KILL TONY - KILLTONY #123

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

Benji Aflalo, Jason Gilearn, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 10/03/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBan, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Don't forget you can subscribe to Kill Tony now on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony, hit subscribe, and don't forget to rate and review the show. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming on the road. I mean, we're going on the road. Me and Tony are coming to Pittsburgh on November 27th. This is Thanksgiving

weekend, guys. We're bringing Kill Tony on the road, and it's going to be followed by a comedy show. So, if you live in Pittsburgh, and if you want to do comedy, if you've always wanted to be on Kill Tony, sign up will be before the show. So, that's at 8pm.m.

November 27th in Pittsburgh at the Arcade Comedy Theater. And it's followed by at 10.30 a Death Squad comedy show with me and Tony and some surprise guests. And one person that we pick out from Kill Tony will be able to open up for us

at the Death Squad show at 10.30. You can get combo tickets and can get all the tickets for it by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates. Now, two days later, November 29th, we'll be in Ohio. Same thing, except that we start at 7 o'clock for Kill Tony, followed by the comedy show at 9 o'clock. Again, go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. You can always see Kill Tony in Los Angeles by going to the Belly Room at 8 o'clock.

That's a free show, and that's every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. And then Tuesday, we got Verbal Violence Roast Battle every Tuesday and every Friday. We're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, so check it out. Every Friday, we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. So check it out. Don't forget to go to shopsquad.tv and get all the official Death Squad merchandise. You could also pre-order right now the original T-shirt, the original Death Squad T-shirt. You can pre-order the re-release of it.

It's remixed yellow and black. And don't forget to check out the hats, like the McDonald's stripes, the Lucky 3D. A bunch of new stuff at shopsquad.tv and last but not least, don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to get all the latest Tony's all over the place, he's like in a different city every week, so check him out

while you can alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hatchcliff! Oh yeah! Fuck yeah! It's Monday night, everybody. We did it again.

Put your hands together. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. He just sang his heart out to you. Live audience. This is crazy that we can do this every Monday. Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. So much fun.

Keep it going for your house artists. Right now with a blank sheet of paper, Ryan J. Ebelt sitting right over here. He's going to draw tonight's episode. Fuck yeah. At the end of the episode, there's going to be a whole drawing there of what happened tonight,

but right now it's nothing. The great art of Ryan J. Ebelt. Check out his work at ryanjebelt.com. What are these? We have a sponsor for tonight. We are going to give a shout out to Sherman's Gourmet Cookies. These cookies are

powerful as fuck. I had one. We're excited about them. Did you eat some of this? Should we eat half right now? No. All right.

No. So Sherman's Gourmet. What do you got over there? What do you got? Picnic baskets? What? Well, we can't eat them right now. This guy obviously gets high on his own supply.

We can't eat the cookies right now because it's a live show. But thank you. I'm going to guess your name's Sherman. Thank you, Sherman. Moving on. Fuck yeah. This is why a lot of people don't have edibles as their sponsors. Because the edible guy's like, I got more over here.

I got some for everybody. And then the audience all of a sudden starts thinking, maybe I should eat some. And then everything gets off its hinges quick. So I'm already excited about tonight's episode. Yeah. How was everything? I saw you riding private jets, you in front of thousands of people. Tens of thousands

of people. I just did Oddball Comedy Fest this weekend, guys. That's awesome. I was in a private jet. Now, I know you guys don't know what it's like to ride in a private jet because you guys are what I like to call, after riding in a private jet because you guys are what I like to call,

after riding in a private jet, fucking peasants. So, you know, maybe I could explain it to you. What ends up happening is you're on a private jet with other people that are on a private jet, and you're all friends with them, and it's just a bunch of comedians on a private jet, and what ends up happening is you just talk about being on a private jet the entire time. don't really have any other conversations you just keep

going holy shit this is amazing and then you go into of course like how the rat pack was on a private jet and then you end up asking the one hot stewardess uh who else has been on the private jet and she tells you Jay-Z and Beyonce and then you're like well what did they, what snacks did they eat when they were on the private jet? And that's really about it. You find out about like how you know maybe Nicki Minaj only eats half of each and every

snack and never finishes a whole snack. Maybe you learn things like that, but you guys don't know that because you don't ride on private jets. Pat, you know there's an app that you can get called JetSmarter that anyone like us could get a private jet going anywhere

for like $200 each? You're kidding me. $200? Yeah, it sounds like a great fucking deal. I know I trust that pilot. That failed fucking Uber driver. Yeah. It's actually kind of cool. There is

an app that when private jets have to fly back to wherever their airport is, they'll put it on the app and go, hey, for $500, I'm going to go to San Francisco for 12 people. Up to 12 people. Right now, the edible guy is like, I thought I was the sponsor of tonight's show. No, private jets, turns So you can just like get like a quick one. Right now the edible guy is like, I thought I was the sponsor of tonight's show.

No, private jets. Turns out you can get higher on a private jet than you can on Sherman's gourmet cookies. Guys, let's jump right into the episode. We have a lot of fun shows coming up. I'm in Chicago this weekend. Portland coming up. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com and buy tickets to my future live shows for those of you that are watching live right now on Ustream. And we're going to be in Ohio, back

home. And Pittsburgh on Thanksgiving weekend. And Desk Squad's secret show Wednesday with Dom Herrera and a bunch of other secret guests. Fun stuff coming up, but first, shall we Monday night? Another amazing episode of Kill Tony. Here we go. Every single week

I have two of the funniest comedians in the world come on this show. This week is absolutely no different. From The Tonight Show, Comedy Central, two of the best comedians, two of my best friends, and two of the funniest writers in the entire world, I give to you the great Jason Galern and Benji Aflalo. Yeah. Benji Aflalo yeah Jason DeLearn Benji Aflalo

two of my favorite comedians in the world two of the guys with the worst vision I know thanks for joining welcome back this is like both of your third or fourth time something like that for me I've been on this a few times I'm happy to be back with Benji Thanks for joining. Welcome back. This is like both of your third or fourth time. Something like that for me.

I've been on this a few times. Yeah. Yeah, I'm happy to be back with Benji because I cannot be an asshole. I'm an asshole, but I can't be an asshole to any comedians. Bullshit. And Benji definitely can. So this is like very Buddhist yin-yang. This will be good. I don't think I'm an asshole.

But you can be one. You could be one. I just't think I'm an asshole. But you can be one. You could be one. I just try to be honest, say what comes to my head. That's right. And that's what we're all trying to do. Well, I just told the guy, I said, I know a guy, if he comes up, I'm like, I can't be an asshole to him because he's been doing stand-up longer than me. I'm like, what do I tell him? And he said, just tell him to quit.

Yeah. So I said, okay. Yeah, there's no, I don't believe in too much like senior. I'm pretty respectful of just other comedians in general, but just because you've been doing it a long time

doesn't mean. I think that supersedes that. For me, like, anyone older than me, I think the Japanese have it right. I think, respect your elders,

but we'll see, we'll see what the fuck happens there. No. Guys. I can't be a dickhead. Obviously, Jason,

indulged in some of the Sherman's gourmet cookies before the show. He's talking Buddhism before the show even begins tonight. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll be a fucking dick. Live audience, are you ready to see this crazy shit? Every week, over 50 comedians sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds. They're all scattered behind you. If they're picked, they get

60 seconds of stage time. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear that sound of a kitty. Okie dokie. I guess we're alright. You completely skipped the Pat asks the question thing. Sorry. I know. The Pat asks the question

thing. It's getting a little beat to death. Pat, you have any questions for tonight's guest? Nah. Come on. No. Ask a question The Pat asked the question thing. It's getting a little beat to death. Pat, you have any questions for tonight's guest? Nah. Come on. No. Ask a question. Ask a fucking question while Brian loads his soundboard that keeps crashing over and over again. Alright, Jason. What's your least favorite city and why? My least

favorite city? This is why we haven't been asking questions. Comedians, there's that kitty. What's your least favorite city? He's too positive. This is what we just talked about. He's too positive.

What the fuck angers you nowadays? Yeah, he never gets angry. No, I know. I was just yelling at my kid about his fucking homework about an hour ago. And you're a teacher, so that has to be a real slap in the face. Yeah, well, he just wanted to do it to get it fucking done. I'm like, dude, you go to a fucking great school with a lot slap in the face. Yeah, yeah. Well, he just wanted to just do it to get it fucking done. I'm like, dude, you go to a fucking great school with a lot of smart kids. I'm spending money.

Do your fucking homework. Do people ever come up to you and be like, oh, it's Rob Halford from Judas Priest. Can I get your autograph? No. No. Pat. I don't have a least favorite city, but you're my least favorite comic now. So there you go.

Yeah. Oh, there it is! You set us up for that one. Horse of truth. But I do love Priest, though. For the record. Pat, what's your question for Benji? Try to dig yourself out of this fucking hole. Alright, Benji.

