KILL TONY - KT #459 – QUARANTINED #14

Episode Date: June 18, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/15/2020 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Visit BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE when use our special promo code [killtony] — Just pay $5 shipping.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website desksquad.tv, there you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions to the shows. You can also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of news shows being rescheduled every day so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st, then we have Skankfest Houston, it's been moved to September 25th through the 26th, then we have Kill Tony Mania, it returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th, San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania

16th, 17th and 18th, and then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to desksquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com, that's the official website of Tony HinchCliff and he has tour dates and he has merch there, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he drew the book, he has some posters and he has a huge sale going on right now, so go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe and you also have the Kill Tony shirt there, go to ShopSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band, come to you live from Betterbox Studios for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, here's Tony HinchCliff, let's go right to the sponsors. Now sex, great sex, everybody loves it, no matter what you're into, no matter what gets your rocks off, everybody loves having a nice frickin' rock solid meat stick and delving it into whatever they like to do. Everybody's got different things, congrats to all the LGBTQ, big federal law passed today by the Supreme Court, those people love banging, straight people love banging, every color,

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promo code KILLTONY. Yeah, I wish I had those things, that's so great that you could just keep it in your pocket and chew, because you never know, you go on a date and she's like, let's go back to my house, you're like, you know what, let's double down, I want to impress her. Absolutely, keep it in your pocket. Hey, you both here. Yeah, Ryan Jay is here, all the prints, he draws everything, ryanjubelt.com, he's incredible, he's great at what he does, the road posters, the artwork, everything he does is incredible,

I love the auctions that you've been having lately. There's one going on right now. It's all working out, things are going, people love auctions and I love it and that's, you know, I have his artwork all over my place, the official artist of the show, always has been, always will be and you know, that supports the show too, puts him a little money to put it inside of his Ridge Wallet, Ridge Wallet is an unbelievable, sleek, super amazing device, we all use it here on KILLTONY, it's a minimal front pocket wallet that's designed to streamline what you carry every day.

Yeah, the front part, the front pocket part is probably my favorite because I've always my whole life kept a wallet in my back pocket, it's the same one I've had my whole, you know, same kind of foldable wallet, you get it like a target or something like that and that just builds up with coupons and cards that you put in there, next thing you know, you have a wallet that's like five inches thick, you just sit on it, you're in the car going to work every day, that's bad for your back. When I got this thing, it's two like metal plates together with a band and it's just so nice to just only carry around what you need, you keep it in your front pocket so

it doesn't hurt your back, I love it, I don't think I could go back to a normal wallet. That's true and if you ever decided that for some reason you would, there's a lifetime warranty which goes to show that it'll last forever and free returns if you don't like it for any reason, they're back confident that you're going to love it, it comes in titanium carbon fiber aluminum and over a dozen different styles and colors. Get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash killtony, that's ridge.com slash killtony, use the code killtony link in the description so they know that we sent ya.

Caveman coffee's delicious, they have a bunch of great things happening, hibiscus tea. Try that tea, do you like hibiscus tea man, that's a great, like put it on ice. I mean they've really gotten me through this quarantine in an amazing, amazing way, you know, especially early on all the coffee shops were closed after the looting happened in my neighborhood, the coffee shops were closed. Are they open back up yet? They're open now, they're open now that they fixed all of the glass doors and windows. Yeah, I drove down your street the other day, it was shocking how many places were boarded

up. You see it on the news but you're really nothing. Basically we've recovered. That was like a week ago. Oh yeah, but still, it's like, you should have seen the next day. It was insane, I couldn't like, even if it was a movie set, I'd be like, this seems unrealistic that this much damage would happen, anyway who cares, we're not talking about that, because it drives me crazy what happened.

But things are better now, but the caveman coffee got me through it, go to caveman coffee code.com, something like that, and Google caveman coffee. Yes, and use the promo code Kill Tony, save, I believe, 20%. Yeah, and if you buy it, you know, take a photo and send a tag us in it, or tag Tate Fletcher, you know Tate, that's his company. Tag Kill Tony, tag Tate, and that reminds me, a lot of people have been tagging their brand new candles that have sold out, but they are refilling them, yes, I'm dreaming have sold out at damngoodco.com, that is the damn good candle company, and they are damn good candles,

a lot of people have been buying the eucalyptus, aka, my butthole, smell, candle, hinge me, I'm dreaming, damngoodco.com, for that, other things are happening too, but we're here for Kill Tony, it's an exciting time. And do you know if, oh, because we're going to be in Miami next month, I think the 31st or 30th or something like that, do you know if those shows are sold out or did they just take the tickets from when they were sold out earlier? I don't know. Yeah.

I don't think they're sold out. Maybe they are. We're going to be there in a month, or a little over a month. That's true, and in Austin, we're going to be in Boston and Houston, Texas, doing four Kill Tonys in Houston on the 20th, that's exciting, Dallas the 27th, Fort Worth the 28th and 29th, some of these are stand-up shows, by the way, I get them all confused, which is Kill Tony and which isn't, so just Google it, actually, no, you can go to TonyHinchCliff.com. I've completely revamped my website, finally.

And there's a little button you can push to see which ones are stand-up shows and which ones are Kill Tony shows. Yeah, there's icons, they make it clean and clear and under control. Salt Lake City in September, Moontower in Austin, Texas with Kill Tony, that's a big one, September 17th, Toronto with the Queen Elizabeth Theater, September 29th, and then middle of October, Chaos, it's the road to Kill Tony Mania, Bakersfield, Sacramento, and Three Nights in San Francisco. Yeah.

I'm still scheduled to do Madison Square Garden and Boston Garden in October, I think that's still- On top of all those dates? Yeah. Oh my God, almost every day in October. Yeah, now that's my normal schedule is every weekend, so that's very exciting that hopefully in October, I'll be back to that. What are you going to do without having any Vito's Pizza?

I'm going to eat it on Mondays, I come back on Mondays and I eat it here. We're still doing Kill Tony on the Monday, we're not missing a Monday, through all that chaos, very exciting stuff, and through all that, I am doing another show, an introspective on roasting called Roastmaster Class, available at my brand new Patreon. In fact, check this out, this is what people get if they are on the highest tier after three months, you get a bumper sticker, proud student of Tony Hinchcliffe's Roast University. Look at that. You should put that on your Corvette.

I do, I have three on my Corvette right now. I have bumper stickers all over my Corvette. Anyway, let's get into the show. In a stunning turn of events, there will be no Jeremiah Watkins or Joel Berg Joel Jimenez tonight, for relaxation reasons, or doing their own thing. Oh, I thought you meant for us. Oh, no, yeah. That sounds like heaven.

Yeah, it should be interesting to see what the energy of the room is like without those gobbledygooks. Is that the word, gobbledygook? I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore. No, that's the chicken. No, yes. The gobbledygook is the chicken from WWF, by the way, there was a famous character called the gobbledygook.

It's a chicken from WWF. They had this big debut. They were teasing for weeks. They're like, there's this egg and we don't know what it is. And eventually it's like one of the all time worst professional wrestling characters to ever happen famously, because there was just an egg in the corner of an arena and then it hatched. Really bad production.

If you're really bored, Google it at some point. YouTube that. The gobbledygooker. Actually, that's what it was, the gobbledygooker. Okay, it doesn't matter. But we do have one band member that was able to make it. You know her. You love her.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's band leader. Tonight's backbone of the band and the only person in the band tonight, one of our favorites, the great and powerful Jetsky Jesse Johnson. Kill Tony band. Whoa. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? You are a Latina woman.

Hey, I'm Felicia Jimenez. I'm Joel's little sister. Whoa. Felicia Jimenez. That's awesome. I'm so glad you could make it here. Yeah, good to be here. I've never even met you before.

What do you do? I'm a big fan of the show and I love to skate. I love that. Okay, Felicia. You're going to be carrying the weight of all three band members tonight. So this is exciting for you to be here. Your brother couldn't make it. Yeah.

We'll explain why on a different episode of the show. And it's exciting stuff. But so Felicia, very good. Heck yeah. You skateboard. Yeah, I love it. You've been doing that your whole life? Yeah, right out the womb.

Just flipped an Ollie out of that pussy. It was sick. So here we go. We got Felicia Jimenez and let's start the show. Let's just get right into it. Our first submission comes from Drew Williamson. So here's a minute from Drew. Here's Drew Williamson.

I'll be playing the drums tonight. Here's Drew, everybody. Hello. I'm Spaceman D. Willy. Coming to you live from space. I like to write jokes and leave them floating around the capsule on post-its. Oh, hang on a second. Let me fix something on the camera.

Give me a second here. Hang on. Get him. Get down. Okay. All right. All right. Back to the jokes.

I'm so dope. I have Puma insurance. Let's try this one here. I'm very white. When I first heard NWA, it took it straight to the police. Oh, let's try this one back here. I'm worried there might be inbreeding in my family. My mom keeps calling me Aunt Amy.

Let's try this one back here. I'm so old I fall asleep during porn searches. And that's actually true. That's kind of true. Okay. I got one more joke. Oh, great. The aliens are here again.

Wow. That is awesome. Holy, holy, Drew Williamson. What an awesome creative submission. That was awesome. Sick. Oh, great. I'm so glad to hear that.

I love that. There was literally like five times during that in which I'm like, there's no way, right? Like it kept getting me. Like I'm like, I'm looking at the floating pieces of paper. I mean, my goodness. Yeah, actually I've been watching a lot of the space station footage. They have it streaming on YouTube. And I just go to bed with it because it's so peaceful.

It's just like no sounds. It's like small breathing sounds. That was awesome, man. Great job. Thank you. Thank you very much. What part of Oregon or Eastern Washington are you? And what kind of bike do you have?

Phoning in from San Francisco. It's either San Francisco or north of there. Am I correct? I have a New York City, Queens, New York. Wow. I was completely wrong as it gets. I know. I'm kind of a loop.

I'm kind of, yeah. Okay. So you're in the actual city? I own a folding bike. A folding bike? Yes. I'm in Queens, New York. I'm just outside of the city.

