KILL TONY - KT #469 – QUARANTINED #24

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Jamar Neighbors, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—PLUSH CARE – Start your FREE 30-day trial! Got to PLUSHCARE.COM/TONY to receive a free 30-day trial!

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Comedy Live from the Road to Famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliff. Hello, everybody. We're here. Another episode of Kill Tony Live from the Comedy Store. Welcome, Brian. Good to be here. We're both wearing black hoodies. Good. Good to be here at the World Famous Comedy Store, live on the sunset strip. Speaking of strip, the great Ryan J. Ebelt is here. This guy knows how to strip down a piece of paper and turn it into an amazing piece of art. He draws every single episode.

He's drawing tonight's episode. All those prints are available at RyanJEbelt.com. Follow him on social media. He's also been doing auctions, things like that. Incredible stuff as of late. Every tour poster, every episode of the show, every guest that's ever been on, he's drawn it. RyanJEbelt.com, including the Kill Tony books, a couple Kill Tony shirts, some really cool stuff over there. RyanJEbelt.com. We're at the Comedy Store. Things are happening here. There's one shows out the window, on the patio. Things are happening here. The momentum is once again rebuilding at the store, excited for a big up and coming return here and other big things happening. But you know what? Before we start tonight's episode, let's get a word. You know, you love

the show and the only way to support us is by supporting our amazing sponsors and here's a little bit more about tonight's incredible, lovely sponsors. Things are challenging these days. Seeing a doctor shouldn't be. That's why I use plush care. Plush care provides primary and urgent health care through virtual appointments and scheduling an appointment, even for the same day is really easy. I just pick a slot that works for me and book online so I don't waste time on hold or sitting in crowded waiting rooms. With my plush care membership, I can see my doctor from the comfort of my own home, even in my PJs. I can get diagnosed, treated, and even have a prescription sent to my local pharmacy if needed, all within minutes. And if I have questions before or after

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All plush care doctors graduated from one of the top 50 medical schools in the US and are highly rated by their patients. That gives me peace of mind that I'm getting the highest quality healthcare. Plush care makes it easy for me to get the excellent care I need when I need it. They can do the same for you. Start your membership today. Go to plushcare.com slash Tony to start your free 30 day trial. That's P L U S H C A R E dot com slash Tony for a free 30 day trial. You need to see a doctor do it online. Make it easy plush care.com slash Tony hiring can be difficult. And if you're an employer, you probably experience hiring challenges from time to time. But right now you face even more challenges from rethinking your workplace safety to hiring

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three weeks. Zip Recruiter helped Peter find the right job and they helped Madison find the right person for a hard to fill role fast. And you can see how Zip Recruiter can help you hire. Try it now for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Kiltony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kiltony Zip Recruiter the smartest way to hire. And we're back live on Kiltony. This is very, very exciting. I'm especially excited about tonight's show because we do have a guest. This young man's been on the show many times. This is truly just like me. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. Multiple specials, multiple albums. He's a freak of nature. Another comedian that I started with and I can't wait to hang out with here tonight on the show. Once again, it's the return of the great

Jamar neighbors everybody. Yeah. Absolutely. One of my favorites on the planet Jamar neighbors. Hi guys. Hello Jamar. Thank you for having me back Tony. Indeed. I'm glad you're back. You and I just had fun the other day. We were performing in the window here at the comedy store to the people out on the patio packed patio. We did a little fucking duo. Yeah, we got it in real tough. We were like Neil Brennan and Dave Chappelle at the same time if Neil Brennan was funny. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Neil everybody knows you're hilarious. Everybody knows you. Everyone knows Neil wrote all the good stuff on that show. Anyway, I'm glad you're here. We're going to have so much fun. Hi, Red Band. Hi. How you doing?

You guys were awesome the other night or whenever that was. Thank you, man. I like your microphone, man. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I made for me and Tony. Some My Little Pony shit, man. That's right. Fuck with that dude. That's my punk. Indeed. Indeed. We're going to have fun tonight, Jamar. I'm sure you remember it's been a little while, but you remember there's a band on this show. Right. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be before the show. We never know what songs they're going to play. We don't ever know anything about them. Let's all find out what they are tonight because they are the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Walken, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski,

Jesse Johnson and Chroma Chris. We go. Oh, this is interesting. Whoa. We know these guys. Oh my goodness. They are Rastafarians. Oh my God. This guy just took a hit of a bowl out here. This is incredible. We have the rope snake guy. Very, very famous character in the show's past. How are you rope snake guy? It's Skeeter from the island. Catalina Island. You're from Catalina Island? Yeah, man. That's normally we're very rich. Do you have rich parents? Yeah, man. What do they do? They own banks. Oh, wow. Okay. How'd you end up like this? And they didn't give you a lot of attention as a kid? No, I appropriate other people's culture. Wow. Very interesting. What do you have for breakfast today? French toast crunch. Beautiful, beautiful. And behind you, we have the

former leader of the NAACP. Rachel Dollazow. That's right. How are you, Rachel? No, man. My name is Kelsey with an eye. Wow. You don't even have a Rastafarian accent at all. No, man. I'm just high as fuck. I love it. You're high. How much weed did you smoke today? I don't even know, man. I don't know numbers anymore. Very exciting. And then clearly next to you, there is a white man wearing a Rastafarian hat with a wig attached. No, I also have an accent, man. Oh, wow. What's your name? Name's Rocco. Why? Rocco from the streets, man. Okay. Okay, Rocco. And then here we have another beautiful girl. This is a beautiful, beautiful. What's your name, young lady? The name's Ethan, man. Oh, wow. Oh, Ethan. I'm sorry. And that hit Isaac. It's actually CBD, but don't

tell anybody. I'm trying to be cool, man. Wow. What is CBD stand for? Can't be done. Wow. Very good, Ethan. Can't be done. I'm excited that the Rastafarians are here. We're going to have that drum beat. The old Rastafarian rim shot tonight. I'm sure we're going to hear that a lot. I'm excited. Let's just jump right into it. We have a bucket filled with comedians names. Well, it's not really filled. I mean, let's face it. There is a limited, gently put in very limited amount of entrance tonight. But before we go to the bucket, why don't we get things kicked started with an absolute icon here on Kill Tony, a guy that everybody knows, a guy that everybody loves and also some people hate. But I love him and I refuse to let the naysayers say that he shouldn't be part of the show

any longer. I will always fight for what I believe in and I fight for this man. Ladies and gentlemen, it's known other than the Big Red Machine, the Tennessee Strangler, the king of the koalas, the great William Montgomery. Jamar, they call me the Tennessee Stranglers. First and foremost, for all the fucking haters out there, get a load of the set. This is probably going to be one of my best sets. Not sure if you all saw this, but there was an international mixtape competition held a couple days ago in Beirut. The social distancing has really hurt the clown car industry. I was watching American Pie 2 the other day and apparently there's a deleted scene where they all get AIDS. When the credits roll, the first 24 names are Jewish, director, producer, writer,

hairdresser, dog handler, the dog. What's the difference between Antifa and the Houston Astros? Nothing. They both steal signs and come from a hill hole. Wait, who does? What was that word? The Astros and who? Antifa? Antifa is how it's pronounced. They both steal signs and come from a hill hole. William, what movie were you talking about? Kirby the Lubbock. Okay, and you saw the credits and it had Jewish director, writer, producer, hairstylist, dog handler, and hairdresser, and dog? Dogue. Hairdresser and dog. You mean Dogue. What do you mean Dogue? Yeah, that's the name of the animal. Jamar, do you pronounce it that way? Which one of those jokes was your favorite one? The best one? The what? The best one. What did I think was the best

one? The Beirut one is my guess. I think you're going to go with the Beirut one. What was my favorite joke from that one? You could wait to tell it in this set. Which one? Beirut. Was watching American Pie 2 the other day and apparently there's a deleted scene where they all get AIDS. I was excited about that one. What did you think was going to happen when you said it? I thought they were all going to get sick. When somebody gets AIDS, they get sick. Actually, not really. I know Magic Johnson. Yeah. What do you mean Magic Johnson? Who's Magic Johnson? People throw that name around. He's a basketball. Who is that? He was the first guy. No, seriously. Who's Magic Johnson, Redman? He used to be a basketball player. Now he's a... Now he's what? The face of AIDS. Actually,

Mosquito is the face of AIDS, but he's the second face of AIDS. Tell me about it. Mosquitoes, man. Those things have killed more people than anything else. Like what? Malaria. They carry malaria. What else do they carry? They carry your bags if you're a light traveler. They carry your bags if you're a light traveler. I don't get that one. You want to explain that one? No, shut up. You want to explain that one? Oh, you're very angry tonight. I'm angry tonight. Why are you telling me to shut up? Good vibes only. Oh, Root-a-bye. What'd you say? Oh, Root-a-bye. Root-a-bye. Root-a-bye. Oh, Root-a-bye. Oh, wow. Oh, they call it a red guy. Tony Beirut is actually my favorite baseball player. Beirut. What do you mean? Beirut. Beirut? Do you want to take that again,

you bitch? I'm not lying. I would fuck you up. If you look at the video again after these heirs, there was a mosquito that landed on William while he was talking. I know. I saw that. You saw that? It landed on your beard. That's fucked up, man. What do you mean it landed on my beard? Oh, shit. Hold on. Put your head back. Put your head to the right. Go to the right. You got the right. Wait, go back. Hold on. Stop moving. Do y'all see this shit? William, move slower. It's right next to your eye mums. Oh, God. There it is. There it is. What is that? A mosquito soul. There's something like on the light or something. No, it's mosquito. What do you mean something on the light? Is something wrong with my face? Stay right there. Don't move. Now move a little bit towards

