KILL TONY - KT #465 – QUARANTINED #20

Episode Date: July 31, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/20/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/KILL for a free online visit and free two day shipping.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv. There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left.

That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to your live from the road, famous comedy store, Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get off her, Tony. Yeah, give it up. Yeah, that's what we're doing. Hi, Brian. Hi, Tony. How are you? Great. How are you? Good. You've been doing a lot of golfing, man. I've seen a lot of photos. Where are you seeing photos? You just heard me say that I've been golfing. There was one post. Yes, I've been golfing a lot. I love it. It's a lot of fun, a lot of sunlight, riding around on golf carts, smoking pot, hitting balls. You going to the Trump course? I've been everywhere. Yeah. What's your favorite one here in Los Angeles?

I've been I've been to a lot of places. I mean, I did play Trump. Was it the nicest course that I played on? Yeah, it's a it's a two hundred and eighty million dollar course that I got a good deal on. Luckily. But yeah, I mean, there's a lot of great places. Yeah, tons of them. Shulk Canyon, Rustic Cove. A bunch of them. What's your best score? I don't know. No, no. Good. Good has been my best score. Par. What is it? Seventy two? I don't know. Something like that. Ryan J. E. Belt is here. He draws every single episode. Some amazing drawings lately. He's unbelievable. Posters every episode on for sale. It's all out there. Ryan J. E. Belt dot com. You can get them.

Why not? Vito's Pizza. Delicious Vito's Pizza. I've been indulging a lot this week and a lot of Italian food food from Vito's. I had the baked ziti yet again with meatballs this week. I had the baked ziti with sausage and meatballs. This is golf food, dude. Wow. It's good for people that ride electric bicycles, too. This is the electric bicycle diet. Baked ziti and pizza all from Vito's locations everywhere. I like the one on La Cienega, but they're also out in Santa Monica. They're in Sherman. Oh, they're everywhere. Vito's Pizza. Speedweed, the great Gino always joining us, always has our backs. The great Betterbox Studio was home to us for many months during the quarantine. We absolutely love them. Get a candle at damngoodcandleco.com.

Yeah. Roastmaster class is up and bumpingpatrion.com slash hingecliff for a bunch of extra Tony talking about making fun of people's stuff. Jeremiah is supposedly going on the road again. He has a bunch of dates that he just keeps announcing and canceling. He's filling in for 14 headliners that don't want the dates, and then he's surprised when he has to cancel them in the end. But he's supposedly going to Raleigh, North Carolina, August 13th through the 15th of Minneapolis, Minnesota, August 26th through the 29th. What else is going on? Anything crazy? Well, you got to get up to get down. I'm talking about erectile dysfunction, and it isn't always easy to talk about erectile dysfunction. Usually we just brush it off or blame ourselves saying,

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a fun one. I do believe lined up. You know, we never know that. I sometimes I lie. I say tonight's going to be a fun show, but I don't know how I don't know what kind of move the bands in. I don't know who's going to get pulled out of the bucket. I don't know if the regulars might be prepared or whatever. I don't ever know. This is a completely improvised show. Other podcasts, they know what they're going to talk about. They have a big white board and right behind the camera that you never see in which they talk about the things that they're going to talk about that they plan to talk about all week. Anyway, we do have a band on this show. They commit to being different characters every episode. We never know what they're going to be. Let's find out what they

are tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best stand band on the land. It's the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Walken, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, and Chroma Chris. Here we are. Let's see what happens tonight. Shall we? Here they come. I'm sure any moment now. We know this crew. Oh, wow. Okay. I thought it was newscasters, but now I'm a bit confused. Could be 80s comedians. Striking them in. Is it newscasters? Foul ball. Oh, it is newscasters. No, it is not. Foul is not when something's going smooth in

baseball, Tony. I thought it perhaps you were a sportscaster calling a foul ball. There you go. Sportscaster it is. You said newscasters. We do not. You're all sports guys. Yes. Yes. Okay. Well, then you're not newscasters. You are sports casters. Sports announcers, sports casters, sports broadcasters, whatever you'd like to say, Jody. Yes. Okay. So these are new characters. I know they debuted about four years ago. Very forgettable. Okay. Well, welcome back. What's your name? My name is Teddy Massingale. Teddy Massingale. Yes. Massingale. M-A-S-S-I-N-G-I-L. All right. And who's this here next to you with the massive coat? Hey, I got to fit all that muscle in there.

Wow. My name is Gary Balls. Gary. I love sports. Gary Balls. Welcome, Gary. Gary used to be very fat. Oh, okay. That is why the coat is big. Who are you? My name is Forrest Tony. Forrest Dunke. Forrest Dunke. Forrest. Forrest Dunke. Okay. That is correct. All right. Why do you have headphones on? Well, I have to listen to the people giving me the stats in the booth. Okay. And how about you? Hey, Tony, it is Grand Slam. Sam here, coming from you from the sidelines. Thank you, Grand Slam. There's really not any sports right now. So what have you guys been up to? Actually, baseball is back in season, actually. And this just in NFL canceled their preseason. Did that really just come in? Oh, yeah. No,

no, I did know that preseason. Yep. Okay. We got a bunch of sports guys with us here. I know you guys asked for it for them to come back and you got what you want with the sports. This has been four years in the making. The story of a comeback, the underdog, the Rocky story. You know, you look a lot like maybe I'm wrong because I get them all mixed together. There's a lot of characters, but you look like the 80s comedian that we've had on this show. That is actually my brother, Zippy. Zippy. And you guys have the same outfit, hair, mustache. Actually, no different mustache. Zippy doesn't have a mustache. When you do thousands of characters, they all start to look a little bit alike. All right. They all look alike to me. Well,

welcome guys. We're going to have fun. We have a four sign ups in the bucket. They are actually we have five tonight. So somebody's going to be left out. That gives it a little bit of a little bit of risk involved. Yeah. Five sign ups, four open slots. So we're going to see what happens. You get the Sally Jesse Raphael. Remember her? The glasses, the red glass. Wow. There you go. Red band showing his age. Sally Jesse Raphael reference here from deep old Hollywood salad dressing wrap salad dressing Raphael. David Lucas is in the audience roasting, roasting already salad dressing Raphael. So dumb. Let's get the show started. You know, we started the last couple few episodes with Michael Lair. But you know what? Every single time that guy goes off,

he proves to be a fucking closer. So we're going to flip it around again. Ladies and gentlemen, kicking off tonight's show, a beloved figure to many hated by so many more. It's incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, here's William Montgomery. What's up? First and foremost, I want to give it up for a salad dressing Raphael. He is a good friend of my uncles. I wrote this set after a couple of ice houses. Let's just call it that a couple nights ago. You know the difference between cancer and a child? My dad's got it. Who needs Jesus when you've got a metal detector? This is me working at Disney World. Check out the castle over there.

I'm coming out with a movie. It's called Spiky Pineapple. How do I hold this thing? Wow, William Montgomery. Really? What was up with that time? Whoa. What happened there? You left a lot of space for laughter there at the end. You must have thought that Spiky Pineapple joke was going to really... I did. Have you recently held a pineapple? Yes. They are spiky. Yeah. Yes, they are. Yeah, I came out with a movie. It's called Spiny Pineapple. But literally, I don't know how to hold the thing. Why would it be a movie? Why would you make an entire movie out of a spiky pineapple? It's a flipper. It's flipper too.

You know, you could just hold the pineapple with the spiky part away from you. Perfect. Maybe I won't write that movie. How much did you write? Like 200 pages. 200 pages. Wow. Clearly, you wrote something other than jokes this week. I was just wondering exactly what it was. Does your dad have cancer? He does not. He's cancer-free. It's been two years. So, did he used to have cancer? He just said... Yeah, he did at one point. Really? It's pretty much a miracle. And then William moved away. Then I moved away and his cancer was gone. The doctors didn't know what happened. But it was me moving away. My goodness gracious. How about the the Jesus

metal detector joke? Can we talk about this for a second? If you don't need Jesus, if you have a metal detector, can you explain? Yeah, you don't need Jesus. If you've got a metal detector. What do you mean by that? I mean, how many times have you been with Jesus, watching him walk on water? You can't walk on water. You're a fisherman. Jesus is a fisherman. He's a fisherman. Jesus is a fisherman. He's a fisherman. Is he? Was he a fisherman? Jesus is a fisherman. What passage of the Bible says he's a fisherman? August 2nd. Do you know Ted Massengill? Marvel Carpenter. But, you know, I think he's coming up with a fisherman because of the five loaves

and the two fish story and the parable in the Bible. Five loaves and two fish. Are we talking about Red Band's midnight snack last night? What's going on here? You've been posting some wacky news lately. A meal of biblical proportions. Hallelujah. Yeah, when is Red Band gonna die? Whoa, William. Red Band. What do you have to say about that? I've been sick of Red Band the past couple weeks. Why? I'm definitely not going to die of laughter. Whoa. Come on. What does that mean, Red Band? Because even when we asked you to explain that joke about the metal detector, it still made no sense. So you wrote a joke that an audience is going to sit there. That's one of my best jokes. William Backup. Okay. William Backup. Okay. All right. Let's talk about it. I'm sick.

I got 104. Let's talk about another one of your jokes here today. This is my, this is me working at Disney World. Hey, check out the castle. Hey, look at the castle over there. Did you just steal that from my second grader? I don't even think a second grader. I mean, that's, look at the castle over there. My point is Disney World is known for a Cinderella's castle. And I swear to God, if I'm working there, I am going to be saying, Hey, y'all look at, y'all look at that castle over there. Please. The Cinderella's castle. I've been working for Disney now for five fucking years. No, you work at a storage facility. Well, I'm actually had to resign. No, you didn't. Did you? I had to resign. Did you really? If anyone has a job, do you have a

job? Do you know you got a job for me? Yeah, nobody's really hiring right now. Okay. Okay. Bull. I, we had, I literally had tens and tens of people offer you jobs the last few years. Well, now I finally need one. You finally need one in the middle of a global pandemic. In a pandemic, I need a job. But you didn't accept any of the high paying jobs that would have changed your life and alleviated your alcoholism when the economy was booming. That was several months ago. Yeah. The economy's booming. I'm drinking a bunch of alcohol and sprite bottles. And you're telling me about these jobs and I greatly apologize. I should have listened to you. I need a job right now. So what kind of job are you? I gotta be back in Memphis soon. You are without a doubt. So what

kind of job are you willing to do? It's just so that the listeners out there know because a lot of the fans of the show, you know, we have zipper cruder. There's a lot of people hiring. So my question's this, just so that everybody knows what's the worst job that you would have ever done? No, no, no, no. William, listen, what's the worst job that you're willing to take right now? I would say a golf person at a putt putt, a golf person at a putt. Well, you're not getting that job. You're not getting that job. Putt putts are closed. Even the putting courses on. I need a job, Tony. I know. So I mean, what or what will I do? Yeah, what will you that's what I'm asking you? Red Band, are you hiring me? No, you you were saying it the other day. No, I wasn't.

William Bryant had to get a job at Trader Joe's. What are you talking about? Who's Ryan? Who's Ryan? Okay, William, what type of job do you think you'd be good at? Like a pet cow? What would you do at a pet code? You know, I work around the fish. Okay, let me ask you this. Okay, so let's do this. I'm a customer. I walk into a pet code. You work at the pet code. Hello, can you help me? Yeah, what are you looking for a channel cat? It's a channel cat fish. What are you looking for a channel cat? What the fuck's a channel cat? I'm a customer here. I was looking for some David. Why'd you tell me to say that? I was like, come on, dude. William, William over here. You can't just there's no like crowd. Yeah, what happened there? What happened there? William, so I'm at a pet code. I'm

a customer. Hi, I'm looking to buy a squirrel. Can you help me? Yeah, what's your name? Bob. Bob, what's your last name? Jenkins. Bob Jenkins, and I'm here to buy a squirrel. Do you have a squirrel? What what size do you want? Medium, a medium squirrel. What, two feet? Yes, to everyone knows that a two foot squirrel. Yeah, medium is two feet. Everyone knows it's a thousand dollars. A two foot fucking squirrel. It's a thousand bucks. Do you accept cashier's checks? Yeah, cashier's checks. I accept cash. That's it. A two foot squirrel. What kind of pet code is this? Oh, I'm writing. Okay, okay. It's a two foot squirrel. Thanks, mom. What is that noise, Brian? Retail store atmosphere sounds. No, we don't need the background. No, wait, that's perfect.

I work at a pet code. God, what was that? I'm writing a script called Pufferfish. How do you hold this thing? They're spiky. It has spikes on it. Exactly. That's what made my joke funny. Holding a pineapple. Coming out with a pineapple movie. Have you been talking with your parents lately? Yeah, they care deeply about you. What have they been saying? My mom wants me to, for me to email her my address so she can send me a Weber grill. Oh, that's very nice of her. That's very nice of her. I know, I'm thinking, what do you do? Do you know how to grill? What do you do? Do you normally cook for yourself? Like cheeseburgers and stuff? You do? Do you? Yeah, like cheeseburgers? How would you make a cheeseburger? Can you explain

10 minutes on either side? This could be a good idea for you. You could start your own cooking show. Literally tens of thousands of people have been doing it during the quarantine, but I think yours could be interesting. Yeah, I mean, I cook these cheeseburgers as like 10 minutes on either side. How would you prep the cheeseburgers? Would you just buy them already paddied up? A lot of onions, a lot of onions, a lot of flowers in the kitchen. Is there any beef involved? A lot of beef. How much onions and how much beef? Two feet? Two feet of beef? Yeah, like the squirrel? Is this a joke? I don't know. William, you could call it willy yum. What? If he had a cooking show, you could call it willy yum. Why? Why would he do that?

Why you am? Yeah, why you am yum? Willy yum yum yum? Is that funnier? Are you writing jokes for William? William Monk Yummery? Thank you so much for, he did literally my set tonight. It was by Joel. That makes a lot of sense now. I was, I didn't want to say it. I ended up saying it. Joel, thank you so much. That was gonna be my last set. You're retiring? I'm saying tonight I wasn't prepared for my set and Joel's sitting. Why do you think that is? We would now like to hang you from the rafters tonight. We're retiring your crocs. Come on. Is there anything else you want to say before we let you go? I have been to the mountaintop. Yeah? What mountaintop are you talking about?

It's a Martin Luther King speech. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. Red Band got his first and only fart sound out of the way tonight. So at least something good came out of this. There goes William Monk Yummery, everybody. All right, David Deary, the man with the plan helping us out, keeping everything nice and clean. Very exciting stuff. All right, pull the name out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. I do believe this is this young man's first time on the show. It's going to be exciting to meet someone right now. Put your hands together for Dave Sarah, everyone. Dave Sarah. Here we go. Dave Sarah. Thank you. Dave Sarah. Thank you. I probably shouldn't even be here right now.

I should probably be at home with my mom. My mother and I own a puppy mill. A puppy mill is where you raise purebred dogs, you know, Boston Terriers, Golden Retrievers, Labrador Retrievers, ugly poodles. So rescues have been outselling purebreds two to one last couple of years in California. So I don't really know what we're going to do. I mean, it's probably mills been in our family for generations. So I just did what any good son would do. I bought a whip and a lead pipe and honestly, I'm just going to abuse these puppies and fucking turn them into rescues. I really think that's the easiest way to do it. I'm no expert, but I can definitely do that. And puppies are so unaggressively dumb and obedient. It takes night after night of night

beating them over the head. You don't want to kill the damn thing. You just want to make it scared of you, you know? I mean, you know the look. Thank you, Sarah. Yeah, thank you. That was fun. Thank you. Is any of that true? You guys really have a no not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Huh? That was actually the first joke I ever wrote was for actually kill Tony was like that joke. Oh, okay. Well, that's a big difference. That was your first joke you ever wrote and William wrote his jokes on the drive over here. So what a change of pace that is for the show. Oh, pineapples are spiky. I guess they could say that there's a castle. Jesus are metal detector. Okay, that's not finished, but good enough for

today. It's words. All right. So Dave, welcome to the show. This is your first time here. Correct? How long have you been doing stand up in August? It'll be four years. Okay. You from LA from Los Angeles. Born and raised. Born and raised. What part? Montabello. It's like a Montabello. But yeah, it's about it's right next to East LA. So Montabello, your parents. Oh, okay. Montabello is not as nice as it sounds. It turns out it sounds like it would be up near like Mendocino and all that. But it's not ever seen Paris, California. What Lake Paris, California. It sounds really fancy, but it's garbage. Yeah, you know that. You're our East LA correspondent. I am actually a white man from Philadelphia, Forest Dunks.

It's crazy that you're from Philadelphia and your name's Forest Dunks because those are two Tom Hanks references. I'm Philadelphia and Forest Dunks. You're quicker than I thought. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Dave Sarah. What do you do for a living? I work for the company that owns Body Glove and WAMO. Do processing for them. Body Glove and WAMO? Body Glove is the wetsuit company and WAMO is the one that owns Frisbee, Hula Hula. Oh, sweet. Fuck yeah. What do you do for them? I'm in processing. So like order e-commerce processing. So basically Amazon, all their websites go into one channel. You got to print it out. Okay. So you're still working through the quarantine. Yeah. You know, I just got the job in March. Luckily, like I only worked

like 20 days in the office before they sent us home to work from home. So I was really lucky on that. But you're a very clean cut guy. You look like you have your life together. You drink plenty of water. Am I right? You drink a lot of water. Complete fucking degenerate, to be honest. Really? Tell us about that. Tell us. Well, here's a funny story. So the night that I think Ryan Stickler was here, it was one of the nights where David Luke is killed and then you kind of made, you're going to, you talked to William on that day about him being the second regular. And so on that night, I was actually- Wait, I talked to, William was a regular before David Luke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were talking to William about saying, what do you think about David coming on as a second regular?

I wasn't really asking his opinion. No, no, no, you weren't. No, you were just talking. William doesn't help me with any decisions in the world. And honestly, it's funny because William's trying to do bits talking to you and you're just like, dude, shut the fuck up. No, that's not what I, you know, just listen to me. Where did this conversation happen? In the back over here. What were you doing in the back? Okay, so you, so actually, you called me very last and I was in the back smoking already. So it's taking me blacklisted. Wow, you really are a degenerate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, there's jokes about me ODing in the bathroom and stuff like that. Of course, yeah, we make jokes about people that don't show up. Sure, sure, yeah. So then so you

were out back, you missed your spot. And then it turns out that you're out back again, eavesdropping on confidential Tony business. He looks kind of like a cop. You do have a cop face. How long have you been impersonating? How long have you been impersonating Todd Glass? Oh, hey, Todd Glass. I like Todd Glass. Anyway, so, so yeah, no, I went back there with William. And this was kind of before back there. They're this was about a year ago. So they're a little less strict as they are now now. How do you know when they're strict and when they're not strict? I mean, I've been coming here for four years, like, you know, I've been going to the back for four years. People just let you back there because they think you like work and dealing second. Yeah. So basically, that was

a that was actually what I'm not going to say. Anyway, but yeah, so I just basically just walk back there. Just if you don't pay, like I wouldn't pay attention to anybody. Oh, they stop a lot of people. You're suspiciously clean cut looking. Right. That's that's what started this conversation. Yes. Yeah, suspiciously, I suppose. Yeah. So what else is degenerate like about you? I mean, I don't know. I just, you know, I don't want to. Yeah, you smoke a lot of pot. What else? A lot of cigarettes, do some blow. Oh, look at this. That's how did that? Only in 2020 are there fat cocaine at right? I know. And I wore a sweater today. So kind of high belly a little bit. I know. I know. He's just starting powdered sugar. Yeah, seriously. It's incredible. Do you mean Coca Cola? What's

your living situation? I live with my brother in Monabello. My brother is he has a schizophrenia paranoid schizophrenia. He's like 12 years older than me. So he gets medical. He gets some medical money and I get some for taking care of him as a caretaker. Oh, wow. So that's so that helps us. My parents live like about a mile away. And we live in the same house that we grew up in. So my parents just live about a mile. They're in their late 70s, my parents. So like, they only drop in every once in a while. They couldn't really handle that. You ever do lines of blow with your parents? No, of course not. Okay, you ever do lines of blow with your schizophrenic brother? I have before. Oh, my goodness. What kind of caretaker are you? That's a bad idea. But this was this was

long before he was receiving any government money or even before we knew he was fucked up. Right. But like you couldn't tell that he was fucked up at all. No, no, no, we could tell we just didn't know like the condition. I mean, it took like 10 years to get his medicine correct. You know, I mean, like he went through some right fucking like what? Tell us about it. I mean, he went through a stage where his body was contorting and he because he couldn't control it and his fucking terrible to like be around. And he wouldn't want to go to the hospital to freak out. I mean, I'm friends with Michael Laird. That happens to him all the time. That's not terrible to be around. No, I mean, but like, yeah, the body contort can contorting. I mean, he looked like he was

having an exorcism almost. Well, that's that's pretty entertaining. I mean, you know, you're doing you do a smoke some weed, do a couple lines of blow. The next thing you know, your brother's spider walking backwards to at you down the hallway. What the fuck? You should have just bought him one of those Jabba walkie masks. Yeah. Yeah. So Jabba walkie mask. Peer Peer Peer Peer. Nobody knows. No one knows what Joel's talking about. The Internet will. I know exactly what you're talking about for us. Keep up the great work back there. Thank you. Back in with you for his dunks, ladies and gentlemen, back to me in studio. So Dave, what else about you? What's your love life like? You seem you fool a lot of women with this clean cut

image on the outside and then just sloppiness on the inside. Yeah, no, you know, I haven't I was like in two long relationships in my 20s. One was like five years old. Two feet long. Yeah, maybe a full foot. So my last girlfriend, we broke up about four years ago. We lived together for about eight months, but nothing. I mean, what? How'd that end? Why did that end? Tell the truth? I will tell the truth. Um, the okay, so the it was so at that time, this was about four years ago. Valentine's Day was on a Sunday and on Friday, I had just gotten off of work, went home where we were living in an apartment in Pasadena and then went on a little bender. Well, no, but she she

was asleep when I got there and you were sleeping through the days. You raped her. No, I didn't. Okay, go on. So yeah, I mean, she was asleep. It was Friday night. I get a call from my cousin saying, Hey, you want to come to downtown? Have a drink? I was like, Yeah, no, I don't feel like waking her up and explaining all this bullshit. So I didn't the next you went and had a drink. No, no, I did not go right and wake her up. I decided not to go not to have a drink, whatever. So the next and like my ex at the time, she was a fellow degenerate as well. So she was like, so you woke up. She woke up the next day. You guys wake up Saturday morning. You didn't even wake me up last night. No, my buddy invited me for a drink and she's like, you could have gone and had

drinks. He didn't fucking wake me up. And then you broke up because of that. Well, no, what happened was I said, Oh, yeah, my cousin called me. He said, Why don't you come down to have a drink? So the night even I said, No, I'm not going to go. And she got mad at me because she's like, Yeah, we knew what you were going to do. And I fucking flipped out. Why'd you flip out? I just flipped out because I knew what she was insinuating that I can't picture you being mad. Can you do it without even thinking about it? Can you really get mad and show us? No, I wasn't going to fucking do that. What do you mean? I wasn't going to fucking do that. Wow. This is like gay Tony Soprano. This is exciting. I've always wondered what gay Tony Soprano would be like.

Woke up this morning for Valentine's Day. Girlfriend was mad at me. She'll be fine. She'll be fine. She gave drugs and muskets of friend Nick. Schizophrenic brother, you ever you ever you ever give a compassionate masturbation to your schizophrenic brother? Have you ever heard of that before? That is that's a scary content. I did not know I've caught him masturbating a couple times. But you ever would you would you do when you caught him? Spray them with nothing. I just like just faster, harder. Come on, finish already. We call that an assist. Yeah. There you go. That's on character. Funny in the moment. There you go. Good timing on that. Forrest Dunks is back. He's heating up. Dave, anything else we need to know

about you before we let you go? That's going to be it. I think yeah. Fun times. Good jokes. I think with an audience that that puppy mill thing about abused dogs. Smart, funny approach. At first, it was kind of a little touchy because you know anytime you're hurting animals and stuff. I mean, I've been on the bellybelly room before. I've been in the belly room and the OR and I always wanted to, you know, do the version of it. I'm down. You're getting closer. There he goes. Dave Sarah, everybody. I get all down and I get up again. All right, back to the bucket to go. Okay. This is another young man. Ladies and gentlemen, Zach bogus is next on kill Tony. I never understood. Here he is. Zach bogus, everybody. Women and children are a lot like

baseballs. You can hit him with a bat, but you better run home fast. Getting kind of tired of this lockdown bullshit and spend months without a decent school shooting. When I was a little kid, I thought I was gay. So I told my dad and like the good Christian man that he is, he sent me to church for conversion therapy. And it must have worked because I figured out I was straight after the priest lost his ring in my asshole. To this day when I fart, it smells like holy water. I lost my anal beads. I miss them so much. Without them, I feel empty inside. I consider myself a pretty open sexually guy. I mean, I'd fuck just about anybody except for war vets. I hear they all have PTSD's. I got one more. I'm a cancer survivor. I dated one for

almost a month, nearly killed myself. I don't care what they say. Virgos and cancers, not compatible. There you go, Zach Bogus was a bullfrog, was a good friend of mine. Hey, I never understood a single word he said, but I'll pin his wine. Yeah, step back from that ledge. From Zach, from my friend. All right, Zach Bogus. The best part of that song, by the way, is the second verse when he comes in. If I were the king of the world, tell you what I do. We don't give a fuck anymore here on Kill Tony, everybody. We are talking about a song right now. All right, very good. We're losing our minds. We just work. All right, Zach Bogus. Welcome to the show. Is your first time on or you've been on

before? No, this is my first time on, but I've signed up like over 20 times. There you go. Look at this. Dreams are coming true. A lot of people that signed up many times never had a chance of getting on or getting on. Welcome, welcome, and welcome. Thank you very much. How long have you been doing stand up? This is my second time. Second time ever doing stand up, but you signed up tens of times? I have, yes. How come you didn't go to any other mics or anything? Well, I used to work a lot, but where'd you work? Malibu at a restaurant. Oh, nice. Malibu has great restaurants. Which restaurant? Paradise Cove. Oh, I love Paradise Cove. Yeah, it's great. Big fan of Paradise Cove. Yeah, it's all right. Is Paradise Cove the one with the deck outside with the seagulls that come

up? Yeah. It's like fishing wire. Seagulls will attack you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the seagulls definitely attack. Saw a lady lose a whole glass of red wine over that balcony before. And there's all those trailers, like a trailer park right in front of it. And that's where I think Woody Harrelson or somebody weird like that lives. Woody Harrelson, another Buckeye from Columbus, Ohio. I've seen Nick Nolte at that Paradise Cove as well. Really? Yep. What were you doing at Paradise Cove? They have a group on or something like that? I go there once every nine years. I'm the poor one on the show. Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. I'm a little bitch boy. Hello. This is what Tony wants from me. I went right ahead. Hello. How's that your Venmo? I thought you

were Teddy Massengill. It's a charitable donation for orphans that I know at Jeremiah Dash Watkins, the little bitch. Is the little bitch a part of it? No parentheses. Write the little bitch in the description when you're paying him twenty dollars. Look up his song. I need you on YouTube. It has three thousand views. Back to you, Tony. Okay. Okay, Zach. So you've only done stand-up twice. When was your first time doing stand-up? It was at the beginning of March at M.I.'s West Side Theater. Okay. This March? Yep. Okay. Great time to start. Heck yeah. Absolutely. How long have you lived in L.A.? Where are you from? I'm from New York. Originally, I've been in L.A. for like seven years. Upstate New York? No. Brooklyn. Oh, very nice. What made you move to Los Angeles?

The weather mainly and just, you know, weed and life is a lot better out here. Yeah. How old are you? Used to be 25. 25. That's good. How long have you lived out here? Seven years. Seven years. That's great. Moved out when you were 18. Just about. Yeah. That's awesome, man. How'd you end up making that move at such a young age? You know, I just did it. Yeah, I mean, get a one-way flight for 300 bucks. That's all you need. So how about sleeping? Like, what did you do after you landed? I moved in with my mom. Oh, you got a mom out here. That changes things a bit. Yeah. So that helped easier. Yep. Safe. What does your mom do? She works in catering management for a hotel. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You close with her? Not really. No. Where does she live? What part of town does

she live in? Westwood, I think. Okay. Not really sure. You don't know where your mom lives? No, I probably should. Maybe I'll hit her up after this. Do you know where your dad lives? Both of them, yeah. You have two dads? I've got two dads, not gay, but two dads. Where are they at? Brooklyn? No, I got one in Virginia and one in Portland, I believe. Your biological dad's in Portland? Yep. That is correct, I could tell, because you look like you would try to storm a federal courthouse. You can feel the Portland energy is beaming off of you. Have you ever protested or rioted in any way in your entire life? You ever go to the Occupy movement? No, I didn't do that. All my protests are internal. Like what? What are some of your internal protests?

I used to be an emo kid. Yeah. I don't know if you can tell. I don't wear it on my sleeve. No, I get a little bit of punkabilly, like, is that the word? Rockabilly? Rockabilly. Sure. Get some rockabilly vibes from you. I'll take it. You play any instruments? Nope. You have any special skills or talents? Yeah, I'm a tattoo artist and a freelance graphic designer. Oh, okay. What's your favorite tattoo? On myself? Yep. Is that an R2 unit there on your elbow? That's Boba Fett. Boba Fett. Oh, okay. Same world. Probably this, it's a full shoulder chrysanthemum. Oh, cool. Oh, look at that. Someone's back. Chrysanthemum. Friend of mine did it. Hell yeah. That's fun. Tattoos are fun.

How about your biggest, most regretful tattoo? When I was learning how to tattoo, I tattooed an X-wing fighter from Star Wars on my shin. I was sitting on my carpet just going at it freehand, and it looked like a little phallic after I was done. It looked like a lumpy cock. I'm just going to be on there. Can we see it? Is it still there? It's covered up. No, I can't really see it. Oh, okay. So it looks a lot better now. I got it lasered off and covered up, but for a while I had to wear knee-high socks. It was not a good look. Okay. All right. How about now during the quarantine? What do you do for fun? How do you pass the time? I'm sure a lot of listeners are figuring out ways to do this, and you might have a big piece of

information that they never thought of. Yeah, man. Unemployment. It's better pay than working in any industry right now. I mean, until the end of this month, now you're not making that extra 600 bucks, but for a while there, I was just making more money playing Ghost of Shishima on my bed. Ghost of Shishima. It's a badass new video game. Oh, okay. Ghost of Shishima? Yep. What do you do in that? Make sushi? No. No. That be Ghost of Shishimi, by the way. Strike one. What do you do in the video game? You kill a lot of Asian people with swords. Whoa, whoa. I were to write a summary. Whoa, that come out after the coronavirus did? Yeah. Yep. That makes sense. No better time to kill Asian people than when they're killing us. Am I right? People?

No. Because of that disease? And the crowd goes wild. Zach, you ever been arrested? Four times. For what? Not paying while using the subway in New York. I put my feet up on the train lunch and that got me arrested. Wow. Look at you, the subway fucking, the subway bandit over here. I'm kind of badass. One time I stole a foot long. I didn't do anything that criminal. How about the other two times? Once for the foot on the seat on the subway. Once for not paying a toll. There was a bunch of shit when I was a teenager. Turn into a werewolf once. One time I tied a woman to the subway train. No, I never got caught for that. You don't remember the other two times you got arrested? They were all on the train because they had tons of police on the train. Wow. That's

incredible. Random shit while I was in high school. Oh, you know what? That actually reminds me of a funny story that my brothers reminded me of this past week when I hung out with them for a quick barbecue. When I first moved to LA, I once took my bicycle down on the train. This is many years ago, like 15 years ago. And they tried to give me a ticket for riding the bicycle in the lower area. You're not allowed to do that. And they're like, you fucking stop. And then they had to chase me and they ended up getting me. It was a whole big rigamarole. I'm like, fucking 19, 20 years old at the time. And they're like, we're going to write you a ticket, give us your ID. And I'm like, I don't have an ID. And they're like, okay, we'll give us your

information. And I immediately realized that I can lie, right? But I'm like halfway through the thing lying about my information for this ticket. I had already said Tony Hinchcliffe and they're like, give me your address. But I was halfway through lying. So I got all the way to, I'm like, they're like, what city do you live in? I'm like Burbank. They're like, what's your zip code? And I'm like, fuck, I only know the only zip code I know in LA is my actual zip code. So I told them 90210. And they didn't even fucking blink at it. They were so excited to give me a ticket. It worked. I know, I know, fucking train police. You could have lied the whole time, dude. I told them to fuck off. I think that's where I went wrong. Yeah. Has anybody ever told you

that you look like the, is it the Green River killer, the green Ryan J? Who's that serial killer? BTK. I've never heard of him. No? No. Look up. Will you pull that up real quick? Just for me, just so that I can confirm. I believe it's BTK killer. Chroma Chris said that he looks like Ryan J. He belt son. I'll take it. Yeah. Yeah, there's sort of not that picture, but that one, that one over there. No, not that one. That one. That one. It doesn't matter. Dennis Radar. Radar. Yeah. You have Dennis Radar energies. Have you ever thought about killing anyone? Yeah. We've had serial. We've actually had a murder on the show before. Same energies as you. It's funny. He reminds me of Purse House. Very, very Clark Kent. That's what I was afraid of,

to be honest. Clark Kent with a touch of rockabilly. Okay. I'm not going to push anybody off a balcony, but, you know, I stay away from second floors. He actually threw her. Did he really throw her? I believe hell of an arm. I mean, I was going to say, you're the sportscaster. That's quite an opportunity there. All right, Zach. Well, fun times, man. Thanks for coming on the show. You finally made it, dude. Thank you. Zach Bogus, everybody. Gentlemen, it is that part of the night where we bring up a regular who I absolutely adore. This man did a great job doing the show with me this past week. And we did a big crazy

packed show at a drive-in. It was a drive-in comedy show and a lot of fun times. Him, Jeremiah, Jetski Johnson, all did some time. I love this man. Very funny. Roaster. He's going to make fun of me. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. Yeah. I'm trying to lose weight and shit. But I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to get like a six-pack or a six-pack or a biceps or anything. I'm just trying to get in shape enough to where I can fuck a girl with my shirt off because I'm tired of fucking bitches and tall tees and Jordans. But ever since this latest invention, I've been fucking girls that sketch your shape-ups because not only do you got, not only do you tone your thighs and your ass, but you got the

rocking motion going on when you're hitting it. Or you can reach new levels and push it. I'm tired of skinny guys thinking that they fuck better than fat guys. Like, it's impossible. I got 300 pounds of pressure coming behind my dick. How do you fuck better than me? Pressure makes diamonds, bitches. There's a reason we have PSI. I'm tired of girls getting with me and complaining about being on top. Like, do you trust these arms over you in the missionary position? There you go. Hey. These minutes are longest fuck with no audience.

No, you're doing good, man. You're doing good. You believe that though? You believe fat guys fuck better than skinny guys? Nigga, I got 300 pounds coming behind this stroke. What you mean? I know, but it's not really, I mean, like, I don't think they need that much. It depends on what type of fat guy you are. Like, Red Band probably don't fuck with his full force. Red Band, what are you like in the bed? I've asked thousands of people on this show. I've never asked you. What is your move in the bed? Well, I like to bring a lot of food in the bed with me.

Oh, we know that. And my bike. I like to put that in there. And no, I think I think I don't think there's much like it's you have a fatter dick if you're fatter for sure because your dick's fatter awesome. Nope. We know that's not true. No, it's true. When I lost weight, I lost weight on my dick too. Did it come back when you regained the weight? Of course it did. And when I lost all that weight, my dick had, you know, the markings, you know, from stretch marks, stretch marks on it. Yeah, it did. And it's weird because, like, you know,

my dick's like a little darker color, like it's brown and it had like these white, like, like spaghetti veins all over. Oh, God. Or I could have just been spaghetti because I'm in my bed, you know, so. Red Band put gravy on the pussy before you eat it. All right. What are you doing? Flipping bottle caps? What are you doing? Your guys' stingers kill me. Okay. Because I mean, skinny guys can perhaps also, they have, I'm just pitching here. Maybe I don't know, but I feel like we would have an advantage, perhaps also in the, in the, like, getting between the legs, like really like forcing it in there. You know what I mean? I don't know,

but all the bitches I fuck would be like, you don't fuck like a fat boy. They say you fuck like a skinny guy. Well, they say you fuck like a medium guy. Right. They be like, you got stamina and shit. You have stamina. You have good cardio in the bedroom. Or are you? How about you, Red Band? You have the cardio of a guy that rides a bicycle or an electric bicycle? I tell you, if I'm drunk, I go for like hours. Like it's the fuck out of here, man. Seriously, I have like opposite of whiskey dick. Like if I'm drunk, I'm just like going to forever. So you have for hours, seven nights a week, seven nights a week, four hours a day. Oh my goodness. It's right. I have my virtual headset. Red Band, you a fat guy like me. Do you fuck with your

shirt on? I do. No, I get completely naked like a seal. And so I like to hear like the flapping, you know, the flopping and the flapping. It's great. How about swimming? Do you guys swim with your T shirts on? No, it depends on where I'm at. It depends if I shave my back or not. No, just kidding. That's the embarrassing part. Red Band takes his shirt off. Everybody's like, oh, look at all the hair on his back. I take my shirt off if I see another fat nigga with their shirt off. Okay. Then I'm like, bitch, you ain't got a better fat nigga body than me. Okay. That makes sense. So you just have to make sure someone else has a unshapely body, too. I don't get the shirt on. It just makes it look worse. It's like you're now you have like a shirt

sucked onto your body. Right. Just take off your shirt. If you fucking a bitch in that collar shirt, I would take that shirt off, too. No. Come on. We're talking about swimming now. Oh, swimming. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a jersey, that's the cool fat dude thing to go to the pool in, a jersey. Really? You got the it's like a tank top. Yeah. Okay. So if you got decent arms, what kind of jersey would you wear to the swimming pool? Any kind. A new jersey? Okay, because he's fat. Motherfucker. I hope y'all. What jerseys do you have? I got jersey bikes, jersey bikes. I get your three shoes. Just looking at her. What was it? She looked like the three stooges. Oh, come on. Don't you can't roast these characters. David. I don't know.

It's very hard to roast silly. You got a PGA tour jacket on. I mean, yeah, he actually worked the PGA tour last year. That's right. That is right. What jerseys do you have? I got Irvin Johnson. Oh, wow. Shaq. I got a few jerseys. Kobe. Old Jersey. I'll never wear that one again. LeBron. When he you retired your Kobe jersey. Oh my goodness. What would you do with it? You put it through the spin. He ate it. All right, man. Get your number eight is Kobe Bryant's jersey number. There you go. Some more, much more famous for 24. But you are correct. He was number eight for a little while. I got a Carmelo Anthony High School jersey. Did you say Carmel Anthony? It's Caramello Anthony. He also has Marshmello Anthony. What kind of jersey you got? I have a

gay booty hole jersey. It's got dildos and booty holes on it. So I pull it out of my booty hole. It looks like a dildo and then I shake it and it's a tank top. Tony don't got a Packers jersey. He got to hit you from the backers jersey. Yeah. No, it's true. You've heard of a tank top. My jersey is a tank bottom. That wouldn't hit so much. Okay. I guess Jeremiah. This is the fucking apocalypse episode. Tony, we had fun this weekend, though. Yeah. Yes, we did. We had a great time. It was at a fancy meal. Yeah, we did Jeremiah and David Lucas to a restaurant called Salt as if though David needed any more salt in his diet. We went there. We had a great meal. You had the salmon and the onion dip. Yeah. Jeremiah had the

pork shoulder with a Brussels sprout slaw slaw. I wasn't used to the fancy food because I usually eat Aldi meat. Oh yeah, you did talk about it. Oh, bullshit. You eat Aldi meat and David eats Aldi meat. And you eat the sweet meat, mother. That's right. Straight up booty hole Jenkins. That's my name. You take you take a hot dog out the grill and put it in the bed with you. That's right. What is going on? What's your favorite kind of candy, David? I never asked you. Reese's in the freezer. Reese's. All right. Okay. I said I love the Stinger thing. I see what was good when Roman, Jesse were doing it. But Jeremiah shoehorning his way through the middle here. Oh God, Reese's in the freezer. Hell yeah. What else? That's really all I fuck with Reese's.

Is there any wrong way to eat a Reese's hot? Don't eat that bit. You gotta put it in the freezer, man. I mean, have you ever had a Reese's that's melted? Well, let me tell you the best kind of Reese's, bro, not the ones that come in the orange package, the ones that they sell for Halloween and the little cups. Yeah. Yeah, they got a little crisp to them, bro. You keep those all year round. You make niggas okay to your booty hole on Halloween. You know what? I actually do that. I had corn in my poop the other day. It was candy corn because I have so many people throwing candy in my booty hole. I'm running out of gay jokes until Tony. I gotta come over. I gotta come up with a new animal for this nigga or a new edge or new. No, you got this. Yeah.

All right. Or maybe it's time to start with some red bands. No, I'm joking, man. No, that's my nigga, bro. Have you ever ridden an electric bicycle before? I want because I'm not gay. No, it's not a gay thing. That's not a gay thing or else I'd be doing it. Yes, you ride all things gay. Everything I do is gay. If you wrote a bicycle, we won't have no seat. You just sit on the pole. I would. I actually do. I sit on a pole. Actually, it's a dildo and my bicycle handles are both dildos and the pedals are booty holes. Okay. There you go. Okay. All right. We had a stinger thing. It took exactly eight minutes after I said I love the stingers for them to ruin it, everybody. Go ahead, David. How did you feel about the outside show, bro?

An outside show like Tony? No, the one we did Saturday. I liked it. I told someone earlier. It's it's a hundred times better than not doing a show and it's 25 percent as much fun as doing a show. I like in front of a normal audience. They hunked the horns. Tony had Tony actually brought the fucking apartment building behind us out. Yeah. It was wild. The whole audience from the apartment building. We had fun. Yeah. Okay, we got through it. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas. There we go. On to the next one we go. Another great step by David Lucas. Here we go. Back to the bucket we go. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled the third person out of the bucket for tonight's show.

Make some noise for Shongi, everyone. It's Shongi. All right. I came out a little bit ago at the beginning of the year and this quarantine has been a fun experience realizing how gay I am. I have fallen in love with Home Depot recently. It started out with buying a cactus which was super simple and then I upgraded to lumber and then I upgraded to cutting lumber and then I upgraded to stealing bolts and then I upgraded to stealing shower curtains, shower rods. There's expensive shit at Home Depot and the CEO doesn't like black people so that is my protest. I also have become obsessed with porcelain dolls and I've slowly been turning my husband into a porcelain doll. His hair has grown out long

and curly. I had him shaved. I've been putting my facial products so he's very porcelain and very pretty. I started ordering doll clothes for him. They don't fit but I'm working on it. I think that's it. There you go, Shongi everybody. Welcome, welcome. You've been on the show before. I'm not even a comic. Wait, what? That was fucking terrifying. Really? I want to shit myself. But you've been here a lot. I've seen you in the audience a lot. I watch. Right and it's your husband that does comedy full time and he's with you here tonight, right? He signed up. That was good for your first time though. Yeah, that was great. We couldn't even tell. I thought you were a comic this whole time. Why don't we let him do a spot? Why don't you

grab a seat right behind him? We won't even have to change the microphone because you guys are husband and wife. Ladies and gentlemen, here's her husband, Evan Jones, everybody. Here comes Evan Jones. This is awesome. I'm finally going to fulfill my dream of doing stand up in a David Lynch movie. I feel like there's going to be an edit where everyone's faces are made of meat and then it'll slowly fade out. People will be like, that was so good. Before quarantine, I went to Disneyland. Fucking magical. We're on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The animatronic Jack Sparrow has more life left in his eyes than the real Johnny Depp at this point. Disneyland's nice. I'm not used to theme parks being nice, you know?

Like, I go to Six Flags. Six Flags is just white trash Disneyland's. Like Six Flags is a theme park, but I'm not sure what the theme is supposed to be. They're like, I don't know cartoons and flags who gives a shit. Loopy loop. That's right. There you go. Evan Jones. Damn, look at your hair. She's lying, man. What happened there? At one point, I looked like a sitcom dad from the 90s. I was like a Danny Tanner, and then I went to an uncle Jesse and now I'm like going Elvin, I think. Hell yeah, man. Looking good. Killing it. Very, very, very good set.

Oh, thank you. That's fun. Is that all stuff that you wrote during the pandemic? I wrote all that right before I wrote like a whole five minutes about like theme parks right before theme parks didn't exist. So I've just been sitting on a bunch of theme park material. It was all good. I love the David Lynch part. I don't know if you're allowed to say Lynch with your wife that close to you. Yeah. No, I think I am allowed to say it because of that. Right. No, I know. Exactly. How long have you been on stand up, Evan? Like 10 more than 10 years, 11 years. I've been here in LA.

No, I'll mostly in New York. I moved here like three years ago. So it was just like I started in New York and then I started doing some just DIY road stuff, like maybe four or five years in there. How long have you been in LA? Since when do we move here? Like 2016, I think. And what made you want to do that? Um, just New York, I will just there was a lot of people had a weird thing. A lot of guys had like a weird like jock thing against me and it sort of made it difficult to move up socially. New York. Yeah. Right. Yes. They do that. It's very tough guy. That's the New York scene. They're all tough guys until they're around an LA comedian and then they bend at the knee. And then I also

am very into like psychedelics and weed and stuff. And a lot of the New York guys are more like smoke cigarettes. I did always my fucking six coffee of the day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they would just be like, who the fuck is this guy trying to talk about this weird shit? And then also it's like I have a lot of social anxiety, but I don't look like I should. So they took it as maybe arrogance or something, like not being able to socialize for a while there and stuff. Yeah. No, I get it. I know exactly exactly everything that you're talking about right now. The scene in New York is definitely not, um, not exactly wide open to the thought of innocent looking, innocent looking, you know, hippie-esque dudes, free spirited guys. Even like those things

conceptually and material. It's like, um, if you're not like angry or sad, then you're fake or something. Exactly. 100%. You cannot show any happiness whatsoever. Even if you're wildly successful, even the best comedians in New York seem angry, even though they're happy. Okay. That's fun. What part of New York did you live in? When I first moved there, it was, I was staying in like dorms. So I was going to New York Film Academy, which was fucking bullshit. So just staying in dorms like Manhattan. And then it was Brooklyn. And then I lived in Jersey City and Astoria, then back to Manhattan. So just kind of all over. How about now? How about in LA? Where do you guys live? We just moved to Rampart Village, like on the edge of Koreatown, but we were in

like Hollywood proper for like, right. We were homeless, like Airbnb homeless for like seven months when we first moved here, because Airbnb's had like all the fucking rent way jacked up. And so we had like a weird place that ended up turning into kind of a crackhead hotel recently on like Wilcox. Right. But then Airbnb's crashed like a couple weeks ago. So now there's a bunch of dope shit. We got a way better place. That's awesome. Yeah. How do you survive right now? I was on, I was working at a weed factory and was laid off right before the shutdown. So I was able to get the boosts on employment. And I just started back dog walking, because that's just the only gig I was doing that is happening right now. Also, I don't have to interact with any people at all.

You like dogs? Yeah, dogs are fucking dope. That's also what makes it awesome is I just get to hang out with dogs. I get good Instagram videos of all these other people's dogs. I don't have to pay for yeah. No, it's fucking great. Love dogs. We were talking about that before the show. Yeah, I like the weird ones. I like shitsuits and Brussels griffins and like, yeah, I used to have a Brussels griffin. No shit. Yeah, it's famous now. It is. In fact, it just made its Comedy Central debut last week. Holy shit. Pepper. It was me and Esther Pavitsky's dog over a decade ago. That's amazing. Do the best peppers on the poster. Do you see that the promo poster for what a great poster to the artwork that they did on that day. Incredible. I thought it was

over. It was so good. I thought it was a Ryan J belt for a second, but it wasn't. That's fun. You guys don't have your own dog, though. No, we were waiting for some place. Didn't have carpet because we had weird gross carpet in the last place, and then she wants to get a Chihuahua. So I think that's down the line. No. Chihuahuas are prone to getting the coronavirus. Anything you want to say about this force, dunks? I am white. I am from Philadelphia. You're the resident Chihuahua correspondent on the show. Is there anything you'd like to say about Chihuahuas? Getting coronavirus more often. Yeah, I would say that's fake news. No, Chihuahuas. Fake news. Chihuahuas get the the shitsu started it. Who the media,

the enemy of the people. Oh, shitsu started it. Do you know anybody that's gotten the coronavirus? Yeah, I've known a couple people. Okay. Do they know how they got it? No. Yeah, it's one thing that I've noticed. The people that I know that have gotten it don't know how they got it. There wasn't like some mysterious coughing person. Am I correct? Am I correct? Gary Paul. I got it and I know how. Oh, you do? Yeah. I thought you didn't know. I know. Who gave it to you? I ate a bat. Oh, there you go. That was a baseball bat. God damn it. And my dad, my dad lives in a home like in the VA shelter downtown. He hasn't gotten it. So I don't

know how you get it really. I feel like that should be corona central. It's not should be probably not a lot of Chihuahuas in that room. Chihuahua. Oh, man. So your wife and you, you guys are in an interracial couple. Any wild times with that? You guys ever like drive through Arizona and people are like, what the book? It's been the opposite. It's when we moved here, people were overly supportive. Right. So they'd be like, we love what you're doing. Like yellow dust from cars. Like you go, girl. Oh my God. That's so fucking wild. It was super because in New York, no one gives a fuck. Like everyone just dates what everyone is just everything. Right. I fucked up. I put my dick in a dumpster the other day. I'm a New York fucking guy.

What are you looking at? Yeah. Um, yeah. But here it's like weirdly people notice racial thing. I think because they're trying to like cast you in something. So they'll like notice racial things. And so I feel like there's not as much like crossover or social interaction or something. I don't know. I guess it's maybe also the city is set up in a way that it's like segregated strangely. You and shongi think about making a baby at any point. You guys. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you guys are going to make a beautiful child. Yeah. It's going to be ridiculous. Yeah. It's going to be nice. It's Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Good Lord, Brian. Out of bound. Yeah. We're not going to have a kid with big old titties. That little baby. It's a fucking like

damn that baby is fucking confusing me as a white man. Let me ask you this as a white man being with a black woman. Are you ever were you ever have you was that your first black woman that you've been with? Did I dated full time? Yes. But not that I've like hooked up with. Right. When you're with a black woman, are you ever concerned that perhaps you don't have all of the penis that they're used to? No. You have a special package down there. It's not that it's not that my dick is like excessive, but it's just like, I don't know. I did the Nate the first naked show in New York and everybody was like crazy about how big my dick was or whatever. Right. I don't think it's not like the dick addicted would like stand out in a porn gang bang, but I think it's just like

aesthetically perfect. So it's great. So your kids going to have big tits and a big dick. Yeah, at least like a very nice dick and gigantic titties. That's incredible. We have a big dick correspondent on this show. Let me just see where he is for a second here. Let's check in with our big dick correspondent. Hey, why don't you come back up to the the stage, fucko? Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. It is a big dick correspondent forced down everyone. He left the stage where the show is for a moment. Sorry, I was so big I needed to let it breathe for a second. Forrest, you're known for having for having a massive cock. This is true. Yours also made its debut in a New York naked roast.

Yes. Do you have any questions for for having Jones or any concerns about his big dick or perhaps you guys are maybe you could start a club or something like that. Yeah, New York Big Dick Association. Maybe start a new baseball league. But we only hit the ball with our cocks. That's what I meant. Two balls, one bat. Okay. All right. Well, Evan, very fun, amazing set, man, all the way through from beginning to end. Very, very good. Shangy, thank you so much. Her comedy debut. What a beautiful couple. We love what you guys are doing. There they go. Shangy and Evan Jones, everyone. All right, we're going to squeeze our one last bucket pull up here. Ladies and gentlemen, you know this guy, he became famous during one of the quarantine

episodes. Is he famously had sex with William Montgomery's girlfriend before William did? He's back, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute. Here's Mario Tanti, everybody. One, two, three. Okay, there we go. Mario Tanti. Go back to your country. They used to be racist, but now it's just good advice. There's been a lot of deaths from coronavirus. A couple of months into quarantine, they started comparing it to the number of deaths in 9-11. They were like, oh, we're up to three 9-11s now. I think 9-11 is my favorite made up form of measurement next to smidge and cunt hair.

You probably can't tell this by looking at me, but I had an abortion with an Asian girl from Tinder. That's not exactly what I had in mind when she said she wanted to hook up. She told me to come inside of her. She can't get pregnant. Yeah, I fell for that, Michael. She also couldn't come, so either she got the two mixed up or I just heard her wrong. Either way, we swiped left on the baby. I've lived in LA for seven years and it was the first time I had Korean takeout. Thank you. Mario Tanti. Mario Tanti. Incredible. So much funnier than William Montgomery. It's incredible. He came right into the show that William is a regular on, kicked off his set with a William Montgomery formatted like joke,

but much better than all the jokes that William did tonight, plus followed through with continuous good set, the entire one minute and nine seconds of his set using all of his time, unlike William, who dipped out at 41 seconds tonight. So you came in, you fucked his girlfriend, then you came in, had a better set than him on his show. How do you feel right now, Mario Tanti? I feel pretty good. I'm glad to be here, guys. Thank you for having me. That's incredible. How happy are you right now that William left early? He left early? Oh, we're actually best friends. I actually don't know his girlfriend. That's been a bit the whole time. Whoa, that's great. Look at that. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, I had a feeling. That's not the Korean

girl though, right? No, because that would be an even bigger revelation if we found out that she carried your baby for a moment, that there was a little baby Mario in there. I wish. Baby Mario, we know about that. That's an actual Mario Kart contender. Baby Mario? Right? Isn't there a little baby Mario? Oh, yeah, this small Mario. A little half Korean Mario. Yeah, absolutely. So Mario, what have you been up to this whole time? What's going on? Just hanging out and won unemployment, lost my job, restaurant industries in the in the shitter right now. So no sous chef jobs out there. Just been hanging out and relaxing. And aren't you are you happy that you live in a country that has unemployment? Yes. Yes, you are. That is correct. The United

States of America, the greatest country in the world. Absolutely. People just take it for granted. They're like, Oh, I'm on unemployment. I'm on unemployment. I'm on unemployment. And then everybody talks about the stimulus package. But that's an extra thing. That's extra bonus money. Anybody who was employed now is on unemployment. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you. You do such a good job keeping us out of wars with other countries. Thank you. You're welcome. So Mario, what else is going on? You're collecting unemployment. What have you been doing to pass the time me golf? We've talked about that earlier. What's your golf? Going on walks and drives, going to the beaches and trying to do when you go to the beach. Just sit there. You sit just

on a bench or on the sand. I brought a blanket a few times. You took a blanket? I did. You have extra blanket? You seem like a guy that would only have one blanket. I just got a new comforter. You take a comforter to the beach? No, I have multiple blankets. Jesus Christ, this guy takes his fucking duvet to the beach. It's a Ninja Turtles blanket. What is your, it's a normal comforter? White? Yeah. You have a white comforter? Yeah, my sister keeps telling me I need to get a different one. She said it looks like a girl's comforter. No, white's great. You wipe your comforter over it. No one will see it. Wait, how does your sister even see your comforter? She lives here too. I showed her. You live with your sister? No, she lives down the street from me. And she came over,

she's like, you got a girl's comforter? Yeah, she's like, get a black one. That looks stupid. A black one? Then you get, I mean, red band knows you get com all over it from using your Roman. Yep. You put a little Roman. Yep, but a little infinite CBD lube all over it. That's right. Yeah, black comforter is like, is like as dumb as having white underpants. Wait, the black comforter is like having white underpants? Yeah, it's like the worst idea ever. Why? Red band gets skid marks. This just in. You don't think I've ever really got a skid. Ruby and Peepie on the white stuff, Tony. Come, come on the black stuff. Red band is a high-class gentleman and he enjoys Miller Highlife, a champagne, a beer. I was talking about blood.

Oh yeah, you have a lot of blood coming out of you. Yeah, especially when you have a tushy, you know, you get too much water in there and it just drips out. Oh, that's a great ad for tushy. What a great ad for one of our sponsors. Hey, blast your ass with water so hard you stop fucking bleeding. Hey, it cleans it out though. Good. Well, he could use the tushy and blood all gushy. You know what I mean? Hey, there it is. All right. So Mario, you, you have a white comforter so far. This is what we found out. I've been arrested too. All these guys have been arrested. Oh, tell us about it. I got arrested with heroin one time. Oh my God, were you doing the heroin or were you selling it? I didn't get to do it yet. Really? I mean,

I was doing it, but like I didn't get to do it that night. Right. So what happened? How'd you get arrested with it? Put your feet up on the train? Yeah, I went, I went with a guy from work to get heroin and we got pulled over on the way back. Why'd you get pulled over? I think my tail light was out. Oh, classic, classic junky mistake. So how did you get from just a tail light warning to them searching you? They smelled something in the car. Well, back where I'm from, like that was 10 years ago, like the cops, like they pull you over, like they look for anything to like search your car. Where are you from? Pennsylvania. Yep. Yeah. They do have tough police there in Pennsylvania. What part of Pennsylvania are you from? A little south of Pittsburgh.

A little south of Pittsburgh. What are we talking about? Sharon? Bessemer? Like Mount Lebanon area? You know the gumps? The gumps? No. How about the dunks? Do you know the dunks? I know a couple dunks. Do you know Forrest Dunke? Yeah, he's we actually watched Jurassic Park together last week. Oh, you are wearing a Jurassic Park shirt. Why is that? Target? But he's on a swing because it's a park. That's adorable. So cute. My goodness gracious. You have a girlfriend now? No. Last girl you've been with. Who is that? Just a couple tender people. Oh, that was during the quarantine? No, this was way before. Okay. But yeah, when I got arrested with heroin, I told them it wasn't mine because I tried to get out of it. And they're like, who's was it? And I was like, I was getting

it for a friend and they were like, well, that's a felony now. Oh my God. Oh my God, that makes you the dealer. Yeah, it makes you intend to distribute. Oh, fuck. So what ended up happening there? They ended up lowering it at the end after I got a lawyer and paid for a lawyer. But like, initially it was intent to distribute heroin. My goodness. Always say it's yours even if it's a lot or always just put in your butt or something if you get pulled over. Yeah, that's that's red bands policy on everything through under the seat. I thought I was gonna get out of it. Wait, what? They started to pull over and shove it in your butt. Pull the electric bike over now, sir, please. It's hard to pedal with this heroin in my ass. Luckily, I wasn't gonna pedal anyway.

Never heard. I'm peddling heroin. Whoa, the first Joel Burke chant in months, ladies and gentlemen. This is one of those episodes where he started cold and he ended bold. A true Joel Berg. He's peeking out like the coronavirus right now. We're gonna have to shut it down. All right. Mario Taunty, anything else interesting about you that we should know about? Fun set, fun interview. Thank you. Thank you. I've been doing stand up about a year. You ever have weird dreams? I had a dream the other night that I was on a hinge video call with a girl. What's hinge video? It's like a dating app hinge. Okay, now I don't know because I'm happy. It just means you have a friend that knows the friend

or a friend. It's kind of like it's a dating app, but you can like video call people to say hi. They added that during quarantine, whatever. So I had a dream that I was on a hinge call with this girl and in the middle of the call, she shows up to my apartment with a gun. Yeah, she showed up to my apartment with a gun while we were on the call and I like she went to go like pointed at me and I jumped at her and then she pulled out a knife and went to go swing it at me and like as I said no in the dream, but then I sprung up and said no in real life and wow. But yeah. And that call never even happened. You never even talked to that girl. Our brains are fucking weird. They are. My favorite part of the dream was that it was a gun and then your subconscious thought, oh, it's too scary and

then made it a knife. I think in the dream, she was mad. She said that I sent her my my dick without asking her. I think that was why she showed up with the intent to distribute. Goodness gracious. All right. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, fun, fun set, fun interview. Mario Taunty, everybody. There he goes. Mario Taunty. Hey, hey, hey, hey. That was Mario Taunty. All right. It is that most special part of the night, everybody. You know, I mean this fucking guy, I don't know where to begin. I just love him with all of my heart. He's incredibly, incredibly agile, entertaining and hilarious. You know, I'm currently as one of the contenders of the Easter Seals film competition. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Michael Lair.

Here he is. Michael Lair. All right. So Bricks Brothers Suisse's clothing. Of course they are. That's where I perfected the suit store. You buy one suit, you get three free. If you're not giving me four suits for the price of one, get the fuck out of this suit business. Taylor Swift just came out with an album. She said it's full of her dreams, fears, musings and thoughts. It's called the four part harmony of the queef. Now, the Washington Redskins have changed their name to the Washington team. Let's call it how it is and call them the Washington elite African

Americans coming to your town to make it why feel something she's never felt before. Because that's all racism is free of a black climate. All right. Every racist wife, once she gets black, that bitch ain't going nowhere. Michael Lair. I like that. That was a good set. That was like a Tonight Show set. It was. It was like a weekend update with Michael Lair, which I love. Wow. Michael's eyes are locked in on Jeremiah Watkins right now. This is very interesting. Baby, bring me over my Tony. Oh, what is this? Oh my goodness. He's got a pamphlet. No, it's a Chicago Tony award. Oh, it's called a Jeff or a gift. A Joseph Gifferson award for excellence in theater. Wow. You have the Jeff or a Gifferson award

for excellence in theater. Yeah, man. You don't know who you're fucking with. Wow. This is this is perhaps this is talking about last week's episode in which we found out that Jeremiah would not share a wig with Michael Lair who needed a wig to play a woman. Well, it turns out I got plenty of wig money, bitch. Wow. He's got wig money and you only eat Aldi meat. That is great. Jeremiah, you can hide behind that character, but I see you in there. All right. And next week, what's going to happen next week? I'm very excited about this. I turn into a monologue. Oh. Whoa. A monologue. Oh, actor versus actor. Mono. A monologue.

Let's see who is the master thespian that killed Tony. Wow. Look at this. I love this challenge. Jeremiah, do you accept the challenge thespian versus thespian mono versus mono and a monologue? What kind of monologue are we talking? Same one. End of Rambo. Rambo, part one, first blood. Rambo, the first one. The end of Rambo. So the end of Rambo, the first one. First blood. Rambo, part one. Part one of Rambo, first blood. Roman numeral one. Rambo. Rambo? I thought he was saying rainbow this whole time. He's saying Rambo. Rambo. John Rambo, motherfucker. You better become him next week, because I will. And everything you built, everything you built will be gone next Tuesday. Wow. Next Monday. It's next Monday. No, no morning after. Oh,

yes. The next morning. Yes. Absolutely. Next Tuesday. It will all be gone. Everything you built and you will no longer believe. You will no longer believe in God. He just said that I will no longer believe in God after he does his monologue next Monday. Oh my goodness. I'm so excited. That's pretty wild. Wow. Chicago Tony Award. Did you put your own sticker with you in a wheelchair on your Tony Award? Can we zoom in on that? That is Michael Laird in the top right corner of his own Tony Award. I was wondering if they gave those to all the participants who got that award or just you. Oh, wow. Yeah, a little bit of trash dog. You idiot. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's right. Oh, let's read some names on here. All right. Great. I've got a solid chunk of 15 minutes

for you to read the certificate. Oh, I don't know. Wow. Jeremiah Watkins. That sounds like a fucking stage name. Are you a pussy with a stage name? Wait, is this true? I always thought that was your real name. Yes. My mother actually named me pussy. You have to like a thing. All right. That brings us to our next segment because I'm down with you and next Tuesday morning, God's done with you. All right. But right now, he just threw his Tony Award like it was it doesn't mean anything to him. After the content. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know I have a uber Brian sign it and then I sell him on it. Absolutely. I'll make a deal with you right now. If I lose, I will take your ALS from you like the

green mile. Wow, he's gonna suck your ALS right out of you. It's gonna have flies come out of his mouth. Bring it. Let me take it. I want it because look at the platform. It's a good one. Michael Larry, you're the fucking best. I'm really exposed. His eyes are covered. Can you zoom in on that? Can we move on? All right, I'd like to. Before I film a love word comedy or rap or magic, my first love words karaoke. Oh my goodness. Since I've gotten sick, I haven't been able to karaoke. And honestly, I don't know what it's going to sound like. Because although this sounds pretty good right now. And that's why I'm covering my eyes to see like a blind person. They hear better. I wonder if I talk better. If I'm blind, you actually sound amazing. Yeah, I thought it

was Walter Cronkite over there for a second. I stopped looking and then I Whoa, there he is. Yeah, that's my next emotional impression. Okay, but moving on with the help of the man might jam my spit chance. Um, I'm one of y'all get so sensitive. I'm going to sing my favorite karaoke song. Now, I understand a large portion of this podcast is an audio component. So if it gets unbearable, please stop it. Okay. And also nurse slash girlfriend. Are you there? Company means she's right next to you. She has a spray. Now when I'm they be singing, I might and spin or it's not and she'll want me down harder because it'll be quick. Yeah. And then I get I get overheated. So and baby, make sure the microphone is away. So if I turn to you and open

my mouth. Oh, there you go. All right. So we're ready. Yeah. Wait a second. What was that? That was the song stepmother by Dan Zigg. Oh my goodness, Michael. I'm really surprised there. You I don't even think you got one word out and the only word of that song really is just mother. You really couldn't somehow the headband made him blind and mute at the same time. My goodness. Headband. Now I know that I can't do a karaoke. Oh, I were the Helen Keller's one, two, three, four. Wait, what? Helen Keller was blind and deaf. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll be any settlement miracle

worker. You hear that? See the references, Jeremiah. There is only one master that's being not looking in Jeremiah's direction. You hear that, Jeremiah? See the references. You hear that, Jeremiah? See the references. There's only one master that's being on teaching this game. Ladies and gentlemen, what a great way to end tonight's show with the extremely powerful Michael Lair. Next week, it's him versus Jeremiah Walkins, mono a mono and a monologue challenge. Rambo versus Rambo. It's going to be a goddamn slambo. He's giving Jeremiah the thumbs down. He's also giving the thumbs down to the far left

speaker of the stage. He hates that speaker. He just gave one of the neons the middle finger and he's telling the neon to go fuck himself. Jeremiah is the opposite direction. Look to your left. No, that, no, not that way, Michael. Not that way. That's not, no, that's the guy that went up first. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Lair comedy.com for everything, Michael Lair. Anything else, Michael? Um, yeah, I'm, uh, no, I'm fucking. Oh, check out his video. His Easter Seals video is available right now. Give him a view, give him a comment, give him a like. We need all the Kill Tony fans just to go over there and check that out. That's right, because they judge it off of

views and likes. Is that correct? That is one category I plan. What are the other categories? But that's actually film and editor. I want to win editor. Um, but, um, I'm my cup over flow. So I don't need a lot of people in the Easter Seals cup over flow. If let's face it, a lot of spill spilly cups on that competition. Yeah, um, so I'm fine when not meaning it's nice to bring. That sounds like a man that feels like he's about to lose to children with special needs. You weren't fine with not winning two weeks ago when you said you were going to do all the competition. He's like, Oh, I can't beat that guy. Well, we'll see if you can beat Jeremiah walk ins and a monologue off next week. That's gonna happen. You're going down.

Jeremiah, let the record show that he is losing an Easter Seals special needs film competition, but he's confident he's going to be on the show. Extreme confidence that he can beat you. A girl with Down syndrome that's four years old is dominating him right now. But, uh, but you easy pickings, he would say. Yeah, Jeremiah, what's your YouTube called Michael layer comedy? Yeah, Michael layer comedy channel. Look at his Easter Seals video. It says Easter Seals in the heading. You can't miss it. And, uh, give it a like, please. For the sake of kill, Tony, don't, don't let us lose it. Don't let Michael Tony. I don't care about all those, all those instructions were wrong. Okay.

Michael layer, everybody. Michael layer comedy.com. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt tonight. Let's see what we got here. Here we go. Here it comes. Look at that. It'll get in a little bit there. Push it on in so we can see different parts of it. Wow. Incredible detail. Incredible. That is just mind blowing. Ryan J. E. Belt.com. Look up the kill, Tony heading on that website. You can find every print ever done all there. He is the house artist for years and years and years now. Incredible stuff. Uh, hey, Jeremiah Watkins was here, everybody. Jeremiah is doing roll in North Carolina, August 13 to the 15th. Minneapolis, August 26 to the 29th.

And, uh, as a new episode of Jeremiah wonders out with William Montgomery, his Venmos at Jeremiah Dash Watkins, if you just want to give him free money. Jeremiah, anything else? YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. Head over there. Got a lot of great content, especially with William Montgomery and, uh, new, uh, Tibby sketch, uh, where he interviewed a cow. There you go. How about the great Jesse Jetski Johnson tonight, everyone? High kill ratio. I mean, just knows how to pick those moments. Gary balls was here. Gary balls was in the house.

It kind of sounds like Harry balls. Sort of. I thought it was Gary Paul's the whole time. Jetski is, uh, at Jetski Johnson on all social media. What else Jetski? That's it. Come over to my social media and hang out. Come on over and hang out. Hang out. Spend a few hours on her social media. You could even take over her social media if you want. Her password's probably really easy to guess. Just keep trying.

You have two factor, two factor authentication. What's it called? Vroom, vroom 69. Vroom, vroom 69 is the password. Ladies and gentlemen, Chroma Chris was here the entire time. Believe it or not, that was grand slam. Sam, Sam coming to you from the sidelines. What else? Chroma, did we miss anything tonight? Oh, no. Thank you to orange. And also you could follow me at Chroma Chris on Instagram. What'd you think about tonight's episode?

Oh, Tony, you knocked it out of the park. And I know the fans of this show are never going to believe this because he was in character so deeply, but believe it or not, Forrest Dunke was actually Joel Jimenez tonight. I even knew that and I couldn't believe it. And so you took off the wiglet. Joel is at Mostly Sorry on social media. What else, Joel? I think we got a premiere of Mostly Sorry podcast, me and David Deere tomorrow,

five o'clock YouTube. And that's it. That's right. David Deere is at MF David Deere on all social media. Follow this guy. I mean, he has his little hands in all the funniest cookie jars. He's with us on Kill Tony. He's with the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And he's with pretty much fucking who I think is top, top three funniest human beings in the world. The great Donnell Rawlings over at the Donnell Rawlings show. David is a wizard at these things.

He's a great person to have around a great energy and we absolutely love him. And a great kisser too. At MF David Deere. Red Band, anything else? Check out Brothers and Curse of Desquad.tv with William Montgomery and David Lucas and Brian Holtzman's podcast. You can all be found at Desquad.tv and check out me and Virtual Reality, a virtual red band on YouTube.

That's right. Go to infinitecbd.com. Use the promo code Kill Tony. Get 20% off. Go to getroman.com slash Tony and get $15 off your first order of BB treatment. And if you want to make fun of people better in your normal life or learn more about roasting overall, the history of it, talk to some of the great writers of it or the writers in the history of it. We have Greg Giraldo's ghost writer on this week, the great Jesse Joyce, who's been on Kill Tony and so many other fun things.

That's a patreon.com slash hingecliff. All right, that's it. See you next week. All right. You