KILL TONY - KT #464 - QUARANTINED #19

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/20/2020 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY–EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you can also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv. There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's TonyHinchCliff. Yeah. What's up? Hey. We are live.

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And there's also Ryan J. Ebelt sitting right there in the audience. That's true. Ryan J. Ebelt draws every episode. We're going to check in with his drawing later. All of those are available at ryanjebelt.com. We're all filled up on delicious Veto's Pizza special baked ZD night tonight. We have the great David Deerey here with us, the great Gino from Speedweed who let us coop up at Betterbox Studios for the majority of the quarantine.

And delicious caveman coffee. We can't get enough of those guys. Yeah, you can't get enough of those guys. Damon is here up in the bird's nest, keeping an eye on us, making adjustments smoothly to the lights and we're going to have some fun tonight. So let's bring out the band, shall we? Every week they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be.

Let's all find out what they are this week together as I bring up the best band in the land. It's the Kiltoni band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski Johnson, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Yeah.

Let's all go to the lobby. Yeah. Let's all go to the lobby. Here they come. We need to get ourselves a treat. Here they come for sure. Delicious things to eat. Any second.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Come on in. Oh. Look at this little one. Spunky little energy. Get out there so the cameras can see a little lady.

You're being blocked by this guy. Let's all go to the lobby. Hey. Look at that guy, too. Wow. Aw. Isn't this one a great energy? Incredible.

Here they are. Definitely a great energy. Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Hey. Look at that guy, too. Wow. Aw.

Isn't this one a great energy? Incredible. Incredible. Here they are. Definitely movie theater employees, if I've ever seen them before. Look at you, sir. I mean, you are a wild one having had a barber during this quarantine, huh? Oh, no.

What's your name? My name is Spencer. We've met once before. I also work at Blockbuster. Oh, you still work in a Blockbuster part-time? Yeah. It's the last one. Yeah.

That's in... Where's that in Florida? It's only that. And how about you, little lady? You came out with great energy. You seem like you're not burnt out or anything. What's your name? My name is Jen.

I'm 16 years old, and I'm an aspiring actress. Jen, I can't believe you're 60. 16. Oh, 16. I misheard that. But I could play 60. I misheard that. My goodness.

16. And what's this young magician's name back here? Hello. My name is Brent. And people say I'm the spitting image of Johnny Depp. Yes, they do. Definitely a spitting image of Johnny Depp. Maybe after he found poop in his bed from his ex-wife.

And clearly back here, we have what appears to be fucking Adolf Hitler's attention deficit nephew. I keep getting this Adolf guy. I don't know who this is, but my name is Snorke. I just moved here from Eastern Europe, and I am 62. I get only job I can at movie theater. Snorke. Snorke.

Snorke. I love the Snorkes. Remember that? S-N-O-R-G. Snorke. What part of Eastern Europe are you from? The East part. What country?

East, East, but it's been so long since I've gone. Doesn't seem like you've been gone long with that thick accent. I don't talk much. I work in a movie theater. What do you do? You tear tickets? I do it all. That's what I do.

Oh, okay. So we got Spencer, Jen, Brent, and Snorke movie theater employees fully in uniform. Theaters got closed this week, even though they've been closed. Really, California didn't close really anything. Just nail salons, massage parlors, and card rooms. For those of you that were going to card rooms a lot. Full hallmark, right? We've been hooking up N64s privately inside AMC, and then just playing Mario Kart.

That's been pretty cool. That's cool. Just not even playing a new system, like a 15-year-old system. That's cool. What a movie screen. Well, let's just jump right into the show. Shall we, everybody? Going first, yet again, a murder on this show.

One of my favorite comedians on the planet. I love his style. I love everything about this man. One of my favorite people, just in life and in the history of this show, I present to you to get things jolted right from the start before we go to the bucket with four pre-selected names in there. Make some noise for Michael Laird, everybody in the area. Here's Michael Laird.

I'm not mad at China for creating crone in the lab. China taught me how delicious duck is. If you look in the window of a Chinese restaurant, no hours, no name, just 45 ducks. No one takes more pride in their work than the Chinese duck maker. They spent so much time coming to America just to say, I bet it all on duck. Scream it to the gods. Crispier, crispier. They don't even call them windows in China.

They call them duck monsters. The duck monster is the mascot of the Peking duck baseball team. I'm not mad at ruined civilization by craning the coronavirus, but man, don't they make a motherfucking duck. Wow, someone had duck this week, huh? I have no idea. It was good. I thought I was excited.

Yeah, that was good. Were you laughing on the inside? Yeah. You know, sometimes things are so funny that you're just like, awestruck is the way. Yeah, that must have been that. Yeah, it was one of those. Yeah, I feel it. Thank you, everyone, for now fucking laughing.

No, it's good. Yeah, laughter is punishable by death. Oh, there you go. Where is that again? Where? Where are you from? Oh, okay. All right.

So Peking duck and the coronavirus. They made ducks. So who cares if they make coronavirus, you know, six and one half dozen of the other. That's right. Half dozen ducks, baby, when I get home, crispy fucking duck. Yeah. Hey, what's going on back there? Yeah, it appears as though Snorke decided to wipe off his microphone during a podcast.

And what? Speaking of peaking. What the fuck are you doing? Well, Snorke, what kind of six year old European man is never heard of Hitler? I know. It's very bizarre. Snorke is, I believe he might be in the Easter Seals film challenge. Eastern Seals.

Eastern Seals. Oh, I like that. Yeah, thank you. Oh, finally, I please you. But you've been pleasing a lot of people. I heard you have a big audition coming up. Yeah. Well, we all know that comedy institutions are in a revolution and certainly not live

in one of them. And by 2025, they have said that all their cast members will be in wheelchairs. So I'm working on a new audition and I don't want to take a man is, but may I practice one of them? I'd love to see this audition. All right. Now, um, Jeremiah is not here, but he's a fucking asshole. Yeah.

Me and him are like, there's some thespian highlander shit going on because I messaged him and I said, can I borrow a wig? Oh, and he said, fuck you. Yeah, absolutely. Are you kidding me? This fucking guy? Have you ever seen his like wig holder? He keeps them like all labeled.

I know. Yeah. I mean, Jeremiah is the kindest soul, but the devil came out of him when I asked for a wig. Oh, yeah, for sure. You should go on the road with them sometime. It's incredible. So instead of a wig, instead of a wig, I have a hat you fucking fuck.

Yeah, we got time. Absolutely. So in place of a wig, it appears as though Michael's wearing just a hat. So we're going to have to use our imaginations. What kind of wig? What would the wig look like if Jeremiah would have let you borrow a lady? Oh, a women's wig? Yeah, I'm a lady.

All right. So I'm doing an impression of a lady. Okay. All they needed was a lady wiki monster. May I work on my audition? Here we go. All right. Is this my camera?

Yep. All right. All right. So we asked him to audition. He goes, I wish I could. It's SNL music. But yeah, he can stop it for sure. Yeah.

I understood the reference, Tony. I've screen tested. I get it. All right. Yeah. So what you do is you, hi, I'm Michael Larry. I'm playing this character and you give them a little taste. So hi, I'm Michael Larry and I'll be doing an impression of Aspen Ladd, who's on my

audition. A 91 USC band of weight, number 10 on the pound per pound list and currently nursing an industry. Holy Hill soon, Aspen. Now, Aspen is, she sounds like a Disney princess, but she's a beast. So she's both beauty and the beast. Here we go. Aspen.

Oh, post-fight interview. Oh, well, I was really happy. I got the first round to go, but our plan was to be as vicious as quickly as possible. I was hoping to rip off her arm and beat her to death with it, but I ended up getting the TKO anyway, so I'm happy for my team. There was one point where I was in opposition and I looked down at her teeth and I thought, man, I'd love to knock all these bitches teeth out of fucking mouth and make her choke on them, but you know what, in the end, I got the win anyway and I'm just happy.

At one point, I punched her so hard, I thought I'm ripper beating hard out of her chest and ended to her Dean. But you know, I got the win and this is from my team. Thank you, Lauren Michael. Wow. That was impressive. Yeah. Heck yeah.

That was definitely like Aspen lad style or as I call it ALS. Oh my God. How do you come up with this shit so fast? That was good. That was good. I've always wondered what Aspen lad would sound like if she had Lou Gehrig's disease. That's incredible. Well, all those fighters are going to find out.

Oh yeah, they are. No doubt. Is that the only character you're submitting to Saturday Night Live? No, I got used. I'm working on one at a time. Oh, okay. I mean, it's the only one I have tonight. I mean, maybe we'll see more on other episodes coming up.

Definitely. And you come from your whole family. You come from a long family of comedians. Well, not necessarily online, but one thing I really wanted to share is my great-grand friend uncle is a famous Valvillian, part of Smith and Dale, who near Simon based the Sunshine boys on the two Valvill groups. But one of them was Smith and Dale, and they were together for 70 years, and they were like an Aberdeen chastelotype, but they grew up and met in their Jewish ghetto.

