KILL TONY - KT #458 – QUARANTINED #13

Episode Date: June 11, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/08/2020

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Po-Toni. Check out our website, F-Squad.tv, and every past episode of Hillbender. You can watch the video for more information on the show. You can also click on the coordinates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows to be rescheduled every day, so check it out.

I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st, and we have the Skank Fest, and we have Po-Toni Mania out for 10 minutes. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th to 17th, and then Oklahoma, Washington

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what's it, osage rub? Am I saying that right, Ryan? Osage? Osage, yeah, that sounds better. But it's the stuff like the barber uses. They put it on like the towel that they, whatever. I just bought it straight from my barber. Like I'm gonna buy some of that.

So I do. I'll run a hot shower, squirt some of that in there. But now I don't even have to do that because I have the new Hinchme. I'm dreaming candle. You can get it at damngoodco.com. Do you have your own candle right on your table? Everywhere, boxes, they're stacked.

I burn, my place looks like a goddamn sacrifice is happening. I have so many Hinchme. I'm dreaming candles. You would think I'm going to sacrifice a baby. Ryan J. E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode. Speaking of big Harry babies, the great Ryan J. E. Belt joining us. Very exciting stuff.

And we're going on the road soon. At the end of July, we're going to Miami, the 31st of July and August 1st. There's Kiltonys on the 31st. And a lot of these are standup shows too and Kiltonys. Like Boston, August 13th, Houston, August 20th, Dallas, the 27th of August, Fort Worth, 28th and 29th, Salt Lake City, 9-11, Moon Tower, September 17th,

Toronto, the 29th of September, and Bakersfield, Sacramento, and San Francisco, Kiltony, Mania Week, October 13th through the 18th. And DC we're going back to in November. I just realized this is the first year in like three years that I'm not going to be spending my birthday in Indiana. Oh yeah?

When's your birthday again? August 4th. Remember it's always when you're at that festival. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Fort Worth. Never again for Fort Worth. Fun stuff happening, wherever we go, no matter where in the country,

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The heat's picking up here in LA and I poured over a nice glass of ice. It is delicious. Hey, you know what you could do, people? If you listen to Killtony on different things, why don't you check us out over on Spotify? Make sure you subscribe to us over there because a lot of fun things are happening

over there nowadays and a lot of people are getting Spotify premium and they're looking at who's coming over from where. So check out Killtony, subscribe there. And while I'm pitching you subscribing to things, head over to YouTube. We are almost at 100,000 subscribers, even if you don't even have a YouTube account like me.

I don't even, I don't even really log in. Oh man. If you watch more YouTube than anything now, like any TV shows, I spend probably two hours on YouTube shows every week. I found this one where it's just people that go underwater and dive and look for treasures. They found like these cars,

they take the cars out of the water, found a body in there and it's like, found out it was this kid that was driving home drunk once and they've been looking for him for years. It's so interesting. You ever watched Jim Can't Swim? No, what's that? That's a crime show that I was introduced to

by the great Gage Tiarina, in which they show you the interrogations of people and they break them down. It's all about criminal psychology and it's really fucking awesome. It shows you exactly how they trick people into giving up information, even though they could walk away at any point,

even if they'd already asked for their attorney, there's ways to do that and there's things that they use and even on the stand and court cases. It's like forensic files, but it's like a forensic files is pro wrestling. Jim Can't Swim is UFC. It's like real and serious and intense, very exciting.

You can submit to Kill Tony, this is it. I mean, we're coming down the straightaway now. My guess is we're going to be back at the comedy store soon. So if you're global and you can't make it to LA, this is some of your last chances to submit to the show. Kill Tony Quarantine at gmail.com. Make sure you keep an eye on your email

because you can get a response and if you don't respond quickly, they're just going to skip over you because there's so many people submitting. So Kill Tony Quarantine at gmail.com. Get on some of these final episodes. All right, so there we go. You guys ready to start this thing?

Okay, exciting, that's right. I forgot, there's no, I still. I was like waiting for it too. And I was like, yeah. Even after months, I was at least expecting somebody to be like, yeah, or something. Oh yeah, David Lucas. Yeah, so let's start with that.

We have a guest tonight, just like we did last week, a very special guest, one of the regulars from the show, one of the great roasters of all time in Kill Tony history. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas joining us. What's up, y'all, what's up, man? Hi, David, good to have you back again. Hey, man, appreciate you all for having me, bro, I get to get some time away.

I love it. We're gonna have some fun tonight. We're gonna meet some people from around the world. And there's also a band on the show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. It's always exciting to find out.

They stay in character throughout every episode. And let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Jetski Jesse Johnson. Dads at a barbecue, Dads at a barbecue, Dads at a barbecue, They're Dads at a barbecue.

Oh my god, Dads at a barbecue? I never would have known if it wasn't for that song. Hello, guys, how are you, guys and girl, or guys? That is a man, Tony. Oh, wow, hello. You can tell by the light here. That's my friend at 30 years. That's a man.

Do you see that lake here? It's coming in thick. Wow, I just realized how many J's there are in all your guys' names. I should have realized this months ago. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is three J's. Jetski Jesse Johnson is three J's. And Jeremiah Jabroni.

Judy Watkins. Jui Jabroni, Jeremiah is here. I just want to say happy birthday to him. Hey, thank you. What's your name, Dad at a barbecue? My name is Dwayne Wilcox, Tony. Dwayne? Dwayne Wilcox.

Dwayne, interesting name. You seem like the kind of guy that would call the police on a guy named Dwayne. I got my phone right here. Oh, there you go. And what's your name, Mr. Harry Leggs, over there? Oh, you could call me Gary. OK.

And I don't know about you guys, but I could eat. I bet you can, Gary. And what's your name there? Look at you at the thick stash. Hey, the name's Phil Dempsey, but you can call me chef. He's always got the best jokes. I almost spilled my beer. We got the chef Phil Dempsey, Dwayne Wilcox, and Gary.

So let's just jump right into the show. Everything's in place. Ryan J. David Lucas, the whole band. We got Charlie from Vito's Pizza here, keeping us filled up. Best pizza in LA, Vito's Pizza. Locations all around Southern California. So check it out.

Did you guys see that fucking? We talked about this last week, the goddamn fast food thing that came out that said we're each state's favorite. What the? They're trolling everybody, right? They have to be trolling, because the question is Ohio. Melties. Yeah, what's melties?

I don't know. You've never even heard of that. And they said Denny's won California. No one goes to Denny's in California. In furious. I love Denny's. I go there all the time. I'm pretty sure that's like a CIA.

Like it's an experiment to see. There was something else like it was like Boston, where they had something like a Boston market. And it's like, no, it would be obviously Dunkin' Donuts. It's on every single corner. All right, let's jump into the show. Your first submission, who knows where it's coming from. These have been fun, in a way, episodes,

these quarantine episodes. They are definitely different than having hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of people that want to be there on a Monday at 8 PM, excited to the gills, full energy out. But here we are. You know what I mean? Nine ultra-talented egos all slammed into a 30 by 30 foot

room. And let's see what happens here. We're going to get it started with Jesse Curtis, everyone. Here we go. Hey. Here's Jesse Curtis. I'm Jesse. Damn glad to meet you.

Let's jump right into the first guess, one, Miss Piggy. What is it like being the Trina of the Muppets? Excusez-moi. That's right, because you the baddest bitch. Oh, shit. I hear a bad bitch right now. Is that Issa Rae dropping bars in the mirror? Broken pussy.

Speaking of broke pussy, that leaves us right on into welcoming Peggy Bundy. Oh, ow. Cool. So we're going to hop on over to the after party in the after life. Holy hell, is that Bill Shakespeare over there? I can't see real good.

Oh, now it looks like Farley and Gilda. It's always something. If it ain't one thing, it's another. Amen. We're going to end this up with a POTUS Party phone call. China. That's all folks go on get. Fuck yeah, Jesse Curtis.

Absolutely. Hi, Jesse. How are you? Goodness gracious. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. Indeed. Good to see you.

Where are you calling in from? Virginia Beach, Virginia. Ooh, Virginia Beach. Heck yeah, that's a very white place, right? It's popping. I mean, we got things going. You said it like you were angry about that. She said, eh, no matter how many black people are there,

it's too many. What's that? So how dare you? No, I mean, I think we got a good like melting pot here. I love that. She likes black guys, Tony. She made that Trina reference. Oh, that is the baddest bitch.

She did have a Trina reference. And she has a lot of black guys' favorite white girl, Miss Piggy, in the background. What do you do, Jesse? What do you do for work? Fox News Analyst, press secretary for the White House. What is it? Live, that's just it.

I worked in e-commerce for, I went to school for fashion, but ended up in e-commerce for 10 years. And I'm a big fan, so I know you're going to be like, what's interesting about you, or it's a cool fact. The first four years in e-commerce, I ran two web stores for Pusha T's brand, Play Clothes, and then T.I.'s brand, Akku. So, and I think that you had Pusha T

on one of your things for your year. What did you do exactly for Pusha T? I ran the web store. So, I mean, 10 years ago, e-commerce isn't what it is now. So, it's in the very beginning of everything, but I'd interned for the companies before, and then kind of just fell into it. Wow, did you get to talk to Pusha T directly at all?

I mean, I've met him several times. Oh, cool. Like him and Raoul has put on a big music festival last year here, and it got canceled this year, obviously, with everything that's going on, but he was really cool. I met T.I. a couple of times. Any of these guys try to bang you?

Nobody tried to bang me, no. No, Pusha T saw you, and he was like, eeww. Eeww. Eeww. Eeww. Eeww. Eeww. Eeww.

Eeww. Eeww. Eeww. That made 1% of the Kill Tony audience laugh. My Pusha T- Love, Dad. I'm honestly really into the rap music. Did Dads at a barbecue get it at all?

I almost caught the cops in the reference. Did you get into e-commerce after you left the Devil's Rejects, or? You do look like Cheryl Noon Zombie. That's a compliment. Thank you. Indeed. You single, Jesse?

I have a boyfriend. Oh, OK. Did he paint that yellow, beautiful piece of artwork above here? Yeah. Of course, Brian thinks the yellow artwork is beautiful. That was drawn by your art. That's a picture, too.

