KILL TONY - KILL TONY #98

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

Dom Irrera, Bob Oschack, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 03/23/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, and click on Tour Dates. You'll see that we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store, 8 p.m. It's a free show. It's in Hollywood, California. So if you're in town, go to it. It's free. Also, every Friday we do a show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California That's a Death Squad comedy show Just a regular comedy show

And that's when we record the Ice House Chronicles That you can listen here at DeathSquad.tv Most importantly though, if you're listening to this By the time, around the time it came out May 12th, which is this Tuesday Me and Tony are going to be in San Francisco at the Punchline. One show, one night only.

And then the following night, we'll be in San Francisco at the Punchline. So if you want to see me and Tony in San Francisco and Sacramento, that's May 12th and 13th, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. So check it out. Go to DeathSquad.tv click on tour dates for all the ticket links or go to the Punchlines websites. Also don't forget

to check out Tony's website TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his merch and information and check out ShopSquad.tv for the official Death Squad merchandise and hats and stickers and all that crap. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbrain coming to you live

from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hitchclick! Fuck yes! episode of Kill Tony, volume two. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Yes. Hello, everybody. Welcome. Hi, everyone. This is a live audience. Hi, guys. We are streaming live to the hundreds and hundreds of people. This is the only live streaming show at the world famous comedy store. Welcome, to Kill Tony. Yes, here we are. Getting pretty popular. Over 40 comedians for one of the very first times ever. We hit over 40 comedians. Signed up for the chance to do one minute tonight in front of us and

two amazing guest comedians. We have one and only sponsor, everybody, Elyse Lane sitting right over there, a professional chef, chef to the comedy stars. Elyse Lane is one hell of a cook. She is a gourmet chef and recipe checker. She makes us a new meal every single week. Tonight she made 18-day dry-aged New York strip steak, truffle asparagus, and enoki mushrooms with citrus basil gremolata. Wow, that's a tough

one. Follow her on Twitter at Elise Lane and Instagram and Facebook at the girl with the pan. Elise Lane, everybody. Come on. I know. It's hard to clap for somebody when you don't get to try the food, but I hope you ate before this. Guys, Kill Tony, actually the Death Squad,

us, me and Red Band, are hitting the road, everybody. We're going to be in San Francisco on May 12th, in Sacramento on May 13th. But most importantly, Kill Tony, episode 100, April 13th, everybody. That's next month in the main room of the Comedy Store. Episode 100 of the show that you're at right now. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, everybody. He's sitting right over there. He just played music for you.

Pat, are you excited about tonight's show? I'm thrilled about tonight's show, Tony. Couldn't be more excited. Well, I'm happy to have you here. Pat is one of my favorite comedy musicians. He's actually one of my favorite musicians and comedians and one of my favorite comedy musicians. He's all three. So favorite musicians and comedians and one of my favorite comedy musicians. He's all three.

And so now he's our new band leader. There's no band, but I'm the band leader. Fuck yeah. I like your style. You're already on fire, Pat. Let's bring up tonight's guests. Two of my favorites. Two of the best in the world. I'm so happy when I booked this show absolutely perfectly

and I did it again tonight. Put your hands together for awesome, awesome fucking comedians. Dom Irera and Bob Oshak, ladies and gentlemen. Here they come. Dom Irera. Wow. Amazing.

One of the best. Two of the best. Dom Irera. I wouldn't say two of the best. Two of the best. Dom. Dom Irera. I wouldn't say two of the best. Me and then Bob. He's already throwing it out without even the microphone. He's already killing without the mic. Dom Irera, everybody.

I just don't like being put at the same level as him. I love him, but I mean. That's why I'm over here. In fact, I'll keep my space. I don't want to taint the table with my amateurism. Hi, guys. How are you? You guys good to go?

Oh, he's doing the nice guy thing. He's doing the nice guy thing. That's always the best booking of this show is when I go good cop, bad cop. And Bob is one of the nicest guys in all of comedy. Yeah, and I mean, this is an opportunity to be kind of constructive, too, with my limited expertise out there in the biz and lending some of the wisdom. Notorious comedy writers, late show, late show, daily show. You've done everything. I don't know about that.

Can't get anything earlier, huh? Patty, keep me. Definitely my material is seen after hours. It's a paycheck. Every week I have the band leader ask our guests a question. Any random question that he might want to know about two of his favorite comedians. Pat, what do you got for tonight's guest? Okay, I have a question for Dom. Dom, you're 100 years old.

Oh my God. Do you have any good stories? Jesus. Well, you know what's so weird about it? And I don't mean to be blunt with you No matter what you do No matter how hard you work You will never be as good as me That's a pretty good story

You know what I was wearing my Ohio State jacket earlier Oh you like that story Yeah will you tell that one About Columbus, Ohio You were talking about I was not always this fat And my eyes were open That's a great... About Columbus, Ohio, you were talking about. I was not always this fat, and my eyes were open at one point.

And I take this chick up to my room, and I'm giving it the old schlazzy. I was punching her right in the kidney, right? Punching her in the bladder. And we're making out, and she goes, this is so hilarious about showbiz. We're making out, and she goes, oh, her boyfriend called her. She goes, do you mind meeting my boyfriend? He's a big fan of yours. I go, what the fuck? Are you crazy? She goes, no, it doesn't matter. So I go downstairs and

I got lipstick all over me. She's all fine. He goes, man, it's really cool to meet you. I don't know what to say. It's really nice to fuck your girlfriend. Thank you. I thought the story was better back there. Yeah, so did I. Pat. Tony, easy. Pat, what's I. Pat. Oh, Tony.

Pat, what's your question? I'm 100 years old. Pat, what's your question for Bob Oshak? Are you Googling him right now? Yeah, that's okay. That's what it looks like. That's all right.

No, I got a question. Okay, all right. I wrote this down. I came prepared. So I hope that's okay. Okay. Put yourself in my shoes. You're 14 years old, hung like a princess.

You got pubes down your ankles. Guy walks up to you, says, hey, kid, you want to make a million bucks? You say, sure, what's the catch? He says, you got to put on a bear suit and fuck my wife silly. You say, I'll bet you put on the bear suit and I fuck you instead. He agrees. 20 minutes later, boom, you're a millionaire. Great question.

Was that a question? I think you just answered it fuck yeah let's just listen to Dom's Columbus story again I should have given him the bear on that one right that was perfect guys let's get into it you've both been on this show before

so you know what we're doing we're talking to comedians after they do a minute sometimes we give them constructive criticism. Sometimes we just talk to them about what else they could possibly talk about. Sometimes we just make fun of them. Comedians, you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. There it is. That means

wrap it up then. Don't keep going too long or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He sounds extra angry tonight. Is that like the bear you were fucking? Alright, there's a little something. Is that like the bear you were fucking in that story? There's a little something for you guys to complain about on Twitter this week.

Fuck yeah, so let's get it started, everybody. Are you ready for Kill Tony 90-something? I've lost count. 96, you said. I've lost count. I don't even know exactly what episode it is But it doesn't really matter because if they're listening then they're already listening your first comedian tonight This looks like a new name. So let's see what happens art Hernandez everybody art Hernandez

60 seconds of art Hernandez here he is What's up belly room? All right, so Growing up my father was in prison, so I used to go and visit him a lot. It was always fun and exciting. A lot of my friends didn't have armed guards around their parents, so I thought that was always fun.

But the best part about prison was whenever I was leaving, I'd be young and my father would always try and impart some wisdom on me. And one time he was telling me, he's like, Hey, man, come here. Come here, man. Come here. Don't look at me. Come here. Hey, man, you're looking a little small, huh? If you ever get locked up, you're definitely getting raped. And I was like, oh shit. He's like, you need to start working out. And I was thinking like, I need to start obeying the law. So having all these tattoos, a lot of people ask me like, oh, are you ever going to regret having all those tattoos?

And I tell them no. Because when you have this many tattoos, no matter where you are in the world, anywhere, people give you free weed. All right, that's not always true, not everywhere in the world, but everywhere in the world you go, people will follow you in stores. Yeah, it makes for... Makes what? Makes for good customer service.

I don't... Jess service I'm confused give it up for him go ahead I can tell you guys wanted to do that his dad was in prison come on people help him out isn't every Art Hernandez's dad in prison with tattoos like that

so what are you saying with that last one that you dress like that? People follow you into stores? Oh, no, with just having this many tattoos, people will follow you around in stores. Why? Why would they do that? They think I'm on a shoplift or something. I don't know.

Oh, so what you're saying is security guards follow you around in stores. Well, no, not always. It might be like just a clerk or something. Maybe people with tattoos are schizophrenic. Have you ever thought about that? It's a possibility. I mean, a lot of people do get mad about it, you know, when they have the people following me to stores.

