KILL TONY - KILL TONY #83

Episode Date: January 27, 2015

Michael Kosta, Moshe Kasher, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Earl Patriot / Earl Skakel, Brian Redban – Date: 12/08/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Don't forget to check out our website and click on Tour Dates to find out where we're at next. Right now, we don't really have anything on the Tour Dates, but we have a bunch of stuff that's about to get announced. But we're always at the Ice House every Friday at 10 o'clock, and then we always have Kill Tony live at the Hollywood Comedy Store at 8 o'clock. And you can always find Tony Hinchcliffe's dates and times and shirts and merchandise at his website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And don't forget to check out ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including mugs, hats, stickers, and a bunch of crap.

And I have a new shirt that's about to drop is that how the kids say it anyways check out shop squad dot TV alright guys here's a brand new episode of kill Tony and this is with a new audio recorder so please let me know on Twitter if this sounds okay the volumes and everything it should be a little bit better, I hope. Anyways, let me know on Twitter. All right, guys. Here's Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2.

Give it up for Tony. It's Chris. Holy shit. Here we are, everybody. We're doing it again. Episode 82 of Kill Tony. Welcome, Monday. Holy crap-oly.

The buzz is happening. Louie is in another room tonight, and we also sold out. You're not going to stop us, Louis C.K. All right. I'll go up against number one. Let's do this. I'm so excited to have everybody here. I just had a delicious meal from our one and only sponsor, Elyse Lane, everybody. There she is. She's at the Girl with the Pan. Professional gourmet chef ready for hire. She's on Twitter at Elise Lane. E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. She made pad thai for me. Vegan pad thai for the little baby boy.

The people that eat like humans got pork tenderloin, rice noodles, bean sprouts, cilantro, egg, peanut, soy, all underneath the tamarind sauce. Elise Lane, everybody. Come on. So good. I chowed that. Delicious. I got hiccups because of how fast I ate that.

So much fun. I had an amazing weekend. We both did. Just fun. Doing what we do. Normal weekend in comedy. We do the Ice House. We come here.

We run around. We do our spots. And I had a lot of fun this weekend. When I was driving to the Ice House and back, I've been listening to our friend who's performed on the last two shows, Pat Reagan. He has an album called Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit that's available everywhere. And I'm just... It's stuck in my head.

I'm singing it at the top of my lungs. We've had him on the last two episodes. Every time he performs, it seems like a song's going one direction. He ends up fucking his friend Greg's dad. It's always filled with fun, and you never know what to expect, so we're bringing him back. His third time on the show.

It's the great Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is. Yeah. Little music stylings from Pat Reagan. His new album, Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit, available everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Reagan, his new album, Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit, available everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Reagan. Oh, holy shit, I just did it.

I just killed Greg's dad's new boyfriend. Now you will see there's no one but me. I'm gonna be your new boyfriend. Man, I can't wait. It's gonna be great. We're gonna have a wild time. I just might cry. Don't ask me why.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the murder that I just did. Murder that he just did. Cause I'm emotionally distant from the murder that I just did Murder that he just did Cause I'm emotionally distant from the murder that I just did Murder that he just did So don't ask me why I'm crying Cause it's none of your fucking business Greg's dead Knock at the door

Who is it for? Special delivery for Greg's dad You look inside It's nothing but A brand new diamond ring Clinging to finger number four I say I murdered your boyfriend Will you marry me?

You ask me how did he die I say who cares? I say hey Jeff You know I love you more than anything You close your eyes and tang your head. And then you say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You say yes, fuck yes, fuck yes, fuck yes, fuck yes. We make love on the kitchen table And you start to hum a Peter Gabriel song

I'm the luckiest baby boy with basic cable You're my soulmate Fuck Greg's mom Fuck Greg's mom Ding ding dong Fuck Greg's mom I'm a baby boy You're my friend Greg's mom I'm a baby boy You're my friend Greg's dad

Greg was a source of joy But now he is dead And so is someone else You know I just can't help myself I did it all In the name of love Thank you very much. Thank you.

Pat Reagan, everybody. For those of you following the storyline... I don't know if they followed the story on that one. You should give a recap right before each episode. Last week, Greg got ass sex from an older man. What's crazy is that the last couple times, there's been a part where I feel like, I don't know, maybe he gets so excited.

I don't know what happens, but I know the words that he didn't know there in the middle. That's how much I've been listening to his album, how obsessed with it. You've got to listen to this album in order. You did, right, Jared? Unbelievable, right? I'm telling you it's a freaky, freaky

comedy album. And I'm not a big comedy music combining the two. I love comedy. I love music. I like them separate. I think Pat Reagan is the exception and the future. One more time for Pat Reagan, everybody. Follow him on Twitter at Patty Reagan. That's P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N.

A little something. So we have the listeners of this podcast hungry. We have them with songs stuck in their head. And that's not even what the show's about, guys. This is Kill Tony 82, where comedians sign up for the chance to do a minute in front of me and some always funny guests. But we always have somebody keeping an eye on us, a head of security, if you will. It used to be a guy in a $5,000 Iron Patriot suit until he said that he got too big for the show and that until it's picked up by a major TV show, he's not coming back.

By a major TV network, he's not coming back. So what ended up happening, oh, that might be him calling right now. What ended up happening is to show him exactly how replaceable he was. We replaced him with a brand new type of Iron Patriot every week since. This is one of our favorite Patriots that we've ever had, and he's also the damn newest paid regular of the world

famous Comedy Store. My pal, Earl Skakel everybody. Wow. I feel so safe. Get closer. Holy shit. Josh and you sort of have a resemblance. I never really noticed until now.

Josh, get back up there for a second. Get back up there. That shouldn't be a fucking delay, dummy. Look at these two next to each other. That is unbelievable. I've never noticed that before. Holy shit. I'd imagine Josh doesn't quite have the same thing under the shirt that he has

going on. Take it off, Josh. Let's see what you have. No, it's all held together by a Hello Kitty bow tie. I'd hate for that to all get messed up. Big Earl Skakel is with us, everybody. Just fresh from getting passed. Always the funniest.

One of my funniest friends. We're always riffing in the back. The the funniest, one of my funniest friends. We're always riffing in the back. The other night, we were having so much fun, you gave me a bear hug at one point. I thought I was having a heart attack the rest of that entire night. You got a great body, man.

I love touching it. No, it's easily breakable. Not a lot of calcium going on in these bones. How you doing, man? What's been happening? You just got passed. What's next for you? You know,

get that full Iron Patriot outfit so I don't look so stupid. I don't think it's stupid at all. You have one of the best bodies in all of stand-up comedy, without a doubt. Well, that's not saying much. Right, exactly. Since Red Band has the second best body in stand-up comedy.

It's like saying you're the skinniest girl and the biggest loser. Hey. I love it. Well, let's get this party started. We have two of our funniest guests that we've ever had on. One of them's coming back for his second time on the show. The other one, it's his first time.

Put your hands together for the great. You know him. We love him. It's Moshe Ketcher and Michael Kosta. Holy shit. The two funniest MK initials in all of comedy. That's right. I thought you, don't you always book the guests based off of initials?

Absolutely. That's what I thought. Earl, I've got to say that is a true commitment to doing an hour long visual visual based joke on a podcast. It's like cold. I mean, anything beats the house racist. Yeah, that's true. Oh, we miss the house racist. Michael, you've been in you've been up there at a roast battle that takes place here on Tuesday nights.

And I said, I have to fucking get you on Kill Tony. I can't believe it's taken this long. I can't believe it's taken this long. I can't believe you've done 82 of these things. That's unbelievable. I'm always excited to be on anything that's the 82nd one. You're the 82nd funniest comedian in

Los Angeles. Actually wait there's two comedians there's two comedians per thing and I've done it twice so that makes you like the 182nd funniest person in Los Angeles with the name MK. Right. And I'm honored to be here because of that, and especially honored because I'd never seen Earl with a shirt off, and it is a sight.

It is a beautiful sight. I mean, I'm not gay, but you're a good-looking guy. Thank you. I'm not gay either. And thank you both for saying that you're not gay. We were getting very uncomfortable. Is it because I'm sitting like this that people have to say I'm not gay? Do I have to do this?

Does that make it more not gay? To the podcast listeners, Earl has his shirt off. Michael has a dildo in his ass. But I'm not gay. He is not gay. There's nothing gay about it. There's nothing gay about a dildo in your ass that he is... But I'm not gay. He is not gay. There's nothing gay about it. There's nothing gay about a dildo in your ass, by the way. Just so we can really clarify.

Unless the dildo is owned by another man. That's correct, yeah. Or it could be lent out to a woman who's using it pro bono. With bono from U2. The U2, the lead singer of U2. Oh, that bono. Who has glaucoma so he can't tell that you're a man.