Hey, I saw your Vimeo video. Oh, cool. Benji made a pilot with Lil Esther. Loved it, by the way. Yeah. Thanks, dude. Loved it. What's up?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. There it is. That's the cat that lets you know that your time is up. Comedians, when you hear that after 60 seconds, wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Yeah, there it is. That's what it sounds like. So don't go over your time or else we're going to have to hear that. There's a rooster. Yeah, wait. I'd like to answer his question of what's up. Yeah. Not much.

Very good. Fuck yeah. Benji going back a few seconds earlier in the podcast to answer the question. Not much. What sound is that? I went to Target yesterday with my mom. Yeah? How was that?

It was awesome. She paid for everything. But you guys are rich. You still go to Target? Well, this is what I was like, Mom, I need some knives. And she was like, let's go to Williams-Sonoma. And I'm like, we're going to go to Williams-Sonoma. You're going to get me two things.

Let's go to Target and just fucking really hit it get some Swiffers hit all my marks wow how much did you spend in Target a lot come on it was hard to say because she bought some stuff too but I probably hit around 300 bucks at Target that's impressive that's how rich people shop

at Target that's like four cartloads sorry I had to stand for that. Wow, that's impressive. Love hanging out with my mom. Did you have your Mexican maid bring it all inside when you pulled up to the... You know, I took so long shopping at Target

that by the time I got home, the maid was gone. So now it's just piled up in a pile for her to get back there next week. Fuck yeah. What's her name again? Dolores. What's the old one's name? Yolanda. Which one raised you? Yolanda raised me,

but Dolores is the one who, Yolanda's at my parents' house still, so now Dolores comes to me. You've had sex with both of them? She's the best. That's disgusting, dude. Wow. Brian's over one.

Guys, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Are you ready for the show or what? You never answered the question. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Mike Wesley. How's everybody doing today? Hey, Mike.

Hang on. I only have 60 seconds. Last time I was on, I talked about my confidence. I asked my buddy the other day, what's a good way to become more confident? Pick my confidence up. And he said, hit me with this one. He's like, you got to fake it till you make it. I don't know what that means. You gotta really love somebody before somebody... Love yourself before somebody will love you. And I was like, hold on a minute, buddy. Love's a pretty strong word.

How about I just take myself to a movie or something and we'll see where it goes from there? I think I can wrangle a handjob or something after that at least. I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Not just on stage, but... I'm thinking about which one of my friends were going to die first. I hope it's me. Fuck yeah.

Mike Wesley. Why do you hope it's you? Oh, that was the first part of the joke. Okay, how does the rest go? I just, I didn't want to go through the torment of losing my friends. But I don't think they'd miss me enough, so I hope they all die first, because I would mourn them pretty well. Dude, you're breathing pretty hard over doing nothing. You might get your fucking wish.

Where did you come from? I ran up the stairs. You were at the bottom of those stairs when I called your name? Yeah. What were you doing down there? Hugging a child to death. Trying to get up here. You look like you just bear hug a kid and just not let go and squeeze tight.

Yeah, you do look like you hug things till they die. Bunny rabbits and shit. But dude, I'll let you hug me all night long. You look like you love your mother's cooking. I love all cooking. You seen me? Yeah, I have.

What do you do for work, Mike? Right now I'm answering the telephones For appliance companies across the country Wow Setting up appointments and stuff You are the whitest Indian I've ever seen I'm actually half Mexican

Really? Half Czech, Slovakian Wow, that's an interesting mix So your parents fucked in Little Armenia that's where those people cross over are you from LA? yeah, I was born and raised in Glendale ooh, nailed it Benji

I used to be in real estate so I know where the desirable tenants are and where they aren't why do you think you're so out of breath? Because you just ran up the stairs. You did a lot better than last time. That's like eight stairs. I don't know.

I mean, to still be out of breath is really like... But he's like 20 of you. What if there was a comic who was always out of breath and that was his shtick? And he had to run two miles and then get on stage and he's just so out of breath. You're like, is this guy going to die? This is hilarious.

Well, I was okay and then I heard stage and you're just so out of breath. You're like, is this guy going to die? This is hilarious. Well, I was okay, and then I heard my name, and then my heart started racing again. And I just got a little nervous because I didn't want Benji to make fun of me. Am I a monster? I told you. You did a lot better than last time, but this time you were really depressing

with the subject material. So it's like you're either nervous or you're nervous with depression. Yeah, what happened last time? I half remember you on last time. Was it your first time on stage or something? The last time it was my first time on stage. Yeah.

So how many times have you been on stage since then? I don't know, upwards of 20 maybe. Oh, nice. And that was what, about a month ago? July something. Oh, wow. A couple months what, about a month ago? July something. Oh, wow. A couple months ago. Fuck yeah.

How many appliances have been fixed in that time? How many appointments have you scheduled? I just, oh, how many appointments? 17. Quit your job,

do stand up, dude. Who are the worst like appliance owners? Like if a Kenmore person calls you, are they the most annoying consumer? Or is like a Viking range

type person more annoying because they're rich? Yeah. are they the most annoying consumer? Or is a Viking range type person more annoying because they're rich? Who's the most annoying? General Electric consumers? The companies I schedule for are mostly Whirlpool, so I don't really have a large range. It's mostly Whirlpool. The worst customers are definitely from Brooklyn,

though, from the Bronx. They're just mean. They're like, let me go to Whirlpool, you son of a bitch. It's not their fault. The company that I schedule for out there, sometimes they just don't show up to appointments and they just won't call

people back. I feel bad for them, but I still have to deal with them being mean to me. What's your next favorite thing to do other than doing stand-up? I like to swing dance. I've been swing dancing for 17 years. Oh my god. This guy's adorable. Yes. Has it really

been that long since you've been here? Swing dancing. Yeah. I haven't been able to sign up for a couple weeks and I was here and didn't get chosen, obviously. When's the last time you went swing dancing? Let's see. Labor Day weekend, there was a big thing at the Marriott.

It was a big thing. You missed out. Like a swing dancing festival? It was like 3,000 people. Are you known as the most out of breath swing dancer in the group? Or is there another one that just is fucking like oxygen tank gasping for air?

Dancing with an oxygen tank. I don't have to talk when I dance, so most people don't notice that I'm out of breath. Mostly they notice that I'm sweating. Do you get sweat stains in your zoot suit? I don't wear a zoot suit. Zoot suit joke, guys. Come on. I think you seem like a really fucking nice guy, man. Thank you.

I try to be nice. I hope you don't really want to die, right? You want to live a long fucking life. See what happens. I just wish that if I do die, my friends would miss me more, I think. I think, what the fuck? You need to get out of swing dancing, man. It's leading you down a road of weird shit.

Are most of your friends swing dancers? I have friends that swing dance. They're not comics. Mostly that joke is because I'm, you know, turning 40 now, and I've known a bunch of my buddies for over 30 years, so. It's fucking chatty back there. Shut up back there. Is your life like the nerdy version of swingers?

Like, instead of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, you're all just, like, hanging out eating pastries and stuff, going out swing dancing. I never meet Heather Graham. What's the craziest thing that's happened to you while swing dancing? You ever just been... That's not so crazy. That happens a lot.

Does it really? Do you get a boner sometimes while swing dancing? Yeah, sometimes sometimes I guess. Wow. I like dancing a certain kind of dance where you're close. And you get a boner. What's that called? Balboa.

The Balboa? Holy shit. It's the dance that they used to do in the 30s and 40s on the West Coast. As opposed to the Lindy Hop. Fuck yeah, for you swing dance connoisseurs. A little bit of history. Pretty convenient to like the dance that makes you hard.

I tend to be a connoisseur of the dick hard genre. Do you guys ever get a boner doing comedy? Never. Serious question. Never. Do you? No, not really. I'd like to be that free, though that free though that would be a lot of fun I know sometimes

I've had a boner and alright I was going to do a dumb joke but I'm bailing out of it Mike you're going soft yeah exactly it's true joke, but I'm bailing out of it. You're going soft.

Yeah, exactly. It's true. Mike, when you've been dancing with a boner, do you think the girls notice sometimes? Do they ever scream or vomit or anything like that? No, usually it's with somebody I'm pretty comfortable with so I'll just adjust myself and say

excuse me, sorry, and then continue. That's so nice somebody I'm pretty comfortable with so I'll just adjust myself and say excuse me sorry and then continue that's so nice I'm sorry you mean like a dude? fuck yeah I love this guy everybody loves the apology shuffle I think I'm so non-threatening

that they just don't believe that I would do anything again you've probably gotten more odds than any comedian I've ever had on this show threatening that they just don't they don't believe that i would do anything right again you've probably gotten more odds than any comedian i've ever had on this show and that was mostly women he's confessing that he boners on unsuspecting women and he's so likable that the girls are like oh fuck yeah you could sell something man you could sell like oh i'm not a salesman i feel like you could be at face of something adorable. As long as I didn't have to talk to people one-on-one, okay, maybe.

If you tried to sell me a muffin or a comforter, I'd be like, okay. Do you have a whirlpool or you just have to talk about them all day? I don't have to sell anything. All I do is go, when do you want to schedule for? That's not available. Is that why you want to kill yourself? Your job fucking sucks? I never said I wanted to kill myself.

