KILL TONY - KT #457 – QUARANTINED #12

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/03/2020 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: HELLOTUSHY! A sleek bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water. It’s called TUSHY, and it’s the best thing you can do for your butt. Go to hellotushy.com/KILLTONY get 10% off your order

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Desquad.tv, there you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You can also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st, then we have Skankfest Houston, it's been moved to September 25th through the 26th, then we have Kill Tony Mania, it returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th, San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania

16th, 17th, and 18th, and then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to Desquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com, that's the official website of Tony HinchCliff, and he has tour dates and he has merch there, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he drew the book, he has some posters, and he has a huge sale going on right now, so go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Desquad universe, and you also have the Kill Tony shirt there, go to ShopSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get close to home here in beautiful Los Angeles, California, we're sorry about the delay of having to delay Monday's show, it was not because of the curfew, it was because of the National Guard defending protests on both sides of the building here, where we are taping this, Letterbox Studios. It was in the thick of it right here, yeah. Yeah, we simply physically couldn't do it, so, but if we could, if we would have been in here, we made it through every single episode without missing a beat of COVID-19, which

ended everybody else's show for a little bit, but we could not, we just could simply not come in and loot Letterbox and do a podcast on Monday. Yeah, and hopefully we can get out tonight, you know, we just had an earthquake. Yeah, we're going to be fine, everything's okay, and just an earthquake. Anyway, business is booming, you know what's up, clearly the world is going to shit, luckily I have a tushy, there's a toilet paper shortage, everyone has an ass, everyone deserves the gift of tushy, it's an amazing bidet for your butthole, wiping your butt with toilet paper does not remove all the shit people, if you pooped on any other part of your body would

you just wipe it off with dry paper, no, water cleans better than dry paper, thankfully there's a new sleek bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water, it's called tushy and it's the best thing you can do for your butt. Tushy sprays directly to your ass and removes the poop completely, so you aren't sitting on bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes and skid marks, no one wants that, bidets are common in the rest of the world, I know that, Japan, every bathroom in Japan has one of these, bidets saves you money on

toilet paper, you still use a little paper, you know, to dab it dry, you know, because it has a little wetness to it, so you just use one little square, dry it up, tushy sprays your ass with fresh water, it's not toilet water, tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts with clean fresh water, it's the same water you brush your teeth with. It's the same water you brush your teeth with, I don't know if I'm brushing my teeth, post-tushy, with the tushy water, wet wipes are worse than toilet paper, they're terrible for the environment, they cause anal fissures, you don't want your anus fissuring, and the best

part of tushy, it's only $79, yeah, go to hellotushy.com slash killtony and get 10% off your order, I love my tushy, take care of it, with hellotushy.com slash killtony to get 10% off your order, it's crazy out here in the world people, everything's happening, bad cops are bad, looting and destroying small businesses is bad, but there's some good things happening, you can get a candle from Damn Good Candle Company, the new Hinch Me I'm Dreaming candle is selling off the shelves I'm being told. I saw a couple photos sent this week to the Kill Tony Instagram. Yeah, they're happening, and it smells absolutely delicious, that's because it smells like my

butthole which I keep clean with tushy. You're doing a lot of VR reality stuff, that's a lot of fun, you're escaping the chaos, and I just debuted my new pet project, Roast Master Class, where I go over roasting, and it's a fun, funny at times, and educational course about how to better make fun of people, and these crazy times you can defend yourself from getting bullied at work, perhaps by a family member, perhaps a girlfriend or a boyfriend, perhaps you want to roast the cops, or perhaps you're a cop that wants to roast someone instead of doing physical harm to them. You can get it all, learn it all, sign up for Roast Master Class at patreon.com backslash

Hinch Cliff. We're touring, believe it or not, I have some fun dates coming up, and we all do, we're going to Miami at the end of July, Boston in August, Houston in August, Dallas in August, Fort Worth, Texas in August, a lot of Texas, Salt Lake City, September 11th, that's a fun date to be out, Moon Tower, 917, Toronto at the Queen Elizabeth Theater, September 29th, Tumblr Brewing Company, October 13th, Sacramento the 14th and 15th of October, and San Francisco the 16th, 17th and 18th of October, Washington DC again in November or December, something like that, Tacoma October 30th.

Yeah, thanks to Vito's Pizza, they dropped off some pizzas, so hopefully Vito's is safe from all this. Chaos, they're in the middle of absolutely everything as well, only a couple minutes down the street from me, I mean everything is in chaos, but you know what, let's not even get too much into it, this is an escape from all the fucking drama that's happening in the world, I don't want to talk about it all day, for sure, I don't even want to think about it, there's fucking bugs in the studio, what show was in here before us? Oh, you don't even want to throw another show under the bus, look at these guys, these

are the Bug Lives Matter people. So let's have some fun, let's take our minds off all the chaos, we could talk about it for hours, but that's what every other fricking podcast is doing in the world, instead let's have some fun here in the studio, some very special treats lined up, let's begin by bringing out, how about our first guest since the quarantine, how about that, does that sound like fun? Ladies and gentlemen, we have not seen this guy since the Ice House in March, one of my best pals in the world, I did the last weekend at the La Jolla Comedy Store with this guy, we had a blast, one of my favorite comedians on the planet, one of the best roasters in

the world, and one of the high-ranking regulars here at Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight, the one and only David Lucas is here everybody, clap for David everyone. Hello David, welcome, I just want to let everybody know before they immediately make their assumptions that I called David in here because of a good PR stunt, David actually asked me, right David, if you can come down in the studio and hang out with us, so it's not my PR stunt, are you shaking your head? We all know that's not true. No, it is absolutely true.

I've been protesting all week, but I've been protesting with white people who don't chant that long. Yeah! The Black Lives Matter chant in a white crowd lasts three black lives, and that's it. They were tired after the third black life, I'm like, there I gotta go protest as a black people. I'm so glad you're here, we're gonna have so much fun tonight, we're gonna meet some of these crazy people from all around the world, we're gonna have a blast, and as you

know, David, there's a band on this show, every single episode they commit to being different characters, we never know what they're going to be, I almost accidentally walked in on them on this one, I'm gonna be honest with you, I went to go wash my hands again right before the show, and I forgot that they were getting ready out there, but I didn't see anything, I'm excited to find out what they are, ladies and gentlemen, they're different characters every show, let's find out what they are tonight, it's the best band on the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Jetski, Jesse Johnson, whoa, we know these guys, hey, oh yeah, absolutely, the newscasters have arrived,

ladies and gentlemen, no doubt about it, they've been featured on the show numerous times, very exciting, remind me of, what your name is, good evening Tony, your lead news anchor of tonight, Chet Lightning, Chet Lightning, how could I forget that, absolutely, welcome Chet, the busy times for you right now, busy times swamped, I could barely make it here this evening, okay, and who's this young little Mexican vampire behind you here, I will let him introduce himself, hello Tony, I am the weather man, my name is Wetbacks, wow, wow, is there like an initial, should I just call you W today or something, WB, when you see the police coming, you warn a brother, alright, and then, I believe we've never had a female

newscaster on, are you new to the news team, hello, my name is Lisa Lookout, and I'm here to look out for you on the scene, wow, Lisa Lookout, she is our live field reporter on duty this fine evening Tony, wow, well, and it is good to be inside, I love it, absolutely, a small earthquake just struck Los Angeles, not sure if you too felt that while the podcast was going on, it did, it's true, I didn't even feel it, red band felt it, yes, there was an earthquake, the only reason because like Tony was doing this at the same time, I thought maybe it was him, then I looked and I saw these wires, like, why are those wires moving, did you guys feel it in the room, no, like right before we started, like

two minutes before we started, it was at 5.58pm, the suspect is still at large, yes, earthquake, the comedian, in fact, yes indeed, that reminds me by you saying 5.58, I was confused for a second, but that is true, we are recording, not live live right now, we are pre-recording, live to tape, live to tape, a couple hours right before, we are streaming to a private link and uploading it immediately afterwards so that we can abide by the curfew because there are protests all around us right now, that's right Tony, so let's get tonight's show started, we are going to watch a minute sent in from an absolute new legend here on the show, this guy famously phoned in from Tijuana, Mexico, he wrote jokes for a hooker,

is that the right word, a prostitute to say a couple weeks ago and it's weird that we can't say the word hooker, like it's a demeaning job, right, I mean if it's illegal to do it you should be able to call them bad words, well no, it's a lady of the night, a street walker is preferred, or just person, anyway, I think in Tijuana though, I think in Tijuana they're called hookers, right, this just in, you are wrong, okay, so Manolo is back, let's see what he sent in to raise the stakes this week, this is a minute with Manolo to get tonight started, here we go, here it is a minute with Manolo, nice, oh that is so cool, hi Tony, I miss you baby, Tony, you left you dildos and bootyholes, he love you papacito