I think that's more of a Bono. When you said pro Bono, I thought you meant Chaz. Right. Pro Chaz Bono. Which I am, but I'm not gay. Big Earl, every week the Patriot always asks our guests a question. Anything you want to find out about either one of these guests? Well, you see the gigs I'm booking currently.

Any advice? I've never had to take my shirt off for a comedy gig, so I think you're actually going to skyrocket. When does your name go on the wall? Am I allowed to ask the question back? Yeah. They're going to put Tommy's name in black. Once your name goes on the wall, everything

changes. I mean, literally, overnight. Agents actually come here from the top Hollywood agencies just scouring the wall to see who they can sign. So it's soon. It's soon for you. What's up with your body, though? You know, I'm a very insecure guy,

so I have to work out a lot. Oh, is that what it is? It's weights and stuff? It's weights, cardio, sex. Sex? Cardio sex or cardio sex? I tap out in a minute after sex. Yeah, okay, okay.

As long as she comes. You know what I'm saying? Wait, wait She can come? I learned this recently too I never heard about that I love it Only if I have these gloves on

Obviously we are in good hands tonight So let's get the party started everybody Tonight over 30 young comedians signed up for the chance To do one minute And then talk to us afterwards On a live podcast in front of an awesome crowd it, everybody. Tonight, over 30 young comedians signed up for the chance to do one minute. One minute. And then talk to us afterwards on a live podcast in front of an awesome crowd and a bunch of great podcast listeners. Comedians,

you know how it works. 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Do you hear that? That means your time's up. That should be part of the sound effect. The girl's saying, aw. Aw. One more time, guys. Listen to that kitty at 60 seconds.

Is that what it sounds like when she comes? That's what D'Elia's house sounds like. Don't make fun of the mountain top. You said the D word. And guys, that wrap it up at the kitty, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. It's like standing back. Guys, wrap it up at the kitty, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear. It's like standing box.

There he is. All right. That old bear driving down the PCH into a horse. Yeah. That bear was obviously fucking that horse. Yes. On the PCH. Not gay, though. No, not gay. It was a lady horse. Yes. On the PCH. Not gay, though.

No, not gay. It was a lady horse. I've been there. I feel like you are there. So let's get into it, guys. Doing the first 60 seconds tonight. First comedian goes by the name of Michael Scherzer. Here he comes.

Michael Scherzer, everybody. Here he is. Thank you so much. Isn't it sort of redundant to say that you have a new baby? Like, where are all those old babies hiding at? You know? I told that joke to a girl on the date, and she said with a straight face,

dumpsters. So I asked her to marry me. I don't think that Democrats should be able to legislate guns, or Republicans, vaginas. My reasoning? Shouldn't be able to write laws about something you've never touched with your own hand. I would extend that to say that you shouldn't write laws on subjects about which you're totally uninformed, but that would pretty much put Congress out of business.

Have you guys seen that new show? It's called Last Paraplegic Standing. It's great. You can watch an entire season in just one sitting. Each episode only lasts about 30 seconds. And I feel like any whale could be a humpback if you're brave enough to undertake the challenge. Cool. How's my time? Yeah?

I don't know. Let's end this quickly before anyone sees it. No, I'm just kidding. Now it is. There it was. There was the kitty. Made it through, Michael. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Can I actually ask you how long you think I've been doing stand-up based on that performance? Do you really want me to say that? Yeah, I really do. What would you have guessed? I would say between one and two years. And I think the fact that you ran out of material in a one-minute set speaks to

probably a depth of time in our field. What would your guess be, Tony? Well, my guess, it's weird because he's asking how long I think he's been doing it. Yeah. So that makes my guess a different guess. Going off, if I only knew you from the 51 seconds of thunder and lightning that you threw out tonight, I would probably guess that you've been doing stand-up three to four months.

But since you're asking, I'm thinking this is like when when the Dread Pilot Wesley went up against Vincini and the Princess Bride Wow I can almost remember that reference it's been since in seven months and I didn't necessarily run out of material so much as I was just bombing and want to get it over quickly I mean I didn't necessarily think it was material so much as I was just bombing and wanted to get it over quickly. I mean, I didn't necessarily think it was a bombing. I mean, you know, maybe what does that say about my comedy?

If I don't think about it. I did think it was interesting that what I thought was your best joke got the least response. The hunchback. Not the hunchback whale, but the humpback whale. The humpback whale. I said a year.

That would be a weirder, more conceptual joke of us. Any whale can be a hunchback whale if you're willing to challenge. Like, what? What are we doing exactly? You put a hump on a whale. I like that he had structure and he at least had written, like, it was a structured joke. That's what made me think he'd be doing it at least a year. But you're also first. You're doing a fucking joke. That's what made me think he'd be doing it at least a year. But

you're also first. You're doing a fucking minute. I don't know. I mean, it's... I thought you did pretty good. How old are you? 25 years old. And what did you do before you started stand-up seven months ago, and what do you do for work? I worked in politics. I was going to ask you about that because of your silly little... You took a little

misdirect there and made a joke on Congress. Right. And I like that you went from a dead baby joke, a true classic, straight into a takedown of the U.S. Congress and a Bill Hickson move that we did not expect from you. There's so much crossover between those two, really. Yeah, I see that. It's an interesting left turn. I would almost rather you start with Congress so I think you're like a smart political comic

and then go into a dead baby joke. Right. That would be a more interesting turn for me. Okay. For me. What were you doing in, or what do you still do in politics? I managed campaigns,

but I'm trying to get out of it and get more into comedy. Oh, hell yeah. You got to get away from that low paycheck and into this cash cow. Oh, yeah. You see Earl paid regularly. See how well he's doing right now.

That guy's actually one of your goals. I literally aspire to be him one day. You're already there. Hey, man, thank you. All you need is time on stage because you have the idea of what a joke is, which is actually amazing how many people don't know that we see here. But you know how to do it you just didn't

sell it to me it felt like you're reading a script that you every time you're on stage you could do the same exact way I don't know it just you didn't sell it at all yeah I mean not a lot but like I get up a good amount like three times a week probably and why just three times a week I did you jitsu four times a week oh fuck off yeah prove it motherfucker no okay I'm sorry are you kidding me those jiu-jitsu guys it's funny like the nerdy looking guys that do jiu-jitsu that you'd never would you because you have to right right survival of the fittest it's so funny funny how girls love funny guys

and they love guys that can fight, but how unfuckable you are nevertheless. Would you do my podcast, Kill Michael, where I have 30 brand new jujitsu people come up and do a one minute of jujitsu? Red Man, would you broadcast that? Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

No shirt on either. And I'd totally love to do panel on that. Yeah, I you broadcast that? Oh yeah, absolutely No shirt on either And I'd totally love to do panel on that I'll kill that, no problem Do you think you're better at jujitsu or comedy? Probably jujitsu, I've been doing it for like four years And what belt are you? I'm a blue belt You're a boo belt?

Blue belt He just scares people Boo! Ah! Fuck! I've legitimately never been this terrified on stage before That's so crazy Right now or when you were performing? Like right, well this whole contiguous Like this whole

This very fucking moment From the moment that I stepped up and you called my name And I was like oh my god I'm first Right, yeah that's fucking perfect But it's a good thing to do to a beginner comic Because there is no All we get up there is judged. Right. So really, you might as well get it started right off the bat.

Start burning that soul away, learning how to perform when you're fucking busy. Yeah. And other than the jokes we're making at your expense because we're small, petty people and can't help it, no one's really saying anything bad about your act. I mean, you're right where you're supposed to be. At seven months, that's how your comedy's supposed to be And you're supposed to be Trying to figure out how to get a persona

And be dynamic on stage and stuff And you've got some funny jokes And you just keep going and do it more than three I thought I got the bears Tell me to shut up I deserve that I don't know about you, but I would love to hear him talk.

I only had a minute, so it's tough. But I would love to hear you talk to some jujitsu jokes. Not right now, but I'm saying in your set. Do you have any? What's the quickest way to tab a keg? Rear naked choke. Wow. That's definitely a jujitsu joke.

That's a five percenter right there. That's something you whisper in a guy's ear when you have him in the clutch or something, right? Right, and then he starts laughing and then you're able to sink in the joke further. Sink in the joke. Has anyone done the actual move? Has anyone checked your oil? No, no. But you know that's a move, right?

I know that's a move. I watched the podcast. You want me to stick your finger in their butthole? Why would you do that move? It works. I'm not gay, would you do that move? It works. I'm not gay, but I love that jujitsu move. It's a common soccer play, for real. You know like Italian mud wrestling or whatever?

No, I don't. Dude, you need to spend more time on YouTube, bro. Wait, what is Italian mud wrestling? Show Earl. Show it on Earl's body. You stick your hand and it's right. No, I'm not going to. Oh, do it.

