KILL TONY - KILL TONY #90

Episode Date: April 4, 2015

Joe Rogan, Al Madrigal, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Jerron Horton, Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 01/26/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Death Squad. This episode of Kill Tony and all the episodes that we do here at Death Squad can be found online at DeathSquad.tv and on iTunes under Death Squad. Check out DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates and you'll see that we're all over the place. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are about to start our spring tour and there's a lot of cool dates coming up including, that's right

two years in a row we are going to be in Vancouver for 420 so go there, find out, it's me and Tony it's during all the weed festival shit that's going on there, it's going to be great we're playing a big place

we are playing the Harbor Events Center in Vancouver, Canada. And again, that's 4-20. April 20th. Also, me and Tony are going to San Francisco May 12th at the Punchline in San Francisco. And then May 13th

we'll be in Sacramento at the Punchline. And don't forget that every Friday we have a show at the Ice House, a Duff Squad comedy show. And then every Monday we have a show at the Comedy Store, Kill Tony, what you're listening to right now. And that's a free show. So check it out. DuffSquad.TV. Click on tour dates.

Also check out ShopSquad.TV. We have a new preorder for a T-shirt. check out shop squad dot TV. We have a new pre-order for a t-shirt. It's the, uh, itchy all over, which is a remix of the old itchy shirt. And it's printed all over the t-shirt, like back front and everywhere. So it's like a pretty crazy shirt. So the presale is available for that right now is to get on board because it's only a very small amount being made of these. All right, guys, this is one of two more episodes. I know it's very far behind, and I want to apologize for all the videos and audios for being delayed. We are doing some reconstructing here at Death Squad,

and we will catch up eventually. You just have to get through this little bullshit that we're going through right now. But this episode and another episode that has yet to be released have to get through this little little bullshit that we're going through right now um but this uh this episode and another episode that has yet to be released are the two episodes that unfortunately we lost due to a problem with the sound recorder our new sound recorder that we bought it was corrupting files so it looked like everything went well but then when you tried to open it they're uh screwed uh so we had to buy an all new

mp3 recorder but i bought a top of the line one and that starts kicking in soon so uh i apologize i took had to again take this episode take the audio from a camera try to clean it up uh it's not the best um but there's like seven other episodes that are perfect quality. So I'm sorry about it. We're trying to do this and fix this problem and hopefully everything's good coming soon. All right, guys, thank you for being patient with Death Squad. We promise we are coming back blazing. So just be patient. All right, here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbeck, coming to you live from the world-famous comic store for a brand new

episode of Kill Tony, volume 2. Give it up for Tony! Yes, sir! Give it up for Tony Hitzler! Here we go again, everybody. Good, good, good, good. Your chair's like a farm. Hi, everybody. How are you? Happy Monday.

That's what it sounds like. We have new speakers, everybody. Put your hands up for new speakers. Give it up for somebody from the crowd. And walk quiet now, double-billed. Is that just coming from here? Do you guys hear me okay? Yeah.

All right, cool. Hi, everybody. Happy Monday to you. Welcome to almost episode 100 of Kill Tony. We're flying through them. Hi, everybody. Welcome. You guys ready for a crazy night tonight or what?

We have brand new speakers, everybody. About a month and a half ago, we did a benefit to get new speakers in the belly room because we were running off of an AM radio before. And we made a good amount of money. The Comedy Store, the best comedy club in the world, was nice enough to match the money that we made. There is an elite fucking sound system here. So amazing that it's just fucking on top of me and I'm finding it immediately annoying. Yeah, right? Yeah, it's right on top of our heads. I can't imagine what it actually sounds like. Jake, does it sound good? Sounds great. Okay, great.

Big hands go to Jake, everybody. We have a crazy show for you tonight. Two of my favorite guests that I've ever had on the show, even though we always have fun every week here. These guys are monsters. Oh yeah, by the way, a big thank you to the people around the world that bought tickets to that Main Room Benefits show that didn't even come.

They just bought it to donate to the speakers. I just wanted to give you listeners a crazy fucking shout out because you must be maniacs if you did that. Yeah, there was 23 people that bought tickets that didn't show up just to help support the sound system. Amazing. And what's weird is I actually did a show in Vegas that had a horrible sound system. And my whole show I had to screen my set. It's so funny how timing is so important.

Having a good set to have a good show. No one could hear me. It was in a huge casino. I'm going, the whole set. I was in a theater in Sweden doing two shows with Joe Rogan and the sound was amazing. I'm sure.

I cannot relate to you whatsoever. Our gourmet chef cooked us meals tonight, everybody. Elise Lane is over there, our only sponsor in this show. Elise Lane is a gourmet chef that cooks a meal for us and the guests every single week. It's unbelievable.

Tonight she made sweet and spicy chicken breasts with pineapple, bell pepper, red onions, peanuts, and basmati rice oh god smells so good totally in the mood to smell a meal right now Elise Lane is at Elise Lane on Twitter and at the girl with a pan Russell Peters just hired her a few weeks ago to give it to her full-time executive chef put Put your hands together for Elise. Elise, in the week, Brian, that we've done this, we have a head of security. I'm really, really excited to bring this guy up.

You know, he used to be the Iron Patriot. For those of you that don't know, there was a guy in a $5,000 Iron Man, but different American Iron Man suit. And he had this crazy $5,000 costume. He said, let me be part of your show. I'd love to be part of it. I said, with an outfit like that, how can I resist? So we used to let him stand right over there on the side of the show. About episode 30 or 40, he started getting, you know, really popular on Twitter and found this newfound, very, youfound, very youthful yet promising growth in his popularity.

And he used to tell us a lot of crazy shit, like dogs licking things off of him. Yeah, he was a racist. It was fun to have him on. We would talk to him. We had a great banter with him because it's this guy in a suit, so I could make fun of him as hard as I possibly could without hurting the audience's feelings. a suit so I could make fun of him as hard as I possibly could without hurting the audience's feelings. Anyway, by about episode 30 or 40, he literally said that he got too big for the show, that he's the driving force in the show, and that when it gets picked up by a major network, he'd be willing to negotiate to come back. That's true. He said that he was irreplaceable. So every single week since he left us, we've replaced him with a brand new Iron Patriot each week in a $30

Amazon Prime suit. Ladies and gentlemen, this Patriot, it's his second time. He's an employee here at the Comedy Store, one of the promising young talents here. This is his second time being the Patriot. Put your hands together for Jerron Horton.. . There he is. He's very mellow and comfortable. How you doing, Patriot? Good. How you doing? Good. You're one of the only Patriots that I think would make a great wide receiver. Am I right?

Yeah, you're right about that. I'm way too good at black football. Fuck yeah. I bet you are. Last time you were our patriot, we found out that you don't like Asians very much. Like I said before, I don't think they're discriminated against enough. Yeah. Equal racism for everyone. Exactly. I love it. Well, thanks for being with us.

You excited about tonight's show? Of course, I'm excited to meet the guests. It's going to be crazy. Over 40 comedians all slammed in the very back of this diabolical room signed up for the opportunity to do one minute on stage and talk to our guests. So let's bring up our guests. Tonight, two of my great pals, two guys who I've worked with many times, two great

friends, and two of the best comedians in the world. We're going to dance together for Joe Rogan and Al Madrigal. Al Madrigal and Joe Rogan. Holy shit. That's all right. That's good. We just happened to walk upstairs at that moment.

Oh, perfect. It worked out. Perfect time. Comedy gods are looking out for us tonight. There's some intro music for you if you heard it right there for a second. How's it going? Joey, you've done the show before? Yes, I have, Tony.

It's great to have you back. Al, this is your first time. This is my first time. And are people regulars? Have you guys the show before? Yes, I have, Tony. It's great to have you back. Al, this is your first time. This is my first time. And are people regulars? Have you guys seen this before? No. Yes, and those are comedians up there. Some of them are comedians.

Behind those guys. And this is the Iron Patriot. He keeps us safe. Makes sure nothing ever goes crazy, even though nothing ever has. But every week, our Patriot has a question for our guests. So, Patriot, go ahead. First question is for Joe. Like you all know, I do park cars at the Comedy Store.

And my question for Joe is, when are you going to let me drive the Porsche? That's not going to happen. I don't know how good you drive. That's not a car. That's a messed up car. It's dope, though. It's not. It shouldn't be legal.

You shouldn't be able to just drive one of those things. I have a critique about you as a law guy, by the way. You're one of those guys that when you get in the car, you adjust the seat, and then you don't move it back afterwards. It's very true. You're not talking about that. So what, man? They're just parking cars.

