KILL TONY - KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Revit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Die, get up for toner and scrap!

Starting point is 00:00:59 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Fuck yeah! God damn it, that felt good! How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Hola! And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land. That is Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. I gotta say he's bigger than ever. He looks fucking huge today. That is Shane Greenberg on the guitar, everybody. Am I saying that right, Shane? Sean? All right. S-H-A-A-N on my fucking sheet.

Starting point is 00:01:54 I had a 50-50 shot at it. Either it could be Sean or Shane. This is what happens. That's the cameraman, Yoni, over there, giving me fucking S-H-A-A-N. Take a good fucking guess, flip a coin. Never seen Sean spelled that way, but you gotta take a chance every.

Starting point is 00:02:15 What's Shane Greenberg? One more time. He's a Jew, I do believe. Greenberg. And this is Jay Stiles joining us on the keys everybody. John Dees and Matt Muehling are out touring arenas with some big musician or some shit. I don't know what they're doing but I like these guys. I like Jay Stiles and Sean Greenberg.

Starting point is 00:02:40 And believe it or not this is Dee Madness here on the bass guitar everybody. Very exciting stuff. I am excited about this episode. It's gonna be a doozy. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMAGE,

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Starting point is 00:04:00 With new features like live SGPs, build-a-parlay, any game any any period. Or stack multiple matchups onto one slip with same-game parlay plus. What's better than playoff hockey? Overtime playoff hockey. Get more from the game with live overtime markets. Download FanDuel today and get more Playoff Action with North America's number one sportsbook. Please play responsibly. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario 1866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? You know, every single week, I know I always hype up every single week because I book it

Starting point is 00:05:02 so that it's entertaining for me. Well, this is one of those weeks where without a doubt it's entertaining for me and for the people because ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one guest night and that one guest happens to be the reigning, defending undisputed guest of the year of 2024. Ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 00:05:28 this is the long awaited return of Harlan Williams. Make some fucking noise for Harlan Williams, K-ball. Come on in, Harland. Boom. Harland Williams of the Harland Highway. So many great things. One of the best comedians in the world. One of my favorite comedic actors. Thanks, brother. Dumb and dumber. Thank you. Thank you, brother. There's something about Mary.

Starting point is 00:06:04 Employee of the month. Thank you. Is you, brother. There's something about Mary. Employee of the month. Thank you. Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way? Fuckin' hell. I get a little excited. I feel like I should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie. What the hell is...

Starting point is 00:06:18 How we feelin' tonight, how... Good, buddy. I brought a little thingamajig if I could... What happened? Well, nothing happened to me gang, comedy gang. But you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer. And every now and then we get comics,

Starting point is 00:06:35 you know, everyone tries real, real hard like. And every now and then we get one that needs a little help, little extra help. So tonight I'll be giving away the Silver Crutch. Ooh, wee! I love it. This is very exciting. Some lucky comedian. In fact, the worst com- I mean, the luckiest comedian.

Starting point is 00:06:55 Yeah. The one that needs it the most. Get a little, little extra kick with the Silver Crutch. The Silver Crutch. We've found the sound effect of the Silver Crutch. The Silver Crutch. We've found the sound effect of the Silver Crutch. Oh, nice. It is that. Red Band has selected. He never knows what sound's gonna play on his soundboard.

Starting point is 00:07:15 I was thinking it'd be more like someone's tripping downstairs. Okay, let's do something like that. Not at the Addams Family House. Okay. All right, Barney Rubble tripping downstairs. Thank you. Yeah. How about that?

Starting point is 00:07:37 I don't use a vibrator, but thank you. Harland the reigning defending guest of the year, here to perhaps be the first ever two-time guest of the year. Oh, come on. Anything can happen. Come on now, Sally Struthers. Anything can happen. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 00:07:59 Don't Strother me up, Sal. That's what I do. Everyone knows that I am the Sally Struthers of this show. And so you know how it works, Harlan. Over 200 people signed up for this show. They are all in the bar next door. 200? Over 200. Oh, dude.

Starting point is 00:08:17 We're gonna let this dying little boy here. He's very sick with something. I'm not sure what it is. He takes the name, he hands I'm not sure what it is. He takes the name, he hands it off. It is legible. And you know how it works. When it's their time,

Starting point is 00:08:31 they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, and me and Harlan find out what the fuck is what.

Starting point is 00:08:45 Stars are made and idiots are found here out of this magical bucket, for this is the number one live podcast in the world, and you are the returning guest of the year. Let's start it off with a bang. Your first set tonight is going to an old friend of the show, a very, very controversial character. Some people love him.

Starting point is 00:09:14 Some people don't love him at all. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been watching him grow over the past couple years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer. -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪

Starting point is 00:09:29 -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪

Starting point is 00:09:37 -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ Some people got a face for radio. I got more of a face for cuck holding. The bar the other night, older gentleman comes to me and goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show. We love you a lot. He said, me and my wife are here, we're new in our vows. For 30 years we've met in this bar.

Starting point is 00:09:52 He goes, man, it's on my bucket list. If you'll have sex with my wife, will I watch? I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving? You want me to fuck your wife? He said, man, I'll be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time. I said, well, let's take a look at her, at least. So he, that's never good, you know?

Starting point is 00:10:15 This fucking vending machine comes up out of the bathroom. From a distance, her skin was leathery. Up close, her skin was leathery. She looked like an old fucking Buick seat. I said, hey, man, I'm gonna have to pass. He said, man, I fucking need this. I said, I fucking don't, you know? He said, I'll give you $4,000 fucking dollars. And I said, you know what dude,

Starting point is 00:10:48 Buick's not that bad of a car. My name's Uncle Lazer, thank you. All right, Uncle Lazer. Have you told that story before on the show? I've done that punchline on the back end, but never the story of it. Okay. Yeah. All right, Harland.

Starting point is 00:11:02 Can you do that? Can you like do a joke and then just plug in the same punchline from another gag? I don't really know. We kind of make the rules as we go along here. Laser's a special guy. I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in Cunnilingus, because your tongue was going, like, all over the place.

