KILL TONY - KILL TONY #785

Episode Date: September 15, 2026

Duncan Trussell, Kurt Metzger, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 09/07/2026 This episode is sponsored by:PrizePicks: Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONYand use code TONY and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup!AG1: For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at https://DRINKAG1.com/KILLTONYTalkSpace: Find the licensed provider that’s the right fit for your need and get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.comMeriwether Farms: Upgrade your snack game with real American beef and get 20% off your first order of Meriwether Farms Natural Beef Sticks at https://meriwetherfarms.com using promo code KILLTONY. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.com. For Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill T'Ton. Hey, this is Grandman coming to live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas,

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get up for Tony! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their life? And how about one more time for them, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Trace Leches, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, nachos Belgronde. We have the Purina Piper, Matt Mewling, electric guitar, the great John Dees on the keys.

And that, believe it or not, live in the flesh, you are looking at the one and only D madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. This is a hot crowd. You guys sound good tonight. I like this audience. Fuck, yeah.

This is fantastic. Before we get this party starting, it's a big party tonight. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right, before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal.

You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand-new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes, behind-the-scenes stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too.

It's five bucks a month. month, that's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtony supercast.com. All right, back to the show. Hello there. Football is finally back and prize picks is bringing out their best offer yet. You know, new users get $150 in lineups if you win your first.

$5 lineup. Prize picks is now available nationwide. So lock in for kickoff because everyone is on prize picks. What's you on this season? I'm all in on rookie receivers. I've been checking their player projections on prize picks and seeing how they fit into these new offenses. It's wild.

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You know, last week, Yakov, Smyranov and the great R.E. Maddie, the week before that, Gary Owen, Brian Simpson. We went urban, little urban. And then we went Russian, Eastern European. And tonight, we go a little bit wacky. We go a little bit, it's time for some fucking conspiratorial chaos, right? I present to you two of my favorite comedians in the world, and they are both. Considered now, they work together as the Mystery Boys. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Duncan Trussell and Kurt Mexker.

There he is. Spotify and YouTube. Wow. Duncan Trussell, my man. Welcome back. How are you? I'm great, man. I'm great. Thanks for having me on the show. Absolutely. We love you. We... Can I just do something real quick? And it's kind of lame. It is your show. But me and Kurt, we don't think that comedy should always... be funny and most of the time not at all

not at all and sometimes you need to use a platform to do something good for the world guys we want to talk about a fund that we're raising money right now to free Andrew Tate from prison get him out what's all this talk of

the Lindsay Clancy of men deserves a chance too that's right The Getsker is here, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. He's got the bullet crown. Thank you, gentlemen. The pipe.

Oh, I'm looking forward to seeing some great comedy and some very interesting deformities. That's right. That's right. We're going to have a little bit of everything today. We have five special treats tonight, which is really crazy. That's a lot.

Normally, there's only three. Normally, there's a golden ticket winner and two regulars. But we have some real big surprises scattered in these sets. lineup that I have tonight. And here, my friends, we have about 300 sign-ups.

We'll let that one go first. Why not? Oh, well, there goes their chance. There it goes. There goes. There goes their chance, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Absolutely, anything can happen. I'm going to let this guy, I don't even know how to make fun of this guy. He is so perfectly strange. I've never seen a white guy with a Jerry curl before.

But is that a perm? Do you have to, like, sit under one of those things for that? It's a fro? Are you Jewish? You've ever seen a Jew frow in your life? Wow. I mean, that is unbelievably tight. I've seen a Jew frow before, but do you see the...

Not as good as that one, but you... It is powerful. It is incredible. It's almost like a black frow. Your Jew frow is getting into black territory. What do you do? What do you do in finance? What do you do?

What do you do for work? Real estate. basically finance. It's basically the same. All right, we pull the name. You understand how it works. That person, when they finally make it to the stage, it's going to get 60 seconds.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then else. They bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts their set, and then I conduct an interview. We talk with them about perhaps their life, anything else they could talk about. Their stand-up,

what else is going on in the world? They go from being a lucky stand-up comedian to a guest on a podcast. 60 seconds. We give a little bit more time to our regulars and golden ticket winners, but all the bucket pools are going to get 60 seconds tonight. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Well, it's an exciting thing that happens here on Kiltesone, because every once in a while out of this magical bucket, we get someone who wins a golden ticket. It used to be extremely rare. As of late, so many great comedians are signing up trying to fucking get

discovered on this show that it's been happening more often lately. This man, I'm bringing to the stage, this is his first ever cash in on his brand new golden ticket. Just wanted a couple weeks ago. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian in the night. Very funny, man. It's Brent Reed, everybody.

I just ran in from 6th Street, getting the shit scared out of me. I got came up to me and he was like, hey, you want to buy any fentanyl? I didn't know you could get that shit on purpose. I thought it had to be a surprise. You know, like an engagement, or a finger in the butt. Some things are surprises.

I just thought you had to get Fettonol on the side with an order of cocaine. I didn't know you could get that shit a la carte. I scared the hell of it. I called my dad today to catch up. I asked him how he was doing. He never tells me how he feels. He said, Brian, I'll tell you what,

if I was any better, I'd be twins. Can someone here explain to me what the fuck that means? What does that mean? What if the twins are sad? He speaks in riddles. Redneck dads speak in riddles. My favorite one growing up,

he'd be working on something. I'd be over his shoulder. giving him advice. He'd go, Brent, I'm the one fucking this pig, you're the one holding it down. You ever heard that one? I was like, all right, well, I'm six. You just taught me, you just taught me beastiality,

non-consensual sex and metaphor. All in one swoop. Really appreciate you help me put together my Hot Wheels track, though, Paul, not gonna need therapy for that one. Thank you guys so much. Brett Reed, amazing minute. Lots of punchlines.

Lots of punchlines. I love it. Thank you, sir. I love that. I'm the one fucking this pig. You're the one holding it down. Where are you from again? Caddo, Alabama, population 1,200.

That's right. That checks out. What does dad do for work? He's a, he is an insulation. He's a manager, he's a project manager for an insulation company. That's what he does. So he works construction. Hell yeah.

And he's pumped to not be paying my phone bill anymore. He's pumped. I love it. That's exciting. Happier than a pig and shit. Hey, runs in the family. The apple doesn't fall far from the pig's mouth. Amazing. I love it. How about mom? Does mom have a job there in Alabama?

Yeah, she works at a bank. She's a nice lady, nice, sweet lady. My mom's the sweetest lady on the planet. Like, I could shit in a box and give it to her for her birthday. And I swear to God, she would open it up. Oh, you made this. My son made me something. We're going to check in with the great Kurt Metzger here. I mean, I don't have that sweet. That sounds R-A-T-R-A-T-A-R-T-I-T-I-T, if you know what I'm saying. What? What? My mom's retarded. Oh, my mom's not retarded. She's a nice lady. She might be a little retarded.

If I had my mother a box of shit, she'd slap me in the face. She's a good person. I wouldn't actually do that. I wouldn't ever get my sweet mom shit for a birthday. Duncan Truss. Look. I don't mean to be a grammar Nazi here, Kurt, but I'm pretty sure you spell retarded wrong. Yeah, I'm kidding.

Here we go. Oh, here we go with the woke bullshit from fucking Dennis Hopper over here. Wow, there's nothing more retarded than spelling retarded wrong. That's amazing. I love it. I love it. These are the mystery boys. Brent, fantastic set.

Way to get the show fucking started. You're amazing. Thank you so much. The great Brent Reed, ladies and gentlemen, is down. You know what time it is. It's bucket time, everybody. This is where Shickett's a little crazy. can happen, could be a crazy person, could be the next great talent of the industry.

We're going to give it 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool of the night. It's Donna Lee, everybody. Here comes Donna Lee. Hey, everybody. I'm Donna Lee. My mom is Thai. My dad's Irish. I'm Ty Irish.

It's the whole thing. But I went through a divorce a really long time ago. And my mom called me with her very heavy accent. And she goes, Donna. Donna, now you get divorced. Nobody want you no more. Donna, you have too much emotion. luggage.

I said, Mom, it's baggage. Emotional baggage. And she said, see, you know you have it. I'm like, look. That's not nice. I don't think I care for that. And she said, Donna, you have to get on something on the computer to meet new man. I have a friend. She has a girl your age, and she get divorced too because she's stupid like you. And she have to get on computer on application where she meet the man, Donna.

I said, Mom, a dating app. And my mom goes, Donna, you have to get on something. something called Christian Meathole. And I said, Mom, it's Christian mingle. And she goes, that's what I said. I was like, that's not what you said. I don't think it's appropriate, by the way. You're Asian, you're Buddhist, and I can't get on a Christian dating at mom. And she goes, Donna, if the man good looking, he have a lot of money. You're Christian now. I'm Donna, thank you.

Donna, thank you. Donna, you've been on this show before. I have. Welcome back. Hi. Thank you. Yeah, third time you said? Third time. How's life been going for you? Amazing, because of this opportunity, I'm traveling around the country, doing comedy.

I'm headlining. Wow, look at that. Amazing. Yeah, thank you. Amazing stuff. And you have a big documentary coming out in October. I just found out you're Elizabeth Holmes, right? No?

Yes. Give those crazy eyes. Yes. Yeah, you're great. Is your mom a real lady? My mom is a real lady. Is she 100% what, Filipino? Thai.

Thai. Yep. How about dad? What's dad? Irish. Nice. Big tall Irish dude. All right. Very cool.

That's why I have crazy eyes, I guess. Yes. That would explain it. That and trauma from whatever. Let's check in with Kurt Metzger who's going to spell something. Spoiler alert, you look like one of the killers from season three of Reacher. I don't know. Reacher.

On Amazon? R-I-T-H-E-R. That's right. Oh, no. Oh, no. That was retarded, Kurt. Thank you. This place is on fire tonight.

So Donnelly, you still have a boyfriend or something? I have a husband. You have a husband. What does he do? He's a real estate developer in Austin. Okay. Real estate developer. Is it that guy?

Hey, babe. Is your husband Jewish? No. Okay. You didn't have to say it like that. You, anti-Semi. No. That sounded bad.

You're right. I meant, no. Still sounded kind of rough. I love it. What is he? What is your husband? He's half Italian, half French. Ooh, half Italian.

Yeah, last name, Lamandola. Oh, okay. It's not Danny, is it? The famous wide receiver? No, that's Amandola, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right.

Donna, give us another fun fact about your life. What else have we not talked about before? Let's see. I am so pleased and blessed to be here. This is my dream, by the way. I did comedy 12. I took 12 years off of comedy in 2006 after I did comedy. Anyway,

I came back May, 2004, and now I'm a full-time touring comic since May 2025, and this show has opened more doors for me than I can possibly share with you. It's been amazing, so thank you. And I'm a clean... I'm a clean comic. You're a clean comic.

Yep. Yeah. I'm doing the things. I've opened for Leanne Morgan, Joe Coy, D.L. Hughley, back a long time ago, and now I'm headlining the same club, so I'm excited to be here. Isn't that fun? Yes. fun to be doing it all on your...

I always brag about how sweet you've been to me, so thank you. That's what I do. I'm a nice guy. I'm often misunderstood, but I'm famously one of the nicest people in the industry. That's right. You have been to me. I've been to fights with people about you, so I just want you know. I'm out there defending Tony Henschler.

That's right. That's what you should do. I stand up for people that are also misunderstood that do great things for the world in a thankless, thankless world. Where they take a lot of heat and a lot of bad energy from people, just because they're misunderstanding. because they don't watch actual,

they don't have the correct information. They're watching fake news. Go ahead, Duncan Trusel. I'm also a good person. I've done incredibly great things. Yeah, and he has too. Thank you. I didn't want to have to say it, but yeah. Yeah.