Ryan. Listen to my direction. Move your head a little bit towards Ryan. No, don't look at Ryan. Move your head towards Ryan. Nope. Move your body. My eyes. Let's try this. My body. Move your body towards Ryan. Nope. Not that way. What do you mean? Like go that way. Nope. Watch me. Don't turn. Wait, it's right there. Don't move. Don't move. Yeah. Do you see it? What the fuck is that? Do y'all see that? Damon, do you see that? Nope. William, what did I tell you? Don't move. Stay right there. Put your chin down. Jamar, get my back on this. Jamar, get my back on this. What are they talking about? That mosquito soul. Mosquito soul. Damon, is that in the light? It's like a sailor wet of a mosquito. Fix your lights, you bitch. No, you're not allowed to call staff members

that names. Okay. Well, he tripped me last night. No, it's a bug. He didn't trip you. Yeah, he tripped me last night. Is there a bug on the lights or is that on his head? Yeah, what's going on with the lights up there? Oh, that's hilarious. Who's sweet little voice was that? It's flying in the beams. What bitch just said that? William, you can't just call random. I'm on edge, Tony. I'm sick, man. You know, I'm sick right now. I got 104. Oh, God. I got 104. I'm an asymptomatic character, and I've been kissing people. Yeah, who have you kissed lately? David Deary. He's a known faggot. Oh, my God. William. Look at him. Look at his fingers by his penis. That guy knows what's up. I'm going to be kissing him tonight. No, don't walk that way. All right. Well, William, what's

been going on in your personal life? How's your relationship with the girl that hits you? Uh, last night, honestly, last night, she called me her brother, and I started calling her my older sister. Yeah, what's that noise? Was that supposed to help red man? Cool. That was fun. Jamar, would you agree that's funny? He did that fucking noit. Jamar, what do you think about William? Like, just as a whole? Yeah, as a whole. I don't know. You want to look at my thing? No, like, sometimes he's annoying, but sometimes he's, like, funny. Yep. No, I agree. I think that's exactly right. I think 100% of people would agree with that. Is that it, Jamar? But that's, but that's, but that came from. Is that really

what you're going to say? It is so bizarre. I told you that shit every time I see you. I know, and I hear it. Yeah. So then hear it. And we're in quarantine. Oh my God. What do you do like when you're normal? I am skating around the Eastgate shopping mall in Memphis. I love that. I love that peanut butter color t-shirt you're wearing. It's so in style. It's more of a burnt orange. A lot of people wearing pumpkin pie this time of the year. Pumpkin pie. What did you call it? A peanut butter color? It's more of a like. Did you really call it that? Yeah, I did piece of shit. Would you agree with that, Jamar? What would you call this one? Rusted orange. Pumpkin pie. Orange juice left out for a week. Pumpkin old spice. Flint Michigan water. Flint Michigan water.

Why are y'all all teaming up against me tonight? It looks like you just lost on the floor is lava. Yeah. Why are y'all teaming up against me? It looks like a beautiful shirt, man. What's going on here? Why is this happening? Look at how weak his knees look. Yeah, you do. Have you suffered serious knees? What do you mean? I have strong knees. Your knees look like little bitches. Look at them. You're getting roasted by the Lance Armstrong. What do yours look like? One's broken and it still looks better than those. Well, your Oriental girlfriend, when she was sucking your dick in the glorial, her knees look good. We're not going to go down this road again. Your girlfriend looks Oriental because she's crying all the time. Perfect. Thanks.

Why did that kid that was boss? Redman, what happened there? Lit William up. Damn, Red. You just got lit the spot. Why'd you do that to me, Redman? Damn, Red. Why'd you do that to me? Oh, my God. Jamar, I've been thinking about holding the microphone this way. Do you like it? All right. There goes William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. Another solid week with William. One love. Let's get together and feel all right. All right. The show has begun. William has begun it. It has been begun and he is begun. William. I love you, William. Montgomery. Sometimes. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Yeah, exactly. It's a love, a love hate. He actually called me the other night and kept me on the phone for about 30 minutes. If you're wondering how many people

call me just out of the blue, I believe it was about 1130 at night. Why would you answer that? I don't know. Sometimes I get a call from someone like that and I'm like, okay, well, maybe they're about to kill themselves. And if so, I'm going to. Again, why wouldn't you? I'm going to save them if the off chance that they're going to kill themselves. You think William will kill herself? No, just his liver. No, I don't think so. But I also think that maybe he needed to get bailed out of prison. There's a lot of things. He's got a wild. He's a real rock star. Like what you see with William is what you get. And he's an accidental overdose candidate for sure. 30 minutes highs and lows in the conversation. He's making me laugh a lot. I'm infuriated at

some points, explaining to him some rules at the comedy store that he's been breaking lately. Other times he's cracking me up. I mean, extreme highs and lows in this phone call. I can't stand being on the phone, especially at 1130 at night. It ended up not being a suicide call at all or a jail bailout. He was asking me if when things if when things open up again, if he can open for me on the road was the was the bread and butter of this conversation. And did you go? Oh, hell no. Well, what was your answer? That's exactly what I sound like. Oh, hell no. Can you call me one time at 1130 at night, William? Oh boy, he's asking for the number. I'll give it to you after the show, man. We'll see if you. Yeah. But you want to do my apartment show?

All right. There you go. Got it. You booked. There you go. See, that's that's that's me getting you a gig. That's going to hold you over for the years until you open up for me. You're welcome. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This should be exciting. I believe this young man's been on the show before. Make some noise for Brandon beater stats, everybody. Here we go. Brandon beater stat. What's up, everybody? So I was at the grocery store earlier today and I was buying condoms and I noticed that there were some sheepskin condoms. I started thinking the guy who invented sheepskin condoms might have been a pervert. Like what was that business meeting like? Oh, latex. It's not going well. People are complaining. It doesn't feel good. Does anyone have any ideas?

Well, sheepskin feels pretty fucking good. Hey, Bill, I got to ask how the do you know that? So I've been pretty into this Black Lives Matter thing. I'm learning a lot. I think mainly I've learned that white people suck. Here's just a couple reasons that what I think white people suck. White people suck because they put more effort into contacting aliens than learning Spanish. Do you know how many white dudes speak Klingon? That's a made up language to speak to only other white dudes. White people suck because they get more mad when you misgender their dog than a trans person. He's a good boy. Apologize to Cooper. Hey, every little thing is going to be all right. Welcome to the show, Brandon Beter Stat.

Thank you. Where are you originally from? I'm from a small town in Iowa. In Iowa. What's the name of the small town? Newton, Iowa. Newton, Iowa. How long have you lived in Los Angeles? Five years. How far east of La Brea do you live? Very far east. I'm right in Chinatown, as you would expect. So that's about 15, 20 minutes east of La Brea for those of you that don't know your Los Angeles landscape. I could tell because that's what someone that would write a joke about learning a lot from Black Lives Matter would be from. That's exactly where they would be. People between La Brea and La Cienega would not... Is that street change now? Like recently it seems like it's kind of down the street. Comedy store legend. I just want to wave to him and say hello. The great Argus

Hamilton popping his head through the door. Hello, sir. Good to see you. We're doing an episode of Kiltony here. Argus is a legend. Record holder for most appearances all time on The Tonight Show as a comedian and a great, great uncle to us all here. And wearing Steve Martin's jacket. That is awesome. He is a rock star. It's not dirty, no nothing. He ain't spilling a spaghetti sauce on it. Nope. He keeps it clean. Thank you so much, Argus. I love it. Just performed through the glass. I love it. We're doing it. Hey, whatever it takes for us to... It's crazy, right? I know. That's why I've just been blowing dudes to get by for money. We love you, Argus. Thank you. Follow him on social media. Some say that jacket's actually

black and that's just a bunch of cocaine. Okay, red band. This is going well. What's his name? Beater snap? Beater stat. Beater, oh. What'd you say about why people be doing what? White people put more effort into contacting aliens than learning Spanish. And is that, is that because you do these things and then so, like, does that go for you too? Oh, that's a great point. I am a white person. Do you put more effort in contacting aliens? Actually, and I don't believe in aliens. So I am an observant of my fellow whites. Oh, so you're just criticizing what very few white people do and making... Oh, bullshit. There are plenty of whites that are obsessed with aliens.

Tony, I thought you was being real. I've actually, I've heard that too. Red band, if you're gonna burp, please, like, just don't turn your head in my direction and burp. Like, it's, like, very bizarre to do that. There's all of that way. And really just, like, burping. I didn't burp out yet. Like, you're at home. I think it's a difference to, like, we're in Los Angeles, so there are white people who speak Spanish here. But I'm from Iowa, where there's two dudes who speak Spanish and not well. And I'm one of them. You should always wear a silver jacket. That's exactly what I was going to say. It's so funny you mentioned that.