Like recently I was in Santa Monica. I was at REI and I just went in to meet a friend. What's that? I don't know. It's like some out... You don't even know what it is? I was meeting a friend there. He was like...

He was shopping. I've been to REI. Let's be honest. They didn't even let you in the place, right? Yeah. Okay. As soon as I walk in, I have a guy following me. And when I look at him, he would kind of just start pretending to clean up shelves and stuff.

Right. I just thought it was weird. I don't think it's really about your tattoos as much as it's about your face. That I'm brown, yeah. I don't, you know, there's not a ton of tattoos here. I mean, I appreciate, is there a lot hidden beneath the t-shirt? Are you going into these stores without it? No, I usually wear pants.

Yeah, no, just this much is only showing. I do have more, but I rarely walk around shirtless. Okay, because the arm itself doesn't, you know, I see you. I'm not completely intimidated by just the arm a lot. So there's more hidden beneath the shirt. Can I ask to see them? Wow, look at this. Bob.

I don't, no, no, no, it's not fair. It's not fair. I shouldn't ask Art to remove his shirt without actually. Whoa, what is going on? Wow. Look at that. Wow. Where's the web stream camera? Wow. You're the first. Am I supposed to wash my shirt on those? There it is. Bob, it's right there. Turn to your left. Bob, there's a thousand people to your left that you didn't show.

Oh, Jesus, Bob. Look what you started. It's so good to see you're always writing, Bob. Never going to resort to cheap laughs. I want to tell you something. When you came up here, your act was so incongruous with your body language, you actually skipped up here, which you skipped a little. And you came up with this joyful thing. And then my father was in prison.

He told me I was so small I was going to get raped. And I really didn't know that you were going there because you seemed so happy. And honest to God, I felt so bad for you that you grew up like that. I'm serious. I know I'm number 79 in Comedy Central's list of all-time comedians, but I was

serious. I was 143 in 2002's list of the best comics in the Southwest. Wait, in the Southwest? That's Florida, right? How long did this list go for? Was it 143 total? Are you telling me I shouldn't brag about that?

Is that a joke? I regionally ranked up. Oh, I see. They were launching a website. Anyway, that stuff is true, right? It is true. And your father, the only note I had off of the joke itself,

which I thought was a very funny joke, is your father's voice didn't seem like an inmate's voice. It seemed almost a little... You know what I mean? Do your father's voice as you just did it during your set. I was like, come here, man. Come here, man. You know what I mean? That sounds like an opener for

Willie Nelson. You know what I mean? It needs to an opener for Willie Nelson. You know what I mean? It's like it needs to be maybe a little more, right? A little more intimidating or whatever. A little more funnier. Funnier. That would be the key. I think Dom nailed it on that one. All right.

How long have you been doing stand-up? A year. A little over a year now. Where are you from? I was born and raised in Culver City, but I became a man in Carson City, Nevada. You became a man in Carson City, Nevada. You became a man in Carson City, Nevada. So with a prostitute. Well, there was a bunch there in Mound House, but I moved there when I was 21.

I lived there for seven years and then I moved back. I think you got stage presence. I think you got something, man. Cool. Thank you, Don. I live in Culver City now. Fuck yeah. Culver City.

Culver City. I live in Culver City now. Fuck yeah. Yeah. One of the things. Culver City. Culver City. One of the things that I loved about your set was about 41 seconds in when you hit your first punchline on the whole dad thing.

You did a physical movement when it happened. Yeah. It was almost like you dropped off a bag of groceries or something. You skipped forward and then back. Very interesting way of delivering a joke where it looks like you just shot a basketball. Should I keep it up? Listen, I really think you continue mining your life

for comedy. If your dad was really in prison telling you that you were going to get raped if you went to prison. Bob, did you just do a spell on him with your hand? Are you throwing water on him or something? I'm emotional when I get that. I really, I really, like I I had nothing to draw from from my real life, which is why I'm where I'm at 20 years after first stepping on the stage.

You had a dad in prison. I mean, for most people, for most professions, that's a horrible, horrible thing. But for stand-up comedy, if you have a dad who was in prison, brother, good for you. You know what I mean? You're in the right field, man. Mind that for all it's worth. Can I ask your dad's fate? Where is he now?

It's actually interesting. He was sentenced to two consecutive life sentences because of the third strike law. Okay. And he actually got his third strike while he was out with a woman who wasn't my mom, and she shoplifted makeup. So he was on probation. That's a violation of parole, which is a felony. What were his other crimes?

Oh. Murder. Yeah. I've never heard of anybody getting a double life sentence for two speeding tickets and an accessory to a shoplifting. Wow. It's literally because his side piece wanted some makeup. No, I actually wouldn't know.

What were the first two strikes? I think, allegedly, it's... Come on, Mark. Dude, you're from Culver City. We already know there's a story. Come on. Yeah, well, allegedly, he... Stop saying allegedly.

He's guilty. I don't know. He's going to say the perpetrator. I'm Hispanic, and the way my family brought me up, they don't talk about it. Every time my aunts were brought up, they were like, you're a great man.

Then what else do Hispanic families talk about? Wearing condoms. Everything, as fast as they possibly can. That's what they talk about. Okay, allegedly. Okay, so allegedly they say at one time, what the fuck did he do? How many people did he kill?

There's some drugs and gang stuff related to it. I don't exactly know. We don't need to know anymore. Is he in jail now? What are you, his attorney? Actually, about eight months ago, his case came across a lawyer's desk

because lawyers in California have to do six pro bono cases per year. My dad's case came across and he called my sister and said, I can have your father out in a month. And she didn't believe him because he's been out. He's been in there for years, life. We've been trying to get him out for a long time. And he was true to his word.

Like a month later after getting the case, he got it reversed because I guess it's a non-violent offense or something. And he's out now? He's 100% out now. And you didn't bring him to the show? He has a cleaner record than I do. They wiped everything because he did 23 years more than he should have for that. Wait, your dad? Yeah.

So he's not serving a double life sentence. No, he was. He served 25 years of that life sentence. And now he's out. Yeah, but now I don't feel as bad. He's out. What the fuck? Oh, geez. Oh, man.

He's just like a regular guy now. Does he still only call you once a day? No. Allegedly. Allegedly he called. He one time called me while I was living in Nevada. I was walking through a Target. I got a phone call from a random number.

I answered it. It was my father. He said, hey, there's these things they have that are small phones. Can you bring me some? Can you sneak me some? He asked me to smuggle in phones for him a long time ago. How many did you fit in your ass? None.

Art, we just got word from your dad that he wants you to stop talking about this on a live streaming podcast. I didn't mention any names. I am a junior, though. There you go. There you go. Your dad just killed somebody else.

He's back in jail. Art Hernandez, everybody. Thank you. Our first comedian of the night. IDTT Podcast is how you follow him on Twitter. He's at IDTT Podcast, so he's got a podcast, that guy. The whole thing that he's not in jail anymore bothered me.

I know, right? It ruined the whole drama and the fun. I don't feel bad. Now it's just a fucking act. I love it. I love watching you yawn, by the way, during this guy here with the glasses. There's nothing more disarming to people performing than just, you don't even have the courtesy

to put your hand over your mouth. Just fucking, well, I couldn't sleep for weeks and I went to this Kill Tony show. I was out like a light. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Ron Bush. Ron Bush. Ron Bush. Here he comes.

He's right behind a waitress. Hell yeah. How you doing, Ron Bush? Hey, Ron. So I'm going through kind of like an identity crisis. I'm sitting inside of a coffee shop. And you know when you're on your cell phone, you're not really paying attention,

you just spit out your order. Give me a double shot of espresso with a side of steamed milk. But nothing happened. So I start getting pissed off, you know, kind of like the white man does, you know what I mean, when you give an order and nothing happens. So I start looking around,

you know, what the fuck's going on, right? So I look up and there's this Korean cat. He looks like he owns the Lakers. He's got the hat, the jersey, the shorts, the shoes I was like damn He just looks at me like this What's up? I'm like damn

His voice is deeper than mine So I try and act black I give him a handshake But I gave him a handshake from like three weeks ago He stops me Pat, pat, pat Sprinkles I give him

I'm like what is he trying to do? He's trying to show me up, you know? So I'm like, wait a minute. Just give me the goddamn coffee. He goes, you know when somebody wins, baby, get my man over here a double espresso with a shot of steamed milk.

I got the Barry White voice. Not you. He's taking all my credo. There you go. All right. Ron Bush. Okay. Well, that's enough of the gun, I think, for the day.

