KILL TONY - KT #473 - ANNIE LEDERMAN

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Annie Lederman, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 09/21/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—HAWTHORNE.CO – GET 10% OFF YOUR PURCHASE: HAWTHORNE.CO

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Ban, coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store, Main Room, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliff. Hello, everybody. Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. We're back again. How are you, Brian Redban? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm great. Good to be here at the world-famous comedy store in another incredible evening here on a Monday with the great Kill Tony. And no one better in this room than our artist that draws every single episode.

The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everybody. It looks so good. Ryan J. Ebelt draws all of our tour posters, every single episode of the show, and even some new limited edition Kill Tony T-shirts. Everything's at ryanjebelt.com for the Kill Tony art. He does some auctions over there. It's really cool. Check it out, ryanjebelt.com. I really like that. Do you see the one he drew recently with the book, where it looked like an old book with the writing on the box? Old school children's book. There's a snake on a rope. I love that one. There's a lot of... You should do kids' books. That's a good book. It felt kids' bookie. It did. I think he could do that easily.

Are kids still reading books nowadays? You should do a kid iPad thing. Anyway, I'm all jacked up to the gullets on caveman coffee right now. Love caveman coffee. Use the promo code Kill Tony. Save 20%. And I also have carbohydrates running through my blunt stream from delicious Vito's pizza. What was that? I'm telling you, the fucking pizza, the coffee, it's got me going. You got there. Anyway, Vito's pizza is all around Southern California. I'm hooked on all their delicious food. Check them out. We're going to have fun tonight. This is very, very exciting. But before we do, let's hear a little more about our sponsors that made this episode possible. Hiring can be challenging, but zip recruiter makes it fast

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four sign ups, three regulars to get through. But before that, I should bring out a guest. We are back to doing guests again and I am so excited about this one. This is someone who I have been friends with for a while, you know, coworkers together, but we have really become super tight during this global pandemic. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians. You know her from everything. And you also know her from a recent amazing appearance on the Joe Rogan experience. I present to you one of my good pals and one of my favorite comedians, the great Annie Letterman, everybody. Boom. Oh my goodness. Fresh off the tennis court, Annie Letterman. That's right. I actually didn't play tennis, but I wear the outfit. I feel like

if you wear the outfit, you might play tennis. That's exactly how I feel. And that's why I dress like a golfer all the time now. We do. Tony and I, we match in rich people outfits. Yep. But you know what I liked listening to Brian talk about? Two people know that's her name. Red Band. I like listening to Red Band talk about books. And then when I walked in, it was watching him struggle to try to read the fucking ad. It was amazing, right? Like, is he going to get through it? We usually have it on little around big pieces of paper. I was looking at my and then put hashtag Tony's podcast. Anyway, welcome tennis player. Penis Williams guys. It's my new character, Penis Williams. Oh my goodness. What's so special about Penis Williams?

Does she have a penis? Well, I did. I did coke with one of them. Whoa. So I don't like to say her name. Oh my goodness. Years ago. Does it rhyme with Serena? It rhymes with vagina. All right. Well, this is going to be fun. Annie, it's been a while since you've been on this show. I did it with Roddy Piper. Oh my goodness. That's the last time you did it. I killed him. Wow. He worked with me and then dropped dead. He was like, Oh, that was it. He's been through the ringer with everyone, but you're the one that pushed him over the edge. Like, who was this? Was she a lesbian? I can't tell. That's how it works. That's how it works with you. You were also the last person to hang out with Brodie Stevens. You murdered a lot. You were Robin Williams

last opener. That's true. I gave him Parkinson's. Did you know it's a sexually transmitted disease? Yeah. All right, guys. This is a tough crowd in here. I'm nervous. I'm sweating. We're going to have fun. Annie, I don't even know if you remember it's been so long, but we have a band on this show. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been getting ready in the back. Maybe they're astronauts. Maybe they're reptilian soothsayer or Lincoln Park. I hope they're in blackface. Could be anything can happen. I present to you the best band in the land, the Kiltoni band, Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris, and Jetsky Jesse Johnson. I'm in. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Wow. The sweet, sweet sport. Oh, my God. Wow. My goodness, like real basketball players. You can hear the flatness of the spalding, the Jeremiah has the first noise. I heard was the classic sound of a flat basketball bouncing off the main room stage. Not to be confused when red band was reading that. But anyway, okay, Jesus, I need Joel. Welcome basketball players. What is your name? Yo, what of is a homie T switch? And that's my boy rim job back there. That's right. I remember you guys. It's been a long time. You've been on this show before T switch and rim job. However, oh T switch. Okay. That's important. Do you make a lot of shots because you look like you'd be.

We wouldn't be able to count on you for a free throw. I'm actually very good at basketball. You bitch. We're gonna have to see. Maybe we'll have a little shooting competition later. And then what do we got back here? Who's they? I've never seen you with these basketball players. What's up? I'm a W street baller. Oh my goodness. And I'm a slam drunk. I drink on the court and I slam drunk. That's me. Wow. Wild ginger. I love that. Goodness. You're like stone cold Stephanie Austin got a little bud light there. How exciting. You look like if Kathy Griffin got stung by bees in the morning time. What's your name? Slam drunk. So that's your actual name. Okay. Wow. That had to be an odd trip to the DMV. These are our bird names homie. Oh, they're just your

basketball. They're your court names. Yeah. Wow. And who's this young whippersnapper back here? Looks like he only shoots threes. Haha. Yeah. You know, you got red band up front and you got urban back here. Oh my God. Is that your name? Hell yeah. Urban back here laying it up dunking it shooting threes from downtown shooting threes or banging threes. These guys all sound like they never even watched a basketball game before. Just shooting shots from downtown Tony. Exciting. I have never watched a basketball. I grew up without a TV Tony. So wow, you always wear that mask. Yeah, that's right. I'm rim job. I got to keep my mouth clean so I could eat that ass later. Wow. My goodness. You have a you have a steady girl that who's asked you eat or do you get around

a lot? She. Oh, what is it? She. Wow. Shit. That's what eating ass is. It's shit. Rim job. T switch slam drunk T switch like a switch homie. Oh, that's right. He's confusing his personal life of switches. What? That's a game. Wow. One person gets it. Can we switch him out? What do you mean? Switch? No, it's like a gay term. Oh, you're the only one that knows the gay term in the room. What does that mean? Like a switch. Like I think do either like a Nintendo switch. That's what I thought you meant. Your microphone started to make more sense. I've never heard of the I've learned so many sexual things on this show. Like what's the one where you put the pencil in the dick hole? Oh, sounding. That was a classic one. What was another one? There was

another weird one. What's switching like switching positions? I know. I think it's switching like like you can top or bottom. Yeah. All right. I don't know. T switch rim job slam drunk and urban back here. The whole band is here. Annie Letterman. Let's start the show. Shall we? This is kill timing. Comedians get 60 seconds. Then we interview them afterwards. Starting off the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I mean truly an icon on the show. An absolute monster. I love them more than anything. Sometimes I give them some good old tough love. Try to squeeze the best out of them like you would with a delicious orange in the morning time. If you're into fresh juices. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, what else can I say? Long time regular. Great comedian. Here's

William Montgomery. Oh boy. Here he is. Don't you want to squeeze them? One minute uninterrupted from William Montgomery. I haven't seen Jack Nicholson on the sideline lately. That's my impression of a poser Lakers fan. For all the atheists that hate my material as late great Rick Miranda said, God bless the haters. Y'all ever notice how every commercial these days has a product? What's the name of that band that played that song you hear when you accidentally call a fax number? No, really? What's that band's name? You know times are tough when your coke dealer goes to rehab. No, seriously. Oh man, a good friend in Memphis had to go to rehab in Scarlet. I just want to say I loved your voice in the movie her. Thank you. Okay, there's a minute. And there

you go. William Montgomery. California. There you go. William Montgomery. Another very funny set. 45 seconds of thunder and lightning. And then then you start just commenting on things. It's pretty awesome. I like that fax machine song. You do. I know that's about Axel left, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are talking about great references. Jack Nicholson, Rick Moranis. Rick Moranis is actually not dead, but he's a huge Christian. He's a recluse. He's a recluse. Have you ever been a recluse? I have been bitten by a brown recluse before. You have? What happened? Very toxic bite. I almost had to get my lower leg amputated. Oh my goodness. Oh, there it is. Yeah, thanks for the snake sound. That's the sound of a spider. The closest thing I

had. How'd you do a snake sound? What were you doing when you got bit by a spider? Were you outdoors? I was, I guess you could say hollering at. It was some African American girl in the south side of Memphis. We were on her water bed. A water bed? A water bed. She had a water bed. She had a water. Black girl had a water bed. What do you mean? I lost my Virginia on a water bed. I grew up with one. Yeah, you grew up with a black girl or a water bed. Okay. African American excuse. The problems with water beds is they weigh so much that you can't really have them on a floor. So the black girls are the water where they ever it's still the water beds. I don't think they were ever really comfortable. Were they? Oh, no, this one. They had different

models like mine almost felt like a real bed, but it was the black girl or the water. Yeah, right. It depends how big they are. That's what I was about to say. The cool thing is you could heat it up. So you just sat in and you're just like on this warm, fleshy feeling bubble. It felt great. I lost my Virginia when I was 14. Northeast Philadelphia were a fucking bumping DMX. It was fucking sick, dude. I got sick. How was it? Did you? How long did it last? It wasn't good. I don't know how long it lasted. I didn't know time. I couldn't tell time back then. I was 14. I was you couldn't tell time at 14. I couldn't. I was a very slow kid. He took advantage of me. Thanks for bringing it up. My God. Did he lose his virginity too? No, he had already lost his

virginity in prison. No, he did end up in prison though. Not for fucking me at 14, but heroin. Turns out if you get your kid a water bed in high school, they're going to be a heroin addict. I've read that. It's true. So you were on the you were on a water bed with a black girl. Then what happened? I felt something tickling my lower right leg. I tried to swat whatever was off my lower right leg. Turned out to be a big brown recluse. Oh my goodness. It bit me. Oh, there it is. The next day we go to see the Harlem Globetrotters. No, you didn't wait. No, you didn't show. You're making up a story about hanging out with a black girl and this is what you think they went to the globe. Harlem Globetrotters. You think they just go see the Harlem Globetrotters. We

went to a game. They were in southern Tennessee. They beat the Washington Nationals. No, that's a baseball team. You know, it's weird though. Jack Nicholson was in the front row. That is a callback. That is true. There's four people in the room. And that was good. Did you really do cocaine with one of the the tennis players? I did. I did. Where were y'all at the standard across the street here? Was it the standard hotel? After she was her first time and after she did it, she went, oh my god, my dad doesn't let me do anything. And I was like, our dads don't let us do coke either, by the way. Your dad just made you like the most athletic person on earth. Your dad was right. Ours was wrong. That's incredible. So cool. William,

what's been going on this week in your normal real life? I still have the same shorts on. Yeah, very bizarre. Oh my god. Busted out of them. How often you wash those? I've asked you this. It's not my dick is my tummy. Now we know that's your tummy. Part dick, part tummy. It's the same. David Lucas has this video on his phone of his first time meeting William two years ago, and he has the exact same shorts on. No way. Is that true? Were they broken? These are the only shorts I wear. I did not. I bought Birkenstocks. I'm wearing my new Birkenstocks. Oh my god. Super comfy. Do you usually highly recommend? Call your dad real quick. Call your dad. Put him on speakerphone. We need to get you some new shorts. Tommy's told us my previous plans

of having people send you shorts did not work. What size do you wear again? Oh, I think we know. I think it's a large large. Well, it looks like it's a what medium. It looks like you're wearing a thirty six thirty two. That's why it's broken. Call your dad on speakerphone real quick. My phone. I don't have my phone on me. Yes, you do. If you're listening to my back, send in shorts to William. Right. Right. I want to give my photo my backpack. You just grab his backpack. This is important. Now the phone's on top. Oh, it's on top. Here we go. We're going to call Mr. Thanks, Rick. We have to get. Can you FaceTime him? I want to see him. This is the music from that game, the Harlem Glove Trotters game that him and the black girl went to.

