KILL TONY - KILL TONY #9

Episode Date: August 14, 2013

Bobby Lee, Tommy Morris, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/29/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please subscribe to us on iTunes and Stitcher. Just search for Death Squad. Also, if you want to see me and Tony live, we're coming to Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona in September. Go to StandUpLive.com for tickets or just go to DeathSquad.tv for all our tour dates, including this, what you're listening to right now. We do Kill Tony every Monday for free at 8 p.m. at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. It is followed by the Ding Dong Show, which is also free at 10 p.m.

Both shows, just go to the Comedy Store's website and reserve your free tickets, or go to DeathSquad.tv. The new Death Squad t-shirt is available for order. They are shipping out right now. Go to ShopSquad.TV. The new Death Squad t-shirt is available for order. They are shipping out right now. Go to ShopSquad.TV. This is a limited edition, so get them while you can, and look for some new merchandise in the near future.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Fuck yeah. Hi everybody. Holy shit, there's a lot of people here.

Yeah. Good to be here, everyone. Brian's got a sandwich, some coconut water. It's my first sandwich. Sorry about the late start, everyone. But I guess for those of you listening It's not a late start at all How you guys doing out there tonight? Fuck yeah

Oh he's here of course It's good to be here We have a fun show ahead of us We got some gifts before this one Yeah let's talk about these gifts real quick We got a buddy of ours A friend of Tom Segura's That grew up If you know Tom Segura's That grew up

If you know Tom Segura the comedian He went to high school with Do you want to give your name out? Lee Davis Lee Davis So you knew Tom Segura when he was just shitting himself As a smaller kid If you don't know Tom Segura he does a podcast

Called Your Mom's House Very funny comedian He got me a copy of The Last of Us from Naughty Dog, which is an awesome game that I've been actually thinking about buying for a long time, just getting back into games recently. And then you got a shirt, and I got an e-cig. And I got an e-cig too. Can't wait to start smoking again.

Fuck yeah. You've been sick all weekend. Yeah, there he is. Bobby Lee, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much. A man been sick all weekend. Yeah, there he is. Bobby Lee, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much. A man who needs no introduction. Yeah, thank you so much. Bobby, how's it going, brother? Good to have you, man.

I'm pretty good. Thank you so much for having me, Tony Hetzclough. I love it. You too, man. Welcome, welcome. Red man. Hell yeah. I love it. What are we talking about?

We just started. This is fantastic. I can't wait. We're talking about the weekend We're about to say hello To our friend And head of security Here at Kill Tony The one and only

Comic Patriot Over there Yeah Comic Patriot Heck yeah He makes all those noises With his mouth Bobby Does he really?

Yeah He's wearing a speaker box That comes out of his chest That's why the mic's there What color is he though Underneath that? White as fuck I've always wondered You're white comes out of his chest. That's why the mic's there. What color is he, though, underneath that? White as fuck. I've always wondered.

You're white as fuck? White, white. That's right. I had an interesting experience with Bobby. He came up and asked for a picture, and I said yes, but I said don't do anything kinky. And then when I saw the picture, he dropped his pants. So I'm wondering if I would have said I wanted something kinky, what would it have looked like? We would have fucked.

And we'd have babies Bobby you love getting And you've been sober For nine years too I can't imagine Ten fucker Yeah clap for me Thank you so much

Thank you so much guys Thank you How do you know about Bobby's sobriety So I heard him on a podcast I listened to him On Jay Moore podcast

Wow Yeah I do my homework Tony Heck yeah. All right. Bobby, I actually saw you on a radio station I think this week.

Maybe it was in the Midwest somewhere where you got completely naked. No, I did not. That's absurd. But what's funny, I don't know if you know what happened after you left.

Left the shit stand? So supposedly, allegedly. No, no, no. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. Okay, go ahead. But allegedly, he got a guy named Bobby Lee

Not this one Got completely naked for a second Sat down on this nice white couch Put his clothes back on Rover, Rover I'm going to tell you what happened Can I explain it? We're not going to have to edit this out, are we?

Is this on television? It's going to be But is it going to be on TV or the internet? No, no, no, internet We can talk about anything, right? Well, yeah, we can but sometimes we cry i've heard i was on it i was on a called rover i don't know what the fuck it's called rover or something where is that what's cleveland i think and margaret show had done it right and margaret had gotten completely naked

and as a joke i go i'll do it naked too right and he had a white a leather couch and i sat down on it just for like a second naked And then I put my clothes back on And then I'm driving home Well I'm not driving, the guy is driving And I had left a brown streak on the leather couch No because I had a pastrami with eggs Before that

And I took a mean shit And you know how you're in a hurry to wipe all the way And plus you never think it's going to be an issue because I'm not going to get laid. I'm not fucking. Right? So I kind of did a half wipe. I sat on a leather couch. When are you ever

in that much of a hurry where you don't need to wipe your ass all the way? What do you mean a half wipe? No, because I was eating and then they're like, I got to take a shit and I took a shit. And then we got to go, we're late. Were they in the bathroom telling you you have to go, you're late? No, but before I went, they go, it can only be like a two minute shit. They told you that?

I clinched it and then I went to the radio station. I sat on a leather couch, just listen to my story, okay? And then you would think that if you leave a brown stain on someone's couch, that they would just kind of let it go. But they didn't. They kept talking about it on the radio. And then I called in. I go, what are you guys talking about? And then they cut it out.

They cut out the leather with the brown streak on it. And then they framed it. Like my shit is like frameable. Wow. So. What the fuck? All right. That's fucking awesome.

That's hilarious. So don't. Of course they're going to talk about that on Cleveland radio. You think there's anything better going on in Cleveland than you leaving a skid mark on their couch?

Yeah. I'm from around there. You are? Yeah. I like it there though. Nice white people. I like it. Yeah.

Fuck yeah Bobby. Is there another guest because I don't want to talk the whole time There's a special guest And there's a whole format to this show We pull comedians names out of this bucket There's a lot of comedians here that signed up A number that's in the high 20s And we go through as many as we can In the allotted time frame

Before we go to the next segment And they each do a minute And before we go to the next segment. And they each do a minute, and then we talk to them about what they did and who they are, and we try to maybe punch up a joke or we talk about their style. We find out a little bit about them. They go from comedian to – Oh, it's like a workshop. A little bit. They go from a comedian to a guest.

Oh, okay, cool. Oh, you're a fan of the show. Okay, good. Oh, you've seen every episode. Okay, great. So comedians do a minute. Shall we get that part started, everybody? Can I do it?

I want to draw one. Yeah, you can pull a name out. You say their name when you draw it out. I like this. I like this way of doing it. McCullough's are high. Okay. Dylan Polignacchi. It Okay Dylan Polignacchi It's Dylan Polignacchi

Everybody There's a Dylan here I'm gonna guess You're the first Immediate Dylan Polignacchi That means Wait a second

Wait a second Wait a second Let me make sure you're Dullen Polignacchi I say it's more like... Sounds like he's been... Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Before we do that, if anybody ever puts their name in and they're not here, we do this thing where they get blacklisted and then the Iron Patriot has to make this noise. Wow. It's a really long one this time. And they only get one minute.

And if they go over the one minute, they get the... No, but that person right there just burned a bridge. And they get a year banned from the club too, right? Let's just do that. I like your style. He's banned from the club. Dylan Polniak has been banned from the comedy store for a year. So if you're just joining us...

All right, you just got fucked. Yeah, really bad. Bobby's going to pull out the name of the first. And you only get one minute. And if they go over the minute, you hear this noise. Luke Schwartz. Luke Schwartz. Luke Schwartz.

Fuck yeah, here he is. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's Jeffrey Dahmer. I call him Jeffrey Dahmer. It's true. Yeah, I do call you that. I am changing my frame soon, but it's nothing personal. I hope it wasn't, you don't think I was affected by.

Okay, you're already 20 seconds in. Great start. Hey, normal guy. I am new to LA and like driving is kind of newish. And there's so many fucking... But like the point is... Say the most obvious goddamn thing in the world. I'm sorry.

This is a weird start to start in the number one spot. And I'm just doing riffing. And it's the worst thing in the world. Stay in the pocket. Stay in the pocket. Driving is way scarier than we give it credit for. Driving is way scarier than we give it credit for. Driving is the weirdest social contract you enter into because at any second, anyone can just decide to this guy

and then hit anyone they want. The only thing stopping someone from killing a family of four is a yellow line on the ground. That's the only thing. I think driving is way scarier than a roller coaster, but we yell like shit on a roller coaster. I think we should... Oh my god. I just ruined it.

