KILL TONY - KILL TONY #92

Episode Date: April 7, 2015

Doug Benson, Andy Haynes, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 02/09/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out DeathSquad.TV, click on Tour Dates. You'll see that we are going to Vancouver, me and Tony Hinchcliffe, for our second year in a row. We're going to be partying it up there for 420. You know at the hippie holiday, it's going to be a lot of fun. Last time it was ridiculous how much marijuana was everywhere. So please, check us out, 420. It's a Monday of fun. Last time it was ridiculous how much marijuana was everywhere. So please check us

out. 420. It's a Monday this year. We are going to be at the Harbor Events Center. And it's going to be me and Tony Hinchcliffe. And then May 12th, we're going to be in San Francisco at the Punchline. Me and Tony

are then going to Sacramento the following day, May 13th to the Punchline Sacramento. Me and Tony are then going to Sacramento the following day, May 13th, to the Punchline Sacramento. Me and Kill Tony do shows every Monday, and that's at the Comedy Store. It's a free show, and every Friday, we are at the Ice House in Pasadena for a Death Squad comedy show. Icehouse in Pasadena for a Death Squad comedy show. So check out all that stuff. And don't forget the secret show at the Comedy Store is once a month. And the last one we had just last week.

Oh my God. We had the return of Dane Cook to the Comedy Store. He hasn't been there for 15 years. And he made his appearance back at the Death Squad show. We also had Louis C.K., some new guy, up-and-comer. Louis C.K., Tom Segura, Christina Pijitski. We had a bunch of people that night. And don't miss out on the next one.

It's going to be May 6th. And that's in the main room of the Comedy Store. Tickets are on sale right now at thecomedystore.com. Get your tickets now, though, because this next one is even going to be crazier. All right, guys. Don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out all the Tony Hinchcliffe merchandise and ShopSquad.tv for all the Death Squad merchandise, including the pre-order of the Itchy All Over shirt. It's a shirt with the itchy design back and front and all over the damn shirt.

So check it out. Right now is the pre-order. So if you always miss your size, like you're always sold out of your size, that's why you pre-order. Get it now. All right. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Edgar! Yo! Fuck yeah, everybody. Here we are. Happy Monday to all of you. How exciting.

I'm glad that so many people were able to make it out. Welcome to Kill Tony, everybody! Here with the one and the only Brian Redband. Brian. Hi. How you doing, buddy? Horrible week this week. Oh.

I got roofied. I got roofied. A male roofied me. It sucked. That's insane. I know. All right. In other news, fucking crazy shit always.

I'm doing a, you know what? I'm going to save that. Let's do something that we've been doing every week. First of all, our one and only sponsor is sitting right over there, ladies and gentlemen. It's Elyse Lane. She's a gourmet chef. She cooks food every week for me and the guests, and we give her a shout-out on the podcast, and she gets to meet comedians.

Comedians like, for example, Russell Peters, one of the richest comedians in the world, who now hired Elyse Lane as his private chef, everybody. That's right. She gets to laugh in a Malibu compound while cooking food. Tonight she made us another great meal. Tonight it's herb and garlic crusted pork tenderloin with caramelized

stone fruit caponetta over grilled sourdough. She's on Twitter at Elyse Lane and Instagram and Facebook. She's the girl with the pan. Elise Lane, everybody, our one and only sponsor. Making you hungry when you expected to just enjoy a good comedy podcast.

We like fucking with you. Every single week, lately, we've had a musical guest who comes on and does a brand new song each week just to get us warmed up and started a bit. Now, the last few weeks, he's actually been playing while the audience gets sat in this room. And he's been shaky about his confidence.

He talks about it outgoingly before the song awkwardly. It's a beautiful thing. He talks about how he thinks it won't work, how maybe it doesn't help. But here we are again. Even though you saw him while you got seated, the podcast listeners, it's Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is doing a brand new song.

The Kill Tony Musical Challenge, a brand new song every week. Well, you know, Tony, the audience just can't get enough. So we gotta give them what the... I'm just gonna play a short little song, guys. This is a blues song.

If there's any blues fans out there. This song is called The Hard-Bulled Egg Blues, and it goes like this. The hard-boiled egg blues. Josh! I'm just going to play it. Will they be able to hear it on the podcast? Let me help you out here.

Josh Martin dropping the ball. There's a run-around producer, Josh Martin, coming 45 seconds too late, everybody. That's what that looks like. I think he's got it. Jesus. Wow. What are you trying to do over here, man? Josh, you just come in, turn everything up,

and then run away? Just run away? Jesus Christ. This guy's out of control. It's like he's against the show. I mean, he talks about it all week. He lives for it. Then it's go time and he's nowhere to be found.

Comes in, turns everything up. The comic stylings of Josh Martin, everyone. There he goes. There he goes, walking the wrong direction. Ladies and gentlemen, our musical guest tonight. We've done something fun the last few weeks. We're going to edit all that out.

No, I'm kidding. We actually don't edit it. Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is. The hard-boiled egg blues, ladies and gentlemen. Ah, fuck! Hard-boiled eggs I spread my legs. And pop one in. I'm shoving hard boiled eggs up my ass on a Tuesday morning. Well, these hard-boiled eggs drive me crazy.

I feel like such a dirty little whore. I feel like such a dirty little whore One egg feels good but two's amazing I want more More, more, more, more, more pat reagan everybody fuck yes another brand new song i've never heard the hard-boiled egg blues before but now all of a sudden we have pat reagan's on twitter at patty reagan so follow him he's so talented and smart that he writes a brand new song every week for this show Now, all of a sudden, we have Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan, so follow him. He's so talented and smart that he writes a brand new song every week for this show.

One more time for Pat Reagan, everybody. Every single week, we have a new head of security who keeps us safe. This week will be no different. This guy is hilarious. Normally, it used to be a guy in an Iron Patriot suit. It's evolved so much that this guy's just wearing a set of gloves tonight. Funny, funny guy. One of my good pals.

Put your hands together for George Perez, everybody. Neat. Fuck yeah. The Mexican. You're Mexican. You're a roaster. George Perez is an insult guru. We once roasted each other for like half an hour straight one time.

George, you've been on the show a couple times. You're hilarious. Thank you. Thank you. How's it going? It's going good. It's going good. How would you make fun of Josh Martin if you had to make fun of a couple times. You're hilarious. Thank you. Thank you. How's it going? It's going good. It's going good. How would you make fun of Josh Martin if you had to make fun of him?

Josh, get over here. He looks like he has an ingrown hair on here. He has an ingrown head, I'm pretty sure he's trying to say. That chicken, I just can't. There's a weird smell going on, Brian. You have to eat before the show from now on. You can't just eat and breathe in my face. This is out of control. This whole thing's backfiring.

I'm like, we'll have a food sponsor. It's going to be great. I didn't actually expect you to start eating dinner right in front of me on a podcast. I think it helps. I help chef. And the way that you eat, it's just unbelievably disgusting. Have you not realized I do it on purpose? This is the first time you've...

No, it's not like a funny, oh, I do it on purpose. It's a joke. I don't know what it is. It's terrible. It's food, Brian. But since you're vegan, I thought it would be funny if I just grossly... It has nothing to do with the fact that I eat healthy and I'm in good shape. It has nothing to do with that.

It has everything to do with the smell of pork being blasted on my face. You're facing this way. Trying to talk to George over here. Guys, back to the show. I guess it's that caramelized stone fruit campanella that I'm smelling. Oh, shit.

George, are you excited about tonight's show? I'm excited, bro. I never had gloves that lit up. Fuck yeah. I feel like I can pull people over. Like, pull over. It feels weird. I love it.

This train is rolling along at 1,000 miles an hour, everybody. So let's just get the show started. Tonight's guests, two of the funniest people that I know. Well, Doug's been on the show a bunch of times. It's Andy's first time. We're so excited to have him. Get good and loud for our guests. It's Doug Benson and Andy Haynes, everybody.

