KILL TONY - KILL TONY #97

Episode Date: May 6, 2015

Steve Simeone, Rick Ingraham, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 03/16/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe next week are coming to San Francisco May 12th, which is a Tuesday, to the Punchline. And then the following day, May 13th, which is a Wednesday, we're going to be in Sacramento at the Punchline. So May 12th, San Francisco Punchline, May 13th, Sacramento Punchline. So, May 12th, San Francisco Punchline. May 13th, Sacramento Punchline. Check us out.

Go to deathsquad.tv. Click on tour dates for the ticket links or go to the Punchline's website. Tickets are going fast, so get your tickets now. It's one show, one day only. Also, May 6th, which is tomorrow, so you probably already missed this. At the Comedy Store, Death Squad Secret Show returns

with a bunch of people. Natasha Leggero, Sarah Silverman, Joe Rogan, Greg Fitzsimmons, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brody Stevens, Brian Moses, a bunch of people. Check it out if you haven't missed it already. The Comedy Store, it's at 8.30 p.m. in the main room, the Death Squad Secret Show. Don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com,

and check out ShopSquad.tv, which is the official merchandise of the Death Squad store. There's a bunch of mugs and posters. I know there's a lot of stuff that's out of stock, and hopefully some new stuff will be coming soon. So check it out. ShopSquad.TV Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill

Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Yeah! Everybody, we're here for another crazy Monday. I have the one broken chair in the room.

That's great, Josh. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody. The man responsible for everything that you see here. And I get the wobbly chair. Fuck yeah. And better yet, he goes all the way to the back to get another chair. Meanwhile, little does that amazing producer that sets up everything. And we give so much responsibility to know that there's a fucking chair right here.

Josh, too late, buddy. And now he's getting a chair for an invisible audience member. For anybody who wants to sit between two live cameras that you can't touch at all, there's seats right there that we don't want you to sit at whatsoever. Welcome, everybody. Happy Monday to you. It's obviously

a live show. Anything can happen. I'm sitting in one spot now. I'm still. I'm comfortable. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan who just played his heart and soul out for you while you were being seated. The great Pat Reagan. Pat is going to be our

co-host tonight. He's just going to be hanging. He's got his guitar. Want to say hi, Pat? Hey, what's up, guys? You're really concerned that that mic's not going to work, huh? It's a tricky one, huh? You don't believe in the mic. No, it's good.

It's just a different style of mic. This is sort of a mic that you would put on a drum or something. No, actually, that is a musician's vocal singing mic. You should be... Well, you know, Brian, sometimes they have a pop screen in front of you. You hear that pop? I get it. They don't have Radio Shack. There's that Radio Shack. I get it.

So, welcome, Pat. It's fun to have you here. And we're very excited about tonight's show. Catch you up with our lives in the past week. I did the... I wrote for the roast of Justin Bieber, everybody. The biggest roast of all time.

I've been writing on roasts for a few years and it was an absolute blast. Got to meet Justin. I invited him to this week's episode of Kill Tony. And as you could tell, he had other things going on. But it's been an amazing week and I'm very excited about Kill Tony

100, guys. It's happening in the main room April 13th, I do believe. That's going to be insane. Episode 100 of the show that you're at right now is in the main room. Tickets are going fast. So for those of you watching, and hello to the people watching via Ustream right now, the Comedy Store's only streaming show, you're at it right now, everybody. A building that was built in 1932 has live streaming capability now.

So that's some interesting shit. The internet might, well, no, it's not going to be affected whatsoever by what happens here tonight. And we're also doing Vancouver, guys. Yeah, 420 Vancouver. Tickets are going on sale this week, hopefully. That's going to be a lot.

I think we were there last year. It sold out last year when we did a 420 show. Same place, same theater. And we're going to sell it out again. So get tickets for that immediately because that's how we roll. Yeah, and it falls on a Monday. We should probably try to figure out a way to do a Baby Kill Tony there maybe before the show or something. Yeah, we'll figure out something.

So there won't be a show here on 420. Yeah. Anyway. You guys won't remember that anyways. Let's get this puppy started. You guys ready to meet tonight's guests? Oh, yeah, you are. I always have two of my funniest friends come on to talk comedy with a bunch of comedians

and anything can happen. This week, two of my favorites. They've both been on the show before. Two of my favorite comedians who I work with all the time. Two of my favorites to watch. Two of every comedian's favorites to watch. Put your hands together for them. It's Steve Simone and Rick Ingram, everybody. It's going to be a good one tonight. I know when I book this thing perfectly. That's what it's come to, is now I'm like a fucking chemist, and I know that if I get the right two people up here together, this is what we would call

good cop and bad cop, I do believe. Steve notoriously one of the nicest, most smiley, happy family figures and Rick is... Hold up, that's not my reputation. The dark lord of everything evil. So it's going to be fun watching you two bump elbows

tonight. Welcome back, guys. Thanks, man. What did you think of Pat Reagan's performance earlier? I loved it. How about you, Rick? I don't think guitars and comedy should go together. Oh. You know, and that is something a lot of people think. A lot of people believe that.

I mean, if we got them, maybe there's a guitar comedy duo. You could talk directly to me, Rick, if you're talking to me. Well, we were actually talking about you, not to you. Just for the record. I have a reputation to uphold, sir. Yes. Right out of the gate with that.

Yeah. Pat, how you doing? Are you falling asleep on that mic? What's going on over there? I'm good. I woke up at 4 p.m. today. I had some cupcakes. Yes. And I'm good. I woke up at 4 p.m. today. I had some cupcakes. Yes.

And I'm good. Oh, this motherfucker. Right. You want to tell the crowd? I have type 1 diabetes, motherfucker. You don't look like it. The only thing he hates more than comedians with guitars is comedians with guitars with cupcakes. Which, by the way, sounds

like the worst spin-off of Seinfeld's show ever. The best podcast of all time. Comedians with guitars. Everybody in Silver Lake would watch that. I'm so excited about tonight's show. Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do one minute

in front of us. Pat, do you have any questions for our guests? Is there anything that you've always wondered about these two, by the way? Normally the co-host always asks one question. Yeah, for Rick. Rick, how does having a negative attitude affect your day-to-day life?

Well, probably in the best way. I mean, I wake up every day knowing that other people are shit. you know, from, it's pretty much spend all day going, nailed it again. It was exactly as expected.

So yeah, it's a good thing. How about for Steve? You have a question for Steve? Yeah, I got a question. Hey Steve, if you could have any other first name, what would it be? Larry. Wow! I love that name. You would it be? Larry. Wow. I love that name. You do.

You had that so ready. Is that the Three's Company reference? Like a creepy Larry? Dude, there's never been a Larry that wasn't up for laughs. That was so quick. What about Larry from U2? I don't even know there was a Larry. I think there's a Larry.

It's Bono, Edge, Larry. Larry's one of those names, it seems like no matter what you do, you don't have your shit together. If your name's Larry, like, Larry, I'm sorry. Larry lost his keys again. Oh, Larry. That's a great name. Well, let's jump into it.

Like I said, over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do one minute of uninterrupted stage time. And then we talked to them afterwards. Comedians, you know your minutes up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww. That's adorable. That means wrap it up then,

or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yeah, we still do that. So don't run your time. you go there's a little something for you podcast listeners with headphones on that complain every fucking week every week fuck you they tag me in your

complaints you don't need to tag me in those that's directly Redband he's the only one with his hands on the board when that happens so leave at Tony Hinchcliffe out go straight at Redband for you complaining bitches there you go. There you go. Because it's a podcast. Plays great in the room.

It's great for working out. Just like falling off the treadmill. There's people in the office that complain. Every day people are tweeting their complaints about you and that fucking soundboard. But we love you guys. Thanks for listening. And here we go. Over 30 comedians signed up, and your

first comedian doing a minute tonight goes by the name of Rob Hanson. Yes. Rob Hanson getting up very slowly, whispering something into his friend's ear from up in the balcony. This is very exciting.

Taking his time. I love it. Got nothing but swagger. Here he is. Rob Hanson, everybody. Yeah. Hey, what up? I'm Rob my fucking Hanson.

How we doing? It's not a name. It's a fucking attitude. I'm new to L.A. I'm 27. I'm going to CSUN, going to Cal State North Ridge. And I've never felt older in my life because I live at school, covered by 19-year-olds.

The place is sponsored by yoga pants. I mean, if you thought about going to college, go to college. Your dick will thank you. It will write you a letter in the mail. Just keep going, buddy. Just keep going you a letter in the mail. Just keep going buddy, just keep going, you're doing so good. Just stretch that four years into five okay? All my friends were telling me that it's gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel living in school. But it's not true. I underestimated the power of a beard. It's

like the fucking trash compactor on the Death Star. Fucking walls are coming in, and all of them bitches getting smashed. There you go. Straight to the bear on that one at a minute and four seconds. Rob. Fuck, yeah. So are you saying that you are getting pussy or you're not getting pussy? I don't even understand what you're saying.