I thought those were gonna be the next words out of my mouth. I picture a silver jacket and you just fucking slaughter. Have you thought about this at all? No, but I will never perform again without one. What's your sex life like? I haven't been laid in almost a year, but this weekend I'm gonna get laid a bunch. How do you know that? I'm going to, like, a quarantine fuckshack thing. Where is this at?

It's, you're not invited. I thought you said Black Lives Matter two seconds ago. What the fuck? I have only white people allowed. You don't want him to ruin all that pussy before you have it? I have more to learn, I guess. Tell us about this fuckshack, Brandon. Oh, it's starting with the address. On Airbnb, if you guys want the link to it later, it's, I believe, $130 a night.

It's one of the better fuckshacks in Victorville, which is close to Big Bear, but not in Big Bear. Hold on. Hold on. This is weird. This is real shit. I've actually heard this from somebody that we all know pretty well that they go to. I want to hear more about this. Let's hear more about this. Keep going. Tell us more, Brandon. Have you done this before? It's been a year, dude. No.

It's been a year since you've done an Airbnb fuckshack. No, I used to have regular sex, but now it's kind of one of those things where, like, I had to get tested yesterday to convince this girl to fuck me. Like, it's a different time. So you had to convince a girl who's going to be at the fuckshack? To go to the fuckshack. Well, the fuckshack is a little place where we can fuck together. And the fuckshack baby.

It's the fuckshack baby. Okay, okay, okay. Are there going to be, so you have to convince a girl to go with you to the fuckshack? Are there other bitches at this fuckshack? And why would she make you get tested? You seem like the, you would have negate, like you would cure STDs if you fucked somebody. Oh, I didn't have to get tested for STDs. No.

Oh, would you have to get tested for COVID? Oh, Jesus. That's so dumb. You could totally catch Corona before that. I agree, but you can also cure most STDs in no time. So you have to bring a girl to this fuckshack in order to come. That's why you're asking her. I thought it was like a porn. Like you'd have to get tested for STDs before going to a fuckshack.

No. No, that's not normal. Just like BYOB type shit. It's pretty much like all the massage parlors that used to be fuckshacks during the quarantine have all got together, rented Airbnb's and like. So there's going to be a gang of Asian bitches there. It's going to be one chick. I'm just worried.

What's the ethnicity of the girl that you're interested in having sex with? Well, this one's going to be white. Have you ever been with any other type of woman? I've been with one black chick. Yeah, really? Oh, and a Hispanic chick. Did she rape you or like, how did that happen? Did you romance a black woman?

I cannot picture this for the life of me. She out of any girl I've ever been with is the one who like freaked out the most to find out they have a belly button ring. Like she black chicks aren't down with that. Wait a second. You have a belly button ring. No, I got it pierced when I was like 17. Do you have a tribal tattoo around the bed?

No, that'd be gay. The sun. So is it still pierced? It's actually harder to take out than Keith in. He named it pierced. You got that shit in right now? Yeah. Let me see this shit.

You're trying to be at the fuck shack. You're trying to get me on track. Let me see a dumb belly button ring. Oh, wow. He's starting unbuttoning at the nipples for this. This is very a very high on button. No, there you go. This is by far the fattest I've ever been.

That's OK. We know we can tell through the shirt. What the fuck? Oh, here we go. Oh, my. Oh, my. This nigga got a. This is this nigga.

Look like Shakira. Shakira in the house. Oh, my God. No, no, no. Please leave it on button. This is incredible. And it got hair tangled in it. Oh, my God.

You're so hairy. And that is like a two. For those of you just listening to the podcast, there's like a gem at the bottom and a gem at the top. I'm stunting. It is. Unfucking believable. This thing.

What is it? Well, like what's what's hanging from the isn't it? Here's the thing. The girls won't fuck me if I have a dangly. So this is just a regular old belly button ring. So wait, you've had a dangly before. And they they can hear it like making noise. Oh, because won't fuck me if I have a dangly because my pubes

get so dangly when I'm going down on a girl. I'm going down on a girl. Thank you. Thank you. Skeeter. That shit look like it's think. Yeah, it looks like there's a dream. You're in the middle of it.

It does. Does that still have the price tag on it from forever 21? Ice. I mean, it is so bizarre. Do you do that to be funny? Like, why do you still have that? Why do you do that? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

Is it to be funny? You tie balloons to it? It's not for material. You only do it for the laughs, right? Yeah, yeah. Yep. That's 100%. Does it make you feel good in any way?

I feel less homophobic in a weird way. What? What? Let me wear that shit. How homophobic were you before? Clearly not like that homophobic. You're from a small town in Iowa. No, but that's the best part is like, yeah,

in a small town in Iowa, this is like fucking anarchist. Does your father know? Are you close with your father? He lives in a small town in Iowa, right? My dad knows. He texted me. He's a high school football coach. My dad has given me a conversation multiple times

where it's okay to be gay, even though I'm not. He's just like, if you want to come out, man, I wouldn't even care. Right. No, I would imagine so. What does he do? My dad is a salesman. What, is he really?

Yeah, he's always been a salesman. He switched jobs, but selling shit. He sells belly button piercings. I'd have a nicer one probably. How many different belly button attachments do you have? Seven or eight. Seven or eight. Oh my God, you're like a video game character.

Is that your pretty one? Oh no, my, like I said, the girls don't like the privy ones, but my favorite one. What is that then? I see it sparkling like an engagement ring. They don't sell non-sparkling. You could have a black one in there or something like that. So those of you just joining the show,

this guy has a belly button piercing. For those of you that have been watching the whole time, it's still there. He still has it. How long have you had this for? Nine years. Nine years. Nine years.

Nine. I'm calling the police. Dude. Tony. I'm about to call the police. Croba Chris said that's a lot of cum, Chris. Are you going to wear that belly button ring to the fuck shack? Or are you going to wear your favorite one?

Yeah, she's one of the specific girls who does not like the dangling. And you moved from Iowa five years ago. Yeah. Has your father ever seen your belly button piercing? He saw it the first day. What did he say? He said, do not get another piercing without telling me.

Well, where else could you even get pierced that would be that offensive? His nipples. Obviously, I was done. It was a one and done. I'm not going to escalate. So the only piercing you've ever had in your life was your belly button.

What made you do that? I think it's funny. It was nine years ago. It seemed kind of funny. You didn't do that because it was funny. You thought it was cool. And nine years later, you still think it's funny. Nine years.

It's kind of pretty funny. Yeah. It is kind of funny. It is funny. It's funny as well. I don't think he got as funny. Why is that not enough of a reason? It's like a middle joke, though.

You're fucking comedians. Hey, no. I'm telling you, I think it's funny. I don't pull it out in sets almost ever. Interviews, it comes up more often. Hey, man, look, man. Let me ask you this. What else have you done like that that's funny?

Like, what else have you done? In high school, if people cheered my name, I would eat bugs. What kind of bugs would you eat? The most famous, like, notorious brand-and-bug-eating situation was in front of, like, the whole football crowd. Someone had caught a giant praying mantis, and they all cheered my name. And I ate the whole praying mantis.

You ate the lords' butt. I hadn't even thought about it. That's crazy. But yeah, honestly, like, I know you guys probably think that would make me, like, the loser, but, man, people still talk about that shit, dude. No, I love it. Oh, yeah.

Are you in the yearbook? Yes, actually, I'm in the yearbook. Well, as what? As what? School shoot-up. Wow. Are you praying mantises? So this fuckshack, there's going to be one girl there

that you really want to know. How long have you been communicating with this girl that you're looking forward to having sex with this weekend? She's my ex. So, like, what? How long did you guys date for? A year. How long have you been broken up for?

Almost two. And how long have you been communicating about going to the fuckshack? Three weeks, because we fucked, like, three weeks ago. Oh. I just asked you how long it's been since you had sex and you said a year ago. We had, oh, this doesn't...

There's gonna be lines. It had been a year since that three weeks, and then I convinced a girl to go fuckshack. Where did you fuck her three weeks ago? At my buddy's house. Where in your buddy's house? On their bed. Was your buddy there?

No, no. He was out of town. He said I could stay there to watch his dogs. And, uh... Okay, and you brought a girl over your ex, and you guys had sex. Were the dogs in the room with you? Were the dogs there?

No, actually, I wouldn't let them be in the room. They're big dogs. Were they corn dogs? They were not corn dogs. They about two feet long? German shepherd. Were they breaded on the outside? Okay.

Does Iowa say fair reference? Fair or breaded. So how many people do you think are gonna be at the fuckshack? I think it's gonna be a... It's pronounced shake-shack. Look at him. It's gonna get away. It's gonna be a romantic one-on-one.

So it's just two people. I'm gonna fuck in it, and that's the plan. Are there other people that are going to be there? No. Oh, you were talking about... I didn't use the word orgy. No, you said fuck-shack, and that's a known thing that people have like fuck parties and use Airbnb.

I'm actually... It's a fuck-shack, baby. Yeah, I thought that was more of an innocent song. Play it, please, yeah. Get your belly button pierced at the fuck-shack. All right. I can put it away now, right? No, leave it out forever.

