KILL TONY - KILL TONY #95

Episode Date: April 15, 2015

Sam Tripoli, Joe DeRosa, Joshua Meyrowitz, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 03/02/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBand and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Now I know Death Squad has been a little weird lately and all the videos are, you know, slow to come out and stuff. I'm trying to catch up. You know, we've been doing Kill Tony for almost two years now, every single Monday. So when you have a show that you have to do every Monday that has to be edited, the video has to be edited, the audio has to be edited, it's going to start getting backed up. And it did. So, what I'm doing now is just catching up on all the audio, and then I will go back and add all the videos.

Now, if you don't want to wait, you can always go to the Ustream page, which is ustream.tv slash DeathSquad, and like the last nine episodes or so of Kill Tony from the live stream are already available. So you can see the new Kill Tony 100, episode 99, 98, whatever. So please be patient with Death Squad. I'm trying to figure all this shit out and we'll get it back on its feet. I have a big announcement to make very soon about a new podcast on Death Squad, which is going to be huge. So keep an ear out

for that one. Also, Death Squad Vancouver 420. That's next Monday. The big marijuana day in Vancouver where they have this huge marijuana festival. This is our second year in a row. We are going to be at the Harbor Events Center. So once you're smoked your ass apart, uh, come check us out. We have a show,

uh, there, and it's me and Tony Hinchcliffe and tickets are going fast. Last year we sold out. So get your tickets now, uh, four 20 Vancouver at the Harbor event center. Also may 12th, me and Tony will be in San Francisco at the Punchline. And then the following day, we'll be in Sacramento at the Punchline. Both of those shows are almost sold out, and they're available right now. May 12th and May 13th. Also, don't forget that the Death Squad secret show every month at the comedy store you know last week or last uh one we had so many people we had dane cook louis ck tom segura christina

pashitsky steve agey dean delray uh we had so many people on the show it was ridiculous uh so don't miss this one a lot of people were pissed off that they didn't go to the last one. Don't miss this one. I already have some people booked that are awesome. So check it out. Tickets are available right now at thecomedystore.com. All right, guys. Don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com,

for all his other tour dates and merch. TonyHinchcuff.com for all his other tour dates and merch. And don't forget to check out my big announcement by going to my Twitter page and clicking on farts. Just kidding. I don't know what the fuck. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2.

Give it up for Tony Hedgman! Fuck yeah! Hello, live audience. This is it. We're here. We're here again. The craziest thing you could possibly do on a Monday is come to Kill Tony.

Put your hands together for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. We are live right now via Ustream to the hundreds and hundreds around the world. And thank you live audience for being here. Welcome, everybody. Episode 95,

believe it or not, of Kill Tony. We are very close to episode 100, Brian. That's right. April 13th, I believe it is, in the main room instead of this room. We are plowing it together, 400 people in that room on a Monday night just like this. That's April 13th, episode 100 of Kill Tony. I don't want to give any secrets away, but Bruce Buffer is going to be there, everybody. Yeah, the 100 of Kill Tony. I don't want to give any secrets away, but Bruce Buffer is going to be there, everybody.

Yeah, the voice of the UFC. I'm not going to tell you what part in that show he's going to have, the guy who announces people's names for the UFC. I don't want to give anything away, but Bruce Buffer will not only be in attendance, but he will be part of that show. That's episode 100 of Kill Tony. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, live streaming pre-show guru. So we're doing it that way from now on, Pat, where you just play that part, right? Okay,

just making sure we're on the same page, just making sure you're just watching the show like a diehard fan right now and not ready for me to call you back up here. Pat Reagan one more time, everybody. Our chef is our only sponsor. She cooks us a meal every Monday that's always delicious. She just got hired as Russell Peters' personal chef, comedian, millionaire, extraordinaire Russell Peters. And there she is right there.

It's Elise Lane, everybody. Wow. Tonight she made us seared salmon with sautéed zucchini, squash and eggplant, pine nuts and herbs. And it's going to be delicious. So for all of you that didn't eat before listening to this podcast or watching it,

go fuck yourself. I want to give a special shout out to my man Frank who made it all the way here from Buffalo, New York. He's in the middle of the room. Guys, he gave me the WrestleMania anthology. No big deal. Oh, yeah.

Just showing his appreciation for a free podcast that's streaming around the world. He knows I love professional wrestling, specifically older professional wrestling, and now I have all the years between 89 and 94, the years that I love the most, Brian Redband. It's like he knows me. My virginity was lost

on disc number one. Really? Actually, disc number two. No, number three. 1987. 1987. Wow, I was three. And I'm so happy about that. Oh, another thing which reminds me.

Guys, tonight, guess who's on Carson Daily? It's me, everybody. I'm on Carson Daily tonight. So for those of you watching the live stream right now, why not grab your remote control and set your DVR so that you can see me on Last Call with Carson Daily. You could set your DVR because I don't expect you to stay awake until 345 in the morning, which is when I will be on NBC. But it's just me on NBC for those few minutes. Is this where they

record you and then they have a cut in with you reflecting about life? Yeah. Where did you do that? At the Ice House? The show was at the Ice House. The home of many Death Squad great shows, one of my favorite clubs out in Pasadena. That's cool. But I give a shout-out to the Comedy Store in it and Youngstown, Ohio, and most importantly,

the words Kill Tony will be heard on NBC tonight, everybody. The show you're at. You realize how cool you motherfuckers are? You're at that show. All right, let's get this thing going. Every week we have a head of security who comes out and keeps us safe. It's always somebody different because the original guy who did it the first 30 some episodes told us that he was irreplaceable and that if we didn't figure something big out for him, he was going to leave the show. And he did. He fucking did. But to show him

how replaceable he is, we've replaced him with literally a different Iron Patriot each week. This week's no different. Put your hands together for a repeat Patriot. This, full-blown autism. I mean, he really has autism. That's not a joke, but he owns it. He is Autistic Thunder, the Autistic Patriot. Fuck yes. One of our favorite patriots. This is about the fourth or fifth time he's been keeping us safe. What's the exact number? I'm sure you know.

Seventh. Wow. Talk right into the side of that microphone. You hear it? There it is. Josh Meyerowitz, everybody. Thank you. One of my favorite rising comedians through the ranks. How long have you been doing stand-up now, Josh? I just hit six years.

Six years, this motherfucker. With autism. That autism does not hold you back. Some people say you're the Rain Man of comedy. Is that the right disease? No, right? No, no, that's classic autism. I'm high-functioning. Whoa. Fuck, yeah, I'm high-functioning

too Right now Do you look down On those people I spoke to a joint Before this guys Do you look down On those kind of Autistic people

No In fact I feel less pure Oh Whoa I feel I have a bit I have a bit

Of an inadequacy Compared to I honestly When it comes down to it I tend to not like Other autistic people So Whoa You hate on your own kind, huh? Not necessarily hate, just generally feel inadequate to. Why is that?

Because I feel inadequate to them. Like I said, it feels like the more autistic you are, the smarter you are, the more... But from my experience, autistic girls are easier. Okie dokie. Brian Redman is here live streaming, everybody. Oh, shit. It's all happening. No editing that one out.

Josh, have you ever hooked up with an autistic chick? Almost. First girlfriend. Well, technically first girlfriend. And I was right right No because How far did you get Yes and no

How far did you get with her Dry Alright let's not start with Let's ask Let's have him tell us Brian Hey did you eat her ass With a Whoa

I just said finger You know that's what's next with you You're an animal over here You're like a seared salmon With sauteed zucchini From Elise Lane The girl with the pan She's at Elyse Lane on Twitter everybody

We have our patriot Here he is Autistic Thunder everybody You ready to meet tonight's comedians Josh are you excited for this Well here we go here they are Ladies and gentlemen two more of my funniest friends Put your hands together for Sam Tripoli And Joe DeRosa

Here they are. Monsters. Two of the best. Dom Irera. I want to give a shout out to Dom Irera who got stuck at an airport today. Didn't you get stuck at an airport yesterday? I got an airport yesterday. Fucking US Air. Those bastards. Sam Tripoli, everybody. One of our

favorite guests. Joe DeRosa. This is his first time on the show. One of the funniest guys. Hi, buddy. How are you? Hello. Congrats on Carson Daly, man. That's great. Thank you. No, that's big. I remember when he used to have a show, so that's really great that you got that.

Oh, come on, guys. I'm just kidding. That was the first thing I ever did on TV was Carson Daly. There you go. Yeah, he's a great, he's a really nice guy. Tall. Yeah. Real tall. I wrote for the New Year's Eve special that he hosts, and that was interesting.

That's interesting that you said that was interesting. Let's put it this way. I think you could probably figure it out. I start with the most extreme type of joke, and then I have to dial, I have to rewrite it seven times so that it's possible to be said on NBC.

This is the Hinchcliffe method. This is what it is known as in the writers' rooms around town. Yes. They call it the Hinchcliffe method. It's true. That's only for the few network things that I've done, but mostly the first draft's the one. So what, you just tried to get a couple AIDS

jokes on New Year's Eve? And they were like, oh, baby, that's not our demographic right now. I'm just using my method, that's all. And you pulled it back. You were like, that ball dropped faster than Eazy-E's T-cells. Exactly.

You can't say Eazy-E. And bycells kind of stuff. Exactly. You can't say Eazy-E. And by the way, what ends up happening in the writer's room for that show is you end up writing so many ball-dropping jokes that at the end of it you have to whittle it down to the best ball-dropping joke.

What was the best ball-dropping joke? I knew you were going to fucking say that, but I can't remember for the life of me. But I'm sure it was hilarious. It must have been memorable. Josh, every single week, the Patriot, whoever that Patriot is, asks the guests questions. What do you got for our guests this week? Yes, today my question, starting with Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa, if you don't know, wrote a book with Robert Kelly and Bill Burr called Cheat, A Guide to Infidelity.

