KILL TONY - KILL TONY #94

Episode Date: April 12, 2015

Jeff Ross, Moshe Kasher, Willie Hunter, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 02/23/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv Check out our website, click on tour dates, you'll see that we're going to be in Vancouver 4-20, April 20th at the Harbor Events Center This is our second year in the row to be there for the 4-20 Marijuana Spectacular in Vancouver It's crazy in Vancouver in 4-20 guys, if you don't live there, Jesus. Anyways, come out, Tickets are going fast. It's me and Tony Hinchcliffe.

And then in May, we are going to be in San Francisco, May 12th, at the Punchline, me and Tony. And May 13th, we're going to be in Sacramento. Also, me and Tony do Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store. It's free. This week, we have the big Kill Tony 100th episode. It's going to be in the main room. Big show. So if you hear this in time, check it out. And then every Friday we have the Ice House Chronicles,

which is a comedy show slash podcast in the other room. But the comedy show is great because it's a bunch of Kill Tony regulars like Sarah, Wineshank, Kim, me and Tony. And sometimes we even throw some open mic or some early... You know what I'm saying. Sometimes we even throw in some comics from Kill Tony that we were impressed with.

Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website for his full tour calendar. He's all over the place. A lot of dates with Joe Rogan. He also has his own merch, so check it out. And don't forget about ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

T-shirts, hats, everything. Check out the itchy pre-order. Anyways, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony and

Flynn! Yay, everybody. It's another episode of Kill Tony. How you guys doing tonight? How crazy is this? Episode 94 of Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store, streaming right now. The livest show in the world.

And we're here. Hi, everybody. There's a real live audience here. People watching this stream, I promise you. It's all happening. Laney and Jerry are coming in now. Fuck yeah, welcome, guys. Hey, just turn off your cell phone right now.

How about this? Because every show, your cell phone goes off. Yeah, when you guys order drinks tonight, try to just whisper to the waitress. You guys are so loud. I know you don't hear it, but it's a live podcast and you guys have become the accidental fucking room tone. So just settle it down. It's like those two guys from the Muppets

that sit in the little side thing. It's true. You guys are loud as fuck. You need to settle down over there. But we love you. They're here every week. Put your hands together for Jerry and Laney. Basically Kill Tony's grandparents. So good. All right, settle down, Jerry, you fucking animal.

What the fuck happened? Jesus Christ. You're that guy. I got it. From now on, they'd have to wear ball gags, like S&M ball gags. Wouldn't that be awesome? No. No, it wouldn't be.

That would be so creepy. Those two with ball gags in their mouths, give me a break. Especially the little one. All right. Here we are, everybody. Let's do it again. The only show where comedians watch comedians and we goof around the entire time.

Every single week, we have a sponsor. She makes us a meal every single week, and it's always delicious. That's Elyse Lane sitting right over there. Super comedy chef. She's a personal chef for Russell Peters and she cooks us and the guests a brand new meal every single week.

Tonight it's oven roasted garlic herb chicken breast with Greek style pearl couscous, hummus and vegan homemade falafel for me and Moshe Kesher. Because we're vegans and we're healthy as fuck. Settle down. Brian, this is such a horrible part of the show

where you grab food and fucking breathe it on me. It's so weird. It's a joke that will never catch on. It's the most random fucking thing. You really don't have to commit to it, I promise you. All right, I'll stop. It's chicken. Guys, every single week we have a patriot that keeps us safe.

It used to be a man in a $5,000 Iron Man suit, and then he left the show telling us that he was irreplaceable. So to show him how irreplaceable he is, we've replaced him every single week with a brand-new person basically doing the same thing. This week it's no different. A little better, though. Yeah, always, because now we have comedians doing it.

This week is a return comedian, one of my favorite friends, one of the coolest people, just wrote on Gerard Carmichael's NBC pilot, Go Gerard, Go, one of the right-hand man to some of the best comedians in the game. It's the one and only Willie Hunter, everybody. Here he is. Wow. Fully committed. Just with the shoulder pads tonight.

I love it, Willie. This is a good look for you. Thank you. You gonna commit to the mask the whole time? You have such a likable face. There he is. Willie Hunter, everybody. Look at him. Isn't he cute? Keeping us safe. He's fully prepared. You've done this a few times. You excited about

tonight's show? I'm very excited now. There's something not on. Is it his mask? Is it the mic? Is it on now? Something like that. I think it's on. You just have to really eat that mic because you don't have the speaker box on. There it is. We're all over it, guys. This is podcasting

gold right now. What happened to the speaker box, Josh? Speaker box? It broke. How do we... This is my second speaker box that I've had to... It broke from the beginning. It's not my fault.

You know it's not... You know the podcast isn't crushing when you hear a dog bark at the comedy store. Let's just throw that out there right now that I'm aware that the show has started a little bit slowly. We're all fully aware of that. Let me just acknowledge it so we can move on to the next part

of the show. Willie, you're excited about our guests, right? Who are the guests again? We don't do that on this show. Just say yes and we move on. Yes, I'm excited. Me too. It's another two of our favorite friends. They've done this show a couple times before, and they are back again.

Another two of the best for you, everybody. It's Moshe Kesher and Jeffrey Ross. Yeah. Live and in the flesh. Can you believe it? Here they come, because I'm sure Josh Martin is all over it. Hell yeah, perfect. Jeff Ross bringing two meals.

Hell yeah. Rocking it. Got the lunchbox, the food, Moshe Kesher's in the house, coffee. You told me it was a long show. I wanted to carve up. I love it. Welcome back, guys. Moshe, how are you?

I'm good. I'm still thinking about Jeff carving up. This is carved down right now. You are, right? What did you do with your falafel that was made? Did you already eat it? I felt like it was anti-Semitic to offer a Jew falafel, so I went the other way. And did what?

I put it in my ass. It was good. Oh, perfect. Sort of Department of Homeland Security style. I love that. Every single week our patriot asks the questions to the guests. So go ahead. I have these guys right.

They have a week to prepare. Is this Tom Brady ashamed to show his face in public? I can see your head spinning right now looking at me. What are you thinking about me, Jeff? You look like Jeff Goldblum's stand-in from The Fly. I guess my first question is... You look like you're about to play football at Comic-Con. You know what?

I'm going to ask Jeff the first question then. You've roasted a lot of people. You've got the Bieber roast coming up here pretty soon. Give it up for that, everyone. My question to you is, besides roasting me, who has been the weirdest person you've roasted? Maybe famous or not famous. The weirdest person?

Yeah. Wow. I roasted Richard Branson without him knowing knowing it and that didn't end well it was a prank it was a prank he's probably the only person ever to get mad at me it was a prank i've told tony this story before but you should never roast somebody unless they volunteer because his friends put me up to it it was was in Canada. And he kind of laughed. They were laughing so hard, and he wasn't really laughing. And he got up at the end, and he pretended to give me a hug, and he poured his drink on my head.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah, so fuck him where he lives, which is in a billion-dollar mansion. What was your reaction? What did you do? Like, did you just sit there and take it? I mean, we both kind of were, I had to be a good sport. Who am I, of all people, to try to get pissed off about something?

But it hurt, you know, it made me realize you have to roast people who volunteer and also no one over 85. Because Jerry Lewis had a heart attack once on the flight home. Was there, what do you think, there was a specific joke that probably upset him? Upset who?

Richard Branson, when you roasted him. I can't remember I blocked it out like it was a rape. Do you think he thought he was being funny? Yeah. And then afterwards his buddy says, oh, he does that all the time. He's done that to a lot of people. He doesn't like to give...

You can't prank powerful people. Right. Yeah. Our first piece of advice here tonight, I'd kill Tony. For these young up-and-comers. By the way, Up-and-comers is also one of my favorite porno series. What's your question for Moshe? For Moshe, it is...

Oh, somebody remembers that one? That's good. I have a question for you, actually, Willie. Oh, sure. Go ahead. When you were putting the weird, like, Jason Future pedophile thing on, did you make the choice to tuck your T-shirt in? Or was it already pre-tucked and you just went with it? That was my first choice.