Starting point is 00:11:21 You were, like, licking the air, my guy. You are very lizardy. Is that a side effect? Are you on something? Do you need a snow cone or something? Like what's... He's had too many of those. I mean, what's going on?

Starting point is 00:11:32 I noticed it took, I measured it seven seconds before you said anything. You really made a point to make sure that Mike's stand was where you needed it. You know, look there. You're looking at everybody. What is that? What is he doing? He's trying to, I mean, he's Cinco de Mayo.

Starting point is 00:11:48 Your tongue goes a little wild on Cinco de Mayo. They've been snorting tahim since I got up this morning. Wow, look at that. Red band celebrating Cinco de Mayo. He loves mayonnaise. Son of a bitch. So much. He loves mayo.

Starting point is 00:12:04 Pickles. And pickles. Celebrating Lick-O-De-Krack-O. What the hell? Yeah. I love it, Lazer. So what's been going on, dude? Just hanging out.

Starting point is 00:12:15 Did that really happen? Did you fuck a woman in front of the husband? Yeah. And honestly, it reminded me, when I first lost my virginity, it was a cuck holding situation as well. Do you need another guy in the room to get hard? I needed, wait, he was black. Oh. It was a black guy and Mexican chick.

Starting point is 00:12:36 I stole my mama's Jeep-dran Cherokee and we went to the La Colonia, which means El Colony in Spanish, and we snuck into her window and he let me go first because he was a gentleman, but I was 12. So I didn't really know what I was doing, you know, and then I feel a tap on my shoulder and this big, beautiful black man with his hard dick.

Starting point is 00:12:54 It's a stereotype, their dicks are huge. And it fucking- Wait, what is going on, dude? Holy shit. Are you talking- I love it when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:13:08 You were 12 and there's a giant, hard, black dick in front of you all of a sudden. You need to put yourself behind bars, bro. Yeah. I was just happy to be there. You know, like, he tapped on the show, he goes, let me show you how it's done. And then he picked this Mexican woman up and he, like, put her up against the wall

Starting point is 00:13:24 of the trailer house. Well, they want her falling through the wall into her theia's room, and she starts freaking out. I go, man, they're calling the cops. So we drove back home with mom's Jeep. I wrecked it halfway there, and then cops got him. All right, this is enough. Jesus fucking Christ.

Starting point is 00:13:40 This is the longest sex story ever. I mean, if you're going to make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines laser. This is the longest sex story ever. I mean, if you're gonna make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines, Laser. This is criminal. I'm just talking about my life. All right. Okay, well. All right.

Starting point is 00:13:55 What are you on tonight? I'm not on anything. I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple of margaritas. That's not it. Yeah, okay. Adderall. All right.

Starting point is 00:14:04 There it is. There's the... I'm not gonna lie to you. There's been. Yeah, Adderall. Yeah, that's tough. Oh, there it is. There's the... I'm not gonna lie to you, there's been a lot of Adderall today. There's the... It's Monday, you know? Who hates Mondays? Gotta celebrate. Dude, I would love it.

Starting point is 00:14:14 I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. You'd eat it, you'd eat it. Oh, it. I love it. Uncle laser. We're going to get you out of here.

Starting point is 00:14:31 We're going to get to the bucket. Way to get it started. Uncle laser. My uncle laser might be two of these. He might need a bucket. Oh, my God. There she is. ladies and gentlemen. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Starting point is 00:14:50 Wow. Thank you. Unbelievable. Wow, there's a desperate, horny man in the middle of the room yelling things at Heidi. Okay, to the bucket we go. This is where we meet people. Chaos happens, and we find out more about them.

Starting point is 00:15:05 Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket pool. Goes by the name of Zeth Burton, everyone. Zeth Burton. All right, how we doing, everybody? Yeah, you know, I'm pretty tall. I come up here, I'm 6'5", you know, 200 pounds.

Starting point is 00:15:24 You see any ladies out there. But anyway, so I hit'm 6'5", you know? 200 pounds, you see any ladies out there. But anyway, so I hit about 6'5", 200 pounds. I was 12 years old. And you know, no one really tells you, but like that's, you deal with a lot of stuff. Like I was like, my name's like Saggy because I have saggy nipples, you know, like. Okay, you can laugh, it's fine.

Starting point is 00:15:41 Anything else, so it's like, they call me Shrek, my football team, you know? And like, no one tells you, but like, call me Shrek, my football team, you know? And no one tells you, like, as soon as I hit 12 years old, you know, no one will want to molest me anymore, man. It's over, you know? God. All right, this is a comment.

Starting point is 00:15:56 Oh, God. But, oh, man. You know? But I'm from Texas. You get up for Texas, everybody. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's just chill out, OK? Um, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Like, growing up in Texas, high school's a lot different out here. Like, we didn't bring anything but a car to school day, so they're showing up in horses and tractors. And you know, in career days, they're showing up in white hoods and crosses, you know? It's pretty crazy. I love it, man.

Starting point is 00:16:20 Oh, I mean, no, I'll, oh, shoot, OK. I'm going to say it. All right. Do you want to finish? Was there something big that you're getting to there? I mean... Arlen's saying no. No, go ahead. Finish it. Oh, I was gonna say, like, you know, when I was 15,

Starting point is 00:16:36 we had, like, gun safety classes because they wanted to get to those school shooters early, you know? But, uh, I wish they'd have gotten me, though. I mean... Pfft. Wow. All right, Zeth Burton,

Starting point is 00:16:48 let's talk it out here for a second. You know what I find amazing? I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Lazer's last story. Yeah. Strangely enough, we have heard of two 12... 100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12

Starting point is 00:17:06 Yeah, and in particular getting molested. Yeah, it's like, you know, where did the molestation happen my guy? I mean, you know like dogs and stuff, you know a dog molested you Yeah, man, I stole I stole a shoe from a dog. It mounted me man And it just like just totally like kept it tight so it penetrated me man Well, you're right man. I ain't too right, man. You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes. I mean, hey, like, I saw, like, there was another girl, like, who she was like, oh, I was gonna save her shoe,

Starting point is 00:17:33 you know, like, we were 12 years old, I was like, oh, this is it. And she, I couldn't, you know, there's no risk to get, like, if she watches me. Jesus, Seth, shut the fuck up. Holy shit. All right, let's talk about it. Put the crutch down for a second.

