KILL TONY - KT #468 – QUARANTINED #23

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

Josh Adam Meyers, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/17/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about in person. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, without leaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY for a free online visit and free two day shipping.—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY 

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com.

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a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Hey, what's up everybody? Brian Red Band, how are you? Good. How are you doing buddy? Good. Good to be here.

This is Red Band Company Live from the road's famous comedy store, Spore, like a mushroom. Speaking of mushrooms, the house artist is here, the great Ryan J. Ebelt ladies and gentlemen. He is an amazing artist. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. Everything's available at RyanJEbelt.com. Every episode, every tour poster. He draws them all on mushrooms. Yep.

He draws them on mushrooms. He draws them off mushrooms. He draws them. He's known for doing every drug. He's the only person we know that's done every drug. He has the Corona vaccine. Everything. Incredible.

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We are back in the guest range of Kill Tony. This young man, one of my favorite comedians on the planet. I actually started with this guy over 13 years ago. We've been through it all together. He is the creator and the host of the hit show on Comedy Central, Goddamn Comedy Jam. I perform on the Goddamn Comedy Jam. All your favorite comedians do at Skankfest and all the big festivals. He's also the incredible host of the new Spotify show, The 500 with Josh Adam Myers.

It's our guest for this show, the great Josh Adam Myers, everybody. Hey. Yeah. What's up, buddy? This guy is a brother to me. A brother in arms. Love your Spotify show, The 500 where you go over the 500 greatest albums of all time, according to the Rolling Stone magazine.

Yes. The list is not, is not like final in the sense of that these are the greatest records ever. That's the one that I chose. I love it. Yeah. I absolutely love it. I'm looking forward to doing it one day.

Yes. When you get to a Pink Floyd album. Is there an album that's on that list that you're like, I can't believe this is on the list. I don't even want to talk about this album. You know what's funny is every single time there's an album that's on the list that I'm like, I'm not going to like this. I fucking love it.

Yeah, that happened. I just did Shenado Connor. Oh, she's great. That's great. And it was fantastic. But it was like, you're like, I'm only going to know one song and it's the only one I really like. You put it on.

You're like, this is more revolutionary than any rage against the machine album. That version, her version of nothing compares to you does something to me to where like, I don't even have anybody that I picture. Like after high school, it was that ex-girlfriend. You know what I mean? That first relationship that didn't go the way you wanted it to. I'd picture her then. But now I don't even have anybody to picture and it still takes me to just the fucking

I could cry every time listening to that. Do you want to know something funny about the song? Prince wrote it and people think he wrote it about his favorite housekeeper. And so all the things in the song are the things that she did, like like water flowers. And so. So yeah, it's like everybody thinks this is a song about like love and it's written about a woman, but it is written about a woman, but it's housekeeper. It was really his housekeeper.

Yeah, that's what I mean. That's at least the fact that my writer brought up. I don't do I do the research, but like I have a main writer that just gets everything about every sound. It's been seven hours and 15 days. Yeah. Since you took your. I mean, the song is biologically correct.

Wow. Anatomically correct. And that's interesting. You have a podcast that the more you listen to it, the better it gets because you're going down a list to the number one. Yeah, like you started off with what Millie Vanilly or something probably. I wish Millie Vanilly was on that. That I'm fucking slapped.

It was because we had a friend, our friend, Angelo, and Angelo knew everything about music and he always made fun of me because I didn't know certain albums. He'd be like, how do you not know that album or that band? And I'm like, well, I know the band. I just don't know the album. I know certain songs. And so I just got bored one day like you were all listening to the same music. And if you just go in there with like, all right, I don't care if this is the style of

music that I like, like I'm just going to open, open, listen to it. And if it like, if you give it the time, like the album fucking connects every single one, I'm like, there are moments where I'm like, I hate it. And then I'm like, no, that's the greatest album I've ever heard in my life. Well, we have a band on this show. I don't know if you know this or not. But if your if your podcast had to do with the top five million albums of all time, the lead singer of our band would probably be your first episode.

We just work. All right. With no further ado, every single episode, the band commits to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Let's all find out together what they are on this evening's episode of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Walken, Stohlberg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski, Josie Johnson, and Chroma Kress.

Oh shit. Oh shit. I know this song. Travel down the road and back again. Your hottest. Oh my goodness. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. They are back. My favorite comedy sitcom of all time. What I argue continuously as the funniest show of all time, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Golden Girls. Oh, you just said you didn't know until I said it. No, I thought this was rock.

This is it. This is the real deal. That's B Arthur right there. It's so good. Blanche. Wait, you're not Blanche. It's Blanche. Dorothy.

Wow. I thought it was your favorite comedy show of all time. You don't even know her name. Dorothy. Dorothy. Rose. Scary Blanche. Blanche.

And Grandma. Sophia Petrilo. Sophia. Dude, how do I not know everybody on that show when I watch it all the time? I know. It's so fucking awesome. Joke, joke, joke, joke, jokes. How you doing tonight?

I don't know. How are you? Oh, I'm good. We're good. We're excited to be here. You are too. How are things in Florida right now with the COVID and everything? You guys are okay?

Oh, worried about mother as always. Well, how you been, mother? Oh, I'm doing fine. I took a look at myself in the mirror backstage. I looked like when ET dressed up in the women's clothes. I was going to say, again, you took the words right out of my mouth. You're the only person that when you put on that outfit, you look more like ET than anything else.

It's very bizarre. Thank you. You look like you should be riding an e-bike to the moon. Yeah, that is pretty cool. And that's pedaling that way. And that's Wes Craven presents Blanche back there. The whore, Rue. Why, hello, fellas, I'm on the hunt for a cougar.

I mean, I am a cougar on the hunt, and I am whip. Yep. Wow. I mean, you know, it's a pretty lazy-ass Rue McClanahan. You could have fucking gone with the southern accent just to spice it up a little bit. Well, Josh. There it is. Oh, that just made my dick hard.

What I was trying to say is I'm a cougar, and I would settle for Tony the Tiger. Show us a nipple. Oh, no. Red Band. What did he say? Nothing. He didn't say anything. And then the loveliest of them all, the great Rose is here.

How are you, Rose? Oh, I'm good. They told me I'd go and kill Tony, but I'd be honest, I've never killed anything before. Oh, not even when you were in St. Olaf? Oh, that reminds me of a story at St. Olaf, but, you know, they wanted us to kill their rabbits for a stew on Christmas, and I just couldn't do it. I ended up keeping one under my bed for about a year. It was so cute.

This rabbit. Oh, I named them Benny. It was so soft. All the kids wanted to play with them enough with the stories. Get on with it. That's the Dorothy. I know. Always cutting off roads.

It's a true story. Canned audience laughter right there for sure on that one. Make it big. I'm excited about this, guys. We have a bucket. There's people out there spread 20 feet apart in this room. A lot of spread going on out there. And so let's just jump right into it.

But let's get things kickstarted with the bang. Shall we? Oh, look at that. The one person that's not in the room. What a fucking incredible. Absolutely. Wow. Two weeks in a row.

Yeah. That's mind boggling. Let's start off with the bucket. Shall we? That sounds exciting. Jesus Christ. OK, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, this is very exciting.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. Oh, here he is. All right, everybody. He's a regular on this show for right now. Right now he's a regular. Technically, he's still a regular. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. You love him.

It's the big red machine. William lights out Montgomery. Here he is. Oh, OK. Here he is. I hope everybody's doing well. It's gotten to the point where I only read the obituaries to see if they've

featured anyone I've killed. People ask me if there's anything I regret doing during this COVID quarantine. The only thing that comes to mind is that I really wish I hadn't eaten that bat. Who knew the mass singer would be ahead of its time? I noticed in the elevator the other day that it had a sign that it only goes up.

I asked the lady at the front desk how you get down, and she said 3-11. That's all I've got right now. There you go. It took you a few seconds to do it. Yeah. Do a party and invite everyone you knew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me.

And the car that that's what you were looking for. It would be from me. And the car that that would say thank you for being a friend. William Montgomery. William Montgomery. What a performance to get things started by William Montgomery, everybody. All jokes all the way through.

50 seconds of thunder and lightning. So nice to be here. That was probably your best set ever. That really probably was your best set ever. Josh, did you like that 3-11 joke? I think you're a big 3-11 fan. Big Willy style. I loved everything except for the 3-11 joke.

