KILL TONY - KILL TONY #80

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

Brian Moses, Jamar Neighbors, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Autistic Patriot / Joshua Meyrowitz, Brian Redban - Date: 11/17/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out DeathSquad.tv, that's the official website for the Death Squad universe. Also, check out our tour calendar, just click on tour calendar. You'll see that we're at the Ice House in Pasadena almost every Friday. We have a Death Squad show there, and you can check out IceHouseComedy.com for all the details. Also, we are having our next secret show, Death Squad Secret Show, at the Comedy Store. It's a special edition. It's going to be January 14th.

That's a Wednesday. But it's a naughty show edition. So it's going to be cool. It's going to be Joe Rogan, Ari Shafir, Jim Jeffries, Morgan Murphy, Sam Tripoli, and myself. And a bunch of porn stars. So check it out. It's going to be January 14th at the Comedy Store for a Night of Naughty show. Also, don't forget Death Squad Vegas.

We have a free show January 24th. That's a Saturday. It's at the South Point Hotel and Casino. It's a free show, so it's limited seating. So get there early to grab your seats. It's going to be me, Sam Tripoli, and a bunch of other people. Details on all the comics soon, but you can check out all the info. Go to DeathSquad.TV.

Click on Tour Dates. Also, check out ShopSquad.TV. That's the official Death Squad store where we have t-shirts, hats, stickers. We've got the mugs back in stock. Those are going fast, so if you haven't got a Death Squad mug, check it out. ShopSquad.TV.

All right, guys, and don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all your golden pony goodness. Don't forget also, me and Tony do the Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store, and it's a free show, 8 p.m., Belly Room. All right, guys, brand new episode, Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

Let's play Fuck yeah After many technical difficulties We've figured out some things here Thank you so much for waiting everybody Happy Tuesday night What? It's Tuesday night Our first ever Tuesday Kill Tony

We are very excited Because one of our other favorite shows Here at the Comedy Store, if not definitely our favorite, Roast Battle, takes place tonight as well. So this is like a first time ever crazy eclipse of the two of the craziest shows that take place here. So I'm very excited. And we have a very Roast Battle-centric episode ahead of you. So welcome, everybody. Happy Tuesday to you. Fuck yeah.

It's a big night for comedy. Big night for comedy and comedians. Roast Battle's an amazing show where comedians make fun of each other a lot, but we'll talk about that later. Crazy weekend this week. Brian Redband, everybody. Hey.

Hi. Yeah, I bet there's a lot of people here that maybe work every Monday that can't come to Kill Tony. Is there anybody here that's just like, oh, damn, finally I can go to a show? Yeah, there's a couple people. Sweet. What do you do on Monday, sir? Yell it.

Pet psychic. See that? That's how quick it happens. Those are the type of Kill Tony fans that we have. Not your normal, everyday, average Joe. You're fucking pet psychics, guys. Crazy weekend this weekend in the Death Squad universe. Joe Rogan made his return to the comedy store on Thursday night.

Unbelievable. Some people said it would never happen. It's so crazy seeing that main room when they have the curtains up and it's just wall-to-wall people. One of my favorite things in all of comedy isn't necessarily the performance or what the performer gets after the thing. What I love seeing is when a comedian takes the stage, that feeling of an audience, whether they knew or not. I mean, it is a little bit of a different effect sometimes in the original room because they're shocked at who walks up there. But even this one, which was planned, it's so amazing to see a long extended ovation.

Yeah, you forget that room down there is so amazing and powerful. Craziest one I ever saw, I saw Cheech and Chong reunite one time at the La Jolla Comedy Store about four or five years ago. And they were separated. They hadn't played together in like 25 years or something crazy like that. And they got together one night to test their show at the La Jolla Comedy Store. And all of us comedians that were working here at the time, yeah, this was like five or six years ago, got this info. It was like top secret Cheech and Chong.

And then we went. We snuck in the back. You know what I mean? Comedians get free range there. And Cheech and Chong's reception when they came out for the first time together in 25 years was so crazy that what happened was, check this out, a double standing ovation. To where they got a standing ovation when they came out and then everybody saw them together and, you know, went crazy. So people started standing on chairs. It's like a 400-person showroom, the La Jolla Comedy Store.

And then once people started standing on their chairs, everybody else couldn't see. So they started standing on their chairs and everybody was up a fucking level. Imagine that. That's the craziest entrance I've ever seen. And if you missed it, Joe Rogan, Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, and we're all doing it again this week

for the Secret Show Thursday at 9 o'clock. The Secret's out. Thursday, Main Room, 9 o'clock. Rogan, Hinchcliffe, Red Band, Trussell. Some of my favorite people. Boom. Boom. Boom. Guys, we had a delicious meal tonight

That's because our show's only sponsor is A gourmet chef, the lovely Elise Lane Sitting right over there, look at her Beautiful Smart, hell of a cook How you doing? Don't swing it too hard, because there's butter on that crawfish But we don't want to give any

Alright, stop, stop now You have to do things, Brian Do you even have a fucking napkin as you play with crawfish. But we don't want to give any... All right, stop. Stop now. You have to do things, Brian. Do you even have a fucking napkin as you play with crawfish right now? You're supposed to suck the brain out, right? You are disgusting. Yeah, Joe Rogan, we were at this restaurant

and they had a crawfish on the side of the plate, but I think it was just for decoration. It wasn't cooked the way you're supposed to eat it. He took off the thing, sucked it, and it was still brain.

And he's just like, and just barfed all over his girlfriend. Great story. Tell it again. Holy shit. Guys, our chef made us something so amazing tonight. I used to read what she would make for us, but they're such gourmet

meals, and sometimes they have long, crazy words that I could still enunciate them perfectly. But I thought to myself, why not have our runaround producer, Josh Martin, who's always in the weeds and confused and has a full-blown speech impediment, to read the recipes out loud. She made us something delicious tonight and Josh is going to have to read it. And if he stumbles on any of his words, he gets hit in the nuts. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody.

My friend. Fuck yeah. All right, so now this is the part of the show where, Josh, you have to read the recipe all the way through, exactly what she made for us. And if you stumble over any words, you get hit in the nuts. I still don't know why we do this. I get hit in the nuts every time.

But he always likes it. That's the weird part. It sort of always ruins the... I like my nuts touched. He actually does like getting hit in the nuts. All right, don't look at it. Go. I don't know if this crowd's ready for it.

Tuesday night, do you think you can handle this? I really don't know. I mean, it's a human being possibly getting hit in the nuts with a plastic doll. I don't know what's better than that. All right, Josh, read that recipe or getting hit in the nuts with a plastic doll. I don't know what's better than that. All right, Josh, read that recipe or get hit in the nuts. Here we go. So we got sweet and spicy shrimp and grits, honey scotch bonnet shrimp, and crayfish with creamy herb grits.

I don't know why I say crayfish. What's a crayfish? Yeah, what is that? Did you just make up an animal? I realized if I say crawfish, I was going to pause and I was going to get hit in the nuts. So you knew you would pause on crawfish. Yes. So I say crayfish, which is definitely crawfish.

That's cheating, kind of. You just, all right. Actually, no, it says crayfish. It's pronounced crawfish, though. No, that's a crayfish. You accidentally pronounced it right. It's a crayfish. You accidentally pronounced it right. It's really crayfish? That's how backwards his impediment is.

Is it really crayfish? Yeah. Look at that Y right there. Really? Honey Scotch Bonnet Shrimp and Crayfish with Creamy Herb Grits. That's Elyse Lane, everybody. She's on Facebook and Instagram at Elyse Lane. Or no, she's on Twitter at Ely and Facebook and Instagram at thegirlwithapan.

Is crawfish just like how the South says it? Pop and soda. Is it two different things or is it the same thing? Wow, crayfish, crawfish. Who would have thought? Two different regions. Same thing. Fuck yeah. Smells amazing.

Hell yeah, guys. Every episode that we've done of Kill Tony, I believe this might be episode 79 or 80. I always lose count. But we always have a man or a woman keeping us safe in a patriot outfit, a patriot costume. Used to be a guy in a $5,000 Iron Man suit

that did it for us, but after 30-some episodes, he said he got too big for the show and that he would only come back when it's picked up by a giant network instead of the many, many listeners and fans and followers that he got from the show. So

every episode to show him how replaceable he is, we've replaced him with a brand new different person. This person is the only person ever to be the Patriot six times. This is his sixth time doing it because

he is so damn good at it. He's my favorite. He is the one and only autistic Patriot, everybody. Josh Meyerowitz. I love this man Fuck yeah the autistic patriot Back again

The only guy that fills up the suit all the way Unfortunately so And with the new speaker box this time around Awesome You sound great I I'm alright. I can tell you're autistic still by your haircut. It sticks up above the thing.

