KILL TONY - KILL TONY #93

Episode Date: April 12, 2015

Tiffany Haddish, Kirk Fox, Ryan Mirvis, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 02/16/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band. You're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates. Me and Tony are going to be in Vancouver. 420. That's right. April 20th. It's a Monday. We're going to be at the Harbor Events Center. And why are we there on a Monday? Because 420 is one of the craziest times ever to be in Vancouver for the marijuana holiday that is April 20th.

So, tickets are going really fast. It's only one show, one day. So, check us out. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe in our, I guess it's a new thing. We just go every 420 to Vancouver. But check it out. Death Squad Vancouver 420. Also, May 12th, we are going to be in San Francisco at the Punchline.

And then the following day, we're going to be in Sacramento, May 13th, at the Punchline. Also, Kill Tony 100 is tomorrow. So if you're listening to this today, Sunday, it is tomorrow, April 12th, at the Comedy Store in the main room. So many special secret guests. Joe Rogan is going to be one of them. It is tomorrow, April 12th, at the Comedy Store in the main room. So many special secret guests. Joe Rogan's going to be one of them. Brody Stevens is one of them. Wait till you find out who else is going to be on Kill Tony 100.

So check it out. Also, Ice House. Every Friday. We've been having a lot of crazy shows lately. And a lot of Kill Tony regulars on it. so if you like kill tony here's an extension of it every friday at the ice house death squad comedy show 10 p.m check it and last but not least don't forget to check out shop squad.tv for all the official merchandise of the death squad universe all the money i make off of this all of it it, 100% goes to paying the bills for Death Squad.

And if you've realized that Death Squad's been kind of weird lately, it's because there's a lot of shit going on with Death Squad right now. Unfortunately, I've almost become 100% bankrupt, which sucks. So I'm trying to rebuild it, make it a little bit more efficient. Unfortunately, I'm trying to rebuild it, make it a little bit more efficient. Unfortunately, it's really cutting back on my time. But the videos will be released one day. ustream.tv slash DeathSquad has like the last eight episodes on there, unedited. So you get the raw video.

But go there to check that out. And just be patient. I'm trying to catch up, and I'm trying to get everything back together again. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe!

Oh, shit. Here we are. We're doing it again. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Red Band is here, everybody. Hi, guys. Right to my left. My buddy, old pal. We're so close.

We'd like to say hello to both you, the live audience, and the hundreds and hundreds watching live on Ustream right now. We are the only streaming podcast live at the Comedy Store. Welcome, everybody. That's a first in history. It's true. They've never done that before. This is like technology meeting the oldest building in the world. It's very rare that both

Wi-Fi signals and asbestos exist in the exact same room, but we're doing it. Guys, welcome to Kill Tony. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. It's fucking crazy here tonight. I'm very excited. Our only sponsor is here. She's Elise Lane. She's right over there. Gourmet chef Elise Lane, for all

your catering needs. She cooks us a meal every week, and it's always delicious. Brian always makes sure that I smell it. Really good. Tonight, it's pork belly banh mi with pickled carrot, cucumbers, jalapenos, basil, cilantro, and hasan aioli. Delicious.

Stop that, Brian. Never again. Never again. I'll put you in a fucking booth like Robin Quivers. You hear me? Stop breathing on me. You want to end up in a fucking glass booth? She's at the girl with the pan and at Elise Lane on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram

and all that great stuff. We got her work recently. She's now Russell Peters, full-time gourmet chef. You might be wondering, I don't get it. Why does this idiot have a chef on as a sponsor? Think about it. Think about it. Gourmet

food every single Monday and it's always delicious. We love you, Elise Lane. Guys, let's jump right into it. Every week we have a brand new patriot that comes and keeps us safe. It's always a very, very funny comedian friend of mine and it's always just fun to have an extra pal on board the crazy ship. Put your hands together for tonight's patriot. It's his second or third time doing it. One of my favorite people we met on a Geico commercial shoot that we shot with the caveman about four years ago, and we've been friends

ever since. One of the funniest comedians, one of my best pals. It's Ryan Mervis, everybody. Fuck yeah. I love this look. Hey, Tim. It's like a lazy Sons of Anarchy. Oh, yeah. It's beautiful. How you doing, Merv? I'm feeling great.

Clean living. What have you been up to lately? I've been snowboarding a lot lately. Oh, yeah? Enjoying the fine California mountains. Huh. Interesting. Yeah.

You snowboarding, huh? Yeah. Does anybody get on that lift with you? Are they willing to go on that diagonal ride of shame where they're just hanging onto a pole? It's like a slingshot. It just flips right out. I'd imagine that when you got off the ski lift, everybody would feel

that. There'd be something, right? It's an added effect of fun on the mountain. Hell yeah. What's your second favorite thing about snowboarding? My second favorite thing is the view. The beautiful, pristine view. Wow. Fuck yeah.

Romantic over here. It's a real answer. A lot of people would have tried to say something funny right then, but not you. You just went right with it. Answered really honestly, straight from your gut. It's a big place to choose from. A lot of honesty in there. Merv, I'm happy to have you. This is the kind of guy that we go on.

We do our desert excursions. We've had a lot of fun together. We've been to music festivals. But we met on a Geico commercial shoot. We shot a – we landed a commercial. We shot it with the Geico caveman. And Merv and I got a little too high before the shoot. We thought we were all alone and that, like, nobody –

it was right before we got out of the car to go shoot the shit, and we thought we had time, but we smoked pot, and it was really, really good pot. Next thing you know, we were stoned to the gills. It was like two seconds later. We're like, we got tons of time. Right. We're like, this is going to be forever until we start, you know,

have to go to hair and makeup or whatever. We smoked. We were blitzed. And then all know, have to go to hair and makeup or whatever. We smoked. We were blitzed. And then all of a sudden we're in hair and makeup. I remember the lady at one point going, are you guys okay? Because we were just like staring at each other, cracking up. By the way, the Geico caveman, if you're wondering what that was like, he pulled up to the chute. Yeah, he showed up in full makeup.

Left in makeup. The Geico caveman doesn't even go to hair and makeup. Left in makeup. The Geico caveman doesn't even go to hair and makeup. Alright, fuck you guys. You don't give a shit? Think about that. That means that guy's out there driving that car. That is the Geico caveman.

Oh well, I guess some of this audience is too young to remember the Geico caveman, Merv. Has it been that long? I'm so excited about tonight's show. We have two of our favorite guests ever. to remember the Geico caveman, Merv. Has it been that long? Jesus. I'm so excited about tonight's show. We have two of our favorite guests ever. This is the show where we watch comedy and talk comedy with comedians.

These two guests are two of my most used guests, two of our favorite guests, two of the funniest people at it. I'm so excited to have them both here. What's that? What, Josh? What are you saying? What? He's saying Pat. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Fuck. Thank you. Perfect. That's why you're there, Josh. Beautiful. Every week we have a musical guest that comes and debuts a brand new song every single week. Put your hands together for him. It's Pat Reagan. With special guests tonight, Death Squad super regular, creator of Thunder Pussy,

Jeremiah Watkins. It's Pat Reagan and Jeremiah Watkins. Two of my favorite talents. Another two of my funniest friends. Set back for more. This song, this is where Reagan and Watkins guys, and this song.

Hey guys. This is a song that we know how to play And it is entitled Sad Puppy Look up at my master Look down at my parts Look inside myself. I have so many flaws. I'm a sad puppy. Sad puppy.

I'm lying here just waiting for my life to end. Can't even get a flea to be my one and only friend. I'm too depressed to chase the cat, too gloomy to play fetch. Why'd you chop my balls off? I needed those for sex. I'm a sad puppy. Sad puppy. Hike up my leash a little more.

I don't want to breathe. Hike up my leash a little more I don't want to breathe in a dark stream I watch you there through the window and I stare

you wear nothing but you wear it so well you walk by my house every day you're a beautiful lady dog that i would die for and lay with and make puppies with make puppies with my bottom bitch in a dog's dream Make puppies with my bottom, bitch. In a dog's dream. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only two notes he knows I had some tasty chocolate

But it just made me sick Why'd you chop my balls off And just leave me a dick? I'm a sad puppy. The same two notes again. Don't applaud. Sad puppy. Sad puppy.

Happy Perot Triste Wow! Unbelievable. Fucking complete awesomeness. Pat Reagan and Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. One more time.