What do you mean? That was my best joke. The worst band in the history of bands. White people should not do reggae. I'm telling you you're wrong about this, Josh. Because you're friends with them. Well, I'm the bass player. It's not a chicken or the egg thing, though.

I was a fan of them before I was friends with them. It's 8.16 AM. Would you wake up from me? What song's that? That's not that song. That's not that song. That's not the 3-11. It was a great joke.

I had friends in high school that loved that band. You'll appreciate this. Have you ever seen them live? No. See, that's how I know. Yeah, I've seen them live. No, but I just don't like white people doing reggae. First of all, it's not a white guy.

His name's Essay Martinez. That is racial profiling. He's Latino. The white guy doesn't do the reggae the next time. You said, if you go to the region, you will get shot. That's not a 3-11 song. Speaking of the government, that's not a fucking 3-11 song.

Trust me, even though I dislike them, I know a lot of their music. Jesus. What are you doing? Why are you all dressed up like that? William, William, William. You got to chill out a little bit. I looked over there.

Why are you all dressed up like that? William. OK, there you go. Dorothy, you seemed really mad at one point during the 3-11 talks. Why is that? I had a punchline nine years ago, but this one wouldn't use its peripherals.

There it is. There's the Golden Girls sound effects. Golden Girls, OK. Dorothy, you bitch. Gosh. You could never make me come original, Josh, out of my mind. When things get back to normal, Josh, I'm going to take you to your first 3-11 live concert,

and I'm going to watch you become a fan. And I would go to a 3-11 concert if it's with you, because we'd have fun. Because when I come with y'all, OK. OK, you're over talking. William, we are connecting right now, man. How? It's the first show.

How's this happening already? I'm sorry, I mean, I feel on a podcast. I'm confused. How? This is like your 700th time on this fucking show. I'm confused right now. How? Because I've been sick as shit.

OK, we heard that months ago. I'm sick as shit right now. Well, we just heard that. You just said that. I am really sick right now. Yeah, what are your symptoms? Coughing, sneezing, eating a bunch of Reese's peanut butter cups.

David Deerey, did you check his temperature? No, he didn't. What did it come in at? 97. Another symptom. No, you didn't, David. Another symptom, looking like a coal miner who shops at Old Navy.

I mean, come on. Who is that directed at? Yeah, that was you. Who's that directed at? That's you, my nephew. Hello. Who's that directed at? Oh.

Come on. Is my penis showing? Yes, William. Oh, is my thing showing? Oh, my God. Why is your underwear all squiggly, wiggly? Like, why is it? Why is it all kitten caboodle like that?

What the fuck, dude? Do y'all see my pubes right now? No, your your fupa covers them. Thank God. What is going on? Come on. What do you mean? I've been working out, Josh.

What have you been working out? Your boxers? It's the only thing that looks big on you. Working out my boxers. Only thing that's big on me, I don't get it. You're so weird. I don't get it. Why are you dressed like you're going to Bonnaroo?

What does that mean? What's Bonnaroo? Your underwear is all disheveled. You're in cargoes. You look like the garbage man at Bonnaroo. Garbage man at Bonnaroo. What's up? My name is Alex Rodriguez.

Oh, is that your name? Yeah, I'm the garbage man at Bonnaroo. Then you know what? That's what I'll bring you. If that's your name, then that's what I'll bring you up as. Will you please? Alturo Rodriguez. Artorio Rodriguez?

Artorio Rodriguez. Arturio. Arturio. Man. Yeah. What's happened? William, let's talk about your personal life. Let's talk about it long, hard, and deep here.

What's been going on? Because you've been in wildfire lately. I've been eating a bunch of Prano Pups. Prano Pups? Yeah, it's a, what is that thing called? It's a hot dog on a stick with bread around it? Corn dog. Yeah, it's a corn dog.

A corn dog. A corn dog. I've been eating a bunch of Prano Pups recently. Literally, I have. Are those like tiny corn dogs? No, they're a feet long. It's a foot long. How many feet?

It's two feet long Prano Pups. Christ, dude. I've been eating it. Maybe that's why my belly looks like that. Oh, my God. That's not a corn dog. That's a corn horse. Am I right, Peter?

Sometimes I like to pretend like we still have sold out shows. Yeah, that would have gotten a big one. They would have done the wave right there. They would have been like, ah! That would have gone good. Yeah, corn horse. Corn horse.

Why is your underwear like that? Can we get to the bottom of that? Yeah. What do you mean, the design? Can we get to the bottoms of that? What do you mean, the design? No, it's like out and in. Josh, he's had his zippers been broken on his shorts

for about two months now, and he wears the shorts every single day. OK, that makes sense. I get it. I have pants like that. They're comfy, right? They're super comfy. I've had them like six years now.

David, what are you doing moving around like that, you bitch? You don't ask questions to people. You're a guest on the show, not the host, right? I'm sorry. You know that, right? I just hate David Deary. Oh, my goodness. That's why I brought it up.

He's a real bitch. Whoa, William. Look at those gloves on your hands, you fag. Whoa, William. William, relax. Looks like he's about to go in my butthole. You faggot. William, is there any truth to you throwing parties lately

and the FBI threatening to cut off your water and power? Yeah, I was with Jake Paul two weeks ago. Yeah? What'd you guys do? We were having sex with guys. Yeah? David Deary was there. What's your favorite part?

With his rubber gloves on, helping, inserting my penis into a guy's butthole. This guy is such a fag. That's what David does. David guides the penises into the buttholes. He helped guide my penis into this guy named Dillard's butthole. Dillard?

Yeah, a guy Dillard. I think he's from South Carolina. Dillard? Yes, Dillard. Like the department store? Yeah, like the department store. Wow. Was Mervyn's there as well?

Yeah, Mervyn's was there as well. You all are really good at this one. Was Ross there? Yeah, Ross was there? How about JC Penney was he there? JC Penney was there. Was Cole there? Mr. Cole was not.

Circuit City? Circuit City, you messed that one up. Oh, red band. Red band. What do you mean Circuit City? That's a guy. How's that someone's name? He died.

Has anybody ever told you look like the Kraft macaroni and cheese dinosaur? Mm, yummy. Wow, that's an interesting reference. I love Kraft macaroni and cheese. I knew that was coming. How do you think of that one? Well, that guy over there, Dorothy

knows all the poor people's food. How do you think of that one? It's true, I'm a poor bitch. Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. Oh, Jesus, all right. Whoa. Lot of cereal lately, I've noticed. That seems to be the new.

Lot of cereal. I don't know what's going on over there. Does somebody tell you that you eating cereal at a low camera angle is a great thing? Let's just say, lot of likes. You ate a breakfast burrito, and then an hour later, you had a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. I like breakfast.

I'm not going to bitch. What can you say? I love it. French toast crunch, ordered especially off the internet. Love it. Keep doing it. I think it's hilarious. I'm your biggest fan.

Keep eating cereal. Keep doing. Oh, what the fuck? Do you know you're eating two foot long corn dogs? What do you mean I'm eating two foot long? Hot dogs, corn dogs, corn dogs. What do you mean? Corn dog.

It's pronounced dog. Dogs. What do you mean? Corn dogs. I've been eating corn dogs. See, it's much better that way. I've been eating corn dogs. What is your diet for real?

Are you for real like a corn dog guy? Uncut watermelon. Let's check in with Dorothy real quick. Could you say the corn dogs while you're driving your favorite car, which is a? Fort Tourist. No, it was Hyundai Elantra is trying to set you up for it. Hey, what's up, y'all?

We are going 50 miles an hour in this thing. I mean, a corn dog. A what? Corn dog. Dog? Is that? Y'all are really messing me up. Let me in.

Why are you looking at me that way? I would just like to say that went even better than I expected. That's right. Was it really? Hey, David, would you help me guide my penis into his bottom? All right, William, I love today's set. Like we actually said, and we're not kidding,

that might be one of your best sets ever. Coronavirus joke, the bat, the masked singer joke, all topical, all well-written, very, very smart, very, very funny. When am I going to get on Comedy Central? When are you going to get me Josh Adams Meyer on your show? What's going on? I didn't show up.

I didn't show up. You wouldn't even show up. I wouldn't even show up. Two weeks in a row, you weren't even in the room when we called you. Two even months ago. The real move would be the 500. If you can get famous before he hits number one,

you could probably be on. You have seven and a half years, dude. Is that about how long? No. May 31st, 2028. Wow. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, so it's going to take a while.