He does charity work. He helps people that are R-I-T-A-R. Absolutely. Excellent. Donna Lee, congratulations. That's a fun set. Here's a medium joke book to take home with you on a casual little Monday afternoon.

And on we go. To the next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for them. Oh, my God. There she is. Wow. Can you believe it? That is the live specimen.

Just absolute perfection. My God. I know what you guys are thinking. I wonder what her farts smell. like. Me too. We all do. Every day, even when we're not here. Even in the middle of the night sometimes. Wake up with a hot sweat wondering, what do Heidi's farts smell like? Well, you can find out because we are now selling Heidi's farts in a jar at killmerch.com. Maybe it's an empty jar and nothing's in it. Maybe you got hit the lucky lottery and you get to smell an actual fart of Heidi's

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So who's here been to Montgomery County Jail lately? This one has. It's pretty fun there. You know what they actually give the inmates there? iPads. You know what they go back to them? They start talking about their lives and everything like that. So if you have buddies, family, or anybody in jail, they've already talked about everything you've already done. They've told everything you've already done.

And they just go in for commissary. They just love to get the commissary like that. They start talking about that stuff. You got your whole family tree. When he gets out, he's going to go find you. They already know what you. They've hooked up AI to that shit. Then they're going to find out where you're at,

what you're going to do. It's quite amazing. And you talk to them, and it's just like, they're giving up everything for sandals, for socks. It's quite amazing.

It was such a great experience. Whoa, I went a little crowd there. But it's, you got to go. It's the most incredible thing. The experience you get there. I mean, it's a comic.

Just what you get there. I mean, I gave it a five star. I mean, it's a little lumpy, like a little mattress or something like that, but it's going fucking good. All right, Matthew Jordan. I was going. Matthew Jordan.

Welcome to the show. This is your first time here. Oh, this would be my second time. Okay. Yeah, I did terrible the first time. I got scared. I was like, holy shit, it's happening again. Yeah, and then people started laughing at the unbelievable chaos. No definitive punchline, but the part that won everybody over was you have to check it out sometime. You do. I mean, it changes your fucking life.

I mean, in Montgomery County. It's a lot better. Let's slow it down a little bit, Matthew. Let's slow it down. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy or whatever? I thought about two years, but stand-up is about two years now, but I've been doing other comedy. Okay.

What other comedy have you been doing improv long form? I'm designing my own stage at home and stuff like that. I'm a big... I'm doing all fucking online and shit like that. You know, with that beard and the jittery energies, I have to ask you, can you spell the word retarded for me? Retarded. I could. It's okay. You don't have to.

Matthew, what do you do for a living? I'm retired now. I was a restaurant manager. Can you spell retired for me? No, because it has the I and the E, one of those too. Whoa. All right. One has an I and one has an E. Perfect. Matthew, what did you do for work? What are you retired?

I was a restaurant manager. Wow, you retired from restaurant manager? That's a hard job to retire from. How did you do that? I have to know that. Hey, I ended up in jail, so you never know. What are you retarded? So how long ago were you in jail? It was about, it was Mother's Day.

I actually went in for Mother's Day. Wow, that's a special street. It was back. I would spend 48 hours in intake and shit like that. So what exactly did you do to get to go to jail? That's what the world wants. That's what I'm trying to figure out now. I mean, I drove by my old house, waves high to my son. 15 seconds later, the cops pulled me.

I always said I was harassing. 15 seconds later. 15, two houses to a stop sign. They were there. I was in a rental car and they knew I was there. How the hell did you do that? How old is your son? He's 22.

You waved to your son. Yeah, he was out front and said, hey, I was just passing by. What are the odds? What are the odds that you passed by and your son was there? Where exactly was your son? He lived there. The odds were probably 100%. He doesn't go anywhere.

But he was just standing out front? Yeah, that's what I was. So I said, hey, what's going? That's what I'm saying. I know. That's what I'm saying. I think I was set up the whole entire time. But how?

Why? Do you think your son did that to you? No, if he wanted, he's an adult he could do it. whatever he wants. But do you think he did? I know he could, but do you think he did? Well, I'm talking to the lawyers and stuff like that. Did your son know that you were about to drive by?

No, because I was in a rental car. That's what shocked me. I was like, holy shit. Even if you were in a rental car, you could have called him and been like, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. He doesn't answer my calls. He doesn't answer your calls. He says, he answers everything.

Like I'm supposed to know the fucking answers. Every question I ask. And he goes, well, what I need? What was the joke? Wow. Was there any joke? I'm promoting the jail. It changed my life.

Look where I'm now. Okay, we're going better. Let's reset. Let's check in with Kurt Metzger here. Are you sure? Is he that guy that at the Charlie Kirk shooting pulled his pants down

and said it was me? Is that who that is? Why is he out? Didn't he have a beard? He does have that energy. He does have that energy. He had a beard and a weird story. Let's check in with the great Duncan Truzzle.

Don't let restraining orders keep you away from your son, man. That's exactly what I'm starting to get to here. That's what I'm fishing around for. Do you and your son get along? We did. Not even much anymore. Why do you not get along anymore?

I'm a divorced dad now, so, and I moved to Austin. A lot of stuff coming on, that's why I'm doing a lot of stuff. He's 22. Why would you guys not get along? Normally a divorce wouldn't stop a 22-year-old from liking his own father. I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure. You have no idea whatsoever.

Well, his mom's not very happy with me, so... Why, why is she not happy with you? Oh, I mean, we had our problems. Marriage for 20 years. We got a divorce and we went our show up in several ways. I was to stay home, dad, so. And a restaurant manager. Yeah, restaurant manager. Dave and Busters is quite incredible. You were Dave and Busters? Yes, I was.

Wow. You're favorite. You're talking about it. Absolutely, yeah. I was a manager. I love Dave and Busters. But now, let me tell you, I'm no longer a Dave and Busters guy. I'm now loyal to the local art of pinballs.

It ends in a Z. I agree with it. I highly recommend pinballs, everybody. They have electric go-carts. You can just hold down the gas the entire time. None of that crazy, nasty go-carts smell. It's all electric now. They have it dialed in.

Even you thrifty people that don't like spending your money so much. Might enjoy a great day over at pinballs. You're welcome pinballs. That's right. Let's check in with Duncan. Well, the funny thing about that is penballs is the name of the guy who fisted him the last time he was in prison. You know pinballs? Yeah.

You never know. He was nice. You never want to get in the cell with a guy named pinballs. So, 48 hours in jail, you have no idea. I was in there for two weeks. They took my phone in everywhere. I had no one to call. The only person I called was my ex-wife.

Did they tell you what you were charged with? Well, yeah, I had actually hemp in there. That was when it was legal. And they said it was crystal meth. I swear to God, I'm like, how. Wait, they took your phone. They took my phone. They put everything in a rental car.

I had no one to call. The only number I remember was my house. ex-wife. And so I was like, shit. So she had message on that I'm in jail and she enjoyed that shit. So it's like, I'm like, fuck. And so I couldn't go. Slow it down. Slow it down. Only answer the questions that I asked. Ready? Well, you asked earlier.

I didn't have one. So now I'm ready for it. Here we go. Here comes another one. You ready, Matthew? Yes. How the hell did they think that hemp was crystal meth? Oh, it was those diamonds. I was vaping it. It was the hemp diamond stuff that you can buy and you vape it. It doesn't have a smell or

anything like that. It's like a stone? Yeah, it was crystal. You buy it off hometown heroes. It was crystal. He's got hometown heroes, it's diamond, it's ham, it's... Is it clear? Yeah. It's a clear crystal. That's what they told me. It came in an unmarked box and everything in the mail. It was very, it was very legit.

Let's check in with Duncan Trussle, our senior crystal meth correspondent. Do I look like I am? The Lord of the Drugs. I just know that no one has ever looked at you and thought, he's on crystal meth. That's never happened. It hasn't happened.

That's what shocked me. Yeah. You seem like somebody who tried to smuggle crystal meth. But they gave me hemp. You seem like you would make the crystal meth in your own laboratory. I've never heard anyone call it hemp when they got arrested for weed. Yeah, that too. The hemp thing's very easy.

I'm a clean drug at it. Not trying to solve a mystery here, But whatever you did must have been pretty bad. Yeah. Hemp is one level more dangerous than papyrus. Yeah, you go to jail now. Because of me, it's legal. They're paper jokes, for those of you that can't keep out.

I'm not really known for my paper jokes, but when in Rome. When in Rome. Okay. So obviously, they tested this. Theoretically. And it tested positive for Crystal Mac. I didn't see the test or anything. Oh, good point.

I did not see it. But let's face it. Let me tell you, it's just. a normal citizen, they're not just out arresting white guys for having bad vape juice. You know this, right? You bought Crystal Meth, whether

you liked it or not. It was shipped to you. It's not addictive, apparently, so. Right. That's what the dealer wants you to think. That's how the dealer gets you to buy it. You talk a lot. That's how the dealer gets you to buy it, and then all of a sudden you bought it, and now you're addicted to Crystal Meth. Did you really, really, really, really miss your

vape juice when you were in jail? I named it with Sarah and everything. It was just like, what? What? Jesus, I got to get you out of here. I got to get you out of here. There he goes, Matthew Jordan with a small joke book. It's the Lady Bert Lake killer.

Yeah. There he goes. Oh, he's shaped odd. I didn't even notice his odd shape until he was walking away. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along to our third bucket pool of the Clearly, anything can happen.

Make some noise for him. It's Patricio Gutierrez, everybody. Patricio. You know, in high school, everyone called me a scrub. And look at me now. I'm single, but I think are you single? It's kind of a weird question if you think about it. Like, are you asking if there's more than one of me?

What do you mean in my single? Do you need glasses? Did you get your head? Or it could be booze, you know? I'm sure to some of y'all, I don't look single. I feel like the only people that would really not be single would be, like, enjoying twins. They're definitely double.

But I am single. People ask me how my last relationship ended. She had a sleeping problem. She slept with everyone. So it was a bit of a problem there. Thank you. I'm Patricio. Patricio Gutierrez,

44 seconds of an entire minute. Are you coming straight from the hospital right now? From work, yeah. What do you do for work? I'm an optometrist. You know, eye doctor. Yes, yes, an eye doctor, indeed. And I also don't wear glasses, which some people think it's odd.

Like, they don't know if they should trust me. Oh, very interesting. How long have you been an eye doctor for? About a year, yeah, graduated 2025. You talk very fast. Are you an auctioneer on the side? I can do it if you're looking for one. I could tell.

Boking hemp. You could tell. What'd you say 30-35? 20-25, graduated. Yeah. 2020. Yeah. Un-div-dhatt-dhatt-dhatt-dhatt-dhatt-dhatt-dhatt-dhatt.

Uni-glasses. Yes. You're slinging glasses out there. That's right. How long have you been? So you got it in 2025? I graduated 2025, so... And you're already a full-time doctor.

That's right. Amazing. Do you have your own practice or you work in lens crafters or something like that? A private practice, yeah, not my own. Wow, that's very good, especially for Gutierrez. That's amazing. There you go. See, there's horn players? You guys could have gone to college for...

college for two years longer. I love it. You must be the pride of your family, am I correct? Oh, they're proud, yeah. Yes, absolutely. You have brothers and sisters? One older brother, one younger sister, yeah. What does the brother do?