You said you wanted to die. I want to die first. Accidentally. I don't want to die soon. Okay. The old timers in swing dancing, they're losing all their friends and things. I don't want to die soon. Okay, okay. Because, well, the old-timers in swing dancing, they're losing all their friends and things, and I thought, you know, I don't want to do that.

So it's a lot of older people. Older people is like the main swing. It's like bridge. No, no. There's generations. Like all the younger kids look up to the older generation, learn from them, and then... Doesn't it seem like swing dancers are also probably swingers?

Not as many as you might think imagine being so lonely that you start swing dancing and then you meet people that all start dying and then you're like oh god i wanted a whole new happy life and now all my friends are dying with an older lady on the swing dance floor and all of a sudden you have a boner with the old lady and she's like no? I haven't felt a boner since the Condor administration. Thank you. No. There are

some of the older ladies that get handsy though. Wow. Fuck yeah. When did you get into it? Because it was hip for a while here in LA. 98. It's still hip, really. Swing dancing is, oh wow. Just for the set, just to clarify, these are swing dancing

or swinger parties? Because now I'm not so sure. You like got handsy women? Swing dancing, like to 40s big band music, yeah. Right. I love it, Mike. You should definitely talk about swing dancing a lot because that's something that's very near and dear to you and I think that it's a very funny...

I just don't think it's that relatable. If I can find something funny about it that's relatable... Well, you can make fun of that idea because we all remember it when it was popular in the 90s during the movie Swingers and all that shit, Squirrel Nut Zippers, but we all kind of moved on and you haven't. He hasn't moved on. That's a good angle.

And that's actually a thing that you could talk about, like how you're the last person to own that soundtrack still on CD or something. It's been 20 years, and now I have a Cherry Poppin' Daddy in my pants. Wow. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like it's smart. I think it was a Boner reference. It's a Boner reference. There was a swing band in the 90s called Cherry Poppin' Daddy.

That's right. Wow. Holy shit. I think Red Band played it last times called Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Holy shit. I think Red Band played it last time trying to get me to dance on stage. Can we get you to dance a little bit on stage? It's a partner dance. I'll be the girl if you want to dance with me.

I took swing dancing in summer camp. Mike, look at this one look at them look at them in their fucking eyeballs Mike don't look at me Mike look at them I have no problem dancing with guys but this is not the right setup

he doesn't want to boner on me it's like when you're a comedy it's like when you say you're a comedian and somebody goes, hey, tell us a joke. Wait, you swing dance with guys? Do one move. You could do one dip with me, one spin. Come on, one move.

You can dip, Benji. Just dip. Just a dip. Oh, wait. What is this? That's music Next time I'm on I'll bring somebody that will dance with me

Oh yeah, do that Mike, look, you're so lovable All these people that have been awing you all night are now booing you. Is there a girl? Is there a girl? If you give them five seconds, they would all have. I asked you to stop before you started and continue to do that. By the way, can I just.

I have no idea what he just said because I was listening to Jason. Remember Mr. Nice Guy Jason, everybody? He just said, tell him that he has to fucking dance so he can never come back on again. That's my word. I swear to God. So Mr. Nice Guy Jason said, off mic that he has to fucking dance so he can never come back on again. That's my word. I swear to God. So Mr. Nice Guy, Jason said off mic in my ear just now. Well, let's see what he fucking said. Well, what about a girl?

Will a girl do one move with him? Maybe it's the man. Is there one girl who will do one dip with this man? Come on. Is there a volunteer? Okay, we got a hand there. She'll do a dip with you. One dip.

You better do it now, homie. One dip. You better fucking do it now. One dip. Give the people what they want. with you. One dip. You better do it now, homie. One dip. You better fucking do it now. One dip. Give the people what they want. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Whoa. Look at that! Ladies and gentlemen! Listen to that crowd, Mike! Look at them! Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Wesley, everybody. Come on, there he goes.

I have been hard on stage. Thank you. Fuck yeah. That's the first time we've ever had one of the comedians come on stage before. Another piece of Kill Tony history. Mike Wesley. Follow him on Twitter at MikeWesley.

W-E-S-L-E-Y. That was fucking fun. Great job, Mike. Thank you to our-Y. That was fucking fun. Great job, Mike. Thank you to our special volunteer. That was very ballsy. Thank you. So there we go. That's a way to get things banging.

Jason, you ever swing dance before? No. I have a few old stand-up bits about how fucking gay it is, but I can't remember them. I do. I can't remember them, though. I wrote them back when the shit started.

Did you guys have to go? Like, I went dancing once because when that was popular, like, all the girls wanted to go and actually do that once. I got a swing dancing patch in summer camp.

All the truth is coming out now. Really? Go karts and swing dancing. That was my focus. I remember it being more like this. Yeah, that's it.

I could show you my style. His is the boner kind. I know the western version. I think this whole swing thing is a rouge. No, it's legit. Wait, you think it's a what? It's a rouge. Whoa, whoa.

Mike's circling back, everybody. He will not let us insult swing dancing. I'm sorry, Spotify and Apple Music doesn't have any swing music anymore. They just refuse to. You do well enough with the fucking ladies without fucking swing dancing. Dude, if you had swing dancing in your back pocket,

that'd be good for you. I'd probably have it somewhere. Oh, yeah. Red Band's definitely one of those guys that waits until it's the time to steal the whole night, gets in the middle of the dance floor, starts travolting out. Yeah.

We finally invite Red Band to a wedding. He knows the tango. We're like, Red Band, we never knew this idea. I learned it from Mike Wesley. Guys, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This comedian goes by the name of Jonathan Aroo. All right, Jonathan. Very good.

All right. Yes, I'm wearing shorts. Take your notes. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. It's nice and cool in here. I appreciate the air. Very fresh. Very good. I'm glad we had a rainy day. That appreciates my life. All right. Very good. So got a new job recently.

It was a great opportunity for me. I was at a pudding factory. And the guy was like, Jonathan, I like the way you stir stuff up. I'm going to stir this vat of pudding. I said, okay, man. You got it. So I start stirring the vat of pudding. Stirring it up. And I'm like, hey, I'm pretty to stir this vat of pudding. I said, okay, man, you got it. So I start stirring the vat of pudding, stirring it up, and I'm like, hey, I'm pretty good at this.

Two weeks later, I'm like, damn, I'm really good at this, but I could do really better if I bring some of my homeboys over here, and we stir this together. So I call my homeboys up, yo, bro, get over here. We got to stir this up. He's like, all right. Brought one more, two more, three more, and then eventually had 80 homeboys stirring up that vat,

all the vatos, all the essays, stirring that up, and the boss comes in. He sees 80 of us stirring it together. He's like, Jonathan, what the hell is this? And I'm like, this is a gangster! And it was a... Holy shit.

Wow. Oh, he flexes after that. He flexes. Oh, my God. Wow. Holy fucking shit. That was amazing. Jonathan, do you think maybe you could swing dance your way out of this situation?

It seems to be the only thing to win over a crowd tonight. I'll dance. No, it's okay. You don't get to. What's your story, Jonathan? Well, I was born and raised in the San Fernando Valley. I currently live in Coldwater Canyon, where my grandparents' home is located at. Nice.

Grandparents. You live with your grandparents? I live with my dad. My grandfather, he passed away in June. Is that how you got that jacket? There he is, everybody. My mom got me the jacket. I was going to say, what do your homeboys dress like?

Do they also dress like 90s rappers on Laundry Day? Like your homeboys are like in FUBU, Tommy Hill. It is vintage. Those are at least like 10-year-old shorts. This is like, it's all slightly dated. It's pretty good what you're doing. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow, that's funny.

You have tiny feet, huh? I'm a ninja. You're a ninja? I'm a ninja, yeah. Oh, wow, that's funny. You have tiny feet, huh? I'm a ninja. You're a ninja? I'm a ninja, yeah. Yeah, I'm a ninja, man. If you're a ninja, you can't have big, clumsy feet. That's not going to work out. Okay.

Jonathan, how old are you and how long have you been in stand-up? I first did it in a comedy club in early 2013. The reason I say in a comedy club was the first time I technically did it was in spring of 2010 at Pierce College. All right. I don't know. He seems to me like you really love fucking stand-up

and I think you're going to be doing it for a long time. Something tells me. How old are you? 25. 25. So you're just going

to have to ditch. I mean, you're making shit up that doesn't make any sense. Like all that jokey joke bullshit has got to go. And the quicker you get rid of that and you talk about your,

you know, your grandfather and your fucking where you come from, the faster you do that, the better off you'll be. Okay. I mean, a thousand percent. And because I can tell you're probably a real deal comic.

I'm feeling that. Thank you. And, uh, you just get rid of that fucking horse shit you were just saying. And you're good. That's good advice. Yeah, it is good advice.

Have you ever stirred pudding before? No, he hasn't. Not a huge vat that I describe. I've done stuff with my mom. The answer is no. What do you really do to make money? I'm a petitioner. What does that mean?