Yeah. When I get in the car at the end of a long night, fucking already nursing a hangover from that night, I get in my car and I just end up flopping down like it's a bed. Fuck yeah. What's your question for Al? Al, huge fan of yours. I just want to know the fact but it's so funny that the iron patriot says that he's a huge fan

because Tony knows the story. See, I haven't been to the Comedy Store in about three and a half years. It was commuting back and forth to New York. And when I first pulled in the line. Do you want to explain the story? I'll explain it. How is sound coming from your dick? Yeah, man.

It's just how it works. Oh, that's an O. That's a powerful dick. That causes feedback. It was a very humbling experience coming back to the Comedy Store. And it's tough. I saw... Who was the guy?

Was it Little G that came back here? There's a drunk, sort of African-American comic who came back here and flipped out. Because when you're here for a long period of time and then a door guy doesn't recognize you, you feel like shit. You're like, no, I'm a comedian. And you made me sort of do that.

Yeah, Geron was working a lot in the back lot. Al was here to do a benefit in the main room, and it was Al's first time here in years, and Al went to the parking lot, and he said to Jaron just casually, you know, usually young comics who end up working hard enough to even get a job here,

which is so hard to do, they know a lot about comedians and comedy at that point. It's sort of like a Navy SEAL of being a young comic. I remember before ever seeing you, Al, for good comics, there's

warnings. Like, hey, there's this guy coming in tonight. He used to open up for Kenneson. Or there's this guy from Bobbidi-Bob. You hear these different things. I was notorious when I was here on a regular basis. Such a fucking asshole, too. I remember getting an intro from Eliza Schlesinger, who said, she goes,

you guys see this ex-guy on Letterman? Never been on Letterman. And you've seen him on Comedy Central? And then I shook her hand and walked up on stage, and she goes, hope you've been on Comedy Central. And I went, fuck you. And I started yelling at her from the stage. I go, I know what every fucking guy on that list has done.

I'm not friends with every single one of them, but just out of respect, I know who everybody is and what they've fucking done. And I go, fuck you. Hope you've been on Comedy Central. Fuck you. Learn your shit. It's fucking tough. I'm crazy.

What's wrong with you back then? What's wrong with me now? Not much has changed. Well, I'm angry you weren't like that. You were pretty low on it. I think so. Were you more intense as your career picked up? No, no, no.

I've had that job where I used to fire people for a living. Like, I was always like, ready to go at any moment. Yeah. Never been in a fight in my entire life. Always ready. Always ready to fucking kill somebody. But I was really cool, right? Yeah, no, he was cool.

Yeah, I didn't say anything like that. I said, uh, hey, I guess I want to be coming back because I talked to you. Right, he casually said to Jerron, while he's like leaning against his car, he's looking at the comedy store and it's bumping and he just had fun in the main room. So he goes, you know what, man,

I think I'm going to start coming back here. And Jerron, not knowing who Al Madrigal was, he made a classic blunder, goes, oh, what did you, used to do comedy here or something? Talking to him like this stuff. And I just said, yeah. Al and I did the original cops, the old school cops. It only said like 120 people.

Yeah, it was very tiny. What did I get to see? It was a 200-seater, but underground, like all great comedy, like the Denver Comedy Works. It was a 200 seats? 200 seats. He would just pack them all in. But that was totally illegal, right? Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. There was a fire thing on the floor. There was like 98 seats. It was people on top of people. It was not much bigger than this room. It was really big. We don't believe in fire hazards here at Kill Tony, as you can see, by this quiet yet packed crowd.

But anyway. It was totally different from the new one. Right. It was a much smaller type of place. That cop was a shockingly big in St. Louis. The old one was the shit, man. It was so good. It was the best room in San Francisco.

Small room underground. Always sort of worse. DC improv. Guys would make less money to work there. It was so good. They would forego a larger place. Wow. Yeah, it was amazing. You guys love comedy.

We love talking about it with you guys. So let's do something crazy and watch comedians do time and then talk to them and each other. Alright. Sounds good. So let's get it started, guys. Over 40 comedians signed up for the chance to do a minute tonight. You guys ready to get this thing started or what?

You guys? You get one minute left to do it. You know your minute is up when you hear the sound of Kitty. Aw, that's adorable. That means wrap up your time right then, because that's your minute, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Ah! Ah! Ah! Yeah, don't make that happen.

So do your time and get out. Audience, you guys excited? Yeah! Here we go. Your first comedian doing a minute tonight. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Horace Ra. Shit.

I don't see Horace Ra. Horace Ra, everybody. Well, what's up? I got a minute? When does it start now? Ten minutes ago. Ten seconds ago. Oh, man. I guess I'll talk about my favorite subject. I got a minute. I'll talk about some pussy. Why in the world would every guy lie about the first time they get some pussy?

They always talk about, oh, I did it. It was all night long. But the first time I got some pussy, some good pussy, oh, it's going to last about 10, maybe 15 seconds. And then, you know, it went something like this. She says, what are you doing? Are you having a seizure? I said, is that what I'm doing?

I've never done this before. And it only lasts about 10 seconds. That's it. And then how much more time I got? Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, you're on 12 more seconds. Well, let me see Lil' kind of say, hey, that's why I was a firefighter, too. Because I could say pussy. That's why I was a firefighter, too. Because I could save pussy.

That's why. And firefighters do get a lot of pussy. Wow, you brought up a horse, and that's rare. Normally it's a cat, but the barnyard door is broken. A cat was great because a cat is a pussy. All right, Horace. Who signed you up for this show tonight? Did you do it?

Like, you had no idea what you were walking into? I had no idea. I've never been done it before. No digital for me. Have you ever done stand-up before? Yeah, but you know what I do? I tell stories a lot. Sure, sure. No, a minute is tough. This is horrible. I remember the first time going to the San Francisco Punchline, I waited

in the back of the room for nine months, and then a guy said, brought three of us to the side, and said, um, you guys can each do two minutes and I grabbed the two guys and I looked at I said no we'll wait more and because one minute two minutes is fucking horrible I'm sorry buddy and storyteller and I'm sure they're great but this is oh my my god. I can't see how any of you would subject yourselves to this.

You're a storyteller, so you had no business fucking signing up for this thing. Well, you could practice a tag if you wanted to. I don't understand why you would do this and what the fuck you were thinking. What made you sign up?

Did you sign up for the open mic downstairs? Yes, I signed up for the open mic. And then somebody else said, hey man, you could also put your name in a hat. It's not going to go well. Did you sign up? It doesn't always go this bad. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Year and a half. And how old are you? 48. That's fucking rough right there. I started late at 28, and that's fucking brutal. Well, good for you for fucking trying. I mean, this is tough because I hate being negative about anybody trying to do anything. Obviously, big round of applause for this fucking guy. I can immediately tell you that you haven't seen the show before. I have not seen the show.

It's going to be hard for me to shit on any of you, but if I were going to shit on somebody, it would just be you for fucking even trying to... There you go. There you go. If you want me to be mean to people, I have no problem. You don't have to be mean. No, I'll just be honest.

Of course. What did you do for work? Well, I was a firefighter. Got injured on the job, so I'm not a firefighter anymore. That's depressing. Yeah. Where were you a fucking firefighter? In Abil depressing. Yeah. Where were you a firefighter? In, uh,

Avalanto. Avalanto, California. What? Oh, high desert. Oh, wow. By, uh, Victorville.

What was the nature of your injury? Well, I got a, a smoke inhalation and a big, so, I guess it was a foul,

I, hey, fell down on me. And so. Was the smoke inhal relation after a bomb rip It could hold they couldn't keep How down. They couldn't keep me down. I understand. How long is your shortest story? Three minutes. No, I'm not.

Three minutes because that's how much time you have to open mics. What's that story about? Yes. Man, I have a million of them. A million of them. You have a million? What's the short one about?

The shortest one. When I went to jail. That's the shortest one. Wow. One time? Was it the time that they sent you to jail after filing a fake claim? I was going to say the same thing, but because I think it was a bale of hay, something fucking hits you in the back

that fucking takes you off the fire department. You know exactly what it is. I'm questioning the whole fucking thing. Well, it was a warehouse fire, so it had to be a bale of hay. What kind of injury did you get? What kind of injury did you get? It was smoking.