Oh, cool. You thought that would add to the look? Yeah just went with it? That was my first choice. Oh, cool. You thought that would add to the look? Yeah, I thought it would, yeah. Willie, how can you look like a child and a child molester at the same time? Wow. Man. My question is... First Terrence Howard gets fired, then Don Cheadle.

They're really fucking going low in the bucket for you you recently uh you you post a lot of like hate mail you get and recently had one in miami i believe uh do you secretly love hate mail i it's got to be powerful to know that someone took the time out of their day to write to you something like that uh yeah no i like it i'm i'm into into it. I elicit it. I have a section on my website that's for hate mail. And so if anybody out there wants to talk some shit, you know, and you want to get schooled by a sort of foppish looking hipster, well, I'm ready. I love that.

So haters are welcome with you. Haters always welcome. I love that. You invite them right in and then blast them on the rebuttal. Just fucking straight up blast them on the rebuttal. Just fucking straight up blast them, dude. Did you ever get offended off any hate mail? Like you're like, oh, this is.

I get offended on every single piece of hate mail. It hurts every single time. But then I think about you in that costume and it makes me feel really good about my career choices. All right. I think it's time for the show to start. Willie, have you ever gotten hate mail? No. All right. Willie. Willie, have you ever gotten hate mail? No. All right.

Willie. Willie. Have you ever gotten email? Have you gotten any mail whatsoever in your life? Has anyone really confirmed your existence, Willie? No, no. Okay. Good luck with the game, whatever you're doing.

Thank you. Thank you, Jeff. And keep that shirt tucked in. Everything's going to take off. Let's get this party started, guys. We're going to do it again. You guys know the drill. Comedians signed up for the chance to come up and do one minute of stage time and then

talk to comedians. And that's how we do it. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You better wrap it up then Or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Wait a minute That's it

That's the West Hollywood PD I think There you go For tonight I just had an American sniper moment I guess that's the bear tonight We're going to rock with it. You guys excited? It's Kill Tony 94. To the bucket we go.

Doing your first minute tonight. The comedian that goes by the name of... Oh, we know this guy. It's Fang Chao, everybody. Yeah! Sounds delicious. Wow. How are you guys doing? Good?

You guys look like an okay crowd. I think. We'll see. My Chinese name is Feng Chao I got 700 points on my SAT test just for the name should have been everybody laughing it's a smart joke the other day my buddy Jake

asked me for a favor. He said, dude, I need you to leave a message on this Chinese girl's phone that I'm really into. I said, sure, look at me. I'm a gentleman. Here is the message that I left on the phone. To whoever this is, Jake is a douchebag. My name is Feng Chao. My phone number is 414-Bobbity-Bobbity-Bob.

There it is. Feng Chao. You did it again. Thanks. What's your initial thoughts on Feng Chao? We did it again. Thanks. What's your initial thoughts on Fang Chao? We've seen him a few times here on Kill Tony. That was funny, man. That was funny.

It was fun how you went into real Chinese at the end when you said babbity babbity bop. I didn't see that coming. Well, I tried to learn English. Trying. But I thought, like, I didn't want to give out my phone number. That was... Of course.

No, I got what you were doing. I was doing a racist joke. Now, Feng, you actually are from China, right? Yes. Beijing, China. How long have you been in America? Six years. Yeah. About six years.

What have you been doing in the six years here? I went to school, but I quit school and I moved out here to do comedy, Los Angeles. I moved here last year, about, I want to say May. Does China know that you quit school and you're just doing stand-up

comedy in America? They know. They kick me out because I'm not really good at math. They were like, we're going to deport you. I was like, fuck you guys. I'm out. Too many people there. I look. Where was the school?

UW-Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Oh, God. You went straight from China to Wisconsin? Finally a cold, gray nether world that's worse than China. Yeah. Was there a direct flight? I'd be curious. No, no, there's no direct flight.

To Chicago though. How do you say the flight to Milwaukee is leaving in 10 minutes in Chinese. The flight to Milwaukee is leaving in 10 minutes. Wait a second. What part of that was Wisconsin? Did you say Milwaukee? It made me hungry.

I don't know what it was. Oh, Milwaukee. That's right. Did you learn English in China? Yes, I did. Oh, okay. Because you're pretty good. I mean, you're pretty good. Thanks. Wow, I feel like a piece of shit.

I get it. It's a compliment for my English. Yeah, I mean, it's a bad compliment. I'm not good at that. I should get back to insulting you. I felt like you stole Margaret Cho's thing that she does about her mom with your accent. That was a little joke. Forget it. That's one joke that I didn't get, but

I'll get it later They all got it You know In America Sometimes when a crowd Really likes a joke They'll be completely silent Did you start in Wisconsin

Or did you come to LA to start I started in Milwaukee, Wisconsin The comedy Wow Did you ever do The Comedy Cafe Yes Yes

Do you know about that place Uh uh There's a It's like owned by the mafia And they'll kill you They they'll pay you with a gun on a stack of cash when it's time to pay you. It's a really scary place.

It is pretty scary. A lot of white people. Yeah. I guess in that way, every place in America is scary for you. Anyway, Feng Shui. I hope you're not offended by the decor at all Yeah, that's like Japanese, isn't it?

I don't know The Japs? And you thought I was being racist I thought we were in a safe place to talk about shit I thought you were great I thought when you're up there You could drop your arms, you could open up a little bit more, you seem nervous.

You had a great opening joke. Let's see you a little bit. You have an interesting world view, I bet. I think you're playing a little dumb for your act. I think you're a smarter guy than that. That's my only advice. Thanks. There's some notes from the Roastmaster.

You did it. Thank you very much. It means a lot to me. I feel like it's an honor for me to... Taking all the jokes from you guys. It's fun. I like it. It's fun?

Yeah. I was taking the jokes. Don't buy Rosetta Stone. I learned from it. It's not working out So how long do you get to stay in America? Or how long were you supposed to stay in America? Yeah, that's the question

My visa ran out about five years ago Wow Thank you for laughing Thanks Thank you guys You guys are great You have to be pretty concerned if you're being honest for laughing. Thanks. Thank you, guys. You guys are great.

I mean, you have to be pretty concerned if you're being honest. I mean, do you really... It was a joke. I know, but like... You seem like somebody that's here illegally, knowing you. Wait, what do you mean? Just knowing him, he seems like he's not supposed to be here.

What a douchebag. There you go. There you go. There you go. You nailed it, Bang. I thought you were funny, man. How do you make money? How do you survive out here? I do some translation

between Mandarin, Chinese, and English. Is there a lot of work for that? Where are you mostly doing that at? Holy shit, you're a translator? I'm guessing... I'm guessing casinos. No, online. I get a lot of assignments.

Have these people never heard of Google Translate before? Or have they never heard of a person that actually knows English? No, but it's easy for me because I went to school for like, I learned English for such a long time

and then Chinese is just my native language. It's easier for me to do that. And now I want to do comedy. And hopefully soon I will just get rid of the day job and telling jokes. Billy, what do you think about Fang? What's your plan for him? Well, I have no plan for him,

but I think he's good. Thank you. My homeboy's made the costume. Are there a lot of black people in China? In China? From Africa, yeah. From Africa. But they come straight from Africa?

They were like, oh, we teach English here. Like, nah, bullshit. Wow. Wow. Wow. Holy shit. If they would have said, like, I teach Ebonics, I would have been like, alright, sold.

I get it. Bang, I love your style, man. Thanks for coming on the show. Have a good night, guys. Funny. I like him. Rolled with it. Rolled with it. He calls him Japs, but I just noticed he has Bruce Lee on his t-shirt.

Sort of contradictory. I thought that was his merchandise. Follow Fang Chao on Twitter. He's the only guy with the name Fang Chao 8080. If you're wondering who that was all this time, that's that guy. This is fun, Tony.