That's where the end of the world is. What is that name? Episode 500 of Kill Tony is going to be, I believe, in April 2021. Do you all think I'll still be here for that? Nope. OK. There he goes.

The great, the powerful, William Montgomery. If you threw a party and invited everyone you knew. That's right. You would see the biggest gift would be from me. And the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend. There you go. Might be the best TV theme song of all time. No doubt about it.

Yeah, that's top three. It's on my Spotify playlist that I talk so deeply about. People love it when it comes in out of nowhere. You'd be surprised. I would love you guys to play Threes Company sometime. That would be cool. Wow, yeah, play some of the songs from the 60s. It's 70s.

All right. I pulled this guy's name out when we thought that our first comedian wouldn't be here. This is very, very exciting. This young man has been coming on and off the show for years. We have a lot to catch up with him about. Fan favorite, cast favorite, ladies and gentlemen, it is the return, the long-awaited return of Dan Nolan,

everybody. Friendship never ends. Here's Dan Nolan. That's great. I just got five years sober at the start of quarantine. It sucked. I wanted to go out and get fucked up to celebrate. This is so fucking weird.

I don't know. I'm not actually completely sober. I did drop acid a couple of weeks ago on my birthday, which I don't think counts. Some people think that that counts. I don't. But I feel like I always have to clarify. I'm five years sober unless you are fucking lame.

Then it's a lot of people don't know this. Actually, the guy who founded AA, he got kicked out because he told everybody that they should take acid. And it's really good for sobriety. And they kicked him out. And then when he was on his deathbed, his last dying wish was for a bottle of whiskey. And they refused to give it to him.

And then he just had to die sober, like a fucking dork. I'd be so mad if someone did that to me. I'd be like, are you trying to ruin my deathbed? Like, what are you doing? I'm going to do a bunch of heroin on my deathbed, for sure. And if you don't like it, don't come to my fucking deathbed. You're not invited, you fucking loser. That crushes when there's people.

Yeah, no, it's great. I was just about to say. Brilliant. Friendship never ends. If you want to be. Dan Nolan, the return. And I'm telling you, I know it crushes. That was all great material, all personal to you.

Congratulations on five years of sobriety. Thank you. I love it. It's all about you. It's all true stuff, fucking incredible, and educational at the same time. I love that info about AA. Did you really do acid?

Yeah, yeah, on my birthday. I was down in Key West. That's awesome. Did you immediately go, wow, I miss this drug shit? No, I've done it a bunch. I've probably done it like 10 times over the last five years. Does it help you with staying sober from other things? Yeah, it does a lot for ego.

I think I have ego problems. And it really just makes you step back out of reality and look at yourself objectively. And it just breaks everything down. And you're like, oh, I'm not shit. The universe is fucking gigantic. And I'm just like nothing, but I'm a part of it, so it's cool. It's humbling.

Absolutely. He's on acid now. He's like, everything's great, man. He's like consumers in the fucking golden girls up there. But a very, very trippy version of them. I thought Ru McClanahan was dead. No, she's in my mind. This is actually you, McClanahan.

Go ahead, where are you going to ask Dan? That's a golden shower, girl. Oh, oh, Jesus Christ. And with the shoes off, it's even more sexual for some reason. It's just, yeah, oh, oh, oh. I'm about to throw up my egg plant. Ru McClanahan's.

I'm just about to throw up my eggs, period. You're what? My eggs, oh, they're spoiled. And you don't have much left? Chris looks like Ru Cluclux-Clanahan. So Dan, tell us more about your life lately. It's been a long time since we've seen you. Last time we talked to you, I believe

you said that you were going to go out on the road and just do this wild tour in a car, right? Yeah, you and I bumped into each other in New York at Skankfast. It was great. I did four months. I drove all around the country. It was dope.

Do you have a legit job also? You're making money. Now I do. Now I'm making even more money. It's crazy. Tell us about it. I worked at Bird Scooters, the fucking scooter company. I was like a systems administrator.

You can make discounts on these scooters? I get a free scooter ride still. Wait a second, wait. Where do you work? I used to work at Bird Scooters. You're a scooter collector? I know Red Band has a scooter podcast that he should have. He's into the e-bikes.

He's known for his cycling. A lot of people have been calling him Brendan Slawblade. That's what they call Brendan. Oh, really? Well, they call Brendan everything. I know. They really just love to attack that guy. So where are you working now?

What are you doing now? It's the same job I'm a systems administrator at a different company. It's like project management software for engineers. Wow. My goodness. Yeah, I learned to code by myself. I still don't have a college degree.

I just learned it, and now I make a lot of money. And it's the whole company's remote. And so now I can do that thing again, where I just drive around the country or whatever. Before the shutdown, I was like, all right, I got life by the balls right now. And then everything literally that week. So everything just fucking so far.

Before you started taking LSD, was your ego just like, look at all of these poor people suffering during corona? I am wealthy. Yeah, no, I had a bad trip because I was in Florida. And I was coming up, and I was like, oh, look at all these pieces of shit, like I was on the beach. And then I was like, why am I judging these people? I just started feeling like a fucking asshole.

Yeah, that's how I feel all the time. Have you done acid? I know you've done mushrooms. No, I'm not an acid guy. Not yet. Do you want some? I have seven tabs of acid on me right now. Yeah, I will talk to you after the show, my friend.

Or I could take one right now. How long do you take for it to kick in? About an hour. Have you ever taken an antacid before? Oh. Dorothy. Oh, Dorothy. You a fan of the Golden Girls?

I've watched episodes, and I have had the same reaction that you have where I'm just like, this show is fucking great. It's unbelievable. Same thing with Cheers, too. Some of the shows are so fucking good. Those shows used to know how to really write around their characters.

So what's your love life like now, Dan? I've been with a girl for two years. We live together. I just moved back here. I live down the street now. Jesus. You know, when we met you five plus years ago, you were the opposite of how you are now.

You have nothing together. I was homeless. I literally still had scars on my eye. I had track marks. The first time I did this show was homeless. The first time I did it, I remember everything that I owned was in the belly room. I had two suitcases full of everything that I owned

because I had a job interview here that day. And I had just moved out of a fucking motel I was living with with some girl. And I had nowhere to put my stuff, so I just left it upstairs. Wow. Wow. I love this.

And look at that. Now you have money. You're healthy. You have a good suntan. Drop an acid. You've been taking care of yourself. You have a great relationship. You're happy.

And you're writing jokes about all this. You're turning it all into a positive thing. And that's also funny. Yeah, it's good. I wish I could do. I'm not doing a lot of material about drugs anymore. Like I'm writing new stuff that's just about actual life and being a person.

Drugs used to be your life, and now it's not. But I was like, I don't know what's going to be a minute. So I didn't try to cut anything down. Don't drop the fentanyl humor. That shit always works, dude. I always have a good fentanyl joke in your back pocket. Literally, every time I hear the word fentanyl, I'm just like, oh, yeah.

It's just fucking. You've done it before? Oh, my god. Everybody should try fentanyl once. OK, that is only, Josh. Those views do not represent the opinions of Kiltoni and the Comedy Store Incorporated. Did you really do it, though?

Yeah. I thought that was like, oh, yeah. Josh used to be a real slime ball back in the day. When I sold the goddamn comedy jam, I was high on OxyCot. Wow. Yeah, dude. I used to go to downtown LA and go to Fifth and Broadway,

which is Pill Alley. Let's check in with Rose. Yeah. I thought you only did fentanyl on accident. No, you can do it on purpose. It's way better on purpose. But I thought, I didn't think people went out of their way to do fentanyl.

I thought that was just something you mixed with cheating. I put a patch on me. It's like a 100-milligram fentanyl patch. I mean, it just was on me for like three days, and it felt great. And I went to a Washington Wizards game, and it was amazing. Wow, so then that's what you have

to do to make a Washington Wizards game interesting. But, dude, I was like, we were losing by 20 points, but I felt so good. And I was like, come on! Let's go! That's incredible. You're in the jungle! Like, just kept saying, just like, man.

That's awesome. I love it, man. Well, Dan, congratulations on absolutely everything. You're one of the most awesome fucking rags-to-riches stories in the history of the show. Now that we've been doing it for over seven years, it's cool that we're really getting to see some of these incredible story lines develop

with people, and you're one of the best ones that we have. Cool, man. Yeah, no, it's great to be back. I just saw that you were back here, and so I wanted to hit you up and see if I can get on. Well, look at that. That's how fucking quick it happens. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

the return of the great Dan Nolan. Thank you, everybody. There he goes, everyone. Hey! Again is too easy. That's the way it is. If you want to be. Hey, all right.