Can retire the gun sound effect. Fuck yeah, Ron. How's it going, buddy? Going pretty good. All right. Talking to the mic for this whole thing. Now, let me ask you something. When you say, what nationality was this guy?

Korean. Korean. Yes. And you said that he was dressed like the owner of the Lakers. He looked like he owned the Lakers because he was with the full outfit. But do you think that the owner of the Lakers wears a Lakers baseball cap, a Lakers jersey, and Lakers shorts? You know, there's a certain terminology that, you know, Brother saved. He was wearing so much gear, he looked like he owned the place.

So that's what I was kind of referring to. Speaking of brother terminology, during that set there was one point where you looked at me right in my eyes. I did. And you looked uncomfortable. You were like, he's about to... Well, you said that the white man... Yes. Yes. Gets upset

when we don't get their double espresso with steamed milk on the side. Do you think... That's a real stereotype that I've never heard of before. I've never even had a double espresso with steamed milk on this side. That's a real stereotype that I've never heard of before. I've never even had a double espresso with steamed milk. You've never heard of the impatience of the white man? Wow.

Backwards racist here. I see what's going on here. I think plenty of comedians have said... Ron, I'm really glad you could make it here tonight via the Underground Railroad. Exactly. Wow.

I don't know any black guys that call it sprinkles, by the way. Isn't that called blowing it up? Like, what's sprinkles? I thought he was referencing the cupcake company. I think after seeing you say sprinkles on that, I think every Asian guy is more black than you, Ron. Yeah. And that's why I'm going through the identity crisis. I'm trying to tell you.

Right. I like your style. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my sixth month this week, actually. Wow. That's very exciting. Sixth month this week. Very cool.

Thank you very much. What did you do before stand-up? I've been doing sketch comedy. I'm a Second City alumni, so I've been doing sketch comedy for the past ten years. But we started pitching some shows and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so all we wanted to do was stand-up, and I never did. So I started, you know, breaking down jokes, looking on YouTube, seeing how, like Richard Pryor and those guys told jokes I liked to tell stories.

Right. And here I am. I was always worried of coming here because my jokes are, you know, giving a minute is difficult for me. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It just took a long time. I was along for the ride. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It just took a long time. I was along for the ride. I didn't know where it was going.

But yeah, you were presenting a very vibrant scene. Yeah, and I didn't have a chance. Thank you very much. I didn't have a chance to get to my switch in the punchline. Well, I think you're more of a minute and a half, minute and a half, two minute act. Switch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The switch switch I don't know what the switch quite is

I refer to it I'm leading you down one path Oh the old switcheroo You're abbreviating it You're abbreviating it The old switcheroo I'm trying to tell you guys Thank you very much

I'm learning here guys That must be a sketch terminology That I've never heard of before I'm trying to tell you guys. Thank you very much. I'm learning here, guys. I'm learning too. That's great. That must be a sketch terminology that I've never heard of before. And I will never look you in the eyes and call you the white man again. I promise. Well, you really shouldn't do that to any white man, not me specifically. But, I mean, I guess I wouldn't mind if you did it to Pat Reagan.

If you want people to laugh, to look at him and say, you know. You guys do not have to be threatened by me, just because I'm black. Pat, what do you have to say about that? That's exactly what Cosby said to me last time I talked to him. You should not be drinking with Cosby. Yeah, what are you doing drinking with Cosby, dude? Are you a switch? I didn't say we were drinking,

but I think you guys understand that I got the joke part out of that. But anyway, Pat, go ahead. Pat. When you said your sketch group was pitching some pilots and blah, blah, blah, does the blah, blah, blah mean that nothing happened in any of your careers? It means that everybody in Hollywood says, oh, yeah, I'm pitching shows, and I don't give a fuck about that. I'm right here doing my joke for Kill Tony,

and that has nothing to do with what I'm doing right now. I like that we got similar eyes, though. We do. Oh, yeah. And we just had a moment. I thought he was fucking hypnotizing us. Yeah, well, you know. My mom is Jamaican.

I can throw that root on you. Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa. It's an admirable, all kidding aside, it's an admirable jump to try to go from sketch to stand-up. I feel like some sketch people actually look down upon stand-up. Do you ever get that? No, I jump off a building.

And you're actually trying to make the transition. Not an easy transition to make. I appreciate that. No, I do, because I feel like I go to some of these theaters, and they look down on the stand-up comic. It's good for you. It's not an easy transition to make. Keep doing it. Keep trying to make that jump. I feel like sketch people sort of have

to look down on it because they have to convince themselves. It's like how a foot doctor probably looks down at a heart surgeon. You know what I mean? It's like, well, I mean, whatever. My job's more specific or something like that they have to rationalize it

sure go ahead Ron cause you are not stopping no matter who's talking right now so go right ahead your head's about to fucking explode why don't you just say it Ron there's a lot of energy up here yeah I know it's like there's comedians up here I was actually talking to a friend of mine who was like why would you do stand up and I told him that

you know I think that sketch comedy, there's a place to hide. And if you're a comedian, then you get up there. There's a place to hide here too, Ron. If you stand right up against that curtain, I'm pretty sure you disappear. There you go.

Well, Ron, I had a lot of fun with you. Anything else for Ron, Dom, Irera, anybody? Let's end it on that black joke. He paid me back for the white joke. No, I think we're done. Cheer the fuck up, will you? I've never been this happy in one day in my life than you are on this stage. You did a minute of stand-up acting like you just won the fucking lottery.

This is chill Tony, are you kidding me? Dozens of people are listening to you on the radio right now. He almost nailed me until he said radio. Give it up for Howard Stern. You tried so hard. You tried to roast the

young roaster and you blew it at the end. Ron Bush, everybody. There he goes. Dozens of people listening on the radio for those of you we're the only show that both streams live on the internet and AM radio so he's on Twitter at Ron Bush

comedy oh my god at the tone it will be 844 beep beep beep this is a national test of your weather service because we're on the fucking radio right now. Let's keep it going, baby. Your next comedian goes by the name of Davina Joy.

Wow. Comedy store employee, waitress. Very charismatic little whippersnapper. We know her. We've seen her before. Here she is. What up, motherfuckers? How's everybody doing? We as a species are giving too much credit to celebrity people. You know what I mean?

Like, we're pretending they have integrity when we don't know shit about them. For example, Bill Cosby, as he was just mentioned. We all knew that he was a good guy as Fat Albert. And we all knew Bill Cosby was a good guy as Dr. Huxable. But we assumed Bill Cosby was a good guy as Bill Cosby, right?

Nobody knew what the fuck he was doing. Like, I saw how he looked at Rudy a couple times, and that shit was a little suspect. Of all the fucking occupations, as a doctor that shit was a little suspect of all the fucking occupations as a doctor he was a gynefucking colleges you guys like he was not hiding the fact that he's a motherfucking vagina addict no dude wants to see a baby come out of a pussy but he's like i'll look a pussy i don't give a fuck 24 7 give me that pussy. Am I right

or just a little crazy? That's my Bill Cosby stuff. I'm a sub right there. Thanks, guys. Motherfucker. Well, thank God we're not on the radio. Pussy vagina. Stick a pussy.

Bill Cosby's pussy. My mama's pussy. Bill Cosby was a gynecologist. Yeah. As a real person? No, as Dr. Huxable. Yeah, I know. Pervert.

Why do you keep pulling back your sweater? What are you doing? I don't know. Peanut butter and jelly. Davina, I heard you almost slip into a Bill Cosby impression for a second.

Really? I saw him looking at Rudy and that shit looked a little suspect. I always love hearing it. Everybody's Bill Cosby impression always

sounds terrible to me. It sounds a little like I don't think I've ever heard one and gone, wow, that's a real Cosby impression. That was kind of like Adam Sandler Bill Cosby a little bit. Davina.

Great energy. I mean, great energy. You came right up, I think, on the stage and just full of charisma and excitement. I don't know how long you've been doing it. All I want to do is molest your body this entire time. I've been thinking about your 12-pack, Bob Oshak. What the fuck?

Oh, wow. Look at that, Bob. I didn't even mean to show that. I should have done that for 60 seconds. So embarrassed. Oh, Bob, that's so crazy that you wear that one ring on your wedding finger because you're not married anymore. I can't believe you still wear it.

Shut the fuck up. You are single now? I can't believe you still wear it since your wife died last week. Very simply, yeah. Do you want some lap dance music? Art Hernandez's dad allegedly murdered her. Are you getting a lap dance at a circus, Brian? What the fuck?

What kind of lap dance music is that? What is that? The Cosby Show theme. Oh, that's the Cosby. Okay. Hell yeah. What is that? The Cosby Show theme. Oh, that's the Cosby. Okay. Hell yeah. Of course it's a Cosby Show theme. So, Davina, again, I don't know how long you've been doing this.