Uh-oh. I just want you to fuck me. Dude, let's do this in a more private location. Fuck yeah. Dude, I just want to say thank you all so much for the opportunity. And Moshe, I really enjoyed that letter that you sent to the women on Fox News. Thank you very much.

Well, there you go, everybody. Michael Schertz are coming in. He's never been this nervous before. I take back what I said about you being unfuckable. I'd fuck you right now. By the way, that handshake thing at the end, let's not make a tradition out of that, everybody. He went for it.

We all did it, but that can't be a thing. I gave him my balls. You need to get a hand sanitizer sponsor up here. Yeah, exactly. Michael Scherzer is on Twitter at sonofSatan. Oh, wow. Oh, jeez. Satan, you know Satan. Oh, wow. Oh, geez. I'm guessing... Satan.

You know Satan. It's like... You had a vegan dinner, bro. It's the stuff you eat where you go, I wish this was meat instead. Right. Are you a vegan? No, but I'm like conscious of my meat intake. Oh, get it.

Wow. There you go. He's conscious of his meat intake, but he's not gay. Just when we thought we liked you, man. I'm conscious of my meat intake. I he's not gay. Just when we thought we liked you, man. I'm conscious of my meat intake. I like you. I like you.

Michael Scherzer, everybody. One more time for Michael. We're just going to keep it moving right along. Your next comedian's name is Stretch SHP. Stretch SHP. Stretch, wow. I didn't get to turn that on. How's everybody doing?

Glad to be here. Before I had comedy guys, I had a bunch of cocaine, because I used to sell cocaine. And as you can imagine, those two worlds are very different. However, they are similar in one way, and that is in both worlds, you lose friends and coworkers tragworkers tragically and suddenly uh the funny thing about it is i was always here i would always hear about it the same way like when i used

to be out on the block something happened and uh somebody be like yo shamik just got busted in the head two times god you know shamik from 212 where it's born he got bust your cats came through on the black land from out of nowhere like i'm coming to get my culture cipher, God, and just let off crazy shots. Dude was lying there like a newborn baby, God. And then I got out of that world, and I'm like, oh, no. I got out of that world, and I got into comedy, and I started making friends and coworkers. And the same thing started happening. I'd be at the comedy store.

Somebody would come up and be like, yo, you heard what happened to Kevin? Yo, he just bust himself in the head two times, God. You know, Kevin from the Laugh Factory, where this born nigga got bust. Yo, depression came through on the black land, was like, I'm coming to get my culture cipher, God. And he just let off crazy shots in his own face. Holy shit.

I'd love to hear what that sounds like. That sounds like you just read rap lyrics. It was. The act out was brought to you by the Wu-T rap lyrics. It was. The act out was brought to you by the Wu-Tang Clan. I was off their first album. Oh, you actually plagiarized the Wu-Tang Clan? Yeah, I did. Oh, cool, man.

You guys didn't know that? Did you? Come on. Stretch, I like your style. You've been doing stand-up a while. We've been doing it together. How long have you been doing it? Four years.

Four years. Yeah. Right. I may be super ignorant, but I don't completely understand the joke. I'm going to be honest. There was a few words. I have no idea what the fuck you said. I started hallucinating at one point.

I got to be honest. You know what it is? I got to be honest. I understood everything you said. I was feeling it the whole time. It usually kills, but like, you know what I mean? I'm from the same street. I'm from Queens and Brooklyn and other boroughs.

So I did. Saying word is born is a cool phrase. So that's awesome. But wait. So, okay. So I get it. Someone got killed who deals cocaine or in the coke game. But then the tie-in, I didn't understand.

Am I an idiot? No, no. When I bought when I bought it back. Yes. Yeah. You're dumb. You're dumb. Straight up.

When I brought it back again as the comic or whoever, you know, I'm saying I might have taken their life. I did the same act out. But I got that. OK, so I again, I may be an idiot. I didn't realize in the second part that the guy, that the person killed themselves, but,

but now it goes because you're saying they both, you both, you lose them both tragically. I get it now. I get it. I get it. I just made it that way. Now,

Earl, you have a character that is very famous here at the comedy store. Big part of the roast battle. Why don't you bring that back right now? It's called The House Racist. How do you feel what would your character say if he was here right now standing next to Stretch

SHP? Well I think you should go to Ferguson and do that joke. You'll walk the whole audience. Okie dokie. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Earl, why did you retire that character? For the podcast listeners. For the listeners at home, those were real gunshots from somebody in the back.

From the actual Wu-Tang Clan. They arrived, shot Earl, and left. Shot Earl. Yeah, from the actual Wu-Tang Clan. They arrived, shot Earl, and left. I thought it was wise of you, after seeing how we roasted the last guy, to start your set off with, I used to be a cocaine dealer. I used to shoot people.

So what do you got to say, motherfucker? I love that he starts off with, I used to be a cocaine dealer. It's personal. It gets your attention immediately. I love that part. It was after that that I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Well, I think it's a pretty long joke, and I tried to squeeze it into a minute. I just wanted to hear what you would say about me using that part as an act out, using the Wu-Tang lyrics as an act out.

Wait a second. What about Wu-Tang? You know I was making a joke, right? He's being serious. That's who we're actually Wu-Tang. The part where I started tripping and hallucinating, that's when it was going on because I couldn't understand what was going on

because he started like, it was lyrics to it. You were really saying rap lyrics at one point? It was part of a skit on their first album. Did you really used to sell cocaine? I did. Okay. All right.

Okay. The whole part. You're allowed to do it. You're allowed to do it. You're allowed to do it. Okay, then. I mean, you've got three out of the four people here didn't entirely understand the joke. So that may give you some indication of how to proceed with the joke. And maybe those are true Wu-Tang lyrics, but a lot of white people may not understand that.

I don't know. Did you guys know it out there that those were Wu-Tang lyrics? Yeah, yeah. A couple people did. Earl did. I saw them open up a rat in 86. From what album is that? Out of the Cellar. Oh, sorry. The 36 Chambers. It's like a

20-year-old album. It's from their first album. I would say that's also a problem is to cite... I mean, you're probably about my age, right? So to cite something that half of the audience doesn't even know is hip-hop music, they're just like, why isn't there a woman singing and a techno beat behind those rap lyrics?

Yeah, maybe do something with a little new music. You guys hear Usher's new song? Oh, the one about the, you can strip and he doesn't care about it? That one? It's about him not caring about the girl stripping. He doesn't care. He goes, I don't mind. You can stay out till three,

come home sticky. All this shit. Actually, that actually would work. You know, both cocaine dealers and open mic comedians stay out till three and come home sticky. So that would work. actually would work. You know, both cocaine dealers and open mic or comedians stay out till three and come home sticky. So that would work. It would work. Absolutely. Black Widow Baby. That's a different song.

It's also out. Stretch. What else? Anything crazy happen today to you? No, that's it. Just hung out with my son. Took him to see Santa for the first time. So you're out of the Coke game. Now you got the baby. Yeah, out of the Coke game.

Been out for a while, four years. Do you ever think about how much Coke you could stuff in your baby's diaper and get away with? Like, you ever think about getting back in the game? No, I thought about it a while ago, but nah. That's when you get caught, I feel like. Like, I got out, I had a successful career, never got in trouble, never got popped, you know what I mean? Walked out on on my own accord and left what's going on in the audience the audience are

People are talking over there and people are getting up security Very and Laney are Who are always here somebody's got to cough. Jerry and Laney are who are always here. Somebody's coughing on them. No cough. If you're going to cough up there, cover your mouth. Fucking Jerry. You'll freak out. He'll stop a show with a hundred people, live podcast.

He's giving them a napkin. Jerry's furious. Earl, do you know Heimlich? Yeah, believe me, I do. Yeah, okay. By the way, if you are choking, sir, just tell Earl, don't look at me because I don't know how to do that shit. Fun fact, Jerry is also the one that never turns off his cell phone. It always rings every single show.

He's got it set to that 70s ringer, too. So it's like a real ringer. Like, ring, ring. Dude, his cell phone's rotary. Stretch, I had so much fun with you. Good job, buddy. Thank you, Stretch. Figure it out.

Word is bond, son. I said it sounded like he was reading rap lyrics. It was a complete joke. It didn't get the laugh that I thought that it would. And then it turns out he was reading rap lyrics. There was like something had uncovered it. He also called it an act out, and it wasn't an act out. An act out is when you use your body physically.

It was more of an accent. Right, now that the cocaine dealer's gone, let's talk about that motherfucker. Now I've got some courage. Now I've got some courage. When Earl was the house racist, he used to say that black people act out all the time. I mean, it was just the character scene, not Earl.