For ballot measures, I get signatures for petitions. Okay, what do you do the other 11 months out of the year? Mostly a lot of masturbating. Wow. He is a comic. Honest. And you live with your grandparents? I did.

My grandfather passed away. Was it because he walked in on you masturbating? Not him. Had like a sad heart attack? Not him. Not him. I believe my father has done that at one occasion. We never talked about it, of course, but it's probable he did.

I can't confirm it, but I feel like it was the time and he did it, yeah. And so what does your dad do for work? He transports cars. To make a long story short, people rent cars. He's a car thief. Not a car thief. Transports cars. I feel you.

Well, it's a similar process, I'll give you that, but it's through an agency that does it. I move money around. So when your grandpa died, your dad was like, moving into the house in cold water, getting out of the San Fernando Valley. No comment.

Yeah. What's your background? What's your mix? You look like a Jewish Mexican. I am Jewish. I'm 31% Sephardic, which means my lineage is rooted in Spain. And the 31 part of it is Portugal,

which is also Sephardic. Cool. You don't got to explain darky Jews to me, dude. And then what's the rest of you? The rest is Russian, Romanian, and Polish, and a little bit Norwegian, and the Spaniard roots came through Greece, so we can include Greek as well. So you're just a mix of people who don't respect women. You have the face of the kind of guy that gets into a few fights once in a while.

Am I right? You get into about a fight a year at least? Well, I only have had one punch experience. Of course, I've been in some pushing things. I feel like everyone's had that, but an actual punch was only thrown once when I was seven years old in a changing room for the pool at my camp.

Wow. And I did not throw the punch. I took it. Wow. Holy shit. Someone saw your feet and they're like, I'm gonna punch this guy because he's not gonna be able to do anything because he has tiny feet. It's actually kind of

funny. The guy, I don't know what it was. I might have been messing with him. I don't think I was. I remember it quite pleasantly and he's like, do you want to knuckle? He's a fat kid. He's like, do you want a knuckle sandwich? So I just said yes, and my head was up against a board where we sit on to change in the pool area.

And he just punched my forehead, and he just pushed into my forehead for like three or four seconds until a counselor told him to stop. And that was about the gist of it. Wait, so he punched you and then just like stuck the landing? That's really fucking insulting.

Right when you thought that it doesn't get worse than a normal punch to the face, you find out that somebody can just fucking leave it there and just fucking push your head up against a wall afterwards. I'm surprised those eyebrows didn't just cushion it. Those fucking things are amazing.

Thank you. Those eyebrows are like fucking, what do you call that, Chloe and Kim? That's incredible. One substitute teacher I had recognized my last name, and he had a friend who's a cousin with the same last name and said, are you a relative of this person? I said, yes. He's like, I thought you had those Aru eyebrows. So if we go by

that substitute, we can call them Aru eyebrows. No, don't do that. Just say the whole thing like you just did but at the end just go, gangster. Gangster. Jonathan, what's your second favorite thing to do other than stand-up comedy?

Well, I was realizing you may ask that, and I was thinking, well, technically, if we go by frequency, it's masturbation. Wow, a second shout-out to masturbating for those of you that this is what you don't get on Last Comic Standing. Wow, a second shout out to masturbating. For those of you that... This is what you don't get on Last Comic Standing.

Our answer is like this. You're a handsome guy. What about a piece of pussy or something? I appreciate it. I'm going to stack up on that to where my ego is high enough. By the way, stop for a second. I love the fact that you said that you had a feeling that I was going to ask the question of what your second favorite thing to do was. And with all that prep time, you're still sticking with masturbating.

Yeah, I mean, it's the most solid answer that I can give. I mean, there's a lot of things I like. Like, I used to like video games, but I don't really play those anymore. He's grown up. Can't you tell by his outfit? It's called maturity. I love it. And what you wear is very masturbation friendly.

I fucking agree. You're basically wearing the fucking masturbator's business suit right now. Mesh shorts, a white jacket that could just absorb without discoloring any finished product. Let me point out this got bleached a little bit. I don't know if it's evident. Hold on. There we go.

What the fuck is that? A little smiley face. Show the audience, you moron. Not us. That's a genuine stain, guys. Again, another thing that you don't see on Last Comic Standing. You have to go to a real gritty show to have a guy that proudly shows cum stains on his shirt. That's not a cum stain.

I have cum on me right now. Hashtag NBC. I know who your swing dance partner was. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Jonathan, it was nice meeting you. Come back anytime. Jonathan Aru, everybody.

There he goes. Great job. Woo. Man. Yeah, get a piece of pussy and talk about getting some pussy instead of that bullshit he was talking about yeah it's a quick fix yeah quick totally jesus christ talk about anything other than stirring pudding for 60 seconds exactly that's adorable though that's like you know when i very very very very very first, I just had this rambling dog shit joke about pedestrians

that, like, didn't have any punchlines. And I was just like, pedestrians suck, right? It was just, like, terrible. That sort of reminds me of it. I mean, I only did it, like, once or twice, and then I wrote new shit and started fucking murdering all the time. But, you know, best of luck to you. Jonathan, you're not on Twitter, huh?

None of that social media shit. I am, but I have a lot of porn stars following me. Oh, Jesus. This guy just jerks off all day. That's pretty respectable. He finally gets an agent, and the agent's like, you follow a whole lot of whores on Twitter.

Is this your brand? I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Victor Martinez. All right, Victor. Proud favorite. Yo, yo, yo, Kill Tony, how the fuck you doing? What's up, man? Nice to see ya.

I know what you're thinking thinking is this some type of lesbian transgender fucking 2015 hybrid in between not yet chopped off you don't know right i'm actually a mexican believe it or not my parents don't believe it still i'm two feet taller than fucking both of them man it's weird like spanish was my first language for the first three years of my life but you know what i grew up i ate out a bunch of white girls and it's gone now i can't even eat spicy food anymore all i have a taste for is white girls and starbucks that's all i can handle i'm a fucking disgrace man i know I'm Mexican, though, because I'm fertile and I love the smell of fresh cut grass. I got that going for me.

Yeah, so I'm Mexican, man. They're shorter than me. They're brown. I love them, though, you know? I still remember Spanish when I'm really high or like I'm talking to my mom on the phone or some shit. That's about it, though. Meow. Wow.

Victor Martinez. That's how it's done. Holy shit. I missed you guys, man. This was fun. I was up here with Ralphie May before. It was awesome. I remember that episode.

Remember I was wearing the iceberg shirt? And now you're wearing a tortilla. Yeah. Fuck yeah. That's amazing. I love what you did. You came out. yeah yeah fuck yeah that's amazing I love what you did, you came out you made fun of yourself, got everybody on your side took away everything that I was going to say

about you I knew you were going to say that immediately because that's probably everything that I said last time you were on, right? lesbian stuff, yeah that's about it that's beautiful, and that's what's funny people think that when people get made fun of on this show

that it's like, oh, well, you know, that sucks for the comedian, but not really at all because if it works, then it fucking works. It works for you. As long as you guys are fucking laughing. That's right. That's amazing. I love your style, Victor. You're really good, man. Thank you. Thank you, guys. I fucking love you guys.

Hell yeah. It's so fun. How long have you been on stand- style, Victor. You're really good, man. Thank you. I fucking love you guys. Hell yeah. It's so fun. How long have you been in stand-up, Victor? Four years. I did it in three years in Dallas and then a year out here now. That's so fun. I did like eight months in Vancouver, too. That's great.

I loved that you had blunt wraps in your front pocket. I saw that, too. Immediately, yeah. That's very impressive. Did you smoke before your set tonight? Every set. I've been high since I started. I don't know.

This guy's the real fucking sober. I don't like that. Jason, you blew your I think you're going to do really good at comedy on the last guy. Great. Funny. I you know, you eat pussy. You smoke weed. You're I'm on your fucking side.

I love it. Yeah, I thought you're really funny dude and that's cool that you put your blunt wraps away and didn't break you didn't break you still did material that part of his mind was doing material the other part was like I hope my blunts don't fall out of my pocket and you guys didn't notice we did I would keep going with like the transgender bit not that you thought you look like no but like you can write you can talk you know it was funny and then just keep going with that yeah like i'll bet i'll bet you could even like pull off hooking up with one of those like hot lesbians you know what i mean like you could just hot as shit and she's probably a lesbian you

could just go in there and she'll be like, oh my god, that's the type of butch chick that I love. And then at the end of the night when you pull your dick out, it'll just be like, let's do this. It's like permanent strap on. That's when you could

look at the beautiful girl right in the face and go, you wouldn't have wanted to eat my pussy anyway. If I had one, no, you wouldn't. I wouldn't. You didn't really want to eat my pussy. We're lucky. Dicks are low maintenance.

They really are, man. Right. You have a permanent strap on. She's going to love that shit. How is your sex life going? It's great. What is your story? I mean we fuck like almost at least three times a week

You're married? No basically six years She won't go away She's a white girl She's a blonde white girl She moved here from Dallas with you? Yeah I dragged her out here with me What does she do for work?