Is he black or white? I want to know. He's white. He's white. Are you kidding me? Look at the hell out of here. Do you think she's hooking up with a black guy? Yeah, she's a traitor.

I thought she loved it. She's a police badge on her shirt. Yeah. I can't do the right side. This is given to an artwork for a classical company, and I went to the shot show in Las Vegas this year. This is the last time I traveled. And a woman cop from y'all's area

gave me this from just shooting the shit with her, and she just gave me it. It was cut off of a shirt, and she was a police officer there, so it was kind of cool. That was east of Vine Street, right? You stayed around the Silver Lake area, Los Feliz? No, a shot show is in Vegas. Oh.

All right, I lost track of that story. What is up with the yellow piece of art on the wall? Why is it just yellow? Is that an R. Kelly original? Yeah. Great piss on it. It looks like a. No, it has texture to it, but you have to get an angle,

because there's an X and different patterns on it and different textures, but you can't see it. Cool. That's all your art behind you? Yes, all the ladies. Yeah. I love that. I'm a big fan of Gilda Radner.

Crazy. Wild, wild stories, that one. I can't remember where I saw that good Gilda documentary. But man, she stood. Yeah, I think it is Hulu, actually. I almost said that, but so few great things are on Hulu. I didn't want to get it wrong. Yeah, that's one of the things.

That's one of Hulu's three or four amazing things. I love Hulu. And by the way, you use coupon code kill Tony. Three months. Is that true? I forget what it was. Hulu never sponsored us. Yeah, for sure.

I would remember that. For sure. Hulu. Yeah, I'll be there to pick up the soccer practice real quick. All right, see you later. Finally, a joke. He killed me. All right, Zaddy's, calm down.

Whoa, she called me daddy. Oh, look out. I love it. So what else, Jesse, what else is interesting about you? You ever do stand up? I don't know. I've never done anything. I did like a really.

So in the beginning of you guys doing the quarantine stuff, I tried to do my jokes and I sent it to a friend. It's kind of depressing. And then he literally said, don't be depressing and not well lit. And nobody wants to be bummed out and have funds. And then that's why I basically just roasted all my own paintings and had fun with it.

And then this exactly means all of this. That's great. Yeah, you did something. Absolutely. It's better than, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I like it. I saw SNL.

I did the whole wait outside on the street or whatever. And so Emily Blunt and Bruna Mars. And I saw like Alec Baldwin doing Trump. And it was like goosebumps and everything. Wow, that's wild. That is wild. You know, a little fun fact about Alec Baldwin's Trump that I don't think I ever mentioned on this show.

Maybe I did, but I actually worked with Alec Baldwin on a, we'll say, a secret project for a private gig. That's something that I wrote. And this was back in, I think, early 2015 or 2016. And super long story short. I'm the one that suggested to him trying out a Trump impression. And we worked on it together over the phone. And I basically started Alec Baldwin's Trump impression

for him. Wow, what do you do? He exists. I wrote him a whole thing to do in Trump. And this was before he ever did it on SNL. Fuck yeah. Just another. You're welcome, Alec Baldwin.

Yeah, you and Alec Baldwin actually have one thing in common, a rude, thoughtless little pig in your living room. Hey, look at that. Oh, that was a great one. All right, Jessie. Great way to start the show. You're a great personality.

I loved your, I loved the creativity that you took in your submission. Thanks for kicking off the show for us tonight. Thank you so much, big scene. I'm going to go. There she goes. Jessie Curtis. She's on Instagram.

And Jay Curt, 007, J-C-U-R-T 007. Good programming. And we have yet another submission. And we will just get right to it. Your next comedian or submission goes by the name of Dean Reed. Here we go. Dean Reed.

Dean Reed. Dean Reed. All right, here's Dean Reed. I'm not a baseball fan. But being bored in the quarantine, I broke down my sex game like a pitcher with a sports anchor voice. I just love Dean's fuck game.

Here's why. Has the overall package, a nice thick, big dick, and has lots of tricks up his sleeve in order to be that premier starter. Now, he may give up early runs by coming too soon on some occasions. But hey, he's over 40. So that's bound to happen on occasions.

Still, he will finally settle in and push through seven and nine stiff innings. This guy has all the tools mixing up his deadly game with finger pop strategies, allowing to get through those tough innings before his dick's hard again, allowing to finish strong and leave these girls satisfied. He could always be used in closing situations if needed.

Now, eating pussy is above average. But if I had to choose a weakness, I'd have to say that would be it. Still, a high motor guy, steady foreplay, a real intimidator on the mound with his dirty talk and how he goes deep while slapping and choking out these bitches. Look, I've seen him have women gag on his dick

while having them tear up and snot running down their nose. And they're happy to do it. He's a very exciting player. And I love to watch this guy when he's out there performing. It's just incredible. Here it is. Dean Reed, hello. Dean Reed, hello.

Yo, Tony crew, what's going on, man? Everything's good, man. What's shaking? Your artwork is the opposite of the white girls. You have black art, and she had white and yellow art. It is what it is. Black lives matter. Definitely, absolutely.

That's why we have David Lucas here. That's the only reason why. Bruce, this guy looks like me at 42 and 190 pounds. Yeah, that's true. I can see that. This is your future. This is Lucas David. It's a good future.

My background will look like that. I love it, Dean. Where are you calling us in from? Orlando, Florida. Oh, look at that. Orlando, the home of Disney World. I guess so. How are things in Orlando?

Has there been rioting and looting? Honestly, I don't know. I've been hanging out in Palm Coast ever since the quarantine. I was fired from my job, so I'm just out here chilling, man. Where'd you get fired from? I was a supervisor in a customer service call center. Oh, OK.

Why'd you get fired? They said it was about the numbers, but maybe I was very irresponsible with the things I did at work. Oh, like what? Like, what'd you do at work? Um, I didn't take it as seriously as I should in the later years.

Let me just say that. Oh, OK. All right. He's got my hero. I wish I could be like you. What kind of call center? What kind of call center David Lucas wants to know? Is customer service for one of the tolling programs in Florida?

Oh, OK. Sun pass. No comment, bro. I love your commentary for your sexual actions that you do. You in the bedroom. What's your favorite type of girl to hook up with? What does she look like to you? I fuck with the Latino and the Black girls.

Oh, the Latinos and the Black girls. Standing ovation from Chef Phil Dempsey. Hello, there's a race riot down here on Sunset Boulevard going on. OK. You have a preference between the Latinas and the Black women? Honestly, man, I just like fine women, so it really doesn't matter and whatever I could get. The good thing is you don't have to choose.

There's Black Latinas. Well, where he's going from, they're mostly Puerto Rican, right? So you got a lot of Cuban, hot-headed ladies. A lot of fights. Cuban, Puerto Rican, Dominican, Black, White. You got it all in Orlando. As long as they keep a knife in their purse. One time, my wife got really hot-headed.

I forgot the Netflix password. Oh, you do not want to see her around the household. You can't do that. What's the what's how many white women do you think you've been with if you had to guess? Two. I'm talking to a dean read. Probably four.

Four. Maybe four. It's been like 15, 20 years since I've been with one of them. What's your least favorite thing about white women? I asked you what your favorite was. You said Latina and Black women first. What is it about the white women that? How they hide their money at their house.

He can't find it. Oh, Jesus. Only you could make that joke, David Lucas. To be honest, I really don't discriminate. If I had to choose one, nobody. And I just don't relate to them. Oh, OK. You said that your dirty talk is good in the bedroom.

Can you give us an example of what some of that dirty talk sounds like? Can you just lose yourself in the moment? You want it? You better never let it go. Before I get on my Eminem, I do have to say it was just a premise. But I do like to get into their heads. Be kind of in the moment.

You like this dick, don't you? Yes. Go ahead. Keep fucking till you come. All that kind of shit. Wow. Look at that. That's pretty good.

I was up from Chef Phil. I use the Gatorade slogan sometime. I'm like, is it in you? I don't know. I don't know. Oh. Dwayne Wilcox. Well, I am from Gainesville, and I grew up in the neighborhood

with the inventor of Gatorade. So I guess it's in my blood, bro. In my house, my wife actually talks dirty to me. She says, clean up your goddamn mess, Gary. I love it. I love it, man. Yeah, brum brum. Dean, what do you do for fun?

What are some fun facts about Dean Reed? I mean, to be honest with you, man, I'm kind of just boring. I like to talk shit, drink, I fish. I like to observe people, and just I'm kind of in the moment, man, with my actual people that I hang out with. I'm funny, but if I don't know you, I'm kind of like an introverted extrovert. So I'm just one of those people.

Have you ever been locked up? Never been in handcuffs before, but I never made it to the jail, bro. On international drive? Definitely not there. I think he's saying he's a magician. He got out of the cuffs. He escaped.

It's great. I love it. Love me some David Copperfield. What are you doing this Friday? I'd love to have you at the next barbecue. Yeah, these cops are wild out there. I will tell you, I got I got pulled over the other day. I got two warnings.

You can pull it over a lot, I've noticed. It happens. Never been shot once. They tell me that I'm going over the speed limit, and then I question them. This is what we call, this is what a lot of people would call white privilege. Absolutely.

I'll say speeding, and they'll go, yeah, speed is what I got you for. I go, what'd you get me for? And they'll go like, you know, they'll be like 48 and a 35. And I go, 48, you got that on a radar? That's what I'll say. And I'll go up with my voice like that. You got that on a radar?

And then they'll go, and like this guy the other day, he was literally like, well, I didn't get you on my radar exactly, but I was pacing you out. I have my own system. I've been doing this a long time. I go, all right, I trust your system, but 48, sheesh. I mean, my speedometer here is pretty big. It's a pretty big monitor I got there on my lovely car.

But Tony, happy birthday. As long as you didn't put the hands on the back of your trunk and ask where you're going, where you're coming from and all that other bullshit, then just take the warnings and use that white privilege. Yeah, you're fucked when they touch your trunk. That's true. I put my hands on my trunk

like I'm doing the Macarena like that. When you put your hands on your trunk, your pants end up down, Tony. I don't think Tony heard me. What'd you say? I said, when you put your hands on your trunk, your pants end up down. All right.