Let's keep it rolling along smoothly. Your next comedian, a regular on the show. He's a great writer, a great stand-up comedian, and a great roaster. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, you'll have him. It's David Lucas. David Lucas. If any black person votes for Biden,

I think you're a fucking idiot. He got on the breakfast club and basically said, if you don't vote for me, you ain't black. Well, nigga, I guess I ain't black. And then recently, he made comments about the Hispanic and the black community lacking diversity. Like, why don't you just go ahead and say, nigga? You know what I'm saying?

But I don't trust crime bill, Biden, because his crime bill is responsible for more black deaths than COVID-19. Like, you pandering hard as hell to the black people, dawg, you might as well pick Flavor Flav for your running mate, at least you can have a nigga that a second drive with you when you're trying to get the black folks to give them some free chicken while you're at it.

All right, that's that's that. I thought I was a little. No, that's good. You're right. You're right there. How much time was that? Everybody's done 50 seconds tonight. It's good.

That makes sense. It makes sense. 50 seconds is the new minute, because we used to have. The crowd. A room full of laughter. So you're saying you're voting for Trump off the bat. Like, you think, like, in an audience, do you think that is Tony just came in and is it you think

like a joke like that and like a full audience, do you think that's going to work or it's going to turn half the audience against you? Whoa, red band. I don't think I care. Red band getting. Because it's like, bro, like, you know, both sides. All right, you can say neither political side is for black

people, but I like my racism with tangibles and Trump has been handing out tangibles with police reform. Let's not forget about it. Come on, red band knows what he's talking about. He watches CNN for three minutes a day. So he has a very educated opinion on politics. Going to start calling him blue band. Yeah.

Yeah. The only thing he likes about the Republicans is the elephant. Oh, I'm saying is that that's kind of like, you know, like an abortion joke almost where. Or like a poop joke or a butthole joke. No, I mean, like, that's going to get people angry against you. But how can a presidential candidate come on TV and say, if you don't vote for me, you're not black?

I mean, I'd never heard him say that before. No, he did. It's unfortunate. Yeah. Yeah, it was global news. Yeah, bro, that don't make me want to vote for you. But I think the key to doing, especially in Los Angeles, and doing like a Biden joke, it's just you've got to balance it

out with a Trump joke. You know, I mean, even if you support, like it's like shit on both of them. I mean, it's like, look, I. Both are fucked up. You know what I'm saying? You start with that and then you go into the Biden shit. That's it.

I mean, and, you know, that's if that's if that and it also depends exactly where you're performing because if you're doing it to protect yourself, which I don't believe you need to pander either way. But in Texas or Georgia, right? Any other place south of fucking really, I mean, that's not on a coast. I'm probably not voting anyway.

In California, we have the electoral votes. And look, the joke isn't even about Democrats, Republican, liberals or conservative. It's about race and him pandering pandering to black people. Exactly. Which is absolutely true. And it's something flavorful. Don't you think Trump panders to white people, though?

Absolutely. Yeah. Fucking Sophia with the truth bombs. Welcome to Hot Topics with my mom. That reminds me, I saw a panda at the zoo the other day. But I mean, wow, we don't really want to talk about politics. But it's just like, if you look at his executive orders, who have they helped the most?

And that's what my point was, like even doing politics in stand up, it's almost kind of like, why bother? Because you're just going to fuck up. It's really not even to even make a political statement. It's just to stretch my muscle to write on some shit. I know it's absolutely great. It's very important to work muscles and write jokes about different things.

And things that are happening. I'm trying to be a little bit more topical instead of just having jokes, you know what I'm saying? So absolutely. Absolutely. Yes, I got something. So you're like the you're like the black guy at a Trump rally that everyone has to take a picture with just to prove it.

I'm not going to a Trump rally. I'm not racist. My maid's black. Oh, my God. But I have stayed at the Trump Towers before. And I'm sure it's just nice. It is the best golf course I've ever played. Oh, Jesus.

Wait, what? Manly Bay. Once. Are you just saying random things now? Did he just say that? Didn't he say the Trump Tower is the hotel, right? Yeah. I said so is Mandalay Bay.

It's a nice hotel. Yeah. Have you stayed at Mandalay Bay? Many times. Really? Yeah. Because it's not that nice of a hotel. It used to be.

OK. Now it smells a little weird. Oh, where do I get these problems? I was born in a circus circus because I'm a poor bitch. A circus circus. And people don't know circus circus is a broke ass hotel. Hey, Golden Girls, how do y'all feel about them removing your episode with mud massing

that it was blackface? Golden Girls, how y'all feel about that? It's a travesty. Oh, my goodness. It was mud. It wasn't blackface, honey. We love you. This show's out of control.

I'm just glad we all learned something today despite our differences, and we're still best friends. What did we learn, Rose? We learned that. We all think differently. I think Red Band just canceled Brothers and Curses. It wouldn't be because of you, my friend. Oh, I know who it would be.

I don't even know what's happening right now. I've completely lost track of all of this. I heard Tony got a new movie coming out on Disney Plus. Oh, come on. What are you talking about? What's the movie? Booty and the Beast. Oh.

You play Booty. That's not true. It's a sequel to Up, My Ass. And it's a third one to Sex Toy Story. Tony dressed like he sell dildo insurance. Oh, come on. Why? Do you need to buy some dildo insurance?

Because we have a really good rate right now. You can get a $5 deductible. Hey, we call it a deductible in the dildo business. There's actually a lot of terms for it. Yeah, there's fucking dildo insurance. There's booty hole coverage. I'm thinking of this gay bono called Booty and the Beast, where it's like starring Aston.

Starring who? Aston. Instead of Gaston. No one's gay like Gaston. No one sucks like Gaston. OK. I don't know. Literally.

I've said this a few times in the last 10 minutes. I have no idea what's going on right now. Seems like that outfit's kicking in. Yeah, it really is. It really is. I'm glad we edited out the part that I took it, but it's kicking in fast. Tony, you can't let William start the show off no more, bro.

That's what set the tone up for craziness. You're not. I like it crazy. I like it like this. But now Red Band is questioning me about my political stance. No, it's true. No, I'm not. I'm just saying.

It's true. Look, I respect Red Band's opinion, because I take all my political knowledge from a guy that wakes up at 5 p.m. every day. That's what I'm into. He understands how laws work and everything, right? The love, gravity. It's a beautiful thing.

CNN for Red Band stands for cooking noodles naked. Cooking noodles. My girlfriend does do that for me. That's the greatest I've ever heard by fucking life. I fucking love that. Cooking noodles and naked. Cooking noodles naked. That's CNN for Red Band.

HBO stands for home bakery office. No, it doesn't. It's home box office. Wow. Honey, I'm just kidding. No, you're not. You actually thought that. He thought that made you some cookies.

Red Band thought that each channel was about bikes. I'll read that. I'll be to interrupt you. But one of the people came and told me your car is going off. Is that true? The lights keep flashing like every third. Oh, no, that's my alarm system.

This has now become a weekly problem on Kilt Tony. This incredible electric car is a real mind of its own out there. It has an alarm system where it's constantly taking photos of people. You must have got some grease on the touch screen. You ever jerk off to a photo that your car takes? Yeah, it takes video, Tony. Whoa. What is it?

Anything good happening out there? Can you see? No. It will tell me if I like it. It's just because it's parked near the sidewalks. Anyone walking by. Got you. That's why I keep going.

All right. David, so much fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the performance side. I love it when people do things out of their comfort zone. Things that are different. If only we could get William to do something different each week. I'm just kidding.

He had a great set tonight. Everything's good. And yeah, great stuff. A perspective that would shock people and be very compelling to say the least. We love you. The great David Lucas. Yeah. David Lucas.

Back to the bucket. We go. Wow. We know this young man. He's made a couple appearances on the show in the past month. One of the great comedy veterans here at the comedy store. A future paid regular of the comedy store current door guy. This is a cool guy to hang out with a fucking fun guy on stage and off.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mitch Burrow. Here we go. All right. Okay. Mitch Burrow everybody. Come on. Give him a hand guys. There's a few people.