Wow. That is incredible. I have never seen anyone from Queens that looks like they're building multiple bombs at the same time while living their normal life. I hate to admit it, but if anything's gadget oriented, it's coming out of this front 10 by 12 of my apartment right now. Heck, yeah, man. Do you keep the green screen up all year long?

Do you like YouTube videos or something? Sure. Well, it's just incredible to be on the show, guys, but I actually appeared at the Grammar C show with Mark Norman, and I was second, and it has changed me ever since I was on. Well, I was on a path of about six months I caught up with you guys over that following the previous winter, and I've been sitting and writing jokes and trying to think of entertainment stuff. And as soon as the quarantine hit, I dove in all the way as I could, and I'm developing

with friends and brothers a podcast possible, and I've just been diving into green screening because all my programs let it work. So I've always wanted to do, and I've been writing music for years. I've been wanting... So on this quarantine, I thought of a big project for me to do at the house is just to make music videos of all the songs that I like. So I've been going down the list, trying to figure out what I want to do. And naturally, you guys announced send videos, and that's all I do now.

It's like a part-time job now, and you guys are the best. I would say I'm pretty close to superfan. And... Well, yeah, guys, keep it up, though. You've gotten so good at that, man. I mean, that's incredible for someone that just started doing that to have a submission like that. Again, there was...

I mean, it was only for about a half a second because I'm a very, very smart, aware human. But you kept getting me, like, I'm like, there's no fucking way this guy's... All right. Because it's also somewhat of a possibility. There's a chance that perhaps an astro... I guarantee, if there's any astronauts that listen to podcasts, I guarantee a Rogan would be one of them. And maybe there's a trickle-down effect there, part of the Rogan family.

And I've done a lot of green screen stuff, and you had a really good... Like, it was very believable, like, I couldn't see the lines, your lighting was perfect and everything like that, or... Ironing. Oh, 100% ironing. I happened to iron for that. And it's just being tricky with the lighting and everything. But yeah, it works really well.

I suggest everyone who does Zoom to just turn on green screen stuff. Yeah, Bill, Nye, the green screen guy. I gotta say, earlier before the show, Gage told me that one of the submissions was super nerdy, and I just can't wait to see who that was. It's interesting to me, one thing that you said here, it really stood out to me, which is, you said that you've dived into writing a lot, which I find interesting. And, you know, I've found that a lot of conversations with people throughout this thing is like, yeah, I just started writing, I just, I've always wanted to do that, and it's interesting

because all the people that haven't done a lot of stand-up are now writing, like maniacs through this time, and all the people with experience that have been doing it forever are at a complete blockade. Like, you know, I can write roast jokes, and I can write screenplays or show ideas or jokes, but when it comes to my stand-up comedy, my process is starting with the simplest, shortest form of the idea, trying that on stage, and then writing, tagging that from on stage. So I literally almost have completely nothing compared to, I mean, I have things that I have to try, but nothing that I believe in whatsoever at all until I try it, because

that's step two of my process. That's what is so, it's amazingly scary. I mean, just emailing a simple one-minute video was like, enormous for me. So it's a big leap, and I'm enjoying it. I got offered to do a spot this week at a real comedy club, and I was thinking, is it even possible to do any of my old bits anymore, because it seems like you can't even, you have to talk about more of what's going on now. You can't just be like, I'm just going to act like everything's normal.

Like, it's all, it's weird. I kind of want to try it, because I have been writing, but I also, it feels like everybody's, all the, I just wanted to know if like, all the comics are just going to be all talking about the same shit, and then you're just going to be like, ah, this is... I mean, you have to decide whether you want to be topical on that, or be a distraction from that. I just want to skate, man. That's it.

At least see it on give-up, buh. So Drew, what were you doing for work before all of this started? So I'm a stagehand on Broadway, and I work backstage, and I've been in theater since college, so since about 1990, and I've mostly done construction, backstage work, and backstage prep for regional theater around the St. Louis area. My wife and I both being in theater decided to make the leap to New York, and we've been here for 16 years now. You work on any big Broadway productions that we would know about?

Book of Mormon. That's right. That's so wild. How long have you been working on that? Approximately three and a half years. So we had a small talk about that when I went on the show last summer. Right. Yeah, because we found out that Tony was up for the role of the main guy.

At one point, yes. Right. One of the greatest, all-time, one of the silliest stories I have up my sleeve in this crazy, crazy life. I'd love to hear... I sent a song I'd love you guys to hear if you guys are willing to put up with another minute. Absolutely.

Why not? You've taken us to outer space. Let's see what's next. The bar height bench song, if they could pull that up. My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said, I want bar height couch, I want bar height couch, not a short couch but a bar height couch, not a short couch but a bar height couch. I'm gonna put it in the kitchen, eat a bar height, kitchen table is tall and that's all

right, kinda like a bar stool but it's a freaking couch. I didn't know they make this bar height couch, a B-day freak and bar height couch, a B-day freak and bar height couch, I want bar height couch. Okay, okay. Oh my God, why would you do that to yourself? That sounded like Bill Nye, like, rapping about his project that he's doing today. He's been doing comedy for nine minutes, he's already trying to kill himself off here. Right, right.

Okay, if I could just do one more thing, if you could play the worst song of all time for you. Still, one last thing I think you're gonna love, you know, I think a big part of comedy from what I read is leaving them on a big laugh. That's actually one of those songs that would go really good if you had a music video though, like it would be perfect for like a music video. Yeah, so that song came up just the past couple days and I just decided to throw it on, put it on and you guys called me tonight.

So I was planning another Kill Tony minute and I was seeing what the first one was gonna do. So anyway. Oh man. That was awesome, man. Drew, I demand that you submit again soon. We got to put him on the auto roll, however much longer of these studio sessions we have, him, Manolo and the other guy.

You remember that other guy? He's thrilled being called the other guy right now. Moment of shine. But anyway, you know, but make sure you're patient, you know, stay creative. Don't just rush it. You just see your another music video next week. Okay. All right.

I like your style, Drew. Thank you so much for your submission. So cool. Thank you guys. Stay in touch. Drew Williamson, everyone. There he goes. He's on SoundCloud.

For those of you that liked his song, go follow him on SoundCloud, which reminds me while we're talking about music apps. Now is a great time to make sure that, you know, if you're on Spotify, subscribe to Kill Tony on Spotify. Get used to it. Yes. Get used to listening. Never do what the future is going to hold.

Over there. Anything can happen in the future. And if you subscribe now on Spotify, you might be ahead of the curve. Also make sure that you go to YouTube and subscribe there. We're so close to 100,000 followers on YouTube. It's crazy. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your next submission comes from a young lady named Cassidy Weigar.

I told my husband that if he dies first, I'm going to have to keep his corpse in a deep freezer beside our bed. It's for nothing weird. I'm just going to fuck him every once in a while. The best unsolicited dick pic I've ever received is from a 55-year-old fact-team salesman. He was laying on his bed seductively and had just come all over himself. I had no choice but to photoshop my sister into there to make it look like she was sucking a stick.

This leads to the worst unsolicited dick pic I've ever received. It was of my sister sucking her boyfriend's dick followed by a video. Now the video, two out of ten. Production quality, shit. Look like dead fish was given a blow job. She does not have a career in porn anytime soon, but I give her credit for even trying. When I asked her why she sent that to me, she said just because she could, which leads me to vowing to send her a video of me fucking the corpse of my husband.

Wow. It's me. There's a lot there. There's a lot there. Hello, Cassidy. How are you? I'm well. How are you?

Good, good. You're the first person to send a submission while performing, laying down on a picnic table. They're the best blankets. I guess so. Heck yeah. So Cassidy, have you ever done stand up before? Never.

Where are you at? I'm from Calgary. Oh, okay. Love the rumor. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They have their internet in Calgary is Canadian. It's apologetic.

Yes. We have some things we still have sound. Cool. What do you do in Calgary? What do you do for work? You're the wife of an oil miner? No, he works for restoration. I'm a stay-at-home wife right now.

Oh, stay-at-home wife. You have kids? No. You're just a stay-at-home wife? What does that mean? She's a lazy bitch. A do-nothing Canadian? I clean the fucking house.

You what? I clean the house. Yeah. You know what? Who else can clean the house? It's a maid if you got a job. Have you ever done COVID? Oh, because of COVID.

How about before COVID? What were you doing before COVID? Nothing. Oh, my God. What is up with you? Are you a stay-at-home wife? It was really hard to job, but they called me the day before I was supposed to start and canceled it because of the whole pandemic.

Well, they must have found out about your work ethic. You know, it is what it is. Have you ever worked? Have you ever had a job? Yeah, yeah. I used to work at a liquor store for the oil field. Actually, Felicia Jimenez once worked at a liquor store. Is that true?

Yeah, you tell me. Wow. Did I? Wow. Can you guess which cast member spent 15 years at Second City? Back to you at the studio. Hey, wow. You really are a Jimenez.

Really roll with the punches. All right. No, it's good. He does do that. That's so funny. That's what he does when he flickers out. Then he grabs the mic. So, are you a cast member?

Yeah. I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member.

I'm a cast member. I'm a cast member. So, are you, you seem pretty nervous. Are you, are you locked in a basement? Just blink twice if you're safe. I can't feel my arms right now. Let me ask you this. Is your husband insecure?

Does he not want you to work because maybe he's afraid you'll meet someone there or something? Who knows? I should ask him. Ah, you see that? That's a little fucking, that's a good. He'll watch later. You get a lot what? Oh, he'll watch later.

He'll find out. Oh, okay. All right, good. I don't want to get you all beat up over there. I know those guys in Calgary can get a little rough. Hello. Hello, my darling. Hello, my baby.

Hello, my sugar pie. When pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. What? Okay. So, Cassidy, you said that you would freeze your husband, keep him next to your bed and have sex with him still. Yeah. Why would you do that?

Well, I'm assuming I'm going to be really old when he dies. So why even bother to go find like another old guy? They're going to be on Death's Door anyways. Yeah, don't you want a new dick though? I mean, now's your chance. Why? If he dies, you'd have to get a job, wouldn't you? Maybe.

Yeah, and I'm pretty sure if you fuck a frozen dick, your pussy's going to get stuck to it like that kid in the Christmas story. That's true. Frozen dick, the old coxsicle. I'm old anyway, I hope. What do you think's the most Canadian thing about you? Other than the amount of vitamin D you have running through your veins right now? Very pale.

