KILL TONY - KILL TONY #786

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

Donnell Rawlings, Sam Tallent, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 09/14/2026 Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killetton. Comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get out front, Tony, and... Land, ladies and gentlemen. Fernando Castillo, Raulbellejo, Carlos Sosa, Tris Leches. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The human butt plug, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. The great John B's on the keys.

And believe it or not, live in the flesh, that is D. Madness. on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. What a crowd we have here tonight. You guys ready for some fucking fun or what? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors

that made tonight's episode possible. Hey, listeners, here's a little riddle for you. What a gearheads, news junkies, biohackers, comedy nerds, and true crime-obsessed wine moms all have in common? They've heard a hell of a lot of ZipRecruiter ads. Let's face it, ZipRecruiter. is everywhere. Why are they everywhere? Because great candidates for all your different roles are

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No wonder, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate first, like the first day. That's right. And I'm looking for someone to read as a co-host right now. But if you go to Ziprecruiter.com slash Kiltoni to post your job for free, once again, that's Ziprecruiter.com slash kiltony. And if you forgot where to go, don't worry. You'll hear another ZipRecruiter ad real soon. If you need to hire fast, post your job on ZipRecruiter in minutes, and we'll quickly find the best people for your job.

We'll even show you the most interested candidates first, so you can start talking to the right people faster. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored.

We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes, behind the scene stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.

dot supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtony supercast.com. All right, back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week I booked this thing, I'm gonna be honest with you.

Some weeks are better than others. How many of you have been fans of the show for what you would consider a long time? Well, then you're in for a real chance. I mean, talk about an interesting mixture of two different types of all-time great guests. One of them, known for absolute chaos, known for absolutely running off sometimes,

known for leaving the show randomly, the only person to walk off multiple times, known for his accidental love of trans comedians. The other guest, Highly considered one of the greatest guests in the show's history. Everybody loves them. We love both of them. They are indeed two of the best stand-up comedians in the world.

I present to you one of the greatest mixtures I've ever booked in my entire life. Make some fucking noise for the great Sam Talent and Donnell Rollins. Great Sam Talent. Sam's new novel, Brute, is out September. 22nd available for pre-order now. It's about a Marine hitman in Paris killing a lot of people. So please, it's a violent sexual thriller.

The great Donnell Rawlings. I am so happy to be ranked the worst guess in the history of the Kill Tony universe. I'll work years to get this title. And please, Juanita, if you're watching, I'm not gonna fuck you. Save the fuck out of my damn Juanita.

We will, we will not fuck you. You have single-handedly made me allergic to everything white, Tony. White chocolate. I was watching Jaws the other day. I turned it because it was a great white shark. White is dead in my life. It was very easy to tell who you were introducing when you gave the intros back.

Well, we looked at the... the same, one dark version and one white version. Which wins? And hey, it's a hole in the dark. You know what I mean? I absolutely a lot of... What the hell did I just miss? I don't know. Latinos

bonding. They do that. They do that. These guys are both at hilarities in Cleveland, separately. One... My night is black night. Yeah, you guys listening in a northeast

Northern Ohio know which one is for you. We're both urban acts. Yeah, yeah. People buy their tickets Day of to my show as well. People don't show up to my show. Donnell's... I'll blacked you, nigga! Donnell's also at the MGM Grand,

Thanksgiving Day weekend. Of course, he has the Donnell Rawlings show. SamTalent.com for tickets for him. Donau Rawlings.com for tickets for him. That's how you know I have two great guests because it's their name and dot com. That's how you know nowadays. Some people are like, go to my Instagram and click on my bio to get tickets.

But you guys are two of the most legendary guests in the show's history. You guys know how the show works. If I pull a name out of this magical bucket, which about 300 human beings signed up for tonight. They get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then we talk about their set.

We find out more about them. They go from being a stand-up comedian, doing a minute to a guest on the largest live podcast in the world. Number one on YouTube right now. My goodness, gracious. Number one on YouTube. I believe the second biggest video out is conspiracy videos about our podcast. So I'm pretty sure that we are just pretty much, yeah.

We are in the graveyard, if you know what I mean. Really, really crazy times happen. I'm not. I never show up in those, and it hurts my feelings. It's amazing. You need to swing by more. You have to get some of that sweet, sweet Peter Thiel money that we're all getting. I'd love any money from anyone right now.

There are two holes in my roof. Please. Come to Hilarities in Cleveland. All you have to do is Joe Rogan's podcast. We're all in the Illuminati. I've done it twice. Hilarities Cleveland this weekend. Plenty of tickets available.

And then the next week, I'll be there, bitchy! That's right. Hell yeah. If the roof is left on. I'm going to let this defensive coordinator who took a massive loss this weekend pick the first name. And while we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night,

we have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain, the return of one of our favorite golden ticket winners of all time. It's been a while since he's been on this show. He just moved to Austin. Texas this week, originally from Japan. He used to live last week. He lived in Toronto, and he is the newest resident

of Austin, Texas. This is the long-awaited return of Kansai Yasuda. Hello. Hi. I am Japanese. Japanese, I just moved here. I've been living here a while. I mean, I mean, I just moved here, trying to get culture,

trying to get used to the cultures here. One of them is a bro culture. You guys, what? The bros, yeah. They're confusing. I've been studying them. And I found out the bros, they are so afraid

to be seen as a gay person. That's okay. But they also like to do some really gay stuff. Because the other day, a good friend of mine, he's bro. He texted me a person. picture of his bolsack. And I was afraid.

What's his intention? Then I thought about it. He's just trying to be a friend. He just tested me if I can take a bowl sack as a humor. So I was like, respect. I got to do the same thing. So clean everything, nothing. Like a Hiroshima.

Picture, picture, yeah. Took a picture of my ball, also included a penis for surprise attack. Per habo. And I sent it to him, sent it to him. And this bro ghosted me for like two days. And I was like, bro, what did I do wrong? And this bro told me a valuable lesson.

He told me, bowl is, bro. Penis super gay. What's the day? What's the difference? It's the same company. I have some time. Thank you very much. Canzai Yasuda.

Thank you. You need to spend some more time here in Austin. That accent gets thicker somehow every week. Check in with the crew here. You sound like me doing an impression of a Japanese guy. I'm racist as hell. When you were in the back in the green room, I saw you had sushi back there and he was sitting beside it.

Yeah. He brought it. I just assume he made this. I was like, good job. Who did they go? Who did that? There was some tough. You're having a hard time sleeping on couches?

Yeah. Because you're used to sleeping on bamboo mats. We sleep in the floor. I know. I'm used to anything. I'm good, I'm good. Were you talking about couches or were you saying culture? Culture, yeah.

Culture. Culture. That's what I wrote it down. I wrote down coucher. And then I was going to ask him. I wrote down Coucher because I'm like, what does that mean to Coucher? Maybe since he moved here, he's crashing on Couches.

And then I realized halfway through, you're trying to say the word culture. Culture, yeah. Culture. Culture. So which one of us was racist then? Who's in trouble for this? Let me apologize in your language.

Go men, Nassai. Ooh. Oh, oh. Arigato. Thank you. Okay. So, so. So, Kansai, you moved to Austin, Texas this week.

I purposely didn't talk with you in the green room about it. Tell us about this whole thing. Oh, yeah, so I got the visa here. Yeah, yeah. Whoa, you got the visa? Yeah, I got the visa. I'm free! Oh, my goodness.

Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Look at that. Thank you, man. Yeah, it took so much time. That's what happens. We didn't do it legally.

Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. Haven't seen James McCann in a while. A lot of a paperwork. And no one's better at paperwork. That's right. Fill out their forms.

It's part of their coucher. What do you think he was saying? Coucher? I want to, this is a crazy question, but are slanted women's vagina sideways? I mean, are Asian women's vagina slanted? It's sideways? Yeah, I've heard that rumor.

You've never been with an Asian woman before, Donnell? Have you been with an Asian person? Fuck you and Juanita! It's so abusive at this motherfucking table. So Kansai, here you are in Austin, Texas. What's your living situation? I crush my friend's couch right now. So you are a coucher.

You're a coucher with culture. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. So is your girlfriend still working at the ramen place in Toronto? Oh, she moved to Australia. Oh, long distance. Oh, boy. That's counterculture.

It's a... It's a... Okay, so how long has she been in Australia? She just moved... When? It's like same time as to me two days ago. Okay. Yeah.

This is incredible. Do you think it's going to work for you guys, her being in Australia around a bunch of crazy offspring of former prisoners? I know. And you here in Austin, Texas, where even the threes are hot for some reason? So hot. It is incredible. It is incredible.

So Austin, Texas. There's something in the barbecue here. Yes. You're touching yourself right now. Yeah. Got a little, someone's got a little ramen in their hand, huh? You know what? Xiaoleng Bao.

My goodness. You're gonna tarry your yaki, you keep pulling like that. Two fish balls, two fish balls. Oh, row, row your boat. All right. Masturbation. Very good. Masturbation.

You've been practicing. Yes, yes. I do it all the time. Yeah. So how do you think this is gonna work? You guys are just gonna FaceTime all the time? Yeah, FaceTime, maybe like, hopefully later on we can just, you know, have a video sex. Why?

Little sex? Yeah. Why Australia though? Yeah, why did she go to Australia? She doesn't have a visa here. Oh. So she's gonna work there to save money. I don't know what she's gonna do.

You must be horrible and bread for a bitch to just go to another country. Another continent. Another continent. See you, Rayrar! I don't know. I miss her. Yeah. Are you going to open things up maybe

while you're long distance? Try and get some flesh pleasure? I don't know the translation in Japanese. Fresh treasure. It's a fresh treasure. Yeah. The same. Yeah.

I did, I did, I did went to Mexico, Tijuana. Ooh. Yeah. $20. Saki, Saki. Wow. Look at that. We went from shy and secretive

to very revealing. That's the prices after the war. Wow. Yeah. Kansai Yasuda. Are you going to miss your famous ramen place in Toronto? Look at the camera and say, what is the name of that ramen place again?

Li Quesimen Tondo Ramen. Very good. I understood that. About as well as I understood half your set tonight. So this is incredible Kansai. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Thank you.

We are excited to see you more often. Welcome. Yes, thank you. The newest resident to Austin, Texas. Can I plug one thing? You can prug whatever you want, my friend. Go right ahead. I'm going to do it with the Tokyo Kampai Boys.

Tokyo Kampai Boys. It's a tour, you know, with the three Japanese people. He came here, Daiske, remember? Yeah, okay. What are you saying exactly? Tokyo what? Tokyo Kampai boys. Kampai?

Kampai? No Kama pie. No Kama Pai. Especially not for you. She's in Australia. No Kuh, no Zeta. You guys are getting me in trouble, man. I already said $20.Ski-suki, I'm gonna be in a big trouble.

$10.6.00 full package. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, right now. Okay. How do you just have that sound? He has the wackiest soundboard of all times. of all time.

It's crazy over here. Anyway, I'm on a Tokyo Kampai Boys tour with the three Japanese guys. How do people find tickets instead of saying... Oh, punch up... Live. Live. Slash Tokyo Kampai Boys.

Good fucking luck finding that, everybody. Punch up. Tokyo Kampai Boys. Look it up. Come on. Yeah. There he goes. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Guys.

Thank you. Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Now that is the Golden Tigger winner. Believe it or not, even though I didn't understand half of what he said tonight, that is one of our elite comedians. So imagine what this bucket's going to be like. But it could be great.

It could be great. This is where we find all of our fucking legends is right out of this bucket. So it could be the next great genius. It could be a psycho that didn't prepare. Anything can happen. 60 seconds, uninterrupted, and then an interview for your first bucket pull of the night. His name is Chad Ross, everybody. Here we go.

Hello, hello. Hey, guys. So, excited about the Texas Longhorns win this weekend? Can I get a number one team of the country? Hell yeah. All right, so I think that everybody has went way too far with the whole health craze. How many people are in support of that? Like, for example, there's organic everything.

There's freaking organic pop-tarts now. Like, what the hell? It's ridiculous. So I'm at Sam's. I go to Sam's, and I'm looking to buy a giant thing of honey. Okay? So I'm looking at these two things of honey. I'm like, they have organic honey, and I'm looking at it.

And I'm trying to sigh, like, is it worth the extra $3 to go organic? Freaking idiot. What the hell is organic honey? Like, it's bees. It's freaking bees. Like, what? We have free-range bees now? We play Inya music for some bees.

Like, what the fuck? What is, what are they doing? How do we have organic honey? Like, it's just liberal-ass marketers trying to sell the crap we don't need. All right, Chad Ross, ladies and gentlemen, here we are, Chad. Welcome. How are you, buddy? I like your style.

I think that was a rough minute, but I could tell there's something hilarious in there. Oh, man. Really? Was it rough? I'm so hard. I feel like if me or Donnell said that word for word, it would have killed. That is true. I feel like somebody finally beat me for the worst guess on Kiltown. I was waiting for the host to catch a predator walk, and he just got that in.

Do you want some cookies? I'll be right back. This would be a great place to escape, too, if you were being chased by predator catchers. But welcome, Chad. This is your first time on this show, correct? Definitely first time. First time ever performing in front of any audience. whatsoever. Wow. How old are you, Chad? I am 46. What made you want to start comedy here today?