Oh, I can't go on. I'm sorry. No, no. Here's to everyone watching. I will never ever do anything sentimental or serious again. Fuck these monsters. They're insane. Fuck you, Joe Burke.

Fuck. I love it, man. Yeah, but I've relatives who are famous for a villain, but they live in the Jewish ghetto in New York with George Burns and Gracie Allen. So it goes real far back in those pictures I gave you. Oh, yeah, I did. You did hand me a folder of pictures. Should we go over some of these pictures?

I don't know. Is this really your... Yeah, no, it's not a bit. That's my great-granduncle. That's your great-granduncle? No one with a jam my nose. Oh, wow. This one sort of looks like a...

This one here sort of looks like a snorg. Look at that. Is that your snorg? It's me. Snorg's grandfather. I'm a weird gentleman. Then we have these guys from the Sero's days. Yeah, really cool.

Wow. And throwing really, really riveting shit here. Yeah, we're going to put these on the YouTube and show the people. This is who? Your grandfather? Your great-grandfather? My grandma's uncle. Oh, your grandma's uncle.

My grandma's uncle. All right, it's a little bit more distant of a relative than I was supposed to be. Fuck you. Fuck you. Who's in your family? I don't know if you know this, but my grandfather built the Pennsylvania Railroad. Really? Yeah.

He was the designer of it. Oh, what about the B&L Monobo? He had nothing to do with the B&O, but the Pennsylvania Railroad, a big deal. Nice. Red Van just dipped some of these old pictures in some of his mashed potatoes that he keeps always very close to. My lap potatoes. What?

I tried to sell them for over a year. Those pictures are like 100 years old and some of them. I tried to sell them. I'm glad I didn't. I couldn't even get $5. Why would you want to sell them if they're a family? I wouldn't. I mean.

When you were a drug addict, can you? Yeah. For weed money. It's just a fucking picture. You have an incurable disease. You think you might start selling stuff in like the last, I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I had an incurable disease. You're planning like an auction towards the end or something like that?

Tony, every problem I've used on this show, I've already sold. That's true. I like that. I like that. My price is my name bag went for $41. What? I don't know. He sold like a bike chain for like $800.

Yeah, but I sold my price and my name badge for $40 and I'm going to sell my Superman outfit because I'm best played out. You should sell that magic trick that you did on last week's episode. Oh, I bought 30 of them. Oh, good. Good. Why'd you buy 30? Got to make sure they're going to work.

They don't come in my room. They don't come in a one pack. They come 30 at a time. Tricks on you. I love it. By the way, magician. Magician? Horrible at customer service.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was a nightmare getting that magic trick. Yeah, you went to a magician's store or online? Well, the magician, they'll handcraft them and they'll trick and make them and sell it off their side. Right. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not easy. It's not easy communicating with magicians. For real? How was my Chinese man long? It was good, man. You know, peaking duck, China, coronavirus, duck, peaking, peaking duck.

We do. Speaking of ducks, you ever played duck, duck, goose? Oh, yeah. Not anymore, yeah. You always win. Yeah. I mean, you could still play it as long as the person just says duck. Yeah.

As long as I'm always the person. Not the goose. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. No, it's good. You nailed it. Well, it's the economy because if I played, I'd be always the person standing.

I'm still picturing you wearing a women's wig right now. Oh, I lost an image because Jeremiah says, oh, fucking monster. You could have asked me, I have like 20 wigs. Yeah. And there's just in a box. Anything you're ever going to ask Jeremiah for, you could just ask one of us. We'll help you out. We're very, we like it when everybody does good around here.

And if you need us to put money in your parking meter, you know, put a couple quarters in there, just walk out for him for you. We will. I'm surprised he didn't ask you yesterday to go and do that for him. Oh, dude. I mean, last week. Yeah. When my handicap tag, I could walk on your mother and I wouldn't get that ticket.

Oh. All right. Yeah, David. All right. Michael Lair everybody getting things started tonight. We love you, Michael. The great Michael Lair everybody. Hey.

Fuck. Yeah. Spencer, Jen, Brent and Snorg sound in golden already tonight. Very exciting. Who's Mike was that? Oh, oh, okay. Joel. Joel, come on.

I heard a lot of noises back there. Snorg. I was disinfecting microphone so that I don't twice a worldwide pandemic. Even though you're the only person on that microphone, it's pretty impressive that twice during one performer, you would clean it. I know it's weird because Chroma Chris really wants to reach and talk sometimes. And it's kind of freaking me out with these Johnny Depp looks right now. Okay.

If he does, you can unplug it and then clean it and then plug it back in. How about that Snorg? Sounds great. That's how things work here in the United States of America. Thank you. Wow. Wonderful country. Great to be here.

All right. We have some people in the bucket. Let's see what happens here tonight. I'm going to reach my hand in there and we are going to meet a stranger. How about that? Time for stranger things. Oh, wow. Well.

One man in a wheelchair to another. This young man was here and signed up. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the stylings of Kyler Bentley. Here we go. Kyler Bentley. Jesus loves you more than you will know. Hey, hey, hey. Here's Kyler Bentley.

I fucking knew that shit was going to happen. That bucket is rigged. God, I can't even remember my set now. Fucking Michael Laird killed it. I do remember the last thing I said to my dad before I got paralyzed though. I said, are you still holding the ladder? This is fucking awesome, man. I haven't done stand up in 14 years.

God, it's hard right now. Everything's such a blur. God damn coronavirus. I'm sick of worrying about it. I want to go out and actually catch it just to quit worrying about it. The problem is people with coronavirus, they're stingy. Yeah, hold up in quarantine, Bogart and all the corona. It's like past the duchy.

Kyler Bentley everybody. Hell yeah. There you go. Hey, hey, hey. All right, Kyler, that was fun, dude. I knew I was going to go after Michael Laird. It is weird. The bucket has a mind of its own.

That is wild. I love your holding the ladder joke. Very fun stand up coronavirus paralyzed. Is there a just being regular paralyzed? Does that cause a bigger threat for coronavirus in some way? Like I mean, is it every spinal cord injury is different. Yeah. Like I broke my neck.

So like I have very little function. So I have compromised lungs and I smoke cigarettes. So yeah, I'd probably kill me. Yeah, probably. Then I don't have to worry about it anymore. Being paralyzed couldn't take your balls away though, huh? You're out here. Maybe your balls don't work.

I can't feel them, but they work. Where do you lose feeling at? Below my chest. Damn, damn it. How did that happen again? Snowboarding. Okay. Yeah.

You've been on this show. We've talked about this before. Yeah, but I like to lie about it. Okay. Yeah. What do you like to say sometimes? Awesome. My favorite is I dated a bodybuilder girl and I was performing cutting linguists.

She squeezed my neck so hard it broke. Okay. Kind of linguist. Kind of linguist. That's my favorite. I love that. That was 14 years ago, the snowboarding accident. Yes.

Were you doing like some wild trick or something like that? Or did you just go too fast? Too fast off a jump. Damn. Just trying to do a regular old jump. No flips or anything? No, I wasn't that good. Right.

Obviously. Yeah. To shit, right? Okay. Well, that's fun. So what have you been doing during this quarantine? What have you been cooped up? Watching movies, Netflix.

What's your favorite stuff that you've caught during this? I watched a good one last night. Son of a gun. What's that? Gold heist movie. Ewan McGregor. Robbery movie. I don't know.

Okay. I watched so much shit it just all blurs together literally like every day feels like the same day. Yeah. Anyone watch that new Tom Hanks movie? I heard that was amazing. What is it? No. What's that on?

What is it, Ryan? Greyhound? Greyhound. Ryan's talking with his head in his, what's that called? Drawing thing. I couldn't hear. I think Greyhound? Greyhound.

Yes. I love it. This time he said Greyhound again with his head down and then lifted up his head like on the asshole. Trolls too is now showing at AMC. Have you seen Greyhound? Any of the movie theater people? No, no.

I don't watch that. My country just got forest comp. How about you, Jen? Have you seen Greyhound? Greyhound. Big bus. Lots of poverty. Oh shit.

So what else other than watching movies? What do you do for food? Do you cook yourself or you postmates? I got food stamps. Why would he cook himself? What snore? Yeah. Do you put yourself in a boiling pot of water and you're like, oh, and then you add some

salt and you're like, it is done. Bon appetit. Yeah. Cook on high heat so that it's over. Ready real quick. What the fuck did you say snore earlier? What did you say? He asked if he cooked himself.

He asked if he cooked himself. Now showing. Now showing Tony's anger. I said, why would he cook himself? And then Chroma Chris said because he has no feeling. But you have food stamps, you say? Yes. And what do you do?