Do autistic people all have the same barber or something? What's the deal with that? I didn't know we had a specific haircut. Yeah, I wouldn't think you would know about that. No, I would not. I think it's something

the outside would notice. I also love the fact that your chin comes underneath. Like, I could see both the top and the bottom of your head. Yeah, I've been eating bad. Josh, what's been happening with you comedy-wise? What have you been up to lately? I just came in from New York. We had a roast battle in New York.

And just getting in little things here and there. Nothing special. Just working to become a better comic and ultimately a good comic. You turned into such a politician there at the end, I noticed. You really got stable and gave your line. I love your style. Now, for the roast battle, you put out a lot of energy.

What would you call your title in the show? Because you get the crowd hot with your chant. I guess just Hype Man, Chanter. Honestly, I can't think of anything past Hype Man. Right. Exactly. I wish I could give a better answer than that. I just run around like a maniac going, battle,

battle, battle. Like a fucking maniac. And he's got a role in a giant show. Yeah. Who would have thought it's that easy? Yeah, that's why I'm giving the miniscule role. Don't worry about it. I don't get a big head about it.

I love it. Fuck yeah, but the stand-up's been going good too? It's been all right. I need to work harder. When you said you've been eating bad, what are you talking about here? Are you still eating dessert for breakfast? No.

But I am eating. No. It's like the old Patriot. At this point, French toast has to be considered like dessert in the morning because it's, you know, bread and syrup. You eat a lot of French toast, right? No. Not as much as you think, but my mom makes some damn good French toast. Gotcha. Trust me. I wake almost every morning to, Josh, much as you think, but my mom makes some damn good French toast. Gotcha.

Trust me, I wake almost every morning to, Josh, what do you want, French toast? And what do you say? I say, give me the most bread. That's to say I eat a lot of French toast. That's to say this isn't funny, fuck. Fuck yeah, man. This guy loves French toast.

She makes a good French toast. French toast is just bread and syrup mixed with eggs, right? Yeah. Is that not the worst idea for a fucking food to start the day? Then you add powdered sugar to it. See, my mom doesn't do that, and that's fine. Come on, it's unhealthy enough, especially with the carbs of the bread. So when your mom doesn't make

French toast, what does she make for you? By the way, just to clarify, she doesn't make it that much. When she does make it, I'm on tiptoes. Tiptoes? Tip of my toes. Wow. I'm just like, oh shit, French toast.

What else gets you on your tiptoes? Basically anything delicious. I'm pretty like, oh shit, French toast. What else gets you on your tiptoes? Basically anything delicious. I'm pretty easy to please. What's another breakfast that you make sometimes? Just scrambled eggs or an omelet. That's about it. I try not to eat anything like that in the morning other than a banana and an apple. Okay.

I love it. I try to eat healthy for what it's worth. What's the banana and the apple covered in When you're eating it Ice cream It's a banana split It's great in the mornings It's dairy

Josh is at Autistic Thunder He's going to be a lot of fun tonight He always is Josh Meyerowitz everybody Tonight's show Very very exciting Very very Tuesday comedy store centric Two guys that I've been doing comedy with Thank you. Tonight's show, very, very exciting. Very, very Tuesday comedy store-centric.

Two guys that I've been doing comedy with a very, very long time. Two of my best pals in the entire business and two of my fastest rising pals in the entire business. I'm proud to have them both here. It's Brian Moses and Jamar Neighbors, everybody. Yeah, baby. Here they are.

I see them every night. My pals. Guys that I play in the playground with. Spent years with you guys. So much fun to have you both here. Jamar, you've been on this show once before. Brian Moses, this is your first time. My version. Check, check. have you both here. Jamar, you've been on this show once before. Brian Moses, this is your first time.

Check, check. You come from the great land of La Jolla. And I remember seeing you one of my first times there and I told you, you know, I go, you gotta get up to LA. You gotta get up to Hollywood. And you already had the wheels moving in that.

But to see what you've done. Brian is the creator of Roast Battle, everybody. The fantastic, the only show that I actually watch. The only comedy show that I actually make a point to watch. Thank you for supporting, Tony. I appreciate it. And all you guys, thank you. This is very special.

A Tuesday doubleheader. Back to back. Or black to black like you guys are Thank you. This is very special. A Tuesday doubleheader. Back to back. Or black to black like you guys are right now. Jamar's battling tonight. Jamar? Oh my god. That's right. Who are you battling? Joe Dosh. I don't know. Are you serious? I don't know. Not Joe

Dosh. Is it really? You versus Joe Dosh? Yeah. Holy shit. I'm so excited. That's amazing. Yeah. Jamar, you're also the leader of the Black Wave. Yes. One of my favorite things in all of comedy.

These guys, if you happen to not know, listeners especially to this podcast, Roast Battle is coming. You're going to, you If you keep an eye on it because it's either going to be near where you live or definitely, if not, first thing on a TV show coming soon because it's a super hit show. They just sold out the Gramercy Theater in New York last Saturday. Congratulations. That's a big

deal. All built here. All in this room. Just like Kill Tony. People often get the two shows confused and backwards. At least with me. What's your part in roast battle again? Kill battle.

Kill row battle. I think that's what they usually say. I'm glad that you guys are here. Every week our Patriot asks our two guests each a question. Go right ahead, Patriot. Jamar, you have recently become a paid regular here at the Comedy Store,

with your name on the walls. The Preserver of the Day. What do you think is next on your comedy agenda? What do you think you hope to accomplish next? I don't know. What's that? To fuck Sarah Tiana? That's a solid goal, by the way.

That's what everybody wants. Once you get that name on that wall, everybody knows that's the next level in the video game. Fuck Sarah Tiana. Maybe some TV or some shit. I'm auditioning for a bunch of pilots, so maybe some TV next. Woo! There you go, starting the woo.

Great question, Josh. I try my best. Moses, you started Roast Battle a little over a year ago. At what point did you know this was going to be a big successful thing? How many months? Was it after Kenny Lyon, Josh Martin,

the first roast battle? The accidental roast battle that made it all fucking start? I think I knew when Jeff Ross started coming every week. When the Roastmaster General, his mentor, you know what I mean, the prodigy over there, Tony, when he started coming every week, I was like, this thing is going to be fucking, it might be huge.

And we've been doing pretty well. So I'll say that. There you go. Bad question. I thought me being there every week would make you think that it was going to be a hit. But I guess it took Jeff Ross. I get it. Golden Pony.

There you go. That's right. Myra Whitson. Who gave you that name? That's right. Who gave you that name? The Golden Pony was bestowed upon me by Benji Aflalo. Years and years ago, the guys used to play Risk in the main room, green room during the day.

They'd have these long tournaments, and I never played Risk. I have no interest in it. It seems stupid to me. I don't like dice. I'd always go in there, though, and bust their balls or whatever. That's back when I was hanging out here during the day a lot, just writing and riffing and bobbity-bop. And there was a golden pony on the –

there's a golden pony in Risk for some reason. It's not even an actual piece or something. I don't really know. But one day I said, who's the golden pony? And it's not a piece of a player, so Benji goes, you're the golden pony. And I didn't like it, because he kept calling

me that after that, and I kept going, stop it, stop it, but then I figured out actually I sort of like it. Which reminds me, buy the golden pony t-shirt, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Thank you! Paching! Paching! It's another $20. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Thank you. Ba-ching, ba-ching. It's another $20. Seven of it goes to the guy who made it.

Anyway, let's get this thing started, everybody. This is Kill Tony, where comedians sign up for the opportunity to do one minute on this stage. They can kill. They can bomb. Anything can happen. You only get a minute. It's not really that big of a deal.

Because afterwards, you're on a podcast. You talk to me and my friends about what you did and what you might want to do in the future. Are you guys ready for this? It's a special Tuesday. Kill Tony. Comedians, you know that your 60 seconds is up when you hear the meow of a kitty. Aw, come on.

That sounds like a little quiet kitty. What's the kitty's actual volume going to sound like? Okay. Alright. So I guess I'll move on to the next part. Wrap it up after that or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

Alright. There we go. All right. There we go. That's what that part's come to, everybody. Used to be fun. One could say that we're beating a dead horse. Set you up for that one. Hey, I know this guy. He works here interesting character

put your hands together for Jared Levin everybody Jared Levin just missed his spot and you know what that means that means he gets blacklisted you don't want to do that spot and you know what that means. That means he gets blacklisted. You fucking idiot. You don't want to do that. This bucket is filled with names. Oh, the disrespect.

Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night. Candice Yaw. I'm all about that bass. That bass. No trouble. I'm all about that bass. That bass. No trouble. I'm all about that bass. Thank you. That's very nice of you. How the hell is everybody doing tonight?

Hello? What was that I laughed about? I'm confused. I decided I wanted to get into comedy. Comedy, damn, that was a good amount of wine i had earlier to comedy because i realized there weren't enough tits in comedy and i feel like i can add a couple more pair that are real and my dream as a child was to be an actress and then i got an agent and she sent me on an audition for a

twerk video um i don't know if any of you guys want to see i don't have any ass't know if any of you guys want to see. I don't have any ass. So I was like, bitch, you sent me to fail. How dare you? And then she sent me on another audition to do reality TV for Flavor of Fucking Love.

My childhood wasn't that bad to ever want to do shit with Flavor of Love. No offense, I'm not a rap artist, and that was the only thing I would want to do shit with flavor of love no offense i'm not a rap artist and that was the only thing i would want to do with flavor back in the 80s or 90s public enemy whatever but i can't wait till the future until people realize that this fake ass shit isn't so great once it's sunk down to the bottom because then you'll be like oh i want that flat ass, that real ass. Whoa. Wow.

The Angry West Hollywood Leopard came out on that one. Candice, stay up here. No, no, no, stay, stay. No, you hang out with us. You got to talk into the microphone. It's a live podcast. Welcome to show business. Candice.

Yes. All right. How's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up? Maybe I think it's three weeks, four. Welcome to hell. I've been to hell already. I'm not scared, so.

That was a loving hell, a loving hell. Josh, settle down over there. Settle down, Autistic Patriot. I'm sorry. You're an animal. Sorry. What was that popping noise during the show? It was my microphone reacting to my hardness. Whoa.

Oh my god. I'm actually flaccid. Don't worry about it. I'm just trying to be professional. I can change any flaccidity. Trust that. Whoa. Oh, nice shit. Battle. Battle.

Battle. In my pants. Battle. What that word mean? Okay. So let's get into it, Candice. You've been doing stand-up a few weeks. How many times do you think you've gone on stage? Let's see.

Maybe it feels like six. Six times. Fuck yeah. Okay. So let's knock out some fun stuff. Yes. First, you always got to move the mic stand. That one's easy.

But you should already know that. That's like a... Move it where? What do you mean? Anywhere. Behind you. Anywhere but there. Take the mic out.

I have to make it my own. Just take the mic out of the mic stand. Okay. And move it behind you. Oh Take the mic out of the mic stand. Okay. And move it behind you. Oh. Get it out of the way. All right. Lesson one.

So now. Okay. We should add that to the beginning of the show, by the way. My next piece of advice is I thought when you said that you were going to bring two tits into comedy that you were going to make a no, not that you were going to show your tits definitely not that would not

be an option ever are you sure? I thought that you were going to make a joke about not having tits but it never came around that's a joke that not having tits, but it never came around. That's a joke that I would expect a C cup or a D cup to bring to the table. That's what I thought also. I'm sorry, but a small B can't make I'm bringing titties to the table joke.

I'm a 1D. Do you want to see my bra? 1D? Okay. What are we talking about? Your bra size or your report card? I think there's more than 1D on that. I actually had a C average.

Thank you. So you definitely had more than 1D. Tony's 100% right. I think that equals out a lot. I think we all thought the exact same thing. Not that you don't have boobs or whatever. That's a joke for big boobs or something. Oh, shit.

I didn't do that. I thought I did. Talking to the mic. That's another thing. Talking to the mic all the time. Or either it's the shirt. You've got to go microphone the whole time. Okay.

Sorry. This is actually a D. This is like an L.A. fitness D. Oh, yeah. I do some little iron sometimes. So what are you saying? That when you flex it, it turns into a D? No flex.

I'm not wearing a big-ass shirt. I mean, right now it's a B, but if I'm pumping iron... Those are packs, lady. Whatever. Because honestly, after you said that, I stopped listening to everything else you were saying. I was like, where are the tits at?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another thing. Yeah, the next 45 seconds of your set, I was like, oh, she has no tits. And I'm like, oh, would I suck on those tits? I want to see the tits. She took her shirt off. I didn't know what was happening. I was like, Solange Knowles is doing comedy.

That's great. You know what I mean? That's what I was thinking. I'm not trying to break the internet, Moses. Okay? I'm trying to break the stage with my real life comedy And this shirt is just an illusion It felt more like a diary entry to be honest

I stand upset You were just like my comedy now And my therapist this That's what I felt like the whole time I was like oh we're her diary right now Isn't that what comedy is? A diary? I thought it was You know what I think you should do?

Tell me. Don't say porn. I think you should go visit Bill Cosby. And he... I think he could really help you. He knows how to cultivate young talent. And I think you'd be right up his alley. That's great advice.

Outstanding advice. I'll go look for Bill. He's an icon. Have a late lunch. Okay. Thank you, Tony. Candice, how do you feel about everything? Are you excited?

Do you go on stage other times? Do you ever perform anything? I do. I do perform. I felt excited because I realized that I like to put on nice underwear when I go on my sets. That's why I like to put on lace draws to do this. I was like maybe I should make this into something. So yeah I'm excited. Hey Candice

I don't care what they say you can shit on my face. Wait do you mean like liquid or solid shit? I don't give a fuck what it is. The wetter the better I suppose. It all dries the same. Another fun lesson for show business

is only the rookie hot females say that they wear pretty underwear out. The veterans of the game, the people really moving ahead, tell the guys that they wear no underwear. That's a Jedi lesson for you. Cute panties are still just a cute blocker. You know, you don't want to break the internet. You want to break my zipper. I thought it was funny.

Fuck it. You went for it, Josh. You went for it. I committed. Hey, that's a comedy lesson. Commit. Fuck yeah. It's like that guy that swings at the beach ball and it wraps around the...

Candice, how do you spell this Twitter handle? It's Yao. Y-A-U. Yes, it's Yao. That's my last name. It's confusing. My dad's Chinese. My mom is black. I'm one of 20 people on the earth. I'm like an avatar. Wait, one of what? One of 20.

You won't tell me any other black mother, Asian father you know. Black mother, Asian father. Yeah, really? You do. Tagalos. Okay. Black mom, Asian dad?

Okay, so that's two and 20, so I feel better now. What do you mean there's 20? There's not 20. It's like 20 made every minute down at Koreatown. Yeah, downtown. Black moms, really, with Asian – who wouldn't have you seen with Serena Williams with like a Jet Li? When do you see that

walking down the street? I saw Romeo Must Die. Aaliyah. That's the last time you saw it. Aaliyah and Jet Li, literally. A black woman and an Asian guy. Yeah.

That's true. I don't know. It's usually the reverse. I'll say it makes sense for this hacky joke because she wants her credit fixed. Oh, no.

And that's what it is. Where's the West Hollywood bear right now? Bring him out. Get him a body bag! Guys, I'll be downstairs on Tuesday for like half an hour. Don't worry about that. That joke kills downstairs. It's so funny that you think there's only 20 of you.

You say an actual number like that. I feel like it. And the truth of the matter is my mom actually had a fantasy about Bruce Lee. Kiss of the Dragon was on repeat on UPN and she was like, oh my god I got a fucking Asian guy. You mean Kiss of the Dragon's Jet Li actually.

That's just his I call it that because they're both they're all the same. Jet Li, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan. Candice, Candice, thank you so much. Candice, y'all. Good job. All the same. Jet Li, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan. Candice, thank you so much. Candice, y'all. Thank you so much. Good job. That's an interesting thing, a black mom and an Asian dad.

I can really picture that. That almost sounds nasty. I've only seen that in porn, dude. I haven't even seen that in porn. I haven't even seen it in porn. No. I can direct you to the right links. Fuck yeah.

That's a fetch. Let's keep it moving along. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Tyree Spivey. Yeah! I start? What's up? I'm just happy as shit to be here, that's all. Shit, where am I at? Okay, when I was younger, I didn't really know who I wanted to be, you know?

Everybody had their moment, they were finding themselves. I used to be a cholo back in the day. How funny it is when you see a black cholo in the neighborhood. I was the only one making, you know, noise and shit. What's up, fool? My name is Little Dreamer the Black Beaner, da. It's nothing, fool. Like, if the black beaner da it's nothing fool like if you want to fight it's nothing da but then i had like a little chola bitch i love cholas like but she was like smart though you know she used to um she used to use big words on me and shit like why are you

being so like analytical and shit that That's all I had. Family is important. We can move on from this. We could, hello? Where's the cat? There we go. There it is. The fuck I was looking for.