Wife died? Well, no. Wait, wait, wife died and got away with it. Yeah. She's very much alive. She has no idea I'm here, though. Where did she think you are right now? I am playing in the World Series of Poker event here in Austin, Texas. Wow. So I'm here for that. But did you get a eliminated today? No, well, yesterday, but yeah. So was your plan, were you ever going to sign up for this? If you were still in it, if you were still in the tournament, you wouldn't even be here, right? Right, right.

Yeah, I found out about Kill Tony because of Doug Polk's little thing. Absolutely. One of the best poker players in the world, the number one ranked heads-up player in the world. Yeah, yeah. So he did a bit on this, and that got me into Kiltony, and I'm like, I've been writing material for years. You have? I love it.

I love it. It's tough to know what works and what doesn't when you haven't tried it before. You added somewhat of an angle a lot better than a lot of people's first times. I could tell you that. At least you had an angle on it. I have a lot of questions. One, why did you hit yourself so hard in the head? It was incredible how hard you hit yourself.

You don't need to do it that hard. I think it's more funny. I mean... People were like genuinely concerned for... I mean, it was a very hard hit. It wasn't like even a slap. It was like a true thud. Do you feel okay? Are you okay after that?

Yeah, no. Slight concussion, but I'm fine. Your ears are bleeding. Yeah, well... I was the only wanted to give a fuck. I was like, do it again, do it again. And after that said, your wife's still not going to know you was here. Chad, what the hell... Here's my next question.

What the hell is a Sam's? Oh, my God. You don't know what a Sam's Club is? Oh, Sam's Club. You just said Sam's. Sam's Club, I mean, who says the whole... We don't believe in Sam's Club here. This is H.E.B. Country, ladies and gentlemen.

You've got to learn the way you come out pandering of the Texas Longhorns. Big win. Anyway, it was at Sam's this week. And I was trying to buy some fucking honey. And these liberals have given me organic honey. By the way, have you seen the honey supply they have at H.E.B.

They have Round Rock Honey. Wow. Wow, absolutely incredible. Have you ever seen someone pander and it didn't work? That was kind of brutal. But he's figuring it out. You're figuring it out here. So tell us, what have you been doing your whole life up until this point?

You're a poker player? What are you, an engineer, mathematician type? No, I own a construction remodeling company, Granite and Moore in Frisco, Texas. Frisco, Texas. Yeah. I live in Richardson, Texas. But, yeah, that's where my company is. What's the name of the company?

Granite and Moore. Granite and more. Let's look up some Yelp reviews for Granite and more. This is a little segment on this show we call Bad Yelp reviews, everybody. We'll see if you got it. You better hope you got all five stars. You're very lucky because Red Band has no idea how to spell granite. It's I-T-E.

Oh, my God. With an E after the T. And the word and. We do amazing work. I don't know what this says, but we do all. awesome work. So everything on there is probably before I ever bought the company. By the way, Red Band spells more with two O's, everybody. No, I thought it was like a, you know, like a lawyer, like Brandon and Moore.

Very good, Red Band. Yeah. What a retard. It's unbelievable. Every week you shock me. This is incredible. He thought it was a paint company for Granite. Okay, remind us, where is this company, Richardson, Texas? Frisco, Texas.

Frisco, Texas. I can't believe you can't find it. It should be like... Oh, we're going to find it, buddy. Don't you worry. Again, he literally has no idea how to spell any. He had to pull up his VPN. Uh-oh.

Oh, no. Oh, look at him. Look at him. Look at him eking his way over. I turn around his heads between me and Donnell. Like, oh, shit. Here we go. Find the reviews there, Red Band.

Tap me when you're ready. I can see that one. It says... Okay, here we go. Are you guys ready? This is one of our favorite. segments, this is bad Yelp reviews, only on Kiltoni. Now, you are the business owner, correct? Yes. Here we go, buddy. Patty Y says one star. I am astounded by the utter lack

of professionalism and organization at this so-called business. My husband and I moved to Texas a few weeks ago. I am seven months pregnant and we are trying to start our family. Todd, the owner of Granis, she's got your name wrong. It's a previous owner. That's what I'm saying. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

How long ago did you sell the company, or get the company? I bought it the company in 2020. 2020? Yeah. I got news for you. This reviews from five years ago. So here we go.

All right. Well, he seemed very nice. He told me that my husband has been the best project manager. That's before my time. I'm telling you. Okay. That's what reviews.

You'll know they're his when they say, The owner really hates organic honey. Oh, it does say over five years ago. You know what? You're right. Oh, the guy before you. Oh, five stars. That's you.

Woo. You know what? It all turned around when you got it. He wrote his own goddamn review. His name is on it. I just wasted three goddamn minutes trying to find a bad review. Look how excited he is.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for you. He's never done stand-up or celebrated publicly before. What the hell was that, man? It's incredible. You might be one of the whitest humans ever on this show. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. Whoa, take it easy.

Take it easy, Chad. Don't? Take it easy. Too many Asians on this episode, if that's the case. So, Chad, tell us about your life. Other than poker and do you have any special skills or talents or anything? You seem like the kind of guy that, like, cuts things out of magazines and, like, makes a different person out of the different eyebrows.

and eyes and things. You don't look like that to me. He's a doll with me. It's like the guy behind his laptop, like, ugh. I mean, you were famously on the cover of every episode of Mad Magazine for years.

Now here you are. From being on the comics to being a comic, here he is. I am one of those guys that, for their whole life, everyone's like, Chad, God both broke the mold with you.

Like, they always... What? Somehow Kassai Yasuda was easier, to understand than you. Brooke the mold? Oh, broke the mold. Got it. Yeah, I need some water.

Okay, have some water. There's some jokes inside that can, too. It's like Popeye all the way. Oh, no, he's allergic. Okay, so. That's white trust right there. Yeah, absolutely. I'm pretty sure Chad's only...

Lank people would have never done that shit. White's like, yeah! I could tell from looking at him, Chad's only been with one woman in his whole life, without a doubt. He's not having reckless sex. Ah, Juanita, where are you? So you said broke the mold?

Yeah, so I'm like a really unique guy. So people always... We knew that, motherfucker. People always tell me that they should have a TV show walk me around, you know, follow me around. But why? Tell us the details. Now's your time to say it.

You're on this show right now. Just chill out, let me talk. Here's the real deal. Chill out, let me talk. Donnell's on this episode. I'm on Control. It goes on. Off the fucking rails.

Okay, I'll talk over. You gotta get to the point. You don't have real friends. Come on, tell us some fun facts about you. Okay, I'm like a kind of crazy person. I love fun people. I need details. I'm trying to think of some details.

Like, I mean, what is... You ever like, kill the hooker? Okay. What's crazy about you, Chad? Let me give you an example. Okay, so I'm sitting at the poker table. playing poker with these guys. Okay.

And one of the dealers knows me and thinks I'm, you know, knows I'm kind of weird or whatever. Yes, sir. Broke the mold. So. Keep going, Chad, for the love of fucking goddess. So she goes,

Chad, I don't know why, but you remind me of smeggle. Smeagle. Smeagel. Right. Smeagel. From Lord of the Rings. That makes sense.

No, no, no, no. No, you have the ears of Smeagle. She is correct. Not the character. Not the character. The what? The historical figure? No, like, like dick cheese. Do you know what?

Smagma. Smagma. Smagma. Smagma. Yeah. Sam, can you translate this for me, please? Smagma, sorry, I forgot the name. Smegma, and correct me, you're the expert, but... No, I never heard the word before.

Samagma is the gooey. It's like the body, like, stink cheese that collects in four skin. Yeah. Ah, got it. Got it. I guess I should have gotten to Red Band for the disgusting, our chief disgusting course. I had never heard the word. I'm like, what the hell is Magma?

Like, I never heard of it. Of course. And then, so, I'm, like, trying to figure out what the hell it is. And then no one will tell me at the table. They all, like, won't tell me. Because you don't have friends. No, because it was, you know, it was funny to, like, Chad. You're 46 years old.

Guys, let me just take this. Guys, I just need the floor for 20 seconds. I'm going to tell you something. You're 46. years old. I just asked you the craziest thing about you, your entire life, your history to draw from. And you told me that a fucking poker dealer two days ago told you that you remind them of smegma or whatever the fuck. This is crazy right now. This is nuts. I set you up with the biggest, easiest softball. I'm trying to get to a longer story. Well, don't. Don't get to a longer

story. Keep it short. Donnell. The funny thing is he's a real poker player because everybody's looking at you with the poker face, like, what the fuck are you talking about? Give us one fun fact about your life. Are you good at something? Yeah, I'm like really good at a lot of things. That's not an answer. You have to name a thing. I know. You're clearly not that good at fucking poker. You drove seven hours from fucking nowhere land. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Don't talk about Frisco like that. We have a Sam's Club. You son of a bitch.

And this weekend, Cleveland has a Sam's Club. Hilarity. I played saxophone. I was a finance major, saxophone major. Graduated from Rice to top of my class. You graduated from Rice? Go play it.

Wow. Play the set. And here. I drank the water. Are you going to let him play? Oh, shit. That was close. That would have been great.

You guys like spitting the thing, right? There's spit has something to do with this. I have a finance background. I worked in finance for a long time. What have you done? All right, guys. I got it. Thank you.

But I'm very creative. I do a lot of writing. Okay, all right. That's it. There you go. Here's a medium joke book. There you go. Next time, think of these things before you come out.

There goes Chad Ross, everybody. I can tell he's coming back. know a comeback story when I see one. Donnell just asked, where's Heidi? And there she is, the loveliest of them all. Getting us all fucking hydrated on a hot Texas day. The lovely Heidi. This is walk-off juice for me, Tony.

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Bye-bye. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name, 60 seconds, Uninterrupted, the opportunity of a lifetime for Luella Chavez, everybody. Luella Chavez. I need to update the contacts in my phone because Meta keeps suggesting I add people that have fired me. I'm a serial employee. This time last year, I got fired from my housekeeping job. And like any good serial employee, I hit the ground running, started applying to tons of places. And on the In-N-Out application, it asked how many employers I've had in the last three years. I would have rather

have given them my body count. So, I love Netflix documentaries, don't we all? I really, really, I usually watch true crime, but I really love the Arnold Schwarzenegger one, you know? Yeah, yeah. And I didn't realize how compatible we were.

You know, he loves cigars, I love cigars. He loves working out, I love working out. Boy, did I get into housekeeping at the wrong time in place. And then sometimes I'll see his adorable Guatemalan son on Instagram, and I'm like, oh, Miho. Thank you. That's my time.

Lulele Chavez. Welcome to the show. This is your first time here, correct? How long you've been on stand-up? Off and on, more often on, six years. I have to check in with Donnell Rowling. She's got to raise my hand. Did you hear her accent? Yeah. I have an accent? No, she said Arnold Schwarzenegger. She said

It wasn't nager. She stuck to ER, son. I have to say, it did help me memorize how to spell his name because the end, it's N-E-G-G-E-R. What ethnicity are you exactly, Luella? I'm Mexican.

100% Mexican? Yeah. Wow, okay. Okay, I'm surprised you're having trouble getting a job then. Have you tried ZipRecruiter? It's the promo code Kill Tony.

You can get a job very easily. I'll try that next time. You said that you've had a lot of employers. Correct. What are we talking about? What is the number? I don't... Over 30.

Why is it hard? Well, what's your body count? Okay. What type of job are you looking for? Something that I am good at? Like what? I have no idea. Here we are.

I am currently working. What are you doing? I am a cocktail server inside the Coliseum at Cesar. Palace. So I work during the concerts. That's in Vegas? Yeah, correct. Wow, we're going to be in Vegas. We're actually doing a two-night residency at the MGM Grand. Absolutely incredible. And by the way, Donnell will be at the MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Look at us. Absolutely incredible. So Luella Chavez, you live in Vegas? Yes. What brought you to Austin, Texas this week? To try comedy.

How long have you been doing comedy? I'm off and on six years. years. And so, okay. More off than on. We can tell. Thanks. So Louella, what made you pick that minute, six years of trying this? Is that your best material, you think?

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'll take it to know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. I could see why you're unemployable. So Louella, are you born and raised in Vegas? No. How did you end up there?

Well, I moved there in 99. I'm from San Jose, California. What made you move there in 99? Because I was couch surfing in San Jose, California, and I moved out with family. Why were you couch surfing in San Jose, where you were born and raised? I feel like porn was involved with this story. So is this your first time? Okay, Luella, let's talk about it, because maybe we could find you a job here today.

Maybe it's humanly possible. Are you good at granite? Can you spell the word more? No, seriously, that's been an issue up here. More? Yeah, yeah. Do you have any special skills or talents at all? Is there something you're good at?

There must be something. Come on. You like darts? Oh, no. Yo-yo? I don't like those kinds of things. I don't like cornhole and pickleball and shit like that. Okay.

What do you like? Oh, I like dancing and singing. I'm not very good at either. I have a couple of parodies on YouTube, actually. Sounds terrible. It is. Sounds horrendous. I can't even imagine.

But, like, what are you good at? You just said singing and dancing, but I'm not good at those. That's what you said. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to find out what you might be good at. There must be something that you're good at. Huh. Do you know how to code?

Definitely not. Anything? Nothing at all. This is a tough one. She's primed to get sex trafficking. I can feel it in her future. I think that's how... She's about to get flued out.

I can feel it. Fluid out. She might get flued out. She's about to be traffic like a ditty story. I'm telling you. She's about to... Bad boy. Oh my God.