I smoked in the lake. Yeah, but the thing that hit your back. What did they say? Was it just smoking. I smoked in the night and I think I hit my back. What did they say? Was it a bulging disc? Was it herniated? Nah, it wasn't nothing. It was this. My back was hurt. How long did it work for? A couple hours? No, but I feel like we're on a TV show. Maybe a couple months. I feel like we're on a pop show and you're doing poorly.

We're on one of those shows and I'm going, son, you know what you did. And you were about to give in. You were about to give in. You were about to, wow, I would have got away from it. It wasn't you fucking meddling kids. No, I couldn't do it. They drug me. Come on, son, your back is fine.

It's fine now, yeah. Well, you don't even know what was wrong with it. You know when people hurt their back? That's like a serious thing. People tell you L4, L5, I had my disc fused. Oh, I don't have to have any of that. People have shit that punctures or their herniated disc pushes into their nerves, their feet go numb. Did to have any of that. People have, like, shit that punctures or their herniated disc pushes into their nerves,

their feet go numb. Did you have any of that shit? No. What kind of fucking injury do you have, man? Well. You're bullshitting. 100%. I bet that American hero,

I'm a firefighter that got injured on the job thing, works pretty well, though. Was it pre-9-11 or post-9-11 that you started telling people this? It was 9-11. That was pre-9-11. And I still got pussy after that. How dare you?

I'm going to say this is a general rule for you. Maybe that's your New Year's resolution. Stop saying the word fucking pussy. Just eliminate pussy from your vocabulary. I never say it. Things are going great. You have to mean it when you say it. It's like any other word. If it's the right word for what you mean, then it's fine.

But it seems like you're... because you're uncomfortable. When you're uncomfortable, anything controversial comes out extra, when you're uncomfortable anything controversial comes out extra weird because you're worried about people judging you already and so then you're uncomfortable, you're nervous, so you start guessing yourself like maybe I do sound like a douchebag when I say pussy. You say it like, I love pussy. When the acid's coming out, you feel it, right? Did you feel that when you're on stage? Like when it wasn't working, right? You know that feeling where you're like, ah, fuck, they don't like me. Right?

I think Horace is immune to that feeling. I think that's what got broken when that fucking thing hit your back. No, I can see you being a likable guy. I'm just saying, a general note that I have for everybody in every stand-up comic is to

really, really be your fucking self. I hated the comics that are up there doing fucking characters and being insincere. Like I can't fucking stand them. Like I just, I can't listen to anything they're talking about. I really don't. I've seen a new level of anger at LWB. I'm not mad at them. No, I just, I really don't like it.

Just be yourself and tell the monkey. I mean, and that's why there's holes in your fucking firefighters. I mean, I don't, I, um. Who's that? Where do you go up? I mean, you say you only do stories. Where gives you, like, 15 minutes to do stories at? Do you get up anywhere?

I've been to a few places, but smaller venues. What are the names in 10 minutes? Artists. I can tell a whole story. One of them looks like the Michelle Hope Walker show. How many stories do you think you can get in in 10 minutes if you tried to go as fast as you can? Just out of curiosity.

My goal is for him to say ten so that he realizes that he could have told a story in a minute. Maybe three? Maybe two or three? Okay, cool. I love it. Horace, one final question. Since, under Al's advice, he doesn't want you saying pussy like you did,

what would be your backup word for pussy? What would be the second word that you think you'd go to for that? Kitty. Kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Wow! And with that, Horace, I'm going to send you off his next meeting. Horace Roth. Thank you for being here.

This is normally the part where I bring up the comedian's Twitter to promote them to the listeners that listen to the show. But Horace wrote down his Gmail account. Don't email him. Twitter to promote them to the listeners that listen to the show. But Horace wrote down his Gmail account. Don't do that. Don't do that.

I'm not sure Horace knows what Twitter is exactly. I use AngelFire. It's a tough fucking gig, man. You would be amazed how many people come up here and crush. It'll happen at some point.

Put your hands together for Jacob Grodnick. Okay. A lot of grinding going on at the club. You guys notice this? A lot of grinding. A lot of people trying to go out there, find someone to rub up on. Not a fan of grinding. I like when grinding's happening to me,

but the main reason I do not like grinding is because it is impossible to enact the grind without being creepy. It's impossible. It's impossible, it can't be done, right? Because, you know, you think about it and, you know, used to actually ask girls to dance, right? You go up to them and be like, hey, would you like to dance? Maybe they say yes, but now you kind of just time your assault. Right? The girls kind of dance in their own world and you've got to kind of just like pinpoint You gotta kinda just pinpoint her and say, okay, okay, don't freak out! Plus you need a half-chub in order to grind correctly. I mean, you can't go in there unarmed,

backing up on you, not feeling anything, thinking you're a eunuch, that's not a pack of that. You can't go in there guns a-blazin', right? You're not trying to knight the girl in front of ya. You need the half-chub, because if you think about it, it's the Goldilocks of the penis sizes, right? You're not trying to knight the girl in front of you. You need the half-chub, because if you think about it, it's the Goldilocks of the penis sizes, right? Yikes. Okie dokie. Thank you for having me, everybody.

Thank you. Jacob, so this is your first time on the show. Yeah. You've got to speak into the microphone. Yeah, first time. How long have you been doing stand-up? I haven't done stand-up in over a year. You haven't done it in a year, but how long? Before then?

Off and on for maybe like a year in college. Off and on is something no one should ever say. But welcome back. Thank you. I'm guessing in between, by the looks of you, you were telling these stories at a tiki bar. Yeah.

Got into the import-export business. Opening up for Jimmy Buffett, perhaps. Exactly. What do you do for work? Right now, I'm a bellman. A bellman? Yeah. Not a bellboy.

A bellman. What's the difference? Uh, there's a pretty big difference. Oh, whoa. Whoa. He gave the classic scared-as-fuck squeak before that. There's a difference. I'm not educated about the two.

What's the difference? The age? The age? Yeah. No, there's no difference. There's no difference. So that's like... Why did you say that?

Uh, to be funny. Nice try. Were you once a bellboy? Did you grow into it? Is that the only job you've had? In the bell service. So this is at a hotel? This is at a hotel.

Holy shit. Can we say the hotel? What hotel? Yeah, Hotel Angelino. Is that nice? No. A lot of people are saying no to that, right? What?

So I get a lot of people carrying their own bags is what I'm... It's all mostly foreign people that come stay there because they see on some website that it's like nice, but it sucks. Every room faces the freeway. You take people to the room and they're like, do you have any rooms that don't face the freeway? And they're like, no. What's the craziest thing you've seen on the night working at the Angelina?

Ah, craziest thing. I've seen the movie Four Rooms, which I love, with Tim Roth. And it's a great story about a bellboy getting his first night on the job, New York Hotel, New Year's Eve. It's fucking great. Actually, the last two rooms are great that are directed by Robert Rodriguez and Tarantino. The first two, you sort of have to just watch it for Tim Roth.

But anyway, what's the craziest thing you've seen? I saw a dad that pulled up in this maroon van, and he got out, and he shoved this kid to the ground, and it kind of hit him. How old was the kid? The kid was like 11. Oh, Jesus. When you say he kind you say hit him what does that mean exactly uh like he like when he got up and smacked him on the head and kept shoving him and then when you jumped in what happened i kind of retreated back didn't do anything didn't at least try to throw a hawaiian shirt in the middle of it didn't do anything, didn't at least try to throw a Hawaiian shirt in the middle of it. Distracted over there.

Specifically that Hawaiian shirt is that you should throw anywhere but on yourself. How long have you had that shirt for? About a week. What? You gotta be kidding me. That was a current conscious decision? That's like a fucking tattoo decision. Any other comics by the way wearing Hawaiian shirts? Are there any other Hawaiian shirt wearing comics? Out of the

40 comics, is anyone else rocking a Hawaiian shirt? Nope. I got it. I got it. A tourist left that and you got it from the awesome fat. That's a good way to say it, yeah. No offense at all, but sometimes when I see other comics dressed like this, I would say,

fucking really, is this what I'm doing? Have I ever seen... Oh, this is horrible. Where'd you get the shirt from? Food store. I was shooting a little funny video with my friends. Part of the character along with the bleached hair. Oh, you did both of that for the video?

Let's see the hair yeah that's what I just said holy shit that's your actual hair? yeah you poor fucking thing you look like you could be funny you should really try

to stick around and come out every single night can I get some sincere advice? Absolutely. Just keep going. Like, I was talking to these guys. These guys are in fucking Sweden and they're out here tonight. Like, I mean, again, you know, I've worked all day fucking long and I'm here.