Thank you. Thank you. I recently found out about in sales and everyone's mad at them. I don't think that's fair. These guys aren't getting a fuck. I think they have every right to complain. The people who I don't like are the guys that do fuck and still complain about it. The other day I was with this guy and he was telling me he was like, dude, I was fucking

this chick last night and the whole time she just laid there. She just laid there. It sucked. I was like, really? That's what bothered you? That she was there? You didn't like that? You should try doing it alone sometime.

I don't really think you appreciate the situation, plus me personally, I don't like it when they move around a lot. It makes me think they're trying to get away. Having a southern accent, I get upset when people pick on accents. The other day I heard these two guys behind me making fun of the Chinese accents and I was like, uh-uh, not on my watch, that ain't going to happen. So I turned around and let them know. I was like, hey, y'all need to cut that shit out and it was just two Chinese dudes talking

to each other. So I was like, my bad. I'm an idiot, but my heart's in the right place. Mitch Burrow. Stick right to the rivers and the lakes that your years go and I know you're on a way or nothing at all, but I think you are better that way. Moving to Burrow. Hi Mitch.

What up, Tony? How's it going, buddy? How's it going? I had a great day today. Hell yeah. Me too. I'm right there with you. Brighten early on the golf course.

Hit in the links. Yep. Had the best game of my life. That is true. I killed Tony. I tend to bring that out in people. Me and Mitch played golf earlier today and Mitch won. Yep.

That's right. It was a beautiful game early morning, beautiful, beautiful trip to the top of the mountains of beautiful Pasadena, California. Yeah. I didn't know that. He has a natural stroke like you could not believe. Insert gay joke here. I thought it would be about me being overweight and dying.

Well, that one too. I guess so. Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you for beating me to the punch there, Mitch. I love it. Absolutely fantastic. We had an Arnold Palmer.

The God of Golf. We had a spiked Arnold Palmer. Which is a John Daly. Yeah. It was incredible. Yeah. It was fucking awesome. It was better than a fucking liquor lemonade iced tea at we were probably was probably

about 1045 a.m. Yeah. Can I real quick? I just want to off topic. Josh is here. Something very funny happened to me during the quarantine. This guy's a big fan of the 500 podcast because he thinks it's about his weight. No, Josh has one of my favorite jokes and I got reminded of it.

I was I was in bed with this girl during quarantine and she was like, Hey, do you want me to suck your dick? And I was like, that'd be great. And then she went to do it. Her fucking hip popped and I was I just go, Oh man, it's like I'm about to get my dick sucked by Josh. Yeah, dude. And she just said, Who is that?

And I was like, Yeah, never mind. My bad. You're thinking of Josh while you're having sex. I never came harder. Dude, I'm glad I popped in your head while you had an erection. Yeah. It's something every comic wants to hear now that's happened with every comedian up here. So I think about Josh every time I'm getting a blow job from a girl that's on fentanyl

that has a friend when I when she gets new to and I see that fentanyl patch, I think of you, but also I think Josh just had an allergic reaction to a nicotine patch and thought it was fentanyl dude. I stole it from my mom. I know it was real. He has a nicotine patch, a fentanyl patch and you just have a sour patch. And you sort of look like a cabbage patch. All right.

Don't forget about all the patches on the split jeans. Whoa. How hard was it for you to change the band name to Lady A? Lady Antebelli. Lady Antebelli. It's a it's a it's a southern she's a she's a country band and Antebellum represents slavery. And then she was like, you know, we're going to change the Lady A instead of just, you

know, completely different. And then it turns out there was a black female artist who's been Lady A for a long time. And Lady Antebellum sued Lady A. Yeah, they sued her sued her black woman from the past for changing after they changed their name to her name. Yeah. To be fair, that black woman had never been a slave. So you know, she didn't really care what happened with David.

Talk a lot because I feel like you two get along. Yeah, we started working out together. So you're just like, fucking Trump's the man. I can see the results. Throw that weight for Trump. Are we just going to breeze past the fact that Tony took credit for your win today? No, that's what's funny about it. We had that's that's been in the running joke with us.

It's the only thing running that has to do with Mitch. I love it when you're wrong because I all those jokes get put on you. Well, he'll be he'll be off in a few minutes. We'll be right back. Are you a Trump supporter? Good question. No, Josh. Oh, you're not.

No, I don't like the way that he talks. I thought but I thought I had heard you say that you were like a Republican. Yeah, OK. So yeah, I think that's the problem is that you can be a Republican and be like, you know what, man, I fucking like guns, but I don't like fucking idiots. Right. Yeah. And you know, you can then you like pick and cheat. OK, I'm not looking for a slow clap.

I appreciate it. Yeah. But like, it's just. Keep going. It's OK. Ignore the band. You you don't it shouldn't be a team sport. Right. Like when that dude from Alabama was getting accused of trying to have sex

with teenagers, all the Republicans should have been like, hey, you know what? We'll take the L on this one. Right. Democrats can have it. We'll come back next time and beat you with a guy that doesn't fuck kids. But they right said, you know, we're going to. This is still our guy. And that's when I quit being a Republican.

Exactly. So now you're you're going to vote for Biden in this upcoming election. No, I do. I just ain't going to do it. I voted for Gary Johnson last time. I'm just going to keep voting for Gary Johnson. That's my guy runs every four years. He wears a sport coat with blue jeans. That's my dude, man.

Yeah, dude. I like that. She's business and casual all at the same time. Wow. Sport coat and blue jeans is like the mullet of a tire. So I did get very, very interesting. Did you ever? Who else have you voted for in the past? I only voted Jimmy Dean that time.

Yeah, my grandmother was asked me what kind of sausage I wanted. I was like, Jimmy Dean, or is a right in. I I really only voted once. You know, the rest of the time I was like, oh, you know, it's OK. Everything's cool. And then Trump started running. I was like, I wanted to go. Then you voted twice.

I just wanted to go third party. Right, of course. I didn't. I mean, no, I only voted the one time. Right. Yeah. You don't get to vote more or more just because you're bigger. Unless you have. Right. I was thinking about your absentee ballot pack in Georgia. No, no, no, no.

I never did that. Even when I was in the Marine Corps, I never voted because I just figured everybody else could would figure it out. I shouldn't. People like me shouldn't be voting anyway. Right. I didn't you look at the ballot. You don't know half of the names on the list. Usually when you're voting, it's for a new Mountain Dew flavor.

You know, that's not fair. Here's what happened. South Park did a did a thing about it with a fat guy and a Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew used to be that day. Yeah, but Mount Mountain Dew used to be energy drinks. Right. It was the extreme people. Motorcycles, fucking skydivers do that. Yeah, fucking.

It was do the do. Yeah, extreme, baby. Yeah. And then South Park was like, look at that fat bald guy with a computer. And now that became the joke. It ain't it ain't right. Oh, that's I just think of white trash. That's all I think of when I. Yeah, who do you think rides motorcycles and and go skydiving?

Yeah, I just said all those. I'm just saying, I don't think it's a I don't think of fat like nerdy guys at a computer when I think of Mountain Dew. I think of just white trash. Oh, OK. Well, then, yeah, I love Mountain Dew. I just I just don't want to be associated to on the nose. I love it. What else has been going on, Mitch? What's going on in your world?

I just had a birthday. Oh, shit, that's beautiful. Yeah, you get to eat cake and have an excuse. This you you bought me a cake. That's right. And then I was a cupcake. I was I was looking at the comments on here and someone on on where on the on the Kill Tony videos.

You on an episode that you were on. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah. Oh, no, you know what it was? I did. Hulsman's. No, they they like me. It's great. I can't wait to read about it. Who did that? People that haven't done acid. I still have an ego.

So I still kind of I got to feed it. You still have an ego after reading the comments. You have an ego. Dude. OK. Listen, listen to everything that these fuckers and you were saying. And then you think a comment on YouTube is going to bother. They they're nicer than what you guys do.

That's sweet. Thank you. Yeah, I have to I have to go read the comments immediately after this just to feel because are you like, you know, man, she really ain't that fat. OK, so you read the comments and then what happened? And so it was on the Hulsman episode that I did on dead air on dead squad. Yeah, so I did dead air and someone said I wonder if

Kill Tony still has a dark soul from when I did the the DMT. And I told him I was like, Tony, actually, his his soul is very bright and shiny now after I got that. You responded to a comment on YouTube. Yeah, I let him know. I ain't going to let him talk about you like that. What the fuck is wrong with you? And that now they follow me.