Very confusing. You can still fuck the smash pushy. It's okay. It's okay. I still don't know. Yeah, I mean... Bad joke. I have a girlfriend.

There, you just got bonus points on that. Congratulations. That's never happened on the show, that sound. So, I mean, you did something special. I don't know what he offered to buy me a drink earlier. Yeah, that's right. How long have you been doing comedy for? Like six months or so.

I've done like two open mics. Get right into that microphone. That's number one. I had turned you up to 11. Yeah, he's up to 11 right now. Damn, thank you. You have a soft voice, huh? I'm so scared. I'm so scared right now. Man, you're not that funny.

Thank you. Wait, what was that, Steve? You're going to make that noise? You're going to make that noise sitting next to me? We're just getting warmed up, Steve. Come on. He sees the effort. I love your style, Rob. My favorite part of that

entire thing is when you said, hey, if any of you are thinking about going to college, you should go. You realize that most of the people that you'll always be performing in front of at a stand-up comedy club either have gone to college or at least have already committed to their decision of not going to college. Are you planning on doing a lot of high schools or something?

Like where a joke where Motivational speaking, for sure. That sounds good. Go to college for the pussy. But I have a girlfriend. She goes to UCSB. What does she think about you comparing your beard to a trash compactor

on the Death Star? By the way, Death Star references in general, such a good way to get pussy. Right. Totally. Just really let the girl know you have no idea what you're doing with the vagina. Almost automatic. Specific Star Wars scene.

Well, that one keeps going on. It's like I talk about C-3PO ain't gonna save you and even the... Dryer pussies by the second. Do you do any comparison to that one pit with all the tentacles that comes out at all? I do the comparison with the snake thing with the little eyeball that pops up.

It's like even he's getting pussy. All right, I can feel the people turning off their iPods right now. Rob, where are you from? From the Central Coast, from San Luis Obispo. Oh, I've been there before. Yeah. How long have you lived in L.A.?

Like six months, something like that. I've been going to CSUN since August, so I can't do math. Seven months, something like that. What do you want to graduate with? What do you want to do? Doing television, trying to do TV producing. Perfect.

This town is in need. Yeah, for sure. No doubt about that. Getting television right at this point. This is a good time to get into TV also, by the way. That was sarcasm. Well, I mean.

The goal is to do business, to try to be make my money on the golf course. That's the goal. You might get a chance to do that since you're probably going to be riding a lawnmower for the rest of your life You're definitely going to be making money on a golf course, I don't know if it's the way that you... Be the most successful Northridge graduate of all time

Yeah, exactly Thank you so much I'm sure it's going to be one fancy golf course, man Pat, any thoughts about Rob over there? What are you thinking about? Did you say your dick will dank you? Oh, well, that too. Your dick will dank you.

It'll write you a handwritten letter in the mail. You had a couple of interesting, it seemed like you're doing these Pauly Shore kind of phrases, but they're your own and they don't make any sense. It is nice. Pauly Shore kind of phrases, but they're your own and they don't make any sense. It is nice. You said the school is covered by girls. Your dick will

thank you. It almost seemed at a couple points like he had a pre-planned this is where the laughter is going to be. And then afterwards it's like we'll edit it in later. I think you did a really good job. I'm the Paula Abdul person of this panel.

No, you're not. Steve Simone's sitting on fucking nothing but compliments over here. I mean, you've only been doing comedy six months. You really have to find your voice. You need to listen to yourself do comedy. If you don't do it already, because it would be interesting for you to sit there and go, that's funny. If you really do that, already, because it would be interesting for you to like sit there and go, huh, that's funny.

If you really do that, then just quit comedy right there. But Steve, Steve, say what Brian just said in a better way. No, I agree with Brian. I mean, six months in your personal. You talked about your life. You had a Star Wars reference and a dick joke on a minute. That's pretty good start. My only advice. Right.

Dick joke, personal Star Wars and under a minute, that's a pretty good start. My only advice, right? Dick joke, personal, Star Wars in under a minute. And I think right now your focus is just learning on how to get laughs, but I would recommend just being more you. Like if you're doing a whole joke about banging college chicks and then the first thing you tell us is that you have a girlfriend, talk about your girlfriend and what she thinks of you in college surrounded by those

girls or what you really think just get more honest I guess is what I'm saying yeah I'm sure she'd appreciate that yeah definitely it gets to a point when you you do like a fake story where it's almost uncomfortable to do as a comic and when you hit that point you'll get you understand it more but I used to do the same thing like oh yeah I came home this guy was on my porch and I made up this whole thing. It's like lying, almost. And you can kind of tell when you're a liar.

So it's harder. No, no, it's harder. Like anyone, if someone's lying to you, it's a little bit harder to tell. But this audience could easily pick up if it's not true or not. Compared to, if you're telling a real story and you're excited about it, you can find a way to put tags in it, then they're going to believe you more and be on board more instead of like, ah, this didn't happen.

So what he's saying is don't tell stories about getting pussy. Yeah. Tell the truth. Talk about the dick shit. Top Gun, Iceman, huh? Rob, how long have you been with your girlfriend? Three years, actually. Do you have any material about her?

Not really, actually. been with your girlfriend uh three years actually do you have any material about her um not really actually like um it's hard to think of funny about your relationship when you want to respect it but um that's not true yeah well maybe when you're lying to yourself i guess yeah uh-huh all right well how's that going do you guys live together oh it's going well uh we lived together for like a year and a half and she goes to ucsb now and i go to yes to csun and uh where's that going? Do you guys live together? It's going well. We lived together for a year and a half, and she goes to UCSB now, and I go to CSUN. Where's that at? How far is that? Middle of the valley. It's maybe an hour and a half. How often do you guys get to see each other? Every two weeks, something like that.

So pretty often. Still pretty often for being that far apart. All right. Well, great. Well, Rob, I guess that's it, huh? Well, thank you very much. Six months, huh? Well, thank you very much. Six months, huh? Where do you perform at? Open mics at the school, and that's about it so far. Wait, so you're at the college telling people they should go to college?

Right, yeah. Rob, best of luck, buddy. Thank you, guys. Rob Hanson. He's on Twitter you, guys. Rob Hanson. He's on Twitter at Rob MFN Hanson. He really is committed to that Rob motherfucking Hanson thing, and that is not good. But it goes perfectly with your trucker hat and half beard,

so that's exactly what we would expect from you, Rob. He's a soft-spoken guy for being sort of lumberjack-y, you know? Yeah. I liked him in all the not-liking kind of ways. Do you guys remember anything that you did when you first started out stand-up comedy-wise that you can't believe that you did

or said or anything like that? Were you just always amazing, Rick? Yeah, I was just killer from day one. When I started, I did impressions, which is just as embarrassing as humanly possible. Right. What was your main ones?

Just pretty much anything that Will Ferrell was doing at the time. I just kind of ran with that. And just, you know, was crushing the Kansas City comedy scene, which it's like L.A., New York, Kansas City. Those are the big three. It's like L.A., New York, Kansas City. Those are the big three. So I moved out here after doing comedy for like a year and a half, and pretty much everyone at the comedy store was like,

you've got to stop doing that shit. It's fucking terrible. So, yeah, I stopped doing it, and my career has been awful ever since. Steve, how about you? The most embarrassing one I can think of was when I was a kid, I remember watching a Howie Mandel special. I thought it was hilarious. And he told this joke about smearing a candy bar in his hand and then going to a bathroom stall and putting his hand and going,

I'm out of toilet paper over here. So I saw that when I was like 11 or 12. So I did it to a teacher at a middle school dance. Like Mrs. Chandler. Oh, my God. Yeah, I came out of the bathroom. I dance like I Mrs. Chandler yeah my god yeah I came out of the bathroom I was like Mrs. Chandler we're out of toilet paper and then I licked my hand and she was like Jesus right because I was like a chubby fat kid that just wanted attention so then so then before I got to the comedy store I probably was on stage 20 times and four or five

out of the 20 my big closer was telling that story, but I would smear the candy bar on my head. No, it was so bad. I'd be like, Oh shit, I got to go buy a candy bar. I think go out on stage.

Did you ever forget a candy bar and use something else? No, no, it was terrible. All right, let's go back to the bucket. Now we know more about, uh,

about our panel. Whoa. We know this guy. This is a guy from Mississippi. He's from the South. How he sounds and acts, it's really him. Put your hands together for him. It's Eric Carter. Oh, yeah.

We've seen him grow over the past year. This guy, he's a free bird. Michael P.S. Mondays. But being a southern man that knows how to live off the land, I get a laugh when I'm in these coffee shops out here, and I hear these hipsters talk about,

I'm going camping. I'm going camping. We're going out in the canyons. Bull fucking shit. You ain't fooling me. The closest these little peckerheads came to camping was overdosing at Coachella. But being a southern man living in L.A., there ain't no better place for me to live than a gay community that is the truth they're clean they got nice shops they're all rich I mean like they ain't gonna want to mug me they don't want to steal a flannel shirt it's a gay community not a lesbian

one but you know there's pros and cons. Some of the cons is there's certain things I can't say in a southern accent out here. Like, I can't refer to non-white males as boys. I can't compliment a girl's mouth or her smell. Wow, Eric Carter with the look. Good job, buddy. Look at the look on his face. Oh, my God.