Yes. My question is, have you ever cheated on someone and actually said afterwards I shouldn't have done that? Yeah. We each wrote stories about cheating in the book. My story was when I cheated on a girl that kept telling me she wasn't my girlfriend

but I wasn't allowed to fuck other people. Then I cheated on her and then I told her in a diner and she cried. I was like, I know I shouldn't have done it and then she paid for the meal which I felt really bad about so it's a win win I guess so yeah I got out scot free

and I told I remember telling comedian Marina Franklin afterwards that I let her pay for the meal and she goes oh no what the fuck is wrong with you that's just brutal yeah I didn't I was young, man. I was like 27. I didn't know what I was doing.

Oh, that's really young. I don't condone cheating. You probably couldn't even pay the bill. Yeah. I didn't have any money. I come back from featuring at Boca Nuts in Boca Raton, Florida. So I'm not proud of it. I don't condone cheating.

The book will tell you how to cheat. Not that you should cheat. What was the reason for you weren't allowed to fuck other girls, but was she fucking other guys? I don't know, man. It's weird. I've never encountered a woman that has crazy guidelines for the relationship before. Did she read this? Did she read the book, or did she know about it?

No, this was way before the book. We wrote the book because the book is just supposed to be funny, but we made a movie about cheating that was a comedy. So we before the book. We wrote the book because the book is just supposed to be funny, but we made a movie about cheating that was a comedy, so we wrote the book. But no, I don't know why she would say, I'm not ready for a commitment, but you're not allowed to sleep with other people. I don't get it.

If you're not allowed to fuck other people when you're married and you're not allowed to fuck other people when you have a girlfriend, when are you allowed to fuck other people? Technically never. Thank you, the single guy who's 48 up there. When you're a creep, when are you allowed to fuck other people? Technically never. Thank you, the single guy who's 48 up there. You know what it is? When you're a creepy, creepy swinger, that's what it is. You're allowed to, when you look like you just live in hot tubs in Florida, that's when you're allowed to.

I don't want to have to hit an SNL-level sketch of creepy before I'm allowed to fucking. I'm fine. You know, I think people need to really start looking into open relationships. You can love somebody but want to fuck somebody else. And I think some people don't. I'm fine, honestly, if my girlfriend

fucks... As long as she doesn't get pregnant by a black guy, that's the only rule. Because I've got to just be able to explain it off. That's it. If I can explain it off, I'm fine. If this comes out fucking 50 Shades of Black, I'm fucked. Do you know what I'm saying?

Was this one of Tony's bits for the New Year show? No, no, no. No, no, no. You're giving us an open invitation to fuck your girl, though. So, guys. She's into it. We've been together 11 years. So you're saying and open relationship,

but the black guys have to pull out. Sam is so weird. Every comedy show Sam does in town is like the pussy fest. Actually, I've never done a show called the pussy fest. It's going to be a combat in here. I've been with the same girl for 11 years. By the way,

she's who I am. By the way, Sam, if I was you, I would say that the only thing that, if I was you, I would say that the only thing that she is allowed to get pregnant with is a black baby because that's probably the only chance you have

of raising an athlete. See that? The guy thought that was mean, but he's being honest. When's the last time you saw an Armenian on the NBA court? Dude, I just boxed! What, a pizza? What the fuck are you talking about? What did you box exactly?

Oh, funny, funny. You son of a bitch. Speaking of sex, I like when Brian was like, oh, I lost my virginity to disc one of this in 1984. They didn't have these discs in 1984. No, disc three was on it,

which is number three, WWF3. Oh, it's wrestling. Okay. I really thought that was going to hit hard. It yeah i thought my romance of this explain the lead up and the romance and how you finished the job fucking during wrestlemania were you fucking during the wrestlemania were you just saying that the year was it was homecoming it was on pay-per-view my friend and me double dated. He went upstairs to fuck his girlfriend that he had already fucked

while watching Wrestlemania upstairs. How old were you? Freshman in high school. Wow. And then I went downstairs to his basement, which was a mattress in a basement. You thought you were meeting the chicks.

I'm very nice to women. I just remember not enjoying it because I really wanted to see what was on the TV. So you were losing your virginity, but you were preoccupied with fake men and tights fighting. I remember it being pretty fucked up. I like banging to wrestling because you feel

like the announcers are talking about you. Oh no! He's down for the count! I like banging to wrestling because you feel like the announcers are talking about you. Yeah. Oh, no. He's down for the count. Yeah. There you go. Here comes a hard drop. But what's weird, Red Band. That was supposed to be shitty, guys.

That was supposed to be a shitty joke. By the way, that was really funny. I was being ironic. I didn't laugh at that. You guys got to pay attention a little better. Real quick. Do you know, like, if you did that enough, you would only be able to come to pro wrestling. Yes, scientists have discovered.

You can make yourself attracted to anything if you orgasm enough while it's happening. That's not true because I could barely come with any other dog in the room. But my dog in my room watches me every time. Okie dokie. Here we go, everybody. Your next question from Josh is for Sam Tripoli. Hopefully we get a shorter answer. Well, actually.

You have no question. No, I do. I'm just getting into it. You don't have to interrupt. Much love. Whoa, you just got fucking autistic blasted. Truth Machine is so mean to me. That came straight from the gut

I must have autism because he just got in a fucking weird challenge with me You just got autistic, bro Come on, guys Seriously You're killing These are shit jokes on purpose Oh, come on Josh, what's your question?

Fire it up there Live podcast, baby Yeah My question for Sam is Sam does a show called The Naughty Show. It's a stand-up comedy and burlesque dancing. Have you ever done something that not even you, has anything ever happened on The Naughty Show that you got in trouble for? Have I ever gotten in trouble for anything that happened in The Naughty Show?

Oh, yeah, man. Tons of times. The first time we did a show at the improv, this isn't necessarily funny, but it's one of my favorite moments at the improv. We had Bella Donna, this adult film star. She was pole dancing, and out of

nowhere she pulled out like a 10-inch black dong. And as she was pole dancing, she deep-throated the whole thing and did pole work, and the improv didn't appreciate that very much. But it was one of the greatest moments of comedy of all time. Also,

follow-up question. Autistic follow-up. No, because you mentioned about your girlfriend. I hate to be a creep, but can I have sex with your girlfriend? Let him do it If she fucked you I'd break up with her That's all I gotta say

She can fuck anybody else but you I've seen your autistic dick It is small yeah Is it? It's pretty bad Can we see it? Real quick Show Beyonce over here your dick real quick

No Why do you want to see so much dick for? I'm not your fucking reader, man. Sorry, go Sam, stop. What is this turned into already? I don't know. It's partially my fault. See, like this type of thing, the show your dick thing,

that would not fly on the New Year's Eve show with Carson Daly. My apologies. That's why I only write for basic cable. Hey, Sam, I love you. Thank you, buddy. Fuck yeah. There he is. Guys, you know what this is.

This is the craziest show in the world. 60 seconds is what comedians get. Guys, you're surrounded realizing it or not. There's comedians all around you, smack packed in the back of the room right now. They all signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket, have their name read, and they come on stage and do 60 seconds. And then we talk to them about anything in the world that we want to talk to them about.

Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww. It's so cute. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's like standing back. I didn't like that one.

That was a really lame one. You guys have done this before? I was just going to say West Hollywood Bear used to be a bear and slowly over the last 30 episodes it's gotten stranger and stranger and now it's just unrecognizable and pretty annoying.

Was it a bear, like animal bear? Yeah, it was just a bear. Like a bear. And then it was really loud, and what was funny was the volume of the bear would interrupt the people, like the performer, if they kept trying to go long. I like that.

And it gets a hard laugh every time, but now there's just a bunch of sound effects. Well, you know, that's the second rule of comedy is if it works, don't do it. Don't keep doing it. Just change it up. This is a hot crowd tonight. No, it's good. There's an electricity in this room.

Did all of you drive from Buffalo to get here today? Jesus Christ, guys. Also, some people from Georgia. Give the guy from Georgia a round of applause. Georgia? We're in Georgia. We're in Georgia. Atlanta. I'm going to be at the Laughing Skull in April.

Wow, look at that. Come on, watch me rock 50 people. Fuck, yeah. You guys ready to get this thing started? Or what, everybody? Here we go. This is the show you're here for. The whole started or what, everybody? Here we go. This is the show we're here for. The whole cast is here, everybody. Put your hands together for your first comedian

doing 60 seconds tonight. He goes by the name of Steve Benetier. Oh. Is that Steve? There's a guy with a hoodie that seems suspicious. Keep it going. Now he went the other way. You know what that means.

Wow, that means you just got blacklisted. Whoa, you're done in Hollywood. Let it happen, Sam. Go suck yourself off. That's what happens when you get blacklisted. The autistic guy makes sounds. Your next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Rab. Rob?

Two A's? R-A-A-B? Fuck yeah. Everybody's scared to death right now. Nobody wants to go first in front of the crowd. That means you just got blacklisted. Go fuck yourself. Are you going to change it at some point?

Or are you going to stick with the go fuck yourself? And you can just leave the helmet up if you want. I do it so sporadically that I figured I don't need to change it too much. You are the most adorable 250 pound man I've ever talked to in my entire life. I love you too, Tony. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Kip Hart, everybody.

Kip Hart. This could happen. Anything could happen. We got movement. Here we go. We know Kip Hart, everybody. Kip Hart. This could happen. Anything could happen. We got movement. There we go. There we go. We know Kip. It's been on before. Kip Hart, everybody.

Come on. Excellent. So I work at Disneyland, Jungle Cruise. It's funny at the Jungle Cruise, they want us to pretend like the animals are real. And now they want to start drug testing us. I wish they'd make up their mind. This little girl came up to the dock one night, and she had her princess dress on. She's probably six.

