KILL TONY - KT #470 - BRETT ERICKSON

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Brett Erickson, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 08/31/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—MINT MOBILE – Get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, Got to MINTMOBILE.COM/KILLTONY and slash your cell phone bill down to $15!

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the road famous comedy store main room for our brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for TonyHinchCliff. Yeah, I'm crazy like a wolf today. Brian Red Band, how are you, my friend? Great, man. How are you doing? It's another beautiful day. Can you believe this? Seven years and three months we've been doing this show. And here we are again, doing it again. This is very exciting. The great Ryan J. Ebelt

is here drawing tonight's episode. Look at him live in the flesh. How exciting is this? We have a scattered 12 people in a room built for 470 people. This is just as exciting as it gets everyone. There's a lot of energy here today. And I am excited about tonight's episode. A lot of fun things coming up ahead, including a guest. Yeah, we have a guest on tonight's show. This guy, one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians. He opens for Doug Stanhope all around the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Brett Erickson, everybody. Here he is. It's got a hit podcast. It's actually got a couple podcasts. Welcome, Brett. Hi, Tony. Good to be here. You can take your mask off if you think you don't have

COVID. Yeah, you passed your temperature check, right? I did. I did. I did. Unless you've been feeling a little suspicious. No headaches, right? For those of you watching, they're six feet between us. I know it doesn't look like it, but the camera adds four and a half feet. I have a five and a half foot long arm. That's right. People know that about me. By the way, Tony, I would like to say thank you for having me here tonight. I know that normally you do have a packed house and you thought to yourself, you know what? We're only going to have 12 people in a room fit for 400. Who would be comfortable in that room? That's right. What sort of comedian do we need that would be comfortable in a nearly empty room? That's right. No, it's true. I know just the guy. You were my

first call for that mission. Thank you. I'm so glad that you're here. Tell us about the shows that you do and the fun things like that. I know you have the whole... You mentioned opening for Doug Stanhope. I did that for a long time. I'm now hosting a podcast called Issues with Andy. That's what it is. That I do with my friend Andy Andrist, who is a force of nature. He's in the Stanhope world. He's our Joey Diaz. I love that. And he needed a podcast and he didn't have one. And I thought, fuck it. Let's do a podcast. So I do a podcast with him and it's me and him and a couple of the guys from Doug's podcast, Greg Shaley and Chad Shank and the four of us just talk shit. Nothing better than doing podcasts. Nothing better than four straight old white guys having

a podcast. That's what it's all about. And you know what's great about podcasts are sponsors. And here is a little bit more about our amazing sponsors that sponsored tonight's episode. Man, I'm going to tell you right now. Mint Mobile's new approach to wireless is a thing of the future. I got one recently. The activation process is easy. The network coverage is up there with all the big boys. The cost savings compared to the previous carrier is absolutely insane. If you're still using one of the big wireless providers this year, have you asked yourself what you're paying for? Between expensive retail stores, inflated prices and hidden fees, you're being taken advantage of because they know you'll pay. Enter Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile provides the same premium network

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It's an amazing, amazing place where you can get your business abumen. Zippercruiter, the smartest way to hire. And we're back! Another beautiful day here with the great Brett Erickson. Brett, I know it's been a while since- Great job on that live read, by the way. Thank you so much. That was killer. Aren't they amazing? That's exactly what that was. I can't wait to use Zippercruiter. Oh, shit. Yes, you're exactly right. You mean- Mint mobile! Beep! Oh, I use it every day. Anyway, we do love Zippercruiter, and you know what else we love? Is the band that is on this show

every single episode. They commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be or how they're going to behave. And this week is no different. We're all going to find out what they are tonight together as I present to you the best stand band in the land. It's the Killtony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski Johnson, and Crow McCris. Here we go. Whoa! Oh, shit! Whoa! Oh, my goodness. Is this- Holy shit. It's green days. Is it? Is this Reagan Watkins? What's going on here? I really thought it was Pat Reagan when he walked out. Who are you? Hey, I'm Chester Bennington from Lincoln Park. Whoa. Wow. All right,

Chester. Okay. I don't really know that much about Lincoln Park, so it's going to be a pleasure to meet you guys today. Yeah. All right. I'm dead if you didn't know. Yeah, no, I know. Welcome to the comedy school. I'm actually interested in hearing about the documentary you've been working on about child sex abuse with Anthony Bourdain. I heard all about it on Sam Tripoli's podcast. I heard they all got murdered, too. Like, there's like three people- They did. Chris Cornell. This could be the whole crew. Chester, you are the seventh most famous person to hang themselves that's been in the comedy store, so congratulations. You got it. Hey, there you go. Yeah, you have your references. And then clearly back here, we have what appears to be a Pokemon bus boy at an Italian restaurant.

What's your name? Hey, what's up? I'm Mike Chinota from Lincoln Park. Oh, okay, Mike. I'm going to write that down. Mike Chinota. I'm just going to call you Mike. And over here, clearly, we have what appears to be a young Chewbacca. Chroma, who are you? Would we start? What's up? You guys are really all Lincoln Park tonight. Yeah, my name's Brad Delson from Lincoln Park. I'm a guitarist. Okay. All right. Learning a lot tonight already about Lincoln Park. How about you back there, the drummer? Oh, that's cool, man. My name is Rob. I guess you don't have to turn around to see me because I'm in that little screen over there. So yeah, I see you. Yeah, I'm the drummer for Lincoln Park, Rob. Okay, Rob. You know, this is great. Shut up when I'm talking to you.

So Lincoln Park, everybody will be the band tonight. By the way, Lincoln Park wouldn't put this much effort into doing a show. This is very exciting. Out of all the bands in the world, Lincoln Park's one of the ones I'm like, any day now, any day we're going to get Lincoln Park. All of your work. So they did some 41 last week. Without a lack of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take. Yep, that's Lincoln Park. I don't know how I'm dead and I'm already on suicide watching. Chester, we're going to have fun today, Chester. Some people signed up for the show. I have a bucket of destiny. This used to be a big deal that would have hundreds of people in it. And now there is a few. We're going to get through those, meet some strangers, maybe someone that we've

met before. And let's get to it. You guys ready to start tonight's episode of Kill Tony? Here we go. We're going to ignore the bucket to start things. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite human beings on the planet, an absolute destroyer, an improvisational guru out of the great state of Illinois, Chicago, originally from New York, now lives in Los Angeles, originally from Queens. Everybody, it's the great Michael Laird. Here we go. Disneyland is coming back in hours. Who cares? Stop calling your employees cast members, all right? Call them for what they are. They are they are the profounder vacation of the American dream gone wrong. Underneath that making mass head is the tears of my man who owns

$50,000 to Doolyard. Every acting school should be called from Shakespeare to Shake Shack. But now, all you're doing is playing violin, blindfolded friends and mortis. We're worried about the parasites. But what about the musicals effect on children? No one talks about that. One good thing about Corona, no more Hamilton. Wow, powerful. It starts with one thing. I don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard you try. Keep that in mind. I'm just trying to explain and do time. All I know. Okay, there we go. I was wondering when that one was going to happen right from the top. I think you've already been too tough on Lincoln Park. Really? I think it's because you're from Chicago and there's a

Lincoln Park in Chicago. There's an Lincoln Park everywhere. Yeah, it's true. That Abraham Lincoln was quite a guy. Yeah. He also died in a chair. Yes. Yes. Oh, hey. We're going to lose the level. Oh, man, what a crazy fucking day, huh? Yeah, tell us about it, Michael. No, man, just reacting all day. I'm not even an actor anymore. I'm a reactor and just reacting this shit all day. Wow. I remember. I mean, you were one of my favorite actors ever. I've seen you in the Easter Seals film. I've seen you pull off an amazing. Now let's talk about Rocky Balboa. I got shut out of the Easter Seals video directing competition. Shut up. 12 nominees. I thought I went and all I was What'd you get 13th? I don't I there were 80 submissions. I I think they got wind of all the

horrible things we were saying. I think maybe they did. Did you look at the other people that made it like where were they legit or were you like, what the fuck is this? I didn't look because it's hard for me to look. But you know what? Maybe the judges were also handicapped as well. That's why they didn't pick you. Maybe it was just like they're watching videos like. Yeah. They're like, man, this guy is still pucks. Yeah. Yeah. That those are some of the actual nominees who still fuck that was in the rules. I didn't read close enough. Yeah, you know, Easter Seals. Fuck them. Easter is like not that great of a holiday. Seals aren't that great of animals. Not as good as penguins. No, it should be the Easter jungle birds. If you ask me, that's

yeah, there it is. That's what I think it should be. Yeah, like a parakeet or a guana. Michael, all you got to do with this whole thing is just spin it, you know, banned from the Easter Seals Film Festival. Right. No, I think too fucking much. Yeah, I think they made that clear when they didn't when they banned you from any prizes. You would think they would give everybody a prize at that fucking time doing at least at least a dime. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What is the name come from? It's weird. Easter Seals. Yeah. Yeah, it's very bizarre. Very bizarre. I think it's because the seals make the same noises as a lot of the a lot of the people that are in that organization. Yes. Yes, exactly. And this is exactly why they wouldn't give me any cash or prizes.

Yeah, they read about this. Founded as he was originally founded in 1919. It was called the National Society for Crippled Children. That's not a joke, everybody. That is what the first line of Wikipedia says. Imagine that. Imagine they're like, oh, you think our name's bad now? You should have seen us in 1919, the National Society for Crippled Children. Man, age limit on that thing is that maybe that's what it was. They're like, look at this fucking guy. I told him I was 13. That's why I've been tanning so much. I told him I'm a Puerto Rican baseball player. Is the 13 year old Puerto Rican baseball player, everybody? Well, you got a little kendama there? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, if you can't win a film festival, do what you know.

That's what they say. Come on, get it, Michael. I have a theory. You know the name of this? If you can, yes, it's a kendama. Right? Am I saying that correctly? You're the only one who knows the name of this. Adam 22 gave me one as a gift. Right. And a fan gave this to me. As a punishment. Yeah, it was one of the fans of your Easter Seals video, not of your comedy. It was the type of fan where they gave me this after attaching jumper cables to my testicle. Jesus. You know what? If you can make that kendama in the hole in five tries, I will call Joe Rogan on speakerphone and I will make him give you a million dollars right now. He's so rich. He's just giving it away. Man, I can more and more. How many of you think he can make this in five

tries, huh? One, the kendama has an infinite amount of mix. Oh, I know. If you think you can make it on anything, we will make sure Joe Rogan gives you one million dollars. Thanks to our friends over at Spotify. All right. You'll receive a hitch father with one million dollars. Here it is. This is the million dollar kendama, everybody, for the first time on Kill Tony. One million dollars. Here we go. One. Whoa. So close. That was close. Just a bit outside. Come on, Michael, try. Oh, almost took his eye out. Oh my goodness. Wow. That first one was shockingly close. Joe Rogan hung up. That would have been so good. That would have been the moment where we found out you've been playing possum this whole time and gets it on

the first try. Oh my goodness gracious. The first ever segment, the one million dollar kendama. That is the first and the last in Kill Tony history right there. Yeah. Well, I will also most contestants won't have more than one disease. Right. And I wouldn't offer a million dollars if they didn't have motor neurone disease. What the fuck? Yeah, it's only it's only funny if they have a debilitating. What the fuck? It's normal just be like Chris Catan and like an Applebee's gift card or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You get $35 Applebee's gift card. Welcome to million dollar kendama. What else has been going on, Michael? Well, you know, I just tan and do a physical therapy on IG live on that. And I listen to bad baby. It gives me

motivated. Yep. Bad baby's the shit. Yeah, man. She's got bars. She's like, white tanger. I've been I actually watched you do physical therapy on IG live today. I don't know if you know that I was there. Yeah, I do. I was making jokes. You were pretty far away from the screen. So I don't know if you saw any of that. Um, no, one of you sharing them. No, I mean, it's one of those you sort of had to be theirs. Oh, maybe could I repeat the one to me? I'm gonna shove up your ass right now. Oh, yeah. What is this? The Easter Seals dance. I did ask if it was the Easter Seals dance competition. Yeah, I'll do anything for laughs, even in clearly even in an IG live with 17 people. It's all right. It was a great competition. And it taught me

humility. And I don't need all that shit. They weren't gonna give them give it to another half person. Wow. What else, Michael? What else has been happening? Um, just been chilling figuring out what kind of weed I like best. I switched to the babes. It is helping my voice big time. Yeah. But when I start my set, there's always that beginning anxiety or breath thing that I'm like, trying to catch up and I gotta find a way for it to be like this right now. I think a lot of people have that though when they went like a lot of comics when they first get on stage, you know, their voice is not the timing and everything. They're still kind of adjusting and the nerves of just being on stage. For sure. And when I was

not cursed by God, I am I was a very fast comedian, you know, like bits by the moment. So and I got a disease that they call it velocity dependent where the faster I tried to move, it all like stopped in my tracks. So, um, yeah, it's real challenge by how you like me now. So it turns out that's like the ultimate review, right? Like you were a fast talking comedian and God was like, no, you're going too fast, Michael. You know, you're talking too much. Yeah, a little bit slower. Hey, did you see my new airing? Oh, wait, no, let me see it. It's a little sparkly air. Good. Wait, that's the handicapped ear. Keep going in.

Oh, is that a W? Oh, yeah. Is that an upside down M? Or is it a W? It stands from Wendy. For Wendy's? Yeah, I love square hamburgers. Good man. Good man. Yeah, man. My goodness. Red Band, what do you think about Michael there repping your favorite healthy food? Oh, it's great, man. I'd like to have you in bed sometime. Yeah, man. I love my non dairy dessert. You love it? Non dairy dessert? The Frosty. Have you had their breakfast yet? Breakfast baconator and their new potatoes? Oh, they're new potatoes. This just became Brian Red Band's podcast. Oh, I know. It happens quickly. You know, remember when Wendy's used to give you crackers? For their chili, they still give you crackers for your chili. No, but when... What century were you

guys born in? They used to buy the napkins. Oh, yeah, they used to have to give you milk at the back of the show. They used to have a pile of crackers right next to napkins. So, like, if you're poor, you just, like, start stuffing your pockets for a crack. It feels like Lincoln Park is more of a Burger King sort of band, you know what I mean? Yeah, what's your guys? They're not cool with Wendy's. That's food choice. My guess is in and out, like you did with life. Just in and out. What a burger, because sometimes we question what life is all about. How about you, Mike? I mean, as far as... I did want to touch on as far as you and your talking and how you can't get your breath. I'll say one thing, and I don't know why, but it really doesn't even matter how hard you try.

Deep. Keep that in mind. I was designed to rhyme. I'll explain the due time, because all we know, the time is a valuable thing. Watch you fly by as the pendulum swings. Watch you count down to the end of the day. The clock takes life away. It's so unreal. You didn't look out below. Watch the time go round the window. Try to hold out, but you didn't even know. The way Sarah got us to what? I kept everything in your eyes. I didn't know why. It all fell apart. The one of us who lives in your memory. You have a talent, John. So hard to lose it out. In the end, you've got to be the man. It's a Linkin Park miracle. Jesus. All the bands we could have had on today. It's incredible. This will eventually be a memory. I know, lap bands. I love ambient and pop music.

You love ambient and pop music? Yeah, I like ambient for fucking only, though. All right. Hey, one more joke before we go related. Yeah, when these, I used to, I have an old joke. Let me see if it works. It's about Taco Bell now. It's about what? Taco Bell. Oh, okay. You can. Are you done? Okay, here we go. The Taco Bell joke. You can always tell them how good of a neighbor you're in by the access that Taco Bell gives you to their hot sauce. Oh, really? 540. Okay, band go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Brad. Never, ever, ever cue the band again. In a million fucking years. Do you want to join our band, Brett?

God, I was feeling it right there. Chester. Jesus Christ. So what was the joke? Five hot sauces? No, you can tell how good of a neighbor by how much access the Taco Bell gives you to their hot sauce. Right. That's an extremely specific premise. That is a suburban Taco Bell joke. I didn't say, hey guys, I got the best joke ever. It's definitely not hack. Yeah, thank you. That's true. It is an original take on a Taco Bell joke. It didn't end in south of the border or anything like that. The punchline was a little mild. Hey, look at that. Fuck yeah. Well, this was fun. Yeah. You have any more Taco Bell jokes? Yeah. Give me a menu on them. Gordita. Man, Gordita. What is a pancake?

All right. How about Chalupa? Do you have a Chalupa joke? I actually knew her. Chalupa Jenkins, I believe. Yeah, man. I'm mixing him up like she was dope. Hell yeah. Absolutely. All right, Michael. Well, fun times as always. MichaelLairComedy.com. A bunch of fun stuff going on over there. Videos, merch, everything. MichaelLairComedy.com. There goes Michael Lair, everybody. There you go. All right, pull the name out of the bucket. We know this guy. He's in the room. He's an absolute killer. He was on just a recent episode. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. The few people in the room for Dan Nolan. Here he is. One of the best.

Kill Tony Legend. Thank you. He'll never heal. This is a long introduction. Thank you. I lost 35 pounds so far in quarantine. It's good. I got to have a new exercise thing I do every day. I run for three miles straight, and then I run for three miles gay. I'm losing weight. I got an iPhone app that tracks your body fat percentage and stuff, so you can see what the progress is. When I started out the category I was in was called obese, and then I was super pumped to get to the next category, which was just called concerning. I was like, yeah, y'all better be concerned. I'm about to fuck yo' bitch. I got that iPhone app that shows you all the pedophiles in your neighborhood

live, but it doesn't let you swipe right or send messages or anything. I want to do one of those pedophile ambush shows like Chris Hansen or whatever, but the twist that I have is it's going to be like a game show, so you just pop out and ask them a bunch of trivia questions. It's going to be called to cash a predator, or I might just have them go up against the kid. We can call it, are you smarter than a fifth grader? And then if they win, I don't know, they just get to fuck the kid. Dan Nolan, everybody. Fucking awesome. There you go. That would be where it ended right there. 35 pounds. Is that trail? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm cheating. I got a trainer and I'm paying for like fucking injections

and shit and doing hormones. Goodness. Like HGH? Not HGH. Sormorlin, which is like encourages your body to release more of its own HGH and then like testosterone. Wow. What happened? What do you mean? Like how does that, like what made you get that? I don't know. I was just like fat idiot. Did you miss needles that much? Like really what happened? I was like, I was thinking about like comedy and stuff. And I was like, I have no confidence on stage or whatever. And then I realized like, oh, I have no confidence in real life either. So I figured I should try. I'm so in like a couple months, I should have like a six pack and be like a hot guy. That's awesome. So you're working out. You're really running three miles a day? No, no. I bet I have a trainer. He's doing injections. He

doesn't need to run. No, I do. I have like two or three training sessions a week, sometimes four, but you're really depending on the chemical. Yeah, I mean, that's what like most that's what doing most most of the physical changes. I mean, it's like I'm also dieting. I do intermittent fasting. I don't eat carbs. Dan, I think you I really respect you actually do have really fat guy energy because your your second joke about being a fat guy was as soon as I'm not obese, I'm going to fuck your bitch, which isn't going to happen. But I do respect that. Did the injections have any side effects? Seems like it's good to be true. You got red bands wheels turning over here like he's on one of his e-bikes. It's red band wants to know if it comes in an IV trip.

Just hook it up to yourself before you go to sleep at night. That's cool. No, it's just expensive. Like, it's more or less $400 a month and then the other the testosterone injections are $200 a month. Damn, 600 bucks a month. Yeah. But it's like paying rent to live inside of a nicer body. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Red band spent 600 a month on cheese filled jalapeno peppers. It's like $14. Oh, I don't know. It's been a while since I had baked. It's the grocery store. That's $500 jalapenos. What do you what have you been eating? So now you're eating healthy to not healthy just low carb. Like what? Eat omelette every morning. We're every afternoon at noon.

And then today I got in and out. Jesus. Wait, I love that your exercise regimen is eating an omelette every morning. I mean at noon. Yeah. Like you sleeping till noon, you're taking injections. You're a real hero. Yeah. And a real comedian eating breakfast at noon. Yeah. Oh, it's the best. I work from home now. So it's I mean, everybody works from home now. But except for the heroes at the grocery stores. But you mean the sandwich? Yeah. The sandwich heroes. Heroes. What else? What else you've been doing for fun as of late, Dan? I lost $700 day trading cryptocurrency yesterday. Do you? Why? Why? I was doing really good. No, because I got ballsy because I bought this thing called Chainlink when it was like

fucking 30 cents. And now I have like $11,000. And I put $200 on it when I was fucking broke. Remember this? Yeah. You put 200 in and then it went all the way down. Now it's $11,000. Oh, wow. It's fucking crazy. And then fucking sell it right now. I should, but I'm not gonna. My goodness gracious. I cashed out last time in 2017, literally the top, the absolute top. And I made it was great. That's great. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of weight you can lose. Yeah. Moe money, less weight. That's fun. How about your love life? You're in a relationship we found out recently, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's good. She's cool. Yeah. What does she do? She's one of the heroes at the grocery stores. Oh, that's right. She's putting it all together now. She works at

Trader Joe's. Oh, cool. Wow. That's awesome. When you guys have sex, do you? That's gotta be difficult. Trader Joe's the Southwest Airlines. Yeah. Well, just if you're trying to lose weight and you've got a partner that works at Trader Joe's, she gets 20% off. That's tricky. They got shrimp burgers. Do they? Burgers made of fucking shrimp. Wow. That's disgusting. Yeah. Think about that. It's disgusting. It's fucking brilliant. I would just use it for the way that it would make my house smell. The potpourri smell in the air of shrimp burgers. Shrimp burgers are amazing. It's the sweet, sweet scent of shrimp burgers. They call that the filet mignon of the sea. Exactly. Right. You ever have a shrimp burger, Mike, from? I was said,

Limpiskin. It's a Lincoln Park. Mike. You get that a lot. You know, I thought they were just tiny burgers. Oh, Mike. What's your last name again, Mike? Shinoda. Shinoda. You know what? I'm going to write that down. You goddamn earned it after that one, Mike. Shinoda. Shrimp burgers, just a tiny burger. You ever have shrimp burgers from Trader Joe's, Dan? No. We actually had salmon burgers yesterday. Oh, yes. Yes. I actually do remember. That is something that I have had from Trader Joe's, specifically. There's only a few things that I really actually remember, and that is one of the things that I regretfully remember. That sounds disgusting. It was good. Yeah. It wasn't that bad. I think I got them a few times, and then all it takes is one that's a little bit off,

and you're like, never again on that. But they just got rid of all the racial brands. No, they took it back. They went back and they were like, no, you know what? Fuck that. Yeah, we're keeping it. It's so weird. Jesus. It's like fucking make up your mind already. Are you afraid or do you have any balls whatsoever? I mean, they even changed even the Italians who are, you know, almost impervious to racism, according to everybody, but they did it. They took down Trader Geotos for a moment. Yeah, but yeah, it was like Trader Ching-Chongs or whatever. Thank you, Argus. They were like, we're stuck here. It's not going to get any better than covering the Trader Joe's racial profiling that they do over there. Is your girlfriend have a least favorite

race? Oh, well, she works in Westwood, so Persians. Oh, yes, of course. Everybody's go to. Even the Persians are like these fucking Persians. Good cats. So good cats. Yeah, terrible rugs. Oh, okay. Yeah. Great. They're very good at like being like genies. Yeah, that's true. I've never seen an Italian almost all the genies are Persians. I've never seen a Persian that looked like Shaq at all. Kazam. Yeah, he's a genie. That was the joke. I'm a drummer for Lincoln Park. What do I know about comedy? A lot of editing in this episode. I know it's I know it looks choppy choppy to you people at home. No, I'm kidding. Dan choppy is actually the new Chinese.

Oh, wow, a true Joel Burke chant. Dan so much fucking fun. Always a pleasure. I mean some unbelievable fucking jokes there, dude. You're so fucking funny. I love that entire stretch of fucking predator. The iPhone, you know, not being able to swipe on the pedophile such a funny original cool take on that. So you have a great brain. It's amazing to watch you over all these years go from being a fledgling antsy heroin addict to a still pretty antsy, a healthy fucking even better joke writer than before. Cool. Thanks so much, man. Great to be here. Thank you, guys. Everybody. Let me hear you.

Don't ever heal. Pauline. What is real? It's it's like the same song every time. Yeah, it really is. It's really, really like the longest possible. Let's go to a regular everyone. This guy. Great joke writer. Great roaster. Real part of, you know, the fucking family here. Unbelievable comedian. Make some noise for David Lucas, everyone. Here we go. Yeah.

I don't understand how there's a national corn coins shortage when Barack Obama did nothing but ask for change. Like, did he not get enough of that shit? What do you need change for a dollar nigga? My grandma got a thousand dollars worth of coins you can borrow. All right. Glad we got Uber. I don't got to get dressed to take girls home no more. That is the best shit ever. But hey, girl, your Uber outside, but it's an Uber pool. You're gonna have to walk to the Taco Bell of the street. But it'll be here in three minutes. Uber literally makes you feel like a prostitute outside, don't it? Waiting for a car that from somebody you don't even know. All right, guys. Thank you.

Wait, no, the thunderous applause. My nigga Tony got a new movie coming out this weekend. Me? Hell yeah. It already came out. That came out. It's already on VHS. Nah, bro. He got a new one called Ocean's 11 inches. Wait, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Because I have 11 inches in my butt. Yeah, you got the game coming out. Come on. I thought your roast was that Tony had a big dick. Yeah, I know. That's what I was thinking, too. I'm like, how'd you know? They start turning into compliments every week. Tony's dick is so big. You can't even fit anything near his booty hole because it's protruding so far. It's true. He thought a giant dildo fell out of my ass. It was just my dick. Nah, bro. For his hump. Oh, come on. Come on, dude. Hump for his hump. Life is like a

box of anus. Life is like a box of booty holes. You never know what kind of dick you're going to get. Oh, what is happening? Jenny. I've never met a man named Jenny. I was always kissing and humping. Forrest, I'm sick. Thanks to our sponsors, Crystal Meth tonight that we uh. This might be the first unreleased episode. This is an emergency. It's so weird that you guys have a bunch of Tom Hanks references when Chester Bennington has been working on a video exposing the child sex abuse in Hollywood. I'm just saying you guys got to be pretty fucking hard. Like I said, unreleased. Your best. Your best. This folks is getting the Ryan J. About drawing. I was going

to be like, Oh, this is the one. This is the 10 Commandments. Maybe we'll release Michael Layers part. Hey, there's a 11 minute episode of kill Tony. I told you what's your homeboy now? What? No, you're not making fun of Brett. No, no, I can't. He opens for Doug. No, go ahead. He's a standup comedian. It doesn't matter. It hurts me. I don't give a fuck. I'm tired. I'm tired of Rosa White people, brother. No, do it. He's the reigning, defending. It doesn't mean it's a roast battle champion. Oh, say whatever you would like. Yeah, go ahead. All right. Hit me first. I'd like to be a counterfeit. Hit you first. You are a nice person. Why would I hit you first? I don't have anything bad to say about you. But if you want

to roast me, go ahead. I look like Adam Slanders. Adam Slander. Oh, my God. That was brutal, bro. I hope I can recover. All right. That's my style of roasted. I'm out of the pocket of roasted. Yeah, way to the fucking crowd is back. Yeah, we need audiences, man. We get an audience. Yeah, can we let 20 people in at least? We got to figure out something soon. You dress nice today. What you do Tony? I'm dressed nice. We got a polo shirt on this is this thing. Oh, I thought you were still talking about me. I mean, you come on. It matches my eyes. You look like a stay at home daddy. Yep. Yeah. And I'm raising alcohol that got a half pipe in the backyard.