What's going to separate you from everybody else is not doing this fucking off and on. You've got to be sincerely dedicated to this shit and then fucking ten years later we'll see what happens, but fucking to say off and on and fucking yeah, I can't I can't help you There's something that you did when you very first started or we need something you did or said that you can't believe that you did or said on stage yeah or you know i mean i have plenty of stuff that you know when you're starting and you figure out like i'll never fall to anybody a year or two years in for any of their material because you're you're figuring

shit out my very first started my first set i think i did an impression of the entire time of a guy that i went to high school with. It was horrible. And then I went and I wrote a joke the next time that I kept for a year and a half. I don't know. I'll never fault anybody. There's a lot of learning that goes on and

it's all by experience. So yeah, I did some very questionable... Do you remember anything that you said specifically that you can't believe that came out of your mouth in the very beginning? Oh, joke-wise? Yeah. Yeah, I mean... The stuff that you're saying that you won't fault anybody for saying.

I did an homage. A lot of people... I remember the bit off the top of my head. A lot of people ask me who my favorite comedian is, who I look up to. And the answer to that question, ladies and gentlemen, is Jerry Jewell. If you don't know who Jerry Jewell is, she's a female comedian with cerebral palsy. She was on the show

Facts of Life. She played Blair's cousin Jerry. Nobody? Anybody remember? So, I would do a fucking huge long... We were just talking about this downstairs. I would do this big homage to Jerry Jewell. Now, in case you don't remember, let me do one of her lines from the show.

This is actually one of Blair's lines. I mean, Blair's cousin Jerry's line from the show. Backslide. Here you go. But Blair, I like boys, too. And I do, and that's one of her lines from the show. And a lot of people don't remember her as a stand-up comic, but she was a great comic. And then I started doing her material.

And after she would do bits, I would just scream off to the right-hand side. So, what's the difference between elephant and rhino? What's the difference between elephant and rhino? I would just do that all the time. That's amazing! I would say she gets. That's amazing! I would say she gets super dirty and weird and a lot of people don't know this

but she was really a blue... I'd work with David Cross and all these people and the Wade staff just fucking loved it. So the bartenders at the San Francisco Punchline were like, dude, please do fucking Jerry Jewell. And I did it for like two and a half years AHHHHHHHHH

This is hilarious And a woman choked me at Little Combs when I got off stage and it went incredibly well and then this woman comes up to me, I'm like, in front of my good friend, and they're standing in the back, and I was like, oh, this lady's gonna give, you know, props for a good set. Started choking the shit out of me.

I had four comics, had to pull her off. But yeah, I did that. Like, there's a lot of stuff. Like, you know, it's just stuff I don't fault anybody for choices but the thing is I really wanted to get better and I worked with a lot of people

I went to the Cobbs and the San Francisco Punchline every single night I walked to each club I lived in between and I walked there every single night and I sat and I saw every fucking headliner that walked in that place. And I looked and saw exactly what they did well. And then I knew to really try, and I really wanted it.

So I'm just like, I don't know, effort-wise. Well, some people just have difficulty committing to anything in life. They just have difficulty following through. And I think stand-up is one of those things you kind of have to be obsessed with it. And if you're not obsessed with it, you're just not going to put the proper amount of time. And I've had times in my life when I wasn't obsessed

with it, and I fucked off, and it didn't go well. It's one of those things you have to be on it now. It's just too complex and weird. Do you remember me asking you at the Ice House the other episode that you did if there was something that you can't believe you said or did in the very beginning? I don't know. What did I say?

I don't remember. Weed! It doesn't help. Is there something that you can't believe you said or did in the very beginning? I had some awful shit about Corky from Life Goes On. Wow, look at you guys both going to your sitcoms in the beginning.

Evil bit. It's such an evil bit. Because Corky from Life Goes On was a guy who had Down Syndrome. And he was on a television show. And the idea was like, I go, it's kind of a fucked up, dirty trick. Because they're making you watch this show

because you feel bad about the kid. Like, you know, I did a thing about my, which actually kind of happened. My girlfriend was like, let's just watch the end of the show. He's got Down syndrome. Like, she wanted to watch it. She goes, I think it's so sweet that they're doing the shows. And I sit there and watch the show. I go, but he doesn't know that.

He thinks he's a fucking star. That's part of having Down syndrome. You don't know what the fuck is going on. And he's in a limo with his posse All these hard kids, they all got bibs on They're drinking champagne, getting blowjobs And they're like, fuck you, I'm good And they're like, life's all downfield from here, right Corky?

Smooth sailing, boys I'm a triple threat, right, direct, produce Stop it! And I was doing this horrible, horrible bit about how they fired him from the show. The show got canceled, but his agent says, but listen, Corky, I got this new gig for you. It's an independent film.

It's a hidden camera movie about a guy who works in McDonald's. There's no script. I just want you to be real. You know me, it's never about the money, Bob. It was fucking horrible. I love it. That's amazing.

This was like my best bit when I was an open mic-er. When I was an open mic-er, every putty I worked with, every single host, because they were professional hosts, they'd go, drop that bit. So I would kill it was so i love it even the even the bits that you guys are embarrassed that you did in the beginning of your careers are hilarious so yeah thanks for those stories

this is actually a really funny funny rising guy i've seen this guy before it's the first time somebody's been pulled who i've seen before. Funny guy. Put your hands together for Brett Banta. Thank you. Hi, my name is Brett Banta with one T. I just went back to Austin to visit my family for the holidays. We had a big dinner, a Christmas dinner.

I always like sitting at the smaller table with the convicts and the kids and my Aunt Joanna because she has Alzheimer's. She sits there. They put her there. But she's always saying interesting stuff to me, like, Brad, what grade are you in now? I'd be in the 32nd grade now. Anyway, she's always, you have to be on the ball, really,

to talk with her, and she will, whenever I talk to her, she'll just, I can't remember most of the story. But, yeah. I see what you did there. Yeah, you committed to the Alzheimer's thing. That's her thing. You went for it. Interesting.

Brett, how's it going? Oh, it's good. That's one of the best natural deliveries I've ever been to. I messed up the joke. I panicked a little bit on one tag. Well, the good thing about messing up on a joke where you're doing an impression of an Alzheimer's case

is that no one can really tell exactly when you messed up. It's pretty perfect. I want to do a remember the Alamo thing. I want to say her Alzheimer's is really progressing. She's the only person in Texas that can't remember the Alamo, but I fucked up. That's topical. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two years. Very cool. You go up a lot, right? I have, but the past couple months I went back to Texas and I went up to some mics, but I need to get back to more of them. I've been trying to go up and I've been shooting shorts

with my friends. Just trying to write and do stuff like that. How old of a guy are you? 42. I started really late. When I heard you earlier, I was like... Robert Schimmel didn't start until he was either 34 or 36.

Who? Robert Schimmel. Oh, wow. Al started at 38. 28. 28? Oh. Wow. What the fuck?

Yeah, Al, the number one ranked comedian that's been doing it for three years. You don't have to be a certain age. No, no, no. It just gets a little tougher on you I think responsibility wise you guys spoke about that on a podcast I listened to and I was kind of depressed but then I just try and divide my time as quickly as I can it never ends by the way

I started at 22 and when I when i found out that chapelle and eddie murphy had started at 14 or 15 i'm like uh that's it i mean how can you you know there's definitely something those guys have a thing where in a lot there's a lot of guys like that when they started before college like that pre 14 15 16 there's sort of a major difference in their glean you know like there's something to chapelle where there's sort of a major difference in their glean. There's something to Chappelle where you can sort of tell that I think he would have been fine if he started when he was 30. It's just his mind.

There's people that started at 14 that still suck. I don't think it's related at all. But I don't think anybody should disappoint you or discourage you, rather. It doesn't matter. You're alive. If you're alive, what do you want to do? Do you want to work at this job?

Or do you want to be a comic? Well, you can do it. It's totally possible. There's no glass ceiling. In fact, it's one of the few jobs that doesn't have a fucking boss. There's no one that's going to hire you or fire you based on whether or not you're old. All you have to do is just be funny. I just left a job interview early

today to make it here. I enjoy writing, and I write every day. I'm OCD on always writing jokes or trying to come up with stuff. But I just need to get up and learn. That went great to you and Joke. That made me laugh. That was really funny. It's good stuff, man.