Also, he said African American, which sounds like the N word. Now don't you think it's like he's trying. It's worse, right? It really is. Since the birdwatching bitch. Oh, here we go. Put him on speaker, turn the volume all the way up. Might be late over there, huh? Wake his ass up. It's kill Tony after 11 volume up. Put it right. Put the microphone to the bottom of the phone, William. Hi, Mr. Mr. Montgomery. It's Tony Hinchcliffe. Can you hear me? Oh my gosh. Yeah. How you doing, Tony? I'm great, man. You know, I just wanted to hear your voice and say hello. You know, we're big fans of you over here. We're doing an episode live right now and I want to talk with you about the shorts that William has been wearing for what

appears to be pretty much two years continuously. It's not a short time. Let's just say that. Yeah. He says that it's the only pair of shorts that he wears. What can we do about this? I don't. I think he's been wearing those since he was a sophomore in high school. No loyalty or debt. No loyalty. I love that. And he has sometimes they've been too big for him and sometimes they've been too small. Well, we're at the small part, Dad. Oh my goodness. We're definitely at the small part. The front is busted open. He's Louis C. Kang all of us right now. Yeah. Yeah. You need to invest in another pair of shorts. What do you think we should do? Should we start a fundraiser or something like that? Or maybe we

should. Short costs like $20. I think those things set him back originally maybe about $12. We could probably find the exact manufacturer of their shorts and buy a new pair of their shorts, William. You know what? That's what we're going to do. We solved the problem, Mr. Montgomery. Thank you so much for talking with us. Thank you, Papa. I love you. We love you. We miss you. Come back. Visit us soon. We will. We love y'all and miss y'all too. Awesome. Bye-bye. He's the best. Why did y'all fucking do that to me when Papa was on the phone? That was so cute. Y'all made me look like a fool. Your pants made you look like a fool. And your father made you look like a fool. He really

upped the ante. He told us you've had those since you were a sophomore in high school. He said that they've been too big on you. They've been too small on you that you fluctuated weights through your life problems. It's like you're a little blanky at this point. What? Is that like you're a little blanky? Are you scared to get rid of those shorts for a reason? Oh, it's so upsetting how small they are on you. Jeremiah, do you like them? I see you looking, Jeremiah. Is that a plastic bag coming out of your boxers? I see what you're wearing. It's dope. Thank you. William. All right. William. All right. You think that if we bought you a new pair of those shorts, would you wear them? Yeah. Do you know the brand of those shorts? They're old Navy. These are Mountain Hardware.

What are they? Mountain Hardware. Mount Hardware? Mountain Hardware. Mounted Hardware? Mountain Hardware. Size what? 36. These are probably a 36. But what do you need? 38, obviously. 38. No, I got a 40 and they were way too big. 38. 38. Oh, you attempted and you overshot? I love that. I got a 40. I got a size 40. It was it was sad. I looked like a fucking clown. They were down around your ankles. They were and I tried to put a belt on and god damn. And then put it on your neck accidentally. Mountain Hardware. There it is. Pants and shorts are the one of the first things that comes up. Oh my goodness. Oh, these are expensive. That's why they last so long. Yeah. Look at that. Really great shorts. How'd you get the original pair yourself more

year? Your parents or your grandma or someone? I was working at an outdoor store in Memphis, Tennessee. What was the outdoor store called? Outdoors Incorporated. Outdoors Incorporated. Is that when you just put your cup out and people put? Wow, guys breaking news. They absolutely have the exact same shorts. Oh my god. They were for $38. I think that's William to the bottom. Short. 38 bucks. I remember around Christmas time when I was working there, Lawrence, the main manager gave everybody a hundred dollar bill for a Christmas bonus and he didn't give me one. Why? And I wanted to cry that night. I feel like I know why. Why didn't he give you a bonus? I don't know. I don't know. I remember exactly did you do there?

I worked and at that point in time, I worked in the, what is that place called? It's like a big enclosed building with where you have a bunch of products and a warehouse. I worked in the warehouse. Yeah. What'd you do at the warehouse? I got closed. I stole a bunch of shit. What did you do on the shorts? What did you do for work at the warehouse? People would buy stuff on the internet and I would find their products that they were looking for. I would get them and Lawrence didn't give me a hundred dollar Christmas bonus. Do you think it's because you were stealing from him? He didn't know. He knew. I mean, we have it all wrong up here. It's on sale in fact. Spoiler alert. What's it? Men's J tree short is on sale for $45. That's the pocket.

They have three inseams though, seven, nine and 11. What's your inseam? My guess is yours is a nine 11. Yeah, because it is a disaster because you're falling. The twins are falling because it smells like nine 11. It smells like hundreds of innocent corpses. Okay. Alright, that was too far. Come on. The three nine 11 jokes got last before that. You say innocent corpses one time. Everybody gets all morning in here. God. Oh my God. The pictures they have of these shorts William. Turn around to see your butt. What your butt looks like in these shorts. There is a hole in the and there's a hole in your. Oh my God. There's a hole right in his butthole right there. Can we get someone to measure Williams inseam? Have you ever pooped

out of the hole? Yes. No, come on. There's a little. There's a hole underneath it that goes right to let me see. Let's see it. Sit down. Sit down on that table behind you, William. Yeah, do the Sharon. Zoom in on this. Do the Sharon stone. Yeah, just lean back. Oh my God. Oh my God. What is that? Look at that. Oh, that's a big hole. Oh my God. It's a vaginal hole. Oh my God. Huge hole. That's a big picture of me with the black girl in Memphis. Just under water bed. William, move your hand. Yeah, don't hold it like you're holding your camera. Okay, no. Hold it again. Lean back. What a good song. Spread your legs out. Spread your legs. Lean back. Let the light get in there, William. It's very dark. Oh God. Oh no, I see red hair. Oh no,

that's my pubes. Okay. All right. You can zoom out, Zach. Let me shoot the basketball in there. I know I can make it. What the fuck did you just say? I can shoot that basketball right in that hole. Oh God. Slam drunk is talking some smackaroonies. Yeah, what happened there? Yeah. All right, William. Well, so much fun. Great set. Great interview. Great talk with your pops. There he goes. The great William Montgomery. RIP, Jack Nicholson. All right. The NFL season is back, and I got to tell you where I'm betting and winning money, money, money. My bookie.ag. I bet with my bookie.ag. I win with my bookie.ag. And I love my bookie.ag. Right now, my bookie.ag is matching our listeners up to $1,000. All you have to do is go to my

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I thought were new people that haven't had a shot yet. But this is one of those people that I thought were new. But it turns out he was on a few weeks ago, he said. So let's see what happens here. The comedy stylings of Reagan Wartner, everyone. Here we go. Hey, yeah, yeah. Please step back from that ledge, my friend. Here he is, Reagan Wartner. So over the past year, year is a lot of my friends have been of the female variety, you know. And with this, I learned they like to talk about their significant other sex life in a pretty great detail. And I hate this, you know, it's a lose, lose. They're going to lock in on one big flaccid disappointment, or they're just going to write me off to begin with. I mean,

I can't have you spouting all our dirty deeds the whole world. I mean, I think that's why Bill Cosby did what he did, you know. I mean, everyone knew how much he hated a dirty joke. So Sanok Comic-Con just got canceled, you know. I mean, it's a shame I had my costume ready and everything. I mean, I was going to go as the Batman, you know, had the rice hat, the chopsticks, only missing the COVID, you know. But it's looking like I'm not going to be able to get the COVID. So I'm going to have to go to one of those COVID parties. Have you guys heard about those, where you go and intentionally try to catch a new disease? I mean, it's like going to gay bar in the 80s. Reagan Wartner. So Reagan, let's talk about it. How long have you been on stand up

about a month about a month? No better month to start stand up than this month. The craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. You have all the you have the on stage energy of a man that's been doing it one month in August of 2020 of all the month. That was way better than your last set that they didn't remember that they forgot you were here. So probably not probably good reason. It was definitely good. It was a little bit frightening when you started talking about how women talk about sex. You don't want them to talk about your dirty deeds. And then you went straight into a straight into a hardcore Cosby joke. Yes, rationalizing that what again that he was into raping because he would like to clean jokes because he didn't want the women to make

dirty jokes about it. I actually think that there's a good joke in there. It's just there's like a million words you don't need. But there is something funny about the reason he drug them is because he didn't want them talking shit on. It's good. It's a good your brain is going in the right direction, but your eyes are not. You shouldn't be looking back here. I mean, Cosby is a great comedian. Don't sleep on them. Oh, you basketball players love Bill Cosby. Is that correct? Yeah, man. I never sleep on Bill Cosby. How about you slam drunk? What are your thoughts about Cosby or a woman? Yeah, I've never heard anything bad about the guy. I don't get any of the jokes you guys are talking about. Did he do something? Did he do something?