I already hate her. And she has her dress, and she's swinging along, and she looks up at me, and she says, I'm hate her. And she has her dress and she's swinging along and she looks up at me and she says, I am a princess. And I looked down at her and I said, no you're not. Your parents just dress you up to make up for the love they can't give you. And you know what else? There's no Santa Claus.

Is that my minute? That should be about a minute. It's 51 seconds. Oh, my goodness. You got a seven second anything? I blasted through that. All right. I'll take my time.

Fuck yeah. Wow. So you really work on the Jungle Cruise, huh? I do, yeah. So what, did you go to prison at some point? Did you do drugs? How'd you end up at Disneyland? Just a part-time job.

It started as a part-time job way back when. So a summer job became a career? Is that what happened? It's not really a career. I still do it part-time, and I kind of use it for my comedy thing. I use it to kind of keep timing and whatnot. It seems like it's really affecting your mood in your life. I mean, it's the place of happiness for kids

And you're telling this kid that she should die of AIDS You have some anger inside You've got to get it out I love it You're full of rage That's nice Do you like the job? I do, yeah

It's fun It's actually very easy What kind of hours do you work in there? I do about 30 hours a week That's part-time? Yeah, yeah. It's fun. It's actually very easy. What kind of hours are you working there? I do about 30 hours a week. That's part-time? Yeah, yeah. Wow. The jungle cruise.

But it's not work. You're just terrorizing kids. That's all. How many runs is that a day on the boat? So it's an eight-minute trip. We probably do 35 or 40 a day in an eight-hour trip. God damn. So you do 35 or 40 sets of eight minutes.

Wow. Did they really drug test you? They were talking about it. That's where that joke came from. They were talking about actually drug testing everybody. But they think the union kind of smashed that. Well, yeah, because that's the best place to do drugs. Do you notice a lot of people on drugs there?

Because I know so many people that just trip. Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah, all the time. You can see them. And they're great when they're on the boat because then you can just, like, nail them. Do you ever mess with them? Oh, for sure.

Like, what have you done to somebody that's on mushrooms on the boat? Oh, you know, it depends on what their mood is. If they're disturbing everybody, then I just shut them down. But, you know, you can just. How do you shut them down? Give me an example. Oh, example. This one guy was really out of it.

He's cussing. You don't get kids around. So I just stopped the boat, and I said, shut your mouth. Oh, my God. Shut up. What do you mean? What does that mean? You're allowed to do that?

You're doing that wrong. Sure, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. How long have you been doing comedy? How did he get over at Disney? About six years. How's it going? You're a good joke writer,. Look at you. How long have you been doing comedy? How did he get over at Disney? About six years. How's it going?

You're a good joke writer, man. Thank you. You have some really good structure. You don't waste. I know we're not supposed to get too serious here, but I always do show people always talk forever. You don't waste any time. You get right to it.

Well, you got a minute. You got to get right on it. Well, you'd be amazed. You'd be amazed. But I thought your jokes were great, man. Thank you. Yeah, good stuff. What else do you do

for fun, Kip? What do you do for enjoyment? Just stand up. Any spare time I have. Do you have a family or anything? I do.

Yeah? He has two kids. Oh, you do? You take them on the job? 30 years? Yeah. Wow. Wow.

Holy shit. Happily? Yes. Fuck yeah. It's a live. Happily? Yes. Fuck yeah. It's a live podcast. I get it. She could be watching this right now. No.

Want to know how to? I heard the book. I'm looking up for used copies on Amazon right now. All right. There's plenty. Trust me. Kip, what else? How long have you... Go on. Go on. All right, there's plenty, trust me. Kip, what else? I think it's...

Go on. I just like, you got into it a little later, and what were you doing before you did this? Before comedy? Yeah. Just work. That's how I, we talked about this before, is how I got into comedy was a friend of mine

put together a show with just Jungle Cruise skippers. There was a Jungle Cruise skipper show? Yeah, it was called Skipper Stand Up. You're called a skipper. And we just still, we do stand up, and he asked me to do a show with just Jungle Cruise skippers. There was a Jungle Cruise skipper show? Yeah, it was called Skipper Stand-Up. You're called a skipper. And we just still, we do stand-up. And he asked me to do a show, and I'd never even thought about doing comedy before. And I wrote eight minutes, and it worked pretty good. And I kind of got hooked on it, so then I started.

Who's the biggest asshole at Disney? Like, Mickey Mouse? You're going to get him fired, man. Yeah, yeah. You can't talk about shit like that. You can always do Uber or something. You're going to get him fired, man. Yeah, yeah. We can't talk about shit like that. I can always do Uber or something. I'm fired. Okay.

Well, then I want to know how much Nazi sympathizing goes on behind the scenes. Oh, it's all over. We have to give the Heil Hitler when we walk out of the church. Wow. Look at that. It's really not prevalent. Gotcha. Fuck yeah, man.

Well. I think he's a good writer. He answered it seriously just to keep his job at the very end. He's like, no, it's not very prevalent. No, we know. I'm just being truthful. No, I know. We're just kidding.

How long have you been doing stand-up in L.A.? The whole time? Well, I live in Orange County, but yeah, six years. Gotcha. Gotcha. That's great. Craziest thing you've seen on this cruise. What is the weirdest shit that's gone on?

Oh, man. Well, they have this one called Bats Day where the emo people dress up. They got all their stuff in the bat ears. I was actually at Big Thunder Mountain one day and I was grouping people onto the trains. And this girl walked up and she was in a black garb, and she had a leash. I said, how many of your groups? She goes, two. She turned the corner, and she had a guy on the leash with a collar dragging him back to the back of the train.

Can I just say something? Yes, sir. I love that right after you said there's no Nazi sympathizing at Disney World, your next story, the first thing was, I was grouping people onto the trains. We didn't have coal, so we had to use two. Rarely phrased that way outside of Nazis. Kip, we love you. We're rooting for you, buddy. Come back any time. Kip Hart, everybody.

That wasn't really Bat Day, either. That was more like BDSM Day. Totally. It was like Fister Sub Day or something like that. Yeah, interesting stuff. I didn't even know there was a Bat Day at Disney.

I know. There was a bunch of Batmans running around. Yeah, that sounds weird. I think he told us about the time... Dominatrix and subs walking around. I went on that cruise with my mom, and I'm wondering if he was the guy doing the thing. I just can't wait to go to Disneyland

to see if I can find him now that I know him. Yeah. Because now I know somebody I could smoke with. Like, hey, just stop the cruise right here underneath this tree real quick. Right? Smoke weed? Yeah, he'll do that.

Why not? Yeah. At Disney World? Have you been fucked up at Disneyland? I got really... When I was in Florida, we went to Disney World for spring break once because we were really cool.

And I got so fucking high at the campground we were staying at to go to Disney World and it took so fucking long to get from the trams to the parking that I was sober by the time we got in. It was such a letdown, man. I maybe got like 10 minutes

of it's a small world high and then like that, you know what I mean? First ride, you know what I'm saying? Josh, you ever been to Disneyland? Yeah, once. Once. Josh told me, put the mask up. You don't have to do.

Don't listen to him, man. You're a lot bigger than him. If you want to leave the mask down, you can. Does it come across good? That's fine with it. All right, cool. But I like that routine you do where you forgot it was down, then you pull it up.

That's funny. Keep doing it like that. Just like the movies. It's like I have space balls. Yeah, it's funny. Keep doing it like that. Whatever works. Yeah, I went to Disneyland once.

I didn't like all the crowds. Really? It makes me anxious. Every time. Whatever works. Yeah, I went to Disneyland once. I didn't like all the crowds. Really? It makes me anxious. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Anything fun happen when you were there? The most fun I had is playing an arcade. I know.

An arcade. I'm a big arcade nerd, so. No. No, yeah. I like arcade games, and I had more fun hanging out and just playing those than going on rides. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Daniel White, everybody.

Daniel White. I love how people get excited for people like it's The Price is Right. How are you doing? So I saw a gimp on the bus the other night. And if you don't know what a gimp is, it's one of those S&M slaves. This guy was in the leather. He had on the mask and everything. Nobody on the bus cared, you know.

And I was sitting there thinking, like, why the hell is this guy on the bus and not in his cage? You know what I mean? He really ruined my image of gimps, you know. Like some slave, you know. So I noticed his little handcuffs. They were novelty handcuffs. I go, this really ruined my image of Gimps, you know? Some slave, you know? So I noticed his little handcuffs. They were novelty handcuffs. I go, this guy's getting off of work. Getting off of work.

What's it like when he gets home? Everything he tells his wife's got to sound terrible. How was work, honey? Baby, I'm beat. Boss was up my ass the entire day. He doesn't appreciate that I worked a double For an hour I bend over forward for these pricks

I swear Well it wasn't all bad One guy gave me a pretty big tip And he stiffed me There was a paper jam In Bob's ass What was the last one? I said there was a paper jam in Bob's ass. Sorry. What was the last one? I said there was a paper jam in Bob's ass.

Yeah, I'd say that one's overkill. Okay. I thought you just made this shit up because I just said the word gimp, and I'm like, oh, he's just freestyling the word gimp, but you actually prepared for this. That was great. That was going to be the minute that you were going to do,

even if Kip, before you, hadn't said that the weirdest thing out of all of his years at Disney World was some guy in a mask getting drugged around in strange and mysterious ways. I'm aggravated that your play on words with the S&M stuff got laughs and my wrestling

announcement play on words thing bombed. That means the crowd's being picky and choosy right now. No, they're getting warmed up. Just joking. You guys look like you're the young version in your cocaine days. You look like you found Jesus and cleaned up. I was going to say I'm the old version.