Yeah. No white. I know from like near the Northwest Territories, so it makes sense. Are there bears around where you live? Yeah. You see them a lot? Well, I've seen a grizzly bear the other day. Wow, yes, that would qualify as exactly what I'm talking about, 100%.

What was the grizzly bear doing? Just eating some berries, like they do. I love, she's talking to me like I'm in there. We don't see that, we've never seen a bear in our life. You mean there, you don't have the grizzly bears there in Los Angeles? I heard they've been really causing a storm, they've been looting. That's why they're called bears, they eat all those berries. That's true.

That's why they're called bears. Do you have any... Yogi bear or anything? Yogi bear, yeah, they just got that up there, didn't they? Do you have any pets? Do you have any animals there? Yeah, I've got two dogs. Two dogs, what are their names?

Lucy and Nacho. Can we see Nacho? Yeah, are they around? Where's Nacho? They in another room? Okay. Good dogs. That's what they do.

That's how you get a Canadian dog to come to you. Come on Nacho, come on Nacho. What are you doing? Jesus, I love this. Oh my God, they're out there with the bear. It makes me, I don't know. Oh my goodness. Wow, both dogs hate you.

They're stay-at-home dogs. They just want to be a potential boss at you. Through the computer, yeah. Cassidy, what's an incredible fun fact that would shock us about you or your life? Some perhaps special skill or talent or story or something or traumatic experience that has happened to you at some point

or something compelling? Well, my whole life has been a traumatic experience, essentially. But when I was working at the bar, I went to change the toilet paper once and I walked in on one of my clients like air-drying her vagina with the hand dryer. She had nothing on. Why was she doing that?

Because they didn't have toilet paper in the stall. Oh, I gotcha. I gotcha. Air-drying her vagina with a, yeah, that's like Canadian 9-11 right there. That's like the biggest story. Oh, did you hear about the time they ran out of toilet paper up at the bar

on Poughkeepsie Street and the lady had to air-dry her vagina? What would happen if you made a good seal on the vagina and the pussy lips and turned it on? Would it fill up? What the fuck, man? What the fuck, man? For one week, you're asking about

to gay guys like loose assholes. Would it stop? No, it wouldn't fill up the vagina. Would you think it's like a hot air balloon? No, but what? You think they're going to fly away? Would the air-dryer just start backing up or like it would have to go somewhere?

It would just be the biggest queef of all time. It would just be queef city. Oh, red van. You already used your fart. You're only 34 minutes into the episode. That's excited. You really blew your,

blew your queef. All right. Well, Cassidy, fun times. Thank you for your submission. Love your hair. Absolutely. Thank you. You have a great charisma to you.

You're very like, it's like if Taylor Swift, you know, didn't have talent. You know what I mean? It's like a Canadian Taylor Swift. Well, you know, thank you, I guess. All right, Cassidy.

Seriously, thank you so much. And we'll see you, hopefully, next time we're in Calgary. There goes Cassidy Wieger, everybody. Thank you, Cassidy. Bye-bye. Those dots are going to get beat. It is so weird when you're like,

do any kind of slightest mean thing to somebody on video because they're just sitting there going, well, thanks. Literally my least favorite thing in the world. We have found out completely that I do not like making fun of people via the internet.

There is no reward and no risk. But anyway, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, one of our regulars, a brilliant, brilliant mind, a beautiful face, the one, the only,

William Montgomery is here. What's that, Vince? Hi, William. Here's William Montgomery. William Montgomery. Newsflash, Sting defunded the police years ago. I watched the movie The Fly recently.

What are the odds? Can you imagine if now you had George Floyd's counterfeit money, that money is now worth more than it never was in the first place. Does this mean I have to throw away my Confederate flag dog collar? I make my daughter wear...

I heard George Floyd's last words were to make change for a 20. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. There you go. William Montgomery is now... There you go. There's William Montgomery.

There's William. How are you all doing? Hey, I just want to first and foremost say the guy that used to go out with Erica. I just want you to know I'm fucking her in the butt now. You used to stalk her. You went out with her three years ago.

You piece of shit for two fucking months. You left fucking notes on her goddamn car with rose petals. How much of a faggot are you? Oh my goodness gracious. Do you believe that? Is there a delay there to protect something? From England.

That's right. Yeah, Mario, you got something coming from your head. You got an open invitation to a nice cup fest. Yeah, Mario, you want to watch me fuck her? Give me a thousand bucks. Is that her? Is that the girl? Is that Erica?

I've never seen her before. Is that what she looks like? Yeah, that's her. That's an English man. What are you talking about? That's an English man. That's great. It's great to be hanging out with Russell Brand

during this time. You are the least quarantining person I've ever fucking seen through this whole thing, will you? Yeah, I've been sick as a motherfucker, dude. Yeah. I've been sick as a motherfucker, dude. Do you went back to work this week, huh? Yeah, you can say that.

Tell us about it. Why do you waste crap? I'm so angry. Tell us about how work was this week, William. Yeah, it was a bunch of people watching the color purple. I don't like that movie. Oh my goodness. That reminds me.

Do the math on that one. You still have... Okra? Or like Okra? I like fried Okra. Wow, I think you're the first person to ever make an Okra Oprah joke in the history. You told me to say that.

Come on, man. Take credit for that. Well, that was 25 years ago when the movie came out. But William, I will say... Let's get it out, Leo. You don't like blacks. Ok, alright.

Very, very compelling. William, you're just looking for a fight. Black lives matter. Oh my goodness gracious. William, I love your sting. Defund the police joke. I absolutely love your George Floyd's money. It's worth more than ever.

You have created two amazing George Floyd jokes about his money. That is very, very cool that you've done that. Yeah, it's a part. I mean, there's all these protests going on. I think people forget the real reason why the cops killed him. He was in there.

Oh God, alright. Who said the counterfeit money? Ok, alright. This is... I'm not kidding. My dad uses counterfeit money. I'm kidding. I know.

I know. I was going to say you're kidding, too. I'm glad you... I'm cool with that. Very good. Absolutely, William. That's good. I'm really cool with that.

How have y'all been doing? We're good, William. We're good. And I wonder, you know, when comedy clubs do open back up, if there's jokes like what William is talking about, subject matter... I thought you were going to say

if they'll let William in. If clubs are going to be like, hey, no jokes or... Is that a fucking joke? What do you just say, bitch? Because you're so angry. What kind of a club would... Don't fuck with me.

Yeah, I pissed. I can tell. That guy asked me, talking about getting with my girlfriend. Yeah. Hey, news to the guy. I have a crush on him. I like how he looks.

What's happening? What's the... I like how that guy looks. What's the unfunny Englishman spraying on you? I'm just engaging this rage center to make sure this cuckold really gets his girlfriend, yeah? They're at bad acting school in every country, huh?

My goodness. Wow. The... What you guys thought... Stop. That guy's worse than your girlfriend, man. Yeah, dude. Oh, my gosh.

Funny one. You bitch. Thank you. But... It's incredible how dark it has gotten behind you since we started this phone call a few minutes ago. It has, literally. All right, William Montgomery

with another new submission. Is there anything else crazy we should... Anything else crazy we should know about or talk about? Yeah, I like the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, what do you like about them? Leonardo. Wait, Leonardo.

Where's your mom? Okay, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you, William. There you go. We love you, William. Some white... Whoa!

Jesus. All right, let's roll right into it, ladies and gentlemen. Here's Patrick Fairchild. Yes, Patrick Fairchild. As you guys know, I'm a hardcore Christian, so I started a taxi service to and from heaven. It's gonna be called Jesus Christ Uber Star. Every time I watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,

I seriously consider adopting a small Filipino boy to help me navigate the jungle safely. I will never forgive you for this! That's an impression of me at nine years old after getting skipped three times in a row by my father in a game of UNO. Just a little update. I recently moved to Tupelo, Mississippi with my aunt Carol.

We've been squatting in an abandoned house on Elm Street. To be honest, it's been a nightmare. That's probably my best joke. Do you guys think I should get this checked out? Whoa! Wow! Damn, look at this. It's fucking the real William Montgomery.

Thank God. I just wanted to apologize for all the racist stuff I just said. I wasn't really mean. It's incredible, and yet it has gotten even darker behind you since the last time I talked to you. Wow, I like this one better. How far do you live from Los Angeles? We'd really like to switch you out if we could.

I feel like Fresh Prince. No one will notice when the mom says it. Are you really in Mississippi? No, no, no. I'm in Lawrenceville, Georgia. Oh, okay. Alright, that's where you're born and raised? Raised. I was actually born in Canada. Canada, another Canadian. Look at that. Do you have dual citizenship?

I do. My parents were doing mission work at the time. I was only there for, like, 20 years, but I still get to have it. Oh, that's great. That's great. You should go up there and have one of those free doctors check out that lesion on your chest. No, that's that third nipple, right? Is that a third nipple? No, it was actually something I did get checked by a doctor.

It was a spot that I had, but just a keloid after getting pulled out. So it's just how I scar, I guess. Wow. Incredible. What do you do for work? I work for a tech company that we do, like, monitor and control systems for broadcasting equipment. So CNN, you know, NBC, ABC, everybody, all the equipment they use to send their signals to satellites and stuff we monitor and allow them to control it from one interface.

Wow. Give us some of that. Yeah. Very cool. Well, we just got bought by a company last year that has a global fiber network. And so a lot of the remote production that's been going on and the big broadcasting companies has been using our hardware and software. So we did the NFL Draft, how they had all the fans from each team from all over the world. They all had one of our boxes in their house.

So it was pretty cool. Wow. That's cool. Incredible. What's your living situation there in Georgia? I own a house out in the woods. Incredible. How far away from civilization are you? How deep in the woods are we talking? I'm probably 45 minutes north of Atlanta. Wow. That's awesome. Yeah, it's not too far, but...

Do a little rocking chair reaction for us. Yeah. You're on your porch in Georgia on a rocking chair. 45 minutes north of Atlanta. So, like, in your neighborhood, what types of different races do you see of human beings? If you consider other races human beings, that is. Of course I do. Unless they're dicks, you know.