I've been focused since like October 2013. So like a year and a half. Year and a half. Okay. And do you get up at the comedy store a lot? Here in Naryang. You are a comedy store employee. Yeah.

How's that been treating you? I love it. I mean, this's that been treating you I love it I mean this is my mecca I love it why do you keep pointing your tits out because she loves peanut butter and jelly

I don't I used to be a stripper maybe that's why I think it's just you have your old stripper like tools that you still use like having a shirt

that has something on one tit like a peanut butter and jelly pointing at it peanut butter and jelly that's awesome hypnotic that's an adorable fucking shirt.

Subconsciously, this is all leading to your boobs. Look at my boobs. Did you say you used to be a stripper? Yeah. A topless, just topless. In Arizona. It was fun.

Topless and titless bar, huh? Oh, shut up. Shut up, I'm little. They're there. They're there. The specialty stripper. Do you have anybody with small tits? I love it. It's very good. To stage two. Let's give it up.

Stop it, Brian. Brian. Turn down the music. Come on. Give what daddy wants. Ryan, turn down the music. Come on. Yeah. Come on, guys. Come on, guys. Give what daddy wants. Always great podcasting, listening to Cherry Pie for no reason.

Come on, remember. They have no idea what's happening out there. We're on the radio, guys. Come on. It doesn't matter. For those of you listening via radio. I thought of a great stripper name. Amber Alert.

There he is. Dom Ira. Getting warmed up over here. Look out. It only gets stronger. I love your style. Do you talk about your stripping days? Does that come up at all?

Yeah, like sometimes I do. Okay, that's what you should talk about, right? You have to have interesting stories for being a stripper on top of that in Arizona. Yeah. I mean. Well, Bob, her shoes talk about her stripping days. You're so stupid. Wait, what?

These are not sticks and stilettos. Eat shit, Rogan. Those are stripper shoes. They're not stripper shoes. German stripper shoes. They're like stripper shoes. German stripper shoes. They're like wood. I'll bring my stripper shoes next time I do this. Yeah.

Now that's what I want to see. I still have them because I want to fuck guys in them. Wow. Now she's coming alive. Davina, that's exactly. This is what I want to hear. Just being honest like that is exactly the type of stuff that will work for you. Thank you.

So, I mean, we can all talk about Bill Cosby. I think we're all in general agreement. The guy's kind of questionable. Let me just save you some time. I have the best possible Bill Cosby joke, and it's nine minutes long, so the territory's already been peed on. I own it. It's mine.

But Tony's story's about fucking dudes in stripper heels not as good as yours, I think. So that's what you should focus on right there. You have to have stories, anecdotes. No, I do. I fart on guys all the time as a stripper. It's the funnest part of being a stripper. Oh, my God.

Really? Oh, yeah. We fart on people all the time. And we wonder if they know. Like, come on. We're sitting on your lap, and it's a direct boost like right to your skin like can you feel that you know what i mean i wonder or like when a guy's too trying to lick your tits and trying to like bug you're like god just don't fucking touch me you just get in front of him and you're

like hi and you just release him wow and i don't fart in front of people but if you're annoying me did anybody ever did it my tits are out. Did any of the customers ever complain about the... Guys love that you get like an extra $20. Like they're nasty motherfuckers in this world, guys. Oh my God. Oh my God. But it's money, so...

Wow. Sounds like you were doing really good for yourself before you started stand-up. Yeah. Until 2008, Tony, I would agree. But the recession fucked with my stripper career. The recession of what? Your boobs? Boom! Another

small boob joke. Hey, you can't tell me you're a stripper and have small boobs and not... You haven't seen my tits outside of anything. They're perfect. Show us your tits. Show us. What are you saying?

My tits are perfect and it's not about the size. It's about the perfection and I've got it. I'm from Africa. I got African teardrop titties. Everybody on this show has so far tried to talk over the host. I'm going to get rid of you. Davina Joy, everybody. There she goes.

Every comedian just keeps on talking. They think they have another great idea. Stick to the 60 seconds, people. Answer your fucking questions. Your next comedian goes by Pat Jansen, everybody. Yeah, so I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Anybody else here have OCD? Yeah.

All right, I counted four people. If we could get two more to get to a multiple of three, that'd be great. I do have OCD. It's a psychological disorder. People still don't have a firm grasp on psychological disorders or how to talk to people with them. People will say things to me like, Come on Pat, you know what's all in your head, right? You know what's all in your head. Yeah, it's a psychological disorder.

That's exactly where it's located. If I ever have a broken leg, I'll come to you to figure out the source of my problem. Because I have OCD, I do weird things. I recognize that they're weird, but I still can't stop doing them. As a result, people will say things like, well, come on, why don't you just go over it? Why don't you stop? Why don't you just get over it? Nobody ever takes that approach with physical ailments. Nobody's ever like, ah, gee, Ted, you sure look down.

I know you just had a stroke, but why don't you get over it? Come on, you at least look happy on your right side earlier. You're not like pissed on both sides. Ah, yeah. That's it for the OCD earlier and I look pissed on both sides. Oh, yeah. That's it for the OCD stuff. I feel like we're at a minute. You just hit it. Exactly a minute.

Oh, that's OCD. I feel like you just heard another one. Wow. Pat Jansen, I love you. It was perfect that he stopped himself compulsively. It really was. I got to stop one, too. I got to stop one, too.

Pat, you're funny as hell. I'd shake shake your hand but then you'd have to go wash How long have you been on stand up? About five years Where are you from? Nebraska How long have you been in LA? I started in Pennsylvania but I've been in LA since January Jesus You've gotten really good for being in

PA and Nebraska that whole time. I did New York a while. Truth comes out. I claim Nebraska, though. That's who I am. You look Nebraska. Yeah, I know, right? Why were you holding back

New York 456-456? I don't know. I was just there. I'm not a New Yorker Put the mic in the mic stand and leave it in there Because there's a buzz the way you're holding the mic How long did your stand up take Before you started talking about the truth

I assume the OCD is truth It took me a while It was uncomfortable It just wasn't something I felt great addressing I'd say about three years in Not an easy topic to make funny But not only made it funny Wasn't something I felt great addressing. I'd say about three years in. Not an easy topic to make funny, but not only made it funny, I mean, quickest to the punch so far we've had tonight. Absolutely.

Right away to the punch. Multiple times, and it's the exact answer to when people say that it's hard to do a minute, more of a thing. Well, do something quick and funny as fast as you can because that's what this is. And I don't think people realize that you have to be able to kill in under a minute anyway if you really want to stand out. Nobody's going to watch anybody with more than a minute-long setup

before their first laugh, you know what I mean? And instead, you're firing off multiples rapidly. And that's exactly how you do it. So if you do a minute like that, three of those in a row, that's what they call a killer Tonight Show set or whatever. I mean, back in like 50 years ago when that meant something.

Watch it. You on the Tonight Show this week? I'll watch. So, married? I am, yeah. She's actually still back on the East Coast right now. She's like come out here before her, like about a year and a half before her. She's finishing her PhD.

You want us to get the stripper back out for you? Come on out, Davina, and fart on them. Yeah, fart. Fuck yeah, I think she just released one right then. How much time can you do? I've headlined. Oh, you have? Yeah, in places like Nebraska, though.

Right, so what is that, like 11 or 12 minutes? I did a show back in... It was about 40 minutes in Omaha over the holidays. I was going about a block and a half away from Kevin Hart. But we sold out the place. Wait, you competed in Omaha, Nebraska against

Kevin Hart? Yeah. How many... You said you sold it out? Yeah, but it was a tiny place. How tiny? Like 70 people. Kevin Hart's size. Yeah. I think you beat me on the number of people. Right, right, right.

Wow, so that's fun. And you are getting married and you're not married yet? No, I am married. You just got married. No, I got married seven years ago. How old are you? 31. Wow. I know you don't want to married. No, I got married seven years ago. How old are you? 31. Wow.

That's it. I know you don't want to touch, but I got married at the same age as you. Yeah. So you're looking. You're 31 as well, right? You're looking at the ghost of Christmas future here. Hey, Pat, it's me. Hey, yeah.

Look, Pat. Look where you're going to be in 13 more years. I can't do abs at 31, so I'm up. Oh, no, no, no. This is the byproduct of lots and lots of unhappiness. Trust me. You know, this isn't. No, this isn't.

There's a deep, deep psychological reason. I have this. This is my own OCD. He can only do sit-ups when he's crying. Yes. Alone. I thought that looked like a tear shine on there. Yes, let me tell you something.