Right. That's true. It's a slippery slope, isn't it? Yeah, okay. Well, I mean, you know, he's playing a character. Wait till he gets his name on the wall. You know, let him get the name on the wall first before we throw him under the... Are you no longer doing that for real?

We're going to play a different character. Got it. Okay. Got it. Okay. Gay Earl? Is Gay Earl coming it. Okay. Gay Earl. Is Gay Earl coming? I might be Gay Earl. I might be, you know, who knows.

I always ask comedians that are on for the first time this question, Mike, so I'm going to ask it to you. Was there anything that you did when you very first started stand-up that you can't believe that you did that you'd be embarrassed? You're just like, wow, what a rookie, goofy move that was.

That wasn't who I was at all. I always ask everybody this. I'm always amazed at who used to do something where they'd take their shirt off and fucking do some dance or something. Is there a big closer? Or just a specific joke? I used to iron my shirt. I used to care.

I thought you meant on stage. No, on stage. Now that would be good. Yeah. That would be fucking good. I think the most common mistake I see from new comics is they will take the microphones out of the microphone stand and stand behind the stand and perform stand-up comedy.

Yeah, that's something we talk about. That is number one always. It's like, if you're going to take. Yeah, that's something we've talked about. I mean, that is like number one always. It's like if you're going to take it out, just move it out of your way. But I have a – I've mentioned this on this podcast before. I've got a nuanced meta-criticism of your criticism. Wow. Which is that so many comedians have told young comedians to move the mic stand that now what I see is people get on stage and they move the mic stand

with such deliberateness that I can feel their comedy teacher telling them. Right, right, right. It happens a lot. It's funny on this show when we do it to somebody here. It's like, well, I always go, how long have you been doing stand-up? And they'll be like, this is my third time ever on stage. And I go, I could tell you didn't move the mic stand.

Always the next person that gets called up, no matter how long they've been doing it, it's just ridiculous. You just hear like they'll hit the thing on the top of the ceiling and then just you hear it just slam down as far perfectly behind them as it could be flick their cigarette on it you remind me of something though when you say the iron the shirt thing because yeah i was the same way when i very first started uh you know yeah i don't know if I, if I thought this

or if somebody told me, like, you have to look professional. Yeah. And I remember I did this contest at the Ice House where first prize, you get some stupid shit, but second place,

you get a side of French fries. Oh, it's comedy festival or whatever. That owner's a flapper. It's something weird where they get these people that are just starting out in comedy and they got me, man.

I mean, they got me all the way. I was excited about this. I took the bus out to Pasadena and I took and I wore a like a crisp fucking shirt with a tie. Like I'm like, I'm going in. I'm going to win this shit. Yeah. Like if you won, you became like a regular.

You got another spot. I know that. But there's a big drop off. Second place, a side of French fries. And I got there and I realized immediately that everybody brought their friends. I think only my brother was there or something like that. And it's all about having you vote on who did good. Sure enough, guess who walked out with a side of fries that night?

Fresh shirt McGee over here. Teal Tony. No, but that's actually first place in a comedy competition. French fries? Second place with having brought no people is the funniest person in the room. That's true. And I didn't know that comedy competitions were that terrible then. But I'll tell you, when you're taking the bus home. With your French fries. With your pressed shirt.

I mean, I have a side of French fries and just a perfect tie and a perfect shirt. I mean, just fucking blades going down the arms. It was so perfectly pressed. I wish someone would have told me as a young comic that the competitions are what we just said they were. The best comic that doesn't bring people. The best comic is the one that usually plays a second because they didn't bring anybody. Right.

And that's always something that I've been against. And even with this show, I've always specifically made a point to never have a winner or a loser or rewards or anything like that. Everybody's a loser that participates. Yes, exactly. Including the guests.

And who will be our next Lucky loser Doing a minute of stand up comedy Goes by the name of Becky Robinson Becky Should be interesting Here she is I'll make the stand out of the way here in a second.

Okay. Hey, guys. How's it going? Sweatshirt says kale, not Yale. So, you know. All right. Anyways, everyone's doing okay. I am pretty new to L.A.

I just moved into this little shanty apartment in a part of town called WeHo. You guys familiar? Took me about two hours to learn that WeHo was just short for We're Homosexual. It's been good. You know, I didn't know if I was gonna like it at first, but I gotta say it's kinda fun being a young straight woman in a bustling gay community. I'm learning a lot, that's for sure. I just turned 23 and I read a lot of inspirational quotes, you know, because I think I'm depressed and shit. And one of them that keeps popping up on my feet is like, you are who you surround yourself with, whatever. And if that's the case, then I'm in for a real treat. Because I saw three gay Jewish men rollerblading down Santa Monica Boulevard last night at 2 a.m.

in sequined shorts and velveteen crop tops. And I took a look. Okay. I want to hear the rest of it. Yeah, me too. Keep going. What's that? How does it end?

Is that it? I looked up at him and I genuinely thought, I aspire to be those men. I'll tell you what, Moshe. We should not have gone rollerblading last night. By the way, it was one Jewish man. Michael's not Jewish at all. You could confuse him for one. How?

He's tall and handsome? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I am anti-Semitic, though. Really? Yeah. I am anti-Semitic, though, so does that... Really? Earl's uncircumcised dick just got hard. Where did you move to WeHo from? Brentwood?

You're from L.A.? I'm so white. You're from L.A.? No, I'm from Portland, Oregon. Oh, okay. Stop that. How did you... Don't apologize.

Before we get into saying how good you were, how did you know they were Jewish? They went to dinner. I don't... The rollerbladers? I had a feeling. You said they were Jewish, all three of them? They look Jewish.

Really? Right by Bar Lubitsch. I don't know. Just curiosity, what does Jewish look like to you? Here we go. You're being recorded, Becky. You're being recorded, Becky. Yeah, because I've always guessed by smell.

Yeah, hell yeah. Smells like gold, bitch. Becky, were they stopping to pick up dimes off the street? Is that how you knew? They were carrying little buckets of matzo ball soup. Yeah, okay. Becky were they stopping to pick up dimes off the street is that how you know it's weird how you have a different voice on stage than your normal voice but whatever you like it wasn't doing Julia Child yeah Is it that different? You definitely overdo it and I noticed it. Do you know that you do that? Is that a conscious

thing? I didn't until recently and people started coming up and being like, Hey, I'm Becky. Hey, guys. And I was like, I didn't get it. And now I guess that's what it is. I actually strongly disagree that you overdo it. I think you have a... No, I didn't say you overdo it.

I just said I notice it's more over... You do it more when you're on stage. I thought that it was the thing that we were talking about in the beginning. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. Did you get... I don't mean any insult by this, but I was trying to place what it was.

Is that someone else that does that kind of little voice? I'm wondering the same thing. Because I thought it was like a very deliberate, decided persona, which is very difficult to have and to come up with, but it felt also very familiar. I was both impressed and I thought that perhaps...

Maybe that influenced her in some way. I don't know. Maybe it is. Is it like a Hicks? Molly? Is it like a Molly Shannon kind of? I've heard Sherry O'Terry. Or Sherry O'Terry. That's who I met.

Sherry O'Terry. That's what it is. I've forgotten that. Yeah. If it's Sherry O'Terry, then I don't think it even matters unless you're deliberately doing Sherry O'Terry. But if it's like Sebastian or something. I was trying to play.

I was going through the... You know what I'm saying? Who's your favorite comedian? I do love... I'm Italian. I don't know. I do love Sebastian, but I didn't know who Sherry Oteri was. When people came up and they're like, you're like Sherry Oteri. I googled her and I was like, oh, fuck. Do you like John Caparillo too? Very nice.

I'm just trying to get to, I feel like you're of a, both those guys have very super strong personas on stage. Super strong affects on stage. I felt like you do too. I liked it, but I felt like you stole it. Well, I mean,

I no longer feel like you stole it, but that's what I'm saying. I think it's just kind of a combination of watching a lot of comedy, and I like to do characters, and I wear a lot of wigs, and I think that it just kind of explodes on stage. And when you're new, your influences are so prevalent. But if I may say something, which was I was very comfortable watching you perform, which is great because you laugh when you're comfortable.

You know what I mean? So I thought your stage presence was fantastic. I have never heard the word homosexual before. I was kind of surprised. That really genuinely made me laugh.

I wasn't, it was almost one of those jokes that's so good, you're like, that must have been done before, which I hadn't heard it, but I don't know if that's true or not,

but your stage presence puts me at ease, which was great to laugh at. I think you just got to keep doing comedy more. I think what me and Michael are saying is we think you stole your persona

and your material. And can I add something? You also stole the joke of your shirt at the very beginning because you said this is kale. Unless she designed that shirt.