Go door-to-door meeting, everybody. Tell them about the Lord. It's actually funny that you say that. I'm going to jump in on this one because, Daniel, we met you, what, four to six months ago or something like that? Four months ago. I remember you coming on the show a couple times. You got on like a couple weeks in a row right when you started, right? And what I've noticed is the last like month or two, I've noticed you out back in the pot smoking area where comedians smoke a lot of pot and you'll like run into other comedians there and you know guys from the show like every

few minutes, you know, new people rotate in and out. It's the pot-smoking area of the comedy store. But what's interesting is most of the people come in and out, but what Daniel has done is he has basically marked his territory in this area because he realizes that pretty much every comedian at some point of the night is going to go smoke pot there and that he can just keep smoking pot, and you get to meet people. It's like a Starbucks.

He's had his iPad and his keyboard, and he's just sitting there working. You have a guitar sometimes. I mean, you really do. That is the true part. You set up camp. You have the Wi-Fi code or something like that. Used to. So how's that been working out for you?

What's the deal? You've been smoking a lot more pot than I'm guessing you were four to six months ago, right? Oh, marginally. I'd say yeah. So yes is the answer. OPP too. What's OPP? Other people's pot.

Right. I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. Whoa, the bear. Rearing its's ugly face How long have you been doing comedy About I've been doing it on stage

For four and a half I was here the first time When I came on here Oh I didn't realize That was the same time He started Did you start here Yeah

First time on stage So you're How long have you been doing it Four and a half months Wow See what the fuck we create here at Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Only four and a half months. Sure, it still took 40 seconds for him to get to it,

but he had like six or seven good fucking bangers right there. And the premise is funny. It's like a really smart premise that you probably don't have the skills yet to really deliver because you're just still fucking, you're a white belt right now. But you're trying some black belt shit in my opinion. That's a really

funny idea. And again, like I said, the biggest thing new comics do is they always just over explain everything. Like if Greg Samples, you're like knowing the bus seemed to care that this guy was there here that's really not pertinent to what you're talking about it's like this guy getting off work right so you should have just jumped right into that but it's a funny fucking premise dude yeah this was your best week definitely for sure i don't

know if you were less stoned or less hacky like because i mean like last time you were like you know with the guitar and stuff and it was just too much. This was, like, the first time where I thought, like, wow, that was, like, almost a very well-written premise, joke, tag. Like, everything was, like, great. Yeah, you just have to get right into it. Like Sam was saying, just start, you know, with the guy who was on a bus. How do you not have time to change from work? Boobity, boobity, bangity, bang. And then you're already cooking.

Joe DeRosa knows about cooking. About cooking? Meth. What do you mean? I have no idea. I do cook. Oh, really? Yeah, I cook.

Perfect. I had no idea why I said it like that. I just knew that I was going to hand it off to you next. Oh, I cooked for myself tonight. You did? Yeah. What'd you make? I made two chicken breasts, and I made a salad, and I fed my dog a concoction of things.

How did you prepare the chicken? On your stove, oven, microwave? Yeah, I usually go stove or oven. You know, I'm one of those traditionalists when it comes to cooking chicken. Right. Take a raw piece of chicken. Very conservative. Yeah, put it on the stove or maybe in the oven.

Put it on a spick. I don't think you can spit, you mean? A spic. Give it to a spic. He'll cook it. Sorry. Oh, my God. That's funny.

That's stupid. Daniel, what do you eat for dinner tonight? I eat burritos tonight. Burritos. Did you cook it? Yes, I did. Oh, nice. What did you put in it?

Beans, rice. I didn't put in it? Beans, rice. I didn't have any meat. Beans, rice, sour cream, cheese, sriracha. Now, did you not have meat by choice or because you can't afford meat right now? Can't afford meat right now. Yeah. You're on the grind, baby. That's beautiful, though.

When you start putting meat in those burritos, you're going to be like, I fucking remember. I remember when I didn't have meat. I've made it. Seriously, that's the shit you remember, man. I remember when 50% of my burrito was just sour cream, brother. You're just eating that cold mix. Hot dog burritos. Don't knock it. Just try it.

Trust me. Wow. Fuck yeah. That's not even for the taste. That's just for really what it does to your physique. Like protein. It really will help you. Do you do a lot of push-ups? Does he look like he does?

Fuck yeah, Daniel. Just quick, did you really see a guy like that on the bus? I actually did. That's why I like it even more. Did he pay his bus fare? Did he unzip a part of his leather outfit and pull it off? He wasn't totally Pulp Fiction style. He had on all the leather.

He might have been coming from just a party. Walt Disneyland? Right. He still had a mask on, but he had his eyes. He wasn't like... Yeah. Zipped up. We all like to relax when we get off work.

Yeah. But what's funny is that I remember, you know, when I first started stand-up, I was taking the bus a lot around town. And in L.A., it's so hard to sell those jokes. It's so hard to relate to riding the bus in L.A. for audiences. So I remember chiseling away. I probably have written eight, ten minutes worth of riding the L.A. bus jokes that just never went anywhere.

But that's probably a good one. My second bus bit on this show, too. Wow, look at you. The bus boy himself. I like a bus bit. It's not really a bus joke, though. You could still tell that joke. I was walking down the street and saw the guy.

It doesn't have to. You don't even need the bus. I would just say that guy has a joke. It doesn't have to. You don't even need the bus. I would just say that guy has a. It doesn't matter what I would say. As you can see by my 50% success ratio tonight, I know what I'm talking about. Stop overthinking it, dude. Yeah, you're really breaking it down.

No, I'm just. I like to self-deprecate. This is the DeRosa humor. Oh, I love it. That's his thing. I said the word spick. What do you want, man? Just like. It's all good, dude. You're doing all. You're killing. Put I said the word spick. What do you want, man? It's all good, dude.

You're killing it. Put the chicken on a spick. His name is Jorge. Daniel, what else? Where are you living that you're taking the bus this long of a distance? I'm living in East Hollywood. East Hollywood. Yeah. I didn't even know there was an East Hollywood.

It's where I live where it's hip. Is that gay Mexicans? What is that? It's pretty much. It's over probably kind of by Barnstall Park, Sunset, Vermont area. Nice. That's where I'm at, brother. Jumbos.

A lot of tranny hookers that way, huh? A whole bunch. You ever just celebrate one night, just get a nice $40 blowjob? You can't even afford meat. They got meat. They'll fuck that burrito, bro. Fuck yeah. It'll look like

sour creams all over the place after you hook up with a good tranny. Tony. See what I did there? I went back to the sour cream. Tony, keep it clean, man. I went back to the sour cream. I thought that they'd be with me. Call back. This is my brand of humor. This is what you do. Dial it back

for Carson Daly. Daniel White, I had so much fun with you. Daniel's cool. He started here. Good job, Daniel. Thanks, Daniel. You should get a job at the comedy store. That'd probably be good for him. How old are you, Daniel? Almost 28.

You should get a job here. I think that would help your comedy. I think it would, too. I'd love that. Keep it up. You're funny. Thank you very much. Take care. Good job, Dan. There you go.

Bye-bye. Gotta be honest with you. Two really good guys right in a row. I know. And that's, you know, it's amazing because obviously I'm positive that Daniel didn't have that many punchlines four and a half months ago when he started. So it's fun to watch everybody grow. At this point, someone will be like, can we get a girl on stage?

No, we can't. Tony, I never noticed you say everything with zero emotion. You were like, I had fun with you, Daniel. Thank you for coming on. It's fun to watch people grow. You sound like the sounds of the lambs. It's like a robot that they're still working on the emotions chip. Oh, yeah, that's me.

I love it. What is that? Oh, yeah, that's me. I love it. What is that? Oh, Billy. Oh, that's you. Yeah, I speak emotionless. I over-enunciate, and I'm really good at it. What happened to you? You're like a gay robot.

No, I just never learned to not speak perfect English. I don't know. It's like there's no real accents. Dude, I'll tell you something about Tony, man. You could put Tony in a room with, like, the Pope, Obama, whoever, Steve Jobs, all these famous. And he would feel like he should be perfectly with everybody. Like, yeah, we're all winners here, right? Absolutely.

I think they should fucking know. It's like, oh, wow, this guy. I've always said that. That's why he's going to go really far. Because he always thinks he should be in the room. Always. I think those guys would fucking love having a piece of the future of comedy, which is a really big deal.

They say it's only the best medicine. Why wouldn't Barack want to... He's having health care issues. Why not have the best medicine, man? You're not far off, man. That Carson Daly credit's going to open quite a few doors in this town. Steve Jobs is going to be calling your number.

Pretty soon, dude. All the people high on cocaine still up at that time are going to enjoy your show. I love it. DVR it, everybody. You can watch it anytime if you DVR it. Okay, this looks like a new name. I'm excited for this. I hope I pronounce it right.

The handwriting is insane. Put your hands together for Hayden Veevneal. That's obvious. Here we go. Oh Oh it's a dude Remember we have the two ladies that are regulars Hayden everybody Come on Hey guys

I come here from San Francisco And I'm actually not supposed to be here today I was supposed to have a show up there But this was the closest I could park. Nope. Guys, I love dogs, though. Dogs are like my favorite thing in the world. I realized recently that I treat dogs in the street exactly the way you're not supposed to treat women on the street. Like, every time I see a dog walking past, I'm just like, hey, cutie. I like the way you walk. I like your legs.

And I touch him without asking. No, I like dogs more than I like humans. Like, I'll walk down the street, and I'll say good morning to five dogs, and I won't look another human in the eye. Like, I should basically only tell jokes for dogs at this point. It's like, Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

You see, the reason you guys didn't like that joke is because that joke is for dogs. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck yeah, Hayden. Hi. I love your style, dude. Let, whoa, whoa. Fuck yeah, Hayden. Hi. I love your style, dude. Let's get into it.

I love the dog thing. I mean, that seems like it's what you came here to talk about. I liked it. Did you open up your set with a San Francisco joke in Los Angeles? Yes, I did. Very astute of you. Interesting. Guess what he didn't do.