Two, two. Get him, Jamar. Fuck yeah, man. Tyree Spivey. I like your style. Your family's an audience? You know what? My mom had told... Nah, but, you know, just family.

Whenever you... Look, listen. Whenever you start, like, when you want to leave a situation, just always refer to family. Yeah. Like, if you ever want to... Okay, like, I'm a barber, right?

And I cut hair. josh just stop moving where's josh martin at is anybody by the way i'm sorry but what the funniest thing is josh will you help josh meyerwitz i i i know but when you when it happens you do this thing where you start like wiggling around like like you're being electrocuted or something. Tyree, you're a barber. I just made this happen. Can you fix Meyerowitz's hair real quick while this adjustment's happening? I can always use again my hair, dude.

Oh, there you go. Went for it again. Tyree, where are you cutting hair at? He looks like a big-ass kid. I'm sorry. This is not untrue. Tyree, stick with the program over here. Tyree's here.

What? I'm here. What's up? Where do you cut hair at? Off of Fairfax. You're not going to name the cross street? It's called Legends. Oh, the Legends.

Could be anywhere. Fairfax and Melrose, I believe. Oh, really? Legends, the barbershop. I'm amazing. Oh, you know this place. I've never been there, but I've seen it. I've been to Legends. Have you ever seen it?

What you trying to say, dog? Is that Elias? Elias? I don't know how long you've been working at Tyrese, but I remember when I went there, it felt like a fucking barber college. They fucked my head up at least three times. I've only been there a year.

That's it. Is it a barber college? It's a barber shop. How much do you charge for a fade? For comedians or people? I'm giving you potential business right now it's 25 for a haircut come see me at 431 north fairfax avenue remember my haircuts was like 10 i know therese with a $10 haircut it's 25 i'm important what do you want

the lines and stuff is it more it's a lot more it's a they actually charge a lot more. They actually charge a lot fucking more. But it's Hollywood, so it kind of balances out. 25 is actually pretty cheap in Hollywood. You ever do any weaves or anything? Any what? Weaves? Like black girl weaves?

Yeah. I actually cut toupees like the whole do you braid hair can't you braid hair there's nothing wrong I can't braid my uncle can braid hair everybody

I think he can do some mean ass individuals he can get them has he been to jail though? nigga that's why 10 years there wasn't nothing else to do there wasn't nothing else to do with his brain he picked up a trade but you don't have a gray hair no

my uncle can teach you Craziest thing you've ever That anybody's ever asked you for For a haircut Well, this one dude, he told me To make him look delicious Was it your uncle? I don't know

He gave that nigga a rap So did you What did you do What do you respond to that Make me look delicious You're already delicious Yo dude make me look like I taste good Like I don't Josh you need to mute Dude, make me look like I taste good. I don't see...

Josh, you need to mute yourself until I check in with you from now on. You're getting a little... Maybe the whole six-time most-used Patriot thing got to your head. It didn't. It's just going with the flow. You need to raise your hand from now on. I'm sorry. Tyreek! Tyreek! Tyree! Tyree!

By the way, and the reason why I'm asking you all this barber stuff is because, you know, I don't know if you already do or how long have you been in stand-up? Three years. Oh, really? You do it a lot? I haven't seen you before. No, I don't. You just started coming around here? I don't come here. Where are you from? San Diego?

Do you remember where you just lived? No. You just started coming around here? Where are you from? San Diego? Do you remember? It's like Brian Moses here. No, I never. I never seen you in the hood. I grew up four years ago. Tyree started three years ago. Oh, wow. Well, Tyree, all that

barbershop stuff is hilarious. If you don't talk about that guy asking you To make him delicious Then that's craziness And you know How did you handle it What did you think when he actually said it What's the real answer

What did you say Do you remember what you said I don't It's probably like a fucking PTSD after that You don't even remember how you responded delicious um fuck yeah man well he's he's he's like he's like funny like just off the cuff yeah totally

but you rocked the shit out of Josh. Yeah, you killed that nigga. The silencer. Fuck yeah. You didn't raise your hand, motherfucker. I wasn't even really saying anything. Tyree. Yes, sir. I love the way your name is spelled.

T-Y-R-H-E-E. There's a silent H in there. Daddy issues. I'm working those out. There's a silent what? A silent H in it. The H, you don't even pronounce the H. Right.

Ty-R-H-E. Yeah, see? T-Y-R-H-E-E. That is a black name. You know that nigga was born in the early 90s. Right? It was the same thing. I was like, hey, how old was your mother when she had you?

It was for real. Right? It was the same thing. I was like, hey, how old was your mother when she had you? It was... For real? Right. What is that? It was my dad, man. Your dad named you that? Oh, he couldn't spell. Okay.

He's actually a junior. It's the same way. What is the... What is the thing with black names? Anybody ever figure that out? Yeah, Jamar, tell us. Nigga, my name is Jamar. What's wrong with that?

I don't get it. I don't know where they picked it up. When it was... You know what it was? Niggas just wanted to be different. Right. So niggas got this thing about being different,

which is a good trait, I guess. So I don't know why they started with names like Monique and shit because it could really be smell. For as much as niggas

love the Bible, there are no biblical names in the black community. That shit is insane. There's no Brian Moses. I've never met a black Paul. There's only one Brian Moses.

Yeah. I don't know, like the story of Jamar and Tyree. You know what I mean? I know Cain is out there. I've never met a black Paul. Brian Moses. Yeah. I don't know, like, the story of Jamar and Tyree. You know what I mean? I know Cain and Abel. My middle name is Malachi. My middle name is Rashad. And on the... Hey, hey, how do you spell Rashad?

Oh, shit. Look at that. It's R-A-C-H. A-A-C-H silent silent X silent X and on the next episode of niggas this is a great cast right now

I feel like I'm on the set of Black-ish Tyree what I love your style man ish. Tyree, what? Alright. I love your style, man. Please come back. You're a funny dude. Thank you, bro. Tyree Spivey, everybody. There he goes.

He's on Twitter at TheFakeTyree. It's all one word. The fake T-Y-R-H-E-E. Oh, man. I love your Stand Up For Diversity showcase, Tony. This is a lot of fun. Funny thing is, Jared Levin looks diverse, too, but he didn't even show up for it. A question I always ask my guests is, was there anything you did when you first started stand up that you can't believe you did or talked about or something crazy? That you're embarrassed that you ever did? Yes.

I used to say the mic stand was my twin brother. Oh. That was one of those guys. Yeah. Your brother's always behind you. I mean, I used to do what she did. Like, I used to leave it in front of me, but I think

I used to do a bit about fucking me but uh i think i want i think i used to do a bit about uh fucking my grandma and then uh i did it i did it you was wait were you there when i did it i did it on like a showcase too and and it failed so miserably and and i got banned from the improv for like for like four months i did it and then after I did that bit, I dropped the mic and said, suck my dick and good night. In front of industry. Yeah. Yeah. I had a showcase like that one.

What did you do? What happened? Same type of thing. Same type of thing. Where it's, you know, those showcases are weird because you have a fucking, you completely miss and you know that you missed and you know that the people that did good like never do good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like their breakthrough night.

You're like, no, that's not what they're going to do if you pick them. They suck. Well, Chilly got an agent. Right, exactly. But what's crazy is I didn't have a joke about fucking my grandma, but you reminded me of a – it's perfect for me. A very, very, very stupid thing that I used to say was I'm a premature ejaculator, and I have trouble. But my friends tell me to picture my grandma, but my grandma is hot. Dumbest thing.

I go, and she's a hell of a cook. That's kind of funny. Yeah, maybe I should bring... I'm just fucking with you now. Back when I used to say it, it wouldn't get a lot. Anyway, Josh, anything stupid you first did?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking of. I used to say this. I used to say, I had a dream last night I was jerking off a dragon in a jizzed fire. I want to emulate that in real life

by blowing a flamethrower on the girl as she's giving me a handy. Okie dokie. See? Holy shit. You are swinging for the fences tonight. You asked me what bad joke I... Hey, no. I know I asked you.

There's no doubt about that. So it was a bad joke. I love it. You did a great job. It's all good. No apologies. Don't let that autism win, you son of a bitch. I try.

Put your hands together for Mug. I believe this is a legend of the open mic Mugzilla. Perhaps reinventing himself. Shortening the name Mugzilla to just Mug. He's obviously trying to create a second wave of... Mug, everybody, put your hands together for him. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I can't believe these fucking retards on the comedy scene. The He-Man woman hater fucking retards.

Fucking Jamar. She could shit on your face. How in the fuck did you get past when your shit is strictly fucking third grade? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, he just hit somebody with a door. That was awesome. I didn't get passed for my comedy, man.