I got a new fan. Oh my goodness. You know, you got to interact with these people. Do you? Yes, you got to. I think you need to interact with these people, Mitch. Well, that's what I'm talking about when I say that. Me, I love it. I'm very needy. Did you get anything good for your birthday

other than a cupcake? I got some flip flops. Oh, and some board shorts. Wow. When I go surfing. Damn, you surf. No, I did it. I tried it once. I had to use a paddle board. Oh, please, please.

I shouldn't have said that out loud. It's we need video of this. It's it's called sinking one of it. He goes. Eventually, everyone does that. Jeremiah, my good Dorothy. Sorry, which one's the whore? That's that's this one right here.

That's the terrifying. What would you do to her if given the chance? Whatever the law allows, I guess. I saw her doing that thing with her tongue. I like I like tongue stuff. Whoa, her hip. Definitely blanch meat ranch. I thought I thought your set was really good.

Thank you. Oh, wow. Are you the oldest one? Yeah, you know, she was actually the youngest of the actresses. Yeah, yeah, I got a lot of Golden Girls trivia. Oh, what else? What else do you know? That's actually I didn't think you were going to follow up on that. Yes, Quentin Tarantino. I believe once played a pizza man or something like that.

He was Elvis impersonator. That's I always get the pizza man and Elvis impersonator. Favorite show of all time. I only saw it was like a three second cameo. I only saw one episode and that was the one where the horror. She she rear ended a guy because that was her move. She'd see a guy with a Lexus or a Cadillac bump into him and then like exchange information and be kind of slutty

and then like start dating him. This one, she did it. He got out wearing a neck brace and then it was like, I'm going to sue you even though you're a whore. And then that was what the whole episode was about. I I invited Quentin Tarantino to kill Tony one time. That's true. I think we talked about this on the Ice House episode.

Tony didn't believe me at first, but he thought I was pulling his leg. But I went up to him at a restaurant when I saw him eating there. And I've always wonder why Quentin is never shown up to the show. That that confirmed it right then and there. I was dressed as Dorothy from the girls. I said, I do a show at the comedy store. Were you wearing the flip flops? He's he's in the feet.

So that would have helped, actually. Yeah. Yeah. I always thought growing up when I was young, that Dorothy was a man dressed up as a woman like a trend. I thought so, too. Yeah. Really? Yes. Is that B. Arthur? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I mean, because I'd never heard a woman with that deep of a voice before. And she was tall and lurky kind of, you know,

if you're going to have a voice that deep, you should be Arthur. Oh, my goodness. There you go. There he goes. Mitch Burrow, everybody. There's Mitch. Mitch, what's your social media again? At Mitch Burrow on everything in Dan Nolan comedy. Beautiful. You know, let's go to the bucket one more time before. But I think it's better that way.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I said, don't go chasing waterfall. All right. Pull another name out of the bucket. We know this young man. He's been on the show before as well from the great state of Louisiana. Ladies and gentlemen, here is the one and the only.

I do believe he's here. Here comes with no further ado, a guy that goes by the name of Nate Welch. Nate Welch. Here comes Nate. Here's Nate right here. Here he is live in the flesh. Here's Nate. Thank you.

A lot of people think I ain't got no culture just because I look like this like art and shit like Star Wars. That's art, ain't it? Well, Van Gogh's story night, that painting, that bitch is tight. Don't believe me. Look at it, son. And back that ass up by juvenile. There's a classic that will transcend the test of time.

See, for those of you who don't know, cash money took over for the nine nines in the two thousands and I'd be willing to bet they're going to be taking over for the two nine, nine nines in the three thousands. Just imagine like a bunch of torque and terminators. Because I've been a bouncer for 12 years. Some of the biggest clubs in New Orleans and some of the biggest clubs out here. And it's a universal fact.

As long as they got ass, they go back it up when you when I'll tell them to. There you go. Yeah. Right. Long as you love me. Fuck, yeah. Nate Welch coming in with some unexpected back that ass up material. I would not have predicted that if I if given 1000 guesses, I wouldn't have guessed that you would have gone with a juvenile theme set tonight.

This is M Night Shyamalan ending. A lot of cash money references in there. Not what we would consider topical, but. Educational. He's like, I got 10 minutes on the terror squad. That was like a big gang warfare when I was coming up through high school. The no limit soldiers versus cash money records. The Alliance of the Great Master P mystical silk, the shocker.

Sea murder, sea murder. Even Snoop Dogg at one point. Snoop Dogg signed with a no limit for a bit there. Incredible. And then, of course, cash money records. Juvenile, Lil Wayne, a tiny little boy at the time. He was actually Lil back then and the Great Birdman was also part of money. Fresh cash money.

Be fresh cash money. Who else? BG Bia X. Or was she? Me X was a no limit soldier. She was on the tank as we call it. I was actually a no limit soldier in my imagination. I had taken a stance.

I had taken a true alliance with it. That's what I would listen to in my headphones while cutting weight for wrestling, running around with trash bags on. Or as some of you would call it, being a red band. No, I'm kidding. You don't run around. So let's talk about it. Nate, you a fan of cash money.

Oh my God. Sometimes it's just too much, honey. You're from New Orleans, right? Yeah, I have like an older friend from there and even he knew the hot boys. They were so big for a while. Any of these people, by the way. You don't really know any of them? No.

You were like 35 at the time. No, I mean, it's my hippie, hippie days, I think. Yeah, I stopped listening to rap. Gator boots and then fixed up Gucci suits. And I'm so drunk because I'm still fine. Oh, I know that song. Hey. Did you start stand up in New Orleans?

Yeah, I did it for about three months. So they do have comedy there. I was was told that they don't even have any. It was a really howling wolf. It's nothing like out here. It's nothing on that level. Well, what's the comedy club there? They don't really even have any.

What howling wolf or howling Jack? Dr. Jimbo's laugh. The closest thing they have, but it's more of a bar, that they just do a good kind of doesn't even have a name. Just it's just a noise. Just all right. We're going to fight on the seat. Dude, that probably kills the fucking hot boy.

Shit in New Orleans. I bet you've got like 20 minutes on Katrina. I could talk for Katrina for a long time. Yeah, I don't really got no minutes on it right now, just because I didn't really tap. I've been writing on that. I never really tried none of that shit. Um, just because it's just I got about 20 minutes of other shit.

I got 45 minutes on gumbo. You tell you about 20 centuries for about 15 minutes. What do you what do you miss about New Orleans? Dude, I miss so much back home, but I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss the culture. You friends with a guy named Jimbo? Jimbo. Yeah. No.

I know a gym and I know a bow. Whoa, knowing a bow is half the battle, really. B. E. A. U. X. Of course. Wow. Oh my goodness. I rest a lot of gators. Yeah. Yeah, my home town got destroyed in Katrina. So I could probably. Oh, my goodness.

So you were in the Lower Ninth Ward. No, that's what the internet says. But no, Bures is like, you know, Louisiana's like a boot from the very tip of the big toe of the boot. Oh, my God. We got hit before in New Orleans, but it's a small town with nobody in your house. Destroyed everything destroyed.

Yeah, we had a two story house and there was like 18 feet of water in it. What? Like, yeah. So it was like at the lights, which is on the second floor. Wow. Yeah. My room was downstairs. Did you get like all your good personal stuff out of there in time? I evacuated like my family evacuated and hurricanes. Like, you know, it was almost like a crying wolf thing

where it's like, why don't you do it so much as this kind of comes routine and you don't really think about it no more. So all your stuff got ruined. Yeah, I left when I was when we have a special surprise for you. We went through the house. We got your baseball card collection. Ladies and gentlemen, bring it on out. Here's Nate Stout from Hurricane Katrina with a pimped up.

Yeah, I had three pairs of clothes and a PlayStation two after Katrina. Madden had just come out. Say that again. I had three pairs of clothes and a PlayStation two. Oh, wow. Living that William Montgomery life. Yeah, very cool.

But yeah, it was, you know, I don't want to make it sound like a sob story because it was like, you know, it felt like the best thing that ever happened to me. Not right away. But anybody, you know, dying Katrina? Not grandma. Nobody died. Grandma could swim. It was a choice between my PlayStation and grandma. Now, did they did they rebuild your town or they like they rebuilt it? But not like it is. OK.

Because like down there, they had three schools. They had a port soul for Buris and Buville. And after Katrina, they all got destroyed. So they rebuilt one school and everybody. Now they have an excuse for why no one from there can read. Yeah, right? Exactly. Like that's not really an excuse. It's just more like, you know, it happens.