Say the word spick. Oh. Okay. Should I have? No. I'm making fun of Sam. That was interesting. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? went over. That was interesting. Yeah.

Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. All of it in San Fran? Yeah. There's a black guy in the back of the room. What's your name again? Haiti. Haiti, that's right. That just finds it hilarious. Your voice or something like that. Haiti, what's going on back there? What are you cracking up about?

Is that what it is? What do you like about his voice? something like that. Hady, what's going on back there? What are you cracking up about? Is that what it is? What do you like about his voice? It sounds feminine. I had a feeling that's what it was. I think you guys dick hard. That's what happened. I love it. No, yeah, yeah. We know what feminine means. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah, Hady. This is a mix nuts, man. I love it. It's like Haiti's sense of humor is still locked in 97 where the sound of a gay man is just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. I couldn't believe it when I heard that. I like your style, man. I think you're on to something. I think it's just going to take time to develop.

You should hit some of the, I don't know if you already do, but hit some of the independent rooms, man. Like, I think some of those coffee house shows might do you well where you can feel a little less pressure on stage, just kind of get into something a little weirder, because I think that's probably what you're trying to do, and then bring it back over here. I think your jokes were, besides the San Francisco joke,

I think, no, it probably kills in San Francisco. I'm just saying, like like we have our own parking problems but I like your jokes. I just think you need to fine tune them a little more. Make more like your opening premise a little more specific so we know what you're getting at. Do you understand?

The idea is great. I mean half the days I wake up and only talk to my dog and like the first person I talk to is like at 10pm at night. You know, so there's something to just only talk. I like it. I like it. Absolutely. I can completely relate to that.

I totally, you know, when I see other cute dogs, I, you know, I'm like I'm a sucker for it. You ever go on Facebook and someone shows some dude just getting rocked by a punch. You're like, ha ha, like. And then you see someone like just doing something mean to a dog. You're like, you're a fucking asshole. You know, I totally relate to that, man. You know, like, I have a soft spot for dogs, man. I totally get what you're saying. It's just fine-tuning it so everyone

understands what your punchline is. Why do you like, why do you, what's the reason that you like dogs more than humans? Bigger dicks, right? Bigger dicks. Because they're cute. You think dogs have bigger dicks than humans? I think some got big old dicks, right? Bigger dicks. Because they're cute. You think dogs have bigger dicks than humans? I think some got big old dicks. Really?

Yeah. What kind of dog dick have you seen, Sam, that's bigger than a human penis? I've been on the internet. Really? He's comparing it to his dick. Yeah. Searching. I've seen some weird shit.

Wow. It's like a lot. Back to your question. It's harder to alienate dogs in social situations, I think. Right. That's interesting. What do you mean by that? Can you give an example?

What do you mean by alienate dogs in social situations? Dogs aren't weeded out when you just don't have anything to say to their question, and you just kind of stare at them, and you're like, hi. Yeah. They don't judge me when I'm fucking. So that's why I like them. I'm not judging you, dude. I'm just trying to give you a little bit of advice.

Yeah, it's great. No, Brian said judging. Brian's totally judging you. No, I'm not judging you. No, no, Brian said the word judging. He didn't say it. But then you responded like he said it. Yeah, the whole thing went off its tracks and now we're in the woods. Sam's thinking about dog dick right now.

I just didn't want him to feel bad. Sometimes it goes a little off the track and I just fucking give it a little power steer. That one was we're going backwards right now. Hayden. Hayden. What's your last name? Greif Neal. Wow, that's what you wrote here.

Do you realize? Do you know you have bad handwriting? I do. Yeah. You're not working on that. It's diagnosed bad handwriting. What do you do for work? I do customer service. For what? For an online shopping app in the

San Francisco. Yeah. What's the online shopping app? It's called Wish. I think I know about that. Do you? Yeah, it's a weird one, right? Where it says it's cut down from this price and now it's this price.

It does say that. Yeah, I know that one. You guys are staring at each other pretty intensely. Well, he's on the show and I'm hosting it right now. So that's like a part of it. You want to go sit back with Haiti and be a homophobe, Sam? Section?

I have an app called Wish that I invented, too. But it's for dying children to fulfill their wishes. No, you do the shopping one. That's just as good. What did you say? I said you invented that. I invented it. What do you do for fun, Hayden?

This. Stand-up. Also in video games, I guess. What do you do for fun, Hayden? Yeah. This. Stand up. Also, like, in video games, I guess. What's your favorite video game? Minecraft. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. Listen to that laugh he's been holding in.

Wow. That's your favorite? Yeah, it's the best one. Why? Because it's like Legos, but a video video game and there's also zombies in it. Did you not know Legos suck in real life? They're the fucking worst. For who?

They suck. Legos always suck. Only the nerds like Legos. No, you're fucking nuts. That's me. The Lego movie was awesome. I was a fucking dork too. You could have gotten an Oscar. That movie was great. What you just fucking dork too. I got an Oscar. That movie was great. What you just said.

Hold on. What you just said. The Lego movie. Anything with funny voices is awesome. No, that's not true. That was actually a really good movie. When somebody gives me a bucket and they're like, we get to put it together, then we can play with it. And you can't even...

Go fuck yourself. No, dude. I want to play with the. And you can't even... Go fuck yourself. No, dude. I will not fuck myself. I want to play with the toy. Legos were great. Leave them alone. Joe DeRosa, you have a real stance against Legos. What, did you get raped by Legos? I don't care whose toes I step on.

Did somebody shove Lego guys up your ass when you were a kid? No, he just always bugged me because you'd go over a kid's house to have fun and he'd take out a bucket of fucking Legos and you'd put the thing together and then you'd just stare at it. You couldn't even do anything with it. It was like assholes that liked model planes. Yeah, but you're like three years old.

What do you want to do with it? Cook math? Like, seriously. You liked model planes? Yes. Thank you. I swear to God, I could have. I only wanted to put together this smash it over my dad's head for giving it to me in the first place.

You never liked Legos? No. Wow. Did you ever have your own Legos? Or were you mad because you'd only go over your dad's hand? No. I'll tell you why I didn't have Legos. Because I was smart enough to ask for real toys like He-Man and G.I. Joe.

That I could play with. Okay. So G.I. Joe's great. He's a little dude with no G.I. Joe. Yes. Yes. That's way better than Legos. Fuck you and your G.I. Joe's great. It's a little deal with no G.I. Joe. Yes, that's way better than Legos. Fuck you and your G.I. Joe.

Wait, are you saying... Legos rock. They come with Batman. They come with all the Avengers. Sam, Sam, Sam. Star Wars. Calm down, Sam. Let us talk.

Are you saying G.I. Joe is... I'm not saying... Legos better than G.I. Joe. I'm not saying G.I. Joe's... Yeah, Legos fucking whoops. You are a fucking spick, dude. I'll take that. I'll deny!

I think he just called you a spit. I'm fine with that. I can't believe, Joe, you're anti-Legos. That's insane. Because his parents could only afford Lincoln Logs. Jihadi Joe over here, this fucking asshole. Hayden over here. And by the way, you can't play Legos when you're three because they're too small.

You play them when you're like six to 12 and they fucking suck. They don't suck. Those are the years where you're like, I want to blow shit up. I want to see fucking, I want to make cars go fast. I want to, you know. I'm glad you weren't my friend when I was a kid. How about that? If I was your friend.

Because you know what you would have done? You would have block blocked me. No. All right. I would have block-blocked me. Yeah. No. I would... All right. I would have shown you a different way, and you'd be even farther in this. You'd be doing your second Carson Daly appearance tonight.

How much do you like... What is this? How much do you like Lego? What the fuck was the last thing you were on, DeRosa? How much do you like Legos? It's been a while. Do you, like, wait in line for the Legos at the Lego stores? Are you that big of a Lego guy right now?

No. I, like, Lego guy right now? No. I have Minecraft now, man. Right, so you don't need it. Yeah, I buy Minecraft once. I don't have to buy them every time. Do you have Minecraft on your phone also? They are very... Did you come here with a bunch of people?

I came here with three. And you're very German, by the way. You came here with three. I know. I didn't know this was weird until like... Inglourious Bastards? Right. Yeah.

I was like, this is just how I do three. You've been always doing that. Yeah. And you're not from Germany. No. Why not this? Are you German? Because this is more comfortable.

Really? Do you have German blood in you? I do. It's like Jewish-German blood or something. So you hate yourself. I do. Why do you think I do comedy? Where are Jewish German blood or something. I do. Why do you think I do comedy? Where are you from? You're good, dude.

I'm from Oakland. Oakland? Yeah. Okay. Alright. You like Too Short? Not really familiar with Too Short. Wow. What the? He's a spy, guys. He's a spy. Oh my goodness.

I can't believe you don't know about Too Short. He's a spy, guys. He's a spy. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you don't know about Too Short. He's a rapper that loves sex. Dude, a woman died blowing him. Oh, cool. Yeah. How did that happen? Because his dick was too long. No, he blew a load in her throat.

Where are you people? Too Short, remember? You fucking morons. This is a stupid crowd. I don't even like you guys. They're too busy loving Iggy Zellia. Let the record show that I didn't like the crowd for episode 95. I'm turning on you guys.

On Fun Club. How did the girl that blew too short die? His dick was too long. It got nothing. I heard somebody fucking sneeze in the main room. That's 500 feet away from here. You want to hear the best too short lyric? Yeah.

He's got a song about gold diggers, and he goes, You look at a dick like it's a slot machine. Is that the whole line? Yeah, the erect dick. Just to check on it. To suck it like it's a... I like that. Progressive hipsters.

That's what we have here. Check out that song. It's called Broke Bitch. Broke Bitch. Yes. Yeah, by Tushar. Learn your culture, your history of your area, bro. It will help your act.