He's very Catholic. That is his job. Wow. He talks about the Shrout of Turin, if you heard of that. Oh, yes. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, that's what he does. He does that for a living.

for a living. Amazing. How about the sister? What does she do? She's a stay-at-home mom. She's a stay-at-home. Not a mom. She's not a mom yet? Wow. Incredible. So you say that you're single. This is amazing because you're a good-looking guy. You're an eye doctor. You talk at a very fast rate. It seems like you'd be good at dates. When's the last time you went on a date? I think it's close to a year now. Yeah, I've been really dating at all, just working. Do you have girls that flirt with you when you're checking out their eyes?

I did have a very flirty patient the other day. Yeah, tell us about that. She asked if I examine anything else. Uh, hello. Hello? Oh, my goodness. Did you take the ball and run with it, or what? What'd you do with that?

No. You handled it like a professional? I'm trying to keep my license. Right. So told her their no, and if you could slide your depends back on, that'd be great. Amazing. Kurt Metzker. I'll be honest, I don't believe this guy's single.

Oh, tell us more. I doctor with a private practice. Uh-huh. Trad, cath. Uh-huh. People want him to examine other things? Do you think he's really a single guy? I find it hard to believe myself.

Yeah, something's up here. The truth. I'm just saying I'm not saying I can solve it. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. You have a regular, like, booty call or something like that? Oh, no, no. You don't have a little fuck buddy in your life?

Nothing at all? Nothing at all, yeah. Check in with Duncan Truzzle. Let Kurt smell your dick. Ah, that is how we figure out if someone blind us. An eye for an eye. That's in the Bible. When's the last time you had sexual relations with a woman?

It's over a year, I think. Wow, over a year. But if my parents are watching, never. Oh, you don't want them to know. Yeah, they're very Catholic. They're like your brother. They're like my brother. Wow.

Incredible. Did your dick ever go off in someone's eye? No. What? All right. Patricio, how about for hobbies and stuff? You have any fun hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to like finger skateboard or something like that?

As a kid, I did, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow, look at that. I have an eye for talent. There you go. I watch a lot of movies. and I'm also pretty strict about movie etiquette.

Oh, let's talk about movie etiquette. What are some of your rules? I just don't think people should be talking during movies. I agree. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. You know, Red Band has a group singled out. Yeah.

At home, if you're talking, I'll pause the movie. I love it, buddy. I'm with you, dude. I go a step further. If you made me miss something, I'll rewind it a little bit. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. This one time actually, my ex, you know, girlfriend at the time,

she was over at my place to watch Harry Potter. And I kept doing this because she kept talking. And, you know, she got upset and left. So I guess my charms made her disappear there. Ooh, look at that. Do you remember what she was saying during Harry Potter? Do you remember what she was talking about? Is she asking questions?

I think she was trying to have a whole conversation. Yeah, unacceptable. I'm not even sure if it was about the movie at all either. Right. Absolutely unacceptable. Duncan knows all about this. Nothing worse than when one of those damn ladies starts talking during Harry Potter. Free Andrew Date. Free Andrew Date. Free him now! That is amazing. Patricio, other than movies, is there anything else crazy we should know about you?

No, I don't know. Because you seem like a good guy. You seem very like you have it all together. Let me ask you this specifically, you know? And yes, your parents might see this, but They get it, right? We're all adults. They have their little secrets, too. Catholics, let me tell you. They, oh, boy, oh, boy. They live a secret double life.

You're looking at, I went 12 years of Catholic schooling. And let me tell you, all those people that preach to me, this, that, they all turned out to be scumb buckets in the end, right? They're covering up crimes at Ursula High School in Youngstown, Ohio. Sex trafficking. Across state sex trafficking. Look it up. This is the high school that disowned me during the whole Puerto Rico thing.

Anyway, well, I'm disowning them. You hear me, Ersland High School? I'm disowning you now. How does it feel? Yeah. You could have just kept your mouth shut. The news cycle would have ended in a couple days, but you had to go out there. Okay.

So, we know your Catholic parents are watching. We know your brother is putting down the shroud of Turin for a second and listening to this. But I got to ask you, because you're doing it. You're living the life, dude. Private practice. Eye doctor. Single.

You don't like talking during movies. You're perfect. What I want to know is, what's the naughtiest thing about you? What's a naughty? Give us one dark side of Patricio. You know, something that, like, is a guilty pleasure in which you're like, man, I probably shouldn't be doing it. Like, I like to go to pinballs and spend vast sums of money on claw machines. A guilty, guilty, guilty claw machine.

I have a puppy at home and I just win him fucking stuffed animals. I bring home bags of stuffed animals from my little puppy. And he just tears them up. I throw them in the trash because who gives a fuck? There's more stuffed animals. That's mine. What's yours? I don't know.

I like swimming. I think that's a good day. What's the fuck out of here? This is a guy Dexter hunts on the show, Dexter. Oh, God, I'm going to die. All that setup, all my, all my rambling, I gave you so much time to think, well, the naughtiest thing about me, Tony,

I like, I like going for a dip every once in a while. I like getting my dick wet, but not the way you think, Tony. I like jumping in a pool, perhaps. A chlorinated swimming pool for me, Tone. I think it's a good first day, that's what I'm saying. Oh, he's chilling. He's got like a collection of people's eyeballs. fucking safe.

Right now his parents are like, wow, what a good boy, We raised. Amazing. Patricio, you came in short on your time, but I like your style,

man. I like everything about you. You seem like an honest guy who's just a fucking good guy. You're just starting out. How long have you been on stand-up? One week. One week?

Perfect. For one week, you're perfect, man. Here's a big joke book. I love it. Patricio Gutierrez. You get some glass. That was a bad toss. That was my fault.

The rare bad toss from Tony Hinchcliffe. There goes Patricio Gutierrez. Hey, y'all. You know, taking control of mental health can feel overwhelming, but Talkspace makes prioritizing well-being simple and accessible. As the number one rated online therapy platform, Talkspace connects you with licensed therapists and psychiatrists anytime, anywhere. Just like physical fitness requires regular exercise,

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Talkspace is covered by most insurance plans and maybe no cost to you. Go to talkspace.com to get started. You know what? Let's do something a little fun here. Before I get to this next bucket bowl, I have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain. I warn you guys, tonight is an action-packed show. And we're going to get a quick set and a short interview.

From one of my favorite golden ticket winners ever, this guy, dark, dark sense of humor, super professional. A guy who I just, I love him. Ladies and gentlemen, I think you love him too. It's the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. I can't believe how many foster children are out. there. And to be honest, I think Mr and Mrs. Foster need to quit fucking.

Talking of unwanted children, you can get rid of babies without using exercise resistance bands. You can believe it or not, leave them no questions asked on the doorstep of any firehouse

sub sandwich shop. You know, people think I don't like children making jokes like that, but I'm thankful children are around. Well, well, I would mine the cobalt for our batteries. Thank you. I'm getting old now, I'm 61, and I think back to certain years

when events change how you think about life, and I remember play with my favourite toys. And it dawned on me suddenly, you're too old to be doing that now. So you round your toys up, bundle them in the car, and taking it to the back of a goodwill, and set those ladies free. I'm gonna leave you with this. This weekend marks 25 years

since the most heinous acts was perpetrated on mankind. Silver Side Up by Nickelback was released. Fortunately, the Twin Towers came down that week and gave us a welcome distraction. Sir Winston Pickles. His humor is so dark, he has to do whiteface. You gotta love it.

You are something else, Sir Winston Pickles. I love your stuff. style. How's life going? Good? Good. It's been a good week for me. I have chronic depression and now I've got the... Thank you. I have chronic depression and apparently now I can strangle babies with no... That is true. That is true. You'll get a mistrial.

Look out H.E.B. It's a little clown horn you got there at Red Band? That's adorable. Yes, it is true Sir Winston Pickles. How's life been treating you? Good? You've been working hard? Working hard, Tony, as always. I love it. Trying to post every day on my Instagram account. Keep that going.

Yes, absolutely. Check me out, Sir Winston Pickles. There he is, Sir Winston Pickles. Guys, do you have any questions or comments for Sir Winston Pickles? I love you, Winston Pickles, but no offense, I feel like you're stealing some of John Wing-Gasey's jokes. Dude, I saw that too. Now, look, we all love a good burtering a child joke, okay?

But why the attacks on nickelback? They're helpless. I did notice you got offended. Why'd you pick on somebody who could defend themselves, like a small bead? There we go. Sir Winston, we love you. Another great dark set from the great.

Sir Winston Pickles. Thanks for helping me, Tony. Absolutely. Always a pleasure, Sir Winston. Great stuff. Min and a half of some real darkness there. And the show keeps moving on. What is he like,

cold play? the classy knickleback? Oh, Sir Winston. What did he give you guys? What is that? Is that a bumper sticker? Oh, caution baby in trunk. That's amazing.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi working hard tonight? I know your next bucket pool, everybody. This is a former comedy store door guy. Make some noise for Tray Stewart, everybody. Yeah, I dedicate this set to Lindsay Clancy. We got any Lindsay Clancy supporters? Good.

Fuck that bitch. Right? No, that's wild, man. You know, I haven't seen this many white women rally behind a murderer since Hillary Clinton. Yeah, it's fit. It is wild, man. Immediately when I heard that, I knew she was white, right? The crime. This is some crimes where you hear you know the race, right? Like if somebody, you know, robbed a liquor store, black guy. Somebody breaks until your house starts doing math, Asian.

They murders their three kids. That's white woman all day. That's white, man. This is what liberals get for legalizing late abortions. But to be clear, I am pro-choice. You know, I believe in women's right to choose whether or not they're going to hell, because they're going straight to hell.

That's my time. Dr. Stewart with exactly a minute. A real professional. Former Comedy Store Door Guy, I welcome, Trey. How are you? Good, good. You live in Austin now, right? Yes.

How long have you lived here? A little over a year. Okay, how's it going for you? Good? Pretty good, just out here murdering trans people. You have to. Really? You been doing that? Legally, you have to. No, I'm not. Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, it's been going great. I love it. Having a good time. Trying to date. It's tough for dating here. Tell me about it. Well, it's just a lot of white women. Well, normally that's a, that's a perk.

freer people. Are they not... That's true. Are they not big-bootied enough for you? No, they are, but I'm trying to quit. The O-Zem-Pic's really fucking up my homie's game, am I right? O-Zem-Pic be

trifling. Instead of truffling. They used to be truffling. Now they're trifling. Out on these streets, all these white women be losing their ass. They are. Is that where you were getting to that?

It's an epidemic, man. All these flogers. flat-ass white woman. It's against God, man. Go eat some fucking cornbread. That's right. Put some butter. Yeah, I'm trying to actually move away

from white women. I'm a recovering white woman. Addict. I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to get back on God's path. That's right. White men.

Tony, I'll fuck you if that's what you're saying. Trey, you're about to win a golden ticket. You keep acting like this. All right. Trey, what else is going on in life? you do for fun. What are you into? You seem like the kind of guy that likes a finger skateboard or something like that. Is that like finger on a girl or what do you talk about? No, it's white people shit. They ignore it. Just keep, tell us what you do for fun. You know what's funny.

I see we have the mystery boys here. One of my favorite things is actually I like to like fall down like just deep YouTube rabbit holes. You know. Yeah. Like what? Like I like the other day I saw a video that said the truth behind the magic school. school bus? Ooh. Part five. Wow. What was the truth behind it?

Well, it was four hours, but we don't have that much time. So I'll just get to it. It was the Jews. Oh. Just, you know, at all. Amazing.

Kurt Metzker. Well, a lot of people don't know that, Trey, is actually a mystery boys junior achiever. He's in our after-school program. Oh, wow. I didn't realize mystery was spelled with a Z.

And boys. It is when Tray shows up. Like mystical. I think I meant like, zesty. I love it. Anyway, I didn't appreciate the Hillary shit. Clinton jokes. That woman did a lot.