I love it. I love that you're wearing a hunting tent today. He's wearing a forest more camo. Tony, get your gay ass out of here, bro. A lot of camo on you. You sell gay pocket watches. Get your ass out of here. I actually do have some for sale. If anybody is interested, I have gay pocket watches. They only have sex with other pocket watches of the same sex. So when I dangle them like that, they just end up like a magnet. Clink. They hook up with other pocket watches. Excuse me, sir. Do you know what time it is? Time for anal. Dick cock. Dick dock. Oh my god. You have a lot of gay jokes. I just try to entertain myself. I love it. No. Do you have a pocket watch? No. What do you have a watch? I got a rolling. I got a rolling

record. My daddy gave you a calorie watch. Yep. Have you? What's your diet been like lately? Any shrimp burgers for you? No, I don't fuck with shrimp like that. I do pretty well, man. You know, I'm still in the positive of dropping pounds during quarantine. Just trying to be under 300 by the end of the year. You feel me? What are you at now? The other day when I weighed out was 335.8 from 376. Damn. I love it. The 335 doesn't sound that bad when you say 376. Right? Wow. 376. What was going on then? Bad habits being on the road every weekend, working at the comments or eating this bullshit every night. Yeah. So it's like it's gonna go back if I don't train my mind and, you know, do more meal

prepping and actually brain shit to work. So I'm not eating that fucking fried cauliflower and french fries every night. Yeah, for sure. Drinking alcohol every night. You know, you know, comedy comedians, we have horrible diets and horrible sleeping habits. It's true. If we allow it to be. I just lost 10 pounds the other day when a dildo fell out of my ass. Sounds about right. It was a very heavy dildo. You lose 130 every time a nigga get off you. Wow. That's a very tiny man. Well, look at Tony. I'm extremely tiny. Hell yeah, bruh. A big nigga breaking my half. Well, I mean, yeah, if we're talking about 375 over here, I'm too big to be on top of another nigga. I don't know. Let's see.

How many you think? Like how you say that, like somebody else will be on top of Tony, you know, like Tony is the bottom bitch. I wouldn't see Tony as being the bottom. I would see like Tony like slowly riding like, you know, like something like that. I'd be on. He'd know he's absolutely right. I was here before the show started. He's definitely a top. I mean, yeah, the people that don't know me, I think would assume that I'm a bottom. And I think the more you know me, the more you realize I would fuck the hell out of your ass. If you know him, yeah, he's a top young rising comedian. That's true. Not a bottom young rising comedian.

Top young is also a Chinese food product from Trader Joe. Kill Tony is no longer for the audience. It's just for us. It really is. What else is going on in your world, David Lucas? Anything else? She started working out. We're reaching some other comedy story guys. I saw that you punching some fucking mitts. I'm knocking it out. Wow. Look at you. You're like Mike Tyson chicken. You hit the oven mitts. That's funny, Joe. Who are you like? Evander Holy?

What the fuck? Evander Booty Holy. There you go. Evander Booty Holy. Yeah. Thank you, Jeremiah, for that alley. George Foreman. Right. George. George just for me. Floyd Gayweather. Floyd Gayweather. That's a good one. Tyson in my fury. Call your booty hole fury. Yeah. Absolutely. Ron Rousey. Not a knockout, but not a TKO, but a total. Boom, boom, man. Sine. What? Yeah, there we go. Not a TKO, but a take my cock out.

What the fuck is that? I gotta know what my close. It must be so good if Michael's yelling back to the room. Roy Bones. Roy Bones, too. Busted dungless or something like that. Oh, yeah. Nutbuster dungless. Oscar De La Boia. Tony, your finishing move will just be biting a nigga in the booty. Oh my God. Come on. Come on. Why would I do that? Finish him. That's my first move is going below the belt. Behind the belt. Yeah. Give him a. Oh my God.

This is just. Oh, I started smoking CBD, bro. That shit is life altering. Really? Oh, yeah. Candy bars and donuts. I started actually smoking candy bars. Nah, bro. I'm on that CBD. What about paying that dog? I got this shit for real. You're peeing? My pain. Peeing. Where my pain? Where my pain? CBD. Hi, bro. I might as well smoke weed. This shit was $40. Really? CBD? I still wonder if you could smoke CBD.

Oh, yeah. I do all the time. It's absolutely incredible. It's very relaxing. Infinite CBD.com is the place to go. Use the promo code killtony. It works. It relaxes me. And then I get a good night's sleep. And, you know, sleep got rough during the pandemic for me. Usually being out until fucking, you know, 2 33 a.m. Having the time of my life drinking. You go home. You sleep like a fucking baby to the next day.

Then when this thing kicked in, I mean, my entire, you know, just schedule changed completely. So, you know, I would go to bed exhausted at the end of a late night back in the day. So now to help me go to sleep infinite CBD.com promo code killtony save 20%. Red band just refuses to believe you can smoke anything outside of food. No, I just think I just think that certain things I always wonder if there's any science to if you can smoke CBD or if you could smoke certain things. You're saying you prefer to eat CBD or use it in the cream form?

Exactly. What cream cheese for? Sure. So you agree that it works there, but you just don't prefer to smoke it? No, no, I just don't know like the science behind it. Like as an example, somebody said, you know, they used to always say, oh, I smoke acid. I put a little acid on my weed before I smoke. And I'm like, yeah, that doesn't work. The fire would just burn the acid.

You know what I mean? Shit like that. If it's as effective as I would say it's more effective, bro, because like I do, I've been doing like CBD drinks and shit and like CBD mints and like the edible CBDs and the smoking hits me faster and put me to sleep like in 20 minutes. Yeah, that's awesome. You have a sleep apnea machine yet? No, I don't got that shit though. I still got a skinny neck.

Look at my neck and red band neck. See, it's different. What's different about it? He got the turkey shit. Like when he leaned down, you know, the gobble, gobble. I don't know. Is that the noise that Turkey makes? Is that a chicken?

My neck ain't that big to be a big dude, bro. That's where it's at. You got to look at the circumference of the neck. Whoa, somebody learned the words circumference this week. Immaculation proclamation. Yeah, masturbation proclamation on that ass. All right. Well, this is fun.

All right, David, thank you so much. All right, I appreciate it, man. Yeah, yeah. David Luke is funny on all social media. Yes, it's my favorite Lincoln Park jam right there. Good thing. Good thing you like that one. Because I think you might hear more of it tonight.

All right, this is a new name. Urubee Augmentor. Go find Urubee. Everything you say to me. Here he is. Urubee Augmentor. Doesn't matter, ladies and gentlemen. Urubee Augmenta.

After going, everybody, my name is Urubee. I've been getting screwed up with that name for years. It went from Urubee to Uruguay. All the way to Uruguay. How the hell did I become an app? If you ever request me on Ubergate, come to your front door looking like a life-sized Buddha. I know I look like a beluga whale.

Don't worry about it. Because I'm 300 pounds a month, so I'm 2% fat. I'm telling you, man. I used to work at Platinum Fitness. And it was supposed to be a judgment-free zone. And I used to get a judge all the time to the point like some guy came up to me. How the hell are you fat and you work at a gym?

How the hell are you fat and you work out at a gym? Ah, I'm so nervous today. Ah, but I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to be here. Is that a minute? Oh, shit. OK, OK. I got more jokes.

I know they're up there in my head. I'm a telegic guy. I'm not the only guy that's on drugs. I'm good. Urubee Augmenta. Because I'm about to break. Because I'm about to. Augmenta's?

Augmenta. Augmenta. Your zipper is way down. I don't know if I just gave up or. Oh my goodness. I thought you were going to say I used to work at Planet Fitness. I was the planet. I was actually the mascot.

Were you? Yeah. What does that mean? I'm pizza Monday. What? I'm pizza Monday. They used to serve pizza on Monday. So I was a fat mascot.

Really? Hell yeah. So what does that mean? What do they have you do? Just stand there and be like, hey, this is why you want to keep coming here, people. You don't want to look like me. Wait, they would give out pizza at your gym on Mondays?

Yeah, every first Monday. Uh-oh, first time Red Bandits wanted a gym at the gym. I work out once a week. What is the exact address of this gym? That doesn't make sense. That seems like a whole lot of work. I only work out on Mondays now. You guys have electric bikes?

Why would they do that? That seems like an awful idea, especially people that have really horrible diets where they're trying keto or something and you just come to your gym and there's pizza everywhere. Let's check in with Mike Shinoda real quick. If Red Bandit signed up for Planet Fitness, he's got to make sure they got electric bikes.

He's riding his e-bike in place. Just letting the pedals work. Over and over again. This show is starting to become the same jokes every single week. Because he's one step closer to the fridge and he's about to break. Okay, we have more e-bike jokes, booty hole jokes, dildo jokes, fat jokes.

I mean, it's the same shit every week. It's like not even funny anymore. This episode, it's just crashing and burning because it's like a fucking repeat. Oh, go ahead, hit that button of I love you. No, that's still horrible. I'm like, that happened three weeks ago. Fat lives matter.

So why do they do that though? Hello. We'll just turn down his mic. Oh my God. It's basically telling them you guys worked out for the whole month here's pizza. Oh my God. That's a bad idea.

It really is a bad idea. Well, that'd be like not selling cigarettes because people are addicted to that. It should be up to the person or not. They want to eat it or not. No, but also when you walk in the gym and you smell pizza and you're like, oh my God, what the fuck, you know? A picture of the smell of pizza.

Brian, as right as you are about all of this, you just can't say anything you're saying right now. You talking about pizza at a gym is a... I mean, come on. I'm saying if you're on a strict diet. You're totally right. It's a terrible idea. If you're on a strict diet, you walk into your gym,

the one place that you're like, you know what, I have to make myself do this. And you smell pizza. Yeah, that is wrong. To be fair, Red Band's brother is Red Baron. Pizza jokes. That's a Saudi make 25's to pizza. That's the last word of a name.

I mean, it is pretty close. Red Baron is a famous tip. I know. I used to have that as my avatar on Twitter for like two years. So it's like that hacky. Oh yeah. It's super hacky to make a Red Band Red Baron joke. You didn't look at his Twitter avatar for two years.

Believe me though. I'm like, she know it. It is crazy. Pizza to gym. It's like having an open bar outside of an AA meeting. We're a lot of people that we're trying to be strong. Would they look at you and be like, hey man, can I get some of the pizza?

Hell yeah. All the time, right? All the time, baby. I mean, it's actually, if you think about it, it's actually pretty smart, right? You tempt them with pizza. They eat the pizza, then they have to keep them. They feel bad.

They have to come back. Right. If you only pizza once a week, you can't. Horrible. You know, it's hard to lose weight. Didn't they go out of business? Planned a film. No, they're still going.

Did they pay you to be the mascot there? Or was that like a free, just for the pizza? Just for the pizza. Oh my goodness. Did you just show up with pizza and thought you worked at Planet Fitness? No, I actually did. I actually did.

You did? Yeah. What did you do there? So basically Tool Guide. Sell gym membership. Tool Guide? Yeah. Tim Allen over here?

Tor, Tor, Tor. Oh, Tor Guide. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said Tool Guide. This is the pizza oven? No, it's Domino's. The Tor Guide. They had you show people around.

Yeah, around the gym. Why do you think they picked you for that? These are the rowing machines. Pull-up bars. I don't know. Look at me. I look intelligent. What does that name mean?

Urube Agmentara. Tobanes, I don't even know. I just got it from my older brother. Are you Samoan? No, everybody thinks I'm Samoan. I'm actually Mexican. Really? Yeah.

Do you think Samoans find that offensive? Probably. Maybe. I get Samoan all the time. Yeah, you look like a Samoan. Yeah. You're shaped like a Samoan. But Samoan's just looking and you're like,

no, that's a fan Mexican. Pretty much. And the Mexicans are like, you're Filipino, dude. We just were. You still work at Planet Fitness? No. I was working at Universal Studios. Universal Studios?

Yeah. So you work at everywhere with a globe? I actually work for sanitation at night after the park closes. But what do you do exactly? Clean. What do you clean? I usually host down the floors after customers already have dirty floors, clean out the tables and all that.

You know, I got my shower snake today. I had a little clog in my shower and David Lucas joke. Yeah. And a bunch of dildos came out now. And they found deep down there, I'm like, what was it? And the guy's like, you had roots. And I'm like, what? You know about this?

Yeah, that same thing happened to Rogan. Rogan had a. Would you say a branch that was like 86 feet tall? This guy showed me he's like, yeah, you gotta see it. I'm like, what? And there's like a big ass fucking, you know, he has like this work tray. And look, and it's fucking unbelievable. I'm like, how did that?

I was asking him like, and I'm by the I'm also trying to like retrace every crazy night I've had for the last few months. Did I eat a tree? Right. Did I fucking did I come with? Did I like get wrapped up in something while golfing and just like not notice that it was all over me? But I guess it's like deep and plumbing. You ever see what was that? Tony Apple seed.

Yeah, that's me. That's what that's what everybody in my neighborhood's been calling me ever since the plumber is like later Tony Apple seed. That's another hot edit right there. Just lining them up. 155 25. You can just write and then write all the times next to it. Right. That's what the 155 is.

155 references. You guys want to do it. The gay spelling the dildo D I L D O and dildo was his name. That's it. Tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you. Any special skills or talents? You seem like a somersault universal champion or something like that to be a kickboxer. Really?

Can you can we get that's exactly what the shit looked like? That's fucking crazy. It's a DVD of the movie roots. That's wild. Okay, we need to we need some kickboxing music, Brian, because we are about to see this man. Move the mic stand out of the way. Just move it because we want you to sort of be in that position. Feel free to zoom in a little bit.

Get his feet and his head in there, David. Here we go. Yeah, keep going. Keep going. Don't stop. Wow, short stingers here on this one. Fine. Fine.

Listen, we got a lot of music if you want us to play something. We got like eight songs we learned. It's good. That was really good. That was awesome, man. Did you ever kickbox anyone else? No, he said kicks. He said kicks boxes, the cereal.

I got disqualified in my first match. Why? What? Getting the legal kick in the shin. Too low. Every kick a Mexican does is an illegal one. Tell me about Uruguay. Hold on.

Let me um it's Uruguay Motay. Uruguay Elemento Motay. What? Your name? Yeah, put my name. That's the only way you could find it. Oh, you're going to look it up? Honestly, no.

No, just show us. Just show us. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, here you go. Oh, I see why that's illegal because that can kick a knee in backwards. Yeah, my whole point was to kick them, throw them back, and then kick them with my left and the head. Jesus Christ, dude.

What's the highest you can kick? Just curious. It's been a while, honestly. Yeah, it's been a while. Like the highest I was able to kick up to here. Can we just get a little example of how high you can kick? Yeah. Yeah, go right ahead.

Whoa, man. Look at that. My goodness gracious. Wow. I don't know. I think Red Band could probably top that. No, you don't. I think Michael Lehrer could top that.

Oh, he's smoking. All right. Urube, say your last name again. Sexy name you got there. It's like a 50s novelty song. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Thank you. There he is.

Urube, Aramenta. Take it one step closer to the edge. You're not about to break. So one step closer to the edge. You're not about to break. You steer with a spin out like this? Oh, yeah. This is going to be one of the people at home's favorite episode.

Guys, I don't want to break anything, but we actually have Danny Brown here right now. Danny Brown, come on up. Urube, Aramenta. I either used to be a guy on my local news. Maybe he was a regional. Maybe you had him too. You remember a guy named a newscaster named Odei Aduma?

No. I think it was maybe just a local news Youngstown thing. But we both had Mr. Food, right? We talked about this. Oh, it's so good. He would cook something. You had him too, Colette? That's crazy.

You had him in Georgia? Really? Yeah, I think it was the syndication. Ooh, it's so good. And you had the chef's hat. Yeah, and the clown. There was also a clown, like a midnight movie clown. We had a local guy in Youngstown named Odei Aduma.

And at the end of all of his things, he would go, and I am Odei Aduma. And I would do impressions of him when I was a little kid. That sounded just like him. And I am Odei Aduma. Cool name. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen.

Wow, Odei Aduma. What are the odds? What are the odds? Ladies and gentlemen, if the band wants to play, you can play until this person gets to the mic. It is Reagan Warner. You want to grab Reagan Warner. I don't know how I got this way.

I know it's not all right. One more time for Reagan. I know it's not all right. One more time for Reagan Warner. Hello. So I just moved out here to LA from Minneapolis, had to get a new car because it's a big driving city around here. Good thing the dealership had a fire sale.

I mean, better that I take it than it burns. So what I've noticed is the women out here in LA are gorgeous. Either they're Instagram models or Victoria's Secret models. You know, I'm not really the same thing. It's either like no pain or no gain or like kind of puke. But you know, you got to respect it because that's a commitment. But what I've noticed is Victoria's Secret is a lot like the Catholic Church. You know, they put up these unrealistic expectations and they also like traffic kids.

So I just found out from my dad that he is diagnosed with cancer. Okay, I was peeing during a lot of that. Your dad has cancer. Strong clothes. Yes. Strong clothes. It's exciting. What kind of cancer does he have?