It was fun to meet you, Hayden. Yeah, keep it up, dude. You're gay, right? Hayden, you're gay? Great job, Hayden. Are you out of the closet? I'm not gay. Really?

I know I came across as gay. Like, everyone is like, who cares? Then we are not done with Hayden. Sit back down, Hayden. No! All right, Hayden, everybody. Yeah, I love you, Hayden. Great job.

Good job. Hayden! Raised by Wendy, right? Play Minecraft. One and one. One and one. Mom and a sister. Oh, mom and a dad.

Oh, mom and a dad. Oh, I thought you had two gay dads. Really not gay. I mean, I get it all the time, but I'm just double checking. I'm just flamboyant. That's fine. Wow, that's awesome. You're theatrical.

Fuck yeah. Amazing. Be who you want to be, dude. I love it. San Francisco, too. But, okay. San Francisco. Dude, by the way, West Hollywood, way more gay than San Francisco.

Right. Okay? Absolutely. This is, I mean, dude, there's a billboard right now of a man's asshole on what, on Sam Huckabill. I don't even know what they're advertising. It's just a man's asshole. And West Hollywood, West Hollywood is like mean gay.

Yeah. Fuck you, bitch. It's gay snarky, which is the new bad guy in every fucking film. Have you seen that? Yeah. Gay snarky? I've been trying to fucking get bad guy in every fucking film. Have you seen that? Gay snarky? I've been trying to fucking get cast as one of these guys. Are you kidding me? You would be great.

That's all I want is to be the bad guy in a fucking movie. It blows my mind that it hasn't happened yet. I've had a joke that I've been doing about it for the last year, literally waiting for there to be a director in the room laughing, just like, of course, why wouldn't I? It's going to happen. It's going to happen. You have a Taylor Negron vibe

to you. He played the villain in the last Boy Scout. It drives me crazy. There's like people whose careers are exploding because they are playing these bad guys. That's right. It's fucking the King Joffrey. Guys go for Hayden, man.

Hayden one more time. Hayden Graf Neal is on Twitter. Hayden just did the walk-off. He's the Moth Prince on Twitter. And Daniel White is at Dano Comedy. And Kip Hart is at Kip underscore Hart, by the way. I find it funny that you just immediately thought he was gay. And you called him gay like three times during his interview.

I mean, for somebody that gets so much shit towards you. I completely, I mean, I completely, completely assume, just like I assume that Haiti is black, that Hayden from San Francisco was gay. Was I the only person that thought that? No, I didn't think he was gay. Yeah, but I don't care. Do I sound like a crazy person? 99% of the time the person goes, oh yeah, gay as fuck.

When I ask that question,'re like just dick dick dick but no he doesn't want to talk about it on a fucking big podcast I mean I think that was pretty obvious it got weird and uh I mean I think it's just weird because some of us just don't see gay or straight we just see people the human race you're so full

of shit you're so full of shit by the way I don't get it. You're really throwing me under the gay billboard on that one. I don't get a gay vibe from you at all. I get a vibe of a guy that stuffs animals in his basement. All right, all right, you son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.

How dare you say I stuff animals. Your next comedian goes by the name of John Gammon everybody John Here we go John Gammon Hey everybody How's it going

My girlfriend just She moved in with me, right? And for the third time recently, she quit her job. Fuck my life. I got it. I just got done dealing with one dude's fucking bills. I got to deal with two people's bills now. And it's just crazy.

I wake up just out of my mind. Like there's a fire in the house. Like, whoa, whoa, what's going on? Dude, it's 8 a.m and that's how i wake up like every day now i walk down the stairs i like sit down i watch her shoveling breakfast food into her mouth all this breakfast food that i bought for the both of us right and uh i i know it's a, but I just wonder right out loud, like, did you possibly, I wonder right out loud, did you, what exactly is the reason you quit this job this time? And she goes, John, I'm a boss.

And I'm just like, dude, why are you saying that? You know? Because you're trying, I fucked that up so bad. Keep going if you want to finish it. It's, you know, she's Chinese, but she's really black, but I love her and all this fucking rant bullshit that I wrote today. How many times have you been on stage?

A good amount. Really? What is that number? Fuck, I guess my barometers are just off tonight for everything. You need to break up with that girl immediately, by the way. There's not even a joke there. That's just you hating your girlfriend. You just totally used this as a minute of therapy

and just bounced it off 150 therapists at once. The arrangement of the joke is completely wrong. Do you know, it's like, she just moved in. That's just a joke right there. And you're like, and she quit her job Now you've moved on to a totally different premise

You'd be like, she just moved in Every time I come up in the morning She's just eating breakfast Now you want to sit on that for a couple fucking minutes Do you know what I'm saying? You introduce like eight different premises With it opening up And then you start trying to get the punchline

I totally fucked up the phrasing of it. I'm like, my girlfriend who lives with me. It sounds like you have a lot of shit going on in your life. So let's find out about it. Let's just let the jokes rise to the top. Let's break this shit down. You ready? Can I ask a question?

What part of that joke is true? Because it doesn't sound true. That's all true. It's the second time she – No, but I mean is she really black? Is she really Asian? Oh, yeah. She really is black.

Does she really talk like that? Yeah. She told me that actually today. I wrote that joke today. All right. I fucked that up. It's just coming off. It was just coming off like –

She's not a boss. She's not even an employee. How is she a boss? That's my joke I was trying to get to. I was like she can't even handle being a fucking employee, but I fucked it up. Wow. It's not even handle. You don't even have to say handle. She's unemployed. She's not even an employee.

Was she serious when she said I'm a boss? Was she really being angry? No, she was really serious. I would get into all that shit. So much more. How long have you been dating this girl? A year. She's already moved in. How long have you been dating this girl? A year. Wow.

Where did she work? She's already moved in. She moved in. You love that pussy, huh? Just watching her shovel cereal into her mouth every morning while she tells you she's a boss. It was like fucking arugula. So she's going straight up like buffet style. She expects that shit from now on. That's expensive.

Wow. So where do you meet her? You can't keep giving her the queen princess treatment with all those eggs. No. You're going to have to put your foot down at some point. But they're free range. You've got to remember. They're good.

But yeah, I mean, the situation was just like. Where did you meet this chick? Tinder. Wow. Tinder was out a year ago? Yeah. Time flies. By the way a year ago? Yeah. And time flies. By the way, Tinder has this new offer for $20 a month that lets you go backwards one if you accidentally swipe to the left for $20 a month.

Yeah, over $30 if you've got to pay $20. If you're under $30, it's $10. Yeah, but still. Are you serious? Yeah. Who wants to pay $10 just so you can accidentally go back one? No. Now you can only do so many likes.

What? You can only like so many people, and then you've got to stop, and then you've got to wait 12 hours before you can start liking people. Is that true? How many? I don't know the exact number. I tried to find out. That fucking app is the downfall of this culture.

No, it's great. No, here's why it's not great. It is great. Here's why it's not great, because nobody uses it for what they're supposed to use it for. Which is what? Meeting and fucking. That's what it's meant to be used for. Everybody I meet is like, I met my girlfriend on Tinder.

What the fuck is that? That's how lazy people are now. They're literally like, swipe, swipe. Why haven't I met my Prince Charming yet? Swipe, swipe. Die alone. I love it. Absolutely.

There's so much you can get into, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that she quit her job is almost the third or fourth thing you should be talking about. In fact, you know, it's like your girlfriend's black. That's interesting because you're the whitest motherfucker I've ever met in my life. And you're surprised she doesn't have a job. Yeah. Oh, Jesus, Brian.

There's certain things that you just don't say. Food just ruined comedy. Don't take a bite of food while you're choking, you fucking moron. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really is about just organizing what you want to talk about. And you just were just introduced 19 different premises.

John, let me ask you this. Where are you from? Cleveland. Cleveland, Ohio. Beautiful. Jerry, how fucking dare you, you son of a bitch. I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. What? Oh, alright. Well... Okay. Anyway.

Fuck. John. How long have you been in L.A.? Six years. Okay, anyway, fuck Do you know his ex-wife? John, John, John How long have you been in LA? Six years What have you been doing for work? I've been acting on a show on ABC The Middle, you guys ever seen it?

Oh, congrats, man What the fuck are you doing here? The joke is that only people in the middle of the country Watch this fucking thing And you guys should watch it But dude, why are you a peaceful? The joke is that only people in the middle of the country watch this fucking thing. Whoa. And you guys should watch it. But, dude, why are you doing this? You're on TV.

You made it. Because it's not working out, buddy. Why is it not working out? You're on a TV show. I know, but I fucking hate it. Everybody tells me what to say, how to say it. Okay, I respect that. Put your hands together for John, not selling out.

Yeah, but don't say that because it's a blessing you're on the show. And eventually someday you might not be on a show. But you just want to expand. So I totally understand that. No, I really love stand-up. I never had the balls until I fucking hated acting. Wow, that's amazing. Dude, this game is a shit show, dude.

You don't want to get into this. Stay on network. I will. Fucking up at 3 a.m. in Cleveland eating a Big Mac because you can't get off the show high. Fucking getting drunk with the only waitress that will drink with you. It's fucking miserable. Cleveland does suck, especially during the winter. You should have opened up with I got my own show on ABC and just listen to how many girls would instantly start laughing at everything you had to say.

You could delete your Tinder app. You would just start crushing. Vaginas would just start blooming right there. Yeah. Gotcha. How long has that show been being made? Holy shit. A chick from Tinder nailed a guy who's got a national television show?

No, it's just not. This girl just hit the fucking jackpot of fucking Tinder. She's a nice person. Are you wearing condoms or are you just blasting away in that purple pussy? I wish I drew blanks.

It would be the best. What? No, no, no. I wish I drew blanks. So you're blasting away. So you're going to make this horror story worse. Sam!

He said he's wearing condoms. Calm down. Yo, my football game is fucking strong. Jesus Christ. I'm just trying to say... I feel like we should do an intervention or something. We're talking to him. We're all talking to him.