She's a waitress down on Fairfax At a pizza joint What pizza joint? She's a waitress down the lot on Fairfax at a pizza joint. What pizza joint? That's okay. I don't know. I like that you're pretending like you don't know what kind of pizza joint she works at. Word to the wise, bring

your girlfriend from a different city because they're all trash here. Yeah, yeah. Benji, born and raised in Beverly Hills. I'm just kidding. That's a horrible thing to say. Women from other places are fresh. They're not like L.A. shitholes, like the ones that have lived here their whole entire life.

That's what Benji's saying, is bring them from out. I thought you said they were worse, the ones out. No, I'm saying bring your girlfriends from other places because 98% of them here are just gold-digging idiots. Especially Texas girls. Southern, Bells, yeah.

Victor, what is your second favorite thing to do other than stand-up comedy? Smoke weed. How about your third? Watch TV, just veg out, you know, just relax. Really, veg out? I highly doubt that.

Yeah. Eating. Yeah. With some celery sticks. I enjoy myself if I'm not working. What's the snack that you always buy at the grocery store? Spicy Cheetos. Why are you answering for him?

Because he's Mexican. I'm so Mexican. Yeah, that's right. You're racist It's ice cream Like fucking chunky ice cream Or like Oreos Oreos I don't eat real food

Just fucking snacks Chunky ice cream, like if your ice cream doesn't have pieces of stuff in it This is a waste of time Yeah, dude, it's gotta have some thick Like some shit in there. Just, I don't know, peanuts. I don't know what they are. You like the texture.

Yeah. You go to Yogurtland? No. You got to try Yogurtland. That's too healthy, man. Shout out to Yogurtland. I want to give a shout out. Yeah, that's our first time we've heard that one.

I guess, I don't know. Let's go get yogurt sometime. Why don't you guys go get yogurt? Yeah. You really have never had a good time at a yogurt place? No. Have you I don't know. Let's go get yogurt sometime. Why don't you guys go get yogurt? Yeah. You really have never had a good time at a yogurt place? No. Have you been? Yeah, I've been to the...

The coolest part about the yogurt is the shit you put on top of it. That's what it is, yeah. You put some brownies and shit on it. I worked on this show, Nathan For You, and the pilot episode, they had poo-flavored yogurt. Yeah. That's my story. All right. That's a great show.

I'll never forget that. Victor, what's your favorite plan? Keep doing this shit until I get famous, man. Just keep getting on this show and keep showing up, you know?

But what's your main, main goal? If you could do anything in the world, what do you... Oh, this. Yeah, this is what I'm doing. You just want to do stand-up all the time. Yeah, just stand-up, entertainment. I want people to look at me

and laugh at me, man. That's all I want. I want all attention, all eyes on me. It's coming, homie. It's coming. Yeah, thank you, man. You're great.

You're great. I can't... When I think about anything else, it sounds boring as shit. Just being a manager at some fucking, I don't know. Appliance store? What do you do for money? I'm an Uber driver. Uber and Lyft.

Get the fuck out of here, really. Yeah, I've been doing it for like six years. No, six months. Sorry, six months. Six months! Fuck yeah, time flies. Craziest thing that's happened in your uber i picked up a little white girl right her name was samantha and she she's a playground yeah dude she facetimes her homegirl and then while she's facetiming her she does a bump of coke off her iphone in my back seat and we're in an uber pool on the way to pick up someone else. Fucking chill out, man.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking Uber people, man. Did she at least give you five stars? No. No. She probably gave me like four and a half or some shit.

Really? Yeah, they're always fucking rude. I like Lyft better, man. Lyft pays more. They're cooler people. Pink mustache. No coke in your backseat. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. You do fist bumps instead of real bumps. Yeah, yeah. Uber's just too mainstream, man. Imagine how terrible the coke is that someone in Uber Pool is doing. That is just worse cocaine.

That's gotta be rough. Lots of Uber Pool these days. No one does X anymore. They're all cheap, man. Has anybody ever gotten into an argument or anything in the Uber pool? Some bro dudes will do that. Really? They just gotta get out first and then they fight and then I take them home. Dude, we gotta go to

Yardhouse first. No, we gotta go to CrossFit first. Something like that. So the chick that did a bump of coke off of her iPhone in the backseat, did you say anything to her? No, I just kept driving. I saw the whole thing out of my rear view and I just kept fucking driving. What kind of car are you driving?

Right now it's a Toyota Prius 2015. Yeah. Yeah, I'm real fucking Californian, right? You know you're partying when you're doing blowing the Prius. Prius is surprising. I thought the only thing green about you was your diabetic foot. So, guys, guys, aww.

Aw, it's your weekly diabetic foot joke, everybody. There he goes. Victor Martinez. Thank you, thank you. Funny as fuck. That's how it's done. Victor Martinez comes in, energy blazing,

and just carries it for 60 seconds. Fuck yeah, one guy's going to kill himself right now. Sometimes the show gets too good. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Alan Peterson. Woo! Yeah! What's up, everybody? How y'all doing right now? Y'all good? I'm still outside, I'm gone. And if you're ever in a movie theater, please do not complain about the fucking price, okay?

I live with my mother. There's nothing I could do. Don't complain that it's more than the popcorn. If it was up to me, it would be $1,000 so I could get the fuck out of my mama crib. Just the other day, just the other day, she came in while I was masturbating talking about, how do you use SoundHound? how do you use SoundHound? How do you use SoundHound? My dick is in my hand, ma.

I think you just hold it up like Shazam. Get the fuck out. Fucking ridiculous. Haven't had sex in two years. That's a goddamn shame. Maybe it's because I look like a broke-ass Kenan Thompson. I don't know. I don't know. Thank you.

Wow. Another murder. Look at that serious look on his face right now. I love that. It's a look on his face like he just tackled somebody in the NFL. A mean look. I love that. Alan Peterson, you are legit. Your energy feels like you quit your fucking job like today. Like you just left it and you're like, I'm here to do stand-up comedy, motherfuckers. The great energy.

Yeah, three weeks ago, man. Just moved out here from Michigan. Shout out Detroit, you know. Yeah. You don't have to shout them out anymore. They really don't give a fuck, and they don't have the internet anyway. They have no idea. They have no idea what iTunes is.

They're never going to hear this. If we were on local radio, I'd say you had a better shot at hitting a Detroit satellite than being on a successful internet show. Comedy was going terrible, then I gave a shout-out to Detroit, and things really took off. So you were working in Detroit three weeks ago. And you quit your job at a movie theater in Detroit,

and you said, I'm going to chase my fucking dreams in Los Angeles. Wow! This is my favorite type of story. Where are you living now? I live on a couch at my friend's house off of, I think, the Valley. Yeah. That's the couch that everybody from the Midwest lives on when they first move out.

Always in the Valley. It's called Burbank. It's all the same. How's it going? I love it, man. Just trying to hit open mics, acquaint myself with the scene, and just get around, you know? Right. Yeah.

That's it. You having fun with it? I love it. I love it. Like, Victor? What was his name? Yep. Yeah, man.

Yo, same way. Like, I can't do anything else, man. I got to make people laugh. This is it, man. It's my passion. Oh, fuck, yeah. You two are going to be eating ice cream together later on. I can just tell.

I can just feel it. Yeah, on. I can just feel it. I can just feel it. You guys are going to over two bowls of good old chunky goodness. Oh, is it going to be glorious? Both talking about how hard you killed. Oh, yeah, those other people, they just weren't as funny as us. It's going to be amazing. I do really want them to be friends really bad.

Oh, yeah, totally. Let's see if they keep up that energy after 20 fucking years in this fucking place. You were doing stand-up in Michigan? Yeah, for two years, yeah. That's so fucking cool. Bad rough neighborhood? I don't know if you can tell from my suburban dialect. Yeah.

I'm from. That sounds hood, homie. I'm not from the hood. I'm actually from a suburb called West Bloomfield. That's where the Jews live. Yeah. Baruch atah Adonai. I should have fucking beat you to it.

I knew it. Yeah. Yeah. We have a very, very, very, very, very funny friend from there. Sandy Danto is from West Bloomfield. Yeah, he's a great comedian. All right, West Bloom in the house? In fact, I used to sleep to take it full circle on Sandy Danto's couch.

Really? Once I moved up from my older brother's couch, who's sitting right over there, ladies and gentlemen, Donnie Hinchcliffe. Special brother shout out sitting right there. My real brother. And I'm not just saying brother because there's a black guy on the stage. That's my actual brother. Alan. Yeah, you're like white as fuck.

Even your name is white. My mom did that on purpose. Alan Peterson. Alan Peterson. Alan Gerard Peterson. That's it. Gerard? Oh, yeah.

She hit it right there in the middle name. Alan Poindexter Peterson. That's it. Gerard? Oh, yeah. She hit it right there in the middle name. Alan Poindexter Peterson. We're moving in with Jews. You're going to have a white name. This is how it is. Fine. You can have a black middle name. Fuck yeah. Alan, what's your second favorite thing to do

for fun other than stand-up comedy? What's your hobby, your go-to? I just listen to... I go to hip-hop concerts. That's fun. Who have you seen recently? Oh, shit. Geez, one black guy finds out you're from the suburbs and you're fucking done, bro. This fucking guy's like, you don't listen to hip-hop, bro.