For the rest of the night, even in your Uber ride home, you have to have your shirt up like that. So I can't believe you said fuck-shack. You didn't just say, we're renting an Airbnb. I'm planning to fuck her. Yeah, you're not cool. No, no, I have a belly button. I thought he was a butt hole.

No. It's not even... It's not a fuck-shack. I don't even think you have the entire place on Airbnb. There's probably gonna... I feel like you probably budgeted it out. You're like, one room available. Shared.

Shared bathroom. No dogs, cats, belly button piercings. The host said that she would be there for check-in only. Oh, my goodness. Oh, well, this has been so much fun. We spent way too much time with you. In seven years, over 2,000 people pulled out of this bucket. You are the first male with the belly button piercing,

and we squeezed all we could out of you. Brandon Beater stat, everybody. There he goes. Holy shit. Holy shit. Incredible. My mind is blown. Josh, have you ever seen anything like that in your whole life?

It's a real Harry belly button pierced. Tyree's had one. Really? Yeah. Yeah, but he can fuck it. Cisco probably had one, too. Oh, yeah, Cisco had one, too. Guys that can pour water on themselves

and be attractive to women can get away with it. Yeah, but... But Brandon Beater stat, doesn't it? He was literally a vacuum. I don't know what that means. What a belly button. I'll tell you this next comedian definitely does not have his belly button pierced.

I can pretty much get damn well guarantee that. This guy is a tough guy. He's a tough cookie. He's a roast god. He's a great joke writer, great comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, it's David Lucas. They see me rolling. It's David.

That's David's music. It's Luke. Yeah. I think eating as is for guys that need a place to live. But due to boredom, my girl convinced me to eat her ass during quarantine. It was cool. The shit was like licking on a kneecap.

Booty holes and kneecaps got the same type of skin. But while I was eating her ass, can you believe that this bitch farted four years down the drain over a pooped? And that bitch had been eating Mexican food earlier. And Mexican food earlier felt like I got pepper spray. That shit was spicy as fuck. Like, bitch, I've been pepper sprayed,

and pepper spray was better. Black people stopped being valuable to white people after Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. After they made something that could pick cotton faster than us, they had no more need for us. Hey. The red machine. Yeah.

There you go. Eating ass during the quarantine. You didn't like that red? I'll be the white person. Did you really eat this girl's ass? Like, you don't like eating ass? No, they got to eat no ass. There was an ass and a fart in this 60 seconds.

So we're going to let our correspondent red band take over here. Oh, two fart noises. Whoa. Two farts, brah. The cardinal, the cardinals, the fartinals. You don't like eating ass? Nah, brah, that shit. You like eating pussy?

Only time I've ate ass is by accident, because the ass is only an inch away from the bottom of the pussy. I mean, that's not how it works. That's the only time when I've been drunk and I'm eating pussy wildly in my tongue. David accidentally eats anything that's an inch away from anything. I mean, her pussy's not like a little hole.

It's like this thing you have to kind of open up and get in there. How'd you? Whatever. Some bitches got out or like, some of these pussies are inverted and some of them out. Some of them are hangers. Some of them are bangers. That's what I always say.

I'm scared of big clits. Yeah, why are you scared of them? Because I don't know that he used to be a nigga. You know what I'm saying? Wait, say that again? Because I'd be having like strange feelings in my head like, did this bitch get a dick cut off and get her shit tucked? Whoa, you're that afraid of being with someone

that used to have a dick? Big clit. Big clit's one of my favorite rappers. I mean, if I fuck a trans, what do you call it? Transgender. Trans, no. Transformer, yeah. Trans, what do you call it?

Just trans. Let's just leave it as trans. You had it at trans. No need to add anything more. If I fuck a trans, I want it to be known up front, not me discovered when I put your hands down. Exactly, Joy. Right.

So what would happen? What do you think would happen if you were with a woman and let's say she's like, fuck me and you walk in and she says that and she's already bent over and you fuck her and then like, you're like, all right, I want to see you and you flip her over and there's just a giant cock and balls there. So what would happen then?

Yeah, I get charged with a hate crime. For real? What do you think you would do? Your first move is just a punch? No, I probably fucking slam that bitch head in a sink. Seriously? Like if you came and then you found out. If I came, I would be very mad.

Really? Hell yeah. So you'd be more mad if you came than if you didn't come? Especially if the pussy was good. What if, OK, let me ask you this. Hold on, hold on, everybody. I can't believe you made me come. Hold on, hold on.

It's not, it's not. Let me ask you this, let me ask you this. So let's say you fuck this girl, right? Or whatever, right? And you have sex and you come on, say, her back, right? Yeah. And then, but she like doesn't even roll over, right? And you're just sort of hanging in

and then you get excited again. Maybe she says something, right, that turns you on and you start fucking her again, right? And then let's say you come again, right? You pull out, shoot on her back again, right? You lay down for a bit and you can't even believe it. But 15 minutes later, you get hard again. You start fucking her again.

You come again. Would you be more mad coming three times, coming once? Coming twice. Or coming twice. When does it become like, you know what? I fell in love with you on that third time. I don't feel like that would happen to me, but let's say hypothetically.

Oh, I think it would. You tricked me, you dick, Vick said, brah, brah, brah. So the thing is, if I'm a fucking girl and she got a dick, that means I don't know her because I'm going to definitely use a condom. But if I know a girl like 24 hours, I don't use condoms, brah. Wait, 24 hours is the limit?

Yeah, because I asked a lot of questions. 24 hours and you're like, all right, you passed the questionnaire. Yeah. Condoms are out the window. Yeah. How do you ask a... Well, let me, hold on.

I'm sorry to cut you off. What if you haven't known her for 24 hours? She hasn't made it through the questionnaire, right? And you're like, oh, I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to put this condom on. And she's like, all right, give me one too. Do you, do you? Do you, do you do?

Do you. Would you stop there or would you just pretend like you didn't hear that? I'm going to stop and DDT that bitch. DDT! Oh my God. That's, that's a good, that's crazy, about that move is that they end up with their...

Doggy dick duck that bitch. You're not going to accept that. You're going to say dunk that dick? What are you doing? Red man. What's DTD? DTD. Yeah.

DTD is what you do. Perhaps have you thought about this? Have you thought about... Roasted. I know. I don't even know what it is still. He's just saying gibberish now and going, boom, boom, boom, got it.

A DDT is a wrestling move. Yeah. It's a, it's a fucking... Brian, you ask more questions about world famous things than anybody I know. I mean, if, if six year olds were here, they would tell me, but... Question for David.

Literally everyone here knows what a DDT is. Ran back and tell you how long you take the boy Uda and noodles. Three minutes. Question. Okay. So have you ever thought about perhaps, you know, coming up with your own ways of saving your pride

in this situation? Perhaps you have sex with a woman who turns out to be a man. She tells you that she's a man, right? After you have sex with her and you be like, well, there's something I didn't tell you. I'm blind and deaf. So I didn't hear or see any of that.

And I came. Shit. I will say this, bro. I will say this about three years ago. Or three or four years ago when I first got on all deaf digital, a tranny did hit me up. But the bit was so bad. I didn't know she was a tranny.

And she worked for the airline. So we almost literally like hooked up. Holy shit. But it was like two weeks before she was about to get my ticket. And she's like, I gotta tell you something. I was born a man. Oh.

Damn. Oh. Fuck. What airline? Transcontinental? I think the bit worked on Alaska. Oriental Air. Never mind.

If I, what would you guys do if you fucked a girl and then afterwards you came and everything she said, like, hey, I used to be a guy. What would you guys do? Like, I would probably be like, oh, you got me one. Call her the next day. Redbeard's got to order Uber Eats.

Hey, you want some noodles or rice? You're gonna still talk to the bitch. Order Uber Eats, Postmates, Door Dash. You can order it all. All right, Redbeard. Get this one. So you're asking if a girl was like, I used to be a guy. If you came, if you fucked her and then you came

and then she said afterwards, what would you guys do? I'd be like, I would cry and then I would call myself a fag. For like, for like, it'd be like a, I feel like the rest of my year or life. I'd probably become celibate on some real shit. I'll cry, I'll tell my family. Yeah, you totally stop having sex. Yeah, you wouldn't fuck something three days later.

You're right. Once those balls reach maximum level, you'd be hitting her up again. Yeah, like, hey, can we do that again? But this time, don't tell me about the part where you used to be a guy. Bro, that shit was sucked. Like, if you literally buy guns, be bygones.

If you fuck a trans, transit, how do you call it? It's Jen. Oh my god. No, this is like the movie sequel to arachnophobia, transphobia. I'd be like, I'd be like, that was great. You want to go to the fuck shack tomorrow? If you fuck a trans and a pussy, be good.

That, I'm gonna have, that shit would like turn me into an alcoholic. I'm gonna have so many questions. Like, have I been doing this shit all my whole life? Right. And you gotta worry about getting the bitch pregnant. Like nigga, that is almost a W. Nope.

Well, I don't feel like it is, dawg. I don't feel like it is at all. Can trans pussy get SEDs? That mean that a nigga just fucked the shit out of you. How you feel about that? Well, no, I don't think anybody's getting fucked. I'm pretty sure you know that they used to be a man if they fuck you.