Right. But while we live in a county that's actually pretty broad, there's a lot of Estonian people, a lot of Hispanic people. So a lot of the schools represent... Yeah. That's great. A lot of the schools represent, you know, like, tons and tons of different places, but, you know,

you get far enough away from the crowds of people and you get into the country a little bit. How you been surviving this quarantine? You been doing anything special or new hobbies or anything, or just still working a normal life? Well, I just had a baby at the end of last year, so right now I'm a stay-at-home dad that still works 40 hours a week at my job while my wife goes to work.

Wow, you see that? Someone tell that stay-at-home wife how you do it. Yeah. This guy's working and being a father, and he's a stay-at-home guy. And he's Canadian. Yeah. Hey.

Yeah, we don't tell too many people out here that, you know. Right. Yeah. You want them to respect you. You want them to respect you. But now I did pick up a couple of hobbies that I always wanted to do. I bought an Alaskan chainsaw mill.

And it's just, I cut down a big 80-foot loblolly pine tree in my backyard. And it's a kit that you bolt onto your chainsaw where you can rip your own boards. So I've been making my own lumber. Oh, badass. Goodness. You make your own boards too?

Wow. Yeah, I make my own wood, dude. Heck yeah. Speaking of chopping down a giant fucking trunk, you can go to bluechew.com. It's the promo code Kill Tony. How funny is it that he looks like a lumberjack and he is a lumberjack?

That's true. That's true. Right, right. So I actually, I had no intent of doing it. And I grew this beard. And all of a sudden I was like, man, I need to chop down some trees and get a diesel truck and start dipping. Yeah.

A lot of people don't know this, but he actually whittled the rocking chair that he's rocking on right now. The whittler. If you're wondering who whittled that. The ginger whittler. That's right. Wow.

What else should we know about you, Patrick? Any other crazy fun facts about Patrick Fairchild? Well, I've probably served more jail time than your average white fella. Ooh, tell us all about that. Well, I went to college at Georgia Southern University and I, you know, there's not a lot to do out there except for getting trouble.

So I was, I got, you know, I'm an entrepreneur. So I got onto the street pharmacy market, mainly horticulture. And I got, I got in trouble with a couple, a couple big bags of stuff that's totally legal where you're sitting. Yeah, Jesus. Isn't that ridiculous?

How long would you spend in jail? Well, for that first charge, I was 20 years old. I did 90 days in a prison boot camp just for my original. Wow. So that, which was probably like the worst 90 days of my life. But then after that, I got put on five years of felony probation and subsequently violated my probation multiple times after that. I got a DUI that I actually beat in court.

But just because I got arrested while I was on probation, I had to do six months. Oh my gosh. Fucking for me. Yeah. Yeah. And then I, a year later, I failed a piss test for marijuana and they gave me nine and a half months in a prison work camp.

Oh, wow. Look at you. Geez. Oh man, an unsuspecting prisoner. You're like Martha Stewart. And then, and then a year after that, I'd been on non-reporting probation. They called me the day after New Year's Eve and said I had to be in

within four hours or they were going to put a warrant out for my arrest. And I called my brother who was then an attorney and said, Hey, you're going to need to fire up some paperwork because I'm about to burn the bottom out of this cup. So I got, I got, I got a better lawyer that time. So I actually got only seven and a half months for that one. But the day I left, my probation ended. And I got to keep my first offenders right because I got an attorney

every time I violated and said, I will do your time, but your first offenders right means if you're, if you get through all your probation, they don't put a felony on your record. So. God, you would have been better off just selling cocaine. That's actually what my lawyer said. He said all this for weed.

You should have just done blow like a grownup. Wow. Look at that. My goodness. So what did you learn? I'm on my right. You have any crazy prison stories? Um, yeah, I got a lot of,

it's hard to drop the soap when you never pick it up. Yeah. Yeah. Funny thing is, is they had Irish spring soap and in jail. So I always did that. And I thought maybe it helped me just a little bit for some reason. I don't know. Give me some.

But I mean, a lot of, a lot of fights, man. I was at a work camp. So we were in dorms where there was 60 people in each dorm. I was on the bottom of a triple bunk. So there's a, a lot of people crammed into one room at one time. So every Friday night, like people that had beef throughout the week,

like it was Friday night lights. So you got young kids, you know, different gangs, you know, best with each other, like talking shit all week. And then we, we cook up a bunch of food and sit on the bumps and just bet on people,

you know, shit, were you a good fighter? My dad was, I mean, he still is a high school wrestling coach. Oh yeah. So I never wrestled,

but I had plenty of experience getting out of horrible situations. The ridiculous advantage in a street fight is any wrestling experience made fun of my dad a lot when I was younger. But then when I got older, I was like, I let him know. I appreciated it. But I mean,

out of the, out of two years for all of it. And, you know, I gotten probably three heavy fights. I mean, there was hermitages, but you know,

it was never really anything I was doing. It was just sometimes you feel, you don't get too connected to people in there, but you feel if there's a situation where you need to step in, you got to, usually it was a white guy and I hated pulling the white card, but, you know,

I was one out of four in a 60 person dorm. So if somebody started getting wailed on, the scary thing is like, you don't want to help that guy and turn around. And there's like eight dudes about ready to whip your ass. So you kind of had to pick. So if people didn't deserve it, I would try and get in there, I guess.

That's wild, man. I can't even imagine that. Damn. Yeah, but now I have, I have my right to vote. I own guns. I got my passports, you know, I got a wife,

a little kid and I'm, you know, I got a career. So absolutely you did it. What's the legality of weed now there? Um, it's like, you know, it's down to,

if you're in the city of Atlanta, you can get like a $75 ticket. But outside of the city, where I am, I mean, you know, it's still, anything open ounces, anything that's a misdemeanor,

you're going to jail. And they're probably going to take your driver's license for like a year. Oh my goodness gracious. Well, luckily you're out there in the woods. Doesn't seem like, thank you to many people that are going to bother you out there. So congratulations.

What an awesome story of a fucking survival. You're one of the most prison. You're the most imprisoned Canadian I've ever heard of in my life. You little rebel you. Yeah. Well, me with no facial hair and no hair on my head, I look very much a skin head. So that was a little difficult to,

to navigate for quite a while. Heck yeah. Well, you got it all now. Now you're a more likeable version. The most likable version of William Montgomery. This is like if William got sober, got his life together. Yeah.

You need to do like a scared straight with William. Yeah. That's exactly what we need to do. The problem is if I hung out with William, we'd probably get into, into too much trouble to begin with. Red's has got that fire, man. He can't stop.

That's true. Once they, once they get around each other, it just gets crazy. Please come to a show if you're ever near one of our shows though, because that'd be great to, to have you be a William. For sure.

I'm positive. I came out there, I came out there last year, but it wasn't like, I went for work for a couple of days out at Fox, but I couldn't get there on a Monday. I had to leave on a Sunday. I saw,

I saw Jeremiah at the comedy store. I went to the comedy nights in a row. So I was, you know, I wanted to be there and be in it. It was something I always wanted to do. So definitely message us and let us know when you're coming next time. We'll set up something fun.

Hell yeah. Sounds good. We'll put on like a big camo jacket and no shirt, but I didn't want to be him the whole time. I guess. All right. That makes sense. I get it.

Sounds like a lot of weight to carry. It is. It's big. It's big crocs to fill when doing William. All right. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Fairchild.

Great stuff, Patrick. Thank you. That was great. That was great. Yeah, we're flying through. Let's just keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Rob Callahan.

Here's a guy named Rob Callahan with his one minute submission. Here's Rob. Before the pandemic started, I decided I was only going to poop at work from now on. I didn't care if it was Friday night. I'm waiting until Monday morning. I'm going to get paid for this shit.

That's right. I like to poop at work. One day I was using the luxurious handicap stall at the work bathroom, and the only blind guy from my building came in with a seeing eye dog and stood by the stall door. So I hurried up.

I got out of there as quick as I couldn't. On my way out, I was like, sorry about that. He was like, no problem. So all right. Could have been worse. But it happened again the very next day.

He came in, stood by the handicap stall door. I finished up as quick as I couldn't. On my way out, I was like, sorry about that. I don't want him to know it was me again. Yeah, I can be blind too.

He doesn't know. Do blind people recognize each other? Imagine two blind guys getting an elevator at the same time? So much in common. No idea. Imagine having to introduce two blind guys to each other. I'm not going to be the guy that brings it up. Awesome.

I loved it. Rob Callahan, keeping it interesting, juggling some balls during it with the Kiltoni artwork behind him. I like that. How are you doing, Rob? Hey guys, I'm great.

How are you? Good, good. You are in the New York area or DC? Boston. Boston. Heck yeah. Yeah, I went to the New York show. I was at the Gramercy with Big J.

That's what I remembered. Shane Gillis. That's what I remembered where that poster was from and another incredible piece of Ryan J. E. Belt artwork. Yeah, that was a fun one. Big J, Shane Gillis, Gramercy Theater. Did you get up that night? I did, yeah.

Oh, cool. How did it go? What happened? What did we find out about you? It was good. See, I have a daughter. She was born when I was 19. Talked about that.

I talked about Tom Brady a little bit. Things have changed since then, so I have different feelings about that now. Right, indeed. He's a resident of Tampa Bay, Florida. How's your daughter doing? She's great. She just actually graduated eighth grade today.

She started high school. Wow, look at that. She's almost in Red Band's age range. Is there even high school now? You're the high school. Your place is the high school, right? Schools aren't open back then. It's online.

Yeah. Yeah, it's questionable. I don't even know. They haven't even told me yet. I'm not sure what's going to happen. What do you do for work? A lot of different theories flowing out there. I do records, information management.

Kind of boring. Like what kind of records? Like for like lawyers and clients, you know, you can file it, make sure that, oh, it's findable. Okay. This guy looks like Ryan Jay's little brother. You have a little brother, Ryan Jay? No.

Oh, shit. I offended Ryan. Ryan's mad at me now. Now the picture of me is going to look like that picture of Joel from a few weeks ago. I love it. So Rob, have you always been a... Go ahead.

I was just going to say another thing when we talked about last time was I'm a cornhole referee. Oh, now I remember. That's right. That's how you spark. That's a good way to spark my memory. Not a great many cornhole referees have I dealt with in my life. Wow.