Starting point is 00:17:47 Oh my God. Yeah, this guy's got a whole fucking wheelchair. Forget about the crutch. Oh, Lord. Man. Okay, so Zeth, how long have you been doing stand-up? Let's see, close to two years now.

Starting point is 00:18:01 Two years, where at? Mostly now in Los Angeles, but I started here in Dallas. You started here in Dallas, and now you live in Los Angeles. What brought you here? Well, it's my mom's birthday this week, so I came for that. And I was like, you know what, let's drive three hours to do this, right? OK.

Starting point is 00:18:20 Is this your first time signing up for the show? It is. Or it's not. It's my third time. OK. This is your first time on the show. Yeah. Okay, are you any relation to Jack Nicholson?

Starting point is 00:18:29 I wish, yeah. You have a crazy fucking face. Yeah, there it is. Wow, there it is. Look at that, wow. I nailed it. It's the zoomed face. Man, is there someone that I look like Quentin Tarantino?

Starting point is 00:18:40 No. Thank you, thank you. Oh my God, okay. No. I wanna kill one. So, Zeth, how old are you? I'm 25 25 and what do you do for work? Oh, I'm I work in I give tours at a movie studio Okay. Yeah, and how long have you been doing that for? Uh About two years. I got the job immediately as I moved out there

Starting point is 00:19:00 Okay, imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end You better give me a fucking tip. Here, I'm gonna follow you fucking home, Wendy. Oh, yeah. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Okay, don't make me fall in love with you, guy. Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second? Yeah, I can. There we go.

Starting point is 00:19:23 Yeah. Watch him. He's definitely part I can't. There you go. Yeah. He's definitely part of a laser story. This is it. We found Uncle's nephew. Yeah. So, Zath, you're out there. You're giving tours. You're in L.A.

Starting point is 00:19:36 And you came here to celebrate your mom's birthday. Yeah. Did it already happen? It did already happen, yeah. What did you guys do to celebrate mom's birthday? Well, she bought me some boots, and she also took me to a Rangers game yeah. And then yeah yeah they suck. But I also I mean I paid 200 bucks to get over here so it's kind of like the big gift for her because I had to pour. 200 bucks is a you got your round trip

Starting point is 00:20:01 flight for 200 bucks? Yeah. Where did you book? What airline is this? American. American. Oh yeah. 200 round trip from LA to Austin. Incredible. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Oh yeah. It's probably the worst flight I've ever experienced. Why? Well, you see, whenever there's turbulence, sometimes people don't really understand what that means. What does it mean to you, Seth? Well, because whenever I'm on a flight, I'm just picturing I'm going to die when I'm on the flight.

Starting point is 00:20:28 Just in my head, I kind of view, like, the plane's gonna crash. I don't know it's gonna crash. So I just assume that it's gonna happen. Right. So anything that happens, I'm ready to die. Like, you know, I don't have... Keep going, yeah. I have a lot of regrets, but when you die, you die. You don't really...

Starting point is 00:20:44 No one's gonna tell you when it's gonna happen, so it's gonna happen when it's happened, so... So have you ever died? I mean, there was one time I thought I was gonna die. But you haven't died. No, I haven't died, yeah. Okay, then shut the fuck up. All right, yeah. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:20:57 All these fears for absolutely nothing. Tell us something you know about, Guy. Yeah. Have you really come close to dying at any point? Turbulence has zero negative effects on a flight. It's a natural thing and it doesn't mean fucking anything. It doesn't though. Your risk of dying is the exact same as when the flight is completely smooth.

Starting point is 00:21:18 I know this because as some of you know, I'm a professional pilot. I'm also a Canadian doctor. Very good. Perfect timing on that. It's actually a good thing, right? Like when you feel the plane go up like that, that means that you've got lift. There's thrust under the wings. That's the first law of aerodynamics, Dairy Queen,

Starting point is 00:21:35 like here. Yeah, it is true. It is absolutely true. What are you into? You can't possibly wanna be a tour guide for your entire life. So what are your main goals here? Well, my main goal is to be a tour guide for your entire life. What are your main goals here? Well, my main goal is to be a comedian, believe it or not. But, you know, I've...

Starting point is 00:21:51 I used to be really fat, like I said, so I always want to own my own gym someday. Uh-huh. Oh. And outside of that, I really... I ain't got no ambitions outside of that. You have a chance at owning your own gym someday. Thank you. I would pull all efforts into that.

Starting point is 00:22:07 How fat were you, my guy? Like, how fat? I was like 300 pounds. Three hundy? Yeah. Three hundy. What was the fattest part? The arse, the legs, the chest?

Starting point is 00:22:16 Did you have a gut? Like, talk to me, describe it. Not for me, for that guy there. Yeah. Probably like the whole belt right here. Like, you had those stretch marks over my stomach. Like, I still Probably like the whole belt right here. Like you have those stretch marks over my stomach. I still got like the stretchy skin right here. I got my whole arms all stretchy.

Starting point is 00:22:30 Can we see it? I love stretchy skin. Yeah, let's see that fucking, oh shit, I do see, oh! Oh my god, fucking absolutely. Can we see the belly meat? I love stretchy belly meat. It's not stretchy, man. Yeah, let's see. That's not bad. It's not as stretchy, man. It's not as stretchy. Oh, God. That's not bad. It's not, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:48 That's why I show my arms. That wasn't bad at all. That was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face. Yeah. Yeah, it was blurbulence. That's what you thought. Did you just come up with, invent a new word?

Starting point is 00:23:03 Yeah. Blurbulence. Blurbulence. Can you just come up with, invent a new word? Yeah. Blurbulence. Blurbulence. Can you use it in a sentence? The fat man on my plane was affected by massive amounts of blurbulence. That is correct. That is correct. So, Zeth.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Yes. Have you ever met anybody else named Zeth with a Z? I have. You have? Yeah, in my high school, my, I went to high school with somebody named Zeth, yes. And his brothers' names are Zack and Zane. My brothers' names are Zack and Zane, yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 00:23:30 Wow. A bunch of children of the corn over here, Marlon. Very scary names. Children of the popcorn, apparently. Yeah. How scared are you on a scale of one to 10 were you scared of that turbulence on the plane? Be honest, don't be afraid to look like a, you know, a scaredy guy, like on a scale of one to ten were you scared of that turbulence on the plane? Be honest. Don't be afraid to look like a scaredy guy on a scale of one to ten.