I got passed for being the realest nigga alive. Fucking awesomeness. Holy shit. Hey. He didn't even have a Twitter handle. He gave you his email address. That is true. Wow.

Candace, is Candace still in the room? Obviously, Mugzilla ran out of pot for the first time ever today. He is grumpy. If you know anything about Mugzilla, he's been doing the open mic since I started. He was doing it before I even started.

That's an interesting one. I've never seen him turn into a big baby. He lives in a van. I know I have problems with Jesus Christ. It was a great set though, I'll be honest.

He almost killed that shit. He dropped the mic and everything. I was like, damn, that's be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is emphatic. He almost killed that shit. Yeah. Dropped the mic and everything. I was like, damn, that's commitment. Best thing you could have done was put that mic down. I mean, what is he? He's trying to do, like, that white knight stuff, right? Isn't that what they call that? Social justice warrior.

What if it didn't get a reaction and he walked out? What? Fuck Jamar. It didn't. What are you talking about? It didn't, right? There was some of a reaction, but what if it got nothing? And he was like...

And he just heard a door slam. See, what would have been great, by the way, is if he did that and then ran around and came up that way and did some amazing performance piece where he's like, just kidding! And then the cat goes and everybody's like, boom! History. But he didn't do it. The minute's up. I don't even think he knows. He had 40 seconds to

save his ass after that. Would have been epic, by the way. Would have been epic. That was a hot 20 seconds, though, man. And I don't think actually seeing the way his body looked, I don't think he would have been able to That was a hot 20 seconds, though, man. And I don't think actually seeing the way his body looked, I don't think he would have been able to make it around in 40 seconds. There seems like there was some sexual tension or something between you two. Do you know where that's coming from?

Are you guys like just mortal enemies? Every nigga out here trying to fuck me, man. I don't get it, man. He's trying to get you in the van. Shit on his face, Jamar. Are you serious, third grader? Yeah, exactly. That's third grade stuff.

How would you know that? You went to school in the 60s. You know what I mean? You're really making cheap jokes, you third grader. That's been an insult since we've all been in fourth grade. You realize that? Fourth grade, that's like, oh, you calling me a fucking third grader? Yeah.

Would that shit on my face comment have killed in the third grade? Oh, would it destroy? Just like it did tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same exact thing. That's our, would never be the same. Only way to find out. I've been saying that shit since the third grade.

Okay, let's keep it moving along. I fucking love it. Holy shit. Here's another guy that's been doing stand-up since before I started. First guy I ever met. First guy I... Oh, my God. For real?

First guy I ever met here at the comedy store he was yeah he made a documentary about me he was on the patio when i first arrived here we share the same birthday a hell of a gentleman and always a nice guy to me and a funny comedian eddie whitehead I wrote a little instrument and piece to describe myself. Can I play it for you? Yeah. I like tits. I like tits. Ah, man, the reason I said it, I'm going through some health issues.

Matter of fact, yeah. Trying to get some money together. Quick question. Is it wrong to fall in love in the middle of a prostate examination? Well, my dentist gave me mine, and ah, yeah. I thought it was quite strange. At one point I told her, you can't put that hand back in my mouth. I really, last time I get a Groupon. I quit drugs because I found out real fast that this nose, when I first snorted cocaine, was too big for cocaine.

I snorted one line of cocaine, it cost me $3,200. I went, no. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Annie Whitehead Jr. You shit on her face? In one of those jokes, you almost convinced me that you've been to a dentist since I've known you. Just a little unbelievable to me. I still got a real tooth right here.

Really? One real one left, huh? Okay, that's enough of that. Eddie, how's it going, man? I'm feeling pretty good. I'm wearing pretty panties. All right, Eddie, we get it. You can make callbacks to what happened earlier.

You're 0 for 2 on it right now. I've been working hard on this documentary of you and the gang. It's coming along. If you want to see it, it's on YouTube. It's called The Nature of Stand-Up. I didn't want my people to know about it. It's too late now. What it is, it's pretty crazy because you got footage of me and a bunch of the boys when we were all just starting. It was over seven years ago, but it does seem like we were kids back then in a weird way.

Did you have the curly Richard Simmons hair? At one point I did, but what's crazy about that is that that was even after two of the shots that you have of video footage of interviewing me and me updating you on what's going on. Yeah, I used to call him the human head shot because he showed up in this little boy's body with the same size head. He grew a sense of humor. He was just a big head walking around talking. It was cool. That's right. Thanks, Eddie, you son of a bitch.

You know what's so funny? You know what's so funny about the documentary is that it's a documentary, and it's mostly about your journey and shit, but there's random footage of this nigga in, like, Russia. Like, do you know what I'm saying? On a train. I was just going to get to that. There's, like, ten comedians who are almost all moving on to better things throughout it.

And the rest of it, you just keep cutting in your own life. It's really incredible. Everybody who's recommended it to me goes, it's amazing. You've got to watch it. Just fast forward through all of Eddie's parts. But, you know, I mean, you have an adventure. We just don't, you know.

Well, you were part of my adventure, and I really appreciate it. No, of course, of course. I want to watch it. What's it called again? The Nature of Stand-Up. The Nature of Stand-Up on YouTube. I'm going to check it out. And you can also, in that documentary, which is amazing rare footage,

there's some of Angelo Bowers doing a set with Gerard Carmichael laughing in the background and him being like, and a joke, and only Gerard laughs. And Angelo literally goes, thanks, Gerard. And then, you know, that weird thing where he laughs again. Anyway, Eddie, I got y'all at your best. What do you mean? You're saying we're not at our best yet?

What the fuck? You guys peaked already. No, no, you're still moving on. Don't worry about it. You're not really having any health issues, right? No, no, no, no. That's crazy. I need sex, though, if anybody wants to do an old man. Even though you look like Samuel L. Jackson. Hell yeah. Samuel L. Jackson, yeah.

The writer. That's right. You son of a bitch. Anything else for Eddie, guys? Are you going to ask him why he's dressed like a corpse? I don't know. I'm always in like a corpse? I don't know. I'm always in awe of Eddie. I don't know.

And you are everywhere. You said Russia. There was a time I saw this man in San Francisco for some weird reason. I don't know how you got there. All right, we'll do that. I don't get it. Eddie, I remember one day, Eddie, he walked up to, like, me, Josh Adam Myers, and some people. And he was like, hey, man, I don't think I'm going to see y'all again, man.

I'm going to Russia. Yeah. Right there, right? And then he left. Then he came back. And we was like, Eddie, where you been at? He was like, man, I was in Russia. And then he got on stage.

He was like, so I just got out of jail. Oh! Yeah, my butt does still hurt from that. Yeah, okay. Oh, man. I remember that. I love it. Big night for you.

You got on stage. Your son Tyree did a really good job. Eddie, I love you. Thank you so much. Eddie Whitehead Jr., everybody. Are you really on Twitter? At Edward1? Or are you just saying that? You're not Edward1.

You just got on Twitter and you got Edward1? Why are you lying right now? Why are you putting out somebody else's Twitter handle? There's no way you're Edward1. No fucking way. What? Okay. Yeah, well, tweet.

Tweet at me. He'll have his people call your people. How long ago did you get on Twitter? Thank you. Thank you, Eddie. One more time for Eddie Whitehead Jr. It's so fucking funny. Wow.

This is fun. Edward1 has two tweets, and it says, sleeping in front of my desk 2,795 days ago, and then shower time. Yeah. That's it.

So we definitely know it wasn't Eddie Whitehead Jr. Because shower time is not on the... All right, fuck it. I wonder what Eddie Whitehead Jr. Because shower time is not on the... All right, fuck it. I wonder what Eddie Whitehead Sr. thinks about his son's success. Oh, shit, that's crazy. Yeah, first person I met in comedy was Eddie. I showed up like three or four hours early to a Sunday open mic here.

And I had been waiting like a few weeks to really perform for the three minutes. So I showed up early. I was excited. The only person sitting on the patio was Eddie Whitehead Jr. I was there because I was super excited. He was there because he was homeless. But we immediately made friends

and I'm proud of you, Eddie. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Marty Wurst. Bitch, I'm young Khalifa. Filling my lungs with reefer. Somewhere in the clouds. Gotta press up the seams. I got a win so fast that I caught a ticket speed. And then my bitch so bad that...