You just go to the grocery store yourself or? No, I got a caregiver shopper government pays for them to work for me. Oh, that's cool. Laundry, all the shit I can't do. Oh, that's awesome. Like everything. Sounds like a dream. Yeah.

That's red band lives the exact same life. I do. He has someone that does all those things here. He already has the motorized bike. He's on his way. Yeah. Exactly. And I pooped myself.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Brian. Oh, red band. How's that been going? How's your motorized bike been going? I saw a video you posted with you fake peddling. It's great. The peddling is real. Yeah.

Yeah. I know when I pedal on a bicycle, it always goes wee, wee, wee. The bike has different modes. There's like a mode that's just like having, being like a regular bike. But then if you want to like, you know, go fast, you can just crank it. Oh, I know how it works. I've been on a bike before. I'm with you, red band.

I got a motorized bike too. I used to have an electric scooter when I lived next to you. You may have seen me. I used to have a little chopper, an electric chopper we called it. My brother and I had it. It was baller as fuck, man. I doubt it. It literally was like a little Harley Davidson looking thing.

Really? 14 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun, man. The cool thing is like, I didn't realize how close I was to growth park. So just like going around the zoo and stuff like that and all up into the mountains. Yeah.

You live like less than a mile away from one of the most beautiful parks in all of LA in the last decade and a half. I know. You just figured it took you. All it took you was one electric motorized bicycle for you to find it. Brian thought Burbank stopped at the Starbucks that he goes to. Well, that's it. No more California that way.

He thought it was like the Truman show. What we've been is what we call a fatter there. What? I get that. He called you a fatter. I still don't even know what that was. Some fat joke. Oh, Kyler Kyler Kyler.

Any other fun facts about your life we should know about? I like to draw and over quarantine I drew a picture that I brought of Ryan J. Well, I figure he draws all you guys. So I drew him. Oh, yeah. That sounds awesome. Holy shit. No one draws Ryan.

This is an interesting moment in the history of the show. Ryan could care less. He's not even going to look up. Ryan's just mumbling the word greyhound into his drawing board right now. He said it was fucking greyhound. You son of a bitch. I don't have enough art in my house. He's a pretty interesting looking character.

Hell yeah. First person to ever draw Ryan J. He belt is paralyzed from the chest down. Whoa. Look at that, Ryan. That's fucking accurate. I think Ryan's perhaps he's seen it before. Either that or he has no respect.

I know. Let's reenact what Ryan just did. Ryan, he actually drew that with his feet. I showed him it earlier. He was like, dog shit. That is very impressive. Now, is drawing something you've always done or did that mostly start after the accident? No, I've always been artistic.

I mean, that's really good. Learning how to hold a pencil because my hands are partially paralyzed. I can't use my fingers. So learning how to hold a pencil or a pen and basically learning how to control and get the detail that I like. I mean, it's not as good as I would like it to be, but, you know. Very fucking impressive and it shows a lot of heart and it's a very cool thing to do to draw Ryan J. He's drawn us, I believe, over perhaps, I don't know, 400 episodes of the show. How many do you think you've done, Ryan?

Definitely over 300. Try it a little bit over 300. There you go. Well, Kyler, awesome stuff. Very fun performance and a very fun interview. Thank you so much. Thank you, good. Kyler Bentley, everybody.

Kyler Bentley. He just did good on the show. What do you know? Hey, Tony, can I say, I just got a text from Jeremiah and he read the DMs between Michael and Jeremiah and Jeremiah definitely said that he could help him out if he needed that. So, yeah, I'm reading the DMs right now that he screenshot and sent me. Wait, that's interesting. Spencer and Jeremiah seem to have a little bit of a bond.

Michael, are we missing something here? Okay, I think we need to get to the bottom of this. Yeah, Michael, are you getting your phone out? Yeah. You getting this? Detroit capture this. Can that light swing to where Michael is? Yes.

Yes, it can. There is a God. You should roll to the mic. This story has less legs than the last two comics. That mic's already been disinfected. Is there a microphone on that, Detroit? Or no. Okay, yeah, put his old mic back in there.

Michael, wheel back up again. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Kill Tony Show history, this is a curtain call and on-core performance by Michael Lair. When you have a limited time to live, you get to perform as many times as you want on Kill Tony during an episode. I know you wrote something long and cold. It was heartless. Hold on.

In the meantime, I talked to Jesse and she thought I was really weird that you didn't ask her for women's wigs. Do you have your own wigs? Yeah, I've got plenty of women's wigs. I'm surprised you could ask me for women's wigs, women's underwear. I have all these things. Yeah, he dresses up like one every night. That's right.

That's what I was implying by the joke I just made. I know. All of you say this. None of you have been helpful to me. What the fuck are you talking about? Anything. Oh, is that true? I do everything on my own.

I tickled the fuck out of you. No way. Jeremiah, you don't have what you sent me. Jeremiah screenshotted the DM. What does it say? Do you want me to read it, Michael? Oh, no. This is quite the standoff here.

Because there's a part of me that thinks, I mean, this is a tough one, because I have a feeling that Jeremiah may have wanted to help you on this one, but now you're getting called on your bluff. But at the same time, I could also see Jeremiah not want to share wigs with you. He's very... About your characters. Because Jeremiah has been quoted as saying, only black lives matter. Right.

Our paraphrase. Black lives matter. There you go. You just said it again. Jeremiah, our paraphrase. You're not allowed to paraphrase. Then you read it. I'll offer my paraphrase.

This is my favorite part of the last 15 episodes of the show by the way. Do you want me to read word for word? No. Yeah. Go ahead. Just start. Just the part we want to know. Okay.

Michael DMed Jeremiah and said, you the wig slash beard master, if I ever need to borrow, question mark. Jeremiah said, I usually don't lend stuff out because I have them organized for specific characters, but if you're in need of something specific, I can probably help. That is heartless and cold. That's basically like, you can go fuck yourself, be a professional and get your own wig. I feel you, bro, especially in the age of Corona. Respect.

I'm straight. Now you're calling me out like a bitch on the show. Let's go layer right now, right here. This means do not stage this. Wow. You guys should have a fist fight. I got my money on Michael layer. Slap off.

Look out. Here's the problem. Look how fast I can find her. Let's see it. For those of you just listening to the show, it was very slow and he almost fell out of his chair. It blew my hair back on the other side of the stage. We all agree.

I was right. Absolutely. Michael layer wins this. You've just started something that you started there. Look at that. He's going to give you a wig with fucking with smallpox on it next week. All right. The only thing I love more than Michael layer on this show is Michael layer twice on this

show. So there he was again, the great Michael layer giving us more very compelling, interesting times. Shout out to Jeremiah Watkins for sending in the screenshot of the DMs, giving us some of the inside baseball behind the characters of kill Tony. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This young lady became famous on the show in Ventura, California being pulled out of the bucket on both episodes of that show.

Fun fact, those were the last two shows in front of a live audience and she's back. Ladies and gentlemen, it is a blue ball is here. Blue ball. No, no, no, no. Here's blue ball everyone. I'm so happy to be out of my house. But I have to say being quarantined at home wasn't that bad for me. I kind of made the most of it.

I mean, I had struggles for sure. I struggled between like what Netflix show I was going to binge or what are the 27 podcasts that I'm going to watch while I rub one out and actually that's pretty much where everything turned into is I broke my own personal record many times and felt like, wow, I didn't think the pandemic was going to go on for that long and I burnt myself out big time that I hit my masturbation threshold. Anyone else? No.

Okay. Well, yeah, I thought it was, I think, I thought I broke myself but then I watched the comedy store's benefit for the employees and when I saw Bobby Lee's butthole. Yeah, what happened when you saw Bobby Lee's butthole? I got to know the end of this. I definitely started to get kind of warm but I lost my shit when I saw Joey Diaz unfold as fucking junk. All right.

There goes blue ball. Play some music, guys. Let's end this. She saw Bobby Lee's peaking duck. You know, this is what your fourth or fifth time on the show and I think every single time you've talked about your bubble. Not every time. Not every time.

I mean, I don't know. It might be every time but you definitely, you're very sexual on stage. I am who I am. Yeah, you're a sexual woman. Now, is that true that you masturbate? If I could only get laid though. Is it true that you masturbated a lot during the quarantine? Yeah.

Is there really, I know you were making jokes there but is there something that you watch or like I don't think women perhaps maybe it's just a stereotype that I'm not correct about but. No, I'm pretty good at doing it. I've got it down. You use your imagination or do you watch stuff? Now showing avatar. Sometimes it's watching something but there's like a lot of crazy shit on Netflix and whatever

now that is straight up porn. Like what? This show called, I mean a movie called Love but it's not the love thing. It's a movie. Gaspar Noe. Yes, thank you. Oh, snore. Do you know about that?