Here we are. Fuck yes. All right. I don't drink Coke. Let's do this. That's my Coke. Switching it up. Doug, you want a drink?

Doug, you want a drink? I would like a... Kettle one and soda, please. Is that the drink? Brian read my mind. Fuck yeah. Somebody roofied Brian this week, he said. Can you believe that, Doug? He was roofied by a guy.

Why? A dude wanted to put his penis in you? I don't know who roofied me, but I was only on my third drink. Then out of nowhere, everything just started spinning. And I ran to my car and just sat, passed out for an hour, woke up. I felt drugged, like a muscle relaxer. Oh, somebody's dick didn't wake you up? No.

You weren't like, what's that in my ass? Oh, shit. I'm in my car. I tasted it. There was nothing in there. Bill, stop it. Right. Cosby joke. Well, I'm sorry, Brian. I didn't even know that was a two-way street.

I'm going to watch what I drink now because I always thought I could just have drinks and no one would try to drug me. Now, George is one of my toughest friends. George, you've been to prison, right? Yes. What do you know about Roofie? You ever been Roofied?

You ever Roofied anybody? What's the deal? I Roofied somebody once but like i had a bad conscience so i gave her a pine b pill too wow followed it up somebody came with some material tonight yeah yeah i love that take notes natural there's no way that's a true story. I already have three babies moms. What? I already have three babies moms, so I didn't want four. You have

three babies with three moms? Yes. Wow, you really are a patriot. Holy shit. He is really adding to this country. Fuck yeah. Are those like those as seen on TV glue light things

on your hands? Thanks for the cocktail. That's the patriot part. We have them in a very, when I have extremely, extremely funny patriots, I don't make them put on the costume. Oh, wow. So any patriot that comes in and you make him put on the costume,

oh, he doesn't think I'm funny. I gotta wear this whole fucking dog and him put on the costume. Oh, he doesn't think I'm funny. I got to wear this whole fucking dog and pony show on my face. The funny guys get to come on and just have the wrist things that are really cool and just go pew pew pew pew. This is amazing. I'm fucking scared of you.

It's perfect. You should have another one on your chest. Yeah. I wasn't in the budget. Okay. Right. I feel like I'm in an episode of Locked Up, and my cellmate has weapons. That's what I feel like right now.

Well, you know, the audience isn't feeling it, so let's move on. Everyone's scared of you. That's my point. George, what's your, every week the Patriot asks the guests a question What do you got for tonight's guest? Mr. Benson Oh shit Nobody says Mr. Benson unless they're going to rape you

Yeah He's gonna attack me in the parking lot Enjoy your drink, Doug I know you smoke a lot of weed I don't know if you do coke or anything else No sir But do you ever watch animal porn? Isn't that just wild?

I thought he would ask me something challenging But it's pretty It's true and also Just the right thing to say. No. I'm sorry, I meant nay. Yeah, see, I'm going to judge the other comedy that comes up on stage because I am a pro that said nay.

I got some groans from the audience. That's, that's, no matter how long, this is my lesson for everyone here tonight. No matter how long you've been doing it,

you're not above getting a fucking groan from a bullshit crowd that got into a free show. No doubt about it. George, what's your question for Andy Haynes?

You've done a lot of late night. Wait a second. I get animal porn and he gets a question about his career? Unfair. Because also you said you smoke a lot of pot and then went to animal porn. What's the connection there? Do you think pot smokers are into disgusting things? Yeah.

Well, you're wrong. You got booed by a lady. How does that feel? Not so iron. Feels soft and sad. God, there's a lot of sexual tension between Doug and George. Because he kind of reminds me of...

I don't want to get into it, but... Whoa. Somebody wants to steal your wallet or something? I came in here with a beef with the whole Patriot premise. That's right. Because I think the original Patriot deserves to have what he did just die. Right. And you guys think of something new. Right.

Instead of making him want to kill himself because he quit a successful podcast two seconds before it became successful and now has to watch it all the time while other guys pretend to be him and one of the people that pretends to be him doesn't even have to wear the outfit.

He just gets to do his job. That fucking guy came here on a bus every week where he had to just stand on the bus because he couldn't sit down in the outfit. This guy gets to wander in, throw on a couple of gloves and pretend it's winter while it's 80 degrees

out fucking side because we're in Southern California. How weird is this weather? But Doug, the Patriot can now watch it live streaming. It's like he's here with us. That's what I'm saying. It's even worse.

You're just rubbing it in like, fuck you, guy who used to do this job that we just didn't get along with. It wasn't like he did anything horrible. We got along with him. You did anything horrible. You just didn't vibe with him. We did vibe with him. You came on my podcast and it was a train wreck. Right.

Because then we were done. That was it. That was it. That was the moment you were finished. You killed the Patriot. Now you have a guilty conscience. I do have a guilty conscience. But I won't put him on my show.

You realize we never talked to him again after your show. That was it. I've only talked to him in after your show. Like, that was it. I've only talked to him in sad tweets I didn't respond to. He basically quit Kill Tony live on getting Doug with High. It was not a smart move on his part to do that. I agree. He was trying to impress you, I think. He should have hung in there.

Well, he just didn't understand how the business works and thought that one appearance on my show that nobody enjoyed would turn into a new gig. He thought he was in after that. Oh, that was scary. And that went very poorly. Yeah, that's the worst thing. If anybody ever says, if I'm on the road and they're like, hey, Tony, man, I saw you on Getting Doug with High, my heart just melts immediately. Because that's by far the worst thing

that I've ever done in my entire life. I mean, that episode of that show. And I was so excited to do it, too. I'm like, I smoke pot all the time. I dare say part of the problem, other than him, you know, Iron Patriot being annoying, was another big problem was you got more quiet than I've ever

seen you in your life. Brian was still not only up and into it and happy, he was blowing hits into Iron Patriot every single time he took a hit. He would blow

it at him like it was his girlfriend and they were trying to save money. I was so... And... I swear he must have gotten so fucking high inside that suit. That's not the best place...

High is not the best place to be when you're not a professional... Even a professional comic, I probably shouldn't do it. But he definitely shouldn't have been high. I probably shouldn't do it. Right. But he definitely shouldn't have been. I got too high from the very beginning. I treated it like a you know, like a regular appearance on a show. So I got there all coffeed

up and then I got high as fuck immediately and then the Patriots started getting out of control. So the reason why I'm not talking during it, most of it isn't because of how high I actually got. You were just distancing yourself from the whole experience. I was so furious that if I would have

started talking about it, I knew that I was going to... But dude, during the first break, hey, you know what? Brian, Doug, do you agree that Patriot's not working out? We should walk him off the set now. That's all you needed to say. Looking back on it, we would have done that.

He was only supposed to be in the second half, but you asked to have him on the whole thing. Because you guys, he was the co-host of your show at the time. We're missing out on a great podcast while talking, while rationalizing the worst podcast any of us have ever done.

You hadn't fired him yet when I said, hey, bring him along. I thought that was the show. You hadn't fired him yet when I said, hey, bring him along. I thought that was the show. You guys were into him. I think he's dead and there's just a suit walking around with a dead guy in it. There's a suit on a bus right now. It's just programmed to go from the home to here.

It smells horrible. I'm just saying, get the guy that wears the rabbit costume all the time, or get somebody else to stand there and just stop making it. I just wanted to have Burn on the guy that used to do it. I wanted to have a different porn star or naked

stripper. Perfect! Great! Great idea. Why, Tony, listen to your friend Brian. That's a great idea. You're doing a great job tonight, though, but next week's going to be a porn star. So get into porn over the next week and you can still do this. Porn stars are great if they don't have

too much dialogue, if they just pipe in every... Do not encourage these ideas, Doug. I don't know why you're going a lot. I'm telling you, a porn star standing over there in a – Doug wants to own the entire live podcast realm. They don't even have to wear a sexy outfit.