That's how she got to Vegas from San Jose. That's what I'm trying to put this together here. So what do you do for fun in Las Vegas? That's an easy question. You don't even have to be good at anything. What do you do for fun? That's easy much. easier, yes, yes, yes. I love dancing and singing and a smoking...

Oh, God. All right, here you go. There you go. Here's... Wait, I found a smaller one. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Luella Chavez, everybody. On to the next one we go. My goodness gracious. Absolutely incredible. I like singing and dancing. I got my eyebrows at Costco. I like dancing and singing and I like singing and dancing. I like dancing. I'm not good at it. I'm banging. I'm not good at it. She could have said that.

If she would have said that, that would have been hilarious. If I'm like, are you good at anything? She's like brushing my teeth. That would have crushed. I think that's all the English she knew. On to the next one we go. You see, the bucket can be rough. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds,

uninterrupted from Mike Holloway, everybody. You ever notice that peanut allergies and abortions became popular? around the same time. I think that peanut allergies are circumstantial evidence that God is cool with abortions. Because somebody dying from a peanut allergy, it's a lot like God saying, hey, you know those abortions you like so much. Missed one. There's a certain segment of the LGBTQ CIA community that wants to accept pedophiles. And they don't want people calling them pedophiles anymore. They want to rebrand them as maps, minor attracted persons.

If you ask me, it's going to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase Google Maps. Google's going to have to rebrand as Google No Chomo. All right. All right. Mike Holloway. Welcome back. It's been a while. Yeah. How long has it been? About a year. Okay. You've been signing up continuously? How come you haven't been on? because I haven't got pulled. There you go. So yes, got it. What do you do for work?

What I do for work? I work at NADC Burger. Oh, nice. Heck yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About eight years, seven, eight years. I started right before COVID, and then COVID hit, and so I had to, like, take a year off.

Got it. Anything crazy happened in your life since the last time you've been on? It's been a year? Anything interesting at all? Not since the last time I've been on, but we didn't talk about it the last time. Okay, go ahead. I did get arrested.

Ooh. Was it for wearing that shirt at a middle school? Oh my God. Damn, you beat me too, man. When he walked out, that their shirt looked like, yeah. It's all penis Star Wars, guys. What did you get arrested for, Mike?

Assault with a deadly weapon. Whoa. It's not as bad as it sounds. Tell us about it. Okay, so I was, I had been here about two weeks in Austin, and I was door dashing and staying on a friend's couch. And I had, like, no money. I had $3 to my name.

He spent the last three on that shirt, right? Yeah. This was a gift. I believe it. From who? Your worst enemy? From the Grinch? No, from my brother.

Oh. So you have Down syndrome? I got you the greatest shirt I've ever seen. This is my favorite. I bought me one, too. I got a matching shirt. You're my favorite brother. You're my only brother, too.

Okay. Go ahead. You had $3 of your name. You were telling a story. You're on a live show. Go ahead. So,

I was door dashing and I got my first dash for the day. I pulled up to there was a restaurant next to a Texaco. I park in the Texaco.

And here we go. Here comes the story, everybody. And so I walk up to the door of the restaurant and somebody says, hey, somebody's putting a boot on your car. This is like literally... I know what I do when I find out someone's putting a boot on my car.

I go get my deadly weapon. What did you do? This was like, that's 10 seconds after I parked. So I go back and the dude looks like he's a homeless guy, right? He's all dirty. He's dressed like you? Okay. So I'm like, hey, come on, man.

I'm door dashing. I just pulled up. Let me move the car. I'll move the car. And he's like, no, $100. Wow. You don't hear that. Yeah.

What accent was that? Was that Russian? Middle Eastern accent. Okay. All right. Maybe it was Choda. Okay, Sam. Not everybody can see the exact neon green details of that shit shirt you're pointing out.

It was a Yoda reference, though. That is correct. Yoda but a penis. All right. Keep going on with the story, Mike. I'm trying to punch up the story. I know. I know.

It's very hard. Yeah. He makes it impossible. Only thing harder is Chewbacca. So, um... A wookie over here. Continue with your story. So I immediately start thinking that this is a scam.

Right. Right. Because it's also not even a real boot. It's like a T-Moo cheap version. of a boot. Right. And so, but I was... That's unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Good job, Bradband. We are looking for the deadly weapon part of the story, Mike. I'll tell you, that's the bread and butter. That's the exciting part. At least we know he's near Texaco. Yeah. I'm getting there.

R2? D2? All right, another shirt. We're just roasting your shirt now. The story's a little fat. It's a little bum of fat. Go ahead. So I tried to appeal to his human decency again.

I was like, come on, man. I don't have $100. The only way I could even get you $100 is with this car. And he was still like, no, $100. So I panicked. Okay, okay. Red Band, very good. That's a callback to something that barely worked before.

Go ahead. And I pulled a knife out of my car that I started putting in there after I got carjacked at gunpoint. Oh, you bullshit now. And all that shit didn't happen to you. Yeah, why would anybody use a gun to carjack you? They could just pull you right out. Take it.

Okay, go ahead. So you got the fucking knife. You got the fucking knife in that. Yeah, so I'm pointing the knife at the boot and going, take the fucking boot off. Oh, you mean the boot that the guy is next to? That's on my car. No, he's like 10 feet away at this point.

So why would you have a knife at a boot? Why would you point that knife at the boot? I was pointing at the boot saying, take the fucking boot off. You're like, get this boot. boot off my car? That's assault with a deadly weapon. No, that checks out. Take it off or I'll kill the boot. Yeah. He's like a white soldier boy right now and I don't believe none of this shit. I got the reference. Thank you. My nigger. You did it wrong, motherfucker daff, motherfucker. You changed that. You can't be like,

all right, good job. You practice this backstage. You're like, I want to dapp the motherfucker. I know, my wrist hurt. Let's do it right. White version? Real version, let's do it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're pointing the knife at the boot. You can't pass the daft! Sorry, man! It's not for everybody!

Sorry, sorry. He didn't pass the dapp. I didn't. I gave him the fingers, sir. Don't worry. I'm going to try, even though... The taps are us. I can feel people turning off this episode in real time.

I'm just curious. You have the knife to the boot, and then what happens? Can you get to the bread and butter of this story? I quickly realized that he's not taking the boot off and I'm not willing to use the knife on him. So, oh my God. You, I put the knife away. Your story is as bitchy is that fucking shirt you got on, Matt.

The fuck do you have a knife for if you're not gonna stab a motherfucker? What did you think would happen when you pulled out the knife? You thought he would be scared and take the boot off? Yeah. That's assault with a deadly weapon. Obviously. Okay, well, there you go. Obvious, though? You're the one brandishing a knife at a boot.

In hindsight, yes. Tony, he pulled the knife out and pointed it at a fucking tire. Yeah. Who the fuck does that? I mean, I honestly, I thought you were a good year tire since you came out here. I started to pull mine out at one point. I got a little like that. All right, that's a dab.

That's a dab. Come on. I'm going to pass it off to red band here. There you go. You're going to want to wash your fist. Okay. Mike, here's a little joke book, my friend. It happens. It happens. It happened to you tonight.

Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Keep signing up. I don't get how you can't tell a fucking story sometimes. It's crazy. It's crazy. It hurts me. It's not that he was a white dude trying to tell a gangster story. Right. That's different. That's like, yeah, then we pulled him in his motherfuckers,

and then we took him to court. We sued the shit out of the bitch-a-a-us motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. We punked those marks. Yeah. motherfucker, esqire, bitch. I mean, I'm looking back at that story and he says that I'm pulling into this

it's next to a Texaco. Like, there's so much unnecessary information. You remember when he said Texaco? Of course. That's all I remember. That never came back to anything. There was no reason. He told us everything except for the actual. You should tell him like, hey, pretend you're on the biggest podcast in the world

and you're trying to entertain millions. It's crazy. Chad Ross, up here I'm like, tell us something about. There's a lot of crazy stuff, Donnie. That's an actual quote from Chad Rouse. Well, there's a lot of crazy stuff. People have said that I did, follow me around with the camera. I'm like, well, there's cameras on you now.

What do you got? Well, it's crazy. Yeah. I'm going to say it. Maybe any second, but I'm not. But I could, but I'm not going to. This is my one opportunity till I go back to Frisco. Population, by the sounds of things, 15,000 people.

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for young Spank. Spence, Young Spence. Shit, what's good, people? God damn, I made it. Let's get straight to it. I've been on paper since 08. I don't know if y'all, why y'all ain't a-haven, but white folks, papers mean, probation.

Uh, shit, probation, yes, probation, yeah. That means I have to go drop piss and shit. Like every three to three months, how I act for habit. But it's just crazy, like, because the first three years is a little bit dangerous. It was a little bit too bad. Like, I was getting the same dude.

Like, I was getting the same, same blood dude. I'm like, this dude kind of fun. Because it's how I started. When I first started going, drop his piss. He was like, all right, watch your hands. I'm like, all right, watch your hands. Lift your shirt up. I was like, I did that.

You know what I'm saying? Like, he felt like, okay, yeah. And then he's like, turn this side and start peeing. I'm like, huh? All right, whatever. This is going for like three fucking years. You know what I'm saying? In between my time and preparation,

three years going with the shit. So finally he'd go and I got a new dude. I'm like, so when dude, like, all right, watch him. Like, yeah, I know that shit going. I know what shit going. All right, I got you. You know what I'm saying? He's like, I was like, I started to do the thing.

He's like, you ain't got to do all that. I said, hi? I thought to let's. I'm like, all right, you dirty, son of a bitch. Look, you motherfucker. Okay, young Spence, that is your time indeed. Oh, my God. Young Spence, from what I gathered, hold on a second.

From what I gathered there, you were taking us through your adventures with different probation officers. Am I correct? Okay, talking to that microphone right there. Holy shit. Yes, I was. I got to, so this is true shit. I mean, that's kind of the gay shit I got for you, Tony.

I don't know how to show is. I was like, all, all right, that's on the gay shit. That's not how it works at all. Hold on. Young Spence. Stick with me here. Stick with me here. I got it.

How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? I've been just doing stand-up. I've been writing jokes since high school, so I say 05, about 15. I didn't start telling, like, on stage like this shit. So I got out of prison. So for my probation. So when was that?

2017. So I'll say about nine years. Wow. Where have you done it for nine years at? In Houston. Am I in Houston right now at the moment? I should have guessed that. I don't know why I didn't guess you were from Houston.

I can't believe it. No, I'm originally not for me. I'm from Detroit, Michigan. I would have guessed that too. I mean, that would have been my next guess. I swear to God. Push it. I mean, Detroit and Houston.

all checks out. Yeah, yeah. All checks out. No doubt about it. So let's get into it, Young Spence. What were you on probation for? I should, obviously, shit, robbery. You know what I'm saying? Okay.

What were you robin? Oh, shit, a bunch of stores, but here's funny thing about it. I love it. See, that's how you get to it. Bring Mike Holloway back in here. I'm kidding. It's a funny thing about the people. It wasn't so bad, but like,

when Texas say, don't mess with Texas, they really mean that shit. So I'm coming with like, when I heard the word aggravated, I'm like, okay, aggravated. But then when I have a gun, I said aggravated robbery, and like, oh, 30 years. Oh, no. I ain't signed up for that shit.

Donnell, can you translate that for it? Okay. What he was saying, like, I pulled the gun out. He wanted to fight me until I was going to jail. I was like, fuck down. Okay. Wait a minute. He said, I'm on papers, which means I got a probation officer.

Yeah. All right, here's another one. You white people might not know. All right. What's your government? Spencer, Spencer, Spencer, Isaac. What the fuck? What just happened?

I got the white people. White man, let me help you. That was my way of asking what's your real name. Welcome to Breakfast Club with Tony Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. I thought Spike Lee was doing jokes for the first five minutes. This is incredible. Holy shit. The fact that he got turned up, like the other jokes, he was with Connor,

but once he started talking about his criminal past, he started getting excited. He was like, I don't know where I can tell him. And then I robbed that mother. I would go worse than that. But like I said, it's clean as I can do it. I would be worse than that. What do you mean? You have worse, you have harder-hitting comedy?

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Like what? I try to be nice in front of, like, I'm sorry, white folks and everything. The white folks, the white folks like it rough. Yeah, we do. This is killed Tony. Yeah, that's part of why I should be here, yeah.

You thought doing gay shit was going to be wildly successful here? It only works for me, my friend. He got a bunch of gay jokes and shit on it. Why don't you do the hard? hitting stuff. Do give us a minute of that. Starting, you ready for it? You got it up there? Yeah. All right, do it.

Shit, my girlfriend left for midget. Oh, y'all find, yeah, y'all really find that shit fucking larynx. Really, really, fucking midget. It won't be so bad, but it's like, it sucks when you're in line at Burger King trying to get the 99-6 chicken nuggets. So what I'm saying? Like, oh, shit, chicken is

10th thing? Oh, sign me up. You know what I'm saying? Lime. Like, yeah, chicken nugget, chicken, look it? 9.0. That's not a sudden bad. And then I'm saying, boo. I'm leaving you. Uh-huh, bitch.

You leave me. For what? Yeah, I'm leaving. I'm like, oh, I don't do this shit, bitch. And I'm in the bitch. A fucking blingie bitch. Don't do this shit. Not right now.