Yes. I know Gaspar Noe. The opening scene is full porn and then the whole movie is full porn. And that's the type of stuff that you like to rub it out to? No, actually I was kind of shocked to see that whole thing that I actually watched the movie. But no, I don't really need visual. I just kind of just need to look at guys. And what do you do?

Do you like use something in particular? Do you seem like the kind of lady that would have one of those big giant vibrators or something like that? Hitachi. No. Jackhammer. No. Or like a maze from a castle.

No. Anything. Like... A pet horse. Sometimes just a tight pair of pants works. A tight pair of pants? There's the noise. That's the noise of a tight pair of pants, right?

I'm just saying it's not one thing. It's just lots of things. Right. It's mental. You go ahead. You're seeing the movie Flubber with Rob Williams? Flubber? Yeah.

No. That's a great film. I'll put that on my watch list. Thanks. Oh, okay. So that's fun. Have you hooked up with anybody during the quarantine? No.

No. No, not at all. Are you kidding? Is that... You say that like... That was like a very like over-the-top answer. Are you being sarcastic? No.

No. I've been very corned. I've been very isolated. But even before the pandemic, no, I've had a very quiet... What's wild is that you seem a little bit less crazy than you did before being isolated for four months. Isn't that weird? Like the crazy people are getting normal and the normal people are going crazy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I'm still pretty nuts. But... Like what's one of the craziest things about you since I've gotten you to admit that you're nuts? Go ahead. That as sexual as I may sound, I haven't had sex in a very, very long time. How long are we talking about here?

How many years? Five. Five years. Is there a reason? Is there something that you're ashamed of? Like... No. No.

I just like... I get to know people and they laugh at my jokes and then the other things coming out of my mouth and they're like, I could never put my dick in that thing. Did you hear the things that come out of her mouth? You don't talk to many comedians, do you? Yeah. What the fuck? Well, I just started to, but still like, yeah, I'm not getting it.

I'm not getting approached and whatever. You're like drew very more than anything. My e-Harmony account went dry because there was no one like compatible within so many miles and like... I don't just think. Have you heard of something called Tinder? No. No.

Yes, I have. And no, I am not on that. Huh. Thank you. You have Wi-Fi? Just an advice from a 15-year-old boy. I do have Wi-Fi. Okay.

But no, I just... Five years. Have you been on dates? Like when's the last date you went on? Guy take you to dinner at all? No, I go out with friends. But we're friends. I have friends zone people because, you know, like I walk into a room like I smell sausage.

It's like that's the... Have you ever seen the movie Snake Eyes with Nicholas Cage? It's a good movie. Yes, I have. Great film. Okay. That works. Thanks.

That'll work sparingly, that type of like reference. What do you mean? Nicholas Cage movies? Yeah. Okay. Eight millimeter? Yeah. Great film.

Face-off? American Treasure? National, never mind. Snorke. We just got Forrest Gump, okay? Snorke, not only did you say the wrong movie, but you had no accent whatsoever. I've been learning English from... Do they call it American Treasure when you're broke?

Yes. You have to say it like that. American Treasure. Dude, Snorke. What do you hear? My impression of how you sound? American Treasure. Snorke is the guy that's on the operation box.

Okay. So... Got him. He's... Right? Jesus. Blue ball. You're out of control.

That's fucking good. Operation. Coming from a box that has been operated on. Okay. Yeah. Anyway. American Treasure. What do you like to do?

You've been isolated. How do you kill the time when you're not... I actually have been working on all my videos to submit when, for you, like, and my whole passion has been writing and I'm really just... I feel like I'm coming into my own. Like, I'm not wearing a diaper tonight. I'm... Oh, that's right.

You're not wearing a diaper pre-quarantine. How about? How about? How could I forget that? And then I said I had a fans-only account selling my diapers and you're like, only fans and whatever. Why does she wear a diaper again? I can't remember.

Because that's like the... It's the nervous thing where, like, I have stage fright and I think I don't have... I don't know if I don't have it, but right now, with no one really in here, I'm okay with myself. It's really weird. Have you had a kid? Do you have a kid? Not that I'm aware of.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Well, Blue Ball, you are as Snorg would say, an American treasure. Thank you. I'm glad that you signed up tonight. It's always a pleasure to have you on. You're very different.

Thank you. You're a wild, wild spirit. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the comedy styling of Blue Ball. Thank you. Blue Ball. Forget about me. Blue, blue, blue ball. All right.

Time for a regular, everybody. This young man, great joke writer, unbelievable roaster. I love him. He's my brother from another mother. The thriller in my manila, the rumble in the jungle, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only David Lucas. Yeah. What's up, y'all?

Oh, damn, the mic's not even working. White women are pissing me off. Y'all ain't fooling me, marching with Black Lives Matter. The whole host just want some shit to complain about. White women are saying that calling them Karen is the same thing as calling them a nigger. Like, bitch, get the fuck out of here. Did somebody spray you with a fire hose while yelling Karen? Did a nigger chase you down the street with a German shepherd while yelling Karen?

I protested in one protest during the Black Lives Matter. I didn't protest like in the hoods and shit. Like I protested in the suburbs with some niggers that had shit to lose. Like I protested with some doctors and lawyers, like, oh, yeah, y'all got jobs. I could protest with y'all. But I saw a white girl so thick during the Black Lives Matter protest that I started chanting All Lives Matter. I was like, man, this bitch fine as fuck.

Hell, yeah, David Lucas. I love it. Play that fucking music, white boys. And they go, they just did. I love it. White women, Black Lives Matter, white women, Karen and those are my notes from that. Yeah, I'm about to fucking make that shit like five, six minutes. Hell, yeah, stretch it out just like you would a white woman. You already know, Tony.

Because you were a white woman. That's right. That's me. That's me. I'm actually the white woman that at the 12 o'clock, Tony loses facial hair. Y'all niggers just don't know. That's true. That's absolutely true. A lot of people don't know this, but David Lucas actually looted looted my home during the I stole a dildo in a cape. I seriously want that cape back when you get a Tony's car smell like rubber bands.

Why? Why would my car? Why would my car smell like rubber bands? Because it's latex. Oh, yeah. No, that's true. Yeah, you gay, arctic fox looking motherfuckers. That's me. I'm a gay, arctic fox and you are a straight. Giant black man. Yeah, you look like a mechanic.

The only work on Prius is that's actually I actually that's actually one of the things that I've been doing to supplement my income. An electric car specialist. Yeah, I also work on electric motorcycles. I give a red band a little tune up, bro. That's what I see red because I saw a red bed post that he wrote like 15 miles. It did today when I saw that it was electric. I was laughing so hard.

I know, trust me. I don't know why you guys think I'm like trying to pull a fast one on. It's so funny. From day one, I've said I'm getting an e-bike. It's fucking cool. I saw that too. Brian, if it makes you feel better. I haven't joked about it, but I did screenshot it. When you posted your trail of electric bicycling,

like you're actually exercising. You guys just need to come over and fucking get on it. That's like that's like it's just about having fun. I don't know why you guys are like freaking out about tracking where I went in my Corvette and being like went for a 20 mile jog today in my Corvette. Red band bicycle cut off when he go up hills. Wow, Tony ran 130 miles an hour down the 10 freeway one point. Red Bay, you should get a dirt bike, bro.

It's not more manly, but my shit's faster than that. Every every bike with red band on it's a dirt bike. It has instant torque. You know, it doesn't have like the gears like that's fast. It's like a Tesla usually want to have a reason to plug some shit up so you can go get some food. He has instant torque to get his instant pork. That's hilarious.

You ever ride an electric bicycle? No, I'm straight. No, come on. That's not a game. We make everything game, Tony. Everything I do is gas until they run out of fossil fuels, Nick. Wow. I did use I lied. I did used to have a hybrid I3 BMW. Oh, OK.

But the motherfucker only went like 110 miles. So it was it was only it was a great car, a lot of room. Is that the one that has like the weird wood? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it sucks. Cars go slower because you're in them like they can't hit the max speed because you have you have the weight of like a small family. Oh, OK. A small like Mexican family.

You make dogs start urinating. I make dogs urinate. Yeah, when you walk at the house, this is what it's like. This is why you don't see another show where the same two people roast each other for seventy four episodes in a row. You make dogs urinate. This would literally be the final episode of Rose Battle. This was that show.

They'd be like, well, that's it. An exec would be like, oh, they've run out. David Lucas said, Tony makes dogs urinate. That's funny, though, right? No, it's actually true. I actually go to the dog park sometimes. I'm like the dog. You've heard of the dog whisper.

I'm the dog, Pissper. You're the dog tickler. Yeah, I go up and I start tickling the dogs. You do look you do look like you could communicate with squirrels, though. I do. I do. We both love putting nuts in our mouths. So for the winter time. Yeah. And we both love climbing trees and staring at guys

from above. See, I can make gay jokes about me, too. Well, fuck it's defense is one hundred. That's it. That's a joke. And when he give you the joke, that's it. I'm like the Tennessee Titans on Madden, except the only Titan on me is my butthole. It's Titan and tight. We all know that.