Starting point is 00:23:49 Don't be afraid to look like a big tall pussy. I mean, every time I fly, I just about feel like I was going to shit my pants on that plane. So a ten? Yeah, I'd probably say a ten. Can I do something for you? What's that? Does that turn you on? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:13 I'm bricked up right now, man. Wow. What are you into, Seth? Do you have a girlfriend? You're 6'5", according to you. I don't have. Hey, I'm going into my doctor's, too, okay? Really? Yoni, let's get a tape measure out here. I'm seeing 6'4 all day.

Starting point is 00:24:29 Is anybody else thinking 6'4? This sounds like a 6'4 guy that's trying to add another inch. Well, I'm 6'2. This guy's saying 6'3.5 right here. I'm hearing it. Do we have anybody? How many? Make some noise if you think he's six, five. Literally nobody. Seth, pop off one of your shoes.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Pop off one of my shoes? Oh, here we go. Yeah, we're doing it shoeless, buddy. Stand on that left foot. There you go. Here we go. Uh-oh. Face the audience. Yep.

Starting point is 00:25:00 I love how Yoni always makes him turn around. He goes that way. All right. You're bending it a little bit, Yoni, just to let you know. Okay, that's perfect, right there. Yep, Yoni is a Jew, so he knows measurements very well. No, no, no. Six-four.

Starting point is 00:25:16 Six-four. Oh! Oh! Take it from me. I'm 5'10". Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, you really know your guys. That's right. That's right.

Starting point is 00:25:35 No doubt about it. I know my guys. That's why I know you're 6'2". Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Zeth, tell us the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here. Well, recently I was in Burbank,

Starting point is 00:25:58 and you know how like that intense... It's pretty intense over there I guess, but... Not really, but it's... Pretty what over there? Intense. In what way? You live in a tent? there, I guess, but, uh, not really. But it's, uh... Pretty what over there? Intense. In what way? You live in a tent? Yeah, I do, actually, yeah. In what way is it intense?

Starting point is 00:26:10 Well, generally it's not, but like, I went over there once, uh, I was over there at like 11 p.m. at night, and uh... Ooh. Yo, yeah. Yeah. And like... You sure it wasn't 10.30? I mean, hey, I mean, I got you...

Starting point is 00:26:23 Sir, if you could sit the fuck down. Oh, that's a waitress, go ahead. Oh, go ahead. And this guy. Go ahead, Night Stalker, finish. I mean, this guy pulled up in his car and he asked me to come over to it. Like, he said, hey, come over to my car.

Starting point is 00:26:40 So I, you know, I came over to his car. And he showed me this, like this. He showed me on his phone, he said my girlfriend's been kidnapped, and he's scrolling through the sex-crapping website she was on. And then he showed me a pit bull in his passenger seat.

Starting point is 00:26:53 He's telling me his family's been replaced with clones, and that his landlord's replaced. He said the Armenian and Russian mafia are after him. His hand was bleeding. And the whole time, I'm just trying not to like laugh because I feel like if I did, he was gonna kill me. But it was probably like the... Because he was what, 7'3". Yeah, he was.

Starting point is 00:27:11 He was 7'4", actually, but yeah. You know he's one of Uncle Lazer's writers, right? Like this is just a continuation of the last story. What the fuck is Uncle Lazer's doing? Seth, I'm gonna tell you what. I was gonna give you a medium-sized Like, this is just a continuation of the last story. What the fuck is Uncle Lazer's doing? Seth, I'm gonna tell you what. I was gonna give you a medium-sized jokebook,

Starting point is 00:27:30 but since you lied about your height by an inch, we're gonna go one inch smaller, and I'm gonna give you a little jokebook. Thank you. Your first bucket full of the night is Seth Burton, everybody. Thank you, guys. Fun stuff, Seth. There he goes.

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Starting point is 00:30:09 Prize picks, run your game. All right, we're gonna meet another one altogether, ladies and gentlemen. Could be the next superstar of the show, who knows? Make some noise for Ian Simon. Here we go. How you guys doing? Everybody good? Fantastic. Fantastic. It's glad... oh this is fucking amazing. I gotta take a piss so bad. I just forgot to share it with you guys. Didn't have time. Um, so I was thinking do you think Muslims ever, do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb?

Starting point is 00:30:48 I was just thinking about random shit all the damn time. I was thinking like the best place to pick up women is probably Planned Parenthood. Because you know there's a good chance they put out and you know things don't go well. Just a suggestion. Um, let's see. You know what fucking sucks? I've been wearing hats my whole life, okay?

Starting point is 00:31:13 Because I didn't want this cul-de-sac fucking thing. I don't mind it going bald, but why isn't it just all bald, okay? Why the fuck is... It just doesn't make any sense to get the cul-de-sac, and then what is this? Anybody else bald out there? Don't lie to sense. You get the coldest act, and then, what is this? Anybody else bald out there? Don't lie to me. There's lights.

Starting point is 00:31:28 I can see you. It gleams. Anyway, this thing, this fucking island. Why is there a fucking island? Oh. Wow. I'm gonna stop you right there, Ian. Holy shit. My God. Hi, Ian. How are you?

Starting point is 00:31:46 Tony. Hello. Fuck this. It's crazy. Yeah. How's everybody doing? The band? Okay. Hi, Ian. Over here, buddy. Over here, Ian. Oh, boy.

Starting point is 00:31:54 Ian. Hi, pal. How are you, buddy? Hey, I'm fucking amazing. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up, Ian? In total, probably two years. A year and a half, two years.

Starting point is 00:32:04 Okay. where at? Here, here. I moved here, let's see, about four or five years ago. To do fucking comedy and the first time I did it was out here. When you moved here four or five years ago to start doing it, what took you two or three years to start? So I did it right away when I came out. And I did it and kept doing it. And then things in life happened.