But I can sort of relate to the situation, so I think that's cool. So you can talk about marriage. So do you do this because you can't get in at this club or you haven't tried to get in at this club? This is the first time I've been here. There's a buddy who I used to do. This is your Comedy Store debut tonight? Wow, look at that. Pat Jansen. How about that?

I'm glad you dug that part of the story out. This is a momentous occasion. Heck yeah. He went from a 70-person room in Omaha to an 85-person room in the Sunset Strip. That's really exciting, Pat. And Kevin Hart's here. Come on now, Kevin.

Go ahead. He's short. Joke is that he's short. Wow. Well, good luck. I think... You are clean, by the way. Yeah, I can.

Completely. No, I don't. He's OCD. Of course he works clean, Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't. I hate the term work clean because it's...

I don't. I think that's fucking great. I can do clean or not clean Okay alright I personally think that actually makes you stand out more If you can work clean Or if you can do a set and literally just Cherry pick the obscenities out

Without it affecting the quality of your act That's something to lean towards I did a show on a boat for a bilingual church group In Philadelphia once I made that work I got to do my bit About religious doubt a show on a boat for a bilingual church group in Philadelphia once. I made that work. I got to do my bit about religious doubt and I realized you could tell anything you want as long as you preface it with, I just came back to

Jesus. This is how I used to feel. And it worked. I got a standing ovation. Wow. A standing ovation on a boat in Philadelphia. In two languages. A standing ovation on a boat in Philadelphia. In two languages. A standing ovation in two languages.

Only half the group understood me because I don't speak Spanish. But, yeah, they thought I found God, and suddenly I got a standing ovation the first time ever. That's beautiful. That's amazing. Now, with your OCD, Is it mostly just a number thing Or is it other things as well? It's a whole bunch of things I've had it since I was probably junior high

Do you start with like a left foot? Yeah, I go left right I have to go left right on everything Whether I'm shaving or you name it Do you have to touch the doorways When you walk into a different room? If you're by yourself? No, I've pretty well gotten rid of all that

Some of it is a little bit into a different room? No. If you're by yourself? No, I've pretty well gotten rid of all that. Some of it is a little bit just trying to beat it out of yourself a little bit too. Right, so jerking off helps. Yeah, a lot. It takes forever to wash it off though. Fuck yeah.

Do you have a car? Do I have a car? Yeah. Would you like a spot Friday at the Death Squad show at the Ice House? Oh, wow. Sure. Boom.

There you go. How about that? Pat Jansen, everybody. There he is. Awesome. He's on Twitter at the Pat Jansen. J-A-N-S-S-E-N. And after his first spot ever at the Comedy Store, he's now performing on another show

at the Ice House on Friday. Awesome. Pat Jansen, everybody. How cool is that? Look at Red Band. I know. Red Band. Give him back to the little people. I'm just amazed. The last couple times, there's just been so many great comics that just pop

out of nowhere that you're just like, holy shit, I want to actually see more of this person. That's very cool of you, man. If I can, I could do it. I don't know that side of you. I think Dom wants to get booked on the show on Friday at the Ice House. Jesus, Josh, you are

dropping the ball in the hardest way right now possible. What the hell is going on? It's unbelievable. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody. He takes care of everything here. Obviously, there's a lot of disasters. There's five mics, a live stream, crazy comedians, and I think

the buzz is gone. That should never, ever, ever have existed in the first place. There he goes. At Josh Martin Comedy on Twitter. Josh Martin, everybody. He really works his ass off here, and we love him. He's great. He is great, right? And he's a very funny comedian as well. So

if anybody's looking to hire a comedian for anything, not this Friday at the Ice House or anything, but... Sorry, Josh. Spot's taken. Put your hands together for your next comedian. You know what's interesting is I actually started with this guy. And I just saw him recently a few weeks ago

for the first time in what turned out to be because we talked about it earlier, six years. And, well well we'll talk about it all later but i started with this guy he took six years off and now he's back to stand-up comedy again put your hands together for david berdulis over here all right thanks tony so you guys hear about this Mars One mission that they're doing? It's a one-way death trip colonization mission to Mars for 90 volunteers. I think it sounds awesome. Just take all your earthly responsibilities and just flush them straight down the toilet. Like, if you need a guy smoking weed, playing Xbox all day on Mars, I'm signing up. So I check out the website, and their pitch to get volunteers is all wrong.

It's talking about being like Christopher Columbus, remembered for a thousand years. Who cares? It should be one simple slogan. Not on Mars. Think about what that means. So many things for so many people. For me, am I going to have to pay off my student loans

that I'm currently drowning in? Not on Mars. Am I going to have a hard time getting laid? Because there's only 89 other people up there. Not on Mars. Am I ever going to have to heat my studio apartment with an oven again? Not on Mars. But there's a downside too. Probably. Are there any hot chicks on Mars? Not on Mars. Am I ever going to look out the window and see anything other than a red desert hellscape? Not on Mars. Am I going to have more than 165 days to live?

Not on Mars. But that's cool because is it considered suicide? Not on Mars. Thanks, everybody. Holy moly, that is amazing. Your not on Mars is a modern day get her done. And I'm really excited about that. You're like Larry the Wi-Fi guy or something like that. Where does this act work?

Not on Earth. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. That was so funny. Okay. David Berdulis. Now, we started together, right? And we did it together and opened mics all the time for two years.

Correct. And then you disappeared. Yes. He's got another gig. That's my car. That's my parking. The phone's ringing right now. Look at you.

Oh, your meter's up? Yeah, pretty much. He's got 10 minutes. 10-minute buffer. Oh, wow. Look at you. Oh, your meter's up? Yeah, pretty much. It's got 10 minutes. 10 minute buffer. Oh, wow. Look at you. Very well prepared. Way to set your timer in the middle of the show. You know where you don't have to worry about parking.

Not on Mars. Thank you. Fuck yeah. You really didn't need to say it on that one. But you pretty much stopped the laughter with that not on Mars. Way to really blow that one. So David, you quit stand-up comedy two years in. Well, I took an eight-year break.

Most people might call that. Oh, it was an eight-year break? Oh, six. Six years. There's no real six-year break, right? You just pretty much start over. Yeah, you start over from scratch. Right.

And they're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you felt very nervous. I felt your nervousness, and you kind of sounded like you were nervous. You sounded like me after having sex, and I'm like, do you want a water? You're like, I'm trying not to die, you know.

Yeah, it sounded like you just got done masturbating. So David, what made you stop comedy? A general lack of a desire to do anything, pretty much. I guess it would be called depression? I don't know. Really? Well, actually, that's most people's way of starting stand-up comedy, but I guess you took a

different approach. So, now, let me ask you this, then. What made you start back up? What has it been, a few weeks now or something like that? I mean, that's how often I've seen you here. You told me that you've signed up for the show three weeks in a row, didn't get up. Yeah, well, it is a little, I don't know, it kind of messes with your head when your weed dealer asks what you're doing with your life. So I figured I had to do something.

So you started selling pot. Well, that too. Wow, that didn't get the laugh it should have. So how long have you been doing it again? This is actually the first time I've gotten up Since I've said I'm coming back Have you been trying to perform other places Or are you just shooting for this one minute a week gig? No, I mean I've been signing for the open mic outside

And went over to the improv last week But also didn't get on the list there You should be doing as many open mics as possible, because your problem isn't in your writing. It's in the fact that you sound like your head's about to explode at any given point. There's guaranteed open mics, like Ha Ha Cafe. You can guarantee you get a spot every single day. Sal's Comedy Hole, when they're doing it, almost everything. Hold on, what are these again?

And through this simple repetition of doing these open mics, you're going to lose bad habits like taking the mic directly out of the mic stand and sitting on a stool as fast as you possibly can. And keeping the stand in front of you. Right. Normal stuff. Which, by the way, Pat Jansen kept the mic stand in front of him too, which is really strange for an obsessive compulsive comedian to do that.

Yeah, I noticed that. I didn't even notice that. You guys don't remember that guy from four minutes ago? Alright. Smart crowd tonight. That's something we say almost every show also that we don't even want to say anymore. But we should have that at the beginning like,

comics, please take mic stand and put behind you. Like at the beginning of the show. Well, I mean, I guess. It was a lot of, it was a very dramatic moment for him. I mean, as I get it, this is your first time on stage in how many years? Six. Six years.

Wait, you haven't done any other open mic? Yeah. Jesus Christ. So he hasn't been up in six fucking years. And you didn't even end up in that six years. You never went to Mars after all that? You talk about it that much? You were on Earth?