When do we start? Do you remember something that you guys did when you very first started comedy that you can't believe that you did? Yeah, I spoke in an extremely thick Chinese accent. I'm glad I dropped that. You know, I did speak in a very heavy New Jersey accent when I

first started doing stand-up in New York, and it stuck out. So you work through it. I mean, it's endearing at first, but everybody sort of loses it after a while. I did too, actually. Not a New Jersey accent, but I had when I was, when I, growing up, I was like super into hip-hop, sort of Oakland, thought I was black style.

And that went away as I got older, and then I started comedy, and it came back when I first got on stage. It was like some kind of weird, sort of defensive wall that I was building between me and the audience, and then eventually when I got comfortable doing comedy, that went away again, which is good because it doesn't match my current look.

Does it ever come out, like when you guys are drinking or having sex? It comes out when I'm fucking, yeah, for sure. I'll be like, take that big black dick, and nobody knows what I'm talking about. I have another friend who's white that sounds blacker than he sounds black on stage. It's Willie.

Oh, no. Oh, wow. Come on. The whitest black guy in the world. And if you don't believe me, look how deeply that shirt is tucked into his pants. I think tux are coming back, man. We know this guy that I just pulled out of the bucket. The last couple times he's been on the show, he's been so stoned, like to the gills,

that a lot of it hasn't even been, fang chao couldn't translate what was going on but here he is ladies and gentlemen it's ian ellis everybody from chicago hello the transformer is blackish I was on YouTube today I wanted to know why countries hate us Seemed like a conversation Surrey wasn't ready to have The number one reason is our decadence

You know who the most decadent people in the world are? Arabs with oil money Jay-Z wishes he could ball so hard We buy a lot of shit we don't need They buy people Arabs with oil money. Jay-Z wishes he could ball so hard. We buy a lot of shit we don't need. They buy people. This is not working at all. Number two reason because we're a Christian country.

Italy has two popes. There are three popes shy of forming mega-pope. That's how the Inquisition got started. Another reason they hate us for our freedom? We're seventh in freedom. Ireland has more freedom than us. Nobody hates those potato monkeys. Don't try to blow up those porch gingers.

Wow. You need some weed? Man, I got some. Wow. You need some weed, man? I got some. This is you sobered up and it turns out you're just an angry fuck. You just gave him weed for real?

Yeah. What was the first thing that you called a potato monkey? What the fuck? Wow. That was wild, man. Did an Irish guy steal your girlfriend or something?

How much do you have to hate Irish people to get to potato monkeys? Oh, Jesus. You lost me at Harrow. You say Harrow, we say goodbye. You know what I'm saying It was interesting

Your whole act seemed to be I mean just this minute of it Seemed to be based on like facts That were not in any way Public information You know what I mean We are seventh in freedom Arabs by humans

What was the second thing That we're word Christian nation. You said something else, though. We're seven to freedom. They hate us for our decadence. Yeah, I didn't know any of the facts that you were... So that was interesting. I mean, comedy in some ways is about relatability.

How long have you been a black Israelite? How did you find out that we were seventh in freedom? Did you rank that yourself? It's Noam Chomsky, man He looks like he should own some Noam Chomsky books I know who Noam Chomsky is I don't try to incorporate him into my stand-up comedy act, though. You should work on that.

No, Chomsky is some funny, funny shit. Halfway through, you commented how bad you were doing. That's probably not a good idea because then the rest of the set, we were all noticing, really, how bad you were doing. Oh, I remember two popes in Italy.

What? Yeah, he's right. There's two popes. There are? One's still alive who retired. It's ridiculous. Oh, that's who you met? Everything you said made sense on a certain level,

and a lot of it is honestly, some of your jokes were brilliant. The ideas behind them I thought were brilliant, but you have the timing of a suicide bomber. If you slow it down and just sort of relish those ideas a little bit, you'll be lethal. Not just look lethal. You're great. American Gomer Piles.

You got to stop trying, Ian. Stop trying, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, and you don't want to do that tonight. Sounded like gunfire. Whoa, he's ready. Don't do it. All right. I kind of like that you have that stoner laugh but that you cited Noam Chomsky. I think that's kind of, oh, Noam Chomsky.

Yeah, I feel like at some point you got high between your set and right now. That pot is seeping through his hand right now. Yeah, you get the flop sweats plus a butt in your palm and you'll get high as fuck. Fuck yeah.

Ian, what are you doing? What's happening in your life? You moved here from Chicago how long ago? I came out here in August. How's that going for you? I got an apartment on Sunset Strip. It's been great. Apartment on the Sunset Strip?

Yeah. You own Sunset Strip, huh? Yeah. You know, Sunset Strip's one of the best places to buy cattle in Los Angeles. You might want to do a bit about that. And as far as, you know, areas in L.A., it's got, like, the 18th most

freedom. Absolutely. It's, like, really awesome in the freedom category. Oh, the one thing I will say about your, if you're going to do the Irish thing again, which I don't recommend, but if you are going to do it... They actually... You can't get an abortion legally in Ireland, so they're not super free. I would choose another...

Oh, but you have to do all your racist things. Oh, I don't choose the facts. Well, that's not a fact that we're the seventh most free country. It is. You can Google it. You can also Google me getting ass-fucked by Jeff Ross and it's on there. Well, that's a fact. But anyway, no, I'm saying

that's subjective. Which actually happened in Ireland. Yeah, that was a good... That was good. It was the most Jews that had ever been to Ireland, actually. The coolest thing I've got to do here is do a lot of R for Kill Tony. We have episode 100 coming up. Thanks, man. Thanks for promoting the show

that we're already doing. Thank you. They know. Hell yeah. Good job. Way to really save it. Ian, what else is happening in life? You moved here in August. You have an apartment. You have a job? Yeah, I just got a job at the mess hall.

What's that? I'll be doing food prep at a restaurant over in, at I think Los Feliz. You think Los... You don't know the place that hired you? That's... I can't lose this job, Ian. That cooking at mess hall might just be your real calling.

It's a good restaurant. I can vouch for that restaurant. Really? Oh yeah, he said Los Feliz. That's like your fucking for that restaurant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He said Los Feliz. That's like your fucking planet Krypton. Yeah, that's right. No, it's a good restaurant. Congratulations. Thank you, sir.

What's your favorite thing to get there? They have, I don't know. What do you mean? All right. I mean, you sounded like you really liked it. I mean, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I always have like a favorite dish wherever I go. Yeah. And I was going to try to figure out how to make a joke. I was going to hope the potatoes really liked it. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I always have a favorite dish wherever I go. I was going to try to figure out how to make a joke.

I was going to hope the potatoes were in it. Maybe they were made by a potato monkey. I was searching for anything. But instead you said nothing. You could have even just made up a dish and I would have ran with anything. But now it's a whole thing. I'm sorry I did this to you, Tony.

No, it's all good. Ian, good luck, buddy. Rock and roll. There he is. Ian Ellis. He tried to connect from the beginning. He said, Tony. No, it's all good. Ian, good luck, buddy. Rock and roll. There he is. Ian Ellis. He tried to connect from the beginning. He said, hello. That was topical. We had Fang Chao up here. It's all happening. Follow Ian

Ellis at Chicago Open Mic on Twitter. Let's go back to the bucket, everybody. I'm reading some of the live things on the stream. What do they call those? Live comments. Live comments.

Live comments. I just turned into an 80-year-old host. What do they call those? I live on the Sunset Strip. This is another guy that we've seen on the show before. I believe he originally moved here from Montana a while ago. Put your hands together for Tyler Mesnarik, everybody. What's up?

Hey, I was watching a Beyonce music video on TV and my grandfather walked in and just starts staring intently at Beyonce. So then I get up to leave before he can say something racist, you know? And I didn't make it.

Didn't make it. Like, he just grabs me on the shoulder, and he spins me around, and he says, hey, who's that girl? She looks pretty good. You ever notice that, like, 80-year-old men always touch their stomach when they say creepy things? I said, that's Beyonce. He's like, oh, alright. You know, we used to have

magazines of girls like that back in the war. Yeah, the magazines were called tan. You know, cause she's mulatto. Which, you know, as far as the racist things go, like mulatto's not that bad. Like, it doesn't sound as much like a racial slur as, like, a refreshing drink.