He wants the show to fail miserably. Put a porn star on the podcast. Nobody wants to listen to a porn star. You're right. You're right. For small amounts of time, like just to give like a sentence here and there, that's perfect. I have somebody writing their microphone microphone so they only get to speak when spoken to and every once in a while

go, hey porn star, what do you think about this? And she'd be like, I'm wet. And then you move on. That's right. It'd be perfect. And we could keep the speaker box in her crotch instead of outside of her crotch. It could be inside of her. George is wet too, guys.

It's easy to translate. You can get the best of both worlds. It's dampen. All right. I've said too much. Let's look at some new comics. Let's do it, guys. This is episode 92 of Kill Tony.

Over 40 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds in front of us and then talk with us afterwards about anything at all. I've been telling comedians all over town

that's the last thing you should do. Todd is so anti. Do not sign up for Kill Tony until your minute is fucking killing everywhere in town. Then come here. Don't try shit at Kill Tony.

Work out the minute. Work it out. It's a podcast and people are listening and now watching. Look at that live feed. Is the live feed working this week? Yeah, are listening and now watching. Look at that live feed. Is my feed working this week? Yeah, there's 180 people watching. Wow.

Look at that. Come on, you 180 people. Tweet to some friends. Get some more people to watch or come watch me on YouTube. Go watch Getting Doug with High at 115. 115 tomorrow is when we go live. Pacific time. Fuck yeah.

Well, here we go. Comedians, they sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds. Guys, you know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's what it sounds like. Isn't that adorable? That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Here we go. There it is.

Yet another. That's much more involved than it needs to be. So many animals. A lot of mixed messages like, oh, crickets, so it's boring. But, oh, so stop. There's a horse, too. I think so, yeah. It gets a little longer every week.

And there's a puppy that goes back to the GoDaddy puppy mill. I don't get it. GoDaddy, what does that mean? GoDaddy had a commercial where the punchline was that the puppy that ran off with the Clydesdales comes back home and they're happy to see that puppy. And then they put it in a truck because they're selling the puppy. And then animal activists got angry at this commercial and uh insisted that it not show in the super bowl so guess what it didn't show during the super bowl because the punch line was

a fucking dark funny twist that some people didn't like for their own personal reasons and now more people saw it on the internet than anyone would have ever saw on the Super Bowl probably. Wow. No. But – Road wide? It would have been seen by more people on the Super Bowl. But, yeah. But you're right.

Like it is a bit of an apples and oranges situation. They still got some publicity out of it for sure. And that commercial showed on a lot of like – I saw it when they told about how it got pulled from the Super Bowl. But that's just amazing that in this world where free speech supposedly reigns, a satiric commercial gets pulled from the Super Bowl. I bet you it got pulled, and I bet they didn't have to pay the $15 billion for the commercial and almost the same amount of people, if not more, saw it. No, I bet the NFL and what network was it on this year? NBC, the blacklist. That's what played after it. No, I bet the NFL and what network was it on this year? NBC, the blacklist.

That's what played after it. I bet you they wouldn't fucking give in for a second. Like they'd just say, fuck you, your commercial. I think they showed, did they show a replacement commercial? Yes. Oh, never mind.

And what was it? Was it like an old Go Daddy commercial? A guy sitting at Never mind. And what was it? Was it like an old Go Daddy commercial? Just like a guy sitting at a desk. A guy sitting at a desk. Fuck yeah. Alright. I didn't say describe yourself during the Super Bowl. This is the part of the show where the comedians actually come up and do

60 seconds everybody. You ready to get this thing started or what? And then we talk to them. It's crazy. Your first comedian tonight doing 60 seconds. We know this guy. We love this guy. We're supposed to try to stop them from talking, right? We're supposed to yell over the entire thing.

No, no, Doug. You've done this show six times. I don't get it. This is my impression of you when you play the games on Doug Love's movies. I do do that on Doug Love's movies. I do do that on Doug Love's movies. How does this work again? Every time. What's going on?

The final game that you have is like, it's loopy. It's so hard. It's like people that are high would never figure it out. It sort of is, man. That's a crazy game. All right, here we go.

Watch Doug Love's movies, please, everybody. I love that show. Check out the one I did in Sacramento. That was a lot of fun. That was super fun. Amy Adams. And the boys to men references throughout the whole thing. This guy, great young comic from Chicago.

We met him a couple months ago. Artist, funny guy. It's Ian Ellis, everybody. First one out of the bucket. Stop fucking shit up, man. Sorry, I was just trying to move it over and it came apart. There are people out there

that are trying to find themselves. How the fuck do you lose you? Seriously, I tried drugs I tried alcohol, I can't get rid of me If you don't know who you are, I'll tell you I'll save you the trouble You're the person that gets to decide How you react to all of your own thoughts and emotions.

That's it. That's as special as you are. A monkey that chooses. My philosophy is this. You're a monkey. You're not a gay. You're not a Muslim. You're not a Jew.

You're a monkey. And unlike any other monkey on the planet you can choose the right thing so choose love my name is Ian Ellis I love you goodnight there you go 49 seconds from Ian Ellis choose love

are you running for president I think I just started my period I got a question for you, buddy. Absolutely. That's part of why the mics are active so that's why I tried to move it. Just move a little bit over that way more. There you go.

It's not a question. That's a direction. That's so great the way you just said that. That's not a question. That's a direction. Are you familiar with a comedian named Mitch Hedberg? Shut your dirty mouth, you filthy whore. That must be one of Mitch's Hedberg punchlines. Because that would be weird if he just said that to me.

Yeah. So that's the first thing, is stop sounding like Mitch Hedberg. to me. So, that's the first thing, is stop sounding like Mitch Hedberg in your delivery, which might be hard to do because you love him and you may already have a similar way of speaking that he had. Also, you're really high.

Yeah. Man is a detective. Why would anyone need a receipt for a donut? That kind of thing. Don't mimic his delivery. But that being said, you're clearly professional and said some things that, even though the audience wasn't laughing,

I pointed at you guys a couple times when I thought you might should be laughing because there was some clever turn of phrase there. What do you think, Andy Haynes? I think there was a good premise there. But you didn't turn it for me at all. Also, for a while it sounded like you were going to go on a racist rant. You're like, you're all monkeys. I was like, all right, I want to get off this stage

while this is happening. But I mean, obviously, you got some good stoner vibes coming out and you're like, you know, you want to... But there was no turn. Yeah, like we're monkeys that make choices, but, you know,

surprise me with how that revelation is made. Yeah, as high as you are right now, I'm guessing you were a lot higher when you wrote that. I'm trying to picture how high you must have been then to where you're just like, you're not a gay, you're not a Jew. I bet it all looked really clear then, huh? Yeah, and you did gay, which is sexuality in two religions. There should have been like, you're not a paraplegic or whatever.

I like how you're reacting to this part because it's been pretty insulting and you seem to be having a good time. So you should definitely, you know, hopefully you can sign up for Last Comic Standing where they do this sort of thing to you and if you can handle it, it seems to be a virtue. Yeah. What is that?

What are these weird attacks on Kill Tony? It's some weird sexual thing. What's going on? No, no, I was just comparing it to how on Last Comic Standing they like when they're doing their critiques if you get offended then you're out of luck

because you have to hope that they'll change their minds because you're agreeable and are willing to take their notes, their bullshit notes. Like nothing we say tonight is really – like any little thing we say isn't going to make them a stand-up comedian. It's just all little building blocks. Of course. But he can pick or choose which criticisms to... He can definitely roll with the punches. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You ever do a roast before?

He's agreeable, which could work out in the comedy world because that's part of, like, clubs will book you because you are not a pain in the ass to have around. Well, he can't feel anything, so that's probably... Do you listen to your own set? I mean, do you listen to the podcast now? How do you know he's high? Do you listen to...

I'm just saying, it might be his personality. Are you high on marijuana right now? I'm high as shit, yeah. Okay, good. All right. Just wanted to double check. Now attack. So when you listen to it, do you ever listen to it sober?