Yeah, they don't they don't do that a lot. They don't like doing that. Like going fishing and shit. You're wearing a waterboy shirt. That was that was centered from around your neighborhood. Yeah, I'm pretty much from the same place as him. A lot of guys that, you know, talk like that one coach from there. My stepdad. Oh, wow. Really? Is that true? This way to God. You talk to him often? No. Oh.

I beat him up twice. Really? You beat him up twice? Yeah. You won both fights? Yeah. My goodness. Yeah. Dominated them? Yeah. I knocked out two of his teeth with one punch. Oh, my God. Well, those must have been pretty loose. They were. Yeah, they weren't in there.

They weren't full. You know what I'm saying? They was they was hanging on by thread. This is Louisiana dentist. Don't necessarily keep it. Happy Thanksgiving. Wow. That was on Thanksgiving. What happened? He wouldn't pass the turkey.

Nah, yeah. The turkey. No. Can you please pass the two foot long corn dogs? Now, I just, you know, he had put his hands on my mom and I found that out. And I told him if I ever catch him, I'm gonna whip his ass. Oh, shit. I caught him. So I was possessed.

Oh, my God. What type of hands did he put on your mom? Oh, on your mom. I just said in your mom. I'm like, how did he do that? No, I like that's my stepdad. I'm assuming that's going to happen. But don't put him on her. Like, don't hit her.

That's my mom. I'll defend any child. Defend the chick over there. I don't even know. Right. You know what I'm saying? Let alone you'll hit your mom before he hit my mom. I know some big bitches. I could give twenty dollars. Well, what's the what's the biggest argument

you and your mom have ever gotten in? That's a good question. You're going to go to Chet's this Sunday night. No, I ain't that kind of people. Where the fuck do you think New Orleans is? Don't you know what the fuck is? He's like a gentleman collar. You better come to church with me on Sunday.

That's where you're going to go is church on Sunday. If you know what was good for you. Eric had Katrina really. I'm from New Orleans. You better go grab that crocodile in the gamba. We're going to church on Sunday. What do you like it or not? The king of the church.

We do we do things in this house. Gators and kangaroos. These are the things that I like. I am from the Baton Rouge. Wait, Rose, what did you say? I said a little mighty. I think this acid's kicking in. Oh, amino acids don't even get me started.

I love it. I love it. So what did he do? He punched your mom. Yeah, apparently he hit her at a bar. Hit her what? At a bar. And I'm a bouncer.

I've been a bouncer for 12 years. I protect people. We did a horrible job that night. I wasn't there. Wow. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. I was on my break, my elbow break. It wasn't at the bar.

I worked at. Right. It was a different bar. No one would hit your mom at the bar that you work at. You take her to the bar next door. Yeah, you do that. Yeah, don't do that. He's like, guys, I'm going to take my 15-minute shrimp

po-boy break. Yes, a shrimp po-boy and a cigarette would be phenomenal. Thanks. Hell yeah. You ever put your cigarette on a po-boy and do them both at the same time? No.

You ever put a? It's a Louisiana slammer. In Louisiana, a fun fact is they have patches for that. If you go too long without a po-boy, you just put them up. A po-boy patch? I need a po-boy patch. You do?

I put on a gumbo patch and take a hot bath. It rushes in. A po-boy and a daiquiri would be phenomenal. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Wait, Ryan, I've never heard you laugh like that in the history of the show. What'd you like about all that interaction?

He was thinking about po-boys and daiquiris. Was it the? It was what? Oh, you liked it? So many Louisiana references. So much Louisiana references. You like Louisiana hot sauce? Yeah, Tabasco.

What else do you miss? I miss, like I said, I miss the culture. I miss my friends. You ever go to the Tabasco factory? No. His favorite singer, Praline Dion. Praline Dion. I was going to play my heart.

No. Yeah, but pretty much just the people. That's pretty much what I miss the most. That's it. They have good hearts down there. Yeah, they do. And they do here too. But I mean, just down there, it's a little different.

Yeah, I really like it. Down there, it is a little different. It is. But it is what it is. Down there, it's a little bit different down there. Hey, down there. Down there in Louisiana, you know, from the Big A'sy. Welcome to Louisiana.

Good day, mate. This is what Louisiana's like. We got boomerangs and kangaroos. Have you ever been to Badminton Street before? Yeah. All right. This is super inside. Badminton Street, yeah.

Oh, go ahead, Joel. This is super inside. I always love it when you start a reference, but this is super inside. But go ahead. I'm letting you inside my mind for a second. When you were ever, like, when a guy had a girl, when he grabbed her in a bar, did you ever say,

you better muff a letter, go? Let it go, muff a lot of it. OK, we'll fuck it. Never mind. All right, we're going to edit that part. Wow, this crowd is fucking awesome. I love it here. Good thing.

Muff a lot of the shitty sandwich. I enjoyed it, mother. Thank you. Thank you, my girl. I thought it was great, personally. You guys have definitely traveled down the road and back again. Damn, back again.

That's it, bro. Nate Welch, so much fun. Such a great talk, so entertaining. Thank you so much. There goes Nate Welch. There he goes. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Gucci sits on a lie and pay my rent,

because all of my money's spent, but it can still fly. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It is that time of the night, ladies and gentlemen, where we bring up our regular Mick Schmaggular. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, a force of absolute nature. Every single episode, including the Send-in Video Quarantine episodes, this guy always takes things to another level. Fresh off of having boiling water poured on him

in a Rambo monologue battle. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Michael Lair, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. Being disabled, you sit on your balls a lot. All men do, sometimes. But being disabled, you do all the time.

When a man sits on his balls, he can quickly move off his balls. But when you're disabled, the word quick is no longer in your vocabulary. So you stay sound on your fucking balls like some Game of Thrones shit. If you have a pussy, you have no idea what I'm talking about. Sitting on your balls is like giving birth. I have caught my penis in my zipper.

I burned it with cigarettes, not because I'm disabled, because that's what the men pay me for. Then mower cash up, comedy, $69, $5. Oh, shit. There he goes. When you hear that fuck with him, you know his set is over. Fuck, yeah. Have you ever sat on your balls before?

Yeah, absolutely. Luckily, you have long balls. You've talked about this before. Yes, I have. But luckily, thanks to the great people over at Sheath underwear, my balls stay closely tucked into my body. But back then, back when I was a kid, in high school and shit, I used to wear boxers like William Montgomery,

like a guy that doesn't give a fuck or understand how gravity works, like a real fucking stagats over there, like a real fucking gagoutes, like a real fucking discrazia. I wear a boxer. Fafangula. Thanks. OK.

Sometimes I yell at William in Italian. It's a thing that I do. Welcome to the show, Michael Lair. Unbelievable set. I fucking love you. I love that you're rocking the new Hingecliff Hulkamania montage shirt. Oh, this old thing.

Yeah, that's fucking sweet, dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Yeah, man. Welcome, welcome. Very, very fun set. Thank you. My favorite part was when you said the word vocabulary.

Yeah, it's like a collection of words if you have cocks in the mouth. I like you, man. I like that you're, this is the first time I've ever seen you. I liked your aggression. You were really intense. You were like, oh, I'm dying, so I'm real mad. They should call you Slow Rogan.

Oh, yeah. Michael Lair could kill you after this. But you can suck my fucking dick. No, no, no. Come on, come on. That's a compliment, Slow Rogan. I'm sorry. He meant it in a good way.

I'm sorry, Tony. I don't know all the rules. No, it's good. It's good, dude. It's like, you know, Michael's cool. And everybody's cool. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, my goodness gracious.

Michael Lair, you have an earring for the first time tonight. Is that a real earring? Is your ear pierced? Or is that just a piece of your wheelchair hanging off your head? It's pierced. I got a piercing seven grain at the Queen's Center Mall.

Oh, I was going to ask you a question. And I put it in again. Because I'm all Hollywood and shit. And I'm looking good. I'm right this way and coming in front of nothing. You have a hat that is representing downtown Los Angeles, a place rarely traveled by almost everybody that lives in this city.

Except, baby, you got a wheelchair. We all hang out down there. Why do you why do why do why do wheelchair people congregate in downtown Los Angeles? Is there like a magnet down there that just pulls you guys towards it? Yeah, it's a magnet to a crack pipe, you idiot. Whoa, I'm the idiot?