You do it. Don't let anybody discourage you just because you're 42. No, I know. It's all bullshit. You're alive. You live, you die. It's not like they're hiring 20-year-old chicks in bikinis. You know what I mean? You know, like, you have a shelf life. You can only be a 20-year-old chick in bikini

and you can only lie about that for so long. Just a related note, though. I am hiring 20-year-old chicks. Yeah. And you can tell, also, what I love is you are sincerely, like this is you. That's another thing. I'm still nervous, yeah.

Yeah. Part of being sober is just, I mean, you got to get up. Like I get my order right at Subway now that I've been sober, but I can talk to people, but I still get nervous every time. Well, we didn't know you were sober until you just brought that up. We didn't even know that you had a problem. Normally, it's when people are... Isn't it funny that you just say,

now that I'm sober, and everybody just goes, oh... There's a motherfucker. It's in the door. What else you got in there? I see cobwebs, some fucking bats flying around. The image in your head goes from him in a business suit to him sucking dick behind a dumpster.

I never saw the business suit. What's the craziest thing that you did when you weren't sober? I mean, when I was in Austin, I would throw rocks at cars and be a camouflage. Oh, you were a piece of shit. What kind of drugs would make you throw rocks at cars? I never did any drugs I just

I would drink beer When I had surgery on my leg I started smoking pot A surgeon was like off the record Miss Urbana Marijuana can help you with nerve damage So I guess I'm not I guess I'm sober light. I'm kind of

Nickelodeon sober. I'm not, I've smoked pot to kind of help with the injury I had, which really did help me sleep. I guess it's the alcohol. Sorry, I'm boring you guys, aren't I? So when you drink alcohol, do you get violent? One of those guys? I have a brother that's really big, and he would kind of keep me in check.

He got all the good genes, but I just, yeah, I don't communicate well, and I just, I would never be funny. Do you remember throwing those rocks, or did people have to tell you about it? No, I would remember doing that. I threw up on my mom's bed when I was 17 years old, and I remember that. When did you quit drinking? 21.

I was like, what? When did you quit drinking? Not getting sober help me do I've always wanted to stand up. I've never I've been very insecure to get up in front of people and to I love writing and I just Trying to do more you do it, the easier it gets. And your wife is super supportive of all this? Yeah, that's another huge issue. Right now, at my age, I'm trying to figure out a balanced time.

I read to my kids and then I go to the late night nights or wherever I can. Is your beautiful Asian wife drink? She does not. She can't. She has a... She gets like a red and yeah they all do yeah oh my wife she's talking really going for it right what was the job interview for NBC to do some design stuff so it's really just freelance I'm just trying

I'm kind of scraping by doing freelance. Yeah, I've just been doing that and trying to get enough to pay the bill. Fuck yeah, Brett. You have the personality of a fucking stool, but I love your style. I just did two shorts with my friend Jeff Rowan. Oh, Jesus. Unless those shorts are four seconds, I don't think anybody's going to give Rowan. Oh, Jesus. Unless those shorts are four seconds.

I don't think anybody's going to give a shit. No, I'm kidding. This is a mean show. I hosted, Joe. I'm sort of a bad guy. Brett, where can they find that? The actual just part without all the promo ahead of it? On Funny or Die homepage.

This would be the most important time to talk in the microphone. Sorry. Terrible advertising, right? Well, they've been finding it. Funny or Die. And what do they search on Funny or Die? Banta shorts, foxhole. Banta shorts.

Foxhole. It's a Vietnam with a lot of Asian women in it. They better be funny or the Death Squatters are going to leave terrible comments. One of the shorts was absolutely terrible, but one they put on the homepage, so I'm excited. Thank you guys very much for your time. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I think we all need a beer after seeing that. I thought that was positive. I think that there's been beer after seeing that. I thought that was positive. I think there's been some negative things to say.

What? They were said. No. The first couple guys, I mean, the Hawaiian shirt was really bad. They fucking said it. The next comedian goes by the name of Kip Hart. Thank you. So I recently failed a pregnancy test.

I was in line at the grocery store, and I asked a lady in line behind me when she was due. So from now on, so it's not awkward, I'm just going to rub all ladies' bellies. I told a friend of mine that story and he said, perhaps I should have suggested a lap band to the lady. But I didn't see how a group of tiny musicians would be of any help. I was waiting downstairs to come up and I got a text from my wife that said, I'm leaving you.

Then I got another one right after that that said, sorry, that wasn't meant for you. There you go. Damn hard. That was very good. I love it. I can't even see Tash Trove because it's a great idea. It came off a little odd, but that's a great idea. There you go, Kim Hart. That was very good. I'm happy to see that joke was a great idea.

It came off a little odd, but that's a great idea. Thank you very much. The last joke was hilarious. It's very fun. Perfect execution. Kim, how long have you been doing that? About six years, committed. Where at? I'm an Orange County guy, so a lot of Orange County stuff,

and then as often as I can, truck up here. And in between times, I work at Disneyland so I get kind of a work at the jungle cruise there wow a little bit of a action there the last one about the text that's a really good joke thank you it's really good joke very funny thank you I laughed a lot at the lap band I hit Tony on that. The pregnancy test, that really does happen, right? Yeah, for sure. What did you do before stand-up? Just Disney? No, that's just like a part-time job, and I have a day job that I do.

So you actually do the tour, and so you're on a mic non-stop. Yeah, literally in an eight-hour shift you're doing 40 sets. What are some of the bits? Oh, it's all... You kill on those things? I'm still there. Yeah, I do actually. I have to keep it. Yeah, I do. Kind of like how Brody Stevens does warm up for shows.

You get used to doing a lot of performances. Oh, for sure. You get a different audience every eight minutes. So it's... sometimes it gets a little weird. Do you ever get heckled on those things? I used to. When I first started, it's scripted, so a lot of the guests knew the punchlines. They would start stealing the punchlines

and say, you're a little frustrated. That's when I started writing my own stuff. That's hilarious. It was great because I'd kind of throw them off because then they weren't expecting it. And then I've submitted a lot of that material and they've accepted it into the official script. Of course, I have no attachment to it.

Is there a supervisor for that? It's like, you know, I like the new stuff. No. That's one of the things we have is what happens in the jungle stays in the jungle. When you think about it, it's pretty normal. Really great writing over there in the jungle.

Stole that from Vegas straight up. It has to be pretty rogue. It's not quite as rogue as it used to be. It has to be rogue as fuck. Can you hold the microphone by the actual microphone? How's that? Have you had anyone,

people are review crazy, have you had anyone complain or never? When you wrote the new stuff into the script, did they give you credit for that? Did they pay you for that? No, you sign off on a big, long legal paper. So other people can use your

shit. They can, but they don't. How dare they. It's because it's my stuff and they don't know how to... Can you give us just one example of one of the things that you put in the book? Sure. How about... What's happening right now? Right over here. So we're cruising along. That's the most important part right there.

It's a jumbo cruise, so it's in the name, right? Right over here, on the right, that is the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. The reason they call it the Temple of the Forbidden Eye is because Temple of the Forbidden Me is terrible grammar. I want to take your cruise, man. Seriously, I'm going to go. I think it's my daughter's

birthday, and we're going to be there on February 14th. I'm coming. I'm there in the next couple of weeks. Come to the exit and ask for Kip. I'm there most of the time. Kip. Yeah, Kip. Good job, Kip.

Are you going to be in the kitchen with me this year? Yes, sir. Insider. You got any Disney secrets to give us that we might not know? Absolutely not I'm still there Can I keep the job?

No, I mean like I heard that you know the people cleaning like they were walking around with the brooms and stuff I heard if you ask them for a button they carry buttons in their pockets Yeah, that's true. They do have some schwag, I guess. And those buttons are collectible,

and they're free. So if you go to Disney, find a trash person and follow them around. Wow, there you go. Well, I'll tell you this. At the Jumper Cruise, we have maps that we give away. So if you come to me,

I say, hey, you got any of those free maps? You know, it's like a secret society thing. So that's why. The last time I was there I got to go to Club 33 have you ever done that? yeah

heard of it never done it and so I had yeah so in the Louisiana Bayou

Cajun country there's a door with 33 on it so you can knock on that door you get let in and then you go upstairs

and at 11 30 me and my wife had three bloody marys each and that's the only place you can drink and had one of the best times uh in disneyland you can imagine like so then there's a the balcony well tell them the whole thing it's oh you have to pay you have to pay so we've been amount of money it's like 25 000 a year and to be selected to be in that club is a very big thing because a lot of people apply. They barely take anybody on. It's where Walt Disney used to go watch over the park.