You don't know rim job? No, I don't have a TV, man. Wait, what year is this? You know, we're on the street. Yeah, what year do you guys exist? Yo, 2020 is what my ball was flat. Oh, shit. We don't have time for pop culture. We're on the court playing ball. Social distance, I hope. Of course, man. They took out a lot of the rims of the park, man. You got to go to special parks, you know, basketball, Reagan, Wartner. Where are you originally from? Minnesota. Minnesota. How long have you been in Los Angeles, California? I moved here during the pandemic. Oh, my God. Wow. Moved here during the pandemic. Did you wait? Can I ask the hardest laughs of the night, by the way, that anybody's got? I've seen a lot of traveling of my day. That might be

the worst. Now, did you move out here because you were watching Kiltonian and you're like, I want to come out and start doing stand up? Sure. Why not? Yeah. Oh, don't lie to us now. So when exactly did you move from Minnesota? What month are we talking about here? Pre or post? George Floyd. Right after George Floyd. Oh, that's why you moved. George Floyd. Yeah. Were you close to that incident? I wasn't working in that area at the time, but I lived right by there. Is that your favorite cop? Oh, my goodness. So you live. How far do you live from where he was? Where he passed away? About 40 minutes. Oh, sure. Murdered for all the past away for all the people that have for all the people that have marched in what not. I guess I'll say the

word. He gently passed into the night. I mean, I guess I guess. He did fall asleep first. I'm not going to lie. He did fall asleep. He died in a sleep. We passed away from natural causes on that street. Jesus. I'm kidding. Is this the second episode that he's been on? Maybe it's him. Maybe it's nowhere. No, I'm about to call it technical on this show right now. All right. So how far away did you live from there? About 40 minutes. Oh, 40 minutes. Is it close at all? I mean, yeah, not like super close. Wow, you're trying to be close to the drama. That's weird. My goodness. I guess it's like you're closer. Stephen Avery's junkyard than George Floyd. He's in Wisconsin. So what do you do for work? I'm a Postmates driver now. Did you inherit a

bunch of money from a recently dead grandparent? No. Have you or has someone you loved recently been diagnosed with mesothelioma? Did you save a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to GEICO? What happens? You get bored after 480 episodes or something. Have you or someone? All right. Tell us something interesting about you. So I found out I have a $515 claim against me yesterday. What kind of claim? So apparently I didn't cancel my gym membership until they're trying to put a claim against me. Get the fuck out of here. You had a gym membership? No. Look at those biceps. Of course he does. I'm just kidding. I mean, it's mostly steroids. This was in Minnesota? Yes. And you didn't cancel? Well, I called them and canceled, but they needed it in writing because

they couldn't go there during COVID. Well, then they lose and you win. I mean, I'm not going to pay it. Yeah, fuck that. Fight it. Fuck them. But you have to make sure that... Yeah, don't fuck your credit up though. Yeah. You have to make sure that you take care of it with them. You have to be very straightforward with them. And this is sponsored by... No, they already brought it to like a debt collector because they never even told me about it. How much is your monthly gym membership? It was $50. Well, they did $25 every two weeks, which is weird. Yeah, that is weird. So after the first month of not paying, they just said, oh, well, what does keep on charging him for it? Yeah, no, during COVID, they kept on charging me. So I tried to stop it because I'm

like, you can't charge me during when it's not open. So then... That's the reason why Red Dan hates gym. That's why it won't go there. This is why you won't go to the gym. I don't want to go into that pizza one. That's playing a fitness. They actually have pizza at their gym. So you have a claim against you at the gym. What else is going on in life? So just moved to a new apartment out of a co-living place, which is awesome. What's co-living? Like a roommate? It's a cool way of saying roommate. No, it's much worse than a roommate. Share a bathroom. It's like eight roommates in one room. Oh, shit. Tell us more. Explain it. Four bunk beds? No, so they had like these holes in the wall, these potholes. Webcams. You climb into them. They do have webcams all in the house. Go ahead. Keep

telling us. I think you were on the show Big Brother and you didn't realize that. But so there's like about eight pods in a room and then one bathroom and yeah, it's really bad. Oh my god. How much is your rent? That rent was $800. Oh my god. We've had somebody on the show before that stayed on these pod places. No, I know. I was watching a show that someone did that. $800 a month. So now, is that what you did before? Is that where you're living now? I just moved out of there. I only stayed there for a month. So now where have you moved into? Now you have what? A couple months. Apartment right by the shittier side of La Brea. The shittier side of La Brea. That's both sides. So I don't know. La Brea and what? Right in the middle of Hollywood

area. In the Hollywood area. Willoughby. Willoughby. There you go. What's the number? Willoughby is a great street. Tucked snugly between Santa Monica and Melrose, I do believe. Tony also is an Uber Eats driver. Yes, I deliver food all the time. I will be a Willoughby in Santa Monica in eight minutes. All right. So what's the craziest thing that's happened to you while you've been delivering Postmates or whatever that you do? Postmates? Well, yesterday I had to leave and well, I just left because there's this crazy meth head who wouldn't get out of the way of my car. Did you just say ute? Out ute? Wouldn't get out to the... They're close to Canada. Yeah, the Minnesotans. Yeah, they get weird like that. They don't even know they did it. Very passively.

Yeah, but so she just kept on like going all around my car and wouldn't let me leave for it was a girl. That actually happened to me recently. I had a crazy guy that was on meth and he started, he went on the... I was at a meter, busy street, we'll say Beverly Boulevard, right? And I was at a meter and I get back into my car. I'm on a phone call too at the time. And so I'm not really moving, but I prepaid the meter. So I'm like, I'm just going to chill here and the guy has no shirt on one of these ripped fucking Latino. I mean, totally methed up though. Totally like breaking bad, like fucking Tuko Latino guy. You know what I'm talking about back there. And he takes... He has his shirt in his hand and he starts detailing my tire. He's like,

man, these tires are way too awesome to have this kind of like dust on a man or something like that. And I'm like, it's okay, pal. You don't have to do that. Oh, pal. Yeah, whatever. And he's like, no, no, I'm going to do it, man. It's just from the heart, from the heart. I'm like, no, seriously, if it's from the heart, it's going to have to be. I don't have any cash on me. I cannot pay you for this. And he goes, I don't need your fucking cash. I'm a zillionaire. And I just rolled up the window because I was trying to complete this phone call. It already sounded like I was like in a bad neighborhood to the person that I was talking. It was like already bad and embarrassing. So anyway, yeah, I tried to roll down the window and like just give her a

dollar. So she'd leave me alone. But then like I rolled it down. She's just sitting there like, just screaming, just nonsense. So just like, okay, never mind. There was one point back up the window. All right. But yeah, there was one point where the light turned red at the intersection that was traffic was that. And I swear to God, the guy's like, it's been like three minutes now. And at this point I'm annoyed because I can't drive away. And I can't get him away. I've already tried like now I've tried multiple times like, please man, please I'm begging you. You don't have to do it. But like this guy could snap it and he has veins popping out of his neck and chest and shit. And at one point the light turns red and traffic stops. And I swear to God, a cop car with two

cops in the SUV stops like right next to me, but I don't want to be like, excuse me, officers. This guy is cleaning my tire, right? But instead I gave them like this sort of like that because I just wanted to be quiet. And the guy looks right at me and I'm like, I pointed that guy cleaning my tire and I give him the old like, I don't know what the fuck this guy's doing. We got to switch in a Corvette, but I didn't say anything. And what? But the cop basically looked at me like, fuck you, buddy, because we've been defunded. Gives a shit. Yeah, exactly. I live in that neighborhood and it's it's just gone fully homeless. Tony's like, Black Corvettes matter, man. Come on, help me out over here dog.

It's unbelievable what has happened to one of the loveliest neighborhoods in Los Angeles since the US. It's the big riot in June. It's absolutely incredible. It really, really changed the dynamic. They burned a couple cop cars in now. Good thing we solved racism though. Totally worth it. Great job everybody. Anyway, Reagan, anything else? So my mom's getting divorced. Whoa. I know I was gonna say and your dad isn't. Uh oh, what did you do? Dad. Yeah, they got divorced a long time. What's what? Why is your mom getting divorced? Because apparently like the her husband is being weird. So he's like a

a narc, like a narcotics officer. Oh, Jesus. And he's getting retired and he's just acting like super strange. Like it's super like mad all the time. Wow. He's dabbing in his own supply. Is he collecting minerals and stuff like Hank did in Breaking Bad when he wasn't able to work? He's like William Montgomery's drug dealer. So do you think your mom and dad will get back together? Hell no, they hate each other. Do you have siblings? Yes. Yeah, you have a sister? Yep. Well, two step-sisters. Three step-sisters. No real sisters. Like my favorite porno. But what I was wondering is since my mom's getting divorced, I mean... It doesn't count. You're allowed to go for it. They're step-siblings. Does that mean they're like

open game now? Fair game, dude. Absolutely. You could do that anyway, so let's be honest. Yeah, we know that you have. You ever jerk off to like your step-sisters like underwear or something? Yeah, you ever rub your underwear on your dick? You ever do anything weird with your step-sisters? Tell the fucking truth, dude. I have never done anything weird with my step-sisters. Come on, you think that clip's gonna get us a lot of hits? Come on, Newsy. Tell us what you did to her. My younger step-sister's like a butch, so... Ooh, a challenge. I love that. It's good to try. Turn that lesbo. Turn that lesbo. I thought you had to start a chat. It's okay. Just go ahead. Just let it out. There you go. So, not into the butch, huh?

Not into the butch, you know. How about the more feminine step-sisters? You think you should call one right now and tell her that you've always wanted a fucker? How many of you think that's a good idea? I'll do it. No, don't do it. Don't do it. There you go. He's gonna do it. You're a great Reagan-Wartner. Showing improvement is second time on Kill Tony. One month of experience. He's having quite a career already. He's having quite a career. Yeah, I always wanted a corvette my whole life, or not a convertible my whole life, and I found out very quickly that you did not want a convertible at some red lights,

because you'll just be sitting there and they'll just be like crazy people like lurching over and you're like, okay, that's why I have a roof floor. Yeah, I have a convertible, and I very rarely use it. It's actually quite shocking. Even on beautiful days and things like that, like the sun is fucking aggressive, and it gets way too hot. The roast mass, he's sweet, sweet AC. Now, I already have enough sun. I don't know if you could tell, but I look like a fucking homeless. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Vitamin D. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Keneeth Burnett.

All right, what's going on, man? My name is Keneeth. It's a very simple name, but people always mess it up for some reason. Like, I got a job at this Mediterranean restaurant, and the lady, she's like, hey, canoe, can you come help me with the trash? I'm like, bitch, I am not a water raft. Like, the fuck? Like 10 minutes later, she's like, hey, kayak, can you come help me out on the grill? I'm like, bitch, I am not a boat, okay? I understand if our conversations are making you wet, but I am not, okay? Oh, fuck you. I'm half white, and sometimes that works out in my favor, but not like you think it does. It's not like I get pulled over by the police, and I just pull out a picture of me and my mom at the Grand Canyon.