Come on. You're right. I'm sorry. That was a good one. That was a good one. Fourth Lindsay, Clancy reference to the night, but yours really hit at home, I think.

Oh. Like, you wouldn't fuck her, dude. I would. I'd fuck the shit out of her. Now that I know that, you know, she has no kids. I don't fool. with mom.

Yeah. You're creating a market now. But from what I heard, she likes sending the men out to run some errands, so not my kind of lady. That's true. How about you run the errands?

I strangle the children. You know? This show's so stupid. I can't believe this show is successful. It's unbelievable. You know what's interesting about the Lindsay is, you know, she said that she heard a man's voice.

telling her to murder her kids, so she's really just being obedient. Wow. You think about it. You know what? These white women might not be that bad after all. How about a round of applause for being obedient, huh? Obedient women? Absolutely.

All right, Trey. Great stuff. Red Band. Trey, I would love to be on the Secret Show Thursday. Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. Here's a big joke book, my friend. You know, I'm always in the mood for meat in my mouth.

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How fun. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Zane Anas, everybody. Zane Anas. I will twist my cock and throw it across the block. Hey, Trevor, how you been? White people say the funniest shit when they haven't seen each other in a while.

Anyone else grow up with a funny name? Well, I did. So my first name is spelled A-N-A-S. So growing up in school when teacher did roll call, she'd say, Anus is Anus. here. And just to fuck with her, I'd say, they call me anus because I wrecked them. So, thank you. So I just arrived in Texas. I went to this, my new favorite store, H.E.B. And,

yeah, fuck yeah, guys. And I could not find a parking spot. This place was packed. So I'm sitting there circle in the block trying to find a spot. And I come up with an idea. I come up with an idea. And it's a app like Uber, but instead of a driver coming to pick you up, a disabled person is delivered to you. That way, you can park in a handicraft spot. I think we get it.

We see where you're going there. There it is. The full set of Zane Anas. Welcome, Zane. How are you? Anus. You can call me Anas. No, it's all right. It's Anas.

We'll call it Anas. What are you Greek? I'm a Syrian. Ooh. How long have you been in America? You look like you just got here today. I was actually born in Texas. Oh, wow.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry. Dee does not like Syrians. He's going to step out for a bit. He's very big on world peace. He doesn't believe that you were born here. He's blind, so he has extra senses,

so he knows when somebody's lying. So Zane, Amazing. How did your Syrian parents end up in Texas, of all places? Man, so long... Think of a lie real quick. I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Tony. Long story short, my father came here back in the 70s. He got married to a flight attendant.

And then he went back to my country. That's how my dad got here. Then he went back to my country and he met my mother. Amazing. He brought her here. Amazing. You know what? Normally I wouldn't believe you, but you called me Mr. Tony.

And everybody knows that I love that. I love being called Mr. Tony. There's only three people that call me Mr. Tony. My cleaning lady, my cleaning lady, and you. Redband's laughing because he knows it's true. We have the same cleaning lady. And I call her by her first. Mr. Redband.

Mr. Redband, your underwear, very dirty. Let's check in with my steam panel. Who he wants them? All right, let's check it with my panel. Okay, Duncan. Hey, is your first name anus? Zanus. Yeah, I go by Zane.

Zane is my middle name, but my first legal name is Zanus. So I'm just, I have a weird name, Duncan. That's a weird name. But have you ever asked your parents why they named you Anus? Yeah, they tell me in my language, it's, Red band. Red band. Come on.

God, come on, Red Band. It's a serious show, Red Band. It's so disrespectful. So disrespectful. Apologize to Anus. Red band. The serious part of the show. Go on Anus.

Why did they name you that? What does that mean in Syrian? Does it mean something better than it does? My mother tells me in Arabic that it means, like, friendly, generous, happy. How long? How long do they live in America before having you? Fuck, that's a good question. I don't know.

Wow. I don't know. Since this, my, my pops came here in the 70s. Okay. He went to Woodstock. Okay. But when they had you, they knew what anus meant in English. My mother didn't know English.

Oh, no. Oh, I see. So I grew up at home speaking Arabic. Oh, man. English is my second. Andrew Tate School. Yeah. Wow.

Amazing. I thought you did great, Anus. I would like to add, because I was nervous just for this Jew over here, because I thought you were Persian. And what a relief to find out he was not Iranian, our old enemy that were fighting on behalf of your good people, sir. No, Syria, I think we just installed ISIS as your president over there. So you're welcome, first of all.

Zane, what do you do for work? Man, embarrassingly right now, I'm just working in my car and sleeping in it as well. You're working in your car. Ice! Okay. Kurt, here we go. What are you doing for work in your car? Just Uber. Oh, got it.

Yep. Very Syrian of you. And you're sleeping in the same vehicle? Yes, so I drove 30 hours here from the West Coast. Okay. Where do you live? You live on the West Coast? Yes, sir.

Where? Very close to the store where you started. Hollywood. Do you go there? Do you sign up for their open mics and whatnot? I honestly have never tried stand-up in L.A. But you live there. I live there. You drove all the way here.

Yes, sir. Just to start stand-up. Several weeks ago. I've been here signing up every day. Got it. Where do you park? What kind of car do you have? It's a Chevy.

Chevy what? Equinox. Got it. Where do you park when sleeping in your car? This is a question I always like to ask people. I famously slept in my car 19 years ago behind the comedy store. You can't even do that anymore. It's blocked off where I used to.

So, you know, that was safe for me. I worked there. I knew everybody there. I could shower there. I could wash my clothes there. It's very tough to live in your car. How do you do it? What are your tricks?

I find it to be an intriguing thing to know that you can survive off the song. I found out for, something so simple. Go ahead. Sorry. I found out for anyone else that's doing Uber. There's a surge at 4 a.m. by Bergstrom International Airport. Yes, Bergstrom. Yeah, it's fine.

Go ahead. And at 4 a.m. there's a surge. So I get up at like 350. And there's a charger right by the airport. So I charge my car up, juice that shit up, and start working. Okay. Very good. Duncan Truzzle.

Hey, I know you probably wanted to say this, but I've got some good news for you. Tony is going to get you a week at the Four Seasons Hotel here in Austin. Oh, go, Tony. Come on. No. Wow, good person. He's a good person.

Definitely not. Hey, can I say something, Mr. Tony? Yes, sir. I don't want you all to feel bad for me because my car, like, I could turn on to camp mode, and I just keep the AC running all night. And I turn on the 432 frequency, so I don't hear the crackheads outside. Amazing.

Wait till you stay at the four seasons. You're going to love it. I mean, but if you sleep in your car, people are going to go in your car like as an Uber, does it smell like anus in there? Or like, I mean, like, cyber taxis are going to take your job because of this. Cybertaxies are coming for everybody's jobs. It is amazing.

A little hack, so I bought an essential oil diffuser for the car. Wow. So my car smells like eucalyptus. Ucalyptus. That's all you mean. That's all me. I love it. All my favorite smells, and I have a lot of favorite smells, leather, sandalwood, there is no smell I love more than uculptus.

It is my absolute favorite. I have it hanging in my shower right now. I buy the actual uculptus. From the eucalyptus store, and I hang fresh. I get it fresh every few weeks. The lady that calls me Mr. Tony brings it to me. She knows. I like a fresh rotation of eucalyptus.

When you hear that noise, you know that I said, eucalyptus. That's a jungle bird. All right. Anas, anas, enas, anas. All right. So what made you, is this your first time doing stand-up? I'm confused.

Are you been doing open mics in Austin? Yes, sir. Austin and Houston. And I do a lot of shit in my, like when I'm working. You love your car. You're in your car all the time. You have an oil diffuser. You work in your car.

You're sure you're not Persian? I'm not Persian. Let me ask you this, because I didn't really get an answer to this. You went straight into how you work in your car. But tell me and the people. The world wants to know. Tell us about how do you shower living in a car? Yeah, I found out there's a cool gym called Crunch Fitness for $9.99 a month.

You can go. It's open actually 24 hours because I found a 24 hour, but it's not open 24 hours. Interesting. Yeah, so I found Crunch Fitness and I just go shower there. Amazing. You got it all figured out. There it is, Zana Nas, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Mr. Tony.

Yes. I hate to ask for anything, but I actually don't rap, but I made a rap just for your show. Oh, Jesus. Really? It's only four bars. Okay, let's hear the four bars. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right. You want to beat? You want a little beat? I don't need none.

Oh, okay. All right. All right. All right. I go, it's too many haters, so I keep a shield. Red band looking like he ate a happy meal And she just came along for the weed and peels Mama, I'm gonna kill Tony. Gotta keep it real. All right. Hey.

You do look like you just ate a happy meal. Here's a medium joke book, Zane. There you go, buddy. There you go. That was actually nice of him to say I was eating a smaller meal. That is a small meal for you. He didn't say how many happy meals you ate.

Oh, it is single. He said a happy meal, but you could have eaten more. Could have been another happy meal. I bet he's that deep. He is so deep. All right, we're going to keep it moving here. This guy has a pretty good handwriting. Normally, that's a sign of a decent comedian.

Let's see if the tradition stays strong here. Make some noise for Tim Reichert, everybody. Tim Reichert. Tell you a bit about myself, folks. Actually, my wife told me this the other day. She said, you know, you're the kind of dick. that inspires people to put the word weed afterwards. You're a dick weed.

The thing that I just told you about myself is that I'm married to that cunt. It's all right. I only do that joke because she's in the room and it's her favorite. Because she wrote it. Actually, she wrote the setup. I wrote the punchline. It's a team effort. Marriage is a team sport. One of my uncles on my wedding day, he told me, said,

Tim, you know, the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the good things in your life with someone else, which is kind of obvious. discovered that the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the bad things in life with someone else. So it cuts all your bad shit in half, right? It's like, I'm not in debt. We're in debt. I'm not getting evicted. We're getting evicted. I don't have chlamydia. We're getting a divorce. So, you know, you share the good, you share the bad. Tim Reichert. Very good set. Welcome, Tim. Thank you.

Tim. How long you've been on stand-up? That was actually my first stand-up comedy set. Really? I wasn't done. I wasn't done. In 15 years. Wow. You took a 15-year break? It was a 15-year break, yeah. How long were you doing it for before the break? 20 years.

20 years. Where at? I started in 1990. Where? In Toronto. Okay. You were doing it for 15 years in Toronto? Yeah, well, in Toronto and Vancouver. Okay, you're a full-blown Canadian. Full-blown Canadian.

What made you restart to the... How old are you? I'm 60 years old. Oh, you look great for 60. Thank you. Amazing. What made you want to restart stand-up comedy here today in Austin, Texas? Well, you know, I missed it.

I missed, you know, the love. I missed all that. But, you know, I was really inspired by the Austin comedy scene. I was just kind of, I wanted to come down just to see it. And then I was like, well, let's do some sets while you're down there. And I flew in on the red eye last night. was not expecting my first, I would not have done this to you, I would not have done my first set after 15 years on this school.

It went great. I thought I'd sign up and I got pulled, I couldn't believe it. It was fantastic. Fantastic, Tim. So let's talk about it. I love having older people on this show because during this interview part, they normally have a wealth of history and information and knowledge.

What do you need to know? Anything interesting about your 60 years of life. some fun facts about Tim Reichert. Fun facts about Tim Reichert. I mean, you know, this is the part of the show where I try to find out what makes people different, what makes them tick, what are their passions, what have they, anything crazy, you ever have a near-death experience, you ever save anybody's life, you ever finger skateboard. Available at killmerch.com, by the way.

You know, the other big things in my life are surfing and poker and philosophy. Ooh. Interesting. What's the most interesting thing about philosophy that you've learned? What's the most interesting thing about philosophy? Well, what department of philosophy? You can pick it, my friend. I can pick it.