Starting point is 00:32:28 What in life happened? My dad fucking died. OK. How did he die? Diseases. How many? Yeah, how many diseases? Several.

Starting point is 00:32:39 So they were the ones that the bad ones were. By the way, you almost made it sound like a fun pack, by the way. Oh, no. It fucking sucks, dude. I love my dad. We were really close. He had a great sense of humor. He did? Yeah, he did. I don't know. This is bullshit.

Starting point is 00:32:55 But, like, you know, growing up, Abbot Costello and that type of stuff. Okay. And what do you do for work, Ian Simon? What's that, sir? Jesus Christ. You know what I thought of when I first looked at him? I gotta be, don't take this the wrong way, guy, but when you first walked out, I thought, I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Fucking wow. Yeah. And that's a compliment, guy. Thank you. Onions have layers and others have layers. That's right, my guy. Ian Simon, what do you do for work? That's a good fucking question, Tony.

Starting point is 00:33:33 Um... I, uh, so... So I've been on... I was on disability for 20 years. What was the disability? Well, I've been on, I was on disability for 20 years. What was the disability? Well, I've had, okay, we'll get personal here, fuck it. I've had surgery on both feet, three knee surgeries, twice on the left, left rotator. What happened?

Starting point is 00:33:56 I went to 13 fucking hernias, dude. What happened to your feet and knees? Adrenaline junkie, just through the years of... So what were you doing? Oh, shit. Ian, you're... I like to go fast. I was a passenger in a lot of them.

Starting point is 00:34:12 Mine were mainly with inanimate objects. About 13. Don't count anything under 50 miles an hour. It's quite impressive. I'm retarded. Is that a jewel underneath your eye? Is that a piercing of some kind? Yeah, there's like a piece of jewelry there.

Starting point is 00:34:24 It's a dermal. It's a dermal. It's a what? A dermal. What does that mean? It means that they go into your face with a little screwdriver that's got a round razor on it. OK, let me ask you this, Ian Simon. I'm going to ask you another question so you talking

Starting point is 00:34:36 doesn't have to happen. I noticed during your set there was a part, because I pay a little bit of attention. I noticed a part where you were performing and you kind of went like that a little bit. Right? Maybe. Were you pushing one of your teeth into your gum line?

Starting point is 00:34:50 At least 16. What? That's a different answer to a different question. I just threw a number out there. Do you even know what I just asked you? Yeah, something about teeth. Yeah. So 16 what?

Starting point is 00:35:02 That was just a random number. Okey dokey, Ian Simon everybody, there he goes. You shouldn't be out in public anymore, Ian. I think we got a winner here. I think we won the silver crutch, my guys. Take that home. You won the silver crutch. Thank you. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:35:21 You just handed a person a weapon on this stage, Harlan. There he goes. And this is the guy with all the feet surgery. There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Bye-bye, Ian. There you go, buddy.

Starting point is 00:35:36 You're gonna need it for those feet and legs. Wow. That was perfect. It was a perfect time to get up. There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody. It's an Austin police officer I just saw when the curtain opened up. Pretty sure he's just gonna get arrested now, everybody. This is a real live show. Anything can happen. I feel sorry for that crutch, I gotta tell ya.

Starting point is 00:36:00 Well... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Anything can happen here. Believe it or not not that guy's been doing it for two years okay make some noise for your next comedian Lucas Lucas Hinder lighter Lucas Hinder lighter Lucas Hinderlider. This is Kill Tony. Oh wow, thank you guys. My name's Lucas. I just moved to Austin recently. I've been dating a little bit since I got out here. Most recently I was in a relationship with a non-binary person. Yeah, someone who identifies as they them. And it was cool, you know, We had a good relationship.

Starting point is 00:36:45 I will say the hardest part about dating a they, them is we would get into arguments and I didn't know if I could hit them. You know? Yeah, like tell me which one you are. Are you a boy or a girl? You know? Can I hit you? Or can we have a beer and watch the football game?

Starting point is 00:37:11 What do we... What are we doing? Thank you, guys. A little bit about my name's Lucas Hinderleiter. People often when they hear my name, they'll say things like, oh, Hinderleiter, that's a pretty German name. That sounds like a Nazi's name. Yeah, and that's when I tell them it was actually.

Starting point is 00:37:41 My grandpa. All right. His name was Nazi. There's the bear. There you go. You got it. My grandpa. All right. His name was not Hinderlighter. There's the bear. There you go. You got it. My bad.

Starting point is 00:37:49 Welcome to the show, Lucas Hinderlighter. I'm happy to say you are the fourth comedian that went on stage today and the first one to do a joke. Congratulations. Hell yeah. It's a shocking episode. If there was a reverse silver crutch to give out, he would get it right now.

Starting point is 00:38:07 Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence. Yeah. This is a crowd that likes to see someone get what they deserve. By the way, were you shrimping earlier today? What's going on here? You do have a look.

Starting point is 00:38:28 You have a look like you were on a boat with a purpose. Yeah. Were you on a boat today? No. This is how you dress normally for land? No. No, this hat's new. I put this hat on today.

Starting point is 00:38:41 I thought this was a good look. Where'd you get the hat from? Gas station. Yeah. I had a feeling. Yeah. It's got gas station energy. Yeah. I thought this was a good look. Where'd you get the hat from? Gas station. Yep. I had a feeling. It's got gas station energy. Yeah, I thought it was black. Turns out it's green.

Starting point is 00:38:51 Okay, yeah, it looks green. How about the shirt? What are you wearing? Who are you wearing? This is George from Walmart. Wow, incredible. More like Bi-Curious George from Walmart. Yeah, take a sip for that victorious joke.

Starting point is 00:39:25 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a Nazi? No, he fought in Vietnam. Oh, okay, perfect. For the Americans. Yeah, made all the Jews he killed really confusing. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, Vietnamese, Jews, both good at hiding, both good at math, they have a lot in common. Okey-dokey. Lucas, how long you been doing stand-up? About nine years. Nine years, where at?