Not that I'm obsessive compulsive. You got three minutes on the meter. I'm fine. I'm just worried. I'm just worried I'm going to get a ticket. Pat Jansen couldn't control himself. He put money in it for you. Don't worry. So David, I mean, it seems like you really want to be doing this,

but... I haven't done enough research on where all the open mics are. That's one of the things when I've been coming back here. I haven't really been talking to anybody. I could just hear a hard-working, grinding comedian in the back of the room just go, like, what a terrible excuse. That was Davina farting.

Oh, yeah, that's good. Davina's giving a lap dance up there. I love it how every time Bob says a killer joke, he grabs his pen and writes it down. Like that'll work at horn blowers. Remember that in Ventura County. That's going to work on a bilingual ship in Philadelphia.

So David, what else? I just think this is a huge... I mean, this is a major thing you did tonight. So, fuck the mic stand. You know what I mean? Right. Fuck sitting on, I'm not a fan of sitting on stools, period. I mean, literally, the one comic I think who iconically would sit when he delivered stand-up was pre-rape Cosby.

So, unless you're putting yourself into that league, to me. Mark Maron does it. Cosby. So, unless you're putting yourself into that league, to me, but you know what I mean? Like seasoned veterans, because there's an authorship to that that I don't think you're at yet. It's fine. I get that. I think you'd rather pace, because you already have the energy there. That's what you're talking about? Or pacing jokes?

It felt artificial. It felt like you were intentionally entrapping yourself. If your body's telling you to pace, then pace and dial that back. Don't take such an extreme that you're sitting down, because if you're a pacing comedian, I mean, Chris Rock doesn't sit on a stool because he's a pacing comedian. He kills as a pacing comedian.

And there's other guys that sit on a stool, so you might as well just do what Chris Rock does if that's what your body's telling you to do, instead of doing what Bill Cosby does. Anyway. Distance myself from Cosby. Go more Chris Rock if that's what your body's telling you to do. Well, all I can say is I've been in your position. I quit doing stand-up comedy.

I also came back. So much like Pat earlier, you're looking at the ghost of Christmas future here. So, yeah, I know it's a huge step. So that in and of itself is a victory. Just keep doing it now. You've gotten the hard part out of the way. Yeah, I've got to talk to Davina about it.

Hit the ground hard. Yeah, hit the ground harder for sure. Pat Reagan, what do you think about David Berdulis? I see you staring at him. You're like eyeballing him up and down, really thinking of something over there. What's going on? Oh, no, I'm just, okay, I noticed your Angelo Bowers Livestrong bracelet, which is kind of interesting.

I mean, obviously, R.I.P. Angelo Bowers, but, yeah, like, why are you wearing that? It's really funny that you said that. I got a little bit chilly earlier and grabbed a jacket out of my car. I put it on and felt something in the pocket. It was two extra Angelo wristbands. We had one of the funniest comedians ever that was like the strongest classmate that a lot of the people that started around me had was Angelo Bowers.

And he got killed by a drunk driver a few years ago. So you'll notice a lot of his friends, we wear this silly thing. We get a new one every year. Some guy makes a, I don't know why we do it, but we just do it. I guess to keep the memory. I have one twisted around my balls right now. But anyway, right, exactly.

I keep two there. But David was talking to me earlier, and at the same time I found an Angelo thing, and I go, hey, you used to do this with Angelo right and he goes yeah and I tossed it to him and then you just roasted him on it

go pay your fucking tat or your parking there you go do it David everybody it's a rough spot to be in it's always hard it's always hard to do comedy when you know your meter's running out.

It's always a tough position. You know what it was? He wasn't in the moment. You know what I mean? He wasn't really there. He was reciting that set. That's why he was so... I'm sure it could have been much funnier. It's like, if you're doing

Fiddler on the Roof every night, you've got to be there as Tevye, whoever it is. You've got to be there at the moment, whatever it is. I think I get exactly what you're saying, and I agree. David Berdulis should go try out for Fiddler on the Roof. Precisely. The buzz is back. Maybe Josh can come up here and slam some microphones together and fix it.

Let's just keep it going. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Scott Duggan. Scott Duggan, here he comes. Everybody has a fancy title for their job now Even my dominatrix has a fancy job title She's like, I'm not a dominatrix, Scott I'm your dental hygienist Sugarcoat it all you want, lady We both know I'm paying you to stab me in the gums

Berate me for having a filthy mouth. Disgusting. You like that Macaulay Culkin? If I were the guy at ISIS in charge of recruiting young men, I would make it seem way more hip and trendy. And I would start by changing the name from ISIS to Turban Outfitters. Great. Okay. I guess if you just bail out at 43 seconds, it just ends that awkwardly. Okay. All right. Well, the Turban Outfitters thing

didn't work for you, but it did work for Zach Galifianakis in his special live from the Purple Onion. He said it a lot better. Just saying it's not a no. I'm just trying to help the kids that he doesn't repeat jokes that have been heard by three million people.

And what was the other thing? Oh, yeah, the dental hygienist. Definitely nobody's ever talked about that before, and there's a reason why. All right. Too rough on Scott, guys. Scott, where are you from? hygienist. Definitely nobody's ever talked about that before and there's a reason why. Alright. Too rough on Scott, guys. Scott, where are you from? Greensburg, Pennsylvania. Oh, wow.

Fuck yeah. You should put the mic back in the mic stand and then take it out every time. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. Just question for question. Just pop it out again. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Less than a year. Less than a year. Yeah. All right. Do you have anything else to fill the remaining 17 seconds of that minute? Sure, yeah. Do we give them time? Sure, why not?

Since you're going. Could we give them? Yeah, sure. Do you have a 17-second joke? Sure. Go for it. We don't want to end on that one. Okay.

Go for it. The other night, my girlfriend told me she wants to get a teacup chihuahua. She said, it's a dog that is this big. It never gets bigger than this, no matter how much it eats. I'm like, awesome. Can I get a teacup girlfriend? Wow. There you go.

See, that's a good one. Wow. Better than Curb and Outfitters. What super famous comedian's joke was that? Did you know that? Had you heard that before? Did you make that up? The Turban Outfitters.

No, I get it. By the way, the only reason I know that just to show you exactly how it works. The only reason I know that is because I once wrote that for something and found out afterwards that it had already been done. Wait, he literally says turban outfitters? I think so, or at least some asshole

told me that. But if not... Scott, you look like you're dressed in suburban outfitters. Whoa, Pat Reagan from Three Point Range. Wow, man. I knew something was brewing over there. Pat Reagan from Three Point Range. Wow. I knew something was brewing over there. Scott, do you always chew gum on stage? I'm super nervous. This is my first time here at the store.

I didn't want to get dry mouth. Wow. That's an interesting method. You get dry mouth a lot when you're nervous? Yeah. Good answer. What do you do for work? Freelance production assistant.

I used to moonlight at a hotel. Nice. You want to take over the sound for this show? Because I'm pretty sure Josh Martin's back there daydreaming. What are you looking at, by the way, Josh? Are you watching the live stream of this right now? Really? Oh, my God. Can't you tell since you're watching?

Why would you watch that instead of just watching the show? You have a laptop in front of you, and you're watching what's right in front of you. The only thing blocking you from watching the show is the fact that you're watching the show. Everything's backwards with him, but I fucking love him, and I can't stop liking Josh Martin for some reason.

I just checked Turban Outfitters. It is a Zach Galifianakis joke. It's also a t-shirt. Boom, there you go. Throwing that one away. There you go, absolutely. You mean your t-shirt that you have that has it on it. Likeable?

Yeah. Can we not agree that he's very likeable? A little bit likeable. He also sort of looks a little unlikable, like a little bit like a Lannister, right? I mean, I could totally see that. He could probably play both roles. There's something really McConaughey about him,

sort of like surfboard shirtless, but without the talent. Yeah, without the... What are these O's? Either you laugh or you don't say O. We're not playing this. Yeah, without the... What are these O's? Either you laugh or you don't say O. We're not playing this game. What was the... What was the Macaulay Culkin reference, dude? You think you look like Macaulay Culkin

or what? I didn't get that. Yeah, people used to tell me I look like Macaulay Culkin. When you were five, right? People used to tell you you look like Macaulay Culkin before everybody forgot who Macaulay Culkin was. I look like him after the heroine. People used to tell me that I look like Squints from the Sandlot, but I don't expect people to remember that.

What are these O's? Did you bring your whole family to watch you debut at the comedy store tonight? Why is the crowd turning on me? I have a massive fan base here. I think there's a part for you in Fiddler on the Roof. I got a feeling.

What are your productionist PA jobs on? Great question. Just freelance. Last thing I did was an equipment prep day for Bar Rescue. Before that, it's mostly reality TV commercials. No good stories come out of any of that?