And so they actually have a buffet up there. They have a full bar. We had filet mignon, you know, for lunch. It was crazy. And then got to stand and watch. People don't even know you're up there. Also, you can look up and sort of see this balcony as you're going

through. It's right where Pirates of the Caribbean is. And so, you pay attention to it. But it's impossible to get into. And we were lucky enough to be a guest to somebody. And I know that exists. But people get all kinds. People got busted recently

for having disabled people take them on tours that was a yeah it was a big deal for a while they've kind of fixed that you can rent a handicapped person people that have disabilities they had a pass and prior to a year ago you could it was kind of like a problem I think you could like shortcut the lines and you can hire these people I smell a bit with me. So you can't do that. A year and a half in. I just did. I am. Kip, are you married? I am, yeah. How long have you been married for? 31 years. You have kids? I do have three kids. Holy shit. What made you want to get in a stand-up? Well, I've been married for 31 years. Wow. You know, it's funny.

I got started, a friend of mine that used to work with the Jungle Cruise was done comedy and he quit. He thought it would be fun to have Skippers, Jungle Cruise Skippers, do comedy because he got kind of a leg up, a head start on it. So he put together a show called Skipper Stand-Up

and he asked me to do it. I said, I never even thought about doing comedy before. Other than you just juggle. It's kind of a job. It was fun. So I wrote eight minutes. And it was pretty successful. And I kind of got the bug.

So I did the Skipper shows for, you know, it was only one or two, three shows a year. And every time I'd do a little more new material. And it worked every time. So I got kind of hooked on it. Then I stepped out and I went to David Mary's... Does this story have an end at all?

No. I mean, that's how people start. Yeah, you write material. That's how we do it at the Jungle Cruise. We just go and tell you, alright, get out. I love your style, Kip. You should have left on the claps, dude. You were fucking killing.

Yeah. Kip Harn, everybody. Thank you. Kip Hart, everybody. Very good. Kip Hart. Kip Hart is 10 years in five seconds. Kip underscore Hart on Twitter and Brett Banta is Brett J. Banta

on Twitter. So, there you go. Close, guys. Patriot, how you doing over there? I'm good, man. Just a little sore. What are you sore from? The suit. It's like really tight. It are you sore from? The suit. Oh. It's like really tight, it's like squeezing me on both sides. Stop getting boners.

Crazy enough that I checked in with you because I just pulled an Asian out of the bucket. This guy's been on a few times and he's great. Put your hands together. Yes, how'd you know that? Because I fucking hate him. Really? Wow. Put your hands together for Fang Chao!

How are you guys doing tonight? Are we good? I woke up this morning looking like this, and I speak broken English. So get ready. The Patriot don't like Asian, sure of course. Right in your face. I hope you pick Tam Fam too. But nevertheless I still love fried chicken. When I was growing up, my mom was Chinese. She still is Chinese.

She sat me down and she said, Dude, you have to be good at math. Otherwise, you're not Chinese anymore. And I thought about it. What is that going to do to me in the future? I can't just go up to a chick and say, hey, I'm really good at math. You want to go out with me? Think about it. I know all the answers. Heck yeah. Thanks. That was just checking out the stereotype for that minute. I thought you were going somewhere with that chicken thing. You weren't, huh?

Well, I am kind of racist. Since Pinterest said that. This is fine. This is a safe haven for conversations like this. So you're a little bit racist against blacks, and Jerron has admitted earlier that he's racist against Asians. It's on. So what do you guys have to say to each other?

I don't know. I didn't know that Yakuza had a comedy benefit going on. Oh. Did your mic stop working or something? I was born with body chop skills, so watch out, black dude. Sing the karaoke. I'm not a black dude. Sink the karaoke. Next time you eat the general tao chicken, better watch out. Oh, I can tell you guys just ran out of stuff, so...

There you go. Perfect. Thank you. Three wine. Bang. How long have you been doing comedy? Now, uh, two years. You gotta take your drink off the new subwoofer. Oh, it's already started. Two years. Two years. And some of that was in China?

Uh, no. No, I started in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Wow. About, uh, a year. And then I decided to move out here because, um, this is the league, right? So, here I am. This is the league, right? So here I am. This is the league? Is that what they say in Milwaukee about LA? Maybe.

What did you do before stand-up? I've been translating between Chinese and English. Whoa. What a fucking mess. At least it's not Hispanic. Whoa, you're racist against them too, huh? I just don't want to offend everybody, okay guys? Wow.

What's your least favorite race? I mean, since we're talking about it, let's go for it all the way. The Jews, where are we going with this, guys? How creepy can you make it? I really don't... Now, 2015, I hate the Malaysians. Somebody watch the news over there.

Because they lost two fucking planes last year. Whatever. But I think for Malaysians, and if you don't know, I think for Malaysia, they should build more public bathrooms before they fly a fucking plane. Just me.

Stop! Fuck yeah. Save that one for next week. Jerron, how do you feel about this? I think he should be banned from the show just by all means. Jeez, that's just not even a joke. You really just sincerely do not care for this man. I mean,

this is true beef right here. True beef. Good song. True beef is actually Fang's cousin. And with that said, Yeah, Fang, we're going to move on. We're going to move on. We're going to get another guy up here.

Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you. Have a good night. Yeah, Fang, we're gonna move on. We're gonna move on. We're gonna get another guy up here. Thank you so much. Thank you. Have a good night, guys. Can I pull one? Yeah, totally. A lot of names. Do you really not like that dude, or are you just fucking around? No, I just fuck. I love Fang. Oh, okay.

There we go. Want to read it? Most people are Oh, okay. There we go. That's pretty cool. What the heck is that? Want to read it? Yeah. Most people are like, wow, that's such some shit. I just pulled Alice Borsian. Shut up, fucking cop. They don't want to hear your bullshit. They're just talking to me.

Alice Borsian. Shit. Oh, no. You know what that means? You missed your spot. Unfortunately, you get blacklisted. Can we not? I'm still trying to get at her. She Unfortunately, you get blacklisted. Can we not? I'm still trying to get at her.

She's playing over here. What? Can we not ban her? Just make the noise, man. Come on. What are you... Did she go to the bathroom or something? What are you saying?

That's fine. If she's going to the bathroom, we'll just make a noise. Do you think she's taking a shit or is she... What are we talking about here? Is she snapping one off or is she going to take dinner? Why don't we pick the next? Is she snapping one off?

Why don't we pick the next one and she'll be right after that? Does that make sense? If this was a real comedy show that's what it's supposed to teach you. If it's a real comedy show they wouldn't just go to the bathroom. But at the same time it's a weird show where you might have to go to the bathroom.

That's different. She's hot, right? She must be taking a shit. It's going to be weird no matter what. Is this a white girl? Alice Gorassian. Here, let's pick somebody else. Here, you want to pick another one?

Yeah, sure. Kyle McFadden. Kyle McFadden. Kyle McFadden. Already started. By definition, I don't have a girlfriend. It's my fault. I have to get over my fear of the opposite sex if I want to have opposite sex.

It's one of those things where it's like I know what I look like, and I know that doesn't help. Like, my beard looks like the beard that, like, you have third graders in place that go over the ears, you know? Start falling off the kids' face. It's not really what my beard looks like. It's like a red-headed girl that got in a long-term relationship and then just gave up. It's like I dress this way. girl that got in a long-term relationship and then just gave up. It's like I dress this way like I came out looking like this. Like I have the fashion sense of a school shooter. Okay. Fuck yeah. You're approaching it worse than yourself, I see.

How's it going, Kai? Good. How are you? You are definitely a weird-looking dude. I couldn't really see the whole time when you were talking about this is what you look like. But now that I see, I can tell why that's all that you talk about. Has anybody ever told you that you look like a young version

of the dad from Teen Wolf? Yeah. He just died, didn't he? I don't know. On an episode this depressing, I wouldn't be surprised that he did die. Kyle, what's your story, man? What do you do with a face like that? Comedy.

How long have you been doing it? Three and a half years. Where at? Bay Area. Just moved down. Oh Bay Area. Congratulations. Where else? San Francisco. How long were you up there?

Three and a half years. I just moved here like a week ago. Punchline? I wasn't a regular but I did do the punchline in college a few times. Mostly like Rooster Teeth Feathers and Pleasant Inn. Much easier also. So what prompted you to move down there? Because I feel like that's another thing. LA is a typical place to start.