Every week I have two of my funniest friends on as guests. This week is no different, as I mentioned earlier. Here they are, everybody. Two of the best. It's Kirk Fox and Tiffany Haddish. I could give their credits, but it would take absolutely forever. It would take forever.

Tiffany from BET. Tyler Perry movies. Kirk Fox, host of The Test. Coming in late like a pro. Look at this guy. I love it. Kirk Fox, everybody. Tiffany love it. Kirk Fox, everybody. Tiffany Haddish.

Kirk Fox. Listen, Tony, I said I was in the green room, man. I told you I was there. I love it. Then suddenly Josh is there. Like, where are you? I'm right here, man. Here I am. Good to see everyone. Nice to see you, sir.

Tiffany, how are you? Hey, Kirk. Good to see you. You know I'm, sir. Tiffany, how are you? Hey, Kirk. Good to see you. Good to see me. You know I'm trying to come on your show. You're trying to come on my show? Yeah, I was trying to get on your show. I wanted somebody to tell me the truth. You seem like you would have been perfect for that show.

I know, right? Yeah. I'd have been like, tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. Tell me. Is she? Never mind. We'll be right back.

That's what it would have been. That would have been my go-to. I love it. Well, Tiffany, we can do it any time you want if you want to be on the show. We still have cameras, and the stage is still set up. We'll get you out there. Nice to see you, Brian. How are you doing?

You have a little casting couch left over is what you're saying? It's more of an easy chair. Yeah? I just sit there, and they dance in front of me. I'd love to see you on that show, Tiffany. That'd be perfect. Me too. What have you been up to?

Me? Yeah. I just shot a pilot with Gerard Carmichael. Nice. Yeah. The NBC one? Yeah, the NBC one. Oh, I'm so glad you were on that.

That's amazing. Yeah, me too. I'm glad too. I hope it gets picked up so I can have a regular job because I want to comb my hair. Yeah, you have a great hair look this time around. Every time I see you, it's different hair. It's either predator. Predator?

Well, last time you had predator. What the fuck is predator? Predator hair. I had braids. Oh, braids. Predator. Predator braids. Predator had braids.

Is this all you? Yeah, yeah, he did. Is this all you? This is a part of me. I mean, you could slam your head into a wall and you wouldn't even know it. I know. I don't even need a pillow. It's so comfy.

Oh, my God. Wow. That's a calmed down version of it, right? Like, when you first got that, it was a little bit more crazier. It was super big. Yeah, because every picture, there's people like, it looked like that show. Does it get bigger when you're mad? Sure. Isn't there a lizard

that puffs up a little? I think so. Yeah, the bearded dragon. I am that. No, I'm a unicorn. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm so glad you guys are here

because you're two of my favorite Savants. This is both your fifth or sixth or seventh time. You're two of my most used guests. Way too many. Our chemistry is so much fun. Every week,

the Iron Patriot has a question for our guests on the show. So you're the Iron Patriot today? Oh, yeah. Aren't they supposed to be in some gear? None of it fits me, Kirk. He can't fit in. Honestly, the gloves don't even fit Mervis.

His hands are so fat that he can't fit into the gloves. So large. Oh yeah, yeah. Large, sure. Is that what we're calling it now? Trouble in Camelot. If he was in Camelot, he would have been gone quick. More like Ham-a-lot. Look at this. Ham-a-lot? There it is.

What's your question for our guests? I'll go with Tiffany. Yes. I have a question. What was your biggest, I feel, or... He doesn't know what he wants to ask me. I know.

Are you intimidated by the hair? I'm intimidated by the hair. But you got a gang of hair, too. Your chin looks like the top of my head. No one's ever said that to me before. You got a black chin What was the biggest thing you had to overcome As a female comedian

The biggest thing that I had to overcome As a female comedian Is not thinking of myself as a female comedian And just thinking of myself as a comedian I like it With some good pussy What do you got for Kirk You've done a lot of different You've done done character acting, you've hosted shows and then stand-up.

Yes, I have. Thank you so much. Of all the different tricks you have in your bag. There are no tricks. This is just who I am. Rephrase that. Of all the attributes you carry as Kirk. That's better.

What would you like to know? What's your favorite thing to do out of all of your entertainment ensemble? It doesn't really matter what I'm doing. I just want to be present and honest and love the opportunity and know that I could be dead in an hour. So enjoy every moment, right? So right now, this is it. And I think every comedian tonight,

when they go on stage, they should treat it like it might be their last time on stage. And really respect the chance to go out strong, and if you tank it and you die on the way home, people will remember that you tanked your last set of comedy. That's what they will remember.

So that's the theme tonight. Believe in what you're selling. You too. Get your questions together before you come out next time. Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do one minute on tonight's show. All the names are in a bucket. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up

when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's what it sounds like. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Oh, shit. Oh, traffic. Look out, Bear. There's a whole thing going on.

There's a lot going on here. Now, can I ask you one thing, Tony? So this is streaming, so people are seeing this right now? Anything can happen. If there's a streaker that comes on at some point, that would never happen. Female streaker. Asian female streaker. So then that would look like a little girl

running around naked. That's not cool. Depends on what you're looking for. Holding her driver's license in the air. What's cool is that Tiffany actually made friends with a 14-year-old who does stand-up. I did that once. Dangerous. I did. And he wants to go up.

Yeah, I wanted you guys to critique him and give him a chance. Normally, I tell everybody who wants a special spot, no. But since there's a very strict 21 and over rule here at the Comedy Store due to liquor license laws, he can only come on at a specific time and perform. So we set that for right now. So ladies and gentlemen, you want to bring him up? You bring him up. Please make a whole lot of

noise for my little buddy all the way from Seattle, Washington. Give it up for Deshae, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Deshae. Deshae with the first minute of the night. This little piggy had one. How you guys doing out here? This little piggy cried.

That's cool. Man, I'm a little frustrated, but I'm happy to be here. Like, the other day I got a whoopin'. But have you ever gotten a whoopin' and during the whoopin' you feel like the whoopin' wasn't about you? Like, let me explain.

Let me explain. My mom grabs me. She throws me on the bed. That's how I fall on the bed. She starts tearing me explain. Let me explain. My mom grabs me. She throws me on the bed. That's how I fall on the bed. She starts tearing me up. Boy, didn't I tell you to stop playing around? Okay, I was playing around, but then she started saying things that made me realize, like, the whooping wasn't even about me. Boy, didn't I tell you I ain't got the money.

Mom, what money? On the other hand, my dad, he never whoops me because I think all dads are just lazy and you guys don't want to get off the couch. My dad just stays on the couch and just listens for stuff throughout the whole day while he's watching us.

Y'all better not be on my Xbox! You guys do that little fake thing with your belt? Don't make me get my belt! But you guys don't get up. Don't make me get my belt! Thank you guys. My name's Deshae, man. Fuck yeah, Deshae.

Deshae. So cool. So Deshae. Hey, stay. So cool. So Deshae. Hey, stay up here for a second. You get to talk to us now. That's so cool. I know, right? I love your style, man. Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up for? Like 10 months. Wow. Were you 13 when you started? Yeah. Oh my God. I did his birthday party. Yeah.

That's amazing. She was twerking in front of 13- I did his birthday party. Yeah. That's amazing. She was twerking in front of 13-year-olds. Wow. I was not twerking like the 13-year-olds were. We're not going to talk about that part. Did she do the fart thing? No. He don't know nothing about that.

Shut up. Did you hire a twerk? He looks at me as a respectable woman. Did you hire her to twerk?. Did you hire a twerk? Did I hire her to twerk? No, it was a bonus. It was some like. It always is, my man.

I was playing good music. Your stage confidence is ridiculous. He's so smart. You just owned every open mic in this room. Well, I don't know about that. Relax, Brian. Stage presence for being so young. You're 14, but you have the stage presence of a 15-year-old for sure.

Yeah. Thank you. It sounds like marketing to me because you seem way too smart for 14. I feel like you're just like a small 27-year-old that's just spitting. Next Webster. I wish I could tell the ladies that. Never mind. I'll keep on talking. How did you feel up there? Up here? Yeah, I felt great.

I don't really get nervous. It's just when I feel people laugh, I'm at home. Did you feel that you were talking with us or at us? I feel like I was talking with you guys. I was telling you guys a story like I would tell my friends. That's what I always think of when I say comedy. I'm with my friends. I'm just telling you guys a story.

Wow. What the fuck are you doing here? But Chuck. Will you hire us? I taught him that. You brought this guy out first? Will you please hire us in seven months when you're the head of show business? He's a great writer.

He can set up your podcast and your website and stuff. He does great improv. Did you kidnap him? No, I didn't kidnap him. Is this your boy? Man, he my boy now. I'm going to go ahead and make him my foster baby. I feel like going out and finding a hot 14-year-old and just market it.

He's going to be a star so you're getting beaten at home though let's talk about this I mean we might as well talk about it we can help you is this a cry for help listen I want to tell people

what's happening to me but I just got to mask it as a joke does your dad yell at you like that? Huh? Does your dad yell at you that aggressively with the belt? He told me to say no. No. He does not. He told you to say no?

All you should do is you should bring a 45-year-old home tonight to just talk to them. You could say, listen, I met this comic at Kill Tony and I just brought him home and he wants to see your belt

he wants to see the belt how long how much material would you say that you had how long of a show do you think you can do like probably like 10-15 minutes wow that's all you needed at 14

I just started And he's really good But what's great is Especially after 10 minutes at your age You'll grow out of it I mean at 10 minutes That shit won't even fit you In 6 months

So don't get too much Unless you have older brothers Use some of his material in six months. So don't get too much unless you can borrow, you have older brothers? Yeah. Jokes? Yeah, use some of his. Do you like, his material? Do you like, do you like tigers?

No. Because he got a tiger on his shirt. Oh, because I'm a, are those your pajamas? Did you sneak out of fucking bed? God damn it.

What I love is that you came out and you performed and you put on a great show, but now during this part you're still yourself and you're just right there in the pocket. It's very impressive. Keep your mind, you know, stay sharp through it all. You're probably going to be a really big star.

He will be a big star. Don't go all Michael Jackson on us, all right? Don't change colors. Can I make one? I will stay as dark as I can. Don't do the Bieber shit. Can I make one suggestion? At some point, when you go out on stage,

do your jokes the way you're talking to us right now. With that kind of strength, if you came out just chilled, the room would freak the fuck out. If you came out just like that and said, you know, I'm having a bad day. You know, I got my ass kicked. You know, my mom, you know, she hits me hard. And you just fucking start mirroring it.

And you have that poise. You will destroy. Because you were so animated and moving around so much that you blew through some of the laughter. So if you could just kind of slow it down and take in the laughter, because you said you were talking with them, but you weren't. You lied to me. You were just attacking. And you know that, right?

You were doing a goddamn monologue. But it's funny. So imagine just slowing it down and feeling it. Because you say you have 10 minutes of material. I bet you have 20 if you just say it slow. Boom. On your first joke, you explained how you think your mom was taking things out on you. And then you kind of repeated it again when she was actually spanking you.

You should listen to that, what you're set tonight, and try to combine that. So you're not over explaining that part just be like my mom whips me she was whipping me and I think she's taking it out

you could just do it while you're getting whipped and here's a good tag while you're in there when she's whipping you have her at one point say your dad's name yeah

yeah no no that is perfect and then you're like wait mom That's dad He has the same name as me too Now it's starting to make sense

Yeah there's something to that also But he has a street name so We don't call him by his name His name's Snow You should call him by that. That's a good name. Why do they call him Snow? Because he's from Game of Thrones.

He's a bastard. No, because he moves a lot of cocaine. He might be white. We don't know. Don't yell at me with your hair. That fucking scares me. Snow. Maybe just like the ski, Kirk.

Come on. No, I think it's... My last name's Frost, though. Whoa. I just guessed it. I don't know for sure. He just said that friends called him Snow. I don't know why.

You can find out. You can shit him down. Take off your belt and fucking beat it out of him. I've asked him for three years straight. He won't tell me. Like, he gets around it. He tries, and I just fall for it every time. Because he don't want to tell you that he sell that cocoa.

That cocoa. I'm in love with the hot cocoa. Hot cocoa. There you go. You're funny. You're funny, kid. Deshawn. Deshawn.

Deshawn. Yeah, I said that. Deshawn. All right. Don't correct us when we mess up your name. Just be happy we're talking to you, kid. You're still 14. Anything you'd want people to go check out or see or do, follow on Twitter or something?

What do you want people to do? Yeah. You guys can check me out on Vine. Yeah. Deshae Frost. D-E-S-H-A-E. Oh, shit. Frost.

You already know. And then Instagram. D-E-S-H-A-E underscore Frost. In two years, you could see him driving the streets of Hollywood. Yes. Oh, yeah. I just... But I can't drive, though.

I can't. No, in two years, I said. I know. I can't. My mom's trying to teach me now, but she don't want to. I think we should have a cop show. We should have a cop show, just you and me. You and me?

I'm going to be running. Instead of Turner and Hooch, it's just like Kirk and Deshane. Kirk and Deshane. CBS this fall. Turner and Hooch. It's just like Kirk and Deshane. Kirk and Deshane. CBS this fall. That could be picked up probably. I wouldn't be driving. I'd be running and hiding in

little small buildings. He probably wouldn't even catch me with his long legs. Stick to your material. You're losing us. Deshane, it was nice meeting you, man. Have a great night. There he goes. Deshe, it was nice meeting you, man. Have a great night. There he goes. Deshae, everybody.

The future. The future. All bow down to the future. I'm so proud of you. One day you'll all be saying, I think that was... I'm not proud of you yet, kid, but I got plans for you. You saw my belt. I'm proud of you.

I just wanted him to feel comfortable. That's why I was a little aggressive, abrasive. I wanted him to feel like he was still at home. Familiar. Well, to the bucket we go, everybody. Well, I just want to let you guys know that every one of us on stage is going to get a big fat blessing because you let the young man get up on stage and do his thing. And I remember when I was that age, nobody would give me a chance.

5%. Fuck blessing. 5% of and nobody would give me a chance. Fuck blessing. 5% of that future. That's a blessing! Let's talk about it. But I'm just saying, nobody would give me a chance when I was his age and I'm just so happy you guys were willing to do that. You're good white men. I like how you made it about race. That was awesome. Thank you. Because it is always about race.

I pulled the name out of the bucket. Your next comedian doing 60 seconds here tonight Goes by the name of Daniel White He's been on before I think so He's 13 years old out of Kentucky Oh it's Hanksy Whoa he's got a guitar look out

Pat Reagan Somebody's coming for your job Daniel White everybody How are you doing tonight? So, I just want to come here and clear something up, a little myth. They say that playing guitar helps to get you laid. I've been playing for 15 years.

I'm here to tell you that that's complete bullshit. You have to... What the fuck? You've got to have a couple other things, okay, that women look for. You've got to be able to sing. That helps. You've got to have a couple other things women look for. You've got to be able to sing. That helps.

You've got to be able to play songs that they like. That's another thing. You've got to be attractive. Being attractive helps a lot. But if anything, it's just affirmative action, like how schools would use it. You've got two good-looking guys. One plays guitar.

Hey, we'll go with that one. But anyway, so I want to just prove a point real quick. Now, who wants to fuck? Fuck yeah. Daniel White. I would have been more apt if he used his tongue. For the, to play the guitar. Yeah.

Ooh la la. Cause his. I could show you anytime. I could do that. Jesus, this guy just came in his pants over here. The way you said that made me even more dry. The one thing that really stood out to me was the mic stand thing. What happened there?

You were so focused on that and then the next thing you did, as soon as you had it where you wanted it, you pulled the fucking mic right me was the mic stand thing. What happened there? You were so focused on that and then the next thing you did as soon as you had it where you wanted it, you pulled the fucking mic right out of the mic stand. I didn't have it where I wanted it. You drew everybody into that mic stand and the second you finally tightened it the way you had it, you stood there for a second and immediately you just

grabbed the mic right out. You didn't even move the mic stand. Yeah, he just left it. It made my pussy way dry. It made it pussy way dry. Is there something wrong with the mic stand or were you fiddling with it on purpose? Because that's a whole part of the game. Is this where you like it? Right here? Right here? You know what? Fuck it.

I'm going to leave it right there. Like, what the fuck? Are you turning away from me? Basically what Tony's saying is you peeked at the mic stand. The mic stand thing had me drawn in for something. I was hoping that there was going to be a payoff there, but it was all for nothing, huh?

All for nothing. It was just a shitty mic stand. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't turn on the mic stand. It's just a mic stand. It's not the mic stand's fault. Trust me, the mic stand doesn't want to be here either. I don't think the mic stand's what threw it off its tracks.