So how about the juggling? Is that something that you've always done? I learned that during the pandemic took a few days. But yeah, I got pretty good at it. What else have you learned? Did you started with juggling? You're like, this is something that I've always wanted to do? No, my wife does it pretty good.

She's done it. She went to like town school and she was much younger. She's probably getting out of town college. You're going to be a little more prestigious about the description of it. But I was just and I wanted to do it too. And so I quickly surpassed her as far as I'm concerned. Wow. Look at that.

My goodness. I know somebody else that tried that learned juggling during the pandemic. Like it's... That's an interesting thing because I've always tried to juggle and then just given up. I can't even imagine trying to get good at it. Wait, you tried something and then gave up at it after trying it before getting good at it?

No. Have you tried to juggle? Yeah. I mean, sort of. The same thing. You know, you just do it a couple of times like... It's just one of those things to me. There's like no reason to get good at it.

I don't know. I just have really no interest. Fair, fair. Yeah. I have no interest in being able to juggle. Like, I mean, there's just... It took a YouTube video. And it's wine.

In fact, it would be a very short list if I could think of things that I have less than no interest in learning. I like learning. I like, you know, I'll watch YouTube videos on things and, you know, try to learn life hacks and this and that. Juggling would be on that short list of things in which I mean, truly, I do not give up.

Literally a flying fuck. Yeah. About juggling. It's like ice skating backwards. I don't care. I don't want to do that. You're missing out. Or ice skating forward.

You're missing out. I'm missing out. I think you know how to ice skate backwards. I actually do know. Yeah. We got to see that when it happens, too. We need the roller blades. Did you get your electric bicycle?

No. I might cancel my order. No, you can't. Oh. Yeah. They're having a lot of problems with the company. People are sending them back and canceling their orders. They're breaking the people that have it.

There's some trouble bound at Super 73. Oh, my goodness. What a shocking turn of events. Yeah. The bicycle. I drive a scooter. It's really funny. You do?

What kind you got? Yeah. Like a 50 CC rough house. Oh, cool. Just got a last month. It's awesome. A rough house is a very tough sounding name for whatever. That English scooter.

Yeah. Just run, run. 30 miles an hour, baby. Doesn't even have a... Does it make a noise? Yeah. I know that. What does it sound like?

Run, run, run, run. Really? A scooter sounds like that? Pretty close, yeah. This bike I have, it's like a Tesla or that I'm trying to get. It's like a Tesla. It has like instant torque. So it's only supposed to go 20 miles an hour because that's legal for like street legal.

But there's like a little way to hack it so it goes up, you know, really, really fast. Rob, has anybody ever told you that you look like an angry white woman with a beard? Like a Karen? A very smiley, angry woman. It's like a Harry Karen. A heron. Have you ever called the police on somebody doing something? No, no.

Are you thinking of that lady with her husband? Oh, you've only seen one video. Wow, look at that. It's a hard worker indeed raising his kid out there working, doing it all. You do look like you could snap at any minute. It's right under the surface. What makes you angry? Right now, I mean, you know, a lot.

Yeah? Is there anything that we would be surprised that it makes you angry for some reason? A pet peeve of yours? Oh man, I wish I had thought about this more beforehand. But I mean, when I'm on the tee, well, you know, the train here in Boston, people who wear their backpacks, I deal with the train a lot of times. They got the scooter. It's not a very fun answer, but that does just me enough.

People that wear backpacks. That's so crowded. And people that cross their legs, and people that cross their legs, they just want to go like, are you fucking comfortable? Or I don't. Damn. You don't want them to cross their legs. These are problems.

Except love or space, by the way. Okay, because it's so packed in there. Welcome to another episode of White Juggler Problems with Rob Callaghan. Gosh darn backpacks on the train. Why can't you just carry the things in your arms? All right. I feel like you have like a hobby, like you have something that you collect, like either comic books or you're into World Warcraft or something.

I love that you think that you're on to some amazing psychic power. I see him doing cosplay at Star Wars or something. I actually don't like Star Wars. I'm one of the few who might as well like me for that. I love the Mandalorian. What's the nerdy? My recent hobby, right now, I was actually going to promote my YouTube live stream of my bird feeder.

That's what I've been into lately. I've got a camera on my bird feeder. Yeah. Wow. Damn. Gage told me before the show that there was going to be someone really nerdy on the show. I can't wait to see what it is. Is it live right now?

Yeah. Yeah. Rob Gallant on YouTube. It's nighttime though. There's no birds out there. Oh, I want to see this. So you just keep this on all the time and you're just wasting your internet upload speed for a bird feeder?

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, we've got a couple of different Wi-Fi connections, so it's fine. Wow. I want to see this nighttime video. We're looking it up. I think Gage is... Fun fact, a bird feeder is something that all the Karens have. Not a lot of people know that.

It's the one common thread of all angry white women is a bird feeder. So this also falls into the theory that you are actually a white woman that perhaps has had some type of operation or you are taking medicines to become a man. Wow. Wow. All right. Oh, I see the... There's the scooter.

Wow. Got no birds right now though. It's kind of... I can't quite see the birds. Got a better camera for it. It's going to be nice. Do you live in a corporate park? What is that?

He's in prison. Is it the prison? It's weird. It's... I actually... I used to live in a neighborhood. Neighbors and houses that lived right next to mine, obviously, but they knocked them all down, built a casino, like a giant casino across the street from my house and my landlord

was like, I'm not selling. So we're literally surrounded by parking lots with a casino across the street. Do you play cards or anything? Oh, look. Oh, wow. Look at that. It's a bird. Yeah, it's a bird.

Oh, my goodness. It was a real-life bird. Hey, get out of here, bird. Don't eat it all. Oh, my goodness. It's a bird. It's a bird. It's a bird.

It's a bird. It's a bird. It's a bird. It's a bird. It's a bird. It's a bird. It's a bird. Thank you so much for your submission.

Fun times. He's on Instagram at borneaholic.com. B-O-R-N-A-H-A-L-L-A-C. Thank you so much. Rob Callahan. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you.

Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah, baby. Here he is. This is a guy that truly cares less than anybody about this global pandemic, hanging out with the whole crew. Ladies and gentlemen, one of our favorite regulars of all time, the brilliant, the talented, great David Lucas, everybody. Hi, David.

Hey, what it do? What it do? What's happening, man? What's going on there? You guys, you guys shooting a music video? I didn't make it, man. I had to prove that I hate with black people, dawg. Yeah.

Oh, thank you. All lives matter. Oh, yeah. Hey, we got here, bro. We got a tray out here, bro. He out here kicking. Hey, man. Hey, we got here, bro.

We got a tray out here, bro. We got a tray out here, bro. He out here kicking. Hey, we grew up together. Hey, mom. Hey, Tony, I want you to see his bullshit out. Hold up. Turn around.

Turn around. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around. Oh. Look at that stupid ass shit. Look at that stupid ass shit.

Hey, Tony, look at the paint. Look at the paint. Oh, my. Everybody like a bottle tap a teal. This one where the California rain all came from. And he lived it. What? Come on, Tony.

He lived it. He made those shit right, dawg. California raisin. Wow. I love that. What's your favorite kind of raisin? I know it's not your children. He said what's your favorite kind of raisin?

He said, you know, it's not your children. It went over your head. It went over his head. It went over his head. It went over. Hey, man, you gotta suck some rat juice. I don't understand that shit. It's like a raisin you eat.

I don't eat shit. I don't eat shit. I know. He's saying like, come on, brother. Yeah, bro. Everybody come here to see you. I had to come out here to get a service. I ain't got a service at my mama's house, Tony.

Oh, shit. Who's that white bit? Hey, was that Wendy? You're hanging out with Wendy? Oh, this guy? No, no, no. The woman that just walked by. Oh, she going into the bar, but this guy is from London

and he's a big fan of Kill Tony, Tony. Hey, pleasure boys. How's it going? Wow. What's up? Look at that. A black guy with an English accent. That's incredible.

My goodness gracious. That's incredible. Hey, Tony, I know you saw the news that they shot another black guy at the fast food restaurant. So he ain't fast food for two weeks. Oh, you boycotted fast food. We call that a bombs big boycott. My goodness.

I ate a Wendy's yesterday. I'm not even kidding. I went through the drive through a Wendy's yesterday. No one was there. It's the best fastest time to eat at a Wendy's right now. No one wants to eat there. I sped right there. Oh, shit.

Who's that guy? Oh my goodness. I feel like this guy's about to beat my ass through the internet. That's Buster Rhymes right there, Tony. Oh, they're going to beat all you did. Oh my goodness. Wow. Goddamn.

Goddamn. This is the coolest fucking guy I ever was. Oh my God. Wow. I thought I'd never get to meet. I thought I'd never get to meet the shadow of Kimbo Slice. When he said he'd met the shadow of Kimbo Slice. I love this, man.

I'll be back next week, though, Tony. I love y'all to miss y'all. Hey, that guy's tripping behind you. That's so funny. Oh, that was an Ethiopian pirate. That's an Ethiopian pirate right there. Somalia? Yeah, I know.

Where you from? Oh, shit. I don't want to talk. I don't want to cause any problems. That's a party. So you're in Georgia right now? Yes, sir. I love it.

Where's Trey at? You guys already beat him up and put him in the trunk of a car? Come on, Trey. Hi, Trey. What's up, Trey? Hey, guys. Look at those crazy eyes. Wait, why is Trey there?

Trey's hanging with David. That's cool. They're all kicking it. Yes, sir. We out here, man. Tony, I got to bring y'all here. You got a lot of fans out here, Tony. Oh, yeah.

I know. I love it. I love Trey. I love that Trey's hanging out with a bunch of black guys. You guys must all get along because none of you ever stop talking. Tony, we got to do a show in Macon, Orlando, bro, because as soon as I walked into the bar, they were like, bro, you the guy that got roasted by Dudley L. Rollins? I'm like, God, that's awesome.

Oh, yeah. That's hilarious. Damn right. We've always had a big, big strong, very strong base in all the southern places, including Atlanta, Georgia. And I'm glad you're out there having fun. Stay safe out there. Make sure the whole crew is a good night.