Like you get at a Starbucks, you know? Hey, what's up? Can I get a tall mulatto, please? Oh, actually, that's a... Wait a second. Okay, wait. I always love that. I want to hear the end of it, though,

even though the bear came out. All right. It was so close. Actually. Go ahead. Go ahead. Actually, this mulatto is from my grandfather. Can you put a little more cream in it?

He doesn't like it when it's so dark. Okay. I think the bear saved you on that one. It's because he's racist. Did your grandpa really say that? Yeah, he actually really did say that. So what did you really say when he said that? Did you laugh in his face? What happened?

He actually followed me out of the room into another room to finish telling me about that. I just kind of looked at him like, wow, that's crazy. And then I went back to what I was doing. I don't know what you say to an 80-year-old man when he says something like that.

I don't know what he's trying to do. I think he'd say, bust out that dick and let's jerk it together, Grandpa. Yeah. Probably should have said that. You're not Jewish, huh? No. That's how we do it in Jewish families. Where the phrase dirty Jew came from. That's right. Yeah, your grandfather invented the phrase dirty Jew came from. That's right.

Yeah, your grandfather invented the phrase dirty Jew. I like the rubbing the stomach part. I really, I don't know, the mulatto thing. If you could reword it or make it a little bit more happy or something. I just don't see where you're, like, instead of making it, like, I mean, if that's really where you want to go, you could always do that. But I just think there's more to the genuine...

Him actually saying that. I want to know more. What happened then? What did he follow you to tell you about the black magazines? This sounds so entertaining. There's no show where there's just some crazy 80-year-old man that is actually just saying whatever comes to his mind. He lives at my uncle's cabin.

He's, like, retired there. He lives in your uncle's cabin? Yeah. This is the most Montana story of all time. It's, like, weird porn and racism and cabins. But, like, he sits there and he watches, like, Best. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Look at that. Wow. Show the camera. I think I could be on the cover. Willie, how'd you get on the cover of this magazine? All right. Okay. Wow.

I'd kill that magazine. That's a great headshot, Willie. You should use that as your Twitter avatar. Fucking lovely. Wow. So that's the real thing. It was 25 cents. I like the, you know, like the... What is it called? The captions. Fucking lovely. Wow, so that's the real thing. It was 25 cents. I like the, you know, like the, what is it called?

The captions. Headlines. Yeah. What a fool I was. How I was a fool. Love across the color line. Oh, it's not a porn magazine? No, it's, well...

It's a gossip magazine? It's basically like Fifty Shades of Black is what it seems like. It can't be a porn magazine with this person on it. It's right. It's a gossip magazine? It's basically like 50 Shades of Black is what it seems like. It can't be a porn magazine with this person on it. It's a gossip magazine is what it says. That's crazy. Your grandfather was essentially reading

Ebony magazine in 1920. You painted your grandfather to be this racist. He's a fucking progressive. Oh my god. By the looks of this magazine, I'm guessing

your grandpa gets a boner when he sees a bottle of Aunt Jemima. Now that was racist, see? No it's not. That lady looks like Aunt Jemima. I feel like any time you say that it's racist, even if it's actually Aunt Jemima on the magazine.

Fuck yeah. So Tyler. Yeah. What other, is that it as far as crazy stuff your grandpa says? Well, like he reads like Tom Clancy novels and he watches like world's craziest water slides all the time. All the time? All the time. Wow.

Okay. There's something there. I hung out with him because I only see him every once in a while. I hung out with him for like a day and we watched it for like eight hours. And he would just be like,

look at that one. That one's real crazy. Jesus. Does he ever go down water slides? Well, I found out like what it was. It was kind of like

soft core porn a little bit because they only show like really hot girls doing the water slide. So it's a lot of close-ups of like boobs and butts. Do you know what pornography is? He's like,

I'm pretty sure that gossip magazine and that water slide show was porn. Well, it fits in line with what my grandfather thinks pornography is. Right. Wow. Your grandpa watches

hours and hours of girls going down water slides. It was a marathon, so maybe it was just a special occasion. I don't know if he does it all the time. That's amazing. He mostly watches Fox News. Jeff Ross, what do you think about Tyler? I don't know. Brian's pulling up

MyFreeCamps.com. Oh, Jesus, Brian. He's streaming porn for no reason. Willie, what do you think about Tyler? I want to know more about your grandpa, man. This guy sounds like a hoot. That's right. How old is he?

He's like in his 70s. He's like 75 or something. Do you guys ever go out, like picnicking or something? He doesn't drink anymore. He joined the Navy because he got a DUI in 19-whatever. What a patriot. And they basically said

you could either go to war or you could go to jail. Sounds cool, your grandpa. Fuck yeah. I wish he was here instead of you right now. Tyler, we had a Fuck yeah. I wish he was here instead of you right now. Thanks, Jeff. Tyler, we had a blast with you. Thanks, Tyler.

You have the, you know, you have all the comedy flavor of a glass of water, and we really like your style. That's great. Did you get that shirt here or in Montana? Got it here. Really's great. Did you get that shirt here or in Montana? Got it here. Really? Yeah.

Yikes. I love it. Tyler, have a good night. Thank you. Thanks, Tyler. He's on Twitter at Tyler Mez. He's got a lot of pockets on that shirt. None of those pockets containing a better shirt, unfortunately.

Oh, good shirt roast joke that gets nothing in a live room. This is good. I know you guys got distracted by fucking, goddammit, what's that idiot's name about the thrift stores? That this moron looks like? This guy right here that just walked up? Macklemore. Macklemore's here, guys. Guys, give it up for Macklemore.

Mackleless, everybody. Or Chris Elliott. This is an interesting one. This looks like a new name, which is a relief. Put your hands together for Brian Blank. Oh, shit. Here he comes, Brian Blank. This has to be Brian Blank, right?

No. Wow, it's not. You know what that means, Willie Hunter. He just got blacklisted. That's what happens when you miss your spot on a live show. That guy over there makes a bunch of sounds. I pull another name out of the bucket. And that name is Sean Bigley.

Yeah, let's go, Sean. A human being just stood up in the back of the room I believe this has to be Sean Bigley he's making a right turn and he's approaching the stage ladies and gentlemen it's Sean Bigley everybody I have to put my dog down soon I mean I have to kill him

he's really good at laying down his legs don't work put my dog down soon. I mean, I have to kill him. He's really good at laying down. His legs don't work. But the vet keeps giving me weird euphemisms. He's like, it's really good to see you, man. I'm like, I get it. I'm super handsome and fun to be around. But I just wish it was like the old days,

like of mice and men, so I could just take him somewhere really pretty and pat him on the head, shoot him in the head and just make sure the pack of squirrels following us didn't catch up with us and get to exact revenge for the squirrel he loved too much

is it normal to have to hold your breath when you tie your shoes I is that me there you go he did it your breath when you tie your shoes. I, uh... Is that me? There you go. He did it. A lot of heavy breathing during that set.

It was a long walk from the back of the belly room, huh? That 25-foot walk gets that heart pumping, huh? I like your style. You do not fit in the clothes that you're wearing. Do you know that? It's new. Did you just gain 40 fit in the clothes that you're wearing. Do you know that? It's new. Did you just gain 40 pounds in the past week and you just haven't gone shopping yet?

Wait, did you say it's new? Yeah, I just gained a lot of weight. Oh, the weight is new. Because there's no excuse for that sweatshirt being new. I just don't want to buy new clothes while I'm still fat and I think I'm going to get skinny again. No, it's fat Kevin Christie, ladies and gentlemen. It's Kevin Crispy.

Oh, shit. So, Brian, what's happening? Where are you from? Sean. Oh, yeah, that's right. Brian didn't show up. Sean, where are you from? I'm from Philadelphia.

I moved here about two years ago. Two years ago. Yeah, San Pedro. How long have you been talking about killing animals? He got sick about six months ago. Oh, that was a real story? Yeah, he's got arthritis in his back leg, so he can't stand up much anymore,

so I got to do first gear and get him up, and then he can walk around. Yeah, sorry, guys. When your dog dies, how are you going to eat him? Lean, guys. When your dog dies, how are you going to eat him? Lean, yeah. No carbs. So was the tying your shoe joke, was that like a tested joke that you knew would work?

I have no tested jokes, no. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow, look at that. Incredible, incredible. It's been a few weeks. That's one of my favorite things is when it gets sprung on you.

That's my favorite thing. That's so cool. Is this your first time on stage ever? Yeah, dude. Wow. Well, first bit of advice, don't call Jeff dude. It's overly familiar.

But I would start, one bit of advice would be to start with the short joke at the beginning. So do the, it's like an establishing joke to like, here's who I am. And no offense on the fat jokes or whatever. But like you could say, you know, you say like, it's like you acknowledge it. Okay, I know what you're thinking or whatever. But don't ever say that.

But you know what I mean? That little joke up front about tying your shoes, then they go, oh, he's that guy. And then you can go into your weird story about murdering animals. Did you ever see Mice and Men? Yeah. He takes them out really gently on a nice day, and he doesn't know it's coming. Yeah, we all know what happens in that book.

So, Sean, how long have you wanted to do stand-up? What's the deal? Did you know what you were walking into tonight? Yeah, yeah, I knew what I was walking into. What do you mean? I don't know. It's a pretty gentle way, it seems like, to get into it. Gentle?

I don't know. People are mean. Lately, you guys have been super nice. Lately. Lately. I like that you seem like you knew your material, especially for your first time that joke I kind of got lost

about the vet saying that he missed you or whatever the fuck that was I didn't really get that part at all I think the whole idea of just killing your animal is pretty dark especially since it's a real story so I don't know really where you're going with that I might stick with that one funny joke

that you're supposed to open with. Do a lot more of that kind of stuff because unless you can find something funny about killing your dog and mice and men, that's a little dated. That's dated. I think that you could get away. I think there was a funny

joke in that story which is that you say, I have to put my dog down. I think what you were trying to say is I have to put my dog down. I'm sorry. That's not what I meant. I meant I have to kill him. Yeah, it was like the euphemism. Right. You mumbled right over that, and so you're talking about murdering a dog, and so you're going to want to stick that punchline.

It's probably not going to work anyway. You know what I mean? Totally do. I mumbled. Yeah, and especially when it comes to murdering dogs, they're just like, oh, this guy's going to kill his dog? What do you do for work? I'm an attorney. Oh, you are awesome. I have a new bit of advice.

Stick to your day job? Just don't bother. This is not, you don't want this. Do you actually get work? Are you some kind of paralegal or something? Yeah, I'm actually a huge fan of Jeff Ross. I represent him. Oh Oh, well then you're definitely an attorney.

Everybody knows that every attorney loves Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross and Greg Gerard. Are you a real attorney? Yeah, I'm a Jeff Ross fan. Of course. Are you kidding? No, I represent military veterans in eviction lawsuits. Whoa.

I meet a lot of cool dudes. It's fun. You're awesome. You're awesome. Sir Human Motion Cashier, thank you. You're great. I mean, yeah. I like this guy. I do, too.

I think he's the best guy we've ever had. Thank you, Brian. I don't know if I believe him. This sounds like every shady attorney ever, right? Just like, oh yeah, I only represent military guys that have been kicked out of their houses and whatnot. What do you really do? Where do you make the fucking big bucks,

dude? Tell us the truth. How do you get those fancy extra small clothes? Where's the money? Let's talk about the fucking money. I make $38,000 a year. Because he works for veterans. He doesn't pay.

It's fun. It's super fun. You're a hero. Why did you choose that sort of law? I want to do military JAG. And so it seemed like a good entree. And it's civil. It's like the civil equivalent of being a public defender. This is so boring. Oh, my God. No, you like a good entree and it's civil. It's like the civil equivalent

of being a public defender. This is so boring. No, you love a good entree, I think is what everybody would... Yeah. I feel like a jerk. I think you should start it. You should try it again. I think you should start with that tie your shoes joke and then maybe work out the real

dark kink because I don't think of mice and men as a dated reference i mean it's that's it's that's the point of of mice and men is it i think you can it's safe to talk about of mice and men on stage i was wrong i was speaking wrong i was i'm sorry you should probably get some laces on your shoes if you do that joke yeah right i didn't think of that until tonight in the car like looking at my shoes well hell yeah Sean yeah go I heard you mention Greg Gerondo real quick he was a lawyer to turn into a comedian

that's pretty cool so you know it could work I don't know yeah he used to go to open mics and he was like two years into law and I'm two years into law he's a lot smarter than me you're going to be able to really connect with those vets that you work with and he was like two years into law and I'm two years into law. He's a lot smarter than me. You're going to be able to really connect with those vets that you work with because if you keep doing stand-up,

you're going to bomb a lot. So prepare for that. By the way, you doing stand-up once, even if you just never do it again, you should be proud of yourself for even trying it. You definitely dressed for a podcast. So that's good but it's actually

there's something really interesting about you which is that you're this like hipster looking dude that is a military attorney I think that's really to me that's very intriguing and I would like to hear if you're going to do stand up again I want to hear you talk about that like how do they treat you when you walk in the door like you're obviously There's something intriguing

and interesting about you. They're not usually this small. It happened this morning. No, I'm not talking about... It happened this morning? You ate a 70-pound sub or something for breakfast? What happened? What are we talking about here? Do you sneeze?

What happened? No, you're right. I meet weird, cool people. if you get a boner do you sneeze like what happens no you're right though I meet weird cool people every day so it's neat yeah well that is so

fucking awesome congratulations on having your first time on stage here with us thanks a lot Sean Bigley everybody

you saw it here there you go. Getting the handshake from I don't think he's going to bomb. I think he's going to murder. Oh, I see what you did there. Sean Bigley is at SF Bigley. SF Bigley

on Twitter. Go root on the newest comedian in the world. Because he just started seven minutes ago. Let's get another one up here, everybody. Maybe it'll be somebody else's. I like this part of the show because this is when I can eat. The in-between part right here.

This guy's eating a pretzel. It made me hungry. You have 60 seconds to eat. You ready? No, not during the part when they do their jokes, but I mean when you pull the hat. Oh, yeah. Alright. Here we go. The next person coming up goes by the name of Faith

Choice. Here she comes. It's Faith Choice, ladies and gentlemen. It's Faith Choice, ladies and gentlemen. So sometimes I want to have kids, but most of the time I don't. Because I don't want to ruin my vagina for anybody.

You know, like, I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but I'm not even too comfortable with the fact that I have a vagina. Does not mean I don't want an immense condition. You don't want to die with the bubble wrap on. Like when I'm dying I want death to be like, ooh bubble wrap, pop pop pop pop pop pop. I don't think real women necessarily have to have curves.

I do think that they should have eyebrows. That's what I think. I think if I see you on Tinder and it looks like you fell face first onto a dull pencil, you're not getting yes-swiped. I don't care how many puppies you're holding. Fuck yeah. Faith's choice. She knew her time exactly, didn't you?

Excellent. Yeah. How long have you been doing comedy? Let me guess. Longer than I like to admit. Off and on for maybe like six, seven years. All right, I got a different feedback set. I just started.

Changes everything, right? It does. I like the second joke a lot, the part about you not being comfortable having a vagina. I thought that was really funny. That was really cool. Thanks. Yeah.

I just want to say, Moses, you're so much funnier here than in the real world. I didn't get the bubble wrap thing at all. Oh, yeah. I shouldn't have told it because it's really... What do you mean? You want to preserve your vagina? It's like right out of the box.

Kind of, yeah. Fresh out of the box. Yeah. Okay. It reminded me of some kind of weird STD situation. I've been through that a lot, so that might be my baggage. Oh, you thought of it like razor bumps. Or I don't know what. I just heard pop, pop, pop.

At first I thought two live crew. I don't know. You're blacker than I am. Thank you so much for saying that. I really appreciate that a lot. You made my night. You're the best comic here. Where are you from, Faith?

LA. LA. Yeah, Long Beach. Heck yeah. Some great material. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. I, Long Beach. Heck yeah. Some great material. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. I'm stupid nervous. Why have you been so on and off for six or seven

years? Just working. I refuse to have seven roommates. I spend way too much money on rent. I like to keep jobs. What do you do for work? I do a lot of sales. I do a lot of sales.

I do a lot of customer service. What were you selling? I've sold a lot of bullshit. I sold car warranties for a long time. Wow. Like on the phone. Yeah. I sell a lot of stuff on the phone because I don't like dressing like a grown-up for work.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. So you're just committed to that, just working over the phone. Yeah, not getting dressed, being able to cuss at people. It's fun to get paid for that. Are you ticklish? I'm actually not.

I gotta say, though, I like the idea that the second joke was my favorite, and the idea... I hope this isn't an offensive question, but you're not trans, right? You don't consider yourself that. I'm just queerish. Yeah, so I like that. That's what I felt from that joke. And I think that's a cool, because I know there's trans comedians and there's obviously a lot of non-trans comedians.

So the idea of somebody that's just sort of blasé about gender is something I feel like I've never seen anybody really talking about on stage. Who isn't like a politico talking about trans stuff. It's just like, I don't care about my gender. I don't relate to gender. I think that's a cool area for comedy. Yeah, I totally agree. And I think that

in almost any set, people are going to want to hear something about that from you. You know what I mean? Some good acknowledgement to that. And I think that even in one minute, just the one joke about I might not be comfortable having a vagina, I still don't think it's enough. You know what I mean?

Right. I want to know more. Somebody that's just ambivalent about gender is really an intriguing idea. I want to know more about that. Okay. If you don't mind talking about it, what are you and what's your thing? I mean, if I have to write it out, someone asked me, I'm like gay, pretty gay. I don't know. I don't know

I don't like calling myself a lesbian oh now I get it it's not Moses my glasses are in the shot I think that is so cool because there's so much polarized politics over gender and queer stuff that somebody that, like what you're talking about, not really

caring about it, but being in the spectrum or whatever, I think is such a weird, cool idea. You know what I mean? Absolutely. That laugh that you heard when you said pretty gay is because that's the sound of all that tension being released from everybody's, you know,

preset, what they're curious about. Tension being released like a popped air bubble on a pussy. Oh, okay. If you will. So what else? What else? I really like your stage presence. You have a really mellow vibe

and you had really good jokes to back it up do you get up on stage every week how long of a set would you say in 6-7 years are you comfortable with doing it depends where I'm at really I don't know I could do like 30-40 minutes oh really

yeah I was terrified of you I don't know. I could do like 30, 40 minutes. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I felt a little... I was terrified of you guys. You guys seem really shy. I mean, like, little eye contact. Are you a shy person in general? I'm kind of... I don't know.

If you don't know me, then you might call me aloof. Like, if you see me out and about, but... I don't know. I don't like most people. But, I mean, people grow on me, and I grow on people, so... Fuck yeah. I'm terrible at interviews.

I'm just... You're terrible at interviews? I'm terrible at interviews I'm just You're terrible at interviews? I'm terrible at talking about myself When I'm just not When I'm not just telling jokes Like when people are asking me real questions About my life I'm bad at that I think you're super cool

You're like Wanda Sykes on Sudafed And I love that Faith Choice everybody Good job to Sykes on Sudafed, and I love that. Faith Choice, everybody. She's on Twitter at Team Sexy Dork. Faith Choice. At Team Sexy Dork. That's fun. Back to the bucket we go.

This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Elon Woods. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Elon Woods. Yeah. Wow, from deep in the back. This is the Price is Right entrance right here. Camera wasn't even on it.

Here he comes, everybody. Elon Woods. Yeah. Good luck, bud. Start now. Ten seconds, go. Ten seconds, okay. I suffer from dyslexia,

so when I masturbate, I actually turn my hand over like that apparently healthcare is illegal I didn't get healthcare this year because I don't have a job I live in my friend's fucking dining room I want to see the government try and stop me from fucking sneaking butterfingers into my bedroom

because I've been doing that for 27 fucking years. My mom hasn't seen a goddamn thing. So they can't make me be healthy. Apparently Hemingway claimed there was a limitation to how many times you could ejaculate. So I started a bucket list for my penis. Katy Perry's on the top of that list. There's nothing worse than being homeless in this world. I can tell you this because

I have been homeless. This is a true fucking story. It sucks. And I will stop that story. You want to finish that one? Yeah. I want to see if this is the one that wins everybody over. Basically, I was

homeless and I was contemplating robbing a bank. Basically, I was homeless and I was contemplating robbing a bank. Basically, I decided that if I was in prison, I would at least have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and every now and then someone would fuck me. But when you're homeless, no one will fuck you except for life. And you will get tired of that giant fat dick

in your ass. There you go. You can really connect with that crowded homeless shelter sometime with that joke. I had some other jokes I couldn't get to and I was really nervous over there. I bet that's what happens when you only have 60 seconds to do jokes. I like that you

have a mechanical pencil behind your ear. No, it was dope. No, don't do that. Please keep everything on. We want you as covered as we can be. Settle down, Elon. Bring the energy down a bit. I know your blood pressure is thumping right now. Just breathe in through the

nose, out through the mouth. Everything's going to be okay. Yes, Brian. His belt is undone. No, it's not. It's just like this cool thing that he's got going on. What is it? I like how you just sauntered up here. You know what I mean? Like you've been doing comedy for 40 years. Everybody here was fucking lucky to be seeing you.

And you look over at Tony like, should I start now, bitch? And then you just started like, alright, I'll start now, motherfucker. And then you just had nothing to say. I thought that was cool, honestly. I have something to say about you and your name. Oh yeah, what about my name?

My dad's best friend is Moshe. They're not friends anymore, but he's still my friend. You're a Jew? I'm a Jew. My name's Elon. A homeless Jew? Holy fuck! I know! Where's the fucking 800 now? It's called a wandering Jew. That last joke, though,

right? Did you like it? I thought the last joke Was good The homeless joke Yeah It's not political If it's true It's not political at all

I bet Oh sorry Talking to this I was talking to them You're like Jonah You're like Jonah Hill If he didn't have a funny Bone in his body

Yeah I've heard that Actually Thank you I never saw anybody Do stand up Like they're double parked a funny bone in his body. I've heard that, actually. Thank you. I never saw anybody do stand-up like they're double-parked. You looked at your notes five times in 60 seconds.

So the first time I did stand-up, it was at McCabe's in Santa Monica. I did really good, actually. People laughed. I was the funniest person there, but they actually shut down the club the next week. Oh, I did really good, actually. People laughed. I was the funniest person there, but they actually shut down the club the next week. Oh, you were that good, huh? True story.

What? Was that on a Tuesday? It was on a Tuesday. And I swear to God, it was on a fucking Tuesday. Got the club going up on a Tuesday. All right. Oh, no. How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my second time on stage. Wow, so you did The Place in Santa Monica and that closed down. And you just had your next spot at the world-famous comedy store. Open since 1972. What if Pauly ran in the back and was like, we're closing The Place down!

Dude, everybody's gotta go. We just got word, right? So I'm sorry, but we have to do it right now. Okay? I don't know, but, like, we gotta get everybody, because they're about to turn it into something else. I have a Pauly Shore joke.

Nobody wants to hear more of your fucking joke. What are you trying to tell us about? It's a great joke. No, it's not. tell us about? It's a great joke. No, it's not. A great joke? It's a great joke. It's a great joke?

Who wrote it? I wrote it. Oh, okay. So let's talk about... Wait, how do you... What do you mean it's a great joke? Because it's true. But wait, the other jokes...

Why didn't you do the great joke? Because those are all serious great jokes. Oh, everything you told tonight was a great joke? They're all great. Do you even remember this great Pauly Shore joke? I do. I remember it very well. It was one of the first jokes I wrote in Hollywood.

He's cocky. I love this. I want to hear the joke. For a guy that writes his jokes on the fortunes inside of cookies, he's one of the best. What's your Pauly Shore joke? Yeah. So I was walking down the Hollywood Boulevard

and I saw Pauly Shore's star on the fucking sidewalk. And it was right where the curb meets the street. And I wonder if the fucking mason worker knew that his career was going to go straight down into the gutter just like his star. Do you hear that silence? Yeah. It was a bad one.

Hold on. I'm trying to look up great here. Do you hear that silence? Yeah. It was a bad one. Hold on. I'm trying to look up great here. Do you know what great clips? That's the place where you can get a good haircut. Great big bear. You have no right to be goofing on Pauly in Pauly's club. No, no, no. I actually love Pauly Shore.

He met me once at Newsroom Cafe. I had long hair like the fat guy from Lost. Oh, wait. This is a great story. This is a true story. This is not a joke. This is a true fucking... If I see Pauly, he'll remember this story.

He called me to his fucking table and asked me how I was doing. Right, because he thought you were somebody else. Exactly. He thought you were Sandy. The only thing great about you is your size. That is true. That is very true, Jeff. No, you're adorable.

Thank you, you're adorable too. Good luck with your third time on stage. Take your jacket off next time. Memorize your shit. Maybe you'll do better. And put your belt on. Your belt is literally off. Do you know that?

Just hang it off in two sides. Why is your... I just took a piss before I came up here. What? Hey, can that Veterans Affairs lawyer come back and help this guy? Oh, Jesus. Don't ever do that again either. Where are you from originally?

I am originally from Miami, Florida. How long have you been in L.A.? I've been back and forth a lot. 87 pounds. Seven. I've been here back and forth since I was like 15 my brother's on a restaurant chain out here

called The Carving Board and so I've been back and forth working for them and shit and I'm guessing food taster yeah wait I have some real advice for you

please I would just take the the ego down like all of it sorry no it's okay i mean i don't care it doesn't bother me i hear you but you're not there yet you've been doing comedy you don't do comedy you've never done comedy uh i mean never and so i would just say start be humble and start and just tell your jokes you know the swagger i like i thought was charming on the way but then when you did the thing where you were like, this is a great joke, I was just like, oh, okay.

You've got a defense thing you're doing. I completely agree with Moshe. Less ego and less egos. You've got to eat healthier. Some vegetables in that diet. Less maple syrup. I'm going to take that to heart. Literally to my heart.

I believe it. Fuck yeah. Elon Woods, everybody. There he goes. He's not on Twitter. There he goes. He's not on Twitter. There he goes. He's not on Twitter. It's the only thing I like about him.

Can't afford Twitter. Close your belt, Elon. You're a very scary individual. You've got a great joke. There he goes. He's not on Twitter, by the way. So if you're looking for Elon, you're just going to have to find him on your local pedophile database. All right, I don't know.

This looks like a new name for sure. Put your hands together for Christina Marie Leonard. Hey, guys. Hey guys, so I've always had a lot of guy friends and lately I'm trying to make more girlfriends in my life and what I've realized is why I don't have a lot of girlfriends because I'm sure both genders know that we just talk a lot and we talk about the worst things ever like how to lose weight, diet plans you know like paleo juicing

can we just go back to losing weight in the traditional ways like the flu no I'm serious cause we've all, the flu's been going around and I had the flu recently and you guys you have gotta try

this shit like you lose gobs of weight, you lie in bed all day and you don, you have got to try this shit. Like you lose gobs of weight, you lie in bed all day, and you don't have to shower. Mostly because you're afraid that you're going to shit in the shower. Or the bed. You're basically just sitting on the toilet shitting all day. And then you think to yourself, wow, I really should have tried that juice cleanse.

But to any of those of you out there, I'm sure it's California. Have you guys tried a juice cleanse? Yeah? So then you know that you're still shitting all day. All right, thank you guys. Fuck yeah. Christina Marie Leonard. Where are you from, Christina?

Microphone. Fuck yeah. Hi. I'm from Omaha, Nebraska originally. Yeah. Wow. You're wider than Willie. Wow. Hi. I'm from Omaha, Nebraska originally. Aw. Yeah. Wow. You're wider than Willie. Wow. Yeah.

You're super, super, super new on stage, right? Yeah, well, I... Theater background. Yes. Big time. I could tell by the way that you just took the mic out of the mic stand and said yeah after you realized that you had to talk into the mic. It was a theater way that you did it.

Yeah. And then I trapped myself with a cord, too. Yeah. Like, I once ended up on the rafters during Oklahoma. Like, I got stuck as the curtain was coming up. Wow. Yeah. I bet Oklahoma goes over huge in Nebraska, huh?

Except for when it's football. How long have you been on stand-up? About, like, a year and a half. But I've really been focused on it for, like, the past six months. it's football. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half, but I've really been focused on it for the past six months. That's cool. Is that all here in LA? Mm-hmm.

A year and a half in LA? Yeah. How are you enjoying that? Yeah, I really like it. At first, I was like, oh, I'll try this, and now I've fallen in love with it. Ooh la la.

Yeah. Are you ticklish? Terribly. I knew it. Don't la. Yeah. Are you ticklish? Terribly. I know. Don't ever. I have elbows, so if you tickle me, I'll kill you.

Yeah. Wow. Not on purpose. I'm going to tickle the fuck out of you. Jesus Christ, Brian. There you go. Every episode,

there's a part. Yeah. Coming up here, Ilan Wooding all over the stage. Oh my god. Well, you did a couple things. If I just give you some real feedback.

A couple things that I just, like, are little pet peeves. You ask the audience a question, and then you wait. You were like, you needed them to answer you before you continued. What good is them going, yes, I've been on a juice cleanse. You're like, finally, i can tell the rest of my joke just fucking tell the joke you know what i mean i hate those rhetorical questions i hate but also waiting for the answer it's like

i don't get that i did that for a long time way longer than i should have i used to always think and like even when you know my first year or two when a couple good to great comedians told me like, you know, you don't need to ask questions. Even I was like, I don't know. I think it's part of my thing. You know what I mean?

I just try to fucking rationalize that never ends with that until you just realize that mathematically just plow ahead and everybody will go on the trip with you. Right. There's nothing ever funny in the question, right? I've never seen the question being the funny part. And it never changes compared to the answer.

You're going to say what you were going to say next anyway. The question thing is sort of new, so I'm happy to kill that bit. But that goes for everything. You'll notice with other things. You guys know about this? Either they do or they don't, so you might as well just move forward. The other thing I would say is you could have cut the entire first 30 seconds of your act where you were talking about the girlfriend.

There was nothing there. You were just trying to get to the flu. So why not just start with, how come everybody's dieting? How come we don't just, what about the old way, the flu? And then now I see the diarrhea dribbling down your leg, and I like it. You know what I mean? Now I'm on board comedically. I see you in the shower.

It's a brown shower. I'm in. Thank you. You're welcome. What do you like about L.A. that wasn't in Nebraska? Everything. Yeah. I tried to escape several times.

Like, I dropped out of college the first weekend of my senior year, and then I was broke, so I was like, well, I might as well finish. But the billboards, there's entertainment here, not just a CVS. And is stand-up your overall goal, or are you still doing a lot of acting and stuff? Both now, yeah. That's fun. I have a web series.

I'm just trying to comedic act. You sing, too. You sing, too. You sing, too. I do sing a little bit. Yeah. Alto, obviously. By the way, you took the mic out of the stand

like you were about to bring the house down. Are you going to sing for us tonight? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. All right. If you want me to sing, I'm not, like, a singer, but I'll sing for you. I'll do a little Chicago. Is that okay? I don't want to pull your leg or anything. Jeez.

Yeah. I'm not a singer, but I'll sing Chicago. Come on, babe. Why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz. I'm going to rouge my knees and pull my stockings down. And all that jazz. I'm gonna rouge my knees and pull my stockings down. And all that jazz. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, that was great. You're right. You're definitely not a singer. I warned you. You're so ballsy and thank you and thanks for being part of the show tonight. Christina Marie Leonard, everybody. Thank you guys. Thanks for putting up with my singing. Alright, this is the part of the show tonight. Christina Marie Leonard, everybody. Thanks for putting up with my singing. All right.