You don't see anything? Oh, no, no. I do have a great story. Here we go. I was a production assistant on Nicole Richie's reality show. Okay, there we go. And our last day of shooting was at Lionel Richie's mansion. And I took a poop in Lionel Richie's house. Yeah! Fuck yeah!

Wow. Dude, drop the mic and walk out of here. Don't drop the mic. It sounds already terrible. Josh will go nuts. It might fix it, actually. Wow, so you pooped at Lionel Richie's house. That's the big story.

And then put in his backpack. Brought his backpack. 43 seconds of stand-up. He keeps it in a little Ziploc bag with Lionel Richie's toilet water still in it. Sort of like a little he keeps it in a little ziplock bag with Lionel Richie's toilet water still in it sort of like a goldfish you win at a festival so Scott

I forget what's Lionel Richie what's his big thing all night long hello is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes white guys half-heartedly say it. Scott, congratulations. You took a lot of hard shots from me tonight.

And you also took a dump in Lionel Richie's house. That's right. I shit on you like a toilet at Lionel's house. There you go. Scott, is it Duggan? Duggan. There you go. Scott Duggan. There he goes. First spot at the

Comedy Store. We're popping cherries here tonight. Dreams are coming true. Epic. A lot of people's first times at the Comedy Store. Good luck, Scott, whatever you decide to do. It's clearly... Yeah, it was an

honor to have Scott for his first and last time at the Comedy Store. So cool. Alright. Your next comedian, I know this guy. He actually makes a lot of the cool art for Kill Tony. A lot of the cool fan art. He is a rising comedian through the ranks.

Came from Chicago. Really cool guy. Sometimes he's a little bit too stoned to actually perform when he gets pulled out, but let's see how he does tonight. It's Ian Ellis, everybody. Here he is. Oh, my God. Pat, I love you, but if you're the new Patriot, your chances of being murdered have gone up exponentially.

A lot of people sign up for this and want to be the Patriot, and if it's just you, you're probably going to get stabbed, man. Haiti wants to be 99. He's going to get fucking stabbed by it with a fucking machete. That's some black shit. I like giving advice to guys going through breakups. Every guy in this room

has written at least one breakup note. They'd rather die than have read out loud. Here's how you go through a breakup with your dignity intact. First, you agree with the breakup with a single word, and then you walk the fuck out. So your broad says to you, I don't think it's working out, stars in the moon, we should

see other people, whatever, whatever. You say, cool, and you walk the fuck out. And what that does is it crushes a woman's soul. Sometimes Brian doesn't play the cat and he takes a chance and plays another thing and it just comes across as absolutely confusing this was one of those moments right then if you're wondering what that organ meant are you punching your time is hurting my alcoholism all right you already bombed for a minute straight uh i love it out of all the comed comedians that are drinking coffee tonight, you seem the most tired.

Fuck yeah. I love that you opened up Guns Ablazing with a 25-second long inside joke between you and Pat Reagan. You went for it. I'm pretty sure that you're going to kill Pat Reagan and that the evidence of that murder just streamed out live on the internet.

I love that he got such a kick out of himself. Imagine if the audience actually laughed like you were laughing. How much fun that would have been. Remember, Dom, he kills people. Please don't kill Pat Reagan. And if you do, tell Art Hernandez Sr. that would have been. Remember, just remember Dom, he kills people. Please don't kill Pat Reagan. And if you do, tell Art Hernandez Sr. that we said hello. Remember that from earlier, everybody?

That brilliant callback? You motherfuckers. Anyway. Pay attention. By the way, I love your work. Seriously. I used to watch you years ago. Before you quit

and became obsessive compulsive and went to Mars. Oh, really? You're very funny. I mean, what were you thinking? Because I was... I was thinking

he must be thinking of stuff that's funny. He's just not saying it. Right. I was thinking I got 30 seconds. There's no way I can get through this what do you have in that cup

what's going on there was it that important to bring it up because I mean it's bright and silver it's reflective like you're trying to confuse the audience with your cup so they don't hear what you're saying what is this like some kind of bad ventriloquist act where you just hold the the mug and it's supposed to do something

I thought for sure only at 30 seconds so I was like I'll just bullshit the mug and it's supposed to do something? I thought for sure only at 30 seconds. So I was like, I'll just bullshit the first 20 seconds, 30 seconds. You didn't bullshit. You issued a death threat. Pat, do you have a response to this, by the way? Right. Hey, you motherfucker.

You piece of shit. What are you doing? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. He wants to be the goddamn patriot. What are you doing? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. He wants to be the goddamn patriot. What are you doing? I think what we're doing is killing air time. What do you

what is this mean? This thing that you keep talking about. About the co-host of the show. Is he the new patriot? We're just fucking around. You know how we do it here. We change shit on the fly. Would you be jealous if he was? I wouldn't, but I know that Haiti wants to be 99 on the Patriot list.

He's dying for it. I love him. He's a good guy. You're talking. This is another inside reference. You're talking about a comedian friend of yours named Haiti wants to be the Patriot on another episode that's not this one. This is a fucking African guy. He's got a very

expressive face. Here we go. I brought him up as the guy that sometimes gets too high to do the show and I'm pretty sure now you see why. Holy shit, Ian Ellis. I've never seen anybody drink weed coffee before. Unbelievable. But we're going to let you go

on this one. I just saw all of the listeners quit listening It's unbelievable. But we're going to let you go on this one. I think we've... I just saw all of the listeners quit listening because you were up here. So, Ian, you're done for the night. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Check out... Oh, Jesus.

...Kill Tony One Shot. There you go. Thank you. They know, Ian. They're already watching Kill Tony. Not a lot of people have the balls to give a promo to a show that they're at right now, but I'm pretty sure Ian Ellis just did that. Follow him on

Twitter at ChicagoOpenMike. And yeah, check out Kill Tony sometime. Unbelievable. Alright, let's do it again. God only knows what can happen, as you've seen. Put your hands together for Tom Howard. A struggle with alcoholism. I don't drink. It's just a difficult word for me to spell.

I hate texting. It's nothing like a real conversation. Imagine if texting was like a conversation. Hey, Tom, how's your day? Good, Greg, yours? So you doing anything later? Come back the next day? Nah. I'm going to call it there. How much time do I got?

17 seconds. I swear to God. It's another 43. The thing I'm looking forward to most of my life is when I turn 40 so I can get my prostate exam. That way when the doctor pulls down my trousers, I'll have googly eyes based on both my buttholes. Okay. Should have cut it at 43 seconds, I guess. Fuck yeah.

Tom Howard, everybody. Good job, man. I like your style. Really fun. Another, I mean, how long have you been doing stand-up? October. Really? Nice. Really? Nice.

Wow. Jeez Louise, you're funny for that reason. Are you an actor? You perform somewhere else before this? No, that's just kind of college, then stand-up. Man, I guess you just make it look easy. The second to last joke you did, the one that you thought you were over with,

I liked it, but there needs to be some rewriting to that because there just needs to be some things switched, I think. The texting? Sort of. Well, the thing is that it can have a bigger button. When you say, hey, are you doing anything tonight? The next day he wouldn't say, nah. You would say something else like, hey, man you know just just hey man just saw this now

you know or anything i mean there's a thousand different ways you can go i think because your joke was the next day what are you doing tonight and then you said the next day you're like nah or whatever it was so i saw the joke but you just it just need there you need to rewrite it because there is a punch there it's just how you say it's kind of just lets it fizzle out and people are like almost like a math joke, almost. People are like, oh. You know what, Ty? You get out of that joke because you get out like a dick pic joke there where you just

like take your dick out. Yeah. There you go. Pat just finished the joke for you. That's a good point. I think you should lose the whole text bit and then the rest of the stuff I love. But just the whole texting bit. Take that out. I was a little bit earlier at work today. Dom's not a love, but just a whole texting bit. Take that out.

Dom's not a big fan of text messages. I'm kidding. Bob, anything for Tom? No, I thought you were going to be actually a Stephen Wright-like comic when you started out. You know what I mean? You did a very Stephen Wright sort of a set-up punch kind of abstract

observational type joke, but then you kind of delved into the text thing, which didn't really go anywhere at the end. It sort of fizzled out at the end. Do you have more that lend itself towards one type of joke or the other, or is it sort of that mix of the two? It's usually a mix, basically. I just kind of work

in whatever comes to my head. Were you influenced at all by the setup punch classics, like Stephen Wright or someone like that? I mean, kind of. I thought of the joke when I was pretty high. How are you doing? It's a shame Ian Ellis couldn't think of jokes when he was high. I don't think I could hang at all.