Like, am I free to go, sir? They're like, nah, we're gonna have to have you step outside the car. We're gonna need to see who this white woman is. She might be missing. All right, that's me. There you go. Exactly one minute. What's up, Tony? You got a white mom? Yes, I do. She has a black name, though. Her name's Regina. Oh, shit. My goodness. My brother once had a black girlfriend named Regina. He said it more black than he was like Regina. Well, she says it like Regina. Oh, she tries to be a town. My mom used to be a little thought just a little bit. Parmesan, not Regina. Lovely, lovely. Where's that at? Where's my mom? Yep. My mom lives in North Carolina,

and I'm from North Carolina. Oh, nice. I moved to California like eight years ago, so. Lovely, lovely. You go back to North Carolina and visit a lot? I actually drove from San Diego to fucking North Carolina in three days. Which car? Acura, 2006. Damn. Yeah, it was good. What were some highlights of that road trip? I feel like not enough people. The biggest highlight is I didn't get coronavirus, and we stopped in Texas, so that was good. I saw my dad. That's the best. That was the one thing I did. I went to go see my dad on Father's Day. Did you find him? He was just walking down the street. No, man. I know my dad. Don't do that, Tony. Okay, I'm sorry. It's a stereotype. You did pitch it like you found him. My dad had

paid child support. He actually went down and signed up for it himself, Tony. Like he didn't have to like chase him out of the crack. This guy's like the Jackie Robinson of child support. And then he would come and get me once a mom, take me to McDonald's, and then... Excuse me, what was that? McDonald's. McDonald's. Yeah, that's McDonald's, but it's a Mac. Yeah, McDonald's. And we would sit in front of the house, and this is where I learned how to call a woman a bitch, you know? Wait, is your dad David Lucas? No, I think I'm a little bit older than David was. Why do you think you call it McDonald's? I'm from North Carolina, you know? North Carolina. Did they call their most popular sandwich of Big Mick?

Is it like Switch or is that...? Last time you guys roasted me because I had it on a red shirt, and you guys said I looked like I worked at McDonald's. Or now you look like you have the Jay Leno collection shirt on there. The old Jay Jay Leno collection. I broke in the guy for Yeri's house, and I stole this shirt, you know, so I'm sorry, guy. That is awesome. I like your style, man. I do. You've lived in LA for eight years? No, I lived in San Diego for like eight years. I was living in LA for like a year prior to the coronavirus, so I've been out here like a year and a half. Okay. It's been good though. How's the coronavirus been treating you? How what have you been doing during this quarantine? Well, I got... I fucked the stimulus money up,

like... Yeah, what'd you spend it on? You know, like Miko said, you get the bag and tumble it, I fumbled the shit. Right. I fumbled it hard. Tell us some of the fun stuff you spent your money on. I was doing dumb shit like buying $90 pre-rolls, you know. Oh, God. Like, I just did the... I literally just smoked it away. You think I would have Jordan's before the coronavirus? Oh, man. This is $170. Wait, was that from one of my favorite shoe stores on Melrose? Did you get those in June? I got these in... These are like the best shoes they had in Greensboro, North Carolina. I just got them. Okay. I think they look good. You look good. Yeah. It's worth it. Did you think at all on that one wild night about looting at all? Did looting cross your mind?

I wanted to, but like... I mean, I... I'd be running people over cars and shit. I was watching it live on the news and I'm like, I could get there in 10 minutes and get... Not only... 10 minutes by E-bike? That's fast, man. It is. I mean, Rick Kossick, my neighbor right there, and I actually weathered that storm together. We walked out to the intersection of... What, you guys started the George Floyd protest? Fair facts. No. That night at the Big L. A. Riot though, you know, Rick is my very close next door neighbor and we're very neighbor. As opposed to a far away next door neighbor. Jesus Christ. Okay. Way to squeeze that one in there, Joe. Five YouTube comments back there. My God. Yes. Yes. Anyway, and for example, like the Trader Joe's was wide open and the

paper source, like these are behind, you know, anyway, it's right around where we live. I've been arrested once. I don't want to be arrested again. I spent exactly 12 hours in jail and that's enough. That was enough. I learned my lesson. Did your butthole get it? Actually, you know what? Once you get past the fact that you can't leave jail, it's actually kind of relaxing. It's actually kind of relaxing. In 12 hours you got there? Man. That's like being on the bench and just accepting your fate as a player. Well, they broke me in around 1130. I was like in my, my, I guess, room by midnight and then they, and then I posted a bell that like noon my dad. What jail was this in North Carolina? Yes. Okay. Is it maximum secured home of the first

sit-ins? What happened? Max maximum security because it Mack Donalds. Oh, I didn't think it was funny, but I agree. It was maximum, but I enjoy him, you know, I enjoy him as opposed to far away. I'm kind of nervous. You guys got a white woman on stage and I'm not gonna lie. You guys kind of make me nervous. No, you're good. I like your honesty, but you don't have to be nervous, but that's I do. I was traumatized by one of you. What? Really? Yes. Did I traumatize you? It's always you're not a white woman, Tony. I mean, I wish it was me. I wish I have the voice of a white woman. I have a sensitive side. This white girl liked me. Another white girl lied and said that I touched the white girl. The white girl said I didn't

even touch her and I still got suspended from school. My dad took me home. You should have your mom pick you up. You would have gotten off. You didn't even get to touch her. I didn't even touch her. You know what, Annie, you should let him get a free. I'm kidding. I'm just joking. I was ready to, I was like, this is my reparations. Here we go. Have a grab. But no, so my dad didn't say shit to me on the way home. He got me home. He sat down, turned around, and he did slap the shit out of me. He was like, boy, don't you know you can go to jail for that type of shit. No McDonald's for three months. Yeah. I don't know. I just, I never, like I was in 10th grade. I'd never even talked to white girls

like until I was like, until just like, I just spoke to you just now, you know? Well, welcome back. Thank you. Not all liars. You haven't talked to white girls? No, I'm joking. I had them. Oh, yeah. Look, I'm looking to start having sex with them more and not maybe not married. What do you mean by more? How many white girls have you had sex with? I felt like four white girls wins the last time. Yo, one more. You're out, dog. 2018. I fucked this girl. She was like 19. And I just wait. Say that again. I just did it. Say it again. 2018. I was 27. She was 19. Wow. Okay, you scowling young. I walk the line. I walk the line. I checked the ID though. Good boy. Very good. Yeah. Good job. Well, that's fun. So it's been that long since a white girl. Real, real question because I was,

I'm curious when, when I hear that you like the people like check IDs and stuff, like how long before you had sex, did you check the ID? Was it a casual thing? You do that while you're eating every time you're just like, give it the one eye. You got to pull some mac shit. And you got to be like, Hey, babe, go in the store and buy this for me. So you don't ask them for it. Right. But you ask them to buy you a pack of cigarettes and a six pack of beer and you see what they come out with. Cigarillo. Well, gummy bears over 18 under 20. Go rent this car for me. Yo, can you get some scratch? I'll take you in there. Yo, kid. Yo, you want to go get a tattoo real quick. Hop out real quick. Yo, vote for me. I only got this mama's milk.

All right. I said, get beer, not Gerber. Yo, Tony, I got to talk to you about something. I never, I walked up on you one night and I asked you about me. Yeah, I walked up on you. I walk a line. It was like five minutes late, by the way. But he just said walks. Go ahead. And I told you I wanted to do a rap battle with your boy in Arizona. Right. Tristan. Tristan. Good guy. Good guy. And you said, Yeah, sure. Set it up. Oh, Jesus. Why do I have to sound like that? That's what you said. Everybody's goddamn impression of me. Whoa. Whoa, whoa. And I hit him up and he was down with the shit. And then coronavirus hit, and then I hit him up. Like after like, yo, let's, let's, let's go to the store now that they're

doing it. And I ain't mad at him, but I feel like he ducking me. He's in love right now. I know. I was in love too. He's in love. He's in love. He's making sweet love right now. Yeah. I ain't mad at it. He's a good guy. Yeah. But I'll tell you this, when things get up and running, I know for a fact, I want to do that. You know, Tristan, when the pressure's on big audiences, that's when he shines. So he's probably waiting until the energy's back. I'll watch the floor with him if you set it up. Amen. I can't wait. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to lose a rap battle to a white boy in the middle of a civil rights movement. I'm just not going to do it. Oh, but what if you do now? I want to see this. I just can't do that shit. We have to have behind Tristan like a better flag

and like have it really be real. This is it. There's a there's a Macklemore joke here somewhere. If you guys want to look for it. Oh, I like that. Get it, Matt. I think you just did it. And I can give myself a rim shot, you fucking idiots. Rim shot from rim job. There you go. All right, Kenneth. Well, so much fun. Great fucking interview. Have a good night. What a great guest. Great flow. Kenneth Burnett. All right. It's one of those times right now where I get to bring up one of my favorite comedians guys. This guy for sure knows something or other about being an African American. Am I right? I love this guy. We're good friends. Hang out all the time. Here's David Lucas, everybody. Girl swear it hurt us when they tell us you'll never meet another woman

like me. And it's kind of like, bitch, that was what I was aiming for. Like love is not hard to find. Women always make it seem like you'll never love again. Like you love me. Like I convince myself to love a dog and all that nigga do is piss and eat. So it won't be too hard to love a bitch that fucks me and get on my nerves. It's not. Love is not hard. Who the fuck won't fall in love with somebody that fucks them three or four times a week? Like I'll be in love like a motherfucker. I think the perfect woman is a deaf mute. I think that's my perfect chick. She can't hear shit or say shit. Like Helen Keller would have been my perfect bitch. That'd be a 10 in my book. I want me old Helen Keller ass bitch. You can't see on here. Oh hell yeah. You won't see me cheating

on your ass and you won't hear me opening this door for in the morning. Awesome. You're gonna have to hear her talk though. David Lucas. I gotta hear a lot of this. Let me just tell you my insight on a set like that is that I don't even think you would have gotten through 40 seconds of stuff that you talked about because I think if there was an audience and a pause after you won't meet another woman like me after you tell a girl you don't want to be with her anymore that's exactly what I was looking for. Right. I mean that would just be that's one of those slow builders that starts sort of like boom and then it just builds. I've seen it enough times to recognize it. And then the dog part wiping the dog. It's interesting how weird the translation of well written jokes and

the timing and everything it's so off but if you have an ear for it. Right. Right. Right. Because that's extremely smart. I haven't heard that before. You won't meet another woman like me. Like why did they say that if you're breaking up with them because it's a beautiful blessing. Thank you. Exactly. Bitch you slashed my tires and broke my windshield. Why the fuck do I want to do this. Liability in my life. I love it man. Real quick. I want to give a shout out comedy store icon right here in the room right now. A guy who has I believe. OK. He's walking away. He just walked away. Everybody a comedy store legend. The great Jeff Scott is here. House piano player at the comedy store for well over two decades. Almost three.

A guy who is extremely respected and loved by absolutely everyone. Absolutely. And you know Jeff told me a piece of advice because as a lot of people may or may not know door guys get the opening spots on a lot of the main room and original room shows and I paid attention to what you said. Jeff said he misses the days when Mitzi had the opening comics introduce him. And I'm like if that means that much to him I can take 20 seconds out of my set to introduce Jeff Scott. Is that Mitzi never told him that. And he just played you like a fool dude. Man Mitzi used to make all the opening comedians give the piano play a hundred bucks. And a blow job. That's my dick. Should you miss those Mitzi days. Also some

of the coolest Halloween costumes. Yeah. It's incredible. I've seen this guy turn into a dinosaur turning to a skeleton man. He made a dinosaur thing out of milk cartons. He starts like he starts right after Halloween for the next year. He really puts a lot of effort in. It's good. I told you know my favorite Halloween costume is my mom did for me. What were you. She gave me a white honey. I blew up the baby's kids. You racist motherfucker. Was it a creamsicle and you're wearing it now. It's racial. She gave me a white t-shirt and a red hat and told me I was a gallon of milk. You'd be a Trump supporter now. Which is amazing. Or good burger. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you're going to be for Halloween. Oh you know me. I'm going to be a I'm going to be a gay guy.