Absolutely. Shout out to you. Shout out to Trey. Absolutely. Shout out to the whole crew there. Thanks for participating, guys. Rock and roll. See you, guys.

Bye-bye. I'm still scared of that guy. He's scary. Look at this. There's that Trey is there. I love it, man. Trey's one of our very fun, I guess we could sort of call him a road manager. He just really is.

He's one of our friends who helps out a lot and is a cool, positive guy. Is he there for work or is he? I don't know. He doesn't live anywhere near there. No, he lives in Philly, but I think he might just be hanging out. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along with this very suspicious figure. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Chuckle. Here's Chuckle.

This country is crazy right now. With the murder of George Floyd, we need heroes in America like Dr. Martin Luther King. It wasn't for Dr. King and all the streets named Martin Luther King Boulevard. White people wouldn't know when they're in the wrong neighborhood. Because of Dr. King, black people have their own TV network where young, impressionable white kids can learn to be cool. Blacks and whites can now eat at the same breakfast counters, drink from the same water fountains. It's been 40 years since his untimely death and America got its first half black president.

Maybe in another 40, we can get a whole black one. Till now, we're stuck with an orange one. Fuck the 12. Black Lives Matter. Wow, fuck yeah, man. Absolutely. I absolutely fucking love that Martin Luther King Boulevard joke. Yeah, that was great. People wouldn't know when they, white people wouldn't know when they've been in the wrong neighborhood. That's a great joke.

Hi, Chuckle. Hello. How's it going, buddy? How are you? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good here. All right, the change of pace going from a crew of black guys outside of a bar in Atlanta to Chuckle. He has a walking stick right here. Appears to be the leader, the final boss level. If you play the video game Antifa, this is the boss you have to beat at the end.

Is that a snake or a walking stick? Red Band has questions about your stick there. Yeah, that's a walking stick. It's actually a cane that I use because I have a dislocated hip. Oh, okay. Dislocated hip. So I hobble around. All right, how'd you dislocate your hip? I was scrapping and I was holding a washing machine and I dropped it on my leg.

Ah, fuck. God damn it. Yeah, that is a laundry load that you don't want, for sure. Scrapping, you mean like going into abandoned places and taking all the copper? What do you mean by scrapping? Yeah, pretty much. My dad is tired and he cracks and we steal a weekend. My goodness, a washing machine on your leg. Here I am joking about it. I may tag that joke later. I may tag it. I may not tag it. You were probably in a whirlwind of emotions.

My goodness gracious. Wow. So that's fun and Chuckle, where are you? I am in Sunfield, Missouri and I live in a halfway house. Oh, okay. Halfway. It's halfway between jail and the real world. Hey, I like that. We had a guy earlier that sort of looked like you that had been to prison multiple times. Yeah, I enjoyed that news. Like the three stages of William Montgomery.

He's the before and the second. This is another, you could also join the scared straight William Montgomery episode that we're going to make as a special production. What did you go to jail for? Chuckle, if you don't mind talking about it. Oh, yeah, I actually came here straight from rehab. I was drinking a lot and I came here afterwards to stay straight. Did the drinking increase, especially after the hip injury? Yeah, I was drunk when I did it. Well, that's good. So you're sober?

Yes. That's great. Congratulations since February. Yeah, I had one relapse. It's good. That's good. It happens. You're aware of it. You're living through it. That's great. And especially during these crazy times, I mean, good Lord, I can't even imagine. So must be wild. How else do you entertain yourself through these wild quarantine times? Well, I go around the city of Springfield and since it was the quarantine, the whole streets are just ran by the homeless people because everyone would not come outside. So I know basically the whole homeless population.

Do you know a lot of the halfway homeless population? That's cool. Homeless people have probably interesting stories and interesting perspectives on life, right? Yeah, they do a lot of them and then there's the ones that are just out getting fucked up all day and picking fights, shit like that gets a little dangerous. Yeah. But I got my lump and stick here. Yeah, absolutely. Hell yeah, that's awesome. You ever do any types of art or anything like that?

You an artist of any kind or was this your first time taking a stab at stand up? Is that it? Well, I do a lot of writing. Me and one of my friends get together and we write and he performs a lot and I'm going to get into stand up also as soon as I'm allowed to stay out past nine o'clock. Yeah, absolutely. That's awesome, man. That is awesome. There's definitely something there. The way that you said that MLK joke and it's especially hard to get laughs when your face is covered in a mask and things like that. You had some things going against you there, but you made us audibly laugh. It was really good. Yeah, I had a great time at the protest there that was at one of the walls and the protest. I've been going to all of them since it's really the first time that people are getting out of the house. Yeah.

And man, they could have been protesting cotton candy. I'd have been out there. Yeah, absolutely. Cotton candy. Sure. No, nobody's protesting that. Nobody is anti-cotton candy here. That's for sure. I love it, Chuckle. Well, thank you so much. Great submission. Great interview. Fun times, man. Thank you so much. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go? Um, I have schizophrenia. Oh, we knew that already, Chuckle. We knew that. You don't have to tell us that. Yeah, I am.

Now I'm kidding. Go ahead. Well, yeah, I'm on disability, so I don't have to work. And I like to spend time riding motorcycles. I used to be in a motorcycle club. Oh, cool. You ever ride a rough house before? I don't know what that is. It's a scooter. Oh, that goes... You know what? I actually kind of want to get a little 49cc motor and put it on a mountain bike and ride it around town.

Yeah. 49cc is good. I'm a 50cc guy on Mario Kart. Ooh, yeah. It's like a little bit. I like to dominate the competition. All right, Chuckle. Thank you so much. So fun. So interesting. Awesome talks, man. I love your honesty and I love your fucking jokes, dude. That was a fun one, bro. All right, thanks a lot.

Indeed. There he goes. Chuckle, everybody. He's on Twitter at ChuckleStalker. All one word. ChuckleStalker. ChuckleStalker. Yeah. Hi. I'll take it. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, we actually know your next submission. She's been on the show before, ladies and gentlemen. It is the dirty hippie comic, Kirsten Alberts, everyone. Here we go, Kirsten. Kirsten Alberts. What does he know?

First time I ever got to third base, I was 17 and it was with my gynecologist. I was babysitting his kids at the time. Don't worry. He wasn't married. He was just a pedophile. But for real, the gynecologist that I saw was from India. And, you know, people with accents get a little more leeway when they say something inappropriate. So he was giving me a pelvic exam and I was in pain. And he goes, wow, you are very tight. And I was like, yeah, maybe you shouldn't start with your fist.

This isn't one of your bus rides in India, right? But he said the word tight, you know, it just felt icky. You know, like, guys, put yourselves in our position. Imagine you're a 17-year-old boy again and a female doctor's face is right in front of your penis. And she just goes, wow, you're so huge. All right, that doesn't work. Never mind. Yeah, Kirsten Alberts. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Good. I love that little hipster slave boy. You have cooking your meal behind you. We thought it'd be funny to have him cooking eggs. Is he actually cooking? It looks like he's fake cooking. Whoa, look at that. Yeah. I love that. This is his biggest credit to date.

Oh, I love it. Heck yeah. Well, you can't get started without cracking some eggs, you know what I mean? What kind of eggs is he making? Got eggs. Sunny side down. Wow, sunny side down. Geez, what a depressing lifestyle you guys are living over there. My goodness, sunny side down.

Yikes, that says a lot about... Whoa, geez, that's enough salt already, sir Mike. Whoa, what is that, garlic powder? Whoa, we went from no jokes to no yokes. All right, well, so what's up, Kirsten? We know you. You've been on the show before. You're in Los Angeles, right? I live in New York.

What? I live in New York now. Oh, move to New York. If I had to be right now, then New York. Is that true about the finger, the gynecologist? Did he really say that? Yeah, it's true. Wow, that is creepy.

What part of New York do you live in? I live in Brooklyn. Wow, my goodness. Do you ever see any rats around there, like Takashi 6'9 or anything? I see rats in the subway or by the garbage, but I've never seen only mice in the apartment. Oh, okay, yes, all the great things about New York, there you have it. That's what everybody says, it's a city that never sleeps,

that's what they're talking about. What do you do for work in New York? Well, I quit magic as a health insurance claims processor, and I'm a barista at a coffee shop. Oh, okay, Brooklyn's finest right there, and how about the boy toy back there, the old egg maker? Yeah, but that's just my roommate. Oh, sure it is.

He's trying to get in. Let's just say, you know, he's making sure your eggs are salty. Ready to be? Are you happy with the move? Do you think you're going to move back, or do you like it out there so far? I like it here more than LA. It's a lot easier to meet people and get around,

and I just feel like the vibe is less douchey. What part of LA did you live in? Los Feliz. Silver Lake. Go ahead. Burbank? Oh! The doucheiest egg!

You cheered him up. Come on. What part of Burbank did you live in? Douche Boulevard? Where? Douche Boulevard. It was actually Douche Circle, but closed. Oh, well, no.

Where in Burbank did you actually live? Alameda and Victory. Yeah, it was right by there. Wow! I'm calling out. I see. I made up for my bad Eastern Washington guest earlier. I'm calling out fucking cross streets now.

Wait, we were neighbors. Wow. You don't live that close to there, do you? Yeah, Victory. Alameda's pretty close. But I never ran into you. Jesus. Wow.

My goodness. Sunny side down over here. Wow. So, Kirsten, interesting stuff. What does it mean to be bad for saying something mean? When you guys say mean things all the time. We're laughing because you said there's douchebags in Burbank and you lived right next to Redman.

It's funny. We're laughing at Redman. It's rude. It's funny. So, Kirsten, that is very interesting. You paid a lot of rent there, too, huh? It's not too bad. Actually, I have roommates and a dog.

How many roommates do you have there? Stop. Sorry. It's okay. Is that Nacho? Did Nacho run to Brooklyn? That's why she wasn't able to summon Nacho in Calgary earlier. Hey, run to Brooklyn.

We need to make a compilation of all these little moments where I lose my mind. Oh, hey, look at that. Dalmatian. My goodness. How old is he? He's two. But he's been excessively licking his paw

and that's why I yelled. Oh, my goodness. Wow. It's incredible. You're the comedian. Meanwhile, he has more spots than you'll ever have. Dalmatian comedy jokes. I got 101 of them.