Macarena. Dildos and looty holes over there. Gay Macarena. Tony blew out a latex cake for his birthday. That's true. I actually did. I had a cake made of latex and I blew it out. But when I say blew it, I mean like, you know, not. Yeah, exactly.

Red Band's got it. The act out machine, Brian Red Band. Dean so much. So much fun. Great talk, Dean. Thank you so much for submitting. Fun times, dude. Thanks for your creativity.

I don't know what he just said. I miss that, but I love you, Dean. I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out when I watch it back. Just keep playing, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for William Montgomery. Here he is. Lights out William Montgomery, the big red machine.

Here he is. Hi, William. How's it going, y'all? I'm pretty juiced tonight. Yeah. It's my ring. So now juice.com. You were waiting to see if there was a delay

or something like that. There's no delay, William. Just keep going. Is that reverb? Ryan Gosling is married to Eva Mendez, which is almost as surprising as finding out Danny DeVito was married to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Say what you will about Scientologists, but goddamn, can they act best damn actors in all the pyramid scheme, religion, industry? I'm not joining. I'm a Christian. Boy, I screwed up this time. I wanted to start a GoFundMe for the guy that got killed in Minneapolis,

but I got the names mixed up. So if you want to donate money to the criminal defense fund, Link is in the bio. Can I say my last two jokes? Wow. Can I say my last two jokes? Anybody want to guess if that was too long of a stinger?

Does anybody want to take a while? I'm just kidding. I will. It was. Yes, William, you could do your last joke. Oh, yes, go ahead, William. Hey, Red Van, I bought a book recently called The Bible. Maybe you should look into it.

And my actual last one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, there you go. It's always funny. It's funny or the second time. And then finally, why didn't LA gear get a bailout? How many more fucking jokes do you have, William? Yeah, and like you just told me to go look up the Bible.

That's is that a joke? What do you fucking think it is, Red Van? I think you need to paint some black stripes over you, Garfield. I think you need to start kissing black girls because we all know you have. Whoa, that's true, actually. It is true.

You went on camera, man. We've seen you in Anaconda. Wow, you were in Anaconda? I was. I remember that. Other people didn't know that I was the snake. You were the red-headed guy that choked on the wasp in the tank.

How was that movie, Red Van? Was it fun? We all read it was fun. Jesus, you're wasted tonight, aren't you? William, a lot of people have been talking about perhaps you have begun a drinking problem once again, that you start drinking early in the day that meanwhile, you know,

even though you're still very talented, you're able to keep it together and do great performances, people are saying that they are concerned for your health. He's just trying. Who's saying that? Arnold Stein? Your peers, your family, and your doctors are saying that. Richard Fierce?

I had sex with his daughter, raw dog, put my penis in her bottom. She had preparation H1 her whole. Yeah, I was doing that. I'm a Christian. We're gonna check in with Gary. Dwayne Wilcox over here. Honest question, William.

Now, is it the lighting right now, or do you have jaundice? Yeah, I was about to say, it's my jaundice. Oh, it's jaundice. I'm starting to get concerned when you say, can I do my last joke? Cause I feel like it could be your last joke.

Do you want to quit fucking saying that? Do you want to quit fucking everything? Maybe? Isn't an intervention. William, let's check in with the red spot on your chest. Is that doing any better? Is it worse? Let's do our weekly update.

Can we check in with my nephew? He has a joke for y'all. Yes, absolutely. Are you gonna put the camera on him? What's up? What's up? Hello? Are you ready for the joke?

I don't know. Yes. Okay. Say it faster. You've already messed us up. No, this was the hilarious. There was a series of murders involving a picnic basket. So the police had to reopen the basket case.

Hilarious. Hilarious. Will you show us how to socialize people like that? Yeah, on Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy, what are you talking about? D4L? That's funny. Is that David Lucas?

That's a black joke for real. Yeah, we allowed David Lucas. David, where are you, man? I'm actually streaming from the bathroom. Luckily for that, he has yellow fever. No. Hey, Will, don't let that motherfucker tell another joke, dawg.

William, what have you been doing? Hey, man, I'm a medium. That motherfucker tell popsicle jokes, nigga. I just made that up earlier today. It's my fucking nephew. Man, get your broke bill, not a science guy looking at somebody here. Okay, hold on, hold on.

Oh, it's really William. William, I thought that... What have you been doing to stay healthy as of late during this quarantine and riots and whatnot? A lot of bananas, a lot of potassium, a lot of oranges, a lot of vitamin C, a lot of apples, a lot of vitamin A, a lot of... You're a fruitarian.

Crutarian, yes. That's my uncle, Richard Crutarian. No, no, not Crutarian. That is a lover of croutons. You are a fruitarian, a man who only eats the fruits. My name is Michael Frutarian. I'm happy to meet you all tonight. I greatly apologize for being sort of the first person

you all are gonna see at an all-you-can-eat buffet, but trust me, this place is safe. Okay, okay, Michael Frutarian, are you Armenian? You could say that in the ankles and the penis. Okay. All right, all right. I'm probably gonna get a text from your parents after this appearance here tonight.

Tony, don't say that. Tony, don't say that. No, I won't, I won't say it again. Thank you so much. Are you about to cry? What's going on over there? You can say that. Well, you gotta leave that liquor alone, bro.

You're looking like Michael Jordan from his documentary, guys. Yeah, you look like Michael Jordan's eyeballs. Hey, David, work on the delivery. I don't get it. Hey, William, work on yourself. All right, okay. William Montgomery, everybody.

We love you, William. We love you. Good stuff. William Montgomery. William.f.montgomery.one. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ellie Rosinski. Here's Ellie Rosinski. Here's Ellie Rosinski.

Hey, so I have a minute, which is still longer than I can last in bed. Not easy for my girlfriend if you ask her. I've tried telling her, it's quite normal for guys to finish off that quickly, because I know she hasn't been with a lot of men before me, but of course she talked to her friends and she found out it's bullshit.

So I try using condoms, even though she's protected like a tank inside. It's a slippery option and it might have lasted longer, but she didn't feel much while it happened. So my last attempt at being good in the sack was aborting the launch right before takeoff, just like that crude dragon did last week.

But half the time, my rocket still goes on one. And as sad as it sounds, I'm sure that if she was willing to have sex more than once a week, I'd probably last longer. Oh, very good. Ellie Rosinski. Hi, Ellie, how are you?

Hey guys, I'm very well. Where are you at right now? I'm in Warsaw. Warsaw, Poland, huh? Yes, it's actually 5.40 a.m. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for joining us. How far are you from Olinsk, Olinsk, Olsynk?

Pretty far, if I believe that's what I think it is. Right, where Ioana Jacek is? You know who Ioana Jacek is? I think you don't say it properly. I'm not, Olsynk, it begins with an O. It's in your country. What is it? Yeah, it's Olsynk.

Olsynk. Yeah, they say letters, letters are totally different sounds out there. Austin. Pretty close. Yeah, Austin. It looks like Austin, but with an O. Uh-huh, what do you do there in Warsaw?

I'm a musician. Oh, cool, what kind of music do you play? George Michael cover band. Justin Bieber tribute band. Yeah, we've got the hearing going. Not like indie pop electronic. Oh, okay, yep, that sounds about right. Polish music, that's pretty much Polish.

It's not the hearing with Polish, I'm actually friend. Your stash is going crazy over there. You may have the barbecue, you're too much standing over the grill. This is a real mustache. We're going to get you some Jess for men and you're going to be fine. Gary said you play the computer, is that right? Yeah, that's pretty much it.

I kind of play the drums. Oh, okay, cool. Where are you staying at? What haunted house are you staying at right now? It's actually my studio because my girlfriend is right next door. She's sleeping and she complains how to move a bit further. Okay, play us something, play us some Polish music.

Do you have anything handy there in your studio? Do you have your laptop handy? No, I got the guitar. I'm pretty sure I'm going to piss her off if I do that. Just give her a vibrator, she'll chip her teeth. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, bro. No, Polish and Polish and vibrator jokes. Dude, I'm not even Polish, I'm French.

I just live in Poland. Classic. Classic Polish jokes. Yeah, it's gotta be dirty. It's gotta be Polish, it's gotta be dirty, man. Oh, that's true. Like a Polish firing squad where they all stand in a circle. That's true.

Where are you at? What's the one, you get a Polish girl pregnant, right? You know how to do that, right? No, you come in a shoe and you let the flies do the rest. You let the flies do the rest. What? I said, I wish I knew some Polish jokes. Yeah, you can just write them, they're super easy.

So Polish bitches are dirty? Yeah, well, they're dirty and stupid is what they say. Oh, shit. What? That's the American stereotype. Clearly, I don't know if you've watched the news at all in the past few weeks, but we're a little bit racist here. How'd you get a one arm pollock out of a tree?

You waved to him. Oh, this is great. They knew it in the beginning. This is three months into quarantine. We're just doing Polish jokes right off the internet. I'm going to use that up my next barbecue last time. You have any Polish jokes? The dads should have Polish jokes.

This is a white dad barbecue thing. I'm just admiring Red Band's knowledge of the Polish jokes. He knows all of them. Give us another one. OK, right off the top of his head. Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? What was it? The flashlight.

Yeah? It's solar powered. No, I didn't. Oh. You got to explain that. Who wrote that, will you? All right, play us something on the guitar. I'm sorry to insult your entire ethnicity in home country.

Well, he said he's actually French. Oh, you're French? Yeah, I'm French and I'm a drummer, so it's like nothing to do with the guitar and Polish. How'd you end up in Warsaw? Because my family's Polish and it's easier to make a music career here. Oh, OK.

How's your career going? Yeah, it's doing well, man. It's doing well. We got like a video. It's got like almost two million hits. I love it. What's the name of your video that people should check out? It's called Oxygen.

And the band is Be Mine. Be Mine? B-E-M-Y. B-E-M-Y. Be Mine. Yeah, it's a shitty name. No one can pronounce it. I love it.

Play us a song. Here's Ellie Rosinski on the guitar, trying to not wake up his girlfriend and also playing for the masses around the world right now. OK, so we have Polish blues, yeah? Here we go. Polish blues are, as we call them, whites. Hey.

I'm going to stop the last part. I do remember the words. In the morning, you can have pizza any time. When pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza any time. I'm fucking Polish. That's right. I love your music. I love that.

That's what plays in the lobby at the Hostel Hotel before they murder you. That should make me want to buy a feeling. It seems like you guys just got a little Richard in Poland. 1960s American rock and roll. There's some Polish blues. Good golly, man, it's nice there. A wild bollywood, a wild bollywood, a wild bollywood,

fruity tootie, a whole new world. Fruity tootie. For the fact, a little Richard from Macon. What? A little Richard from Macon, the city I grew up in. Oh, wow. Look at that. You have any more Polish jokes for us?

Well, you know why Jesus wasn't born in France. Oh, God. Because they couldn't find three Wisemen or a virgin. Oh. Take that. Is it good? Is it interesting? How do you have so many hits on your music video?

I explained to us. Are you popular in Poland? Like, were you on some show? How does that happen? We signed with the label, but we got to support Ed Sheeran. Oh, cool. Yeah, because, like, for the story, we used to live in the UK, and we were his housemates for a bit.

Wow. Flap me. So, like, he took us under his wing and, like, made us play in France and stuff. When your legs don't work like they used to before. That's great. You know Ed Sheeran's songs? And they can't.

You can't show people off for you. I know a little bit of it. When your legs don't work like they used to. Is this a song about diabetes? Yeah. Or a paralyzed person. I love it. Well, Ellie, thank you so much for joining us.

The band is Be My. Check them out on Vivo or YouTube or whatever. Everywhere available. Thank you, guys. And happy birthday, Tony. Thank you, Ellie. Fuck yeah. Thank you.

We'll see you soon. Bye-bye, my babies. Ellie, we're a sin. Oh, my God. And you've got me wanting you. Here we go. We know this young man. He's been on the show numerous times

in the main room of the comedy store. Here is Mario Tanti. Everyone. Mario. OK, OK, OK. OK, here we go. Mario Tanti, everybody. A little bit about me.

My name is Mario, and I'm circumcised. But the older I get, the more I wonder if I would have turned out differently if I had my foreskin and the other name my parents were going to pick for me. Because I'm Italian, they pick two names. Like, Sergio with foreskin sounds hot, you know? My ex-girlfriend, she has a tattoo. It says, be nice, but she was a fucking bitch.

I'm not going to give you an origin story on why she was a fucking bitch, but it rhymes with she was sucking her ex-boyfriend's dick behind my back. I hooked up with a squirter recently. Don't clap. That's just a cooler way of saying a girl pissed in my bed recently. I hate when white people compare basic stuff

to being like heroin. I've done heroin before, and it's nothing like a pumpkin spice latte. Some of the people I used to do heroin with, they used to mix it with spit or even toilet water to shoot up. I used to use Fiji water because I'm not a piece of shit. All right. Absolutely.

My boy, his birthday. Absolutely. I really, OK. Mario Tanti, hello, how are you? Hello, good. How are you guys? Great. Good to have you on this show.

Thanks. I'm going to go ahead and get my hands on this. I'm going to get my hands on this. I'm going to get my hands on this. I'm going to get my hands on this. I'm going to get my hands on this. Thanks. So let's just jump right into it.

You've been on the show a few times. Yeah. This is my fourth time. Awesome. And you're no longer with your girlfriend? No. She's with someone else right now. Oh, wow.

That was, I mean, you guys were both on at the same time before, correct? Wait, what was that? Sorry. Do I have you confused with someone else? Didn't she do stand-up as well? No, no, she didn't do stand-up. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Bro, I knew she was going to leave you. You got a fucking lamb chops puppet. Hey, man, that's classic shit, dude. How long were you with her for? She's actually, I don't know if I want to say it. Oh, fuck it. She's actually the girl that's with William.

What? No. No. He got you. In the show right now. Oh, my God. Oh, my head is about to explode. Wow.

Are you fucking serious? Wow. Yeah, I'm serious. This is amazing. Here's how I realized it. OK, so when we kind of stopped talking, she had some acid. And then a couple months later, maybe like a month later, William was on doing his set.

And then in his interview, he said, I still remember it. He said, acid, grandparents' house and recita. And I'm like, that's fucking her, dude. Oh, God. Oh, my God. So you put it together? Jesus. So you put it together?

Yeah. Worth it. Yeah. God. That's what it's come to. It was worth it. Got him to laugh, so it was worth it. And then a couple of months later, you guys called her on the show,

and it was her voice. And I was like, oh, that's her. So you literally put it together? No, I love it. I love it. Stick with me. Stick with me. So you put this together from watching a William Montgomery

set, like you did the math in your head? OK, so I found out about the show from coming with her back then. So I never stopped coming to the show. Like, I've been there every fucking Monday for years. Yeah, no, I remember. I just put it together because I'm not retarded, you know? Damn. Wow.

This is incredible. Is that the biggest bomb ever dropped on kill Tony? Tony. That's one of the good ones. Well, you have to be happy. That's just like how they describe you. One of the good ones. All right.

I mean, you have to be happy that you got rid of her, at least a little bit, because from what we've been hearing, you know, she's beating up him. She's terrible. Yeah. My goodness gracious. She actually does have a tattoo that says be nice, and she's like the worst person.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, every week we see William, he has a new bruise somewhere. Yeah, William's been beat up from the feet up. But yeah, I was hoping to say that in the main room, but I didn't get never got picked. Bro, you would have exploded the comedies. This is great.

Yeah, nice shit. Blue Gary Mustache. You blew Gary's mustache right off. Wow. Wow. I would have just hoped black people were in there so they could start running around. Oh, I know.

I know. You know they would have. If the band runs around during a quarantine episode, the Apollo 13 would have been in the belly room. Like what? Like that. Like that gift where the guy laps out of the screen and then it keeps looping back.

Yeah. Yeah, bro. They would have been on La Cienigo. So let me ask you this. So when you confronted her, how did that go down? About what? This? So you watched the Williams set.

You saw it. I never did confront her. We stopped talking. Oh, OK. Well, she got the message down, bro. I guess she knows now. Yes. Hell, yes, she does.

Did you say that she hit you as well? We got in a fight once because I was looking through her phone because she was being shady and she slapped me. Wow. Jesus. All right, man. Did she push your shit down the shower with her foot? That's what you sound like.

No. All right. That's awesome. My goodness. But how's your love life been since then? You had a girl pee in your bed recently? That was recently as in comedy words. That was a long time ago.

A couple years ago. Wait. Was it the girl? Because she peed herself once. No. Different girl. Different girl. Different girl.

Yeah. Yeah. My goodness. So Mario, what have you been doing through this quarantine? How you been holding up? It's bored as fuck. I've pretty much just haven't been going out. Yeah.

Did you loot anywhere last Saturday? Did you go looting at all? No. I'm not cool enough to loot. No. Has this been a break from your normal work? Because I know you work a lot. Oh, yeah.

I got laid off. I've been unemployed collecting that sweet unemployment money. More money than I've been when I'm working. That's what everybody's saying. That's what all the extreme liberals have been saying. Making more money than they were before. So why would they ever get back to work? Such a liberal mindset thing.

They absolutely love it. I don't want to go back to work and be broke again. Right. Absolutely. Just take the government's money. It's all fine. What would that ever cost anybody? Anyway.

I feel bad. What do you feel bad about? I feel bad for this guy. Imagine your girlfriend leaving you. This is the girl, this girl is personifying the movie it follows. Yeah. We all have crazy exes. It's better to get rid of it and get through it.

And those girls are also, some of them are some of the most fun in the bedroom. You know what I mean? They all have their pluses and minuses. You know what I mean? I was thinking the other day about how badly I'm looking forward to getting an actual massage. And every time I go to my massage place, I always go. And I'm always to the front desk lady. I don't want to do an impression, but she's so Asian.

Do it. Do it. We're at a barbecue. No, I can't do it. But my point is, as I always go, give me the strongest, heaviest. You can't hurt me. You can't hurt me. Whatever you do, you can't hurt me.

And sometimes they'll give me one of the ones that, if none of those are available, it'll be some beautiful Asian girl. And it's just pointless. That's where the hand job is. Yeah, but no, this is a legit place. I actually go for the massage. When her massage is going to open up back. That's what I need.

Tony, that's crazy because I swear I always ask for the smallest girl that can walk on my back. Really? Yep. We're opposites. I would let you walk on my back. You should try roughing. Is that what it's called? Oh, I heard that's painful.

It's super painful, but he might like it. Like with the bars? Where they use like a pipe or something? No, they just get really into the muscle. That's basically what I'm already getting. If they're using any part of their body, that's what I get. It's crazy what goes on up here. Would you do cupping, Tony?

I want to do cupping. I don't really think that that would really... I should try it just to see what it's like, but... I want to try it. I don't know. I got a question. You're a chef. Have you been making any kind of crazy shit during this quarantine?

You've probably been cooking for yourself. I'm a bit of a chef. Yeah, so I'm cooking for myself. I'd rather fucking blow my brains out than make food anymore. I'm always worried about you when I see you because I know your job's super stressful. I haven't been working, so I got a break from that bullshit. So what have you been eating? If you're not cooking for yourself, what have you been eating?

I cook, but it's just simple shit. I eat a lot of Trader Joe's frozen food. You could always use the promo code killtony over at postmates.com and get $103 for your first month of delivery. Basically, just free $100 for a month if you haven't signed up for postmates yet. All right. Well, that's... I think David wants to ask him something. Yeah, go ahead, David.

Hey, bro. What's up? I want to try to set up you to get on Brothers and Cursive. I need... That sounds good. This sounds like a great idea. DM me or Red Band? Yes.

All right, I'll do that. We need William to have a sobering experience for once during this course. That's the best episode. Yes. We're like Eskimo Brothers. Yes, for sure. That shit blew by my dog. I'm still trying to...

Me too. Heck, yeah. Well, that's not the only thing that was blown by his ex-girlfriend. All right, Mario. Thank you so much for calling in super compelling. Thank you for all that information, dude. That was so fun. Thank you.

Mario Tanti, everybody. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at Mario Tanti. Follow one word, Mario Tanti. Mario Tanti. That's a great... He's a great guy. Kill Tony. I see him every Monday when we're at the comedy store during our normal lives.