Somebody's been practicing that minute in the mirror. Jesus. Holy shit. God, your heart is a rock, too. What the fuck? I'm just ready. You got him to look. That's a fabulous free bird right there.

You really got him to look like he thought his dick could have been hard. My dick's working again. Bam. Eric, that was awesome. That was your best set you've ever done on Killers. Thank you. That's amazing. Thanks. Yes. I can talk in a microphone.

Hell yeah. It just has been a minute since I've been on here. Will you please talk for the rest of this in that voice you were doing earlier? Which one? The guys in the hill voice. The rest of them. No, I can't do that.

You're the only person on this entire show with a funny voice and of course Brian tells you to sound like everybody else. It's amazing. Stick with that white trash billy goat fucking thing you got going on. Please, because it's gold for podcasting. Rick, what do you think about this specimen?

Well, I know the gentleman, so that makes me enjoy it a little bit more. But as dumb as he sounds, one of the smarter people you'll meet. He's the only guy from Mississippi who can read, as far as I can tell. He knows history. It's always crazy. But what I do like, you have pro wrestler attitude when you're telling comedy. You were literally picking out what dude in the audience you were going to kick the fuck out of. With jokes.

It was like a promo. It was a promo. Yeah. Very intense. I enjoyed it. It was like a promo. It was a promo. Yeah. Very intense. I enjoyed it. Thank you. I don't remember why I haven't watched wrestling, one of my earlier memories. Wrestling.

It's so good. I was about four years old. Holy shit. I remember my brothers and my cousins watching wrestling. I just remember the Warriors shaking the ropes. Sure. And that was one of my first memories. And then from there on, you know, we got SummerSlam on VHS.

God, that's beautiful. He means right now. You're my favorite mammaries. Rasslin' mammaries. Now, when you say mammaries and Rasslan, you've got to know you're doing that, right? Doing what? I mean, you're overdoing it, right? What are you saying that I'm doing?

Listen, look at you. I ain't overdoing shit. That's how I talk. So you go on a date. Wait, wait, look at you. I ain't overdoing shit. This is how I talk. So you go on a date. Wait, wait, wait. You just turned it up a little bit. We all just saw you turn it up 10%. No, I'm cotton mouth right now.

What are you talking about? I'm cotton mouth, and it's back to my voice. So you go on a date. You don't turn it down a little. You just go full on like, hey, welcome. We're going to go to the Applebee's. Yeah, because going on a date is like performing in front of people you know this is actually I mean but like do you when you're when you're with a girl like on a date do you how do you talk what's it what would you like pretend

like you're on a date I'm not gonna tell like I'm on a day you're paying pretend like come on you could pretend it's okay we're performing right now Eric say that me and you were out at a dinner date. How would you talk to me? I'm a beautiful girl. I'm a beautiful girl. Talk to me. What's your name? Thank you so much. My name is Tanya. I'm so glad that you brought me to Applebee's. So what do you do for work?

What's your life like? Thank you for asking, Tanya. I'm a successful comic. I've been featured on it. Well played. Yeah. I mean, at that point, he's getting a blowjob at Applebee's.

You know what I mean? Two for 20 and an appetizer. I hope you don't mind if I suck your dick for the rest of this night. Thank you for asking. That's the least you can do. The ladies never ask those questions, so I mean, you found a good girl with Tanya.

She cares about you. That's exciting. It's not just what you do. Where would you take Tanya after the where would you invite me afterwards? So, boy, that sure was a delicious meal. Thanks for paying for half. So, what do you want to do after this?

We're going to go to El Segundo. I guess you could play that song after anything, and it's funny. We're going to go to El Segundo, straight into Jamboree. El Segundo. Oh, what are we going to do in El Segundo. Oh, what are we going to do in El Segundo? Oh, I'm so excited. Please answer my question.

You're making me nervous. Oh, that's when the fireworks are going to go off. You know, that's when we're going to make some babies. Damn. Okay, well, I guess... Hear that guitar?

That's the cue. That's when the going gets good. You know what I mean? Okay. So you'd really say that to a girl? Go make some babies in El Segundo? Absolutely. It works every time.

How often does that work? About 11 out of 10. Damn. All right. Mr. Shippy Mathematics. It's on fire right now. Damn. All right. Mr. Shippy Mathematics. He's on fire right now. Okay. I don't even

know what the I feel like I could ask you anything and it's going to kill right now. Well, ask away. What do you

want to do? I didn't even ask a question. So good. You want to go to Ace Hardware or something? Am I going to

go to Lowe's? He's got the kind of pride that makes you think the South won the Civil War. Which is really exciting. We learned a different version in my school. Now, you're from real. I mean, it's very clear you're a real Mississippi guy. Born and raised. Were you raised on a farm?

Were you born in a barn? a farm? Like, is that... Were you born in a barn? No. No, I was raised... It was like a bunch of old family land, like, between all of us, about 500 acres. So we just raised out there

in a small town. Did you have animals? Yeah. Like what? Dogs, chickens, goats, horses. Which one did you fuck? Which one didn't you fuck? I'm gonna guess the horse

You know what happens in Mississippi stays in Mississippi You know you can't Interesting Did you ever think Do you think you had any relatives that hooked up with an animal ever? Maybe Other than their sister I think it's important to remember that

In Mississippi they probably aren't fucking animals because they're not related to the animals well the good thing about Mississippi and this show is that I can say anything that I want about Mississippi because they have no idea what a podcast is and they have not gotten the internet yet well once they find out

their own son is out there killing it this is going to probably be the first podcast they get. Successful comedian. Maybe that's going to happen. Maybe there's some kind of comedy show on CMT that you can get into. Maybe you could do some kind of blue-collar comedy thing. I don't give a shit. Just bring it.

What? I'll do it. I don't care, CMT. I bet you will. How do you make money now? I work at a Mexican restaurant at a City Walk. Camachos. Get the fuck out of here.

Wow. What are you doing at this Mexican restaurant? I'm a food runner. I ran nachos at Bobby Lee one night, and he said the same thing. He's like, you fucking work here? I said, yeah. He was with some broad with big tits. All right.

Well, stick with my questions. Don't throw Bobby under the bus. I'm sure it was Bobby's girlfriend. Let's move on. Oh, sorry. And I'm sure Bobby just wants people to know that he eats at the Camacho's at City Walk. Can you imagine, though, just someone walks out with that accent? Hey, here's your nachos.

No, it's great. You want extra cheese. The Latinos love me. They really do because there's two gringos that work up there, me and this guy from Utah. Because you're under them in the whole hierarchy of the food pyramid. They're laughing at you. You're like the reverse Barack Obama of busboys. They're like, we can't believe.

Well, they don't have that accent. But yeah, you are white as fuck. So you're a busboy. No, I ain't a busboy. Just run fucking food. That's it? That's it. You're a food runner.

That's it. So you're the guy that's responsible for carrying food to a table. After the chef makes it in a sterile environment, they put it in your hands. All right, which one of you motherfuckers got the cake cones? Oh, shit. How long have you been working there? Since the beginning of February. Has anything crazy happened there?

No. Well, they've been teaching me Spanish. They came up with some Spanish teaching me Spanish. Like, and they came up with some Spanish names for me. Like what? They called me, like, El Gringo Loco

or El Diablo Blanco. Anything else for Eric Carter, guys? Anything you want to say to this guy? I mean, that's the greatest luchador name I've ever heard.

Yeah. El Diablo Blanco. Si. Si, si, senor. Hey, Eric, do you want to do the Death Squad show Friday at the Ice House? Hell yeah! Wow, look at that. One of the lucky ones. He actually got a gig out

of this. You killed it, dude. Great job. Eric Carter, everybody. He's on Twitter at CallMeEC. Holy shit. You killed it. Other comedians, please hold all fist bumps and handshakes until forever. There you go.

Pat, what do you think about Eric Carter? I mean, he is a real something else. I was looking at his pants and his shoes, and it looked like you woke up at the crack of dawn and farmed, and then came here. That was my observation. Yeah, it does seem that way. He's a real... He's a real working dude.

That's interesting. But that's Camacho's. Camacho's. On the pants and shoes. You know, it makes me really want to go there just to see him. I know. I mean, like, get stoned one afternoon and just sit there and be like, look at this.

I remember seeing a comic. People probably get stoned one afternoon and just sit there and be like look at this. I remember seeing a comic, people probably don't know who he is anymore, but I went to a Chipotle one time and Skeezy was fucking chopping steak. Get the fuck out of here. Oh my god. It was just like eight Mexican dudes and Skeezy and you could tell they were definitely. Explain to who

Skeezy is. Skeezy is a white dude from East St. Louis who, you know, he's as black as someone could be personality wise and he raps like bone thugs in harmony but he is white as fuck yeah it's very uncomfortable a funny thing about him is like he's extremely uh either he you know i feel either. I feel like all comedians are bipolar to a certain semi-controlled way. But Skeezy is hilarious to everybody that knows

him because he's a guy that will literally go from, we're going to do this, man. We're going to fucking make it. We're going to be on everything forever. We're going to be huge stars. And then 10 seconds later, he'll go to the restroom and come back. And he'll just be, man, I'm telling you, I can't believe it. It's really hilarious.