Free will doesn't exist? Tell us about it. No, I just said that skirt's here. He doesn't like that. Is philosophy that kind of sandwich that, like, the last guys people make? I like them. You like a nice philosophy sandwich? Like on a flat bread?

Ah, Tim Reiker. So, you have any kids? No kids. No kids. How'd you manage that? Well, my wife and I don't have any kids because we're pro-life. Uh-huh.

You have to decide at some point, do you want kids or do you want a life? I love it. We chose life. I love it. And you mostly spend that on poker and surfing your life, huh? Yes.

What do you do for a living? I don't, well, I did stand up And then for 15 years, so what I did over the last 15 years, I produced a documentary film about a group of sports gamblers. Ooh. Yeah. What's the, what's the? It's called low-baggers. And it was about a group of actually in Texas, in San Antonio, Texas, there's a YouTube channel called Pub Sports Radio, and they do sports betting content.

And it's about these bunch of guys who met on that channel, and they all come to San Antonio every year to do like a big gathering. And they met and they're friends and they love each other. And it was such like a cool story. I decided to do a documentary about it and I made a documentary about it. Interesting. You still married to your wife? I'm still married to my wife. And you're still banging?

Every Sunday. How long? The Canadian Way. Oh, he's back. When he hears about two straight, when he hears about heterosexual sex, he appears out of nowhere. Amazing. Someday, my wife and I have a date in my bed.

Wow. And how do you keep things fresh on Sundays? What do you do? Do you have any special Canadian moves in the bedroom? Do you have the old maple tree or the old early euthanization, perhaps? Any of the special Canadian tricks? They'll kill yourself because of a sad day. Go to the Tim Horton's and getting a sister suicide.

That's right. I think not keeping it fresh. the secret. We both know what each other likes. Oh. And we just go at it. Can I ask you what that is? Is it like a porno? Do you... So we do this? You do that. You go straight to that. You just go for the old dry...

Right in her poutine? You know, our nickname... There you go. You just go straight forward. Just straight missionary. Absolute start there. It's boring, but it's exactly what we both want. And we get it every Sunday. Amazing. Missionary.

Or is it's called Canadian Doggy? It's very exciting if you're Canadian. Very excited. They don't have reverse cowgirl or any of that wacky shit. A little maple syrup. You're right. Okay, Tim. Anything else crazy about your life we should know

before letting you go? Because I always find 60-year-olds normally have like this, like, well, once I had to beat the shit out of a shark when I was surfing or something like that. Where do you surf, by the way? Toronto. Tofino, Canada. It's on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Nice.

And we moved there for surfing. That's actually one of the reasons I got out of stand-up comedy because there's no comedy on the island. Cold water. Very cold water, but there's wetsuit technology. Ah, okay. Works very well. You stay nice and warm.

Hell yeah. Awesome. Yeah. All right. All right, Tim. Well, congratulations. Fun set. Here's a big joke book, buddy.

Big joke. Congratulations. Tim Reichert, everybody. Thank you, both. Welcome back. All right. We're moving strong and steady here. We're going to get one of our great regulars up here, everybody.

This guy has to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Not easy. A dreadful job, but he makes it look easy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here he is. No, Dark Storm. Dark Storm got a problem.

My nephew just got suspended from school for selling vape pens. Because, you know, the youths like to, like, they like to breathe in vanilla coke and orange soda and shit like that. They can't, they want their AI cigarettes. I like acoustic cigarettes more than the electric cigarettes. But he got called selling them, and then his dad came and picked him up, and he was like, where are you getting the vapines from? And he said, don't lie to me, like, lie to your mama because, like, they separated so, like, she don't count.

He said, you tell me the truth. Didn't this nigga go say, oh, I've been getting them from Uncle Dedrick? He shipped him to me, and then we split the profits. Right? So he's going to call me mad as hell. He's like, Desmond, I say, first of all, you're not mad at me.

You mad. You raised a son. You made you raise this snitch. I told you to stop giving that nigger almond milk. Alright? If you gave that nigger whole milk, he would have been doing whole milk grind. What is this world coming to? Why is subway selling nachos?

Nigger that is not your way. O way is the sub. The decision the same niggie that I hired Jared. Magnesium. So I could pee hard. It's like I want to be prepared for the day where it's just. for the day where a dude walk, but he don't honor the one stall thing, and he

compete next to you, and you know as a man that's a challenge, so I want to piss harder than this nigga, you know what I'm saying? So I pee on hard and fuck from the magnesium. This shit be splashing on me and then getting on him, he got to run away because that nigga lost. But I didn't realize

the consequences, because now I come too hard. Like, I can press you watch the sidewalk. You know what I'm saying, from the PSI, and I came in my girlfriend. her, IUD shot out, and then it hit me in the eye, and then she just missed her period. So we'll see.

Dark Storm Island. Daddrich Flynn. You always learn something new watching your sets. Is Subway really selling nachos now? Yeah. Really? Yeah, and it looks like shit on the commercial. Oh my god.

That is crazy. I don't know how you make bad nach- like, even like the nachos, like when you pour, you just got like the chips, and then you got like a little bit of what you're... little bit of whatever cheese and you put jalapinos, that looks fucking great. But whatever, whoever shot this commercial is just trying to piss us off, Tony. It's trying to piss us off. What the fuck is now?

I know when your teeth stay clenched, you're mad. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's that day. Duncan, trust. I'm so sorry. Oh, you're great. I have to go take a shit. Really? I got your room at the Four Seasons.

If you want to go over. We're all the rooms for everyone at the Four Seasons. Are they dressed like black Israelites? They really are tonight. You ever see them here? They're here. Incredible. You know what I do?

When they go up there, I go, free Palestine, you fucking Jew pricks. Yeah. That's what I say to the... I walk around. I'm scared. Wow. I'm just shocked that Subway... How long has Subway been selling nachos for it?

It's been 10 days, Tony, since the incident. Oh, my goodness. It's been 10. days of war on my mind, Tony. Have you tried them? Have you seen them in person or just on the commercial? Tony, I got stuff to do later. I can't have no subway

nachos on my stomach. But what if I ate him today? That's probably what that nigga ate. And that's why he had to leave. I do love Duncan Trussle, but he got a doo-doo tussle coming on. Wow. Come on. Dark Storm.

Duncan had Subway nachos earlier, by the way. Yeah. Storm knows all things. Dark Storm. They also have Subway Pizza, which is even worse. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. It's discussed. No way. How are they doing? That's H-1B visa fucking pizza and nachos.

When you're subway, you have to do something when you're fighting against, like, Jersey mics and shit like that. Yeah, it's tough competition out there. ThunderCloud, I meant to say. Oh, there you go. Our senior sandwich correspondent, Brian Redband. Oh, yeah, he is big sandwich. It's like an autistic guy. Jimmy John's LenderCloud. It's like the auctioneer.

There he is. There he is. Dedrick, always fun. There he goes, the dark storm. Dedrick Flynn, everybody. We're just going to give him moving along here. Well, Duncan. Is he really shitting?

He might be. I don't know. It's pretty wild. Here we are. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? She'll be with us in Dallas, Houston, Las Vegas. and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. All those dates coming up fast. It's very exciting.

This is the only kill-tony road dates this year, so catch one. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Ryan, everybody, right out of the bucket. Let's see what happens. Mike Ryan. A little bit about me. I am officially down 100 pounds,

so that's pretty cool. Thank you. Thank you. It actually wasn't that difficult. I just had to change little things, but every day, right? So like today, I did go to McDonald's, but instead of getting a double quarter pounder with cheese like a normally would, I ate a kids meal.

His parents were fucking pissed. I don't know why they were so mad I gave him the toy, right? He's a girl's toy anyway. Let's get right into it, Lindsay Clancy. I just found out about that on Friday. I got into an argument at work, and white women on TikTok are losing their fucking minds over this shit. Like, I've heard of late-stage abortions,

but the 17th trimester is a little much, isn't it? And she was like, you don't understand, you don't understand, you don't understand what's like to be a woman with postpartum depression. I said, you're right, I don't. And I really felt for it. I was like, why don't you explain it to me? Why don't you explain it to me like I'm five years old? And she fucking strangled me.

Thank you, guys. Mike Ryan. The great Duncan Trussle is back. Mike, that was fun. You've been on this show before? Yeah, three times. Nice. Welcome back.

Great shirt. Thank you. Where do you get a shirt like that? Timo. Whoa. Oh, my God. I love that. DEMU.

Yeah, there's great stuff. I got my drummer off Timo. I don't know if you know that. If you know that. Have you just been waiting for me to make fun? How many weeks in a row have you had that thing? Two weeks? Oh my God.

I don't know. Meg, did you get that with that camera? Did you get that? Mike, do it one more time. That's absolutely incredible. It's almost like we coordinated that. It's like I'm going to do a T-Moo. Have your wacky thing ready.

All right. Let's talk about it. Mike, how's life been lately? What's going on in your world? I just opened up a comedy club. Nice. Here in Austin? No, it's in Houston.

Texas. Oh, okay. Crazy. We're going to be in Houston on October 17th, doing a massive giant theater. Sugar Land, right? Yeah. The Financial Center, Sugar Land Financial Center. How many seats does your club hold? 150. We actually have Pat O'Neill come in October 2nd and 3rd. He sold out four shows. Yeah. No, he's a fucking machine right now. He's at the literally the top of the industry right now. Nobody's doing it as big as him. So what's it been like? How long has your club been open for? We opened August 8th, so we've only been open a few weeks. It's called the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club.

Oh, wow. Oh, that worked out. Now I see. I get it. I get it. How many different shirts, pink flamingo shirts, did you get off Timo? I have 34. Really?

And every time I go to my mom's house, there's two more waiting on me. Wow, she's the one buying them for you? Oh, that's adorable. So the last time I was on, I was wearing a shirt with a pink flamination. on it. You said it looked like a tissue box or something like that. Kleenex. That's what it was. Pacifica. That's be Kleenex. They have wacky, but the designs on their boxes. So when I was trying to think of a name, I really wanted to do like an animal and a color

and stuff. And I was looking at that shirt and I was like, okay, it's the pink flamingo comedy club. Hell yeah. Absolutely. That's how the magic happens. So what have you learned owning your own comedy club that maybe you could teach somebody out there that is owning a struggling comedy club right now? Perhaps you could share some information. I wish I could have warned you not to do that shit, dude. You said it was a great idea.

What do you say? No, I really didn't. I got high ceilings. It was a theater, so. It really is high ceilings? Well, it was a theater. So it was built in 1908 as a silent movie theater. And then it was a speakeasy during Prohibition.

So it has a balcony. And so, I mean, there's high ceilings, but there's seating, you know, three levels. Okay. All right. Mike, what's your love life like right now? You seem like the kind of guy that absolutely messed up. into a paper towel. You really clocked that one.

Yeah. It's insane, dude. Thank you. Who have you been talking to? Thank you. I just talked to a lot of people. On the show, I learn a lot. Am I correct?

You actually used paper towels as your cleanup device? No? What a beach towel? Let me get some pink flamingo shirt. If there's one laying around, yeah. Right. Do you have a girlfriend? You have a fuck buddy? What's going on, Mike?

No, I've just been like focusing on being successful and usually when I'm dating that's not a thing. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Why do you think you can't do both? Are the women in your life kind of needy? Did they not want you to chase your dreams? Is this something that you've noticed from people of the opposite?

Yeah, I was married. So, yeah, that was a... Whoa. How long were you married for? Like eight months. Eight months? Wow. Amazing.

We should stuck it out. Yeah. Tell us about that. So how long were you dating before? A couple years, yeah. Okay, and then you got married. And then what happened? As soon as you got married, take us through it.

There might be someone out there that's just about to pop the question. It's somebody that they don't really like that much. We talked about this the first time I was on, but my best man got murdered on my wedding day, so. Oh. We talked about this? Yeah.

Can we talk about it again? Is that all right? I mean, your voice cracked a little bit when you said it, but I mean... All right. You know, here to talk about my life, whatever. That's okay. So how did he get murdered again? He got shot by some, like, rappers. He got shot.

This was a true Houston wedding. Amazing. He actually, he got shot two days before, and then I went to see him at the hospital, and they said he was going to be fine. So we went forward with the wedding. got a call like two hours before. Before the wedding? Yeah. Doesn't the hospital have any fucking chill whatsoever?

It was like a friend of mine that called to tell me. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So that should have been a sign that the marriage wasn't going to go that well. I mean... Yeah. My mom had already paid the caterer, so...

Got it. That's all that matters. In Houston, they have a saying, Once you pay the cater, the wedding must go on. Actually, so one of the things that helped me get through that was the show Midnight Gospel. Thank you. Episode with your mom. Thanks.

Sorry about your friend. Thank you. Wow. Sorry, this asshole played a fucking air horn twice. All right. So, Mike, how did you know when, to give us an example of how you knew that the marriage was over. You guys were married for eight months. I came home from

work and she said, I want to divorce. Wow. That's a sign. Yeah. It's a very clear sign. Did she give you a specific reason why? Not really. I was

kind of like emotionally dead for the whole marriage because of the murder. Right. Your friend being murdered. She sounds awesome. Yeah. But afterwards is when I started doing comedy, so... That's great. Did she kill the guy?

If she did, that would be R-I-T-T-A-R-D. Mike Ryan. Fun times, bud. Here's another big joke book. I'm sure you already have them, but there's another one. There he goes. We're keeping it moving here. Get another one out of this bucket.

This looks like a new name. Make some noise from Trini Martinez. Trini Martinez. Here we go. My day starts when I walk into the barbers shop, and I notice all the barbers are wearing gloves these days. Well, I think there should be gloves specifically for the blacks, and it's going to be sponsored by Magnum.

I also notice that barbershops and whorehouses are very, very similar. Like, you go in, you try to find a person with the most experience. because you need to get in and out as fast as possible because you've got a wife and two kids waiting for you at home. I think I know exactly what all the black guys were thinking when they went home with Dahmer that night. I guarantee you they thought they were about to put 100 years of slavery on that ass.

Like Terry Cruz did that white boy on white chicks who's going to need a wheelchair. Little did they know, Dahmer was a real eater. I also have a theory on why I think St. Dahmer went after the blacks, and it started when he came to Texas, visited our local Buckees where he got that foot-long Sancicea on a stick, picked it up, and said if this was just charred. Trinney Martinez, let me just start by saying Trinney, I love your style, pal. I love it.

Not a lot of laughter, but man, you are shooting your shots. You are taking wild chances out here. I practice all the time with my clients. You're at the barbershop. Yes, sir. Oh, my goodness. I always say it while I'm doing a haircut so they'll laugh. I love it. Amazing. What part of San Antonio were you from? Houston, Houston. Houston.

One of my favorite parts of San Antonio. You're born and raised in Houston? Yes, sir. Amazing. Do you know Mike Ryan? Do you know about the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club? I do not, but I've been trying to get into the comedy seen out there don't tell comedy and things like that.

We know all about that. So Trini, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I actually started the beginning of this year at the Moody Center. I was one of the sign-ups there and the Asian lady next to me had got the golden ticket. Yeah, that makes sense.

We remember that. Young got the golden ticket with her famous Asian Trump impression. That was close. Have you done stand-up since then? This is actually my first time. Wow. Incredible. Trini, amazing. Most people start and warm up before talking about black guys, barbershops, whorehouses, and Jeffrey Dahmer. And then back to black guys again.

I actually practiced these jokes in Baton Rouge during a barber competition, and I didn't get no laughs. Everybody's concentrating on the event. Barber competitions be like that. I've performed at many barber competitions out on the streets. Wait, was it a barber community? Median competition? No, no, trust me. Everybody was taking it serious, and I'm the one that I was trying to crack jokes for a minute

practicing for this particular set. Wow. Wait, what is your set at home? Tango blast or something? Oh, shit. No, man. Just a barberer, bro. Barber life all the way. Okay. Besides this, you know, my hands are getting bad.

My eyesight's going, so I need to figure out something else to do. Can't give a guy the anger or you more. I'm about to look like D. Manders in a few years. All right. When you say your hands are going bad, what exactly is going on with your hands? arthritis, masturbating too much, things like that. You have arthritis?

It's getting there. It's starting to hurt. Carphing the clippers. Yeah. Have you ever tried getting some eucalyptus and perhaps rubbing it into your hands? Have you tried this? Muscle rub. Muscle rub. That's about it.

Muscle rub? Yeah, and then. Tiger bomb? Everything. Everything. You've tried it all. But the arthritis is kicking in. How old are you exactly?

I'm 31. 31 years old, full-blown arthritis. losing his eyesight. This is absolutely incredible. Why do you think your body is failing, you Trini, Martinez? The world wants to know. Have you been eating the nachos from Subway, my friend? I've been getting it from a DQ.

Oh, Dairy Queen. Let's check in with our senior Dairy Queen correspondent, Kurt Metzger. Thank you, Mr. Tony. I'm going to tell you, your affliction happens to tattoo people a lot. Huh? Right? And jewelers. people gotta make the little

I used to be a apprentice to a jeweler and he was all fucked up at 31 with arthritis because you gotta sit there you're cutting them Edgars exactly the way they like it right? Oh yeah, oh yeah, I get plenty of them. Tell us about the... You know what the Edgar is?

Yes, of course. It's that Mexican haircut where they look like Moe from the three fucking stitches? Yeah, yeah. It's called Edgar. Yeah. I try to convince every single one of them to change. How long you've been cutting hair for, Trini, Martinez?

I got licensed 2018. 2018, so it's been a long time. Long time in Houston. A lot of Latinos. By the looks of your tattoos, I'm guessing you have some black clients as well. Am I correct? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And I practiced these jokes with them and whenever they laugh, I'm like, all right, I'm good. Right. Absolutely. That's how you know. That's how you know it's good.

Is when they laugh in the barber chair to the man that has scissors next to their head. With an incomplete haircut, you know? Absolutely. You better laugh, man. Absolutely. So Trini, let me ask you this. Anything dangerous ever happened in your barbershop?

I watch a lot of these videos. My entire Twitter feed, some people ask me, Tony, what is your algorithm? My algorithm is fucking people getting in fights, people getting shot. And I find that a lot of these things happen in a barbershop. I actually watched one video the other day where a guy, the barber,

lifted up the black guy's hair line a little too far back. And literally, have you seen this? You see all the barbershop videos, right? Have you seen all the movies? Barbershop 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 6. Are you sipping on the dessert?

I've seen the first one at least I haven't seen the other one. You got to see the sequels. They're the absolute worst. But one crazy thing, there's a crackhead that comes in our shop and, you know, tries to earn a little money. And we were doing that for him.

You let him sweep up the hair? Yeah, yeah, we let him do it for a little bit, but then he started, like, taking advantage of the money. Because we was kind of, you know, blessing him a little bit. Right. And he started getting on drugs real hard.

He started shadow boxing and rapping for like six hours straight out in the parking lot. He was on crystal meth, but he thought it was vape juice. Am I correct? I know this guy. He was on the show earlier. Matthew Jordan.

This crew loves a good callback over here. They go crazy if you mentioned something that happened an hour and a half ago. Duncan Trussell. Speaking of callbacks, Tony is putting up people who came in from San Antonio.

He has a house in Houston. He lives two and a half hours away. You were taking a shit. That's a long drop. You were taking a shit so you missed it. It doesn't matter. Do the hotel. Tony's gonna get you a week at the four seasons.

That is not true. Well done. I'll carry all your luggage to your room, bro. I like the way you think. I like the way you think. Okay, so Trinney, is there a lovely lady out there? How many kids do you have? You're a Martinez? What is it?

7, 8, 9? I mean, we attempted two miscarriages, but, you know, we don't know about that. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Now, come on. Monster! Was there something perhaps? And I know this is a crazy question.

This is a crazy question. I'm going to take heat for this. I already see the ladies giving me a look like, what's he about to ask? But let me ask you this. Two miscarriages is one more than one. Is there something that she's doing in particular? Is she perhaps, you know, ice skating or anything like that?

Is she? We have stairs at our apartments now. Ah, okay. Trini, save that one for the Louisiana Barber competition. two miscarriages incredible are you still trying are you trying for a third miscarriage to be honest right now that's going to be clipped for sure you're still trying your cream pyinger

yeah we're putting a little porchata in that chalupa am i correct trying to orchot that yeah absolutely when you go to buckies what exactly do you get trinnie martinas because i'm a big bucky's guy big time I get either the chicken sandwich or the breakfast biscuit with the bacon, egg, and cheese. Oh, you order like a white guy. I'm actually disappointed. I thought you were going to get a little wackier than that.

Plain chicken sandwich? That's it. The cup of fruit, too. Cup of fruit. He went whiter. He went whiter. I get a little bit of metamusal and a couple Tylenol's and I'm out the door of town. What the fuck?

I'm half white. I'm half white. You're half white? Yeah. Oh, my God. It does not show at all, dude. Are you sure? He lifts up his glasses to show...

He lifts up his glasses to show Mexican-Asian eyes over here. You don't believe I'm a white, dude? Look at these fucking things, dude. What now, dude? Look how half-white I am. Look at these dark Asian eyes. Somebody tell you you have white eyes? Did somebody lie to you at some point in your life? And tell you you have white eyes? All the time.

Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible Trini Martinez. You're a fun interview. I love that you chose here for your first set, even though I normally don't like it when people do that. The punchlines aren't really there yet, but man, you have balls, dude. You have balls, dude.

I like the risks that you take, Trinney Martinez. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Sign up again. Come back some other time. There you goes. Trini Martinez, everybody, the kiltony debut of Trinie Martinez. Oh, you know, I'm about to do something really crazy, everybody.

You guys like unbelievably awesome shit? You know, sometimes there's a golden ticket winner slash regular that you don't see for a while. You know, I'm an old pro wrestling fan. One of my favorite pro wrestlers, he exists right here, famously put me through a table, Kill Tony Mania in Las Vegas, the Undertaker. I think with The Undertaker,

one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all time, is that he wasn't always a full-time roster guy. You know, he wasn't on Monday Night Raw every week. You'd save him for, like, paper views, and there'd be a big build-up. You wouldn't see him for a while, and he would come out absolutely nowhere. I like to think this next comedian is our version of that.

Sometimes he's gone, comes back. He is an icon. An absolute freak of nature. You guys are about to go nuts, as I bring to the stage for the first time in quite a while. In fact, I think since killed Sony Mania, this is the long-awaited return of the one and only

Timmy Nobring. I'm gonna fuck you girl. Okay, relax, bitch. Look, I don't know if you guys all know these episodes are on a delay. Okay, like this episode's gonna be coming out in a week, so I'm doing topical jokes based on what I assume will happen.

God damn. This is crazy. Do you guys see how, Obama's dick pick got leaked. Michelle Obama's. She has a horse talk. That bitch is a horse. September 11th, what, uh, yesterday it was Roe Shoshana, uh, Jewish New Year,

where my Jews at? Get the fuck out! Less of a prediction, more of a feeling. Look, uh, it's been a rough week for Kill Tone. for Kill Tone. You guys have probably seen the news. Dedrick is back in jail. I know. I know.

He gave me a statement to read. What did you know about getting arrested in Taiwan? Because your friend put a gun in your retainer case. Yeah, Dedrick Cizze is going to fucking kill me. A while ago, Uncle Laser got his dick sucked on a podcast by a 16-year-old or a girl that looked 16 with Down syndrome.

And apparently, uh, she didn't just look like it. I mean, holy fuck. He's a pedophile. He's an uncle. He's in jail. One more. Uh, Maun Phillips, also in jail.

Um, he held a baby. So, um, no, we're having fun. I, uh, I gotta get serious for a second. I don't know if you you guys probably heard, but we lost someone really important in the Kiltone family. And I just want to pay some respects to them, so play the video. I'm trying to pay my respect. Here it comes. All right, here it comes.

Give it up for my special needs son in the fucking sound booth right now. All right, guys. Here we go. Hey, did you jump? It's pretty much... Bidt! What Bid? Pits of shit.

You fucking idiot. I'm so retarded. Fucking piece of shit. You pervert. Piece of fucking shit. You bad ass. Dumbass. Bid.

Absolutely amazing. Hey, Red bands. How did Red Band die? Natural Kajis? Uh... Really wish I didn't put that tear stick in my eye. Redbin, you have to go for this to make sense. You got to get the fuck out of here.

That doesn't make sense. This happens next week. They just, they fucking... Shut up! No, that took me. That took me fucking two months. It would be insane if Red Band accidentally dies this week. I know.

And you're like, right? And then this happens. No one would see it because I edit the video. Yeah. Oh, we would never find a new editor without your amazing editing orc red band. Oh, my God. Camera one.

Camera two. Camera three. Camera one. Camera three. Camera one. How would we ever go along? You know, I kind of hope he does die this week. Me too.

That's going to be in your actual in-memorium video one day. Timmy, amazing work. You are on fire, my friend. You look fantastic. Let me tell you, Red Band, actually, not only is he not dying, but I've been noticing his beard gets darker every week. I don't know what's going on. It's just for men.

You wouldn't know anything about this, quink. Oh, I got to. I mean, I know a lot. I've been using just for boys. Just for men. It looks so natural. No one can tell. Timmy, what's going on in life?

What's it like being one of the top rock stars in all of the universe? Pretty good. You know, just, uh, just fucking and stuff and uh how you guys doing that's exactly what I thought what are you guys wearing

Hertz's got something cooking over here I know this is a night of a lot of callbacks oh yeah but I have to go take a shit whoa be sure to check out the mystery boys podcast where they alternate taking shits on Spotify and YouTube

Timmy you're an absolute sensation I mean that's that What? What's the shit callback? I took a shit earlier. Oh, you did? That's funny. They did that.

That's really funny. They just took a shit as a callback. That's funny. Thanks. Yeah. No, you're funny. I like it. You've white Mexican?

I don't know. What do you mean? Nothing. You're wearing a poncho. It's a poncho. Duncan will be in Dallas on September 18th, Fort Worth, September 19th, and Detroit, October, 23rd, 24th, and 25th. A little fun fact.

Oh my God, I'll be there. Yeah. Timmy, everything else is good in life. You're absolutely dominating. You've been fucking and everything. What else? Yeah, just fuck up. Was I supposed to prepare stuff?

No, you're good. Oh. This is the part where you would improvise just something that I send you out of life. All right, let's improvise. Can we get a suggestion? I just gave you one. You could talk about anything that you've been doing in life. What's that?

You're special. You're special. and retard. What are you saying? Yeah, I mean, I had a good Roosh Hashanah, you know. This is a good time to tell you guys, I'm Jewish and I'm sorry. I can tell the future now.

I got a neuralink, so, you know. Flip it. So, yeah, tell the future about people. These guys have cancer. All sorts of shit. I, uh, Hillary Duff and I are going pretty steady right now. Whoa.

Um, you know, she's, uh, God, that bitch is such a fucking whore. And, um, I love you. Margot Robbie has been stalking me. Wow. That's been crazy. Yeah. Hey, Margo. If you're watching this, do not come to 2822 East Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, Austin, Texas.

Don't do it, bitch. Timmy, you are the absolute man. We love you. A long way to return. I love you. I love you. set from the Greek. Timmy No Breaks, everybody.

How a good night. Thank you. Thank you. In a shocking turn of events, a bucket pool has to follow the legendary Timmy No Breaks. So let's see what happens as I bring to this stage. Jules Tollie, everybody. Here comes Jewel Tollie. So my mother's a whore.

So that means I got a stepbrother. And the day we met, he wanted to play me in the game with one-on-one basketball, and I oblige. I knew I needed to assert my dominance, so immediately threw the ball off his face and scored. Of course, I won. And I guess you could say whenever you compare me in that fella, I'm even winning in life,

because about 10 years ago, he became paralyzed. So now whenever I see him, I get to throw a different set of balls on his face. It's a shame he'd have made one hell of a boxer because y'all had to see that some bitch for open-doping nutsack. My therapist told me it's because I suffer from a certain PTSD called repetitive compulsion. It says it stems from whenever I was a child taking showers

with my dad, and he'd repeatedly smack me in the face with his tallywacker. He ain't the only family member I took showers with. I also had to get a few of my grandma. She'd at least hop in with her fruit of a looms on, but when them things got wet, it just blur everything out. Now I'm starting to think that's where my fascination with Japanese porn comes from. Hell yeah, Jewel Tolly. Welcome.

I like your style. You from Texas, born and raised? Yes, sir. Absolutely. What part? Gumbarrel City. Wow. Are you from there? Do you know each other?

Seems like a city small enough where you would have to know each other. You'd love it. There ain't no black people out there. Wait. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Let me put my butt plug where it deserves to be.

I'm so excited right now. When you say there ain't no black people, is that a double negative? Because if so, I'm taking the toll road. Are there really no black people there? I used to work at a sprint store out there. And four black guys walked in. And I looked at my boss and I said,

I think we're about to get robbed. Is that racist? She goes, yeah, that's racist. So I took my lunch break about five minutes later. Sure enough, it got robbed. Is that a true story? That's definitely a true story.

Of all the things that we've heard in the interviews tonight, I would guarantee that that's truer than almost anything. Wow. Duncan Trussell. You know, I love your voice, and what's incredible is you sound exactly like someone from Gun Barrel City. Like, it's amazing. Like, you should do voiceover work.

You should. Well, you know, what's amazing that Duncan's doing tonight is he's casting the next season of Midnight Gospel here tonight on tonight show. I'm giving away four seasons hotel rooms, and Duncan is actually giving one lucky person a voiceover. And this is such a special moment. It's bigger than anything that we could possibly award somebody is a guest spot on Midnight Gospel. You misunderstood me.

I said I needed a narrator for the incest porn I'm shooting. And you are hired, friend. I love it. I love it. Jules, do you still live in Gun Barrel? No, sir. Where do you live now, Austin? Yes, sir.

How long have you lived here? About five months. By the way, you don't have to call me, sir. Just call me Mr. Tony. Okay. So it's been five months, and this is a big city to you. I'm sure that. Am I correct?

Yes, sir. So what have you learned about living in Austin that you don't like or that you love or that you don't like? I'll let you pick. There's got to be some stuff that annoys you. And they just don't say the blacks. Go ahead. All the liberal women complaining about not getting abortions in Texas? Ooh, yeah.

I love it. Where are you finding these women at? Anywhere? H-E-B. Amazing. Amazing. I wish they just knew they could hang out by Lindsay Glancy. She loves killing kids.

That's right. That is right. Kurt Metzker. You ever try a little bit of dollar store gooning? What do you mean by that, Kurt? I don't want to say. Go ahead, Kurt. You brought it up.

Redband news. But why don't you describe what you mean? Supreme gentlemen, such as this gentleman, will go to the dollar store and I'll follow a lady around and goon. What are you going to do? It's the dollar store. And they're easier with... There's no dollar store at Gumbarrel City.

You know that, right? Is that a real city? That sounds like an animal. Where he's from? They got a dollar general marketplace. There you go. Get to go in... Can you tell the audience? There might be a few Syrian images.

immigrants out in the crowd that might not know what gooning is. Oh, that's when you do a hand flogging of your... Can you describe what flogging is for the immigrants in the crowd, perhaps? No, I can't have. All right. Jewel, what do you do for work? Deliveries, just anything that needs to be delivered. I love it. Can you build things? You seem like the kind of guy that could build cabinets or something like that. I can do a little bit of everything, but not good at anything.

Right. Okay. That makes sense. I love the honesty. I love it. Everybody else comes up here. They try to seem like they're good at everything, barber with bad hands and whatnot. Not you.

Not you. A master of none. What kind of pickup truck do you have? You have a 150 or a 250? F-150 or F-250 or F-250? 150. 150. I fucking knew it.

I fucking knew it. You know, a lot of people think I'm just a fucking, you know, Ohio, California boy that bought a bell buckle. But I consider myself as Texas as it gets. I can look at a man from Gun Barrel City and tell that you're a 150 guy. Now, you were built for a 250, but we're not quite there yet. You know what I mean? Trying to get on up to 350.

Whoa. You used to be able to get a good 350 around here, and then OZempa came around and bumped them all down to 150s. Now they're all 150s with extra skin hanging off their ass. Yep. Yep. Is deepaking up the white girls? Yep. All the 350s are 150s.

50s now. It's absolutely incredible. They both Zempect, the pickup trucks. Jule, let's get back to race here. What is your least favorite race of them all? Guatemalans. Ooh, good pick. Now, what is it about the wacky Guatemalans that you dislike the most? That is specific.

This is the part of the show in which? They swim too well. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit. Judd the Gooner on stage. Amazing. Jule, what's another fun fact about Jule Toley before I get you out of here? If there's something you do?

Because you seem like a real country boy, what do you think is the most crazy country middle of nowhere thing about you? Is there something you do? You ever jerk off the stick of butter in your hand or something like that? No, but in the army, they teach you to jack off to stay awake. Really?

What's crazy? I didn't serve. I didn't know this. That seems like the opposite, by the way. No, no, no. this is interesting. Thank you for your service. Hold on,

first of all. Jule, tell us more about this. Guys, let him talk for a second. Hold on. Let me see what he's talking about. It gets the blood flowing so it'll keep you awake.

Okay. I tell mother. That's the wrong head. It turns out Red Band is a SEAL Team 6 member. I didn't know this. It's absolutely incredible. I had no idea.

I know the red band is going to die with two purple hearts. The one in his and the one that he's awarded for his masturbating service. Damn, I hope I die this week. It would be epic. It really would be. I can get you a purple heart, by the way.

I know a couple people. Okay. Duncan Truzzle. Can you act out the moment in the military when your sergeant told you to jerk off to stay awake? Give it a shot. Keep it gone. Keep it gone.

What the fuck was he talking about? That's a pretty good act out. That's very good, Jule. Okay, so... You're gonna get tired out there! Did you ever serve overseas? No, sir. Where did you serve? What did you do?

You just had a base? I was just in the reserves, so... Okay. Weekend Warrior. They never called you up for anything? They didn't want me. Whenever I tried to go, they told me that I didn't even end up in the unit because I never showed up to work.

Wow. Well, you just learned the jerk-off thing? Nothing else? Kurt Metzger. I have a question. Just in the reserves, why would you need to stay up like that to the point of gooning?

All right. It appears as though someone learned about gooning while taking their shit in the bathroom. You know it. You know it. Are you sure you're not talking about the Boy Scouts? I wouldn't ever touch, so probably not.