Not right. They got a little kid behind me. Like, goddamn, man. Like, hurry up. Like, shut the fuck. I got grown-folk problems going on right now. What fuck wrong with you? Yo, I just got to say,

they got a different type of weed here. Oh. I don't know. what they smoking out here. That sucks to hear because I was going to ask you to translate that. Well, he would say it was like this little bitch was sucking my dick, I couldn't afford to pay her, so I was

like, whatever. I got left for a midgett. Donno, I got left for a midget, bro. But what did the chicken nuggets have to do with it? They're back at birthday. I was having a good time thinking I was getting a deal, but I already got fucked it in the day. Best way to do it. But so now I'm sitting and searching

for the midgett of what I'm saying? Damn, man. You got me fucked up. I knew I should never let this bitch drive my car. Fuck, okay, all right. I knew it was a problem when I found phone. Okay, okay, stop. Hold on, hold on, Young Spence. We got to breathe everyone.

You got me fucked up means there's a misunderstanding. I'm translating. Do more, do more. Hold on, hold on, hold on, young Spence. Let's go, hold on. I need to understand. So, me too. So your girl really left you for a midget?

or that's just a joke? I mean, that's part of it. I've been left for, but I learned how to like, obviously, for the crowd. I said, I need a laugh, so shit. But I, yeah. Right. So you've been left before, but never for a midget.

I'm sorry, any midgets in here or little people. Young, hold on. I apologize. Hold on. Young Spence, over here. How does the, I got lost at some point, and I think Donnell did too. Let me understand.

I was saying, word for word. Hold on. Pause. Please, for the love of God. Hold on a second here. How did the chicken nuggets applied to you being, your girl leaving you for a midget. I have to know before I ask you about the robberies.

Because I have a good day. When I having a good day, it's always some bullshit that's gonna fuck your day up. You were having a bad day, your girl left you for a midget and then the chicken nuggets if there was a deal. I was trying to get the chicken nuggets. When I was in the middle getting chicken,

that's when I got that phone car. Like, you're fucking it up. Chicken nuggets that made 99 cents since then. Oh my God. You are impossible to understand. This is not a word. thing about this, Tony. White people like, ever since then,

I'm like, hold on, young Spence, hold on. The worst part of this is white people are like, I told you that he likes chicken. You couldn't say salad or brisket or nothing. You had to say, the fried chicken nuggets with extra crispy with lemon pepper sauce on it.

God damn it. Oh, no, bro. God damn. Detroit Houston. Yes. That's basically filet mignon. All that we have to want. Young Spence.

So let me ask you, you got off a problem. probation what about six, seven years ago? Is that what you said? I'm still on it. Oh, why are you still on? You have an ankle monitor on? No, I don't.

It ain't nothing else more than. What are the terms of your probation? Basically, shit, man. I got something to deferred some shit like that, but I'm really not supposed to be, you're not supposed to lead to Connie, but... Oh. Guess who's going to jail tonight?

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, here the real jokes about that. I get out the Greyhound bus and like, I'm like, man, I ain't tripping, bro. I was going to kill Tony. Fuck it, you know what I'm saying? Fuck it, bro. Yeah, I don't get fucked.

I'm mad. Fuck it. But here's the thing about Tom. I'm sorry, Tony. But I've been off since 2017, and I got 10 years for what I did. So I'll be off in January, but I still owe them money

because I ain't paid them all right their money. How much money do you owe them? I don't know $5,000. $5,000. I just looked at this shit a few days ago. when I finally paid him again. I ain't paid him like a year and a half. I finally paid.

You have that on you, right? Sam. I should have borne it. I should have burned the receipt. You didn't have it all? You didn't have all the money? No, I don't. So you were short like the dude that took your girlfriend.

Oh my goodness. You know, blah. I got shot. Yeah, I got two. But yeah, I'm out of here. Young Spence, you owe $5,000. Let me ask you this question before I get you out of here. Yes, sir.

How much were you able to successfully steal in your robbery career. Oh, that's the worst joke. I said, so, I ride, all right, so I rob, let's see. Young Spence. Young Spence. Young Spence.

Like, take a, like, a, take, like, a breath. And, like, say it, like, word for word. Tommy, I've never heard anybody say, this joke is even worse. Yeah. So, but it's real life shit, though. So, do you need water or something? No, I'm good.

That's how you sound at, Your best? Yes. Not at my best, but yes, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I would be drunken, but I'm good. You had some drinks today? Yeah, but I actually did nights, bro. Are you allowed to drink on probation?

Uh, nah, she don't like to smoke weed, so it's all, but like I said, I had, like, too many different PO, so it was all good. But right now, I'm, I've been doing a lot better. P.O. is a probation officer for the wife. Yeah. I thought he was talking about the post office. God damn.

What's your zip code? Do you still have to pee? Yeah. Yeah. When I used to have to pee When I was in trouble. I don't smoke weeds. I don't do drug drugs.

I call the drug drugs people. Yeah, yeah, drug drugs. I know what that means. Cocaine. Yeah, bars, bro, all that shit. I don't do no drug drugs. So I'm good. Like, all my best friends,

they don't drink like I drink. So they all smoke. So it's like, I don't have to. Black people can smoke weed and talk about I don't do drug drugs. Yeah, bars. White people do that as well. White people do that as well.

Drug drug. I'm dead serious. I don't do drug drugs. So, like, my whole life and shit, crying and shit. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. So I'm good. That's why I've been to make it. You sound like your mouth's dry.

Let's get you a can of water real quick. Can we bring him a can of water real quick? There we are. Here we go. Just for him. That's for him. Are you about taking him? She's just giving you a water.

That's the lovely Heidi right there. Just, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. He's right to be like, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Oh, like a freak sitting here. I got somebody,

you don't want to have to worry about the greyhound. We got you, right? I'm like, oh, no, I'm not trying to do that. Not right now, no. That was so scary. I'm like, no, we got you. And like, no, get the fuck out. That weed was kicking in extra heavy there for a second, huh?

Heidi just came out and handed you water. We got it down, bro. But hey, let's be worth. respectful about that police officer, wood smash. That is a hot police officer. Right. Fuck that. Let me hit my thumb, right.

How about a hand for the great Austin police department, always keeping us safe. She had a fatty. Young Spence. She had a fatty, Tony. Okay, all right, Donnell. That's enough. You have the right to remember.

When will you people finally respect the police? My God. Jesus Christ. I can't read. If Donnell gets arrested after this, That's a perfect episode. You say I can't read? I can't read.

I've been waiting to walk off, motherfucker. When I say walk, y'all say off, walk. Off. Walk. All right. This place is crazy. No one's free to are all free.

What the hell was the law? Stop it! What? Stop with your Arnold Schwarzen nigger jokes. I'm waiting with you, Tony. I'm here. I'm here. I love it.

I love it when people call me Mr. Tony. It's my favorite thing. Okay, so Young Spence, I think my final question was what? Oh yeah, how much, did you earn more than the $5,000 that you owe? In all your robberies, did you get more than $5,000? You owe them $5,000. What do you think if you had to guess your total take and all of your robberies back in the day?

Because we know you would never do that again. What do you think you're... I won't, I ain't gonna' listen. All right, so basically, the whole robbery, what I got, like, It was a subway, family dollar. Family dollar. He was all happening in the Midwest. It's like, family dollar.

I think it's a, it's a genius. Wait, it's a Jenny's involved in there. Was this on Jefferson? No, but it's out here, I hear, oh, we're out in Houston, so. Okay. Then we shot the motherfucker. Okay, all right, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're like, threatened the boot with a knife.

So basically, then they went, uh, all that came out to, uh, it was like, To wait a horn and some shit like that. I was so mad. Time out. Young Spence, I have to cut you off. This interview is going on way too long, but I have to ask you, hold on, Young Spence, over here. What the fuck made you rob a family dollar?

Yes. It is both for family and everything is a fucking dollar. Tell me, before you go in for this great loot taking that you were expecting, what the fuck were you thinking? What's the fucking... What's that fucking place called? Dollar General. Yeah.

It ain't Dollar General. I just look. Well, you can't rob Dollar General because that's stolen valor. Yeah. What were you thinking robbing a family dollar where everything is a dollar?

Yes. Dollar General. Well, it was just the first pit stop. First pit stop? Yeah. What does that mean? You were on a run that day. Right.

Oh. I was out the first one. Let me ask you this. Did you change the sky? after each robbery or anything? What were you wearing? Black hoodie, black hat? No, I was being myself because I'm stupid, so...

You were what? Me and my hump. We was on some Bonnie and Clyde shit, so it was like... Some Bonnie and Clyde shit? Yeah, that shit, great. What were you... What does that mean? I asked what you were wearing.

Shit, not no mask. That's what I said. It's jokes for later on, but fuck it. My mom's 10 of 9. This is unbelievable. Like, yeah, this is my... The dude of my lawyer said, he was like when I was the doctor

and he's like, hey man, I'm going to talk to you for a minute and everything about your case and you went to four places and this and his net. I thought, all right, cool. But I'm going to see you next. If my lawyer said whatever he just said, I would shoot myself in the head. When you've been saying, since who said? I got blessed.

But I got blessed. I got blessed, though. I got blessed. So it's like I'll see you next month. And we're going to talk about the same thing. I said, all right. So then he's like, this is like you said next month. He was like, oh, you went in every. no mask him i said yeah he's like ah wow and the like he was like oh it was bar day like yeah he's like ah this feels like the first person that calls top dog law yeah and then he was like they got the gun too

i was like i like yeah he's like uh you had a gun true shit and then he's like well you're looking at 30 years buddy i'm like what the fuck and it's walked off like i'll see you next month but you look at 30 years i'm like what the fuck no you look at 30 years i'm like what the fuck no you're Fuck, no, you're not going to give me 30 years. Fuck that. I see, like, that's how I would. For, like, months. I'm sitting there, like, waiting a 30 years.

Hold on, young Spence, I got to stop you. I'm like, fuck that. Because you're skipping, like a CD right now. 30th. 30 years. I said 30th. Fuck that. 30th.

30th. Remember CDs used to skip. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, all on. Everyone. Hold on. Hold on. Young Spence, young Spence. I'm worth it, tone.

Okay. So, when's the last time you spoke to you? your lawyer. So I've been home for a minute, so I don't have to speak to him. I've been out, I've been free. You've been home in Houston. Yeah, I've been in Houston. You're supposed to be in Houston right now.

Yeah. And you're not supposed to drink. No, I'm good. I'm fine with drinking. I said, my p.o good with that. How much longer are you on probation for? To January. Until January.

I've been on since 27. I was really, well, I said, oh, wait, I was really exaggerating, but it's really 2017. Okay. Yeah, I've been on probation since 2017. A whole 10 years. Instead of 20 years in prison, and I got 10 years probation, I stayed out of trouble

and I've been really after doing try to do my comedy career. I'm gonna get sick. All right, I don't still, I don't touch no weapons. I don't like, the people I do be around, like, oh, y'all, drug, drugs, you get away from me. People else. Hey, if I'm going to store, you can't go into stock,

you're still still, so, you feel me? So I don't be around people like that. You still, still. Just to let you know, if any law officials are watching this, we are in Houston, Texas right now, In his backyard, we're shooting this in Young Spence. I know we decorated it like it's the mothership. We are in Young Spence's backyard.

You know, the secret group? I've been a sick group all the time. Boondock, I used to go improv. Okay, all right. Young Spence, I got to keep it moving because this is the longest interview, perhaps in the show's history. I'm glad it's the best one.

Here's a big joke book. Yep, Young Spence. There he is. Hell yeah. Thank you. Absolutely legendary performance by Youngs Ben. I mean, the set, okay, the interview, absolutely epic. That is what you want in an interview. Heidi, back out of the police uniform.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole. Getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. I'm one of the short midgets that fuck that guy's girlfriend. It's glad. I can't believe we made it to the same place. This is exciting. It's good to be here.

What's up? You guys, you guys racist? All right, nice. Good. A lot of nervous laughter. But no one said, no. That's exciting. That's cool. Here's what I think.

I think racism's never going to end in America, unfortunately. No matter how many times they spray paint end race. in the end zone of an NFL field. It's never going to end. That was their solution. They put end racism in the end zone. Like, that was going to change something. And nothing ever changed.

They didn't even say, please. That might help. It's the wrong demographic, too. They missed it. It's the wrong place. I think we have to put end racism in other places. Then we can make a difference, you know?

Let's put end racism on a pickleball court. And something will change, right? Let's put end racism on a NASCAR track. Those are people that need to hear it, okay? And you would have to put it on the track. You couldn't put it on the cars. The cars move too fast. Those people read too slow.

Okay. And... And... Thanks, guys. Absolutely. Hilarious. A miracle out of the bucket tonight. Great joke.

Ronaldo Mercado. Welcome back. It's been a while, Ronaldo. Yeah, good to be back. Thanks for having me, man. Amazing. stuff. Guys, a good 60 seconds. How about that? What a relief.

Amazing. Hell yeah. What a hero. I'm offended. You're offended? Yeah, because I love pickleball. You do? This is amazing. When you said I felt like it was an attack on me, man. But it was, like you said, like I know this platform is an opportunity

for people doing it for the first and second time, but it is kind of refreshing to see somebody just waiting for the opportunity to do it just polished and went straight to it. Exactly. Just on that. Amazing. And like, that's not an easy, like, that was one minute of jokes, but it was a bunch of jokes.