Hey, guys. All right. Lost my virginity at a canned foods drive my friend put me up to it he's like marty if you want to get some pusey gotta go to a canned foods drive i said that's crazy i don't know what you're talking about but i'm in what do i have to do he says take this can of peas and you're in like gold baby so'm in. What do I have to do? He says, take this can of peas, and you're in like gold, baby. So I went down there, and there was a woman outside. She was stacking cans of creamed corn in the back of a wagon. And I say, excuse me, miss, that's a lot of creamed corn you

got there. So I was trying to be smooth. She said, get your own cream corn, motherfucker. These are mine. And I was really startled, so I gave her my can of peas. And her tone suddenly changed. She said, you want to get out of here? I said, I'll pull the wagon. All right, I'm already where it's saying it is. What the? I see why your last name's worst.

Really? Who says you're going to get laid at a canned food? No one says that. This is a crazy story. Are you a bagger? It might be funny, though. It might be funny. Not this time.

I like your style. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's like a little over a year. Okay. Where are you performing at? I mean, just Hollywood area. Pavilions, Albertsons, Ralphs. Can't foods drive.

Echoes, improv, just all over. Right. Okay. So none of that really happened, right? No. What? So if you're writing,

do you, is, how much material would you say that you have? I mean, good polished material, maybe 10,

15 at most. Then by the face you're making when you say 10, 15, I'm guessing that it's probably like seven, right?

Like a good seven? I'm talking good seven. Unless you just farted. And if that minute's one of the seven that you're counting, then maybe it's four. Tony, I don't even understand why you even said, did that even happen? Because that's the problem I had with that whole thing. That whole story was so unbelievable. Because no one's going to say, dude,

if you want to get laid, get some corn and go down to a canned food. That makes no sense at all. Out of the seven or ten or whatever that you have, or three, how much of it is made up completely? You're just going for, you're going, you're

using all your imagination. Because if you're not talking about, you're going, you're using all your imagination. Because if you're not talking about real stuff, that means that, what? How much of it? 50%? 100%? I mean, nothing. What do you talk about that's real to you? It's all been absurd.

I'm still kind of feeling it. I'm not doing anything personal yet. Right. Honestly. Right. Yeah. I just wanted to feel it out. It doesn't need to be personal. It just needs to be realistic. Right. Honestly. Right. Yeah. I just wanted to feel it out. It doesn't need to be personal.

It just needs to be realistic. Right. You know? Because this might sound funny as a comic book or something like that. Like you're reading or looking at photos like, oh, dude, this is hilarious. Archie's going to the canned food drive to get laid. But when you're actually saying it, none of us is believing that you're doing it. So it throws us off to being like, this is fake.

So let's figure it out. Where do you work? Where do I work? Yeah? I just quit my job. What did you do? Box office. Box office. Yeah, Geffen Playhouse in Westwood. Oh. That's a big one. Laney, you go there, right?

Geffen Playhouse. There you go. Confirmed by our autistic... Right, yeah. I sell subscriptions and that kind of thing. Dude, that voice. You sound like a pedophile. I feel in my head that's what it sounds. You know what I mean?

It's just that this really just deep, creepy voice. You know what I mean? I'm just like, I bet this guy's got a couple, you know, he's registered or something like that. Can you say the words? I'm going to sell you a subscription. Can you say, need another blanket, little boy? You need another blanket, little boy. You need another blanket, little boy. See what I mean?

Wow, and he even tried. He showed us his pedophile eyes on that one. I feel bad for the people not here. I see why you got fired, because of that voice. You're probably creeping a lot of people out. Laney didn't buy any fucking tickets, you know what I mean? It's a scary voice, bro. You sort of look like a pedophile that drives a pizza delivery car.

Did you order pizza, little boy? Like, instead of having a van, you look like a pedophile that drives a pizza delivery car. Did you order pizza, little boy? Like instead of having a van, you have like one of those things. Is that a baby? Goodness, one of your victims is calling in right now. Oh, geez. What did you do? Okay. So, Marty, so what made you quit?

I wanted to go after this full time because I never wanted to do comedy. How long ago did you quit? How long? Yeah. How long ago? How long ago did you quit? How long? Two months ago.

Two months ago. It's been over 30 days. You didn't keep your receipt so you can't get your job back. So, come on, Brian. Okay. That's a rule in comedy. Guys, don't quit your fucking day job, all right? It takes years.

I mean. There's so many people that have moved to L.A. Like, I'm going to do comedy. And it's like, what do you do during the day? No, I'm just doing comedy. Like, no, you're not going to be. You're homeless. That's what that means. What do you do during the day? No, I'm just doing comedy. No, you're not going to be... You're homeless.

That's what that means. That's fucking crazy, you guys. How many gigs a week do you think you're doing? Anywhere from four to seven. Are any of these paying you? No. Exactly. Guys, don't quit your fucking jobs.

No. Yeah, most of the times comedy actually takes money. You're actually paying to do spots. There's a lot of times where me and Tony, you know, back in the day and stuff like that, would, like, drive, pay for gas to go out there, pay for a hotel to stay somewhere, and then make, like, $150, which is less than what we made to go out there. And that's still, you know, that's what the reality

of being a stand-up comedy is for 95% of stand-up comics. The amount of people that actually survive and live off comedy is very, very small. You could probably write down them all on a piece of paper. That's how many. It's very small. This isn't the 80s and fucking the 90s anymore, you guys. Literally, the way you make money at stand-up now, you create a show like Kill Tony. You're a writer like Tony. You create

things like Brian with the Death Squad Network. You're just an incredible character like Jamar. That's how you make money at stand-up. Stand-up, you do it for the love. You're not doing it for a paycheck because there's no money in it, unless you have a fucking credit. Please, take some acting classes. Go to Groundlings. Take some writing

classes. Don't be Marty. No, I love it. Marty. How old are you, Marty? I think you're going to be great, Marty. I think he's going to be great. I'm going to keep that to myself. Where are you from?

I was born in New Jersey. How long have you been in LA? Like 14 years. Wow. Holy shit. How much of that time was spent at the box office? Six. Wow.

Well, go for it, man. Keep doing it. Go get them, Marty. You know, where do you write? Do you write a lot? What are you thinking when you're writing? Did that make you laugh with the whole can of peas and the cream corn? Like you're painting all this picture. How does one sit down and write that

premise? And I'm a wild motherfucker, but I'm about to like, I don't even know if I can make that shit work. I mean, I know I gotta fail hard and that's the only way I'm gonna learn, so. I would recommend you. You're harsh in the right place. I used to have a joke about uh about an ant fucking a woman I did like the bug you're like the bug fucking a woman for

me on a porno and it was called up the ante but nobody nobody ever laughed nobody ever laughed at that shit so I'll stop doing it. And so now... So now you can take that bit, Marty. Just open up with it and try to follow the wave after that. Nobody laughs at it. I would really recommend just finding what's funny in your life. Be real as possible. Talk about working at the box office. Talk about fucking everything that you're going through.

Talk about the idea of trying to find a new job and putting applications into places. It's way more funnier than some make-believe stuff that none of us are going to buy. Vulnerability sells. And don't give people too much information about stuff that they don't

even need. If it doesn't have to do with peas and creamed corn, then who gives a fuck? It's not even about that. Are you good on Twitter? What do you mean, good on Twitter? Your Twitter handle is the worst tweet. That's right. W-U-R-S-T, like the bratwurst.

Yeah, bratwurst. Do you like bratwurst? They're alright. You want to go back to the pedophile thing? Autistic Patriot, what do you think about Marty Worst? I say his Twitter handle is very apropos. Fuck yeah. Thanks, Patriot.

I think I can only say what Brian said, and that's be real. Because people want to actually hear from you without any bullshit in between. Marty, I love your style. You always look like you're about to cry, and I'm really glad you didn't here tonight. That would have been weird. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. I noticed when you first came up

that you looked like you were about to cry. Had I not noticed it, I'd be very concerned right now because if you cried tonight, that would have been creepier than Mugzilla's walking off thing that he did. Marty Worst, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at TheWorstTweet, W-U-R-S-T. That's all he did. Marty Worst, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at the worst tweet. W-U-R-S-T. That's all one word.

See ya, Martys. Isn't it crazy how this show goes? I almost forgot about that Mugzilla thing. His ship just changed his direction. What the fuck? I cannot believe he did that, by the way. If you knew Mugzilla, you'd be so surprised. He's normally just stoned to the gills and out of it.

He's like that all the time. Really? Yeah, there's a couple of mics I've been to where he does that. He'll just shit on the whole show and then storm out. He'll go right to his van. What the fuck? That he lives in. The drama with that guy.

Mugzilla. We don't need that. Where do you think he's at now? On the patio. Just outside that door with a cup to it. Am I banned? Did I get blacklisted? Did I get banned?

