KILL TONY - KT #472 - JIMMY SHUBERT

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ryan Bain, coming to you live from the road to famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for TonyHinchCliff. Yeah. Feels good in here. Still feels like there's, you know, 500 people here every Monday. Especially how they cleared out all the chairs. It feels better and better every single time that we are here at the comedy store. You know what? I like the show more without an audience. Who needs tons of validation and happy smiling faces? You know, the real joy in this is

entertaining ourselves. And you know what? I think, I'm going to shock the world here, but I think we will never go back to having an audience again. I think you might be right. I just like seven people interrupting each other with microphones all at the same time. I like it like this. How about you guys? There you go. Feels like an AA meeting in here right now. This is super exciting. Welcome to another episode of Kill Tony. How are you, Red Band? I'm great. We're getting through it. We're doing it. We have our own fun little things that we're doing, getting through life during these wild times and excited to be here. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is joining us. Yeah. Look at that stud muffin right there. He draws

every single episode and he's drawing this one tonight. He draws all the tour posters. There's a new Kill Tony design shirt that he's slinging his own art design. A really cool stuff all happening at ryanjebelt.com and click on the Kill Tony banner and see all the amazing stuff that he's making. It is absolutely incredible. We support artists here, believe it or not. We make fun of artists a lot, but we don't make fun of Ryan J. Ebelt. He is one of the drawing artists and that is what I consider off limits. However, comedians and musicians will get tortured. And actors, especially actors. The only way I could make fun of Ryan J. Ebelt is if I drew a drawing to insult him. His beard's out of control right now. Look at that beard. That's the biggest

I've ever seen. It really is. He looks like the father from Teen Wolf. It is absolutely incredible. It is shocking what's going on over there, but we're going to have fun tonight. We have everybody's here. The great Charlie from Vito's Pizza hooking it up, getting us all, getting our bellies all filled up. Everybody knows we love pizza here and our pizza of choice in Los Angeles is the great Vito's Pizza. Exciting stuff. Caveman coffee. Use the promo code kill Tony while we're talking about how we get our energy on. Use the code kill Tony, get 20% off. You know what else I fell in love with this week, Brian, was something that I saw you promote on Instagram, Liquid IV. Oh yeah. It's drinking some right now. My goodness. It's the best. What a game changer.

I've been on the golf course. The temperatures have been all over 100 degrees every single time. And there I am enjoying myself laughing, cracking jokes while all my friends are out there half passing out by hole number 10. And it's all because of Liquid IV. I tried it once after a night of drinking. My mind was completely blown. Woke up with energy at 545 a.m. on the dot like I do every single day now and felt great all day long. Yeah. And I drink so much Gatorade and stuff like that just because I feel like I'm always dehydrated. I don't drink enough water. This changes it. Now I'm just drinking water and I don't have all the extra crap in it like sodium. Yeah. And they're not even a sponsor when we love all these guys. Yeah, exactly. Liquid IV is not a sponsor. I just

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And a big part of the reason why I came here is because of the amazing history and the badass comedians that are a part of that history. And tonight's guest is a massive, massive part of that history and the current reputation of absolute murders that perform here. This guy's one of the great comedians of today and one of my favorite comedians of all time and one of my best pals. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the great Jimmy Schubert, everybody. Yeah. Hey now. Yes. Fuck yeah. The new album is out on iTunes. Zero tolerance with the great Jimmy Schubert. How are you sir? Yes. Pick a copy up if you want to laugh for 57 minutes straight. That's right. Absolutely. You have so we golfed the other

day and you had me laid out before we even before we even hit hole number one telling me the story of that guy that went on the audition. Yeah. It was a guy was up. You know, it's just one of those show business antidotes. Guy was in a commercial audition and it was in New York. It was in August and it's like on a 33rd floor and it's hot. It's like 110 degrees and it was a stupid little commercial. You sit down on a chair, you take off your shoes and you do some dancing feet thing, right? And you're sitting on this metal chair. This guy brings his, sits down on the chair, he bends over, takes off shoes and then he just rips a massive fart for like it was had to be like it's about a minute and a half against the metal chair loud. You know, one of those and the guy's

so embarrassed he gets up and runs out of the room. He's embarrassed. He's mortified. He gets all the way down to the bottom floor. He walks out. He realized he left the shoes upstairs. So he's going to go all the way back up to get his shoes and he walks in and people are hanging out the window with the fan, just trying to get rid of the stink in the room. And the guy goes, saw me feels like a nitty. About three days later, he gets a call from his name. He goes, hey, you booked that job. He goes, how the fuck did I book that job? And he shows up in the commercial. He says, because how, why did you book me? It was the worst, one of the most worst he goes first. So it was priceless. We didn't watch anybody else's

audition. We just kept watching yours and laughing our balls off and rewinding it and watching again. And again, we must have watched it 300 times. We said, fuck it, give the guy the job. So he got he got the job. So you know, people beat themselves up with auditions, you know, there's always a little Jimmy starts beating you in golf. He makes you laugh so hard before it even starts in 100 degrees. There's no golf carts, we're walking golf carts. They forgot to charge it. It was like, they forget to charge, you know, doesn't take much to run a golf course, except charge carts. And you know, water the grass once in a while, you know. And so we're right there. And we make the turn. And Tony, Tony slips me into Mickey that stuff you were talking

about liquid IV. I gave him some liquid IV bro. She's a game changer. I started striping it down the middle just because I didn't want to. I was so exhausted. I want to just walk directly to my ball. And it was, it was, it was unbelievable. But yeah, we, we got it in. It was the hell of a workout. But yeah, we had a good time. A lot of laughs, a lot of fun out here making the best of it. And I'm excited you're back here on Kiltony. We've had fun. You've been on the show a couple few times. Yeah, man. Glad to have you back. And you might remember there's a band on this show. Nice. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been backstage getting ready. They stay in character throughout the show.

Could be a new character. Could be characters we've seen before. Let's all find out what they are tonight as I present to you the best band on the land, the Kiltony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson and Chroma Chris. Uh-oh. Here they are. Wow. Oh my goodness. Here they are. Some postmen. We've seen this crew before for sure. There's a lady post. There's a post woman now. My goodness with a tight little Jerry curl. Look at that thing. And then there, yeah, there's a whole crew here. My goodness gracious. Welcome back, Mr. Postman. I remember you. I remember you sounding sort of Native American last time you were on the show. Can you remind me of your name? My name is Walter Figg. Walter Figg. Yeah,

you do sound Native American still. I hail from Fort Wayne, Indiana. Okay. But I am 100% European. I guarantee you. You're European? Yeah. In my village that I was raised. Well, welcome back to the show, Walter Figg. Thank you. And then, uh, look at this little adorable, uh, little Jerry curl we got over here. What's your name? Hey, what's up? I'm Hamatha. You're Hamatha? Hamatha? Okay. Just want to make sure. All red beards getting hungry. Uh-oh. Hamatha. Are you a lesbian post woman? I'm straight as an arrow. Okay. All right. I can guess what anybody is in their packet. How long have you been a post woman for? All about 35 years. 35 years. All right. And then, uh, what's, uh, what's your story, sir? You seem

like an actual, uh, actual postman. The kids call me Merv, the mailman. Okay. Merv, the mailman. All right. Why did the kids call you that? Because they're mean little shits who thinks they run the neighborhood, but I run the neighborhood. Oh my God. It's my mail. All right, Merv. Oh my goodness. Every single character that Chroma does that's a little bit older looks exactly like Sully Sullenberger, the hero, miracle on the Hudson. You can't help himself. Merv. And I always land my crashes. Okay. And then over here, it appears as though we have what seems to be a young, uh, Mexican Miley Cyrus type. What's your name? It is a party in the USA. My name is Carl Malone, Tony.

Oh, that's right. You are Carl Malone. The mailman. The mailman, Carl Malone. All right. This is exciting. You postal workers, uh, Walter, it appears as though you guys have been politicized by the left, um, but, uh, they're just making big budget cuts because, uh, mail's down 33% over the last four years. We guarantee you delivery of your mail in exactly three weeks time. Thank you, Walter. Thank you, Walter. Hamantha, what do you think about, uh, about the recent, uh, budget cuts? Hamantha. Hamantha. You cook on my ham. Okay. Whatever is easy. Uh, I like it. A lot of more packages to sit through. You know, sometimes I open them up, look inside and play with it a little bit and put them back. All right. Well, there you go. Good

to know. You can trust your current, uh, post office. You still use, uh, the post office ever, Jimmy? Yeah. You know, uh, occasionally, you know, there's nothing wrong with a little snail mail, but, uh, you know, I go, I was, I was going to post office. I was going, what was your backup plan? Blacksmith? What was it? You know, I mean, they're 27 billion dollars in fucking debt. The stamp is like 37 cents. How do you lose fucking money delivering fucking packages? I mean, I guess Amazon Prime, they deliver Amazon Prime packages for free. Yeah. And why don't you fucking charge? How dare you bring up that company? I'm sorry. Amazon is a postman's N word. Oh, sorry. I didn't know that. So we got the mailman. We got the great Jimmy Schuber. We got

Red Band and the sound board. Uh, and I have a bucket. It's a bucket of destiny. We have people that were chosen and signed up and chosen, uh, before the show and let's get the party started. But before we go to the bucket, there's only one way to get a real kill Tony party started. And it's with a guy that they like to call the party starter. This guy loved by many, including myself, one of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. Some people call them the big red machine. Some people call them the holy moly. Some people call them the nuclear belly button. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great William Montgomery. Here we go. Here he is live in the flesh. 60 seconds uninterrupted from William Montgomery.

I like my women like I like my coffee wrapped in styrofoam. What's the difference between a Lakers fan and a Clippers fan trick question? They're both going to die at an earthquake that will strike on August 27th, 2020. Hey, you're either looking to in or looking to out as an impression of my landlord asking me to pay for my continental breakfast. I'm at the point where I just hope my son turns out either gay or straight. And Jimmy, I have to say I loved you as the detective in the Italian job. Thank you, sir. Okay, it's closing out. What is that with a compliment? 40 seconds of jokes, 40 seconds of compliments. And here we are with the great William Montgomery.

Hi, William. Here you're doing. I'm drunk as shit tonight. Oh my goodness. No, I'm kidding. I'm not. No, I know. I can tell. You can tell when you're drunk, believe it or not. Yeah, you're very happy when you're sober. Yeah. It's true. It really is. You're happy and effective. Your timing, your pacing, the jokes, even though the coffee, styrofoam thing, very risky to open with that. But you know what? It established your odd baldness right from the get. You followed it up with joke, joke, joke and inevitable earthquake happening August 27th of 2020. Is that true? That is on Thursday. Three weeks ago. Yeah. Yeah, three weeks ago. My goodness. That's interesting. Three weeks ago. It already happened and the earthquake didn't even happen.

Yeah, but I think it might have it on the August 27th. Okay, what makes you think that? A premonition, if you will. Okay, what if that actually happens? Yeah, tell me about it. That's what if it actually happens? Tell me about it. Some old school biblical fucking shit, like just swallows up fucking Los Angeles. Jimmy, where would you go? Where would you go? I'm going to Delray Beach, Florida, bokeh down there with my people. How are you going on an airplane? Can I go with you? Yeah. Cool. Come on down. Where would you go? Can we exchange numbers or something or how do I get on the plane? If you weren't invited to Delray Beach just then with Jimmy, where would you have gone if there was an early pond of Eager Beach in Florida?

Are you just you just on the Atlantic coast? If I would have asked you five minutes ago what you would do if there was a major earthquake, what would you have said would have said Phoenix, Arizona? Would you drive there or would you walk out of flown? You would have taken an airplane during a massive earthquake. I would have flown an earthquake swallows Los Angeles and you'd get on an airplane. The airplanes is safest place to be in an earthquake. That is actually true. It's true. I think it's the safest place to be during the middle of a pandemic because they got the middle seat open now. Nobody's flying. I love it. What do you like, Jimmy? What airplanes do you like? Hey, you're asking a lot of questions. You've got a subpoena. Again, I love you in the

Italian job. Thank you. That's why I'm starstruck right now. You're a great detective in that. Absolutely. Absolutely, William. Is that a new t-shirt? I've never seen you wear the tie dye before. No, I've had it. Wait, is those new shorts? Oh my God. Nope, it's still open. Has anybody sent shorts? We tried to get you some shorts. No shorts have been delivered yet. What are you keeping your cargo pockets? What do you got there? Let's play a game called What's in Those Pockets. Whoa, I can't. I can't. And turn that fucking sound down. Oh, you don't like that one, huh? No, and I can't do it. Come on. I got contraband in here. I got contraband in here. I got contraband in here. Come on, man. You're fucking out to do it. Pull it out. Pull something

out of those pockets. Whoa, keys. All right. What's in the other pocket? That's not even the pocket I cared about. I want to know what's in that right thigh pocket. Don't pull out your dick. It's not his dick. I wish it was, but my dick is very close to my tummy. So there's no way it could be. Oh, we know. You have big belly button energies. Yeah, that's yeah, that voice, that noise I made sounded like that. Pull something out of my wallet. Whoa, where's your ridge wallet? My ridge wallet. I don't like that company. Oh, Jesus. I refuse to buy from those fucking people. They don't like. Okay, that's what I read. That's what I read. All right. They don't like

Hey, what's the rest? What's in your other pocket? That's the AMFM digital vibrator from WAMO, apparently. Jimmy's. We just make do that out. Yeah, they're our sponsor. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I'm kidding. Where's your rid? Have we given you a ridge wallet? No, we have. I need one. Can you can you run to that back? Grab a ridge wallet out of there. Who's got one? Yeah, we've got we've got one for you, William. We've got one for you. Will you use it if we give it to you? Yeah, Jimmy, what are your thoughts if I try to get into show business? What sort of stuff should I apply for? At this point, bro, I would fucking get something with benefits because it doesn't look like show

business is coming back. Is that a fucking joke? What's that? Is that a fucking joke? Yeah. What do you mean by that? All right. This is what he gets weird like. No, I know. I'm pissed. Look at that. Hey, look at that. Thanks, bitch. It's a ridge wallet. Oh, he's been drinking. No, William has been drinking. Yeah, I'm pissed. Oh my goodness. So let's take it from the top and let's pretend because that ridge wallet part that you said is definitely not going to be in the episode, even though it made the room laugh. So put that in your pocket and then I'm going to go and then we'll just play it as we go. Ready and go. Actually, what else do you have in your pocket, William? Tony, it is so nice to be here. We already did that. Where do I start? Take it

from the top. What's in your other pocket? My back pocket? Yeah, what's in your back pocket? I actually have a ridge wallet. Whoa, ridge wallet. Point that at the camera. Can we zoom in on that? Really good company. They hate ****. William, you're so stupid. That's why I support them. William, you're out of control. They hate **** in this ****. Put it back in your pocket. Now we have to do it again. We'll be here all night if we have to. Get ready for this. Let's do it again. Get ready for the zoom on this and action. What's in your other pocket? What do you got in your back pocket? Oh, it's just a ridge wallet. Take a look at this, guys. Oh my god, it's still in the box. That's an actual ridge wallet. They hate ****. William, William, you can say anything other than

that. We're going to have to edit the **** out. I don't think you understand. Jimmy told me to say that. We're not live right now. Jimmy told me to say that. We are not live. Jimmy, get my back on this one. I put him up to it. Yeah, he put me up to it. All right, let's do it one more time. Can you send me a copy of Mr. Lee to see? All right. I think that's going to be their new national campaign to ridge wallet. Yeah, they hate ****. Actually, we might leave this in actually now that I think about it. What's in your other pocket? Oh, I got a new wallet. I think it's from a company called Ridge Wallet. Okay, let's take it from the top. Hold on a second. Don't say you got a new wallet. It's funnier if your wallet is still in the box. William,

you don't need to say you got a new wallet. Okay. It's funnier if you don't, if your wallet's still wrapped in plastic. You don't need to say it's new. Okay. Like you always just carry a box of a wallet. I got it. Okay. Okay. What's in your other pocket? Man, I actually have a wallet I've had for like five years now. It's called a Ridge Wallet. Wow, Ridge Wallet and it's still in the box. That's fine. We could keep that in there. That's beautiful. You know, that defeats the purpose of the Ridge Wallet, keeping it in the box like that. Oh my goodness. Oh, I heard his belly on the mic drop. He heard his own stomach. William. What happened there? Montgomery. Not a lot of people know this, but if William shaves his beard, he becomes young Louis Anderson.

Yep. Whoa. That is real quick. Whoa. That's why he keeps the beard. Wow. A lot of people called him young Louis Anderson. You could say that. I could. I could say a lot of things. You could say a bunch right now. All right. Anything else happened in your personal life this week? Cooked out some salmon last night on my Weber grill. You cooked salmon on the Weber? Really good. Really? I would not trust you cooking fish on a grill if my life depended on it. It was delicious. I could be starving. I could have not eaten for days and if you're like, hey, Tony, you're lying. I'm a good, I'm a good griller. You know what he cooked the other day? A frozen pizza on the grill. Oh, God. It's delicious. I could have walked from Phoenix, Arizona to here starving. And if you're

like, Hey, I'm putting salmon on the grill. You want some? I'd be like, I just ate. Jimmy likes it. There. Wouldn't you eat a frozen pizza I made? Yeah. You know, in the old days, when these guys used to drive to these gigs, he used to put the frozen people on the airfield. The frozen people. Frozen pizza. What do you mean, frozen people, Jimmy? Don't make me come over there. Okay. Oh, man. Put the frozen pizza on the air filter and close the lid and drive the air filter. I don't get it. He's crazy. Just ignore him. He's the only one like this. So firecracker here out of the number one spot, William, you have a real spunky attitude. Yeah, I've reached my boiling point. Your boiling point? Yep. You have a temperature? What did he,

what did he temp in at today? Let's look at it. We're going to use 104. We check everybody's temperature 97.3 soft rock FM. Yeah, my favorite radio station. That's what I was about to say. My temperature was 54. Is it normal? Fig. Walter fig. Walter fig. What do you think about his name being Walter fig? I love him. There you go. Well, William, we love you. Nice to see you. You're one of the true greats. Nice to see you, Jimmy. After the show, let's exchange numbers and hang out maybe. Sounds good, William. Cool. How you up after we get done? Perfect. Is that a joke or smiling? I don't. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go. And it has begun. All right. The mic's getting switched out and cleansed. What an exciting time we live in.

The new normal. Yeah. Pull the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting up tonight. This guy got up, made his debut a few weeks ago, ended up, uh, ended up having a dance competition at one point during his set. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return of Jason Rodello, everyone. Here we go. Here he comes. Here he is. Jason Rodello, everybody. All right. I said yes. I'll stay in bed. That is my style. And Donald Trump is running wild. All you pedophiles get the fuck out of my face. This is the quarantine. This is the quarantine. No, I'm not gay. But, uh, I did just get a Disney plus subscription. So I'm just feeling a little adventurous lately, you know. Oh, speaking of gay, David Lucas merch now available online.

Yeah. Supporting black owned businesses, you know what I'm saying? Just make sure don't get the one that looks like overweight Shaquille O'Neal with burnt broccoli on his head. Whatever you do, stay away from that one. Thank you. Wow. Jason Rodello. Yeah. And that song sounds exceptionally good from the band. That was a good one. Thank you. I've been practicing for generations of my family. How old are you again, Walter? 167. 167. Wow. What a young Native American you are. 100% European. Why do you say that? You're so clearly a Native American. I'm a white. Oh my goodness. Just trying to fit in, I guess. All right. So welcome, Jason Rodello. Good entertaining minute. Didn't know

which direction things were going there. Neither did I. Then it went good. Thank you, man. Appreciate it. Absolutely. Well, that has been a little bit of a killer and like a big room, you think? No, it was great. You used the space allotted to you. You brought a lot of energy. It was quite incredible. I like it. He committed to the dance number. Yeah, this guy's a hell of a dancer, man. Yeah. This guy's a monster. I mean, I got a book. What I got a book, man. If I got to show the audience, you never know who's going to be in the audience. Got to just show them all realms of books. Using all the tools in the box. Exactly. Have you ever done any musicals or just you just dance? No musicals. Actually, I did Cirque du Soleil. That was my first like big break.

Wow. Of a dance job. I didn't sing, but you know, we did a lot of. What did you do in Cirque du Soleil? What show? What show? What Cirque show? Oh, this was in. It was like one of the international ones in Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan. Yeah. I talked about Kazakhstan on my first appearance here. Okay. Yeah. So that's a whole another story. What did you do in the show? Just danced. Oh, okay. So we were actually like backup dancers, kind of like fillers for, you know, little transitional moments. And our specialty was we had the hoverboards, you know, the ones that you just kind of like, yeah, you know, I don't have one right now, but right. That whole thing. Yeah. That's cool. Let's go. I saw a kid going down the street on one of those the other day,

just standing on the board, letting us fucking take him down the street. And I looked and I go, what is the left, right, the walking fucking too much for you to move in your own body, went around the planet or even lazy, shiftless, even a skateboard. It's like one of the four wheels. Yeah. No, it's not. It's not in the skateboard I get, but a hoverboard, you just stand on it. It's not you just letting it take him down the street like, how fucking lazy could you fucking be? What do you think about these hoverboards, Walter? I saw a child floating on one of these and I thought it was an ancient demon. Have you ever seen an ancient demon before? Yes, only in caves. What year was that? 1800. Oh my goodness, you're you are you have a lot of life

experience. So, Jason, tell us more. What have you been doing since the last time we saw you? Was that how long you've been on stand up? This is my second time ever. Right. This is the second time you've ever done stand up. Your debut was on Kill Tony. This is your second time. Literally, I'm just debuting here. You've accumulated two minutes. You have a girlfriend, right? Yes. How's life going? Very hot girlfriend, by the way. Ah, yes, man. I just wanted the red band seal of approval. That's it. As long as that's go. Everybody knows red bands got the best taste out of anybody. But yeah, so me and my god. What was that? What? Someone said you said taste. They said taste buds. Well, your your your initial gut instinct of not repeating it was correct.

Carl Malone. Look how pouty David Lucas looks on that shirt. It really is. It looks like that's what he looks like after he's he has to work out. Yeah, I was looking forward to a couple, you know, shirt roasts, you know, but you already roast David kind of every week. So it's just, you know, nothing new. I can't do it this week, though, because he actually called in sick with them with the headache, which it looks like he also has a headache in that picture. He looks like if thriller let himself go. Yeah, really does. A lot of people don't know this. But if you turn that, if you turn David's head upside down in that it turns into a drawing from from Bob Ross. It's the bottom of a tree, the bark of a tree. So it's a Bob Ross painting.

Yeah, yeah, that extra explanation. Jason, what else has been going on with you? It's been a few weeks since we've seen you. Yeah. What else is happening? Life together, getting the mental together. I like to call it a creation vacation. So just with content and just everything literally just took a vacation for the self creation vacation, you know, yeah, I'm literally doing the opposite. I'm taking a vacation vacation. Oh, it's lovely. Yeah, that's good. You're a young buck. You're out there making a name for yourself. Since you're dancing so much, do you do a lot of TikToks? You seem like you'd be really good at it. Well, that's the thing, man. It's like a break from everything. So with TikTok, I know I can kill it on that app. And I'm not trying to be cocky,

because, you know, dancer, comedy, the whole thing. Yeah. But I haven't like took my full stab out of yet, but I will though soon. Yeah. And if you guys have a TikTok, you know, do some collaborations or whatever. Oh, shit, we do not. You should check out my TikTok. Yeah. Fuck that. I'm a fucking grown man. I'm not on TikTok. You're TikTok. You know, those who watch TikToks, fucking pedophiles. That's who watches fucking TikToks. You're a bunch of 14 year old girls fucking dancing around. It's pedophiles. One out to a fucking tissue of love. Watching these fucking I was so anti TikTok. And I was like, this is how much I hate TikTok. I'm just gonna put a TikTok out there. Like just me opening a box. It got 3.1 million views. Oh my God. Oh my God. Wait,

really? Yeah. I mean, it really is. It's ridiculous. Like, I mean, it just goes to show how many Chinese people there are. That's what it is. Well, that's what that's what they say. China's spying on everybody using TikTok. And if that's the app they're using to spy on people, they must think we're a bunch of fucking morons over here. Because dude, someone who's TikToks are like, what the fuck? Everybody thinks they're a star on TikTok because they have so many views, but it's like nobody's in America watching that shit. Absolutely. Question. Do you think the TikTok standard is going to change the scene of comedy? Or what do you think? Because, you know, like the new generation now. Absolutely. 0% chance. Have you ever seen

Vine Stars do stand up comedy? Yeah. Dammit. You got me. Yeah. Yeah. You ever see YouTube Stars do stand up comedy? Yeah. I've seen them try. Where'd you get those slacks, man? They're pretty fucking. Oh, these old things? Yeah, man. I like them. From Urban Outfitters. Wow. Urban Outfitters. Nice. Look at that. I'm completely joking. No, Santiali. They're like 10 bucks. Yeah. But they look, you know, if you rock it right enough, you can see the Urban Outfitters. You got style, dude. Thanks, man. What else has been going on in life? You have any nightmares lately? I had a crazy nightmare the other day, this creepy doctor. And all he kept saying, his jaw was wired shut, but he was vomiting through his teeth. And he just kept saying, I'm Dr. Koo. He wasn't Asian.

It was an old white man, sort of looked like Walter Figg. And he kept saying, I'm Dr. Koo. I'm Dr. Koo. And just spray, spray. And the crazy thing was, is he was, he followed me in like other dreams that night. Like, like I was like dreaming about something else. And he came out of nowhere. I'm Dr. Koo. I woke up that morning and I googled Dr. Koo. And obviously, of course, a bunch of Asian people just started flying on my screen. Google Esther Koo. Go ahead. Go ahead, Carl Malone. I just wanted, if anybody out there is a dream expert, please tell us what that meant. Yes. Tell us, tell us what it means if a doctor with a jaw wired shut completely yet vomiting through his teeth means. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, it was a while. It was so fucking, it really,

it was one of those ones where like, I mean, I literally Googled it when I fucking woke up that morning. I'm like, what the fuck, Dr. Have you ever used a dream catcher before? Well, no, I haven't. But do you happen to have any? Yes, Dr. Koo will never visit you again if you hang a dream catcher above your bed post. Thank you. Have a dream catcher. You do? Fuck yeah. What's her name? What? What's her name? Angel. Oh, okay. Walter. Walter, relax. Straighten up that microphone for a second there. You're really. If you're hearing this, Dr. Koo, you are not invited into Tony's dreams anymore. Thank you. Thank you, Chief Walter Fig. Jason, any nightmares lately? I never got an answer out of you. Nightmares. No, I think I'm the type. I don't even like remember

any dreams like ever. I think since I was the age of 10, I don't know what it is. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Is that a bad thing? Yeah, you get to live your dreams out. Yeah, I have daydreams. That's the thing. And that's the catch is that sometimes usually I can control my dreams and like this and that, but like fucking Dr. Koo kept it scarier than like anything I've seen in a movie. Yeah, the whole time I'm like, why is there a doctor in my dream? Why is his jaw wired shut and why the fuck is he vomiting? And you can Google that stuff too. There's dream interpretation. Stuff means something apparently frightening, scary. You're going to have a dream of Dr. Koo holding Chucky's hand and like one of the dreams are one of the craziest things because

nobody really is in that big of a hurry to figure out what the fuck what the fuck they are. Like we still don't there is no like there's been no real breakthrough. The acid Tony took a few weeks ago just kicked in. It's just about to ask that. Yeah, what are dreams, dude? Honestly, probably means you just need to drink more water, honey. Flying dreams. The simulation theory. Dr. Koo dreams are crazy. Dr. Koo could actually represent the coronavirus and the pandemic because it's completely out of your control. It showed up out of nowhere and you're wondering why are you here? Wow. You know what, Walter Fig, Hamatha and Carl Malone. Thank you all for your wisdom. Merve the mailman. Do you have anything you want to say about Dr. Koo?

You don't have to use the mask, dude. If you if Joel has it, you're going to get it, Chris. Sorry, I was a little late on this one. What's up? Fill asleep back there. Dozen off over there. Okay, Jason, so much fun. Congratulations, your second time ever doing stand up. Thanks, man. We had fun with you. There goes Jason. Jason. Thank you. Jason Redello. Switching out of the mics. Getting a sterile mic. Sterile mic. I used to be in prison with a man named Sterile Mike. Do you have do you have dreams like of the same like place over and over like I have a hotel that I'm constantly like dreaming about like it has the same elevator. It's fucked

up hotel. It's like flooded. And you had it's a reoccurring dream you have. Yeah, I guarantee you that means something. You should Google that. Yeah, let's say you like if some people have dreams where their teeth are falling out. Yeah, yeah. Like I have like dreams where I'm being chased by like a freaking axe murderer. And I get spaghetti legs. My legs don't fucking work and I can't run. Yeah, I have those kind of dreams. I have had I have one that happens once every couple few months where I'll have a hair in my mouth and I'll pull the hair out but it'll be extra long and I keep pulling it and it turns out that it's tied to the thing in the back of my throat and like I'll like yank it and you like feel that and it's like I know I start freaking out and then I wake

up it freaks me the fuck out. I have like great you know I thought you know West Craven used to use his like nightmares for like to inspire him and like things like that and the doctor come telling you Dr. Koo was scarier than anything I've seen in a movie. I thought I thought you were going to say you were pulling a hair out and as you pulled it out your head started to unwind like a sweater. Oh shit. It was coming from there like a doll like a like a t-shirt. Okay. And you know I'll also say this is that I've been on shantix before that medicine that's supposed to take you to quit smoking. Oh yeah. And one of the things that they say in their ads even they have to say it by law which tells you a lot about it is like they cause suicide inducing

dreams. It's not me bro. I was when I was on shantix I had the most like like I was like having all sex with a supermodel and just I was like and I woke up and I was like you bastard. I couldn't get back into the dream. Oh I had the opposite. I had the most frightening dreams ever. I had dreams where I was flying and you know how you normally wake up when you land. Yeah I didn't instead it the camera zoomed out to me on the ground and then it rolled me over and I'm in a coffin and I'm watching my family watching me in an open casket and they're ball and you're like it's long form long. It's not like whoa and then you wake up. It was like it felt like it was like 45 minutes of me watching each member of my family and the cameras like on the open side of the

casket. So like you see like me laying there and them just coming up and looking like so it was all long. The shantix is the worst thing ever. Yeah. If you're planning on quitting smoking just try anyway but do not take shantix. Yeah I had dreams of flying dreams but I could only fly feet first. Like I couldn't fly like a normal like Superman. I would fly feet first. I was like I couldn't steer myself. What a nightmare compared to Tony's. Wow. You have superpowers and you can only fly feet first. Yeah. Meanwhile Tony is dying and watching his death repeatedly and seeing. But the crazy part of that whole dream that I said isn't the flying and dying part. It isn't the landing part. The watching your family mourn

your death was like that's what that's when like I'm like oh I have to absolutely stop taking this because that whole day after that you feel like you've already lived and died sort of in a weird way because you're like oh that's what that's all that life is. You live you die and that's it and like that's when I started realizing like oh this shits in my system. This is what those warnings and a couple people told me about. One time Jimmy had a nightmare where he was given a million dollar check and they could only give him bundles of thousands. That was a fucking nightmare and nobody had changed for a thousand. So I couldn't buy it. I couldn't use it anywhere. Okay I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is fun. We're having fun here this evening. I pulled another

name out of the bucket. This is another guy that made his debut on Kill Tony just a few weeks ago and he's back again. Ladies and gentlemen it is the return. He's here for his revenge. Had a rough first set on the show. Let's see what happens here tonight as I present to you the return of Mohai everyone. Here we go. What's up guys what's up. What's up with everybody hating on dead beat dads. Everybody's always like fuck these dead beat dads. Fuck these niggas. But nobody ever thinks about them kids. Maybe the problem is the kids. Have anybody ever said maybe the kids ran out of the dads out of the house? Ever? I doubt it. Maybe these little devils made the dad regret that he came in that bitch ever.

Don't you hate when you go to fast food joints and first thing you see is a bunch of fat people in line. You're like this shit's gonna take forever. Damn nigga. It's about to be. Them niggas about to order the whole fucking menu right. By the same time if there's a bunch of fat people in line you know that shit's gonna be fly. It's gonna taste bomb. So I'm like you know what I'm chilling. So the thing about this mask everybody wears during coronavirus is if I can through my pants through my boxers and smell it through the mask you think this crazy disease is not gonna go through my fucking mask? There you go. Moha. I believe Dr. Anthony Fauci said the same exact thing about masks recently. Oh I had no idea.

No he didn't. I'm just kidding. He didn't say that farts have anything to do with it. Hi Moha. What's up guys? How are you? Rowan people? Where are you from originally? I'm Somalian. I was raised in Sweden. Right. Right. Thanks for having me back. Somalian and your parents are both Somalian right? Yes. People think I'm Brazilian Caribbean because I'm a crazy look but I'm 100 percent Somalian. What are your parents' names? My dad's name is Aiden and my mom's name is Hoken. What's Hoken? Hoken. Hoken. It's kind of difficult to say. What's it mean? Hey for the rest of your day. Exactly. Right. How did you want to be Los Angeles? I went to school in Seattle. I hated the rain so after college I came down to LA because of the

weather. It seems like one of those guys that would jump into the wheel part of an airplane, the wheel. Right. And come down. Yeah. Come down that way. That's my uncle. Your uncle did that? No he didn't. Stop it. So Moha, you ended up in Seattle. When did you come to Los Angeles? About five years ago. Five years ago. What have you been doing in this city since you got here? What have you been doing for like work and stuff? When I moved down here I liked the party. I liked the weather. You like the party? What kind of parties are we talking about? Clubs. Clubs. How do you get into clubs? So what I did is I actually decided to work for the club so I can get in without paying. Guys always pay a lot of money right to get in the club. Right. Well they also

pay a lot of money to get in the club but they don't start working there after they pay. They're not paying. I wanted a burger really bad so I started working it in and out. That was my idea but you know what? It worked. I got hired. I worked there for three years, parted. Now I kind of regret that I didn't start my comedy career a long time ago. Right. So what's like your best night at a club? Tell us about that. Tell us the truth about that. I invited 25 girls. It was a good night for a promoter. Oh my goodness. I got all kinds of bottles and they were feeling me. They were feeling the boy you know. Yeah. I ended up getting some sloppy doppy. Oh my goodness. Is that true? Yeah. 100%. Wow. And I ended up going home with another

girl. Wow. So that was the best night for sure. Oh my goodness. What bathroom did you get a blowjob in? The men's room or the women's room? Since I worked there I took her to a bathroom upstairs. Oh a secret bathroom. That sounds like one of Jimmy's nightmares. Yeah. Yeah. That's Joel Berg right there cranking one from deep. I love it man. Is that your bathing suit or you rocking a bathing suit at the comedy store? What'd you do today? This is my bathing suit. Today all I do is watch basketball. Oh you play basketball? Yes. Do you have a basketball with you? I wish I did. You don't have one in your car? Even though no. No. I'm pretty good at basketball. I would have loved to have said I would have if you had a if you would have had a car or a

basketball I would have had you go get it. You would be the first person to show us some basketball tricks in the history of Phil Tony. Damn it. It looks like an NBA 2K avatar. It's true. It's true. What club was it that you worked at? I worked in a lot of clubs. I worked at Playhouse Super Club. Oh wow. Warwick. He looks like a 2K creative player avatar if you set all the settings to zero instead of a hundred. Before the muscles and everything. Yeah exactly. Strength zero. Don't make me take off my shirt Tony. What? Don't make me take off my shirt. No let's see. Let's take off your shirt. Now I want to see what you what you're threatening to hide from us because you look malnutrition from the outside so oh wow. All right yeah there's nothing there. We have the

exact same body. We have the exact same body moha. I mean I do the same thing. I pretend like there's a lot there but you're shaped exactly that's exactly how I am. You know at least give me two. Wait what are those things? Do you have nipples underneath your nipples? Are those tattoos? No. I have four nipples. You do have four nipples don't you? I do. How did you see that Tony? Because I have 20-20 vision. Because you took your shirt off. I've never seen four of them. I've never seen four nipples. I've seen three nipples but I've never seen four. Yeah I wish I never took off my shirt. Oh my goodness. Are those pressed on nipples? Those ones on the bottom? That's a hilarious character. He said he forgot. He said he wish he hadn't taken up his shirt. That

character's funny. Guy who forgets he has four nipples. Have you had you've had four nipples your whole life right? Have they always been prominent? Yes but I don't really consider them as nipples. It's like an udder then right? Yeah they're like just like black. Yeah utterly disgusting. Oh my goodness. Is that a thing that runs in your family? No and it's not nipples. It's just a couple of weird things but. No those are nips dude. They're totally nips. They're under under formed nips. They're like little they're just starting. It could have been four nips. Yeah. Because they're at the exact same place on each side perfectly you know centered. Yeah you should get them pierced. Yeah. I should do that. Yeah you should and people will be like

what are those piercings and you'll be like look closely. Oh and still say how did you know that I had four nipples even though they're pierced. Yes you should. That's incredible look at you. It's like constantly having a threesome having four nipples on your chest. Yeah it's not the best part of my life. If you look well. Just be one other human. Yeah exactly. I really fucked that one up. Have you ever had a girl suck on any of the bottom nipples? Unfortunately yes. Really? What does it feel like? I didn't like it. You didn't? I'm very secure about them and this girl's like can I suck on your bottom nipples? I was like bitch no. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh my goodness. Well you haven't had a hammer to try it. Yeah you like to try him at. I mean

twice the nipples, twice the fun. That's right. You're beautiful baby. Twice the trips. My goodness gracious. Have you ever what is that like what is anything ever come out of them like oat milk or anything like that? No they're not nipples. Oh you can you're in denial dude. Denial is not just a river in Somalia. If you're saying they're not nipples what are you saying they are just like moles? I would say moles or birds. But they're on the exact same spot perfectly exactly on the same side. But they're not like nipples if you look at them they don't have. Oh no no but like when people have a third nipple it's not like it has like a little nipple part too. It's like when people are born with like an unformed twin. You know I'm gonna I'm gonna send you to see Dr. Koo

and he's going to. We're all gonna have nightmares about that. I'm telling you if you see this fucking guy. Tony when you play golf you're never gonna yell for the same anymore. Now I'm gonna yell nipples I mean for seeds. Moja those ever come back has anybody ever has been like an embarrassing moment did you ever have like re-bullied as a kid? You have good titty twisters in high school. No people usually don't notice them. Usually girls but they don't you know. Oh well yeah well this is my you know. You have to realize that I'm like a predator but I like scan people for their insecurities and immediately when you took your shirt off like four nipples four nipples takes you 10 minutes to give this guy a purple nipple.

I love it man. The color nipple. I wish I never took off my shirt. I took them off because I thought I was gonna go up on the players making you know the 2k. I thought I was gonna go up to two. You know you could put your shirt back on. Yeah Tony wants you to keep it off. You could put it on now. Why do you have your bathing suit on just because this is not my bathing suit. This is my That's a bathing suit. That's a bathing suit. Actually I did those shorts man. I like the shorts. Shorts are great. So far we've had two guys with you know good slacks. It's true mice also have four nipples. Little fun fact for you. Moja have you ever been diagnosed with any diseases of any kind? No I've been lucky. Yeah no STDs or anything like that. Nope always strap up. Always have a

condom on me. Really let's see it. Oh my goodness look at that. That's my brand. Wow the crowd goes wild here. Hey this is a this is a crowd that's shockingly at his pro safe sex. That's confidence bro. Just one right in his front pocket. Yeah because you know I'm always ready for that you know to give the beach balls deep action you know what I mean. Oh my goodness. Yeah when he doesn't know about love you can fit in a restraining order seriously. My goodness gracious. They ready. Is that a is that a common turn of phrase where you're from. Give the bitch balls deep action. No just it's me bro. I'm different. I love it dude. A magnum condom looks like it. What's the expiration date on that thing. Check it right now. Got it last night. Four got it. Oh four.

I keep running. I love that he only has one. You know he's pulling out like a whole roll full I'm lucky tonight bro. Yeah it's true. If you have one you might as well carry two right. Yeah Jimmy you know what's funny. One time I did fuck a bitch and then I had one and then 30 minutes later I met a bitch at the casino and she was trying to get the balls deep and I was like I have no more condoms. Come with me to the room. I give me some condoms. Sometimes good to have two. Yeah wear them like Mexican gun belts across your chest when you walk into a place. Absolutely. We don't need no stinking badges. Fucking Ram bone over here. That's right. Any advice on my comedy was it funny. Did I do better this time. Oh your comedy. Sure. What did we talk about.

Kids. Yeah. Maybe the maybe the kids ran him out. You know not gonna lie the nipples may have outshined your act. Now it's you know you you sound like a guy that's just getting started in stand up comedy. This is it. You need to have a third time ever. Yeah you know this is what it sounds like. This is what it's like. Right now you're you're dealing with broad topics and you're not getting into real meat and potatoes instead of saying you know maybe the kids ran the dads out more specific things as to what exactly you're trying to what point you're getting across. I mean you have an angle there. You know deadbeat dads maybe the kids ran them out but something specific on what when do they decide to leave. Why did that kid. How could that kid be a

disappointment so early on. What was the dad hoping for. You have to ask yourself these questions when you're covering a topic like that in order to get to a real punchline. You know your punchline there is maybe the kids ran the dads out but it's like that's just really your true setup. You know what I mean. Got you. Yeah I know what you're saying like that would be like a like you know Colin Kaepernick with such a disappointment even his original birth parents didn't want him something like that. You know I should wear you were going with it. I should wear you were going with it. Carl Malone. I was going to say he could say his dad left because he had four nipples. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Put it on yourself like I had four nipples. That's why my dad left.

I got to go deeper when I'm right in my. Yeah. Yeah. Balls deep. Yeah. Yeah. Balls deep dude. And we'll see you next time. The great Mohawk everybody. There you go. Thank you for having me guys. Mohawk. I'm yours. Yeah. It's always funny when somebody's like hey aren't you going to talk about my comedy and I'm like well do you really want me to do that. I mean it's hard to do when it's like your second or third time. If you keep on doing it three years from now you're going to be like if you listen to yourself three years from now you're going to be like that is the worst you could ever fathom.

I mean I had a good set my first ever set ever and then a lot of them after that were absolute dog shit and that joke it's funny. I should have said this when he was up asking me about that but like the joke reminded me of a joke that I had early on that was fucking dog shit and I was like I was basically talking about you know a lot of people talk about how much the traffic sucks around here. You know who I hate are the pedestrians the pedestrians like it was like so it was like it was like horrible Seinfeld. I'm like who are these pedestrians. Get a fucking car you dorks. These people don't know when they need they need lights to tell them when to walk and like it was so bad. There's nothing funny about it and even I don't know but the point is

it's like no matter what everybody has dog shit jokes in the beginning yeah because if I let's face it if I had dog shit jokes anybody can and it's hard to listen to yourself you know those old jokes. Yeah speaking of good jokes David Lucas couldn't make it here tonight he's out with a headache however I have found a replacement for him one of my favorite human beings on the planet another guy that went golfing with us the other day ladies and gentlemen comedy store door guy great comedian a comedy vet out of beautiful Georgia estate in the United States of America I present to you the great Mitch Burrow everybody he's back great Mitch Burrow everyone all right it sucks having a southern accent the thing that sucks most about is no everyone hears it and they

just automatically assume that you're racist and I hate that because me personally I hate racism I hate racist people I hate anyone that uses ethnic slurs against minorities I think those people are ignorant and I don't want to be associated with them and see like right now you should all be clapping and agreeing with me but instead because of my accent all you heard is I hate minorities and something about those people I used to be in the Marine Corps I went to Iraq I don't know did anyone else here ever go to war just me I'm the only hero okay no big deal the thing about going over there is like that's not the hard part coming back is what's hard because everyone treats you different I remember as soon as I got back from Iraq everyone was always like oh my god

Mitch when you're over there did you ever shoot anybody I was like no relax I was a helicopter mechanic they were like oh thank god you never killed anyone I was like Jesus Christ I never said I was a good helicopter mechanic wow that's how it's done yeah absolutely beautiful great great for you to come in real jokes real fucking real fucking real stand-up comedy right thank you for your service by the way absolutely yeah it was the least I could do because I had a GED so very well written I had a lot of options very well executed you know that's exactly that's exactly how you do it that's how it's done thank you yeah take that Spencer suck my dick yeah fucking Spencer with his jugs at piss yeah the thing that gets me about that he says his excuse was there were

lesbians having sex on the couch if I mean that would be like me going oh shit I think I gotta go take a piss real quick right you know just like anyway lesbians having sex on the couch is also another one of Jimmy's nightmares my nightmares bro I've led a very sheltered life so uh Mitch what else has been going on in life since the last time uh we had you on the show how long did it take you to recover from that around the golf the other day after we walked 18 it didn't bother me at all man I'm at my peak physical condition I actually I actually know for a fact that you're lying about that you meet to somebody the next day I can't remember who or how I found this out but uh somebody's like yeah no Mitch Mitch couldn't make it he has sore legs

I'm like oh yeah we played oh yeah so all right here's the thing I need to get some of those uh sleeve underwear things that you guys talk about she's underwear and you're goddamn right you do it's unbelievable uh I it wasn't necessarily like exhausting but my leg my thighs were just like arguing with each other the whole yeah so that that was tough uh and then you know I didn't have Tony giving me fucking performance enhancing drugs on the course liquid IV liquid IV man actually I'll even leak this information the guy that was playing alongside Mitch in that group was uh Jetski Johnson's boyfriend and he actually had he has sheath underwear wow Jetski's boyfriend not him with the right right totally different person I do want to say something about that so

we were all going together but so he and I played as a twosome behind the rest of y'all yeah which was great but at some point he was ranked third in state when he was in high school so I was playing with someone who was like a professional golfer almost yeah it was crazy and I'm fucking 300 pounds and out of breath by the third hole it didn't make me feel good right that's Canada it doesn't count right actually it was New Mexico never mind what did you say Carl Malone uh here boyfriend Jetski's boyfriend is Canadian so I was saying to take that shit uh back over there yeah can you win a state championship in Canada or is that like a territory he was in New Mexico from Canada how did you shoot how'd you what was your scorey out there I don't remember

you didn't keep score yes one of those days when I do really good I can tell you immediately but I probably probably quit keeping scoring like the 10th hole yeah that was brutal man and I'm just like we finished you didn't it was a 109 I remember I remember very clearly okay well you didn't have to tell people we can have secrets man you know I love it uh Mitch um how long you been on stand up again you're a comedy vet you've only been in LA a short while so 13 years I've been in LA for five yeah and uh been at the comedy store for you know a year and a half but the last five months don't count right I love it and you've come on fast everybody's fallen in love with you your friends with everybody here yeah I'm a 15 year overnight success yeah coming on hey that's

real fast man that's what it's all about man the thing I got going on now Jetski and I were doing a podcast together yeah it streams live on the comedy store YouTube uh so that that's fun I jumped on it we had fun the other day on there yeah and uh you know that that's it I that it's a weird time we were talking you had a video on tiktok trying to do that there's just no no live entertainment anymore yeah you're a tiktok star you do uh hillbilly psychic readings right is that what it is oh redneck psychic redneck horoscopes oh right yeah and uh and I can you give us an example like what that's really I really here's the thing it's all fake uh the only reason I ever got into horoscopes is because if I was at a bar and I was talking to a girl I'd be like hey what's your son and it

didn't matter what her son was he said stop I'm I'm a leo regardless of what their sign is it would always say that we would have good sex oh my god so I'd be like oh let's check up our compatibility real quick and I'd be like oh well a relationship's out of the question but if we fuck oh my god it's gonna be good because nothing about me says good fucking but my horoscope does the idea of you like pulling out the horoscope move though I'm meeting a girl it's so so weird to me hey what's your horoscope hey girl what's your sign it says it says we can't be in a relationship but we could have unprotected sex tonight yeah that's my style hey girl what's your sign I'm an areas with a penis rising come on who wants some of it come on check a cock who wants to come out

I love it Mitch that's great that work for you a lot the horoscope that's charming you make them laugh no it never works it never works what is something that's worked for you in the past like a pickup line or something like that because you're a charming fella just pushing them down in the bushes how do you how do you go how do you go about what is that too much um you know nothing I don't I don't know I guess like just getting to know me and see it like it's never just like oh let's fuck this guy it's normally like weeks of just wearing them down and then they're finally like I mean he's there's something here yeah you know how many times are you gonna tell me you're in the marine corps I get it you know so because the interesting thing about you is like you carry you like you

carry your weight really well if that makes sense have you always been a bigger guy I might fuck Tony after this show to me have you always been like a because like red bands a big guy but he looks like he looks like he's like new big right you're not like old big you've not you haven't always been big switch back and forth all the time you look like a guy that like just like carried too many bags with like grocery from the grocery store I like fuck I might have to sit a couple he's down I guess the Marine Corps like gave me a base to go underneath it that isn't that doesn't make it look too slovenly you're gonna come to me your pocket bro I don't wear con what I'm just saying that you don't even like you don't even like wobble or anything like when

you walk yeah I'm not a fucking loser okay forget it forget it oh hey by the way my compliment to you is turning but no I appreciate I get what you're saying but I do want to say one thing the last time I was on this show and I was talking about reading the comments and I was like actually they're nice to me I might even go on there and someone be like you know what that guy Mitch he ain't that fat after all there was a whole bunch of comments but they were just going hey that guy Mitch he ain't as fat as they say he is so shout out to the fans I love you wow there you go they know what's up so just a little just a real serious review so your approach is you might not like me now but you're getting tired right yeah both of our endurance is not

going to be able to handle this got you hell yeah man have you been in a helicopter since being in the Marines oh uh no I don't I don't think so I uh no I have not been in a lot of airplanes but I haven't been well kind of what kind of helicopters you uh work on it was the ch 46 when I was in the Marine Corps that looks like a penis with two yeah I'm fooling one of those and then when I got out yeah it's the Alpha class Chinook a 47 so the Chinook is the 47 that's the army version right bigger than the 46 which is what I worked on in the Marine Corps we had a patchy escort oh really and a patchy for every hour it's in the air I had a 12 hours of maintenance but you probably already know that I had a cherry escort aren't you also somebody say a patchy yeah

that's you you're an Apache there we go I had a I had a Spanish escort a a Thai escort I got a bunch of escorts which one cost the most yeah but you did they were all about 25 30 dollars each good US conversion right over there US dollars oh yeah yeah it's like 600 bot when you're in Thailand I hope you borrowed a condom off of moha before you went in there no they were professionals okay you don't pay to get a disease that'd be crazy I mean a Thai hooker I mean they eat raw dogs okay Thai hooker jokes people all right this was so much fun dude I mean especially you know William has his own very you know silly style Jason Rodello is second time ever on stage mohas third time ever on stage and for you to come in and really show everybody in this room how

it's done you know you sat on those beats on the first one and then it all paid off in the end and then boom boom boom with the second and it's just great man pure stand-up comedy not easy to do in a gigantic high-ceiling room with 12 people spread around that seats 500 and you did it 13 years guys you could be here doing this good as well 13 years oh yeah thanks everybody there he goes Mitch Burrow I mean he makes that joke about 13 years you could be here but there's like you know I don't know I'd say fucking 90% of the people that do it 13 years aren't that funny how about one more hand for Mitch guys yeah well my hand for Mitch and I'm gonna hand for the microphone guy switching

them out yeah it was safety protocols it's a big wiping them down now this guy was actually on just a week ago and he's got another minute and we're gonna get an update from his wild story that we found out about last week ladies and gentlemen this is the return of Ryan Joseph here we go here he comes so I applied for this apartment online and I got rejected because of bad credit so I gotta drive over there just to show them that I'm white uh they got a lot of problems at retirement homes a lot of std's going around I used to volunteer at a retirement home you wouldn't believe how many std's these 95 year old's happen they don't warn you I think it's pretty sexist to say that a man and a woman can't have a platonic

relationship I have so many female friends that are fat yeah I don't get women it's like if you don't want to have sex with me why'd you get my uber my dad's got a ptsd from his time in Vietnam apparently he burned down this village full of like women and children it was like crazy's vacation ever wow wow we are playing with fire right now pure momentum unbelievable set by ryan jose one of my favorites uh recently it's incredible it's incredible he's killed every time he's been on this show and this time he's especially wild because it's been two weeks in a row those are great fucking jokes sir hey that means a lot I'm a big fan absolutely your delivery even your look

I noticed today that you have this sort of like Jim Brewer you have like a comedian face really do it's good it's a good thing it's a compliment it's a good thing yeah it's a good thing now uh yeah I can't give you enough props every single joke fucking great I love I loved every single bit of it dude that means I have no tips no advice no fucking nothing so let's get to the nitty gritty remind everybody what we found out about your relationship that ended one week ago today correct yeah kind of yeah so tell us about that yeah um it's like I'm like why did I come here and talk about it it's just uh I know I have to talk about it um basically this girl I've been dating for like four months during quarantine she uh she's been like accusing me of talking to women that I've

previously been talking to before we went exclusive and I uh I was like I would have deleted these girls numbers if you would have deleted that other guy's number you were seeing she's like I'll delete his number right now and I was like what about Instagram she's like no I can't do that so I knew something was up right I think that's where we left off right exactly and and it was interesting and we had a long talk about uh about that yeah now it's been one week one fucking hell of a week and what happened this week tell us about dude I feel like I'm dying anyways um what is it about like like vaginas that do this to you it's your heart it's not your it's not a vagina it's not your penis it is your heart sir you're you're a good man and last week you were so confident

like no I don't fuck her it's over I went right over there dude I think it's also did you really yeah she's in my apartment right now oh hell yeah all right so here's the rest of the same I do whatever at your apartment right now while you're here with the guy she knew from Instagram no no all right check it out so I knew something was up right so I got really devious I'm not proud of my behavior apparently this guy's like a copywriter some shit he's up in like Washington state in a cabin she said he doesn't live here in California so I was like I'm gonna message this motherfucker and I was like hey man what's up man my name is Ryan um I write a I'm looking to write a book are you a copywriter he's like yeah hey how's it going oh my god this is amazing this is

unbelievable yeah for those of you listening at this moment you're like holy shit this sounds unbelievable I'm telling you your beliefs are confirmed this is awesome yeah go ahead Ryan then I was like yeah you know I'm gonna write a book I mean are you in California he's like well I live there but I'm in Washington right now I'll be back I was like cool so I see you're like uh mutual friends with uh so-and-so oh shit when's the last time you talked to her because she had swore she'd never talked to her we went exclusive in June and she swore she would never talk to me so anyways he's like oh we talk all the time I saw her like three weeks ago oh shit a dude fucking like sank my heart and I was like cool and I took a screenshot right like now the rage

is coming out the evil the darkness oh yeah yeah and um I took a screenshot and I sent it to her and I was like it's over bitch and dude like insanity that just went in right so then it starts kicking up right and then he I guess she messaged him right away being like that's Ryan that's Ryan and he goes like dude you're being a psycho control freak which is kind of true but whatever it's there and I was like I was like dude are you fucking my girlfriend and he was like keep fucking around no actually I was nice in a way because I was like dude man and man like what's going on just tell me you know fuck it right I'm not gonna like you know it's over or whatever and he goes keep fucking around and he sent me a picture of a knife and he's like and I'll show you

oh my goodness yeah dexter I know right so uh yeah I know dude she's like fucking retarded dexter yeah it is a retarded dexter to send the person a picture that you can take a picture of and send to the police well that's what I said to him I was like dude the and I knew how to use the word so I wouldn't get threatened I was like oh the cops will love that picture man and besides don't ever bring a knife to a gunfight oh so so I left it vague whether or not who had the gun right but like I want to kill this motherfucker still anyways um I'm sorry if I I heard someone go oh it's okay you don't know the pain he's been murdered before the girl you know we're going up with a girl for four months but dude it's like I

know I know I get it bro it's like it's like pandemic two months yeah it's pandemic pussy bro it's like uh I guess because I felt like it was the only good thing that was going on right now yeah because everything's gone dude of course yeah it's a it's a global pandemic you've been fucking a girl for the four months of the pandemic yeah it's the only thing that you're used to it's what you lean on let me ask you this million dollar question I think I know the answer you said never bring a knife to a gunfight do you own a gun dude I when Melrose was on fire I was like these conservatives are right dude everything they said and I went and bought a gun I love it and it's fucking awesome to have one yeah I know I got a fun fact that night I went and bought another

gun dude it's like the best thing in the world like you know that you could just end someone now I just sit around remember remember bud uh remember red flag red flag red flag protect yourself in a way I hope they do fucking defund the police because I'm gonna go to fucking Washington state oh god Jesus Christ by the way I never believed it all right I'm coming down I'm joking I'm joking I would never do that we know you're joking but let me ask you this do you do you think he knew that you existed did she ever tell him that she was dating another guy it gets it gets right so she starts freaking out blowing on my phone and everything and I'm of course like it's fucking over but like I'm like addicted or something like too well I just went over there to talk to her

because she's blowing on my phone and basically she's just said you know I ran into him at a laundromat three weeks ago damn this bitch is a liar and oh my god oh my god what are the odds we were just fucking and now we're at the laundromat together copywriters well Walter Walter you use help with her folder panties bro yeah Walter you literally have like 30 times the life experience than all of us up here combined have you ever had anything like this happen to you before you have any life advice for this young man well years ago my ex-wife faked her own death to escape my marriage uh so I can't relate to the quote bitches be crazy yeah I didn't believe her of course right I didn't believe her so I dude I feel like guilty saying this because like hold on I have another

question for Walter fig uh how did you find out that she faked her death uh in the newspaper she said it was announced that she was marrying my best friend oh my god what and I do and it was the morning paper that I was delivering oh my god what year was this 1942 oh my god that's how he found out that's that's in the year world margarine how could you do this to me is she still alive yes unfortunately wow she was 10 when I met her oh you brought her back to life and you're not a native american it was a different time oh my god he's about to fake her murder okay ryan tell us more uh of course I didn't believe that shit right right we're just running through the laundry of course so I grilled her right and not in the good way like I grilled her and um you grilled her like

william grills so yes so basically like like in june we decided to like be exclusive right and she told me like outright she didn't even have to tell me that she's like there's another guy I've been seen but I'm not gonna see him anymore and I was like cool when we got back apparently she hooked up with him and then you looked at her and said why can't I be your priority yeah well when you when you got back she went hooked up with him we went to we went to Arizona right and then we got back she hooked up with him do you remember what you were doing or what she said she was gonna do when she went and hooked up with this guy she's like oh I gotta go do some I'm sure it was some lie or something right you don't remember specifically no I don't remember it's all good but um anyways

so she started showing me the text and she did send him a text being like yo I can't meet up anymore I I don't want she showed you the edited that you can delete text and then show people texts like she deleted like that dick was so great last night like those ones yeah you saw the proof read yeah she's like yeah plus he's a copywriter I mean he probably grazed over it too so like little registered trademarks over some of them this was a bad idea no you're good you're good you're good we're you we're just punching up the compelling I know you threatened to kill a man and now you're saying that this is the part that's the bad idea hey I did it in like a subtle way but I'm joking if anyone's watching anyway it sounds like one of my nightmares bro it's no it's a shit show and

I'm embarrassed of my behavior dude you live in my nightmare bro dude I feel so anyways keep going Ryan so basically you know the story is that was it and she proved she did send a text to him saying you know um like you know this is uh hey I can't be your friend because she said she didn't want to stop talking to him because she didn't want to be controlled right even though dude I had no problem with her like being friends with her fucking ex boyfriend or anything like that I didn't care but so she I made I was like all right you want to be together I was like sending the message proving that all your shit's true by saying you know I don't so she sent a message and she showed it was like hey my relationship with Ryan's more important than our friendship and this is why like

when we ran into each other at the laundromat and we couldn't like you know do anything or haven't done anything with you in a couple months you know blah blah blah and he goes that guy's a big red flag so it means like I mean he wouldn't say that you don't be like oh I fucked you yesterday like so I believe her you know yeah I don't still red flag don't believe it don't let her go to the laundromat anymore no that's why you need that's why you need to get a unit with the washer dryer inside yeah she's the only girl that goes to the laundromat and takes another guy's load oh remember what it used to sound like when there was 500 people in here and I'd make a joke like that

why am I doing this you just need to let her borrow your ipad so she can sign into her cloud services on there and then you know when she's sleeping take the ipad in the other room and see what she's been up to wow she's all for that I don't want to be like that you're like the evil dr phil bro you give me a maybe anyways I said it's over and she's just Dr Phil but anyways I said it's over and she's just Dr Phil Dr fool I was prima chris so he doesn't kill me later also this whole time I'm sorry you're back with her now she's at your place she's been blowing on my phone begging to like give her another chance

and uh all my friends know about it and they think I'm like a like a little bitch which I what are your friends saying get back with her or stay away I know I know how it goes once a cheater always a cheater type shit but absolutely I know but the same time once an eater always an eater yeah bro you don't gotta get emotionally involved you just put her on the business end of your flesh musket and you know and not become emotionally attached to it basically what I told her it was like that's the gun that he got he got a flesh musket maybe he just beat her about the head and shoulder area it's not the end of your fuck stick two three times I told her because like there's a part of me that believes what she said but most of me most of myself doesn't so what

I said was like okay fine we can like um I'm just gonna wait and see until like you lie again I don't know what'll happen let me ask you this let me ask you this why do you don't you think now might be the time aren't you the are you the kind of guy that could just turn this into a strictly sexual relationship because this might be the type of girl that you I've never been into I've never been into like casual sport fucking no it's not my thing how old are you now 31 32 36 you've been dating for four months yeah I know I'm dating I mean sleeping outside a bedroom window this quarantine is fucked up okay like I'm insane now like everything's just fucked it just seems pretty toxic for four months though I know you're starting off toxic my advice would be this would be to even though

you've never been that kind of guy to be in a strictly sexual relationship now might be the time to be like you know what I'm gonna disengage my heart but I'm gonna get you want to get on the right side of history because if she's just good in bed and that's what you like about her then you could end up being on the other side of that you could be the guy that she goes to when she's in a fake relationship with someone else there's a certain power and not being fucking emotionally well like it's just naturally gone like when we're together like I'm changed I don't know what's gonna happen like before before you met her were you beaten off like fucking makes from silence in the lamps what were you doing no dude I get around you get around I was seeing other

girls and well there you go put her on your list of girls that you see maybe call one of them up and bang one of them out and I don't know what to do and it's oh here's what you do I don't care anymore you're fucking tired of the bed you bring another girl over and you make her watch your fuck the other girl hey look at that well dude welcome to Jimmy's new haunted house I did you could read about it my new book yeah I did I'm fine what the fuck's the matter with you I did some more evil shit I did some more evil shit I went on tinder right yeah and I fucking took a picture like a screenshot and I circled the number of all the matches I got sent it to her then I found like the hot like you know girl that was really hot match sent it to her and I was like fuck you

like it's just gone back and forth I'm insane I know I'm a little bitch I'm doing everything wrong I don't even care anymore this is all interesting let me tell you something you have permission to come back anytime you want to do another minute and another update to this story because it's so compelling this Ryan Joseph love story and your minutes are so absolutely great that you have a you have an open door policy here on kill time yeah you seem like a real catch a lot of girls out there would be interested so you know girls girls they come they go but here at kill Tony we're waiting for you Tony that means a lot right now indeed we're here for you they have a GPS tracker on amazon it's 40 bucks it costs $12 a month as a magnet on it you put it on the car it last two

weeks per charge this is what happened slapping on her fucking hatchback bro just fucking tracker car this is what happened I'm just watching I'm just watching like I'm just gonna see what happens yeah I love it well it all sounds emotionally healthy good for you yeah we will just keep us posted yes thanks guys you're part of the family here Ryan Joseph Ryan here he goes wow ladies and gentlemen how exciting this guy an absolute legend around the la comedy scene he is a legend of rose battle he was on kill Tony a few weeks ago and he because of his interview portion of the show we ended up getting featured on an amazing amazing site called fools gone wild this is truly one of the top young rising Mexican-american comedians of the world I present to you the

return of Los Digits what's up fools your la is a beautiful place to live in man you guys got crack heads you got the homeless people you even got magical prostitutes out here man which is kind of fucking crazy man because magical prostitutes make the world go round on your dick yeah man fuck thank you Mike hey y'all fucking um yeah man LA's a pretty good place to be at man if you have no money man if you ever want to go to Disneyland and have no money just take some fucking acid and go get your ass to skid row you'll see all the Disney characters out there man you'll see goofy you know a guy with heroin feet you see a little Mickey Mouse Salvadorian dude asking for money you know denaro ha ha it's pretty fucking crazy out there man when I first

moved to LA I didn't have no money man and I was walking through skid row on acid and some guy invited me to his tent he's like come in nephew come on in I took a little peek inside of the flaps man and I seen uh what the fuck was a crack list Narnia in there man I seen a half man half crack kid in there that she was a magical place on earth on meth low digits everybody I like that working out a long bit about uh skid row on meth is homeless magical crack heads of prostitutes hell yeah I love them there's a lot to it fuck yeah welcome back loose digits no thank you for having me man badass motherfucker so I gotta deliver his mail to my neighborhood Walter does yeah you need to stop going there dude is that true Walter I need to stop what

you need to stop going there you need to stop living here oh my goodness Walter is that because he's Mexican he is at home you don't like Mexican people Walter not like him oh my goodness yeah I'm building a tunnel to get back dark what neighborhood is that uh what neighborhood is that in where do you deliver mail Los Angeles yeah wow that's a big near near the county uh skid row man skid row you've been there downtown Los Angeles oh very good wow Walter you really know your way around yeah I'd do everything on foot yeah you do yeah you know Walter has a piece of mail from the EDD what's the EDD that uh unemployment oh my goodness is that for me yes it is such a material guess what I didn't deliver at you bitch yeah wow look at this all right fool

your benefits have been expired who told oh my goodness this might be one of my favorite rival reads ever Los digits you're a mailman from west Hollywood food so you ain't that much of a mail fool hopefully I understand that joke in another two days from now oh my goodness all right Walter relax Walter Walter are you offended by the words of Los digits hey pretend my nuts are stamps and lick them you bitch you can't be offended by Walter he's just a character digits don't worry about me so digits let's catch up about life I mean I follow you on Instagram you're one of my favorite people to follow closely you're in my algorithm I don't miss a video of yours if you post something it pops up immediately so what's been going on in life catch us up the last couple weeks since

we saw you last who I've been doing a lot of the roast battles here in the belly room now yep and been doing a lot of roast battles like England like in Australia Tokyo heck yeah just trying to get my fucking uh I don't know just trying to get my shit up you know trying to get my views up just doing what you do but other than that man just shit working in there yeah well you've been working I've been working in a lot of places there but one of them is a pizza place tell us about it this is the shit we're into yeah shout us to NYPD pizza out there man hell yeah but uh yeah man I just got a job during the quarantine I was like fuck it make some fucking pizzas you make the pizzas I make the pizzas I deliver them you make the dough do I make the dough yeah we make the dough in

the back yeah yeah yeah it's all fucking homemade it's not as bomb as probably that pizza over there right it's pretty good of course Vito's pizza range you know what some guy told me there he goes he was another Mexican dude he said I'm a professional pizza maker is that the fuck college you go to? Chucky Chispo? I'll fuck outta here man so is this your first job at a pizza joint yeah it is it's fucking easy of course it's easy what was the interview process like for that job oh that dude just called me he's like you want to work I say yeah fuck yeah dude hell yeah you got the job yeah I got the job very few jobs they go would you like a job you're like yeah fuck yeah dude that's it pizza places that's like oh that dude's a badass so yeah yeah so you work mornings

or nights I work nights yeah what's your shift normally like three to ten nah it's uh two to ten yeah two to ten yeah I make mom pizza dough yeah three eleven I make mom I made some today really yeah I don't I don't want to talk me to do it I made three good with three pizzas yeah are you made pizza I'll make pizza for fucking scratch bro oh shit and it's more delicious than any pizza I've ever had delivered to my fucking house do you have this stone like the oven stone yeah could the oven stone cook it in 15 minutes is it better than beetles yeah but sun dried pizza basil if I can go cheese on it I'll make you know for scratch but it's delicious it's pretty good we should link up and not start a pizzeria fool I know man right I'm coming I'm with

Jewish Jewish pizzeria in a quarantine fire hell yeah so digits uh last time you were on the show I asked you about uh what's the uh pickup line that you use when you first see a woman and your response was what's up fool and I go oh he starts right off with an insult and that little clip was featured on fools gone wild well yeah shout out to fools gone wild out there dog little mr e homie aha I love fools gone wild you know lying you should try you should just walk up and point through a couch and go you know that thing's just not gonna eat itself yeah not so try that one sometimes I like to ask him hey how high are your socks fool that's what you say to a girl yeah sometimes you know the higher the socks the donor the foolia fool damn is that true if a girl

wears high socks she's got a bomb pussy if she wears high socks that means she's down for anything really even karate chop a motherfucker in the neck you can karate chop a girl in the neck if no no she'll karate chop somebody for you fool oh fire is called love that's the type of girl if she got high socks on high socks though my goodness gracious tell us more even under the pants tell us more uh of these cholo secrets to life that we don't we have no idea there's a lot of them out there I just can't be exposing them like that you feel me oh my goodness give us just one more so high socks means that she's a oh like pick a blend yeah oh damn well I mean this is not really a pick a blindfold but yeah you know sometimes when they're you know I'll be like somewhere

I'll be like hey fool you dropped that and they'll be like what my number bitch that should work and that should work smooth try it it's pretty fun it works it works it's sort of guy I love the bitch at the end yeah it's strong if you guys you gotta let them know where they're from no more bitch oh shit digits I fucking love it man so you've been going uh you've been going out back out to Palm Springs at all yeah I work in Palm Springs right is that where you live I live there now yeah living in the indio indio so I'm going back and forth and then you know I like to party a lot and go to Vegas and shit how do you stay cool during the days it's unbelievably hot they made this

actually like they made this thing like you put it on the walls and shit call the ac dog but I don't know what you guys call it over here in LA fool because I haven't seen one over here dog only at the Momo what's the Momo the Motel fool oh shit my god this is so cool I always learn the irony is that uh I learned more from digits than almost anyone else that comes on the show I learn new words I learn uh pickup lines if I ever use that I'm gonna use that tonight I'll tell you you drop that and then the girl's like what am I number bitch it's weird when a white guy does it though you hear that oh you dropped my phone number you bitch you can say puta it doesn't have any ring to it do we ever hear why is his your name is digits like I used to be graffiti artists fool

yeah and when I moved to LA I just put a los in front of it for LA you know los oh cool so I'm los digits now that's great for many loan as digits where can we see uh some of your graffiti um all on my website I mean not website on my instagram okay and that's and that's and then everywhere else there's one actually uh my name up there on the bathroom stall so check it out oh don't don't graffiti the comedy store not any graffiti the comedy story I just wrote my name that's one way to do it that's one way to get your name on the wall here yeah you should have done yeah the white cursive I'm not allowed to tell the wall and then your instagram is what is it los now his name's on the wall it's written in black yeah it's like los digi gits that's my

instagram name and my my web yeah all right I'm across all platforms on los digits man and I got a www.losdigits.com fool I love it if you want to see my battles or anything check that out absolutely we will digits thank you so much thank you guys there he goes the great digit we we got one more name in the bucket we're gonna knock it out real quick even though we're going long here ladies and gentlemen I present to you uh a guy that uh seemed like he really wanted to get up earlier he's been on the show a couple times before it's been a really long time so here we go we're gonna knock it out quickly bandeau everybody here comes bandeau here he is ladies and gentlemen bandeau it's been a rough quarantine I caught my wife cheating

my own eyes she's sitting there they were eating spaghetti so I confronted them how dare you eat carbs I don't know been on a carnivore diet now for about two years I haven't eaten a vegetable in two years for not counting like paraplegics anyways people talk a lot about these masks people talk a lot about these masks I heard people arguing that masks are dangerous when that when they wear them when they're driving because you can't see the others face I don't think that's going to be a problem because I can still tell when they're Asian anyways a lot of people watching Netflix talking about that uh new Kevin Hart thing I never been a big Kevin Hart fan you know I uh and I heard his new special was a lot of transphobia and

homophobia so I think I'm going to check it out actually all right I don't know man I like I like my women like I like my fish battered all right wow Jesus Christ I love this I've always wondered what it would be like if Joe Rogan had brain trauma this is exciting you're like Joe broken it's incredible I get that a lot at the open mics I bet you everybody says you're like a generic Joe Rogan I bet you do no generic Joe Rogan generic isn't quite the same I I really believe like Joe Rogan if Winnie was a kid like really like you know had an accidental taekwondo match in a room filled with cement and just bashed his head against something but it's good all right it's good instead of on it you have off it

it's like Joe Rogan if there was a factor for him yeah have you really been on the carnivore to diet that long yeah I just hit two years on August 18th that's the best health of my life it's amazing I wonder what I wonder what Joe Rogan would say about this guy and the set uh that he just had I maybe we could call him try to get him on speakerphone and uh let's see what uh what Joe has to say about uh about any of this Joe uh Joe are you there you know a lot of steroids and deadlifts how are you getting the lower back muscles to give someone a proper fucking yeah wow all right Joe just jumping straight into it as fast as he can angry about it yeah honored he's very passionate about this um so wow there's a lot there Joe do you think uh Joe what do you think this guy should

do uh about his wife cheating on him look game he will say silly shit oh my goodness all right he thinks you're gay is there any truth to that are you gay absolutely not 100 no Joe he says he's not gay so I'm saying well I mean you have to say something else come on this sweet dick yeah oh my god all right he's completely convinced that you're gay have you ever done anything with a man at all nothing sexual no no what's the most sexual thing you've done with a man arm wrestle I tagged team the girl once years ago with a buddy of mine wow that's so good oh my goodness no I was a fucking you guys share like the same hole at the same time no no no we double peed yeah like one in the ass one and you did do that oh absolutely one in the ass one in the vagina but you didn't

go double vaginal penetration no no no okay but you're one of your balls were hitting the other guy's dick it could have happened but I can't come unless she was really scrotums bro I can't come unless we're bagging scrotums so let me ask you this I'm not gay but you know we're doing a dp were you on the bottom the girl was on top and your buddy was from behind or were you the guy from behind both we've switched around whoa switched around was there one point where she was on the bottom he was on the top and you were hitting it from behind and it was the guy's you don't like anyone any friendly fire in that situation bro did you guys end up coming at the same time yeah I recall there was a lot of worn out condoms a layer of sweat just started pouring out of his forehead at the moment

that I asked did you come at the same time you let the record state he was not sweating before he started sweating right then anyway that was a good time long time my goodness Joe do you think there's anything perhaps gay about what he just said but you can't let him get goofy like what do you mean by that exactly I never I mean this is on stage only I have like arguments with gay people but in real life I'm pretty passing okay okay all right forget it Joe forget this is too much information oh wow so that's interesting Bando I'm glad that you made it in here um how long you've been doing stand-up just under two years under two years all of it here in Los Angeles yep is this where you're born and raised nope Cleveland Ohio oh Cleveland Ohio hell yeah we're all Ohioans here

at least me and red ban are and that's where you were up until two years ago oh no I've been I just started doing stand-up two years ago I've been in California since oh five awesome what do you do for work well right now with COVID I had a I had a club in Long Beach called therapeutic noise comedy club and I had a close down in June I also used to own a security company so I've been a security consultant that's right but I lost I've already lost over six figures of money because of this COVID stuff so it's been rough yeah luckily my wife works so yeah I had to close my club which really sucked because that was kind of my passion project you know right of course it's a tough time but we'll we'll we'll we'll recoup we'll come back the economy was uh the economy was absolutely