And my fuck is Lucy Goosey. That's right. So, David, what else has been happening? What do you what do you got going on in your life? And shit happened since last week, dog. Same old slow motion. I went to the beach today to fucking right, dog. That shit was OK.

You washed up on shore. If you don't get your starfish booty hole, look at that. I'm proud of you, bro. Fuck a sea urchin. Look at that. You went to the beach to go right. So what did you do? Did you walk on the sand? Yeah. Was it quick sand? Did you start sinking like like the horse in the never ending story?

Falcor. Oh, that's really sad. Corona said nothing's quick with him. Oh, hey, man, if you don't get your deceased, Chris Cornell looking at somebody here, bro. Hey, people often tell me I look like deceased Chris Cornell. Anyway, but you know a lot about black hole sons. That's actually one of my favorite songs, bro. Really? Yeah. Well, yeah.

OK, so you went to the beach. What happened at the beach? I just chill, you know, sunbathe, get a tan. Yeah, trying to get darker in rope, right? Does that work for black people? Yeah, I don't sunburn. So I just get dark. I didn't think you got could get darker.

I thought it would just if you suntan, I should go smell like turkey bacon. Get your ass up out of here, bro. Fucking veggie patty smelling asnik. Jesus, that'd be the only sunbathing. It's the only kind of bathing that red band does. And my father called his dick the impossible burger. Oh, my God.

What the fuck's that even mean? Because it's not real meat, but it tastes like real meat. How do you know how my dick tastes like? Well, OK, right. Chicks be telling me. Oh, that girl over there. They be like, you taste better than red button. Oh, oh, shit.

An Asian girl. Yeah. Oh, fuck, man. This is wild. This is a there's a lot of drama on. I like this tonight's episode of kill Tony is a lot of inside information. Yeah, I love your Asian impression. By the way, can I hear that one more time?

You taste better than red. My God. Wow. Red bad have spring roll. Black guys are allowed to do any kind of impression they want. By the way, if I do that, it's racist. If I go, oh, your dick tastes better than red bands. Like I'm like canceled, but they can't cancel a podcast. They can't cancel the nigga.

Right. That's what I was going to say. If I was allowed to say whatever I wanted, that's what I would say. I'll just say it for you. No, I can't say it. But I will say this is that you're always fun. We always have a blast.

Always fun, fun conversations and great jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas. Yes, sir. There he goes on to the next one we go. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I have pulled yet another name out of the bucket. This is this young lady's first time on the show. And so here we go, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the comedy stylings of CC.

Here we go. It's time for CC. CC. The Titanic. Oh my gosh. All right. Hi, guys. My name is Carolyn. I guess I'll just go. So I think as a nation, like I'm appalled at how we've been treating like sex offenders

without knowing the whole story behind it. For instance, I was arrested about a year ago for masturbating, and it wasn't my fault at all. Like I have this thing where like I masturbate in my sleep, you know, so it's like sleepwalking. You can't tell that you're actually doing it. But like, so like, for instance, like if I'm like having this dream, like, I don't know,

like I'm kidnapped by ISIS and like they're like, oh, you either need to like, oh, like, either way, we're getting ahead, you know, of course, I'm going to finger myself like I'm only human. So like anyway, like it wasn't my fault that I masturbate my sleep. It also isn't my fault that I like fell asleep in church with my eyes open. But like it kind of looked worse than it was, you know,

so it's like I didn't like have to do jail time, but I had to do like community service. So like, you know, that big brother, little brother program, like the big sister, little sister thing. Oh, there you go. There you go. Absolutely. Cece.

That was Cece's time. Hi, Cece. Hi. How are you? A little drunk, to be honest. Oh my goodness. Yeah, so early to you had to sit down. He can't stand up for a couple of minutes.

Well, they got to sit down. Wow. Following in the footsteps of Michael Lair and Kyler Bentley over there. Maybe we can get you a. OK, so Cece, this is your first time on the show. How long have you been on comedy? I haven't at all.

This is your first time ever performing? Pretty much. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. That's interesting. Is this something you've always wanted to do? I mean, no, not really. I just like I love hearing people laugh, despite what happened. Were you just running past the comedy store

and thought you'd stop in? Yeah, I was running. You do have some workout gear on? Well, because I came straight from Jiu Jitsu. Oh, that's cool. You do Jiu Jitsu. How long have you been doing that for? About a year.

OK. What level are you at? Well, so I feel like I don't know. I've only been doing it a year, right? But I feel like if you can beat a black belt, you should automatically be a black belt. Have you beaten a black belt? I have. Really?

In Jiu Jitsu? Yeah. Or something else? Like in Jiu Jitsu? Like Go Fish? How did you beat a black belt? Was he just wearing a black belt? Well, I ride a motorcycle.

He's just a businessman outside of the gym. I ride a motorcycle so like my legs are super strong. Really? Yeah. She thinks black belts are black people with white belts. I don't know. Can we maybe, you know, I don't know if you know this, but snorke here has been doing Jiu Jitsu.

Would you let her would you let her wrap her legs around you and you think I'm going to touch another human during a worldwide pandemic? I forgot. I forgot. I'm sorry. Maybe they could wrestle six feet apart. Yeah. Can you guys do? All right.

Wait, what was the move that beat the black belt? Yeah. That's what I want to know. It's a go-go plotter. Wow. Yeah. That's not even an easy move to do. It's not, but I'm really flexible.

That is incredible. And was everybody really impressed at the gym when you did that? Kind of. They all went, whoa. Wow. And it is kind of crazy. And you made the person tap. My goodness gracious.

That is very impressive. Thanks. What else do you do? What do you what else are you into? I ride motorcycles. OK. They're called electric bikes. I mean, mine's an actual motorcycle.

It's an electric bike. Yeah. How long you've been riding motorcycles for? Also about a year. Do you ever take the area that you traveled and post it online like you exercised? No, I don't. Yeah.

Again, I did not post it like, hey, I exercised today. I said I went on a fun bike ride today. I know. But that's what people do on their bicycles. Like you have to say, I went on a fun electric bike ride. I did. I even posted the link to the motorcycle or the e-bike. Jesus.

The motorcycle? It's just funny, man. It really isn't. I mean, what's funny is if I was going, hey, I went on. I worked out hard today. Look at where I worked out today. I just picture a red van sitting at home with his VR set on a chair.

Is this how funny it is when I get mad on the show? Yeah. You're finally seeing it after hundreds of episodes. No, I know. That's why I continue to do it. I'm in full control. What is the name of the Jiu-Jitsu school that you go to? 10th Planet.

No shit. Wow. Wait, did you beat Eddie Bravo and did he have a boner? No, but honestly, that is kind of what gives me an advantage when they're mad. Go ahead. When they get a boner, yeah, they start to get all nervous and they start to make mistakes.

And I'm like, ah, and then I just, wow. Can you feel them get boners sometimes? Damn. That's wild. You use that to your advantage. Well, yeah, because, yeah. Wow. That is impressive.

When there's blood going to. When there's less in the brain. See, that's what happens to me when I do Jiu-Jitsu with other men. I get boners and they're all like, dude, what the fuck? And then I choke them out. No ghee, no anything. With your dick. Yeah.

Which location do you train on? The one on La Cienega. Oh, cool. OK. Where is that La Cienega and what? Scott Epstein's gym. Yeah, I know Scott Epstein's gym. I roll with like Annie Letterman a lot.

I go to Andrew Epstein's gym. Andrew Epstein? Or meant Jeff Epstein. I fucked that up. Read a Prince Andrew article today and got him crossed up there. Jeff Epstein is the famous pedophile. Mm-hmm. OK.

So that's at La Cienega near what Cross Street? Whitworth or something, I think. OK, so it's pretty far south. Yeah, it's a little pass at Beverly Center. That's fun. What else have you been doing during this quarantine? I've finished writing a bunch of scripts that I've been working on.

But it sucks because I started writing them all pre-quarantine whatever, and so I feel like now I can't do any of them. Right. Like, yeah. Yeah, that is a predicament that everybody's in. Has Eddie Bravo ever trained one of your classes? No. So you don't know any of the conspiracy theories

that he usually does? No, what conspiracy theories does he have? There's a lot of them. I guess he does this thing where before a class, he'll have a talk with everybody. But it's just him saying his most recent conspiracy theory. And so all these guys are like, I'm just here for jiu-jitsu. I don't do flat earth.

Yeah, all right. Well, that's fun. You have a boyfriend, Cece? I have a few. Oh, OK. Whoa. Yeah, one in the jiu-jitsu, two in the shitsu. You know what I'm saying?

Got Mitch on that one. How about you, Jen? You ever do any jiu-jitsu? I mean, I could if I trained as an actress, but I haven't yet. What characters do you like to play in acting? You know, whatever part I'm given, I can play them all. Really?