This is so weird because I feel like I need to say I thought you were delightful. I thought you were really funny. Especially for how long you've been doing it. I don't think you should drop the persona. I don't. Unless you know. I wanted you to say, oh yeah,

I do this. And then I'd be like, aha! I found it. But since you don't have that, I think keep doing that. I think it's really engaging and really funny and that WeHo joke is, yeah, I agree. It's almost like, I can't believe that's not. I can't believe that we've never heard that before. It's really funny. Where were you when you thought of that? I was stepping out of my like I can't believe that. I can't believe that we've never heard that before. Yeah. It's really fun. Where were you when you thought of that?

I was stepping out of my shower. I'll never forget. Tell us about that. You know when you just think about things when you're like washing the dishes or stepping out of your shower. Sure. We don't wash our dishes. I know you don't. Yeah. But when you think about things, you're like dripping like the shower.

Yeah. Like you're not dripping, like the shower is sort of moist. You're not on your period, right? You know when you're all soaked up and you just have a thought and you're like, I could do that. Oh, you know when you're all soaked up and you're not on your period? Becky,

are you single? Because Earl is and he lives in WeHo. Yeah, I'm single, but that's okay. Oh. Come on, would you ask a male Yeah, I'm single, but that's okay. Come on. Would you ask a male comic, are you single? Tony. It's boring. I'm not trying to get my male comic friends fucked, except Earl.

She's too young. I like them a little older and beat up. Yeah. Well, there you go, Becky. Come back again soon. You were great, Becky. You did a great were great, Becky. Thank you so much. Becky Robinson on Twitter. All one word. She's the only Becky Robinson.

Earl just handed her his business card. I like that. Funny and nice. Yeah. Good. Bright future for Becky. Yep. Heck yeah.

She just moved to WeHo. Earl, you've lived in WeHo for a while. Have you seen anything crazy lately? Well, people ask me if I've ever seen the movie Philadelphia. I'll tell them if I want to see a guy dying of AIDS, I'll just go to Ralph's. Set me up for that. I love it. Which one?

The one on Sunset there? Or the one down on West no the one Santa Monica just east of Robertson it's like yeah sure

that's the AIDS Ralphs that's the AIDS Ralphs watch out for the cucumbers you're saying somebody would do something with a cucumber and then put it back with a cucumber

no someone with AIDS that's what we're doing Jesus that really is a dirty Ralph. Guy's dying of AIDS. He leaves his apartment. He goes to Ralph. Takes a cucumber into the bathroom. Fucks himself with it.

Somehow also gets blood and other particulate on it. Puts it back in the pile of cucumbers and says, welcome to Ralph's. While slicing your new open wound so that when you grab the cucumber it all goes full circle. I think the prom king just walked in. They have a sale on T-cells.

Heck everybody, prom king is here. Prom king! What's up? He's got the carnation. Can I order another beer from somebody who's listening? Do I do that into the microphone or do I do that? That makes for good podcasting. Josh is all over it. No, it really does on this show.

We love it. We encourage it. I would like a beer for Michael, please. I pulled all over it. No, it really does on this show. We love it. We encourage it. I would like a beer for Michael, please. Yeah. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Jessica Wellington. So have you guys ever been to Walmart and just wondered why? Me too.

I was actually shopping for underwear, though, and I'm wondering why don't they have a larger selection, you know, of sexy underwear for big women? You know, because they don't. It's fucked up. That's why I came up with my own invention. I want you guys to try this at home. What I like to do is just take my sports bras and flip them

upside down. Just step right into them. That's right. Let it simmer because it's a visual. I think just recently I could start calling myself a comic because the best comics come from childhood trauma and tragedy. So I was thinking back. I was like, shit, my dad was an alcoholic, my mom was a crackhead, I was raised by the trailer park.

But now I know that was just a long-term investment. You know? But it was recently, my car was repoed, my bike was stolen, my purse and my iPad were ripped off. So I'm fucking excited, right? It means I'm like one gangbang away from my HBO special. That's right. Thank you.

Wow. I didn't want to meow her. That's amazing. Somebody really stole all that stuff from you? Oh, yeah, it did happen. Was it Becky Robinson? She stole everything, this chick. Was it Becky Robinson?

She stole everything this show. Jessica Weller. She stole your persona, your material, and Jessica's iPad. And her motorcycle somehow. And a sports bra. Becky just killed herself in Stretch's joke. Let's get to the gangbang. So I thought this was really interesting because the first comic

we were saying, Persona is something you develop. And then the last comic, Becky, had this very hyper-accentuated Persona. I feel like you've got your Persona down and it's really you. Totally. It's probably you times 10% or something like that.

Probably not quite that gruff all the time, but it's part of you. Totally. It's probably you times 10% or something like that. Probably not quite that gruff all the time, but it's part of you. And I just thought that was really cool. You've been doing comedy a while? Three years in January. Where at? Sacramento. I just moved here. Oh, great. Well, welcome. You didn't list that in your list of horrors you've been through.

You spent your whole life in Sacramento? No, I'm originally from North Carolina. Oh, wow. How long were life in Sacramento? No, I'm originally from North Carolina. Oh, wow. How long were you in Sacramento? Three, four years. Three and a half years. Wow. You worked at Punchline up there?

Yeah, Sacramento Punchline. Yeah. And you said somebody... Next to a mattress shop. Yeah. That's literally next to a mattress shop. It really is. And you have to walk by the huge mattress shop

to get to the comedy club. And it just makes you a little bit tired every time. I once went through the... It makes you really want to lay down. No matter if it's before the first show or after the second show. No matter what, you're just like, look at all this fucking mattress. It's just a beach of mattresses. I once went through the drive-thru at the Starbucks in the parking lot of that comedy club.

Always packed. Yeah, always packed. I was getting a drink in the drive-thru at the Starbucks in the parking lot of that comedy club. Always packed. Yeah, always packed. I was getting a drink in the drive-thru and the guy, the young dude who worked there was like, oh, dude, cool tats. Where'd you get your work done? And I was like, I didn't get any work done. I just have really, really

hair. I was like, I don't know, God? That would be a cool tattoo, though. That would be a cool tattoo. I was similar with Becky. I was totally put at ease with your performance. You're very comfortable with it, which I loved.

I loved all your jokes. The leather jacket works perfectly. Thank you. And yeah, I thought you were really good. The act out was funny and it was also funny because you actually maybe no one else can see this

but me you actually do step like side by side of the actual mic cord it gives a nice sports bra impression I enjoyed that very much thank you

I appreciate it this was an honor I love you on stage I didn't want to even hit the meow button I could tell that you got that shit this shit already figured out

and you're just gonna fucking destroy that. Thank you. Oh, goodness. Yeah, definitely. Something very Roseanne-esque. I love Roseanne. My dog's name is Rose. She's Roseanne when she gets

in trouble. Holy shit. That's awesome. That's cool. That first joke, you ever go to Walmart and ask yourself why? To me, that's as classic first joke you're you ever go to walmart and ask yourself why that's like to me that's like as classic a joke as you could have i mean yeah and i like i just need something to hook some quick you obviously have a really strong understanding of simple comedy fundamentals which is fucking get them quick take your time right i mean everything real yeah you nailed it and exactly be very real and you're finding the things that are real about you that are also original.

I can't remember if I asked. When you said store your bike, was that bicycle or motorcycle? I actually do ride a scooter, but this was an actual bike. Bicycle. It may be funny to go through the list of all that terrible shit and then admit that you ride a scooter.

That could be funny. Totally. I usually give a little side note that don't accidentally say gang rape because gang bang is fun. Oh, yeah. Maybe I won't do that anymore. What do you do for work?

This is it. I get VA disability. That's it. That's what I live on. And then I'm trying to make it. Is that the veterans? Yeah, I was in the Air Force for six years. Get the fuck out of here. It's an American hero. Holy shit. Well, I fucking

love your... She's a real patriot. Yeah. I think you found your new security guard. Hell yeah. I love it. She's hip, too. She could be like the irony patriot. I mean, I got a little joke for you, but it's a rape joke. You might not want it.

There's a huge problem with sexual assault in the Air Force. Yes, it is. It'd be funny if you were like, there's a huge problem with sexual assault in the Air Force, but for some reason, I for some reason I was fine. I was fine. No, it's true,

because these girls were talking outside, and they're like, I'm so tired of getting hit on here. Oh, my God. And they didn't even look at me. And I was like, oh, Jessica doesn't get hit on. Don't fucking talk to her.

Like, I wouldn't relate. Well, also, but also, no, I'm not saying you're not hit on a bolt, but that is another dimension of that joke. Yes. But also, you look like you could beat the shit out of an attempted rapist, so. It was that too. But also, you look like you could beat the shit out of an attempted rapist. I bet you could.