You see the toughest, toughest fucking rapper thug friend just crying more than anybody else back and forth. Did he punch you one time? Yeah, he punched me in the face. Really? Yeah. Only time I was me in the face. Really? Yeah. Only time I was punched in the face here. Like, did it hurt? No. No.

But he did get me with an interesting upper head butt. It didn't hurt here. He got me right under the chin, but when my teeth clanked I had a dental implant at the time. I had chipped my tooth on a scooter when I was a kid. And the next day, that fell out, which was a real problem.

Yeah, when I was a little kid one time, this is how white trash I was. I could have turned out like Eric Carter, fun fact. Like, I could have. Had my mom given the fuck up, I totally could have been Eric Carter. Did you just make that noise again, Steve? Let them make it. I can't have you making it right next to me. Steve.

Before we started, he was like, so what's the deal? They do comedy and then we just give them advice? I'm like, yes. Yes, that's what we do. Steve, are you ticklish? No. Get out of here. He's laughing.

Get out of here. He's laughing. Get out of here. Guys, one more time for Eric Carter, everybody. Let's move along to our next person. This is so fun. All right. Put your hands together for Rodney Peterson. Oh, yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Well, hey, I didn't really expect you to get called up, but cool. Microphone is out. Okay, hi. I didn't really expect to get called up here, but cool. I don't know how funny I'll be. I'm probably not going to be funny at all, but I'll just relate to you some information of sorts. If you've seen the commercials on sports and so on,

you know the cartoons where they're taking on toenail fungus and it looks like they're really taking it to town? It's called Jublio, that medication. Well, this is Jublio. And this is $479. What? $479. This will last you one month for one toe, and you need to use it for 48 weeks.

So basically, it's like six grand a toe times the number of toes, and as an added bonus, you have a 22% chance it'll actually work. So. He's killing himself. He's like, am I killing? actually work so it will work somewhat half the time according to their own research so it's just uh wow randy peterson everybody wow unbelievable Randy Peterson everybody wow unbelievable this guy's first of all probably the best prop comic

I've ever seen and I'll also tell you by far out of all the mad scientists I've ever seen do comedy he's number one out of everyone who ever played a Nazi in an Indiana Jones movie, this guy.

Definitely, though. Your face melted when they opened that thing, didn't it? You got him. Actually, yeah. I've always had difficulty with talking to people personal and in groups.

How long have you been on stand-up? I haven't done stand-up at all, really. This is your first time? A long, long time ago, I used to do it. His first time? Wait, what? A long, long time ago, I used to do it. How long ago?

Oh, God. The 80s, the 90s. How long did you do it for? Not very long. How long? It wasn't successful. I couldn't talk to people. How long?

How many times do you think? A dozen. Wow. So this is your first time since the 80s. Basically, it's the first time I've been on a microphone since I've been on the radio. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

Wait, you're on the radio? Yeah, I've been in Top 40 in several markets. All right. Are you on the mic? Yeah. Can you bring up a song? Give us a bumper. Play a song, sure.

How about we play the song, what we were just playing, Elvis Costello Radio Radio. So why don't we do that? You want to give us a little intro and we'll roll into it? How do you want to do this? What's your DJ name? DJ Rodney Peterson? You know, or whatever. Yeah. I mean, it depends on the station. Depends on the format. If it's top 40 or... Can you say, you know, live from Kill Tony,e-ba? Sure. Alright, but how about this? We're going back from a commercial. I can't be me! Alright. Alright. Live from

the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip, it's the Kill Tony Show. And we'll kick things off with Elvis Costello and Radio Radio. And we'll have a bunch of comics for you and all kinds of cool shit. Hang around, because it's going to be a lot of fun for you and all kinds of cool shit and hang around because it's gonna be a lot of fun are we talking about CB radio yeah

you just lost out on the job to Eric Carter I can do things more like it's W LS 79 degrees in Chicago and one tin soldier from Kevin coming your way Rodney you're such an interesting guy. What do you do for fun? What's your story? He looks like the bitter beer commercial guy. Actually, I work in music, and that's why I say that... Is your name...

Pat? You're really good. Yeah, yeah, we'd love to have your music on our site. We have like a 5,000 artists All you have to do is get a top 40 hit, Pat, and they'll totally play it. Actually, I work in music licensing and music publishing, and I work with some really talented people. Like who? And also comics.

Drop some names. They're mostly people you haven't heard of or they're people you have heard of. Well, all right, Rodney. Let's talk about this foot fungus thing because not only did you freak me the fuck out with this. Yeah. Is this real numbers? One, like, I mean, there has to be an alternative to this. And two, how bad is your fungus?

And can we see it? No, Jesus. Brian, come on. Brian, he's rocking what appear to be dress socks and Tevas. Wow. Because you got to air out the boys. It's a lot more comfortable that way, and it's really not that bad. I mean, you know, the worst thing that happens is they take toenails off,

but they're going to do that anyway. Oh, that is fucking disgusting. I do not want to talk about this. What I liked is the first 15 to 20 seconds while he was up there, he just kept taking things out of his pockets. It was, like was very uncomfortable. I was like, what the fuck else does he got in there? Out of everything that he was taking out,

I can't believe that the prop was really the actual fucking medicine. A lot of people brag about having things worth money, but to pull out the toenail fungus. That's like an iPhone in your hand right now. That's the same's like an iPhone in your hand right now. I mean, that's the same. No, no. I mean, that's the same price as an iPhone, that little piece of medicine that you have right there. Yeah.

Now, have you tried just, I mean, to add to that joke, you could pretty much almost say, like, hey, this medicine costs so much money, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'd rather just chop off my feet or something like that. There you go. You could do the old chop off my feet misdirect. You're talking about thousands of dollars. His smile is amazing. It's a very genuine smile. It almost screams, I molest child molesters.

I'll tell you what the deal is. He's a child molester molester. He fights for justice amongst every. He's the superhero molester molester. He fights for justice. He's the superhero of child molesters. He molests the molester. I'm just trying to be more social. My job is totally on the internet, so I work with a lot of really talented people,

but it's never in person, unfortunately. Wait. Let's stick with this molester molester thing for a little bit longer. I don't know where you're taking us, but do you have a big truck that has a ramp to where you get the whole molester van, and you have it drive up in your truck, and it just closes, and you walk in the back, and you say... That sounds pretty old school from the sound of it.

For someone that works in the radio, I've never seen somebody talking to the side of a microphone like that before. It's been a long time. You're like, I might make it sound like I'm on the other side of the room. I'm in the back room. Oh, here we go. Okay, cool. Yeah. It's one of those things where it's, like, very important.

Radio 101, you know. All right. Well, Rodney, what else? What are your goals? What do you hope to do? Is this, like, did you just try this? What made you hope to do? Did you just try this? What made you sign up tonight? I'm really more interested in behind the scenes. I don't think I'm funny.

What made you sign up for the show tonight? I wanted to get a chance to hopefully meet more people and talk to people, hand out business cards, things of that nature. So you're for politics. You got to do the first part. And I think we should really tell the internet, if you guys know anything about this medicine that he's using,

if you have a healthy alternative that would be better. You can't spend your money on that shit, man. Seriously, have you tried gasoline? Have you tried everything possible? Rodney, don't take this the wrong way. Just dip them in bleach. Cheese grater.

Rodney, have you tried maybe taking some of the moisture from your lips and putting them on your toenails? That's a really good idea. Opposite effect. There's almost an abundance of lip moisture. Seriously, Vagisil probably would work also. Probably would.

Better than this stuff, I imagine. He's the only guy I know whose chin reaches the same level as the nose in terms of extension from face. Rodney, you're the nicest guy at the comedy store. You're nicer than Steve. Yeah. You guys want to have a nice-off? Can you guys have a nice battle?

Let's do this. Come on, Steve. Say something nice to him, and then you say something nice back until one of you runs out. Come on, say something nice. I thought you did great, and you accomplished your goals.

You did. It was a win. Hey, you look great considering the turtleneck and everything. Damn. Oh no, he didn't. Oh no. He's not wearing a turtleneck. He's not even wearing a turtleneck.

Whatever it is. I was trying to cover it up for him. I was trying to lean in. Maybe they'll think I have a turtleneck. Just lean down. The poor guy doesn't know the difference between a v-neck and a turtleneck. Just let him get the win. We don't know what kind of turtles he's seen.

That's all I'm saying. He had a stock turtleneck joke that he wanted to do so bad that he did it on somebody that didn't have a turtleneck. That was amazing, Rodney. Sell your stock on that one, guys. Hey, man. You know, I think it's super cool that you have social anxiety or whatever and that you signed up for the show. And it was a ballsy move.