Yeah. OK. Maybe we can get you to do a little scene, maybe with Spencer here. Can you guys do it? You guys know your movies. Can you do like a scene out of American Treasure or something like that?

American Treasure. Maybe Forrest Gump or something? Like you could tell him that you're dying or something like that? Do you have AIDS? So I'll be Jenny, not far off. Sorry, Jen. And he'll be a retard, not far off.

Forrest, what are you doing here? I came to see you, Jenny. You know this isn't going to work, Forrest. What do you mean? I'm sick. What do you mean by sick, Jenny? I'm sick. I have AIDS.

OK, all right. Wait, let this go. OK, you guys want to keep going? No, go. I'm really in this right now. Forrest? What is AIDS, Jenny? Oh, Forrest, you're so dumb, you'll never understand.

Well, could you try to break it down for me? I know I'm not smart like those other guys. Listen, just go run, Forrest. Get out of here. Run, Forrest. You want me to run? Run. Run?

Run, Forrest. Run. You don't actually have to run. You could just ride on an electric scooter and post like you ran. OK, oh god, it's so funny to me. All right, CeCe, this was fun. Thank you.

You led us into a scene out of one of the great movies, 1994's Pulp Fiction. I mean, Forrest Gump. There you go, there goes CeCe, everybody. 1994 best film at the Academy Awards. Beating Pulp Fiction. That's why I said that. Confused myself with the 94th thing.

I do kind of think that if you beat a black belt, at least maybe three times, you should automatically be a black belt. I think so, too. I mean, every other competitive or martial art. Or that black belt goes backwards. Right. Yeah.

I think that seems fair. I mean, if you're boxing or in pro wrestling and you go against someone with a fucking belt and you beat them, you get their belt. I think she should get a black belt. I do, too. I'll talk to Eddie about it. There you go.

It's going to put in a good word for you. You might have to meet you. Absolutely. All right. Round and round, we go back to the bucket. There's only one person left. I know who this is. This young man was on the show just a couple of weeks ago.

And he is back. He is a cool dude. Amazing, amazing door guy here at the comedy store. Great comedian out of beautiful Atlanta, Georgia. Ladies and gentlemen. One of my favorite people to kick it with this year, 2020. One of my favorite new friends of 2020. Ladies and gentlemen, Mitch Burrow is here.

Mitch Burrow. Hey, Mitch Burrow. All right. Mitch Burrow. Mitch Burrow. Here he is, Mitch Burrow. I know it don't look like it, but I fuck sometimes. The last time I was fucking a chick,

she had her dog in the room. And I was like, hey, you got to get this dog out of here. And she said, you need to quit being weird. And I was like, no, you and this dog need to quit being weird is what needs to happen. Because I don't think this is, I'm not the weird one for not wanting this. You have an audience and I don't like it.

And she was like, no, you got to stop. I was like, look, I know this is weird. And I know it's weird because this isn't a category on Pornhub. That's how I know it's weird. There's a lot of weird shit on there. People are fucking their step sisters. They're fucking their step moms, which first of all,

all those are very unrealistic. Not a single one of them is named Tammy. So I know that's not a real step mom, because that's what mine's name was. And I never wanted to fuck her, because she was mean. But that's not what's important. Here's the thing, there's fucking your step sister. There's fucking your step mom.

You know what's not on there? Fucking your step sister while the family pet watches you. That's not on there. All right. Hey, can I just say something real quick? Absolutely, Mitch. Jenny, when you're playing Jenny and you go forced, what are you doing here?

Bitch, you invited him to tell him that he's got a son. Did you ever watch the fucking movie? It was a character choice, Mitch. I'm glad you didn't die, by the way. I found out later that she didn't even, I heard a rumor that she didn't even have AIDS, that she had something else. It's hepatitis.

Is that true? Yeah, because it is. It's hepatitis. Is that true? Yeah, because this is the 70s. They didn't get AIDS in the 70s. Also, she wasn't a gay man. So like it wasn't, like at that time,

that's the only thing. She was a heroine at it. Yeah. And they were just trying to scare everyone with the AIDS thing. It didn't get over there at that point yet. This is still very early in the AIDS. Craig, it was hepatitis.

Where I am from, we still haven't gotten AIDS. Is that true? Yes, for as I know. Frogtown? That's just crazy, dawg. Never a case of AIDS in Frogtown. You've been to Frogtown before snorkeling? Once or twice.

I would say that it is an American treasure. Frogtown, baby. Oh, yeah. You go to Frogtown a lot? Oh, yeah, dude. I love fucking drugs and shit. That's right. When you're not in Hogtown, you go to Frogtown.

Mexican skateboarders. That's what they got in Frogtown. I know one of them. People in Frogtown are very proud to be from Frogtown. It's one of those places with a lot of pride. It's like the South. They shouldn't be, but they are. Right.

And people from young people. Do you guys have a Confederate flag in Frogtown? Do you snorke? You've been there once or twice or three times. You seem very mad. I don't know if this is the right time to say, but... You seem mad about... I have AIDS.

Hell, yeah. Actually, it's just hepatitis. Mitch, is that true that you had sex with a girl and her dog was in the room? What kind of dog was that? What part of that don't you believe, Tony? No. I believe it. I believe it.

Yeah, yeah. But I also believe the kind of girls you have sex with, they probably only have one room. I feel like this was probably a studio apartment. And she's like, what room would you like the dog to go into? It was a shared apartment. She had a roommate and I was like, put it in the roommate's room or something. It was like a little, it was a little retarded dog. Oh, what kind of...

Well, I mean, it was blind. I don't really know if that's retarded. It was blind? What does that word mean? Oh, it's still forest over here. Just, you know, not right. Special. When you see that dog, you go, oh, bless its heart.

You know, it's like one of them kind of dogs. Oh, that dog, that dog's special. You should bless its eyes, this blind, ugly, fucking, dumbass dog. I hate him. He almost said that if the dog was blind, why get it out of the room? Yeah. Yeah. What are you afraid it's going to see?

That's actually a good point there. Because its sense of smell is way stronger. Mitch is afraid that blind dog's going to find his fucking little duty hole, huh? You know, you, uh, you, you slipped Ginny up at the, at the right time. She and I were about to start a real big podcast together. Oh, she was going to go from forest gump to forest plump. How long were you sitting on that night? That was pretty good.

You really believe that life is like a box of chocolates. You want to eat it up. Everything that it has to offer. Yeah. Except for the running part. You have nothing in common with forest on that. I ran, I ran today. Yeah.

Yeah. I got, I raced an 11 year old. Really? And I won, I won the first half, but he got me on the, on the way back. Wow. Was he blind too? No, no, he was, he just wasn't fat and it really worked in his favor. Damn.

An 11 year old. Well, how'd you race an 11 year old? How does that even begin? Uh, another door guy, uh, used to be a door guy or funk child. Yep. His son is visiting. Okay. Uh, and I, I was hanging out with them at the beach today, uh, completely unrelated

to David Lucas. Wow. Everybody, all the door guys were at the beach today. They didn't even know it. I like to go on Tuesdays because the meteorological society is out there checking the tide. So I just run out there and I fuck it up for them. Wow. And you think when you hear that the meteorologist is out there, you think that's a guy that

specializes in meat. See, I tried to beat you to a fat joke and you just jumped on. No, he has tons and tons of them. Yeah. Just like you do. Like you. So yeah, I challenged him to a race. That's great.

It was just too far. And just like, uh, and just like, uh, just like your alcohol problem. He caught up with you. Wait, I don't have an alcohol problem. What are you talking about? I love it, Mitch. So that's great. You were hanging out with funk child.

He's a legend. He's been on the show numerous times. Chinese, uh, Chinese warrior. I did a weekend with him in La Jolla, uh, as everything closed down. Um, got to make fun of him. It was, I did, uh, he taught me how to say, uh, I miss you in Chinese. Oh yeah. Well, how does that?

What is that? Sit, knit. Oh shit. I think Brian just reversed the tape. That's, that's real. I believe that. Well, I sit, knit. Damn.

Oh my goodness. Every time you do that, there is a gong. Oh, you guys remember that movie, uh, the one with that? What's that happening? Hot stuff. 16 candles. That does not hold up very well. I just watched it the other day and there's a part where they're like, who's that creepy

person at our house? We need to wash the sheets after he sleeps there. Long duck dong. Yeah. He's just talking about a Chinese guy. Oh shit. You know what's fucked up? I lived in Japan for three years, can speak some Japanese and can do a great Japanese impression

and not allowed to do it. It's very accurate, but I'm not allowed to do it. Why aren't you allowed to do it? Because you can't do Asian accents. Arigato. It's Arigato. Arigato. Arigato.

Arigato gozaimasu. But like, so the thing with like eight, the Japanese, these a lot of sounds when they're talking, you know, they, they're very expressive. Yeah. So like, sagoi means great, right? Sagoi? Or Makatsuku. Makatsuku.