He has some type of lung cancer. Oh, that's one of the worst kinds you can have. I know this is a former long time cigarette smoker. I've done a lot of Googling about the old LC as we call it. Was your father a cigarette smoker? He's a big cigar smoker. Wow. Does he inhale?

No, I am very. He's had cancer for he's diagnosed five years ago. He's got cancer longer than Trump's been in office. Wow. But he told me last week. Man, maybe he'll have four more years of cancer. Wait, he didn't tell you till last week, but he's had it for five years. Wow.

Why do you think he didn't tell you? Did he give you a reason? That's just my dad. I don't know. That's how to explain that. He just doesn't, you know, he just surprises you with stuff like that. I love that you measure five years as in longer than Trump's been in office. Let him talk.

Okay, Mr. President, I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. So what's his current condition? He's had it for five years. How's he doing? What's happening over there?

Well, he also has this immune deficiency, so he has to get like. Fantastic. Oh, I wasn't talking about you, Mr. President. But I mean, you can answer any of these questions that you actually want. Nope. Oh, come on. Come on, Mr. President. I mean, no.

Okay. Why are you arguing with me? We have to get along. We have to get along. I'm sorry. We really do have to get going. Literally pointing to the responses you want. And it didn't even say what it was supposed to say.

Even this fucking soundboard tonight. It says we have to get along. We really do have to get going. It doesn't exist. Trump is finally right. Wait, so let me get this right. Even the people on the patio right now, they're not actually watching this. No, no, no, no.

God, they're enjoying their chicken tenders. I was so confused because it says. No more names in the bucket. And I was like, what? And nobody here is filming this. I'm actually, I've been on live this whole time. Instagram live. Well, as long as it's your live and not anybody.

I'm the drummer for Lincoln Park, dude. Like like 80 million followers. Yeah. I thought here I thought we had a good bit going. I was conversing with Trump. We were going to get out on a big laugh. But on an episode like this, it makes sense. You know, but I guess it's not going to happen.

Right, Mr. President. I don't think it's going to happen. That's that's how good I thought the bit was going to be. But instead, this thing's running like the goddamn Mexican government. We can't do anything right. The Mexican government. Oh, we just can't win today, Mr. President. We don't win anymore.

This is so stupid. This is so stupid. But it's my favorite part of the show tonight. We used to have victories. We don't have victories anymore. Everything was so good. All right. Oh, the old, you know, Trump leaves when you hit a jungle bed.

Okay, Reagan. Yes. Reagan Warner. Wartner. Are you named after Ronald Reagan? Are you named after Reagan and Watkins? R.W. first name Reagan. Last name.

What is it? Well, Wartner. Wartner. With a T, like a wart. That's like they're like three. These are like three letters away from being Reagan and Watkins. Have you ever heard of Reagan and Watkins? No.

Yes. China. So tell us more about you, Reagan. What was that drama from? I was Trump. He said China. Oh, okay. All right.

So I don't know. I guess I just moved out here. You seem like you've ridden a unicycle before. Am I right? From Minneapolis. You know, you seem like the kind of guy that closes the refrigerator with your hip. I am that guy. Is that true?

I definitely hip chip every drawer. Wow. Hello. That's pretty, pretty fucking great. I'm still five percent what I used to be. Oh, and if I gain weight, all of it goes straight to this ass. So. Oh my goodness.

There's some power behind that. Well, Jesus, there's going to be more roots in my shower drain. Oh, I got roots in my shower. There's a root in my shower drain. Okay. Red band. That's insensitive. That was actually Chester's last words.

There's a root in my water drain. No, he farted after he lost all of his bodily functions. Is that true, Chester? Do you fart? What an embarrassing thing to happen. Like imagine you actually be being aware that you're dying and you like there's people like your whole family's there and you're like, I'm so happy you're all here by my side. That would be the best exit.

Because your tombstone would have to say that. Well, let's go through this fart board and figure out which would be. Terry, Neil, fart, Lisa. Let's figure out the worst fart for when you die. So this is my nominee. This is Red Band's dream episode. Look at how much fun we're having. You have to have some good, you have to hit it after I say some last words.

I'm just so grateful that I'm just so grateful that you're all here with me. It's got to be someone saying to you like, grandpa, grandpa, the whole family's here. We're all here. We just we just want you to we all love you. We just you want to hear the last thing. Well, I just want to let you know that I love you. Oh, there's something I never told you guys before I die. Oh, tell tell your mother that I.

What's up? We're linking far. Oh, wait, before I pass, son, are you there? Jesus. Yeah, that was me. That was me, grandpa. Red Band doesn't really understand the bit that I'm trying to do here at all. It's supposed to be after that.

It's excited. I could make my fart noises. Fun fact about Red Band's fart board is that he recorded them all himself. Those are all the actual parts. Seriously, let's have to turn to the left. Shout out to Wendy's. Yeah, shout out to the chili over at Wendy's chili and crackers. Reagan, what's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your mouth?

Tonight or any time. Chicken brain. Oh, chicken brain. Wow. Did you like it? I had pigs brain before I hated the texture of it. It tastes like a slime like you're slurping up. Yeah, really.

Where do we chicken brain at? China. Really? Is that true? That is very true. Yep. Oh my goodness. We don't beat China in trade.

Whoa, the president's here again. My goodness. Welcome back, Mr. President. Is there anything else that you'd like to say? What I say is what I say. Oh, wow. That's an interesting way to put it. I mean, where are you right now, Mr. President?

We have people in Washington that don't know what they're doing. It's so fun. It's crazy. Hey, what's your favorite episode of Kill Tony, Mr. President? 240. OK. That was a good one. Now we got to see what 240 is.

Yeah, let's look it up. Kill Tony, episode 240. This is fun. This is loose. Russell Peters is a big Russell Peters fan. Oh, look at that. It's surprising since Russell Peters is technically an immigrant from like six different countries.

He's a Canadian Arab. What do you think? What do you think his ethnicity is, President Trump? China. Really? Wow. My goodness gracious. Sorry about this.

We're having fun today. Yeah, now we're having fun. We've made a conscious decision to have fun one hour and 40 minutes into the episode. What else about you, Reagan? You seem like you definitely have special skills. I mean, you are a man, a jack of many trades. I know it for a fact.

Some magic tricks in your past. No, I'm a skydiver, though. So that's kind of cool. Oh my goodness gracious. Professional faller. Yeah, basically. Yeah. I'm a stupid sport when you think about it.

What else? What else other than skydiving? I'm not a skydiving guy in my older brother. What do you mean? What else? That's fascinating. How many jumps have you done? Jumping out of a plane.

It's so weird. 47? 47 jumps. Wow. That's a lot of jumps. Any close calls? You ever hit a bird or something? How do you think he ate the chicken brains?

There was a chicken up there. Had a malfunctioning parachute one time. Oh, fuck. Whoa. The backup worked. Well, no, this one is like... No, he's actually dead right now. And it opened up better.

You did what? So the line's going to get twisted around in a circle. Like a swing. And you just got to pull them apart before you fall fast. My dad's friend happened. First one didn't work, so the backup went. And then the backup line in the... Yeah, she's dead.

Oh, she died? Wow. The day before. Hello, my lines. My lines are tied. I'm in big fucking trouble. Somebody help me. Oh, my God.

Why would there be a phone call? There would not be an antique phone in the sky. Oh, a cell phone. Okay, there you go. It's a robot fart. Craziest sexual experience of your life, Reagan Wartner. Something happened, maybe with your butt. Head is girl.

He was falling through the air. The lines got tangled. The weirdest experience is there's this chick that I had a thing with, but she had a boyfriend the whole time, but her boyfriend would drive and drop her off at my house. Like he would even come and hang out with us, but then he found out. But instead of not dropping her off,

he just stopped hanging out with us. Oh, yeah, no shit. So that was pretty fun. Wow, so you're a piece of shit. Wait a minute. Now I remember you. You son of a bitch, Reagan. How long were you banging this girl for?

Four months. Would you banger while he was still in that place? No, not if he was in the place. Sometimes you all would all hang out with each other. Yeah, and then we'd go to the parties and you know, and then you know, you just disappear a little bit. Oh my God. So you would meet up in like a bathroom or something?

I mean, I guess it wasn't really that discreet. You're an awful person. I agree. No, I mean, you know. Look, Minneapolis was wild, man. Is that where you were? It's a wild town. Is that in Minneapolis?

That was in St. Cloud right next to Minneapolis. Oh my goodness. Oh, a skydiver in St. Cloud. Who'd have thought? So jumping out of a plane wasn't enough adrenaline. You had to fuck someone's girlfriend. The girlfriend fucking became first before the skydiver. Wait, girlfriend what?

The girlfriend fucking came first before the skydiver. Oh, that was your gateway drug? Yeah. You know, gotta work up a little bit. Then it's Mountain Dew. Well, Reagan, thank you so much for coming on this show. This was a lot of fun, fun interview. Reagan Wartner, everybody.

Reagan Wartner. Let me hear you. Flashing like, and then this happened. There's going to be more, I don't know. Maybe we should just go right to William. I don't know, maybe. You know what? Let's get a, we haven't had a, we haven't had a lady here tonight.