Starting point is 00:39:43 Nine, nine, nine. There you go. No years, yeah. Red Band, where's your sound effect, Red Band? You did it, buddy. That's a big one for you. That's a big one for my little boy, isn't it? Where is it at?

Starting point is 00:39:58 Where is it at, buddy? You know where your sound effects are. Da, da, da, da. Red Band. With a da da. Red band. With a 999. German reference. Yeah, I started in St. Louis. St. Louis.

Starting point is 00:40:14 How long have you been in Austin? Like a year. OK. What do you love about Austin, Texas? I don't really, man. I don't really like this place. Wow. You miss St. Louis? Well, I lived in New York before I moved here.

Starting point is 00:40:26 New York City. Yeah. And you prefer New York City. I like it. What do you like about it? I like the energy, man. I don't know. I like, you know, you wake up, there's people walking around, makes you want to get out of bed. You live out in the country here or something?

Starting point is 00:40:39 You don't see people walking around? No, I live pretty north, though. It's not the city. You ever thought about moving downtown where people are walking around? No, I live pretty north though. It's not the city. You ever thought about moving downtown where people are walking around with energy? No. Well, you should. Cause we got that too. Okay.

Starting point is 00:40:53 You don't have to step over migrants to do it. I like that part. Yeah. You like the migrants. That's my favorite part. You would, you're a hinder lighter. Yeah. You believe in superiority.

Starting point is 00:41:03 Yeah, I step on them. Wow. How do you say it with, like, a German accent, your last name? I don't know, dude. I don't fucking... I'm not German. Red band's German. He's hinder lighter, he's hinder heavier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:19 Where's mine at? Pfft! Like, you can't... you don't say around that, like, your grandparents don't say, Ew. Where's mine at? No. No. No. No. Like you can't, you don't say around that like your grandparents don't say Das ist Shinjulaita. Like something like that?

Starting point is 00:41:32 No. Does that sound familiar, guy? Uh, Das ist Shinjulaita. No, my grandmother was British. Okay, so that's, she said things funny. Oh, they say, Shinjulaita. Yeah, she said things funny, yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:44 Dude, do you know what you are at this point, you're like fucking International House of Pancakes. Like, where... What are you? British, German? You're redheaded, too. It's interesting. You look Irish. You're wearing green. You got red hair. You're like a little Christmas guy.

Starting point is 00:41:57 Yeah. You're like the world's biggest elf. I get Irish a lot, yeah. I also get people telling me I'm not redheaded. People tell me I'm blonde, I don't know. Wow. You know your hat's black, right? What do you do for work, Hinderlighter?

Starting point is 00:42:17 I sell motorcycles, I'm a motorcycle salesman. I sold your producer a motorcycle. Really? Yoni? Yeah, yeah. I sold him his motorcycle. He did. He got a secret motorcycle without telling me.

Starting point is 00:42:28 I don't like my people close to me on motorcycles. It's very unsafe. I don't trust the other drivers. So I found out that he got a secret motorcycle one day. That's one of the two things. He lives a secret double life when I'm not around. One thing he does is he has a motorcycle. The other thing is he has wacky Martin Scorsese glasses

Starting point is 00:42:47 that he wears, big producer glasses that he only wears when he thinks that he's not gonna run into me that night. Yeah, isn't that funny? And every once in a while, I'll give him a rare night off and we'll just randomly run into each other and there he is with these big fucking Robert De Niro and his fucking prime glasses.

Starting point is 00:43:08 These obnoxious, magnified, just big square. Oh, and I'm positive. He goes from bar to bar going, I'm the executive producer of Kill Tony. Oh, you can tell by my fucking blocked up glasses. Oh, I should get on my motorcycle now. I'm purchased from Hinderlighter. Yeah, that's what I want to see. I want to be walking down the sidewalk

Starting point is 00:43:29 and see Elton John burning ants. When I sold him that bike, he told me not to tell you. He told me not to bring it up. He was very, like... Really? Yeah, he was... Aah! Because I told him I was a comic, I sign up and he was like, if you get on, don't bring

Starting point is 00:43:49 this up. What kind of bike did you sell him? A Harley? A BMW. He's fancy. BMW. He's fucking... Wow.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Yeah, he went big. I care about the people close to me and while Yoni is a very qualified motorcycle rider, driver, I don't like him being out there. I don't like Jews on BMWs. And I don't like Jews on motorcycles. It's a... It's like Boston drivers, man. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:17 What about a Jew on an Indian? Well, you know what I call that? What? Oh, come on. Dinner? Yeah. That's called the old two for one. Okay. Free red chicken. Put the fucking mic down.

Starting point is 00:44:39 Lucas Hinderlider, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? You must have some interesting. Schwindelite. Some collections or something? No, I... Speak quickly, Shvindelighta! Uh, I mostly just ride motorcycles.

Starting point is 00:44:53 That's like... Yeah. You ever hit an animal like you ride? Yeah. What'd you hit, Shvindelighta? I hit a deer like two years ago. You hit a deer on a motorcycle? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:02 Whoa, what happened, guy? There's the sound of a deer for this. Yeah, I was going like 45. I broke all my ribs on this side. Wow. I don't care about you. What'd you do to the deer? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:13 Dude, I split that motherfucker in half and so my dad had a couple drinks. He rode up next to me. He said, I can't stop. I'm gonna get a DUI. And he kept riding. Right. So now I'm laying next to me. He said, I can't stop, I'm gonna get a DUI. And he kept riding. Right. So now I'm laying next to the deer, we're both dying.

Starting point is 00:45:31 What? And we're just watching each other take our last breaths. Damn, welcome to another episode of White Trash Bambi. This is incredible. Dude, was it at night? Yeah. You dummy, you would have been able to see the deer and he would have been able to see you

Starting point is 00:45:47 if you were just holding up Zivindalaita. I hope I get hit by a moose tonight after that joke. So let me ask you something, Lucas. Are you good at what you do? You good at selling motorcycles? Yeah. You know what we're going to do here? We're going to have you sell me a motorcycle.

Starting point is 00:46:07 Me, a guy who thinks that they are generally unsafe. Meanwhile, I'll fly an airplane with double-engine failure because I don't have to worry about other people getting in my fucking way. So now you sell me a motorcycle. Lighting and action. you sell me a motorcycle. Lighting and action. How you doing today, sir?

Starting point is 00:46:30 I'm good. I really don't wanna be here. I'm just killing time while my boyfriend buys a motorcycle. So your boyfriend rides? He rides all right. He rides all right. It's more of a nighttime rider after a couple drinks, and then he lays by his deer. That's me. I'm the gay deer.

Starting point is 00:46:58 Okay. So you're looking to ride with him? Well, you know, we were thinking about getting me a little side cart, but I kind of think I want to ride solo a little bit, go out on some joy rides at night, separate from the pack, from the pack of men. So you're looking to cruise. You're not looking to go fast? Yeah, I'm a cruiser.

Starting point is 00:47:22 Cruiser? Okay. All right. What should I get? Harley for sure. Yeah, that's what all the gay guys fast. Yeah, I'm a cruiser. Cruiser? Okay. All right. What should I get? Harley for sure. Yeah, that's what all the gay guys get. Oh, okay. Yeah, for sure.

Starting point is 00:47:30 A little sports-ster? Yeah, a little sports-ster. A little sports-ster. What kind should I get, you think? Tony for you, realistically, I'm talking real, Tony Hinchcliffe, I think you need... I'm 6'5". Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:50 Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah. You need a Rebel 500, that's what you need. Look it up. Okay. Why, okay.

Starting point is 00:48:00 He's clapping over here. Right, that's what I'm saying, yeah. All right, why a Rebel 500? I don't know, it's kind of just a bland, normal, like nothing special about it bike. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? It's like, you know,

Starting point is 00:48:14 it's every girl's starter bike. ["Bad Boy's Bad Boy"] You know what? I'll take two. Yeah, there you go. One for me and one for the guest of the year, Harland Williams. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:31 Well, if it's a girls bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500. How about that? There you go. Lucas Hinderlider. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go? Switch back to normal lights. The motorcycle part's over, thank you. Uh... No, back to normal lights. The motorcycle part's over. Thank you. Uh...

Starting point is 00:48:45 No, happy to be here. You did good. You did damn good, Lucas. Sign up again. Here's the big joke book. We'd love to have you. Very funny interview. Funny stuff. Lucas Hinderleiter has arrived for the Kill Tony universe. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:02 Not bad. Are you really gonna get a bike, bro? No? No. I used to ride a bike, bro? No? No. I used to ride a Honda Shadow around. Really? Yeah. What's that like? Oh, it's like a chopper bike? Oh, the Shadow. Rode around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Starting point is 00:49:17 Huh. There's Shadows everywhere. Wow. I had a Shadow once once and then I hired him as the bass player in the band. It's D Madness. He goes great with Russell Brand by the way, I gotta tell ya.

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Starting point is 00:52:00 Zip Intro. Post jobs today, talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. All right, we're flying through the bucket tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Phil Smith. Let's go. Let's say we have jokes back to back here. Phil Smith. You guys having fun at Kill Tony so far? Let them hear it.

Starting point is 00:52:21 All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead. Fine, don't clap. No, he died, like, before I met her, and recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me. And I said, babe, I had no idea you were schizophrenic. Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend,

Starting point is 00:52:41 but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was. It was your dead father sending me to you. I'm your gift. And then just, like, proceed to use that in our relationship.

Starting point is 00:52:58 Like, hang on, he's coming through. He's saying, I'm right and you're wrong? I thought you'd think your dad would have your back. Hold on, he's coming through again. I'm getting something. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Oh, I don't know why your dad's saying this. He's saying we should invite another woman into the bedroom? Thank you, guys. I've been Phil Smith.

Starting point is 00:53:21 Okay, Phil Smith. All right, Phil, welcome. Keep it been Phil Smith. Okay, Phil Smith. All right, Phil, welcome. Keep it. Where are you from, Phil? Rochester, New York, Tony. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Upstate New York, the absolute worst. How long have you been out of there?

Starting point is 00:53:37 Um, since December. Congratulations. It's your first time being outside of Rochester? First time living outside of Rochester, yeah. Wow. Incredible. Congratulations. How old are you? I'm 28 Rochester? First time living outside of Rochester, yeah. Wow. Incredible. Congratulations. How old are you? I'm 28.

Starting point is 00:53:49 And what did you put your finger up there for, for a second? You had, like, a hold on a second finger that you put up that I completely ignored because I'm the host. Go ahead. Hold it right there. I got something for you. Whenever you're ready. Just do whatever you want. I just didn't know if you knew this.

Starting point is 00:54:03 A certain one of your producers is also from Rochester, New York. I absolutely do. I do know that, and I just found out he's out there buying motorcycles, the fucking guy. Secret motorcycles with special big glasses on. Oh, you like him, all right. The Rochester connection, me and Yoni. I know, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:54:23 You've talked with Yoni about this before. Never talked to him in my life. But you just know he's from Rochester. We know, we know. We know, we know, we know. Yeah, it's a smaller city, and they're like, if you tell someone you're from Rochester, they're like, you know who else is?

Starting point is 00:54:40 Three other people. Yeah, and Yoni's one of those people. Wow, just think after the inevitable motorcycle accident he'll no longer be on that list. Thin in the pack. Absolutely. What do you do for work? Right now it's weird. I came here with like five grand. Are you a wizard? What do you mean it's weird? I came here from Hogwarts. You came here with five grand and? Sm a wizard? What do you mean? It's weird. I came here from Hogwarts and came here with five grand and smoked it went blew through it immediately. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:11 My plan was to do like Instacart. Car broke down very shortly after. Wow. And I got hired at the Vulcan, former venue of Kiltoni, and don't get scheduled there too much. So I did the natural thing anybody would do. I just started playing poker full time. Wow. And I was able to pay my rent up until now just playing poker. Where do you play, online or in real life?

Starting point is 00:55:37 Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move here is because I've always played poker. And Austin, Texas also happens to have the best card room in the country. It is true. The Lodge. Yes, without a doubt. And the best heads up poker player in the world, Doug Polk.