Where I met, you have all these, we were talking about the league, but to give you the baseball analogy, I think you were talking about you have New York and LA, but to start in Austin or San Francisco and Boston and to get more time

and stand out and then come down here, because it's much more difficult as you can see, to start in Los Angeles. So what was the question? Why did you leave? Because I was happy, I was, until tonight you leave? Because I was happy. I was, until tonight, happy with where I was at.

No, don't get mad. You can't be judging. I said that right. I thought you had one of the best stage presences ever. I loved your tempo. I liked how you were really, you didn't seem nervous at all. And I really wanted to hear more of you. So I thought you did great on it.

Thank you very much. I was trying to make it. When you're not talking about what you look like, what do you talk about? Not drinking, and... You're a sober one, too, huh? Yeah. What happened? I drank one time after high school, and my ears got really hot, and I just decided it

wasn't. That was it and then like you and the two guys that have said they're sober I'm like jeez what went wrong

they're like I didn't feel so good one night had to go you know I'm pretty sure that's a joke no but that

it's it's an impact but it it is 100% true. I drank the one time, and I drank a shitload, and I didn't feel drunk at all, and it kind of scared me. Like, I felt like I could have driven. You know what I mean?

How much did you drink? Are we talking like two Coors Lights? What's going on here? No, like, my friend did it to me. He was trying to get me fucked up, and he passed out, and I didn't feel... You know what a Faderade is? Like half vodka, half Gatorade, those bottles?

Two of those and three Coronas and a shot of gin. Okay. And I didn't feel different. I'm Irish, Russian, and German, like the three drinking, like German. So this is like preventative measures. You're like, I might become a fucking mess or something. It's all, like I can't control my ice cream intake.

You know what I mean? I think, I think the alcohol is 26. It's all like I can't control my ice cream and take 26 and how old were you when you stopped drinking? I only drank one time when I was Yeah, yeah, you would you would never have a legal drink You only drank that one time? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. He was with my black friend. Oh, wow. Jerron, I didn't know you hung out with Todd.

Yeah, he's a good dude, man. Can't believe you passed out first that night. Peter. Things are good then, right? Yeah, they're great. I'm loving it. It's awesome down here. How long have you lived here?

A week and a half. Wow, awesome. Well, welcome, welcome. What part of LA are you living in? Koreatown. Oh, great. Sweet, perfect. It's a good way to get a stick. Nice. All you can eat.

The wrong choice is just right out of the gate. Guessing you're on the same bus as Fang Chao on the way here. I couldn't tell which one it was. Yeah. What do you do for work? I was just a comic in San Francisco. Did a lot of corporate stuff. And I helped run a comic club.

And we made a little bit of money from that. And then now I'm just burning through money here. Until I can... I saved up enough for like six months to just go every day and try and see what happens. Try camming. I don't like that.

Oh, can't... Oh, the porn stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kyle. Yes. What else?

What scares you? This. A hundred percent. Okay. Well,? What scares you? This. A hundred percent. Okay. Well, then I'll let you go. Kyle McFadden, everybody. Very nice. Kyle McFadden. You got it. Guess who loves

these on the last one, everybody? Put your hands together for Alice Borcian. your hands together for Alice Borsian. Hello. I'm here to kill the Tony. Just kidding. What's that joke?

Oh, it's not even a joke. Here's the thing. I suck at dating. It's L.A. I'm not professional. I'm not. But I just discovered this new dating app. It's not like Tinder or Grindr or like Max.com. It's Uber.

And it's great because it kind of works like Tinder. You know, you see their profile picture. They have a job. I can see their ratings. I said their picture. And the truth is, I'm in fucking control, you know? Because they don't know we're on a date. They don't. And honestly, personally, I think it's the modern day speed dating.

That red light's tripping me up. I do think it's a red light. Whoa. There you go. All right. The red neon light in the back of the room sets you off. Can you please be like, you're done. Talk into the microphone. You know there's red lights all around this room, by the way. I wasn't paying attention.

And you were in this room last night. Whoa, how do you know there's red lights? Let everybody else in on your secrets, Brian. You weren't supposed to say anything. Okay, I didn't finish it. Whatever, it's horrible. Go ahead. How long have you been doing stand-up?

On and off for five months. No, five months. I just wanted to say that. Five months. Wow. In one day. Okay. The thing in the beginning where you did the accent,

do you always open up with an accent and say something about the room and then just go straight into dating material? Is that what you always do for the five months? Just out of curiosity. Are you also an actress? Do you do acting? You have to respond. This is a live show and a podcast.

Nobody's going to hand you a script right now. I don't always do that. It's always awkward. Well, that's what I asked you. It shouldn't be an A and a B. You should have answered that when I asked you the question. I'm working on talking. I don't know how to speak. The truth is, I don't

always open that way, but I felt like I needed to warm you guys up, not mine. And that usually warms people up. It didn't. I do act, but obviously I'm bad at it. No, I mean, again, you did get a little bit of a heads up. Unlike

anybody else, you know, we, your friend was able to warn you and said, hey, you're fucking next. And I'm sure you've heard from people that you were able to see. You had some time to think about it. And, you know, I was excited that I pulled the Alice.

It's a girl. Yeah, no, no. I was excited. You know, it's a lot. Yeah, no, no. No, I was excited. We had all guys. I see some other female comics here. So, yeah. I was excited about that. It was just the diversity aspect. No, no.

And I think that five months is just really tough. Yeah. But again, what I said in the beginning is you really just really have to be yourself. I think that helps. You can see Kip was being himself. And you can see that what was the other guy?

Frank Chao. Frank Bantha. Being yourself is very important. That's exactly what I point. You know, just, and then you can fuck around and experiment with other shit after that. But you might want to start with Being yourself is very important. That's exactly what I point. And then you can fuck around and experiment with other shit after that. But I might want to start with just you.

Because you can tell you're funny and you've got the inkling to do this. Which again, you don't want to take away from anybody. Go for it. Fucking everybody. I said the people off and on. Really get out there and do it as much as you possibly can. But maybe consider starting to be yourself, and then that will really help you out.

Yeah. Can I ask a question? Uh-huh. Sure. That's my toughest thing is I never know how to open. Yeah, it's one of the tougher parts of it, opening and closing. So the toughest part are always opening. Getting people to like you in the first few seconds

is really hard. Have you done well on stage before? Have you had really good sets? I have good sets. Not at Mike's. How does that experience rank? Like what you just did. All time. When that happens? No, like right now. What you just did.

Is that one of your worst sets ever? Is it like pretty good? It's not the worst. It's not good. So it's like... That was bad. You're not happy with it, but it's not the worst one. Like you guys were saying earlier, it's all a learning experience. Right.

That wasn't what I wanted, but I'm okay with it. Well, it seems like you're very overwhelmed. You seem like you're having a hard it. Well, it seems like you're very overwhelmed. You seem like you're having a hard time being calm. I have a hard time being calm all the time. I have anxiety. It's not even funny. Neither was the 60 seconds

that you talked earlier. But it sounds like it could be funnier since you can actually talk about something related, but that's stuff that's happening in your real life. Yeah, the laugh that you got just really big. Well, you got that laugh because of exactly what he was saying. You became yourself.

Right. So, like, the pressure was off to do material, and now you could be why probably a lot of people told you you should do stand-up in the first place. You can be funny because you can be yourself. Like, your whole demeanor has changed now. If you watch this tape and watch how you were when you first got on stage and right now, now you're relaxed and you're smiling. It's an earnest smile. You don't feel any pressure. When you're first up there, there's this tension that everybody else feels.

And that's like one of the hardest things to get over is people are there. They fucking feed off of what you put out. And if you put out this crazy nervous energy, they're like, fuck. Even if they're pulling for it, they're like, fuck. Even if they're pulling for it, they're like, keep it together. It's like you feel with that person. That's why it's when it works, it works so well. Because if you're laughing and you're having fun, everybody else

has fun as well. And the more connected you are to what you're saying, the more you're going to project that. So right now, you're totally connected to when you were talking about being nervous and that stuff. Like you gotta laugh. It's because you were totally connected to what you were talking about. And that's a huge part of that. Yeah, so you proved right here that you can do it. Just in that one brief moment.