And so you're going to grab this one for us. Go yell China from the back door. Here comes China. All right, here's China, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. So when I was little, I didn't really like to finish my dinner like most kids. And so my dad would plug my nose and force feed me to eat. So now as an adult, when I'm having sex, I really like it when it got shoved mashed potatoes

down my throat and then I spit it out in his face. I'm from the East Coast and in, sorry, I'm from the East Coast and over there I'm like maybe a seven or an eight depending on what city I'm in. But in LA, I'm like a three and when I'm out at a bar and I feel like really cute and good about myself, like a six foot tall big breasted blonde and Amazonian model comes in. And then I slowly transform into Quasimodo and I just, can I finish? I just grab the closest guy next to me and I'm like, come with me to my bell tower. Why does it feel like night today?

Something here is not right today. China. China. That is China. Absolutely. Hi, China. Hi. Welcome to the show.

How long have you been doing standup comedy for? For maybe two years. Okay, where at? I've done it at open mics at random bars and the ha ha. Okay, so you've been in LA the whole time? Yeah, just LA. Is this where you're from? No, I'm from Connecticut.

How long have you been in LA? It'll be nine years on the 22nd. Oh, wow. What made you move out here nine years ago? I went to school out here and then I just stayed. You see LA? No, I went to the New York Film Academy. Okay.

You didn't want to go to the one in New York? No, they didn't take the GI bill. So I had to go to LA. Oh, you're a troop? No, my dad is a Vietnam veteran. So he's like disabled. So I got my... That's why you would shove your face in the food.

And rough those Vietnam vests. He was like, you gotta eat all that shit. You gotta crawl into those greens. Wow, is he still alive? Actually, he passed away two years ago. From what? He had a lung infection. Right when you started doing stand-up comedy.

I did, yeah. There you go. That's a good way to escape from the sadness of your father passing. He loved comedies. Aw, isn't that sweet. How'd you get the name China? Okay, so... I'm gonna hate this bitch just like I hate China.

Let's name her China. It's Vietnam. China. If she was a boy, she would have been named Charlie. Trump, what do you think about... President Trump, while you're here, what do you think about naming a girl China? Do you think that's a good idea or a not very good idea?

Then there's something wrong with you. You're certainly not very good. Oh my goodness. Wow, that is not exactly what I thought you were going to say there. That's not exactly what I was pointing to. What were we just talking about? Your name, China. Why are you named China?

I was actually adopted when I was four. My biological mom named me China after the banned Jefferson airplane. Oh, I thought it was gonna be after the ban Asia. But why would your mom... What? Drugs, I don't know. I mean, that's just not... That's just a word.

You heard of Elon Musk's kid's name. Yes, but if you're named after Jefferson airplane, why China? The lead singer, Grace Lyck, named her daughter China. Oh, so you're named after Grace Lyck. I think it's a pretty cool name. Grace Lyck has a daughter named God with a lowercase g. So he could have been God. Grace Lyck.

Oh, wow. You know a lot about... I know a lot about Jefferson airplane. That's why when China said this shit, I got a little bit on edge. My goodness gracious. Wow. Could have been Alice either, too. That's one of their songs.

Any crazy things that were happening to you because your name's China? No, but people usually joke and call me China White. Oh, because you do drugs? No, they usually do drugs. They'll be like, you know, China White. You hang out with a lot of people that do serious drugs? I have in the past, hanging out with people like that. Did you ever do serious drugs?

By accident. How did that happen? Well, I was at this girl's house and she just started like breaking up this white stuff and I was 18 and I've done... I had done Coke before and I didn't ask and I thought it was Coke. And so she just handed it to me. I snorted it and then like a week or two goes by, but I had a really bad time after I did that.

And I was like, what was that? And she was... I was like, was that crack? Like did I do crack? And she was like, I don't do crack. That was meth. And I was like, what? Like I did meth.

Like I was freaked out. Most Coke is cut with meth nowadays. That's crazy. Yeah, it's pretty much the same. I don't do stuff like that anymore and I would ask first. What do you do now? What do you do now for fun? I just smoke weed and I did mushrooms last month in Oregon, which was nice.

What do you do for a job? I work at Firehouse Subs. I love Firehouse Subs. I was here when that guy quit and wanted a job and we were like, Firehouse Subs, we'll hire you. Insert restaurant here. So you don't kill yourself. Have you guys ever thought about giving out your subs at a gym?

They have good Italian. Udabay? Have you ever had Firehouse Subs? Nope. I am very loyal to Vitos. I had their egg plant Parmesan this week and a baked Zeta. I mean, I'm so addicted. It's absolutely crazy.

Our friend Charlie, who brings Vitos Pizza for these episodes, has completely changed my dietary habits back to like I'm living with my mother again, which is very exciting. A lot, I mean, a lot of pasta going on right now. I love pasta. Indeed. You can't hate pasta. Brett, what's your favorite kind of pasta?

You could have been named Pasta. Okay. That's also a Jefferson Airplane song. You don't know Pasta? No, I didn't know that song. It's Killer. President Trump, what's your favorite kind of pasta while we have you here? He was back there.

What's your favorite kind of pasta? What's the most pasta you've ever eaten? Nine billion, two hundred and forty million. That's also my favorite kind of pasta. Is that just two? Two? What's another number that you know? 1978.

Do you know any other numbers? Two thousand three hundred. Okay. That must be all the numbers you know, though. Two hundred and forty. Oh, that's your favorite Kill Tony episode. What else? Eight billion seven hundred and thirty seven million five hundred and forty thousand dollars.

You're out of control, President Trump. One point three trillion dollars. Don't believe the five point six. What is he talking about? He's talking about all the percentage that Firehouse Subs donates to the firemen across the United States. The first responders. First responders and stuff.

That's a very nice thing. How long have you been working there for? Almost. Hold on. I'm sorry to cut you off. Let's go back to that question. I got to check in with Mike Shinoda. Doesn't she kind of look like a female Chester?

Like hard on the outside, but inside like fragile like China. That is right. Are you a Lincoln Park fan? You see I love Lincoln Park. They're my first if you could say anything to the late great Chester Bennington right now. What would it be? I'd be like, I'm sorry that you had to kill yourself. That sucks.

Jesus, what were you the one that sold him the rope? Oh my goodness gracious. Why would you apologize? What a fan to sell him the rope. Hey, go. I also need five dollars for this. I'm sure you won't kill yourself with this rope. Chester, what do you think about this young lady apologizing for your suicide?

It's cool. All right. What's something shocking about you that we would be surprised to know about you, China? Something fun about your life's history or maybe a skill or a talent that you have? You have a hobby? I don't know. Like Red Band here can walk on his hands. Okay.

To any firehouse subs. Kind of. I could kind of stand on my head. You can stand on your head. Really? Is that true? Would you be willing? Well, there's sort of looks like a hazard over there.

Would you be willing to try? I could try. Oh my goodness. How many of you think we should have China stand on her head? This is amazing. This is what the shows come to. I thought that Udabay's high kicks were going to be the highlight. Welcome to tonight's episode of Kill Tony.

Here we go. This is. No, not that. Play anything else. Wow. Yeah. Wow. She kind of stood on her head.

That was impressive. That was incredible. What's your favorite Lincoln Park song? Crawling. Wow. I see more as a spinner. You guys have you guys. You have another favorite.

No, we have that one. You have that one? Oh, here. Do you sing with us? You want to sing a Lincoln Park song with them? Sure. Sure. It's all going to be edited out anyway.

Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. Good. Wow. Let me hear it. All right, all right. That's it now.

That's it. I tried so hard. China, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you guys. This is fun. Thank you. Have a great night. There goes China, everybody.

Our first time on Kyltony. Has anyone ever stood on their head on your show before? Has anyone ever stood on their head on Kyltony? No, that's a first. That's a first. It's a breakthrough episode. It really is a lot of firsts tonight. My thoughts and surname was China.

Brian was going to invite her to the ice house. From the rice house to the ice house. Welcome to China, China to the stage. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. All the chaos, all the insanity. There's only one guy that could put the cherry on top of a cupcake like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, he is the big red machine, the one, the only, the great William Montgomery. Here he is. Praise you, Fred. If someone like Nike comes out with a mask, yeah, we ain't getting a vaccine. This is probably one of my best jokes next. I think a fun sketch would be if I moved to Saudi Arabia,

became real popular, ran for political office, just was having a good time. My first party where I'm trying to get money from donors, I invite them in my front door and I'm like, hey, go to the backyard, I'm crucifying someone. Australian hipsters be like, I miss the old Zealand. Hey, red man, if you're going to be the best man in my wedding, you're going to have to start believing in Jesus.

All right. Okay. Okay. There you go. We can always just close if you don't have anything left. I want to say, I want to say, I get lost in the nothing. Is this true that you're going to be the best man at his wedding?

No, but I do appreciate that this is the first time I think all of us have seen William do a set completely sober. That is impressive. This is the first time. Wow. Never again, huh? Never again.