And I'll tell you this, whether it was on accident or on purpose, you did a hell of a job up here. And I think everybody really liked it. Thank you. Rodney Peterson, everybody. There he goes. Get his business card, fellas. There you go. Straight back to obscurity for Rodney

Peterson, everyone. He just proves that no matter what, a leather jacket always looks cool. Yeah. Always. He doesn't have a Twitter, but you can follow him on Instagram at rockandrollrodney. Yeah. Follow him on Instagram.

And if you're a 12-year-old girl, he's probably already following you. Or boy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to leave the boys out. Don't exclude some people. I'm sure he spreads the love. Oh, God.

This is fun. You guys having fun tonight? Crazy Monday. A lot of talent out there. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like somebody I haven't seen before. Michael Grepp, everybody. Yeah.

Here we go. Michael Grepp. Michael Gurek. How you guys doing? So for me, I feel like I need to put myself in a position of power to really connect with women, and I would take advantage of it. So if I was a college professor, what I would do is, you know, I'd hit on one of my students, but you don't want the really smart ones. You don't want the really stupid ones. You want one that's kind of like middle ground, like she's borderline.

She's almost failing. And I'd pull her aside and say, you know, I looked at you in this class. You know, Kathy, your grades are just, you know, you're almost going to fail in this class. And I want to give you something. I want you to get something in this class. And it looks like you're going to get a D. But the thing is, Cathy, you're going to like this D. This is going to be the best D you're ever going to get in college. You know, start to unbutton my pants and be like, what do you think about that D? How

do you think? And that's what I would do. That's why I'm not a college professor. So. That's all I got. Wow. You know, I just want to start by saying the comedy scene at CSUN is obviously... I was worried about doing that because I'm like,

we can't have multiple college bits tonight. I figured you guys were on tour together or something. We're going to tour elementary schools. Listen guys, this is something I have to look forward to. You're the reason I'm not gay. He's got the haircut of a great looking guy in 1997.

That felt very uncomfortable. We all knew where the joke was. When you did do the joke and you continued to do the joke, it was just uncomfortable like we were being slowly raped. We know that, Brian. Everybody saw that. That's the point. It's about molesting. Was that your goal?

To molest someone? Let's go back to your hair for a second. All right. Do you still listen to Soundgarden? I never know I never I never listen. You never did This is just not getting a haircut. It's not it's not a haircut. It's just not having one That's that's what you didn't get a haircut That's just I haven't you know, when's the last time you got a haircut like six months ago once I got fired from my regular job What was that job? I did finance international trade consulting.

You did what? I did consulting in international domestic trade. Why are you going to college? No, you're not. If I were to be a college professor, I would molest my students by talking to them about grades in the context of my penis.

I don't know. Oh my god, that did not just happen. Am I out of line? Where did I fail to communicate that? I guess that's what I'm trying to understand. Your mission at a comedy club is to make people laugh and be happy, not for people like Jesus Christ, dude.

But you know what? Maybe you could be that guy. You know what I mean? Have you seen this guy that's so terrible it's great? And people will be like, oh, yeah, I think I heard of him. One thing I like is his hand gestures are like someone who's never acted before. I'm into financial trade consulting. There was a very honest moment that got a laugh.

Like tying back to what I was trying to tell the first guy, there was a point honest moment that got a laugh. Like tying back to what the first guy, I was trying to tell the first guy, there was a point we all knew, you knew it wasn't going well. Like I'm not saying that to be a dick, but you like did your bit, and then you were like, you had like an oh shit look on your face.

And like, because you thought, and then everybody started to laugh, and then when you were like, that's all I got, and boom, it blew, because everybody knew the honesty. I wasn't expected were like, that's all I got. And boom, it blew because everybody knew the honesty. I wasn't even expected to be called up. So I was so out of it.

Why do people sign up and then go, I had no idea. Right. We didn't write your name down, right? You wrote it down. It's not the same. This is to not go up tonight. Perfect. What?

It's the anxiety of the process of thinking that there's the opportunity. There's a chance. What are you doing with that hand? Do you always do that? Where are you from? From Ohio, man. Oh. That's where we're from.

Cleveland. I'm from Youngstown, and I've never seen anybody do that before. I'm from 40 minutes away from you, and I've never seen anybody that just basically conducts an orchestra with each word that they're doing. Like, what did you just watch, Whiplash, and got inspired? What's happening here? No, no, no. It's not quite the note.

It just reminds me of kids who don't know what to do with their arms in acting classes. And like they're trying to be normal. They're like, I think I swing my arms. And it's like, you're not walking right now. You're just standing there. Since you got fired from your job, how did that happen, by the way? What did you do? I just, I was sick of it, man.

I mean, this is where I've been wanting to be for a while. But I kind of just was smoothing all around and waiting, waiting for. He just played the invisible piano. No, this was me. It's like a fish swimming through a dangerously terrible river. Oh, wow. I like that one, too. The old wiggle around the place.

Yeah, that was the, you know, on ecstasy in the early 2000s dance move. Ball of energy. Oh, my God. I'm into this guy. Yeah, me too. I've noticed that each time we talk about it, he tries to do something else with it. It was, no, I can't.

Oh, the old elevator lift. I see what's going on now. I want him to be the sign language comedian. Right. Now I'm afraid to... Don't be afraid. Don't let it happen. Just focus on the questions.

Don't think about your hand whatsoever. Just let it do the killing for you. I guess I have a future as a deaf comic, you know? So how did you get fired from your job? I just didn't want to be there. Did you quit? I wish I could say it was something exciting. It was I wanted to get the unemployment.

So that was really the... They wanted me to quit. They tried to... Okay. My manager is Japanese, so he was kind of trying to shame me into leaving, you know, by ignoring me and pretending like I wasn't around. But I thought it was hilarious.

So eventually it was just, you know. Wait, did you say he was Japanese? He was. Well, he still is Japanese. It didn't change. I think racism should be your angle. No, it's a Japanese management technique. By the way, when you say Japanese, maybe some karate chops or something.

Yeah. technique. By the way, when you say Japanese, maybe some karate chops or something. Maybe that's why he was upset with you is because you insulted his kung fu culture. Could be. I don't know. Man, that is so... Does your whole family talk like that? Is it like at Thanksgiving? Are you guys just knocking everything off the table? Hey, where have you been? It's good to see you

again. It's just me. I'm the... What are your favorite things to do? What else are you into? I'm into music and comedy. What kind of music? Jazz, progressive rock.

It's just all over. The Killers, fuck that. He looks like he'd be good at Frisbee golf. No, never played. You never played? Never. And you never listened to Soundgarden? No.

I went to Miami of Ohio, so they had great Frisbee golf courses there, but I never... Did you see the Bermuda Triangle on that one, everybody? They have great golf courses. That's what we call that one. There's also a jerk off the elephant. No, that was the Ohio connection. Please stop dragging Ohio into your weird hand motions. We are very proud. You know people from Ohio.

We're very proud of the fact that we communicate with our words and not with our right hand. Did you say how long you've been doing comedy? A little less than a year. All right. Let me ask you something. Sure. Have you considered putting a puppet on that fucking thing? No. And just going all the way with it.

A Tourette's puppet. This is a good idea. You're saying one thing, and the puppet's just doing a whole night. No, that could... He's a dancing sensation, the puppet. Yeah. I mean, you could be like... It could be a raver.

The puppet could have little glow sticks. It could just be kind of just doing its own thing, I guess. Or we could do that CGI where we put lightsabers on, so you could just be like, we could watch a set and then out of nowhere. That would be amazing. Oh, that's great. Look at you. Wow.

That was a produced one, huh? Look at Redman sneaking in a little something he thought of. Look at what you get when you do that. How about that? I think he was just waiting for some aggressive hand motions and that was his moment. Of course. Patty, what do you got for this guy? Anything? Well, okay, this is honest. Honest question.

Go for it. Do you remember the first thing you said right out of the gate was something about having power over women? Yeah, I don't know why I said that. How did you want yourself to come across? I don't know why I said that. First of all, one of the greatest comedians ever is Bill Cosby.

That's true. I just, I think maybe you're going down the right path is what I'm saying. Steve, what do you got for this guy? What do you think? What are your thoughts? You love that hand. I know I know that yeah the hand was fantastic but just I don't know I mean if that's if you really are

that creepy go with it but I thought you had a nice moment at the end where it was honest and one of the greatest things about comedy is that you let the audience feel what you're thinking and you had that moment at the end. And then when you said, I got nothing else, everybody laughed.

Because you didn't tell the audience for it. It was two plus two. Yeah, it was very human. It was very real. And audiences know when you're being honest. And, you know, I did – maybe I'm wrong. Did you guys – were you doing the hand thing when you were doing your stand-up? I don't remember.

Probably. I mean, no, I'm an animated person. I mean, I can't – Well, naturally you are, but that's exactly what I'm trying to get to is, like, if that's how you respond to every single question and how you really talk when you're talking to us, then get your hand in the game when you're doing your stand-up thing because if that's a part of you – and I was – obviously, you know, I'm not saying throw a puppet on it.