That means I'm angry, but you wouldn't just say Makatsuku. You'd go, oh, chou Makatsuku. Right. And that would be like, I'm very angry, but then people would hear me do that and they'd be like, why are you making fun of anime right now? Yeah. That's why Japanese porn is the best because they make all the extra moaning sounds when they're like, even when I was over there, fucking Japanese chicks couldn't watch the porn.

Right. Why? Because the real Japanese chicks don't act like you're murdering them during the process. Hi. Hi. Hi. It's so weird. Hi.

Hi. They can't cancel anything anymore, guys. You could do this all day. You could all jump in. None of you are getting a send out. Dreams are over. We were canceled two months ago. Hi.

Hi. Hi. But like, uh, if you ever want to, if you ever want to fuck a Japanese chick, you just go up to her and you say, yaddy tie. And that means I want to fuck. Yaddy. Don't do that. Yaddy tie.

Yaddy tie. Yaddy tie. Yaddy tie. And if you want to sweeten it up a little bit and not the wakire, that means you're very beautiful. Yaddy tie. Arara wakure. Perfect.

Dude, if I was a Japanese chick, I'd be fucking you right now. Wow. That's awesome. Oh, wait. Where are you going? Okay. This is, uh, this is what we call the climax of the episode. Uh, Mitch, anything else, uh, happening fun in your world this week?

Uh, jeep broke down on the way here. Oh, shit. How'd that happen? What went wrong there? Just, uh, exceeded the weight capacity. Oh, you son of a bitch. Not gonna let you do it. No, it's, it's overheating or something.

I either, I like, it's overeating. That's crazy. I need, uh, it's overeating. All right, guys. Bye. Come on. Come on. I mean, I can't.

What are you talking about? Come on. That was too good. That was a jeep shot. Overheating. So here's, so I need, I need like a thermostat or, or a, or a water pump. A thermostat. I need a thermostat, preferably with gravy in it.

There's got to be a part on the jeep that I can name that. What was the other thing? A thermostat or a what? A water pump. A water pump. Or a fucking starter. I don't know. I just named parts of the engine.

Starters appetizers. Whatever. I'll do it. Joel Burke. Joel Burke. I'll do it. Joel Burke. Joel Burke.

Joel. I love it. That was a good one. Yeah. You could fix your car. Did you think about using the defibrillators that you have on the back seat? That's not how you jump it off. Clear.

No, but I'm probably going to work on it tomorrow. It's not how you jump either. All right. People can, uh, subscribe to my YouTube channel to see me work on a jeep. Okay. What's your YouTube channel? It's just Mitch Burrow. Okay.

Yeah. M-I-T-C-H-B-U-R-O-W. Yeah. That's it. And on social media you are. Everything. Mitch Burrow. Everything's all one word.

Mitch Burrow. TikTok. I'll give you a personalized horse go breeding. So, you know, follow me on there. Okay. The redneck astrologist. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

Go on. It's TikTok. He has that. That's a successful thing you have going on the redneck astrologist. It's pretty good. Yeah. It's doing all right. Absolutely.

All right, man. Well, fun times, Mitch. Always a pleasure. I'm sorry. I'm just very distracted. I know. I feel like, were you just sitting on something? What?

Did you have another way to call me fat? I feel like there was another. Yeah, but let's just move on. You're an American treasure. Come on, Snork. Do it. I want to hear it. Honestly, I had nothing.

What kind of jeep do you have? A Wrangler? Yeah. It's a 1998 TJ. Oh, okay. It's the last, it's the last model that had the 4.06L. It's the best one as long as it's running. Okay.

Yeah. What is, uh, what does TJ stand for? The Jeep. Oh, that's it. I don't know. So you almost said Trader Joe's. You had to see. You think I go to Trader Joe's?

You have the jacket of the president of Trader Joe's. I was really hoping you could make it the whole time without. Not only the president, I'm also a member. I mean, I was going to give you some real Jeep knowledge. Yeah. The first Jeep after the military was called a CJ, which stood for civilian Jeep. Then you had a YJ. People didn't like it.

And then they moved to the TJ and then they just keep adding letters. Now you, you love the PB and J, right? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You ever put, you ever put that marshmallow? You know, it's bad when you hear David Lucas cackling at fat jokes in the corner. You ever put that marshmallow puff on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Like, I know, I know what this is doing right now.

I get it. But that shit is delicious. That sounds horrible. It is not. Oh, right, man. You're that. Yeah, right. A s'more.

I just don't like marshmallow and mixing that with peanut butter and jelly seems out of control. It feels like I'm eating myself. Wait, were you direct? Wait, was that directed at Red Man or me? Oh, okay. Yeah, that was great, dude. Good shit. All right.

Fun times, Mitch. Great time. Here goes the great Mitch Burrow, everybody. There goes Mitch Burrow. That was Mitch Burrow. There goes Mitch Burrow. Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow. All right.

We've come to that part of the night, ladies and gentlemen, this young man, a very controversial figure on the show. People either love him or hate him. He's been winning a lot of people over lately, and he's also lost some people lately. He is a polarizing figure, and with no further ado, I give to you the big red machine, William Lights Out Montgomery. Here we go. Here he is.

What's up? They call me William Lights Out Montgomery. That's because I have hepatitis C. I think Victoria's Secret was that its founder gave 1 billion to Jeffrey Epstein for no obvious reason. I don't know if you all have ever seen Michelle Jordan play. He's that French basketball player. Wait, is this fucking Pizza Hut or Domino's?

That's what I like to say when I call it Papa John's. I only watch porn for the nostalgia. Man, really hard to repeat. My set from last night, I killed it last night. It was probably my best set I've had. It sort of bothered me. I was shitting on me all night. I've had all day to really dwell on that, and I think we need to talk about that.

It really made the fucking sound. There you go. There's a minute for more William Lights Out Montgomery. Make the fucking sound. William Montgomery. Make the fucking sound. William Montgomery. What happened last night?

Oh, the elephant noise. Last week, William, is what you're talking about. You keep saying last night, you mean last week. Last week. Yep. What happened? Probably it was my best set. Well, you were on quadruple kill Tony probation for the first time ever with the management, the cast, the crew, who you have been both physically and physically.

You didn't tell me it was the crew as well. Yeah, David Deary. What do you mean the crew? David Deary, I hate that fucking pussy. Why? Why do you hate him? He's a nice guy. I tried to kiss him the other night, and he didn't reciprocate.

I know you're not supposed to do things like that during this global pandemic. I love that guy. You all seen David Deary recently? Look at his fucking pussy ass. His actual problem. Look at how he's fucking sitting, just like a bitch. Oh my God. You would set like that, David Deary.

You piece of shit. David is... Why didn't you kiss me last week? No one wants to be near you. Dude, I'm sick. Okay, we get it. Everybody gets it. Y'all are in for a treat.

The cameraman, this is my showtime at the Apollo. Just set to get one showtime at the Apollo. Really excited to be here. Thanks for having me. Your pizza Domino's Papa John's joke was great. Is that true? Do you do that sometimes? It is.

I hate the new Shaq pizza. He claims it's an extra large. It happens to be just a large. Same amount of pepperonis, same amount of cheese. A dollar goes to some bullshit charity for black kids. I'm not buying it. But I am calling up Papa John's. Ask it, hey, what is this?

Pizza Hut? Or Domino's. Or Domino's. Have y'all had the cheese bread from Domino's? That is to die for. Jeremiah, it looks like you have. What's up with your hair tonight, dude? My name is Spencer.

Hey. Spencer, what's up? What's up with your hair? Just been growing it out. Love it. It looks pretty. Oh, thanks. Red Band, what's up with the hood over your head?

What's going on? Because you fucked up last night on the AV? Last week. Last week on the AV? I fucked up last week. Why isn't it on YouTube? That was my best set. It is on YouTube now.

Yeah. Is it? Yeah, last week's episode is now on YouTube. Cool, perfect. Another fun fact about last week's episode is that afterwards on that Monday night, my sleep schedule's actually evolved a little bit. Hey, Michael, quit laughing like that. I hate your girlfriend.

William, over here. So my sleep schedule's evolved a little bit during this pandemic, and I was actually asleep by about just a touch before 1 a.m. last Monday. And I called you. And you didn't answer. And yeah, that is true. My phone, I forgot to turn the ringer off. Very rarely do I forget to turn the ringer off.

What is your ringer, by the way? It's the song Money from Pink Floyd. I love that. I thought that was Joe Walsh. It's Pink Floyd. Oh, Jesus. I thought that was a Joe Walsh song. Anyway, why were you calling me last week at 1.57 a.m., by the way?

I wanted to tell you this has been such a nice ride, but after y'all berated. Yeah, thanks, Redman. That really adds to it. Keep going. I just wanted to, if I could have gotten you on the phone, I would have said, Tony, this has been so sweet, so nice. But after tonight, I've had enough to some extent.