What's going on, William? This is very exciting. I don't know. What's changed in your life this week? I don't know. I just think it dawned on me that I probably will die soon. Yeah, what made you think that? Do you see something in your people?

No, just generally speaking, I started having premonitions of my death. I started haunting his house. Yeah, seriously. I started thinking I'll probably die soon. What type of premonitions did you have? Describe them a little bit more for us. I don't know.

I just pictured myself. Because we've been having premonitions about your death for like a year. Yeah, no, it just sort of hit me. So we'll see. Hopefully maybe I can stay strong. How long has it been? How long have you been sober for? One day?

I got real drunk last night. How about before that? I got drunk as hell last night. How about before that? Were you on a little street? I don't know. Wednesday, maybe? The Wednesday before, maybe?

Oh, OK. So you took a few days off drinking at the end of last week? Correct. Yeah, normally it's, I don't know, two or three times a week, but I go pretty hard. Well, that's absolutely not. Two or three times a week for two or three days at a time. Yeah, it can be that for sure.

And he goes hard, though. Like, he'll drink like a whole bottle of vodka, not like just a lot of vodka. Yeah, you have what we call a problem. Correct. But I think that's true. Do you feel good? How's this for you tonight?

How do you feel? I love it. You seem way more with it. Yeah, you're very present. And not screaming at us. Right, right. That was starting to happen a lot recently. A lot, a lot.

I was just angry and screaming at y'all. I know, I know. That was starting to happen a lot. Yeah. And you were also screaming at employees. You called one of the nicest women here a bitch. I know when we talked today, I think it's all right. You called the sound guy a bitch, I believe last week.

He is a bitch. No. I don't like that motherfucker. He is a bitch. No. And David, what about David Deerey? You were calling him the F word last week. What do you think about it?

Yeah, is what I don't like him either. Oh my goodness, David. He gives me the least we know what he really means now. Just look at him. Oh, look at that. We're zooming in on that crotch. Can you lift up the shirt for us? I'm worried my little thing's going to pop out.

Oh, you are wearing the same shorts. See, I can feel my peeve. Still have not fixed the shorts, huh? What is going on? Do we have to just one step at a time? Do we just have to pick by you a pair? Why is that bruise on your stomach? Oh, what the fuck?

It's like your alcoholism is like your fourth worst problem. Is your lean back? Lean back. Yeah, lean back. Get in the sun. Yeah, you have a bruise on your stomach. Lift your shirt up and don't bend over. This is like when they find cancer on a newscaster.

Yeah, right. Zoom in on that, David. No, William, listen to me. Take direction. No, the other way. William, listen to what I'm telling you. Turn your hips that way. Stop, stop, and don't move again now.

OK. There you go. Now, zoom in on that, David. It's as far in as we can go. But that's a legit bruise. Yeah, you're bleeding from the inside. Where is it? It's that bruise, right?

Your red band's going to come to a point to it. Circle it. You want a Sharpie? Here's a Sharpie. Circle it. He could have just closed the fridge with his stomach. Is that a Nazi symbol you just drew on me? China.

You drew a swastika on me? All right, David. Go back up to his face. Let's see. Do you know how you got that bruise? Any idea? Yeah, I bumped into a table. That's them.

Oh, Jesus. Are you getting abused by your husband, William? I bumped into a table. Do you call your girlfriend table? I bumped into a table. There's nothing to do with that. An unstable relationship. Do you know what really happened?

Yeah, I bumped into a table. What happened, William? Tell us. This is a compelling episode of Kill Tell Me. We want to know. You could be honest with us here. We're your family. We're your real family now.

Your other family doesn't exist. We've taken them all hostage. Chris, help me. Chris, help me. Chris, who? Chris, help me. Is that Chris? His name's Brad, dude.

You're referring to Brad. Brad, help me. What's up, William? It's Brad. What's up? You want a riff? No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I was drunk and I bumped into a table.

Oh, now we're getting a little bit more. You were drunk and you bumped into a table. Yep. Then what happened? Because tables, William, I'm just going to be honest with you. Honestly, I don't remember. I don't remember. Wow.

Yeah. Do you think the bump on your stomach has anything to do with your new found reasoning to stop drinking? Could be. Jesus, I want to see what the fuck happened last night. Shit's getting serious. Yeah, it's kind of weird.

You got this little glare in your eyes. Yes, that same bug on his forehead from last episode. There's a bug. All right. Well, yeah. So William, what else has been happening this time? Have you been looking for a job again? I have not, but I need a job because I can't get

on the unemployment. I haven't been able to hear from the unemployment people. Well, did you reach out to them or do you think they're just going to contact you? I have been calling them. I can't get through. You've been calling them? Yep.

Yeah. Is that a joke? No, no, no, no. That's all. Well, I did it online. I've already applied for it and everything. I just haven't heard back. When did you apply?

A month ago. I've gotten a payment. I got 1700 bucks, but that was like a month ago. So I'm worried because I haven't gotten another payment. You have to certify for your weeks online. They send you an email. That was like a backpacing. You're going to have to believe it or not, William.

You're going to have to do something to get that. Right. I agree. I got to figure it out. How exactly are you going to figure it out? You got to figure it out. What do you think is going to happen? You think the unemployment fairies just going to show up

while you're sleeping and put it? I don't know. I got to figure it out. All right. I just want to add that as Mike Shinoda, I know Jesse in the band, and William also called her a bitch many times. Oh, that's right.

You called my girlfriend an Oriental Fag. I stand behind that. This is an intervention right now, William. It sounds like it. Is there anyone else here that would like to say something? Ryan Jay? We've always gotten along pretty good. Is there anybody else who would like to?

Oh, Keel has his hand up. Keel, go ahead. Yeah, first time. Wow. You made someone buy you a beer, and then you call them a bitch. Yep. I can tell you this.

I can tell you this. I've had probably 10 to 12 conversations with William. I promise you, he does not know my name. What is his name? That is beautiful. That was a work of art. You are clearly correct. He definitely does not know your name.

He's like, I'm just going to skate through this. Cheers, brother. Nice to see you again. This is adorable. Sober William is like the nicest, greatest fucking most like. It's incredible how good of a human being there is underneath that fucking drunk bean. You have one of the widest ranges of good guy, bad guy

between not drinking and drinking. It's hard for me to interview this guy because I'm not used to it. I don't even know what to do. I hear you. That's every alcoholic that knows he is not actually going to be able to make a change. I hear you.

Go ahead, Mike Shinoda. When he's sober, can we call him William Recovery? And that's tonight's episode, everybody. Good job, William. Good luck. William Montgomery. Rude him on on social media. Cheer him on for his recovery, William Recovery.

Hopefully it's a while until we see William Montgomery. We like William Recovery. Let's check out that drawing from the great Ryan Jebel while you all sat there doing nothing tonight. He drew that. Look at that. Yeah. Look at that.

Oh, hell yeah. Wow. That is so fucking cool. The Corvette, the middle finger, the cat, the animals. William's bruise. William's bruise made it in there. Little black and blue spot there. That is awesome, Ryan Jay.

All those prints are available. Ryanjebel.com. He auctions things off. Everything's for sale. Every episode has a print. Every road show has a print. The great Brett Erickson was with us all night. Thank you, Tony.

Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure. Tell them where they can find you, Brett. You can find me at iBrettMyPants. On Twitter. Whoa. And the podcast again? Issues with Andy.

Issues with Andy. Thank you so much for joining us, Brett. Thanks for having me. I had fun. The great Jeremiah Watkins was Chester Bennington tonight. Tell us about the projects you're doing, Jeremiah. Jeremiah Wonders doing some really cool stuff over there. That's at youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins.

Would love to subscribe. And Venmo at Jeremiah-Watkins. Thanks, guys, for the support. There you go. There it is. The Mike Shinoda, everybody. Believe it or not, I'm just figuring it out right now. But I do believe Mike Shinoda was actually

the Jetsky Jesse Johnson tonight. Very impressive performance, Mike Shinoda. I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't know who you were until tonight. And in my mind is blown at your incredible sense of humor. Well, I really hope this episode airs because I practiced for hours on these raps. And that's permanent marker.

It's not coming off. Yeah, I transformed for this role. That is incredible. How about a hand for the great Chroma Chris was Brad. The lead guitarist for Lincoln Park. Brad, what do you think about tonight's episode? You really hit a home run, Tony. That means you knocked it out of the park.

Oh, OK. There you go. What part? You could have just said we really knocked it out of the park. Did you think about that at all for a second? All right. And the great Rob on the drums, everybody. It was Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

He's mostly sorry. Mostly sorry. The podcast, mostly sorry on social media. What else, Joel? I really hope this episode airs. I had a lot of fun. I thought even though it was chaotic, I thought we finally smiled at some farts

and had some good moments. There you go. There will be some edits. There's going to be some more edits there. We're going to edit out both of you guys saying, I really hope this episode airs. I mean, not a ton of thought going into this sign-off, either.

Just stick along with that. I kept doing stuff back here that'll make it impossible to edit. Well, trust me, I'm sure we'll figure out a way. I just want to be real. I want to feel. Good luck. So much fun, everybody.

Thank you so much. We'll see you again soon. Bye.