Because I already said that. And I really believe you should do that. But I'm also saying that, you know, be yourself and let it rip. And, you know, take chances. In the few seconds that you had left to really not do much, you know, yeah, you ended the tension and got a laugh with. you know yeah you got the you ended the tension and got a laugh with babbity bah but always do your time and always take chances instead

of just doing the one thing that you had prepared you know what I mean because that's where you're going to learn how to roll with shit if you want to get rid of the hand just tie a belt to it that's a great way to but like two belts I have like a second belt I guess or you can just do it with the one but and don't

you don't need to draw it out so much. If you're going to keep up with the joke, it should just be and zip my pants and said, you're going to get a D in this class. Right. Instead of like, yeah, you'll probably get a bad grade, which would be a D. And then I'm going to slowly take my pants off. And and then here's a D. I don't know if you know what I mean yet when I say that there's a D coming for you. But you're going to get a D, and that D is this penis.

Because that's how it was. No, no, no. That makes a lot of sense. You literally beat around the bush on your dick joke. Yeah. I don't know. That's a pause break. Hopefully, you know, you could write in a period joke, like third period, fourth period or something. Yeah. I don't know. That's my pause break. Hopefully, you know, you could write in a period joke,

like third period, fourth period, or something. Yeah, you know. Exactly. That's going to save it all the way. It's just going to be

a seven minute bit after you throw that period thing in there. Michael, how long have you been on stand-up? Six months, would you say?

A little under here. Probably like, maybe around like eight months. Where are you performing at? Flappers is where... You got to get out of the safe zone, man. You got to lose your safety wire. I've done the potluck here,

and I've... And by the way, go listen to Soundgarden and play Frisbee golf one day, because I think it'll change your life. Check out the other clubs, play ice house try to you know try to get like the improv you know i mean try to go everywhere go to shitty open mics that you have to wait a while no i hit up i hit up the improv in here every monday and tuesday as much as i can so try the ice house it's one of the best clubs in the world it's the one of the oldest clubs in the world and they have uh open

mics weekly like tons of them ari who works here runs the world. It's one of the oldest clubs in the world, and they have open mics weekly. Like, tons of them. Ari, who works here, runs the, not Ari Shafir, but the other Ari, actually runs the open mics there. So talk to him. Cool. Eat a dick. I think you mean eat a D.

Michael, I had fun with you, and I hope you come back again soon. For sure, for sure. There you go. Michael Gurep, everybody. He's on Twitter at MyLongestHotDog. He's that guy. MyLongestHotDog.

What is it? MyLongestHotDog on Twitter. Very clever. What does that mean, Michael? You want to yell it to us? Is that your old nickname or something? I just wanted to think of something ridiculous that wasn't already taken.

What about the D-giver? Think about it for the future. I'm talking about dick, D-dod. It's a four-paragraph handle. 1,000 characters. I don't think... I hope this next comedian, whoever it may be, is prepared to go up tonight.

I bet they won't be. I bet they're going to be shocked. Oh, this looks like another new name. I'm excited about this. Put your hands together for Raphael Lechuga. Yeah. Yeah. So here he comes.

Raphael Lechuga. So last October I started my first year at UCLA. Thank you. And the demographic really scared me because it's mostly white and Asian and, you know, I'm Latino. And there's very few Latinos and blacks there. But I just want to say, as long as you believe in yourself and skip the application process, you'll get right in. I'm not applying to USC this fall. I tried cocaine recently.

And I don't want to do it again, because I want to do it again. And... And the depression after that, the comedown, was something new to me. I wasn't ready for it. And I reached a new low. Thank you. If you want to finish it, go ahead. In the depression, I texted my mom.

And she left my dad when I was only five years old. And I realized that was a bad decision she made in her 20s. Who am I to judge? And now... Let him finish. No, no, no, no. It's a good ending. Are we even close to the end

of this fucking thing? And now we text every day, cocaine has ruined my life. For those podcast listeners, unfortunately, that was not the sound of Raphael killing himself. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, I love this.

By the way, I thought only Jeopardy had a college edition. I did not realize Kill Tony was going to have one tonight. It's been everybody here has gone to college, and then there's also Rodney Peterson who's not allowed within 500 feet of one. And I just love the theme tonight. I love your look Raphael. You're Latino?

Yeah, but I'm the least Latino person ever. Let me talk you idiot. I'm killing right now. You look like a young Ben Stein. Has anybody ever told you that? No, I get Persian Ben Stein. When I was younger, I got Kramer because my hair was really floppy on the top. I got

Borat. Kramer? From what? Kramer versus Kramer? No. Because I have really wavy coarse hair. I actually straightened it at the top. It would look like hell. You're lying to yourself.

That was your first time on stage, right? Yeah. It would look like hell. You're lying to yourself. I'm not lying to myself. That was your first time on stage, right? Yeah. Wow, look at that. That's great. In that case, you killed. Congratulations, man. How old are you?

23. That's awesome. One of the things I loved was he said, you got to believe in yourself. And when he said that, you could see his hand shaking so badly Which I don't but For the purpose of this joke you should believe in yourself. It was the lights. I didn't know there was zero jokes in that right

Yeah, zero jokes. Well. That's something you need to at least have one of Before you put your name in here because you just gave us a blog post But you went with it, man. Yeah, I wrote this down, and I tried to get something funny out of it. I thought of an audience, but eh. Listen, just... Do you, like, not stop once you start answering something? Pretty much.

It's really annoying. Holy shit. What the fuck was I going to say? Shit, you son of a bitch. I'm so not used to anybody when I start talking that they just really truly keep going. It's an interesting thing you have going on there. If you could do jokes, you seemed

comfortable except for the shaky part. I'll tell you this. Out of all the segues tonight, going from so I'm not going to USC to so I'm not going to USC to so I tried cocaine recently absolutely takes the cake. That was killer. Did you really try cocaine

recently? Yeah. Did you like it? For real? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Because it made me think that I can do anything. Yeah. And then he signed up for the Kill Tony. Stay away from drugs, guys. He's like, fuck, man, this joke I just came up with is going to crush this week.

And it's going to be exactly 59 seconds. It's going to be amazing. Raphael, am I saying that right? Yes. So what did you go to college for? What are you doing? Actually, I never even applied for UCLA, and I just pretty much left two weeks in.

Your hand's coming to life. What is happening? I'm just channeling the last guy. I'm sorry. I'll keep it down. Okay. So what was your answer to that question? You just started going there without applying to go there?

Yeah. You snuck in? What do you think I am? The dean? You think you're going to get in trouble? That wasn't my question. I don't care if you applied or not. Stick with the question, ready? What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to do comedy. What's your second choice? It was screenwriting.

My first choice was actually screenwriting in life. And I didn't want to risk a bunch of money on going to film school. You know you don't have to go to film school to be a screenwriter, right? You have to write screenplays. Buy a book called Save the Cat. I've written a few. Yeah, I have that book, and I finished half of it.

I'm a bad book guy. I'm terrible at books. Every book I've ever bought, I've only read half of it. However, Save the Cat, great book to do coke off of. Really good. So many pages. You You tear them out roll them into a little tutor exactly Who'd you do cocaine with let's talk more about it's already out there in the house I'm sorry friends with friends of mine well say their names in case the LAPD are listening What was it, but I mean like what was the situation was that situation? It was at the butt end of a cigarette.

Oh, part of it? Yeah, I just keep tapping and smoking. It was also my first cigarette as well, so I kind of knocked those two out. I knocked those two out, but it was the first and last time. Why don't you show us? Hold on, real quick. It was the first and last time that you'll ever smoke a cigarette,

but definitely not the last time you do cocaine. Okay, yes. Priorities. That's what I like about Raphael. Did you become friends with everyone that you knew? Did you talk a lot? What happened to you? I haven't hung out with that group of friends since, really.

I seldom hung out with them before, and now it's just been a thing. So you didn't even snort any. You were just doing Cocoa Puffs. Yeah, just back and forth, back and forth. Wow. That was it. I don't know.

Wait, what's cocoa puffs? That's where you're just smoking little bits of coke. Oh, you smoked it? You're pretty much doing crack. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how any of that stuff works, but that seems a lot more boring. It's kind of like smoking pure crack. Yeah.

You're not mixing baking soda, which could help you out and make you smell a little bit better. Yeah. Yeah, you're not mixing baking soda which could help you out and make you smell a little bit better if you know, yeah Raphael is screenwriting really your number one favorite thing that you could see yourself doing or stand yeah, because I'm not good at anything else What do you are you good at that? Have you read anything? I've written a few like half written screenplays. Yeah I'm a lazy ass. I will I'll admit to that. How come you didn't do half of a minute of comedy tonight? Devoted to half. Devoted to half. You did twice as much comedy

that you're supposed to. Did you say you didn't get all the way through Save the Cat? You stopped reading it? Yeah. You're licking your lips. You're on cocaine right now. Yes, you are. You just licked your lip. Did you see that? He's done it a couple times. He's got caught now. Wasn't that crazy?