All right, let's keep it moving along. Your next submission goes by the name of Alan. Here comes Alan. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. Here is Alan, everybody. I am using the number one live podcast in America to expose my abuser. I am being sexually abused by someone from Tiger King.

My therapist told me not to say his name, so I'll describe him instead. He's not even hot. He's missing a lot of his teeth. Just doesn't lower it down. He recently had to move to Florida. And I'll tell you what, if it wasn't for him being locked up, he's definitely capable of killing people. And also his name rhymes with blow. His signature abuse isn't even original.

He, Louis, he caves me every day. Now I'm not going to lie. That shit's kind of funny. But yesterday he crossed the line. He made me eat his poop. Get out of here. He just slugged it straight down my throat. And I had to swallow it.

And if you don't believe me, this morning I took a shit and it had corn kernels in it. And I haven't eaten corn in three months. My abuser, he's not the only one doing this. There's a whole ring of them. These zealous celebrities with one or two things on their IMDb's that are literally swinging their dicks and their shit around. Did you hear that meow, Mr. Tiger King? You know what that means. Your time is up, Hollywood chimpanzees.

And it starts with you, Beau. Wow. Baby back ribs. I want my chilies, baby. Baby back ribs. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. Hi, Ellen.

How are you? Hey, I'm really good. How are you guys? Good. Good. That was an interesting submission. If that was my dog, I would say I want my baby back. Whoa.

Also, you said the number one podcast in America. It's actually the world. That's true. I know. But I'll tell you what. I kept that submission. It wasn't my best video take or whatever because my cat came in at the perfect timing. And I thought it was too funny to restart.

So I just sent that one. That's what I was going to say. And my band went down. He didn't do the meow at one minute. So I messed up my punchline. I was blown away by what you were talking about. Yeah. It was very, that is right up Red Band's alley, pooping in a mouth.

And it's interesting. It's interesting. This happened this week. I had corn twice this week. And I never saw it again. Like for the first time in my life, I never, where'd it go? Wow. And somebody said it's like these new genetically modified corns.

They actually digest better or something. Mmm. Mmm. I think your body has been so starved for vegetables for a long time that it's holding onto that corn for all the winter. I think Red Band ate candy corn. That's what happened. Candy corn.

He hit a CD from the Band corn. Oh my goodness. This chick looks like a cigarette fairy. Cigarette fairy. Like, should replenish your cigarettes while you sleep? What? I love it. Like a tooth fairy.

So. Toothless fairy. Allen, what part of Eastern Washington do you live in? Even better. I live in Florida. Oh. A lot of Florida people. Yeah.

A lot of Florida people. They have the internet there. Was she in Sarasota? Yeah, fairly. Tampa. Yeah, I really do. I live in central Florida called Wachula and I really do take care of the two chimpanzees. They read the very end of the documentary.

I actually took the video that came from Joe Exotic. The ones where they're like the hands and they close up at their hands and it's really sad. They hug. You have those? It is really sad. They did hug. I took that video.

Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. All right. So how much of what you talked about is real during that set? It's 100% true. So the only thing that's not true is that when he threw shit in my mouth, it didn't happen recently.

It was before COVID. So unfortunately, because we weren't wearing masks yet and chimpanzees get really weird and like mad for their like, it's basically like kids and they're terrible twos that are just like psychotic and angry all the time and basically just got really, he got really mad at me and he shit in his hand and threw it when I was talking to my intern and my mouth was wide open and it hit like it literally, it literally hit the back of my throat. Wow. And I had this all of it.

That is absolutely incredible. How long have you been taking care of animals for? Animals like four years, but I've been at this chimpanzee sanctuary for two. Oh. What it tastes like. Shit. There you go. Let's go back now to us.

I mean, it tastes like it smelled. I don't know how else to describe it. And I just like poured Dawn soap in my mouth. I mean, that's like the only thing that's not in our manual, what to do for chimpanzees. And I just poured Dawn soap in my mouth and just like spit for like an hour. You're a beautiful girl. Did any of these chimps ever, any of these chimps ever try anything sexual on you? They do.

Yeah. That part is true too. So, and that's, it's only really, we have a lot of the chimpanzees that were rescued from like the entertainment industry or like once they're like seven years old, you can't use them anymore. You have to put them basically in a cage or they'll kill you. And these guys are like, oh, and they're 30s, 40s. And a lot of them, it's like right when you get there in the morning, they, it's only

the ones that were in movies. I don't know why. And they all have different ways of masturbating. And the one that's actually, I talked about, he'll spit on his dick, like spit and it'll hit his dick. And then he'll make hard eye contact with you and like jack it like a person. That's the Weinstein chip. You should post those videos.

Why after seven will they kill you? They're so strong because they're at that point, they're fully grown and it's kind of like they've hit adolescence and they're just, I don't know if you know anything about chimps, but they're, they're not nice. They're just kind of violent by nature. That's how they kind of sort out all of their things within like, you know, their groups and yeah, I'm sure you've heard stuff in the news about like that shit that ripped that lady's face off and Joe Rogan talks about it all the time.

And yeah, chimps are crazy. I heard Michael Jackson's chimp was crazy. Yeah. I mean, imagine, imagine if normal chimps are crazy, what Michael Jackson, wait, what you say? To look at. You got Michael Jackson's chimp. We have the original bubbles.

We do. That's no lie. I had a question. If we're ever in your area, can the Kill Tony squad come, come take a tour? Will you take us on a tour of your chimp place? 100%. You guys are coming to Miami, Florida, I think. And I would love to give you a core.

How far are you from Miami? It's like two and a half hours, but it's a quick drive. I'll walk there. I'll see you next week. Maybe you, maybe you could, maybe you could just bring the, the, bring the chimps to the show. She's missing an arm and leg. Bubbles gotta be old by now.

He can't fucking nobody. Well, I'll write bubbles a minute to do. So do you know Carol Baskin? Do you know her? I don't know. Um, no, nobody at my sanctuary, even the founder knows her personally. So yeah, she deals with big cats. So it's kind of that documentary made all animal people look crazy.

And there are, I promise you, like normal people that work with the animals. Um, but yeah, now she's kind of big cat world separate. Everybody says that everybody's crazy though. Everybody was throwing each other under the bus throughout that entire documentary. I guess my question's this, how many, uh, how many animals have you killed? Um, honestly, one on accident, but yeah. How did that happen? How did the accident happen?

Uh, I don't know if you guys saw my accident. Gary says it was a bow accident with a bow and arrow. Were you pointing a bow and arrow at them? No. Oh, okay. How did it happen? Um, I have pet sugar gliders, which you should not have as pets, but they were kind of like donated to me when I worked at Columbus Zoo. I'm from Columbus.

You're from Columbus Zoo? So you know Jack? Yeah. I worked in his department. That was my very first job was like working with the animals that he takes on. Um, he took on like late night shows and I would do shows with them on grounds at the Columbus Zoo. I used to do the zoo camp there growing up every year where you would stay there. Oh, that's really cool.

All right. What's a sugar glider? What is that? It's a little cute little squirrel. A sugar glider. Guys. He's not awake. I still have one, but I had three.

And anyway, long story short, one that got out of its cage and I probably could have prevented it. And my cat that was in my minute video killed it. Oh, so you didn't kill it. You didn't. Oh, your cat killed it. And it was negligent. Considering I worked to protect animals, it was negligent. So, yeah.

Well, it was good for your cat. Extra treat for your cat. Great enrichment. What a fun toy. God, that would have been sad. Those things are so cute. I wish you could show us yours right now. They're the most adorable.

He's asleep. I mean, I can try. He'll poke his head out. Yeah. Let's try it. Let's wake it up. Play it some Polish guitar music to wake it up. We have sugar syrup.

Oh, he's awake. Oh, look. Oh, my God. Wow. Baby. Baby. Oh, my goodness. Look at that thing.

Their eyes are so pretty. Look at that. It's like a- This camera's awkward. Hold on. It's like a chinchilla's fucked a squirrel. It can fly. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. Yeah, they can fly. It glays over the fact that Ryan said he was doing cams as a child. What? He said it's a zoo cam. He said he was- Cam. Oh, never mind.

A zoo cam. Something is doing now. Wow. Yeah. It's something that kids can do. I honestly didn't know it's been around that long. I thought it was a newer thing. But that's all.

Oh, no. I used to do that. And Jack Hanna used to actually be the one that would come out and talk to us before we went to bed because we slept there for some reason. Columbus had a bunch of great things. Remember, Coastside? Did you ever go to Coastside? Yeah.

The science- Coastside's still open, I think. Remember, they had the old train in the back where the trolley where you could sit in? We would take screwdrivers when we would go there for school and would go in the trolley and undo the windows and then climb out and go to the city center, the shopping center, hang out at the shopping center all day. Jesus. What a rebellious child you were.

My God. Little children sneaking out of a trolley to go to the local mall. Children of the porn over here. Yeah. Telling you. All right. Well, Ellen, so much fun. I mean, great stuff.

I honestly thought that everything you were saying was a lie. I'm like, oh, this is weird that she's making all of this up about Joe Exotic. It's sort of like, it's been too long to even make stuff up. So in retrospect, I'm amazed that your incredible story. And I think in the future, we definitely should maybe schedule a show near you because I think that would be worth it. Yeah. When we go from Miami to what's, what are you on the way to Tampa or something?

It's in the middle of nowhere, but honestly, we're like an hour and a half from Orlando and we're also an hour and a half from Tampa. Which direction? South of Orlando? Oh God. Southwest. So technically, if we did Miami, oh, Southwest. Yeah.

You're not really, are you on the way in between anything? No. Unfortunately not. That West part. It's worth it though, I promise. Yeah. I'm sure it would be worth it. Absolutely.

Get us around some, some good old monkeys. Red band will sleep in again and they'll get us. Watch them all. Watch them all. He'll get stuck in the trolley when he just... Oh, do we really have to go there? I don't know. If we get to the block, I want to take a nap before the show.

I'm just going to watch Planet of the Apes and get Postmates. Oh, we have both of them. We have both of the champions that were in Planet of the Apes. Red band. All right, Ellen, thank you so much. So interesting. We'll see you again soon. Ellen, everybody.

All right, bye-bye. She's on Instagram at chimpbisca. C-H-I-M-P-E-I-Z-K-I-T. We know your next comedian. Baby back room. He's been on the show a couple of times. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it. Here's Kyle Gridley.

Kyle Gridley. Here's some music. Here's Kyle Gridley. All right. Okay, I can do this. This is really... All right. Okay, this is so hard.

I did not... What's my medium? Look at it. All right, shit. All right, I'm just going to say it. For the last three years, I've been living in the back of my 1982 El Camino. It was really fun. It was really cool till recently.

Okay, gosh, you know, fucking... Yeah, close a couple of gyms. You really fucked up a guy's life, huh? Geez, I was doing it. I was fucking working at four in the morning and doing stand-up at night. I fucking felt like I was accomplishing shit. And now I feel homeless, which I guess I was the whole time. I just honestly...

I just... I thought I was getting away with it. I thought I... Geez, I don't know, man. I don't know. What's it like to be, you know, working basically two jobs, living your car, and then every business you use to survive closing all at once? What's that like?

I don't... That is interesting for sure. Kyle Gridley. Wow. Wow, hi. Hi, hi, guys. SOTY, man. Fuck, Red caution.

He's gonna甘 for my niggas. Down or my niggas. Uh, hello, Kyle? How are you? Uh. Good to see you again. Great! So great!

Alright, relax, relax. Oh, great. This guy's always, this guy's always amped up. I didn't even think about the gym thing. That must have affected a lot of people, like Malcolm and stuff like that. It probably had to move. I think Malcolm's in the house. I mean, imagine not only that, but when everything first shut down,

you couldn't even probably get anywhere to shower or brush your teeth at all. No, yeah. I mean, you know, I've been living in Southern California for a long time. I have a lot of friends, but, you know, I've been essentially working still next to Los Angeles International Airport. And it was real hard to get a guy to, you know, show up and come and hang out with a guy who's been working in the fucking hotspot of, you know. Yeah.

What type of essential work have you been doing? I am a janitor, if you remember. I work at In-N-Out Burger. They're a great company. They're an amazing company. And if I don't say that, it's been a legal power game. Yep. One of the reasons why I was extremely offended at that fast food thing that came out

that said Denny's was number one in California. I mean, like, everyone knows it's In-N-Out. In-N-Out all the way. These crazy people out here trying to talk shit about In-N-Out when they want to get their comments up on their social media posts or whatever. It's ridiculous. The only one they got right was Texas and Water Burger. Yeah.

And that's all they had to do to get us upset is like get a couple of the states, right? Yeah. Called the California Denny's in Ohio. If you don't, I will die. What? Just keep eating there every day. It pays my checks. And that's great.

In-N-Out's going just fine, my friend. I promise you that. I got a question though. Why three years homeless? That seems like a lot of times. I mean, I thought I was doing it. You know, man, I'd fucking work at four in the morning, all right? I'd get out at like 12.30.

I'd fucking go to the gym, shower up, spend an hour or two in LA traffic. You know, post up, fucking write something, edit a video, anything. And then I would just do stand-up for the rest of it. It felt like I was always out doing something. I felt like I was, you know, working hard or something. You are. And now it's just... You are.

That's what it takes. Yeah. That's what it takes. It takes a lot of stuff and get a bunch of lucky breaks. And this is all part of your story, you know? It's going to be part of the book. It'll be part of your history, either that or you're going to end up failing, but you'll still have a good story about it.

You know what I mean? So it goes both ways. Great eulogy. Man, yeah, it is wild. And I did think about a lot of the comedians when this happened. It is completely wild times to be living the dream, surviving out of your car. But where are you originally from, Kyle? I was born in Orange.

I grew up in the Inland Empire, San Bernardino, California, in 2008, highest murder per capita in the nation. It's fun. Yeah. But then I've been in Orange County for five years and now I work in Westchester, you know? That's the airport. Right.

My parents are still in the Inland Empire. Oh, my mom lives in Mexico and my dad is somewhere, who knows? Okay. I'm not finding out. Our producers are telling us he's on the line. Yeah. Oh, right. Awesome.

You want to call my dad again? Your father's just like your job in and out. That's perfect. It's great. How old were you when he took off? He didn't take off. He beat me and then I told my mom and then the divorce started happening and it was all very quick.

Oh, God. So not only did you take the beating, but ever since then you've had the inevitable guilt of breaking your parents up. Am I correct? Well, it's all my fault. I don't care what you said. I don't care. Yeah, you're wrong.

I don't. You know what? Can I say it? Can I just say it? Yeah. When I was a kid, I was beaten by my dad and I am upset about it. It bothers me. It happened.

I have lingering emotional issues. It's funny. I could talk about it all day, but, you know, geez. Yeah, think about talking to him again and what? Like, gas lit by this guy, the lawyer. I mean, at best, what? He's 77. I'd have to take care of an old dying man, right?

That's right. He's a wildly successful lawyer. That is correct. Now I remember. Let's check in with Dwayne Wilcox. Yeah, I can't tell if it's the camera angle or not, but it looks like you have a permanent deep fake filter on your face. Something's wrong.

I'm terrified, but also I want acceptance. I can't even see them on the phone. Well, then you have to decide if you'd rather be gas lit or street lit. You want to see the car? I'm actually, I found the producer. Happy birthday. Oh, okay. Oh, it's Tony's birthday.

Happy birthday. Very good. Wow, Kyle. I actually, I'm at my friend's shop right now. It's a, I was told to get a stable internet connection in my 1982 El Camino does not have that. So I'm at a, it's crazy. I've actually had a silver smithing shop.

I can show you the whole thing. It's kind of a lot. Let's do it. Let's do it. Absolutely. The guy, he works on metal. He works on metal. You had stable connection.

He went to an actual stable. He went to an actual stable. It's an old tin can in Costa Mesa, California. He's, his name is, his, the guy who runs his name is Sam cuts. He used to do comedy in the 80s and 90s, but had to quit because of his crack whore wife. And he's been hanging out in Orange County since then. Sam what? What's his last name?

Sam what? Sam cut. Sam cut. Sam cut. Sam cut. Sam cut. Sam what? Sam cut.

Sam cuts. How do you spell that? K-U-T-V. Yeah. I remember this guy. He's like an older guy. Silver hair, right? Ah, he's got, it's black-ish.

You know, he's not a bit of a show. He, he lost his courage a long time ago. I don't, it's fun. We hang out. I make fun of him for being old. We smoke pot. I think his name's on the wall. It's a good sign.

Oh, okay. I remember seeing that. My car, my car is outside. Look, man, that's great. My car is outside. It's good to have, it's good to have older types of, of people that have been in the business a long time to look up to and to hear stories about and to let you know things are going to get through it.

You know, a very, very crazy thing that, that happened when I first started was it was actually, you know, like I've talked about, I think on this show, right at next, your very Starbucks, right where you are every day, is where I met, you know, you know, you know, you know, where I met Shia LaBeouf's father, Jeff LaBeouf, and I ended up making friends with him. And he gave me some great advice because my big plan was to start at the open mics around Burbank and then work my way into the store like so many people do. And he actually was the final decider for me. He goes, you know, just start at the store, sink or swim.

Don't waste your time or else you'll even be even more in your head by the time you get there. Just start there. And it was a great piece of advice. And, and him and I were really close for, for quite a while. And it's crazy. I actually watched Honey Boy for the first time this past week. And boy was that surreal because that's a movie all about him and all of the things about

him were exactly spot on all stuff that I had to deal with. I realized from watching that movie that he was definitely mentoring me in a way to sort of, you know, just do what he sort of did with Shia. He felt like he was good at that type of thing. And what's my point is, oh, that someone like Sam there, while he may not have been wildly successful in his own art, could be someone that helps you survive. And also a fatherlike figure that people with damaged childhood. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, he's a guy, you know, he's a fun guy. You know, I did a little, you know, I bought a camera a while ago and I filmed a little podcast. I showed us some, you know, all the old shit he has. He paints a lot. This one's rad. You could see it. This one is.

It's like he did it on sheet metal. The sheet metal. It's a metal sheet. No, that's cool. That is super cool. Yeah. He's a guy. He's hanging out.

He writes. He writes with me. It's dope. I love it. That's beautiful. That's what it's all about, man, especially. You guys want to see the car? It's right out the door.

You guys want to see the car? Sure. I'm here. I'm here, you know, often enough. It's an orange county, but I still have to go to work all the time. I don't have so much energy for a guy with a fat head. Are you sure your dad only beat you? He never did any sex stuff, right?

Well, I, you know, he's a weird. He was weird. He used to get naked and do jumping. Yeah. In front of the house. Show us the El Camino, Kyle. Yeah. I'm a real molested personality, right?

I don't know what it is. I don't. Yeah. It's just a personality of I have a molestation. It's good. It's good. Can you see it? It's rad.

I've had it for 10 years. That is pretty sweet. I'm really fine rolling up and being cool and people stare at me and I smoke joints and drive and I write while driving on the phone. Honestly, I'm pretty disappointed in the cops for not catching me at this point. Jeez. I know.

Real bad guys. Did you hear that? David Lucas is willing to buy your own. Thank you for. Yeah. But no, I'm going to keep it forever. It's important to me. And I want to thank David.

He offered to give me free shoes one time because I looked stupid. Yeah, bro. I still got you. Whenever you want these shoes, bro, I just gave away 40 pair of shoes like two weeks ago. Heck yeah. David lost a lot of weight in his feet during the quarantine. I had to use these motherfuckers.

You look you look great. I saw you at the fucking the little the parking lot and up show. We're doing. Yeah. First, Kyle, thank you so much. An incredible story of someone surviving during these crazy times, barely on anything, but momentum and love for the game. And we love that.

We'll see at the comedy store soon. Shouldn't be long now. Kyle. Great. Everybody. It's that time, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to roll right in. One of my favorite human beings in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Michael layer.

Everyone. Here we go. Hey, I'm here also to support a chair. Too much. Hey, someone say something. Is that the way? No, you're good, Michael. Everything's good.

How's it going? Good. I had some wonderful California. Hey, hey, will you tell anyone bubbles lick my asshole? He needs to fucking be held accountable. Wow. I did not know that. Yeah.