booming before this pandemic and we'll probably get back there again so now I'm doing I'm actually a strength coach I strength train out in Orange County where I live really I do like one-on-one super slow high intensity strength training super safe and effective it's like one 30 minute work out a week what kind of uh what what are we talking about it's like it's like medical grade nautilus style equipment machines I work I work a lot of old people out you know they come out they get better bone density and get stronger and they you know can you show us can you give us an example of like one of the workout so I mean the idea of the workout is that you're just eliminating momentum you're not counting reps you're counting time under load and like it's just one-on-one so I'm

like really watching all their posture everything they're giving everything they got they're taking wait are you talking about the guy when you were having to breathe some again let's talk about posture and loads you know he should get Mitch involved in this Mitch if he wasn't in the fitness protection program you get Mitch involved thanks he was in the fitness protection he says he's working out he got heavier silverware let's sit here's the thing I do that and then I do strength I do uh also carnivore coaching for people so I so I help them with you know change their behaviors so they can actually stick to the plan and then I also I'm putting together what's uh it's a conflict anger management kind of coaching program for

people so you only eat meat there's only been meat in your mouth again not talking about the three some I pretty much eat once a day and I eat about two and a half to three pounds of ribeye typically on workout days I'll throw some eggs or some seafood in there the only thing I eat that is is kind of off carnivore as I consume coffee but I do with butter like a bulletproof style I do coffee with butter and collagen yeah I'd say coffee still I'm one of yeah I was doing an Atkins diet the Chet Atkins diet just liquor and cigarettes they lose any weight but wait who's Chet Atkins he's a fucking blues musician who fucking is shot heroin and fucking his fucking horrible person he died but his music's great that's looking him up I love a good blues artist

that's a hard diet to do because I did keto for like seven months six months and just not being able to eat fruit like broken oh yeah for me it's like I started I used to be a hundred I used to be a hundred ten pounds heavier so like seven years ago I changed I did the keto thing so to me carnivore is easy if you progressively get to it the lack of fruit is what broke you all the all the fruit and yeah so yeah dude I love fruit I love watermelon and peaches apples I'm a big fruit guy I miss blueberries probably the most fruit you sound like it you're talking like like just a papaya some mango I don't like mango it tastes like carpet I don't like mango you know what carpet it tastes like it's a fuck chemical taste oh you've had some bad man yeah it has a

weird chemically taste I want you cut the seed out of it you can put those two halves together fuck it fuck mango all right well Bando we're running out of time we got one more one more legend to get up here but thank you so much thank you coming through man I'm glad we were able to get you up here oh fun fact fun fact about Bando getting up tonight is that I had already had four people sign up and I and I happen to be in the back of the parking lot talking with our next and final comedian of the night and I was having a conversation with him and out of the out of the behind me out of the corner of my ear I heard uh I heard some guy go yeah so there's no chance uh sign ups and then one of the managers was like nope that's already been uh it's already been um

you know they already have enough people that are committed to the show blah blah blah and this guy was like fuck man fucking shit fuck I'm like oh I gotta get this guy up so how about one more time for Bando everybody they need some fruit so that's the that's the that's the the gateway to my heart is if I hear you cuss only cuss words five times in a row like oh I gotta help this person speaking of the gateway to my heart I'm completely undoubtedly in love with your final comedian of the night you know I'm you're in love with them too I present to you the great Michael Lair everybody don't have enough time this show we have a lot of time you can go as long as you want Michael Lair everybody no Tony it's my show and this show is a bastion of taxis and I am prof taxing

and I'm here to help so many now I caused a lot of the taxis in me um underneath the Thinvilla character of hammer Rita is that Jessica Johnstone and she told me I called her too much and I said that I don't reject that I don't reflect that I inject that I don't catch that now the rest of you have a lot of lessons to learn about taxis and I wrote a play for a uniball form all six of you please distribute the script oh my goodness there's a script being handed out right now yes off toxic everybody please prop toxic what is it what is it that you do again I'm Michael Lair I'm the number one ALS comedian in the world but I'm also a prof taxing in the academia of thespianism finding taxis in the arts Tony please read the cover and then begin the plan

the cover is unbelievable this is kill toxic a live action manual regarding the toxicity that is everything kill Tony I can't wait for this it's been a long time coming and here we go it starts over there hey jesse what you up to uh blowing out my trumpet spit valve very dangerous in the age of corona lol hey wait can I can I just stop for a second I think you guys should do impressions of Jeremiah walkins and jesse johnson oh I understand now can we take it from the top and I apologize action hey jesse what you up to uh blowing out my trumpet spit valve very dangerous in the age of corona lol no doubt you're so funny if you were not my sister I would so date you no doubt even though you are my brother but the main reason we should not date is because we work together no doubt

I did not consider how our incestuous affair might affect our co-workers no doubt moving on do you ever get tired of joelberg and chroma chris looking down on us from the ivory tower of patriarchy that is the so-called drumstand no doubt I look forward to a time when everyone in the killtony band performs at the same elevation hey can I ask you something joelberg no doubt chroma chris doesn't Jeremiah and jesse's relationship just gross you out no doubt they are definitely having sex and they are definitely brother and sister but but sexuality is fluid so it's not our place to judge no doubt no doubt hey what is the name of this thing that I hold that makes the sounds that's a guitar uh guitar right right it's funny no matter the song my hands always feel like

they're building and taking a part of a machine gun that's ptsd we all have it that's why I take sponsored cratum my ptsd comes from the feeling from feeling marginalized by Jeremiah's endless parade of saxophones no doubt you know Jeremiah's tiny saxophone is a personification of microaggression no doubt i got a lot of speaking parts in this one it turns out no doubt but i'm not worried about that i'm more worried about tony might be satan tony definitely worship satan no i think tony is literally satan the mark of the beast festers and swells on the back of his fucking neck well i don't know about all that but would it surprise you to know that i hail satan no doubt no doubt i understand that you may not see eye to

eye with tony and i satanic worship but no doubt we appreciate your service to america that allows tony and i italian and mexican migrants the freedom to worship satan no doubt but i really think tony might be the devil no doubt but fuck it and let's hear that machine gun per hey red band yeah tony can i have some of that sponsored cbd cream i think i got a mosquito bite the back of my neck feels on fire no you might be satan but we'll figure that out after we sell 10 000 of these butt hoses feels like nowadays all we do is figure things out thank god we have you along for the ride dr red band honestly nowadays i consider myself more of an environmentalist i just want to eat the world i'm changing my name to brian e-band

no doubt no doubt doing my part to save the world one assistant rotation of my bicycle pedals at a time maybe kill tony is like one of your stupid fucking e bikes we all power ourselves from week to week but sometimes we need a little assistance yeah yeah yeah yeah and depending on how much delicious veto pizza charlie stuff's in my fucking face i may need a little more assistance than usual oh joe berg good night and hail satan from everyone on the blah blah blah kill tony podcast wow wow that was powerful extremely well ridden prof toxic well i hope you all don't learn the lesson we did yeah and you are sitting for sure no doubt no doubt

no doubt no doubt kill tony is just a big fucking e bike that's a big e bike on the internet yeah man power would a little help from david doing and a little is a strong word prof toxic i only have one more question for you before we end this episode um how why are you so wet um it appears as though even your glasses are covered with sweat um the whole the halls of academia are a nervous place nowadays no doubt no doubt well prof toxic what are you going to do next um i think i'm going to talk to lower stitches and i'm bowing and i'm one of those

pizza i want to me prof toxic ladies and gentlemen what an episode kill tony check out zero tolerance the new album from jimmy shuberd available everywhere on itunes thank you michael lair michael laircomedy.com for everything michael lair believe it or not i do believe prof toxic was from michael lair i mean it was so incredible the entire time i didn't even notice that was you that was my favorite thing that you've uh done you're absolutely incredible halfway through that script i thought to myself

how the fuck did this happen that this genius fucking came to us did you see i'm doing the conductor i mean it's just unbelievable well you know what you know what life is hard and we all go through human shit on micro and macro level and no doubt i am and individually we all have our crosses to bear but all i fucking know is tony and script and brian brett bang gave me rocket fuel for the rest of my life and i will always be grateful for that thank you brother thank you thank you and you give us rocket fuel too there's a synergy goes both ways let's check out the drawing from ryan je bell he draws every single episode look at that bad mamma jamma damn it's like a magicians box right it's a magic box kt magic absolutely awesome

there's the band there's the cat that's me absolutely unbelievable ryanjebell.com for that those prints everything every tour poster new shirts ryanjebell.com one more time how about a hand for the great jimmy shuber joining us hey thanks for having me on man it was a blast absolute comedy store royalty is new album zero tolerance is available on itunes go get it we love you jimmy thank you the great jeremiah wattkins was yeah walter fig tonight he's on venmo at jeremiah dash wattkins who you got on the podcast this week uh well if you've missed the last couple weeks maybe uh you might have seen the kill tony band on there there's some new dr phil uh jeremiah wonders episodes and i've got a new breakfast show where i eat cereal with friends

and strangers over the internet uh and then lots of stand-up clips at jeremiah wattkins youtube thanks for having absolutely jeremiah wattkins the great jet ski johnson everybody she's on social media jet ski johnson and uh she's got some new merch that is absolutely awesome it's actually the coolest thing ever brand new jet ski johnson ornaments you could use them as christmas ornaments but they're really what we would call in any occasion ornament you can get them by going to jet ski johnson at gmail.com i got it yeah yeah you're the i'm surprised i'm shocked that that was available jet ski johnson at gmail.com they're twenty dollars and twenty five dollars plastic or glass right and she showed them to me before the show have you seen these yet they're so cool she makes them

herself handmade one of the you know greatest characters in the history of the show you gotta check these out check them out they're on her instagram at jet ski johnson and she's selling them and she'll send them to you right jet ski thanks tony yep that's uh that's am i missing anything no that's that's it buy a jet ski johnson ornament go to jet ski johnson at gmail.com maybe you can even go straight through her instagram but why not send her an email she'll respond to yeah either way exactly just put all occasion ornament well hamatha great stuff tonight any occasion ornaments handmade by jet ski johnson guys how about a hand for marv merv the mailman marv the mailman that was actually chroma chris all night tell us more chroma yes you could follow

me on uh i'm only on instagram and vimbo at uh at chroma chris what do you think about tonight's episode marv it was first class tony and also hail satan hail satan indeed always and forever guys spoiler alert carl malone that was actually joelberg joel himenez everybody joel tell us more oh i'm at mostly sorry uh send me money on venmo as well joel dash himenez why not absolutely send us all money why not i'm on patreon patreon.com slash hinge cliff roast university i go over roast history roast advice roast battles comedy central roast all the way back to rickles the friars club we just talk about what i love talking about the most which is making fun of people if you want to get better at it you can learn a lot at roast university check out a virtual red band check out

brothers and cursive we have a new patreon we have a bunch of new stuff that we're doing on there including a video game show on their patreon uh go to desk squad dot tv yeah that's right i have a bunch of new shirts up at tony hinge cliff dot com two golden pony gear dot threadless dot com oh Jeremiah has something i forgot uh my merch store is now open uh Jeremiah Watkins dot com it's been down for a little bit it's back open it's back open everybody you wanted it there it is Jeremiah Watkins dot com thank you so much for coming out everybody thanks for watching we'll see you guys soon