Yeah, let's do one more anyway. Put your hands together for your next comedian Peter Prince Good to see you guys I've known these guys for a long time actually How you guys doing? Do you guys like sports? No I like sports, but only the sports where you put the

ball in the hole, guys. You know, like basketball, you put the ball in the hole. Or golf, you put the ball in the hole. Of course, it's a small, tight hole because it's played by rich people, and rich holes are small and tight because they can afford vaginal rejuvenation. Or soccer, right? Soccer, they put the ball in the hole. Of course, it's a wide gaping hole because millions of people the world over love soccer, guys. They love to put the ball in that hole. They have riots in South America over that hole, guys. Speaking of vagina, vagina's about the size of a business card but it's way more powerful at opening doors

am I right ladies you can show someone your business card you can show someone your vagina waiting for the cat guys waiting for the pussy the vagina where's the pussy there you go it's a minute

there we go thank you guys how's it going what's up Where's the pussy? There you go. It's a minute. There we go. Thank you, guys. Peter Prince. How's it going? What's up? Man. Comedy store. How fun was it watching this guy's face that he was staring at the whole time? This poor guy was just like, stop staring at me.

He didn't want to put the ball in the hole. You're really going with this ball in the hole thing. This is like if you were running for office, this would be your campaign, huh? Yeah, precisely. Put the ball in the hole. You're really going with this ball in the hole thing. This is like if you were running for office, this would be your campaign, huh? Yeah, precisely. Put the ball in the hole. Peter Prins, 2015. Yeah. Okay.

It's good to see you, Tony. Good to see you, Peter. Good to see you, Jamar. This is another guy who we all started with. Yeah. We used to wait in lines together for hours. Me, you, Mugzilla, Eddie Whitehead Jr., Jamar, Brian at times. I stood in line with Jamar Neighbors for Last Comic Standing.

He was right next to me for 22 hours back in 2007 for Last Comic Standing. 22 hours. Come on, man. It's about you. Come on, man. 22 hours. Come on, man. This is about you. Do you have a joke where you talk about looking like Meg Ryan with Down syndrome?

No. You should. Okay. Thank you, Tony. Do you have one about how you look like Gay He-Man? No. No. Okay.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah, you should add that one in the mix, too. I feel like you're roast battling me right now. Do you do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do What's up? What's that bracelet you got there? Are you waiting for a gay falcon to land on it? Precisely. I'm waiting for a gay falcon. Are you a gay falcon?

Are you a gay falcon? Peter, take it easy. Come on to my arm, Tony. Come on. Just kidding around, Peter. Come on. How's things been going? So you're doing stand-up.

Yeah. Having fun. You got a scarf. You still drive that black van? No, I got a nice little sport coupe now. Oh, okay. Peter used to drive this black Astro van with blacked out, like with tinted windows. And it was like, it was matte black.

It was like, yeah, it was weird, though. It was weird. Did you used to live in that thing? I slept in it when I was first doing stand-up because sometimes people first do stand-up, they don't want to have jobs. It sucks. It's true. There's probably half of the people right now

in this room are sleeping on couches or in their car. I can almost guarantee you that. It's true. Yeah. Because when you first start to do stand-up, you only want to do it. Tony was pretty broke. He used to ride his bike from Burbank to

the Improv. Is that real? He rode a mountain bike. That was a long fucking drive. I remember that. Speaking of sleeping on couches, I'd like to give a special shout-out tonight to the brother whose couch I slept on, Donnie Hinchcliffe, right in the middle. And my oldest

sister, Wendy. Wendy Hinchcliffe is here. Triple Hinchcliffe room tonight, everybody. Let's get ready. That never happens. That's like a solar eclipse to have three Hinchcliffs in the same room. Yeah, Moses is totally right. You need balance.

You need to find a way to balance. If you're going to stay in comedy, you need to make a living doing something else until it works for you. Hey, do you do motivational speaking? Totally doing something else until it works for you. Do you do motivational speaking? Totally. You shouldn't. See what I did there? I built a rhythm of a thing. I found my way working for

post-production houses and TV production companies. That's great. So you're making money now, and you're doing stand-up. That's great, Peter. That's fucking good news. Remember when Peter was on Last Comic Standing? No. You don't remember that?

I was on it a couple times. I've never watched an episode of that show. Never? Uh-uh. What would I have remembered had I seen him on it? Peter was on Last Comic Standing, and he had alien... Antenna. He had alien antennas, and it was green, and he actually got through. Yeah.

You were in a couple episodes, right? Yeah, I was in a couple things, yeah. antenna. I wore this antenna. And it was green and he actually like got through. Yeah. You were in a couple episodes, right? Yeah, I was in a couple things. Yeah. Yeah. I used to play with like voice boxes like this guy's doing. Came with a costume. Bam.

There you go. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Do you ever talk about looking like an alcoholic Hulk Hogan? No, no. That's a good one, too. You got three good ones.

I like that. Three good ones. Yeah, it's pretty good. Peter, I love your style, man. Thank you, Tony. Thank you very much. I had fun with you tonight. Thank you.

Have a good night. He's on Twitter at Peter Prins. That's all one word. Peter P-R-I-N-S. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check me out, guys. Have a good night. There he goes.

Fuck yeah. I just said that, Peter. Get off theS. Check me out, guys. Have a good night. There he goes. Fuck yeah, I just said that, Peter. Get off the stage. Check him out. Hey, check me out. Come on, Peter. Goofball. Where are you going? He's got all his stuff with him. Patent leather backpack, this guy. What are you, a fucking cat woman? Alright, everybody.

This is like Kill Tony Where Are They Now edition. It really fucking is. It's never happened like this where I've seen so many people that I actually. Started out with. Yeah, man. It's insane. Okay.

This is the part of the show where we have our two lovely regulars. We have two comedians that do a new 60 seconds every single week on this show. This week will be no different. Put your hands together for your first regular. She has a fun, fun, goofy style. We love her. You know her from this podcast and Dysentery. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

What's up? I know a few weeks I was upset in regards to people who asked for their Tupperware back. Today I come at you from a new direction. I feel like I understand them. I feel like the bitches that are upset that their Tupperware has not been given back to them have not mastered Saran Wrap. Saran Wrap? It's not easy to tear a sheet of that plastic from that spiral it's not easy only moms can do it they're just like it's like a badge of honor it's like yeah no problem got it

done when you get a pack of saran wrap and you take that shit home imagine never seeing seeing saran wrap before you get that shit you take it home you open it up there's just like these metal teeth like a huge jaw and you're like that seems unnecessary for such a thin piece of plastic until you try it and the more you try you realize that this thin piece of plastic is durable as fuck. Alright. Anything else? Is that it? You have anything else? I wanted to say yeah, I wanted to talk

about how it's like the jaws of a piranha but like silver for thin film. Well, we definitely want to have we definitely want to figure out a way to wrap up your saran Wrap bit. I know. It would not be good if it just...

If it just lingered. I love the fucking premise. I mean, you're all over it. I just haven't cracked that. Yeah. You know, the thing that hit me in the first few seconds of you being up tonight, even though you have the same type of tone throughout other sets, which I've heard her talk about every kitchen condiment

and little things and all this stuff, things you barely notice like fucking shower curtain hooks and shit. And you do a great job at always finding out what's funny about that. But I think what's important is to make like human connections with it like when you said that the mom only moms can do it even though the rest of the room didn't laugh i did which means it's hilarious uh and that they were just daydreaming for the for the moment because that that's where the gold is you know what i mean is instead of just talking about having people picture exact objects and things,

you know, picturing people and also what is Saran Wrap like? You didn't say anything when you were talking about how, in the very beginning about how it doesn't ever come off clear. It's terrible. But you do find out why. You don't make any comparisons to what the Saran Wrap's like. I don't really know because I haven't had much time to think about it. Even though I'm very quick,

I don't know because it's that broad of a premise. Getting stuck together. It's like trying to wash peanut butter off your fingers. It kind of sticks on you like Spider-Man. It is very durable, though. By the way, Shank, best dressed woman in comedy. You and Sarah Silverman, best dressed woman in comedy. It's like you and Sarah Silverman,

best dressed. But to your credit about the durability of Saran Wrap, I'll tell you guys a story. My old drug dealer, back when you had to buy weed in California back in the mid-2000s, he used to use Saran Wrap

as prophylactics, as condoms. I've done that once. Exactly. So it's very durable. Does it? It'll keep seaming out of your vagina. Yeah, you use a hair tie. You tell them to take their hair tie off, then you just use it. That's like, oh my god.

Emergency condom. Yeah. So there you go, guys. It's very durable. If you love making babies, try the new saran wrap condom that is open on one side. He told me you had to tie the flap around, but then he started using sandwich bags.