Anyway. David. Can I have some shoes? Hell, yeah. It don't matter the size, but I give them to you. Yeah. You mean heavy socks, y'all? All right.

Look, I wanted to talk to you. Well, ever since I got famous, I go to all these Hollywood and Corona fuck parties where we all get inoculated and we come our brains out, but no one would do drugs with me because they're worried that I'll die and they'll go to jail. So, I made a video. Do I take responsibility for all the drugs I want to do? So, Gage, roll the tape.

Hey, guys. Great party. Great party, guys. Hey, great party, guys. If anyone finds a big bag of cocaine, it's this. I'm taking all these antics. I'm belting. So, I need to lose something to take the edge off.

You hear that? Every time a bell rings, I get high on angel dust. My point is, if you don't want to fend them all at your party, put them in the invitation because I wouldn't have brought all this fend all to do with my sound. Yes, we'll learn how to make crayons. I'll give you a hand. You can stand, but you can't walk.

No one touched my crocodile. I cut it out of a crocodile. Crocodiles and crocodiles have nothing to do with each other. I just had it laying down in their crocodile ate it, so I told them I ain't the one. No one dragged my lifeless body in here. I came in this closet to do all the heroin because everyone at this party is a loser.

Loser. Loser. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Rain less party. Him laughing while the video was going on, but I still hear you laughing in the background.

That was great during the fendinal part. What? Yes, Red Band was talking about hearing you laughing. He loved it. Your laugh is more contiguous. I'm a very Jimmy family type breaker. This boy is stupid. Yeah, I'm the stupidest.

You know that, David. The stupid black people is a good thing. When they go, you're stupid. I don't know, dude. It's confusing. I love it, Michael. So much fun, crazy stuff happening all around the world. Yeah.

What's shaking in your world? Anything else you want to talk about? Oh, yeah, come here. Come here. Look who I fucking got back from William. He stole that from me. That motherfucker. William, keep it in your pants, you fucking freak.

I can't believe you ended up with her in the end. She has the be nice tattoo on her arms still and everything. Hell, yeah. Yeah, David said that's funny. I heard him. I love it, man. I fucking love it. So how's everything else?

How's the son doing? He's great. He's real hippie. I'll be like, hey, Colin, because I'm like playing, playing, playing, playing. And I'm like, when do you want to come back and all these moving parts? And he's like, well, let's just see, man. Let's see what happens. He's stoned up in Idaho.

Wyoming. Everyone does that. Literally, no one remembers the word Wyoming. They say Montana, Colorado, Iowa, never in Wyoming. It is weird. I feel like, yeah, I feel like that's the state that we get left out. If you had to, like, try to name them without thinking of it, Wyoming's a weird one. Yeah, I don't know anything about it.

Kanye was like 500 acres there. Who? Kanye, he bought a ranch. Oh, yeah, I did know that. We had to actually go to Wyoming. I went to college in Wyoming and I made a baby. And then I was a valedictorian. And they didn't make me an alumni of it.

Not yet. Not yet. We're not giving up on that. The topic is summer. Yeah, but not this year, but maybe next year you're the alumni of the year. You don't really want to be alumni of the year of 2020 anyway. It's the worst year ever. Yeah, I am.

But 2021 is not looking good for me either. What do you mean by that? Oh, I'm melting. No, no, you're not. No, I'm melting. You guys can't see. Guys, I didn't always talk like this. I used to be.

Oh, no, it happened. You froze up there. You scared us, Michael. We thought that was it. That was incredible. Hey, Joe Berg, when I die, take over my merchant. My merchant. Oh, I'd love to.

It's the one I got. It's my son's legacy. All I have to leave him is 22. Can you leave Joe your comedic timing instead of your permerge store? Let the man talk, Tony. What is the meaning of that? What? No, you're fine now.

It just froze one. What is the meaning of that? No, it's good now. It just froze once a little bit ago. It was perfect. If you watch the playback of it, you'll laugh. I know what is horrible. I know, but you'll see it on a clip.

Someone will clip it out. No, you'll see it. Yeah, you will. Someone's going to clip that out on social media. No. Yeah, huh? I won one. Yes, you will.

Yes, you will. I'm going to show it. I'm going to make sure you see it. I'm watching Epstein. I won't watch Kill Tony. Anyone else have this conspiracy theory that everything that's happening around us with race and the riots and all of it is so that people don't talk about the Epstein documentary that would basically destroy billionaires and their secret lives of crazy sex things?

I think they're saying, but not Epstein, but Tekashi six nine. Yeah. Yeah. Snitches are in this summer. Well, this is all a distraction so we could chill out. Yeah. Michael air. I love you more than anything in the world.

Anything else before we go? Guys. Absolutely. Oh, happy birthday. Thank you so much, Michael. Yeah. I'm the oldest. How old are you?

No, it's a man. What? How old are you? 41. Oh, yeah. You look great stud. Thank you. I'm melting though.

Yeah. I'm sorry to bring down the room, but I'm the one who's melting. So maybe you also get off your fucking high horse. No, you're doing great. Again, Michael, Michael, I've said this before. I'll say it again. I have you third on my kill Tony death poll. I won't say who's above you, but I have you in the three spot.

Which is. I got to know. Is it not obvious? Yeah, even I know. I want to know who's second. It's William, you idiot. I forgot about that guy. Oh God.

Red band and William are tied neck and neck. So much. So much for your name names. You could go to my bookie and probably bet on it. That's true. I do. You get paid. I bet all the money in my Ridge wallet at my bookie.

And I'm trust you. I'm not going to flush it down the my tushy. And you know what has a compartment for your Ridge wallet. She thought. That's true. She's right now all week. They just re-upped us again last week. I mean, she's underwear all the way around the entire crew.

Look at this. She's underwear. I'm going to vomit. She's underwear. I can't say beef on that. Everyone's got sheep. Everyone's got sheep. Yeah, we got enough sheep to last for the last days.

Yes, Michael Lair. Tony, tell me when I put in enough effort for free underwear. I'm going to get you a pair of sheath underwear. Not only that, but they have it so that they have it just like your, just like your Velcro Tommy Hilfiger shirt or whatever. What? Mine is? Yeah, they got it.

And then my Tommy Hilfiger. Whoa! And you're ripped, dude. What the fuck? That is incredible. You're in great shape, Michael. You're in great shape. You know what?

You just moved a fourth on the death hole. Can I see my wife? David Lucas is over there shaking his head and laughing. Michael, what? May I make a comment on that? Absolutely. A lot of people pardon me.

A lot of people talk about what a good shame I'm in. That's part of the disease you fucking morons. Yeah, he doesn't eat. Right, he's on a lot of medicine. Man, am I misfiring? No, no, no, it's just really, that's just really sad. That's a really sad punchline that time. I was actually watching a video.

I don't know if your getter done is ever going to be in the disease you morons. I actually watched an old video of Michael the other day and he had a little pot belly back in the day. Oh, yeah, buddy. I used to love beer and food. That ALS is working for you. That's going to be the new LA diet.

No doubt, more than no more on disease in the house. Catch it at the grove. We'll see you there for sure. Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen, we love you so much, Michael. We'll see you next week. Hey, we did it on the right thing. That was incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night

goes by the name of Tyler Baggins. Here's Tyler Baggins. Hey, so you want to know the best part and the worst part? I haven't had 12 concussions. Well, the worst part is definitely the frequent fits of unbridled rage, but the best part is I can't even remember them. I can't trust these doctors, though. I went to one of these doctors who gave me one of these cat scans.

I don't know why he scanned my cat. I'm the one who hit my head, but he says all the bleeding and stuff, so whatever. Anyways, what I'm here for. You ever notice how this Epstein and this Weinstein and this Frankenstein all got a common denominator? Yeah, they're all vicious sexual monsters. Well, not sexual, but you get it.

A lot of these smart Alex they'll say, actually Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster. Oh, oh really? You're telling me this doctor went around all the cemeteries of digging up body parts, mimicking human life, spitting in the eye of God, and you're telling me he's not a monster? Also, where'd he find a guy with a rectangle head, huh?

Someone ought to scan his cat, eh, Fonz? Tyler, how are you, my man? I am fantastic. How are you, Tony? Great, are you in Madison, Milwaukee? Where is that Fonz statue? Oh, that's in Milwaukee. I live about, I actually, looking out my window,

I can chimesle, schmazzle, see where Laverne and Shirley made beer. Ooh. Is that still, that wasn't burned down? Not yet, hopefully within time. Have you ever tried Pepsi milk before? Yes. Pepsi milk, yeah, tastes like a,

it tastes like a root beer flow. Yeah. You know, whatever. I don't want to talk about Laverne and Shirley though. Can we not talk about Laverne and Shirley? I brought it up. Yeah, you're right. I was trying to connect with the Geico caveman.

I knew that was coming. Oh, there it is. Stop it. A boy that like, do love. There it is. Ludo's son. I remember Ludo from Popeye. He looks like,

Yeah, it looks like I'm going to go lift weights at the beach in 1922 or something. He looks like Portland Aquaman. Right. That boy got a silver rice lifeguard as a, life. Yeah, I said that. I love it.

So you're in Milwaukee? Yeah, I'm in Milwaukee now because, well, I used to live in Madison. You ever been there, Tony? Yes. You ever been to Madison? Multiple times. Okay.

Many times. One of the great comedy clubs in the country is there. It's got the comedy on state. Comedy on state, the little corner place there. I've also performed at, I believe it's the Pap's Theater. Is that in Milwaukee or Madison? That's in Milwaukee.

That's at Turner Hall. You've been to Turner Hall too. Yep, been to Turner Hall. We did kill Tony there. I've done the Pap's Theater there multiple times with other people. And I've done Madison's. What's the theater there that's amazing with the lights that go around it?

Who cares? I don't know. It's down the street from comedy on state. Not the state theater. The Baymore. The Orpheum. The Orpheum. That's what it is.

It's Orpheum. Yeah. Well, yeah, the Orpheum is the big one. No. You know what? I don't want to talk about comedy on state either because they got a soft band on me. They won't let me.