You're going to be a toilet seat. Yeah. That's right. You know me. You know me. You're allowed to just sit on me and then you can either take a number one or a number two or just pee on you. Sure. Absolutely. You pee on the toilet seat all the time. He does. Look at him. You know he makes Helen Keller clean it up. It depends on if the toilet got stains in it because of the toilet got stains. I pee on the stains. Oh you try to get try to clean it. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. That's I'm upset. I like going to the bars that got the little soccer balls in the urinals. Oh where are those at. I'm trying to think what the fuck that was. That's maybe at the Denver Airport. Oh my goodness. Little soccer balls. Yeah. I think it was where they have little

games. So when you pee you're like oh I'm playing game of anything in the girls room. Yeah. You guys just have to sit down and let it build those in the toilet for us to sit on. It's fair. Tony went in there before you. What. She said there were dildos in the toilet. All they do is they put these dildos will go up and down the toilet. The Denver Airport is not fair. Stop snitching on that thing. Are those pilot wings on your shoulder. Yeah. You earned those Microsoft Simulator. Yeah. Yeah. They're Trump wings. I earned my wings. You let the pilots sit on you. Yep. That's it. They call me the cock pit. Stupid. All right. What else is going on in. David saw your wings. He got hungry. Hey man. Shut your broke dirt in the whiskey licking ass up. All right.

OK. What else you've been up to. I'm going to see fishing tomorrow. Oh my goodness. Really. Are you going to. Are you going to just jump in the water and just sink. I don't think fish like dark beat. Oh my goodness. Where are you. Where are you going. Long Beach. They always have group ponds for that. Where you can go. Here's the story. All right. So I'm like in negotiation in negotiations of producing my first movie in Georgia. Right. So the guy asked me to be a producer. So he just called me tonight. He's like what are you doing tomorrow. I'm going on the fishing trip. I'll buy you a ticket right now and pick up at 4 30 in the morning and we can discuss everything. So I'm like oh shit. Murder you deep sea remake free Willie. Why you might catch a

Marlin brother. I'll share my location with everybody on kill Tony the whole time. Well it doesn't really help when you are in the ocean. But I mean at least y'all know where I left from. He's going to try to fuck you or murder you. Yeah. I'll take my pistol with me man. I'll take my Glock. You're not going to take your pistol. Can you imagine if they if David drown and the police find him and they're like you know this body we found his extremely bloated body and I'm just like he's only in the water for 20 minutes. His block was weighing him down. He sunk to the bottom because he had a gun in his pocket. What if it's because you bring the gun. The guy tries to fuck you and then you're like so startled that your gun fires into the boat's bottom and then it sinks

because of the whole you gotta squeeze the trigger. It's a block not a high point. But what if one of your roles just went in there. Oh my god. You want to talk about rose motherfucker. Yeah. What's your favorite. I like fire. Fire rolls. Fire rolls. Yeah. You guys talking about sushi. Yeah. Oh my god. I know in between your shit smell like a California roll. No that doesn't make sense. I did an Asian girl should smell more like an Asian roll. Yo how was it the airport this week and there was a Wendy's next to a Panda Express and I thought of you. Wow. That's like that's like I mean I like Wendy. I don't really care for Panda Express but the girl's working there. It's like oh I see. I don't know. Asia. They got Mexicans at Panda Express

Hello Brian. Oh hey. One chicken. You want to know me. No. Yeah. Everybody sounds like what's her name. This thing is the song. Oh that's it. That crazy. What's her name. No man. It's a legend. Oh what is it. It's a it's Nicole Tran. Yeah. Yeah. Nicole's the shit. We got to get Nicole back soon. Did we talk to her over the quarantine. I don't think we did. We had a pandemic talk with her. Yeah. Yeah. So that going deep sea fishing and started the MMA gym last week. There you go. That's why I wasn't here because I fucking fucked my neck up. Really. Day one. Day. Well that's my first time being on a mat in like 10 years. You know I used to wrestle in high school so I ain't really like wrestled or grappled or

anything in like 10 years. And then how long did you wrestle for. How long were you on the mat for yesterday. I mean last week we did three three minute rounds and that shit felt like I ran for two hours. Right. Yes. It's extremely hard. Hard to not vomit after three three minutes rounds. Straight on. And then one time he caught me in the stomach with a knee and I felt like I was really dying. Like when you already like at point of it. So it made me like earn a new respect for like UFC fighters because I'm like these guys are exhausted getting choked out. Oh yeah. Arm bars and they're not tapping. Right. That's a lot of fucking heart man. It's crazy. They do usually tap at the arm bars and two things you can't really get away from is a real

rear naked choke in an arm bar. Yeah. Am I right. My Jiu Jitsu specialist back here. Yeah. That's that. I can't watch MMA with people who don't like respect that because they're always like what does he just stand up and knock him out dude. I would have stood up. Idiots. Yeah. Idiots. You ever play basketball because we need a big man. Yeah. I hope I hope I can shoot like I'm over. Really. Is that true. Yeah. My goodness gracious. Who do you think shoots better. You are. I'll shoot anybody on stage and I put money on that. Okay. Let's grab a let's grab a trash can or something. Somebody want to grab the trash can out of the main room green room. Yeah. Let's do the trash can. It's going to be our first. I'm right here.

Thank you. It's going to be our first ever kill Tony shoot off. This is very exciting. Not a shoot out a shoot off. That's right. Shootings here. Here you go. That's good. That'll that'll work. We don't. Yep. Here we go. Okay. Now pretend the ball is your sperm and this is a fertile egg. Make it happen. Good luck. Let me get David. I'll put it out on the edge. There's no way basketball fit in there. Give me a fucking basketball. Throw me the Jesus. No, no, no, no, no. It's going to break some. No, it's not. What are you talking about? How bad are you? I'm going to make it right now. Yeah. Make sure I don't break anything. Oh, right off the front of the rim. So close. My rebounder actually somehow let the ball roll right. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, put it over there. Put

it over there. Put it over there. It's been a long time since Brian's been near a basketball. He thinks that they fly multiple feet any direction. Put it over there. Okay, take this. Take the trash bag off. It's okay, Brian. Relax. It's all good. Play the Harlem Globe. Oh, you look at home. I love it. Take it over there. Play the Harlem Globe Trotter music. This is perfect. This is our first ever first ever kill Tony shoot out here. Why do you put it on the ground? Oh, did you get that? Can we get a light over there? Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, David Luke Jeremiah. I had a feeling Jeremiah wasn't going to like this very much. He didn't think we would call his flat out ball. He's going to blame it on the ball.

Here we go. Jeremiah with a big shot. This is incredible. The lighting just simply could not be any worse for this, but we're trying our best. Can we get maybe, can we get like, yeah. Sure. Here we go. Oh, nobody has missed. For those of you keeping track, nobody has missed the first ever kill Tony basketball shoot out. Oh, Jeremiah from way downtown. Oh, he gets rejected by the ceiling. Yeah. That's it. For those of you paying attention, the game is over. The black man won the basketball game. Oh, there it is. All right. All right. All right. See, you should have quit when you were at. Okay. That's it. Everybody. There you go. Jeremiah is still, Jeremiah not taking this loss easy at

all. This is so fun. It's over. It's over, Jeremiah. It's over. All right. This is the last one. There you go. Good job. That's it. Jeremiah, get back on stage. There you go. He missed. That's the end of that segment. Jeremiah get back on stage. That was fun. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, David. No. Don't make us edit out a whole nother chunk of this episode. Stop fucking playing. Jesus fucking Christ. A bunch of goddamn animals in here. Oh my God. Tony's trying to get Jeremiah to stop it. He's like, good job, buddy. Okay. It's over. Hey, the round's over. He's bouncing the ball off the ceiling. Great work, bud. He just fucking Brad Williams rest in peace. Just got crushed by a basketball. He was going to pop in. Oh my God. Anyway, it's going to

pop out of the trash can. We can do that though, man. Get out of my house. I guess the Brad Williams segment. David's so much fun. I'll see you next week. There goes David Lucas, everybody. On to the next one we go. Holy shit. That's funny. Some great shooting. David and Jeremiah could not miss until they started missing. Yeah, I would like to actually see them play one on one. Yeah, we might have to. I love how clean your guys are being. The Kill Tony Olympics could start any day now. Yeah, I'm better at not playing with trash cans. All right. This is exciting. This guy has had a ongoing storyline on the show, and he's great every single time he's ever been on. So he's back again. Ladies and gentlemen,

Ryan Joseph. Here we go. It's that time. All right. Install security cameras during the day. It's usually for like paranoid women that are afraid to live alone. I'm thinking about getting a job doing it too. I just dreamed that my stepmom died last night, and my whole family was crying, freaking out. I just woke up drenched in my own semen. This brother is adopted from Africa, and he recently came out of the closet to my parents, and we're all pretty upset because we really try to make that closet feel like home. Everyone knows China's racist. They talk about, they eat dogs, and women are second class citizens, but there's a lot of bad stuff too. There's this construction crew next to my house driving me crazy every morning.

I've made reports, yelled at them, but I still hear them speaking Spanish. Ryan Joseph. All right. Ryan Joseph did it again. That was funny. Thank you. I like that you did it in the We Can Do It, Strong Girl hat. Yeah. Keep myself going. You look like Sean when he was a bad boy on Boy Meets World. Oh my God, that's so funny. I forgot about that. I forgot about that show. This is what Chris Benoit looked like when he was murdering his family. Who's that? Chris Benoit. He's a wrestler. Who is he? Known for being short and strong and effective. I don't know him. Chris Benoit murdered his family. Very famous. Thank you. Yeah, you do look like you would

just fucking murder everyone in your family. Yeah. Lately, I guess I do look like that. What did you look like before? Keep us posted on how's the relationship been going? Pretty crazy. Catch Annie up a little bit. Give her the short end of what she's missed the last few weeks. Nutshell. Start dating this girl during the pandemic. Basically, she was dating another guy at the same time as me. But once we went exclusive, she told me about him, said she was going to cut him off and everything like that. Took her on this nice trip to Arizona. We decided to go exclusive. We get back and apparently she fucked him and didn't know about it. She also told me she'd never talked to him again or whatever like that or that bullshit. He said,

why don't you delete his number? She did. Then he goes, why don't you unfollow him off Instagram? She's like, I won't. She's like, I have to look at his hard cock and all those pictures. Pretty much. Well, do you think it's because you thought you took her to a nice trip in Arizona? And she's like, this guy thinks a nice trip is in Arizona. I gotta get back with this guy. I'm still following on Instagram. I was running away from the riots. I was freaking out and I didn't even know that. Are you scared of black people? Yes. You kind of have a Trump. It's like a Trump bandana. Yeah. No, like I really everything read to Trump now. I do my goodness. The even Native Americans are Trump lips. I love this peppermints are white and Trump. I got a Trump spot

in my pain. He's a good marketer. He's a good marketer. You know how pink is for breast cancer? Red is for Trump. It's good. It's good marketing. It's like, uh, it's probably like the at least the third or fourth most popular color in the world that he took it from fire engines. It's no longer for Wow. You mean Trump engines, Trump engines, Trump and so I wonder. I wonder what Donald Trump would say about. I wonder what Donald Trump would say about being recognized for the color red, but I guess we're not going to find out because we don't have a sound board or anything. How hard would I have to set this up exactly? Let's see if we can get him on the line. He's a big fan of the show. Donald Trump, Annie has. Oh boy. Okay. All right. Mr. President,

Annie Letterman has stated on this show that, uh, you know, Annie. So probably I'll sue her because it would be fun. Oh my goodness. Wow. He's going to sue you. Even when I get my period, I think about him. What do you think about Annie's and it only makes common sense. Okay. This isn't really working today, Mr. President, because I'm chasing a dragon that, uh, only popped up once, huh? Thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. Good to have you on. Thank you. That's the president of the United States of America, the owner of the color red, Donald Trump. It's true. Okay. So what's happened this week with this girlfriend?

Okay. Let me just finish because last week, right? Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. So I didn't know I didn't care anything about it, but she kept being like, are you still talking to any of those girls that you were seeing? And I was like, no, I actually, I told you I would delete all their shit, but you won't delete that guy's number. And she's like, I will right now. And she deleted it. And I was like, well, what about Instagram? And she's like, I can't do that. So then I knew, right? And then I came on, talked to these guys and I freaked out because I knew it was building up. And so I looked this guy up on Instagram. He's a copywriter, pretended I want to write a book.

And I know I tricked him into being literally tell her, tell her the like message exchange. I was like, Hey, man, what's up? I'm a comedian from LA. I want to write a book. I was wondering if he knew that the guy was a copywriter. Yeah. She said he didn't, he didn't live in California. I was like, do you live in LA? And he's like, oh, I do, but I'm out of town for now, but I'll be back. I was like, okay. And then I was like, so I see your mutual friends with so and so once last time you've seen her, man, I haven't seen her in a while. He's like, Oh, we talk all the time. I saw her like three weeks ago. And I was like, I took a screenshot, sent it to her and then it just started.

You couldn't even wait, huh? You didn't even, have you thought about it since then, how you would have handled it differently with all the information that you gathered? You got excited. You blew your load. Then she then you like sent me a picture of a you're still on the phone with the guy. You're already sending her screenshots. I've been like haunted by images, man, of killing this guy, but I would never do that. Never do that. Never. But seriously, like, I'm going to need a time out real quick. I would never do it. All right. But like, it's there. It's not his fault.

Anyways, so you like send me a picture of a knife and I was like, what the fuck? He's like, keep fucking around, buddy. And you'll see what's going on. What did he send you? Like a, like a emoji of a knife? No, like his knife. It was like this weird, like, the most threatening, most threatening teenager ever. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you know, and that's what makes it worse because he's like this fucking loser in a cabin in Washington state. He's such an angry, such a violent copywriter. I would not want to start shit with the guy that lives in a cabin, though.

That's the, I could, I feel like I could take anybody in an apartment or a house, but a cabin, that's where she gets scared. Those guys, they have to go get wood for their. Do you really think you could take anyone in your apartment? Obviously, I can't beat up anyone that lives in an apartment or a house. I'm pretty sure Brock Lesnar doesn't live in a fucking cabin. Anyway, do I really think that I'm just curious? I don't know. I'm learning you know so anything new this week. I'm learning you too. I'm learning you. Boom. I'm learning you. So here we go. This week's update. Yeah, I just keep going back to her and we fight

and then what do you do? You make love? Yeah, it's like really hot, like jealous, hate sex, which is nice, but then like, you know, we'll try to like get it together and then I'll be like, just have images of him like fucking her and her lines. You like it. I'm telling you, you're into this whole thing. This is how I'm actually getting quite. You want a girl that's also wanted by other people. You're not, you're not used to that. You've been in your past year with a lot of overweight girls with like frumpy eyes and things like that. Am I right? Am I right? When their eyes get fat? I was only with like one. They would wake up really swollen. They had more swollen mornings. No, one semi-fat chick,

one semi-fat chick. She came to my window and asked me to have sex with her because she came through your window. She thought it was a drive through window. Hey, what do you have it? Jesus, was a sliding door. Yeah, dude. It's when I used to like do drugs, right? What did you say, Redman? She thought it was a drive through window. Pretty much. Redman. I'm from Florida and it was when I used to do drugs. I was doing like Adderall and Coke the whole night. Wow. She shows up and she's like, my boyfriend just broke up with me. You can do whatever you want to me. And would you put you on a diet? I was like, get you to the gym. Let's go jogging. She just started personally training her. She had a pretty face. Did you have sex with her

from behind? And then like you try to put in her butthole and she's like, back or violation? When you're on those kind of drugs, you can't get it up, right? You can't. I thought I already saw you take the longest shot. I was going to see you take tonight. No, man. That was half core. Get ready for full core dog. Yeah. Okay. What did you do with the big girl and what was different than sex with a normal, normal, normal shape woman? I couldn't get it up because I was tweaking so bad. So I was like, do you have any weed? And she's like, sure. I like smoked all our weed and then I can bang her. And then I was like disgusted with myself and I slept on the floor in the living room. Right, right, right. And why do you think you felt so disgusted? I wasn't

really attracted to her. I was on lots of drugs. How big are we talking about? Like David Lucas or William Montgomery? No, no, no. Are we talking on a one to red? No, no. I like petite, I like petite, like thin girls. The girl I'm dating now is Latina, right? Oh, dude, you're never going to get hurt and stop fucking. She's going to have other men's children while you're dating her. There are red flags. I got slapped by a bum on her second date. I want to pick her up. You mean Trump flags? Go ahead. Go ahead. No, I'm waiting to pick her up. And I guess you can't take pictures of homeless people. They get freaked out. And like three guys like attacked my car, one of them slapped me in the face and I kept thinking maybe that's a sign I shouldn't go on a date with this

girl. Maybe it's a sign you shouldn't take pictures of homeless people. Yeah, I didn't know, but other people do. They're still their soul. That's what I think. I saw a sign on one of the tents near my house now, the street tents that said don't take pictures of it. It gets us homeless people raped. I'm like, what? What the fuck? I think living outside does that. Yeah, it's the zipper, I think, that's getting you raped. I didn't even see them. I was taking pictures of the tents like I hadn't been in. You know, when you're a rapist, someone in a tent is just one zipper more than you were going to pop up, but you don't have to pop a button. Double the zippers. But anyways, she now like I also went on Tinder, right? And I took screenshots of all the girls

that match with me like the hot. I found the hottest ones and sent them to her. I was like, I wonder if this girl's faithful bitch. Wait, so now yeah, like I just love your ex tweaker energy is so good. So I just want someone that's faithful and then we get like back together and like we're going to make it work, baby. We're going to make it work. Oh my goodness. So let me ask you this. When you're having sex with this Latina girl, do you ever like dirty talk about her hooking up with another guy? Like have you ever been like, yeah, you think you fucked a mother girl? I feel like a cook, but I'm not. Yeah, two copyrights don't make a wrong. Oh, shit. He's been holding that one. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. It's like, I feel,

I feel like a little bitch because I'm took her back and wait, that guy's going to take her back eventually to correction. You don't feel like one. You is one. The thing is like she's going to take her back paper. I told her I wouldn't talk to her and I didn't until she like sent some text saying like, don't ever message again, blah, blah, blah, you're fucked up. So then you're like, now I'm going to message you again. You said she cut you off. You're like, you can't fucking cut me off. I'm cutting you off. You can't you can't fire me because I quit. Well, she's been like calling like begging, crying, like get another chance. This story is becoming sad to me. Oh, no, I mean, there's a knife involved. We got to get the knife back. No, here. No, not at all. No,

your comedy is way better than these stories. No, it's incredible. It's compelling story with funny comedy. We learned that she's Latino. You can't fix that Latina and there's ways around it. My friend told me that. Here's my solution is that you might need to start fucking someone else as well. And then this way, this is what your sister told you. There you go. This is what I give. Everybody always says Tony Hitchcliff has the most sisterly advice or find a healthy relationship maybe boring. Oh my god, Joe, go fuck yourself. Someone called the boring police on Joel. Why don't you go find yourself something awesome? Why don't you slow it down a little bit and stay inside for 20 hours? Why don't you have one girlfriend over 13 years? Well,

they've been that kind of guy. It's that worked out for you. Didn't it, bitch? And I told you that in confidence. I don't do well. Yo, that man. He put all his eggs in one basket. Wow, that's the last time I'm going to thank Jimmy and Loonis's house. Oh my god. Yo, this bitch just brought up real stuff. Damn, Annie's dropping nuclear warheads over here. Don't know me. I just think that like, encouraging more crazy shit is going to end really bad. That is going to kill somebody by the way. No, he won't kill. And he's dropping bombs over Baghdad. I fucking love it.

All right, Ryan. So let me ask you this. Do you think that's a possibility that you might have sex with someone to increase her jealousy a little bit this way? You're no longer the bitch. Now it's just a fucked up thing. Well, it'll probably just fall apart. There's no trust, right? So there's already no trust, right? Yeah, there's no trust. She's going to New York for a couple of weeks. Oh, she is. Every guy in the Bronx is going to a cabin. She's going to camping. I'll make a brand new start of it. She wants to make sure what she's doing. She's trying to get back together with you so you don't fuck anyone while she's in New York fucking everyone. Yeah, that's what I told her pretty much all she does is like, are you going to be I'm afraid you're

going to be with other people? Oh, you guys are fucked. I know I'm embarrassed talking about it. She goes to New York. What are we going to do? Let's come up with a battle plan. When is she going to New York? Dude, I'm just getting to the point where I don't care. I assume she's I care for you. You care. You're such a liar. No, like you get to the point where you're just like once you're like, I don't know. You just get to the point where you don't care. I just hope comedy in the fucking world opens up again. So I have nothing to do. You're doing a good job at having you have something to do. You have the whole dramatic thing you're dealing with. It's fun. You're having a great course in like a big drama. She had a book called Ethical Slut.

Did he do the copyright for it? Who had a book called Ethical Slut? That was the other red flag. This girlfriend of yours wrote a book called Ethical Slut. No, no, no, she didn't write it, but it was on her coffee table when I first came in. Oh my god. What a dumb bitch. Sorry. I know. I'm and I'm like, oh, it's okay. I'll still write. I'll still date you. We got it. Okay. Next time you do kill 20 to read that book and come with like what is yeah, grab the book before you break up with her. It's like a Bible for Polly people or some shit. Oh no. She's a Polly shore fan. Polly Amherst just means you're really into that's what I call my fans the Polly people. Can you get one of those black lights that you could keep in your pocket and every time you

come to her house to shine it all over her bedroom. It's going to be really sad for you when her face lights up with you. Why is it around your eyelids? You look like a raccoon. I want to stop talking about her on this show. No, we've only just begun too late now. Fun times, Ryan. This has been, I mean, you're an absolute killer. And like I said, I'm going to keep the invitation wide open for you, pal. And because this is really, really interesting stuff. It's fun. Not everybody gets to have a wild, you know, California, Latina relationship. And it's fun to get updates with things like that because it is different than, you know, dating a fucking basic white girl. Yeah. Well, I've always been in the Latina. I'm from Florida. And like I lost my vision.