This is the part of the show where every single week since its inception, we've had two comedians come up, and they write and perform a brand new minute each week. These do not come out of the bucket. They are already, you know, they do the same spot each week, so they're always preparing a new minute once a week, which is pretty crazy. And this week's no different. Going up first tonight,

Florida Dropout. She had her very first time on stage in this room, Anna Kiltoni, just like you saw motherfucking Sean Bigley do tonight, and she's been doing it every single week since

with a new minute tonight. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon everybody. Thanks so much. Yeah it's not really, it's really hard being a college dropout and a struggling artist because every time I get a phone call from an unknown number I don't know if it's a callback or a bill collector I never know if I should answer

I wish that any of my relationships were as committed as Sally Mae is that bitch is persistent she calls every morning I feel like she's checking on me too throughout the day and she even gets sneaky when I don't answer they start changing the area code to where you're from so you answer unexpectedly and you're like

damn let me live like I shouldn't have to be scared of answering my phone all the time that's it fuck yeah 50 seconds I don't really know that Sally May thing what is that well it's just like student loans

oh I had no idea what that was do you guys know what Sally May is yeah I had a little idea for a joke in there they change it to your home area code. It'd be fun. Maybe it's like your dad, you know?

You're like, dad? Yeah, yeah. Right? As opposed to just something. You're like, dad? You know, like you've never met your dad. And you're like, no, it's Sally Mae calling. That's funny because I don't know my dad.

Oh, that is funny that you don't know your dad. I found that hilarious. Hilarious. Hilarious. Boom. There you go. Wow. That's how it happens.

You're blacker than Willie. Oh, no! I am the blackest person in this room. All right? I love this runner we have on Willie right now. Who, by the way, is not a runner, which is one of the things that's not black about him. Willie is from Alabama.

Willie's a perfect combination of a beautiful blonde Alabama country girl and Bill Cosby doing a one-nighter. Fuck yeah. In 1985, I'm guessing.

Young Cosby. Raise the roofie, buddy. Raise the roofie, buddy. Raise the roofie. Kim. Willie. Willie. I'll never... The first time I met your mama. It was at the Knights of Pythias Hall.

Sold out show. She was in charge of my fruit platter. She wanted some career advice. All right. We were just going to let you go for as long as you would have gone for. No! All right. We were just going to let you go for as long as you would have gone for. Now, Camille and I are very disappointed that you've turned out as the Iron Patriot. Kim.

What's your advice for Kim Del Cosby I'd like to see you in my dressing room after the show I got some decaffeinated coffee the decaffeinated part is the creepiest part I don't know why but it is why is the coffee making her sleepy? I put the roof in the pudding.

You do a great costume. Oh, thanks. Actually, Jeff, I think that is the proof to anybody that is new that wants to do impressions. I always think that an accurate impression is less funny than a funny impression. It's not about accuracy. Accuracy is like, wow, you're a talented juggler. Who made you the comedy expert? Isn't that what we're doing here?

I've been doing comedy since the Jim Crow laws. Was in full effect. Oh, I love it. I love it. Kim, how's comedy been going for you? You do spots everywhere else. You started here. Everybody gets to watch your progress every week.

Yeah, it's been going good. I was in Pasadena last week. Me and Wine Shank are going to San Diego, and we're doing Brea pretty soon. How fun. And I'm doing the roast battle tomorrow. Oh, yeah, that's right. Many have called her the Ronda Rousey of roast battle.

They do. You are undefeated, correct? Yeah. 4-0? 3-0. Wow. 4-0 tomorrow. Whoa.

Look at that. Elon Wood. Where does she get that confidence from? Ladies and gentlemen, there she was again. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. So follow her and be a fan. Put your hands together for your final regular of the night.

She also writes and performs a new minute every single week, the goofy fun stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. Sarah Weinshank. What's up? Deli meat? It's a weird one. It's like, how do you know how much to order? Whenever I go to the deli counter

and they ask me how much, I just say an eighth. Yeah, can I get an eighth of that boar's head? Yeah, can I get an eighth of that boar's head? Salsalito turkey. Thanks. And it's the only place where you get a ticket, but the counter behind the deli doesn't match where you are on your ticket. It's like, I'm number 76, the counter says says 4 and there's only one other person here what the fuck is going on I don't know

you want to finish it nah I'm good ok perfect fuck yeah I love that maybe one of your best sets you've ever had that's a great joke. Really funny. You should have chopped it off, though, right at the end of that eighth. You don't need to do that other thing.

The other part takes away from it. Or you could tag it with something else. But either way, you know what I mean? Like, an eighth is, I think it paints a great picture of exactly how much deli meat you're getting. You know, if you're throwing a party, you ask maybe for a half ounce or, you know, an ounce of... A half ounce, yeah. Yeah, or if you just want a sample, you just want a taste. You know, you just need a sweet taste.

Yeah. Get a sweet taste of that roast beef. Is this podcast just grooming people for sexual assault for you? Brian is... Not with this one. Why do you need to... Bring the... I thought we were friends.

Sarah. Yes. What the hell were we talking about lunch meat that's right fuck lunch meat how have spots

other places been going for you good they've been good I don't know was that vague I mean they've been good

yeah okay I'm excited about it alright cool the ice house was good for me yeah I heard she

destroyed I didn't get to see it, but Kim said you just fucking slaughtered. Yeah, I did. Thanks, Kim. Wow. Kim did great, too. We did well at the Ice House. You guys have a hell of a work ethic.

It's pretty crazy. Most comedians don't attempt to write a new minute each week. It's been paying off. Yeah, I bet. You can see from the last time I was here, actually you and Kim, your confidence level for both of you to close up a show like this

is way improved since the last time I was a guest. So congratulations. You can see the hard work paying off. Absolutely, I agree. Yeah. Super cool. Super fun. That joke's just great.

I mean, that eighth joke is so much information, too. I like that joke where there's backstory that is never told, you know? Like, you're high at the deli. Like, you don't have to say that, but we all see you with your half-shut eyes buying the deli. And, you know, maybe you could even stretch out the end of that ticket joke longer too maybe there's more to that like where are these 71

people in between the ticket and the ticket that you have maybe they're in the back lot smoking some of that ham or something like that that corned beef hash yeah corned beef hash that's great maybe just a dab of the corned beef hash yeah corned beef hash that's great yeah maybe just a dab of the corned beef hash

yeah well Sarah Weinshank so much fun another great new minute from Sarah Weinshank she's on Twitter at Princess Shank follow her

and Kimberly Congdon the two regulars of Kill Tony crushing lately so much fun guys that's episode 94 of Kill Tony it just happened

right in front of you. A little painless needle. You didn't even feel a sting. It happened so quickly. Thanks for the food from the lovely Elise Lane. She's great. She's at the girl with the pan on Instagram and Facebook. She's at Elise Lane on Twitter.

Willie Hunter is Willie Hunter. At Will Hunter Show on Twitter. He's the best. What's coming up, Willie? Promote your new podcast. So Willie talks this Wednesday. We're going to have Sovereign Sire. Porn star, yeah.

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. I'll be there for that one. Thank you for listening to the live stream here tonight. And yeah. Yeah. Hey, I'll be in Salt Lake City this very weekend. So come see me at Wise Guys. Salt Lake City. Yeah. Hey, I'll be in Salt Lake City this very

weekend, so come see me at Wise Guys. Salt Lake City. It's Moshe. Moshe Kesher. Follow him on Twitter. Catch all of his dates on his website. Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General, has the roast of Justin Bieber coming up! Two weeks. There will be blood. Hell yeah.

It's an honor of Justin. It's an honor being held in honor of Justin getting his period. How about a hand for your host Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody? Thanks, Jeff, for the great Brian Redban. He's on technical and sexual harassment.

Thank you to you, the live audience. Have a great night, everybody. Kill Tony 94.