No, you did great. Wonderful. Oh boy. First of all... By the way, that meow sound means it's one minute If you go over one minute You get the West Hollywood bear Which means really

Shut the fuck up Yeah that means You're running the life A year at the club Wow another year Yeah yeah Bobby the fan That's a new rule tonight

If you go over the bear Then you get Fuck yeah Let's do that one We are ending Comedy careers here tonight Okay so Dahmer Let let me say something. When you have a minute,

you should just start right away, right? What was all that fucking shit you were doing? Going number one and being next to you, I got a little nervous. Oh, man, come here. Oh, look at that. Got poop stain on you. And then he did

a hacky premise about driving. Right. It was really bad. It was so bad that even you said, what am I doing up here? I'm riffing. But you had already said a bad premise. After that, you were just trying to save it by saying you were riffing. You were lost after that, man.

You were lost. It's all good. I honestly had high hopes for this, and I was going to do a joke, and then I just. I know. Can I just say something? The punchline was yellow lines? No. No. What was the punchline? The punchline was yellow lines? No. No.

What was the punchline? That was a bad tag, but... What was the punchline? What was the punchline? You can't have a tag if there's no punchline. You're really skipping ahead here, bro.

I thought tags were in the middle and then... Why did you eat Filipino dudes is what I want to ask. Here's what you need, bro. Yes. You need an Iron Patriot suit. Wow. That hurts. I want to say something compliment. I don't want to bring this day down. You're the good guy. Here's what you need bro You need an Iron Patriot suit Wow

I want to say something Can I say something Hi how are you I've been watching you around I've been watching you around He has good work ethic You know what I mean That's good

One more time for him Come on guys The best compliment you can get good work ethic. You know what I mean? So that's good. There he goes. One more time for him. Come on, guys. There you go. The best compliment you can get. He was fantastic. The best compliment you can get. He has good work ethic. Good work ethic.

That's what matters. All right. All right. Pull another one. That was Luke Shorts, everybody. Talking about driving was the name of his topic that he wrote down. We have Crystal Oates. That's Crystal Oates.

Oh, boy. Here she comes from deep in the gullet. From the nosebleed section. Crystal Oates. Sounds like a bar. Oh, I know. Hey. Thanks for having me, guys.

So, hey, comics. We are under some pressure to not be so dirty sometimes when we're on stage. So, every now and then I let the F word fly and you know my bad people give me a rough time for it. So I would like to submit two words that are also F words that are way worse than fuck. For example foodie. That's just superfluous like we don't need that word we're all fucking foodies because food is fuel. Fashionista. This is a bullshit word.

No one who self-describes as a fashionista actually is stylish. So, yeah, I'm just going to keep letting the F word fly. Thanks, Tony. Thanks, Red. Wow. Only using 45 of her allotted seconds. That's good.

All right. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah. The old F word bit. Yeah. Is that like an old thing? You've had this a lot? Let me know

an original goals. Well, you know, I mean... I just didn't understand it. You didn't? I just understand why it would be funny though That what you just did

Oh, I'm sorry No, because No, no, I'm just saying You say F word And then it's like Here's some other F words That should be now bad Right

I'm saying that those words are worse Than the actual F word But I get it You don't like it No, no, no I didn't say that Take it easy I didn't say that

I'm cool I'm on Trayvon Martin's side. You know what I mean? Wow. Look at that. I put race into it. I'm so sorry. It's not too soon.

That was like a week ago. It's not too soon, but... You know what? I get what you're doing, though. You're doing play on words and stuff. Yeah, it's adorable. There's no big misdirect there. Fuck you, Kevin.

Fuck you. All right? If this segment was still called Tag It or Bag It like it once was, that'd be one that I would put in a bag and I'd bury deep in a backyard somewhere. Can I say this, though? I've seen you perform and you're very funny.

Right. I agree. You just suck this time. I try to do new jokes here. I know. Totally. Totally. And that's one where that new joke

is now an old joke. Old joke in the bag. That's the bag. Crystal Oates, I love you. You're the Jackie Brown at the open mic. I love that. There she goes. That's at Big Chris NLA, by the way, on Twitter. If you have any feedback for

Crystal, any F-words you want to tweet at her. Put your hands together. You want to read it? I accidentally pulled it out. It's a habit. Mike Andre. Wow, another one from that corner. That's the lucky corner right now. The hot corner. Not great for the 20

seconds of dead air. Oh, hi. Yeah, I like it. Hello. Oh, shit. We're good? Okay. Alright. So, my family's from the Caribbean, and I've come to LA, but a lot of people kind of confuse us, because my family's from Trinidad,

and everyone thinks, like, oh, you guys are Jamaican, which I don't appreciate, but you gotta just listen to some of the sounds in Caribbean Conversation to let you know which island they're from like uh Trinidadians always like to make the sound eh in conversations like I saw my aunt this past like uh holiday she was like but wait wait wait Mikey Mikey last time I see you he's a baby no you didn't see him height but eh a gym um Haitians they make another sound of

conversations oh oh like uh I saw two Haitians get in an argument which by the way is the funniest thing in the world to see because he was like oh where's my money where's my money I want it right away I see him pressing the button so uh that's my time mic oh no thank you no i was just turning down the high-pitched scream yeah can we can we hear just the yeah can we just finish the bit i like the bit okay uh so i mean like uh it's like the haitians like i saw there was like in a restaurant and the guy was like uh i need i need my wife's where where's my wife's what is it why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this? Finally, you got Africans.

And Africans make another sound. That's... Okay. That's perfect. You know what I love about that? Go ahead. Is that you can do that because you know those things. That's so great that you come from that culture where you actually know what those sounds are actually like.

And you paint the picture quickly. And I think that's very funny. Cool. Not only that. I just think that specifically you. I like to learn about cultures and shit like that. You know what I mean? Like you didn't do no bullshit fucking driving joke like Dahmer did.

Right. Right. How long have you been in America? He's born here, dude. That fucking fuck you, Tony. What are you talking about? This is an American citizen born here, dude That fucking fuck you, Tony This is an American citizen right here, man How do you know that? What are you talking about?

No, that's not Wait a second Now I know He's still in the coming to America voice Yes No, I was born here That's right, dog Alright, I guess I'm the asshole

You were an asshole He said he was from Trinidad My parents are from Korea. I'm not from there. You could be. I know. Where are you going? What is this?

Such an unorthodox podcaster, Bobby. Isn't the law like we could smoke on stage because we're performing? Yeah, Bobby, just smoke on stage.

Please. I'm begging you. We're allowed to. You know what? I enjoy you. How long have you been doing stand-up? About. Please. I'm begging you. We're allowed to. You know what? I enjoy you. And how long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. I enjoy you.

Get out of here. I love it. There he goes. Mike Andre. Bobby's picking the next one. Bobby's on the bucket. He's at MikeAndreP on Twitter, guys. Oh, shit.

Just drop the mic. Oh, shit. The Iron Patriots mic. Hey, don't hate either player. I drop the mic. The Iron Patriots mic. Don't hate either player. I hate the game. Scott Kidd's in the house, daddy. Scott Kidd's in the house. That's right. Scott Kidd.

Wow. It's a packed house. Oh, a year banned from the club. Year banned. Hit it, Patriot. I swear to God, put that in. I'm not even fucking banned. Hit it, Patriot. I swear to God, put that in. Blacklisted. I'm not even fucking lying. Year banned.

Put it down. There he goes. Blacklisted. God fuck, Scott Kidd. Pick another one, Bobby. Here we go. Into the bucket he goes. Dannykeatoncomedy.com Wow.

This guy signs up on his website. Don't go to that fucking website yeah what a piece of shit patriot what a shitty website that's a angel fire website he was gonna talk about cougar dating boring yeah no i'm kidding jim there he is jim ah jim's in the house oh shit fuck yeah there he is live in the flesh I like this guy So people say that I'm too dark

And I am black from the waist down Frostbite I fell in a snowbank Passed out in a snowbank Don't drink anymore, that's one of the reasons. Yeah. But dark or not, I'm a winner. I'm a winner. Always been a winner. Three months

old, had brain surgery. Three to one odds against me surviving. Here I am. First win. Yeah. With my brother, any kind of game, Monopoly, checkers, chess. I was a world dominator at risk.

Always beat him. He's dead now. Another victory for me. Yeah, for sure. Last April, my mom died. I went and I did her funeral. It went pretty well. Everybody seemed really happy.

She was finally dead. Jesus. I got darker then. Yeah, that's a sad subject. Can I say something? It's a good closer, though. I like the switch of the frostbite. That was pretty cool.

Yeah. I have another tidbit of fact, though, too. Kurosawa, when he was shooting a movie, he got frostbite on his feet and he almost had to amputate them. I actually have bad news about your frostbite joke, guys. Stolen? Very, very rarely does this happen.

Not stolen. I'm sure you probably just haven't heard it before. But a very, very, very funny comedian named Ryan O'Neill has a joke in which he talks about having a black penis because of frostbite. Except his tag's better and he's been doing it for years, which is he just fucked a snowman. That's how he got it. And up to that point, besides the Frostbite point, I think that's just a hacky joke up to that point. So you did like half a hacky joke. Who the fuck are we to judge people?

Well, it's not about that. You know what, dude? Go do your thing. I mean, what are we doing here? Wouldn't you want to be told if there's somebody that's been doing comedy much longer than you? No, no. Thanks for telling me that. I was trying to get like three in there.

I never heard of Ryan O'Neal. Keep doing the fucking joke. You know Ryan O'Neal? Who's Ryan Neals? I don't know. Ryan O'Neal? I don't know who that is. You know him.

You keep doing it, all right? He's a paid regular here. It doesn't matter. Keep doing it. I like the Grateful Dead thing you're doing. I love it. Keep doing it. You know? He's a paid regular here. It doesn't matter. Keep doing it. I like the Grateful Dead thing you're doing. I love it. Keep doing it. You know what I mean?

Heck yeah. I love it, man. I love the hippie shit, bro. That's a took. Get the fuck out of here, man. All right. All right. Thank you.

I saved you. Get the fuck out of here. Can I say something? You've done too much road work with Carlos Mencia, bro. Whoa, bro. Whoa. For you to be encouraging doing bits. Can I just say this, though? Can I just say this? To defend Mencia, bro. Whoa, bro. Encouraging doing bits. Can I just say this, though?

Can I just say this? To defend Mencia? No, I'm not going to. Let's keep going. Let's not say anything you haven't thought of. I couldn't think of anything. Jim, very funny, though. Hey, can I say something real quick?

Yes, Patriots. Remember the episode with Sam Tripoli? And this comedian was on, and he told us he went to jail For like over two years for Molly Because he was selling Molly And then remember Sam was suggesting Shit you need to talk about that Because that's more interesting than anything

I'm just trying to remind us Of where we were with him He's progressing every week I don't know if he's progressing the way you guys Think is good Well you may be progressing with an asterisk too Awesome Yeah

Alright good call on that I like how you remember everything So we don't have to remember anything I watch all the episodes I really like it I want to defend Carlos Mencio Can I do it? Alright I can't defend the material

But he's a very good performer We know that Let's clap for that Don't clap for that Tom Reitman Tom Reitman Here he comes I'm sure of it

Or else this motherfucker's A year off of the comedy store. Boom. That is unbelievable how packed this house is. Wow. Pick another one. Who said that? Settle down.

You're banned now for a year. Yeah. Now you're banned for a year. Let me go on, Tony. Hey, by the way, Macklemore is in the back. If you guys are fans of Macklemore, he's sitting right there in the back. Hey, I don't like this guy's name. Can I just put it back in the basket? You know Macklemore is in the back. If you guys are fans of Macklemore, he's sitting right there. I don't like this guy's name. Can I just put it back in the basket?

You know Macklemore, right? I don't like this guy's name. Yeah, I invited him on Twitter. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so if you guys like Thrift Shop, he's sitting right there in the back. He'll be around after for photos. Fuck yeah. Okay, we got Kenny Leon.

Kenny Leon. Oh, shit. I like this guy. Oh, fuck. No, don't. Not because we're Asian. Come on, Bobby. Is that your cousin?

I'm actually Guatemalan. Oh, fuck. I like Asian girls. I really do. You know, I got cheesy pickup lines, but this is how I pick up girls from Asia. You know, I'll be like, ni hao. The hell?

You and I are not going out, girl. Kansami. Hanyase. Oh, how are you doing, girl? How are you doing? Kunichiwa. It's your name. That's it?

Where are you going? That's it? That's it? You have another fucking 10 seconds. You have 20 seconds left. Yeah, yeah. I love this. Okay, let's clap.

That was great. Come on, let's clap. He included applause breaks in his timing. Can I just ask you when you're writing it, it's because you don't know the Asian language and so the funny part is you know a little

bit of it and then you just do English at the end. Okay. No, don't leave. Don't leave. I like you. Don't leave. You're cute. You are. You're cute as fuck. Not in a gay way, sir. What the fuck? How old are you? 21.

You're young, right? How long have you been doing it? What? I'm about to hit four. What did you say? Four years. About to hit four. About to hit four. About to hit four. Four years, you said?

You've been doing it for four years? And you can only do 20 seconds? Keep going. It's great. It's going to work out. Heck yeah, man. There he goes, everybody. He's like the Mexican KT Tatara.

Give him a run. No. He's Manny Hackyow, everyone. There he goes. Good job. Give me a hug, man. Manny Hackyow. Nothing on that?

What the fuck? Manny Hackyow? Where can we find him on Twitter? It's Matt Edgar, everybody. You can find him on Twitter at Kenneth Lyon. Free Cookie was the name of that bit, believe it or not. I think it's Adi got too soon to do that bit, by the way. I got the same name.

This is meant to be. Frank Castillo. Wow. Holy shit. Here he is. What's up, everyone? Good to see you. I have a 9 to 5 job.

And I work at a coffee shop. And I have that one co-worker who hits on every single hot chick that walks in and it's really hard because he doesn't understand that no girl wants to fuck a dude in a green apron. He's a cute girl and I'm just like, what's up girl, how you doing?

You look good. Come here, let me talk to you. Three steps over to the fucking chocolate croissants. He's just like, what's like sup girl how you doing it's like you can't hit on a girl near the pastry case it just doesn't work out too well thank you

what? what? did that happen today? you're just explaining what happened today this morning? surprisingly yes you went to a coffee shop and you went by chocolate croissants and you said, hey baby, that's it?

I was trying to impersonate my really terrible co-worker who hits on every turn. I want to say something. Come here. I love how connective and emotional you get with everybody. There's a term they don't use anymore, you young kids. It's called meat and potatoes.

You got to get to that fucking button. You got to know where the button is. There's a term they don't use anymore, you young kids, right? Right. It's called meat and potatoes. You got to get to the fucking button. Yeah. You got to know where the button is. That's where the joke is. You know what I mean? But I like your whole alternative thing you're doing. I love it.

I don't know. But I've seen you run. I like you, man. You're a good kid, man. Thank you very much. You're actually intrusive. Very, very big fan of you. You two are going to end up fucking in about 20 hopefully i mean if it goes never fucked a guy so that's what uh all right um what do you mean you heard something that i fucked a guy no okay well

let's move on then i would i'd work on the pastry case thing bro i don't know I don't know if it's happening man There's got to be something there at some point I mean you could incorporate Like just the stress of Hitting on a girl because it's busy You know what I mean like incorporate all that kind of stuff in it Not just the apron It is an awkward thing

You know what I mean because there's a cute girl That works at the Starbucks in Studio City She's really hot and I've tried to say shit I work at that one actually that blonde girl which one I want to work I want a finger blaster oh wait a second you work at that Starbucks that he's talking about right now there's a blonde girl with a kind of a deeper voice she's not a dude by the way but uh anyway but I can't because it's always like there's always a line. You know what I mean? I don't know what to say.

You know what I mean? You shouldn't incorporate all that, man. You know what I mean? Okay. Give him a round of applause everybody. Hook Bobby up.

Did I hurt you? Sorry. Frank C Comedy. That's Frank Castillo. I like that kid. Hook Bobby up with that blonde girl, man. It's amazing.

And I'll give you opening gigs. Yeah, there you go. You might want to get on that. Yeah. I don't know what it says. Christina Hessing. Wow.

That's a bunch of different languages. What does it say? Christina Hessing? Hey, if you let him open for you, the only catch is, can you make him wear the green apron still while he's opening? Yeah, I will.

Okay, cool. Okay. I don't know. Is this Peter Christina Hessing? Here, I will. Okay, cool. Okay. I don't know. Is this Peter Christina Hessing? Here, I speak English. Let me try. That's fucking rude. Wow, she gave her phone number

and everything or whatever this is. Oh, wow, you're right. This is terrible. It's a social security number. Christina Hessing. Tetra Peter Christian. Peter Christian Hessing.

They're not here, so they are banned from the comedy school. You know what? They left their phone number. Should I give out their phone number? No. Okay. That's on the blacklist. I'm going to call them.

Let's call them. Oh, yeah. That's a great idea. On speakerphone. Yeah. I'm going to ban her right in front of everybody. Does she know she's going to have your phone number now? I don't give a fuck. I think it's going to be a right in front of everybody. Does she know she's going to have your phone number now? I don't give a fuck.

I think it's going to be a guy, by the way. I think it's Peter Christian Hessing. If it's a guy, no. Okay. I'm going to do it. Blacklisted. Blacklisted. Okay.

We got all these dudes. Can we just get a girl up here? We save them. Well, not we save them Alright Brian Moreno There he is We have two regular ladies That always go up at the end of the show

We have a special segment of that tonight What's up comedian The other day I heard my dad say Brian is still trying to be a comedian But at least he's not in prison And that upset me The other day, I heard my dad say, Brian is still trying to be a comedian, but at least he's not in prison. And that upset me because prison is a close race with my life right now.

It's like in prison, you get guaranteed health care. If I get sick, I have Google and Robitussin. In prison, if you go to a country club prison like Martha Stewart, you get cable and Wi-Fi. I steal internet from two of my neighbors. In prison, you're not necessarily going to get raped, but there's a chance you may. In show business, you're definitely getting raped. Ask Bobby.

What the fuck? But the other thing. What is the myth of this? If anyone asks me from now on, if anyone asks me about my Uncle Eddie, I'm going to be like look, Uncle Eddie's still in prison but at least he's not a fucking comedian.

Wow. What the fuck? We almost had the belly room roast of Bobby Lee there for a second. He attacked you. I've never been raped. Never. Oh, man. I've seen some of those roles you took.

Oh, man. I want to talk about that. No, I'm just kidding. Let's fight. What role did I get fucked at you think I got fucked? I'm just kidding. No, I want to talk about that. No, I'm just kidding. I like Bobby. No, what role? Let's fight. I like Bobby. I like Bobby a lot. What roles? What role did I get fucked at? You think I got fucked?

I don't think you should have been the veterinarian. Is that what it was? I don't think that was good for you. Really? The NBC show? Yeah, I don't. Animal practice? Yeah, I didn't think that was good for you.

So they called me and I auditioned. They said, you got it. I want to say no. No, no, no. I just. You're better than that. I just think you're better than that. No, I'm just saying though. They said, we'll pay you $45,000 a week. No, no, no. I just... You're better than that. I just think you're better than that. I'm just saying, though,

they said, we'll pay you $45,000 a week. No, trust me. All right? I would take the check, too. And they go to guaranteed 13 episodes. Wow. So I said,

I'll do it. Did you film 13? Yeah, we did. Wow. All right? Get out of here, man. Hey, Bobby. Bobby.

Bobby. Hey, Bobby. I love how Bobby always steals Did they take care of you on The Dictator Because I noticed you were in that movie Fuck yeah The Dictator you were in that I was in a couple scenes

But thank you Patriot Well good that was a huge movie man No it wasn't It ain't but thank you Alright come on Let's get it going guys Let's make another one What's the guy's name

I like you you know that We're just doing a thing. All right? You're banned. How long? Just for like a month maybe. Okay. One month ban on Brian Moreno for all of you keeping track.

Justin Blake. Wow. Here he comes. Deep in the gullet. Wearing the Adidas jacket. What's going on, guys? I'm not much of a drug user myself, but you can learn a lot from, like, people who do drugs. Wow.

People who do do drugs. Like, people who do acid are, like, deeper thinkers. People who do shrooms are more open-minded. People who do acid are deeper thinkers. People who do shrooms are more open-minded. People who do crystal meth are trash. Mostly white trash. I say mostly to be politically correct because I easily could have just kind of stuck with trash. But I've learned the most from weed and people use weed. I know somebody who actually sucked a dick for weed. And what I learned was he really wanted to suck a dick. Like the weed was just kind of like an added, kind of came with the deal.

That's my joke. Very good. That's funny. And true. Can I ask a couple of questions? How long have you been doing comedy? Be real, though. I've been going hard like a year.

Only a year? Yeah. Okay. My first show, actually. I didn't ask that. You were on it. Oh, I was. What was it?

Are you interested now? No, I'm not, actually. Oh, well. Absolutely not. But it was here in the belly room. It was back in 07. Oh, yeah. I remember.

Well, no. It was... A random, I remember. Well, no, I was... A random... I remember. No, let's say... Aside from the meth, the meth... Who's done meth? It's the best drug ever,

so that's that. Have you done it? Yeah, I do. He's done everything. Yeah, I've done everything. Meth is the best drug ever, so that's that. Okay.

And then... But the other joke, the joke at the end was very funny. Thank you. Okay, so... Heck yeah. Okay. and then but the other joke the joke at the end was very funny thank you okay so heck yeah okay

sure thank you I'm so surprised that you did meth Bobby there's Justin Blake everybody I like him I like him a lot

IG Justin Blake on I'm is listen because meth is like like everyone does people do it right you think it's painful?

No, it's a great thing, man. You notice how we're not doing any tags this episode? Bobby just scoots them off. Get out of here with a broom. He's got to have full control. Is that what it is? I don't know how this works. I'll leave. Let me take a break, though.

Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Take a break? I'm used to television. We take commercial breaks. They don't going. Let's keep going. Come on. Take a break. Take a break. I'm used to television. We take commercial breaks. They don't even let me take a break. What the fuck? What the fuck?

This is my second podcast. We're breaking out right now. Phil DiGiannaro. Phil DiGiannaro. Phil DiGiannaro, everybody. Oh, you dumbass, Phil. You're a real dumbass because you just got blacklisted.

Patriot. Patriot. Jeremy Paul. Wait, wait, wait. Jeremy Paul. There you go. Jeremy Paul. Jeremy Paul.

Bobby Lee's throwing off all the timing. Heck yeah. People are getting blacklisted and then others on the list are just black. Jeremy Paul. Bobby Lee's throwing off all the timing. Heck yeah. People are getting blacklisted and then others on the list are just black. Oh, cool. So, yeah. Alright. There's a thing that all bad parents do.

They all say the same thing. They say, we did the best we could with what we had. Yeah, my parents could never say say that because they'd be lying. My parents, the best you could do was the projects in Peoria, Illinois. That was the best you could do. A place so dangerous it no longer exists. That's the best you could do.

The best you could do was government peanut butter. Anybody know what government peanut butter looks like? Comes in a white can. It's delicious. It's fucking. I had seen cocaine before I ever tasted a Big Mac. That's the best you can do? That's the best you.

I was nine years old and I was the only person in the house with a job. That's the best you can do. Yeah, I'm finished. I love it. That's really good. I like it. Tight 52 seconds. When you first walked out, I go, oh, my God, it's Ghost Dog.

Anybody watch that movie? Okay, let's just move on. Let me say something. Power of equality. I enjoyed everything. Oh, thank you. It was good. You're Jeremy Paul?

Awesome. Very, very funny. Fuck yeah. Rock and roll. I love it. You're the best one so far. That could be a very long bit. I don't know if that's just a part of it. You're a clever little fucker, aren't you?

I can tell, man. Good premise on that. There goes Jeremy Paul. You've been dismissed You're a clever little fucker, aren't you? I can tell, man. Good premise on that. All right. All right. There he goes, Jeremy Paul. You've been dismissed by Bobby Lee. Very funny. On Twitter, his name's Jeremy Paul Says. Six?

Is that what that says? J.B. Anthony. J.B. Anthony. Okay. Is it another black guy? I'll go, go, go. J.B. Anthony. J.B. Anthony. Look at this guy. Holy shit. All right. Here. Anthony. Okay. Is it another black guy? I'll go, go, go. J.B. Anthony. J.B. Anthony.

Look at this guy. Holy shit. All right, here we go. By the way, I bought that painting of your skid mark. I paid $3,000 for that fucking thing. It was terrible. Okay, let's skip that. Okay, my name is J.B. Anthony.

And what I like to talk about, I know people are annoyed by it is cougars now in the east coast we don't call them cougars we call them having sex with grandma that's what we call it okay this sounded funny in my mind but I guess not

okay go on to the next one and wow this is bombing really good. See, I'm here to make the other comedians look better. That's what I'm really here for. Okay? But anyway, is it time I'm up yet?

No, keep going! Holy shit. This is a debacle. Just say something. I'm leaving. Goodbye. Oh, come on. Don't do that.

How about this I refuse Start it over Start it over We'll give him another minute Oh my god Let's give him another minute Alright

So I'm going to say your name Go back over there Go back over there And come back up But hey Take out the fucking shit thing Right You alright

Alright And take out the fucking negativity Yeah I'm eating it I'm eating it That's not working Right What's his name And don't What's his fucking name again JB Anthony Everybody JB Anthony And take out the fucking negativity. Yeah. I'm eating it. I'm eating it. That's not working. Right.

What's his name? What's his fucking name again? J.B. Anthony. Everybody, J.B. Anthony. Give him another minute, guys. Hello, folks. Now, my name is J.B. Anthony. People don't believe me that I'm Puerto Rican. But I'm a Norican.

What is a Norican? A bunch of Puerto Ricans who can't speak Spanish. Okay? You asked for another minute. Skip that one. Keep going. Let's see. Okay.

Now, when a lady starts dressing Her dogs I'm so sorry Start putting the chihuahua With a french poodle With a french beret and a little bow tie Is not a sign of love It's a sign of mental illness Okay

When they start pulling him in strollers And curtains It's time for the rubber room. It's time to go. You are mentally ill. Okay? Now, well, that was also funny in my mind. Oh, well.

Okay. Do the bear. Do the bear. There's the bear. Don't leave. Don't leave. Don't leave. You're not allowed to leave that fast.

I need to talk to you. Okay? Can I ask you a personal question? Yeah. Have you been on stage before? Not in a long, long time. When's the last time you were on stage? Late 80s. What did you do?