To an alligator, but Ryan Joseph, everybody. There he goes on to the next one. There was only one more in there. This is it. One more of these. I like that you searched around for so long. Well, no, because like you have to get it. You have to find this little piece of paper. I got a couple of Sharpies in there, an extra jewel pod. I got to make sure I grab the right thing. All right, your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Casval Wolf. Casval Wolf. And this I know for sure. Hey, hey, hey. There you go. Casval Wolf, everybody. I've been on a plant based diet for the last four years now. And this shit has really opened my mind. I'm at a point now where I'm not opposed to the idea of sleeping with a transgender woman.

I figured I've been eating beyond meat all these years. What's the harm in trying beyond pussy? I am a little surprised to see that the celebrity pedophile sandwich spokesperson, Jared Fogle, was not on the Epstein Flight Logs. Come to find out he was forced to take the subway. I found out that Tinder does not have a sense of humor. I was very drunk one night, decided to change my bio to Islam on the streets, jihad in the sheets. And I was banned post haste next morning. That's my time. Thank you. There you go. That's a minute. Casval Wolf. Am I saying that correctly? Casval. It's horrible. Casval. Casval. C-A-S-V-A-L. Casval. Spanish, but Casval. Okay, Casval. What ethnicity are you?

I'm Cuban. Oh, away. Okay. Did you fuck that guy? I did. I took his virginity. Goodness. That's exciting. Were you born in America? I was. I was born in Miami. Miami? Yes, sir. Wow. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I've been here in and out for 10 years now. Okay. What do you do here? Well, before all this happened, I was a touring musician, and now I've just been hanging out. Oh, really? What kind of music do you play? I play in a rock band, but then I also write for people. So what's the name of the rock band? Vespera. Vespera with an A at the end. Wow. Vespera. Vespera. Everything with me is very hard to pronounce, apparently. My name, my band name. It's wonderful. So it's V-E-S-P-A. P-E-R-A.

Oh, Vespera. Okay. Very exciting. What do you do in the band? I sing. Really? Give us some. Yeah. Can you give us a little diddly? Maybe something from the official YouTube video sleep list? Oh, you don't want to play this. It's heavy as hell. No, I'm not going to scream on a microphone right now, but come on fucking. Do you want to scream? Do you have some pent up quarantine energy here? I don't. I don't. I'll give you some Sinatra. I'll give you something else. This is your plant-based diet right now. You need to fucking man up, dude. Eat some meat. Here, I'll sing it for you. Vespera. You really want me to do this? All right.

Yeah, let's sleep last night. Wait, are you lip-syncing? No. He's whispering. I just don't want to blow our ears out. I fucking like that. That's good. Oh, goodness. That was one of the laziest performances I've ever seen. Dude, quarantines fucked me up. Man, that was the quietest screaming I ever heard. It is. It's very quiet. Sing Sinatra. Let's go acapella. I want to hear the Sinatra that you said you could do. You guys want to play something? When I was metrosexual. Hey, you know the song Hey Ya by Outcast. Can you do a metal version of that song? Welcome to a segment we call Shoe Corner Song that you learned into the episode. Today's segment will have a Hey Ya from Outcast.

I mean, it's a pretty universal song. I think that's cultural appropriation. I don't think we can do that. No, it's going to be okay. Let's do Sinatra acapella. Come on, you got this. Oh, wait, a shoehorn a song into the thing that you were singing earlier in the show. That's crazy, dawg. No, a shoehorn a song that you learned is what I said. Fly me to the moon. Let me lay among the stars. Fly me. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter Mars. In other words, hold my hand. Dance. In other words, baby, kiss me. Wow. Wow. Look at that. Beautiful. I have a girl for you. I actually have a girl for you. It's Brian's girlfriend. That was a lot better. That was a lot better than I thought I was going to go. That's what Jeremiah thinks his singing sounds like.

Yo, Annie just double dribbled in her panties. Yeah, dude. Yeah. And I'm hard as a rock. You have everybody excited. Perfect. I want to hear Jeremiah try to sing it now. Yeah. Since he's going up against everyone. Jeremiah is like, I got to redeem myself from those basketball shots earlier. I don't know the lyrics really. That song. Fly me to the moon. To Frank Sinatra. I just don't fly me to the moon in other words. The only part I know. Sing that part. We want to hear you really try. Justin Timberlake. I'm so sorry. And everything I love you is a moment we lost eyes. Can't stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You. Oh my goodness. It's working.

I'm from Miami. I don't know this song, unfortunately. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Okay. All right. This is beautiful. Jeff Scott wants to see you guys kiss. I could tell by his laugh. All right. I hope you're like cottonmouth. All right. Castle, tell us something else interesting about you. What else in your life? You get a lot of girls being the lead singer of a cool hit band. You have tattoos on your wrist. You have a nose pierced and you seem like a good looking guy. Oh, thank you. You're Cuban. You probably know how to romance them. You can make like a rose pop out of anywhere or something. He's like the Sol Bay. Yeah, dude, I grew up on I love Lucy. So I just pull those tricks. It's worked so far.

So what else? Jesus, quite the entrance going on over here. What else? What else do you do for fun? Wait, do you have long hair you're hiding? I do. I'm like in the awkward phase because I started growing up. Let's see it. Shake it out. Oh my God. It's so different now. Oh, hello, everybody. It is me, Casablan Wolf. We see the wolf now. Wow. There you go. No, it's horrible right now. So what are we talking about? Girls, boys, what are you? What are you into? Oh, I'm straight. I date women. I just got out of relationship like a month ago, maybe. Yeah, with a Latina girl that is currently with a girl. I wish I lived in Miami. Is she an ethical slut sitting on her coffee table?

I think it's embedded into her. Maybe I don't know why that relationship end. You know, when you get into enough emotionally abusive relationships, you kind of pick up on the patterns and you're like, you know what, I'm going to walk out of this before I end up like Ryan Joseph. So I was just like, I was out. That's it. I just walked up before I got to facing it sometime. How long were you together? Four months. It was a quarantine thing. That's good for you. Thanks. What's your what's your favorite thing in the bedroom? You have any special sexual maneuvers that you do on a girl? You give them the the Cubano, the I call it that's why you put a sandwich up there. Yeah, you put a sandwich and then she poops it

out of her mouth. It's so good. You ever give you ever give a girl the old Fidel fucking Castro? What I like to do is I go into the room and I just grab stuff in the room and make a makeshift raft, lay them on it and then have sex with them. He Leon. He Leon Gonzales. Honestly, Elaine Gonzalez grew up to be fucking smoking. Is that true? He is my celebrity crush, dude. He is fucking banging. Wow. Look at that. Sorry. It's true. You're talking about the baby on the boat. The kid on the boat. Yeah, I got hot and shit. The dolphin saved him. Yeah, that baby. They probably raped him. You could talk about dolphin rape. He's a grown adult. Not a baby anymore. He's all grown ups. All right, Castle. Yes, sir. How about any other hobbies? How do

you kill time in your place during the quarantine? I am very fortunate to have a studio where I live, so I've just been working for the most part. You just make music all the time. Sometimes I learn how to make cold brew coffee on my own. It was fun. I just put in the refrigerator for a couple. Yeah, dude, I was blown. Well, the filtering parts of the worst part, dude, it takes so much time to make it. It's pretty hot. Jesus. Yeah, he is pretty hot. Wow. I guess that's like for what he was a young boy to demand an inner tube immigrants. Yeah, exactly. I like I hear he still has the the marks from the raft on his back. Wow, where the rubber meets the road. Do you play any instruments outside of outside of singing? I do. Like what? Everything that's here. Whoa, really? Trumpet

Yeah, I suck at the Woodwinds now. I think I like got out of that when I was in sixth grade. How about drums? Can you play drums real quick for us? I started learning how to play it during quarantine. Yeah, that's not good. Well, it's not good enough. You can't even beat me in a Mexican drum off. Not to mention. Wait, I'll take a bet on that. Actually, I would like to see that. I'll take a bet on the first ever white drum off first. It's a Cuban guy. Oh, my God. I can't believe it's going there for the first time ever. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen, y'all. We going into overtime right now. We got to keep it moving. There goes Castle Wolfe. Thank you very much. Castle Wolfe. Maybe episode 500. I'll do a Mexican drama. I'll be fine. He's got to go

in practice. Tony gets good at things. Stay tuned for episode 500 because if I do a Mexican drum off, it's got to be against Joel. Yeah, this was the one and then if and then if he wins, he gets to take my job for an episode and it'll be an episode of kill Joel. Oh, good. But if I win, you got to fuck his ex-girlfriend of 13 years. I guess no matter what happens. Yeah, but then you have to be the drummer for an episode and Joel gets to be. Yeah, that sounds like fun. That sounds like a lot of fun for me. I get to make fun of how bad Joel is at hosting the show. This has a shower before he does it. Do you remember when Jeremiah hosted it? Yeah. And it was like 30 minutes of ads up top. Yes. I don't know why I was throwing him under the bus. Yeah, I love you.

What happened? Why are you crapping on me? Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time that I look forward to every single week. An absolute genius is amongst us. A guy, I don't know if you've ever seen Moneyball, but this guy bats a thousand. He slugs a thousand. He gets on base every goddamn week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians on the goddamn planet, a creative genius. This is the creative force of Michael Laird. Love the shoes. Here he is live in the flesh, a joint in his mouth. He is rolling around. He is getting in his zone. We've seen this before. He's away from the microphone. He's approaching the microphone. This is Michael Laird, originally from New York through Chicago. And now here he is.

Before I start the minute, I'm not going to do. I'd like to say I'm the house cripple, but I'm also the house ombudsman. And this has been an amazing episode. And Annie, you're a big part of that. Like you brought a great energy today. And these fucking basketball players and one and one white chocolate over there. I feel like a homeboy. Annie, those bamboo earrings. Yeah, I took them actually out of a black girl's ears. Is that okay? Yeah, I'm a big, I love fans. So and I'm from New York, so I recognize those earrings. But Tony, shut the fuck up. Yeah.