It was all one topic. You didn't kill anybody. Yeah, yeah, you weren't, you know. You didn't say, you didn't have a tire. Yeah. Thanks. Appreciate it. How long have you been doing stand-up and all, though?

Eight years. Yeah. Amazing. How's life going for you? Oh, it's great. Just got back from St. Louis. Did a show in the basement of Chuck Barry's restaurant. Oh, Blueberry Hill?

Blueberry Hill, yeah. In the basement. just trying to go on the road, do comedy. Things have been going good. Still with my girlfriend, where we pay rent. That's not going to last. Amazing. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You kind of look like me and Red Band had a child. Yeah. Interesting. I actually, I work at Red Band's Club, and people all the time, they go, you know he looks just like you, right? They do tell me that. That's amazing.

That's not a compliment. Sorry, sir. That's all right. Rinaldo, what is her girlfriend do? She works box office at the Comedy Mothership. Wow. Not a comic.

We've been together a long time, ten years together. Wow. Do you describe her pussy as the box office? Come on now. That's right. I got VIP tickets. Hell yeah.

Very important penis. To her. There's D. Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, the whole time the last guy was out here, Dee Madness was roasting his ass in the back the entire time. Incredible. Dee's brutal.

Incredible. But yeah, we've been together 10 years. It's been great. We lived here in Austin for two years now. I think we're going to make it. We're high school sweetheart. People say we're not going to make it. I think we're going to make it.

I think you guys are definitely going to make it. It's been 10 years. Dee, what were you saying about the last guy that was up here? We didn't get to hear any of it. You weren't supporting your fellow coucher? He was saying, nah, man, put my head. up there. I'm funnier than him.

Is that what you were saying, D? Is that true? D? Yeah, there you go. As a matter of fact, yeah. I don't know when I look at him, I just want to go Happy Birthday. They're friends. Him and Steve are friends.

Oh, shit. Or we're friends. They met at the eye doctor. How do you roast somebody when you blind? You like, just, yeah, he's got dirty underwear on. Yeah. Okay. Ronaldo, great stuff. Amazing.

And Ronaldo, if you're around Thursday, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Thanks, man. Here you go, Ronaldo Mercado, ladies and gentlemen. Let's talk to the small business owners out there listening right now. You know, running a business is tough. But you know what's actually painful?

Trying to get a loan from a traditional dinosaur bank. They treat you like you're asking for a personal favor. drown you in endless paperwork and make you wait weeks just to say no it's absolutely ridiculous i know know how the banks have worked forever it's terrible joe white come on up here and tell them what it used to be like red band has where cardiff comes in to save the day they are america's favorite small business lender because they actually understand entrepreneurs no red tape no corporate headache just simple fast access to the capital you need to grow upgrade equipment or hire more help that's right if you've been in business for at least one year and make at least $20,000 a month

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Without a doubt, that's cardiff.com. slash kill Tony today. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular on this show that has the unbelievable duty of having to write and perform a new minute every single week. This is a brand new minute from them.

You know them. Formerly the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Shout out Lauren Clancy. Postpartum is real. And I understand it not just because a bunch of my home girls had babies,

but men go through that too. I call it post-hard on depression. Some people call it post-nut clarity, but I call it post-hard on depression because at the end, all of my kids die on somebody's face or back. I don't fuck with AI. I was in the Denver airport and I was coming to get on my flight

and then I walked over and they had like a little aisle where you can like buy the snacks and shit and normally they have somebody there like to ring it up but you just put them on this like little table and automatically like gather how much you got and they give you a price

and I clicked to pay and then it had a screen that popped up and it said suggested tip. Nigger, I'm not tipping AI. That was the blackest I felt in a long time. My nigga, I'm not

and the first option was 25% my nigga, you didn't do anything at all. But I still felt America, so I wanted to give them a chance, right? Because maybe the person who stocked it was near. I said, hey, if you're the nigger that stopped this shit,

you got two seconds to come over here. Nobody came so I stole it. I just fucked that, man. But I don't fuck with AI. I was like, in Texas just passed a weed ban. And at first I was with it because

I thought they was just trying to go against like Delta A and like THCA, right? Because I don't believe in AI weed. You know what I'm saying? I don't believe in that shit. That shit is wrong. But then I found it was also THC in there. And the reason why I don't fuck with Delta A, because the nigg going to

try to sell it to you like it's supposed to be weed. He's like, yo, it's just one molecule off from being weed. And I want to let you know that one molecule is full of nanobytes, right? It's full of nanobytes because you ever met somebody who ate a weed edible, that niggily is still smart and giggling and having a good time. But anybody under Delta A edible is the stupidest nigger that you've ever met, right? Because the nanobytes get to your brain and them niggas up there deleting shit. You know what I'm saying?

They're deleting shit in shredding files, right? You ever be a high-A-8? You have you ate Delta 8, and you look at your phone and they give you an ad for the thing you was thinking about. It's because of the Wi-Fi hit it, right? You know what I'm just saying? If a nigga is high, he probably just eating,

but if he eats Delta 8, that nigga is drooling, and you walk up to him, you're like, how is your day going? He's like, ah, there was a fire earlier. That's my time I love, y'all. Thank you, y'all. I don't know the difference between the Delta 8 and the other edibles. I don't know if I, I don't ever do edibles, so I don't recognize any difference. Well, they make regular weed too, Tony, but you're too rich to understand.

It's poor people's probably. They don't want to affect the rich, and they want to affect the poor because it's more of us. Oh, my goodness. More of us. Your chain is worth like $6,000. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your chain could get Young Spence off of probation.

Stop. Yeah. Stop. This chain was on Amazon I make it look good because I'm cute nigga calm down calm down alright either wise I'd be selling tickets like you

Sam Talent shut the fuck up your last name is talent bitch I'm done with you somehow I'm a fan Fisbach niggas no I am a fan of yours

I saw I think I don't know when the first time I saw you but it's so hard to hear people that got original voices that are different And then, like, me knowing your back story, like, when you went to jail, I had a free Desric shirt. You need. But it's so refreshing to see you, come here, see your growth and what you're doing. And I don't really comment on people's pages too much, but I was like this, authentic,

original, and just refreshing. And then as I'm following your career, even when you're in the green room, I got excited for a second, but I had to calm down because I'm on papers, right? I was like this, huh, that's a guy, oh! And I paused, whatever. I'm a fan. Then why you ain't tack my plug, Conce when he came up here.

You know, that's how I got arrested. Conce got me arrested. He said, yo, bring me Somali to sell when you get to Japan. So now I ain't understand shit, you just... Yeah. I don't know who's going to translate that. I want to love you.

You say, hey, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, we already did this before. We can't just keep bonding. These white people don't understand what we're talking about. What I'm going to say, hey, nigger, I love you. I watch you on these black things.

What's your government? government god damn what you were fed you didn't know do the thing you did before how did you do that show me how to do that how'd you do that hold on first of all

first of all I don't get what if they don't understand what did you mean what's my government Tony said it I sound like a federal fucking thing where I'm from

nigga what what's my government what name yeah that's what hell no he missed Patrick hell no dark storm

that's it I don't want to These niggas knowing nothing about me? I don't give a fuck. I love it. Now I get it. It's the government name, but you ask, what's your government, and they give you your name? I think it's better coming from me. I think so, too. I learned that

the hard way. When you said, if I used to say, you have a right to remain silent. Yeah, yeah. What's your government? Get on the fucking ground. What's your government? I plead the fifth. I know my rights. I don't answer

government questions from a bald, nigga. He ain't got to lose. Dedrick always slightly mean to the panel for no reason whatsoever. Everybody's so nice. Which one of us were you talking about? Both y'all niggins.

The nigga that's still yet holding on the nigga that gave up, man. What's up, white dad? I love you, bro. Your hair look good sometimes. I love you, white dad. I just love it. I love the new set, Dedrick. I love the support from Donnell,

the culture, the culture. and I love that he supported you when you were in jail and I hope that you return the favor and support him when he goes to jail very soon perhaps arrested after the show Western government, Ashley Larry does Martin Lawrence

Dedrick we love you was racist! What? The great Dedrick Flynn ladies and gentlemen on to the next one we go back to the bucket Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Make some noise for your next 60 seconds. Uninterrupted.

Going to Zach Myers, everybody. Zach Myers. What's going on? A good thing pedophiles could say to get into the LGBTQ is something like, hey, we got pride too. Just ask a little Timmy.

We pride his butt cheeks open last week. It's true. I recently thought of this candy nobody's made before? Oh my God. It's a candy that would start off lemony and tart, and then it would turn sweet,

and then it would turn tart again. And you'd call it the retart. Another thing I think is funny is when fat chicks get their hair done. Keep going. Thank you. He'll be like, hey, does this look good? And it's like, well, no,

there's still 300 pounds under it. Thank you. Zach Myers has a ride to the Kill Tony universe. Where did you come from? Wichita. Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About three years. Wow. All of it in Wichita? Most of it in San Antonio. Is that where you live now? I live here now. When did you move to Austin? San Antonio to Wichita to Austin.

What, are you following the money? I wish. Well, yeah, actually, yeah. How long have you been in Austin? Three weeks. Wow. And you moved here, obviously, for the ridiculously booming comedy scene. I mean, it is booming.

Do you do anything else for a living? Aerospace Engineer. Wow. You're a current aerospace engineer? Well, actually, one of my coworkers sent my set in to my boss. So... Oh, my goodness. I'm going to get back in the game.

I think you're going to be okay. Donnell. I just got one question for you. What's your government? Zachary Myers. Yeah, exactly. White people just repeat their actual name. Yeah.

When I say walk, y'all say off, walk. It's going to happen. Wow, Zach, tell us more about your life. These are so hilarious. Thank you, man. My girlfriend is in Michigan. I am looking for a job. I'm going to say looking for a new girlfriend

Yeah looking for a job and a second girlfriend Yeah Why is she in Michigan? That is where I live before I moved to San Antonio And you left her in Michigan? Yeah and she is hot so I don't know what I'm doing Right Michigan's going to be with that black basketball team in two weeks

Okay that is fucked up then Yeah young spent That is big as fear sir Don't save my government, motherfucker. Bad news. Young Spence is on his way back to Michigan right now. The good news is he's just going to rob a dollar general. So what is your girlfriend do in Michigan?

Is she a family there? Family and a job, yes. What's the job? Like manager for marketing. You don't really listen to her. You don't care at all. No more than anyone else. Only fans.

That is fucked up, Darnel. Darnel. Darnel, get it together. Yeah, he put the white in that shit. Darnel! He knows your government name. He put an R in your name and at the end of the word. He's no good.

That is fucked up, Sam. He speaks to Schwarzenegger. Zach, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. What else? Man, it's mostly this and the gym. there was more fun. Is the gym your boyfriend's name? That is fucked up against him.

Zach, that's... Dee Madness loved it. Yeah, he did. Zach. So what's your living situation now? You don't have an aerospace engineering job. You gambled on yourself. Moved to Austin, Texas three weeks ago.

Did you get your own little apartment? What's the deal? You couch surfing? What's going on? I'm rooming with my buddy split in a place. You're splitting a place with your buddy. Did he move down here with you? No, he was already here. Okay. Yep.

And what's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator right now waiting for you at home? Six full-size cucumbers. Whoa. I'm glad I asked. Pulse. Yes. Once I come over, they'll only be five. And I'm allergic to eating cucumber.

They're going in his butt. Okay. Thank you. Now I'm peace. Yeah. Zach, I have a big follow-up question here. Why do you have six cucumbers? I like eating them whole.

Oh, my God. You just eat them skin and all? Well, yeah, but not how you eat them. You don't eat them all in one bite? No. Well, look at yourself in the mirror. Backwards? It's a series of mirrors.

Countdown for the walkoff. Amazing. So how many cucumbers do you go through a day? Just one. Stocked up for the week. You're dipping them or just raw dogs? Hummus, man. Oh, yeah.

Wow. Yeah, bro. You are Michigan. Yes. A lot of Arabs out there. Are they the Persian cucumbers? I have not seen a Persian cucumber. They call them Israeli cucumbers now.

They are the big cucumbers. Holy shit Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God I know this is crazy What ethnicity are you I'm Arab

Yeah yeah I swear when you came out here I was hope you didn't count backwards There is There is a In 9 to 8, 7 6 3 to 1 Darnel you forgot 5 and 4

You fuck up, darnow. I can't read! Enough is a fucking enough. Sorry, sir. We bonded back to Satan. I know. Remember this? I know.

Remember that? Yes. Let's get back to it. No, no. Okay. Are you Caldean? No, Syrian. Oh.

Yeah. Not for long. Taredo Sererian. Are you? Your parents still in Syria or what's going on there? No, my mom's mom immigrated here. Dearborn, Michigan. You are right.

Wow. Look at that. Wallahhabibi, baby. My wife's from there. Yeah, you know about it. Yeah, you know about it, man. Hell yeah, man. Customer service is a bit touchy during Ramadan, by then.

Otherwise, it's lovely. Yeah, we get crabby. They're so cranky. Give them a fig. Have a fig. They do like figs. Yeah, you got. You guys are fig-picks.

Y'all's thinking a different language and I don't know what the fuck is going on right now. Oh, it's Eric. How do you think we felt when you and Young Spence were talking? Newton, please. Oh, Zach, give us another fun fact about your life. I don't eat pussy. Whoa, tell us more.