The mic stand's fine. That was nerves. He was just obsessing with it. He don't know how to work that shit. What I was going to say, because when he tightened the mic stand. Let's ask him, how long have you been doing comedy? Me, I've been doing it for about four and a half months now. Yeah, see, he don't even understand the concept of mic stands

He hasn't touched enough mic stands To know how to work in a finesse Can I make one suggestion? Now, if you're going to come out with that guitar You only have a minute up here I would just hold on to it Yeah That way it's with you at the time

Yeah, wear it up here Wear it like a backpack. I mean, if you're bringing a guitar up, fucking live in it. All righty. Let us know that shit is a part of you. You really know how to play. And try and cut down the introduction of what you're going to do. All right.

The shorter your introduction, just get to it. Can you take that beanie off? What's up under there? Some messy hair. But you got hair. Like, show that off. It don't match the jacket. Man, you just went from train engineer to accountant real quick.

That was amazing. That was insane. Went from the choo-choo to the numbers. That's better. Now, do you have Superman? Oh, that's not so Superman, bro. I don't know. Do you do other shows?

I don't know what wet comic book you've been reading where the Superman looks like that. Is the guitar part of your act always? No, it's not so Superman, bro. I don't know. Do you do other songs? I don't know what wet comic book you've been reading where the Superman looks like that. Is the guitar part of your act always? No, it's not. Tonight I was just kind of thinking, just trying out using it as a prop. I hadn't done that before. So as a friend, I'm going to suggest you never do it again. What? Listen, we're all in this together.

If I say something that doesn't work, I expect everyone to say, you might want to lose that. All right. I mean, if you're going to have a prop, it shouldn't just be for one joke because it takes away from you. You may have to say, hey, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. That's what I was kind of testing out tonight. It worked with a few other people. Maybe you weren't rushing through it that time. That's what I was thinking, too.

Or maybe you could save it and just do it for your friends. Do you carry that guitar around to just do that one joke? No, I've been working on musical stuff with other comics, so I also just keep it handy. So you play the guitar? Yes. And you really never get laid? Oh, the guitar's never been a factor.

It won't be you get laid. Lots of alcohol use? No. What are you saying? Are you Bill Cosby and these bitches? Now all of a sudden I think there's bodies in your basement. And I'm guessing you live in a basement. Am I right?

Not in California. Semi-right. Above ground basement? It's a garage. There's no windows. Feels like a basement. Whoa. So it's still like a dungeon, like a basement would be. You live in a garage? That's what you should be talking about.

You should talk about what's made you this way. Video games and fucking no windows. Have you ever been with a black woman before? A half black woman. What was that? Which half? What was that like

for you? Excellent. I don't discriminate. This doesn't. Do you think Tiffany would break you? He said his dick doesn't discriminate I never met one that has are you mixed I'm a quarter Hispanic

a quarter Hispanic you should talk about things like that I thought you might have been a little bit black you remind me of the officer from the Simpsons what he's like the skinny person you know the officer of the Simpsons. What? He's like the skinny person. You know, the officer of The Simpsons. What's your favorite joke?

Do you have a 30-second joke you could tell me right now? A favorite 30-second joke? Just tell me a joke right now, because I know you feel that we're just bashing you, but give me one joke right now. All right. Are you familiar with Ganesh, Hindu deity? Got his head chopped off and replaced with the head of an elephant.

I just imagined Ganesh looking in the mirror after that happened. Seeing that elephant head there on his shoulders and wondering to himself, why couldn't this happen to my dick instead? Full time guitar from now on. Just all guitar. Everything you do.

Everything you do has to have a guitar in it. And maybe a harmonica. Yeah. I think you need to just strap yourself up with instruments before you have one of those pedals where you step and there's a little drum. You just gotta get a little more confidence. I mean, you're just kinda, you doubt yourself right now.

And you should just believe in whatever you're selling. And the only way to get out of your head is by doing a ton of shows all the time in uncomfortable situations with your peers and good comedians judging you. And you've only been doing it four and a half months. What do you do besides that? A lot of musical stuff

and then just some shitty day job work. Doing what? Office stuff. I work for a video game company and I work for a non-profit agency. I knew you fucked with video games. Talk about that shit. What do you do?

Quality control? You just play games and tell people what? Oh, no and I work for a nonprofit. I knew you fucked with video games. Talk about that shit. What do you do? Quality control? You just play games and tell people what? Oh, no. I'm a data analyst. I maintain accounts payable. Look at that. You got benefits and shit. Talk about that.

Have you ever been with a black woman before? Or the fact that you work for a video game company, which is awesome and cool, but you work for the most boring part of a video game company, the accounting department. So he just gave you your first joke. Yeah, work on that. Boom. There you are.

Daniel White. Nice to meet you, Daniel. He's on Twitter at Dano Comedy. That mic works great now. Yeah. Merv, what did you think of Dano? You ever go on stage with a guitar before? I went on stage

with a mandolin one time and it was a big mistake. How would you do? I tried to sing a funny song and it was a bad song and not funny. Tell us how not funny it was. This sounds great.

How bad was it? What was the song about? And then tell us how not funny it was. This sounds great. How bad was it? What was the song about? And then tell us what a mandolin is. A mandolin is a string instrument. But it's tiny, right? It's tiny. And I have giant hands. It's like the wrong instrument for me to play. Do you know how to play it? You should have brought a cello up.

A big cello and then fucked it if things were going wrong. Just start fucking it. What was the name of the song that you played? It had no name. It was about sex, and it was just no one wanted to hear about it. Oh, jeez, I can't imagine how terrible this must have been.

I'm trying to dig anything up, and you just keep trying to bury it. No, please don't make me say a line. Do you still have the mandolin? Yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket, guys. This guy's been on a few times. He studies brain science and neurosurgery

at the University of Southern California. Maybe I know him. His name is Ori Amir, everybody. Here he is. I'm from Israel. Thank you. And the one thing I don't like about my country, besides the culture, the people, and all the Jews,

I mean, just like Hollywood, but without the talent, you know, is that they didn't accept my love for Jesus Christ, which is what I named my pet pig. Jesus Christ, which is what I named my pet pig. They told me it wasn't kosher, that it wasn't the true Messiah. But if it wasn't the true Messiah, how come it tasted so divine? Don't worry, it's okay for me to tell this joke because I'm Jewish and Christian and a Muslim Buddhist vegetarian. And black, just in case.

My point is, I can say this crazy shit because I'm a foreigner and you would assume it must be normal in my country. You say creepy, I say tomato. Wow, nailed it on that. Got it right on the laugh. And by the way, yes, that's how Ori actually sounds and talks. I know. I probably should have said that in the short intro. My favorite thing about you is you preach peace.

Show them the back of your shirt. What's your thing say? I actually don't know. It says war. Really? Do you not know that you're just wearing a sweatshirt that encourages war? It would make sense, but I didn't know that, no. He's just a natural Bond villain.

I did not know there was a swastika tattoo on my back. I'm from Israel. Everyone thinks I want to fight. Is it something I'm from Israel. Everyone thinks I want to fight. Is it something I'm wearing? But it's something adorable about you two at the same time. Impossible. You're such a great

villain. Can you say I'm gonna fucking chop your goddamn head off? I'm gonna fucking chop your fucking head off. Why do you say it with a smile? Yeah, that's what makes it even more fucking scary. Jesus, he's such a good villain that he's like, I'm gonna fucking chop your fucking head off Why do you say it with a smile? Yeah, that's what makes it even more fucking scary Jesus, he's such a good villain that he's like, I'm gonna do this I didn't think we'd have to

but we're gonna have to dub his voice He's the Joker, man Say it calm, don't overthink it Relax Oh, fuck it, Jesus Christ I'm gonna chop your fucking head off I'm gonna chop your fucking head off. I'm going to chop your fucking head off. Very creepy.

I remember you from last time. You scared the fuck out of me. He doesn't creep me out. He's my kind of guy. Wow. First girl ever. Really? Jesus Christ.

Didn't you say he was studying to be a neurosurgeon or something? It's not the first time Tiffany's been the first girl ever. How close are you to graduating at USC? Couple of months. And a couple of months away. And what's your study? Neuroscience. What am I studying right now?

I used to scan comedians to see what goes on in their brains as they improvise. Wait, that's how you would take their material? Yes, yes. They got brain scans. Joke technology. So you could possibly be a brain surgeon? No, just a scientist. So you study brain...

He looks at brains. And do you show people what could happen to their brain if they fuck up? No. By just talking to them? Something like this, yeah. Wait, so this is what I need to know. Do you have an MRI machine?

We have an MRI machine to my disposal. You have one to your disposal? Have you ever... Shut up! Wait, I need to know. Have you ever put a... The woman is asking questions. Yeah, have you ever put a black girl in an MRI machine?

Oh, shit. I don't think so, no. You want to? I know people who are still doing experiments. I'm done, but they're kind of... I don't want to be an experiment. I just want to see if I got cancer. By the way, imagine that.

You go to USC to get scanned, and this scary fuck is on the other end. The only guy that you can hear when you're going into a little tube. Orgy, orgy, orgy, orgy. I know he's got all my material. Just relax. Everything's going to completely be fine. Orgy, orgy, orgy, orgy. And then he's

on stage like, you ever sucked a black dick before? Because you're doing all my jokes and shit. What the fuck? I'm sorry. Maybe you do need an MRI. No, you don't have brain cancer. You might have hair cancer. Well, an MRI, I just want to be in one of those machines one time. I want to try it.

It costs too much money to just do it on the fly. You know, it's like $800. It's better to have a professional do it than him. Yeah. I got all my dental work done by students at USC. I have access to an MRI machine if you really need. I can slide you through. I was almost a doctor. Really? For real? Yeah.

You would have been a great doctor. I still can't. Really? What do you mean you were almost a doctor? You were up for a role in Scrubs or something? What are we talking about here? I went to med school, my friend. Really? For real? Holy shit. I got this pain. So do I. I have an ache.

Maybe we could kill two birds. Let's do it. I got this pain. So do I. I have an ache. Maybe we could kill two birds. And let's do it. I love it. Obamacare, hard at work. People just go into anybody with any classes that they may have taken. Like, I am really sick. Can you check this thing out? This is what it's come to.

MRI machines are expensive. Yes. They're a million dollar Tesla. Yeah. I want to be in one. A Tesla or an MRI machine? I test-rolled a Tesla. Test-rolled.

Test-drove a Tesla. That was nice. I'm going to get one of those, too, when I get rich. I think you're funny. You definitely believe in what you're talking about. No one knows what it is. You're very kind to my people. Would Mervis fit into an MRI machine,

or would you just have to scan the top of his forehead? He'd fit in, but he'd be shot out like a torpedo. They can't get him out. He'd be constipated. Live there forever. I don't even know what the joke was, but it had a great ending. You say,

I say tomato. Something like that,ba-ba, I say tomato. Something like that, right? No, you say creepy. Right. Yeah. I say tomato. I'd open with that. Yeah, that is a good opener.

Yeah. How do they know I'm creepy at this point? You know you're creepy. Immediately. As soon as you get there, you know. It's a gift you and I both have. It's interesting because every time you come on the show, you have this really big story. Like one time he brought a dildo on stage or something like that.

Right. He had his Daniel White experiment with the guitar except his was a dildo. Yeah. You had a dildo in your pocket, right? Not today. But you did that one time. Yes. Have you ever done that since that night?

Once. It stayed in the chamber, huh? You kept it around. Just one more time it took you ever done that since that night? Once. It stayed in the chamber, huh? You kept it around. Just one more time it took? How did it go that night? It was an interesting experience. That means terrible in stand-up terms. What I was asking is, do you ever just do a set that's like you? It's not like you're... Because you always have this weird kind of almost character when

you're on stage you almost have like a uh like you're not really just talking about normal shit you're like you're not just like today i woke up with the starbucks i farted whatever but it's always like my country and dildos and you know it's very it's very it's a caricature of me but it's still me it's like you know it's an exaggerated me. I just wonder, have you ever not done an exaggerated version and just done a set like you? Yeah, I think so. Just didn't like it. Did it feel better?

It felt different. But I think you would benefit from just being this guy? Absolutely. I think once you become a character, you're going to lose something. I guess because of my experience doing the bar shows and stuff, you have to kind of get people's attention

so you exaggerate your, you know... Let the material get their attention. It doesn't have to be you being a clown. Thank you. They're here to listen. So if you get up there and just talk, they're going to give you the moment. But you're going to have to get their attention.

You're a master of that. I'm a master of nothing. I'm just telling you what I've been through. I used to be a bit of a character, and it was a lot of work. I find I have more fun if I'm just talking. And if they're not laughing, it's okay because I'm being truthful.

I'm just being myself. Rory, have you ever been with a black woman? I have, yeah. But I don't mind more. See? See that? You see that? That was you.

That was honest. You were a little animated because you really were. You were excited. As opposed to, hey, yeah, I'd love to be with... One works. I see what you're saying. Good advice. When you had this night with this black woman...

No shit, I'm not here for my looks, fucker. When you had this night with this black woman, what shit, I'm not here for my looks, fucker. When you had this night with this black woman, what stood out to you? What was different? Enthusiasm and movement. Yours or hers? We actually fuck back.

Yours or hers? Hers. She was very enthused. Was she like, you gonna make me cum, motherfucker? She was like very... Maybe Was she like You gonna make me come Motherfucker She was like very Maybe she was trying Maybe she was trying To get away

She was trying to get away Trying to get out Of the MRI machine One would think But She had so much movement It was crazy I had to hold her down

What kind of What kind of movement Are you talking about Can you like Describe it in any way Yeah pelvic basically It's like Public movement Perfect Pelvic Oh okay Perfect movement What kind of movement are you talking about? Can you describe it in any way? Yeah, pelvic, basically. Public movement? Perfect.

Pelvic. Oh, okay. Perfect movement? Pelvic. Oh, pelvic. Only in Israel do they use the word pelvic. Where did you find or meet or buy this girl? Just at the campus.

At USC, huh? What was it? At USC? USC, yeah. Yeah? now were you in South Central were you a character or were you this charming gentleman with the twinkle I never fucked a tall white comic I don't think so no I I have with a mustache little self-awareness. I'm not sure what I was at the time. Probably more towards... Human.

Yeah, human. Did she hit on you or you hit on her? Sort of a combination. But to wrap it up, the point I'm making is you got laid because you were just being you. So if you want to fuck the audience, you're going to have to be yourself. Yeah. It's true want to fuck the audience, you're going to have to be yourself.

That's true. That's the key. When you do that other character, it's uncomfortable sitting because a lot of us know you're kind of doing it. So it throws us out of what you're actually saying a little bit. And then they're laughing at you and

not the tomato powerful tag. Yeah. Great job though, Ori. Very fun stuff. Ori Amir. He's on Twitter at Ori Amir. O-R-I-A-M-I-R. That easy.

I like that jacket. It says war. It says war. He didn't even know that it says war. But it's in a stop sign jacket. It says war. He didn't even know that it says war. But it's in a stop sign though. It says war inside of what would be a stop sign. So it's like stop the war. I think it says stop war. Let's fight.

Do not pass without fighting. I love it. Do not roll through the stop. Fight motherfucker. This is Israel. Hilarious. Put your hands together. This looks like a new name. Regan Talay, everybody.

Regan Talay. Regan Talay, everyone. Come on. Hey, it's Regan Talay, everyone. Come on. Hey, it's Regan. It's spelled like Regan because my mom named me after the president, but she spelled it wrong because she's a Republican. I deleted my online dating profile today

because I wanted to get harassed less, so now I get harassed in just three forums. That's Twitter, Facebook, and the outdoors. You guys, something interesting I found out today, my brother got engaged to my ex-husband's sister. That's true. It's a real thing that happened, which is weird, because I took him aside when they first started dating a few years ago and I was like hey brother it's gonna be real awkward when you guys break up for everybody. And now it's just become the most ironic thing I've ever said in my life.

And I realized that it makes me my ex-husband's sister-in-law. My brother, my new brother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, my ex-ex-sister-in-law, and I'm also pretty sure that this makes me my son's aunt. Not entirely sure, you guys. Wow. Reagan. How fun. So wait, so what happened in this?

Look what I'm still trying to add up everything right now. I'm super confused. What, uh... My brother is engaged to my husband's sister. Your what? Look what I'm still trying to add up everything right now. I'm super confused. What? My brother is engaged to my ex-husband's sister. Your what? My ex-husband's sister. My brother is engaged to her. Your brother is engaged to your ex-husband's sister. It's been a long time since I've been in Ohio,

so I have to get my white trash brain back on track exactly. I used to know how to speak this language very fluently. I know. There's a tag on that joke that is uh we're actually from socal but like uh it's not that like it's just that we're lazy you know right it's not they were meant to be together it's just like we don't try that hard to find partners honestly you should throw that joke away it's it makes it makes zero sense like i sat there trying to really think about it, and then it got worse and worse, and then I'm just like, what the fuck is going on?

Well, it seems like you have an idea. When did this happen? They got engaged recently. They've been together for a while. Just cut the fat. Yeah, I didn't tell it very well, truthfully. My brother got engaged to my ex-husband's sister. Now I think I'm my son's auntie.

What the fuck? We not even from Alabama. Now if Tiffany can't make it funny, that means that joke can't work. It's considered a math joke in my head, what I call a math joke. Whenever you're actually having to think about adding or things things it just throws you out of the moment where you're trying to figure something out and you shouldn't be you should be just enjoy yourself and laughing okay Southern California all the way how far away from Victorville originally okay so, I'm going to give you

a piece of advice that I guarantee will change your life completely. Okay? You press that mic into your chin out of nerves and it's almost because you want to be leaning against a wall.

You have got to take that mic away from your chin. And I know it's going to be hard against a wall, you have got to take that mic away from your chin. And I know it's going to be hard because I know it's your safety blanket. But I'm just saying these mics are powerful. And if you just talk into it and you've got to get your hand out of your pocket, no, but that's all right.

I'm just saying, listen, we are all in this together. But when you press that against there, it's taking away who you are. So keep that mic away and just believe in the stuff you're talking about because you really get in your head and you're getting in your own way. So even take your hand out and just start chilling and just start talking. Yeah, sometimes it's – Of course it's hard. This is the hardest shit chilling and just start talking. Sometimes it's – Of course it's hard. This is the hardest shit in the world.

Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. Pull it away from the chin because it was sneaking there. Yeah. I mean, really? Put it out here right now. All right. And you see how you cross your arm now? Yeah.

That's because that mic is your safety blanket. Uncross your arm. Damn it. And just chill. This is what I do. I had a talk. This is what I blanket. Uncross your arm. Damn it. And just chill. This is what I do. I had a talk. This is what I do. I had a talk show.

I'm good at it. But I'm just telling you, it'll change your life. Yeah. And just start getting more comfy. All right. And just enjoy what you're selling. And also know that the product you're selling is also you. Mm-hmm.

This is you you're selling. So it's your ex-husband's... Wait, what? Oh, man. It's funny, because that joke usually confuses people, but not this much. Oh, we're not that bright. That's not true.

That joke would kill at MIT. They could probably relate to it a lot more in Victorville, but... Your ex-husband's sister. Your ex-husband's sister. Yeah. Is engaged to my brother. Yeah, but anything you have to explain this much, fuck it. No, it's funny because when I, yeah, I'm still. Your ex-husband's sister?

Yes. Is married to? Getting married to my brother. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Before I thought it was your ex-husband. Getting married to his own sister? No, getting married to your brother. Right. I know. Yeah. Before I thought it was your ex-husband. Getting married to his own sister? No, getting married to your brother.

Right. Wait, what? Wouldn't that be some shit? That'd be the only way this could possibly get any weirder. That would be something to talk about though. My ex-husband is fucking my brother. Has there been a family gathering yet? It's worse than fucking your sister. Yes, there's been too many.

With all of them? What's that like? Your ex-husband's sister? Yeah, well we have a child together so we have to see each other. That's what you should be talking about. That's some creepy shit. Creating life. What are you, fucking nuts? Babies.

With your brother? I mean, that's hard. Yeah. Yeah. If they have kids, Babies With your brother I mean that's odd Yeah If they have kids I feel like maybe that their kids would look like our kid Which is even more creepy That's called family It's all creepy There's nothing that can get any more creepy

Than what we're talking about right now Well I love it Reagan Get it off the chin. Reagan Talay. She's on Twitter, Reagan Talay. All right, Reagan. Back to the bucket we go.

Anything can happen. Anything, anything. Ooh, this looks interesting. Horace Rock. Are people still watching out in the world? People are still watching in the world? Oh, shit. Horace Ra?

Oh, you know what that means, Tony. He's not here, so he just got blacklisted. Make noises. Blacklist him? Make noises. Sound like a mandolin if you can. Act like you're shooting lasers at the person that just got blacklisted. Pew! Pew! Lasers!

That would have worked if you didn't say lasers. You had us. I sort of like the lasers. I think I did it better when I was Patriotica. All right. Patriotica? Patriotica. Yeah, I was Patriotica.

That's what I called it. It's very exotic. I know. That's a black patriot. Patriotica. Patriotica. Put your hands together for the next name that I pulled out. It is Maurice Love.

Oh, Maurice Love. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh, shit. What's about to come up here? Sounds sexy. Maurice Love. Maurice Love.

There he is. How's everybody doing, Amy? Yeah, so I was living on the street for about five or ten years, and I found out that there was a bird that was my best friend. When the bird died, the bird laughed. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What are you laughing so hard for, bird? Because I fell off the lever and died.

You know what? When I hold my malt, I hold it just like this and it's cold and I sip. Anyway, so yeah, up in the forest I noticed that I had some red ants and I didn't know what to do about the fruit flies. Can anybody tell me what are fruit nuggets? What are fish nuggets? Okay. Yeah. I'm kind of like up here just, you know, doing my thing, but I'm shaking and I can't.

Oh! Wow. There you go. Dolphins for some reason on that one. How you doing, Maurice? Talking to the microphone. How do you feel about what just happened? Hey, Tony, how are you?

I'm good. What did you think was going to happen, Maurice? Well, what do you mean? This mic stand's coming back in the storyline, huh? This mic stand's demanding attention tonight. It's really loose. That's what they say until you tighten it, and then it's back to like every other mic stand.

Well, it's working out for me. You know, it's real sporty. Was that real material that you just did? Was that like written down, or what was that? It's actually a bit that I had that I let go to waste, I think. What do you mean let go to waste? Well, I was doing a set at another club, and it just didn't work out. And so I thought that I would do a 60-minute or a 60-second or something like that.

Right. You couldn't have did 60 minutes with that. People would have got up and left. People left during your 60 seconds. So, I mean, no, I'm kidding. They didn't, Maurice. I got you on that one. You turned your head and everything.

You did. You did. So were you homeless for five or ten years? Well, yeah. I was on the street until I got a shot with the liquor store. Well, there was a liquor store on the Kardashian show. Okay. And I guess they drove by and showed the liquor store.

So I kind of dressed it and put together a little bummy look. And it worked out. What worked out? The 60 Minuter. Are you still on the streets? No, actually I'm not on the streets anymore. Things are really looking up for me. But I do know that being in a bum life just isn't going to be a comfort zone for me.

What do you do for work? Well, I think walking up and down the streets I'm pretty sure you're still homeless This is the shit you should have been talking about It's not necessary, it's bummy, it's not homeless, it's bummy At the end of the day, when you're done bummy, at the end of the day, do you go to a home? I did, I did actually It was for two weeks I had went home.

Listen, we're just asking you a simple question. Are you still homeless? Yeah. Yes, I am. You're a fucking liar. Your nails are clean. Yeah, you have brand new shoes on. Yeah, and a brand new hat.

Your hat has a tag on it. And you have leather on your sweatpants. Sapphire, baby. Okay. So do you know the key to comedy is honesty? Mm-hmm. Well, I think I've been a bit damn too honest tonight. You look like you work at Bank of America and shit,

and you're trying to trick us. Okay, well. I think you do work at Bank of America over there in Englewood. I've never worked at Bank of America before. You work at somewhere where you, I remember you giving me some money. You look like you're playing a character. Yeah. Well, trying to. Okay, this is really funny that you guys are saying

I'm playing a character. But we're just talking to you. And if you can't talk to us back, then we'll just bring someone else up on stage that can utilize the time. What do you do for work? How do you make money? Well, besides walking up and down the street,

I... What are you doing when you're walking up and down the street? Are you selling something? No, no, no. I don't... Are you speaking to anyone? Well, I do a little bit of different characters and things like that. Do most of these characters ask for spare change? Well, no. Characters of stars and characters of...

You're a costume guy. Yeah. You're in front of the Chinese theater. Yeah, you can say something about that. Well, we're just trying to get the answer. I mean, we're just trying to talk to you. Do you wear a costume? Yeah, sometimes.

Which one? I said the bummy. Oh, my God. I feel like I'm on a bad date with a better black dude. It's over. Oh, my God. I feel like I'm on a bad date with a better black dude. It's over. Oh, my God. This is why I only date white men now. Maurice, you're out.

Maurice, you didn't utilize your time value. It was valuable time up here. We could have helped you and talked about your jokes. I feel like I'm tripping on acid right now. I thought that I put on a good joke for the night that I'm not really a bum. Well, then we could have talked about it. I think he had Jehovah's Witness. High highs and low lows here on Guilt Road.

Your joke was that you were a bum? Yeah. And is that funny? Usually, when they say a homeless joke, it's really funny. How long have you been doing comedy? 10, 11 years. Okay, so you know better. You know the audience.

You know better. That's all I got. What do you mean you've been doing it 10 or 11 years? That's how long he been homeless. I don't get it. His audience was birds. Maurice, I can't figure you out. I wish you the best of luck.

Have a good night. Have a good night. Maurice, what? What are you going to do? I don't like that shit. Have a good night. Have a good night. Marie Swart. What are you going to do? I don't like that shit. I just try to play with our intelligence. What's left of it.

Everybody has so much more fun. He might be mentally ill, though, and we just talk shit to somebody who's mentally ill. No, he's fine. Yeah, he's normal. His nails was all manicured well and shit. He's got girlfriends and stuff. Seems like he's in good shape. I'm Kermit the Frog. Everybody knows a bird.

He's got his shit together. Hey, Kermit. We know this name. Excited to bring this guy up. Put your hands together for Bricks and Bullets. Yeah. Yeah. Bricks and Bullets.

I know a lot about that shit. Here he is, everybody. Bricks and Bullets. You attempt suicide and fail. All that means is God doesn't want you either. How does it feel? Like, you know, do your friends call you up and offer you words of encouragement?

At least you can die knowing you took your shot. Sarah, uh... Oh, fuck, I'm blanking out. I'm blanking out. Damn, man. That's all right. Isn't suicide just like a really, really late abortion? Minus your mother's guilt.

That's all I got. Bricks and bullets. I love it. Bricks and bullets. That was so funny. You really lost it so hard. We could almost all see it in front of you. You were really trying to picture it.

Yeah. You were trying to picture suicide. Earlier in my life, yeah. I mean, I thought you were good. Yeah. You have a really funny take on it. Thank you. Thank you very much.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, last time I was here, it was my first time. I've probably been up five or six times since then. Wow. And you have some stuff that's not suicide-based? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I tend to laugh at the more extreme stuff.

Me too. To help with my confidence, I just go to what makes me laugh. I have a suicide joke I've never done. I say, suicide is against the law. What's the sentence? Life. Right. That's great.

I like that one. I'm going to work it in. See, Kill Tony's good. I got to do a joke. Yeah. I like that. Yeah I'm going to work it in. She killed Tony's good. I got to do a joke. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, your writing is great. It's all just stage time.

Thanks. Thank you so much. Kirk. Oh, fuck. Sorry. I thought we were talking about that joke. That joke killed. No, really.

I mean, you were great last time. You were great this time. Of course, that always happens. You forget. I have that happen. You should have something to go to, like, real quick. That might be a little silly that you can use while you're thinking of what it is. But that's just, like, something that you'll get in your tool chest eventually.

Why are you dressed like a landscaper? I like his outfit. Last time I was here, Moses told me I looked like an early 90s battle rapper. Well, it's good that you've, you know, now you're an early 90s battle rapper Well it's good that you've Now you're a late 90s battle rapper You really stepped up your game I'll take it And I'll say this

One thing that you can kind of work on Is having the feeling of the joke That you're talking about That way you're not locking in the words Because that's funny stuff And you're funny So if you talk about that stuff with the feelings,

it's going to sound more like a joke. Sorry, more like a longer joke, more like a story as opposed to a knock-knock joke. That's something I've been working on but you're all confident until your name gets pulled. That's great.

That's why we're here. We're all just trying to get it. But you can string those three jokes together so it'll seem like one joke. Yeah, that was the plan until I lost my shit. That's all right. Stretch it out. Break it down.

Think of the note. Think of different things. What else would you do? How would you do it? Bobbity-ba. Try to stay in that pocket and write out a whole thing about it. That's all you have right now on suicide?

Is that a chunk? You could stretch all that out. The whole trick to writing is just asking yourself a ton of questions about the subject. How would you do it? What would you do? How would that feel? Then you weave them together. A lot of my stuff used to just be a one-liner

and then I connected three one-liners and then suddenly it's a longer story. Yeah, I've been doing a ton of writing, and I find that I wrote a lot when I was younger in school, college, and stuff, and I've never experienced so much failure in writing. You know what I mean? Like 90% of the stuff that you write when you're writing for comedy, in my experience anyway, is like throwaway stuff, you know?

But I'll tell you something. There is no failure ever in writing. If you're writing, you're creating something. You're stretching that brain. And you have to write things to see that this doesn't work, but then you can build onto it. You can never look at anything you're doing creatively as failing, ever. Years from now, you're going to look at this writing also that you might have not

liked or used, and you're going to be amazed at how much funny stuff that you'll find in it, and you'll use it later in life. I looked at my stuff the other day and found two things that I threw away, thought it was dumb, but there was parts of it that now worked at a different time in my life, a different joke that I was thinking of. So keep all that stuff and keep it safe because you'll use it in the future. And two pages of writing that get you to one

gem? How can those two pages be a failure? Why do you go by the name Bricks and Bullets? It's something that I had wanted to do, a project that I had started years ago and didn't complete.

I got on Twitter, not having any intentions at all. I just got on there and I used that as my name just as a reminder if I'm going to do something to follow through with it to keep going because that was a project I had on the side years ago. The Bricks Stop Bullets. What's your real name?

Jeff. I'd go with that. Yeah. Jeff's a little less aggressive. Just who you are. Just be who you are. I thought he was going to come up here with some 8-mile type shit. I've never seen him before. But you know what I mean?

So maybe it's time that you just be Jeff telling some jokes, working on your writing, and just sometimes forgetting jokes and not beating yourself up about it. I would tell you you should get in the acting game, but they already made Breaking Bad, so that was your shot pretty much. And I really like what you said, Craig, about the emotion thing. Like for me, when I do my jokes,

I try to definitely connect with the memory of it because I like to use a lot of stuff that really happened to me. So I try to connect with the memory, and that way I never forget the joke. If I have the feeling, then the joke always comes. And if I don't have that feeling, then whatever the feeling is,

that's what comes out most of the time. And you might also find that your new words are funnier than what you thought the joke was going to be. So don't lock yourself into anything. That was my intention was to come up here and try and do a little more emotional connecting. All the best

writers write a ton of garbage. A ton of garbage. The draft that people end up seeing of anything, of a movie, of a book, of anything is like the 11th draft. So, I mean, plus everything else that they write that's dog shit garbage. Everybody writes dog shit.

So now that you know that Stephen King and every great writes diggity dog shit at times. Yeah, we all take shits. It shouldn't be that big of a problem for you. There's no such thing as writer's block, by the way. What the fuck is that? Good job, Jeff. It's no such thing as writer's block, by the way. What the fuck is... Good job, Jeff. It's a psychological... Thank you. Yeah, Jeff,

what's your last name? Are you like a wanted criminal or something? No, Carruthers. Jeff, what? Yeah, exactly. Okay, bricks and bullets, everybody. There he goes. Jeff Carruthers, man. Jeff Carruthers. Jeff Carruthers. I love it. Character from a show, Jeff Carruthers. Did you hear what happened to Jeff Carruthers? Yeah, he killed Character from a show. Jeff Carruthers.

Did you hear what happened to Jeff Carruthers? Yeah, he killed himself after his son did that. Yeah, he did a... It was a cry for help. He did four suicide jokes. When he said that joke, it reminded me of my childhood. And then blew his brains out in the parking lot. Jeff was talking about writing.

We're talking about writing, which is the perfect time for this part of the show where our two regulars who write and perform a brand new minute every single week come on stage. They've been doing this since the beginning of the show. It's so much fun to have them here every week doing new

fun, crazy stuff. Performing the minute first this week, University of Florida Dropout started here on this show and has been doing comedy in L.A. and every episode of this show ever since. Put your hands together for the very funny

Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Kimberly! Thank you. Fifty Shades of Grey came out on Valentine's Day. That was like a really big thing. Everybody was excited about that. I don't really get it, you know? It's about, if you don't know,

it's about a girl who graduates college. She gets a job under some guy who's really sexy and rich and just fucks her all the time. I think it's super realistic because nobody gets a job out of college. You know? I hate when girls say

that they don't get along with other girls we've all had that girl that's like I only get along with other guys it's like well that's cause you're a cunt you don't get along with 50% of people like really bitch the only people you get along with

wanna fuck you that says something about you I'm dating a guy people you get along with want to fuck you. That says something about you. I'm dating a guy but we're in a big fight right now and I've decided to punish him by stop not having sex with him anymore but I have to stop because I'm tired of blowing him.

It's like, this is hurting me more than you. Fuck yeah. There you go. another new minute from kimberly congan i love that you totally agreed with her so hard that she got the classic tiffany haddish everybody don't get that everybody don't get that but that's true that's true what you said i like that joke i like that one yeah it's You're talking about somebody who doesn't get along with half the people. I hate when girls say that. It's like, if you don't get along with other girls, you're just a bitch.

You're just a bad human. Right. There's so many girls. Or I think they're closet lesbians, to be honest with you. Fucking whore-ass bitches. Whoa. Holy shit. Yikes.

Wow. I don't like bitches that don't like bitches. Is there any women in this room right now, by round of applause, that only get along with guys and don't get along with other women? That point. I had a feeling nobody would respond to that. Are those overalls or do you just have an extension of pants? You know what?

Actually, they're overalls that can turn into pants. And I took the overall part off because I got made fun of last week. Wow. Overall, I'd say that was a pretty good decision. Why does it get that noise? All right. With that first joke, you said it was realistic?

What was the first one? You should have said it was unrealistic. Yeah. Oh, that's what I meant to say. I messed up then. I meant to say it's so unrealistic nobody gets a job out of college. Now it's funny. Yeah.

Okay. And you got to just get to it sooner. I mean, if you're going to do it, it was 22 or 23 seconds until you hit that. Yeah, but how do you explain all of that? I don't think you need to. Everybody knows about Fifty Shades of Grey. All you say is, I watched Fifty Shades of Grey. All you say is, I watched Fifty Shades of Grey. Look at this shit.

Blah, blah, blah. Unrealistic. I just couldn't believe it. Everybody's excited about Fifty Shades of Grey. The most unrealistic part of the entire blah, blah, blah is that she got a job at a college. She got a job at a college. That's white girl powers.

That's all that it is. If you're not going to talk more about that part of it or something, then it's probably not worth it. You should talk about how they look like they don't know how to fuck. The world knows what a DJ is. Everyone knows. But I think that line is actually the setup, and then I think you can build a whole joke around that as the setup. If you use it as the setup instead of the punch,

I think you can dive into that world. You can go all into the workplace and stuff. I'll let you chain me up and whoop me. What is she going to be doing in 10 years? How is she going to be in 5 years? Talk about arthritis and just bad

her hip is still out. Unless you just don't want to spend that much time on a joke that's got an expiration date of a week. I totally double down and think more about the 50% of women that say they only like guys things.

I hear that a lot. And all those females, they drink a lot, they smoke a lot, they always dress like, they try to dress better than you. Their cell phones are always cracked. Yeah, always cracked cell phones. They always argue with dudes.

There you go. That's it. Talk about those people. Break it down. They always got a lot of eye makeup on, too. Glitter eye makeup. Man, I hate those. All of us.

There you go. Kimberly Congdon. She did it again. Another new minute. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. She did it again. Another new minute. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. The final comedian of the night and the only other regular that writes a new minute every week.

Super goofy, wacky. Always takes a small, inanimate object and seems to stretch it out and talk about it, make it funny. Put your hands together for the stylings of the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Sarah! Put your hands together for the stylings of the great Sarah Weinschenk, everybody.

Sarah! Sarah! Encyclopedias. In the 90s, if you had encyclopedias, you were really someone. That was a badge of scholarly honor. You were upper middle class then. Because if you didn't have encyclopedias, life was just harder. If you had to write a book report or study something,

you'd have to carry around two books instead of just looking it up online. If you were a dude and you had encyclopedias in the 90s, the world was at your fingertips. Bitches would want to fuck you. Because they wouldn't have to go to the library

anymore. They would just come over. Can I borrow K? Encyclopedias are bullshit. Nobody just peruses casually through an encyclopedia. Is that it? No. No? Go on. You always have to have an agenda. You're looking for something. You don't just take out letter P and say, hmm, today I'm going to study persimmons and then penguins. All right. Right. It would have to be penguins and persimmons

because N's before R. Yeah, that's true. But, I mean, that's just math. Did you ever do an encyclopedia joke in the past? No. I've tweeted it. I love that. But, you know, an interesting part was, like,

when you said in the 90s you didn't have encyclopedias, what did you say? No matter what you said, it doesn't matter. What you could say that's just an instant home run is you didn't know anything. You need to really nail it that there's no internet, there's no phone, no way to find it. If you didn't have encyclopedias, you wouldn't even know what an encyclopedia was. Right. Yeah. I like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Just cut to that point faster. Well, my grandma, she made me feel like we was rich because we had like three or four different brands of encyclopedias. Like if you got the Britannica, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, the World Book. Yeah, the World Book.

The different brands. And then you had some friends that were poor that were missing letters. Right, exactly. But they knew all the time. Wait, this isn't a complete set. Where's MN? Which, by the way, I remember that being a lot of my childhood.

They're always missing ones. And those people were just really smart at aardvarks and apples, but they had no knowledge about spiders or tarantulas. They would only start at the A's and they'd be lazy. really smart at like aardvarks and apples but they had no knowledge about like spiders or tarantulas. They could only start at the A's and leave it lazy. And then eventually

they just started being used for door stops and just fucking coffee tables to put shit on. Eventually they were just gone. My grandma used to talk shit about people that had old encyclopedias. If their encyclopedia was more than 10 years old she'd be like they don't even know how to stay up with the times.

That's not relevant. That's funny. Yeah, the fact that they were constantly updated. What a money machine. Like not much changing in the encyclopedia except for whatever they found that year. I miss those books. Well, that's it.

We did it again. Great new minute, Sarah Weinshank. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank, Sarah Weinshank. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Sarah Weinshank. And Sarah, I noticed that you were so surprised that that K joke got that big of a laugh that it threw you. It was great. The laugh was so big it scared you. When the girl came over to not get laid at the library.

Oh, hey, you got K? You got K? Yeah. And the laugh was so big that it threw you. It was cute. Yeah. Hey, you got that penis coloring book? I don't.

Come back to the mic. Ah, damn. All right. This is terrible. There you go. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. I got a coloring book coming to Michigan. It's either on the mic or off.

Ryan Mervis, we did it again. We did it. Hey, team. Thank you, Ryan. You were great. Where can people find you? What's coming up, Ryan? I felt safe.

I felt like you had our backs if some shit went down. Like if someone came in here, just a Viking, you'd fuck it them up. He does look like Vikings. Super safe. Thank you. You got it. What's coming up, Merv? Anything you want to promote? I'm doing La Jolla

at the end of the month. Check them out in La Jolla. Elise Lane is Elise Lane on Twitter. The girl with the pan on Facebook and Instagram. Follow her. Order her food if you have a party. She's your caterer. Kirk Fox. I will actually be in

Vegas next week for a week at the Tropicana. I have a job. Can I open up for you? You might be able to. And I'm doing one night in Kentucky on Friday. Really? I'm getting out in the world, man. I'm getting out of my bubble.

Heck yeah. Kentucky, they got good fried chicken. Boom. Nailed it. Yeah. Live audience, make some noise for yourselves. We saw, we had a lot of highs and lows tonight, people. Daniel White, Ori Amir, Reagan Talay, Horace Ra,

Maurice Love, Bricks and Bullets, and Deshae Frost. That was a blast. 14-year-old sensation. Thank you to you, live audience. Follow me on Twitter. See you. Episode 100 of Kill Tony is in the main room of the Comedy Store April 13, 2015. It will sell out. Thank you, everybody.

Good night. Good night. We're taking proof photos. Outro Music you