Hello, my darling. Hello, my baby. Oh, my goodness gracious. Give me a fucking audience, please. Give me out of here. Me, Jesse Johnson, I'm great friends with Kirsten. We started in Arizona together and I know I had a great character.

I can't keep it a secret anymore. Kirsten, well, you guys know she's been on the show but she's hilarious. Yeah, absolutely. We've had Kirsten on many times and always fun. This is honestly, you know, ever since she moved to New York,

I think her comedy stock has dropped tremendously. No, I'm kidding, Kirsten. Oh, she's not laughing at any of this. I like how New York was easier for you to meet people during the quarantine than Los Angeles was. Yeah, no. You could tell by the coronavirus rates there how easy it is to meet people.

Yeah. Do you know a lot of people that have gotten sick? Just like friends of friends. I don't know anyone who lives in New York. Actually, that's not true, but he doesn't live in New York. He lives in Arizona. Oh.

That seems to be the general consensus of this disease. They might as well name it the friends of friends disease because those are the only people getting it. None of my friends get it. All right, well, fun times. You know anybody that's ever taken a blue chew before? Do you want to? A what?

A blue chew. It's a male enhancer that gets you ready to go. It's chewable. It's gross. Oh. It's like a bone pill. I love it. All right, well, fun times, Kirsten Alberts.

It's good to have you on the show again. Thank you so much for submitting fun times. It's good. Good jokes. And we'll see you soon. All right. Good times. Great times.

Kirsten Alberts, everyone. All right. What is this? Uh-oh. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. Here it is, the chosen one. Perhaps the most powerful regular in the history of the show, a man that needs no introduction, yet I gave him one anyway.

Michael Laird. So why don't you Michael Laird? Here he is, Michael Laird. Wow. There's so much to teach and learn about race, but I want to know why a Puerto Rican is allowed to sing the n-word. Hey, I don't understand.

I mean, I don't want to sing. It's not like if they say, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't think anyone should sing. I mean, it's none of my business who says it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm trying to understand why Puerto Ricans are allowed to say the n-word. We got to stop treating black people like shit. That's why every white lady is uploading every picture

of very African American they know to amplify their voice. My question is, what happens when they run out of pictures? Are white ladies going to gather and trading pictures of African Americans to amplify like humans? Can you buy African American to amplify in jumbo packs? And what happened? I thought white ladies were the reason Trump got elected. How about instead of amplifying African American voices,

you go find those white ladies and you put them in a headlock. Black people have been systematically oppressed since we brought them to this rock and we also steal their shit like rap music. That's why I'm not going to try to be a rapper anymore. My name was Ryan Bedpin. It's a good song. My name is Bedpin.

What's up motherfucker? Hey, hey Brian. So you know, everyone says we look alike. So I thought, for my rod name, since I'm disabled, my Bedpin was perfect. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, do you use a Bedpin sometimes? No, not yet, but let's see by volume 5 of my new book. That's where the over-under is on this.

That is incredible. You already have all that. I love it, absolutely. Hey, I have a question. Go right ahead. Brian Redman, how much ever do I have to put into your show for you to return a fucking text message? Team Hubble's been down all day today. Read the last one. Read it.

Oh shit, you're right. Uh-oh. What does it say? Brian has problems reading. I don't know if you've ever heard any of the ads on the show, but... Yeah, well, he wanted to, he had a question about when we start doing a live show again. Read the last one. Read the last one.

When did you send this message? Friday. The last one. Why is that hard? You're asking on a day in which all cell service gave out in Los Angeles, so it is sort of weird. Because if this is a joke and it ends up being like, hey, I need something, I don't know. All my jokes are grounded in reality. All my jokes are grounded in reality.

That's true. I'm sorry, Michael. Okay, so the last text, Friday at 9.04 p.m. Okay, anything that, say, Chipdell dancers would dance to? What? That's it. Do you want him to play something like that? From my new entrance music. When we go live.

Yes, yes. Yeah, that's why he didn't respond. Because I was like, okay. How hard do I have to work for you? For you to see me with respect? A little harder. Also, Friday at 9.00 p.m. is like prime hammock time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, oh yeah. Hey, by the way, Felicia. How about I dreamed I Cuban. We make a bunch of megalithos. Yeah. Oh, literally. Yo. Yeah.

Yo, Tony. Uh-huh. All right. Now, before the show, a guy pointed the gun at me twice. And I recorded that. I actually, it's funny you mentioned that. The great Gage Tiarina here at Betterbox Studios, along with the great Anthony Strange Taste and Gage Tiarina.

Gage showed me the video and my mind was completely blown. Well, let me see this. He got truly assaulted on, I mean, a gun pointed at him twice. I guess that's assault. Can we play it? It's awesome. Let's play it. This is real.

Shot by Michael Lair. You could tell by the camera shakes. Oh, I knew. Here he is. I believe he was on the show earlier. I believe that's Chuckle. Just kidding. Just kidding, Chuckle.

Show me the clip action. Show me the clip action. Show me you're there. Are you playing? Show me it was awesome. Show me. Party pooper. Oh, no, you didn't.

Party pooper. Set him off. Show me. Party pooper. Right. It's not a bad word. It means that we were having fun and now we're not. Michael's defending the use of party pooper.

Show me. Double birds. You won't see those at the guy's bird feeder online. No doubt. Always the whole day. No doubt. Oh, here it comes. Oh, my God.

Jesus fucking Christ. On my scope, party pooper. I throw the party pooper. That's fucking psycho. Yeah. No, I'm just being matter of fact that I am sick. Dude, if you're fingering me. Wow.

And he starts looking in a car. Wow. That is incredible, Michael. The fuck. My goodness, you are a fucking rock star, dude. Yeah, man. You're goddamn right. Yes, it does.

You're like the 50 cent of kill Tony history. Yeah. Did you call the police about that and send the video to him? Yeah, I was holding him until like I saw him up the block. And I knew that cops were coming. So I was stalling him and right after he walked away, a cop came chasing him by. It is incredible. If you ever need to stall a man with a gun, you just call him a party pooper as he walks away.

And he will walk right back to you. That's fucking scary. Yeah. I'm not scared of anything. Like it was like six flags or what are you calling in Ohio? Cedar Point. King's Island. Yeah.

Why would you say King's Island? Because we have two of the best amusement parks. King's Island is not one of them. It's still pretty good. It's not. No, don't ever do that again. Remember when they had a part of it? If people say Ohio, you say Cedar Point.

Oh, yeah. Well, you already said it. That's like saying who's that great football team that plays college football in Ohio and being like, you talking about the Cincinnati Bearcats? Kids State Cooners. The Zips of Akron? The Penguins of Youngstown State? The Clippers.

It's Cedar Point. Anyway, it's the world's greatest amusement park. Are you guys done or can we get back to me? I'm a very big Cedar Point loyalist. You have to understand. I was raised in Cedar Point. I know what I did at a girl who was like, in love with Cedar Point more than me. Yeah.

No, that makes sense. I mean, your chair goes pretty fast, but it is no top thrill drag story. You know what I'm saying? Right. Right. They have rides that go 240 miles per hour. Right. I understand.

I mean, even with this horse cock, I can't compete with that. Heck, yeah. Girls also must be a certain height to ride that. That's for damn sure. No. No. Oh, any height is good. Oh, yeah.

Would you have sex with a midget girl? Dude, you know I'm going to do porno, and there will probably be with someone who's disabled in some way. Oh, I love this. I need an, I will be your first only fan subscriber for sure. That is going to be great. I hope you do follow through with that. I will watch you fuck anything, Michael.

I hope. Literally, I've never been full of shit about anything. That's why you guys love me. That's true. The only thing full of shit is your future bedpan coming volume five. Hey, Tony. Yeah. If we're going to hang and play and perhaps you can't bring up my sin.

Okay. Deal, dude. You get to call all the shots. Let it be known in the history of this show. Michael gets to make any rules. He gets to do whatever he wants. It's free reign. No.

I've loved all of you so much. Yeah. And tonight was a great episode. Oh, thank you. Yeah. And fucking police. I love Latino chicks. Hell yeah.

That's a real Latina right there. Well, Michael, we love you more than anything in the world. You're a goddamn saint. I was telling people earlier at a pre-show hang how much I adore you and love you. I say it every episode here. I talk about it with everyone that is a part of my life throughout the week and you're an inspiration and just truly one of my favorite comedians on the planet. You know, I'll tell you, I'll share this with you as there was a moment where when I saw

that Chappelle set, I was very lucky. I found it as it came out because I was actually sent it by someone in his inner circle. They're like, check this shit out. And I remember I was like number, I don't know, it doesn't matter. The first people on YouTube to watch it that night that it was released. And I posted about it, which I don't even watch people's specials at all. No matter who it is or anything. I can't, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I watch enough stand-up comedy when I'm about to go on stage at the comedy store or on this show. But the set from Chappelle, I found it to be so compelling and powerful and interesting. Amazing. Amazing. And I posted it. Amazing. I posted it on my Instagram story. And when I did, I put, I found a little one of those gifts that said goat.

And there was a moment where I'm like, the only reason, the only, the only person else other than Chappelle that's a goat to me is you. I thought about you. Well, I mean, I mean, obviously. Different body of bones. In my life. In. And at this time.

No. I'm Tony. Yeah. I'm your favorite racist. Yes. Yes. I texted you back. Fuck you.

There he goes. Michael Lair. We love you. Hey. Look at that. He's throwing up the middle finger. We got one comedian left. Ryan.

Stop. Don't. Ryan. Ryan. Okay. We have one comedian left. Let's blast through it. Ladies and gentlemen, your final submission of the night goes by the name of Robolo.

Here we go. Robolo. Robolo. Robolo. Robolo. Robolo. Robolo. Hey Tony.

Robolo here. And I'm with the Mexican prostitute from Spain. And she's got a joke for you that I wrote for her for you. She has a crush on you, man. All right. Tell the joke. Knock, knock. Who is there?

Eh. Eh who? Epstein didn't kill himself. That's tropical. I like that. No, it's tropical. No, it's tropical. Yeah.