Yes. People that have done cocaine know what people on cocaine are like right now. This is amazing. Raphael, you do as much cocaine as a successful screenwriter, and you've never finished a script. Interesting. Have you ever – do you finish books – do you only read half of books often or is did you save the pretty much you at the power and talked about finishing a book I'm totally lazy when it comes to me like what last three three years have just been me working TV video games like what what have you been

doing just I've been doing a security. Security? Yeah. What kind of fucking security are you doing? I work at the port. What port? The port of LA. I work for a trucking company. I just sign vehicles in and out. Wow. How do you get that job?

That's how you got the coke, right? Gonna have to take a little sample if you want this truck through. I can see the screenplay already. Makes perfect sense. Just another day at the docks Cue porn music it's pretty dead there too. So most of the time just there on my computer Thanks for listening Simone just text me. What prices are you getting? $10 an hour. I don't even know what that means. Anyway, Raphael.

It went over my head. That's so fun. So have you been thinking about doing stand-up for a while? Yeah. I did improv last year. I didn't like it. Yeah, I didn't like it. You could say anything you want. Say that you did coke.

Say this, say that. Don't tell us about doing improv. I don't like it. You could say anything you want. Say that you did coke. Say this, say that. Don't tell us about doing it. I don't want to lose all respect for you. Man, you just don't stop talking. Because he's on coke, man. We've already established this. The whole thing is on coke. He's rambling.

He didn't have any jokes. He just talked. Just kidding. It's essentially an admission. Well, Raphael, I think it's time for you to come down a little bit, and we're going to let you go. Bye, Raphael. Peace out.

Bye, Raphael. Does he have a Twitter? He is on Twitter. He's at Lechugameister. He's the only Lechugameister on Twitter. So there it is, L-E-C-H-U-G-A-M-E-I-S-T-E-R. And follow him on Twitter if you obviously want your life to go in the wrong direction. He also put his email down, 8ball4life. What's that mean?

He's a big time billiards player. I moved the stool, by the way, because everyone just keeps bumping into it and looking at it. Yeah, it's so funny. So we're just going to scoot it back. Nobody all night wanted to move it. I've been watching that, too. So nervous. Craziness.

Let's get another one up here. Here we go. Their name is Rex Alleman. Here he comes, Rex Solomon. Okay, hello everybody, my name is Rex. I do come from Russia, if you know the slight twang in my accent like Eric over here. Anyway, I want to talk about my time here in America. I came here on college visa.

Keeping in theme with college. And I overstay because America do not care about immigration. You're getting weak, America. Soft like my belly. Anyway. Quiet now. I'm telling jokes. I want to talk about one more thing before my minute is up.

The homosexual problem in Russia. Big elephant in the room on the news all the time. I like America, you handle it better than us. And look to me when I come here, you give all homos free Toyota Prius, and you let them drive in the far lane of the freeway, like separate but equal. It's not bad, it's a good situation you have here. Anyway, since I have a little more time before scary grizzly bear, which I am not scared of, I will tell you some differences between Russia and America. I noticed when I come here, all my friends tell me when you go to America, the ladies there love guy with

accent. I do not fear that bear. Keep going, keep going, finish it. You want to or you not want to? They don't like guy with Russian accent. So what's your real accent? Actually, I come from far away land called Orange County. Yeah, that's what I thought. I could totally tell when somebody's doing a fake Russian accent thanks to myfreecams.com. Nice.

Well, I've talked to Tony before, so I know there was no... Really? You have? Yeah. He doesn't ever remember any of that stuff. Were you doing it in a different accent? No. What made you go Russian accent? The Russian bit's fairly new. I actually had a...

Hold on. You haven't been doing that forever? No. All right. It was an exchange student in high school who kind of fell into our social circle. He was from Russia. So I just kind of picked up the accent, hanging out with him all the time.

Wow, this is like an inside the actor's studio for something that should never be done again. Never. I love your style. You went for it. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Off and on for a long time, since 05, but just in 2014 to now, I've had enough time to dedicate pretty much most of my nighttime to it.

Were we dedicating it to before that? I just had a job that took up way too much of my time. What was that job? I was working for, it's boring, it was a medical company, and I was helping sell Botox and lap bands and rest implants and all that. Oh, cool. Get out of here. Totally not boring.

Yeah. The worst. Buck, yeah. Yeah. Guys, what do you think about Rex Alleman? Well. All right. The crowd just started to like you for the first time.

The crowd was like, get him off the stage. That was the Shaymitosh clap where they're just like, just move on. I guess hearing the name Rex was pretty much a dead giveaway that you aren't Russian. I don't think there's ever been a Russian Rex before. Every Rex I've ever met is from Orange County. Yeah, that's probably true as well. Just me, that's it.

Yeah, I mean, trying to do like an Andy Kaufman, I'm pretending I'm foreign thing, probably isn't going to fly for that long. So I would guess you want to focus more on being you. Yeah. Kind of what Steve was saying with some of the other guys. It's got to be real if it's going to last. Can you shake that mic real quick?

The cable is fucked up for some reason. Josh hasn't fixed that in 3,000 weeks. Just hold it so that you don't bump it again. There you go. Sorry. No, you're right. It's just been a bit that I've been doing for fun. I used to just be myself on stage and I will be again.

But it was something where I was doing the Russian thing. You will be again? What is this month so good? Rex is coming back 2016. Be prepared. Just my friends would be like, dude, the Russian accent accent's kind of funny sometimes you're just doing a stage i was like all right is it your friends who knew the russian kid that you grew up some of them yeah right that might be an inside joke thing well i've done the bit i've actually performed it here in the or room and it went really really this isn't the or room no no downstairs performed it downstairs in the or

and it went well? You did it for three minutes straight? I did it for your ten. Oh, no. Did you look like you were in the cast of Pawn Stars when you did that? No, I totally dressed different, actually. I think that has something to do with it. Because it's just, you know, when people know they're being fucked with, people don't really like it.

Oh, no, yeah. Because people don't like me a lot of times on stage. I like you, Pat. Thank you, but yeah, I don't know. I don't know. It's like if you're fucking with somebody, people like there's just an instinctual human thing to be like, nah, fuck that guy.

But you've got presence and you've done it before. I think if you do normal material and then you do a Russian bit where you go into that, it would work. But if you do all Russian, I called bullshit the second he went on stage, so I didn't give a shit what you were talking about. Right, and it's a lot harder in a minute to sell that character. When I had ten minutes, I'd do this whole build-up and backstory, and then by the end I can say anything. I want you to bring Rex back. It's time. Put the Russian away for a while

because you're falling back on it. What are you going to do? Be that not Russian guy that goes out? Forever. Great Russian comedians, but I'm going to go watch The American do a Russian impression. We didn't even like when Yakov would do Russian.

Yakov called in a veils today. The greatest Russian comedian of all time. Because he this the only Russian comedians and it's Ukrainian ironic really yeah Wow guys here uber took care of Putin no no no one's following the news Rex I would just say you could get in the cat if you're telling a story about your Russian friend that's a great way to go I have a Russian friend you come out as yourself and then you tell the story about this guy yeah it's a great way to showcase that character in an authentic way

yeah well there you go Rex Solomon everybody there he goes he's on Twitter Rex hates tweets Rex hates tweets Rex hates tweets so many wacky Twitter handles we've heard tonight that probably nobody's going to follow. All the good comics do that.

You know what I mean? Like Bill Burlow's crazy wacky fun time or something. If you're focusing on having a crazy Twitter handle, it might be time to just go with the name and focus on writing funny tweets. Yeah, that's it. Some advice. Commit all the way and hope that Rodney Peterson lets you do a guest spot on the radio. Fuck yeah. From the back of his van.

Guys, this is the part of the show where each week we've had two young ladies, two awesome rising comedians who do a brand new minute every single week. They don't sign up. They don't get pulled out of the bucket. We've been watching them build over the past year and a half, and they write a brand new minute and try it out every single week.

So we're going to do it again. Going up first tonight, you know her as a former student at the University of Florida. She came on Kill Tony, had her first set ever on this show, and she's been doing it for a year and a half ever since. A brand new minute every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Here she is. Thank you. I feel like I come up here a lot

and I start off my sets really dark. So I'm going to go something nice today. I lost my father at a young age. It was really sad. But what was sadder than that was that my mom let me look for him for four years. Did you check in the closet? You don't have to feel bad for me, though,

because, you know, I had him for a few years, and growing up with an alcoholic father teaches you things. Like, now I know that Merlot pairs really well with bad parenting. That's good. My dad was a magician because he disappeared out of my life

it was his best profession I'm out of jokes 57 seconds of thunder though you tried the magician thing obviously you're trying to fill time but I like that thing about I mean, obviously you're trying to fill time there. But I like that thing about your mom not telling you and letting you look for him.

I think you could probably drag that out and extend that out some more. Yeah. And, yeah, Kim Congdon, another new minute. Thank you. What do you guys think? What's happening? Is that true? Is your dad really dead or is that just funny? No, he's not dead.