I was going to invite a friend but she told me that she was thrown in bed with hepatitis, what an envy, she is always very lucky with foreigners, my dad was so bad but so bad that he was so bad that one day I asked him, oh he left me, dad why are you so bad and he told me, shut up and keep loving me, I never knew how to get out of the closet with my dad, so one day I decided to buy a cat, that's how they grabbed the roll, I already told him to go back to my hair, you bastard, wow, incredible, I had her set up, you are unbelievable, what can I say, you are quite the modern day artist, yo I had her set up, I had her set up for today but for eight o'clock, oh yeah we had to change

things around real quick but it's all good, we're glad to see you, who's that holding the bottle next to you there, what do you got there, it's so good in most hoods right, yeah I guess so oh that's what's up, wow it's the same girl huh, no, no it's a different one, wow, this one's a professional, look at that, geez Louise are you still in Tijuana, still baby, just for Kill Tony show, just for you my friend, my goodness, living the dream down there, where did you find that transgender girl, by the way that's what Joel would look like if he was a girl, I thought I was looking into a mirror, by the way I will never give you your wigs back, those are mine, yo she had flavored toilet paper, I've never seen that before in my life, flavored toilet paper,

what was the flavor, horchata, the flavor was shit, yeah of course, of course, we need to get her a tushy for sure, Tony jealous as hell about that flavor, it's like a fruit roll up, you know like a fruit roll up, you didn't smell it or taste it or anything, of course not, I was tempted, I felt like her, confused, I felt like sir, I felt like sir, confused, sir with a z, I felt confused because she looked kind of hard right, but I didn't know if I wanted to fuck her that much, you know, well what did it taste like, there you go, like a fruit roll up, like a fruit roll up, incredible, she definitely had a deeper voice than I do, that was impressive, I'm still trying to understand flavor toilet paper, I know, what's that for, how did your ass taste

something, no I think that means yeah, you could eat it, like she's a dirty girl, oh okay, that's kind of like a David Lucas roast right, like like Tony seems like the type of dude that has flavored toilet paper, sound like that right, that is true, that sounds like a Tony invention, yeah it is true, I actually, yeah I actually sometimes will put mustard on my toilet paper, I'll unroll it, I'll put some mustard down it and then I roll it back up again, why don't you just put it on the penis, exactly that's something that goes down here in TJ, you put some mustard and some coke and it gives you a long way, well it depends right, only Tony's ass got taste buds, that's true, there you go, that's what we're getting at, Tony's toilet paper is, hint me, I'm shitting,

I love it, so Manolo, anything else crazy happening down there in Tijuana during all this, is there, are there any race wars down there, no not really, honestly Mexicans don't give a fuck to be honest with you, they don't really give a fuck man, honestly, and still to this day, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but they'll see a black guy which I'm in love with a black culture, me personally, you know I'm in love with a white culture to start off with, right, but they'll see a black guy go oh the negro, the negro, they'll do it just like that, straight up, yeah absolutely, is that a negative word there or, no it's like a, like they call me that way because I'm brown, I'm browner than the average bear, so they call me that, they call me

negro, you know, right, you guys have bears walking around, yeah of course, and where I got that, where I got that TS from, they got a lot of bears walking around, wow, so seriously what did you do with that girl, did you make out or anything, I felt like Juan Norton, like the Mexican Juan Norton, you know, you can call me that from now on, looking for a TS everywhere, is that Ed Norton's something, Jim Norton, Juan Norton, you can call me Juan Norton, yeah, there you go, all right, okay, fuck yeah, Manolo, wouldn't Jim Norton be Highman Norton, yeah exactly, exactly, yeah, shut the fuck up, back to you in the studio, this just in another Mexican man has been reality checked by another Mexican man, how do you out Mexican a guy currently

in Tijuana, like this, all right, all right, that's enough, that's enough, I'm gonna bring him mariachi next time, I'll tell you right now, I'm gonna bring him fucking orteño next time, I love it, I love it, I'm waiting, I'm a little worried Tony, and I gotta, and I gotta tell you this, I'm a little bit worried, because, because when you guys start making the in-house shows, like in the comedy store, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it, because I went to the doctor, because I was feeling a little bit ill, the doctor told me I was very sick, very fucking sick, right, he told me, oh dude, you're sick, right, fucking your grandma ain't sane, ain't healthy, no, no, okay, thanks, this just in, that was totally worth it, all right,

well, do you pay these hookers to laugh at your jokes, I mean sex workers, I'm sorry, they'll even do that, he has to pay him a lot of money to laugh at his jokes, that's like, that's like the highest, highest charge, here's a little plug, like the, the, the, what is it, the bidet, the tushy thing, I've been using this, I mean, I have been actually using this, that's why I went to the doctor, and uh, because I told him, it's uh, what do you call this, wipe it, wipes, oh okay, because my ass hurt like hell, yeah, why'd you go to the doctor for real, did you really, no, my ass hurt like a lot, I don't know if it was because of these things, my ass hurt, and I told him, doctor, what's wrong with me and

my ass hurts like hell, he said, you've got Alzheimer's. But that's Dr. Redban, what he thinks, he, uh, is trying to milk this joke that didn't go well, and he's trying to push our sponsor into the mix to, to make it seem nice, because those things clog toilets, that is true, and you can unclog your toilet by going to hellotushy.com slash killtoning, getting 10% off your $79 bidet, uh, press your teeth with, yep, for sure, uh, Manolo, thank you so much, you got the party started tonight with another new minute with a transgender, uh, prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, like only you can Manolo, we appreciate you, thank you so much, and we'll see you again soon, thank you Manolo, give me any homework sir, I'm here for you guys, the great Gino just walked

into the room from, uh, Speedweed from Betterbox, from GoGirl, he's got GoGirl in his hand, we love Gino, which reminds me again, buy a candle, damngoodco.com, our next comedian, uh, phoning in, goes by the name of Paul W, so here's a minute from Paul, here we go, here's Paul W, here he comes, here he comes, COVID-19, huh, COVID-19, horny teens, pussy, anal gang bang, dorm sex, oh, oops, looks like I selected limewire instead of Google,

anyway, they used to shoot a lot of video, I got to see a lot of the world shooting video, I've been to New York, Iceland, Mexico, right, fuck Mexico, all right, in fact I've been to Mexico three times, three times and all I took away from those visits, okay, I guess that's my time, wow, bravo Paul W, an incredible performance, you got the whole room cracking up, the production booth, everybody's laughing in here, I thought that was a live video of me by the way, I'm like, why are they showing me right now, another incredible part of that is that when I went to write down what you were talking about, I was taking the note COVID and it switched over to an

over-the-top shot of me taking a note, very impressive dude, clearly you are a uh, studier of the show, uh, big time man, I'm so nervous right now, well, you shouldn't be, you should be in full celebration mode because you just uh, paid it forward and made us all laugh extremely hard, perhaps one of the hardest laughs that we've had during these quarantine episodes, you took, you took everything that uh, people that have been doing right and you did it right, you made a little bit of a production out of it, except for fucking with me, that picture will never not be funny, it's still my bad, shout out to thea thyson, shout out to thea thyson first time, because that's forever, you know, obviously her heart, Joel I fucking love you dude, I only

behaved to you that way because you looked so pathetic in that form, okay, I fucking love you dude, a huge fan, I love the first episode of mostly sorry, fucking loved it, okay, that's right, there you go, hey, good, we're about to have to measure, we have a dick off right now, whoa, it sounds like he is mostly sorry, so paul, where are you, I'm in uh, atascadero, california, do you know where san luis abispo is, yep, it's about 20 minutes out, oh cool, you ever been to osaka joe's sushi in san luis abispo, I actually have not, no, I don't spend too much time in san luis actually, the guy used to run a sushi joint there and he would do comedy shows

and he would pay, basically at the time, he would pay openers and features from los angeles to come up and headline, and it was a lot of fun, a lot of crazy nights there in beautiful san luis abispo we all had back in the day, seven years ago, at a sushi restaurant, yep, he would feed us unbelievable sushi, maybe it was nine or ten years ago, because I remember not getting to eat sushi a lot back then, yeah, and um, I mean, fucking amazing, we would get wasted afterwards and it was, you know, the shows were basically halfway pointless, he was basically, he had extra money and he would pay to have comedians come up to basically entertain him in front of his restaurant at 20, 30 people who had no idea that comedians were even performing there that

and we'd stand in the corner and try our best and then eat like kings and drink like kings for the rest, I remember that's the only time I've ever, at one point, I believe we were dancing with guns at one point at the end of that night, me and whoever I went up there with, it was like me, benji, some other people, it was a lot of fun, whose guns were they, the guy's guns, we had, there, it was like this, it was hard to describe, it was just some of those wild nights back in the day, he would heckle you as well, yeah, I don't remember that, I think he was taking advantage of you, yeah, he was just heckling you, it was the whole lineup that was going on that evening, sometimes he would drink a little bit more than other times, what do you do for work, Paul?

Well, I used to do video, and then I stopped doing that and I'm currently just working as a cleanup guy at a restaurant chain, which I won't name because they're kind of bitches and they'll probably fire me, so. There you go, absolutely, just call them bitches and they won't not fire you. Fucking Applebees, huh? I tell you what, there's been a guy, part of what's been so crazy about working there, is there's a guy named Tony, who, you know, he's a little more strict, and so when I talk to people about Kill Tony, they're like, hey, I didn't hear anything, I'm like, hey guys, I'm not talking about killing Tony, it's a show, I swear, and now there's rumors that there might be some drama going on, so I'm hoping I didn't cause that by using the words

Kill Tony so often at work, but we'll see. Very interesting, what are your plans with the Joel cut out after this? What are you going to do? Because that is basically, I don't know if you know this, but printing that is the same thing that happens if the Babadook book arrives at your front doorstep, like that will cause an actual haunting of your place if you keep it around too long. I tell you what, it's brought nothing but good luck and cheers so far. It's also scared all of the bird off of his premises. That's right, we're starting a garden, baby, look at him. Wow, so great. That just never gets old. Where does that picture come from? I don't know. Somebody drew a very serious picture of Joel Berg. Because that looked like Freddy Krueger

with good skin. Yeah, that's what Joel actually looks like. You do, look at that. I love it. So Paul, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Have you ever done comedy on a stage? Never, but that's all I think about, so I would like to try at some point whenever we can again. Yeah, for sure. How far are you from Sunnyvale? I don't know. That's farther, that's farther north. Are there places in Obispo? There's like, I think, coffee shops and stuff. I haven't tried it yet because, I don't know, I just haven't tried it yet. I wanted the first time to be on Kill Tony, so I guess technically this is it, but it's different than a live format, you know, which is why I made the video because

it's hard to translate standing in front of a webcam and trying to do comedy. So I tried to switch it up. Oh, you did it. Tell that to Manolo. Hey, I didn't get to see it. I only got to hear it. It was all messed up, so. It's a very, very professional performance, Paul. And I love your shirt. That's a very, very Jeremiah Watkins-esque shirt. It's a very good boy shirt. Jeremiah, you have one like that. Am I correct? Yes. There is a Good Boy line available at JeremiahWatkins.com. I'm a good boy. My mommy loves me. Available at JeremiahWatkins.com. I'll take it. Oh, that's definitely, I know both of my parents type of shirt.

Do you know, are you close with both of your parents? Um, I don't know. I previously would have said yes, but I guess if you're going along the Jeremiah theme, I've recently gone through quite a bit of a existential crisis with religion. And this is partly why I made the video because I felt sort of the freedom to do so. Wow. Tell us a little bit more about your break from religion here. In a shocking turn of events, this man turns his back on the Lord. Let's hear it for losing hope, baby. Let's hear it for losing faith. So what happened? What happened exactly? Your parents are like, let's go to church,

even though the coronavirus is happening and you're like, are you guys losing your mind? Like what happened? No, I was, I was raised in a religious household and it was just kind of like heavy stuff and stuff. I was always pretty resistant too, but I fully believed it. I drank the Kool-Aid, at least half of it. Yeah, you spilled some on that shirt. I'm the only on the sleeve yet. But yeah, I just kind of realized I was afraid to admit that I wasn't into it anymore and it's hard to get out and it's scary. But once I did and had that conversation with my parents, I was like, holy shit, let's make a Kiltoni video. You know, I feel like I can do it now and be myself. I love it. I mean, I love it. This is just proof that,

you know, once you say goodbye to one Lord, come over to Kiltoni and I will welcome you with open arms, my friend. You know, it's just like the Lord. Oh, beautiful. There's always nothing more like the Lord than Tony Hinchcliff. Where there was one set of footprints, it's because I carried you, Paul. I don't think you could do that. Thank you, beautiful. I can be very strong. No, this this is a big deal, Paul. You guys are, you guys are the shit. This is like my favorite show of all time. I tell everyone about it. So I love that, Paul. You are absolutely hilarious. Your, your fandom of the show absolutely showed through again, making us laugh during these wild times is quite the accomplishment and not easy to do. David, you have anything else for Paul? You're

showing this guy some mercy. That shit was dope, bro. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. And I went through the same shit you went through a religion, bro. My family tried not to mess with me when I told them that I no longer identified as a Christian, but... Would you guys have any tips you can give to Jeremiah so he can finally get over it? You just got, you just got to, your parents got to know that you serious when you do that shit. Don't be, don't be straddling the fence. Just do that shit and still come around. He's so ready to play that sax. Paul, thank you. I would love to pick your brain about that. Like, yeah. Do you want to talk to Pete Holmes? It's, dude, I would love to talk to you too. Okay. Thank you. There he goes, Paul. Thank you so much.

Paul, love you, everybody. Thank you, Paul. Rock and roll, buddy. All right. This is that time. As you people see, the one, the only William Montgomery is here. Here's William Montgomery. There he is, William Montgomery. Hello, William. How's it going? I'm actually a Jesus freak. No, I'm kidding. This is about to be, I am, but this is about to be probably my best set. I'm proud. I'm proud to announce I'm joining the Mighty Morphin Power Bottoms. Paul Walker, more like Paul Crash, or I heard the reason Paul Walker or Crash was because the director forgot to say God. So I've got a La La Land joke. What's

red, white, and blue? It's Emma Stone's body at the bottom of a pool. So I guess the question is, what happens to George Floyd's counterfeit money? You think he left it in the will? I'm not fucking with it. Seriously, what happens to his money? I'm a George Floyd fan. I was at Neiman Marcus earlier, Looting televisions, you name it. I'm a George Floyd guy. I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. It's filled with black people. I like black people. I just say, I mean, what happens to his counterfeit money? What happens to his counterfeit money? I don't know. Who set up the will? William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

I mean, here's what I'm going to say is that, you know, 75% of the way through that set, I'm thinking to myself, wow, a Paul Walker joke from 11 years ago being used like it happened last week, like it's controversial or something like that. Meanwhile, what it did was, is it completely set me up to think that, well, it's not going to, you know, he's not going to get better than that, right? And then boom, the ultimate misdirect because it set us up for a super top. That's why I'm looting and pillaging. I'll be quite frank. I'm not black. You can tell from the color of my skin. I'm not black, but I'm going to pillage. I'm going to pillage for that guy. David, what do you think about that? Aren't you cool about that? What have you been pillaging

exactly? Literally, I was at an Eman Marcus earlier. I was at an Eman Marcus earlier. I got some sandals. How many pairs of sandals? Like four size four. So I don't know if any, I can drop my eBay account after this or whatever. Pull the phone back a little bit. You got a haircut, huh? Let's see it. Oh, wow. He's like a grown ass opi from Andy Grissom. Somehow you continue to look more and more like the principal from Billy Madison as time goes on. I caramba. I guess so. I guess so, William. So how do you like your new haircut? It's been cool. It's helped me swim. Yeah. Can you put your chin down a bit? Can we see what the top looks like?

You're a little bit shy about that. Dian has a bitch. What did you just say, David? Dian, you need some more pine straw on your head. Hold on. Wait. Show us some more pine straw. I need some more pine straw. Show us the lawn behind you for a second. Go back to the lawn again. Put it over your head. Show us the lawn behind you.

Yeah. We never get to see what it looks like out there. You got to have a bite of a stack. You're not showing us the lawn. Look at that poster. Yep. We see the poster. Show us the lawn. How do you get over here? Hold the phone up. It's interesting. It looks exactly like a... Forget it. I can't do the joke because you're not showing me the lawn properly for some weird reason.

How big is that fucking picture of you behind you? God, it's like two feet by three feet. Wow. And it doesn't upset the grandparents that you're mooching off of for the last two months. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Oh, it doesn't. I mean, I'm sure they don't like to see a naked picture of their niece's boyfriend that won't leave their house for three months. Their niece's boyfriend. Is that what it does, their niece's boyfriend?

Whatever she is. Are you wearing dentures? You have great teeth, William. I never really noticed it before, but now that... That's awesome. Now that you're starting to randomly cut your hair and your eyebrows off, I'm starting to notice other features about you that I've never noticed before. You must have a tushy. Yeah. It's the same water you brush your teeth with.

William, have you been working at the storage place at all during this? I'm starting again tomorrow. So, yeah, starting again tomorrow. Yeah. What time tomorrow? 9.30 PM. What have you been eating and drinking? Tell us a bit about your diet. What's been going on with your nutrition lately?

A lot of tomato soup, a lot of the drink you pour in, 2% milk, I think it's called. It's... What is it called? It's not a... It's a... Not a Nestle. Not a... It has vitamins and minerals. Is it Ovaltine? I'm going to tell you this. Your brother in cursive here, David Lucas, is in studio as a guest, and he's looking better than ever. All this marching is really paying off. I told you to tell people that your diet doesn't feel comfortable. What did you say?

I told you to tell those people at the storage place you don't feel comfortable and get on unemployment. Can you say that a little bit slower? I can't understand you. I'll text it to you, bro. William, anything else? Anything else crazy this week? Yeah. I actually became a member of a subreddit for Crocodiles. People get at the circus or fair or whatever, and I flushed one down the toilet a couple nights ago, and I'm worried in the sewer system out here in Rosita, there's a super crocodile

and food down in the suit. Okay. Well, William, we're going to get going, and we're going to let you sober up before you have to be at work tomorrow at 9.30 PM. There he is. William Montgomery, everybody. Let's just keep it moving right along. You guys keep playing. Your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Davis, everyone. Here we go. Nick Davis. Here he is. Hey, good to be here. If you're wondering why I'm naked, I'm using this content for my only fans. I don't have an only fans, really, but I do subscribe to a few. Only for the butthole pic, so I can diagnose hemorrhoids. I put it in the

comments. The girls get all mad. I like to call it hemorrhoid rage. I had a life-changing experience recently. I took acid, reflux medication, and it's really nice to wake up without hiccups. I am trying to get over my fear of needles by doing heroin, and I got to say it's fentanyl. It's cracked up to be. My family's pretty white trash, if you couldn't tell. My family's so white trash that my family tree is split because my uncle hit it when he got a second DUI. Everyone's trying to make an extra buck recently. I'm no different. That's why I started a stick-and-poke henna tattoo business. It's just an extra fine Sharpie. Hey.

Yo. Yo, am I coming through? What's up? What's going on? Hello, Nathan Davis. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you guys? How are you? Good. Good. Absolutely great. Seen a lot of frightening stuff this week. Nothing quite as... Hey, it's my birthday, man. It was my birthday yesterday. I'm hanging out in my birthday suit. I love it. I love it.

Dude, I mean, look at it. Come on, man. Why did you sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. Just show Martha Stewart body ass down. Sorry, that's your mutt. I'm sorry. What'd you say, David? Martha Stewart body ass. Frightening body. How old are you, Nick? Just turned 26.

26 years old, and where are you at? What part of New York? I'm in Wisconsin. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, I was actually on the show in Milwaukee. Oh, okay. Famous Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Lots of helicopters and police cars going by right now.

Yeah, I think we got the protesters outside. Very exciting. Check my car. Very exciting stuff. Nick, have there been any protests around where you are? Yeah, I was in one yesterday and on Sunday as well. And I'm in Kenosha, Wisconsin, the south of the city. Okay, is that anywhere near Manitowoc?

No, it's about two miles, or two hours drive south or so. You ever go there? You ever go to Manitowoc? Driven through it, never a reason to stay, you know. This is really showing two episodes in a row. My love for murder shows, making a murder about Stephen Avery is all about Manitowoc. And I'm such a fan of that program and the follow-up programs to it that I've honestly, so pretty much wanted to go there.

I would love to go on a little secret adventure through that junkyard and dig around a bit. You guys fans of that show at all? Big fan. You get tourist attraction, yeah. Is it? I imagine it has to be. It's a good investment opportunity.

I think right now it's a good time to diversify. You know, I think you can do it. Yeah, I've been looking for a junkyard in Manitowoc, so I might be the one that I go for. Speaking of a junkyard, how do you get a body like that? What is your nutritional, what do you mostly eat? I just asked William this, but I'm interested to find out exactly what it takes to be able to get a full-layered,

like it looks like you have a bulletproof vest on under your skin. Mainly a lot of beer. I actually quit drinking like three weeks ago, and I've lost 10 pounds already. So this is the best I've looked in a while, unfortunately. A lot of just poor diet and beer. This is a beer gut through and through. I have like a Hank Hill ass and a beer gut.

That's the kind of life I live. Wow. I've heard of Milwaukee's best. You might be Milwaukee's worst. Dude, I'm proud of that title. I'll own that with pride, dude. I got the scum stash and everything. Goddamn right.

He has literally built like a new wrangletang. It really is. It's quite the... I wear a 40 long too, man. You're not wrong. I was wondering how long were you sitting there naked before the interview started? Oh, dude, it's been like 40 minutes.

I've had to pee for like half of it. I got my dick in a goddamn birthday hat. You know, like this is... Absolutely. ...a great time. Hopefully you've been using your tushy from hellotushy.com because if not, that couch must have a little bit of a smell to it. The couch is gonna work out a couch to do it, though.

If it didn't already, you know? Yeah, absolutely. What do you do for work, Nick? I'm a bartender. Oh, cool. How long have you been doing that for? About two years bartending, serving before that. I've been out of work for the last two and a half months, though,

or so. I just actually got a new job offer from a place today, though, so things are looking pretty good. Oh, cool. What's the new job gonna be? It's a bartending as well. I was working at a place about 30 minutes away. This one's closer to town and it's a little bigger following,

so there may be a little safer money and things like that. Good opportunity. Sweet. What's your love life like? You hook up with a lot of chicks with a body like that? Or just with a hat. Not currently, no. I killed in the hat game.

Headwear, accessory game, killing it, but other than that, really. Yeah, the quarantine, I've been following it for the most part as much as I can. Protests were kind of the only thing I went out for. I had to take a COVID test because of an outbreak and a family member's workplace. I've been holding steady, just hanging out, so I haven't even been trying.

So, yeah, single and putting my dick in hats. I love it, man. I love it. Any other crazy fun facts about you? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? Nothing too good. I think talents, I can juggle a little bit. That's not that crazy.

Sort of a podcast recently. I'm not going to plug it because who cares. I'm uncircumcised. Oh, wow. Ew. I thought that was a birthday hat you had over there. And it turns out you're butt naked. Old bird.

Hell, yeah. There it is. It's more meat. That's the slogan. I don't know if that's really what you would consider the meat. This just did. It is. I don't really think that's how it works.

It's more smell. Like, it's just like, that's what I'm saying. Oh, this chicken had extra meat, but it's just skin. Like a pile of skin next to the chicken breast. Did you shot originally? That checks out. Man, it's not a problem to be uncircumcised. As long as you clean your shit, you're good.

That's right. And you can clean your shit at hellotushy.com.com. I love it. I love it, Nick. Well, happy birthday to you, my friend. Congratulations on getting on the show. Yeah. Have your own birthday to you.

Absolutely. It's coming up on Monday. Yeah, it's going to be nice, man. Rock and roll. There he goes. Nick Davis, everybody. Lighting, yeah. Chris Biggs, we're fast as lightning.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Chris Trotta. Chris Trotta. Here's Chris Trotta. All right, I'm going to get straight to the shit. It's my dad's retarded when it comes to his cell phone. So like this one time, he was trying to show me a video on his phone and he treated the video like it was an ugly girl on Tinder and accidentally swiped right in the picture that he swiped to.

It was my dad, mirror selfie, fully naked, half a child. Like dude was just standing there like this. So immediately he locks his phone and goes, ah, you know, I'll show you another time. No, what the fuck you want? Like you are never showing me nothing on your phone ever again. And before I repress this memory, we're going to talk about why I just saw the balls

that produced me on your phone screen. But what the fuck? And he makes the situation worse by telling me, ah, you know, it was it was just something I sent your mother. Like I'm fully convinced that the only reason I'm not in therapy from this situation is because my dick was bigger. But like honestly, I started walking around the house differently. I would be like, nah, you clean my room shrimpy.

I might be the biggest disappointment to mom in this house, but at least I'm not the smallest. Chris Trotto, welcome to the show, sir. How are you? Doing good. How about you guys? Good, good, good, good, good. This just in, Tony, his dad has a small dick. Is that true?

Is that part true? Yeah, that's a true story. Yeah. So it was a picture of his flaccid penis or was it a boner? It was like half a chub. Like it was half a chub. Did it look familiar? Like.

I was wondering if you like look at your dad's dick. If it's like, I see, I see there is ambulance, you know, like. I grew up in a pretty normal household, so that didn't happen. He's like, no, this looks more like my mom. Very interesting. And the balls were small too. Small balls. I really didn't look at it that hard.

You know, I kind of looked away as quick as I could. You looked at it not that hard, meaning like half chub. Yeah, exactly. Like half chub hard. I love that. Fun times. You have a good. You have a better suntan than you did when you recorded that set.

Oh, yeah, I've been fishing pretty much every single day, so I've been getting a lot of sun since quarantine started. That's great. Where do you? Where do you? Where are you at? I'm from New York, but I currently live in Florida trying to get my master's degree. Hell, yeah.

What are you getting your master's in? Business, like marketing. Awesome. Fuck yeah. Where in Florida are you? Babson Park. It's like an hour south of Orlando. Oh, OK.

That sounds lovely. Sounds like a great place. That's right. What type of fishing do you do? You go, uh, what are you on a creek, a river, the ocean? Yeah, just like a river from largemouth bass. Sweet. Catching any peacock bass down there?

No, I think that's only in like Brazil, right? No, peacock bass are in Florida, bro. Really? No, all on the idiots. When you say peacock, like that, my booty hole tightens up. That's all excited. Umbrella booty. Peacock bass all through Florida, bro.

We need that to kill Tony fishing. That would be great. Like, I want to go fishing so bad. Yeah. Let's fucking together. Absolutely. I'm with that shit. I'm a good fisherman.

Oh, shit, the kill Tony fishing trip. We'll take Red Band's canoe. It'll be good. Let's go. Yeah, we'll use roller blades in there. Did you get your electric bicycle yet? No, because all this shit was supposed to come this week.

Oh, my gosh, I guess next week. Oh, I cannot wait to see you on that thing. It's going to be fun. It's going to be good for you. Get you out of that apartment. I sit outside all day. Yeah. I now have a whatever that thing is called.

Hammock. Hammock. Yeah. That shit's. Virtual hammock. Put this in hammock. I just picture you lying on the couch with your headset. It's your virtual hammock.

Virtual hammock. What's a fan on you? Everything he does is virtual. I've been sitting outside every day. It's just him inside with the helmet. I played virtual reality laser tag the other day, and it was set up like the old school laser tag that you'd shoot in the chest and stuff.

Fog machine. All the reason you got a hammock because you thought it was a sandwich. Why would I think a hammock is a sandwich? I'll have a large hammock. Hold on, Jared. I just got it. I didn't see no sense.

That do sound like a sandwich. Oh my God. So you thought a hamlet was also? I'll have a ham omelet. A hamlet, please. Wow. That was funny, man. No, it was not.

It makes no sense. It was funny, though. A hammock? A hammock. It's not like a spicy ham sandwich. Yeah. I'll take a 12-inch hammock on a week. So Chris Trott, I tell us something else

interesting about you. How long have you been a young magician? A magician? Yeah, you have young magician energies. Nothing on a magician. You seem like the kind of magician that would have a hot assistant that's taller than you.

I'm definitely short. Most of my assistants have been taller than me. What do you consider short? 5'8". 5'8"? I don't think 5'8". 5'8". It's not short. I've been told by a lot of girls

that they didn't want to date me. I was too short. 5'8 is actually average height for all Jesus-like figures. I don't know what's been happening lately. I think the definition of short has been changing tremendously. I would think 5'8".

It's about average. I think 5'8". I got 5'8". At completely average. I'm going to come back and I'm going to ride your roller coaster. God damn it. Well, that's not a lot of hammocks.

And I'll be back here and up. Yeah, you're shorter than both of us. I'm 5'7". But I'm not saying it ain't short. I don't think 5'7". 5'7". Is short though. I think 5'7".

You start to get short. Yeah, that's about winning. I think 5'8". Would be considered average. And I think 5'9". As tall as hell. 5'9". 5'9".

5'9". It's average for men in America, it says. 5'9". There you go. Okay. So you're good, bro. Absolutely. Put some boots on.

I'm so full. Well, better. Put some boots on. More boots, less booty holes. What do you like to do for fun, Chris? Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Other than fishing? I like cocaine.

I came to college for bowling. I go to the number one bowling school in America. That is the gayest shit. Yeah. What's the best game you've ever had? 300. Wow. Wow, that's a lot of turkeys, Brian just thought.

That is definitely a white school where they don't want white people to feel inferior to black people. That they got to have bowling. Spare me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stay in your lane. I love it.

I love it. David, is bowling a white person thing? I'll bowl, but I'm also, you know. You're a little bit different. You put the bowl in bowling. Hey, man, she's so stupid, that's up. Why would he put the bowl in bowling? Because he puts food in the bowl.

He's fat. It's a fat joke. That's a stretch. You got an oompa-loompa wig on. You can shut your ass. You got a fucking Kenan and Kel wig on. Get the fuck out of here. Rocket power here, there.

Oh, shit. Talk about rocket power. You look like fucking Tito from Rocket Power. Your hair look like... Your hair look like you just got off a motorcycle. Your hair looks like you fucking work at a store that sells the motorcycle. Okay, that's enough of that.

That's enough of that. Dumb. We'll be wet back after these messages. That's our word. I love it. So fun times, Chris. Is there anything else we should know about you before we let you go?

Wow, 300, I'm still thinking about it. Really? I've been doing stand-up about three months before quarantine hit, so I can't wait to get back and do that. Yeah, it must be a weird place to do that. Are there other places around you, open mics or something?

I usually have to drive to Orlando or Tampa for anything. So I'm about an hour out, so I'll just drive out there, spend the night and do a set, maybe try and find another set. Let's check in live on the scene with Chet Lightning. Yeah, Tony, honest question for you here. What did you do when you hit 300 and how many times have you hit 300?

Like, what kind of reaction did that elicit? Honest question. I got really excited the first time because I was in high school and it was during a high school match, so it was really, really cool. And the second time, it was just less. It wasn't as fun because it was just in practice.

Right. So what is your average? That is incredible that you don't even get that excited at 300s anymore. Yeah. So like, bowling is weird because in college, you bowl on what's called like a sports shot. So if I have to put it into different terms,

it's kind of like the strike zone in baseball. So when you're bowling just like regular, like in practice, you bowl on a house shot and it's a big strike zone. But when you bowl on a sports shot, you have to hit like a smaller area in order to basically strike. Mm. So on sports shot, I'm probably around like...

Welcome back to facts no one gives a fuck about. Oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. We definitely... Welcome back to facts only white people and David care about. Wow. Put your tape on. There you go.

Put your tape back on. Tape time. I will not be silenced. Tape time. You guys, I turn off his mic. All right. Thank you very much. We got to keep it moving, Chris Strada.

Thank you so much. Very fun times. Thank you. Great stuff. And up next, ladies and gentlemen, this is a young stranger that goes by the name of Nick Redonia. Here's Nick Redonia. Here's Nick Redonia.

Volume check. Volume check. Volume gauge. Can we get the volume up now? I used to masturbate a whole bunch. Then I had to stop because I kept getting tennis elbow. But it was never in the arm that was jerking off. It was always the one that was flipping the burgers.

People think I'm a hipster just because I have all the kids pop albums on vinyl. I think I know who really did 9-Eleven. It was the fashion police. If 9-Eleven never happened, the New York City skyline would still look so 90s. I'll end on a quick impression. Excuse me. Yeah, I'm going to be like 13 waters.

That was basic bitch Jesus. Thanks, guys. Yeah. There he is, Nick Redonia. Okay, hell yeah. That was good, Nick. It was good. I'm telling you.

It's a tough world out there for everybody. Paul W, I mean, I'll yell at Gage for a second at that. Paul W's performance was so good and so well edited that it's really burying pretty much everybody. Yeah, I put that at the end. Yeah, you got to put these people a little bit later. Yeah, hot start.

I love it. Manolo and Paul W really got a kickstart, but that was good. That was good, Nick. We didn't have to turn the volume up right before you on Chris Trotta. I actually did the thing that you did the act out of. So you're pretty dialed in there. Oh, that's great.

But yeah, it feels good to bomb for you guys. It's good. It's good to have Louis J Grossmez on the show. Let's check in with Chet Lightning. Yeah, I was just curious, how long you've lived inside of a shooting range. What is that place? You throw axes for fun?

I'm in my parents' unfinished basement. Wow, yeah. I miss basements. Those are the greatest. Yeah, you're the type. You're the type that would love a basement. Yeah, I mean, storage. It's always cool.

Like in the summer, you can go down there and it's nice and chilly. Do all the people that you do VR with talk a lot about the basements. Virtual basements with Red Band later on his YouTube channel. How long have you been in your parents' basement? Your whole life, Mr. Radonia? No, just been here since the start of quarantine. I live in New York City normally. Oh, okay.

And where's your parents' basement? Upstate? We're in rural Pennsylvania. Oh, okay. We know a little bit about rural Pennsylvania. It's one of the only states that I will ask specifically right around where in rural Pennsylvania are you? We're right near Allentown.

Oh, okay. Bessemer? Don't know what Bessemer is. We're close to Allentown. Allentown and we're between Allentown and Redding. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're in there. Is that by any chance on the way from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh?

Because I remember a trip I took one time without the guys at a separate car from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh. You should have heard this guy all episode the last week. He kept referencing this joke that only four of us know about and will ever find funny. So many things I want to say right now, but I can't. Right. I know.

It's literally, we can't respond to it. Are you here Lancaster? I remember passing Lancaster. Fun fact, Joel has no idea what the difference between an inside joke and a regular joke is. He has no awareness. I can appreciate that. He's wearing that tape.

Yeah. I hear they're finding a lot of winged dinosaurs in the red rocks in between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. And then if you call him out on anything, he just talks blibber blabber. He gets uncomfortable. Anyway, we're going to go back here to Nick Radonia. I'll drop, let go of the mic.

Let go of the mic. Scrap away. Oh, he is. Oh, that's cool. I just got word, Mr. Radonia, that you are a high level, valid dictatorian on my new roast master class. Yeah, I just signed up for it. Excited to see what happens there.

We have a lot of fun stuff happening. We're doing a live crowd stream tomorrow. I hope that you're there. That's exciting. Wait, do you find yourself having to make fun of people a lot? What? Wait, what? Why'd Joel make that face just now?

I don't know. Go ahead, Joel. Tell him why you made a face. I didn't see it because I'm hosting the show. I seem to have lost my voice. Okie dokie. I'm sorry. I don't know.

I don't know why he made a face. He's a little bit loopy right now. We just called him out on doing inside jokes on the show, and now he's self-destructing. I'm sorry. No, it's ok. Do you ever make fun of people? Do you have to make fun of people?

Do you ever make fun of your parents or anything like that? Yeah, I like making fun of people. And I've been trying to stand up thing before quarantine started. I was just getting into it. So that would be good to, you know. That's great. So you had to teach. And that was in New York City?

Yeah, in New York. Yeah, what type of places did you go? Where did you perform at? Well, right before quarantine started, I just had my first couple bringer shows at Danger Fields. But other than that, it was just open mics. That's great, man. That's exactly what you gotta do.

You don't even have to do the bringer shows. Screw that shit. Just keep doing mics over and over and over and over and over and over. Until you absolutely are doing something else. So that's simple. Definitely. David Lucas, do you have any words of advice for this young rising comedian? Yeah, bro, stay away from the bringer shows.

It takes away the value from live comedy. Just keep, like you said, keep hitting open mics, bro. That's what I did until you get that chance to go do a showcase at a real club. Just make sure you would always tell comments when they ask me something. Make sure when you go to these big name clubs that you're ready for the time that they're going to give you. Don't go if you're six months in. Make sure you got a tight ass set.

And then make sure you got another tight ass set to follow that set if they ask you to come back. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I want my ass to be super tight. That's right. That's right. Especially, you know, nowadays where there's a lot of bachelors out there everybody needs to have a tight ass.

No one wants a loose ass that you paid money for. Never mind. For what? For tightening your. For a loose ass. For ass tightening. Do you guys like loose asses? Why are you asking me?

Yes, we're going to take a quick poll here. Do you guys like tight or loose asses with Brian Redman? That was the part that I noticed is literally like so much plural on that. Asses. Asses to asses, dust to dust. It's interesting because like if it's a girl, you don't want a loose pussy. You want a tight pussy, but. Why would they want a loose ass, Brian?

Because it might be easier. It might hurt if you're fucking a guy in the ass. If it's too tight, it might be too dry. So if it's nice and loose and like worn out. Why would it be wetter if it's looser? Well, because no, I mean, you could spit and stuff in it. But like if we're live here on the scene with biology major, Brian Redman.

Dr. Redman again, asking whether gay guys, I don't understand why they would prefer because it's straight or gay. I don't think that changes the texture of the thing you like to put your dick into. They care about the person Redman, who the man is on the inside. No, I'm talking about dirty butt sex. I'm not talking about love butt. It's like a fleshlight. Why would you, who loosens up their fleshlight?

Who runs it through a fucking, who runs a baseball bat through their fleshlight before? Why did I just get an image of Brian Redman eating a roll of toilet paper that's flavored? OK, all right. Anyway, Nick Radonia, any other fun facts we should know about you before moving on? I was on one of the New York audio only shows with my brother, and he was in a drum off. He was kind of hoping to say hello to Joel real quick.

Oh, cool. Is he there? Remember this? Yeah, he's here. Oh, OK. I think I sort of remember you. Which New York show? Gramercy Theater.

Was it the one where I beat him or the one where I beat him? What's up? That's right. Which show at Gramercy were you a drummer on? Was that Big J. O'Kerson, Shane Gillis? No, Mark Maron. Mark Maron wasn't on in New York City. You mean Gilbert Gottfried?

Mark Norman. Oh, Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Oh, you said Mark Maron. Oh, you compared him. You compared my brother to Mark Maron or something like that. But yeah, it was Mark Norman. That's right.

It's all making sense to me now. Heck yeah. How do you feel now, months after your performance against Joel Berg Joel Jimenez? Have you perhaps been practicing more, or have you completely given up on the drums? Yeah, I've been practicing, yeah, every day. Joel, this would be a good opportunity

for you to speak, unlike the last 12 things that you said. You DM'd me recently, right? I'll get those loaded up the next time and read these private messages this man has been sending me. We're going to need some flavored toilet paper. Whoa. Let's just say we're going to need some loose assises up in here. I kicked his assises.

I have no more questions to assises any of you. Congratulations on the ranch. Assises the situation next time. To the Radonia boys out there in Pennsylvania, thank you very much for joining us. And I hope to see you guys again soon. Thank you to you and your brother Nick Radonia. Yeah, yeah.

With no further hesitation, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the diamond in the rough, the one, the only, the stone cold assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, my pride and joy, the man I love more than perhaps any of my own family members or friends. The one, the only Michael layer. Everybody is here live.

Hi, Michael. My ass is so tight. Oh, man. Hey guys, it's so good to see you. Absolutely. Hey, David. What up, fool? For you.

Hey, I just had dinner. How dinner was it? I just had dinner. Yeah, what you have for dinner? Ham and canned cheese. Thank you guys. You all, you're like, and I found you.

All right. I was, I was marching all day. Um, obviously in my wheelchair, but at a different march, because I'm tired of guys who are 5a being called sure. I'm 5a standing up. Imagine how sure I am now. All right.

No, I'm sorry. Um, you know, even with everything that's going on, Hollywood won't stop pounding down my door. So I've had my doctors inject me with amphetamines so I can write 24 seven. And I'd like to share with you that today would help from Jesse, Tony, and Brian. My latest script.

Oh, this is great. I didn't even know we were going to read a script today. This is very exciting. Yeah, it's my latest. Now, let me introduce him on September 11, 2001. America suffered his first Corona, but with planes and buildings. And one little known fact is that Markey Mark Wahlberg was supposed to be on one of those doomed flights.

I reimagine that awful day and Markey Mark was there and saved America. This is great vibrations. The Markey Mark 911 Black Mirror Spectre Odyssey. Yeah. All right, Tony, we'll be reading the part of Mark Wahlberg. Brian will be reading the part of Wahlberg's travel companion Turtle from Entourage. Any dialogues and italics are lyrics from Mark Wahlberg's seminal hit Good Vibrations and should be delivered like Mark Wahlberg wrapped them in the song Good Vibrations.

We open on an airplane seated inside or Mark Wahlberg and Turtle from Entourage. Yo, Markey, what do you want to drink from the stewardess? Sun kiss. Dope. Yo, that's not a stewardess. That's a 9-11 hijacker. Stop it, Markey. Save America. Wahlberg approaches the hijacker. Come on, swing it. Come on, swing it. Come on, swing it.

Yo, Markey, you smashed that terrace, but who's going to land this plane? Me. You can land a passenger airplane? I can finger Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster in the movie Fear, and I can land a passenger airplane. True, that. But we're not landing yet. We're going to find Osama bin Laden, the bad dude who planned all this.

How do you know that? After Boogie Nights, I went full Illuminati. That's dope as fuck. Markey and Turtle fly to Afghanistan, Zero Dark 30. They land at bin Laden's headquarters and quickly discover that Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of 9-11, is Markey's brother, Donnie Wahlberg. Brian is no longer Turtle from entourage. Brian is now Donnie Wahlberg. Hey, why did you do this to America, Donnie?

I haven't been the same since new kids broke up. You need help, bro, but America and the world will eventually forgive you because Blue Bloods is going to be such a bomb-ass show. The end. True, dad. Oh, my god. Oh, man. That was silly.

I like that. That was so much fun. That was... Yeah. You're a genius, Michael. You guys nailed it. I don't know how to do a Mark Wahlberg impression, and I don't know how the wrap to grade vibrations goes.

Get them close. But you know what? Good vibrations. Great vibrations. Good vibrations. Oh, good vibrations. Oh. Yeah, the movie is great vibrations.

I only know the good vibrations from The Beach Boys. That's my... If there's a better one than Markey Mark's. I'm giving out good vibrations. Good vibrations. David, hit it. Good vibrations. I don't know.

Okay, now the rap part. Good vibrations. Guys, come on, swing it. Come on, swing it. Can we get a moment of silence now? Black Lives Matter. Oh, come on. What is that?

Is that Trump? David, I can't believe you don't know that white person song. What song is it? The Beach Boys? Good vibrations from The Beach Boys. I know the good vibrations. Oh, yeah. That's not it.

No way he does not know that song. You are right. That is a different version of that song for sure. Hey, I know there's a lot going on, but... And I'd call attention to my favorite charity. Do I have your attention? Yes, you have our attention, Michael. The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund.

Can you read it? The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund. What is that? My... Oh, my God. What does that mean? Oh, my God. What does that mean?

What is the Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund? I got to know. It explains itself. Like, what else do you want to know? Give to the Ellen DeGeneres. Like, Ellen DeGeneres has a wildlife fund. Oh, yeah. What's the mystery?

It's like the whitest thing anybody could give to, right? Not everything. It's right in the back of the... I think the video is scary. Swing it. Come on, come on. Swing it. Swing it.

Black lives matter. Come on, come on. Feel it, feel it. Feel the vibrations. Yeah, now I remember it. Yeah. I need to prove you. Fuck yeah.

Well, Michael, what an amazing, amazing performance. You really surprised us. I had no idea you were sending in a script. I love it how some things you'll give us a little bit of a warning for. Some things you'll surprise us with. You are such a great judge of everything comedic.

You even bring out the best and silliest in all of us, and you did it again this week. Great job, man. You're absolutely unbelievable, and for such a great performance, I'm going to donate $100,000 of my own dollars to the Wild Life Fund. Thank you.

Fundability. White people priorities. Absolutely. Absolutely. 100%. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you, the great Michael Lair, everybody. There we go.

I love that man with all of my cold black heart. Your next comedian goes by the name of Black Dust. Here, for the first time, is Black Dust. Here he is, Black Dust. Oh. Oh, hey there. I was just reading. I'm Black Dust.

And I consider myself undefeated in fistfights. And that's not because I've won every fistfight. That's because the only person who's ever beat me up is now dead. It only took me eight years. Surprise.

Yes, that was a death match. No. What? Now, while I technically didn't kill him, pneumonia did. I believe in God because he answered my prayers that day. Speaking of God, my neighbors have smeared

a lot of red mud on their door in hopes that coronavirus will pass over them. Barbara, you stupid bitch. Lamb's blood does not equal red mud. You might think that crystal meth equals the cure

for retardation, but it don't. You're fucked. What? Eh? What? You know what? I didn't understand a single joke,

but with all the stuff going on in the world, I'm going to say that was my favorite set of the night. What? I liked how you were talking about punching, but you were only using your feet. Yeah. The worst hair I've ever seen

on a black guy. He's trying to pull William Montgomery and crop it out right now. I'm going to fucking have to push broom on his head. No. It is impressive. I could tell you dated a white girl, bro. No, she's Mexican

and Native American, but close, you know? Yeah. Same amount of fucked up. It is an impressive haircut. This is what it would look like if Beavis was on BET. I love it, man. Where are you at, Black Dust? I'm in Oklahoma City.

Oh, shit. That's a crazy place to be right now, huh? I've been around a couple of times. Yeah. My beers. Heck, yeah. You got the same beard as the top of your head. Carpet matches.

Curtains. Yeah. I love it. What do you do for work in Oklahoma City? I actually just landed a job at a fast, I mean, a fine dining restaurant. It's kind of a change from what I'm used to. Oh, wow.

What are you doing in fine dining? Well, I'm working my way up to chef, but for now I'm on the cold side. I'm like a stew chef right now in training. Oh, cool. Were you working at Roof's Cris? Longhorn. It's called Fight My Song.

I guess it means homemade in French, but I say if you want to fight my son, you have to fight me too. Oh, hell yeah. Are those your knives that you got on your lap? Yeah. Here's a katana

right here. You cook with those? Yeah, I do cook with these. I usually cook with long tubes here because it's plastic, so I can clean it easily. Fuck yeah. I'm going to be slicing sushi. I've also written Michael Wader on Twitter with these.

Oh, sweet. Are nunchucks illegal? Because I was told somebody sent me a pair and then somebody's like, you better hide those. Was that with you guys or with Rogan where I saw, yeah, it was, right? And what was going on at that time?

I feel like there was something. I think we were flying from Vancouver here and this girl taught nunchuckery and she had her training chucks with her. Yeah, she had training. And she was surprised that TSA took her nunchucks. She was like, this happens.

I know why this stopped in me. It's because I got nunchucks. It happened to me last week or whatever. It's so weird. I'm not really sure. I know that you can carry a cane sword in Oklahoma now. That's basically my only option.

One of the places you could just walk down the street with your guns? Well, I can't, but most people don't do that. Absolutely. And that's where you were born and raised, Oklahoma City? A little while out of Oklahoma City,

but we're here now. I've been informed that you have a boxing reel and a music video. Are those the same thing or is it one video or two separate things? That music is trash. Is it trash? Well, let's watch it.

The music video is trash. Let's check out some of your trash music. Yeah, watch this one. Okay, here we go. Black Dust presents Chocolatoma. Chocolatoma. Oh, you got Joel in this? This is my home town.

Man, I hope that is not my car largely off right now. I know. There's a nunchuck. Oh, don't fall in. Oh, don't fall in. Keep on saying. You kept that in.

I feel sorry for his own shit. Fix me. Wow, yeah, no, it's true. This is pretty bad. I mean, it's funny that you left you falling in. You're not taking this seriously, obviously, because you left.

We're being informed. Just tell us. The march, the protest. How about in the back? Is everything clear? Okay, well, that's fine. That song I made after I got out of jail, I was like in a really weird spot then.

Right. But when we leave, we'll just go south. Okay. If we leave. We might be fine. Are going surrounded by protesters. I thought I sent Gino Ninja shit, which is my like my favorite one.

That one was like a song I made after I got out of jail and I was just feeling all kind of weird ways and stuff. Did you go to jail for dunchucks? No, at a possession of marijuana actually, they just revoked my probation. I did 90 days. My goodness, how much marijuana did you

have on you? Hey, Graham, it wasn't mine either. I was just like arguing about marijuana. Fucking crazy. How long were you in jail? Three months? Is that what you said? Yeah. Were you in a jail for three months for a gram

of marijuana? Honest question. Do you think any white person would have done the same time for the same amount? It's funny because I did meet a guy in there who was there for two months and he just had a weed charge. But mine was like they revoked my probation from something

that happened when I was 18. And that was my first defense too. So I'm still like, I'm getting fucked here. I only got one fight in jail, by the way. Oh yeah, explain to us how that, how did that go down exactly? Your one fight. I'm always interested. Yeah.

I was known as like a fun guy who you could wrestle with. And I just like to have fun. This guy came up behind me and got me in a rear naked choke. So I turned into it and I get out of it and we go to the ground. I put him in an arm bar and I'm like, hey, just tap out

and it all be over. Hey, we're just having fun, right? And he's like, no, I'm not going to tap out. I was like, I'm not going to go. He's like, let go of me fucking nigger. So I got up and let go of him. I'm like, let's do this right now. And he was being a pussy. He goes back to his cell. I go back to the

kitchen. I'm working. Everybody knows about it. So when I finally go back to the pod, my cousin actually goes and gets him out of his cell because he's like pretending to sleep. And yeah, we go into the cell. I threw this outrageous punch that went like in the air and just missed

totally. And I don't know. That's kind of my move. I'm like unimposing and then I anticipate the return attack and I duck in and I grabbed him. I slammed him. I let him up, hit him one more time and I let him

and then they were all like, yeah, there is you did it. You defended your honor. You can watch Stephen Colbert tonight. It was great. I love that. That's how white people award each other by winning fights too. If you win your fight, you get to watch Stephen Colbert.

Let's go. It's funny because in the in the pod before this one that I moved out of, I'd gone to I don't know if you know it's like kangaroo court where the races hold everybody is by your race you're held accountable.

It was like the first time they took me to court, I wouldn't take a shower because I was really depressed and I was like when I first got there so they're like, hey nigga, you stand go take a shower. So I did that. I was like shadow boxing and like I had my hands wrapped and I was like kind of hitting the walls just trying to stay do my thing. They're like, hey

you're making us look bad because and the third time I just tried to I saw some guy getting like jumped by seven people and I was like, hey, what's going on? And they took me in the spell. They're like that's white people. Shit. Don't fuck with them. Hey, okay. I've come close.

Wild. My goodness. So you spent time in jail. You might know the answer to this. Do do rapists like looser asses or tighter asses? You like a looser one so your friend can put his in there at the same time. That's right. There you go.

You can both go to town on Jeremiah. There it is. I don't know. I don't know if you and I could fit at the same time just based on just based on angling around the rest of your body. We could twist it like a pretzel. Get your I'm a good boy.

Merchant. Black dust so much fun. Fun times hanging out with you. Thank you so much. Black dust everybody. The first time black dust has been on the show. We'll see you again soon pal. There he is. Your final

comedian of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you famous from roast battle at the comedy store. Here is Los Digits. Here he is. Here he is. Los Digits. The pillow. He's considering buying a wall so Americans won't cross over.

Boy out of the walls have turned. I mean, Trump is trying to kill off the population because he heard if he kills off everybody you'd be the smartest man in the damn world. Fuck yeah. There he is. Los Digits, one of my favorite

roast battlers in all of Los Angeles hanging out with both what appears to be a statue of a dog and a statue of a white man at the same time. Oh, the white man just moved. What's up Digits? How are you my man? What's up? I'd like to say

first of all to the police commission panel I yield my time. Absolutely. How are you doing? I'm great man. I absolutely love this guy. I don't know what it is about him. You guys are both Latino.

Oh, that must be it. Love the cholos hat, love the jacket, love the graffiti in the other background. Yeah, I love it. You definitely graffitied your own what appear to be bedroom there. Whose house have you broken into that you're filming at now?

This guy right here. I'm holding him hostage. I own him now. I love it. How about the dog? What's the story with that dog back there? RCA dog. That was free to go whenever you want. Now, Digits is an absolute legend

in roast battle. It's no secret that he is you know, they have their own culture over there at roast battle. Tuesday nights at the comedy stores has always been complete chaos and so much fun. We have Mondays and they have Tuesdays.

And Digits is famous for an extremely unorthodox style of being very serious much like you see right now and moving around a lot. It's very hard to describe. What have you been doing to let out some of those roast energies

that you're famous for on Tuesdays now that we've all been quarantined? I know it made me loopy the first month or two. How are you holding it together? We'll see Tony. Here's the difference between me and you Tony. I've done jail time. This is no big deal.

I've done it once or twice before and you see what happened to my room? I painted the shit out the walls. That's what's happening Tony. I'm not going crazy Tony. I'm getting more artistic by the minute. I'm going crazy. God, I love that man.

I'm not going crazy. I'm just getting more artistic by the minute. That is beautiful. I've been hanging out on mugshot.com and roasting everybody on there. It's like fucking City 10. It's like 10,000 motherfuckers on there by state.

I'm not even joking. I love that. David Lucas is a roast god as well. Have you guys ever come across each other in battle or anything? No, I've never. I've seen him at the comedy school. Have you seen him at the comedy school?

Yeah, I've seen him live. I've seen him on TV too. Have you ever seen him roast battle someone? No. It's a sight to see. I've seen David Lucas on that school thing. The roasting. That's right.

Roast me. Roast me. Yeah. What's the story with that white guy behind you? Does he ever move? It's like a young weekend at Bernie's. It's like the opposite of William Henry's guy. Man, I don't need it.

He'll move after. I love it, digits. What did you go to jail for? Hey! Damn, that's nice. You guys are a unit over here. These are like if the Sklar Brothers had bad parents. The Sklar Brothers.

What did you go to jail for? We just had another young man on Before You that got caught with a grandma pot and had to do three months. Would you like to talk about why they put you in jail or is that off limits? I went to jail for breaking into white people's houses and holding them hostage.

But that was years ago. I don't do that no more. Hell yeah. No, I love that. Absolutely not. We're not telling on you. For sure. That's nice to hear from you.

Hell yeah. I'm no rat. I'm not a snitch. I went the first time I went for graffiti, man. And then the second time I did it for beating up a couple security guards. Oh, okay. All right.

Fuck yeah, man. Well, we got to get you on one of these shows back at the comedy store when business gets booming again. He's doing roast battle here on Friday. Is that true? Yeah, I'm doing a million there every once in a while. And I'm doing the

international battle, roast two, roast battles. I'm doing the Tokyo one of the 26. So keep an eye out for that. And I'm doing all the other ones, Australia, England, trying to get New Zealand. Fuck yeah.

And I mean, it's incredible how great of a roaster you are and the fact that you know, clearly you're trying to even get better because the fun fact is that digits was actually the first human being that signed up the second that we went live

at midnight on Sunday with Roastmaster class. The first name that dropped in was Los Digits and I love that, dude. And for sure, you're going to you're going to end up it's always weird saying learning,

but you're going to end up finding out some crazy stuff and tactics and exercises and muscles to be grown. We just saw some video of you roasting. Is it hard roasting without an audience here at Betterbox? It's different, but it's not hard.

I mean, I think it's kind of easier because if you eat shit, you don't know it until you get home. Digits, I love you, man. I love your style. Everybody in that room has not anyway. It's going to be a bad day. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, thank you

so much for joining us on Kill Tony. You can find him at Los Digits everywhere on social media. He's a badass motherfucker. We absolutely love you. Great performance here today. There was a lot of tough acts to follow on before you and you were hilarious. Shout out to the innocent

victim who had his house broken into behind you. Shout out to the dog and we'll talk to you guys soon. Fuck yeah. Hey, let's check in with Ryan J. Ebell real quick with tonight's drawing. He had to draw it from home tonight because we had to switch stuff around. Wow, that's badass.

Oh my God. Long distance, powerful Kill Tony drawing for this very chaotic episode. I absolutely love the fire and the chaos going on in this. Very fitting for these times. Very cool. With a paparazzi

camera down there as in the news casting, I do believe is being covered with that and Ryan J. Anything else I'm missing about it? It's Mike's messed up. Ryan J. Can you hear me? Yeah, we're having audio

audio troubles with Ryan J. It's another demented haunted Ryan J. Ebell.com. Everything's on sale right now. Kill Tony got to kill Tony book. You got every print that he draws every episode. You can get posters and all that stuff there for sure. And don't forget you can submit your own minute to the show

kill Tony quarantine at gmail.com and a lot of other fun stuff happening. Of course you have Brian on VR. You have my new roast master class on Patreon. Jeremiah Venmo at Jeremiah dash Watkins. Thank you much so much for joining us here tonight

on the show and Todd Glass is the guest on Jeremiah wonders this week. One of my favorites in the entire world. So you're definitely going to watch that on YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. There you go. Jeremiah wonders and the great Jetski Johnson was here. She's on social media Jetski Johnson. Anything else? Jesse

so good to be here with you guys and this kid at a time and you guys watching at homes and take care of each other. Absolutely believe it or not this was Joel Berg Joel Jimenez all night long Joel. You're mostly sorry on social media. You have the brand new podcast mostly sorry

which I got to catch some of and absolutely loved it. Thanks. Yep. Anything else with what else? No new episode coming soon. I love you guys stay safe out there. Happy to become bring some joy for a little bit. The great David Lucas was with us. I've talked

about it every episode but he's hilarious on Instagram. He roasts people late at night. David Lucas funny. Anything else David? We probably won't have a brothers in cursive this week due to us having to move stuff out of the studio and board it up due to the riots. So check

us out next week. Love it. Love brothers in cursive and I love Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. I caught the episode with Michael Lair. Let me tell you something. I mean and you know it might not be the same for you listeners that don't know Brian Holtzman quite as well as we do. You know

I'm from a couple episodes of this show and maybe Dead Air but man did I love watching those two going back and forth. They have great chemistry. Oh my God. It was like fucking Godzilla and King Kong because I don't think there were times where it wasn't connecting

but it still was hilarious. Either way it was hilarious the entire time. That was awesome. Everything Michael Lair of course MichaelLairComedy.com and yeah what else. Thanks a lot guys be safe. Yes.

Bye.