KILL TONY - KT #460 – QUARANTINED #15

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/22/2020 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Visit AdamandEve.com and get 50% off just about any item plus 10 FREE GIFTS! when use our special promo code [killtony] — Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout!

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website desksquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You can also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of news shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st, then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th.

Then we have Kill Tony Mania, it returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th, San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th and 18th, and then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to desksquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com, that's the official website of Tony HinchCliff and he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he drew the book, he

has posters and he has a huge sale going on right now, so go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Desquad universe and you also have the Kill Tony shirt there, go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the beautiful in-crowd studio for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony HinchCliff. Here we are, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, how crazy is this? Look at this.

Absolutely stunning. We are here at a place called in-crowd studio, they're on Instagram, at in-crowd comedy, all one word and they were nice enough to let us do a little wild and crazy super show here, as you could tell by this backdrop and the great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everybody as always in studio with his own beautiful setup. This is absolutely incredible and we're excited to be here, I'm telling you, we're gonna have some fun. A lot of people might not even know what we're looking at, pretty much an oval, like we're

in a circle of LCD screens, this in the background is a huge LCD screen. Yep, we are not at the comedy store, believe it or not, shockingly enough. However, it does have a taste of home here, we had some delicious Vitos pizza before this, we had our caveman coffee, everything feels like we're, this is the closest to the comedy store we've been in months, which is absolutely crazy. I wanna sleep here. I know, it's amazing. We're going on the road too, a bunch of dates coming up supposedly, Miami and other things

coming up, TonyHinchClip.com, DeathSquad.tv, you can find that all there and yeah, Ryan J. Ebelt's drawing tonight's episode, we're gonna check in with him later on and this episode tonight is brought to you by Adam and Eve, the number one adult toy super store, Auga Indeed, Adam and Eve says the best part of staying home is playing at home, you know about this company. Oh yeah, this is where I go, this is my go-to place, I've already used them many times to get toys for my partner, which is a female, and they have everything you want. I get dildos and booty holes.

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All right, so we're in the show, live from in crowd studios, and let's jump right into it, we have a band on the show, every single episode they commit to being different characters, and we never know what they're going to be, maybe it's the return of famous characters that we've seen before, maybe it's their first time breaking in brand new characters, Jeremiah is not going to be with us here tonight, he's coming back from a little trip, but we- And boy is he going to be upset. What the rest of the band is here, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, it is the Kill Tony band, Joel Berjol Jimenez and Jet Ski Jesse

Johnson, whoa, oh my goodness, oh wow, no permit, no barbecue, live, laugh, love, they are Karens everybody, I know these characters for sure, these are Karens, absolutely. Oh my God, is there a permit for this fucking show, what is happening? There is, and what are you going to do about it? I'm calling the cops right now, and I know the code and everything, hello officers. Wow, that was quick, straight to officers, you didn't even have to talk to an officer. Yeah, I'm white, you didn't know that, we have our own special phone line. Oh my goodness, so you're Karen, I'm guessing, right?

Yeah, don't fuck it up ever again. Well, who's this young lady over here then? Hello, I'm also Karen. Oh, Karen and Karen. And I'm also a Pult. Oh, what are you mad about? Everything. Oh my goodness.

Crotchless panties, what's the point? Well, you can actually get crotchless panties right now at Adam and Eve by using the promo code KillToni. That's the only thing I liked about this was Adam and Eve, because it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I did like that as well. Oh my goodness, Karens, you guys are out of control. What part of the country do you guys live in, LA?

America. Yeah, America, I was going to say the same thing. Wow. Karen looks like a squirter. They're both Karen, which one are you talking about? I don't even know what that means. I don't even know what that means. I'm talking about the one on the drums right now.

Yeah, because you can't make those jokes anymore to actual women, you have to pick up all of our jokes on women tonight are dedicated to this Karen. I am an actual woman because men are bullying females. You guys know about this? On American men, OK, so we are going to be joined by Karen's all night and we have an incredible setup to where we'll be watching the videos and everything like that. A bunch of people set in sets and we'll get to meet them, talk with them, find out more about them, blah, blah, blah.

You know how this works. If you're watching these quarantine episodes, you definitely know how the show usually works. So let's just jump right into it, shall we? Your first submission tonight, I have it on my phone. I took a picture of the lineup, we went digital tonight. So let's just jump right into it, watching a submission. Your first performer of the night goes by the name of April Waltershed, Waltershed. Here we go.

Hey, all right, here's April Waltershed, everybody. And here we go. Hi, my name is April Waltershed and I really like meditating a lot. I love the peacefulness of it. So I thought I'd read a meditation as Gilbert Godfried. Close your eyes and bring yourself to a calm, quiet place in your mind. Just stay here and relax, relax just for a few moments. Breathe deeply and comfortably and notice how amazing the sound of your breath is.

Just listen as the air moves in and out, in and out. It is quiet and it is beautiful. I'm sure you can feel the peace that surrounds you now while you lie in the dark alone in your bed in quarantine. Nobody cares about you, you will never find anyone to marry. Don't even worry about it. I hope you have enjoyed the meditation and you feel that peace. Thank you very much.

All right, April Waltershed. Getting tonight started. Wow. Hello, April. How are you? Can you hear us all right? I can. It's Waltershed.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to be a Karen, my keeper here tonight. So I'm going to be a Karen. Oh, I love that. That is true. There's three of you all around us. We have an opening. You're welcome to join us at any time.

Can you play the saxophone? Well, you're amazing that you can play the saxophone. Do you play any musical instruments, April? I dabble in drums. I know what's playing. Like I know what they're playing on the drums, like if I can't replicate it. You look like you know how to play the cats. Yeah.

I'm allergic, but I'll play it. Oh, you're allergic to cats? Yeah, but it doesn't mean I didn't have any growing up. Oh, yeah. And I just do it right on allergy meds as much as possible. Absolutely. You know, I was covering your face with my hands just to look at your actual face so I couldn't see your hair while you were doing that in pressure.

You look exactly like him. That's pretty crazy. Right now you don't. But when you're doing it, it was incredible. Even the physical part of the impression was spot on. I personally was insulted that you did an impression of the great Gilbert Godfrey. Then I just want to say that it's nice this week that an older female comedian is insulting and taking advantage of younger male comedians.

That was the saddest rim shot I've ever gotten in my life. Say, April, where are you? Um, some from Phoenix for Jesse's from. And I moved to Burbank right when quarantine started. So right at the right time. Follow my dream. That's incredible. You're probably extremely close to us right now.

Yeah. I was like Alameda and victory. Yeah. That my goodness, I don't want to give anything away. That's not where we are, but that's where someone. Yeah, we are neighbors. Wow, that's incredible. What do you do for work?

All right, now I had a job with finance, a finance guy. And then he's all he's kind of like Trump, but for finance is really into himself. And you know that Trump is into finance, right? Yeah, and the and he's obsessed with suing and all that. I guess that's part of it. But yeah, I went with him just all about himself. He doesn't care who has to throw under the bus. You know, so my hours are cut.

So I'm going to get the job done. Oh, that's right, right? So you don't work for that guy anymore? I do. But like, what do you do now? You're just mostly focusing on your Etsy. I'm focusing on Etsy. You really are?

I should. I'm focusing on the Patreon aspect and the Pinterest aspects of life. Yeah, what are you doing on those forums on Patreon? I'm posting more impressions of Gilbert Gottfried, because I guess I heard one time I did that impression at an open mic online and one of the comedians was like, everybody does that. And I'm like, OK, but some posting more of those videos, though. And then Cardi B impressions.

Oh, wow. Can we see a little bit of a Cardi B impression? Yeah, I haven't really practiced one much, but I was going to do Cardi. I'll do my vegan breakfast, Cardi B. Then I'll go into something I do as her. So here's Cardi B, like as a vegan. Well, Nicki Minaj and I, we don't have beef. We have kale.

So like that's more like Elmo meets like Cardi B. Tony. Yeah, I love this. I don't get people are offended when when a white woman does an impression of a person of color. I love it. I'm for it. It's not appropriation. It's appreciation. I love what you're doing.

Honestly, you can join us any day of the week. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just didn't like Elmo because I heard he's gay. And the guy who does his voice is black. That's incredible. I didn't know. Well, here's the other one I'm working on.

It's not perfect yet, but it's Cardi B as dial-up internet, so. People. Oh, OK, I get it. I get it. Yeah, that's enough. I hope so. I didn't know. Maybe you were maybe you had a big punchline come in there, but I wanted to stop you. No, that's good. That's good.

That's probably surprises people. I get the I get the feeling that your fan base probably doesn't know much about who Cardi B is. Maybe if I'm 35 and I turn 35 and quarantine, I don't have boobs yet. So, yeah, they probably are all like they're all six year old men. So they may not even know. What was your last post on the on Nextdoor? Oh, man, my last post on Nextdoor was that.

Oh, my vibrator actually got stolen. So if anyone's seen it. No, you didn't. You really did that. But it's true. Yeah, my brother was stolen by like a maintenance guy, like the maintenance guy's assistant. Yeah, I think I think it got. Mexican most likely.

Oh, shit. But like when I first moved in, this isn't Phoenix. When I first moved in, somebody just stole my I have like a little TV and someone stole the remote to that. And I'm like, do you need it that bad? But your remote to your TV was a dildo. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Do you really think someone stole your dildo?

I actually moved from that place in Phoenix. I found it. So I'm pretty sure I only kept it in two places and it's not. I think we know what those two places are. Have you farted lately? Oh, man, I farted at my Roku started. By the way, you could just go to Adam and Eve and get a new one. I queefed and Hulu came on. That's right. Wow.

That's incredible. So what else about your life? Any other crazy fun facts that we would we would find interesting about April? What Walter shed? Is it Sheeter shed? Oh, Shide. Shide. Walter Shide. Yikes. Yeah, not exactly a name built for show business.

No, it's like Gallifanakis. It's like learn it or don't, I guess. Right. But I get called Walter shit. So that's a fun one. And I see people get struck by lightning as a child. And do you think you did perhaps had something to do with that? Did you have mind power? Do you think? Which like seven year old Karen mind powers back then.

Huh. White power, you might call it. How many people did you see get struck by lightning? It was like three people. It was all over the news and Tucson on Mount Lemmon. And now I'm scared of mountains that are Mount Lemmon. Oh, they're fine. Well, that's the sound of someone being electrocuted. Is that what it sounded like when you saw it? Wow.

More like more like. Oh, my goodness, like everybody. Wow, so much energy. No, I'm so nervous all the time. That's so interesting. All right, April, are you you have a husband, a boyfriend or something? No, I'm vegan. I can't get in.

Oh, my goodness. Nothing worse than being single and losing your dildo. Take it from me. I know. I tried to be a vegan. I couldn't stomach all the cum. Wow. Red ban. Welcome to another episode of Running His Bits.

Trying to remember my bit. There's nowhere else to do it, Tony. There's nowhere else to do it. Brian's bits are what this lady's dildos are. Hidden in some drawer right now. Vegans can't have come because it's an animal byproduct. Yeah, we can't. But vegan ladies who are who have kids

like breastfeed their kids and that's vegan. So I don't know how that works. That's interesting. We should lock them up. You know what? I think these carons have a new thing to protest about. Yeah, breastfeeding. Yuck.

Yeah, I do it in private. That's all I care about. You might have to do it in public. That's disgusting. What do you got there? What are those are some interesting. Keep your hands away from me. Oh, my God, who works here?

All right, all right, all right. Well, well, April, thank you so much for submitting in. You're a fun character and we'll see you soon. Hopefully when the store opens up, you can make the trip over from Alameda and victory. Yeah, I think I know somebody that'll give you a ride. Yeah, I see you at Blink Fitness. You can you can bring her on your on your motorized.

Yeah, it does. It fits too. I love it. All right, there she goes. Thank you. Thank you so much. April Walter, what was it? Shied April O'Neill on Instagram. Or social media, perhaps of some kind.

Heck, yeah, we're having fun. This is all working. What a good Gilbert face that was, too. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was a face app. That was incredible. You know about that, Karen? Oh, I know about it.

What social media apps are you on? All of them because I'm trying to stand formed and tell everybody what they're doing is wrong. How about you? Are you on the social media? Everything. Trump's the gram, White's the gram. OK, Hitler's the gram.

OK, cancel all barbecues, the gram. All the stagrants. All right, Karen's. Your next submission goes by the name of Dylan Albright. So the band is going to play some music. Watch out for it. She'll cheer you up. Oh, there she goes.

All right, here is Dylan Albright. Hi. Whoa. Holy shit. She does a Dylan Albright impression. I've noticed that. Three or four clowns running on one collective timer. And we'll see how good they do under pressure.

I'm holding up a gun. You can't doubt it. We're going to bring up throne number one. We're, uh, you guys ever met a gay clone? And then, uh, tied him behind your, uh, tied him behind your truck? No homophobicness here. All right, guys, let's bring up clone number two.

Actually, it's homophobia. Don't correct me, bitch. They don't know. All right, guys, let's go ahead and bring up clone number Look at you, you piece of shit. You're supposed to be, what, a parody of Tony Hinchcliffe? Is this all Dylan can, is this what you find funny? Is this what all of you, is this what you,

is this what you find funny, huh? Any of you guys, huh? No, I didn't think so. Yeah, fuck you, cloney. Look at your stupid suit jacket. You look like more of a lesbian than Tony Hinchcliffe. What the fuck is that? Take that shit off.

Was that, hold on, that belonged to a dying relative? You fucking daddy die? Yeah, do daddy die in that good? Because nobody should have fucking lived with themselves in that goddamn awful jacket. Take that shit off. Man, other than that, if you guys ever heard about a... Oh, last time.

There it is, Dylan Albright. All right, hello, Dylan, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Hi, Dylan, that was fun. Kill cloney with a bunch of clones of yourself. That's way to fucking make something out of this crazy quarantine time. Oh, yeah, I've had nothing to do

except for just collect unemployment, smoke weed. I love it. Where are we talking to you from? Where are you? Northern Michigan. Northern Michigan, I had a feeling. I get these Northern vibes sometimes. Yeah, you can feel it.

I can really feel it. And you're in your garage? My parents' garage, actually. I'm sure, I don't know if you picked up on that one, too, but yeah. Yeah, no, I have a feeling that you... Doesn't that look like a regular Northern Michigan, though? Isn't that what mostly Michigan bedrooms usually?

A lot of the bedrooms, they consider one bedroom with one garage or two bedroom in Northern Michigan. Hey, and that's the only thing keeping me from moving out. How far north are we talking? West Branch. West Branch, it's such a fucking small town. Is it near Traverse City? It's about a couple hours away from Traverse City, yeah.

Okay, I've been to Traverse City before. It was fun. All right, so what do you do for work up there? Right now, I'm a security guard at a campground. So, like I said, good old Northern Michigan trash. You seem like you'd be a cool security guard at a campground, though. That is such an important job.

When you go camping, you wanna make sure the vibes are cool and that there's a dude there. You ever bust anybody for anything? Are you just trying to get a little, hit a weed here and there? Yeah, I'm just really trying to make enough hours to where I can still rake in some of this quarantine unemployment and just fucking live it up.

I live it up. I mean, live up my parent's house. What do you usually do for real? You just keep an eye on all the boys and stuff? Like, what do you do? Yeah, only the boys. I use a security guard for a campground. You know what happens at a campground, Brian?

How used to go? Are you talking about Cub Scouts? Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts? Yeah, that's not really what happens at a campground. I don't go near them. Too many black bears, honestly. You ever go camping? You don't seem like a very campy type.

I've been camping. I have two tents. Oh, you have tents and roller blades and a bicycle. This is incredible, this stuff is happening. I'm not hamming, I'm making a kayak. Yeah, I've been, I used to go to summer camp every year. Two tents, one man. Weeks.

Wait, you went to summer camp every year for weeks. When are we talking about, though? We're talking about 30 years ago. Are you talking about 35 years ago? Oh, I mean, recently, I haven't gone in LA. You still have your tents from Cub Scouts? No, I bought one to go camping on the beach once, but we got there and it was too sketchy.

Really, was that up north of Malibu? That place is unbelievably awesome. You totally should have done it. Yeah, the night we were there, it was really sketchy. Oh, that sucks. Like, windy and... People smoke in marijuana? Yeah, loud as it is there.

No, it was like really windy, like the weather sketchy. Hip hop. You needed this security guard to keep an eye on the sketchy characters for you. Can I just say, I like this guy, he looks like he writes a great manifesto. Hey, exactly, I'm actually pretty sure, I'm pretty sure I'm Jewish.

So, I know how the parents are feeling now. It's okay? That's okay. As long as it's white, right? I like this guy too, because sometimes I feel like a security guard. You know, I see things that aren't right and I'll insert myself and...

Report to the police. You know, put myself on the line. So, if there were some sketchy characters at the campsite that Red Band was trying to camp at, how would you go and bust them? What would you say to them to wrangle them up? Can you give us an example? Can you do an impression of yourself

doing what you do for work? Hey. Yeah? This guy's messing with my friend. Wait, what? Your friends with that guy? Yeah, I'm a friend with... Yeah.

That guy. I just sucked him off about 10 minutes ago. Oh, Jesus. Brian, I had no idea. He wants to go in the jamboree. He has to, you know... Yeah, he actually likes Blumpkins. Okay, so I was cleaning the outhouse.

He was in there before I was about to clean it. Came back around, he was still in there about 20 minutes later. I'm gonna go to the camps on this one. I'm gonna cut you off. Are you trying to kill Brian with laughter by saying the word Blumpkin? He almost died.

That's a salt. Yeah, a Blumpkin. It's not even Halloween. They're not even in season. Blumpkin is also Red Band's password for everything that he logs into, so. Blumpkin69420. Blumpkin69420.

I realized when... Yeah, it doesn't matter. So what else? What do you do for fun, Dylan? I actually, I do stand up, but like right now, obviously not really, not doing it too much, but trying to, you know, Michigan's sort of opening back up.

It's a tight, it's a tight, it's a tight crevice. It's opening up. How long even would it stand up for? About like a little over a year? I'm gonna say a little over a year, but I don't wanna say a year and a half because half the fucking year, you know? It's gone, it feels like so.

I'm just gonna say a little over a year. Who's your favorite comedian that you've seen live? Ooh, that's a tough one. Have you seen any live shows? I have not seen any, I wouldn't say anybody relevant live. I've mostly been to, I guess I've started grinding out on open mics.

Right, no, that makes sense. You'd have to buy a ticket to see somebody good live. Yeah, because, yeah, I'm kind of far out from Detroit. You don't seem like you're in the ticket buying business. You look like Louis Cheesecake. Whoa, that would make sense if cake began with a cake. I rubbed my dick in the cheesecake too. Cake makes sense, I guess it makes sense.

Louis Cheesecake. So you've never gone to see like a comedian live, like a legit comedian? No, actually, it's just so far, I feel like, I mean, there's a couple, I was gonna see Dave Landau a couple months ago, I guess, before things kind of clamped down, but he was in Bay City,

just like about an hour out of a moment. Michael Moore used to do his own comedy festival in Traverse City, that's actually why I was there. Oh, okay. That's where I got to meet, actually open up for and meet Sinbad, six, seven, eight years ago, something like that. And I had a blast, that was incredible.

I remember that night, and I probably talked about this when he was on the show years ago, but Sinbad was one of those ones, because it was a festival where I had to, I had another show after opening for him, so I'm like, okay, but I'm gonna watch a little bit of Sinbad from the back of the room before running to that show,

and my mind was completely blown. I was expecting Sinbad to be like very jokey, do a set, probably not up to date, and he was literally like, what else do you guys wanna talk about? And someone would be like, Clorox, and he'd be like, boom, boom, boom, boom, jokes,

instead of saying boom, boom, boom, boom. That's one of my next adventures, once I can get into some open mics again, I'm gonna try to hit up some actual shows. That you're gonna say talking about Clorox. Yeah. Oh, no. You guys have any bleach jokes?

You wash a lot of clothes. Drink it, it's good for you. Oh. That's right, that's what the president says, it's gonna solve all of our problems. All right. What's your mom like, Dylan? Is your mom a Karen? Yeah, I guess a little bit.

She's, yeah, she's a little bit of a Karen. She's a, you know, a little really Christian, you know? You know, kind of Christian, she's very offended by swear words. So, you know, I gotta watch my fucks, and my cunts, and my dicks, and my cocks. Whoa, whoa, whoa, my goodness, gracious. I'm sorry.

Again, your red band's about to sign a check to you, and just send it to you if you keep saying words like that. All right. Why would I do that? You like dirty words. All right, it comes in, he's like, I adopted a kid, guys, you're not gonna believe it. He was living in a garage in Northern Michigan.

It was love at first, Blumkin. We're going camping next weekend. It's got two tents, you have enough tents for it. Well, yeah, I would only need one now. That's true. Whoa. I'll secure you, I'll secure you, red band. Yeah, I'm sure you would.

You look, you look very comfortable. Oh my goodness, I'm very comfortable. Well, Dylan, thanks for your submission, man, hopefully we'll be in Detroit again soon, and maybe you can swing by, come say hi. Right on. All right, there he is. There's a good one.

Dylan Albright, everyone. Dylan, watch out, boy, chill, chew you up. Cause she's a man-eater. You know, I was thinking, I've never thought of my mom as a Karen before, but when you came out, you came out with a sign that said, live, laugh, love, and my mom does have that absolutely everywhere

in her house. That is a very Karen quality about her that I never realized. She's very pro swear words. She's very dirty and edgy or whatever, but that live, laugh, love. She's got a little dose of Karen. She wouldn't call the cops on anybody

if her life depended on it. She's a very street. Whoa, what's going on over here, Karen? I don't need the male gaze staring at me right now. I'd appreciate it. What were you just doing with your breasts? Whatever the hell I want. Oh, what if you just ask her?

Oh, I guess I can't ask that anymore. No. Did you even say? Police? Hello? Oh my God, how did they pick up so fast? They're on, they're waiting. Are you on walkie-talkie? She's on the Karen line.

All right. I'm on whitey-tidy. Ooh, la-la, okay. Well, we have a, this is the part of the show where we get to check in with one of our regulars, one of our favorite human beings on the planet. It is time for William Montgomery. Okay.

William Montgomery, Montgomery, Montgomery. Here he is, William Montgomery. How are you, William? You're a man, God. First off, I want to say happy Father's Day to all the Virgin incels. Dude, why do you have a giant collection of feet that is my impression of me walking into a foot locker?

Please direct me to the nearest foot locker that is my impression of a cannibal walking into a shopping mall. Why was Santa Claus at the shopping mall in July? He has Alzheimer's. Are they filming a protest or an N1 mixtape? It's a nightmare that Bert Kreiser is stealing my use of saying the word nightmare as I do.

What's your take on that one? I just saw that. Tony just showed me that. That's pretty weird. I want to see proof that he did that five years ago. Let's go. Go ahead, William. What are you saying?

It sounds just like me. What I'm saying is I discovered this past week, I could put my mushrooms in my inhaler and I'll be quite frank with you all, I've been eating a bunch of the Jamaican chocolate. It's called almond joy. You did it again. I've been climbing a bunch of Magnolia trees down south.

Yeah, I climbed trees. What a boob. Wait, what? Can you do the punchline again? I didn't hear it. Hey, what's up, y'all? I've been eating a bunch of almond joys. No, but just the Magnolia trees.

And trees a bunch recently. I apologize, y'all. I've been eating almond joys. I fell out these trees. Oh, there wasn't. There wasn't a punchline. That's why I got confused. What do you mean?

What does that mean, Tony? I'll be quite frank. I apologize for the jokes I said last week. My YouTube page is now AWOL. Yeah, that is true. William Montgomery's YouTube page got... Do you take responsibility? Can you say that in English, you piece of shit?

I take responsibility. Oh, someone takes responsibility for you. Yeah, do you also? Do you take responsibility? Yeah, that was really funny of that piece of shit to do that. Was that yonder wisdom? I take responsibility. Someone else takes responsibility

for your YouTube page, it turns out. I take responsibility. Wow, that is, without a doubt, that is Aaron Paul, right? Is that his name? Yeah. From Breaking Bad and... I take responsibility.

It sounds like the guy from Breaking Bad is taking responsibility for your YouTube page. Just me and he and me, just in Jamaica, we're at the Mars candy bar factory. And he's like, hey, are you gonna take these? And I'm like, yeah, these are called all-bij woods. And he just says, hey, what are you talking about? We in Jamaica.

Oh, that's a great impression. We had Gilbert Gottfried impressions earlier, but your Jamaican is perfect. Yeah, I don't like it. Who said that? There's just something about Jamaica that I don't like. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it.

It's not America. What are you talking about? It's not America, you're right. That's it. There's just something about it. I just feel like if I was there, I'd feel outnumbered at the time. William, where are you?

Are you on the usual back porch that you're usually on? I totally am. Hey, Tony, you know I don't normally do this, but can I tell my best Jamaican joke? Absolutely. We would love to hear your best Jamaican joke. Here it is. I'll just picture me at showtime at the Apollo.

Just the clown. I'm looking at him on the side of the curtains. I just put my hands on the log and I open up with us. The corner break guy! You crackin' a corner break! That is a book I'm working on about an American code breaker that goes down to Jamaica to crack

the code, the biggest code Jamaica's ever seen. And in the middle of the guy cracking the code, a Jamaican guy taps his shoulder and he says, the corner break guy! You crackin' a corner break! That last part where it sort of trickles out, is that what you think Jamaican sound like? You could say that, Tony.

Okay, all right, well that's cool. This episode is brought to you by Adam and Eve. Have you ever used any sex toys for real, William? You make up a lot of stories, but a genuine question. I can see your face just got very serious and I am expecting a very serious answer. I grew up putting balloons in my bottom. Your balloons?

Were they blown up already? Or were they just unblown up rubber balloons? They were the long balloons that you blow up and there's a hand thing on it. You bop them with your fist. I used to put them things so far in my butt. Hey, Red Band, did you just do that dumb ass noise? Yeah, I did.

Your girlfriend gave it to me for free. But I put two in your asshole. You bitch. You wish you could fit two in my asshole. You can't even fit your pinky in my asshole. Yeah, I wish I could see your asshole. I wish I could see your asshole. I wanna see it.

I wanna watch you come over right now, look at it. Oh my God. Okay, we'll go in the bathroom. We'll go in the bathroom. Again, bitch. You guys are so weird. I wanna spread those cheeks. Clean it for me, will you?

Oh, God. Yeah, I'd love to clean it for you. Please, bring it. Oh my God. I wanna touch your butt hole. I feel like it looks big. What would a Jamaican guy say if he saw Red Band's butt hole?

Oh, run away. Wait, that's Jamaican? Run away, you cracker of code, code breaker, run away. He only knows how to say code breaker in Jamaican. You code breaker. You cracker of code, run away. What else has been going on with you this week? I think climbing up trees, dude.

How far up a tree have you gotten, and are there any pictures of this? There are two stories up at Magnolia, off of Magnolia Avenue, that's a street up here for all of my Filipino listeners. Yeah. It actually, yeah, it has some Magnolias. I get probably 30 feet off the ground,

and then I can't read the whole box. Is there a tree in the backyard that you can put your phone down and set it down so you can watch it? Can you say that a little slower, you bitch? Is there a tree in your back that you can climb up that we can watch? Can you climb a tree in my backyard?

Dude, shut the fuck up. Can you climb a tree right now? Can you have somebody hold the phone while you climb a tree because that would be podcast history. I guarantee you that in the history of not only this show, but in the history of podcasts, there's no way anybody's ever climbed a tree live. Will you please do that for us?

Climbing a tree? Yes, will you climb a tree right now? You know, we improvise these things on this show. So I'm asking you if that's something you'd be willing to do. Yes, here we go. This is podcast history, ladies and gentlemen. This is like when JFK was shot and they went live to whoever that newscaster guy was.

He's about to climb a tree without a permit. Oh my God. Yes, it's okay, Karen. This is very exciting. It looks like Americans. I think we should get a little bit emotional here for a second and I'm going to tell you that when this quarantine started

and us being the only podcast that is naturally and always organically filmed in front of a live audience, that we thought that this could be our downfall and obviously clearly our show has taken a hit at stock without having a live audience. We can't do as edgy of jokes as we would like to do because we always rationalized it on a crowd laughing. We thought it was our downfall,

but when you never give up and you continue to strive in this business, magical things can happen and this right now for the first time. In podcast history, is a man climbing a tree and that man is William Montgomery. How's it going, y'all? I'm probably five stories up. Like.

That's it. You can't go any farther. Go further for our audience. Come on, you are streaming now to thousands of people. That's as high as you're going to go. Police, there is an orangutan in the tree in my front yard right now. Please, somebody get here or I'm going to shoot it.

Keep going, William. You can do it. We believe in you. We believe in you. This is the highlight of the quarantine for Kiltony. The only place to go is up. Can the cameraman step back a bit because we're not convinced that you are even really,

can you get the ground in the shot, cameraman? Whoa, okay, he's way up there. Hey, what's up, y'all? I'm probably five stories up. Five stories? Yeah. My goodness, this is incredible. You know what else has never happened?

No one's ever fallen out of a tree before in podcast history. We're on the back. I think you can break the code if you know what I'm saying. All right, my foot is stuck. It's just fun. But my foot does hurt.

Wow, this is like if cops was brought back for just one night. I believe it, he's five stories up. White men never lie, he's up there. Yeah, for sure. I'm trying to get down. Cameraman, back up so we can see him fall. Yeah, come on, cameraman.

We don't need a close-up right now. Oh my goodness, at least he's down to like three or four stories. Oh, there he is, wow. William Montgomery podcast history. What's up, y'all? Is there anything you wanna say to the people after you just were the first man

to climb a tree live and killed in podcast history? How's it going, y'all? Y'all listen to 4,000 degrees by Juvenile. I'm on one of the tracks. Oh, I didn't know that, what part are you? Oh my goodness. Oh, God. All right, there he is, MC open wound.

All right, there he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. We love you, William, great job tonight. Yeah, that was great. Trying our best to get through it. That was a highlight, it's so fun. Climb in a tree. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next submission comes from a great young man

who we actually know. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kelsey Hudgens. Here we go. I came in like a wrecking ball. Here's Kelsey Hudgens, everybody. Kelsey. You ever walk in the Walmart and see the self-checkouts are closed

and then just walk the fuck out? So I really like McDonald's a lot. I'm really glad that they got rid of the play places because technically those count as a park and I'm not allowed, we're then 50 feet of one. I sometimes get really nervous at the drive-through at the bank and just order four McDoubles. I realized that there are two seasons in my life.

There's coin star season and there's cornstarch season because if I'm not using one, I'm using the other one. I also realized that I was becoming more of an adult when the powder in my life switched from cocaine in my nose to cornstarch on my balls. My safe word is rape. That's great. A minute from Kelsey Hudgens, king ball.

He came in like a wrecking ball. What's up, buddy? Hi, Kelsey. Hey, buddy. How are you, man? Outstanding. How are you? I love it.

That was great. This is who I am. One of the guys I play virtual reality with every single night. I know this guy. It's true. Like four hours, five hours. That's great.

Sometimes I check in on you over there. Which character are you? Yonder Wizard. I'm the Merlin. Yeah, he's like a big wizard. Okay. He looks like a Disney character wizard. All right, I sometimes check in on you.

I was watching you guys fly off of like an aircraft carrier the other day. Yeah, it's so fun. You gotta try it sometime. Yeah, it's great. It's all so wild to me. I'm sickening sometimes. And he also sent me a bunch of chaff you over.

Thank you for Myrtle Beach. You're welcome. Is that where you live, Myrtle Beach? Yeah, I'm in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Born and raised? Capital of West Virginia. Well, yeah, I was born and raised about an hour and a half from here,

but yeah, pretty much. That's cool. How long have you lived there for? Here in Myrtle, I've been here for about 13, 14 years. But I've lived in South Carolina since all 33 of them. Yeah, I love it. And you're a big kill Tony guy, active very much on the internet and whatnot.

What do you think of our new setup tonight? What do you think of this set? Dude, the production is outstanding and everything so far too, like the letting us know everything, like the production and the shit is pretty top notch here, guys. Brand new studios that they are doing

and they have it down already. Again, it's at in crowd comedy on Instagram. Follow them and tell them how much you appreciate them stepping up for us. Yeah, incredible production. So Yonder, have you ever done a stand up before? Well, yes, I have, but also like I'm a musician, so I get a lot of stage time

and I do a lot of talking in between and shit. So like I'm always running jokes or always just doing crowd work and stuff in between sets or in between songs and things like that. So yeah. That's right. Yes, I actually have seen you perform music before. You sent me your solo guitar solo from the song Time, was it?

Yeah. How often, how long you been playing music for? I've been playing music for 20 years, but professionally for 11, 10, 11 years. You've heard of Dave Grohl, right? Oh yeah. You look like Dave Grohl. You look like Dave Troll.

Dave Troll, yeah, that makes sense. I love it. Block voice. You only play guitar, I ask you that. No, I mean, I play whatever's around, but guitar I'm most comfortable with. You have any comedy songs or anything like that or you don't mix the two?

Not really. Most of my shit's kind of sad, but yeah. That's fun. Your jokes were fantastic. You know, when you live in Ohio, I don't know if you did this also, Myrtle Beach used to be the place where we would go on vacation every year.

That was like our Florida. If you didn't want to drive down the Florida or California, you would just drive to Myrtle Beach. Every single year we went there with three other Italian families and we just had this huge party. It was awesome growing up. Yeah, the yachtsmen.

Yeah, they say Florida is the poor man's California and Myrtle Beach is the poor man's Florida. Yeah. Yeah, it's affectionately known as Myrtle Beach here amongst some of the locals now because there's like a shooting every other day and we're coming for you, Chicago. Oh, interesting.

I never recognize that as a dangerous place. It's per capita dangerous too, like are its numbers actually raising up or are they just complaining that it's a murder capital because it's filled with Karens that think one murder year is bad? Yeah, a lot of Yelp reviews. Yeah, they're not great.

And I mean, as far as like city limits and stuff, because I'm outside of, I'm like 11 miles, I'm in a little town called Myrtle's Inlet, which is right next to Myrtle Beach. So like, I'm away from it, but yeah. There's always something going on in Myrtle for sure. I love it. What else do you do for fun

when you're not playing music or writing? I have a podcast and I do obviously record music and stuff like that. What do you talk about on your podcast? Joel was on it, wasn't he? Yeah, my friend Joel, he was on it. Ryan J. Bell was also on it. Oh, cool.

Very fun. One of the most fun projects. So you just interview people? Are you ever have any solo ones or anything like that? Yeah, well, it started out, I quit drinking about, I was a bad alcoholic because of the Myrtle Beach, but I quit drinking about four years ago in some months.

And I actually picked up a pretty bad cocaine habit after I quit drinking and stopped doing all of that shit. Sobered up for sure about three years ago and had to fill something with that. So I just started turning the camera on and mostly talking to my friends, but then it was hard to get people to commit to showing up, so I would just talk to myself.

And I used it as like therapy, honestly, like personal therapy, I guess just talking about your problems and shit. So that's what it became and helped me fight anxiety and shit by just getting things off of my chest through that. Hell yeah, absolutely. That's a great way to fight anxiety.

Speaking of filling holes, have you ever gone to adamaneve.com? Oh, I haven't had an Adam and Eve story. Oh, really? Yes. Tell us more about it, what's in it? I've never been in, but I can imagine that it is full of,

as they say, dildos and booty holes. That's absolutely right. Absolutely right. Fuck yeah. Is the McDouble your actual go-to? Cause I've found that interesting. Very rarely do I hear people bring up the McDouble, but the few times that I've been to McDonald's as of late,

which averages out to about once a year, the McDouble is actually my go-to. Have you tried, all right, the quarter pounder is the only one that's fresh now? Like everything else is frozen? Oh, you know what, maybe that's the one. I think I got it. It's gonna say,

I know you're a big fan of the burritos as well, the breakfast burritos. Well, that's the only time that I really eat at McDonald's is for breakfast. I'm obsessed with their fajitas, even though they, and you know, people make this joke a lot about, oh, and then I had diarrhea,

well, I'm the kind of guy that I don't get diarrhea off of anything, not Chipotle or the crazy food or this and that, but my goodness, if those McDonald's fajitas on the airplane don't wake me up from my sleep an hour in, and I have to, I'm sorry people. My booty hole is burning.

Oh, it really, it really is. It's just out of control, but I still, even though I know that an hour after eating it, I'm gonna have diarrhea. I can't help myself. The breakfast fajitas, and they have this disgusting packet of salsa

that comes with it. They call it mild pecante and spicy pecante. It's the only fajitas I'll eat are from McDonald's. Oh my goodness. So you said that you had cocaine up your nose at one point and now you have cornstarch on your balls. Why do you have cornstarch on your balls? You never did that?

At restaurants, we would always take a handful of cornstarch, go to the freezer and put it on our dick, so we wouldn't get the rash when you're walking around with your waiter, you know the... Oh no. Service industry trick. Yeah. Cornstarch doesn't seem like

it would be the proper thing to put there. It doesn't look like you're hovering. It's more for thickening sauces and gravies. This is why I'm glad I have my sheath underwear. Yeah. Oh by the way, my sheath inside out the other day, they have the little pouch for the balls, and I had them inside out,

and I don't wear pants when I'm at home, so I was just putting my cell phone in there. So if you wear it inside out, it's a good cell phone holder. Look at that. My goodness. That could never lead to ball cancer or anything weird like that. Oh no, it's fine.

Wifi just ravaging your testicles. I put my phone in my front pocket of my sheaths, and I put my earbuds up my asshole, and I act. My nuts have never been bigger. Doesn't everybody do it like that? Talk about blueprints. I'm wearing sheath underwear right now. Five G's.

I love it. Yonder, you seem like a smart guy. You have any fun conspiracy theories or anything wacky about life you wanna share with us? You believe in anything weird? Of course. He's a virtual wizard. I'm a virtual wizard.

I believe in wizardry. No, I believe in ghosts, and the demons and angels are the same thing, and things like that. I feel like I'm a haunted person. I feel like shit just happens around me all the time, and I've gotten used to it. Roommates over the years have mentioned it.

Have you ever looked at, have you ever been looking at someone from far away, and then they get struck by lightning? Only once, and only once as a child. In Tucson? In Tucson, Arizona. Wow. I have Tucson's myself.

What's the weirdest thing you ever did, or craziest thing you ever did for cocaine when you were addicted to cocaine? Good question, Karen. Police on the phone. I never did anything crazy, but I will say this, that I'm in a band,

and I have been for a very long time, so I have 100% and the checks for the band get written to me, and I paid the band out, so I have 100% spent all of the band's money on cocaine for myself. Oh my goodness. A lot of times.

What's the name of your band? Cornbread. Cornbread. Yeah, also the American sound. I've been a few bands, but the main thing is cornbread and the American sound. I like the American sound. Cornbread, not so much.

Red Band is showing an iPad with a wizard on it. Yep. That's right. That's me. I love it. That's you and the future. We're trying to get Jesse to play with us in VRChat. We just had Dustin and your Baro play.

You got addicted to it fast. That was my avatar. I mean, Jesse's avatar. Right. It was what? It was what? A wizard. That's his avatar.

I know, and now I have to find the new one, and I'll be there. I'll be there. That'll be awkward if we come dressed the same. Yeah, you can't do that in the virtual reality world. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know the rules. It's virtually unheard of.

And then I was going to go as a hammock, and I'm like, I don't remember it yet. I'm going as a kayak. Yeah. I'm going as two tents. That's like 20 McDubbles. I'll be the electric bicycle next week. This conversation is two tents.

Yonder, one last question for you. Other than talking out loud, do you have any other advice for someone whose life might be negatively affected by drugs and alcohol? Perhaps you have a good little tip for them if they need help. Yeah, if you feel like it's a problem,

it probably is. Because a lot of people do these things recreationally, and it's just not an issue. They can stop whenever. But if you find yourself needing that to do whatever it is you do, then that could very well be getting in the way of other shit that might could advance your life.

Because a lot of good things have fallen into place for me ever since I've done that. And it's kind of like the good karma from making your life better is repaid by the great things that you are rewarded with from the universe or God or whatever you want to call that thing. Heck yeah.

I love that. Absolutely. And wise words from one of the musicians from the band ZZ Muffin Top. Yes, yeah. That's us. You look like if Jesus had too much of the body of Christ to eat.

I'm also a keeper of grounds and keys at Hogwarts. Kind of reminds me of Ryan Mervis a little. Yeah, he's like Ryan J. Mervis. Oh my god, you guys don't know how funny that is. That shit is hilarious. Ryan's mad at me now. At least there's been a murder. There's been a murder.

Trigger on him. Without showing it, you can still tell he's completely. Ryan, you could take off the mask right now too. You don't have to be. Ryan J. E. Bell actually drew me. Oh, really? Is that true? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Do you have a drawing nearby? You got a custom work from him? Yeah. Is it far away from you? I mean, not really. He just goes to the other side of his garage. Five hours later.

In the meantime, I have a message for anyone struggling with drugs. Let me know who you are, and I will call the police on you. Where's my camera? This one? Just say no. Karen. You shouldn't be hanging around in areas

where you can buy those drugs, because we all know where those places are. Oh, he's got the guitar right there. He was waiting for us to have him play a song. Oh, that's awesome. A real Ryan J. E. Bell. Look at that. That is so cool.

That is incredible. So he commissioned that for you, and you got it, huh? Yeah, something like that. That's awesome. I absolutely love it. All of Ryan's works available at RyanJBell.com. Where can they find you, Yonder? At Yonder Wizard, Z-Z-E-R-D on Instagram,

at Kelsey Hudgens on Instagram, and Kelsey Hudgens on YouTube. Kelsey, this was awesome, and your jokes were great, man. I'll see you tonight in virtual reality. There he goes. Yonder Wizard. Kelsey Hudgens. What was that? KillDiscord.com.

There you go. Absolutely. Kelsey Hudgens, everybody. Oh, yeah, like a wrecking ball. All right, let's just keep it moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, your next performer goes by the name of Martin Phillips. Here's Martin Phillips, everyone.

These are our strange times. Libraries have started to do her side pickup. So you know it's bad if people are eating bugs. No, if burning bugs, that's fascist. Eating bugs, that's survival. I've always wanted to perform in a library, you know? Because if no one laughs, it's OK, because we're in a library. You know, everyone will be there saying, shh.

I'd be like, hey, I'll be here all week. Check out the nonfiction section. It's for real. Yeah, I think that's it. Thanks, bye. Heck yeah, exactly a minute from Martin Phillips. Martin Phillips, Martin Phillips. Hi, Martin, how are you?

Hey, what's going on? Indeed, I remember you very well. Absolutely a destroyer from Washington, DC. Yeah, that's me. I can't remember. Are you a golden ticket winner, or did we just put you on all the shows? I don't think I'm an official golden ticket winner.

You just keep looking at me. Right, you're just the DC sniper, we'll call you. Yeah, OK. Are you still in Washington, DC, or Virginia, or whatever? Yeah, I'm in Virginia, not DC. I had a thing. They sold my apartment. So I had to put stuff.

And I lost my job. So I put stuff in storage and I backed out my parents' house. OK. In Virginia Beach, I'm in the Virginia Beach area. Oh, OK. Is that far from Myrtle Beach? Yes, it is. Yeah, it's like in Virginia, out in Myrtle Beach,

just in South Carolina. Right, yeah, no, I got it. How'd you lose your job just because of the pandemic? Yeah, being a substitute teacher, just to work when there's no school. That is absolutely correct. Definitely. But I got unemployment, though, and that's been pretty sweet.

Hell, yeah, absolutely. Substitute teachers don't get to teach online classes or anything, huh? No, no. Interesting. I don't want to alarm anyone, but it looks like someone might be breaking into your house behind you.

There's a black silhouette in his home right now. Officer, please. Oh, no, don't call the police on the black silhouette. Oh, my god. Hello? Do you know who that person is? Please, if you're OK. Karen's, it's just a painting.

Blink twice, please. I'm in my mom's office, and that's a silhouette of my mother when she was younger. And she lives there. Yeah, she lives here. Thank god, OK, there's no problem. It's the money she lives there. I love that even though you're unemployed,

you still dress like you're working at Circuit City. Hey, Circuit City, shout out. They're close now, right? Yeah, they're not true. I watched that crazy graph. Did you see that time lapse thing of the blockbusters being built and then being taken down? Crazy video I saw today.

Yeah. Were you a big blockbuster guy back in the day? We were going to the knock-off video stores, so now I plug them up there in the house and video is there something local. Yeah, something local type store. Did you ever go into the nudie part, the back room, with the dirty videos?

I was just thinking about this because, yeah, as we're talking about Adam and Eve, I remember my first time in a porno store. Oh, tell us about it. I'll never forget this because I was looking at it, they have the dirty DVDs. And I thought when it's fun, DVD, I'll never forget the night. If I had money on me that day, I would have bought it.

And it was called Come Shiters. Come Shiters? Yeah, shit like shitting it out of the car. Come Shiters. Come Shiters. Yeah, come Shiters. Was it spelled C-U-M? What?

It was spelled C-U-M. No, Tony. C-U-M-E. It is C-O-M-E. Come Hither. Come Shit with us. That's what it was like. Come Shiters.

Oh, the act out is what it took to convince me of the whole thing. I love that. My goodness, I can't believe you remember that. How old do you think you were? I was like, oh, no, I was like 18. So, you know, it's like, that was my journey into manhood. Let's go into the porno store. Absolutely.

Fuck yeah. Little cream pie. Is that your favorite kind of porn? Like, what is your category of porn if you were to? Oh, no, I mean, you know. Come Shit. Yeah, come Shit. Can't really do that.

Really stuck with you. Do you have a favorite type that you type into the search bar, perhaps big, big breasts or? X, Y, Z, F, X, N, M, L. Look how milts a lot. Oh, milts. Milts. Yeah, milts, right.

Oh, interesting. That's interesting. You have you close with your mother? Not on that level of closeness, but she's a nice lady. She's he's sitting right in front of her. Be careful what you say. Oh, I just texted him. OK, cool.

So how is living with the mom and the dad or the parents? Or the mom? And like, I can't imagine going back to my parents' house and like trying to stay there. I don't know how you do it, Joel. I mean, like, I'm around, like, if I visit Ohio, I'm around like two days and I want to kill myself. Yeah, I've been thinking suicide for a couple months.

It's my job to do it at home so, you know, like they don't have to like, you know, ship the body anywhere or do anything, you know? Yeah, it doesn't break me either anyway. I don't know if you know it is, but they never turn out on the fucking AC. I'm so hot right now. I'm sweating.

They never. It's so hot in this house, I swear. I thought older people liked air conditioning. I thought that because they have no circulation. No, because they have to pay the bill. Yeah, it's the bill. Yeah, if you're not paying the bill, then we get to say when you turn it on.

You chip in 100 bucks a month, give it to them. Just be like, let me just have the air conditioning. Yeah, let me control this. What else? What else is interesting about living with your parents again? I don't know, it's big. See, just like I'm in high school again. I don't really have to make my meals.

I can just get out when I want to. I don't really have any purpose in life anymore. I have nothing going on. Remind us again, it's cerebral palsy that you have. I'm not a third district. Must be a third district. All right. Well, are they breaking any ground medically

on muscular dystrophy as of late? No, I've heard. Right, I don't know why I asked that question. That was that question asked. When you say you have no purpose in life, I mean, nobody that's doing really anything has it at this moment. Hopefully this all, you know, this all passes and you'll get. We'll all get past it.

But don't get so bad about it. We basically all have muscular dystrophy in our living with our parents right now. We know what it's like. But also, if I had what you had, I would go into every store and just complain and get everything I want. Like you have a gift.

You know, I don't I don't have to complain. They just give it to me sometimes. You know, I would sue everybody. All right. Well, Martin, so much fun. You're an absolute killer. And when we come back to DC, you got an automatic spot waiting for you. OK, very cool.

Actually, I have tickets to see you guys in Boston. So that shows what happens. Yeah, I see you there. Yeah, absolutely, for sure. And thank you so much. And make sure you how can the people find you, Martin? If you're on Instagram, it's fly, Marty, Philly, Fly, Marty, Philly.

And yeah, Twitter is funny. You fill out by I switch the F and the P.H. So it's P.H.U.M.M.Y. Fill out. Yeah, there he goes. Martin Phillips, everybody, a great standup committee has been doing it a long time out there on the East Coast and kills on live shows. You check out those past Washington, DC episodes. And he's on both of them.

An incredible performer. Yeah, OK, great. We're going to check in with our second regular here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great David Lucas. What's up? Oh, yeah, you're muted. Can you hear us? I can hear you now.

What's up, Doug? How are you? How are you, David? How's it going? I'm chilling, man. Tired a little bit getting those things tonight, though. Where are you at? At this show at this place called Big Shots. Like what city? Los Angeles? Larry and Caster.

Oh, OK. What's Big Shots like? No, Karen, don't don't. He's a regular. You can get off the phone. The screen just went black. No, it's OK. No, that's a he's he's one of the good ones. Get off the phone, Karen. Yeah, I wanted a good one, bro. I'm pro-Trump when you talk.

Whoa, holy moly. Did you just call her a man? OK, so you're in Lancaster. So what's the setup there? They're doing shows there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they got like each table. So there's one table that you can sit.

Then the next table's locked up. Then the next one you can sit. Yeah. Is that in California? And it's actually it is actually very packed, bro. People are like craving live comedy right now. Yeah. Yeah. When you say it's packed, like how many you think of? I say it's about 80, but right now it's probably like 45.

Like it's quarantine packed. Is the audience laughing as the show started yet? Yeah, the show started down. They're laughing, yeah. It's a good energy in there. Yes, dope ass energy. Do you think it makes up for the 40 people missing? No, you can still feel it.

You know, you can still feel it. Yeah, yeah. It's serious about that. I'm about to do stand up for the first time this weekend. Coming up, I'm doing four shows with Joe Rogan in Houston, Texas at the improv with 250 people, which normally holds. That's only 250,000 people, 250 people in a room that normally holds a six or seven hundred.

I think something like that. Wow. I met the American Comedy Club this weekend with. What you call it? What's his name, Josh? Josh Potter from your mom's house. Yeah. Yeah. Josh Potter.

Mm hmm. I love. Yeah, man. I don't know, bro. It's it's so hard to do like a minute on kill, Tony. But it's like, like, especially like right now, bro, because like of course, meaning like me drives on live stand up. Absolutely.

I've said that before on this show. I've given you your own disclaimer where it's, you know, William's a silly guy and Michael has an amazing history of, you know, sketch and improv and all that. And you are out of the three, you know, what the true, like pure, pure, pure stand up. You really change things. I mean, you know, Michael and William do too, of course, but.

You really singularly focus in on the audience, you know, react and do things compared to what direction they're giving you. It's, you know, you stand up. So I don't really expect that. I was but but don't trip. I'll be back in studio next week. OK, I love it. Hey, bro, you last week, you gained like 30 new black friends

when you roasted my homies and make it. Oh, really? Brad, you said that like it's a positive thing. All right. It is. It is because they're Karen's family. And I feel like this motherfucker don't call the police on a nigga walking a black lab.

I did it twice this week. I love it. David, you've been traveling a lot this week. You were where were you? I was in Salt Lake City, Utah. I did a show there and then I had two shows in Las Vegas. OK, how was that? Brad, so Vegas don't give a fuck about shit, really.

It's Salt Lake. The Mormons don't give a fuck about shit. Uh-huh. No. I'll try to actually I'll try to actually smash a Mormon, bruh. Wow. Yikes. Was it your first time dealing with Mormons?

Hell, yeah, they never met them bitches a day in my life. But they're pretty fun, aren't they? I don't know, man. They was actually hesitant, you know, a nigga tied it up and shit, so it was like I get it. I can't bring. Yeah, they, you know, because what is it that Mormons believe you're born into sin and you're black and the less you sin

and forgive yourself, you turn white or some weird as shit. Oh, shit. I don't know anything about that. That's crazy. It's some weird shit. Sounds like a religion I could get behind. I mean, all right, Karen, you got a book of Mormon. I'll join tonight.

I don't know. I've seen Mormons believe in a lot of black people. There was a Carl Malone. He was in Salt Lake City. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they do. They do. They do really got what, a thousand lakes?

They got hella lakes, bro. They got what? They got they got hella lakes. Like, don't they say it's the city of the city of a thousand lakes? Yeah. They got hella lakes, bro. They got hella lakes. Hella lakes.

It's a good place to go camping. You ever go camping, David? Hell, yeah, bro. You know, I grew up suburban dog. I was in Boy Scouts, but I was an Eagle Scouting every time. Oh, wow. I had no idea. I can start.

I can start a fire with some of your dreadlocks, red bands with some of red bands, pubic hair and your body. I don't have any pubic hair. I shaved it off with manscaped. Yeah, 3.0 manscape. Kill Tony. Promo code for your fresh shaving balls and her sheep underwear. Go ahead, David.

They keep fucking with all the breakfast foods, but they're trying to take Aunt Jemima off the pancakes and shit, bro. I'm very upset about this. Well, I heard like a family member said that they are against it because that's going to kill her legacy. You know, it's true. They took away the Land O'Lakes girl, the nice native American girl that's always on the front of my butter.

Yeah, they took away Aunt Jemima. Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben is gone. Cream of wheat. The cream of wheat guy is gone. Yeah, man. Who wants some Aunt Jemima with a fucking white lady on it? I'm telling you right now.

Oh, the Karens do it. Turns out they want this fucking bitch ass. Can I talk of excuse me? He's reaching out of the TV. He's going to grab me. Officer, tell me. Call this a bitch ass. But they fucking up breakfast foods.

I ain't going to have nothing to eat when I wake up in a moment. Captain Crunch was a was a lot of people don't know this. He was he enslaved pirates. Yeah, count chocolate. They fucking what's that lady named? Carol Baskin is going to start fucking with Tony the Tiger. Yeah. Oh, that's true. My will.

A tiger represents cereal. So she's going to start fucking with that nigga, bro. We Tony the Tiger has been naked this whole time. He's still has a job. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. It's yeah, yeah, man. I mean, I love y'all, bro.

You love you, David. I'm I'm going to be in studio next week. My Michael Larry shot out of my Michael Larry. Yeah, absolutely. We'll see you then. Definitely. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

David Lucas. Oh, you do. That's wild that you would take responsibility for that. All right. It just keeps plowing forward, ladies and gentlemen. Your next performer goes by the name of Sam Davis. Let's see a minute from Sam Davis. Australians, I feel like we're pretty laid back people

and we're way too laid back about our dangerous animals. You can tell because we give everything nicknames like even people who we aren't friends with and be like, how are you going, Daza? Yeah, how are you going, Shaza? But an animal will attack you and we still give the kind of nickname. Like, what's that? Something bit you?

Oh, it's OK. It's just a mozzie bite. We call mosquitoes mozzies like they aren't giving us malaria. And did you know we don't call them crocodiles? No respect. We just call them crocs. Like, that's like you guys calling your version of the millions of years evolved killing machine alley.

Yeah, watch out for the alley over there. Now, man, Americans are realistic. That's a fucking alligator. That's a fucking mosquito. And I shot the both motherfuckers because when you have guns, you don't have to pretend to like anything. There you go. Oh, what song was that?

Titanium. Oh, OK. All right, Sam Davis, all the way from Australia. Yeah, hello. Can you hear me? Hello, absolutely. We can from the other side of the world. There's a guy breaking into your apartment. He's right behind you. What do you see there?

What is that, the baseball cap? Hello? No. Bob Marley. No, no, Karen, don't worry. It's it's a it's a Bob Marley thing. Oh, we were screening these calls. You're freaking me out here. Did you know that was behind you? Yeah, they know.

Well, in that case, stay where you came from. A lot of hats on the wall there. Welcome to the show, David. What part of Australia are you in? I'm just near Kans, which is in far north Queensland. I'm in a little town called Corander. Oh, OK. Right at the top on the East Coast.

All right. Were you close to the wildfires that happened months ago? No, not too close at all. I was pretty lucky up here. OK, how old are you? Twenty four, twenty four years old up there in Australia. The top part of Australia. Not many people there, right?

No. Right. What do you do? What do you do for work? I'm going to be a teacher of PE and English. I should have started last year, but I can't start till next year because I got suspended for two years because police came to my house and found a bomb. Oh, my goodness.

I thought I thought that was a requirement to become a PE and English teacher. Yeah, I thought so as well. But there you go. Suspended for two years. How did they find a bomb? Like they had intel. They asked to look for it. I mean, the guy has Bob Marley curtains behind him. I don't know. I think it's pretty obvious.

We called the police on him. But is that just something that happens? They just raid your house and look for bombs. They had the code breaker, man. Well, my house exploded and suddenly found a bomb. That doesn't make any sense here. And go ahead, go ahead. They actually, they pretty much do just do that.

So it sucks, man. Like what you're doing now is like legal and I got suspended for two years. But yeah, it's probably because of that. So. Oh, my God. Did you redo? Did you redone? That's what they say around there. Bomb Marley. Bomb Marley.

Bomb Marley. Yeah. Is that OK? Is that your final answer? Yeah, we were talking about Nick. You were talking about nicknames in Australia. We were talking about McDonald's earlier. What's your favorite item at Mackers? That's what they call McDonald's in Australia. No. Yeah.

Mackers. They call it Mackers. What do you get from Mackers? The fillet. The fillet. Have you ever tried the fillet? Oh, fish. You know how that sucks. That's how you know that's how they say it. Really? Fillet. Oh, fish. What was the fake Burger King that they have that looks exactly like Burger King?

But it's not called Burger King. Burger King. What is that called? What's your what's your burger place with the two? With the low? Hungry Jacks. Hungry Jacks. It's so weird. It looks identical to Burger King. Yeah, you have to be a whopper. You have to be starving to death to want to eat there.

That's literally be like you have to walk through a desert to be hungry enough to eat at Hungry Jacks. Right? Yeah, well, Mackers sucks as well. Right. What do you like to eat? You're a PE teacher. Give us some advice. A suspended never never worked a day in your life. PE teacher. Yeah, I'm out of that.

If Red Band if Red Band was one of your students, what would you teach him to get in shape? I don't know. Growing up, our PE teachers were all the ones that molested all the kids. Fill me up. Phillips was our elementary. OK, that's enough for real. Fill me up. Phillips. Yeah. That's going to be on Twitter.

It's so interesting because like PE nowadays, they have so many new laws and rules. Remember, they would have us like climb ropes to the top of the ceiling of the gymnasium and like with no harness or anything. Yeah, you just like ring the bell and then we had like these nets that we could jump from net to net. I'm just picturing him making Red Band exercise and he's like, this is molestation. I feel assaulted.

Used to ring the bell at the top of a row. You'd like ring the bell when you got to the top. Now you have to climb all the way to the top of the clock tower to ring a bell. OK, I don't think what the. It was supposed to be a hunchback of Notre Dame. You know, I don't think it came across cleanly. What could I have done better there? Ryan, I do that dinner bell, something about the dinner.

Oh, dinner bell. Yes, let me help you out. Now he rings the dinner bell. OK, this guy's not enjoying this whatsoever. This guy's miserable. He looks like he looks like the middle Brady or from the Brady Bunch. Maybe that the young one. Now the middle one. Greg. No, I don't. I love it.

So what else is interesting about you? You're up there in Australia all by yourself. You ever play boomerang? Yeah, I've got one on my shirt. Whoa. It's like Australian Star Trek logo right there. That is incredible. Do you actually play boomerang?

Yeah, really? Do you have one? Yeah, we have one. Yeah, I do. You have one right now. Yeah, is there someone that is there someone in your house with you that can maybe hold the phone while you go throw a boomerang and catch it for the first time and or can you climb a tree for us? Perhaps we've already broken that ground. Wow, look at that.

I think we have the same boomerang. Yeah, we got we got a couple. I think maybe they all look alike. That's what I've been saying for years. Why come back? It will just hit a cow or something. It'll what? Yeah, it will break something if you did it inside.

Oh, you can't do it in a neighborhood. Oh, I can, but it'll hit a cow. It won't come back to me. I suck at it. You have cows. Yeah. Oh, go play with a cow. Let's go see a cow. We should take your phone out and show us one of your cows. Oh, they're fucking ages away.

How many how long is ages in Australia? And we don't have we go off of the metric system. How many big max is that? Yeah, how many big doubles? Five hundred. They're like a mile away from here. Wow. Wow. Did you come see us when we were out there? No, the top of us.

But I became a fan of your show because of the Tom and Frenchie podcast, which is a funny Australian podcast. And Tom, from their podcast, actually got onto your show when you guys came out to Sydney. And ever since then, I've been a big fan of your show and like, what's all your shit? And then since like, you're not doing shows now

and being catching up on heaps of your old show. Well, that's good. That's the way to do it. If I was a fan of this show, I would not be watching this show. I would be catching up on old shows that I've already watched. That's for damn sure. Watch the shows with an audience, people. That is what I love it. But so, for example, just to explain to the crew

how large Australia is, like, how far of a drive would it be to Melbourne from where you are? Or perhaps even actually Brisbane. Fuck, they'll take like five days to drive that. Right. And mind you, Brisbane is north of Melbourne. How long would it take you to get to Melbourne? Brisbane is in the same state as me

and it still takes five days to drive there. Melbourne would take like 10 days. Yeah, it's so crazy. You don't even think about that. Yeah, Australia is fucking massive. Yet they don't have that many people there. They're all mostly in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide.

Yeah. Have you ever been to the United States? Hell no. No, not yet. I'd love to come to LA one day. Yeah, absolutely. We gotta get you out there and teaching. So there, you're gonna be teaching English

to a bunch of Australian people. English is widely known as the greatest language on the planet. Are you excited about that? Do you have any tips or anything that you're going to be teaching the kids? Ah, I love English. I'm good at teaching English.

I don't know, I don't have any tips. I mean, like, I like Shakespeare. I'll incorporate that, like, it's just one thing. All right, yeah. Any other hobbies or tricks? Do you know any magic tricks? No, I don't know magic tricks, sorry. Do you have any, like, special talents

that you could show us? Do you juggle or anything like that? No. I mean, you're a fucking tease, dude. You have a boomerang. You have cows that are ages away, but... When's the last time you saw a black person in Australia? Goodness, Karen.

But now I do want to know the answer because I'll bet you this guy maybe saw three his whole life. Northern Australia is heaven. No, I'm kidding, it's very one-raised. I want to know, because I want to know if I need to move there tomorrow or not. Do you have English?

Welcome to another episode of That Was a Joke, everybody, you can laugh at it. That's the types of jokes on this show. It's not really heaven, it was a joke. I have black friends. I quit. Oh, you? Seriously, how many black people have you seen

in your entire life, just so that our listeners have somewhat of an idea about Northern Australia, is like, look how hard he's thinking, by the way. I see Aboriginal people every day. I didn't ask that, I said black people. Yeah, black people, they are black. Okay. Of course they're black.

Every day, I guess I won't be going there, all right. Every day, yeah. Every day, right. Are they really black black? Like, are they like the same color as, are they more Native American color? Or, because they're sort of different everywhere. The Aboriginals that I saw near Brisbane especially,

I guess we're a little bit light-skinned perhaps, we could say. I think they're called African-Australian. Well, Australian Aboriginals are 60,000 plus years old, so you could argue that they're actually the, could be, well, we don't know, but they might be the most ancient culture in the world. So, yeah, they're as black as you could get, basically.

Wow. Okay, I guess that's one way of putting it. Remember, cultures- I don't want any of them throwing any shrimp on any Barbie near me. All right, they better have permits. And hamburgers, that's what should go on a Barbie. I mean, barbecue.

It's a burger. Yeah, sorry, Karen. I take responsibility, guys. You do? Yeah. I feel like halfway through this, people forgot we were characters. I know.

They're like, the band sucks. You know, easy to sit there and look the other way and not pay attention, but. Well, Sam, two things to tell you. Thank you so much for submitting. I loved it. And number two, make sure that when this is all over, you close those three drawers that are behind you

in the bottom left corner there. They are open. You have open drawers, and I'm not talking about my sheath underwear. And put a battery in your smoke alarm. And- Thanks for stopping by. See you later, guys.

Absolutely. There's a little something for you to hang your hat on. There he goes, Sam Davis, everybody. A man with a collection of a few hats on the wall. All right. Well, it has come that time of the night, which is highly considered by everyone, including myself, our favorite time

of the quarantine season. Ladies and gentlemen, the great, the powerful, the super regular Michael Lair. You oughta know. Here's Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. It is, yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Every time someone does something goofy in the wheelchair

on the internet, I get tagged. I don't tag your mom every time I see someone getting their dick sucked. My friends won't message me because I'm a hot topic. I'm like a zooks, but that's okay. They send me signals by liking my posts. A heart from Dennis, a heart from Donnell. That counts as two hearts.

Texas opening early, so Texans could go to bars. Now Corona is spiked. Corona won't get away in my boot scoop again. Don't know much about COVID, but I know if you drink, don't drop to the one million crowns. Cali Governor made me mandatory to wear a mask again. Not cause of Corona, cause of too many butterfaces.

You know what this is? A badass motherfucker in need of a Ridge Wallet. Come on, guys. An employee got fired for wearing a Black Lives Matter face mask. So now Taco Bell is canceled. Long overdue. In 1982, they started the mixing now.

Sounds like a Trump-Oshawa's fantasy. The USC just got a fight island. Just bleed. It's also where the having the president debates. Systematic police room form is a priority. I don't know who went, but in the end the octagon was smell like preparation agent makes chickens.

That's right. Michael layer comedy.com. Another episode of week is fuck with Michael layer. He used a lot of printer ink on those pieces of paper. Absolutely. Here he is. We're joined by the great Michael layer. Oh, looks like you have another friend

in one of your wheelchairs there. Yeah, my nose. We got another zinger chair. Oh, heck yeah. We have to know. I beat her ass so bad, and he need one now. I love that.

Two zingers. I get out of here. I'm on TV. Go get out. Is the new one have new technology or anything better than the old one? The exact same chair? It's green.

Oh, look at that. How about your 10s? You have two 10s. You have two things. Are they the same? No, one's way better than the other one. One's an old 10. I should throw away.

One's like a four person 10. Okay. Hell yeah. Michael layer. That was an amazing performance week as fuck coming off of an incredible performance last week where we heard the debut album of Ryan Bedpan. And a lot of people don't know this,

but it placed number two on the billboard this week right behind to cause six nine. Yeah. Me and them are doing to do. And because he's Puerto Rican, he can say all the n words. Wow. Back door.

Uh huh. Hey, can I say something? Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful studio. And the close up on Jobin and Jesse. They look like shots from a Broadway production of great gardens.

There you go. I agree with that. You're a Broadway superstar. Do you know what he's talking about Karen? Michael, by the way, I don't like black box theaters. Happy father's day to you. Yesterday was father's day.

You got a little bit mad. You tweeted out on social media that no one from the cast of kill Tony wish you a father's day. Well, no one did, including my son. Whoa. And I go, I go, Hey, Colin, what's the deal? He goes, you want them more than my life. So I'll meet you halfway and he goes, happy father.

And I'm like, all right. Well, man, you're only my son. And he's like, all right, son, I'm like, son, son, son, son. And now he won't ever see me again. Oh my goodness. What a wild ending there at the end. I did not see that coming. That was an M night Shyamalan twist.

If I've ever seen one before. Yeah, man. And while we're talking about things that you've put a lot out on social media about lately, one of the things that I also noticed was you. You were talking about Louis J Gomez silencing you. Yeah. I'm performing.

I'm showcasing like for only industry. I think fast. It's like the hottest ticket. I think fast. Me. Yeah. Right. I look at my bio online.

Young Jamie. Can you pull that out? My bio. If you can. All right. Now. I'm fucking walking in that picture for starters. And to that bio makes no mention of the glory of God and his

gift of kill turning to me. It's like Louis J keeps antagonizing me. Who the fuck is that guy in that picture? I know people are going to be shocked if they buy a ticket for that guy and you show up. That's for sure. There's no doubt about it. I'm tired of working with businessmen who don't like money.

That's true. Louis J famously hates money. Not a lot of people know that. Speaking of money, what have you done? America's got talent yet? What's going on with that? No, I got the email. They're not taking me.

Who's the deal? They put me in a room. They put me in a room with a glass, a full glass, and they go eat the glass. I'm like, I'm super sick. I'm not eating a glass. And they go, all right, try again next season. So whatever.

What? My goodness gracious. Now I see why you laughed when I originally asked you the question. Oh, by the way, the Verzi triplets, they're on Netflix's new show, The Floor is Lava. To check that out. Yeah, I watched it. It is a very interesting show.

Hey, what the fuck is that have to do with me? I have to talk about people that made it. I mean, let's face it, The Floor is also Lava for you, Michael. I never watched that garbage show. Right. No, it's brand new. It just came out this week. And audition for that show.

You've been getting a lot of a lot of heat lately because of that gun video last week, huh? Yeah, get this. I've been in comedy for 20 years. And that gun video, by far, my most viewed thing ever. Wow. So my point is to all you dreamers, give up. Now, is there any updates that you know for sure if you got arrested

or if anything for sure happened? Because you should send that video to the news. It'd be fun to see that on the news. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm melting. So I just got back to that. But thank you, Red Band. Thank you.

I'll try to provide you with more entertainment. Yes. Thank you. Thank you very much. I like that. I like that. What else is going on? This fucking guy.

I mean, it's I mean, I human shielded historic Filipino town. And Red Band is like, I want to tweet another police chase. That's right. Yeah. Yep. So what else is going on this week, Michael? Anything else crazy happening in your life? Yeah.

Well, I am my fans have been sending me a Tommy Hilfiger line of adaptive clothes for the disabled. And it's incredible. And I'd like to show you the underwear. Oh, we would love to see that. Are they underwear guys? Are they tear ways? They just rip open.