He was like kind of around until I started. He's from Florida and he's kind of around until I started like dating a black guy in college. And then he wasn't around that much anymore. You just found another minute for sure, just on that. Brian, don't. It looks like we could see your vagina. I know, thank you. Not we, don't put

me into that. He's not looking. Yeah, nobody's on your side with that one. Good outfit. Thank you. Definitely extended. That's hilarious as fuck. I was actually thinking you were talking about like oh no he's still alive like he left and then you were trying to find him like online

or something but then when you said the closet thing it threw me off so that was cool but yeah the magician thing I don't know about that one I do know about it and that you shouldn't do it ever again you're too good to be doing that stuff but I get it you have to do a new minute every single week and most comedians

aren't put on the spot like that anywhere. Hell, a lot of the comedians tonight had their entire life to come up with one minute. And it went way worse than that. I think of that all the time. I'm like, I wish I could just pick

one of my minutes out of all of them I've used. But they're all used up now. Every single bit I've ever said on stage, I've said on Kill Tony. But I think we mentioned last week that over the year and a half, you feel like you've acquired, what did you say, about 15 minutes? Yeah, it's probably up to 20 now. Yeah. Yeah.

In a week, it jumped up another five minutes? Well, I've been working on it five minutes. In the week that you wrote 35 seconds of material? We talked about it like two weeks ago and I'm a good writer. I write a minute every week. We know that. That's why you're on the show. How's stand-up been going for you? It's going great. Have you been working

and anything crazy happening? I'm going to La Jolla with Sarah next week. Oh, that's great. And then Sarah and I and Brian will be doing Brea April 15th. That's awesome. Well, there you go. Catch her then, everybody. Thank you.

All right, Kimberly Congdon. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon, with another new minute every single week. This next comedian, also a brand new minute every week, always goofy styles of the one and only Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. Sarah Weinshank. What's up? Mannequins.

Why are we still doing that? I went into the department store and I guess, oh yeah, we're still doing this. We're still making replicas of humans not to scale to sell clothes.

Doesn't make any fucking sense. Do you know how lonely the people who dress those mannequins must feel? Could you imagine every day your job is to change this headless woman into a fashionista? Like figure out what kind of accessories to put her in. It's really dark. It's really dark. Mannequin is one of those words that's also spelled ridiculously. You guys aren't literate?

It's spelled ridiculously. If you write that shit out and look it up, guarantee you're going to be wrong. Because there's two N's and there's a fucking Q. It's one of the only words that has the letter Q in it. Alright.

It's one of the only words that has the letter Q in it. It's a debut album only words that has the letter Q in it. It's a debut album. That's great. I loved what you did. You turned on the crowd right before finishing the mannequin thing. Yeah, I know. You did the setup, and then you guys are fucking illiterate,

and then you continue to literally spell it out. Letting them know why they're so dumb for getting the joke. Yeah. We're not getting for not laughing on the setup. I noticed a lot of the ladies related more. Yes. To the to the thing about mannequins, because dudes, we don't even notice that there are mannequins, I think. And if we do, it's just like, I can't believe that mannequin doesn't have bigger tits or whatever it is.

Yeah. But like you said the thing and I heard all the girls laugh and then I looked at the dudes and they're all sitting there like, I'd fuck a mannequin. I'd do it. I have like seven mannequins at my studio and they have big tits. They sell big titted ones and

I love mannequins and there's nothing wrong with mannequins. And so when you start going off on mannequins, I think there's a lot of people in here that enjoy mannequins. Unless you bring up the old Navy mannequins. The old Navy mannequins with their crazy faces, like, ah! We need you to quit hanging out with Raphael.

So much blow. It's out of control. Well, I think you should definitely take that and use that to your advantage, that big tit mannequin thing. Because there is an interesting point in that is that, you know, if they had mannequins with bigger boobs, guys would be more likely to buy their girlfriend that shirt because they're idiots. That's probably true. And they would go, wow, there's something about that shirt that I really like. And they'd probably, you know, buy more stuff. I really like. And they'd probably buy more stuff.

I don't know. Or you could take any approach. Just drag it out and don't attack the audience if they don't laugh at the setup. I disagree. I think attack the audience more. You could tell immediately some people are like, oh, shit, maybe I am stupid. I guess I do like this. It probably is spelled weird.

It's one of the only words that has a Q in it. It's such a good line. Was that a part that you prepared for it? I was just thinking about that a lot. I was like, mannequin, it has a Q in it and not that many words have a Q in it. Quail.

Are you about to start naming Q words right now? I want to hear what she's got. All right, keep going. Quaint, quail. Oh, you just said quail again. We're already going back to the quail. I'm trying to buy time here. Wow.

Queen. All right. Let's hear some more. Wait. Don't cheat for it. Queen. Queen. Whoa.

All right. I said that one twice too. That's the easiest one. Yeah. I mean, it's an oddly placed Q as well. Right. It's a Q in the middle. Yeah.

And there's two N's. Quigley. I think it's oddly spelled. I don't think many people could spell mannequin. Do you and there's two N's. Quigley? I think it's oddly spelled. I don't think many people could spell mannequin. Do you think the two N's do you find that to be bizarre? Yeah, two N's and a Q. Do you wish there was a D in there? Callback!

Boom! Brian Redband is in a goofy mood today. I love it. Clean house. Fuck yeah. Well, Sarah, I really, you know, she has this style of taking inanimate objects and turning it into material. I can't wait to hear your first special one day and see how many different things that you cover. You know what I mean? I feel like we've gone through the entire kitchen with you.

I know. And, like, every type of condiment and every, like, corn on the cob holders, I remember. And we've just come so far. And it's amazing to see that we've pretty much covered the house and now we are inside cob holders I remember. And we've just come so far. And it's amazing to see that we've pretty much covered the house and now we are inside of shopping malls. I know, yeah. That's the only place I'm like, where can I go? Yeah.

Were there any kitchen accessories that had a Q? Cuisinart. That's a C. That's a C. He's one of those idiots that doesn't understand good spelling jokes. You know what I mean? Are you trying to think of one? Yeah. A kitchen thing that begins with a Q or has a

Q in it? Q. It's weirder when it's in the middle. We already established that. No, I can't think of anything. That's why that mannequin one worked. Yeah. Quiche. Yeah, that's why that mannequin one worked. Yeah. Quiche. Oh, that, yeah, that's good. Oh, Jesus, look at fucking Poetry King up there

from the 90s. Say it again. Which, by the way, is the cologne he's wearing. What's he saying? Saying for the podcast listeners? Acquiescence is what he's repeating. Hell yeah. Well, Sarah, this what he's repeating. Hell yeah. Well, Sarah, this was so much fun.

Thanks for coming on, as always. Another new minute from Sarah Weinshank and Kimberly Congdon. Follow them both on Twitter and Instagram. Kimberly Congdon, Princess Shank. That's S-H-E-N-K, all one word. And fuck yeah, we did it again. Pat Reagan, I loved what we did tonight, and I think that this will be pretty much

how we do things from now on, if that's cool with you. Yeah, cool. So thanks for playing along. He's Patty Reagan on Twitter, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N, one of the funniest rising comedic talents. The only guy that I do like with a guitar.

I've always been on your side on that guitar comedy thing forever. And I listen to his album which is called what? Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit? Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit. Now if we could get him to stop blowing his whole entire lung into the microphone.

Or get a pop screen. Or just back away like six feet, dude. And thank you guys, The guests, everybody. Rick Ingram and Steve Simone. What do you guys have coming up or anything you want to promote or anything at all?

Rick Ingram's on Twitter. Rick Ingram. Yeah, that's it. It's not very funny. Well, follow Rick Ingram who went with the least wacky Twitter handle he possibly could. Yeah.

Someone already took all the funny ones. Steve Simone is your Steve Simone on Twitter. Wow. You guys actually got your handles. That's great. Yeah. Someone already took all the funny ones. Steve Simone is your Steve Simone on Twitter. Wow. You guys actually got your handles. That's great. Yep. Yeah. What else? I know there's a lot of Canadians that listen to your podcast. I'm going to be at Yuck Yucks in Calgary. Oh, that's so cool. Three weeks.

Please check out my CD. Remember this. Awesome. Yes. Definitely go download his album. It's hilarious. He's one of my favorite comedians and so is Rick. Thank you guys so much for being on. Thank you to you, live audience. Kill Tony 100 is in the main room. That's 400

seat venue that's definitely going to fill up. That's on April 13th, so come see Kill Tony 100. There's going to be a ton of amazing comedians, perhaps a rotating panel and a lot of crazy interesting things that are going to happen that night. And don't forget, Ben, San Francisco, Sacramento, and the Death Squad Secret Show here at the Main Room Comedy Store, 4-1, April 1st.

Later. around my ankle. He needs some petting and loving on time. Kitty, won't you come inside? Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it. Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it. Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it. Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it. Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it. Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it. Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it.

Kitty at my foot and I want to touch it.