You don't know. hip hop bro You don't know So funny man So funny I've been getting it my whole life I'm used to it So what kind of hip hop are we talking about? Vanilla Ice Backstreet Boys

What do you consider hip hop from West Bloomfield? I listen to Common I live in Kuali Yasin Bey is now most deaf again I like underground shit hip-hop from West Bloomfield? I listen to Common, Salib Kweli, Yasin Bey is now most deaf again. I like underground shit. Chance the Rapper. Resident Black Guy. What do you think? Does that get the thumbs up?

You listen to Waka Flocka Flame and shit? Oh, shit! Whoa! Whoa! It happened that quick. Fucking, you listen to Fetty Wap and shit? Maybe you should come my way. That's your shit?

Holy shit. Alan Peterson just tagged a gunshot. That's incredible. I love that. Just fucking riding the gunshot's momentum. That was the most gangster moment of his life. Just a fake gunshot. A ringtone.

Street cred advantage Alan Peterson. Fuck yeah. Even your Twitter handle's white as fuck. AGP the funny man. I love that you keep looking up at him to see how hard he's laughing. All black people, whenever we're in a room,

we gotta make sure we see each other. There's a lot of white people here. We're like, you all right? You good? Yeah. But seriously, though, I bet you don't see that one up against that wall right there. Am I right?

I actually, well, the light's in my face. No, look, you still don't see him. You think I'm fucking around. That one right there. Oh, what up? All right, okay, hi. We here, we here, all right? All right. That'd be a funny podcast. Do you know Doc from the store? Oh, what up? Okay, hi. We here. We here, all right?

All right. That'd be a funny podcast. Do you know Doc from the store? The guy working the lot tonight? Doc's from Detroit. Doc. Doc? Oh, no.

I don't know. Oh, wow. Okay. I know Trey. Greatest dude. I don't know Trey. There's lots of great comics from Detroit. But not his guys' Ohio ones. Podcast idea.

Black guys getting to know each other I feel like that We have a pretentious white person being like We'd love for you to get to know each other And then they just have to sit there and talk No doc Right down there Commissar shirt

From Detroit Great dude Tell him what's up on the way out For sure He's not from the nice part of Detroit I feel like you have a lot of gangster moments I feel like when you quit your job, it was like in half-baked.

You were like, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out. Sometimes. Sometimes. I could put that black on as long as I don't do the voice. As long as I give them that face, then they know and take off my glasses.

The day that you quit the movie theater, like, was there, like, did you do something wrong and, like, resigned on the spot? Like, I know, like, you know, oftentimes when I've quit a job, it's also, like, I'm, like, about to get fired. So I'm, like, yeah, I quit. You know, like, gotcha. Was it that type of thing? Like, were you getting into, like, were you, like,

talking in the movie theater or something like that? I do talk through movies, but no. I actually just was like, fuck it, I'm 24, gotta chase this dream, I'll see y'all later, and that was it. Two week notice. Was it like a movie that inspired you?

Was it like Tyler Perry's Medea or something like that? Are you doing? No, it wasn't that at all. I just knew I had to be in LA. I have a lot of friends out here and I wanted to do the store, which I did. Fuck yeah. Alan, I really like your style, man.

Welcome to the LA comedy scene. And you know what? You're just white enough to be one of my new black friends. So, welcome to the family, Alan Peterson. Anything else for Alan, guys? Alan Peterson. Great, Alan.

Comedy store debut. Fuck yeah. Welcome to L.A., dude. It's classic. The Michigander gets played off with a little of that sweet Buckeye fucking music. AGP the Funny Man. That's his Twitter handle. It's long as fuck. So

follow him on Twitter. AGP the funny man. Alan Peterson. He had bits. I mean in two years he has bits. You guys remember anything dumb you used to do when you like very first started? Like any joke or something in particular that you can't believe you did? I got so many. You're very experimental. I got so many you're very experimental i got so many i used to fucking do weird shit man i had a my first joke was like a three minute joke about having 29 children with nikki minaj

and i like named all the kids like double dribble jj jbrams i had like names for all the kids i used to sing this song called ding Dong Party where I'd be like, Woo! Woo! Woo! Oh shit! It's a ding dong party! And I was like, I just do crazy shit, man. You're right. That was stupid as fuck. Yeah. Hey, man.

I really gave you a big beach ball and you hit it out of the park. Yeah. Yeah, I used to do a bunch of dumb shit that never got a laugh. Here's some of it right now. That was beautiful. I used to play in a cow suit. I used to do all sorts of dumb shit. Oh, I think you should bring back the cow suit.

No. Fuck yeah. Did you guys have an answer for that? No, they're boring. I mean, I had bad... Whoa! Shots fired from Pat Reagan over there. I had like 10 minutes of retard bits in like 95, 96. Just straight retard bits. And now it's like what, seven minutes of retard bits?

Seven. I've fine-tuned my fucking retard bits. But I look back now, it's like a different time. You can't really do that shit. Wow. But yeah, no, like straight fucking hard, rude, mean retard bits. That was like the thing back then like retards were like the thing there was no like transgender or like you know movie theater shootings and stuff like

that it was just like retards just rolling around so you were like a hard r comic r stands for retard yeah i mean i still do a fucking re I still do retard bits, but not as hard. The best retard bits. Yeah, you know, set-up punch retard bits. But yeah, when you start, like I was telling your boy, it's like you look back and you write yourself out of that shit. My shit was always dope. Yeah, Benji always owned it.

Guys, let's jump back into the bucket, shall we? We're on a streak right now. Anything can happen. It could be a swing dancer. It could be a masturbator. It could be a giant 14-year-old lesbian. It could be anything. Ooh, we know this guy.

He gets pulled out of this bucket quite a bit. Last week he got pulled out of the bucket, and he talked about a visit to the psych ward that he had 10 years before. And it was pretty damn compelling. It was a really interesting piece of work. And he's here again. Put your hands together for Dennis Wilson.

What's up? what's up? What's up, D? I don't know if I'm going to do psych wards or that. I don't have enough time. Because I read something today that really disturbed me. You know the average man only produces 14 quarts of sperm in his lifetime? Look at this guy. He's doing the math right now.

Some guys have used a lot of their 14 quarts already. And they didn't even fuck any girls. They just used the shit up on nothing. 14 quarts, man. 14 quarts. No red band is worried about that. 14 quarts. 14 quarts.

That's it. That's it for me today. All right? What the fuck? Okay. Come on. I really want to get it to that. That's all you got is 14 quarts?

You just keep repeating 14 quarts? Give a shout out to Red Band in the middle of it? Because 14 quarts. Just make us all picture buckets of cum for a moment, and then you're going to say that's it. I'm out of here. He just punked us. Buckets of cum. Buckets of cum you're going to say that's it. I'm out of here. He just punked us. Buckets of cum.

Buckets of cum. Good night, everybody. Thank you. I feel like it's my duty to tell guys that because a lot of guys talk about masturbation all the time. You only got fucking 14 quarts. Yeah. I'm thinking of like milk cartons, you know,

full of cum. That's just like a fact, though. I read that. Okay, look. You read it for yourselves In the book Everything you want I always want to know about sex

You read this book today No no I read that book A long time ago A long time ago Yeah Is his set still going? No

I feel like he just follows Uber facts or whatever And he's just like Yeah that's my material now Yeah I got one thing to say No I wanted to do something else But i can't do the bit that i want to do it's too long what'd you want to talk about what i did last week what did you do last night week what is it compelling set when i was in the well i did i was in a co-adminal institution for three weeks

why why i had um it's kind of like a... Well, I did a 72-hour... I was supposed to do a 72-hour hold, and I passed the hold, but they took me in. We went through this last week, and it was a runaround. He would not tell us why he originally got put into the psych ward.

No, that is why. I went for a 72-hour hold. But why did you go for a 72-hour hold? No, no, no. Just listen to last week's. Let's go to this joke. So the joke is that we do 14 quarts of cum. Right. That's the joke. A fact about cum is the joke that you were trying to do.

Yeah, I was just saying, the joke is really that, like, to look at guys' faces and watch them trying to add up. So the joke's for you. Well, it's kind of like a crowd to see, to feed off the crowd to see. Some guys, like I said, when I do that joke, they start looking in their head like, 14 quarts, like, you know, it does affect guys. They think about it. How many loads is that?

I don't know, 14 quarts. I would say that's 100 loads, a half quart. That's 200 loads a quart. Let me ask you. You know what's crazy about this? Three times a day. Unlike previous things

that have happened tonight, I actually did see this on a recent episode of Last Comic Standing. Yeah, everybody was talking about 14 quarts have come. Definitely not, Dennis. I'm fucking with you. No, that's not the new thing. 14 quarts.