It's a whole thing. Aluminum foil sandwich bags? Yeah, because he'd be like, hey. Because he asked. He's like, give me those sandwich bags. You need to wrap up in the eighth. He's like, no, no, no. Shireen's coming over tonight.

And I got no fucking. I got no magnum. Shireen? Yeah. That is so fucking funny. Shireen. My drug deal was black. So, yeah.

I just really wanted to use Saran Wrap, and I still might be able to, to bridge aluminum foil and Tupperware together. Because I feel like that's the missing piece. So I was very excited. Maybe it needs a little more work. Don't forget that old lady, the wax paper. You know, like that old broad.

I was thinking about that wax paper today. What's that stuff for? No, I don't know. Crayons, grandma. I think it's for baking. Parchment, that wax paper today. What's that stuff for? No, I don't know. Crayons, grandma. I think it's for baking. Parchment, that's something else. It's not for condoms. Cookies or something.

What do you use Saran Wrap for? Nothing. Come on. I'd have to take scissors to Saran Wrap because I can't. I don't have the motor skills to get it out the regular way. It's so fucking hard to tear. You either tear it early, and then by the time you finish it, the shit's all balled up and shit. You've so fucking hard to tear. You either tear it early and then by the time you finish it, the shit's all balled up

and shit, you know? Yeah, but moms are just like, quick. Moms do it like it's some kind of like, what's that sport with the stick and like the flag thing? Baton? Yeah, whatever the fuck that is. Baton curling?

The way that... Rhythmic gymnastics? What is rhythmic gymnastics? That is the fucking Baton curling? Not fucking like The way that You know what I That's rhythmic gymnastics You know what I will give her What is rhythmic gymnastics? You know what I will give her credit for Is trying to make little shit like that funny Yeah it's very hard

It's like fuck Like Brian Regan does that He's like Yeah A bobby pin I'm up there like What the fuck

Talk about these bitches I was making a parody video of Dexter because he uses Ceram Wrap to wrap his bodies up. You could say something about how that's impossible because I tried to do it, wrapping a person's body up with Ceram Wrap in it. It's impossible

because it just would stick to his shirt. There was no way that Dexter could have wrapped all those bodies up. Also Dental Dam. I was thinking Dental Dam, but I was like, there was no way that Dexter could have wrapped all those bodies up. Yeah. Also dental dam. I was thinking dental dam, but I was like, that's not for me. I think dental dam is more for sex. I don't even think it's for, like, wrapping sandwiches. But dental dams,

that's like when you give someone oral sex and you're like, oh, right? Dental dam? I should probably fucking use this dental dam. Oh my god, that's what that is? That's what I use a dental dam, yeah. I've always wondered that. Yeah. Dental dam is one of those things that I've always heard and I've always been like, I don't know what that is. I'm dam? That's what I use a dental dam, yeah. I've always wondered that. Yeah. I just like the name. Dental dam is one of those things that I've always heard, and I've always been like, I don't know what that is.

I'm going to sort of keep it that way. That's really what it is? Yeah, that's what it is, because I learned about a dental dam. It was a bold word in sex ed at Catholic school. Dental dam was a bold word. Yeah. Some girl just said she doesn't know what that is. I don't know about that, because I don't hang out with people with cold sores.

Oh. I mean, I live in Hollywood. All you motherfuckers have seems like. Sorry, crowd. One of four you do. So fucking look at each other right now. Putting balls in holes. Oh, you did a callback. I just felt like it was like the right time, but maybe not.

It worked better for you than it did for Peter. That's the crazy part. All right, Sarah. Well, yeah. Great job. There she goes. Sarah Weinshank. She's on Twitter at PrincessShank. Always a brand new 60 seconds. Can you imagine that? New 60 seconds every week?

Out to the world? No, man. Angela Bowers did it. Your final comedian tonight, the other regular regular Florida Dropout always funny always a new 60 seconds it's Kimberly Congdon everybody

here she is Charles Manson got married today which means he finally got the punishment he deserved Charles Manson got married today, which means he finally got the punishment he deserved. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, and that's because my new guy is really heavy. We've been having a lot of sex, so I guess you could say times are hard.

I'm having trouble figuring out. I started this new birth control. It's called having friends with kids. It's super effective. I think having kids is terrible. It's like the scariest thing in the world to me. Like, if I wanted something that just, like, threw up and cried and ate all day,

I would have just taken care of myself in college. Like I wouldn't have dealt with that. L.A. is super crowded. I feel like we're going to run out of room soon. I feel like if we ever run out of property in L.A., we could just use some of the space in between all the fake titties. There you go. Fuck yeah. Doing it.

Did it again. Another 60 seconds. The space in between the fake titties. That's an interesting one. That's a good one. I love the Manson joke. It's a great topical joke. The two boyfriend ones almost were borderline Jay Leno-like.

I mean, under a lot of pressure. And I also didn't even get the hard times one. You left a pause for a laugh and a couple people laughed, but I think they just laughed because it felt like we were supposed to laugh. I pressured them into laugh. Hard times? We've been having a lot of sex lately, so I guess you could say times are hard. Right, because he has a boner.

Is that right? Jay Little's here. Jay, is there any truth to the fact that there's rumors circulating, Jay, we have them on speakerphone, that you have been writing jokes for Kimberly Congdon. They write themselves. You are certainly right, Jay, they do.

Well, that's fun. I love the Manson joke and the space between the titties. What else is going on? How's life? Life's really good. You know, just hanging out. I rushed here. My hair's still wet.

It's cold. I feel like I'm going to get sick. Bam. I'm still working at the production company doing stand-up. Blah, blah, blah. Now, Kimberly Congdon, by the way, right? Roast Battle champ. Roast Battle.

They call her the Ronda Rousey of the roast battle. Undefeated. Lady killer. Yeah. She takes people down. Her boyfriend cummed in her hair tonight. Shut up. There you go.

So, fuck yeah. You have another battle scheduled yet? She might. Maybe next. We're talking about next week. We're waiting on one more. One week away? We'll break it out tonight.

There might be our first tag team match. Whoa. Next week. But we're waiting. It all lies on her tag team partner. She says yes, so we're hoping she does. Holy shit. Let's get ready to rumble!

There you go. Because honestly, Tony, the only reason we're trying this is because we really want to see you against Jeff Danis and Ryan O'Neal, you and Benji Aflalo. I think that's what everybody in the comedy community wants to see. Yeah, and when Benji and I are done being super-duper successful right now, we are going to make time for that in our schedule in the next couple months. When Benji and I aren't, you know, writing Comedy Central shows. We're going to do the fucking battle again. Benji and I have both done it. Oh, yeah.

You guys are awesome. Jesus Christ. Jamar Neighbors tonight. Kimberly Congdon. Thank you so much. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Lady killer. Follow Kimberly Congdon. Sarah you so much. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Lady killer. Follow Kimberly Congdon, Sarah Weinshank, and the lovely Elise Lane.

The autistic patriot on Twitter is the great Josh Meyerowitz, who held strong the entire night. I thought it was one of my worst. You better suck it up and get a second win, because you're the hype man for roast battle in an hour. There you go. The host of roast battle. One of my favorite young talents in the world, Brian Moses.

I'm so glad you made it on the first time. So much fun. Slaughterfest. The best podcast in all the world. Where can people find you find me at at Rose Battle you can see

where the next battle is and I'm here every Tuesday at midnight right here in the belly room of the world famous comedy show

if there's anybody here who hasn't seen this show you're fucking crazy you're gonna fall in love with it keep your seats now and don't lose them

because there's usually never seats exactly it's gonna be really really tough to get seats as always just call it the fire capacity show.

That's really what it is. One of the funniest parts of the show, many comedians' favorite parts of the show, the Black Wave leader, Jamar Neighbors, right here. Hey! Jamar, you're on Twitter at what? Jamar Neighbors. Wait, no, it's different. It's at A-my-nig.

How do you spell that? A-Y-E-M-A-N-I-G. A fun fact. Yeah, if you want to go on Twitter and figure out how to spell it exactly, just go to all the tweets that I've favorited over the past seven months. He's the funniest guy on Twitter. Absolutely hilarious. Thank you so much, as always, Jim R. Nabors.

Brian Redband. Secret Show Thursday. Rogan, Duncan Trussell, Tony. Denver, Colorado. Denver, Denver, Denver. January 2nd and 3rd. I'm headlining Comedy Works, one of the top comedy clubs in the world. And that's it.

Phoenix, I'm with you in December with Joe Rogan. Come Thursday, everybody. Rogan, Trestle, Hinchcliffe, Red Bay. Live audience. Live audience. Thank you. I love you. We'll be right back. Outro Music you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you