I'm sorry, man. All right. Jule. It seems as though he's having flashbacks to a war he wasn't even in right now. Um, Jewel, uh, how long have been on stand up? About three years. Three years.

And most of it in gun barrel? Well, close. There's Tyler, which is about an hour away. Huh? So, out there. God damn. Incredible. And now you live here.

You know what, Joel? I just like you. I'm only giving you a big joke book because I like you. Let the record show. That's it. It's that easy. I just have to like you. I like an F-150 kind of.

guy, you know what I mean? That's just how I identify as an F-150 guy. I have a two-seat. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pool of the night. This is an interesting name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Q Rose, everybody. It's our final bucket pull.

How we doing, Tilly? How are we doing, people? All right, all right. I've been dealing with trying to date lately. You know what I'm saying? But I'm trying to get my money up. These girls don't want you to have a little bit of money. They want you to make a solid amount of money. I had a girl called me a broke nigga. We had the same job. I'm like, bitch, you can't take me out either. What the

fuck? Man, these women are different nowadays. You know what I'm saying? These new women are different. They're throwing me off, man. I'm confused, man. You know what I'm saying? It used to be either one of the date of, you know, man or a woman. Now, they want everybody. You know what I'm saying? I try to talk to this one girl. She told me she was a pansexual. I'm like, whatever, bitch, I'll fuck you on the stove. I don't get a fuck. I got pot. I got pot. I got pot. I got pots. Pans, fork, spoons. Bitch, this dick is non-stick. All right.

Thank you. Q. Rose. Welcome, Q. Rose. Is this your first time on the show? No, I was on a show like two years ago. Okay. But I didn't know what the show was. It was my first.

I was here by South by Southwest. Okay. And some of my comedian friends was like, sign up just everywhere. And I got called, and I ain't even know what the show really was about. So what did you? you do? What did I do? I mean, I came in here. I did my minute and then I tried to leave. I was like, right. Because I was like, I didn't know what. You didn't know what was happening. Yeah, yeah. Since then what? Since then, I didn't know the show, like, got millions of views and things like that and it was so big is what it was. And like, I just started getting into it. And I've been coming every week since for like two years now. So. Wow. So you just got pulled tonight for the first time in two years. Yeah. So it's amazing. I started. I didn't recognize. you. Your hair was much shorter last time you were on, I do believe.

So, Q Rose, let's catch up. Oh, you like that? Your hair was shorter? You like that red band. You like that one, because his hair is long. It must have been shorter. Q. Rose, what do you do for work? What exactly does your broke ass do for work? I mean, shit, compared to you, all these niggas is broke. But how do you make money? You go in a sprint store and gun barrel Texas doing a little I'm not familiar with the joke

but they laughing so fuck you you're right that is correct I implied that you rob places just to let you know I don't I'm not one to stray away shut up snitch oh shit

oh shit a lot of people don't know this me and Q Rose go back a long way we used to rob places together okay no what do you do for a living Q um I'm a shit I'm a veteran and Air Force veteran

And also All right Thank you for your taxes My niggas I appreciate y'all I love it What did you do in the Air Force Exactly

Air Force By just I was like Nepos Like Batman I was like Alfred Like I just kind of like helped them

With they shit Like packing parachute Night Vision goggles What you need Nick I mean Wow

Gotcha I love it Whatever they need, man. Work with pilots personally. Did they ever tell you to jerk off when you were getting sleepy? I don't know what they did in the Army, bro. I have...

Because me personally, when I jack off, I go straight to sleep. I don't know what that nigga talking about. That's what Red Band does. That's what Red Band does. Can I just... First of all, thank you for your service, sir. And could I just say... I'm just going to say,

I don't think that guy was really in the Army. He was in the Reserves and the... They never called him up. Oh, okay. So you are correct. But he knows how to stay up. We established that. Yeah.

All he learned how to do is jerk off in the military. Listen, I'm going to tell you this straight up. If you got any t-shirt to say, bitch, this dick is non-stick, I will buy them. It's all I can. Merch's coming soon. Q-Rose comedy. Follow me. That is a good point.

So Q-Rose, you've been doing comedy other places, right? Absolutely. Wait, I never got an answer. What are you doing for work now? I have a, I have a, like, I do like a peer space, basically like an event center and I have an Airbnb, so. Didn't you, and you, but what, you sell candy bars? I mean, I don't understand. What are you doing? Oh, you rent out your Airbnb. I rent it out. Yeah, I rent it out. And I have like a basketball court and they come and they play basketball type of shit. Yeah, it's, uh, wait, you rent it out and they play basketball? I have a basketball court inside outdoor, you know, just.

You know, use that benefits to set me up for life. Is it one hoop or is there two hoops? Holy shit. Kurt Metzker. That's like the Olympic pool of black people. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, yeah, I get a lot of black people there.

Yeah, more like a scare B&B, am I right? Okay. So where is this Airbnb located exactly? It's in Dallas. It's in Dallas. I'm from Dallas. I started comedy in Philadelphia. Near Mockingbird Lane.

Mockingbird Lane? Mockingbird Lane? No, I'm Martin Luther King Drive. What is it near? Where is it near? Can you give me a... Can you give me a... It's not near the Gabrielhood.

You're fine. Whoa. Six in Lombard? Okay. Q Rose, how about your love life? How's that going right now? I was talking earlier about how all the thick white bitches

have lost the weight from the OZempic, ruining it for a lot of people that are into plumber ladies. I mean, shit. I mean, I like all type of bitches, man. Okay. What is your number one ranked bitch right now? Shit.

This was like college football and you had to give a real number one. We're gonna go one through five. Oh, shit, man. You put me on spot. You say what, nigga? No one knows. Literally, nobody knows.

He doesn't even know. What number one guy? What the fuck is on you guys' head, bro? What the fuck you guys were? Now, stick with me here. Stick with me. Number one favorite bitch. Now, let me just give you a little inside scoop here.

You are in front of a lot of white bitches right now. I mean, I mean, shit. I used to fuck white women in Air Force. I mean, that's all we had. Okay. Okay. Fuck you, bitch. Stick with us.

Stick with us. I'm going to stick with you. I was about to find ass up. It's all right. So, Key Rose, let me ask you this, because it seems like you would fuck just about any type of lady. Yeah, as long as she was, damn, I don't want to be controversial.

No, go ahead. Please be controversial. We love that. We love controversy here. I would prefer her being born a lady. Is that all right? Oh. That's not controversial at all.

That is kind of, um, phobic, though. You see, you're about to get me canceled. Fuck this guy. Have you ever been with a lady that was born a man? No. Would you like to be? All right. Tony.

No, dog. Shit. Hugh Rose. Fuck, though. Why would you ask me that? You don't... What's the biggest lady you've ever been with?

If you had to guess the weight of the biggest lady you've ever been with? I just talked to this one girl that was, black girl was 260. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Yeah, 26. Let me ask you this. Did she use to... Had the jaws with a bull constrictor. Wow. Let me ask you this. Would she buy you things and cook for you and stuff? I've noticed that the heavier ladies like to buy things for the men.

From my own research. But I'm a gay guy, so what do I know about that? I mean, she used to cook. She used to cook real well. I mean, I don't think I played my cards. It's not like I didn't get a fat bitch with money, so I didn't play my cars right. Right. But, yeah, she used to cook, you know what I'm saying?

And I eventually got her to lose weight, so she... How did you get her to lose the weight? Did you have her playing basketball on your basketball court? Actually, yes. Really? Wow. That is amazing. Yeah, we get out there.

She'd burn some calories. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I said? We used to shoot some hoops, and then I used to fuck this shit out of us out. Wow. Thank you for your service, sir.

That is incredible. Well, Q Rose, thank you so much. such a fun set. Man, I am not writing down. Shout out to Dallas. D.F. Yeah, Triple D. Triple D. Give me some, brother. Y'all is that? Yeah.

Triple D. Shout out Dallas. Big, I'm big ups on Rooster Battle. So shout out Roos de Battle League. Is there anything else? Perhaps some cousins or something you'd like to have. Shout out Ray Ray, Lil Pukey. Oh, shit.

Little Pookie! Go Pookie, what's up, man? Pookie would not like you, nigga. Q. Rose, this is for you, my friend. It matches you. There he goes. Q Rose, everybody. We're having fun here tonight.

Thank you, Kew Rose. Very fun. Look how it starts. A friend dares him to sign up for a show. He had no idea. He gets addicted. He got a taste of that sweet, sweet crystal vape juice, if you will.

And now he's been signing up every week since. Didn't even know there was an interview part of the show the first time he signed up. It's amazing what happens here. What the fuck did he mean Pookie wouldn't like me? Well, I don't think Pookie's quite the conspiracy theorist. You get one shot with Pookie. If you blow it, that's it, dude.

Carfield. That's right. Okay, guys, it is that time, ladies and gentlemen. There's only one way to end a show like this. I call him the anomaly, the real, deal. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. This is Pat O'Neill, everybody. Last week, my doctor told me how sometimes erectile dysfunction can be the result of depression. I was like, no, dude. I'm sad because my dick doesn't work.

Stop talking about feelings like a chick and fix my fucking penis, please. Pete's sake. Suicide. It's a big issue in today's homeless communities. Not big enough, but we will get there one day. Homeless people, they're always screaming. By the time I'm done with them. Anytime I see one of them with a dog, I think, hey, well, can't be that hungry. So, glass half full.

On this show, probably 10, 20 homeless dog jokes, and no one cracked that code somehow. That is absolutely amazing, Pat O'Neill. You have truly done it again, even when a premise is covered. No one finds the fucking finish line quite like you. You are absolutely hysterical. Thank you, sir. Guys, this is your first time seeing the real deal, Pat O'Neill? Yeah, you're amazing.

That's great. Thank you, Duncan. Fucking great. And he looks like the bad guy from Ghostbusters, too, kind of, so that's cool. That is true. I like that about him. That is true. Igor.

Vigo! Vigo! I love you, Viggo. I'm seeing Jeff Goldblum, third act of the fly. Ah, that one too. That is, I can see that too. At least these guys have, these guys have new takes. Everyone else just says he looks like Rick and Morty.

This is amazing. Like both of them? Yeah. Yeah. It works every time too. It's amazing. No, that last joke is great, dude. That's such an offensive joke that I had to laugh at, so I really appreciate that.

Thank you, Kurt. Thank you. You are so funny. Thank you, Doug. It is crazy, and we just love having you here, and you've found this format, and it just works so well for you. You're just a fucking machine. We love you so much. Hey, Donnie. I want to come on his chest. Look at that fucking shirt. That's how. Wow. That is

the Heidi shirt. It makes me feel better about doing it to myself. It is an amazing shirt. Available at kilmerch.com. Pat will be with us in Dallas, Houston, Las Vegas, and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. We're going to have a lot of fun. about one more time for The Anomily, the Real Deal. Pat O'Neill, everybody. How much fun did we have tonight, huh?

Guys, check out the Mystery Boys. How about one more time for my amazing guests, Duncan Trussling, Kurt Metzger? Thank you. Free Andrew Day. Free Andrew Day! Be sure to catch Duncan in Dallas, September 18th. Fort Worth, September 19th, in Detroit, October 23rd, 24th, and 25th. Watch the Mystery Boys on YouTube or listen on Spotify if you're at work and can't make it to YouTube or whatever.

Any order? We'll be in Dallas, September 26th, Houston, October 17th, Las Vegas, November 13th, and 14th. And a New Year's Eve here in Beautiful Austin, Texas for the fourth year in a row doing an arena in our hometown. It's absolutely unheard of. It's so much fun. Redband? Check out the sunset stripATX.com secret show every Thursday. I love you guys.

We love you guys. God bless this audience. So much fun tonight. And God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Bye-bye.