By the guy who gets a lot of six, do you actually... Let me tell you something about this joke. You ready? 14 is like the unfunniest number. Stop. Secondly, quarts, one of the least funny

units of measurement. Cups. You should do cups. And then, semen. Unless it's fucking like great, you just have people picturing semen. Guys don't really like semen.

And girls, you know, they have enough semen in their lives to be picturing buckets at a comedy show. No one found this useful. Dennis. Dennis, I think we're about to put you into another 72-hour hold. hour hold. If you're expecting the audience to respond oh yes, that's useful information then I don't know.

We might have to... There's a guy in the back that has this jacket that he wants you to try on. Dennis, we want to hear you talk about yourself and your life. How much cum do you think you've produced? Do you have any kids?

Yeah, I got one. I got a daughter. How old's your daughter? She's 18. She's 14 quarts. No, I didn't masturbate a lot. I didn't masturbate a lot. See, there we go.

Dennis. We're getting into something. I'm pretty good. I think I'm pretty good. Pretty good at what? I'm pretty good. I think I got probably 11 quarts left. I probably do.

11? Jesus Christ. I got like 11 quarts. You don't seem like a dirty guy. Like hearing you talk about quarts of cum, I don't feel like it suits your personality. No, no, no. No, I'm not a dirty guy. You don't seem like a cummy dude. I'm not a dirty guy. Hearing you talk about quarts of cum, I don't feel like it suits your personality. No, no, no. I'm not a dirty guy. You don't seem like a cummy dude.

I'm not a dirty guy. I get a lot of pussy, though. Somebody's getting horny from all the cum talk. Wow, I love that. I love that. We have a couple making out up there. Dennis Wilson has everybody's pheromones going crazy in here.

South Central, you learned how to fucking kindergarten. How old was your daughter when you went to the mental institution? She was eight. I already did the math on it. She was eight? And decided it was so sad to not go back and cover it. Yeah, I don't... Well, she knows.

She knows. There's a lot of mental illness in fucking comedy. No, no, no. Really, really. There's no mental illness involved in this. I'm just going to tell you, the state of California will take a body for money, okay? That's probably fucking comedy. There's no mental illness involved in this. I'm just going to tell you, the state of California will take a body for money.

That's probably fucking true. Well, let's just go back to the last episode on that. Well, can I say that Dennis is the dude who I said I just was bullshitting with backstage. Love D. Old friends. Been doing

a long fucking time and was always funny as shit back in the day always now this is before you know your time

anybody up here so my question is you've always been hilarious did you have you been doing Sam straight

did you say fucking quit you did stop for how long wow what a trip well the thing is, it's like... You don't like this club? Without her? Okay.

Well, Tony brought you back or what? That's cool. That's cool. But, you know, you can always go back to fucking stand-up. But, you know, it proves that it's the hardest thing. I'm convinced that stand-up is the most difficult thing in the fucking world. Because if you're not doing it, you're not on your fucking shit. Whether it's a week, two weeks, or whatever.

So I'm just here to tell you Dennis has always been funny as shit, always cool as shit. It's true. Stand-up is the hardest thing. Second hardest thing, Mike Wesley's dick while swing dancing. Dennis Wilson, everybody. All right, D. Another black guy with a white name, for those of you keeping track on your Kill Tony bingo cards.

Another black guy with a white name, Dennis Wilson. He's on Twitter at DJ Sunset Boulevard. He had a bit of Jeopardy bit. Black dudes on Jeopardy. I still remember it. Fucking funny as shit. Oh, really? Do you remember that, Jeff Dennis?

Probably been ripped off a thousand times. Yeah, he has to. Come here and do it real quick. It's great. It's going to remember. Fucking funny as shit. Oh, really? Do you remember that joke, Dennis? Yeah, pretty has to. Come here and do it real quick. It's great. It's gonna kill. Hurry up, Dennis. Come on. This isn't fucking Price is Right or anything. It's a legendary Comedy Store bit. Come on. Bring him up.

Dennis Wilson, ladies and gentlemen. Don't we think we need black game shows? Because every time you see a black person on a game show, what's the first thing you do? Hey, man, look. There's a nigga on Jeopardy. You know, no niggas don't spawn on Jeopardy. Every time there's a black guy on Jeopardy,

he spends the whole night doing this. There it is. Fuck, yeah. That joke is racist now. In 97, it was funnier. You're racist, Dennis. Good shit, D. I love it.

Guys, let's jump into the next part of the show. We have two regulars that do a brand new minute every single week, whereas everybody else gets pulled out of the bucket. These two have a locked-in spot. There was two girls that did it every single week for two years, and they recently moved on to another level of the comedy store and an entirely different show. And we restarted with two brand-new regulars,

and this is about our sixth or seventh week on them, and it's super exciting to see the stylings of these two. One of them is 19. other one is uh always nervous um and let's start with her uh she just got to open up for adam sandler and david spade and rob schneider uh last week and it was an amazing set she's brand new and she is uh one of our favorites and she's the new regular on kill Tony put your hands together for the stylings of the always nervous and adorable Melissa Esslinger every right Melissa so I want to do an impression of Like when you first move here, it's like, hey, little girl. You got hope.

Dreams. I got cocaine. That's all I got on that one. But I want to tell you guys that at one point, the government used morphine as medication for children to go to sleep with. And they called it Baby Cry No More. It's kind of like when you... Oh, shit. I'm sorry. No, I'm not.

Shit, I just licked the microphone I'm sorry LA's hard to live in cause like it's always busy and there's nowhere to go to get away from it so like once I went to the beach and I put on headphones with white noise so I could listen to

the sounds of the ocean while I stared at it and that's it. Fuck yeah, Melissa Esslinger. You're so likable. You're so awesome. You know, you can just move on to the next joke

instead of saying that's all I have for that one subject. What was the white noise joke? What was the white noise joke about? I didn't really understand anything about that. Because people are loud and annoying even at the beach? Yeah. Right.

So the real sound of the ocean is just no sound at all. Or you have to listen to the ocean. You listen to ocean sounds. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I think you have to hit that right on the head and say, I listen to ocean sounds on iTunes while on the head and say I listen to ocean

sounds on iTunes while at the beach because that's the only way to hear the ocean because people are yeah because white noise isn't the ocean white noise is like pumpkin spice lattes and stuff like that wait wait wait everybody hold

what is white noise pumpkin spice lattes what the fuck does. What is white noise, Brad? Pumpkin spice lattes. What the fuck does that even mean? White noise. What? Oh, I just got it. Two guys are high enough to understand that. Okay, I got you there.

Did you watch the Colbert Report? Now, at one point, you apologize, which is becoming one of your, like, that's basically your get-or-done is I'm sorry, which nobody, you know. It's a really bad, well, never mind. And you talk so quiet, and the whole time you're like, with the microphone, you don't have to do anything

with the microphone, because the whole time you're like, let's go. Yeah, we have to really, we have to do like an intensive, we're going to do like an intensive warfare with you. No more touching the microphone. We're going to have to break you. Or pull it out from the stand and hold it. We're going to have to steal your soul from you.

You've had too many fun, easy sets. When you do a regular set in front of like a real audience, do you address how nervous you are at first? Is that the first thing you do? If I'm shaking like this, yes. Not enough. You are correct, Benji. It's not acknowledged enough that she's nervous as fuck.

It should be the first minute of your set at least. What was the first joke that you did today? An impression of L.A. Yeah, what happened there? Jesus, Brian. What are you going to that you did today? An impression of L.A. Yeah, what happened there? Jesus, Brian, what are you going to do, beat her? Well, no, because she kind of ended it. Remember, she kind of ended it. She's like, that's all I have to say, I guess, about that.

You kind of didn't really have an end to that. Well, it did. It was working. You were working beats on it, and then at the end, you just said that that's all that you have on that. Honestly, because I got sick to my stomach trying to do, like, I've never done, like, that wasn't even really the start of an act out. But, you know, it's like the closest that I have gotten.

And that made me really nervous. Dude, she's so funny, so cute. Like, she's going to blow by everybody. Blow everybody? That wasn't. Red band. What do you say? Is this that kind of show, Tony? No, it's going to blow by everybody. Blow everybody? Red band. What do you say? Is this that kind of show, Tony?

No, it's not. Jesus. Your nervousness will be fine-tuned, Melissa, and it'll be your quirky, fucking weird, cute, hot, sexy, funny thing. For sure. You're wearing a Wheel of Fortune shirt, I see. Did you go on that show? No, it was just a free shirt someone gave me.

I like it because at first it looks like I'm part of a fire department. Do people hand you clothes because you're always shivering? I have an idea. There's a moment when a comedian gets on stage, some of us who don't use a microphone stand, and you grab the microphone and put it

to the side of the stage and come back to the center of the stage. I wonder if that would be an interesting exercise to her because it's sort of an assertive moment. Without the mic? You put the mic behind you and you get on stage. That drives me fucking crazy.