So what did you do for the Air Force? Ammo? Oh my god, sweet. It's like a starship trooper. You were ammo? They would shoot you out of fucking cannons? They do that? That's how bad the sexual assault problem is with the Air Force. I knew our budget cuts were bad.

So you would load ammo? No, we didn't load it. We actually build it, we test it, we store it, we send it out to the flight line. Everything but load it. That's Air Force? Yeah. Is building ammo.

We're like the only department that they have. You know they shoot missiles off of the airplanes. They don't just fly around and go like, hey everybody, shoot them, shoot them. We're the Air Force.

You're going to be really pissed off when you see the bullets that are coming. You're going to hate the Marines, but we're real cool. Nice act out, everybody. Good job. That was really good.

Always. So is this rude? May I ask how the disability happened? I have arthritis. I have... That's good. That's not as cool as I was thinking. Yeah, but somebody just guffawed in the back.

Right. She's explaining why she has her medical marijuana card or something. Somebody's just like, oh, I bet it really hurts. Yeah, bad arthritis. Oh, and I can't sleep at night. I've got post-traumatic stress disorder. Yeah, have some respect.

I would definitely talk about being in the military in a longer set. I would love to hear more about that. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but just so you know, I would love to hear more about that maybe you do maybe you don't but just so you know I would love to hear more about that please keep signing up for this show and doing new minutes on here Jessica holy shit great sometimes I'm free if you guys need me to open up for you at any moment oh she's got a bunch of openings opened up Now you're pushing it okay Jessica Wellington We just found a new

Monster She's on Twitter at the duchess underscore 101 The duchess I wasn't expecting arthritis I was hoping something cooler than that Think about what she did She built ammo all day long Doing little tinkery things

You who go forward without that ammo Think about what she did. She built ammo all day long, doing little tinkery things. You who go FOD, without that ammo, innocent Iraqis could not have been bombed. Thank you. I fucking love it. It's a fun one. It's a perfect way to move on with a big joke like that. Whoa, okay

I actually remember this guy He was on a few weeks ago And a week before that Interesting, new, brand new Dusty Lester, everybody Here he is It's going to take him a minute to walk up here Dusty Lester, everyone. Good to be at the Comedy Store, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I just

came here from Knoxville not too long ago. And is it just me or is parking in the state of California way too expensive? I remember when I first moved out here, I was homeless living in my Jeep, and I had to wake up every two hours to put money in that damn meter. And I remember one time this dude just got done writing me a ticket, but I was too broke to pay it, so I had to go chase him down. I was just like, hey, hey, hey, sir, please don't give me this ticket, okay? I promise I'll move my vehicle. And I'll never forget what that guy said to me.

Sir, can you please just put some pants on? I had a great holiday. This past holiday was amazing because I didn't have to spend it with my family, so that was just absolutely incredible because my dad claimed that's it yeehaw dusty Lester everyone what did your dad claim tell us more I just can't get enough of it so you're at Thanksgiving what did your dad say no I was just gonna talk shit about my dad cuz he wasn't here so where were you gonna oh he wasn't there yeah or he's not here so i was gonna talk a little you shouldn't invite him over to your house car like i i i i i i thought you were gonna go more into that like the idea that you have the cheapest rent i mean like your

rent costs seven dollars you know compared to whatever hundreds of dollars because there's a lot to that there's so many people I know that actually live in their car and had to do this exact same thing. I don't think they really go into the idea of having to wake up every two hours. Well, that's because our friends don't, the ones that live in their car don't park where there's meters at. Oh, yeah. That's true.

I mean, you can pretty much park anywhere you want. You could be at P.F. Chang's all night if you wanted to. Right. Is it a true joke? Yeah, but I'm not homeless no more. That's right on, man. That's good that the youth of today are picking themselves up, but that's not what I was asking about.

Did you really park at meters? Sometimes I did. And to Tony's point, why? I'm from the South. We're a little slow. But I did think what... I thought that it could be a good joke, actually, which is, you know,

it turns out it's not the most expensive parking in the world. You know, you got to look on the bright side. It's the cheapest rent in the world. There's some sort of flipping thing you could be doing. I got evicted. It was street sweeping day. You know, something like that. Yeah, and you could get reactions like we just had

from that. I fucked a girl in my basement or Beck's trunk. I fucked a girl in her trunk. Actually, my trunk. And her ass. Boom. It's all you, Dusty West. And also,

I fucked someone. It turned out it was a tranny. I mean, the actual transmission. out it was a tranny. I mean the actual transmission. Yeah, not a tranny. I fucked a tranny. The actual transmission. I put my dick in the tranny. But it was LA, so I ended up fucking a tranny. I mean my transmission.

Dusty, what kind of car were you living in? Jeep. So it's a fucking... At least it's American made. You're more of an American than that Air Force person. Jeep. Ooh. So it's a fucking... At least it's American made. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you're more of an American than that Air Force person. Pop the top off on that Jeep, all of a sudden your house becomes a patio.

It wasn't one of those. All right, next week, Dusty, we'll teach you how to not step on a professional comedian's line. You son of a bitch. There's a question from the audience? Oh, wait. Oh, wow. Look at this.

It's an aggressive question from our friend, Chicago Open Mikey and Ellis. What's his name? Tony, ask Dusty where he's living. How did he get there? Shit. Oh, wow. That was a genuine shit. You know, that was an acting chops.

The question was, Tony, ask Dustin where he's living and how he got there. Right. Dusty, where are you living and how'd you get there? Well, I was homeless for three months. And one day I was walking down the street, and I saw this big house up there. And I walked past this house, and this is at the point where I was hungry and shit,

and then all of a sudden I was just like... I asked this guy, I was like, how do you get to this house? And then, to make a long story short, he turns out he was a... Wait a second. You asked a guy that was was like, how do you get to this house? And then, you know, make a long story short, he turns out he was a... Wait a second. You asked a guy that was on the same street as you while you're looking up at this majestic house? No, it's a big house on top of like Laurel Canyon or something like that.

Right. And you're walking around on the street on Laurel Canyon? Yeah, I'm trying to find how to get there. Where was the Jeep at? It was like way down the street. Is this the plot of that Liberace movie on HBO? It's just like TMZ shit, right? You're asking a random person how to get to a random house.

Is that right? I think I got it. Wait, wait, wait. We're still taking our time here. You're not going to get to speed through this as fast as you'd like, Dusty. Probably not. What was the plan? Like, before you got there, I'm saying when you talked to the guy, what was in your mind when you looked at the house?

Oh, it's a house. And then you looked at the guy, you go, oh, it's a guy. What was the plan? What did you say to the guy? You go, how do I get to that house? Which question am I supposed to answer? The question you should be answering is how do I not be lippy to these professional comedians?

Just kidding. How about any of them? But anyway, make a long story short. No, we're not making the long story short. There is no long story short. Jesus Christ. I have eight fucking minutes until we get to the next part of the show,

you son of a bitch. Here we go. Are you ready? Yes. So you're walking down a street. You see this fucking house up on a hill. You're starving. You're sweating.

There's fucking vultures flying around you and shit. You're like, you're about to be done. You're starving. Organs are playing in your head. You're about to be done. You're starving. Organs are playing in your head. You realize that you should have drank more water on this day. What draws you into the house? It's just a big house.

What draws your eyes? The dude was outside with his dog. Outside of what? Outside his house. Oh, you're in front of the house. Wait, hold on. You're in front of the house. With his dog, yes. Wait, hold on. You're in front of the house and you say to the guy, how do you get in the house? Hey, homeowner. How do you get

to the fucking house on the hill? A different house than where the... Yes. Can we use this to kill somebody? I think we might have to use it to defend ourselves in a few minutes. Okay, so you're asking the guy who owns another house

how to get to another house that's higher up in the hill. Meanwhile, you're not even driving. You parked down below, so you're going to walk up this hill yourself instead of taking the fucking Jeep that you live in. And why did you...

That one I can't really explain. That sound effects a little bit rancid. And why not ask the guy who was at an actual house, or can I please come into your house? They wasn't outside the house. Don't talk to us like we're crazy. Stop that right now, Dusty.

I mean, we also have to keep in mind... We're starting a Dusty Chan in the poor people section. We all slept under a roof and had a meal today. He was a fucking homeless person at the time. I think this story actually ends with him having a beautiful, cushy bed with an older benefactor. Check the oil. So what did the guy say when you asked him how to get to the house? I don't know.

That's what he said. I don't know. Okay, so that's the end of that part of the story. We show what got into detail. By the way, that's a part of the story that would have been edited out of the movie. Yeah. Wait, but do you remember when everybody was laughing, though? Yeah. Yeah, so that was why we did it.

Yeah, that was great. Was this how you met Louis Anderson? No, this is not how I met Louis Anderson. Okay, so. Anyway, the dude's real nice to me. Overly nice. What dude?

I bet he was. This guy. Shit. Wait, the house guy? Yes. The guy you just said you wish we hadn't talked about for this long? Yes. We ended up talking. We ended up going to lunch and he ended up giving me a place to live and he's gay and he's a producer for a major TV show and I

now work special effects on that bitch. What? Those aren't special effects, Dustin. That's real. Dustin or Dusty? Doesn't matter. But they're the weirdest fucking producers. Oh, you think? You think random people who accept random boys into their home or

put webcams in your room and all jack off together in powdered wigs. I'd say they do. Have you ever gotten to sit on the toilet and you realize he's just sitting there already? No, but one time, seriously. One time. One time I got up. I got up at

5.30 in the morning and you know how when you wake up you have morning wood? No. Well, I woke up and I forgot these gay guys were early risers. Oh, totally. I had this big ass... Oh, amen, amen. By the way, it doesn't even connect. Oh, yes.

I know. That is classic, classic stereotypes about gay guys. They love house music. They rollerblade, and they be like, Is it dawn? I am getting up to suck some more dick. Right. That stereotype is true. By the way,

I love that you made a Morningwood reference and then you said early riser and you didn't connect how the two were funny at all. Complete accident that he made the funniest thing he's said up here since he's been here. Total accident.

I got to acknowledge the fact that obviously our new storyline producer, Ian Ellis, is in the middle of the room with his hand up for yet another question. I got to ask what that question is. What happened when he found your boxers in the bathroom? Dude, no, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. What happened when he found your boxes in the bathroom? Dude, no, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. What happened when he found your boxes in the bathroom? I was going to tell a good story that's not like...

No, you're going to tell that story. Shit, man. What you think is a good story and what Ian thinks is a good story are two different things. This stopped being an episode of Kill Tony. Your mom does not have the internet, bro. This stopped being an episode of Kill Tony and started being does not have the internet, bro. This stopped being an episode of Kill Tony

and started being an episode of Get This Open Mic or Fired. What happened when you left your boxers on the floor? I don't want to say it, man. Dusty, you have to. Come on, we're going to close strong. They're not going to watch this, Dusty. Come on. Okay, well, I was upstairs.

I just got done watching a video. What kind of video? The good videos. Okay, okay. Special effects videos. Oh, you were watching a live feed of the closed circuit camera that's in your bedroom. Yes, exactly. Yes, and anyway, something somehow got in my pants. Oh, exactly. Yes. And anyway, something somehow

like got in my pants. Oh, God. What are you saying? Just fucking tell the story. What are you talking about? You're not going to get us hard, dude. Yeah. What are you trying to do?

What happened in your pants? The shit stands. I came in my pants. Oh, God. Wait. Oh, you're watching porno and you came in your pants. I came in my pants.

Oh, yeah. Which I usually take my pants off when I watch porno, but that's up to you. No, but you know. It always solves that issue if I watch porno, but that's up to you. It always solves that issue if you do. I don't believe this anymore. You know the stereotype about how straight guys jerk off with their underwear on.

Laundry day. You do a lot less laundry if you take your pants off before you came in them. You know why they do that, though? Because they don't have time to take it off because they got up so late. Yeah, they got up so late, they're running around. So, Dusty, you're walking around in the gay producer's house.

You got cum in your pants, so you're basically like a guy swinging fucking raw meat around a shark tank with your cummy pants. You're walking through the kitchen. He starts sniffing around. They're always awake. Well, they're doing poppers.

You know what I mean? This story's already unbelievable and we haven't even gotten to the end yet. Please tell me what happens now. He was going to get in the shower after me. How do you even know that? Like behind you? I feel like we all

know how he knows that Because it was his cum in your pants My own cum In my own pants This is the most fucked up thing I've ever said in public Okay so he knocks on the Hey honey I need to take a shower Yeah almost like that

My cum detector is smelling That there's Cum in your pants. Oh shit, there it is. Gay guys have cum detectors. Sorry, I'll go ahead. So he's taking a shower behind you. He walked in the shower behind you.

He just goes, Dusty, I'm going to take a shower. He goes over to the kitchen sink and starts washing himself. What happens next? You're licking him clean. Dusty, it's time for my shower. Pay your rent, bitch. Pay your rent, bitch.

How do you like that Kush sound effects job? Eat my ass, Dusty. He's like, what do you mean, how did I know he was going to take a shower? That's how gay men shower. They have straight homeless men lick them from head to toe. Dusty is basically his house cat that just licks them clean. All right, Dusty, what happens next? Make a long story short. He spoons my cum from my boxers into his mouth.

I mean, just to get to the punchline of the thing, I guess that's what happened. He was hungry. He'd been up a long time. Okay, Dusty. If you don't say something, we're just going to keep killing. This is why I...

Okay. So he came in. Where? Yeah, came in. Where? He came in the bathroom. In your ass? He came in the bathroom. He got my underwear. You're in the bathroom now?

Wait a second. Why do I feel like that original guy from down the street is going to reappear in this story any second? This is why I don't take... I see you finally found your way up the hill. Jay. This is why nobody walks in L.A. So wait.

It leads to this shit. So he comes into the bathroom and he grabs your underwear? After I leave. And then he grabs my underwear and I'm in my bathroom and I turn around and I'm like, what are you doing? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You said you left. I left, but I turned around and then looked at him.

Do you know what? Leaving? I left the bathroom, and he went into the bathroom, and then I turned around. And saw him in the bathroom. Yes, and he grabbed my underwear. So you leave very slowly, hoping something fun will happen. Sure. Okay.

Yeah. You turn around, and you see him like Gollum, like, me precious. Pretty much Right Pretty much Pretty much And he grabbed your underwear And what? Underwear And licks my cum

Out of my Oh Fuck you Kim Kim Kardashian. This episode's gonna break the internet. This is the one. Wait. Dusty, we're gonna make you a star, my friend. And you're not gonna even have to lick us clean or anything.

Wait, hold on. Did you catch him in a moment of, like of horny, like, uh-oh, or was he just making eye contact with you while he did it? Use the microphone, dude. It kind of had an aggressive, like... Whoa. Oh, my God. Wow, and he did one of those?

He did the bring it on? Yeah. The fucking Razor Ramone gave you that? Wow. Bring it, Chico. Dusty, how did he know you had cum in your pants? You said something. No, he just grabbed it.

Does he always do that? Does he always grab your underwear? No, he doesn't. I don't know if he does or if he doesn't. He's been doing this for 90 days. This was just his lucky day. Finally, I licked it and there is coming. Did he spit it back in your

mouth? No. He's a swallower. He's a swallower. Have you been with a man before? No. Bullshit. We don't care. I'm just curious. Dusty Lester, everybody.

There he goes. Thank you so much, Dusty. Dusty. Dusty. Someone was kind enough to throw their gum at Dusty from when he told that story. So we have gum on the stage right now.

Too bad it's not his cum. I would have licked that right up. Who would throw cum on a stage right now. Too bad it's not his cum. I would have looked that right up. Who would throw cum on a stage at a comedy club? I don't know. Someone was kind of grossed out by the cum-licking thing. Somebody needs to be slapped. That's the dumbest shit I've heard. Did somebody really throw gum at him? It's right down here.

Have some class, you fools. Yeah, have some class. We're trying to tell a story about a weird pedophile eating that guy's cum. Yeah. Some some class. We're trying to tell a story about a weird pedophile eating that guy's cum. Some goddamn respect. That's why I don't live in the hills. I much prefer to live... You don't get this at the Laugh Factory.

You're damn right, Earl. By the way, it was Andy Dick the whole time. It all makes sense now. Oh, god damn. Man, that was a crazy story. Dusty Lester, I fucking love you. Thank you for moving to LA. He's at Lester underscore Dusty

on Twitter. Or at Pig underscore Bottom. He's available there as well. Oh, god, I love it. Guys, this is the part of the show where our two regulars, every week there are two comedians who do a brand new minute each week, which is very exciting and it's always fun. Your first comedian going up tonight, she started here on this show

and has been doing a new minute every week since. Let's put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. What's up, guys? I think it's really weird when people have faces that don't match their names, you know? Like a really hot guy named Vladimir. Super weird. It's like

such a turn off. It's like I knew I had a really really slutty friend. Really slutty. Loved dick. Like would purposely eat food shaped like dicks. Like bananas, cucumbers, chocolate covered in dick. Like everything.

And her name was Hope. Which was really weird because she looked more like a disgrace. She was nasty. She was like... I feel like everybody has that girlfriend they don't share straws with. You know, because...

Because one in four straws has herpes. Okay, that's it. There it is. Yeah. 57 seconds of thunder. She did it again. How many seconds were left? Three seconds were left.