Yeah, I smoke crack because I'm melting. Do you do you smoke crack sometimes? No, but I am going to experiment with more drugs as I get my last licks in. What drugs are you looking forward to trying? Thank you. Oh, trying now. I don't try shit.

I do shit, motherfuckers. All right. Hey, oh, I went to the doctor this week. I go to see their son. Every doctor who comes in the room, they ask me, do you have a commode? I'm like, I'm not leaving. Hold on, a commode?

Yeah, like a tushy. Oh, like a bidet? Like the thing you sell. Yeah, a tushy, like the thing that sprays water in your asshole. Isn't that a commode? No, a commode is a toilet. It's a toilet. A bidet is the thing that sprays water up your ass.

Oh, my god, my routine. Hey, I want to say, Jesse. The good news is I saved you before you got to the punchline there. I cut you off, so now we can reset it. They ask you if you have a commode. And the fact that if this is true, the doctor's probably like, wow, he

doesn't even have a toilet at his house. And why is he so defensive when we ask him? He might not even have ALS. He might just be filled with shit. Yeah. He's full of shit, this guy. I go in public. I'm like a high beast.

I don't have a crack full of shit. How do you know? Because I'm really vain, more than six. That's the bottom. That's the bottom. I'm three weeks in there, and these motherfuckers are talking. Are you fucking kidding me? Well, it's David Lucas, man.

You know, it's just. You've got to be kidding me. It's in the movie theater, motherfucker. That is true. It's not a movie. But you have to understand, black people don't have movie theaters that they can go to and talk in the back over right now.

You're right. I'm sorry. So they have to get it in where they can. Sometimes they come to the main room and just get it out of their systems. That's quite the commode. I mean, segue. Hey, my son, it takes the joy of life

to get a compliment out of him. And they gave me one. Compliment? Yeah. OK. What do you want? Come omelet. I thought you said you couldn't get a compliment.

Right. Or a condiment. I can get my son to come. No, I'm kidding. You can't get your son. No, I can't. You can't get a compliment out of your son. Yeah, right.

And they gave me one. And I want their show in red and white. OK. Whoa. He said, that was cool. Come home. Come home, son. Come home.

I won't try to wrestle you anymore. Come home. Is the camera on, Michael? Or is it still set for someone that's standing up? OK, just making sure. That would really suck at this whole time. It was just old Charlie Chaplin back there. Wow.

It only is speed like I had bad luck. Oh, come on, Michael. You don't have bad luck. Bad luck does not exist for someone that buys the brand new Hinchcliff Hulkamania T-shirt. Oh, it's so cool. Click on the merch bar on the side and buy yourself one. It's really comfortable.

I get the extra salt. It is really, really comfortable. And it's absolutely incredible. There's other things you could do with it. You could use it as a pillowcase if you want. You can have a little mini tent if you have any small children. You could just put some tent poles around it. You could do anything with it, really.

You could use it for anything. You could change oil if you don't like me. You could dip it in chocolate syrup. Wipe all the com that's dripping out of your gay ass. Wow. Look at that. That's what you use it for? Come on, Lut.

No, I wouldn't buy that shirt. Why? Because it doesn't have a cat on it or something? No. It doesn't have cat ears. I wouldn't want your name on my chest. My name Brian, why are you so fucking mad? I'm wearing it.

Ah, I'm not mad at that. No, you're obviously mad. No, I feel it. No, you have a problem with my compiling. No, you definitely don't. I think Michael might be right about this. You know what? I have a problem with something else about you.

Oh, my goodness. Tell him. Why aren't you wearing any of the shit I gave you? Whoa. Brian, one, you drink too much and don't remember. You did not give me any of you. No, I asked. Oh, that's right.

Well, for the small price of $30, he will give you a death squad shirt. I wanted to apply for a civilian one. I told you. I thought I gave you one when you came to the studio. No. All right, this is enough of this. Michael, another amazing performance.

We fucking love you. Incredible stuff. You're a fucking legend. MichaelLairComedy.com. So much great merch, so many great videos, so many fun little Easter eggs hidden on his website. Make sure you check it out, follow him on everything. Here comes tonight's drawing from the great Ryan J. E.

Belt. Look at that thing. Look at that. Just incredible. Some flags there. MichaelLair holding flags. And it's like a racing theme. Is that right?

Is that what I'm seeing? I can't really see. I'm looking through the thing. We don't have a screen on the camera right now. It's what? Oh, everybody's fighting. Oh, I like that. That's fun.

Very fitting. The great Josh Shadamayers was here, everybody. Yes, it was so much fun. Thank you, brother. Spotify, the 500 with Josh Shadamayers, so many fun episodes. You just recorded one with Harlan Williams, live at the comedy store.

Yeah, we're doing a couple more here. We've got Tom Marillo coming up. And we have Billy Gibbons doing a ZZ Top Record. Oh my god. Yeah, it's going to be dope. That's fucking incredible. Yeah, it's going to be dope. Awesome stuff.

I love it. And hopefully, we'll be back to doing the comedy jam again soon. Get me up there to do some fucking. Dude, in the hall of fame of the goddamn comedy jam, no one has elicited more of a response than you at Skankfest two years in a row. This quarantine has me all pent up with energies.

And I have some special plans for this next one. So we'll talk about it when we cross that bridge. But I'm going to fucking, I'm not going to have a voice. Spoiler alert. I'm not going to have a voice by the end of the song. Speaking of goddamn comedy jam, another one of the great members of it and elite forces with almost every great Los Angeles comedy show.

It's the great Jeremiah Watkins. That was Dorothy the whole time, believe it or not. I know a lot of you are thinking, wow, is that the real B Arthur? Nope. It's Jeremiah Watkins. He's got a brand new rap music video out there, Griffin. That's available on social media.

I'm also a headlining in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the end of the month. You can come see me there at ACME. And I'm Venmo at Jeremiah-Watkins and look out for new episodes of Jeremiah Wonders on my YouTube, youtube.com. Jeremiah Watkins at Jeremiah. Stand up on social media.

There you go. And where can people get their reimbursement for the tickets that they're going to buy for that live show that's going to inevitably be canceled? They've actually been doing shows there every single week. Whoa, you're going to do it? You already have your airplane tickets? I already bought and paid for it.

Fingers crossed for you, my friend. Going to Minneapolis, the birthplace of Prince. Yeah, Adam Ray just did it, and he said the shows were good. Oh, awesome. I love it. What are they doing, like 50% capacity? I think so, 35% of 50%. So maybe it'll be the first time I sell out.

Beat you to it. Hello. Set up? Oh, sell out. Yeah. Well, that's good. At least it's not 2% like the milk that you pour on your cereal.

Whole milk, honey. Oh, shit. Speaking of whole milk, the great rose was here. That was Jetsky Jesse Johnson, everybody. She's at Jetsky Johnson on everything social media. What else, Jetsky? Follow me on social media. Heck yeah, follower.

Go look at it at squink. Squink, that's right. I always want to say squeegee, but it's not squeegee. Squink. Hey, Blanche. Oh, that's not Blanche. Hold on. That's Chroma Chris.

Wait a second. Oh, the whole time, it was me. What did you think about tonight's episode? Oh, it was golden, Tony. I knew it. I always know what you're going to say. It's so crazy. I love it.

Chroma Chris is at Chroma Chris on all social media. Correct. And Venmo. Oh, is at Chroma Chris on Venmo? Good to know. That's a new thing. And then, believe it or not, that wasn't Sophia. That wasn't ET dressed like a woman.

That was Joel Berg Joel Jimenez the whole time, everyone. Yeah. What's going on, Joel? Oh, I'm at Mostly Sorry on Instagram. That's it. I put everything there. There it is. He also has a podcast called Mostly Sorry,

which you should definitely subscribe to and check out sometime. Yeah, TonyHinchCliff.com has a bunch of fun stuff happening, including my Roast University happening. Business is booming over there. A lot of fun episodes of that. And yeah, a bunch of new merch, a ton of new merch at TonyHinchCliff.com.

So yeah, there you go. That's it. Michael Layers is doing it, so why shouldn't you? Check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. Mitch was on it a few weeks ago, and that was a lot of fun. And we also have Brothers in Curse with William and David and Lupo, if you guys like e-bikes as much as Tony does. Check that out all at desksquad.tv.

There you go, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you. Thanks for watching. I'll see you guys next time. Bye.