This is actually the only second time I've done it. What drives you crazy? People, when they put down the mic. I'm saying you move it to the side. You have that done it. Wait, wait, wait. What drives you crazy? People when they put down the mic. I don't know. I'm saying that you move it to the side. You have that moment when you move it to the side. Oh, speaking to the mic. I'm saying that it would be helpful for you if you took the microphone out of the stand,

put it to the side, and stood in front of people holding a microphone. Yeah, because double-handing the microphone and just holding on for dear life isn't helping. He's right. Have you tried to do that? I usually do, actually. It'd be a fun exercise, but that looks better already. Fun fact for those of you in the room

watching the show right now. Melissa is also the only person who you've seen tonight on the show that is currently up for adoption. She seems like a battered chihuahua at like an LA shelter isn't it adorable one of the coolest things about Melissa

is that which I absolutely love is like she texts all the time to me and Brian and I believe Josh as well and it's like we just all text now because Melissa is adorable and she's just a just we just all text now because Melissa's

adorable and she's just a texter she called me the other day I can actually I was on the road for like 12 hours I needed somebody to talk to I never answer phone calls but she called me and then I text her back like what's up and she's like oh I'm just very happy and excited I want to talk to you about it yeah it's like the

opposite exactly that's awesome it, it's like the opposite. Exactly. That's awesome. It is. It's so true. You've clearly been abused or something. Do you have any tics? If someone turns on a vacuum, do you stab somebody? Is there anything where the nervousness turns into rage really fast?

What else makes you nervous? The dark? Sometimes. Depends where I am. So my guess is someone hiding in the bathroom like a friend to scare you. That doesn't go over well. Probably not. Has anyone ever done that to you?

Like hit around the corner and been like, boo. My dad just did that yesterday. I was visiting them. And you what? Cried for three hours on the floor? No, I saw him before he even jumped out, and I still screamed. Oh, okay. Wow.

Seems like you have like bat hearing, like sonar. You keep like turning your head like every time you hear like a noise. Yeah. I don't tune things out very well. You don't tune things out? So is it constant stimulation? Is this like ADHD? Like imagine a TV store with all the channels on at once on all the TVs.

Like, that's my brain. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Nice. What, like, did you do as a kid besides watch Clockwork Orange? How'd you know? I did a lot of stuff.

Were you nervous as a kid? Yeah. Usually. I mean, actually, I was probably more confident i don't know did your parents keep you in a pet carrier when you were a child and like sometimes they would unlock the gate and you would crawl out were you harry potter's sister who was also kept in the cupboard okay guys uh what have we learned here tonight is that melissa is completely adorable and super likable and once

you stop apologizing I mean the biggest laugh that you got was when you said I'm sorry no I'm not but then you apologized again right afterwards that's a funny tag I'm sorry no I'm not I'm sorry I'm not sorry

we literally saw you go from being sorry to not being sorry. You're like, okay, I'm going to stand my ground. Maybe try like, have you ever taken like an improv class? I don't quit things often, and I actually did quit my improv class. Yeah, sorry. No, you go ahead. Benji, you go ahead. I think what would be a good exercise for you,

like something that helped me in improv, is adding information. After you told us what you were thinking after you quit that joke, that was really interesting to hear. Just the same way you're like, I'm sorry. No, I'm not, is interesting to hear.

And since you're clearly so overcome with your emotions, I think you can let people in on what's going on. I'm not trying to discourage you from writing jokes because I thought you were funny but I feel like if your nervousness is getting you to the point where you need to bail on a joke midway letting us know what's going on internally is probably be pretty funny

because we see you abandoning the joke anything that you talk about internally that's why you got the biggest laugh off of sorry not sorry was because you were actually instead of us just seeing your nervousness you were actually telling us about us just seeing your nervousness, you were actually telling us about it. Letting us in on it. So that's going to be a huge trick

into you using your nervousness to your advantage. Have you ever drank a lot before a set? Drink a what? Drink a lot. Don't. Yes, whatever you do, don't. No, do not listen to Brian. I need all of my faculties. I don't know. I would love to see you drunk next week. Do not listen to him.

That is not true. Let's just see what happens. See? LA talking. LA talking. See? That's what the people want next week is for her to just be vomiting

and crying at the same time. I'm talking a good six minutes. She said she almost threw up tonight because she couldn't remember a part of a joke. Right, because of nerves. And guess what alcohol does is it gets rid of your nerves. It would be

really interesting to see what you do. She would piss herself if someone used a pencil sharpener. It's like she can't handle it. Maybe if you went on stage with headphones that were playing white noise and then you performed like that. Ladies and gentlemen, that's the stylings of

Melissa Esslinger. Another brand new finish. She did it again. Brian's advice, get drunk, do heroin, and kill it next week. Ride the snake. Guys, your other regular just got back from a three-week hiatus because she went to London and Paris and a bunch of different crazy places. She's 20 years old. Put your hands together for the great Allie Makovsky, everybody.

Here she is. Come on, Monday night. Make some fucking noise. Make some noise. Okay. Just got back from London. Also a little bit hurt by the group text thing, but that's okay. I was in London, which was cool. And I noticed outside of my window, there was like a parade

happening on the street. And I was like, this is so cute. Like just this little parade, everyone's walking by. And I realized after that it was a riot. However, in London, they don't have guns. So everything is just so much happier there. New jokes suck. I was also in Germany, which was pretty cool. I'm better than all of you. I've traveled. I was in Germany, but I hate when Jewish people and German people meet. Like, they think

it's some big deal, you know? They're like, oh, what's gonna happen now? It's like nothing. You guys have been denying it for so long. Oh, fuck me, you know? That's it. Fuck yeah. Ali Makovsky

bringing that London German thunder. Let's talk about your trip. Missed you. Let's not. How was it? It was great. A lot of mics?

No, I did some shows, though. It was dope. Good shows. So at these riots in London, what weapons are they using? None. They're just like bare. They're so happy about everything. But at the same time, they're like so enraged.

So was it like a soccer riot? No, I did see England lost to Australia in a rugby match. But everyone was just so drunk that they were like, it doesn't matter. Wow. That's like the whole thing. Everybody's just drunk there all the time. Right. Yeah.

That's fun. Anything else happen? Went to Chipotle because I like to really live it Yeah. That's fun. Anything else happen? Went to Chipotle because I like to really live it up. That's right. Allie, did you meet any boys?

Yeah. In Europe? I did. Yeah, any cute German boys? No. British boy. What was the nationality

of your favorite boy that you met? He was American. I'm so lame. Wow. You ate Chipotle and fucked an American? Yeah was American. I'm so lame. Wow. You ate Chipotle and fucked an American? Yeah. Are you sure you just didn't go to fucking

San Bernardino or something? You could have done that very easily without 15 hours of flying. That's so fun. What's the most different non-American thing that you did when you were there um the most different non-american thing i don't know it was the toilets there are pretty

chill like they they flush from the back and the front and i was like i'm shitting all the time now just so i can watch this happen fuck yeah well you also, you had no choice but to. Especially after Chipotle, you know, you gotta use the bathroom. Absolutely. Right. So when you say it flushes in the back and the front. Yeah. What does that mean? Oh, man.

Two holes? Yeah, it's like a threesome of joy. It's the best threesome I've ever had. Also the only, but you know, that's besides the point. Wait a second. So when you say two holes in the toilet. Yeah, one from the front, one from the back, and then, you know, just woo!

I think this would be, that's like more of a PowerPoint presentation perhaps. I mean, if we had a screen, I would get it ready. Yeah. It'd probably be funnier than my set, too. You mean a bidet-toilet combination? No. No ass.

The toilets had two holes? Okay. They don't have two holes, but there's water coming from the front. There's water coming from the back. Oh. Guys. That was amazing. Are we done?

Allie, it's hard to describe a toilet. Allie, it was good. Another fun set from Allie Makowski, everybody. Welcome done? Allie, it's hard to describe a toilet. Allie, it was good. Another fun set from Allie Makovsky, everybody. Welcome back, Allie. Follow the two regulars on Twitter and Instagram, Allie Makovsky and Melissa Esslinger. All one word for both of them. Follow them.

Join us. Guys, the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. Out of nowhere. It started blank, and then there's us. Guys, the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. Out of nowhere. It started blank, and then there's us. Me. Ice Cream Cone. A special Ice Cream Cone edition. Guys, what are you promoting? Jason Galern. You're on Twitter

at Jason Galern. Hilarious. Benji Aflalo is Benji Aflalo. Anything else? Check out Benji's pilot with Lil Ice Cream. Yeah, it's great. The link's in my Twitter if you guys want to watch it. I tweeted it as well. Thank you for doing that. Thanks to the both of you. Check it out and tell your local

TV channel that you want to see that pilot as a TV show. How many laugh out loud jokes? I laughed hard like five, seven times. Jason, anything else you want to promote? No. Patty Reagan's on Twitter. That's our episode. Thank you, live audience.

Thank you. I'm not a bad boy. Don't you know I'm not a bad boy? Get away from me. Get away from me. Get away, get away, get away. Get away, get away from me. Get away, get away. Gotta fight, gotta fight, gotta fight Gotta fight, gotta fight, gotta fight