They won't let me in there. The Majestic. The Majestic. The Majestic. The Orpheum. Why are you banned to comedy on state? I'm banned to comedy on state because everyone thinks I'm crazy because I've had a lot of concussions and I've been on info wars

a bunch of times. Oh, sweet. And they're all politically correct. Like helicopters. I love it. But yeah, Alex Jones is only crazy if you don't listen to him for four hours a day, dude. Right.

I don't see what the problem is. If you listen to anybody for four hours a day, you're pretty much in. It's like, what came first? The chicken or the egg? I'm pretty sure you get addicted to anything. You listen to it for four hours a day. But I wasn't going to bring this up, but speaking of comedy on

state and since the guy earlier said he was Eskimo Brothers with William, Tony, Tony, I got news for you. Me and you, buddy. We're Eskimo Brothers too. Wow. That's very exciting. Okay. I got the dirt.

Okay. Is this a setup to a joke? No, but I just thought it was kind of weird that she told me that she fucked you right before we had sex. So. Okay. Who was this? What do you mean?

Who was this? Don't name names. Don't do that. I'm not going to name names. I wouldn't do that. Who was this? I'm sorry. Bob Foon.

I'm sorry. It's okay. No, it's fine. I've had sex with women before. The listeners of this show are going to be shocked to find this out. What? Go ahead, Jeremiah. I mean, Dwayne Wilcox.

Now, when she did tell you Tony's name, did that make you more like ready for action or did that like tame you down a little bit? Or like AIDS test the next morning. Well, I didn't. I didn't have to take a Bluetooth. That's for sure. Yeah. I like that.

All right. Well, that's fun. But I don't want to talk about that. No, I don't want to talk about that. He says he doesn't want to talk about anything. And then he's like, I love that. Bring that up. So how'd you get so many concussions?

Um, well, I guess it's just, um, uh, occupational hazard, I suppose. Cause when you've been a enhancement talent for the only R rated death match, independent wrestling promotion in Milwaukee for the last 12 years, you get a few bumps and bruises. Absolutely. That's, that's, that's what happens. Definitely. Uh, steel chairs and a lot of concussions.

Like steel chip. Yeah. Steel chairs, stop signs, barbed wire, baseball bats. I lit a guy a fire one time. You know, Wow. Incredible. And do you still do that?

Yeah. I just, uh, I just had a show on Friday. I see W Milwaukee. We were the last one to run a show before Corona virus started and we were the first one back and we're all sick now. So it's like, what's your like character name? What's your wrestler name? Well, I'm, uh, the hot topic, Tyler Baggins and I am, uh, DMT cult leader

from another dimension, dude. Oh, okay. What are some of the craziest conspiracy theories that you believe in that you think we would find shocking? Well, conspiracies, I like to call them, uh, right, you know, of course. There's three things that you can't call people that are, that are like that. You can't call conspiracy theorists, theorists. You can't call internet trolls, internet trolls, and you can't call hipsters,

hipsters. They all deny it. Well, you know, I don't think that we are, uh, And you can't call after 10 p.m. because you'll wake up their mom. Hey. Bert. Wow. Look at this.

Gage has brought up some of your wrestling. Oh, it's you. That's a dude. That's him. That's Tyler Baggins. The hot topics. That's going on. Going under the ring.

That's great. Great outfit. Oh boy. A trailer park wife. Yeah. You can get in the ring like one, dude. I've seen this character on midwestfreaks.com. Okay.

We're on conspiracy now. Oh, okay. You want to talk about like, uh, how the moon isn't even real, dude. Come on. Yes. Tell us, tell us, tell us how the moon isn't real. Explain to us. Cause I was watching in the other night.

Yeah. What are you looking for? The moon is faker. The moon is faker than pro wrestling. Okay. Because if space is, if space is nothingness, if space is nothingness, then, and the only thing between earth and the moon is space, then that means that there is nothing between the earth and the moon.

So therefore the moon is touching the earth. If it's real. So you don't believe in gravity. Because we all know them. What? You don't believe in gravity? Is that what you're saying? I'm a fucking pro wrestler.

Of course I believe in gravity, dude. I've been dumped on my head 12,000 times. Oh my goodness gracious. What about 5G? 5G? Well, okay. You want to know about 5G? I'm not, I'm not afraid of the radio waves, right?

I'm not afraid we're all going to get microwave to death and we're going to get brain cancer. What I'm afraid of with the 5G is the internet of things, the connectivity and the dependence on the global supply chain that we've seen fail time and time again throughout this coronavirus. The coronavirus proves that the internet of things and 5G technology interconnectedness is not the way we need to go. We need to localize and have local internet networks that are connected with communities that we like and that we are a part of and not some big global conglomerate fricking thing. Kind of like that.

Wow, yeah. Okay, so what do you mean the moon's touching the earth? You mean like this? If there's like Truman Show style? If there's only empty space. I mean, I think it's like, it's right there. Like it's a light in the sky. That's what it says in here, dude.

See that's right here. That's what it says in here, dude. It's a lesser light, dude. It's one of the luminaries in the sky. Don't you believe in astrology, dude? Wow. Man, you're an entertaining guy. I like your style.

Tyler, how old are you? You know what? I'm 30 years old. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Looking good. Looking good. You don't look a day over 53.

Yeah, yeah, 53. Shut up. No, that's awesome. What else? I'm interested in this. Give me one more good theory of yours. The moon is a light in the sky according to the Bible. I remember reading that.

I believe it was Corinthian's 1427 that said the moon is a light in the sky. Was it Jeremiah? Yeah. I'm looking at you. You're quoting a thin Lizzie lyric right now. You have any other good things that we might find a little bit outside of the mainstream information? I'm trying to think one that won't get me put on a list. Let me think.

Yeah, don't get our YouTube flagged. That reminds me, while they're thinking everybody's subscribed. I got one for you. This is my all time favorite conspiracy right here. Okay. Yes. Indigo is not a color. Okay.

I don't care what you say. Indigo is not a color. It was put there by Isaac Newton because he was the one who refracted light through a prism. And he's the one who split up the light spectrum in his seven different colors. Even though Indigo only takes up 40 nanometers of the light spectrum, all the other colors take up more. Isaac Newton happened to hold stock in the East India trade company which took Indigo die and shipped it all over the place. So he put Indigo in the color spectrum as a branding tool to sell Indigo die all around the world. Indigo is not a color.

I'll prove it to you right now. Can you describe the color Indigo for me, Tony? Yeah. It's like violet, but it's also sort of just a light blue. It's light blue and dark violet sort of, right? And it was a first known use of Indigo as a color in 1289. So it kind of dates your conspiracy there. No, Indigo is the name of the plant.

Indigo is the name of the plant. And it had a purplish color. So they decided to brand it as a color and put that hue of violet in there. Okay. I'm going to prove it. Okay. Now you describe the color Indigo. Why don't you describe the color yellow?

Okay. Yellow is, I would say that yellow. Just fucking yellow. It's just fucking yellow. You can't describe it with other colors. That's how you know Indigo is not a color. I don't even know what the fuck you said. Well, I mean, I could say that it's like an extremely light.

It's like a violet blue. It's light orange. What? Light orange? That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard, Tony. That's the dumbest shit you've ever heard. Describe the color black. Yeah, describe the color black.

David Lucas wants to hear you describe the color black. Yeah. What does it sound like? Shit, man, I don't know. Oh no, oh no, oh no. And this is why people don't like that. No, no, no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What did I do? Uh-oh. Black Lives Matter. Oh shit. You have our attention. Now you have... He tells us to describe a primary color. Yellow.

I ain't never heard those shit like that in my life. I love it. I like this guy. Exactly. It's not even in a box of crayons, dude. Unless you get 64. So it is. Tyler, you're a funny guy, dude.

Just because your crayons box you the big crayon box doesn't mean I got to believe in it. You know what I'm going to do? Since I like you so much, I find you so entertaining and I think that you'll make the best of it. I'm actually friends with the family that owns comedy on state and I'm going to put in a good word for you

when things open back up. You think those bridges are unburnable? Well, I usually use a nuclear device to blow up my bridges, so I hope so. But I'm open. Hopefully I don't burn my bridges with him by vouching for you. But I'm going to try it anyway.

I'm going to say Tyler Baggins is healthier than he was before. He's had some brain injuries and he respects the place, right? Yeah, of course I respect the place. There you go. Then that's what I'll do. The best venue in town. It's the best open mic in the country.

300 people every week. It's a great place. It's just a perfectly built comedy club is what it is. Their comedy stage is in the corner facing outward instead of the middle. So instead of having to turn 180 degrees each time to see or 40, what would that be? For 90 degrees each time to see the people

and have 180s behind you sometimes, you can't fuck it up because you're in the corner. It's how most comedy clubs should be built. The improv in West Palm Beach improv is in the corner. One of the few comedy clubs with a corner stage. Hilarities in Cleveland. Very good. All right, Tyler Baggins.

Thank you so much. Very, very entertaining, ladies and gentlemen. That's our show. Thank you guys. Catch them on YouTube. YouTube.com backslash Tyler Baggins. And that is tonight's episode. Don't forget, subscribe to our show on YouTube

and Spotify and let's check in with our drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. Hey, you've been flame smoked. Kill Tony, big juicy wieners. We got that on the camp. Just like David Lucas. I'm not seeing it over there. Try our takeout over at Kill Tony.

That is a beautiful... I actually have been smoking some wieners lately in my new Traeger... I'm sure you have. I have a new Traeger grill. I got some elk sausages and go over to the farmer's market, get some stuff. Looks like a bunch of Louis J. Gomez's.

Yeah. There they are. Definitely the band. You even have a... What's that called again? The animal on the hot dog? The cat. It's a...

Oh, it's just a cat. Oh, I thought it was one of those... Sugar glider. Yeah, sugar glider. Yeah. You got David Lucas, Michael Lair and William Montgomery there. Wieners on the bottom.

That is just absolutely incredible. Ryan J. An amazing artist. All of his works available at RyanJBelt.com. You can support a real life artist. Not a lot of people know this, but his online store was looted last week, so he could really use your support.

He's the only online store that got looted. Speaking of looting, shout out to the great David Lucas for joining us here tonight. I appreciate you all for having me. It's always fun to hear. David is hilarious. Every night on Instagram Live,

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