If they throw a dick in your ass, I'm pretty sure. Why is your pussy in my butt hole right now? And why are you wearing my Jordans? Missed those are my shoes. Hell yeah, bro. That's why I be scared of women with big hands and big feet. For real? You, but yeah, don't ask me sex.

Ask me shoe size. Yeah, you know. Let me see them knuckles, bitch. Damn. Is that how it works? Yeah, I got to own Russell a bitch. If she beat me over the top became over the bottom. I always used to look at Adam's apples because I thought that was a thing,

but that's old school, bro. But Rabin started looking at candy apples. And you bought them. And ate them. Is that a... Oh my God. Oh my God. And...

What a fool. Roast it. Rabin, you bought them. It ain't... Roasted chicken. Oh my God. Well, this has been a lot of fun. Hell yeah.

You just had a nigga with a belly button ring. Yeah. God damn. He looked like somebody I picked on in high school, bro. Really? If a nigga ate a bug, I would be like, hey, bro, come on, let me bring him in the locker room and beat his ass. Why would you beat his ass?

That's hilarious. He's not even a trans person. Because that's what kids need nowadays. They need to get bullied a little bit and they'll be a little tougher. No, you need to film him eat that bug, put on YouTube and make some money, man. Yeah. All right.

David. Get the money, Dave. Fun, very fun interview. I love this. Thank you so much. The great David Lucas, everybody. David Lucas, funny on social media. Make sure you're following him.

Great videos. Great jokes. Dang, stared it up. We want to tell you about our newest sponsor, SK Kratom. Now, if you're over the age of 18 and not familiar with Kratom, listen up. Kratom is natural. It is the leaf of a tropical evergreen tree,

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Oh, wow, this young lady has been on the show numerous times. It's been a very long time. She's a writer. She's an employee at the comedy store. It's been a very long time since she's been on. We're excited to have her back. Here she is, everybody.

It's Joy Eileen. Here we go. Joy Eileen. Here's Joy Eileen, everybody. So my mom just told me that she doesn't trust magicians because they lie. She also told me she doesn't like bisexual people because they can't make up their mind.

And this is from a lady who cannot decide if she wants tacos or hot dogs for dinner. I signed up for a Zoom workout class, but I told the lady that my camera was broken. So then I just watched her workout and eat chips. I can't watch my 600-pound life because I get saucy and think I'm hot. I cannot wait till thrift stores open again

because everybody's been cleaning out their closets and dying. Let's see. I don't eat eight. Oh, fuck that one. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Very fun.

There you go. There you go. That's the fucking Lily. That's where that went in. Yeah. Okay. There you go. There you go.

Very good. Thank you. Skeeter. Okay. Joy Eileen is back on the show. Fun stuff there. Magicians, bisexuals. Your mom's like that.

Yeah, she is. How old is she? She is 67. Where does she live? Madeira. Fresno. Fresno. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Okay. That's where I went to college. That's north of Los Angeles by about what? Four hours, five hours? Three hours. Three hours. Yeah.

That's fun. And that's where you were raised? Yes. I actually went to Fresno State. A lot of windmills up there? No. No. No.

All right. What's Fresno known for? Math. Yes, lots of math. Bulldogs. Yeah, well, yeah, bulldogs. But yeah. Shark the shark.

Shark the shark. He was a basketball coach. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Tarkeesian. Yeah, he threw shit. Yeah. Yeah, he got really mad at me once because I asked one of those basketball players

to break into my car. Why? Because I locked my keys in my car and I was like, hey, you look like you could break into cars and he told me not to talk to his players like that. Was it a black guy? Yeah.

You look like you break into cars. Yeah. Jamar, what do you think about this? You're a senior black guy correspondent. No. If a white woman asked you to break into her car, what would you do? You break into it for me.

I'd be like, what do I get? Yeah. Yeah, I love that pick up on that. Oh, I love that pick pussy. I too, much like you talked about, I too love watching my 600-pound life. I mean, that is my thing. The 1,000-pound sisters.

Have you seen this show? No. Unfucking believable. Unbelievable. When the quarantine started, I got down on this. 1,000-pound sisters. Just unbelievably grotesque human beings.

Jeremiah, I see you nodding along here. They call each other fat and then the other one looks at him and says, bitch, you're not the prize. Right. Exactly. I mean, these two women are just humongous, humongous white women.

Jamar, your thoughts about this. You're a senior black correspondent. These are 2,000-pound white hoes. Yeah. And they just in the crib all day naked. Well, not naked. Oh. But very easy access.

Oh. I mean, clothes-wise. Getting the ladies for a living. Nothing. But they get money somehow? Yeah, from the government. Yeah. One of them can't get out of bed until she's had,

I believe, three cans of soda. She's so, she's so addicted to soda that she has to literally drink it to get out of bed. What's the soda, do you know? Are they white? I think it's just regular Pepsi or Coca-Cola. Are they thick or fat?

They are both. Oh. They are. I'll fuck the thick part. Yes. Yes, Jamar. She's a 1,000-pound thick woman. A perfect big booty, two giant boobs

you got to hear. Perfect frame. How tall is she? Nine feet tall. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's going to try. They don't necessarily get much working out in.

The only working out that they do on 1,000-pound sisters or my 600-pound life is e-bikes. E-bikes? What is that? It's an electric bicycle. I'm just kidding. Oh, that's funny. It's a running joke.

That joke's super-lasting. It's super what? Super hilarious the first time and the last five, six, seven, eight weeks. Yeah. Oh, it's great. It's going to be funny for eternity. The E in E-bikes stands for eternally funny.

E-bikes is funny. Tom and Christina just talked about it last week. Yeah, because they like electronic bike salsa. It's just a bicycle with a battery. How many pounds are these girls lost? None. Their show is not about losing weight. Sometimes they'll try to lose weight

and it's very easy for them to lose weight. They basically have to do nothing except stop eating pies. Oh. Just if they like take a break from eating pies, literally eating pies. If they take just a few days off of eating pies, they lose like 30 pounds

because their body is so used to just pies and so much other shit. I've ordered these girls. I would guess probably like 30s in their 30s. They're not dead. No, they're close. They got diabetes. One of them's closer than the other.

The one that's and one has a forehead that protrudes out and the other one has two eyes that look opposite. Which one would you have to choose? Well, I mean, you know, that forehead is pretty intriguing. And the pie, you know what I mean? You get to roll over, eat some pie, have a can. I always wondered like if you like how they clean themselves, but like if they ever like lifted a tit up,

if they're just mushrooms and shit growing under there. Do they have kids? Oh, you just made Skeeter sick to his stomach, man. They've got kids and shit. Boyfriends because they do have a boyfriend. There's one creepy guy that's sort of like a guy. He just yeah. Is it belly button chain guy?

Oh, actually, you know what? One does have a skinny black man boyfriend that comes in once in a while. I remember now. Really? Yeah. It's incredible. It's incredible.

It's just mind boggling. You ever watched Thousand Pound Sisters? No, I've never seen that one. Yeah, I can't. I love your thrift store joke. That's very accurate, too. I didn't even think about that. Unfortunately, two thrift stores in Burbank

just closed down because you can't pay rent when you're already making thrift store money, I guess. But they get grants. What didn't you think? Some goodwill does, I think. How long have you been doing comedy, Jo? Five years? Okay, cool.

On and off, though. More off than on because I have kids. You started in Fresno? No, I started here. On Kill Tony. Yeah. Well, I did it a couple times before Kill Tony, but I bombed so fucking hard on that stage

the first time I got pulled up. Yeah, it was bad. What happened? Who was here? Frank Estillo and Mike Lawrence. Yeah, I was right when Frank had won. And I got up there. I don't know because when you first do it, you don't bomb.

You know, like your first set, like I feel if you bombed your first set, you wouldn't do it again. So I did it. And I had all of this fucking confidence, like a fucking idiot. And I got up there and nobody laughed. And then I made fun of Pat and everybody laughed.

And you were like, you can leave now. And I was like, fucking thank you. Okay. That's crazy. How you been spending the quarantine? You have kids? I have kids. Freckledick.

Yeah, Freckledick. Yeah, he wanted to come tonight. He was like, can you just sneak me in? He wants to get snuck in with Brad Williams. And I wonder how come they don't do like one of them thousand pound bitch shows? Like, but they also put the midget shit in the house. And like, oh, like, oh, that shit, that'd be,

that'd be kind of tight. Absolutely fucking circus world. Freak show. Circus real world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With the oven. Anyway, we should write that.

Absolutely. That's what it's coming to. Just mash a bunch of freak shit together. Get a guy in there with a hairy chest and a belly button ring. Yeah, it just let me be in there to call it fuckshack. Fuckshack?

All right. So everything's been good during the quarantine? Yeah, I've actually, I didn't stop working. The chiropractor didn't close. So I've actually haven't stopped working. Yeah. Oh, you're still giving massages? Yeah.

Oh, God, I mean, I had to stop the massage podcast. So John and I started one and apparently John's funnier than me. So fuck that. There you go. Everybody who listens to it, they're like, man, John's funny. That's great. Yeah. It's awesome.