Yeah, you said you're Syrian. I didn't say that. What? Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know if you know the Killed Tony fan base,

but there's two things that they love that is eating pussy and H-E-B. Am I right, paper? That's right. You look at the lights. Activate for that and everything. I mean, I know this is a crazy question,

especially from a black guy. Is it like a fastest, you can't eat pussy like day dawing up or... It's not halal? Yeah. It is not halal. It wasn't blessed.

They didn't bleed it clean. That is fucked up, sir. So what is your reasoning? Yeah, tell us more. You just got to earn it. I mean, as soon as I get married. Oh, look at all the ladies. Hold on.

Hold on a second here. Hold on. Give me one second here. Thank you. So you put your penis inside of your girlfriend. Correct? Yeah, that's what I do. But you're saving, eating out for marriage?

Well, if she earns that, we'll take in that. Hold on. How did she earn it? Not cheating on you in Michigan? That is true. Very simple. Absolutely incredible. Does she perform oral sex on you sometimes?

Does she... Yes, that is a thing she does. Wow. Oh, the ladies in the room are going nuts. This is the worst poker hand. Ever. My goodness. So when's the last time you ate a pussy, Zach Myers?

I was probably about 15. Okay, so take us through that process of realizing that eating pussy is not for you. That's weird. What did you notice? I didn't eat a pussy until I was like 28 years old. Well, that's fucked up. You're late. Damn, so you don't eat pork or pussy?

Your life is fuck. No, I'll eat pork. Wow, you'll eat pork, but not pussy. Yo, what the fuck is going on right now? Okay. Was the pussy that you ate when you were 15 a little off or something like that? It was fine.

I was just doing it. I was like, you know, this is kind of gay. It's the opposite of gay. Take it from me. Take it from me. It is the opposite of gay. Okay, yeah, I'll take it for you. Have you tried dipping a cucumber in it or something?

It ended up as a pickle. I've never heard anybody say, eating pussy was gay, but I heard some of the dick is gay. You're confusing as shit. I don't do either. Have you tried eating out a dick yet? Like, you might have liked it? Red band.

Soundboards right there, my friend. So, can you tell us what it was about the process of eating pussy in which it made you feel gay? Can you just describe, just take us through your own feelings here? Yeah, I was down there. Doing the deed, I was like, you know, I am getting everything out of this already. What do you mean you're getting everything out of this song? Wrong deed. That is not the asshole. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What do you mean? What do you mean? We got to know. We got to know. What do I know by what? You're down there. You're 15. You're going down on a girl. What was it about it that made it feel gay to you? Well, it was just like I had just watched the Sopranos. You've seen the Sopranos. I fucking love the Sopranos. When I was 15, I was watching the Sopranos and eating pussy. Doing both.

Sometimes at the same time. Okay. Yeah. Kind of gay. Again, definitely not gay. That's crazy that you think it's gay. I do a lot of gay shit. I like candles right before bed.

Yeah. I don't. I know. That's what they tell me. That's what they tell me. His microphone's bold. Because it makes me feel good. They smell good.

It feels good. You wake up. You're like, I'm still. They didn't burn the place now. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yep.

So, again, I still haven't gotten an answer. What about it? Made you feel gay. I was just thinking, you know, I could be doing anything else, you know. I could be getting at here. What are you doing? Hold on. Hold on.

Guys, hold on. Wow. Your first encounter with pussy is not the most place. Does it thing. Totally. Go ahead. You got to fight. Describe what you mean, Donnell.

Okay. You're saying the younger, the better. No, I remember when I was... When I was younger, this girl was like this, you want to see my pussy? You want to touch my pussy? Yeah, right. And I thought she was talking about a cat.

This is a real story, right? You thought she was talking about a what? A cat, a pussy. Oh, my God. And she put my hand on her thing, and I was like this. Ah! I ran, but I had to fight back.

Right. That is gay. That is gay. That is kind of gay. To be fair, her pussy had teeth. Believe it or not, I've never touched a pussy and screamed at the same time. It wasn't pleasant, but I had to do it for my culture. Right.

So this girlfriend, how long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? Three years. Three years. And you've never once gone down there and given it a little smooch. Hasn't earned it. What do you mean earned it? This is, you're finding an idea. with double thumbs down over there.

Okay. I like that. You got to earn you want me to eat your pussy. You got to earn it. Thank you. What do you like tears? To this shit. Level one, level two.

Final, final question, Zach. You got it, man. Take us through the process of earning your pussy eating. What exactly does a woman have to do? Well, just be there. Well, that's not working. Listen to that. Listen a bit.

The Syrian is coming through everybody. I don't know if you've ever met him. I told the bitch to shut the fuck up. I'll eat your pussy. Yep. Pretty much. This is absolutely. Well, so let's say she does earn it.

Yeah. How will you bless her when that day come? He would let her do it again. Yeah, that's it. That's right, right? What? Let her do what again? No, you'll do it again.

That's how you earn the trust? Hold on. What? I don't know what you're talking about. This is my second drink. Hold on. Sam, ask that question again. Donnell.

Are you going to like lay down like in a rose bed? I mean, how does this, what's, how are you going to make it worth or while for waiting out your tongue? Well. By the way, are you going to fucking shave before you go down there? Yeah. Probably not. Oh. How do you, how do you think you will know how to do it effectively if you've only done it once?

You got to quit practicing on cucumber. Yeah, well, that's step one. I'm going to quit practicing on cucumbers. Let me ask you this. You watch porn every once in a great while, right? Yeah, once in a great while. And you skip past all pussy eating things, right? Immediately.

Exactly. Do you skip past blowjobs? No, I check how it's going. And you'll watch insertion. You'll watch insertion, right? That is not gay. Okay. Over here.

Okay, yeah. You'll watch blow jobs, And you'll watch actual sex, right? No, now I don't watch blowjobs. You don't watch blowjobs. No, I do watch Blow Jobs. No, I do. You just changed it right then.

You realized that there was a dick involved in both of the things that you watched. I have not thought that. You were about to go, I only watch things with a dick in it. Not gay. That's what you were about to do. Kind of, yeah. Zach, I'm going to tell you this. I can't believe it.

If I find out you eat pussy, I'll have you back on immediately. As soon as you eat pussy, you let the producers here know and you're doing another minute on Kill Tony. It is a... It is a... It is as close as it gets. Your set was unbelievable.

I'm giving you a big joke book and I'm also sending you up to the little boy right now to get seen by Atamiga because your set was so funny. Thank you guys. Thank you. So send him up to Atamigat. You're a fantastic comedian.

Do not let Adamiegut. find out that you don't eat pussy, for the love of God. Thanks, guys, thank you. You're close to having a career. Don't ever tell anybody you don't eat pussy again. I was going to have him on the secret show and everything, but now I'm like, fuck that. You got to eat pussy. That's crazy.

You have to eat pussy. Unless you're gay. If you're gay, that's cool. We have gay, we've had gay golden ticket winners before. He was so confident about you got to. earn that. I respected that. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Why do just eat pussy off the rip?

How you doing? My name is... Ah! I eat strangers' pussy at a massage parlor. You know, like, I don't give a fuck. There goes Red Dan, everybody. A lot of people walk off after a big laugh. He goes, I'll eat a stranger's pussy out of massage parlor.

That is my time. All right. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Lucas Duanez. everybody 60 seconds I'm interrupted for Lucas Duanez I appreciate that I'm really excited to be here but I gotta admit I'm really nervous a lot of people have suggested that I drink but if you couldn't tell I have a problem with my nunciation and when I drink I tend to slur blacks Asians Jews so I'm

really into 69ing yeah there's nothing better than a bitch driving dropping her fat dump her on your face while you're reading her the Quran. But, you know, like everyone, I get, you know, it gets hot, you know, so what I like to, what I started doing, I guess, is I started blowing air into their asses. So when it comes back out, you know, I get a nice breeze. I think that's my time, right? Appreciate it. Lucas Duanez.

All right, Lucas. Good work. Thank you. Yeah. I appreciate that. My favorite part of this set was when you said you love 69ing, nothing better than a a dumper on your face. you said for some reason reading the Quran.

Why? Why would you be reading that? The tongue movements. I don't know what the fuck they do. Like, you know, like, you know what I mean? You say? Like the whatever, like, you know, the, whatever they are, Muslims and shit. Turns out Middle Eastern guys hate eating.

Yeah, yeah. I noticed it. I'd already plan that prior to this fucking... Amazing. Lucas, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in January. Wow, January. Congratulations.

Pretty solid. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I live south of San Antonio. That's where I've been performing in San Antonio. South of San Antonio, so Mexico? That's awesome. Lucas, what do you do for work? What type of landscaping do for work? Home Depot, definitely. What do you do, Lucas? Right now, I am unemployed. I do DoorDash in favor.

Okay. You have any assault and batter? Is there anything on door-doubt? Not yet. Not yet. How old are you? I just turned 34. 34. You have a girlfriend?

No, I do not. How long you've been single for? About two years, no. Okay. Two years. Do you go on dates? Every now and then, yeah. Last date you went on.

How'd that go for you? I mean, I ended up reading the Quran. Really? How did that happen? Take us through the process of this happening. What was this on 9-11? Let's see. It was a couple weeks ago.

We actually came down to the riverwalk. Oh, I don't know why I thought it was in San Antonio. Jesus. We went to the riverwalk and just went back to my place. You didn't really read the Quran. I did. How did you end up reading the Quran? Well, I meant like she sat on my face and I read the Quran.

Got it, got it. I was just making sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was a first time date? Yeah, yeah. And you ended up 16. Or easy. First date, 69.

Yeah, she was also Latino, correct? No, no. It was a white girl? Yes, sir. Wow, look at you. Absolutely nailing it. 69ing with a white girl in San Antonio. I don't trust that a white bitch that read the Quran is dangerous.

She's been radicalized. So where'd you take this girl? Teach these people. There's so many people that struggle with dating and with finding true love. Tell them your secret to going on our first date and having a white girl set on your face afterwards. What did you do that night? Like I said, we just went to the Rewalk.

We'd already kind of been talking like several weeks prior. On like a dating app or something? Yeah. Wow. And what did you tell her about yourself? That I do comedy, I guess. You didn't tell her DoorDash or anything like that? Well, at the time I had a job.

I had a job when we met. And then a couple weeks later, I walked up. What was the job? I worked at Waterburger. You worked at Waterbury. Yes, I did. Fuck yeah, you know what? I'm about to sit on your face, dude.

I fucking love Waterburger. White women will rescue anything. They rescued you. That's funny. That's awesome. That's fucking funny. How did you, you walked off at Waterburger? I did.

Was it during a shift? It was. Oh, tell us about this. Please, for the love of God. It's really not interesting. I wish it was. It is interesting. You just don't think it's interesting, but trust me, it's very interesting to us.

Um, I don't know. The manager got mad because I said that, um, like, Like one of the, like, he has a, I guess there's a rule now where, like, not supposed to call out, like, numbers, like, for, like, the order. And I'm like, why do we give them the number then, you know? Uh-huh. But they don't want, they don't want us to call, like, the names or the numbers. How would, how did they communicate when the order's done? That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. They go to the. Oh, I'm going to my chief fast food correspondent Brian Red Band here. Waterburger gives you a big number thing. They just go out and give it to you by, like, looking at the number. They don't want to yell it out. So. Ah.

And so I got in trouble. for yelling it out. That makes sense. You didn't want to walk it out to them. You wanted them to come up to you. Well, to the counter, at least. I mean... Well, I mean...

Right. Because, like, there's times, you know, you take it out to them, and then they're like, oh, I want, you know, catch up or whatever, and it's like, now I've got to walk all the way back. You didn't want to do the job

that entails your job at a waterburger. Sam Talent. Essentially, yeah. Oh. No, no, no. I was just... Oh, okay.

I think he was right, though. This story's not interesting. I'm sorry, yeah. I love it. There's a little bit of Whataburger culture there. It's very interesting. In-and-out calls the numbers, correct, Red Band? It's annoying as fuck, too.

That's the one I need to go to. I was like him. They get cocky late at night. It's like, motherfucker, I'm looking at you. You got to hit the computer. Like, why can't you communicate with the motherfucker? I want to be like this. Put extra mayonnaise and ketchup on my shit.

And then you make us go and hit the fucking thing. Why do you do that? No one knows what you're talking about, Donnell. Let's check in with Red Band, our senior fast food, Which fast food place has the best delivery system, Red Band? I mean, what you're talking about is more of a McDonald's things, where you have a computer or... Thank you. Yeah.

Waterberger doesn't do that. Old McRib over here. You understood what I was saying, Red Band. I was just... I think Chick-fil-A has an excellent system. They make me feel welcome. My plan... Not on a Sunday.

Lucas, what's the most interesting thing about your life? What's a fun fact? Do you have any special skills or talents? Any near-death experiences? Anything crazy? Shit, talent, no. I hydropane one time in my car. You are indeed 100% Mexican.

Congratulations. What do you do for fun, Lucas? Aside from this, I hate to use the joke, but read the Quran. Wait, why are you reading the Quran? I mean, is this just your way of saying having white girls sit on your? face?

Yes. Okay. 100%. It's an interesting way. Back to the well. It's not dry yet. Thank you.

Okay, Lucas. Very good set, especially for starting in January. Here's a big joke book, my friend. There you go. Thank you. I really appreciate it. We're going to keep it moving along. No, my interviews are running too long.

We have to fly through some more bucket. No, I think the stories are terrible. That's all. It's not on you, man. It happens. It happens. It doesn't happen, Tony. A white woman reading a Quran

and sitting on faces, that's not a real story. He was using the word Quran as an indicator that white girls. You don't have to do your hand like arrogant white man when you say that. He was explaining something that's non-governmental, Donnell. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Men, we do not make women come. It's a scientific fact that 90% of women do not come from penetration.

Trust me, I do my research. I read Cosmopolitan. I'm gonna tell you what you do, though. If you hear with a woman tonight, go to her side of the bed, she'd keep it junk over there for a reason. She don't want anybody messing with her stuff. Reach up under the bed, there's gonna be a box up under there. Pull that box out.

When you open up that box, it's gonna light up like the holy grill. You'll be like, what the fuck is this? Inside that box is gonna be a rose that didn't come from the garden. A wand, no wizard. Bullets that don't go in guns. That's what's making her come I've been my wife 15 years married to a 10

plenty of time we've had sex I fell asleep feeling real good about myself like yeah I did that I walk up I heard I just hold a handful more support like do your thing girl do your thing thank you

wow Alvin Perry amazing easy breezy you make it look so easy We've had some rough bucket pools today. Thank you. You have a great timing, great delivery system, great fucking everything.

Annunciation, fucking, I mean, absolutely fucking everything. No, I'm serious. I've been hanging out with Donnell and Young Spence all night. That's my uncle right there. We look just so like. I didn't want to say it.

To me, you do. What I realized by this whole show, nobody's eating pussy. I am. Okay, that makes sense. You say eating pussy? Oh, yeah. Everybody's eating pussy.

I'm definitely a pussy eater. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The whole band eats pussy. Look at Carlos Sosa over there. I mean, Jesus Christ. You eat a pussy. You eat a pussy.

Everybody eats a pussy. Everybody eats a pussy. Dude, can you imagine having your pussy eaten by a saxophone player? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. What's my guy's name right here? D. Madness.

Hell of pussy. Imagine thinking you eat some pussy. actually looking at him or it. Oh, my God. No way, Jose. No way. He would never in a million years. Deep Madness loves eating pussy.

Am I right, Dee? Yes, absolutely. You could tell because he looks the other direction when he said yes. Okay, Red Band. Alvin, I love your style, man. How long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about 14 years,

but I've been a comedian for about four years. I love it. So explain to me. how you've been doing stand-up for 14, but a comedian for four. Confusing it. Yeah. Someone ate a Delta 8 edible before he said. Because prior to four years ago, I was just getting up saying anything.

I didn't really have no structure to what I was doing. Wow, I love that. Look at that. That's the first time anybody's ever answered super honestly on the show. That is incredible. Thank you. Very smart. I grew up in church.

A.K.A. he was on papers. He was up there. Yeah, yeah. So Alvin Perry, what do you do for work? Well, two years ago, I quit my job to pursue comedy full-time, which was foolish. So I started a handyman business, so I haul junk and I fix stuff. Okay. Professional robber.

Okay. Is that your work gear you're wearing right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came from work. Yeah, yeah. When I saw that shirt, I was like, that's construction. construction color. I thought young Spence got away from the cop.

Yeah. Yeah. Not in that shirt. You can't. They'll see. Well, it's like a jumpsuit for jail. So Alvin, this is your own business that you started two years ago? Well, I mean, it's not, you know, I ain't paying no taxes, so, yes.

Shut the fuck up. They're not supposed to know that, bro. Alvin, are you based out of Boston? No, San Antonio. Okay. for San Antonio? Ain't anybody for San Antonio here? My people.

Three black people. It's only an hour away. Is that where you're born and raised, San Antonio? Yes, sir. I love it. I love it, Alvin. What job did you quit two years ago to start this own business?

I was working at a church. What were you doing at the church? I was a maintenance man. I was the maintenance supervisor. And a sinner, too. You did what? A sinner. A sinner.

A senator? I used to jack off in the bathroom. He was like, just look at God. Won't he do it? Yes, he will. My God is a good guard. Jacking off in the bathroom. Jacking off will kill Tony.

I'm never going to eat pussy. Won't he do it? Yes, he will. Amazing. At least it was the bathroom. Yeah. If God was watching, he'd see some stuff he shouldn't have seen. I mean, what else could

Did he see? You put a finger up your butt or something? You get into your girl's box, bring a little something to the church with you? No, I just watch porn and just jack off. That's all right. What kind of porn do you like to watch, Alvin? What do you put in that search bar

when you're looking for something good? That's my way of avoiding the question. I'm going to ask it again. Red band here is implying that you might like bigger women. Or bestiality. No, I like all type of porn. But I just, I mostly only watch, like, black men having sex with anybody that's not. Okay.

Anybody's what? This way you can put yourself in the position of the black man. When you say anybody. Any woman. Yeah, right. I know any woman. But, like, you must have some type of preference. But, no, I'm particularly, like, lesbian point also.

That's, like, my main. thing. Okay. I mean, can you imagine what fucking Zach Myers would do with lesbian porn? Let's just think about that for a second. Just two women eating each other's pussies. I mean, that must be hell for that guy. Can you imagine?

He's like, this is so gay. This is the gayest thing I've ever seen. Now, lesbian porn is dope, though. No, no, we agree with you, my dear friend. You should have seen this other guy, though. He would have hated it. Yeah. He would have to watch it like

the end of clockwork orange with his fucking yeah and then they have like a seismograph hooked up to his dick to see if it gets hard at all he was the only other comedian that did good out of the really good out of the bucket tonight and his I appreciate that I appreciate you and the other guy

I'm saying he had a great interview and then we found out he absolutely refuses to eat pussy what are your thoughts about this that is crazy that's what I was saying you know you want to know what he said Alvin you want to know what he said he said that eating pussy Get ready for this.

Is gay. Homosexual. Yeah. He must don't know that that's like reverse psychology or something. That's right. I've been eating pussy and ass for a long time. I love that. Alvin.

And ass. That's the next level. Pussy and ass. Tell us more about your pussy and ass eating. Even if you taste some pussy and it tastes like a non-vote battery, you still keep going. No, no. Yo, Tony, can I say something? Let me say something.

He's the pussy. When's you start doing this shit with pussy? He's like, when you eating pussy and ass, boy, ah. He came Italian for a minute. The first time I ate some ass, like, I had been hearing about it, and I was like, fuck it, let me try it. Yeah. So I called my girlfriend, she was like, I got out the shower,

and I was like, perfect, because you don't want to eat an ass the first time. But it's nasty. Correct. Yeah. So once I tasted that ass, it was cool. I was like, yeah. I like this. It's like blue cheese.

I like this. This is the shittiest story I heard this whole show. This is incredible. It doesn't taste like a battery because your teeth tastes that way. You know what I'm saying. And D. Madness, you can look at hemorrhoid like a clip. It's the same thing. I don't know why you keep taking shots at D madness over here.

You're doing so. D's show and you love. I love it. Alvin Perry, so you eat pussy, you eat ass. I mean, all the boxes. are checked here. You're absolutely amazing. This is a new level of black man. I've never heard a black man go

public and say they eat pussy and ass. It's incredible. First you guys first you guys had a president of the United States now you're eating pussy and ass. Who knows what's next? It looks like things are looking up for the black man. That's right.

I'm not having you on the Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look at that. Absolutely. Alvin, you're an instant legend on this show. You keep signing up, come back for more, all right? I appreciate time. There goes the great Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. There you go.

All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going to Joel Cash, everybody. Joel Cash. If you like penis collages. That's it. It's just a song my sister sings. So my name's Joel Cash.

I'm from Indiana. it's better to be from it than in it. I grew up with a dad who says stuff that I can't tell if it's really idioms or if it's just shit my dad says. Like if he's hungry, he'll say, I'm so hungry I could fall through my butt hole and eat myself.

And if you tell him you're hungry, he'll say, find a corner and bite the wall. People used to come to my mom for advice because their lives were falling apart. I say used to because my mom is not alive anymore. That, well, you know, I don't know if you know that's how this works.

you don't stay alive forever but I'm getting awe about that but no but she used to get a lot of people coming to her when their lives are falling apart and you know you can't call my mom to talk about my mom dying but I can talk to my dad about his 102 year old mother

that still lives with him Joel Cash using all of his time I heard an actual empty can drop during your set that's how you know things aren't going so good I like when you're having a tough set and then you do the classic showbiz bailout of reminding everyone they're going to die. That's classic vaudeville.

I didn't expect an awe about that. It happens, Joel. It happens. Welcome to kill Tony. This is your first time on, correct? How long you've been on stand-up? Four weeks. Four weeks.

What made you want to... How old are you? 44. What made you want to start? Four weeks ago. I'm in a place where I can do that. Okay. Austin, Texas.

Yeah, we just moved here. Who's we? My family. My wife. and three kids. Oh, nice. Congratulations. What do you do for work?

I'm a dog trainer. Wow, a dog trainer. Really? Are you good at it? I'm better at it than I am at this. Well, you can still really suck at it. Hey. I really good.

I'm not wrong. As a dog trainer, have you ever said, don't worry, I'm going to put this bitch in its place. No, you're not supposed to say bitches anymore about dogs, I guess. God, the woke left. I know. It's really something else. Joel.

You're able to make a full-time living training dogs? Yeah. And where were you before Austin, Texas? We were in Indiana. What part of Indiana? The part you don't want to be in, so. Indiana? Gary?

Indiana. No. No, that's the part nobody wants to be in. Yeah. No, I'm from West Lafayette. Do they eat pussy in West Lafayette? They do. How long have you been with your wife?

A long, long time. 26 years? 26 years. Holy fucking shit. Wow. 44. Is that the only woman you've ever been with? Okay, all right.

Dog training is wild out there. But here's my point that I'm getting at. This is a pussy-eating heavy episode. I heard that, yeah. They warned you? I think, well, I mean, I live in Austin. I've been going to the mics, and that's all a lot of these dudes talk about

is how they're scared of eating pussy, which is just a... That's a thing that's happening? It's totally a thing. You hear a lot of these dudes say that, and it's kind of funny because it's a... That's just a way of telling everybody that you're gay. Yeah, absolutely.

You know what? Joel Maybe I need to earn it. What? Oh, earn it. You can't just go out eating pussy. Earn it. Work for this.

26 years you're with the same woman. Obviously, you're a pussy eater. Give us some more advice on how to keep things fresh in the bedroom for 26 years with the same human being. How do you do it? You listen. Whoa. You fucking listen. And you ask questions.

Wait, what did you say? You fucking listen And you ask questions Man, that's the gayest shit I've ever heard in my life Listen to a woman Yeah All right Wow

Old Donnell Nocom Rollins over here I got yelled at I got yelled at recently for calling a woman A woman What happened there exactly? I went to an open mic Where I wasn't just like

12 dudes named Bracin And I was like You know what? Thank you for doing this I'm really excited about it It's nice to get my material up in front of a room full of women. And she just goes, don't call us women.

I didn't know that was a thing you couldn't say. Wow. I called my sister, and I asked her about it, and she said, I don't know about that, but I mean, female is one that bothers me because it makes you feel like you're less than male. And I'm like... But you like that because you're a dog guy. Yeah, I just don't think it makes sense that female is less than

because, if anything, you're adding iron, which is a coagulant. Coagulant sound like some sticky cum. I just got some... Coagulant. Coagulant, wasn't that one of the emper's roaming or something? some shit. I knew Donnell was going to have some. Coagulant.

Wasn't that the emperor that lit the city on fire or some shit? That's the guy. I got something like collaguline. Caligula. Colligua. Colligua lady. That's right. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know what it's like to get my period, but I mean, I know my period.

Just say what the fuck you want to say. I did. All right. I know my periodic table. That's all I'm saying. Joel. What's going on right now? I say weird shit, man.

Speaking of periods, you're getting a little. little red joke book, my friend. If this is something you want to do, keep practicing, sign up again sometime. I will. The bucket works in mysterious ways. There's your first kill-tony appearance by Joel Cash. Four weeks into his career. I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I had this one. Sat aside for me. This name, sat aside for me the entire episode because I'm so excited to bring up this comedian. and make some noises for the long-awaited return of Juanita. Yo, you set me up, you set me out.

Ladies and gentlemen. Hey, booze. Wait for the interview. 60 seconds uninterrupted. One more time for Juanita, everybody. I am a transgender woman. I am brave. Buying $13 dresses at Ross is brave.

How many of you in here have a vagina makes no one? Lucky. I want one so bad. I want a pussy so bad. There's women getting like a surgery called vaguoplasty. They're trimming their lips off. And I'm over here like, you're gonna finish that? I'm trying to get a little to-go box.

Donnell, box is a euphemism for vagina. Juanita, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that might not know, not know. For those of you go from eating pussy to Juanita. Here Donnell, I don't want to cock block you. You want my chair?

No, I'm good. I was this. I knew you was doing something because you was like this. Let's stop talking about eating pussy. Let's get to the dick. For those of you that don't know, the last time

Juanita and Donnell were on stage, Juanita talked about how nobody wants to fuck me basically kind of set up you know we what was it we will hold on no it was it was something kind of like that right Juanita I thought I was talking about how I dropped out of high school and I joined a touring Catholic ministry

right but then the joke was we will what was it you say it oh I said we you don't have to sing it don't sing it because YouTube sets it off we will we will praise you and then like he said we will we will fuck you from Black Eyes. That's not what I said. Yes, it is. That's not what the fuck I said.