So you have like an ember. Now you have to throw some shit on it, you have to stack logs, and you make a fucking fire. And with the opening part... If you don't have that ember, you can never be a comic. Ever. And with that opening part that you said is so hard to open with, you're just telling the truth about how anxious of a person you are and that could easily be an opener and something that people can relate

to and connect with at times. Yeah, you can talk about how freaked out you are to do stand-up. Alice Borsian, that was it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Alice Borsian, that was it every week since this show started

we have two female comedians who have done a new minute every single week on this show, this is the part of this part of that show, awesome going up first tonight, doing a brand new minute once again, she was with us since she dropped out of the University of Florida a year and a half ago put your hands together for Kim

Congdon everybody applause applause applause applause applause I had a first time experience

the other day I want to talk about something new I did I had phone sex the other day I want to talk about. Something new I did. I had phone sex the other day. Thank you. Yeah, it was really exciting. It was good. Hurt a little. I think next time I might take the cover off.

I'm going to keep doing it, for sure. I just don't know how many times I can ask my roommate to call my phone because I left it on vibrate. You know what they say, an apple a day makes you a fucking weirdo for having sex with your phone all the time. I know. It's not really funny, especially because I don't have a phone anymore because it's back home in a bowl of rice. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, 53 seconds.

That's it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Another one. Yeah. This one's about having sex with your phone. I tried really hard this week to do that thing where you said to make it one joke and talk about the same thing. And look how it works out. The more you talk about it, like if that was longer

than a minute, I mean, that's a very specific story that you're talking about there, but it started gaining more momentum as it went on, for sure. So, if you stay in that realm, I'm sure there's more funny stuff that's found more before or after, and that stuff moves around.

Kim Kondica, she does a new minute every single week on a live podcast. How crazy is that? So did you really try that? I mean, like, I've had, like, regular phone sex. I've never stuck my phone in my vagina. You've had regular phone sex? Oh, yeah, I guess people do

though. For sure. Have you done the Skype or the FaceTime sex yet? Yeah, for sure. Really? You don't think he screen captured that? He did. Holy shit. I'm guessing Kim, what's something crazy that happened this week? Anything in real life that's been going on?

I had a couple friends come down from Texas I don't really want to talk about what happened on Friday We went out and we partied a lot More partying than I'm used to This sounds like some kind of Pulp Fiction over there story It was a lot of fun We're partying than I'm used to. This sounds like some kind of Pulp Fiction overdose story. No, it was just... It was a lot of fun. Wow.

All right. Now, why Kim? Why did she get to do this? How did you decide that you were going to do this? It just so happened. She's hot. Yeah, she was here, and I know she was here,

and she was around when we figured that part of everything out that, you know, it'd be worth investing into someone so the listeners can watch them grow. Over a year and a half, people have watched her go from somebody who was brand spanking new her first time on stage to she's been doing cool things recently, like opening up for Sebastian.

It's really motivating you to write as well. Oh, yeah. I write so much now. Great. Every week. Yeah. At least a minute. No, you're lucky. Have a little flyer lit up your house.

Yeah, it's made a difference in my Santa for sure. I don't think I'd be half as good as I am now without all the writing. Do you have any questions for our guests or anything? Uh, yeah. If you don't, it's okay. Do you guys ever need anybody to open for you?

Oh, I see what you mean. Very good. The ladies love that. Look at all the girls in the crowd. You get it, girl. I watched all their hands go together, including our own Elise Lane over there. It's super ballsy.

I mean, I said it last time I was on your show, but you guys are super ballsy, both of you. That's a lot. That's hard to do, a minute every week. That was fun. Thank you. Yeah, you did it again. It all goes to the big package.

Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Thank you. I was the big Russian accent that had to remember this. When me and Tripoli, when I first got to LA, I met Sam Tripoli just immediately. And we became instant buddies. And then somebody asked us, and I owned a comedy theater,

to teach a comedy class. So we did it one time. We went in there and there was these students, and there was this one Russian guy who was really funny, but then everyone got mad at the comedy class because we told them they had to be in like a 7 to 15 year plan and uh like this is not something you can just fucking dip your toe in like we were just being you know trying to be

honest and then the other thing that we did was recommend uh two books that I will recommend if these haven't been mentioned before. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and then Comic Insights by Franklin Ajay that he taught at UCLA are great books if you are starting. So I will recommend those. Indeed. And on top of that, I'll also

recommend On Writing from Stephen King. You ever read that? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mostly, even though he's sort of just talking about writing novels, even though he's not too specific about it, but just about his work ethic, about all the work that he One Cigarette, Marvel Red, after

he finishes every single novel. I love that. Cool. Who's next? Your final comedian of the night. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank. Thank you. Who's next? Your final comedian of the night Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank What's up? This week's been interesting I was upset I made scrambled eggs

I forgot the milk in my scrambled eggs Which That really sucks Because they were already fucking scrambled. You can't add milk once they're scrambled. So I tweeted about it, and someone suggested that I use powdered milk. I'm unclear about how the two correlate, but I do know one thing. If you're fucking mixing your milk like concrete, then that's a problem. That's a major problem.

I feel like powdered milk is something that they served in Oliver Twist's orphanage. Don't understand. Dairy products should not be powdered. It's fucked up. I googled powdered milk. I came across a blog called Hillbilly Housewife. This fine woman suggests always having at least two cans of powdered milk on hand. Fuck yeah, I like where you're going. The powdered milk thing sounds like a Sarah Weinstein

thing if I've ever heard one before, but I don't understand why you started with the whole scrambled egg story that's only specific to you. Yeah, yeah. I don't know where that's coming from. But about powdered milk, there's definitely something there. I like the concrete thing.

I think there's definitely something in, like, you could be going through an airport and somebody being like, is this cocaine or something? It's like, no, man, it's's milk. Like how impossible that would be to possibly believe. I don't know why I'm going to say it. One of my favorite comics of the night, and I'll tell you, not based on

the scrambled egg chunk. Well, that was a weird one. Yeah, yeah. I I'm just saying. I know what it is. I know what it is. It's the thing. The greeting. What's that? She was probably the only person on that who went straight into

having something to talk about. Right into your shit and the confidence level. Like, I mean, just to go right into it and to, you know, just, again, you sincerely being you.

I don't know. Of all the people we saw, like I could see this really working out. I think Al's in love! I smell it! No, do you? Yeah, she's funny. I know her.

Oh, I know her. She's another one that does New Men Every Week. She's hilarious. You know, both you guys are fat ass. Did this powdered milk thing, did it actually happen or did you just see it at a grocery? I get the feeling from watching it she's someone who takes little things and talks about it like corn holders

and powdered milk. I get the feeling that you do all your writing like walking down a grocery store aisle or stuff like that. You just see powdered milk. Somebody tweeted to me and said to put powdered milk in my eggs that I already made. That's what I meant to say. That's disgusting. Yeah.

I would immediately block that person on Twitter. Oh, you mean like after you cooked them? Right. And that's why I started with that and I didn't really express that correctly. You know what I mean? You could just go straight into powdered milk. Yeah. I've seen you come up here and just say the words and everybody laughs because you obviously have an issue with it. You know what I mean?

Powdered milk. It didn't make any sense to me because I scramble eggs all the time with no powdered milk. Really? With milk? Yeah, I didn't get that either. I think a lot of people do, right? I just put it in the microwave for like 30 seconds. Everyone's like, yeah, me too. I think it's one of those things where people think that it's

some people do it so they think that everybody does it. You only put it in there to make it fluffy. Yeah, I don't ever... Somebody makes the lovely lady's breakfast in bed. Yo, baby, I made you some fluffy eggs. Sarah, you were great. Thank you so much. Sarah Walsh, thank you so much.

Sarah Walsh and Sarah McConaughey and Sarah McConaughey. They are the ladies of Phil Coney. Thank you to both of them. Josh Martin is at Josh Martin. Hi, Josh. Hi, Josh. We crushed it tonight.

Jerron Horton is at Jerron Horton. Jerron, anything coming up you want to promote? I'll be there next week. Yeah, this will be out in two weeks, so nobody's going to be there. Jerron Horton, thank you so much. Another great time. Joe Rogan and Al Magical, what's up guys? Thank you so much for coming on.

Anything you want to promote? Anything people should watch or look out for? You guys are pretty sick. Joe Rogan experience. Yeah, the best. And then go check out, if you haven't, the Kill Tony crew was on the Joe Rogan experience. So go check out that episode.

Guys, thank you so much. Two of my favorites. Thanks for coming on. That's it. Live audience, thank you so much. We did it again. I just heard a name or something. Look out for Kill Tony 100. Die Hard for Tony fans in April in the main room. We are going to do

Kill Tony 100 live from the main room. It's going to be insane. It's going to be our biggest show ever. So why not fly out where you are and do that show. Thank you so much for the live audience. Good night, everybody. Bye. Thank you. Shannon! Right in suburb. Thank you. you