You're a ranty comic at heart and you're not letting yourself rant. So what you need to do is you need to figure out why you feel the way about these things. What's really bothering you about these things and then get on stage and rant it out and put your anger into it. Put your anger into it. Now don't

be a lunatic. You can't get up like I've been carrying this fucking whore. You can't do that. Right. But like just be put your annoyance into it. Be annoyed not angry. That's what everybody should tell me. I'm a ranty guy. Yeah. But and then when you're not feeling upset about that anymore that's when

you know you move on. You don't care about it anymore. Move on to your next thing. What season is the middle at? Season fucking six. You've been employed for six seasons on an ABC show? Get the fuck out of here. John Gammon, everybody. There he goes. Come back again

soon. I love you, John. You're an amazing person. How do you know I had to kiss your ass? This is crazy. It's amazing. Six fucking seasons on network. He's coming to the attic of the comedy store trying to find himself. Get the fuck out of here. Calm down, Tony. Six seasons and not one person in this room

knew the show, though. But it's ABC Money. That's what's crazy. It's the money. Patricia Heaton stars in that show. That's money. That's a money show. It's the money. Patricia Heaton stars in that show. That's money. Yeah. That's a money show. I loved Patricia Heaton in Birdman. She's not in Birdman.

The producers don't listen to this. And some of you get killed off, dude. That fucking sucked. What was the joke? It was so bad. I won't even repeat it. You love Patricia Heaton in Birdman? It's because Heaton rhymes with Keaton. Anyway, moving on.

It was so bad. rhymes with Keaton. Anyway, moving on. Oh, my God. It was so bad. It was so bad. Oh, my God. You can see him on Carson Daily tonight on ABC. 1.30 in the morning. Me on NBC and John Gammon on ABC. That's what network has come to.

John is at underscore John Gammon on Twitter. Follow him. I have a million followers. He definitely needs to break up with you. You definitely need to break up with your girlfriend, dude. I mean, that's just pain. You're just in pain right now. You should be fucking everything right now.

You don't need it. And I know what you're going through. I hooked up with a black girl once, and I swore it was the warmest vagina that I ever felt. It turned out she just had a flu and I was an idiot. Nothing on that. NBC's Carson Daly tonight, 1.30 in the morning.

That's John Gammon. You fucking sons of bitches. I can't believe you turned the Carson Daly thing into a fucking runner. You asshole Joe DeRosa. Look what you fucking did. I love it. You son of a bitch. Do we have to do everybody in the bucket? No, we don't do everybody in the bucket.

I got nervous, man. Don't get nervous. It's all good. I know, right? Michael Perkinson. That area's killing it right now. We know, Michael. Fuck yeah, I love this guy. Fuck yeah.

You ever had your arm so deep inside a woman, you look her in the eyes, you slowly pull it out and say, I couldn't find the condom. Fuck all of y'all. Fuck, this is already hard. God damn it.

Really? That was a fucking tester? That one went well. I like to leave Cheetos in the street to teach birds about risk and reward I feel like Neil Patrick Harris doing the Oscars God, fuck this

Why is comedy so hard? Fucking light, no? My dryer lets me put the colors in with the whites because my dryer's not a racist. Fuck yeah. The stuff you do in between your jokes is hilarious. It's unbelievable. It's amazing.

It's like completely backwards. It's like his jokes are commercial breaks. In between. In between. In between. I would love just to hear all the middle parts edited together in one album. Just like...

By the way, I think this is what? Your third or fourth time on the show and every time it goes like this and you're one of our favorites. It's unbelievable. You have perfect comedic timing. Your act matches your look. A guy wearing

shorts in March is You come up and you throw the empty cup with confidence, which is my favorite thing that I've ever seen anybody do upon arriving to this stage. Just blatantly taking one last sip of drink because he planned it and then throws it

into a meaningless corner just littering at the... Just floats. Just littering at one of the most, you know, classic comedy clubs in the world. Just, fuck this place. Then after the first joke, you start panicking. Like, the confidence of the guy that throws the empty cup and the confidence that you had after that first joke you start panicking. The confidence of the guy that throws the empty cup and the confidence that you had after that first joke

were like two completely different people. And the fact that you can make that switch in 17 seconds is incredible. I feel like I almost couldn't say anything unfunny enough other than maybe making a Patricia Heaton, Michael Keaton rhyme that would possibly make me lose that much confidence and panic that quickly. But it's great. You're so good at it. I've been doing it for a while.

So when you thought about your act you put together and you said, okay, I gotta open with something that lets them know who I am. And you said, I'm gonna open it up with my fucking classic fist I can't find the condom joke to really set a tempo for this act. What were the other jokes

that maybe didn't quite make the cut to open with? Well, I'm running out of jokes. So I'm trying to keep it new here. You should run from all your jokes, by the way. Was that a true story? Don't be mean. Did you really have to find a condom in your... Like, I fucked a girl's...

I've done it two times. Here we go. I fucked a tampon into a girl once and two days later she got really sick and I had to try to do the same thing. Put my hand in there, try to reach it. Then I got the thing from the oven, the thong thing, and I pinched that little...

It was just like that. That's called saving you. He just took all the fucking tokens from you. Here's what I don't get. Another successful actor comes down to do stand-up. You were so good in Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah. Why waste your time doing this right now?

Super bad rock. Yeah. Are you from Philly? Yeah, why? You look like you should open a restaurant next to Fat Sal's. Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't let it go. I was going there.

Next to Fat Sal's. Keep going. It was this bad before. Keep going. Call it Skinny Joe's. it go. I was going there. Dexter Fatshouse, come on. Keep going. It was this bad before. Keep going. Calling skinny Joes. And then, I don't know, we dress like hipsters. Fuck it. That's a weird.

I don't know. That was bad. You complimented me like that. And by the way, he's done this before. Michael's first time on this show, I lit his ass up. And your second and third time on this show. And when you make fun of him, for some reason he does this weird thing where he goes, oh yeah?

Well you? What? You? Huh? Oh, here we go. By the way, whatever you're about to hear, he's been thinking about for about three weeks. That's when his last appearance on the show was. So here we go, everybody. Let's see. Three weeks of writing. Michael Perkinson's Tony Hinchcliffe Rose joke.

Catch your breath, Michael. Wait, wait, wait. You want to grab your empty cup and toss it again so that you have some momentum going into this? Go ahead, Michael. Tony. Oh, shit. There's the setup.

I've heard that before. Tony, that's right. You sound how Justin Bieber looks. He looks great. What are you talking about? Justin Bieber's notoriously good-looking guy. It's all reverse compliments. I thought he was going to...

He pulled fat cells out of me. I thought he was going to go even fatter something. He goes skinny, Joe, dressing nice, kind of. Pulling around. Do you understand the insults? The saddest thing is I know this guy will be on television within a year. That's exactly what I've always said. He'll probably be on the middle by the end of the month.

I noticed that you wore shoes this week. This is like the first week you didn't wear flip-flops. Because it's fucking cold outside, Brian. Why don't you wear pants? Because I fucking hate pants. You really want to know the truth? Yeah. I'll let you know the truth.

I'm the baby of six boys. All right? Every time I wore pants, I wound up getting pushed down on the ground, wet grass knees all day, and I'm traumatized for life from it. There you go, fucking 4K cameras. How's that look? Want me to go talk to a therapist? John Gambon, can we work something out together?

Like you said, you just did it again your style is incredible like you try to be funny and then when it goes bad you just fucking panic and that's so funny I would almost tell you to write better jokes but you know what man I think that's your fucking thing I think you're the guy

that people are going to go I'm going to take you to go see this guy Michael Perkins it's crazy when you tap into it people are going to go, I'm going to take you to go see this guy Michael Perkinson. We're going to heckle the fuck out of him. It's going to be great. Yeah, he's going to fucking panic. When you tap into it, it's going to be amazing. Because right now you don't know how to tap into this retardedness that you have. I have good days. I kill sometimes.

So you don't wear pants because your younger brothers push you down on the ground and you've got dirty knees. Wet knees. Wet knees. Do you think you're going to get wet knees now? Do you think if you wear jeans right now... I'll still fall down more times than I did then. I like to party, Brian Redband. How about you? You like licking an asshole. I've licked an asshole or two. I'm not fucking shocked. I like you, dude. I do like you. Come on, man. Did I go out tonight thinking I was going to end up licking an asshole?

Same thing with getting wet knees, Brian Redman. I could watch Michael Perkinson bomb all day. Here I go. It's so beautiful. That was funny. It happens and you fucking hate the fact that it happened after you do it. I love that you said that. That's funny.

I'm serious. Write that down. I'm being very serious. Write down licking an asshole. Will you remember any of this tomorrow? Oh, yeah, man. I'm serious. Write that down. I'm being very serious. Will you remember any of this tomorrow? Oh, yeah, man. This is nothing. This is nothing.

I got two more mics. I got two more mics before I just completely black out and fall asleep with a handful of jizz and fucking in and out. Why are you holding the jizz? Why aren't you throwing it? At this point, who gives a shit? It's L.A.

I'm fucking over it. I'm fucking over it. Hey, how's it going, guy? You want to go out? I feel like you and Hayden are going to hang out after the show. Yeah, totally. Oh, dude, wrap it out of the hat. Hayden's gay. Come on, Hayden. Where you at, man? Come on. Come on. I don't know.

He pranced up here like a goddamn fluffy rabbit. Jesus Christ. He's gay. You're like a Chris Farley character. You really are, man. Turn this around. Where's your van? Down by the river? Seriously.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. I like to stick my... Oh my God. Stick my penis. Michael, that's it. You are one of the funniest lesbian comedians I've ever seen in my entire life. There he goes. Michael Perkinson, everybody.