It's fun. I love it. Well, there you go. Well, thank you so much for coming on this evening. Fun times. Joy Eileen, everybody. There she goes. All right.

Back to the bucket. Step back from that ledge. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Spencer O'Neill. Here we go. Spencer O'Neill, he is coming to the stage. S-P-E-N-C-E-R. O'Neill is his name.

Here he is. Spencer O'Neill. Hey, how's it going? Like, I've been in a bit of a dry spell lately. It's actually gotten so bad that now whenever I hear about a guy who looks like me is getting late, I'm like, haha, nice. That's us. We're doing that.

We are fucking that girl. I recently learned that I can't tell Italian people and gay people apart because they both use their hands so much when they talk. Like, the other day I was talking to a guy and I went to kiss him and he was like, whoa, what are you doing? I'm Italian. And I was like, oh, my bad. That's awkward.

Then I was talking to another guy and I went to hand him a canole and he's like, hey, what are you doing? I'm gay. And I was like, I can't tell you people apart. This is ridiculous. The pinky rings and the sweats, too much. I actually just recently moved. I moved to West Hollywood.

If you're not familiar, it's a very Italian neighborhood. Just a bunch of Italian guys going around kissing each other. They all look like me. So I'm like, haha, nice. We're doing that. We're kissing that guy. All right. That's all I got for this.

Wow. Brilliant. Beautiful. A complete work of art. 58 seconds of absolute tying it all together in great jokes. That's fucking awesome, Spencer. Welcome to the show. We're happy to have you.

How long have you been on stand up? Almost seven years. Awesome. Where are you from? Alaska. Wow. How long have you been in LA? About a year.

That is awesome, man. What part of Alaska? Anchorage is the main part. My goodness gracious. What's it like up there? It's cold. A lot of mountains. Yeah.

You ever go to the Charlies or whatever it's called? The one in Chukka Charlies? Yeah. I did comedy up there with the underwear room and everything. Yeah. They got like a bunch of... I moved a little bit after I was like 21, so I didn't go there a lot.

But it's kind of a shitty bar. Oh yeah. I mean, that was the only place to go to. It's like a dirt bar. Tell us more about Alaska. It's the only place... Ice fishing. Like what were you into?

Fishing normal shit. I used to go to a small native village with my uncle. What was that like? They hated white people, so it was fun. Did you guys drink together? Do I lost? No. What are we talking about?

We'd go to like a camp on a river and just kill fish and eat them. And you would do it with the natives? No. Oh. You would hope to not run into natives? They just didn't really talk to us. Are they violent? Oh, are they?

They were around and they would see you? Yeah. My uncle lived there. He did like a... Oh, he lived there full-time. He used detention. Can these Native Americans get violent towards white people? They're Alaskan natives.

Yeah, they're... It's different. What is that? They look different. Just natives. Yeah. I wouldn't really consider it. Do they have igloos?

Fuse. I never saw an igloo. They got like shacks. Fuck shacks? Some fuck shacks. Yeah, a lot of fuck shacks. That's incredible. What else about Alaska?

I really don't know much... That much about... I know this... There's a lot of salmon there. Alaskan natives. What? What's that? They got big cheeks.

You know, the craziest thing... Eskimos? Yeah. They're thicker. Oh, they're Eskimos. Yeah, they're Eskimos. Oh, say that. The craziest thing about Alaska, I thought, was like,

would do comedy, you know, two shows, whatever. And then it's like two in the morning, would come out. It's just sunlight. It's just like... And there's no... You don't want to go back to your hotel. You don't want to do anything except like, hey, this is still daylight.

It's really fucked up the whole... You're like, it's daylight outside. I should be sleeping right now. Right. Yeah, I was born there, so I never really realized until I moved here. Like, I moved out of Alaska. But I realized, like, people can't drink outside of Alaska

because they all... They'll get the shit-face at like 1130 and then pass out. They all have drinking problems. What's the name brand of those coats that those... Parkas? Thinkin' of Parkas? Yeah. Oh, that does Eskimo people be wearin'.

Starter jackets. Starter jackets? No space. It's a bubble jacket. I think they're called... They're made out of like, seal and shit. Oh, for real? Oh, they...

And they skin them, they sell? Yeah. Do you have a club of seal? No. We're not allowed to as white people. Only they are? Only natives can kill seals. Have you ever seen a native kill a seal?

No. I'm not in like, person. I'm on video. Watch a lot of that. Oh, there we go. We have some actual audio coming in from Alaska right now. Oh, jeez. I've never seen an Eskimo.

Are they huge people? No. Oh. They're like, I don't know. Do you ever see a bear up there? Yeah. You've seen bears? Oh, yeah.

Tons of bears. What was that like? Did they ever attack you? Um, I was campin' one time when a bear came through the camp. How about a jungle bird? Have you ever seen a jungle bird? What's a jungle bird? I just realized we haven't heard the bear for so long.

Yeah, that's incredible. Have you ever seen a frog up there? I think so. You think so? I don't know. It probably wasn't. Does that, does that, does that noise ring a bell? Sounds familiar.

Okay. How about a, uh, how about a body bag? He's asking me questions. Oh, what's velvet? What's that? What's that one? Have you, have you ever seen a velvet? This is beautiful.

What is that velvet? Oh my God. There's things on the sound board we've never heard before. This is what happens when you follow a guy with a belly button ring and you run out of shit to talk about. No, you're amazing, Spencer. No, this is super interesting. So tell us more about your life.

What have you, uh, what do you do for work? What have you, how have you made money in the past? I was just doing comedy and then quarantine it. So now I'm just getting unemployment. So for that. So how long ago, a year, but like when exactly did you move here? I moved here almost a year ago in July. Right.

Were things, things were going good? Yeah, I was doing all right. I was doing better before I moved here. You kind of start over here. Right. And, uh, and this COVID hits. And I mean, that just must be a crushing blow, huh? I mean, money wise, I make more money being unemployed.

I mean, before I moved here, I was doing well, I was doing like theaters and shit with people. And then I moved here and you got to start over. You're not really doing that much. So I wasn't making much money. So you're making more on unemployment. I was, it's over now. Oh, it's over.

It ended July 31st for you. Well, they changed it. They made it like what, like, like a percentage now or so. Instead of 600, it's 200 now extra. Oh, I'm not getting that. I got to talk to somebody. Yeah, you got to. They just switched me over like a hundred bucks,

which they haven't given me. It is pretty crazy though. I like my girlfriend hasn't a job in a while and she's making so much money now. Yeah. It's something that Americans never seem to complain about is the amount of unemployment money that they have. It is our money, right?

They tax us from our paychecks and then give it back to us. Right. It's also super rich people's money that pay a lot more taxes than people that barely make a lot of money. It's not going to be the rich. I can't get on the unemployment day. Why? I don't know.

They denied my claim. Because she used to work for Viacom, which is a decrepit, decrepit company that barely pays its employees and scams kids that they get the right and perform for them. And then they eventually hire, they spend more money on lawyers to not have to pay people than actually paying the people that deserve it. And Snapchat series.

Remember they were doing that? Oh, yeah. Terrible. Yeah, it was a part of one. When we tried to get one, the niggas were like, you wasn't good enough. Yeah. It's crazy.

Viacom. I signed Viacom. We went into a picture Snapchat show and the night before we did an Armenian kids' birthday party and posted it on social media. And they saw the video before we went into the meeting and we knew when they asked us what that was all about, that we didn't get the show that we were about to pick.

We can't be on Snapchat. Your Snapchat series because... Wow. Whatever. Back to you, man. You guys got gang bangers out there? Yeah. That's Samoans.

Huh? We got Samoans. Oh, for EAA. That's a dangerous dude. A lot of people think Alaska is just white people. It's not. Do you have any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything like that?

Which is fun facts about you. Make entertaining shit. Other than that. Not really, no. I mean, nothing. Like I used to collect baseball cards. I wrestled in high school. I'm currently a semi-pro golfer.

I'm learning how to do it. I'm getting my pilot's license. I, you know... He's Italian. What's yours? Yes, I'm very Italian. And I'm gay. And I loved that joke because it made complete sense to me.

But like anything, any hobbies other than comedy are making very entertaining stuff. Do you edit? Yeah. No, that's not what I'm asking. Anything out of the entertainment industry. Fucking, not since I moved here because you got to fucking work at it.

How about in the past? No, I guess I golf, you know, you golf. Have you ever played Diddy Winks? I did some airsofting. That was fun. Say that again? I went airsofting or done that. Yeah, like paintball?

It's kind of like paintball, little BBs. Okay. I almost got into a fight with some Mexican kids. Tell us about that. I was hanging out with a Venezuelan guy and he started cussing at them. Oh, shit. Spanish.

Yeah. Which was fun. I never hang out with my Venezuelan friends when there's Mexicans around. I know. Is there anything in your refrigerator that you're excited to go home and eat? That's a great question.

No, because of fucking quarantine. I got all sick because of quarantine. I got not, I'm not boring. Boring right now. I don't do shit. Do you have a refrigerator? I do. It's empty?

It's got like some chicken and spinach in it. When was the last time you had French toast crunch? Years ago. I know a guy. I think Mitch wants you to look at your phone. Oh, wow. Thank you for that heads up. Boy, really letting the outside in.