All right. So obviously, Hollywood's all up my ass. They're like, Michael, you're so good at writing and we need you to be in the next Dick Wolf. I'm like, what? Like, we need you to be the next Dick Wolf. I'm like, what? Dick Wolf. He got the cop shows. He got the fireman. He got the doctors. But when they play, what do we need the show about now? The nurses Tony pull out the box. This is a box that was given to me before the show by Michael Lair. I'm opening this is my dick wolf. Wow. All right. That other guys. Oh my goodness. There's scripts in here. Here we go. Thank you, everyone, but I don't want to tell me anything. So I know I do. Should I? What do I do with all these? Pass them on. I have some of these. Yeah. Yeah,

they still make this Brian. Are we all supposed to use them? Yeah. What's the name of the show? It's Smoking Nurses. Yeah. What are you holding? Cigarettes. These are candy cigarettes. All right. Pretty intuitive, right? Yeah. Like it helped with some melting. I didn't have to explain everything. Okay. All right. Here we go. Tony, when is everyone ready? I think so. And I think this is my dick wolf. Everyone in Hollywood is like Michael Lair right the next dick wolf. And I'm like, okay. So Tony, help me out. Here we go. And remember band. Let's do this as if though your characters are doing impressions of your actual people, not in character. Pardon me.

Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. This is the Smoking Nurses from a guy who watched Law and Order, Michael Lair, Nurse Tony. And here we go. Theme song in three, two, one. Front line. Overtime. They smoke. They nurse. They are the Smoking Nurses. The Smoking Nurses is filmed entirely behind the hospital where the nurses go to smoke cigarettes. I am so burnt out. Front line better turn into fun time ASAP because Nurse Red Band needs to get F-U-C-K fucked. At least you have fucks to look forward to. Nurse Red Band, I lost seven patients to Corona this morning. I courageously offered each of them one last chance to bust a nut. Nurse Jeremiah, that's a violation of your nursing home.

To heck with oaths. This is the rapture, honey. These men deserve a final nut blast. One of the men who died was only 40 years old. No one's safe from Corona. Well, he also had gout and gangrene from abusing Crocodile. Corona! Man, I hope this plague never ends. Nurse Jetski. Fuck y'all. I love living in isolation. Away from my rotten kids and son of a bitch husband. Watching reruns of the Sopranos and ripping farts. With no commentary from my rotten kids or son of a bitch husband. Time to ourselves is important. Some of these patients were the last people they'll ever talk to and holy moly will they not shut the fuck up. It's like they see the light and want to get

everything off their chest. I must have heard a dozen murder confessions. Speaking of confessions, why does everyone have a new Disneyland lantern except me? Because we all went to Disneyland in the middle of a pandemic and didn't invite you. You nurses are a bunch of Rudy Tuesdays. We didn't invite you because you wear scrubs on your days off. It's embarrassing. They're the ultimate in comfortable clothing. Why would I wear something less comfortable? Bet you're naked under your scrubs. Well, squeeze me. It is a health code violation to not wear underwear with scrubs. Probably. Fair. Yeah, you better not wear scrubs to the chief of staff's wedding.

Cancelled. Half of her bridesmaids killed themselves from exhaustion. She thought the ceremony would be in poor taste. Suicide. The ultimate party foul. Next week on The Smoking Nurses. I thought you quit. Smoking? No, nursing. You wish. I do wish. When you're gone, I'll be the charge nurse. That's the nurse in charge. I know what a charge nurse is. I am the charge nurse. I'm just saying you leave. I'm the charge nurse. The nurse in charge. We all know that the charge nurse is in charge. The week after that on The Smoking Nurses. We all got the GD Corona. How? We wear the most protective clothes. It's getting in through our shoes. The average pair of crocs have 40 dime-sized

holes. Damn you, crocs. The end. There you go. The Smoking Nurses. I ate all my cigarettes. That was fun. Hey, Annie. I met you on my first day when Tony pulled my name out of the bucket. Outside, right? Yeah. And right now, I'm having my 46th appearance. Damn. Almost a year. We almost have our anniversary coming in. No, I trouble a little bit. Don't make it an abacus. I'm trying to make a point. 46 episodes. And I met you and you were talking to the guests. Another amazing comedian, Dan Soder. And my son was here. And even though I look so young, I have a 21-year-old son. Damn. And he grew up in Wyoming. And I've got to meet Dan twice. And my son goes to me and goes,

yeah, that makes sense. He's from Colorado because he's a good dude like that. And you're good people too. And I look at your earrings and I think about how before I wanted to be a comedian, I grew up in Queens and I always wanted to be a rapper. I was white, Mike. I was the minority and my, you know, successful. And let me spit one LL verse at you and see how it goes. You're going to spit a verse at Annie? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Wow. What a great way to with respect. Absolutely. He's going to spit a verse at you. Here we go. Michael Lair, spitting a verse from a guy who watched Law & Order. This is a verse. I love a girl with extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings, at least two pair of handy bagging about attitude. That's all I need.

They got me in a good mood. She's going to walk with the switch and talk with street sling. I love when one and one and this get to doing things. Tending to the bus stop, sunken on the log of pop. Once she gets poppin, that's how I'm gonna make the hearty stop. She loves to dance to the right jam. Sue's sweetest fried sugar with the candy and sconic on the completion. Cutest little thing. Let's hear from the girls from around the way. Wow. Look at that. Not only did he spit a verse, I think that was two or three verses. And he also did it all in Latin. I loved it. Thank you. Tony, keep testing me. See what happens. What are you going to do? I'm going to rescue you on the floor. Oh, okay. You want to do some fucking floor wrestling?

I can't walk. My muscles are right this way no more. See, that's a challenge I can't turn down. There's so many challenges today. Your lips still work. You'll get them good. Jesus Christ, Red Band. Your brain is something else. Ruin the moment, Red Band. Your brain is weird, dude. We need to put you. We need to get Red Band a cat scan. Cat scan. What I do this time, it turns out we looked at your friend's brain. It turns out there's an actual packet. It turns out his brain is just a dolphin with eight buttholes. I wish. Michael, anything else before we end this puppy pie? Two things. One, a Red Band. I've never met a man who always likes pussy so much, but it's really homo. That's true. I noticed that too.

He's always the one that brings up all the gay stuff. He knows a lot of gay terminology. Yeah, he's like, oh, you don't know about switching? I think that's what it means. That's called a prize over by the way. It makes me laugh. Go ahead, Michael. Tony, may I use you and Brian's platform to make a shout out? Absolutely. Give a shout out. All right, you see my shirt? Yes, it says Shana versus everybody. Shana Hopper. Now, Shana Hopper is the Mitchie's Turingian problem. And for 40 years, she fucking invested her life in comedy in ways you never fucking know. And the plug maybe ended this, but I love you, Shana. And thank you for making my dreams come to

like these gay guys right here. That's right. Thank you, Shana, for giving us the great Michael Lair. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything, Michael Lair. Tons of merch, tons of awesome content, tons of awesome everything. Michael Lair is the man. And we'll see you next week, Michael. Here comes a drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Let's see what we got tonight. Ooh, la, la. We're all playing basketball, it seems. Extra, extra John Waters-y type of vibes, sort of a scary movie. It's unbelievable what you're able to accomplish. And he has her outfit on in this amount of time. Ryan J. still showing explosive advances every week. Unbelievable. You got everybody in that thing in an hour and whatever this was, 50 minutes or so. Well, we did it. A lot of fun stuff

happening, guys. It was so fun. Annie Letterman, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. It was so fun. Thank you. What's going on? What are you plugging? You have podcasts? Plug on my podcast, Me Inspiration comes out on Thursdays. You can see it on YouTube slash Annie Letterman and other stuff. I have a Patreon also slash Annie Letterman. A-N-N-I-E-L-E-D-E-R-M-A-N. One day, no T's, one D. And one N at the end. Yes, one N. Letterman. L-E-D-E-R-M-A. And follow my Instagram. At Annie Letterman. Yeah. Awesome. Absolutely great. Jeremiah Watkins was the leader of the band. There you go. Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. What else, Jeremiah? Tell us about the work that you've been doing. Man, I got a new breakfast show called Eating Breakfast with Jeremiah.

I tried to request in the other day, I was eating a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit, driving to go play golf. Eating a sausage while driving, not since I was in middle school. I requested in and you wouldn't even take me. I was watching you talk to normal people. I didn't see you then. All right. Normal people. If somebody trolled me as Tony Hinchcliffe spelled differently and I accepted him and then it was a bad impression of you. Oh, shit. So I thought he kept requesting me. I didn't know it was the real you after the fact. That's so funny. But yeah, I got a lot of Jeremiah Wonders out with Dr. Phil, Mr. Fumnar. The band was on recently. I'm doing a lot of cool things. Jeremiah Wonders. And then I want to give a shout

out to Kenny Brown. He was a local comic in the OC area. He passed away recently and I want to shout out to his friends and family who are going through the show. That's right. He's been on the show. He passed away. He's no longer with us. We don't know what happened. I was hanging out with him right before it happened. Really? Is that true? No, it's a callback to the beginning of the show. That's right. The great Jet Ski Jesse Johnson was here. Absolutely killing it as always. She has brand new ornaments for sale and you can get those. They're like Christmas ornaments, but I like to call them anytime occasion ornaments. Anytime, any religion. She hand makes them. Every single thing is handmade by her. I've seen them. I actually bought one off of her. I have it

hanging. It's the first thing you see when you walk into my place. It's just dangling by a strength. So your name is more Etsy than Jet Ski. Whoa. I'm learning from Tony. Yeah, that's what I do. That's my style. These ornaments are unbelievable. You can get them by hitting up Jet Ski Johnson at gmail.com. Or my new website, JetSkiJohnson.com. Wow, Jet Ski. I haven't even gotten to go there yet. I can't wait. Expect some traffic. And real quick, a comedy story YouTube page. Check out through the Looking Glass with Mitch Burrow and Annie was on it. Red Van Tony. I was on it. We had a lot of fun. And hey, everybody, that was Chroma Chris back there this whole time. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Yeah, it was ballin', Tony.

What else, Chroma? Tell us something else. Now that you can follow me on Instagram at Chroma Chris, I've recently been writing, coming up with some new music that I will hopefully be putting out soon. So keep out a lookout for that. We will be on the lookout for sure. Follow him on social media. Guys, I know you're not going to believe this, but the entire time, rim job, that was actually Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Joel, what's going on back there? You got mostly sorry, the podcast. What'd you do this week? What's going on? We're on hiatus because David's out in Chappelle land, so I'm waiting for him to get back. So we'll see. We'll be back. That's it. Mostly sorry. I love you guys. All right. Well, Red Van. Check out Virtual Red Van, my virtual reality show. And also,

check out Brothers in Curse if we got a new Patreon and Dead Air with Brian Holtzman, Desquad.tv. Right. A whole bunch of new merch at TonyHinchCliff.com. And there's the Patreon, Patreon.com slash HinchCliff, where I go over everything roasting with the writer's room of all the roasts, all the meanest people. We talk about us being mean to people, making jokes, of course, and honoring the ones that we love. Oh, also, wait, I have masks for sale that are right. Where can they find those masks? You can find them. If you go to my Instagram, it's in the bio. Hit them up. They're fun. There you go. Absolutely. We're selling out. Thank you to everybody.