He's on Twitter at MC Perkinson. What? No. I'm a nice guy. No. Here we go, guys. Your final part of the show. We have two lovely young ladies that do a brand new minute each week. We literally, like, every week, they write a new minute.

That's 52 new minutes a year. They're the only comedians that we know that even do that shit. And they do it every week here. We watch them get better and better. And it's always fun. Going up first this week, you know her from the Dysentery podcast. Really fun. She always like, sometimes she'll take a small topic, like an inanimate

object and rant about it and break it down and it's always fun and goofy and wacky. It's the one and only Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is! Hey. Toothpicks. I feel confused by them.

They're overused a lot. They're in a lot of sandwiches. Why are they decorated? Why are they in that frilly thing? It looks like a dress. Who the fuck decided that? I'm not dressing up other inanimate objects. There's not ribbons hanging off my toothbrush.

Why is my toothpick wearing a dress? I'm not putting tinsel on my potato peeler. Why is my toothpick wearing a dress? I don't want it. I don't want to use it to hold shit together, like a sandwich that's not big enough. The only thing it's good at holding is an olive, or like a tea sandwich.

Matter of fact, though, if I'm going to have an olive, I want a toothpick for that. I prefer it. Okay. That's commitment right there. At any point, you could have pulled a Michael Parkinson and gone, oh, fuck.

But you didn't, and I like that. You stayed in the pocket, and you kept trying to knock it out. What happened this week with a toothpick that you're so pissed off at them you've reached your boiling point used a lot stupidly i always find them gross i'm not a toothpick guy i i hate it when i'm hanging out with somebody that in fact has a toothpick like i think it's gross getting stuff out of your teeth in front of somebody and it's sort of weird how casual

it became. See, that's funny. You should be telling the joke like that. You're putting so much of that character on it, but it's ruining who you are. You've been doing coffee shops too long. Seriously, though. If you just came out and you go, I'm sick of seeing toothpicks everywhere. It's bugging me.

All of a sudden now it's funny because there's a perspective on it. Take that character out of it. You don't need that. You seem to have a rage about it, but you express no rage about it. Do you understand? Not that you have to be up here, Louis Black style, ranting, oh, what's up, what's up?

It's like you have to have a little bit. I felt like there should be a little more into your into your dislike of tooth the funniest thing that always happens with your style is when these inanimate objects become humanized or talked about how it affects you in a human way we pretty much just heard about how toothpicks are dressed up and we didn't apply it too much to anything that affects you? Is there somebody that uses a toothpick that you dislike in particular? I mean, I'm a toothpick guy, unlike Tony. So is there a reason? You're a pro-toothpick too?

You guys are both toothpick guys? What's wrong? Why are you not a toothpick guy? I've never heard somebody go, you know, I'm just not a toothpick guy. For what? For picking your teeth, for keeping club sandwiches together, for fucking cleaning out poles and pipes. I believe in

them for the sandwich thing, absolutely. I like toothpicks for that, but to be clearing your teeth publicly, it's just not my thing. Just be you. That's the key. Just be you doing it, because when you're you, you'll get into your real emotion about it, and just be you doing it because when you're you you'll get into your

real emotion about it and then suddenly you'll be if you're approaching it from the idea of this character then it's just everything's gonna be

that's a low ceiling everything's gonna be kept under inside of that voice it seemed like it needed more tags like the dress thing I like

but then you should something else should have happened instead you just dress twice you know it should have been like a prom. Are you, are you kind of this deadpan kind of delivery in life?

Are you always like that? Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm talking right now, like to you guys, so I sound like cool and normal, but like, yeah, that's kind of how I go through life. Okay. But even talking like this, you're still, you're still deadpan. You're still a little monotone, but it sounds natural.

It sounds like who you are. Yeah. This is... This is still good. This works. This is what you should be doing, delivering the joke. Yeah. Yeah.

Instead of just purposely trying to pump the brakes so much. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you need to hit them quite that hard. It's hard as shit. I mean, this is stuff we all still struggle with. It's not an easy thing to do. Day to day, I struggle with drugs and alcohol. Day to day.

Well, I'm pissed because I wanted to talk about how, like, I always feel like it's, like, on the brink of disaster. When you, like, encounter it in your food. Like, you're on the brink of hurting yourself. Like, I'm on the brink of puncturing my mouth and getting a wound. Right. And that's what I wanted to say. Exactly. I've actually done that before Where the top part broke off

And the rest of the toothpick was in the sandwich I didn't know about And I took a bite And I hung it in the top of my mouth It's terrible It's a very sharp object But I still like toothpicks It's made of wood

Toothpicks made of wood Made of wood Well there you go Chip away at. Toothpick's made of wood. Made of wood. Well, there you go. Chip away at it. Toothpick. Sarah Weinshank. It was funny. Do they ever come back?

It's another new minute every week. They have to do a new minute. Can they be like, oh, I did this minute six months ago. Here's how it's worked. They do the minutes that continue to work for them in their other sets that they do that are longer other places. This is just where you get to hear it first. You get to either hear it first

or you hear it last. It works out. They take a new angle or they don't. They've been killing. Your next and final comedian of the night just won her, I believe, fourth or fifth Rose Battle in a row. She's undefeated in Rose Battle. She's undefeated in Rose Battle.

She dropped out of the University of Florida after her first time on stage here on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only, Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Go Gators! Hey guys. I guess I

want to talk about some weird things that I've been thinking about lately One of those is that the Gerber baby just turned 85 Which means she's most definitely eating Gerber again Suicide hotlines for extreme Muslims are just over the phone job interviews every single one of our grandmas

have fucked thank you have fucked. Thank you. And Penny is a really bad name for an orphan. I think I've been thinking of these things because I smoke a lot of weed. But it's always, it's for a medicinal purpose. I have chronic

living. Kimberly Congdon throwing out some quick jabs. I have chronic living. Kimberly Congdon throwing out some quick jabs. I like it. Kimmy, all grown up. I loved the, yeah, that was great. I especially loved the segue of what was it again? It was like,

alright. She was just checking off laughs like it was nothing. Very funny. Thank you. Well written joke. That's not usually how I tell them either. It was interesting because it was nothing. Very funny. Thank you. Well written joke. That's not usually how I tell them either. It was interesting because it was very natural and it just worked well. The problem with that style is now you've got to write a lot of jokes.

But it was funny, man. She usually it's like more on a topic. Usually it's one minute. So I think those will mix well with the other chunks of stuff that you have written. Those are always great to have. It happens to me all the time where you end up writing a four-minute bit

and then a six-minute bit and a two-minute bit, and then all of a sudden you do those bits, and you've had the light for two minutes, and you know you have one minute to wrap it up, and you just ended one thing, and you're like, how do I fucking kill and get out of here in a minute and 15 seconds? You gotta just plow it sometimes. Give me his random thoughts.

Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, it's great. Great work. Well written. Well, well written. Congratulations on your most recent roast battle victory.

What's your record now? 4-0. 4-0, ladies and gentlemen. That's every Tuesday here at midnight. Our sister show. Our good friends over at the Roast Battle, Jeff Ross and Brian Moses, do it every Tuesday at midnight here.

Kimberly. Great job. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Kimberly. Good job. There they are again, the ladies of Kill Tony. That's at Princess Shank on Twitter. That's at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter.

Follow them. Be their fan. They're blowing up. They're going to be huge. When will this come out? They're already hilarious every week. Live right now. Live right now.

But when will it be for download? Streaming right now and download in a couple weeks. What do you want? What do you think? Well, I have a couple dates. I'd like to book. Just go a month ahead. Yeah, go a month ahead.

All right. Well, at the end of the month, probably won't be out by then. I'm at the comic strip in Edmonton the last month. And then second week in April, I will be at the Amazing Laughing Skull. I'm very excited to finally play that club. So if you're in Atlanta, come out and watch me run. I love that. Joe DeRosa's Joe DeRosa comedy on Twitter.

What do you got coming up? I want to plug up sort of a promotion I'm doing. This is absolutely true. a sort of a promotion I'm doing. This is absolutely true. Some people that aren't big fans of mine took the liberty of bringing my album ratings down to one or two stars,

all of them online. Here's what I really want to do right now. Let's go all the fucking way with this. I want everybody to give me the lowest reviews you can. I want to be the lowest rated comedian on the internet. I'm dead serious. No, I'm dead serious. I really want to do this.

The reviews are really fucking funny. Leave crazy reviews about why my albums suck or why I didn't like them. And all platforms, iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, whatever it is. Joe DeRosa, look up the albums. I don't give a shit if you've never even heard it. I love that. And the funniest reviews, I'll get in touch with you, and I'll send you free shit.

Joe, I think you're really funny. Thank you. I thought you killed tonight. Sometimes this crowd didn't get it. Joe DeRosa comedy on Twitter, guys. There you go. Great crowd. Joshua Meyerowitz is at Autistic Thunder on Twitter.

Hilarious. Great job, Joshua Meyerowitz. I'd like to give a special shout-out to 311 and the 311 Cruise, which had me this past week. I had so much fun with all the 311 fans and the band. Such a great time. Can't wait to do that. Everybody should plan for that a couple years from now.

311 Cruise to Jamaica is a lot of fun. Kill Tony 100 is April 13th in the main room of the Comedy Store. Wherever you live, get your airplane ticket now because Bruce Buffer will be there. Guys, the last Death Squad Secret Show was last Wednesday. We had almost 400 people come to the show. It was ridiculous. It sold out. The next one is March 11th.

That's not this Wednesday but next Wednesday. And tickets are on sale right now. And April 1st are the next two shows. That's a real show, April 1st. That's not just a mean April Fool's Day joke. Live audience, thank you for being here. I told you I hated you. I really liked you.

You're all right. You were there at times. Much love, guys. Still not even looking at me, but good night, everybody. We'll see you next time. What a perfect Sunday Yeah, I've done it