Oh, is there any change? Do you know anything about collecting jugs of piss? I fucking knew it. I figured he was going to talk about it. So thank you, Mitch. Wow. That's a good thing. It seems to be the same in this.

Exactly the question I was asking about. I'm just happy Mitch didn't get it because he fucking lies about it. So I used to live with Mitch. Big fat guy you had on it. Add Mitch Barrow and social media. Yeah, yeah. Tell us about this.

So I used to live with him. And then he had this terrible girlfriend he lived with. And then they had these lesbian chicks stay over. And they were in the living room. No, it was fine. But they were fucking really loud in the living room. The lesbians were. Yeah.

And I had to pee. And I didn't want to be rude and interrupt them. So there was no way to get to the bathroom without walking right past them. So I peed in the jug in my room. I peed in one jug. See, this is a fucking lie. I peed in one jug one time.

Three jugs. How did you have all these three jugs just laying in your room? I had one jug that it was a water jug that I drank all the water of. What? How big of a jug? Like what is a jug to you?

You're from Alaska. I picture a jug. It's got three X's on it. You hold it over your shoulder. Like a Winnie the Pooh jug. Yeah, you drink it. Like a honey jug. You pee right into it.

We call that a honey jug. Well, why wouldn't you just be like, hey, this is my house. Hey, I'm going to piss. You know who cares? Hey, man, coming through lesbos. Yeah, I didn't want to be rude. Kick them to the fucking side.

Rude. They might be like, were they hot lesbians? They weren't that hot. Oh, hell. Yeah. Most lesbians aren't. God. So like how they were.

You said they were having loud sex. I don't think they knew I was home. It was loud. Wait, would you they think they had like strap-ons on or something? Like how does lesbians get that loud? I always picture lesbian sex being quite quiet. I know.

Trying to think about it. If I heard one or two voices. Whether or not. Like the sound. Did you like spy? Because I would just spy. I didn't want to. I didn't want to.

Oh, we know you would spy. Of course. I was kind of a guest. He'd be in the middle of the living room just fucking stroking. How? Bying and stroking. I don't want to be rude coming out there jerking off

to my friends, lesbians, having sex. Will you say loud? Like, give us an example. Like how loud? Like do it in the mic. I'm not going to do it in the mic. But it was loud enough to know. Was it like a motorcycle?

I'm auditory. Or was it like an e-bike? I'm auditory. What the fuck is that? Stop that. Whatever that is. It was like that? Jesus fucking Christ.

That made me want to pee in the truck. I'm almost there. I'm almost there. It was like that? It was like that? Yeah. Save it for the mostly sorry part, Joel. Like that?

Less. Less. Unbelievable. More like. Less valley girl. More like. What were these girls? These were Alaskan girls?

No, Seattle. Well, I live with men. Oh, Seattle. Seattle, Seattle, lesbians. Oh, yes. Right, yeah. Yeah, feet that looks like women. I feel a little liar.

OK. Let's wind down a little bit. Let's all take a breath. So you filled this jug of piss? I pissed in at one time. Pissed in at one time? Yeah. Was it a full jug?

No, it was a gallon jug. I couldn't piss a gallon. What else? Did you shit in it? I shit next to it, but I cleaned that up. Mitch never saw it. Oh, my goodness. This is incredible.

So how many, how many jugs were there? Actually, we weren't allowed to shit in the house because of his crazy girlfriend. I was one of them. We had to go down. It was a nice apartment. We had to go to a different part of the building to shit. Because she said that you guys shit too much or something?

No, she just didn't like the smell of shit in a bathroom. But she would allow two Seattle lesbians to fuck in her living room? Yeah. Oh, come on. What the fuck? Bullshit. And then I'm in trouble because I got to pee in a jug.

I mean, Mitch clearly still wears the clothes that the lesbians left at his house. This is not the same place that Mitch lives in now, right? No, Mitch doesn't live in Seattle right now. I thought they were Seattle girls. I thought you guys drove down here every Monday just to be team players. This is fucking awesome.

Such compelling interviews on this episode of Kill Tony, every single fucking person. The first guy was a little bit worried about and he's like, check this out. I'll show us that belly button piercing covered in hair. Do you have any piercings or tattoos? Are you fucking kidding me? You think this guy could possibly have anything?

I could seem have a little nipple ring or something like that. Yeah, right? I actually have a jewelry phobia. So a Jew phobia? No, yeah, both jewelry. Wow. You get a Jew with some piercings. I'm out of there.

Good Lord. That is incredible. So what do you end up doing with this jug of piss? Well, I forgot about it. And then Mitch stormed into my room when I wasn't home and he comes up to me and he goes, hey, what's in this jug? Oh, shit. I tried to lie.

I go, it's an apple cider, I think. He told me I immediately called my bluff. He said that he told him to drink. He goes, drink some of it. I go, it's piss. I'm not drinking that. Wow. And then he's like, why the fuck do you have a jug of piss?

And then I try to explain the lesbians. And then how long do you think the jug was there until Mitch found it? Probably a year. Okay, guys, that is nothing to do with this. I mean, Jesus Christ. It was like a day. Couldn't have been more than a day.

A day. Jesus Howard Hughes over here. I probably went to work. He jugs of piss everywhere. I probably went to work and then I came home and fucking detective Mitch over there was like, what do you have piss in your room? Why was he in your room, by the way?

That's a great question. What the fuck were you doing in his room? That's creepy. He said he had to take a piss. Unbelievable. So much fun, Spencer. Unbelievable set. I mean, in 60 seconds, you had multiple jokes,

multiple callbacks, tied it all together. Unfucking believable. Probably one of the best 60-second sets we've seen here in absolutely forever. Very impressive. Thank you so much for coming by. Spencer O'Neill, everybody. Wow.

What an episode. Very, very, very compelling show this evening. Having fun here. Well, I don't know what you guys think, but I think there's only one way to put a little ribbon on this little puppy pie that we call an episode of Kill Tony,

and we're about to do it right now. This next comedian, ladies and gentlemen, one of the true legends of the show, a guy who I believe he's awake, ladies and gentlemen. He is originally from Chicago, a former improv, a black belt over its second city, and started stand-up very, very recently, and has been a regular on the show

for quite a few months now. I absolutely love him with all of my heart. This is a guy that I truly care deeply about and absolutely love. One of my favorite comedians, one of the top young rising comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, wait, you know what?

Actually, here, let me put it to you this way. We've seen this guy on the show a couple times before. Here he is for his return. It's the one and only injured dice clay, everyone. Here he is. It's injured dice clay. Here he is. Little boy blue, a 2.8 into the breath of life, huh?

After breaking into the liquor cabinet, now he has permanent brain damage. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack's quick showing off. Oh, Mother Hubbard went to a cupboard to hide from her almond intruder. He stole her wheelchair and her meds. This dude cannot be ruder. Oh!

Little Miss Muffin, I have like six more. Keep going. That's fine. You can go forever. Little Miss Muffin, blowing her trumpet in that Keltoni band. She's super stuck up and treats me like dirt because I cannot stand. I think you forgot something there at the end of that one. Okay, go ahead.

Oh, he was trying to cross the border to get his baby out of a cage. Oh! There was a disabled lady who lived in this shoe. After four years of Trump, she lives in a sandal. Oh! Jack and June went up at home. Obviously, they can't use stairs in San Sadam. Oh!

Mary, Mary, quiet, country. You missed, I know it's me. You made my life a nightmare. Oh! Little Bo Peep lost her sheep in the Obamacare. Now she's dead pants in the web pants. Web cams in the underwear. Sadam.

Are they said more? No. Injured, dice, clay. Hey, love is. It's what I've got. Yes, injured. So good to have you back on the show. Glad to be alive.

Uh, you are injured, dice, clay. You are Andrew, dice, clays, uh, hand. Half brother. Half brother. And half brother. Second question. Why is it removed? Uh, oh, wow.

Have you ever talked with your half brother, second cousin, twice removed Andrew, dice, clay before I am. I'm left with messages asking for money, and he does not return my calls. Wow, that's incredible. I'm wondering if maybe like, uh, he would help you if you needed it, maybe with like a medical procedure. What type of, uh, what's your blood type?

Um, it is, um, it's called. There's only a couple types. I'm really setting you up for one here, if you think about it. Um, yeah, I mean, we have different sons at home, Tony. So really, I have no idea where you're leaving me. Jam, I am. Where is he going with this one? I think he wanted you to say your blood type is, oh.

It's, oh, it's a very. Let's go back to one. Okay, back to one. Uh, you know, your half brother could probably help you with some type of medical, uh, transplant or procedure. If you ever need, what type of blood type do you have? At this point, you should just say a positive and we can move on. I am based.

Oh, there you go. Nailed it. Um, he really talked like that. Dice. Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought it was. Now, Tony, you gave so much exposition about me, but you didn't tell him I bailed us.

He has. So he's like, oh, look at this and sent to the mother fucker. He saw blank man. What? You see the movie blank man? Oh, yeah. Never mind. Is blank man ALS?