My shirt is tropical. It's confused. All right. Now I've got a joke for you that I wrote for you. It's confused. All right. Now I've got a joke for you that I also wrote myself. I just found out that I was allergic to cats.

They're musical. Guilty. That sucked. I sent it to you to a shitting. There we go. There we go. There it is. Robolo.

Amazing, amazing, amazing stuff. Incredible. Absolutely impressive. I didn't even think perhaps that it was possible to already be doing parodies of Manolo, a person who was sent in two submissions with Mexican prostitutes. However, you absolutely nailed it. Great impression, delivery, production quality, incredible. Great poop.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. That was all from real, real bad diets. You know, so we, that's crazy though. Manolo is definitely a fixture on the show. He like impacted me, you know? Yeah. It's like when, I don't know, it's just, it was a historic moment for these quarantine

episodes. I felt compelled. I'm not compelled to do a lot of things. I wasn't compelled to finish your college. It is impressive that I think only three or four perhaps appearances throughout this quarantine Manolo has had. And yet you absolutely destroyed with a complete minute of comedy, making fun of paying tribute. I mean, paying homage to Manolo.

Yeah, it's no mosh. I don't know if I was going to do an impression right now. I don't know. Hey man, I don't know who that is right there. It was good. It was good. Your timing and delivery was a lot like him. That's great.

So where are you? Where are you? I am in Southern California, Chino Hills. Yeah. Yeah. It's 40 minutes away or so. Crazy man. Yeah.

I actually had one more joke as Manolo. That's the right if I could go right ahead. Absolutely. Okay. This is in the spirit of Robolo. I like to stay hip and listen to all the huge artists like Cardi LB, Ariella Grande and no word play for Lizzo because she's already fat. Hey, I like that.

I like the thrust you did there at the end to get the point across that you were done. Yeah. I got to force in some physical comedy even sitting in a dirty chair, you know. Oh, I love it. I love it. So you're in Chino Hills. What do you do for work? I work at a grocery store.

I push shopping carts. You're a hero. Yeah. You're a potential worker. It's crazy. I've seen people lose their minds. Like the week that the Hanks got it and NBA was done, I saw some guy literally cry like over toilet paper.

He's just losing his shit in the aisles. He's like, I can't do it. I got toilet paper. Yeah. I saw old ladies get pushed over. We have like a security force of sassy ladies now that keeps you in line. We need some arse law in that bitch. Right.

Yeah. That's wild, man. That's unbelievable. Are you born and raised here in Southern California or did you move from somewhere else? Yeah. Raised here. Born in Fresno and lived in Fresno for the first couple of years in my life and then went to another place with agriculture and math.

My dad loves a pick of both. Heck yeah. So what else have you been doing through this wild time to keep yourself entertained? Any other hobbies or anything? I got a rap song. No. I don't know. I don't unfortunately.

But what do you do for fun? You go out or like normally? Yeah. Dude, I went to Popeye's today. Took 45 minutes. Best trip out. No, I've actually got a green screen. I've been doing a podcast on theme parks and it's funny that you talked about the fastest

theme park. I actually know what that is. That was like something that's working out today. It's in Abu Dhabi. And it's, I think it's 129 miles an hour. And it goes to 149 in 08 or four seconds. It's crazy. Is it a magic carpet ride?

Oh yeah, you know it. Oh, someone's at the, sorry, I got, there's someone bugging me right now at the door here. I'm quarantining with like literally 18 people. It's not really quarantining at all. It's like a party. Yeah. We're all, you know, taking turns kissing grandma on the lips and stuff, you know, being conscious.

And then go into the crush. Yeah. So you do, you do, you have a YouTube page of amusement parks, like that you go through and. Well, I'm going to start doing that. Like a mystery science theater, like riff on the rides. So like, because there's another green screen set up. I'm going to start shooting videos where it's like me and someone else like riffing.

And cause there's so many bizarre rides here. Like there was like a Gremlin ride in Germany and like Alf has in it for no reason. Beetlejuice like shits on it or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of bizarre stuff. But yeah, there's a lot of, I didn't know, I didn't, until I started doing this podcast,

there's so many bizarre theme park deaths. Like I had a bit about theme park accidents and I got super morbid. I couldn't really make like this kid got his head decapitated, hilarious. You know, but it's darn ism people fucking dumb. And oh God, this little kid. Hold on one second. I'm sorry. Here comes something.

It's going to be somebody's dick or something. So be prepared to pull out at any given moment. This is the moment of all of this. All the build up here comes down to this giant ball sack that's about to come over the camera. Have your hand on the red button gauge. I repeat, have your hand on the red button. No, no, no. Don't worry.

It's not going to be like faces of death shit. I'm just not going to be a, oh, oh, it's a child. Oh yeah. It's a child. Wow. I never would have guessed that. Yeah. Now he brought a picture of, he brought a picture of everyone's interested in getting a house.

Hit up John Chesky. Yeah. We love John Chesky. Yeah. Dude, he wanted me to roast him. I'm not used to, it's usually the other way around cause I'm a big goof, but he, hey John, way to pick a career in a pandemic pal. I'm not, that's not my style.

I love that picture of him. I didn't realize that he had passed away and they're handing out his funeral. We don't have a colored ink. Oh, there's like a part of my French. There's poison ivy right here. Oh. Rebolo, I just realized, I just realized that you've been on this show numerous times. I've now made the connection.

Yeah. It's been, it's been a couple of years. Last time I was on, I was all peeled up into a purple suit and ate a bag of dicks in front of Too Short. Yeah. But Adderall, man. It's like a sirs or a sin. That is very much like Adderall.

That's right. Yeah. It's legal. I love that. Is that your kid? Should I make a Rebolo joke? I got in a new field. Have you heard of Jeff?

No, I'm just kidding. This is not. That was bad. I'll leave that for the Zoom show that my aunt will be watching later when I have a gun in my mouth. No, this is, got real dark there. We tickled a boy for me. No, let him on.

Let him on. He's hilarious. Yeah. He is. Hey. Hey, what, what do you want to be when you grow up? Uh, George. George?

George Brez? Yeah. George Washington. Boy George. Actually, he wants, he wants to be a wrestler dog. He's brought this in. Oh, yeah. He's got, uh, he's got John Leguizamo here.

Oh yeah. That is John Leguizamo. Is that Luigi? Dude, this, this was an Ivy. Like, I don't know, dude. I don't know this, this thing. I, I discovered I was a boy to this thing. Oh, the Joker right there.

Look at that. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's a cool version of the Joker. Yellow pants, orange jacket. Very cool. Yeah. Pretty fly.

Oh man. Yeah. Can we do this for 45 minutes, please? Okay. No. This is the, this is a special show and tell episode of Kill Tony. And I absolutely love it.

What a great way to end it. Thank you so much. This was awesome. Yeah. Rock and roll. Look at that little set of people. My goodness. Look at this.

Absolutely. Thank you, judge. Thank you. There's an actual judge there. Judge Al Madrigal. Ladies and gentlemen. Right there. In the flesh.

All right. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Thank you. There you go. Heck yeah. There he goes. He's Robolo.

He's a Robert Land pod. Robert Land. Yeah. All one word on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone. Remind me. What's your actual name again? Where is? Robert Thomson. Yeah. Robert Thompson. Thank you so much Robert.

And again, thank you to the, what appears to be angry judge in the back of the room angry. Al magical. Yes. That is. Incredible. All right. There you go.

Thank you guys. Fun times. All right. Well, there you go. What am I missing here? Another, another fun episode of kill Tony. Get your candle at damn good code.com. Dates coming up Miami, Boston, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth,

Salt Lake City, Austin, Toronto, Bakersfield, Sacramento, San Francisco, Tacoma and DC all in 2020. Oh yes. That's what it is. Ryan J. Belt, the drawing from Ryan J. Belt. Everybody.

Oh my. That's adorable. Look at that. Nice. And incredible. Almost like a, it's funny because there was just a bunch of little action figures there and this reminds me of like an action figure was pop. Yeah.

Pop toys. Yeah. That is so cool. You got Felicia there on a Mexican skateboard. William with a barrel. Me with a sword. You got Michael lair rocking it. Absolutely destroying with his patented headband.

Red band behind the iPad and the fire breathing dragon of that is David Lucas. Absolutely. That's great. That's roasting. Ryan J. Belt. Com. A lot of kill Tony stuff is on sale.

He has prints of every show in the book. Check out the book. That was fun. Roasting with David Lucas and that whole crew of characters there, which reminds me, we just dropped an episode of roast master class on my Patreon, which is I believe an hour and a half or two hours of me and Donnell Rawlings talking about the history of comedy and absolutely cracking each other up really just him cracking me up to be completely honest with you.

But the entire episodes mind boggling hilarious and God, he is a superstar. So that's a lot of fun. That's happening. And hey, the band, the one, you've heard of one man band. This is the one lady band. The great Jetski Jesse Johnson came through strong tonight as Felicia Jimenez. What else is going on Jetski? Just glad to be a part of this.

Have something to do. Keep me sane. Thank you guys. Thank you all for watching. Follower at Jetski Johnson. And yeah, thank you to Vito's Pizza. Got us all stuffed up tonight on some amazing, amazing pizza. Vito's is everywhere here all around the Los Angeles area, West Hollywood, Santa Monica,

a bunch of different places. You can submit to the show. This is it. I believe we're coming around the final corner here. I mean, we could possibly only have, I don't know, a few weeks left of this is my guess. So this might be your last chance. If you can't travel to Los Angeles to submit for the show, be creative. As you see, the stakes are starting to raise.

Three months ago, it was just people in a fucking dark closet doing bits to their cell phone. Now we have guys in outer space, space station sending in. So submit those videos to killtonyquarantine at gmail.com and keep your fingers crossed. Hope for a response. All right. Thank you. Check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. We just had Alonzo Bowden and a bunch of cool people on the last episode.

We also have Brothers in Cursive. Probably going to do an episode this week without David Lucas. I was trying to get Quincy weekly or anyone that was David Lucas-ish to size, size-wise. David Lucas-ish lives matter. You could go to Desquad.TV for all that. Check it out and check out my VR show, virtual red band, like five times a week. Yeah. Good night, everybody.

Thanks to Gage and Anthony and the whole crew. Thank you.