Yeah, that's perfect. That's exactly why I ignored the call. Look at you now. You're back like just a little bitch. And my eyes are yellow. You do have some Michael Jordan-esque eyes. Have you seen a doctor about this? Jeremiah told me to say that one.

Jeremiah, that went well. Thank you. My name is Spencer. Spencer, that was, you told me you were like, hey, tell everybody your eyes are yellow. These guys all work at movie theaters, William. You ever do anything weird when you go to movie theaters? You ever take any, you ever sneak any food in there yourself?

I have made out with a black chick and one. Oh yeah? What movie did you see do that at? Anaconda. Whoa. All right. You know, I actually talked to him last week after the show about 2 a.m. Oh, really?

He called you? No, I was playing virtual reality and somehow he entered my... Yeah, if y'all haven't watched Red Band's virtual reality, start watching it. It's to die for. It is, it's a wonderful thing to watch. Red Band, what are you doing on there, dude? Virtual reality?

What do you talk about on that thing? Get off of it. Get off of it. People are tired of it. Die for what? I'm tired of it. Get off of your. Are you fucking with me?

That is the weirdest mask. I know, in his mouth. It really moves. When you move your mouth, it moves too. Yeah, thanks. It cost a hundred bucks. Where'd you buy it from? Kmart.

Why? What do you mean? There's one left. I support small businesses. Why have you been so angry lately? A couple of months, your whole set, your whole everything has been just. You're really going to call me out on that?

I told you what happened. Yeah, yeah. What happened? My dog died two weeks ago. How did it die? His name was Scooby Doo. I accidentally fed him poison. What kind of poison did you feed him?

I injected a T-bone steak with a bunch of Clorox bleach. Why'd you do that? I was just, I was looking up YouTube videos and I did it and I left it on the floor. What kind of YouTube video suggested that you put Clorox bleach into a T-bone and feed it to your dog? What was the video?

It was a video. Spencer, get my back on this. You want Spencer to get your back? Get my back on this one. Spencer, do you know William? Yeah, he sometimes goes in my blockbuster. Oh. I love it in your blockbuster.

Yeah. Do you remember when we kissed two weeks ago in there? Do you remember that, Spencer? Uh, I mean off of the security camera and off the record, yeah. Off the record. Yeah. If you guys kissed, let's fuck that

because Spencer's 15. Whoa, William, another fucking comedian. That is the main song of Ina Kanda. You did that one well. Red Van got tired of all the bike jokes so he pulled up a song. Good job, Red Van. Do I have your attention?

Okay. All right, everybody. Everybody relax. William. Mr. Big Soundboard Man. Well, Spencer, chill out. Okay. Guys, settle down over here.

Yeah, stop. We crew. Go from Mrs. to Miss. All right. You go to Mrs. from Miss. She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly. Keep going, William. Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere.

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do. All of a song, day after Christmas. American tragedy. Yeah, that's a sad deal. It's about an abortion. Is it?

Yeah, it is. Really? Yeah, it's a sad deal. So you're going to get a... I mean, how was your test last week? Am I going to get a tattoo? Yes, I am. How was your test that you took last Wednesday?

How did that go? Strep throat. Oh, that's good. It's a good time to have strep throat, actually. Much better to have strep throat than the... Luckily, I don't have adenoids anymore. How's the spot on your belly? Can we get an update on that?

Can we see what's going on there? Let's see. It's being blocked by a shadow right now. Can you... Where is it? It's gone. It's a Christmas miracle. It looks like his belly button's waxing and waning right now.

What is that? A moon joke? Yeah. I just learned about it. Is that a fucking moon joke? Yeah, it is. Well, yeah. What's wrong with my belly button?

It's a giant as a moon. That's a giant as a moon. Yeah. That's funny. It does sort of look like... Can you lift up your shirt one more time? David, can you get in there again? That does look like the part of the Death Star where like ships fly into.

Yeah. Dark Vader flies his ship into that. Hey, y'all, what are we doing? Why are we flying into this? Oh, yeah. It also looks like the garbage dumpster where that snake creature is. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah.

The compartment where it's crashing. Swamp thing. I can't believe that is the planet Tatooine. Maybe. I love some Star Wars. Or where Boba Fett falls into that little hole with the teeth. That's it. Really?

Not really. The Sarlacc pit. Sarlacc pit. That's it. Where your belly button should be. Is there anything in your belly button right now? Huh? Is there anything in your belly button right now?

What do you think's in there? There's probably some cotton. Cotton? Mm-hmm. What is that, a black reference? Whoa. Come on, bitch. You just made it one.

Why don't we see? Maybe... Oh, God. That's weird, William. Oh, shit. Represent. Oh, shit. What's up, y'all?

You do that when you're out on the streets? Yeah, I do it at the swimming pools. What swimming pools? YMCA. Oh, my God. Do you at least make sure there's no children around when you do it? Yeah, sometimes. I'm usually swimming laps and that's why he's there.

Really? Uh-huh. Good. Okay, sometimes it's fun when... Sometimes it's good when an episode just sort of like cruises down, you know, nice and slow and we get to like, you know, really appreciate all the comedy that happened earlier on in the show, you know what I mean? Perfect.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the longest tenured regulars in the history of the show, the great William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. This was another episode of the show. We did it again. Fun stuff happening all around the world. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt.

Let's see what happened here tonight with the movie theater crew. That sometimes works at a blockbuster. There we go. Get on up in there, Ryan. Oh, look at that. Oh, it's another movie theater type homage thing. Am I right? Yeah, there's the concession stand.

I see me. I see William with horns. We have the great fire breathing. That is a... Is that Snorg? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because, yep, that makes sense.

Cool cat. Everybody. Michael Lair on a tank. I love it. What a crew. Snorg and Jen down below. Spencer up top. Slinging concessions.

Chroma eating the nacho cheese out of the dispenser. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. Grab a print. He also has a lot of auctions. I just saw a really cool auction of you. It's a joker that he has going on right now or he did. Everything's at RyanJEbelt.com. Go eat a Vito's pizza.

Get your coffee from cavemancoffeeco.com. Get your underwear over its sheath. Hire someone. It's it recruiter. A bunch of fun things you could do to show support for the show. Your Losanges for nicotine over at lucy.co. It's so good. So good.

So good. I like the cinnamon. Red band likes the winter green. And a bunch of other fun stuff happening. I have a roastmaster class on my Patreon. Everything roasting that you might want to know. Actual tons of content, man. Interviewing Jesse Joyce this week.

Just interviewed Sarah Tiana. Benji Aflalo. David Lucas. Dono Rawlings. Jeff Ross. Fun times. We just talk about making fun of people. So that's exciting.

Red band. Yeah. Check out my virtual red band. And also Brian Holtzman. Dead air. And of course, brothers and cursive. Which are we doing one last week? Okay.

So check that out. Oh yeah. I have a whole new merch store as well. Attached to my website. TonyHinchCliff.com. Brand new shirts drawn up by the McVader. Those are mostly a roastmaster class base. There's also a cute little HinchCliff red band.

2020 shirt there. I like it. Jeremiah Watkins has a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders. I'm sure of that. Tell me about it. It has Dr. Phil and the Starbucks assistant manager Aubrey on that episode. I thought that was last week's episode. It was this week's.

Shanks and Dr. Phil's last week. Oh yeah. Yeah. What else, Jeremiah? Anything else? At Jeremiah-Wadkins on Minmoat. Thanks for the support, guys. And if you're in the Tempe, Arizona area at the end of the month,

I'll be doing some shows there the last weekend of the month on Thursday and Friday. Tempe, Arizona. Yeah. And if you're on YouTube right now, head over to youtube.com. Jeremiah Watkins and hit that subscribe button. There you go. Also hit subscribe for this show if you haven't yet. Jen is actually Jetski.

Jesse Johnson quadruple J's tonight. You are Jetski Johnson on all platforms. What else, Jetski? That's it. At Jetski Johnson. Thanks, guys. Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris.

I miss anything tonight, Chroma. No, no. Just check me out the baby boys on Spotify. That's right. The baby boys on Spotify. T-H-E-B-A-B-Y-B-O-Y-S. And then, of course, the great Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez was here.

Believe it or not, that was stored the entire time. I know it's shocking. But go ahead, Joel Berg. You have a new episode of Mostly Sorry, which is also your name on all social media platforms. That's right. Yeah, me and David Deerey. We are American Treasures. That's right.

I absolutely love it. Are we missing anything? That's pretty much it. Thanks a lot, guys. Good night, everybody. Oh, thank you to everybody out on the patio that came tonight to the comedy store. We are streaming the show out there. Do we thank Charlie from Vitos for the ziti?

We'll be back next Monday with another episode of Kill Tony. Live. Thank you. Bye. Bye.