Uh, he's on the spectrum like spectrum is the worst Wi-Fi right now. It's the worst spectrum is horrible. I hate being on the spectrum. Yeah, it's weird. Like they have my monopoly. Why can't we choose between six cable internet company? That's true. You get one mother fucker to come to your house who doesn't know shit and you're

just slow unless you're a rock of sciences for the internet. That's absolutely true. Yeah. I mean, I think we should have more options. I do too. Amazon should do internet. Absolutely. I mean, come on Amazon.

Amazon should just do everything. Yeah. Yeah. Amazon should make our water, send us things. They should be at Christmas. You put a thing out. It's called progress. The conch in one's mentioned before the steam engine, the computer chip, and now Amazon.

Yeah. Sure, people are getting super rich, but you know what? When you can't walk and you learn all the three pairs sneakers or heavy socks. Off Amazon and get one to do two days. That's cool as fuck. Now, Andrew Dice Clay famously was the first comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden in New York, New York. You are injured dice clay.

What's your favorite performance that you've ever given? Oh, without a doubt. My favorite is that the Mayo Clinic. Oh, you remember me? Oh, you sick kids. Oh, shout out to all the 38-year-olds from leukemia. Yeah. That's beautiful.

This is the Mayo Clinic. Yeah, Mayo Clinic seen the sign. I own them. I play all the hottest hospitals. We can't talk about them. We can't. We got to stop saying Mayo Clinic. Red Band's getting hungry over here.

Yeah, because I eat Mayo. Do you have any updates on your Easter Seals video? Because I know a few years ago we were talking about the. Yeah. Yeah. You was the update. I guess moving. Here's the update.

I guess moving. Let him talk, man. What do you think? I'm not stopping him from talking to me. So we've just spent. Is it in tomorrow? Yes. Yeah, I am trying to figure out what's wrong with you still.

He doesn't know what AOL is. No, well, Tony, try filling in your guests. I mean. Do you need the glasses? Yeah, I'm injured. Dice playing. He's in character. Oh, all right, all right, the fit.

He's playing a character of a dice clay-like character that's injured and the actual man playing the character has a debilitating, uncurable, untreatable disease. Oh, this shit is layered in a motherfucker. Oh, yeah. It really is. Dude, I get more diversity jobs than you. I'm on pre-sales to start with black.

Wow. Motherfucker. Dude, man, networks are designing themselves around people who are all fucked up because they're going. What? What was the last one? Man, he doing that shit on purpose, man. No, I ain't.

It's cold PBA. I'm laughing, crying disease. Yes, like what the Joker had in the movie where he can't stop laughing. Oh, dude, I'm on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, shit. Oh my god, it's Michael Lair everybody.

Is he about to walk? To my way from Compton. All right, I'm from Queens. Oh my god. Okay, I believe you. You fucked up. No, but you said always doing this shit on purpose. No, Michael, no, don't.

Tony, no, Tony, one, I am the oldest person in this building. You are one. Oh, I like it. No, but two, I am. Oh, whoa, whoa. I don't have no fucks to give. So apparently one says I'd be faking it. Oh, shit.

Take a share. I stood up so I'm not proving my point. Yeah, I was going to say, I told you that you were faking it. And then you you just stood up. Great posture, by the way. I don't think I've ever seen anyone have such a good posture. I mean, you're standing. It is incredible.

Can you give one of those back brace things off Instagram? They've been advertising. My girlfriend just got that today and it has like her tits cut out. It's just like, does it really work? No, it's just ridiculous. No, my copper farb. What copper farb copper farb red farb. Oh, yeah.

Francis, my copper thing. I just don't know why you guys don't amuse. Jamai, you need to translate. Listen, everything going B.I.R.E. don't know. Listen, Michael just talking to talk. He's not walking to walk. All right. He's he's just saying some things.

He flexing on Jamai because Jamai question is disability. He's really disabled. What's going on here? He's going to sit down momentarily because his legs are about to give out. But he's happy. He did the injured eyes clay bit. But he's also upset that Jamai didn't understand that he was doing a character and that his real person had ALS.

So it was a very complex problem that was facing him. Is that pretty much sum up how you feel in right now, Michael? Everything going B.I.R.E. Tony. Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy. Oh, my dear she wrote. I have a reggae joke. Can I see if it works?

Absolutely. So what's the deal with reggae? It's the only genre where they never have to make new songs. My dear she wrote. Hey, hey, my dear she wrote. I've been dancing to that shit since eighth grade. Jamai, Jamai, that was definitely a joke targeted towards black people more than white. So what did you think?

What? Fair, fair, fair play? Do you hate me because of my disease? I don't hate you, man. That ain't fair, is it? You're doing white voice, I mean. No, he's always had a white voice. I went to college and I fuck a lot of white women.

That's true, he does. Lower your pitch and respect me. Lower your pitch and respect Michael Latter. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And I grew up watching Def Jam, so I speak at a certain pitch. I feel you sound like the Def Jam guy, Def Jam guy. What's, oh, that's a headband on the ground. I think that you're hilarious.

I think you are too, and it's a pleasure to meet you. And this show tonight was straight bananas awesome. I agree, I agree. And there's no better way to fucking end it than with you. You're the baddest ass of them all. You can sit down, I feel like. No, I need to air out my ass more. The great Michael Lair, everybody.

Everything he does is at MichaelLairComedy.com and on social media at Michael Lair Comedy. Here comes tonight's drawing from the great Ryan J. E. Belt. There it is. Oh, this looks like a watercolor. Look at that, there's a big snake there. There's a grassy knoll. There's a cat.

That's red band. Oh, it's a snake on a rope. There we go. Rope snake. That's beautiful. Look at that, incredible. The great Jamar Neighbors was with us this entire episode. He's got specials and albums everywhere.

Tell the people where they can find him. Thank you, Tony. Hey, man, I'm doing a show out of my apartment, September 6th. Y'all got to come and be on it and be a part of the audience. Tony's going to be on it. Jeremiah's going to be on it. Red Band's going to be on it. Thank you, guys.

Absolutely. And if you can see Jamar Live, please check it out, man. It's one of the most unique live shows you'll ever see. Without a doubt. This guy's, this is another one of those guys that's going to be one of the biggest in the world one day. And you're going to say that you know him from Kill Tony because you're a real fucking comedy fan.

I guarantee you that this guy will be recognized as one of the best in the world by everyone one day. Thank you to David Deerey for helping us out so much. He's at MF David Deerey on social media. Hey, look at Skeeter over there. Believe it or not, people. It was Jeremiah Watkins the whole time. There's his Venmo.

You know what that is. Venmo, I'm Jeremiah. Why don't you tell them about the art and stuff that you make, the creative endeavors that you do, Jeremiah, instead of holding up the Venmo thing. Why don't you tell them about that? Your podcast, your social media. I mean, I put out a new Jeremiah Wonders Weekly

and I feel like I'm doing something unique and creative. You are? And I would really appreciate if you go over to youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins and check it out. If you have never seen it or maybe you haven't seen it in a long time, doing a lot of different new stuff, please check it out. A lot of fun stuff going on over there.

If you like characters and silly shit and a bunch of fun laughs and great, great character work and improvisation, that's all happening over there. Yeah, check out this shit with Adam Ray that you did a couple decades ago. It was amazing. Incredible. Yeah, there's a bunch of Dr. Field episodes with Adam Ray.

There's a Trump episode that's out that I'd like you to check out. A lot of the characters that became famous on Kill Tony are happening over at Jeremiah Wonders. Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, I know this is going to be hard to believe, but Kelsey, all night, I just got worried that that was actually Jetski Jesse Johnson, everybody. I can't even believe it.

I don't see the resemblance. Oh, there it is. I know that trumpet swing. Nothing but home runs from Jetski Johnson, as always. Jetski, tell us what else is going on in the world. Follow me on social media at Jetski Johnson. See me on Jeremiah Wonders. Absolutely doodly.

Isn't that the truth? Oh my goodness. Wait a second. Hold on. That's not Rocco. That's Chroma Chris. Wow, that's incredible. What do you think about tonight's episode?

You made a classic one tonight, Tony. Sorry that these puns are a little dreadful, Tony. He's Chroma Chris on everything social media. He's part of the baby boys. He makes music. He does fun things. He's everywhere. We love him.

And this beautiful young lady back here, I know what you're thinking. Is that Amy Winehouse's corpse? No. It was actually Joel Berg the whole time. Spoiler alert. It was Joel Jimenez of the Mostly Sorry podcast and Mostly Sorry on social media.

What else, Joel? That's it. Love you guys. Peace. There's a bunch of new Tony Hinchcliff merch over at TonyHinchcliff.com. There's a bunch of stuff. Shower curtains, T-shirts, skateboards.

You got shower curtains? It's all happening over at TonyHinchcliff.com. It's unbelievable. Why not look at my face while in your shower scrubbing up? I would love to see that. And check out Desquad.tv. Also a lot of new merch there for virtual red band and loophole and all that stuff is at Desquad.tv.

I have a Patreon project that covers everything about roasting, its entire history, how to do it, roast battles, roasters, everything over there. I interview members of the writing staff and famous roast performers of the past. And that's all at Patreon.com slash Hinchcliff. This was another episode of Kill Tony, the formerly known as the number one live podcast

in the world because we used to have a live audience. But now we do this. So there you go. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys.