KILL TONY - KILL TONY #88

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

Anthony Jeselnik, Ari Shaffir, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Ian Ellis, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 01/12/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Go to our website, check our tour calendar, and you'll see that we're at the Ice House every Friday. We have a 10-15 p.m. show. So go to IceHouseComedy.com or just go to our tour date calendar and click on the link. It's a big comedy show, and that's the show that we film the Ice House Chronicles on. It's always a comedy show, and that's the show that we film the Ice House Chronicles on. It's always a good packed lineup, so check it out at the Ice House in Pasadena.

This Wednesday, Death Squad comes back to the Comedy Store for the Death Squad Secret Show. Scheduled to appear Mike Young, Jeff Ross, Billy Bunnell, Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, Tony the Golden Ponyony Hinchcliffe, Burt Kreischer, and myself.

There should be also a couple of secret surprise guests. It's going to be a great time. Tickets are on sale, and they are going fast this Wednesday at the Comedy Store. Also, we are coming to Vancouver. Tickets and information are coming soon, but we'll be there for four 20 bro. Uh, so keep an eye on the calendar for the links for the tickets. And me and Tony are coming to San Francisco on May 12th at the punchline and

May 13th, the Sacramento, all of these can be found on the tour calendar at desk squad.tv. Just click on tour calendar. Also, don't forget to go to Tony's website, Tony Hinchcliffe.com to find out all his tour dates. He's touring a lot with Rogan lately.

He's got a lot of stuff going on and he's got some merchandise. So check it out. Tony Hinchcliffe.com. And don't forget last but not least shop squad.tv. The official merchandise of the death squad universe, t-shirts, hats, hoodies, uh, a lot of stuff selling out quick. So if you haven't got anything, get it now. Uh,

some new items should be on there very soon. And that's shop squad dot TV. Now I'm sorry about, uh, last episode's audio quality. Uh, it was a problem with the new audio recorder that we just started using. We found out that you have to hit stop when you're done and wait like 30 seconds before you pull up the memory card or it just corrupts the file. So that was like a one time thing. So back to regular quality audio. So enjoy this episode. Here's a brand new one of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2.

Give it up for Tony! It's great! Hi, everybody. It's Tony! It's great! Hi everybody, it's me! Craziness! It's good to be here everybody, another happy Monday for Kill Tony. Very excited to be back. Where comedians get to do a minute in front of me and my funny friends every week. And we talk to them.

And whatever happens, happens. And crazy shit happens. So welcome live audience to this crazy show that's where you guys clap that's where you guys clap proving to our podcast listeners that there's an actual live show happening here our sponsor elise lane came down sick today hopefully not from food poisoning um she's the gourmet chef that cooks for us every week, but she's not here tonight, so we miss her. The Buckeyes are playing in the National Championship game, the college that I dropped out of many years ago,

which is very exciting for me. That's happening right now live, so thank you, live audience, for abandoning that game and being here with us in this cozy box tonight. So let's have fun, shall we? What's going on? Anything you want to talk about before we get it started?

Anything good? No, let's do this. All right. We have a musical guest every single week that has played a new song every week for us. And we have him back again to get you guys in the rhythmic mood. Put your hands together for musical artist,

one of my favorites, Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is. Back again. Here he is. It's Pat Reagan. I'm pumped to see this face again on this stage. Hey, it's been too long. And I came out with a completely different energy.

I'm like, what's up, everybody? Okay, but I'm, okay. Oh, fuck. Okay, here we go. I just feel awkward because they just saw me, Tony. I just got off the stage to light applause. And now I'm coming back with a completely different professional, polished, together energy. I'm going to put on a show for these people.

And I think the contrast might be a little off-putting. I love it. I think this is what I love about spending Monday night in a creepy belly room, is that anything can happen. And when great minds come together, crazy shit happens. And that was Patricia Regan. That wasn't Patty Reagan. Yeah.

We don't know that Patty Reagan. That's good. That's a good point. For those of you listening to the podcast wondering what we're talking about, in the last couple weeks we've had Pat play a few songs before the show starts. And then when the show starts

we bring Pat up again and then he plays a brand new song. Yes. I'm ready, Tony. You don't need to keep stalling anymore. I'm sorry for taking the time up at the beginning of this great podcast. Pat Reagan, Tony. You don't need to keep stalling anymore. I'm starting to take the time up at the beginning of this great podcast. Pat Reagan, everybody. Guys, this song is about a spiritual journey I went on.

Not so long ago. I tried to pray, but I don't know what would hear me. I looked all around, and I saw no spirits near me. I studied the sun, but the sun was not my father. I gazed at the stars, there were too many to even bother. I stared at your face, but your face, it wore no meaning I felt no holy grace No benevolent force intervening And so I've decided to start worshipping Satan I've sworn my allegiance to his prickly red balls.

He's the fiery prince of all darkness. I fucking bow down before him and say, I say, hey, baby boy, I am yours. Baby boy, I am yours. Satan instructed me to find a Lebanese family

And befriend them Then Satan said I should loan them some books by Graham Greene And I was like, Satan, my friend What if this family doesn't like Graham Greene? And Satan screamed, I don't see how that could be possible. No mortal beast could resist his lean prose. He's a wizard of words and a champion. I fucking bow down before heaven's gate.

I say, hey, Graham Greene, you are my king. Graham Greene, you are my king. You are my king. Let me suck your dick. Then Satan cried and I asked him why so tearful. And he replied, I am pure, unfiltered evil. There's more to me, more to me than what you've seen. me than what you've seen.

I love poetry. It make me cream of my jeans. And so I've decided to stop worshipping Satan. He's a weak little bitch who's obsessed with Graham Greene. I've decided to follow my own path. It's a path that is filled with fat blondes. And sexy ass blondes. And my sweet Prius. Fuck yeah.

He came in without the most confidence. And then he comes in and he crushes that ho be a poet. Pat Reagan. He's on Twitter at Patty Reagan crushing with another new song. Coughing. He's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Crushing with another new song. Coughing. First time he hasn't

forgotten his lyrics through the song. Maybe you should complain about how you think it's not going to work more often before things... He came out and he's like, this is a complete debacle. Everybody hates me. Then he crushes. What you podcast listeners can't see is that the audience

is right now carrying Pat Regan on their shoulders. Stroking that huge hog of his. He's already back in the green room with coke and strippers. For those of you listening to only the audio, not the video version of this

podcast. His butt looks hungry. We just got word he's on a limo to heaven. Alright. Josh Martin is right there, everybody. The little weaselly producer. Usually negative and grumpy, but tonight he's hustling around as always.

Guys, every week we have a head of security that keeps us safe from anything that could possibly go crazy during this show. He's never had to do anything in the 90-some episodes that we've done. But here tonight, a brand-new patriot, used to be a crazy man in a $5,000 suit. We've replaced him every week to show him exactly how replaceable he was when he quit the show with a brand-new person.

This comedian doing it for the first time tonight is one of my favorite newer comics that I've seen around here originally from Chicago and he's been out here a few months and left a real impression on us so why not make him the patriot here he is everybody Ian Ellis everyone at Chicago

open mic on Twitter made some amazing art and he's suited up that fits you perfectly fuck yeah open mic on Twitter. He's made some amazing art. And he's suited up. That fits you perfectly. Fuck yeah. Alright, hi Ian. How's it going? I'm the first Patriot shaped like Big Hero 6.

Fuck yeah. 0 for 1, Patriot. 0 for 1. Pretty good. I see the lights are out today. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah, buddy. Well, thanks for doing this. You excited about tonight's episode?

This is going to be great. I love the guests. Let's do it. Me too. So let's bring them up. Ladies and gentlemen, I always have two of my funniest friends on. This one, unbelievable. I'm really excited about this.

Two of my favorites. Put your hands together for Anthony Jezelnik and Ari Shafir. Yeah! Here they are. Fuck yeah. Welcome. Ari. Thanks, Tony. How's your team doing?

They're doing really good. It's 28-20 right now. Fourth quarter. 13 minutes left you gotta feel like positive about that yeah i feel really good about it how's uh who are you rooting for in this i'm rooting against you and your team and your interests you're right yeah so i'm rooting for not ohio state your pure hatred pure hatred drives it and i was at a party earlier and they all agreed for the lack of for the feeling joy. Well, you and all of them are losing right now.

So just soak that in, you fucking loser. Because that's what's happening as of right now. But anything could change in the next 15 minutes. We could all pray that Oregon wins if we all want to take a moment of silence. You could. If you wanted to be giant haters, then you guys could do that.

Anthony Jeselnik, your first time on the show. Last time on the show. I think it's great that people would come to see a live podcast of people watching TV. Yeah. It's happening right now on a first. I'm pretty sure we might break the internet tonight or something like that. I don't even think we have

the internet. I don't even know how this is happening. But yeah, we do have the game here that's just playing just for us. So sorry, guys. Hey, Tony, you really get people here now, huh? Yeah, it's fun. It's turned into a crazy thing. Look at all these dumb idiots. Right. A lot of these people told me

earlier that they went to your tapings of this is not happening. Really? You're about to find out what 0 for 2 feels like. Every week our Patriot has a question for our guests. Patriot, why don't you fire it off. What do you got tonight? Anthony Jeselnik, you've had a very successful career imitating

Jimmy Carr instead of developing an original point of view. Jesus. What is your favorite sketch in the new season of Amy Schumer? Oh, my God. This is an out of line. Start to finish,

I would have problems with that. I don't have them run these questions by me. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes this happens. Yeah, I don't know. I wasn't prepared for this. Did you really have a question? No.

You seem like you should be asking a lot of questions. Fuck yeah, you went for it, Ian. What do you got for Ari? You went for it. I'll give you that. In one question, you managed three different offenses. That wasn't bad Alright, you You accidentally gave a girl a facial You have a festival that revolves around the supermoon

You applied to be a paid regular here over 30 times Before you finally got to take your special here I didn't apply, bro I don't know what level you're on But there's no application process You fell out You just stand up and do terrible comedy and get rejected like everybody else.

Why are the Cowboys so bad at football? They're not bad at football. That was a catch. He caught the ball and he was making the football play towards the goal line. He was done with it. He had the ball and he was moving on. I feel like we got different questions.

Skills are a little bit weighted on that one. Well, that's Ian Ellis. I'm pretty sure he signed up to do a minute in the bucket too, so maybe he'll end up performing in that suit tonight as well. But let's do it, guys. Comedians, you get a minute.

Comedians, you know your minute's up. That's 60 seconds when you hear the sound of a kitty. And don't run that light, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. Okay, got shot at the end. All right. So let got shot at the end. All right. So let's get this thing started.

Your first comedian tonight doing 60 seconds and then talking with us about anything, who knows what, your first comedian is Chandler Raper. Raper. Chandler Raper. Topical. Got a good name for comedy.

First time we've had Jeselnik on, and he already draws a raper to the eyes. Do you think Raper's his real name? I think so. How y'all doing? I'm really sick of all these commercials trying to make fat women feel better about themselves. A bunch of pre-diabetics in their underwear with the message of, you're beautiful just the way you are. And the Special K commercial is the worst.

These women are getting fitted for jeans, and the tape measure says shit like, beautiful, strong, radiant. They need to redo that commercial, but this time the tape measure says stuff like, working mom of three eats her feelings. Okay, seriously, you should see a fucking doctor. I'm a little pudgy myself, so I think that gives me the right to talk about fat people. One girl told me I wasn't fat enough. I say, if Blake Griffin can get away with saying the N-word, I should be able to talk about fat people.

I'm at least as fat as he is black, if not fatter. Thank y'all. Fuck yeah. 55 seconds of Chandler Raper. Most importantly, seven more points for the Ohio State Buckeyes during that. That's it. That set made me really happy. That's game.

34-20 Ohio State now. Who gave a shit what you talked about during that? I didn't hear a fucking word. Sorry, Chandler. Do it again. So I have a question. How many commercials like that are you seeing? When you said all these videos are fucking you up.

Well, those are the two specific ones. The Kmart one? That pissed me off. Where are you from, Chandler? Alabama. Alabama?mart one? That pissed me off. Where are you from? Alabama. Alabama? What part? Northwest Alabama.

Northwest Alabama. I suggest you go back to that. I don't think there are a lot of rules in comedy. I would say almost no rules. Very few rules. But I would throw never talk about commercials Into that rule book Question we were wondering Before you made it to the stage Is Raper the real name?

That's the real name How come? I think last names come from whatever your Ancestors occupation was Wow Tell me you've got a bit about that Tell me you've got a bit about that. Tell me you've got a bit about that. I don't. Holy shit.

Get the fuck out of here and write it. I haven't been doing it very long. I'll get one for you. Make it an act out. That's got to be the first. Yeah. It's so true. You have immediate homework after this.

I'm on it. No doubt about it. Do we give compliments, too? You can do whatever you want. I would say an impressive stage presence. This is not an easy thing to do and not go first, I think, too. You handled that well. Yeah, definitely.

So your dad's a raper, too. From a long line of rapers. And his father's father was a raper. Yeah. Like you guys are, I don't know, like all made without fucking consent. It's not as sexy as they say. I was made from rape and I'll give to rape. Right.

What's your mom's maiden name? Victim. Perfect. Holy shit. Do you have any children? Yeah, one. So you have a baby raper. It's a girl.

Holy shit. That'd be interesting. It's already written. Your homework's done. Yeah. You have a kid? Are you married? Yeah How old are you?

27 Damn bro Yikes She just married four Four? Wow Too late for the abortion A little bit

A little late What does your wife do? She works at a restaurant Wow. Too late for the abortion. A little bit. A little late. What does your wife do? She works at a restaurant. Put all your eggs in that basket, my friend. Oh, shit. Ian Ellis, what did you think of Chandler Raper? You ever hang out with a raper before? I'm dying to meet Cosby.

Fuck yeah. There you go. Your girl's going to be a girl Raper, and girl Rapers are the toughest of the Rapers because they match style with whatever the other word is. Aggression.

No one's saving you here. Damn it. Stop turning your head towards me. Chandler, how long have you been in L.A.? Since April this time. Three years before. You quit and started over? Yeah, I went back to Alabama.

That's where my daughter was born and my wife's from here. So we moved back in April. Back to here. Okay. I've never seen anybody quit and come back. Oh, I've seen it come back, but they only last two weeks after that. That's what rapers do.

They don't just stop when it first gets hard. Yeah. You've got to just fucking keep being aggressive. They won't take no for an answer. Yeah, exactly. Can't let anyone tell you that you can't do what you want to do. A raper goes out and takes it. Exactly. Can't let anyone tell you that you can't do what you want to do.

A raper goes out and takes it. You're a true raper. Hashtag Jezebel for this one. Hashtag what? Jezebel. All right. Sure. Okay, there you go.

For all you hashtaggers. Chandler, it was fucking nice meeting you, man. There you go. We talked with you. Good job, Chandler. That's how it happens. You're in the early lead. I tell you, you're in the lead right away.

He's got a new killer four-minute bit out of nowhere. Chandler. No, don't really do a bit about your last name, though. You have to. No, you should not do that. You should not do that. It should be the first thing out of your mouth. Absolutely. As long as he's a real raper.

If they introduce you as blah raper, you have to talk about it. All anyone is thinking is, what the fuck did they just say? Yeah, maybe on that level. It's like how you sort of, when you started, had to acknowledge that you're Jewish after people brought you up as Ari Shaffir, disgusting Jew. Right. I would have to say something about it at that point. Yeah. You have to acknowledge the name a little bit.

Anyway, keeping it moving on. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jeremiah. Just one name. Oh, yeah. Jeremiah. It's probably. Oh, yeah. It's probably the right music for this. Jeremiah's probably a folk music type comedian, I'm guessing. Could be.

The Joe Baez of comedy. One name. One name says it all. Jeremiah, everybody. Homestylings of Jeremiah. What up? How's everyone's night going? Good, I hope.

I'm at that age where you start losing... Tragic things start happening. You start losing more and more friends to blown-out pussies and broken wallets. Talking about babies. Totally forgot what I was going to say next. But concentrate on the good seven seconds you did memorize. Don't let that go away. Thanks, Ari.

They forgot the rules of engagement, though. Pull out, big red button. And if those two don't work, I finally realized why you get a small dog first. Chew toys and stares. I'm joking. But what's not funny is when your woman's friends start having kids, shit turns into a biological game of dodgeball.

Shit. And you're the fat kid that keeps dodging the same question over and over again. When are you guys going to have a kid? When's your turn? Shut up, bitch. You're the one with the ugly baby. Dun, dun. Find it.

Finding it. There you go good thing he didn't remember anything else but I must say Jeremiah you are the funniest high school football coach I've ever had on this show was that your first time yeah first time

first time doing comedy you can applaud but I still don't think you've been on stage your first time. I wouldn't count that. Still not? Yeah, no one ever has to find out about this. It's not like it's a podcast or anything. Can we pretend this never happened? Heck yeah.

I wish. What made you want to do comedy? I've always been thinking about it. What do you do for work? He's the bad guy on Happy Gilmore. Shooter McGavin? Yeah. I used to work for a railroad.

Wow. Where did you work? The 1700s? Yeah. What did you do for the railroad? I was a conductor. Holy shit. Why would you walk for the railroad? I was a conductor. Holy shit. Why would you walk away from that?

I got busted for weed, so they wanted me to do rehab. They don't let you smoke weed when you drive a train? I don't know. That's the shitty part. How'd they catch you? Were you just laying on the horn? No. That's the shitty part.

How'd they catch you? Were you just laying on the horn? No. Well, the messy thing is my partner is, though, like, messed up and ran through a switch, so everybody has to get a piss test. Oh. He fucked it up for everybody.

What was he on? Nothing. Oh, what? What a dick. Did you ever smoke and drive the train? Like, was that a thing that you'd do? No, no, I'd never do that. It's pretty dangerous. Why? Because you might go left accidentally? Like and drive the train? Was that a thing that you'd do? No, I'd never do that. It's pretty dangerous.

Why? Because you might go left accidentally? Like, what the fuck? Yeah, there's no turns to make. Have you ever, when girls ask you what you do, do you ever just tell them that you're a conductor? And they think that you might be an orchestra conductor, and then they find out that you were working on the railroad. That's a fucking true story too.

Working on the railroad all the live long day. What's the craziest thing you've seen on the railroad driving out there? There's a lot of suicides. Have you ever seen an Asian man die while hard at work? No. No. They buried them.

So you've always just worked on a railroad? That's your one job? Yeah, well, that, construction. When you're being chased or are chasing someone on top of the railroad car, what's the best method of jumping from train to train? Just don't look down. Don't look down.

Okay. I like that. Fuck yeah. Bigger fear, Ebola or people running alongside on horseback? Probably Ebola. Hell yeah. Good answer. You got nothing?

You just nodded? That's a good real answer. Yeah. Where are you from? California. Just moved to LA. What part of California? The desert. Whoa. High desert. Wow.

Ian has a question over here. Have you had any encounters with boxcar hobos? Yeah, a couple times. That was scary as shit. Really? Yeah. They make you clean your own train? No. We just hook up the train, but sometimes they'll just come out of nowhere.

I had one just walking around in the middle of the night. I was like, oh, fuck. Have anyone committed suicide for real in front of you? No, I never got the chance to let that happen. Is that your biggest regret? Yeah, because that would have been at least something to get piss tested for instead of not.

They used to shoot us with rubber bullets because we, as kids, I lived by a train track and we used to always like put like G.I. Joe's on there and like tape them down so they get squished and shot us with rubber bullets. Really? Yeah. All guys are crazy. Yeah. What? Wow.

Is it true that you think black lives don't matter? No. Well, then good luck in comedy. They do matter. Well, Jeremiah, it was fun. You spent your first time on stage with us. Yeah, it really sucked. You have any questions or anything?

No. Very good, Jeremiah. Remember the mic stand. Since you used to work on railroads, I wish I could tell you that you're on the right track. It's really tough to do in this situation. If you work hard and you can figure out

some way to do the opposite of what you showed us here tonight, then maybe. I was somewhat prepared but on the way up here I was like blank. Well, I'll tell you this, man. It's so much more fun to go for it and get to try something than to be a giant pussy. So you got to have fun up here with us tonight.

So thanks, Jeremy. The biggest thing is just be yourself because you weren't yourself when you were doing it. You were just trying to remember all your fuck. Yeah, just be yourself. The guy that spills beer all over himself. But you could tell you were just memorizing and trying to think of it instead of being like,

hey, what's going on? What are you doing today? And that's the biggest thing because it was really awkward listening to you because you could tell you were just trying to remember everything, almost like a script. I would actually pick someone better than you and be them. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Well, there he goes, everybody. Jeremiah. He's on Twitter at BlazeGeek. That's his Twitter handle. Unlike Chandler. By the way, Chandler Raper is on Twitter. Chandler Raper.

He's that guy. Chandler Raper was available, and he got it. Have you ever followed a raper? It was available. Jeremiah is BlazeGeek. For those of you that want to be raper followers. Anthony, a question that I always ask new guests when they come on is, is there anything that you ever did when you very first started that you can't believe you did? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. My first time on stage ever was actually in this room. In the belly room. And it was like one of those classes you take. And at the end, they have like a ceremony. Was it Barnhart's class? Greg Barron. No, not Greg Barrent.

Greg Dean. Greg Dean, yeah, yeah. And I remember like killing, like being like, oh, I know how to do this. I'm going to be great. And of course, my next time I bombed and I had to like learn it. But I went back and watched that tape like a year ago. Full-blown fucking panic attack. I was like watching it.

It was totally different. Like apparently, I don't remember this, but I had a huge, huge Dennis Leary influence. Really? You had a panic attack watching it? You had a panic attack watching the tape? Yeah, watching it. It was so bad and so awful. I was pretty green.

I was pretty nervous. But I remembered everything. How about you, Ari? what was the question anything you very first did when you started that you can't believe that you did oh yeah

I remember when my special came out on Friday paid regular Friday at Comedy Central midnight what was the question again available at arishapir.com I think that was the answer to all Available at arieshapir.com.

I think that was the answer to all the questions. Yeah, no, we had this awards ceremony, the Scoomies. Remember the Scoomies? Did you ever go to those, Justin? Yeah, once. The Southern California open mic. I don't forget however it went. But me and Brett Williams did this whole piece together,

and I was so excited about how good it was going to be. I called Bob Oshak in, who I really looked up to. I was like, you'll want to see this. Oh, it was just like 14 minutes of horrible. And since we were together, neither one of us knew how to pull the fucking cord on it and just say, this isn't working.

Let's just stop. God, I still feel bad about that now that I think about it. Does he still talk to you? Yeah, he does. Did the show come to a halt quite as much as you just made this one come to a halt? Yeah, it was like that. Ian, how about you?

Anything crazy happen your first time starting out? Not my first time. I think the worst joke I tried to do was something about if you want to learn how to go down on a girl on her period, you should suck on pennies while you tie a cherry straw in your mouth. It was just horrifying. Yeah, that's really bad. What's more horrifying, that or right now? Having it not work on a bigger platform.

I love it. Let's keep the fun train moving along, guys. Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Scherzer. Brian. So apparently there is a war on drugs in America, I've heard. And checking the scorecard, safe to say that the government is losing. Which, to me, means only one thing. Charlie Sheen is winning.

I feel like if ants had to... Yeah, that happens. I feel like if ants had to self-identify with a nationality, they'd be British. They spend basically their whole lives waiting in line, and you put just a little bit of heat on them, they desert the colonies like a motherfucker. These are jokes, people.

My friend tried to convince me that Ronald Reagan was a terrible actor, but I had to disagree. I mean, he acted like the President of the United States for eight years. People are still raving about his performance. This killed in my living room. Yeah. Have I hit my time yet? Yes. Great. Definitely. Yes. Beautiful. yeah have I hit my time yet yes great

definitely yes beautiful I won't even let the cat respond to that I just alright I felt like time stopped

yeah I kept looking at the phone like what the fuck is happening right now what day is it even crushed it right then those were it seemed like there was one liners from old 80s cheese movies in here What's happening right now? What day is it even? Crushed it right then. Those were...

It seemed like there was one-liners from old 80s cheese movies. Yeah. Fucking tackling Reagan, huh? Deep, deep hitter. Yeah, tell us about that one. Walk us through that. Okay, well, people know Reagan from being an actor. Do they?

You already may be wrong. Pat Reagan. Pat Reagan? I'm 25. I worked in politics. Oh, yeah. Did you? I did. What did you do in politics? I managed campaigns for city council, Anthony.

Whoa! Whoa! What's up, motherfucker? And now you're here. I actually, I could have been in Congress, but I gave it up to tell jokes to people who don't like my jokes. When are you going to start that? Well, I think that just happened.

I just described what accurately happened. You really think you could have been in Congress? Can you give us a short little pitch of what it would be like, you giving us a little pitch about what you could do? How would you fuck over the people? Because you're not fooling us with your jokes, that's for sure. Stop calling them jokes. Ouch. These are jokes, that's for sure. Stop calling them jokes. Ouch.

These are jokes, people. Yeah, you did pull out the old Frasier homage there. These are the jokes, folks. I love it. Why did you record this? I've actually been on Kill Tony like three times and I record them all

because I like hearing people talk down to me. You know that we record it. It's a podcast. Yeah, I know. I've checked Brian's Vimeo. You guys are up to like number 80. See y'all in a little while. Oh, Jesus. Pretty cocky for someone who just ate

shit from me. Yeah. Fuck yeah. So give us a little pitch. What would Congressman Michael Scherzer be like? Oh I wouldn't be like Serving in Congress I'd be working Behind the scenes

So it'd be like Me receiving emails And responding to people mostly Like kind of assistant work Like secretary Kind of like Oh you look parched Do you want some water?

Yeah But it comes with Government health Congress God you missed your calling huh? It's so good. Bring water to congressmen. Just telling people they look parched.

You look parched. Michael, do you go on stage a lot? You've been on this show, you said three times. Yeah, I go on stage. Last time I told you, like four times a week because I do jiu-jitsu. But I've actually been doing it a lot more recently. Okay, well, does it always go this bad? No, what's crazy is everywhere but here, people like me.

Wow. So when you say Charlie Sheen is winning at another place... People laugh. Like for how long? Like how hard? Where are these people at? I've had that joke actually work in this room, on this stage minus you people. When did you

think... Maybe we just remind them of good comedy. How long ago did you write that joke? That's one of the first jokes that I wrote. How long ago? Seven, eight months ago. Even then it was over, right?

That was way over then. When was the roast of Sheen? Because he had about four months after that. That was about a year after Sheen. I started comedy. Or two years after Sheen. I started comedy just under a year ago. That's not an excuse for what you've done. That was a terrible moment.

And the fact... Can I say something? I would have let this go. I would have let this go if it wasn't for the Reagan thing. That's still bugging me, and I'm just pouring it into this winning. Can I say something? I would have let this go if it wasn't for the Reagan thing. That's still bugging me and I'm just pouring it into this winning. Can I say something? I wish you could say something. You are actually one of the people that inspired me to get into comedy.

That's why I'm so mad right now. I'm happy to take your rage. Pound it. Oh, yes. Come on. I'm at least good for setups, Anthony. It's like finding out your baby shot the president. But at least they picked a noble target.

Oh, shit. Michael. Fuck yeah. Anything else you want to say? No, not really. Although, actually, yes. I just started working for Jimmy Dore. He does a political satire show on KPFK. You're bringing him water. No, not really Although, actually yes, I just started working for Jimmy Dore He does a political satire show on KPFK

You're bringing him water No, I'm I wrote a few jokes for his show, Ari And I'm actually, believe it or not, Ari I don't believe it, don't even say it Because I don't believe it Don't even say it, pull out, don't even say it Yeah

I'm opening for you on Saturday That's not opening for me, It's a bringer show downstairs. You're on with me. Okay. That's the same thing to me at this stage. Do you mind if we edit that part out? Jimmy Dore's a friend of mine. No problem.

Cool. Michael, there you go. Thank you so much. You don't get to say that you open for people when you're just coincidentally on the same show, by the way. It's not the same thing. Okay. All right. Well, that's a lesson I just learned. You get to say that you were on a show that somebody did way. It's not the same thing. Okay. All right, well, that's a lesson I just learned.

You get to say that you were on a show that somebody did, but that's not opening for them. Ari has a really good point there that other people should hear. Well, then, that one is for the books. There you go. Michael Scherzer, bombing all the way. Scherzer! He's on Twitter.

Bombing all the way is not his Twitter handle, by the way. However, son of Satan is. I'm shaking. With rage of those jokes. This is hard to do. It's tough to listen and think and watch the national championship all at the same time.

But Ohio State's running away with. Yeah, no doubt about it. They wore the jacket for a reason. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Stretch S-H SHP. Stretch S. Not a lot of guys have three initials. Oh, here he is.

It's Stretch SHP. How's it going, guys? My new favorite navigation app is Waze. It's a great navigation app. Always gets me to where I'm going. And it also gives out good lookouts You know what I mean While you drive to where you're going

Like it'll be like Watch out, heavy traffic reported ahead It's like good looking out Waze You know I live in LA I get traffic But now I know That I can handle some stuff Maybe make a phone call

But I know traffic's coming up Thank you Waze Or it'll be like Watch out, object reported in road ahead coming up. Thank you, Waze. Or to be like, watch out, object reported in road ahead. I look out for that, Waze. And there you go. Little up the road, it's dark. I might not have saw it. Big tree branch right in the middle of the road. And then my favorite is when it's like, watch out, police reported ahead. Good looking out, Waze. Let me go ahead and put this weed away right quick. Love waist.

That's my joke. Fuck yeah. 57 seconds. Wow. How did he manage to squeeze 12 seconds of joke into 57 seconds? Hell yeah. I don't know, but he did it. Yeah.

Hell yeah. I don't know, but he did it. Yeah. So it's amazing to think that just last night you were playing drums for Jimmy Fat Hawk. Son of a bitch. Would have been great. Would have been great. Anyway, so Stretch, I've known you a while.

You've been doing stand-up for how long now? Four years. Hell yeah. All here in L.A.? Yes. Right. And you got mugged a couple years ago, right? I did. 2011, got mugged in West Hollywood, walking up Sweetser, super drunk, coming home from Red Rock one night.

Got hit in the head with a tire iron or a crowbar. Split my head wide open right here. coming home from Red Rock one night. Got hit in the head with a tire iron or a crowbar. Jesus. Split my head wide open right here. Had to get 40 stitches, 20 down, 20 on top. Wow. Damn this black on black crime. I assume, right? You assumed.

And they robbed you. Yeah, I mean, they got money from me, but they kind of left me there for dead. Oh, what? I woke up and stumbled home. I was super drunk. Yeah, I mean, they got money from me, but they kind of left me there for dead. Oh, what? I woke up and stumbled home. I was super drunk. Stumbled home, got in the house, went to bed, woke up the next morning and saw what had happened.

Oh, okay. So now tell the part about how you get back at him. I can't wait for this. I have no idea who it was. How much money? It was only like $150. It was $77. I didn't get much. $150 is not bad. Yeah, I remember it was the same time. It was $77. It was $150. I didn't get much. $150 is not bad.

Yeah, I remember it was the same time. It took me a while to step into that. They never even noticed it. From Red Rock, that's a safe neighborhood. Yeah, it was like Sweetser and Santa Monica. This was the same time period that Justin Martindale got robbed and I got robbed. It was like six months. Well, yeah, I mean, they come up here because they know there's a lot of restaurants and everything.

Santa Monica and Sweetser. Wait a second. Santa Monica and Sweetser? Yeah, right on Sweetser. Are you sure they didn't just butt rape you and your forehead was your you know, the... What do they call that? Vagina?

Maybe. I like that. I like that twist. You could also fuck that gaping wound. What were you looking for? I was trying to think of leverage. I like the idea of burglars who would only target comedians coming out of the comedy store. What a dumb fucking idiot.

Yeah, exactly. Your Waze joke was I think you had a lot of fat at the beginning, obviously. I think you could just go through. Waze is this cool app that tells you, there's a cop ahead. Or you can get right to that almost, but maybe just say a couple of things real quick instead of... Oh, good, look it up.

Wait, just that part. Yeah. Cool. I've heard a lot of Waze jokes, though, also. Have you? Really? There's a lot of Waze jokes? I've heard a lot of Waze jokes, though, also. Have you? Really? There's a lot of Waze jokes? I've heard three at least.

Brian performs at all the technology conferences. All the app conferences. Well, I mean, all the popular, like, Tinder. You've heard a thousand Tinder jokes, probably. You've Grindr. You know, it's hard with the apps. It's weird. True.

White Waze, huh? Well, yeah. I mean, I just wrote it, like, a couple of days ago, and this is the second time I'm saying it, It's weird. True. White Waze, huh? Well, yeah. I mean, I just wrote it a couple of days ago, and this is the second time I'm saying it, so I just wanted to say it, see what you guys said. That's it. Do you really use Waze?

Yeah, I do. For that reason. What did you use before that? My eyesight. You didn't have another go-to app, though? Well, I only use it because it'll let you know when the cops are around. It's great. It's the only reason.

I would think someone who got their head split open by a tire iron would want the cops to be around. If I'm super drunk and walking home late at night, then yeah, I would. I've got to get waves for that. Yeah. Yeah, waves criminal edition. So you just know, mugger ahead. That's crazy. Criminals would have to sign up for it, I guess.

That'd be hard to get them to all... Criminals? Yeah, sign up. No, they won't. Put your money into it. Ian, any word on Stretch SHP? Were you funnier before the head injury? Wait, you know what? I want to know. Explain Stretch SHP? Were you funnier before the head injury? Wait, you know what? I want to know.

Explain Stretch SHP. Yeah. All right, well, Stretch SHP. Stretch is my name. It's a name I got back home from boxing and playing basketball. I've always kept it. I thought I... A middle-heighted person.

You're not short or tall. But it's because I had a long reach. My friends used to call me Stretch I liked it better than my real name And then I kept it And I always have it SHP was my group of friends back home It's really like a symbol

More than it is a name But it stands for Super Hilarious Person Super Hilarious Productions All these things that I'm gonna further go into But it's more like a symbol And it just means that when I come on stage I bring my friends and my family with me Okay, because it's more like a symbol, and it just means that when I come on stage, I bring my friends and my family with me. Okay, because it sounds like you just have a really weird

business card that someone transcribed incorrectly. Gotcha. So SHP is like a group of friends that you have? You don't have to make your name your production company. No, I know. It's just what I've... Do you know that? And what you've done is you've managed to make your last name like a

shout out to your friends from another time. Like a hip hop station would do or something. Well, good news is you're not going to be the first black comic to make up a stupid name. Alright. Hey, hey, leave him're not going to be the first black comic to make up a stupid name. All right. True.

Hey, hey, leave him alone, Ari Shaffir Incorporated. That's not... Stretch, fun times. Thank you, guys. Good chatting with you. Appreciate it.

There he goes. Stretch, SHP. I love how you say... Sometimes, Ari, you say things so perfect. Like, you get kind of upset. I love how you talk. Hold on, I gotta check my flip phone real quick.

Oh yeah, Ari went back. He decided to lose the smartphone and go to an old school phone because he can't control himself around today's apps. They still make those? Yeah, they're hard to find. I would love to go back. I really would. I'm going to. You're not going to? No, probably not, but I would like to.

What if you're in your car and you need directions or a map real quick? Like you just call somebody that has. I learned how to get there. Ugh. Yeah. What about traffic? I don't drive anymore. New York.

But yeah, I know what you mean. It's definitely worse. It'd be nicer to have a GPS. And Yelp? Like, where's this restaurant? Yeah, sure. Or I'll just go in somewhere. Live my life.

Oh, a lot of people are here. I'm going to try this place. Your next comedian goes by the name... Words out. Saddle Ranch is the happening place to eat on sunset. I agree with you, and I'm embarrassed right now. Such big portions. Put your hands you and I'm embarrassed right now. Such a good big portions. Put your hands together for Eli Gorey, everybody.

Eli Gorey. Oh, shit. Well, no Eli Gorey. Get the blacklist out. Someone's name's getting added. There you go. You blew it a little too early there, but alright. He just got blacklisted.

Fuck yeah. He probably had the same waves bit and didn't want to be embarrassed. That name comes from the old days of Hollywood where they found out you had one drop of black blood in you. You were no longer allowed to work. What? Yeah. That's the old Hollywood.

Is that true? Yeah. That's the old Hollywood. Is that true? Yeah. Put your hands together. Blacklisted. Okay. They'll cut a list. Because they had to know who the black people were, so they kept track of them. It's a big list hanging in the mayor's office. What was it called? The black list. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

Speedy Guerrero Oh yeah That's a new name I'm excited to see what comes up here Oh shit two in a row Wait wait wait He's slow he's gonna run the fuck up here in no time It seems like a guy named Speedy would be Would take his time

When you said Speedy I was like Please let his last name be Latino Speedy are you here That means he just got blacklisted It would take his time. When you said speedy, I was like, please let his last name be Latino. Yeah. Speedy, are you here? That means he just got blacklisted. Wow, two in a row. Fuck yeah, he just got super mellow blacklisted. All right, let's give another guy a shot.

Put your hands together for Johnny Gold. Here he comes. I see somebody moving up there. This is another new name. Johnny Gold. Hell yeah. The Jews are doing the job the Mexican won't. Cool. I'd like to start off with a couple impersonations. Here's an impersonation of my dad when I was four years old. See ya. Here's an impersonation, another impersonation. Here's an impersonation of Dick Cheney going into a gas station. Dick Cheney going

into a gas station. I'll take the blood of the innocent victims on pump two. And a Snickers bar because I'm patriotic. I've been dating a lot of molested women lately. And I don't know if... They're very sexually adventurous. And, you know, it kind of shocks you.

I don't know how they became like that. Maybe it's because they learned how to suck a dick at an early age. I don't know. And, you know, when they tell you, you know, my uncle molested me. Are you going to kick his ass? I'm like, no.

I'm going to fucking give him a gift certificate because he taught you well. Thank you. Okay, for real. As a comedy fan, I have a question. Jeslick, you could take those topics that make them funny. Could you not? It's just writing, right?

The topics have been done. I mean, I think I have jokes on all those topics. Oh, okay. But there were some... Are you saying he wasn't funny? Because you laughed at him. No, the setup of how dark that was in front of this crowd that wasn't getting it. You know what I love the most?

You can make that rape stuff funny, right? Why do you keep asking that like you've never heard all my material? I guess... Yeah, I don't know why I'm asking it that way. Mostly I was saying

maybe like rewrite it or something for him. You know what I really, really, really love? I don't know what I was getting at, really. I'm a famous comedian. You know I have jokes about those things.

Maybe I was thinking help him make that funnier. You should have said that. Maybe that's what it was. No, I won't. Okay. Johnny, I like your style. How long have you been doing comedy? Since 2002.

Nice. God, the audience was in disbelief about me. They were like, holy shit. Well, to be honest, I really don't give a fuck what the audience thinks. No offense. That's cool. That's cool. I mean, you know.

No disrespect. Geez, they like you, Johnny. Settle down. What's your problem? What an asshole. I didn't mean it like that. You're acting like they're booing you or something. No, wait a second.

Wait a second. I take that back. Jeez, you're a wild one. Let me get him back. I see why you haven't broken big in 13 years of doing this. You have a real attitude problem, Johnny. No, I'm kidding. Go ahead.

How often do you get on stage in those 13 years? Actually, the reason I believe I didn't make it is because I didn't do a lot of Hollywood stuff. I do a lot of stuff around the country, but I didn't make it is because I didn't do a lot of Hollywood stuff. I do a lot of stuff around the country, but I really never... I love this room and I love coming down here. I had some showcases down here. Mack Lindsay got me a couple. That's a hell of a name to drop.

Yeah, I know. I like him. I've done a lot of shows with him, but I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough. I just continue to be an artist and see where it takes me. You know you're not in a reality TV show right now. I don't know why you're going through this. I'm a little nervous. You're awesome

and Ari and everybody's cool. I wasn't nervous at all. Thanks a lot, Johnny. Piece of shit. The one that brings us all together. Wait a minute, man. Wait a minute. I've listened to every fucking podcast. That's why I came down. I love it. Wow, thanks, Johnny.

Everyone loves it. Fuck yeah. Where do you come down from when you say you listen to every podcast? I live in Riverside. Wow. Heroin. Hour long drive, right? Two hours, really.

Wow. I hooked up with a mom from Riverside once. That's all there is in Riverside. They don't let non-moms hang out in Riverside. How'd that go for you? It was pretty good, but you know when they're on top and they're kind of like leaning over? Moms don't have presentable bellies. Yeah. Oh, it's got that extra wrinkle sun damage thing going.

Yeah. Right. The flap. Unsettling. Johnny, what else do you do other than stand-up? I own my own business. What's that? Diesel truck shop.

Wow. Yeah. How's that going? Good? Yeah, it's good. It's good, yeah. Better than stand-up, obviously.

I think I did win a contest the other day. They got free chicken wings, so that's probably the best thing I've won in 13 years. Yeah, you don't even get chicken wings after this.

No, I'm so fucking grateful to be able to do this down here. I love it. I love it, man. I love it. I love the Comedy Store. I wish I could perform here, but, you know.

I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't say anything, and I'm so glad I did. I'm so glad. Normally I would try to host it. But no, that was amazing. I'm fucking everything up as usual. No, it was beautiful. That was like a work of

art, that pause right there. Holy shit. I want to be an artist. I do slam poetry and I do... We just saw 57 seconds of it. I like doing that and I just love the art of it.

My parents were actors, and I really got to learn a lot, so I love doing it. Were your parents in anything we might recognize? Well, my mom was on Broadway, and my dad was, no. It seemed very, like, I was going to ask if you did poetry places before, because you seemed like you're more of a poet kind of. Well, I just, when you do a minute,

you've got to pick and choose. Like do have basic stuff like about relationships and stuff like that but i mean when you do a minute you got it like edited down i had some other stuff that was g-rated but then when i saw anthony jeslin like up here i thought fuck it i'll bring it all out right because he's fucking dark too man he man. He certainly did, my friend. He certainly brought it all out. So, Johnny, what do you do on a night like this after this? How soon after this do you get in your car and drive back to Riverside? I'm going to stay and watch the whole show. Right.

And then what? I might go down and see if I know anybody from back in the day and then maybe watch some comedy. How often do you come here? Oh, fuck, man. I used to come here all the time, but I quit. Because you can't get stage time. You can't get good just hanging out.

So, you know, I'm a Long Beach comic. That's where I did a lot of my comedy, in Long Beach. Yikes. You know, you get up every night. You come down here, and if you're unknown,

if you're not famous, what the fuck? Fuck you, motherfuckers. God, it's just fucking. I'm just trying to. Fuck it. I don't know. I wish I could get up here every night, but I don't know the process.

That guy, Tommy, I tried to get in through him, but he personally didn't like my comedy, so. He didn't? I think one time I did do a set here, and Ari, after my set, told the audience, I'm sorry. Ari apologized for you before? That was a long time ago. Wow. Damn. How long ago was that? That was fucking long.

2009? What types of other art are you into? You said that you want to be an artist. You said that you do slam poetry. Yeah, I like slam poetry. What exactly is slam poetry? I really don't even know. Well, a lot of people hate it.

I know that. I love it. I love it because in stand-up comedy, it can be kind of not very intellectually stimulating. Speak for yourself, buddy. I mean, how many times do I have to listen about somebody jerking off? But in slam poetry on the other side, it could be also horrible too

because people just make fun of it. You can't do slam poetry about jerking off? No. You can't? Well, you can. It's like softcore rap. Yeah. Wow. Can you give us an example of like 10 seconds of slam poetry

that would blow our minds and sell us on it forever 10 seconds 20 seconds you hear that that's your opportunity calling when you hear that when you hear the sound of that owl that's what it was

the other night someone broke into my house and while the sound of that owl. That's what it was. The other night, someone broke into my house and while I was in bed, I could hear them. And I didn't want that person to leave as much as I want this guy to leave. There he goes! Johnny Gold! Thanks, Johnny. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. There he Johnny. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. There he goes. He's on Twitter at JGLBC. We never got that slam poetry. He didn't have it for us. This is like auditioning people for a Beckett play. I don't even get that, but I love it. I knew you would.

Off of your timing alone, I laugh. Ian Ellis. I have you would. Off of your timing alone, I laugh. Ian Ellis. I have a question for Anthony. A lot of the jokes tonight, it's stuff that's past its expiration date. Have you taken a joke from Topical to Evergreen, and can you help comics understand how to do that? You don't get another chance at asking a good question,

you piece of shit. Taking a joke from Topical to Evergreen is pretty difficult. I think when you try to do that, you just end up with a bad evergreen joke. It's got to come up naturally. Sometimes you can forget the formula and then write it again. But I don't think this is any information that you'll ever use. Your national champions of this season are the Ohio State Buckeyes, everybody.

42-20. First ever college football playoff. I've been getting texts for the last three weeks from this white-hating Jew, Ari Shaffir. I don't think I should have been representing the top four. Now I'll take it back. They were number four, right? Yeah, they were really number six. Yeah, that goes to show you how bullshit the BCS is every year.

It really does. Garbage. But now we know. Okay. Your next comedian. Let's try to get one last one up here, right? Thank God Ohio State was so injured. Otherwise, it would have been a tough game.

Your next comedian is Malia Syass. Possible girl. It is a girl. It is a girl. Hey. I don't want to make a baby. Not into breeding. I don't have like a maternal Pinterestinterest board or anything i think i would be more intuitive if i was a guy like you're so lucky like you're the injector not the incubator

it's fucking awesome like literally if you want to make a baby all you have to do is like and you just walk away but like i'd have to invest my time and my body and my sobriety that's my time and my body and my sobriety. I don't like that. I think it's just because I'm lazy, right? Like, it's like ordering a pizza. Guys can be like, hi, I'll have the pepperoni pizza, but girls have to, like, make it and cook it and deliver it and then go back on Yelp for the rest of their life to make sure everything came out okay. I don't have that kind of follow-up skills. Everything came out okay. I don't have that kind of follow-up skills. I'm not a monster.

I like kids. I just, like, I don't want one, you know? Like, I believe in the miracle of life. Like, two people can get together, create a creature, shoot it out of their private parts. It's a fucking miracle. Fuck yeah. There it is. Fuck malia i have to say my favorite thing is when a comedian on stage says

i'm not a monster because that absolutely means they are a monster in real life it's i say it every i fucking hate kids yeah i like how you were not at all like the last guy well thank you oh wait I like how you were not at all like the last guy. Well, thank you. Thank you. Oh, wait. However, they both live in Riverside, I bet. Malia. Now that's an insult.

Right, I know. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. Where are you from? New York. New Jersey, New York. Why did you come here? My day job.

I transferred out for a day job. What's that? I'm a fashion designer. I was. I got laid off. I'm on unemployment, which means I can focus on my comedy right now. Wow. Yeah.

It's really paying off, obviously. Yeah. What kind of clothes do you design? Well, I was huge. I was huge during the urban hip-hop era. You were huge during that era. Yeah. I brought you rhinestone-encrusted denim hookups.

That was me. That was you. Cool. Yeah. You're welcome. You can see my stuff on like Cops and America's Most Wanted, stuff like that. I see what you did there.

That's a big ring that you're wearing on your right hand. The lion one? Yeah. Nordstrom's rack, $5. I'm a bargain shopper. So when you're talking about how easy it is for the guy to make a baby and the woman to make a baby

like are you trying to make a baby do you think that is that on your mind is that what you're talking about with the mom that you're fucking like your body I don't want to have to deal with all the it sounds horrible does somebody that you know

want to make a baby with you? No, I just think society puts pressure on you. I have a lot of friends that are having babies. I just thought about it. You look like you've withstood that pressure until it's too late. That's so... Age. That's the line? Age?

It's true, guys. The biological clock does not end with the sound of a kitty biological but it does have to do with your pussy so there you go i see what you did actually i don't um i got i got really confused at the part where you compared yourself to yelp because then you were talking about like making the pizza and then delivering the pizza. And I was like, wait, what's going on? Oh, delivering babies. Well, I just feel, I think, it's like I'm lazy. I feel like the people that I've seen that have had kids, the mother is always like, you're more attached to them, right?

The guy can peace out if he wants, or he could go play. I don't know. I just don't want that kind of responsibility. I'm lazy, I guess. I don't know I just don't want that kind of responsibility I'm I'm lazy I guess I don't know I believe that you're lazy I would say I would say dig deeper like it's I mean it's obviously a bit that you believe in and it comes from you but I think

everything you said is something that we've all heard before from other comedians but I think there is something there if you just keep on digging and find what's unique about it and just bring people something they never heard before I don't believe that you think there if you just keep on digging and find what's unique about it and just bring people something they've never heard before I don't believe that you think that what you just did was funny although I do believe you probably are funny well thanks

damn I know who's getting you pregnant I know fuck yeah well there she goes Malia Sias everybody another one down the drain this is the part of the show where our two regulars go on should we do one more?

I think we have more time how many times bears come in here? 10 by the way all this Jewish music do you recommend any Jewish musicians other than By the way, all this Jewish music is very... Do you recommend any Jewish musicians other than... I've played nine Jewish songs.

They all suck. Okie dokie. Your next comedian is Danny Green. Danny Green. There he comes. Danny Green. Thanks so much. Thanks for calling my name last.

If I wasn't here, I'd be at home crying, wanting to text my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me. I told her that I love surprises, so on Christmas she introduced me to her other boyfriend. Yeah, so that didn't feel great. One clap. I'll take it, Patriot.

I'll take it. Whatot. I'll take it. What do you think is worse? Do you think somebody walking in on you while you're taking a shit or while you're having sex with somebody? Because when I was in high school, both of them happened to me. My dad walked in on me taking a shit and my boss walked in on me. Well, I mean, I thought the store was closed and nobody else was there, but my boss walked in on me fucking my dad, and I was like, yeah, that's what you get for not fucking knocking twice before you walked in.

All right, thanks, that's it. Fuck, yeah. What was that, 45? 50. 50, okay. 50.89. Way to go right for it, man. Yeah.

I like the act out at the end that you didn't just say you were fucking your dad, you were actually moving your hips back and forth. Getting in there. Getting in there. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost four years, but not all in Los Angeles. Where were you doing it before?

I started in Buffalo, New York, and then six months after, I moved to Charleston, South Carolina, did improv and stand-up there for three years, then came out here in April. Do you do drugs? Weed. Weed?

Nothing else besides that. Okay, then here's my follow-up. Have you ever eaten or slept before? Dude, I'm a struggling artist in L.A., man. I'm not eating much. Trust me, I hear from my mom all the time. I believe it. You look terrifying.

Yeah. If you only knew, you were the reason I started doing it. Wow. Look at this. Look what we're hearing tonight. The new regime, Anthony. How does that make you feel? You should see my first time. All this blood on my hands. I'll take it.

I had good intentions. I'll take it. You are. I had good intentions. Also, if you don't want me, me and Ari have the flip phone connection. So if you don't want me, then me and Ari can have it. What did you get? What did you get? I get the feeling that Danny's is not by choice.

No, not by choice at all. This is loyalty. That's ironic. I still have an AOL email address. That's all that is. It's loyalty. I've never gotten a smartphone. Why are you being loyal to the AOL corporation?

Hey, they never did me wrong. Free CDs. Free minute CDs. You want me to go against them? You want me to go against them? He still has those CDs stacked. In memorial. Get more minutes.

150 more hours free. That's all I need. That's all I get paid, and I ask the store for that, but they're not paying me for anything. Get more minutes. 150 more hours free. That's all I need. That's all I get paid and I ask the store for that but they're not paying me for anything. It's crazy. What do you do for money?

Well, I had to go back to Buffalo for the last month for a funeral so I had to quit my job before I left and I have a job interview

tomorrow to be a manager of a restaurant in Hollywood so we'll see how that goes. What was the job you had to quit to go to a funeral? I worked in restaurants for the last five years how that goes. What was the job you had to quit to go to a funeral? I worked in restaurants for the last five years

just serving. How loved was this guy that it took a month for his funeral? It was, I didn't give a shit. It was my grandpa but he was 90

and he was an asshole anyways. But my mom's an only child and her mom died like 40 years ago so I stayed home to help her out like cleaning all the stuff out and all that type of shit.

What you just said is funnier than your act. Your grandpa didn't leave you anything? Nothing. He, no, he had fucking, yeah, he... What a lazy fuckhead this 90-year-old was, huh? He never even came and visited us, let alone gave us...

Well, who cares about that when it's all about money at the end? You don't know that? No money, trust me, I wish I could be eaten right now. He never saw you do comedy or anything? My grandpa? Fuck no. He would have given you less money had he seen you do comedy. No, my parents and all that have seen me, but not my grandpa.

At least you can say that's not what killed them. Yeah. Heck yeah. Danny, tonight you were like the Oregon Ducks. What is that? A loser? 42 to 20 losers. 42 to 20. No, I'm kidding. I loved you, Danny. Thanks, man. I appreciateucks. What is that? A loser? 42 to 20 losers. 42 to 20.

No, I'm kidding. I loved you, Danny. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Anything for Danny? You have good stage presence. Whatever trick you did at the end, sure, it was fine. But I would like to see more of you.

I think that maybe that joke wasn't your best. It was kind of coming to a thing now because I really am going to waste time. I really am going through a breakup. So it's like, do I talk about stuff that's not funny that I'm actually going through or do I tell old jokes that quote unquote work but I don't have fun saying them anymore? So I say those. Why don't you find the middle ground?

Okay. I get what you mean. You know, if you want to talk about recent stuff that's not funny and you just want to rant a little bit, it's great if you have like 20 minutes and you just throw that in between a couple jokes. But as you know, if you have one minute to prove yourself or because you don't know, you could have done one of those jokes

and we could have all said something about one of those jokes and you had a whole new tag to it. It could have helped you on something that's worthwhile. I'm with you. I'm with you. For sure. I'll be back again. Come back again soon, Danny. There he goes. Danny Green. I'm Danny Green on Twitter. Heck yeah. Do you think his palms were sweatiest when he shook your hand?

Yeah. Malia Sias, by the way, is on Twitter at The Beastmark, if you remember her from two comics ago. That's I'm Danny Green on Twitter, Danny Green. This is the part of the show where you have our two regulars who do a brand new minute every week. Two young ladies that have been with us for a very long time. The same people every week do a new minute.

These are the only two people that do a brand new minute each week. They're on every episode. Is that almost a jobby? Close. You almost nailed it. Different last name. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. She dropped out of the University of Florida after

coming on Kill Tony. She's been doing comedy for a year and a half ever since then. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. A brand new minute each week. Guys, sometimes life's not really fair. For example, if I hang out with a guy for a little bit and then I ignore him I get called a bitch but if a man hangs out with me for a little bit and he ignores me he just gets called my father it didn't it really is inequality and I feel like as a female comedian,

sometimes I have to be a voice for women. And so I'm here to say, we want equal rights and also, like, still free dinner. You know? I feel like everybody's been in one of those on-and-off-again relationships where you get back together with someone. I know I was. I feel like everybody's been in one of those on and off again relationships where you get back together with someone. I know I was.

But you know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're great at sex. Exactly one minute. Kimberly Congdon. Fun times. and fun times. I don't know what the bad comedy umpire at the top

was doing during that. I was really, the last tag, all I was interested in is, is this guy going to fucking go one more time? Right. With that dumb horn sound.

The worst type of people. You haven't performed this minute ever before just now. Yeah. Well, I just wrote it. Like when you say just wrote it, do you take like a week to write it or are you just kind of like day of, you're like, alright, here's something.

Probably like 5 or 6 p.m. Okay. On Mondays. I've gotten really good at writing them last minute. The things also come up sometimes throughout the week. Well, I'll throw some stuff that I tag onto my bits that I've been using since the beginning of Kill Tony. And so I keep tagging,

working on my old jokes and adding this stuff. And sometimes I think of new tags and I'll just do a minute on that. Right. So it just keeps branching off.

I thought that was good. I thought that was really good especially for what it was. Even if I didn't know that you do a new minute every week, I would have been like, oh, that's good.

And I think the lesson that everyone can learn, even you piece of shit audience members who don't even do comedy, is just how relaxed you were. You were so comfortable because you do this every week. It's just a new minute, so you don't give a shit what we think, what anybody else thinks. And all you fucks up there should pay attention.

You don't care. That's the secret. It's true. The confidence of knowing that she's back every week for a minute no matter what gives it a different vibe. Ari, Kimberly Congdon. Remember when Johnny Gold said that he didn't care what the audience thought? Yeah.

He was lying. We didn't believe him. We didn't believe him. So what else is going on, Kim? How's life going? Life's going good. The Ducks just lost, and that's okay.

You know, Urban Meyer still coaches for Ohio State. She's a college football fan, guys, so be careful. She's also Latina. Yeah, so I'm insane. That's right. Alright, well, I guess that's it. Ari, is there a reason

why you're not talking to Kim? No, I don't know. Can I ask a question? Did I in some way influence you? Not at all. No. That was hilarious that that kept happening. I love that so much.

He got a decent laugh off it the first time. And he was like, let me go. I can get it again. I think you guys are talking about two different things. Probably. Kim, who are your comedy influences? I like Sarah Silverman. I like Bill Burr.

I like... All right, that's enough. That's a good amount. Well, thank you so much. There she goes. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Another new minute. They come in, they crush, they have fun.

The other regular, put your hands together for... It's the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is what's up guys so i got a lint roller from ikea i didn't go with the intention of buying a lint roller it was at the checkout stand who doesn't need a lint roller? So I bought it. And the only thing I could think about is, who the fuck invented the lint roller?

Who was like, you know what? We need something to handle all this lint. It's a huge problem. I got an idea. Let's put some painter's tape on a stick. The loneliest part of my weekend is when I was just sitting on my couch lint rolling myself just listening to the squeak of my lint roller

like I'm really taking care of business you peel off a new sheet when it's not working anymore and you have hope this is gonna be good I fucking love it that's right in her style and vein to talk about things

and extend on them those little inanimate objects and I love that I think lint roller is a great one it's definitely one that hits very close to home with me I'm obsessed with my lint roller is a great one. It's definitely one that hits very close to home with me. I'm obsessed with my lint roller. You are? I have one little lint roller that I keep in the car. I have a big monster

fucking one at home. It makes sense. It works. The motherfucking thing works. That's my problem with the bit is when you're like, who the fuck invented this? A genius did. That's an amazing invention. Like a sick genius though.? Like a genius did. Right. Like that's an amazing invention. Yeah, exactly.

Like a sick genius, though. Hmm? Like a sick genius, almost. Is there a different kind? Yeah, you're right. I think you could take them on a trip, you know what I mean? And start with the tape on a stick and then talk about the genius, you know what I mean?

The evolution of it. The first one to put it on a roller. I mean, in the lint world, that's the invention of the fucking... It's like the invention of fire, you know what I mean? Like it's a big deal in the lint world, that's the invention of the... What was the fucking... It's like the invention of fire. You know what I mean? It's a big deal in the lint world. Not a good one. Circle? Ball? What the fuck? Nothing? Take the microphone away from me.

I feel like it's a privileged thing to worry about lint. You know what I mean? All over the world. Absolutely. Oh yeah, the lint. You know what I mean? All over the world. Absolutely. The lint roller is the thing, in my opinion, that... I send them to the troops. Only lint rollers?

I love it. Fuck yeah. I hook it up. I liked you for that minute. I thought that the second half where you were laughing about rolling on yourself, that seemed like the real you in the beginning was almost like you were trying to manufacture the bit.

But you can tell we're already totally into lint rollers. You could have just come up and been like LR and we would have known what you meant. And then you just jump right into it. I use packing tape. I don't use lint rollers. The poor man's lint roller Oh totally

You're a fucking buffoon I really have man I've taken this step up in the lint roller game I mean I started With just a small rinky dinky one But some of them you peel off the one And it's not a clean break And you're like fuck this

Dude I don't even peel it off. I just toss them. Oh. Just the entire lint roller? Yeah. Use it once, gone. Disposable lint roller? Who cares?

Holy shit. You are living the life. I got money. Wow. I can't wait to get to that point to where I'm using lint rollers one time. It's so good. Beautiful. It's so good.

That's amazing. Yeah. I really do. I love the fucking lint roller. And I started small, but it's one of those things that you don't want to go cheap with. You know?

Really? It's worth the investment. Another thing that I did very recently, got new hand soap, went for the fancy. I'm like, you know what? Why do I always have stupid hand soap? Like, what's a great fucking hand soap?

Look that shit up. And now when I'm at stupid hand soap? Like, what's a great fucking hand soap? Look that shit up. And now when I'm at home just all day, just creepily smelling my own hands. It's amazing. You thought we'd be with you on that because we talked about lint rollers together? No. I'm telling you.

I'm ahead of you. I'm ahead of you on the... You're super fucked up. I'm seven months ahead of you. Seven months you're going to be telling me about the new hand soap you got. Sarah, so much fun. You did it again.

Another new minute on something goofy. Something great. Sarah Weinshank. You guys get it all in on her? Did you guys feel good about that? We did it, guys. That's the show. Iron Patriot tonight was Ian Ellis, everybody.

He was there for us. Terrible questions. But he played it off well. Great guy. We love him. Follow him on Twitter at ChicagoOpenMike. Thank you, live audience. Ari Shafir and Anthony Jezelnik on Twitter have a lot of shows coming up. Anything else you guys want to promote specifically?

I want to promote Ari's stand-up special Friday at midnight. Saturday at midnight. Friday at midnight, Comedy Central. Ari Shafir. Thanks, Anthony. You're special, Friday at midnight. Saturday at midnight on Comedy Central. Friday at midnight. Friday at midnight, Comedy Central. Ari's here. Thanks, Anthony. You're welcome. Friday at midnight, Ari's new special, Comedy Central, paid regular.

Catch me. What are the odds it's out by Friday? Catch me animated in the opening credits for that. That's right. I'm there, smoking a joint. I'm going to go smoke a joint right now because that's episode five of the Bob Kill Tony. Later. Bye. Thanks, Doc. Bye.

Thanks, live audience. We're going to take a picture real quick. Outro Music you you you you