That's good timing. These two, they know what they're doing. New Minute every week. That's great. It's always exciting to watch. That's like locked in stuff right there. I like that whole thing. Thank you.

That's fun. Disgrace. That's funny. I love that. That was very funny. Maybe there's other names in stuff right there. I like that whole thing. Thank you. That's funny. Disgrace. That's funny. Maybe there's, I love that. That was very funny. Maybe there's other names too, right?

Disgrace. Disgrace threw me off. It needs a three. Oh, disgrace. Well, no, disgrace worked for me,

but there's gotta be more names. Make it longer. Even more. Hope works and then disgrace. And you, you know, I don't know. I'm,

that's why she's going to write it. Totally. I mean, is that a real name, though? Hope? No, Disgrace. No, but no. I wanted it to sound like, I was going to say her name was Hope, but she looked more like another name,

but I said a Disgrace. Well, we all kind of knew you were going somewhere like that. So I should do something else? I don't know. I think of a different name. That's what has to happen. You have to do something. But if she looks more like a Kardashian or something like, you know. Like, you don't want to do that. But, you know, like.

But also I thought in the beginning. I thought that's what you guys were talking about. In the beginning when you're like. When someone's face doesn't match their name. Like an ugly guy. Or a beautiful guy named Vladimir. Which I kind of feel like that's a beautiful name. So I don't know. Yeah, that's a tough one.

But anyway. Or. And then I thought maybe there's some sort of racist thing that you could do. You know what I mean? I'll give her that one. I don't know exactly, but you know Seems like Bob's an ugly name, right? Bob's a terrible name. It's not just about them being ugly and hot. It's also about them

you know, a black guy named Chip and then a really racist zinger at the end or you know, a Mexican woman not named Mom or something like that. Or there was this like a white guy named Barack or

this is a brand new minute so my thought is just flush it out even more because everything is there but the foundation I think is really funny. You can literally look up synonyms for disgrace or anything negative or bad and find a more real sounding, like it could be a name, even though it's not really a name type of thing.

But it could be funnier to, not Kardashian, because that's overplayed, but it could be even funnier to just use a name that is disgraceful, that is the pop culture that isn't. Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby, yeah. Or like a woman. Or I was thinking like, or you could go in the opposite direction, which is not a name at all. Like, you know, her

name is Ho, but she looks more like... The main character from Black Snake Moon. Yeah, something fun like that, but also you know, cum-guzzling curb whore. Yeah, exactly. And then my friend named him cum-guzzling curb whore. You know, that classic Swahili name whatever it is you know I thought of a guy's name

that's never a good looking guy Dusty Lester he's totally good looking you think so? you should let him move in with you he's definitely good looking I am a little hungry he looks better from behind anyways You should let him move in with you. Yeah. He's definitely good looking. That's why. I am a little hungry.

He looks better from behind anyways. Fuck yeah. Well, fun times, Kim. Great. Thank you. Great job. Good job, Kim. Kimberly Congan. She's on Twitter.

Kimberly Congan. Always fun. I just had this thought. It'd be so cool if they both got really big and famous, but they still kept coming on. They're like world headliners, but they still come do their minute. That's the great hope, exactly. Wait, hope. Are you talking about her

friend, or are you talking about... That sounds like the great hope. Sorry, that was disgraceful. Boom, double call back. Ridiculous. Like a real cum-zzling curveball. But then you get the laughs. Unbelievable.

Going in the opposite direction of funny. Our only other regular. Put your hands together for everybody. It's Sarah Weinshank. Cum guzzling curveball. I just want to get that out. If you think that i'm normally annoyed and pissed off then you're in for a real treat tonight because i'm getting over a rash a full body rash which is fucking disgusting imagine being annoyed in general and then being itchy non-stop. Like a dog with fleas.

Pair that with the holiday season. While I was driving over here and scratching myself, Feliz Navidad was playing. Over and over and over again. And I didn't even know if I was going to make it to do my minute spot. I got a shot in my ass, and Feliz Navidad was playing. There aren't any other lyrics to that except Feliz Navidad. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. And then it just goes into it again.

Holidays, okay. Is there anything else? Were were you gonna say something else is this real real rash yeah is it internal yeah what happened i don't know they think it's a food allergy maybe it's from a dressing like a magician's assistant you know what's great that's why you never go to the magic castle you know what's great? That's why you never go to the Magic Castle. You know what's great about that joke, Tony? It doesn't even make sense what you were saying. How do you catch a rash from that? But it was so wonderful.

It was wonderful. We so delighted in making fun of your outfit. But it's also very bold to have a full body rash with a skirt that short. I figured I'd just distract and do what I could. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to do my rash material because that's what I'm working with right now. Are you allergic to anything? I don't know.

I have to go to the allergist, everyone. Whoa. You seem really pissed off about that. You thought you were superhuman and you can't possibly be. Because rashes are disgusting. I'm allergic to peanuts, certain peanuts. And if a girl eats peanuts and squirts on me, I get a rash from it.

No girl has ever squirted on you. By mistake. One time I slept with a girl at Dr. Grin's Comedy Club in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I swear to God. In the hotel room. No, not the bartender. I woke up in the morning and she was still there and we opened the curtain and she had this crazy

rash all down her leg. She was like, no, it's just this thing she had. I was like, that fucking scared the shit out of me forever. You been through that too? I Lysol'd myself in the shower after a girl left. Lysol. Anyways.

Like imagine she saw me through my curtains as she walked to her car. Lysoling yourself? Just Lysoling full. What's more disturbing? A woman seeing a male lover Lysoling himself

or you seeing your benefactor eating your gum out of your box? I don't know. I've used mouthwash on my dick just as a last resort. Yeah. What? I've poked my finger into hand sanitizer and then on my dick just as a last resort. I poked my finger into

hand sanitizer and then On my dickle? I think it's really funny. The rash thing is really funny. You look really put together and it looks really nice but then to talk about something so terrible It's really honest and really funny.

I felt like it needed a you thought it started to sound like they were saying fleas Navidad or something like that I wouldn't say the fleece thing I would just move that police Navidad thing up like you had us when that's playing and like you painted a picture and that seems Frustrating and that songs repeating itself And then when you say the part about how it's just police Navidad and we want to miss you Merry Christmas from the very bottom of our heart You have to get that out pretty fast because we all

fucking know the words and you're just getting through it anyway. Right. You know what's at the bottom of my heart? A goddamn full body rash. Right. Exactly. And how you're frustrated and you're hearing the same thing over and over again and you're thinking about how somebody wrote that song and they're getting residuals on that every time

it plays and you have a fucking rash and you don't know why. You're worried about the ringworm working its way into the bottom of your heart. And you're not making any money and how are you going to pay your Magic Castle membership dues if you're not making any money?

It's a second Magic Castle joke. Which is also in the Hollywood Hills, which is interesting because the producer makes Dusty Lester wear that same outfit on Saturday nights. Can I ask, Sarah? Yeah. This is actually the third time I've done this, I think. Maybe even fourth.

And the first time I did it, I gave you some advice to go to some alt rooms. Have you done that? I'm working on that, actually. When's the last time I did it? I did it more than a year ago. Is that right? I just really think that would be the first time with Russell Peters, I think.

It was like a year ago. We get it, dude. It was a better guest. We get it. I'm fucking right here, dude. I've done a few. I've done Echoes Under Sunset. Yeah. I've done like a few. I've done Echoes Under Sunset.

Yeah, I just feel like your style is so... I'm not saying don't do the store. Do the store. Do all the clubs. No alt comic should ever not do clubs because then you just turn into a weakling. But for your style, it's just so built for those kinds of rooms and I really feel like

being around other comedians like that would sort of engender you making more and becoming more creative. And I really think it's a good idea for you. I know I look like this, so it sounds like I have a dog in this fight. You're also talking about a guy who very well crosses over to both. So he knows both these rooms so well. So I think that's really good advice. You should be doing as many spots as you can.

There she goes. Funny again. Sarah Weinshank. We did it again that's it episode 82 of kill Tony is now over the great Earl Skakel everybody is on Twitter at Earl Skakel EARL SKAKEL Michael costas at Michael Costa Mike Costa anything else you guys want to promote most by my album fuck. It just came out two weeks ago. Thank you. Okay, come see me in San Francisco.

Just go to my website. I got all kinds of crazy dates coming up. Chicago and Nashville and San Francisco and all kinds of stuff. MotionCaster.com. MotionCaster. That's Kimberly Congdon and Sarah Weinshank are regulars. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm Brian Redman, and that's Earl Skakel.

Special thanks to our live audience. And Josh Martin. Love you, Josh. Stick around. The Ding Dong Show is up next. Uh-huh. You stopped me with none, huh? We got more. you you you you you