Why are you racing? You're about to find out in 20 seconds. Absolutely. Tilt that camera down. Yeah. I know what to do. I'm sorry. I'm getting wet.

You're turning my nerves. Everyone leave me alone. My goodness. So defensive for a guy that's about to rip his underwear off. Hey, first off, you see that? Oh, that's a great William Montgomery shirt. Yeah, that's it. I only wear two designers, Tommy and E-Bugs.

That's right. Absolutely. That is a beautiful William Montgomery t-shirt drawn by Ryan. Fuck your fucking rim shot, Joe. All right. All right. Let's see these fucking disabled people underwear for the first time live on. They're awesome.

This is another post. I'm wearing two underwear. I'm obviously not going to show my penis. Okay. Are they both disabled underwear? Because I don't think those two should be that close to each other. No. Mornies wearing the other pair.

Oh, okay. So here we go. The first time seeing disabled underwear and the history of kill Tony. You thought climbing a tree was crazy. Whoa. What is happening? Okay. We don't really need music for this.

Wow. Those seem like regular underwear. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And two. Oh, shit. From disabled to piss able. Am I right, people?

Wait, does that say? Oh, I thought it said somebody else. Oh, Declan. I'm a big fan of Declan. Oh, Karen. No. Oh my goodness. Gracious.

That is incredible. So, wow. Why does a regular underwear have that little cape? Yeah. Right? That's what it needs. You could just feel the breeze on a windy day. Open that thing up.

That's like a... All right. That's enough of that. Those are the underwear that come if you buy Louis C.K.'s newest album. Wow. Oh, man. It's kind of like a trade. Hey, how great was today's episode?

You think so? I do. Really? Yeah. Well, I watched all of it. It was fantastic. I love it. And I've known Neanderthals online, and he's a fucking great stand-up.

That was so awesome. I agree. That was good to see that. Yeah. Hey, can I do two mom jokes? Absolutely. We would love to hear your mom jokes. Well, this is for my nurse's mom, Paula, and she gave me these jokes.

What do you call two apples? What? A pear. Hey. And here's an even better one from Paula in Buffalo, New York. Buffalo. If two vegans argue, is this still a beep? I like that.

We should all ask our moms this week. Look at the look on his face, waiting to see. We should all ask our moms this week and get a mom joke from each one of our moms and read it next week. And then they'll all tune in to watch and see him show his underwear. Heck yeah, those underwear are crazy. Talk about shut the front door. You know what I'm talking about? They're expensive, so, you know, low taste.

Wait, what does that mean? You snored it? You snored? No, it means like money, honey. Oh, yeah, you're getting rich over there. We're still, we're both, you know, we represent. All right, yeah, you got junk. Joel's thing wouldn't even fit through that hole.

He would use it. No doubt. He would use it, he would wear them backwards and use it as a little poop shoot. Could you imagine how big of a ticket it would be if Michael did the naked roast? Oh my God, that would be epic. You know, they do a thing called the naked roast, Michael, where the judges and come out naked and two people come out naked and Joel literally became famous at Black Steer Skankfest.

Nobody knew who he was. It was like, was it the first night or the second night? Oh, it was Friday. Probably the second, yeah. It was the first like big night, though. Thursday the party got started and then Friday night, they're like, all right, one of your judges from Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, Joel Jimenez, and he came out with a fucking third leg this guy.

I mean, he shocked the audience. Everybody was starstruck by him. I got to watch it the rest of the weekend. Joel, that's so good to hear. All these comedy fans walking by like, holy shit, Ari Shafir. Oh, Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh my God, there's the dude with the giant dick. Were you like, I know him.

Yeah, this is my friend. I'm always happy for friends when you find out they have a huge car. Yeah, it's true. And we know you do too. Is it true? We've heard rumors that sometimes you accidentally back up over it with your chair. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A friend of mine named Katie Rich, she said, if I was six feet tall, I'd have AIDS.

That's true. And instead, since you're under six feet tall, you ended up with ALS. That's how life works out. Yeah, God works in a serious way. But Tony, he brought me to your team and I'm happy to be circling from it. That's absolutely true. And you know, the door here is always much like the front of your disabled underwear.

The door is always open for you, Michael. Thank you. Thank you. And when you want your wife back, come over. Okay, perfect. Yes. Michael's been babysitting my wife throughout the quarantine, keeping her busy. All right, Michael.

Well, so much fun. Amazing times. And I fucking love you. And love to Dave. I'm sorry, Tony. Go ahead. Love to Dave and William. I fucking love those guys.

And, you know, they've been giving me a shout out. I talk to William all the time. Yeah. Just love all of them. Love all you guys. Michael, you are undeniably loved by absolutely everybody, the lovers of the show, the haters of the show, the cast members of the show, the family members of the show. You are universally loved in a way that I should be loved, but I'm not.

But you are truly loved by everyone. It's incredible. You're not as likable. Absolutely correct. Definitely. That's why I'm switching out my sheets for some disabled underwear and I'm going to try baby steps, baby steps, you know, like you take when you're getting in bed. Yeah.

No, I can't even do those anymore. All right. Well, I fucking love you, buddy. And we'll see you next week. Seriously, great fucking episode, guys. Thank you. The great Michael Laird, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

Michael Laird. When you get away, it's not fair. Hey, of the cross side bear that you gave to me. I don't know. All right. See, I don't even mind. Honestly, it's that fucking saxophone. Like it's like that's the the the stinger seem hours longer when it's the saxophone.

Something. All right, Karen, relax. It's something more easing about the trumpet. Yeah, it's just so nice and mellow because it's spelled T. R. U. M. P. Whoa. That's why I know that's what I'm going to do in the voting booth in November. I'm going to Trump it. No.

Oh, you're welcome, Mr. President. God, people on social media absolutely hate the fact that I've ever said anything positive about Trump. I mean, they're drinking the Kool-Aid too. Yes. No, it's just a funny. It's a different take than what 100% of everybody else. And can I just say people make fun of his tiny penis, but I like it.

I love a tiny penis. It's I'm so attracted to it. I'd love to get reeled by Trump's tiny little baby dick. I would love that. Yeah. You know what they're saying? People are always giving him shit for his baby dick. I love a baby dick.

I want to get fucked by Trump's little tiny baby dick. Karen, even though you're a woman, you can't say that you want to get fucked by baby dick. Wow. My body, my choice. We have a special... We have a... Wait, what? You also shouldn't be saying baby dick.

That's true. It is not the week to be saying baby dick. There have been enough comedians that have gotten in trouble. Definitely. I'll say baby dick. I don't say baby anything. I take Viagra. My little bean turns into one.

I like to flick it. It's all good. All righty. We're going to keep it moving along. It's enough. Silence a woman. Another Spanish legend on this show. We're going to close it out strong.

Ladies and gentlemen, the quarantine legend. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a special treat. It's Manolo, everybody. Surprise. Here we go. Manolo sent in something. Let's see what we got from Manolo this week. Oh, you don't?

Okay. Do you have that video that he sent in? Oh, you don't? Oh, what a shame. We finally deported him. What was that? Yes. What did you say?

Oh, you don't have anything? All right. Well, that's fine. Well, then Manolo, like we had that one time, Manolo will kick off next week's episode. So that means that that's tonight's episode. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan Jay E. Belt. We're stopping him quick here. He doesn't seem excited about it.

This is like Jeopardy when there's a champion. Come over here. Jump on stage with us. The great Ryan Jay E. Belt's going to come right in front of that camera right there, I do believe. And he's going to point it right at it. That's what it looks like tonight's drawing. Look at that.

I can actually see it perfectly right through it. Here on a, like a dock, oct type of setup on top of a, oh, it is, it's a Scooby-Doo is what it is. And Brian's the cat and you have David Lucas smoking. And I believe that's William Montgomery with a ketchup bottle. Very, very goofy William. And you got the two Karens. Jesse Jetski Johnson and Joel Berg Joel Jimenez as Karens tonight.

A bunch of fun stuff happening. We're going back on the road. Those dates are on the websites. TonyHinchClip.com, DeathSquad.tv. But Jesse, Jesse Johnson was here tonight. Jesse. I don't believe a lot of the things I said tonight, but we're just trying to have a good time. I love it.

Absolutely. We're just trying to get through it. Thanks guys. I stick by all of it. Oh, Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. Mostly sorry on social media. There's a new podcast out called Mostly Sorry. Yeah.

Where can they find that? Episode three. We do these premieres with online chats tomorrow. 5 p.m. on YouTube. Mostly sorry. Episode three. And check out me and Ryan Jay's yonder wizard episodes while you're at it. Fuck it.

I love that. Absolutely. Check out past episodes of Kill Tony, including some VR ones. If you Google Kill Tony VR, those episodes will come up. If you have one of those VR sets that everybody. Yeah. You don't even need it. You could just use your iPhone or iPad.

You could look around. It's pretty cool. Absolutely. I have virtual red band on about five times a week and you can see yonder's on it. Dustin, your borrow plays with us a lot. A very funny comedian. Also this week we have Dead Air and Brothers in Cursive. Again, Wednesday.

Yeah. And a new roast master class just dropped this week. Actually two of them did. One of them with the great Donnell Rawlings, who is one of my favorite Kill Tony guests of all time. One of the great comedians. Him and I laugh for two hours straight. He tells me about his writing process and working with Chappelle and we do a big recap

of the David Lucas roast that he did. Fun stuff, man. This was a fun one tonight. Thanks a lot to the people here at in crowd studios. Follow them on Instagram at in crowd comedy. They made this entire big production possible and they do really cool things out of this studio with the capabilities of actually making this giant wall that's now red in front of us into a wall of audience members.

I think we're going to do that, right? Yeah. We're definitely going to do it in the future and we're going to figure out how to do it perfectly for the show. And you can actually hear the audience laughter while they're at home zooming in and things like that. We're going to see every single one of you. We're going to be facing all of them.

And there would be more cameras behind us getting that wall. So you could be a part of the show. Yeah. Big part of the show. Literally on camera at points. So that's going to be a thing. Karen, are you okay over there? What's going on?

Oh, your hands on here. Breast. Anyway, thank you guys. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye. Bye.