Like rush a stage at a strip club or something? I was doing like Dice Man material. Can we hear some of that? Can you do an impression of the Dice Man? Do the Dice Man shit. I thought he was going to say construction last time he was on stage. Do something that you would do Dice Man style.

We'll see. Nah, it's politically incorrect, so I can't do it. We'll bleep it. We'll bleep it. The fact that you even called it politically incorrect means it can't possibly cross a boundary we haven't heard of before so just go with it how does this bisexual thing work

what do you go to a room look around find the prettiest person in the room do you flip a coin in the morning Tuesdays and Fridays is dress day and the rest of the week you're straight. Is that how it works? Like I said.

Oh my God. Come on guys. I want to be supporting dreams. Don't ever come back here. Totally kidding. Let me just say something. Let me just put this down. Don't touch that.

Come over here. Here's the thing, though. It's like, you know, if you want to do this, you got to do it five times a week, okay? Yeah. All right? This is a serious thing, okay? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

JB Anthony, everybody. Let me say something real quick. Yeah, go ahead. The first joke with the grandma and the cougar, it wasn't that bad. He just acknowledged it, and he made a big deal out of it. He just would have kept going. I mean, it was an average joke. I mean, you know, he just said, it was funny in my mind, and he stopped.

You know what I'm saying? Shouldn't he just kept flowing? I know what you're saying, and I think you're wrong in this instance. Well, I actually didn't get the joke, but when he said, you know, fucking grandmother, it took me a second to be like, oh, it's just how he didn't deliver it right. But yeah, you're right. Just move on.

His insecurity got the best of him. And you're the head of insecurity. I gotta pick out a girl. I gotta pick out a girl here, man. I can't do it. I think this is a girl right here. Gabrielle Killian. That's definitely a girl. That's definitely a girl.

Gabrielle Killian. Fuck yeah. Here's Gabrielle right here. A beautiful young lady. It's Shavo from System of the Down. Respect. Respect. Look, he wore your shirt today, Bobby.

Oh, nothing? Okay. When I found out you were here, I had to go home and change. Oh, shit. This is kind of embarrassing, but I just got out of a very abusive relationship. My girlfriend was incredibly fucking insane. I just couldn't stop beating the shit out of her.

Trannies, man. Fucking trannies. You can't even tell the difference anymore. I dated one for three weeks before she told me. And by then, I'd already blown them six times. Man, I surprise myself every day. But that's probably because I forget to flush every night. That was great. Oh, you got it?

Okay. Awesome. Fuck yeah. Gabrielle, that was really entertaining. And you talked louder like last time you were a little bit more quieter, I think, or something. But you really put it up a notch. It's definitely the best stage presence you've had out of the couple times I've seen you here without a doubt. Absolutely.

I want to say something real. Can I say something real? Oh, yeah. I feel like from the heart. I'm going to say it from the heart, bro. First of all, I'm not Japanese, so fuck you. But anyway, that's a Japanese symbol. I know. Okay. But I think that once you get stage

time and you get more comfortable because you're a little nervous still, but I think that that persona could work. I really do. Yeah. So I just think that you got to go up. Here's what it is, dude. What happened? Failing is a good thing. Bombing is a good thing.

The more you bomb, the more relaxed you get on stage. Because what happens is you just grow a layer of skin. Right? Because I just want to say, this is my opinion, is that the key to comedy is stage time. But the reason why it's stage time, because you want to fail. Right? Because inevitably what happens is you just don't care about failing and that's where you want to be. And then you become naturally yourself.

So go up a lot, bomb, and then I think it will work out. You know what I mean? I never thought about it that way. It's very interesting. I 100% believe that theory. Absolutely. I always tell people to bomb a thousand times. Because what happens is then you literally don't care.

When you're on stage and you feel like you're around your parents or whatever, depending on your relationship with your parents or your friends or whatever, that's where you want to be. You know what I mean? And I feel like that's the difference between most comedy store comedians and other comedians too because the original room is like a death chamber. Yeah, that's why like, you know, like I used to do Sundays and Mondays religiously when I was younger. Okay.

You guys want to all clap at once for the world famous comedy store, huh? Fuck yeah. But anyway, good job. There you go. Fucking really good job at Gabriel Killian on Twitter. How many are we going to do because I got to go, man. Good job. There you go. Fucking really good job. At Gabriel Killian on Twitter. How long are we going to do?

Because I got to go, man. Good job. You're doing fine. Just stay in the pocket, Bobby. Stay in the pocket. You got to do a spot downstairs? No. Fuck.

Mugzilla. Mugzilla, everybody. Mugzilla. Last time I let you pick out of the bucket. No, I'm kidding. You pick from now on. I can't pick. I'm not good. Okay the bucket. No, I'm kidding. You pick from no one. I can't pick. I'm not good.

Okay, good. Like Zilla. Ah. Oh, shit. Fucking Royal Baby. The Royal Baby gets what the Royal Baby fucking wants. If the Royal Baby wants twerking, the Royal Baby gets it twerking. baby wants twerking, the royal baby gets it twerking. Royal baby came out of the fucking hole worth $375 million. If he lives to be 70, that's $100,000 a month. So trust me, the royal baby gets what the royal baby wants.

And the royal baby at this stage of the game probably wants royal titty. And he's not getting it. Why? His mom's a commoner. But if the royal baby wants royal titty, he's going to get royal titty. There ain't none of those royal bitches ain't going to give him titty, he's gonna get royal titty. There ain't none of those royal bitches ain't gonna give him titty. And if there's some royal lactating titty, he can afford it. Fucking royal baby gets what the royal baby wants. I can't believe that was a minute of royal baby. Royal titty.

I almost said material, but it's not really material. It's just you saying that the royal baby gets what the royal baby wants. Yeah, you seem very angry about this baby not getting titty. Of all the premises in the news that you could have picked to write a new minute on, I would say that that's one of the worst, right? Because people hate the royal baby. Well, it was in honor of Bobby. Oh.

Why? Because you are the royal baby of the comedy store. Oh, my God. What the fuck does that mean, bro? Well, if the royal baby wants a mustache, the royal baby gets a mustache. God fucking this motherfucker right here. What?

He's really reaching. I don't even know what's going on, but... I know. Mugzilla, you really... I love it, man. You're great, fuck. This motherfucker right here. What? Fuck. He's really reaching. I don't even know what's going on, but. I know. Mugzilla. All right. I love you, man. You're great, man. Fuck yeah.

Hey, Bobby, can I ask you one question? Go ahead. Straight for 10 years now? Right? Yeah, yeah. Wait. You finally off the buzz? What does that mean?

Oh, you were buzzed. What the fuck? What the fuck is he talking about, this guy? 10 mean? Oh, you were buzzed. What the fuck? What the fuck is he talking about, this guy? Ten years later, he's still buzzed? Okay. Mugzilla. Mugzilla. I'm going to give you a hug.

Put the mic in the mic stand. Mugzilla. Mugzilla, everybody. Bobby, be careful. Patriot. Mugzilla, stop touching Bobby. Please don't touch me, Mugzilla. Stop touching him.

Iron Security, flash your light at him. I'm just trying to get my mic in place. Can we just... By the way, for those of you that don't know, the Iron Patriot is completely... Let's get a girl up here. Can we get a girl up here, please? Bobby.

Yeah. Take it easy. What are you, what do you need to jerk off? No, I mean, you gotta mix it up, though. Save the best for last. Jaron Horton. There's no girls in here. There's girls in here.

Did you sign up? They're coming. What's up, y'all? My little sister just started dating. I don't like it. I think I'm going to start tickling all of her boyfriends. Because if they're not ticklish, that means they're definitely a rapist.

I think... Do you have any royal baby material? No, I'm just kidding. I just had to say it. Keep going. I paused it. Sorry. We'll edit that out of the podcast. I think if she ever invites him over, she'll be safe.

Because she sleeps on a twin-size bed. He only has enough room to make her watch him masturbate. I don't know. I can say that because I sleep on a twin-size bed. It sucks. I'm obviously too big for it. Every time I wake up in the morning, I feel like a kid whose wish came true. I don't know.

You know how hard it is to convince a woman to have sex with you on a twin-size bed? The conversation usually goes like this. No. That's it. It's very funny. John, you've been on a few times You're always funny

How'd you put the connection between tickling and Well because I used to When I first wrote it I used to try to act it out But I'm not really good at that Because you can't like Rape somebody and be ticklish Because I was messing around with my homegirl Just messing with her

What do you mean messing? You're raping her No but I'm ticklish so when she touched me I can't like messing around with my homegirl. Just messing with her. What do you mean messing? You're raping her. No. But I'm ticklish. So when she touched me, I can't... Right. I said the same thing to Joe Rogan.

He does the UFC that if I was in a fight and I was on the ground getting my ass kicked, that would just start tickling the guy to get out of it. Yeah.

Which seems like it would make sense if the guy's super, super ticklish. Yeah. Tickling is a disadvantage. But it's also a new – like he wasn't – it wasn't hacky. Like it was a new – like it was a weird his point of view kind of an angle,

and that's why I liked it. Yeah, I think – Even though there was not a connection there, I was like, oh, it's a new – it's his thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like he's trying to be creative with the situation. But maybe add a little bit to it. Here's another thing.

When you said this, when you said, I'm not good at whatever you said, acting out, is that what you said? Yeah. Take that out of your vocabulary. Yeah. Because the thing is that even if you don't think you're good at it, you should try. Yeah. Right? You should always try everything.

If you don't know how to do impressions, still try. Right? Because you're young, and this is the time where you can experiment. This fucking negativity is bullshit what negativity you're doing we're doing it this is exactly

what I'm saying is from you guys it's like no more I don't know that's not my strength just try it no more negativity

alright let me ask you something real quick okay go ahead remember when me and John saw you at IHOP And you came up to our table What'd I say?

You were fucking with us but you had like two bad white bitches with you That's right dog Of course he did it's Bobby Lee It's Bobby Lee what do you think it's gonna be Why didn't you like share it you could have brought him over or something Nah man that's not opener pussy That's headliner pussy bro Bobby does not take white hot bitches To IHOP Nah, man. Why would he share? That's not opener pussy. That's headliner pussy, bro.

Bobby does not take white hot bitches to IHOP for them to be stolen from him. Fuck yeah. All right, man. I love you. Hey, bro. I have my eye on you. My little eye is on you, bro. Very funny.

I have my little eyes on you, bro. At Jerron Horton on Twitter. I like that one. I like that one, man. Always a funny person to have around. That's where you take hot white bitches i hop that's what you're doing getting fucking pancakes was what hey yo what time it was at this was uh like three in the morning right no oh fuck oh shit four in the afternoon yeah exactly what are the options koreatown then you're going to go to parks or something Yeah, exactly. What are the options?

Koreatown, then you go to parks or something. Then you're spending like $200. I thought you were going to say the Koreatown IHOP. That sounds terrible. Matt Devlin. Yeah, he's hilarious. I love that name. This guy's actually like a fucking pro comic.

Like? Oh, Jesus. Don't hurt me. Oh, my God. How am I doing for time? My mother called a couple days ago. She says, how are you going to make your Trayvon Martin jokes? I said, very carefully.

Martin jokes. I said very carefully. Don't you hate it when you wake up in the middle of the night to take a leak and you accidentally piss all over the seat but you can't clean it off because you're not wearing any socks? Where were we? Oh yeah, gun control.

You want to see assault rifle reform in this country? Somebody's going to have to shoot up a pet store. Planned Parenthood should do a Groupon. That's fucking awesome That was great I love that Dude, what are you doing here? I know Yeah

You can have one But it's like you're already there So why do you sign up for this? Get out of here You're already good I'm not leaving until you give me a cigarette Here, Gus Tony's brother over servesserves me regularly.

Yeah. That was awesome. There's nothing you need to add to that. Matt Devlin's a badass motherfucker. He tours the country. Nice enough to sign up and do this show. Put your hands together for Matt Devlin. Does he have a Twitter address?

At mdevlin314. Is that correct, Matt? No, I don't know what it is. You don't know what your Twitter handle is At mdevlin314. Is that correct, Matt? No, I don't know what it is. You don't know what your Twitter handle is? All right, just Google and then add the word comedian. Matt Devlin, D-E-V-L-I-N. Very funny man from Boston. There he goes.

One more time for Matt Devlin, everybody. Ricky Luna. Oh, shit. You either love him or you hate him it's Ricky Luna this is my impersonation of a Mexican STD doctor

in a clinic do you have chlamydia I used to live in San Francisco and I used to smoke cigarettes. Unrelated. And this guy asked me for a cigarette. He was pushing a cart and he said, Excuse me, motherfucker, you got a cigarette?

And I said, yes, absolutely, sir. I gave him a cigarette. He gave it back to me and he said, This is a menthol. I don't fuck around with no menthols. That was the day that I learned that beggars can be choosers. Thank you.

That's all. That's it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Did that really happen in San Francisco? Yes it did. What was the first thing you talked about? It was a Mexican STD clinic. Do you have chlamydia no i used to but that's all cleared up now that's something that you could go into more yeah talking about chlamydia that's

no that's just a good character you know like you could talk about you need to put some pico on top of your vagina or whatever hombre. Hombre. Okay, cool. Microphone, Bobby. I know, I'm just thinking. Bobby Lee has some input. It's awesome. I want to air out a personal thing. I don't know why.

Have you ever noticed with you and I that I'm mean to you? No, you're not mean. I don't think so. I'm very distant with you. You're distant. And you gave your reason in the... What was the reason why? The reason was because you said that... You said...

You said... You said... Something along the lines of, I can't talk to you until you start working. That's not what it is. Something like that. I'm going to tell you what it is. What was it?

This is... And I'm not delusional. Okay. All right? Because I just saw you just now. Yeah. And I go, he is funny. He can do it.

You know what I mean? He's been working hard at it. Yeah, yeah. So I can tell that, you know what I mean? You've got this kind of Dom Herrera kind of like an energy. You know what I mean? Yeah, cool. Thank you.

Yeah, but the thing is that when you first got here, you said that you had HIV, and then you blew what's his name? Mervis. Mervis. Right. So then I thought, well, he has HIV, and he didn't tell Mervis that he had HIV, and he blew what's-his-name? Mervis. Mervis. Right. So then I thought, well, he has HIV, and he didn't tell Mervis that he had HIV, and he blew him anyway.

So then I had a fucking big problem with that. So let's air this out right now. Okay. Do you have HIV? Yes. And you blew Mervis? Yes. Did you tell him?

No. Really? Is this all true? I just found this out a couple months ago. That you had HIV? Yes, correct. But then two years ago, you told me you had HIV. Well, I didn't know you two years ago. What? I didn't know a couple months ago. You had HIV? Yes, correct. But then two years ago you told me you had HIV. Well, I didn't know you two years ago.

What? I didn't know you two years ago. Well, when you first got here, I mean. I don't know when you got here. How many teens are blowing murders? Just him. All right, let's just air this out now. Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.

I'm going to start over with you. Right. All right? Okay, cool. Next time you blow anybody. Right. Have them wear a condom. Absolutely. And tell them you. Right. All right? Okay, cool. Next time you blow anybody. Right. Have them wear a condom. Absolutely.

And tell them you have HIV. All right. All right. All right, thanks. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Now I'm not done with you. All right. You mean to tell me you have HIV and wait, you just found out about it? Really? A couple months ago. You don't seem too happy about that. What? I mean, it's not a thing.

I'm sorry you have HIV. Don't worry. It's not your fault. No, you're good. It's not your fault. I'm just saying that if you're going to bloat people, I'm going to tell you they should know. Did you know you had HIV after you hooked up? Do you know who gave it to you?

No. Wow. That's pretty crazy. Just from now on, just tell people because it's weird. Alright, everybody. Jesus Christ. Give the murderer a run for his life. I'm surprised

people don't know that. Now I'm all depressed. He told me that and I'm like... I don't know how you blow guys. I mean, that's really some coincidence. But I just assume you do this, right?

You grab the chick, I don't know, but so that's it. That's that. It just seems pretty. But I want to say this as a positive note though, bro, is that you're comfortable,

you know what I mean? And I want you to succeed, but that's why I've been weird with you for so long. Like, I don't want, I wouldn't even look at you in the eyes

because I'm like, this guy's a fucking bastard. But you know what? I'm willing to give a clean slate with you and I will say hi to you from now on right if you start changing your fucking behavior man yeah that's really and I'm being I'm being real guys that you told Bobby that you I don't need to know those things. And then all of a sudden you caught HIV. That's even a crazier coincidence than – All right, Tommy Lee, guys. Tommy Lee. Turns out HIV is not the most positive subject.

Get it? Positive subject, everybody? All right. Fuck yeah. You guys are the same color. So on a more positive note, I just got a new girlfriend. Less positive note. It's a miracle.

There you go. She's black. Is that true? Yeah, it's true. People say race shouldn't matter in a relationship, but it does. It really does. Because my last girlfriend was black, and it's really easy to get manipulated when you're in an interracial relationship like because she would use my lack of knowledge of black people

against me she'd be like every time she wanted to do something she was always like black people don't do that tommy i'm like wait black people don't hold hands and hug in public and show affection i'm sorry like and her phone was like% dudes and she had a lot of male friends she would text them all the time I'd be like hey babe what's going on with that and she was like oh it's a black thing Tommy you don't get it I'm their home girl

those are my home boys alright well have fun at Johnny's house I'll pick you up tomorrow morning so I had to start teaching her about Asian stuff too so I taught her that Asian people don't do dishes. Uh, we don't steal $50 out of your wallet. Um,

or fuck your sister. So there you go. Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee. What kind of Asian are you? Uh, I'm half Chinese. Half what?

Half white. Nice. But the whites is kind of a mix of stuff. Cause yeah, I get it. Heck yeah. Uh, you know what?

Unless you have anything to say to him, we're going to jump to our next segment of the show. Is it ready now? Well, I do have things to say, but if you want to go to the next segment. No, I want to know what you want to say to Tommy. I don't know. There's just so much. We'll talk about private.

There you go. Tommy Lee, everybody. There he goes Alright now everybody This is a really really really exciting night And I'm so happy that Bobby you're here We always close out every show Wait I haven't brought you up yet

Hold on a second It's too exciting I'm too excited Ladies and gentlemen A special guest for As you guys may or may not know, we always have our lovely two regular ladies, Sarah Mostajabi

and Kimberly Congdon do a spot. Tonight, we have a very, very, very fucking special guest for this segment of the show. Here to sit in and give us his thoughts and feelings on our two lovely regulars. This is a rare occurrence in the podcast world. We're so lucky

to have him here. Mitzi Shore's right-hand man and the talent coordinator of the world-famous Comedy Store. Put your hands together for the one and only Tommy Morris, everybody, is here. Scoot over. Or we could have him sit in the middle. There he is.

Tommy Morris. Boom. All hail the king. He Morse. Boom. All hail the king. He is here. Great to have you on here, Tommy. I'm nervous. I think everybody is. It's nice being here with you guys.

Heck yeah. It's good to have you. Now, have you explained to Tommy what these two girls have been doing? I think we're really lucky because Tommy has an office that's down the hallway. And oftentimes on these nights, on Mondays, he's down there making lineups. And I think you get to hear some of what goes on in here, right? Yes, I've heard the evolution of your show. And it's cool.

I like it. I think it's a great premise. And. I think it's great premise. And Red Band, he's been a part of many things for many people. And I think he's done a great job for them. I was just happy to see him bring something that was his alive. And Tony, you were the perfect person to anchor him. So you guys are doing a great job. Wow. Thank you, Tommy. Holy shit. We have that recording.

We have multiple recordings. Is this thing on? I love that. Iron Patriot, you know, this is the talent coordinator of the comedy store. Yeah. Wasn't he pivotal in the beginning of your career? Oh, definitely. Because I remember on the podcast something about you weren't talking about your gay face or anything.

Oh, right. Yeah. And he kind of brought that out of you. Yeah. But Patriot's talking about on Dean Del Rey's podcast, I believe it was, right, Patriot? Yes, yeah. Yeah. I was talking about how you have an amazing knack at being able to – you don't give – you're the talent coordinator here and you don't give people – you don't tell anybody what to do.

No. And you have amazing ways of going – of like making people figure out things. I want to say something about Tommy. Yeah. I was here before Tommy was here, and I was here during the 90s. And the lineups were the worst lineups you could ever see. Like, people that were dead were on it. People that had been doing it.

Like, on a Saturday night in a main room, you would have people that had been doing it for like a week. I mean, that's how have people that been doing it for like a week i mean that's how insane this club was and no one was coming you know i mean i was like a doorman here and it was like the worst club in la and you know tommy he's done some not controversial things but he's done things to to back up his philosophy but he ultimately has changed the the club in a great way. He got rid of all the fucking bad comics and he brought in a lot of headliners and guys like Bill Burr and Davidoff and all these New York guys that were moving in here

and he brought them in. He brought Silverman in. Before, they wouldn't put Sarah Silverman on the OR. They wouldn't put on Bill Burr because they had to be passed by Mitzi. And you changed that. In many ways – I mean in a lot of ways, you changed the club and now I'm leaving. No, no, no.

No, because I want to go. You can't go yet. My thing I worked on was to try to help it be healthy. This is a creative place. A lot of people get up and work out. These guys are doing what they're doing. Bobby was already on television when I met him, but continues to be a dynamic performer because he uses these stages to keep his craft honed. One of the things you're going to learn about stand-up as you go along is they make it look easy because they work hard at it all the time, every night.

I love it. I love it. They have to be obsessed with it. To be honest with you, as I'm sitting before you, I'm a performer by nature. I've been on stage. I was a music theater major in school. I was a lead in every play, lead singer in a band. I did all this stuff. But when Mitzi talked to me and she's like, oh, I think you ought to be a comedian. I went, you know, Mitzi, I've been around here for a few months and I realized that the people that do it are obsessed with it.

She goes, absolutely. I went, I know I could do it, but I'm not obsessed with it. I said, what I am becoming interested in, which is the reason I'm sitting here, is I said, what I am becoming interested in, Mitzi, is you. I never met anyone like you before. And she's like, nor will you ever again.

And I became interested. You know it too, Bob, because you've talked to her. So that's a little bit why Tony has me here too, is that I have an ability. She said people that are very talented can see talent. And that's one of my secrets. I'm very talented. She knew I was. But whether I'm using it or not in the same capacity or not, it doesn't matter.

I can still see it. And one of the things she has a big byline, which you guys are going to learn exists in the comedy store in our walls, is it's a sin to encourage mediocre talent. She said that to me, too. And she also said that. This is what else she said. She goes, Mommy, you know what makes a star? I go, what is it?

And I was a kid. I was like 24 years old. I was living in San Diego. And she used to drive down there with Freddy Soto in the limo. And I used to just – she would take us to like steak dinners and stuff. It was really cool. And this is 1995, 1996. And she said, what makes a star is two things.

Number one, half the people have to love you. I go, cool. What's the other thing? Half of them have to equally hate you. You know what I mean? Fuck yeah. So it's like whenever, like on Twitter, people go, you pan-faced gook. Like people say shit.

You're not funny. Quit, right? And to me, for them to like go out of their way to write that, that hatred, doesn't really – I mean it does sting a little bit but you know that you're in the right realm because that's what Mitzi said, right? Like that you have to cause emotion. So it's like when people say you suck or this and that, that's a good thing because you're causing reactions out of people. There's only a few comics that are lukewarm that everyone loves. You know what I mean? I mean, like,

I think Seinfeld's kind of like that. Maybe Ray Romano. But, like, people like Roseanne Barr or even Jim Carrey in many ways cause a reaction.

You know what I mean? A lot of people hate him. But a lot of people love him. Dane. People love Dane. But people hate him. You know what I mean? But that's why Dane stays where he's at. You know what I mean But that's why Dane stays

Where he's at You know what I mean But the problem that Dane has Is he's not artistically validated By other artists And that's why he goes crazy Yeah He's talented by

He pushes out a great energy A great performance A great delivery A great work ethic But does he have natural ability That might be what's missing There are three things Mitzi told me That people have that make it, which you have, Bobby.

Talent, work ethic, and desire. Talent, work ethic, and desire. And the way she named the desire line is for people is that she goes, they have to want it more than babies. It's so true. Can I say something real quick? Yes, Iron Patriot. Hey, on Twitter I noticed several people tweeted that they thought

Joe Rogan would be a great guest on this show. But those people, I don't think they realized that he had a falling out at this club, and he refuses to come back. Red Band, is there anything they can bring up? You can bring up an entire episode. That's too long to come back. Red Band, is there anything that can bring him back? You're like, you can bring up like an entire episode. That's too long to talk about.

We actually have to because we have the Ding Dong Show, world famous Ding Dong Show at 10 o'clock. So let's just step away. But you should have an episode of that because there's a lot of – I was in the middle of all that shit too. I was more than in the middle. I'm the one that made the call. If anyone wants to know what really happened with Joe Rogan Patriot, all you have to ask is me. Because I know everything.

Damn! Powerful Tommy Morris! Holy shit. Alright, well, you know, he's trained by the queen of stand-up comedy, Mitzi Shore, who just turned 82 years old, by the way. Excuse me, 83.

83? Holy shit. Born in 1930. That's amazing. And Bobby, where are you going? Bobby, we got five more minutes. You can do this. Sit down. Come on. So we figured we'd have him on to check out our two regulars here. Going up first, as always,

out of the two, you know her and you love her as the original female of the Kill Tony podcast. She was on and you love her as the original female of the Kill Tony podcast. She was on episode one. She was the only female in the house. Since then, we've slowly created her over nine weeks, built her. Here she is, Sarah Mostajabi,

doing her newest minute of material. Hey, guys. So, you know, I'm single now, which is great. I finally have a reason to take naked pictures again. It's my favorite pastime of mine, you know? Because now I can finally focus on my eating disorder. You know? I can just take all these naked pictures and just tear myself apart

about how pathetically fat and sad you are, you whore. apart about how pathetically fat and sad you are you whore I I've been I've been on this diet for a couple weeks on this Danita diet and it works really well you know you just don't eat a fucking thing and you lose so much weight I barely even I've never had an ass but now I have legs my back stops and my legs just kind of shoot out of my spine. I don't know. I can't really compete with all these Miley Cyrus twerking videos.

I'm white trash but I just can't get the meth chic going so keep on throwing up. It's not that I'm bulimic. It's just that I love food so much I want to taste it again. Oh, there you go.

Tommy, what are your initial feelings and thoughts when you're around Sarah Mostajabi? That's hard. First of all, she's performing sideways and she feels like she's on the spot. I first feel the energy that she's projecting which is a little bit different than just performance energy

it's trying to put something out everyone just has to relax a little bit you might pull your face a little bit away from the microphone because it distorts a little bit and then we can't see your face which is part of the performance microphone work is a thing a lot of people have to learn.

It's a very small nuance that I work with a lot of people about. But lots of people go like this and this and this and this, but we can't see you. So you want to work close to it, but still want to be able to see your face. Bobby knows exactly how to space it perfectly. He's an example, like Dov Davidoff and Sebastian and John Caparulo, because they got used to it.

So just remember it's something to work with. Other than that, I don't know. Your last name, where are you from? Heritage-wise. I'm half Persian. Do you ever talk about that in your act? I do, but the last time I did that, I got ripped apart so hard.

Because we don't need to hear about your happy trail, hair, stomach. Right. No, but cultural. What was it like growing up like cultural, like how, what it was like growing up. Yeah, I mean, one of the things that I wrote

was that, you know, I wanted to date when I was a teenager, but my dad wouldn't let me talk to boys until after I was married. Yeah. I mean, like,

so there was, I mean, I did that, I mean, I've written a new minute every week since I started stand-up. And so I did do that a couple weeks every week since I started stand-up. I did do that a couple weeks ago. You're working on a new minute.

She has those jokes, but it's a different minute this week. I just want to know what her life was like. You caught a new minute this week. Okay, I'm just saying. All right, fine. No, I know. You're in a process. One of Mitzi's lines is, becoming a stand-up comedian is a process,

so embrace the process. Just write, keep going up. You have a nice look. You've created an interesting look, that's for sure. Well, that's part of it. One of her lines, too, the look is everything. Definitely. Can I say something about Sarah?

Oh, my God. A lot of comedians use that style where they put themselves down, but I don't know if that's necessarily good for her because she's really a hot girl. And she talks about she's hairy and then today she's talking about kind of she's fat. No, I disagree with you. Well, I mean, I don't know if it's for her though. Remember when you were talking about those guys going on a hunt? Patriot, Bobby disagrees with you.

I disagree because in this way, all right? Because when girls that are attractive are on stage, they have two things working the men right because they want to fuck them right and number two girls they go who the fuck you know i mean so you have to dumb it down like whitney cummings you know i mean not not when she's doing montreal but when she was like coming up you know i mean or even i knew chelsea handler when she was coming up they wouldn't wear makeup they'd wear loose jeans and like a hoodie. You know what I mean? And they would look...

You know what I mean? Because they knew intuitively that they don't... Because genetically, they are pretty people. You're right. So I just think that... You know what I mean? That if she wants to do some self-deprecating jokes, it'd be actually good.

It's okay. Don't get... Take it in the middle. Just don't get lost in them. Yeah. Self-deprecation, poops, farts, cum. It's like, that stuff is easy in a way. So it's like you can do it a little bit, but you can't go crazy with it.

I'm, at this point, I'm just trying to be, like, genuine and honest and talk about the things that I really think or feel and kind of reflect on myself rather than making Sesame Street jokes. That's the process. That's the process. Yeah, yeah. There you go. She did good.

Sarah Mostajabi. Sarah dresses on Twitter. And your second, as always, regular comedian on here. We just recently found out that she's having so much fun doing stand-up in L.A. since starting on the Kill Tony podcast that last week she dropped out of motherfucking college. That's right, everybody. Only a year left to go, too, and she still did it.

She can do that anywhere. Put your hands together for the one and only Kimberly Congbin, everybody. Hi, guys. My mom's puerto rican um and there's a few problems with having a puerto rican mother because i feel like we have a lot of miscommunication and we're very open uh so i started dating this guy a while back and uh she calls me when it first starts up and she's like hi kimberly how did it go last night i'm like oh it was really good mom he was really nice you know he paid for dinner we had a good time she's like did you make out with

him i'm like no you know i don't do that on the first day she's like oh baby i'm so proud of you i'm so proud of you cool cool so we talk about it all the time she i give her the weekly updates she didn't ask me for a while and then um about a month later she calls me up again and she's like kimberly how's that boy happy is that boy good he treating you good i'm like yeah no he's treating me great mom she's like you'll make out with him yeah of course i made out with him we've been you know we've been hanging out for like a month of course i made that she's you did i'm like yeah of course i didn't mom she's like mom what do, what do you think make out means? She's like, I think that means you fuck him. And I'm only confused because...

You got to finish it. What are you a little confused about? I was going to say I'm confused because I've told my mom that I've made out with lots of guys. Sorry. That is a legitimate tag to... And that's a true story. The only reason I meowed at you is because you were already over a minute, though. But that was cool that you did your whole minute as one joke instead of taking it.

Just too long a setup. Here's the thing. I've been telling actually some older comedians. Yakov Shmurnov is a person I said this to. He actually listened to me, and it helped him. He goes, in today's day and age with communication with phones and everything being so quick, everyone's attention span is kind of short. So to get the hook, which is the laugh, you have to do it quickly.

I've noticed that a lot of the people, it's not like you have to make it, but either say something funny or even a comment, which can end up in your connection. Or you can make the setup funny. So have like little funny ways of making the setup funny. But what we're doing is we're following along until we get to the button, you know what I mean? And it's like a minute. Right. You know what I mean?

It's like, you know, I just came back from Orlando. I did a headline there at the improv all week and I just flew back this morning. I mean, you have to get laughs every 15 seconds. Yep. Or you lose the crowd. I mean, that's where we're at, You know what I mean? And it's like not fun, but that's the

game. You know what I mean? So it's like that's all. But you know what? Can I say something? I feel bad. You're not... I'm not the reason why you quit college, right? No, no. I was on the fence about it when you... Yeah, but did I pull you... Yeah. Why? Well, I was already wanting to do it and then you

said that thing. Bobby, what? I didn't ruin your life, though, did I? Jesus, Bobby. Wow. No, no, no. Okay, I just want to say, you've been only doing it for a month, right? Yeah.

You're absolutely so comfortable up there. Yep. There were guys like Mugzilla was shaking. And he's been doing it since I've been doing it. Yeah, since Nom. There were guys like Mugzilla was shaking And he's been doing it since I've been doing it Yeah since Nom You are so Just calm and collective

And a lot of people when they do characters When they're first starting They break in and out of it They come in and out of it because they get so nervous But you committed to the character And I could see the difference between your voice And your mom's voice so So that's all good. I have a dinner at 10.30, man.

I got to fucking go, man. 10.30? How far away is the dinner? It's in Koreatown. Really? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to Parks at 10.30. Is there anything you want to promote or anything?

This gets tens of thousands of listeners. I'm in a cartoon in August coming out called The Awesomes. It's with Seth Meyers, Rachel Dratch. It's on Hulu. Fuck yeah. And I'm a character on it. It's with Seth Meyers, Rachel Dratch. It's on Hulu. And I'm a character on it. So watch that. And you're here all the time. Thank God. We love having you here.

Bobby Lee, everybody. There he goes. Off to Koreatown. That's Kimberly Congdon. Follow Kimberly on Twitter at... What is it again? Kimberly Congdon. Kimberly Congdon. Spelled like it sounds. C-O-N-G-D-O-N. That's Kimberly Congdon. Kimberly Congdon, spelled like it sounds. C-O-N-G-D-O-N. That's Kimberly Congdon.

That's at Sarah Dresses. Tommy Morris, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you very much. You can meet Tommy anytime you come to the World Famous Comedy Store, except for Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Go up to the cover booth, say hi, ask him a question, meet him. Not you comedians. I'm talking to the listeners.

Don't annoy Tommy, you comedians, you vultures. He'll get to know you when it's time enough. Please put your hands together for Tommy Morris, who was nice enough to grace us. That's a big deal, believe it or not. I mean, a really big deal. As always, the Comic Patriot. Thank you so much. Follow him on Twitter

at Comic Patriot, at Red Band, at Tony Hinchcliffe. And we'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix in September. Go to StandUpLive.com or DeathSquad.tv for all the tour dates. Coming up next, we've got a live ding-dong show, world-famous ding-dong show, every Monday at 10 p.m. Stay tuned for that if you want to watch some craziness. Thank you so much for coming out.

Sorry to the comedians that didn't get up. Try again next week. Thank you so much for coming out. Sorry to the comedians that didn't get up. Try again next week. Thank you. Good night. ДИНАМИЧНАЯ МУЗЫКА ច្រាបស់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រាប់ពីន្រា Thank you.