And when you listen to it sober, are you like, what the fuck am I talking about? Or are you like, oh, yeah, that's so crazy. I should try that sometime. I should listen to it when I'm sober. But what do you think? Yeah, I mean, do you critique yourself? Have you listened to yourself at all? That's what my podcast is.

I put out a new seven minutes. Wait, you have a podcast? I put out a new seven minutes. Wait, you have a podcast? I put out a new seven minutes. What's your podcast called? Ian Ellis.podbean.com Yeah, just blur it out and slur it out as much as possible. No one knows what you just said. IanEllis.podbean.com

Oh my God, what a complicated fucking name for his thing. It's that easy to get to. Look for Ian Ellis on iTunes. Yeah, there you go. Hey, check out my podcast. It's at cnflagandflowers.com slash Hustify. Ian, what's the big twist on your podcast?

What do you do that's different? You gotta have a big twist these days I'm not saying you would have to have a big twist I'm leading it to yet another funny topic, Doug Thank you I put out a new 7 minutes of stand-up every week And I put a beat under it So it's like releasing a comedy mixtape

You put music behind the new 7 minutes of stand-up That you write every week? Yeah It's a seven-minute podcast. Yeah. Why don't you have music under your set at a performance like tonight, for instance? If I could find some musicians.

Wait, what is Perry? What musicians do it on your fucking podcast? Is it you? I go out and I record my sets And then I put music under it Like a mixtape singer Yeah, yeah, so bring that music You want me to take a fucking boombox with me?

You can play it on your phone Who the fuck needs a boombox? What are you talking about? You still using the boombox method, man? I did not know that You posting podcasts through your fucking boombox? Auditioners on this show have so much to learn about how, like, I'm fucking old and I could pull this shit off. You're a young man.

He's got a microphone that records to a wax cylinder and then he puts a boombox next to that. And then he plays his iPhone with his set on it, right? He edits it with two cassettes. Double cassette player. But that sounds really interesting to have beats under whatever the fuck you were saying tonight.

So I say go for it. I say make that happen. You know what I mean? Follow your autistic urges. Yeah, buddy. Fuck yeah, buddy. Fuck yeah, Andy. Anything else for Ian? What do you think? Are you ever not high?

It's crazy. A few weeks ago he was on the show. He got pulled out of the bucket again and he was stoned as fuck. He couldn't even talk. He just kept doing that little giant three-year-old giggle that he does. I come to this show to have fun, so on Mondays. I love it. Well, we have fun with you, too.

Thanks, Ian Ellis. There he goes. Thank you. He doesn't like Mondays. He comes out, start his week off in a nice way. I love it. He's not trying to further his career or do anything, learn anything. He's just having fun. Just career or do anything. Learn anything.

Just having fun. Just having a nice time. Getting high. Hey dude, we're all just monkeys, man. I don't know. I think monkeys can make decisions. And I also think they can't eat every banana. They gotta be choosing.

Monkeys can do sign language. And also, there's some gay monkeys. And that's a choice. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Darren Chase, everyone. Sue, Sue, Sue Leo. I just turned 31 recently, which it's not that old, but it's old

enough to where music I liked as a kid, I don't really relate to it now that I'm getting older. I'm now older than the artist was when they wrote the song. You know Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise? There's a lyric in there where Coolio goes I'm 23 now but will I live to see 24? The way things are going, I don't know Now we all know

He made it Not only did he make it to be older than 24 He made it to be older than 24, he made it to be old enough to have his own reality show and cookbook. Yeah, it's called Cooking with Coolio. Kind of discredits the whole gangsta's paradise movement he was doing 20 years ago. He could have kept it real.

Could have called it Cooking Crack with Coolio. You guys, I'm a hamburger traditionalist. I don't know if you guys know what that means, but I think a hamburger should have only mustard, pickles, and ketchup. I was like, why is he going into another bit? This has got to be close

to time, and it's gone well. Why don't we start something else? I was going to test it. Why not? I already thought of something for the cookbook bit. How's it go? This is what I do to other comedians. I come up to them after the set and I go,

how'd that one bit go? Because I think I have something. Coolio, he has a reality show. Yes, yes, yes. And a cookbook, yo. That's what you say. He's got Coolio, he has a reality show. Yes, yes, yes. And a cookbook, yo. That's what you say. He's got Coolio, he's got a reality show, and a cookbook, yo. Okay.

I'll take the advice. It's not a huge laugh. It's not a huge laugh. It's just a grace note. It's just a little piece. And then what's the next part? You could have called it Cook and Crack with Coolio.

Oh. Just add another O. Yeah. Oh. Oh. But yeah. That's what I thought of. I liked it and I thought you could have more fun with it. That's what I was trying to make happen.

Some of that awesome topical Coolio humor that we all have been craving for. A lot of people have been writing, like, I want more Coolio jokes. They write into this podcast and they say, I'm surprised none of these comedians, they write letters with their hands. You're making things up now. Come to the market. But that's part of what, to me, that's part of the charm of a Coolio reference. Yeah, of course. You're not hearing too much of them.

Right. You're not overridden with Coolio references. Have you read the cookbook? I haven't, no. But he really does have a cookbook? Yeah. I think he has a cooking show. Cooking with Coolio.

Really? Yeah. He has a reality show and a cookbook. It's called Cooking with Coolio. Wow. I see him cracking eggs in ice trays and I'm putting them in microwaves and shit like that. That sounds like a perfect bachelor

solution. I told Coolio that joke and he said it was cool. I was hosting an event he was on and he had no reason to say it was Coolio. It's Coolio. I tell you what though, when you just go up to somebody and say, here's what I'm saying and then say it, he's probably thinking it's easier to not have an argument right now i was thinking he's on the

down yeah uh he's not going to debate you on it um what was the event that you were hosting that coolio was on it was a car show and a biker rally in tacoma, Washington. And he went on at 3 p.m. in front of 30 people. He didn't perform a single hit. Did he perform any songs? Yeah, it was this new group called Space Ghost that no one knows. And then he did a 30-minute rant. Space Ghost? Here's how he finished.

He was like, he went on to the rant about like, I mean, Obama said he's trying to help. And like, it went weird. It went weird. I think it started weird. He turned it dark. Space Ghost, check out my new band, Robot Chicken. I have a band called The Eric Andre Show. Yeah, he went into a whole thing all random about school and kids and education.

It was dark. So, yeah. He's got a shaved head now. Tattooed in the middle of his head Two little things Coolio That's amazing How many comics are on this show? It's always different

It's a loose format We've done a lot of talking with only two people That's a joke that you use a lot It seemed very well perfected How long have you been doing comedy again? It's been a while. Three years. Yeah, you have great stage presence. That was a great... How you wrote it

was really well written. Good job, man. George Perez, anything on this guy, Darren Chase? What are your thoughts on him? You're standing close. I thought he was good. Like how he said, the joke was there. He stayed with it. Yeah, it was about a gangster. I like it. Fuck yeah.

Okay, finish the hamburger joke and then we're gonna send you about a gangster. I like it. Okay, finish the hamburger joke and then we're going to send you on your way. I'm a hamburger traditionalist. If I get a hamburger that comes with cheese, I'll send it back because I didn't order a cheeseburger. My friends are like, just eat the cheeseburger. I have to lie and say I'm allergic. Same thing that happens around election time when my friends ask why I don't vote.

I have to lie and say I'm a felon. There you go. Thank you. Seriously, though, the I don't want cheese thing is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I'm picky as fuck. Very picky. It's good that I asked you to go into that joke so that we can all tell you to never do it again.

No, no, he could do it if he really prefaces it with, I'm a weirdo. Yeah, I'd set it up more if I had more time. Yeah, yeah. I'm a really picky eater. Absolutely. Good job. Thank you. Darren Chase, everybody.

There he goes. Darren Chase. He's on Twitter at Darren Chase. Ian Ellis, under his Twitter, just left another promo for that podcast he was talking about earlier. It's ianellis.podbean.com. You want to pick one? No, no, you pull it. dot pod bean dot com. You want to before? No, no, you pull it. But before you do, I just want to say something.

Yeah, I'm going to try to say something positive to every person. OK, what? Even if I have to lie, I love it. Absolutely. But but just one positive thing per person. Right. At least. Yeah.

At least one. Right. One thing that's encouraging. OK At least. Yeah, at least one. Right. At least one thing that's encouraging. Okay. No matter how much they fucking blow. Okay. Pull the next asshole out of that bucket. Here you go.

No matter how they do. Somebody. That's the worst setup for comedy. This looks like a new name to me. Oh, a new name! Put your hands together for Kane Holloway, everybody. All right. What's going on, guys?

For the last couple of months, I've been trying to figure out if I want to marry my girl. And this last holiday weekend, my mom talked me out of it. She didn't mean to. I'm over at the house, I ask her some marriage advice. This is her advice. She's like, honey, any good marriage is where the wife has all the control and then the husband thinks he has all the control.

I was like, Jesus Christ, you realize dad is sitting right there, he can hear you. She's like, I know. And did you notice how he didn't say shit? I was like, whoa. I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. Anybody in one of those? Everybody? Dude, I don't know.

I've seen pictures of my dad. I've heard the stories of before he met my mom. Dude, he was a grizzly bear. He was walking through the forest. He didn't give a shit. Starting fist fights with bees. Getting all the free honey and salmon that he wants. He has no idea where my mom is because she's this camouflaged hunter in the brush just waiting for him to find a spot to hibernate.

And when he finally finds it, like, this might be alright, there's a fucking dart in his neck. And he goes down. And then he wakes up and all of a sudden he's in a cage. Shit. Whoa. The bear came out at the minute. He got close.

He got close. For my money, you're the winner of the Bill Burr-like contest. Yeah, no doubt about it. I mean, by the way, you're more Bill Burr than Ian Ellis was Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, that was super Burr. He was very Bill Burr. You're a huge Bill Burr fan. Huge.

Yeah, there's some similarities there. But that aside, you could lose that over time. Just watch some Hedberg. I'd say in the early going, use like that, because the audience will sort of accept it at open mics and stuff.

They'll be like, oh, this feels familiar, so we like this. So I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing you need to drop right away. Yeah, you've got to stop watching his stand-up if you want to do stand-up. Yeah, just try to be less like him. But a little bit of it gets some audience respect, I think. You've got to take the posters off the ceiling above your bed of Bill Burr. That's super weird that you suggest that he has posters of Bill Burr. I know it's super weird and wacky to say something like that on this comedy show, Doug.

It almost seems like we're in the middle of it. Is your normal conversation voice Burry? I mean, or are you like, is it Burry? When I first started, I got a lot of, Brian Regan was like my guy, the reason I started. And then I showed somebody. You got rid of that. There was no Regan there. Well, I showed somebody a video of Regan.

I was such a huge fan. He goes, wow, he sounds a lot like you. So over time, I've just time, my influences have been... And then I'm just weeding them out slowly. But those are going to exist. But the important part is writing original jokes, which those felt like those were, and just sort of getting comfortable.

Sometimes the audience needs a little bit of that because it's comforting because they recognize the cadence. So I'm not completely against it. Definitely I brought it up so that you would maybe lose it at some point. I think if you do, how long have you been doing stand-up? Six years.

Six years. Wow. Where at? Seattle, Washington. Wow. Interesting. How do you like it up there? It's all right, yeah.

How long are you in town for? No, I moved. I moved here. Wow, how long ago? Three weeks. Congratulations. Bold- Three weeks. Congratulations. Bold ass move. Yeah.

I wouldn't recommend to anybody to do stand-up in L.A. unless they already had a full headliner set ready to go. But that being said, there really are no rules, and you can still make it. Why did I laugh at the end of that? You can totally still make it, dude. You can still make it. It's absolutely true

because that's what happened to me. As I came here, I started stand-up comedy in LA and that's one thing that I regret about my career is that I didn't work up to having enough material to show up in LA and that's why one thing that I regret about my career is that I didn't sort of work up to having enough material to show up in LA and sort of make a good impression immediately

instead of having to kind of convince people that the guy that they didn't think was that great because he was just starting out has advanced in any way. But I thought it was a good set. I mean a good minute. The birthing though is something I would really try to work on. I would it was a good set. I mean, a good minute. The birthing, though, is something I would really try

to work on. I would really like to hear your normal voice. It might be hard to change. Put some rubber bands around your balls really tight. I don't know what you would do. I think you were using your voice as just more of a cadence issue and similarity of topics. There was like a hand thing

where you went like that at one point that he does. I heard that back home. And so I like I see just talking just now. If I wasn't looking, I'd be like, is Bill Burr. Did Bill Burr just walk in? Yeah. Like his. It's natural for him.

Trust me. That's not. That's what I'm putting on this podcast is that when I put it out there in the cosmos, it's going to say Bill Burr was on this episode. Just so that... You've got to watch out in the comedy world. Who can get Bill Burr to come in and do this show? One of the worst things is people over-talking, like Doug Benson. But the other thing is that

comics... I did what? Comedians often attack other comics for stealing their essence that's been used a lot which is one of the funniest bullshit

there is a lot of essence though you watched Bill's last special right that's what I'm talking about yeah just when you walked out here you looked like you were in black and white I could tell that you just watched Bill's new special. Recently, yeah.

Do you do a lot of red stuff? Sorry. I'm sorry. But it happens to a lot of people. If I hang out with one of my good pals, Brody Stevens, there's some times where I'll have lunch with Brody

and then all of a sudden we're at the same comedy club that night and something the next day. If you're around Brody for 24 hours or more, all of a sudden you're like, you gotta go for it. Positive energy. You got it.

Reseda. But the thing is, I've been to the comedy store. Believe in yourself. It's funny that Brian Regan came up because I did a week with Brian Regan and at the end of the week, he's one of the most

like has his own personality thing going on comics of all time and he said to me after working with me for a week, oh I caught myself during my set doing some Benson-isms and I was just like blown away that like, first of all, he's a fucking

liar. He just has his own thing. But it was still nice of him to say that that even entered his mind. You know, like it's really, you do pick up on things. So be conscious of stepping away from Bill Burr. Record your sets. And just try to step away a little bit. But like I don't think you have to step away entirely because he's got a

delivery that works. But also do you do the road a lot? Yeah. You should make sure to go back home a lot. You know what I mean? I'm from Seattle. There's so many rooms up there. You don't want to fail like this in front of everybody constantly in LA because they

have memories. You know what I mean? So you've got to go fail somewhere else and then come back and surprise everybody with how good you got. Okay. Yeah. I think I said that earlier, but much nicer. Yeah, you said you're one nice thing, right? What's your home club?

I started in Giggles. Giggles! It's dead now. It was Jiggles for a little while it became a strip club was it really those assholes really just drive by well if we change one letter on the sign that won't cost much

dude let's just turn the G upside down fuck it Kane Holloway thank you welcome to Keltoni thanks dude good luck to you he's on twitter at Kane M Holloway thank you welcome to Keltoni good luck to you he's on twitter at Kane M Holloway he did it I think there's great ideas under that Bill Burr delivery

yeah I don't know I sort of feel like that's the thing about this show is that if somebody does have the cadence of somebody at least they've done some work you know some homework show is that if somebody does have the cadence of somebody, at least they've done some work. Some homework. They're inspired by somebody. You know what I mean?

It's not like they're coming in here ripping somebody off. It's my feeling. As long as the words are different. It is weird though that there's certain comics that's always Mitch Hedberg. It's always Stan Hope. It's always certain comics. You don't see somebody go like,

he's totally ripping off Carrot Top's essence. Well, if anybody had the balls to do props at this point, then they'd say that. But yeah, you're right. That's a different thing. I always get excited when people don't leave their Twitter. It usually means that they're like balls to the wall. Anything can happen.

Does that mean they're illiterate? It seems like a safe name. We'll see what happens here. Could be. This is written in pencil. The first Amish comic on Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for Tom Howard, everyone. Let's see what happens.

Amish? Here he is. Tom Howard. A buddy of mine once asked me, Tom, what's it like to be a strong, independent, Latino lesbian in modern day America? And I said, Kyle, I think you should lay off the acid.

Because your wings are turning green. And then he flew away. I started sobering up and realized I was alone in my apartment. And I don't know anyone named Kyle. So I once had a girlfriend a very long time ago. And a thief broke into our apartment. And the way she decided to wake me up was she punched me in the chest as hard as she could. And I weigh 140 pounds soaking wet.

So I was dry. So as I was dry heaving on the ground, she's like, Tom, you have to go out there and defend my stuff. I'm like, I'm not going out there. I'm a coward. Okay. Were you not paying attention an hour ago when I turned off the lights and took a riding leap into the bed? That way monsters. Whoa, shit.

That bear. The bear is out tonight. Yeah. Some nights we go a whole podcast without bear, the bear is out tonight Yeah Some nights we go a whole podcast without ever hearing the bear For months we haven't heard the bear Right, the double bear tonight People trying to finish their stuff People trying to get their stuff in

It's Grammy weekend It's Grammy weekend Yeah, it's a crazy weekend I remember the last Grammy weekend show we had There was like seven West Hollywood Bears at once. Do you really do acid? Several times, yes. Was it like that?

That was like it the first time. The second time I gave it up because I was at Future Fest. Ooh, what's Future Fest? It's this dubstep festival in the Midwest. I'm so surprised I haven't heard of this. You should have opened with that, by the way. Why does what somebody weighs soaking wet come up so often? Does soaking wet add that much weight to like oh it's

the most weight I could possibly weigh cause I was soaking wet there was maybe an ounce or two of water on the edges of my skin and hair but other than that I thought it was a good set

you're sneaking in those one compliments son of a bitch I said I'd say something nice. I tried to say something nice and it was a good set, but yes. The soaking wet thing is interesting that still is an expression. Right, I mean, it's a

weird expression, like soaking wet with all your clothes on. Yeah, you should be like, oh, I weighed this much with a fucking suit on or whatever. Or carrying a barbell that weighed 10 pounds. But saying I was this

weight soaking wet is just like, well, what's your point? In what situation did you get on a scale soaking wet? In your clothes. Jumped in a pool in his clothes and then he was like, now I'll be more. Yeah, but you'd bring up the clothes would weigh more than the wetness.

And you said you don't weigh 140 soaking wet? I weigh about 140-ish, yeah. Right. Oh, see, we already fixed it. Next time you say it, I weigh 140-ish. Oh, he did? He said ish and soaking wet? Kick her out.

You're an idiot. Oh, God. What the fuck? You know that first joke that was like... He did say that thing that he did not say. That's what you just yelled out. Because you look like you weigh more than 140. I forget what part of the joke that is.

It's when he's defending his girlfriend's stuff. How long have you been doing comedy? July. July. You're very new. Is this one of your first jokes that you wrote? The first joke. Was it one of the first ones you wrote?

Yeah, about. It seems like something that I think a lot of new comics write the exact same thing where it's a trick where it's like, oh, and it's not the person's not really there because I was on acid. That little trick, I honestly would throw it away and find something interesting about

your life and add some tags to it. If you can find a tag from that joke just to throw in there because that joke is so old and used. The old trick-a-roo a lot of people use that acid joke in the very beginning but you could use this acid joke as a gateway drug to better jokes and I think

and you can only really do that by dropping the acid joke first and starting with more new stuff drop the acid joke joke we did it again Tom, so where are you from? Ohio.

Wow, look at that. Columbus. No shit. What part of Columbus? Grove City. How did you find Columbus, Ohio? Fair. You were born and raised there?

Yeah. Wow's Grove City Which is like south of Columbus 45 minutes Sleaty girls That's where we would fuck all the cheap Next to Groveport Yeah Like 15-20 minutes

Due south from the airport Huge dubstep community out there Yeah That's the only way I know about it That's how I know About Grove City Yeah Grove City is where you go when you want to hear

the fucking... That's where Skrillex records. Yeah. No doubt about it. Where was the Future Fest? It was in the hills of Virginia, I think. The hills of Virginia, you think. But you went there. A lot of acid back in my day. Wow.

Back in your day, how long ago was this day? Like three years ago. Wow. Back in your day, how long ago was this day? Like three years ago. Wow. What a memory. Do you still listen to dubstep? Not really. Once I dropped the acid, it kind of lost its appeal.

Once you drop dropping acid? Drop dropping acid. Now, we used to call Grove City Grove Tucky because it was kind of like this. Yeah, it's a white, kind of conservative town. Did you grow up very religious? No. Farm boy?

Kind of. I mean, my dad was an atheist, and my mom just didn't give a shit, really. You say that like he was an atheist for a living. My dad was an atheist. My mom was a homemaker. You know. What did your dad do for work?

He worked in anything. What was it? Didn't believe in anything. I made a joke. He didn't believe in work. I just wanted to remind him. What did he do for work? What did he do for work?

He was heating and cooling. Heating and cooling? Yeah. Oh, a clan member. Very boring family. Interesting. How long have you been in LA? October. You live here now? Yeah.

October. Well, welcome, man. We're all Ohio people over here, so you're automatically welcomed into our call. Right. You're in the top secret group. I think you got everything you need except for jokes. That's true. That's true.

I'm saying he's fine, you know? Right. I agree. Just keep doing it. And the jokes will come. Don't go too positive with him. I mean, you're new, man. You're new.

Right now, it's just getting used to being on stage, honestly. Find a story that you tell people, your friends. Find some jokes and put it in. Just make it a real story about yourself growing up in Ohio or grew up Tucky or whatever. Talking to your friends is a great note. Do you have friends? Yes, I have friends. Oh, shit.

You're lying. No, that's cool. You're going to be great. Just joke around and try to write down the good ones. I'd rather hear what actually happened on Acid. You know what I mean? Yeah, the's cool. You're going to be great. Just joke around and try to write down the good ones. I'd rather hear what actually happened on Acid. You know what I mean? Yeah, the real shit. Like, yeah.

Well, that kind of did happen, actually. Okay, well, than other things that happened on Acid. More exciting, funnier things. Gotcha. Yeah, don't make it kinder. If you're on Acid, go ahead and talk about it. Yeah, I think you're going to do great. You have a good look.

That's what I said. You have a good look. That's what I said. You have a Dexter look. Great taste in music. I didn't say Dexter look. I don't think he's a serial killer. No, he's talking about the laboratory. Oh, that Dexter. You guys are out of control. You're not on Twitter.

They don't have Twitter in that part of Ohio Get a Twitter What the fuck is wrong with you Get a fucking Twitter Are you on Facebook Just until like the last few months Wow what the fuck man There's something weird about you There's something you're not telling us man

You moved to LA to keep it Ohio Are you Tom from MySpace? I think it's Tom from MySpace. You're the guy that rode the horse here. You seem like one of those guys that maybe just maybe right before you came out to LA

you killed your parents. But I feel like nobody even checks in on them. They're just still rotting in the house and you're out chasing your career in LA while your parents' corpse is rot. Am I close to right on that? That's very close.

I should leave. Did you see? I nailed it. Thanks, man. I nailed it. Tom Howard, everybody. Good job, Tom. Good job, Tom.

There he goes. Stick with it, Tom. You can find Tom on MySpace. MySpace.com backslash Maybe that's why he's not on Twitter. He's that Tom from MySpace. He's got a hot Friendstore account. Your next comedian goes by the name of

Kyle McFadden, everybody. Here we go. Kyle. Kyle McFadden. Oh. Fuck yeah. Kyle McFadden, everybody. So I actually am Kill Tony's first Amish comic tonight. I have a big beard. Has anyone in here heard of a depression beard before? At all? Okay, I'll explain it.

A depression beard comes in a few steps. Step one is you get depression. That's the first step. And then step two is you don't shave. And then you have a depression beard. You're there. You got it. You nailed it. Thank you. Very much.

Depression beard, it's a real thing, and there's a psychological effect. It's a natural mask that shields your face, covers your face from the world. However, there's nothing more depressing on this planet than a depression beard that doesn't cover your face. All I'm saying is I never asked for the ginger ham Lincoln.

This is just where I'm at. Fuck yeah! There you go. That's a real... That's great. That's what a lot of people say is impossible to do on this show. But that's how you do it.

Kyle McFadden. I didn't laugh at anything you said, but I like you. I like you. I feel like a minute wasn't enough for what's going on with you. Yeah, I think you were the first guy tonight that had just a very clear, original voice.

You seemed like yourself up there. Yeah, it was like a mission statement. Yeah. And you were just staying in the moment. You were just using actual timing instead of rushing, trying to get a minute and ten seconds of material out in a minute like everybody else seems to try to do.

It seems like you took your time and did 59 seconds worth of material. It's really hard to, at my pace, to get a joke out, let alone a bunch. Well, there you go. You did it. You didn't compromise your pace. You were like, you know what? So what if I only get two-thirds of a joke in? I'm confident with my delivery, and that's a good thing.

And when you slowly said there's nothing more depressing than a depression beard that doesn't cover your... And then I think you said face, right? I didn't even say it tonight. Sometimes I have to. I thought, and I was laughing before you even said it, but then you didn't even end up saying it. It doesn't even cover your depression. Frown. That's all he had to say.

I thought he was going to say frown because I think it's funny. It doesn't matter. Everyone can write their own punchline. Right. No, I know. Frown is great. He's going to go with frown. He's going with frown.

Yeah, it's a no-brainer. Is this a real depression, or do you battle with depression? I battle with anxiety. I just switch it for the bit. When does the anxiety hit you the most? Right now. Really? It's so weird, man.

I don't get it here, but I'm just the weirdest. If I get out there at a real place, like a Rite Aid or a fucking anything, where it's just like, no, I'm not safe at all. He gets rock hard. Yeah, I get a giant boner. He gets such a boner filling a prescription at Rite Aid. My depression beard grows out immediately like in Teen Wolf.

Teen Wolf's dead. Yeah, Teen Wolf's dead. Speaking of Teen Wolves, Teen Wolves. Speaking of Teen Wolves. Is thisves. Speaking of Teen Wolves. Is this like you're, are you committed to this look? Or do you ever change it? I'm willing to change it,

but this is where I'm at. I like that answer. I'm just saying because as a comedian, when you walk in on stage, it's very simple and obvious to do jokes about your appearance. Oh, yeah. And ignoring your appearance tends to be like it becomes the elephant in the room if you don't do a joke about it.

So I'm just bringing it up just out of curiosity. Not that I think you should change one way or the other, but fucking get a haircut. Oh. Whoa. I was joking at the end. I had to throw a joke in at the end because that was just a fucking speech. Here's what you should do, young man. But you never know.

Maybe it's worse underneath the hair. Who knows what's under there? He might have cauliflower ear and shit. I've gained weight since I've had that. Yeah, he might be from mixed martial arts and have cauliflower ear. That's why he wears that. He looks like a mixed martial arts guy to me. He seems like an ex-wrestler, so that would make sense.

Yeah. What do you do for work? I do nothing for work. All right. What does that mean? Sounds like somebody's a porn star. Yeah, you're lying to us. I do nothing.

You're off the dole? You're just getting, what do you call it? Sounds like somebody's a porn star. Yeah, you're lying to us. I do. You're off the dole? You're just getting, what do you call it? Uninsurance? Uninsurance, yeah. Are you getting unemployment? That's the British unemployment. Yeah, on the dole, yeah. I saved up a bunch of money before moving here.

Oh, moved from where? San Francisco. Did we cover that already? Last week. Oh, shit. This is a big San Francisco scale episode. Why the move from where? San Francisco. Did we cover that already? Last week. Oh, shit. Yeah. This is a big San Francisco scale episode. Why the move from San Francisco?

I mean, why move from one expensive place to live to another expensive place to live? Because it is surprisingly way cheaper here. It really is. Yeah, like crazy cheaper. I believe you. Yeah, San Francisco. Because San Francisco is an expensive place to live. I hear that every time I go you. Yeah, San Francisco. Because San Francisco is an expensive place to live. I hear that every time I go there.

I shared a room with someone, and now I have my own room, and I pay $300 less. Wow. Yeah. But now you have to make that money. And less butt sex. Yes. So what are you going to do? I'm going to see how long my money lasts, and then I'll take it from there.

Oh, don't do that. Get a little shitty job, like Jamba Juice or something for a couple days. You don't want to just spend all your money. Work at Jamba Juice for two days and you'll totally be fine. He read two days every few days. He's going to be a real game changer. Work a weed store. What's something that you like or buy every day

and just get a discount? I have a few gigs I can do up in San Francisco. Wait, why did you guess that he should work at a weed store? Because he looks like his face smoked weed. Do you smoke weed? I've never smoked weed. Wow. I knew it!

Do you want to start tonight? I totally saw a straight ass hippie looking motherfucker. Will you let me just blow it in your mouth? Maybe. What kind of music do you listen to? I have the shittiest answer for this. I listen to all music. I'm not invested enough to be

jaded to be like, that's crap. What did you listen to? You seem like if you were in the back of a cab you would get mad if they played the Eagles. I forgot my slippers at home. Mumford & Sons. What are you invested in? Movies and stand-up.

Okay. That's my favorite things. Well, I think... And food. I mean, as somebody... I have depression, and I'll tell you this. It's not going to help you much if you aren't invested in things. Right?

Because you've got to have shit to talk about, which I think the depression shit was great. Yeah. But that's just like a lot of people come here in their dirt bags. They come to LA in their dirt bags, and they're like, why is not more happening for me? And it's because you're a dirt bag. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to work with dirt bags. But you had a great set

I'm not trying to besmirch you at all whoa sorry I'm from a castle listen dirtbag 92 episodes of Kill Tony it took for besmirched to be said sorry I'm getting ready for the SATs

I can't believe it's never been said Kyle I love your style. It was good to see you again. And also, he loves to rhyme. I loved you in green, That was actually a complete coincidence.

Kyle, I like your style. You don't mean to pile. It on. See you in a little while. Zig Heil. Oh! Kyle McFadden,

everybody. There he goes. I love that guy. He's got a funny look, right? I mean, if he did work in a pot store, that'd be good because people would think they were wasted walking into the pot store. He looks like he gets stones out of his mind. Also, if his beard hair fell on the weed,

they would just think it was better weed. Fucking bravo. I love it. Guys, this is the part of our show where our two regulars go up. We have two young comedians who have been doing a brand new minute ever since they started stand-up here

on Kill Tony. What's going on over there? Josh. He's fucking malfunctioning because the lady's gonna come on stage. Somebody called Tony Stark. Getting excited over there. Yeah, boner alert. Tony's anxious.

This is a horrible introduction for them, by the way. No, it's great. And so they do a brand new minute every week, unlike the people who you saw tonight who sometimes get up and sometimes they don't, and sometimes it's their first time. These two do a new minute every single week. Going up first tonight, you know her

as the Florida dropout, everybody. Started here on Kill Tony, has been doing a new minute ever since for a year and a half. Put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. What's up, guys? Yeah, I'm kind of

having a weird night because I came here and I just had to buy my own drink like an ugly girl. What the fuck is going on? I've been noticing some things. Like, have you ever noticed

that only really ugly guys ask for hugs? Like, you walk by and you try not to make too much eye contact because they always turn around and they're like,

I can't get a hug. That's like the ugly guy anthem. That's like what they say. Like, look around. None of the hot guys

are hugging, you know? Girls are hugging them. What I'm saying is everyone stop asking me for a hug. That's it. Wow. 52 seconds.

Oh, wow. Nicely under the allotted amount of time. But seriously, I need a hug. Her joke's correct. Kim, I talked to you earlier and you were like, I don't have anything for tonight. And that's so amazing. That's one of my favorite weeks that you've had

in months. That was really great. Congratulations. Thank you. Well, yeah, I was just sitting out front with Edie and I was like, I have no idea what I'm going to talk about still. She's like, just talk about something. She's like, and then we started talking about how whenever I come here, I see the same people every night. I'm here a few days a week and I always

have to give them a hug because I'm a girl and I'm like, I don't have to hug you every time. You guys don't hug each people every night. I'm here a few days a week, and I always have to give them a hug because I'm a girl, and I'm like, I don't have to hug you every time. You guys don't hug each other every time. That's a trick that we use just to feel your boobs against our chest.

No, I get it. I know. You should throw out the fist bump right away. I do, and you know what? We talked about how sometimes we'll high five, and then guys will do that thing where they'll like... They'll duck.

You know what I'm talking about? They'll like clasp your hand and then lower it to your vagina. You guys are fucking weird. You gotta talk about that. You should flag that guy. Put those guys on blast if they're doing that. Let them do that. Then you have to untangle.

They should have to report in when you meet them. That's what they do. The law says that I have to tell you that I am a hand grabber on high fives. I'm that creep. You should start wearing a baby Bjorn. What's that? It's like what you hold a baby in on your chest.

Nobody will want to hug you. You could use the baby from American Sniper. I can't risk killing your child just to get in really tight to feel those mammaries those are boobs for the idiots but it's really an issue the hugging thing

I'd say try to stop doing it yeah no I try I don't want to fucking hug everyone what animals are forcing a hug everyone is always like let me get a hug and you can't be like no I don't want to hug you, smelly weirdo. Bye.

I hope at least one smelly weirdo is in this room right now getting the hint. I know. Like, you shouldn't have to hug people every fucking time. You're in here and you're asking Kim for a hug. She doesn't want the hug, right? But I go up to people and I'll be like, yay, you know, and I'll hug someone. So if I want to hug you, I'm hugging you. What if I do like a back hug from behind?

I hug you from behind. Brian, ew. What is that? What does that even mean? What if I get on my knees and I put my head in your crotch? Oh, my God. And I hug you around the waist. I'd rather you eat more pork tenderloin than say anything like that.

No, don't do it. Don't do it, please. I'm hugging you from behind with my dickhead. you eat more pork tenderloin than say anything like that. No, don't do it. Don't do it. Please. That's the sound of Brian eating pork tenderloin for you podcast listeners out there. Is there ever a woman on this panel? Does she have to put up with this every single week? From Brian.

From Brian, yes. Brian's the only woman on this panel who understands what you're going through. But great job. Yeah. Thank you. Totally.

Fuck yeah. What else? Anything else crazy? I tried to wrap it up right there. Why are you trying to wrap it up, Doug? Because nobody else was. It's okay. It still happened, Doug.

Haven't you watched American Idol? People take turns wrapping it up. Welcome to Doug Loves Kill Tony. There she goes. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter. Great job. I could use another whatever I was drinking.

Check out that ass. Josh. Did you say Jack? That ass that she walked away? Your final comedian of the night. The only other regular. She writes another new minute every single week. Usually about something small

that you can find in your kitchen and blows it up into a whole big thing. She's got her own very cool style. Put your hands together for her. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Put your hands together for it's Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. Door stoppers. Who was like, fuck, man, those doors.

We got to stop them. Fuck the fires. It was already the extinguisher. Fuck the fires. It was already the extinguisher. Fuck rapists, criminals. It's the doors. We gotta stop them. There's something bizarre about that because I feel like whoever invented the door stopper was like, you know what's an underserved population?

Doors. There aren't enough accessories for the door. There's the lock, the key, the latch. But what's stopping them? And then they're like, oh, what could I use? What could I test as a door stopper? Anyone got some springs around? A little piece of rubber?

Want to make something happen? Okay. Fuck yeah. Door stoppers, instant classic. Oh, Josh! Come on! What the fuck? I'm the guest.

That's great. Such a bad producer. What the fuck? He just walked up and poured water. He was like, here's a drink! It was almost like it was a drink emergency. Like I might have died if he hadn't gotten in here. He got so anxious.

He's done that before. Almost. He's done that before. He poured a shot of tequila on me one night. Literally just, oh, here you go. Did the exact same thing. I appreciate that enthusiasm. But the thing I wanted to say about that performance

was to be introduced like, here's someone coming out to do a set. They usually find minutiae to be described so specifically. Before you come on, doesn't generally happen in stand-up comedy. And then

he said that, and you came out with doorstoppers like it was amazing yeah like you set her up and then she fucking dunked it so that's all i have to say the way i look at it is you know it when when since they're writing a new minute each week like you know anything that i could do to sort of since it's just a minute you know get the audience in the mind frame of what they could sort of maybe expect, then that's how it will work in a longer set when they already know that she's established.

But you had a guest. What if you said, oh, she does these minute things, and then the first thing she said, let's talk about the UN. No. Suddenly you fucked her with the intro, but she's a pro,

and she switched it up. 92 episodes and I guarantee you there's no way UN's coming from wine shank. I know it too well. Maybe mayonnaise or like the dustpan.

The dustpan. Anyway. I just wish you would have talked about the noise the door stopper makes. When it gets the spring. You can stretch out the front more. Stuff like that. That fire extinguisher thing.

You lost me for a second. There's more about like, you know. And I'd move the back to the front on that too. So everything with the door stops great. It's another new minute. What was that person angry? Slamming doors. Right. there already is a door stopper we know this

there's something about the also like a door stopper's there so that you don't have a handle shaped hole in your wall I think there's something was somebody talking about the doors and was just like you know what we need a door stop knob's been working double duty yeah

the rationalizing of the entire thing. Anyway, no matter what, it's another great new minute. I'm tired of Val Kilmer. We need a doorstopper. Good job. Sarah Wine Shank's on Twitter. Princess Shank. Kimberly Congdon's at Kimberly Congdon.

Those are the Kill Tony regulars. Guys, we did it again. The three of us are all going to be on the 311 cruise to Jamaica. That's right. Us and 311. Three of us on this panel. I wish Brian could go because he would certainly fit in with that situation. Yeah. But, yeah, the 311 cruise from Miami to Jamaica.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to be on it? Or now that I look at you, are you Jamaican? I think he was just clapping for Jamaica. Aren't you Haitian? You just like islands. Alright, cool. He just likes clapping.

He just likes loud clapping whenever the opportunity presents itself. Doug Benson on Twitter, guys. Give it up for Doug Benson. Yeah, Doug Benson on Twitter. Thank you. George Perez was the patriot. What do you want me to promote? George Perez is George

P Comedy. George P Comedy on Twitter. Andy Haynes. I am Andy Haynes. I'm Andy Haynes on Twitter. Alright, guys. Live audience, thank you so much. We love you. Thanks for being here. Shout out to Cameron Gray,

rapper extraordinaire from TMZ this week. Check him out on TMZ. He blew Kanye's mind. At Josh Martin Comic, at Elyse Lane, Stuart Thompson. Yeah. Here we go. Boys Club. Now I may not be gay, but may not be proud. But it don't matter, cause I'm always allowed. Boys Club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boys Club. Ooh yeah. Talking about Boys Club. Boys Club. Come on, baby. Boys Club. Boys Club.

Boys Club. Ooh yeah. Talking about Boys Club. Bye.