Right. It would be terrifying to hang. To hang? With Ellis. I don't finish sentences. Okay. It's going to be a problem with comedy. So fix that.

Yeah. But no, I thought it was a great opener very good opener one of the things I really loved about that opener was that his body was facing us but his head was facing the audience I know it was sort of like he was at bat I almost thought that was his thing like hey you see the comedian

that faces to the side and looks at the audience that would be brilliant nobody does that plant your feet to the side and looks at the audience? I thought he was like, That would be brilliant. Right. He could be that guy. Nobody does that. Right. That could be what he's known for. Plant your feet.

You could do more model poses. And then look at the audience and do one more bit. No, I'm being serious. Maybe turn all the way around and look back at it. Like back at the audience. Yeah.

Yeah, like that. Nobody does that for a solid 20 minutes. They do that in West Hollywood. Yeah. Tom, we're going to move along. Thanks, Tom. Tom is at TheRealLastMohegan on Twitter. Follow him.

Ian Ellis is at Chicago Open Mic. Follow him. Guys, this is the part of the show where every week, instead of going to the bucket, we have two regulars, two young ladies that have been writing a brand new minute ever since the start of the show where every week, instead of going to the bucket, we have two regulars. Two young ladies that have been writing a brand new minute ever since the start of the show. They are extremely funny. It's always fun to have them and watch them grow

and try out new stuff. Probably the only two people I know that actually write a new minute every single week. And it's always a blast. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night, formerly a student at the University of Florida, and after her first time on kill tony she decided to stay here in la and write a new minute every single week and perform it here she is again it's the one and only kimberly congan

everybody i am from florida um and I noticed something about that. I noticed that people in Florida decided to name their football teams specifically after things that hurt Floridians. Like Miami Hurricanes, Florida Gators, Miami Dolphins. And I know what you're thinking, dolphins, right? But I had a best friend who was raped by Dan Marino. I can closely compare myself to the UF football players

because I also did three years and then went straight to the pros. I quit college to do stand-up. The end. 55 new seconds from Kimberly Condon. Amazing jokes. I mean, there you are. You're right there talking about where you're from. Stuff personal to you.

And I love that Miami joke. That's really good. That was uncomfortable for me, by the way, because I have an almost exact same joke as you on my dolphin bit. Dan Marino. The exact same joke? Almost. Almost.

Pretty close. So it's almost the exact same joke? It's about Dan Marino being a dolphin. You know my joke. What the fuck are you talking about? No, I don't. I'm confused. But I don't.

I'm sorry. Anyways, but yeah, that was uncomfortable for me because I was just like, wait a second. Have you seen my bit before about dolphins and Dan Marino? There you go. Best joke of the night. Brian had it. Boom. Just when you. Brian had it. Boom. Just when you thought

you made it. I can't believe you did that to her. I'm sorry. I mean, it's my closer, so it's kind of weird. Is it really?

I mean, I feel like I've never heard, I've heard you talk about dolphins raping people. Yeah, I've heard you talk about dolphins raping people. What's your Dan Marino twist?

You didn't specify the actual player. Let me give you my closer right now. I'll just take the 15 minute joke and give you the juice right now. Would it make it better if she changed hers to Larry Zonka?

I was going to do the guy that just got the guy with the weird name the new one, but I couldn't pronounce the name today, so I was like, I'll say Dan Marino because everybody knows. Yeah, just go with another. You can do Larry Zonka and then it's not almost the exact same joke.

Fuck yeah. Great joke. I can't, I'm not going to get involved in this subtext here. But as somebody who likes jokes, that was really good. Thank you. Very good. Let's put it this way. I love your joke, the both of you.

Yeah. You guys work beautifully together or individually. I love the premise, the both of you. Yeah. You guys work beautifully together or individually. I love the premise, by the way. I was literally in my head trying to think of more universities and their mascots. Nothing came to me. I laughed at the premise. As a sports fan and someone who has knowledge of what you were going into, I thought that was a great premise.

I don't know if you can explore it even more or expand the bit. Love that. Love that totally. Cool. Love that. Love that totally. Cool. Thank you. I was trying to figure out how to make the three-year straight into the prose to explain it more about stand-up. Because I feel like some people don't understand what I mean by that. I didn't understand what you meant by that.

Right. That was a very Ian Ellis insight joke move. But you dropped out of college after three years. Yeah. And then started stand-up comedy. Yeah. Yeah, that part's probably never going to work. Unless I said it in the beginning of my

in a longer set. Like I dropped out of college three years ago. That's only for football. It's not basketball. So it makes it kind of confusing. Right, because you can drop right out immediately. Dom actually did that. Alright. A hundred years ago. Kim, I think you gotta

stop eating lunch with Red Band. Because you guys are thinking of the same thing. Your minds are fused. Next thing you know, you're going to be on the same cycle. Stop being a cock blocker. Moon cycle. Fuck yeah. Well, there you go.

Another brand new minute from Kimberly Congdon. There she goes. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon. I couldn't think of another dolphin. Your final comedian of the night. The other regular that does a brand new minute every single week. Put your hands together for her. Very funny styling.

Sarah Weinshank, everybody. What's up? I have a problem with Hangman. I think that's a bullshit game. You want to know why kids are illiterate? It's because they've been playing Hangman. If they don't figure out the word, they're afraid of being dismembered or lynched.

Wrong message, guys. Like, who decided that was a good idea guys give birth to a man kind of make it like wheel of fortune and in the end he's either gonna die or he's only gonna have a few limbs i just like i don't understand like at least in fucking video games you're defending yourself against weaponry and hangman you're just making people with half body parts

it's bullshit alright fuck yeah that's exactly one minute hell yeah I don't mean to be busting your balls but I used to end with alright Alright Fuck yeah that's exactly one minute Hell yeah I don't mean to be busting your balls But I used to end with alright too It's just weird

I'm just saying It's almost the exact same way he said it Yeah Almost exactly And wearing the same skirt that he usually wears. Maybe replace Alright with Larry Zonka. You can't stop the doctor.

Oh my god, it's so funny. So Sarah, what happened? Did you get molested by a hangman when you were a kid? What is this beef you have with hangmans? I just was thinking about it and I was like, you know, tic-tac-toe, that's cool. I could fuck with tic-tac-toe. I could fuck with that game where you make those squares.

But hangman is a little fucked up. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's like, figure out this word or else this man's going to die. That's what was missing yeah you didn't explore the topic i felt like you were kind of talking at with the topic that you were trying to right there you were kind of figuring it out yeah and there's more of a realization there the way you

just said it yeah then there was when you came up i thought you came up here with a little too strident and convinced of what it was you were saying. I wasn't quite sure what you were saying. You know Bob loves you when he starts doing this hand thing. That's basically what he's saying. When he starts throwing you imaginary footballs like Dan Marino used to do, then you know he loves you. But you see what I'm saying?

Now I get what you were trying to go for there. Yeah, because that was more straightforward. Before I was talking around it. That was a great simple way of summarizing a beloved game we all played as children. A beloved game. Right? Hangman.

What else is a strident if you didn't catch that? Strident. Stridently beloved. Vocabulary with Bob. So that's something that I think... strident strident vocabulary with Bosh but yeah so that's something that I think what part of this week

did you write Hangman I've been working on the Hangman thing and trying to think about things about it all week I wrote it like a week ago

and then I've been trying to add to it and I haven't been able to so I was like I'm gonna do it on Keltoni see like how it goes

right but like I've just been writing Hangman over and over again. Then I wrote Lynch. Then I wrote Dismembered. Then I drew out the thing. I got nothing, but there's something here.

That's why I'm just working through it. It is true. The only thing sadder than a complete Hangman is a half-hung amputee. You know what I mean? Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. There she goes.

She's on Twitter, Princess Schenck. There you go. That's Kill Tony. We did it again. Pat Reagan's on Twitter. Patty Reagan, anything else coming up that you want to promote? Nope. Bob O'Shack is Shackknife on Twitter.

Shackknife, that's easy enough. Dom Irera is Dom Irera. Anything else you guys want to promote? Congratulations on coming up on 100 of these. Thank you so much. That's easy enough. Dom Irera's Dom Irera. Anything else you guys want to promote? Congratulations on coming up on a hundred of these. Thank you so much. A hundred of these things. That's amazing. You guys are a great crowd too. Thank you.

Thank you live audience for coming out. The Ding Dong Show starts next. Don Barris is back from South by Southwest. So stick around for that if you want. Remember, San Fran, Sacramento, middle of May. And Vancouver 420. That's right.

Kill Tony 100, April 13th. Thank you, live audience, and good night. Good night. Outro Music Thank you.