No, hold on, Donnell. Shut the fuck up. Donnell. Donnell. Where are the receipts? I got her. The setup was basically no one wants to fuck up me,

blah, blah, blah. Then she did the song. And then you said, on behalf of black men, we will, we will fuck you. Because I... And then I go,

Donnell, she has a penis. And Donnell was in shop because Donnell realized that four million people were about to see him say that he will fuck Juanita, who he thought was a woman because she didn't mention anything about being trans at all. Donnell got tricked like a motherfucker. I was using my peripheral vision. I said, I live in the Midwest and I know some bitches from Dollar General that look like Juanita.

That's what I said. And then I was like this. And then I was like, oh, I didn't talk to you. You was so happy, son. And I was like, I was like, because I'm going to tell you, I did say that. Oh, the whole room was. On behalf of the Black people, I was like, we will. And I was like this.

I had white veins coming out and saying. Oh, he was ready. I was like, we will fuck you. Yeah. Tony sit back like this. Wow. Wait until you get a load of this. I did the next thing you know,

Juanita was in my DM for three motherfucking weeks. Talking about we can go on the road together. I was like, I think we need time to kill. I was like, you're moving too fast, Juanita. And he was like this. Donnell, I'm going to open for you one day. He had a dress on with his dick. I was like, no, Juanita, no.

Oh, my God. But for your fans that want to try to be like, yeah, you were talking to Juanita. What I think I respect where you came from, where you're going or whatever. And it was fucking. The shit you said was funny. I didn't take it personal.

Oh, what? I did block you for the first two weeks. Made you turn your mind. Yeah. And then all of a sudden your curiosity got the best of you. No, shut the fuck up. I'm a pussy eater. I'm from the Sam Kinnison era of pussy eat.

Well, you be careful. She's one go-fund me away from having you eat her pussy. You're going to be practicing the Koran. What fucking happened to our bond? I'm not sure. Just like white people, you switched on me that quick. Sorry, man. Remember these days?

My goodness. Let's do it. Remember those days? Juanita, let me start off by saying this. We've had you on this show, obviously, out of the bucket, numerous times. Tonight was a special occasion. I don't know. even think.

Reh an Idy. Hold on. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. It messes up the YouTube. I don't want to have to pay the fucking Supremes for this episode

or whoever sang that fucking song. The jokes were very good too. I was just going to say, Juanita, I mean, it's incredible. It's almost a night and day difference. You've always been very interesting during the interviews, obviously. But tonight's set was fucking

rock solid. It shows that you've been practicing. Thank you. It was fucking. hilarious. That's my favorite trans minute I think we've ever had. Why are you looking at me like this? Do you want me to say something special? She's really funny, Donnell.

And you have a lot of road dates coming up, including hilarities. The MGM Grand. I mean, Vegas. Vegas. I will say this. They tried this, not this, but they've tried to use things against me like, yeah, we heard what you. You wanted.

That's my impression of your fans. Yeah. No, that's the fucking breakfast club. Those people hate not. Now, no, your fans would be like this. They're mean to me, you know it. Oh, they're hilarious. They're mean to me.

No, they're mean to everybody. They called me Dave Chappelle's butt plug for three years. That's nice, Tony. Dave Chappelle's butt plug? Like, I just pop out of Dave ass like, ah! I'm rich, bitch! They are mean to me and you fucking know it.

We said the same thing about Matt Mueling. Today, he gets a new nickname every episode. We called them the human butt plug. I know they ain't shit. They are mean to me. Juanita, clearly you've been practicing a lot. You've been doing a lot of work. Tell Donnell which city you want to go to.

I'll put you on the show. I want to go to L.A. Nah, niggins. We go to Ohio, nigger. We go to San Francisco, nigga. We're going to L'A. Not today, devil. Not today, devil.

Oh, dead. That's the day. My God is a good God. I can't take Juanita the hell. I can take her to San Francisco. West Village. I can't take that bitch to come. That's a lot.

Devil, not to see, that's not a good idea. That thing like this. I don't think you should do that. I need it, but I felt more as the other week. Offered. Oh my God. She said last last. She said Los Angeles.

Oh, my God. You could have said any other city. Oh, my, nah, nah, nah, nah. Oh, my God. You know what, Donnell? I have, I have, I have bad news, Donnell. You are no longer the worst guest in the show's history. that was absolutely incredible

that no N-word on L.A. Can I say this? You guys understand why that's hilarious, right? It's a city of beautiful people and the industry of show business. You can't really be walking around with the lovely one.

Tony, can I have a moment? Yes, absolutely. I want to have a moment that I tried to, Rob Schneider ruined it the last time we were here. I was trying to tell you how much I love you.

Listen. And I'm telling you, I should not give a fuck about these people. But I do. For four years, every time I've done this show, I... Okay, I'm going to get emotional. For five years. Five years. From the pandemic, when nobody wanted to do this fucking show.

Nobody wanted to do it back then. I stood up for you. You. That is true. You, you. True, true, true. And I showed up for you and nobody wanted to show up. It was only William Montgomery.

That is true. And how you paid me back, you told all these assholes and assholes and assholes that... Listen up, motherfuckers. I was the walk-off king. Walk-off. You told people I crashed out. crashed out legendary you went on Joe you went on Joe Rogan's podcast and you fucking doubled down and all these white people believed you white people believe you Tony they disconnected with me fucking Tony and I said I just want to be here I said and for four fucking years for fucking years I've been trying so much to get this fucking killed Tony audience to like me kill Tony audience appreciate me And when I did, I tried to appease these crackers.

Appease the crackers. And I do know what appease me's, and I can use it in a sentence. Appease. They said, fuck you. They went on a fucking Instagram post. A core moment with my fucking son. never told you this, Tony, but I was teaching my son how to ride a bike. And I thought I was safe from the criticism from your fucking audience.

The audience that you built for 15 fucking years. And they went on the page with my son at a court moment, and they said, well, I'm glad his son finally learned how to ride a bike, because when his dad walks out of his life. And the last memory your fucking audience has with me is me said, we will, we will fuck you. They know it! Thank you.

That wasn't for you, what? Shut the fuck up, nigga! Cut up! Oh my God, you're fucking... You're literally killing me. tonight, Dono. Oh my God. This chemistry that you and Wannita have is...

There's no chemistry! There's no fucking chemistry! This is it! You guys are real. Don't shake the fucking head. Rampers like, we're going to make a million dollars. What the... No!

Hey, you! What the fuck it's going on? Oh, my God. No, it's not... No, put it down. If you want a gun, Juanita's got one between her legs. Got a little 9mm there waiting for you. Smash and grab it.

We're in Texas. The lovely Juanita, congratulations. Here's a big joke book. Check out. Juanita has a podcast called The Whiskey Hole, right? You have a podcast? I have a podcast, a live show. Why am I be a sass enough?

That's not all she has, Heidi, you did this to me. We'll just put that there for now. Oh, my God. You are a shit, Tom. I'm surprised that's not loaded. Well. That would have been so fucking cool.

If I would have came on killed Tony. It would have been crazy. Like the Bruce Lee shit? Many people dream of such a situation. Juanita. Oh, boy. Congratulations. Thank you so much.

The lovely Wadneed. I, everybody. Thank you. Believe it or not, we have one last comedian that just comes in and absolutely crushes. We are

his biggest fans. You are his biggest fans. I mean, he's a freak of nature. He is, you know, he has to write and perform. I don't trust you anymore, bro. Yeah, who's next? Joana man?

And you was all night, you was like, la da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Our next guest's coming up. You are an evil friend. Our final comedian of the night is truly one of the best in the world right now. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. We get to all just sit our mics down

and enjoy the anomaly. The real deal. This is Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. old school kind of guy, you know? So the first time a gal told me to slide in her DMs, I was like I'd prefer your cunt. Uh, what's DM stand for? I'm an American sweetheart.

Only things I slide into her home-plating pussy, you know what I'm saying? USA! U.S.A. Ended up taking her out on a date. She told me she was looking to settle down. I was like, good, you haven't stopped talking. Fucking.

Take his annex, bitch. I'm sick of this shit. And, you know, some people are starting to have AI chapbot girlfriends now. And in 2024, young man in Florida was convinced to kill himself by one. Just like a real woman. The technology is getting there.

Slowly but surely. Okay, thank you. Holy shit. Pat, I'm an enormous fan. I love that you tell funny jokes. Thanks, Tim. Good man. It is absolutely incredible, Pat.

That is, I can say with basically, I don't think, any hesitation, I do believe that is the loudest pop and the longest, loudest pop from the crowd I've ever heard. To watch it grow every single week is absolutely incredible. What's happening with the industry and how things are, the fact that we have a weekly show and you come out and slaughter, to watch your growth is incredible. to watch you be able to follow those expectations and have us all cracking up

when I thought I was unable to laugh after Donnell told Juanita. Your girlfriend's looking good. You know what? No homo. I'm still thinking about Juanita right now. But I will say the last time I was here, I don't really...

I watched the show, but I don't see that like every week and like the way these people received you, Even the last time I was here, you cracked a joke on me, and it was fucking funny. And now I'm seeing you like, you got bitches now, sir. Thank you, sir. Do you have bitches? No, no.

No, no. I'm seeing you with bitches confusing as shit. I'm standing like, you're like, ha, ha, how did he ever do that? But I see your growth. You're doing well for yourself. I mean, I can't say anything other. It's nothing that I can say after the Juanita shit, that part. Unbelievable.

But I will say you're funny, motherfucker. Thank you, Dawn. Shout out Top Dog Law, too. I've got the references. Thank you, buddy. Pat, are you going on the road? Are you doing road dates? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to start next week in Tulsa. Have you done that?

Got most of them sold. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Tulsa, Oklahoma. One person is going to jail with you tonight. Yeah, fuck yeah, Tulsa. Pat, you are the absolute fucking man. He's going to kill you in Tulsa. Thank you, brother.

Yeah, yeah. His podcast is going to look this way. The podcast is Ray Guitards. He's on tour. He's on The Killers. Pat O'Neill comedy late this year and throughout next year coming up, for sure. I know that for a fact. Pat O'Neill is taking over everything.

Can I say something, Tony? Yes, absolutely. Pat, you take this so seriously. You're not blowing the opportunity. I just really admire that you're, you know, using this platform. to be funny and tell jokes. Thank you, Sam. You're so nice the other episode.

You're on fucking... It's very cool. It's very hard. Donnell was on when I got the golden ticket and Sam was on when I got regular. Wow. That's crazy. Wow.

That's unbelievable. I had no idea. What a wild coincidence. And Pat, I mean, it is unbelievable to see what's happening here and with the expectations, like I said, it's hard to stay number one. It's hard.

whether it's UFC, boxing, stand-up, obviously, as we saw this weekend football, the number one team, the Ohio State Buckeyes lost to the Texas Longhorns. It's hard to stay number one in my mind, and I think anybody with fucking common sense watching a weekly show, the fact that you're not chilling and, like, you know, kind of phoning it in or anything, you're riding the way of being competitive with yourself. I think you see you're only competing with yourself, which is what everybody's doing in art. No, he's competing with Juanita tonight. But you are the absolute man. I can't say it enough. The great Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

I've had, ever since Juanita asked to go to L.A., and you told her, no, my nose has been leaking. Like, I have a slow nose leak from, I think I blew a blood vessel in my brain from laughing. And I saw Troy over my shoulder. You have pictures of that, don't you? I went that way for some reason. When shit gets crazy, I go that way.

How about a hand for Donnell Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen. Donnell Rawlings.com. MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Cleveland Hilarities, October 16th, the Donnell Rawlings show available everywhere. You are unbelievable. I've always loved you. I fucking love you more than ever.

You are just a freak of nature. I appreciate our friendship, and I appreciate what you do for comedy, giving people the platform. to fucking shine. Hell yeah. I appreciate it. One more time for the great and powerful.

One of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Sam Talent, everybody. That is Talent with two elves. His website is samtallent.com. Brute is an unbelievable novel. I'm positive of this. He is a fucking brilliant mind. He is a genius.

If you ever enjoyed a book in your life, pre-order Brute right now. It's available on sale everywhere, September 22nd. But pre-order it now. Show your love. He's made you laugh tens and tens of times as a guest on this show.

He's also at hilarities on... Wait, do I have your dates mixed up? I'm in hilarities this weekend. Oh, this weekend. You heard it here. I made him laugh tens of tens of times. No, you've been on the show tens and tens of times. That's what I would say.

Okay. One more time for the great Sam Talent, everybody. That's Talent with two L's. He is the man. We have a... Dallas. Oh, shit. Next Saturday.

That is Saturday, September 26th in Dallas. We are in Houston, October 17th. We are in Vegas at the MGM Grand, November 13th, and 14. Those are huge shows. And, of course, New Year's Eve at the Moody Center, doing an arena in our hometown for the fourth year in a row. Red band? And check out the Sunset Strip right next door.

Sunsetstrip ATX.com. Secret Show every Thursday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all sitting around laughing. Whoa, Joe Rogan. Oh, my goodness. Our dear cult leader, our dear cult leader, Joe Rogan,

we bend the knee, we sacrifice babies for Joe. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.