Starting point is 00:55:54 Doug Polk. You know this guy. I met him here. Well, I didn't know him at all. And then one night, after the taping of this show, people kept coming up to me, going, do you know who the fuck's here? Doug Poke's here.

Starting point is 00:56:08 Doug Poke is here. And I'm like, who the fuck is a Doug Poke? What's a Doug Poke? But all fucking night, I swear to God, 15, 20 people. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. So by the time like 1, 1.30 comes around, finally, here's this guy, Doug Poke. I'm Doug Poke.

Starting point is 00:56:21 Bye bye, nice to meet you. Da da da da. I'm the best heads up poker player in the world. That's what everybody kept saying. And I was already drunk at that point. And I go, I'm good at poker. I'll fucking play you heads up. And he goes, and we go, OK.

Starting point is 00:56:33 So we bet. The bet was if he wins, because he wanted to do a minute on the show, if he wins, he gets to do a minute on the show. If I win, he gives me $20,000. Get out. So there we are at Mitzi's after an episode, and we play Heads Up Poker,

Starting point is 00:56:53 me and the best in the world. Whoa. 20 minutes later, guess who won $20,000 fucking dollars? Me. Thank you. Come on. For real? And at that point, since it had only been 20 minutes,

Starting point is 00:57:09 but I was kind of warmed up, I go, I'll tell you what, even though I won, let's go double or nothing. Let's go $40,000 versus a minute of stand up comedy. And so I won $20,000. We doubled the bet to $40,000. Whoa, dude. And he's gonna be, any day now, he's gonna be popping in on the show. So, yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:33 He won. He won that second game. So be on the lookout for the best heads-up. It was so much fun. No, it's not stupid. I said silly. Well, silly, yeah, silly's fun. Was he hot at least? Oh, red band.

Starting point is 00:57:46 God, you need to really give up on the carbs or drinking or something. Something's a little out of touch. He has a bet right now for like a quarter million dollars that he has to get down to like 2% body fat. I don't know anything about that, but I'll tell you this, is we had a hell of a good old time playing poker, and I can't believe that you're able to make a living doing it.

Starting point is 00:58:08 Well, I was. I, uh, I've paid my rent up until now, and in the past few weeks had, like, a $4,000 downswing, so, uh, all in all, in Austin, I am currently up $1,200, but, um... How are you gonna pay rent at the end of this month? I mean, I gotta hope I can currently up $1,200, but... How are you gonna pay rent at the end of this month? I mean, I gotta hope I can make this $1,200 work. Uh, I'm gonna hit the table. How much is rent?

Starting point is 00:58:32 $1,000. Okay. But I'm gonna have to play more poker. I mean, I can't just... Right. I can't just pay the $1,000, have $200. I have to buy in for $1,200, turn it into, like, $3,600, and then I go, to buy in for 1200, turn it into like 3600,

Starting point is 00:58:45 and then I go, oh, I'm chilling, and then maybe lose that in between. Right. It's a whole thing. So when you're playing poker, you're really, your heart's beating out of your chest because it's life or death. I purposely talk about the fact like, I need this,

Starting point is 00:58:58 and then people are like, then he's not bluffing. Right. Like, he, this is his rent money. Wait, wait, wait. Do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know is his rent money. Wait, wait, wait. You don't have like a... Do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know how to do anything else? Like...

Starting point is 00:59:09 Yeah. Like, do you know how to bag fucking groceries? You know how to... Yeah. I'll give you two... I'll take your head out a drive-through window. I mean, what do you... You got anything else, my guy?

Starting point is 00:59:18 I delivered pizzas for 10 years. I'm pretty good at that. Wow. Okay. So, that was... I'll tell you what. I'll give you $2,000 if you kill a guy holding a single silver crutch outside in Weston, Texas.

Starting point is 00:59:33 Done. Should be easy to spot. It should be. He's not using it. He's just holding it. He's carrying it around and he's probably being followed by police officers down the street, so it should be easy to find.

Starting point is 00:59:48 I hope I get to him before they do. That's right. Need that two grand. Phil, anything else crazy we should know about you before we go? Do you really have a girlfriend? Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something?

Starting point is 01:00:00 Yeah, I do have a girl. I really have a girl. What's going on with her, bro, sephiaz? Yeah. I can get into this. Dish the dirt, bro, sephiaz. Yeah, let do have a girl. I really have a girl. What's going on with her bro, Sefi-osh? Yeah. I can get into this. Dish the dirt bro, Sefi-osh. So she's a new girlfriend. I met her at Creek in the Cave. We were there for Banana Phone. Creek in the Cave? I do want to let you guys know there's a free show every Sunday called Banana Phone if you're in town for KillTown. Let's not plug your shows on your girlfriend's back. Thank you, Phil. I was there for that and I met her and I thought she was really hot. She is really hot.

Starting point is 01:00:27 She's way out of my league. And we just started small talking. It was going great. I bought her a drink. And it got to the point where we sat, watched the show. I walked her to her car and she goes, just so you know, I'm married. OK. And then what?

Starting point is 01:00:41 And then I was like, all right, well, I'm totally... I'm a gambler. I'm totally mature enough to be in a platonic relationship with a woman who's married. You're in a platonic relationship? No, no, no, that's what I thought at the time. Platonic. Is that the right word? No, that's when an earthquake happens.

Starting point is 01:01:01 What's the word for... Platonic. Yeah, so like, I thought we could like catch an earthquake together or something. Yeah. Platonic. You cannot use my material against me. I'll speed it up a little bit. No, you're doing good. Keep going.

Starting point is 01:01:14 She was going to like mics by herself and stuff. Her husband didn't support like her doing comedy. Wasn't a fan of you either. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony? That's just what I heard. I don't need to give this guy more of a reason to murder me. So we're not gonna talk too much about him.

Starting point is 01:01:28 No, keep going. This is great. So I'm going to mics with her as a friend, as a platonic friend. And I'm really, like, in my head, like, damn, I've matured so much. She's so hot, and I can just be her friend. And we're going to all the mics, we're going to all the mics, and eventually she just ghosts me.

Starting point is 01:01:51 And I'm like, oh, did I weird her out or something? And so I texted her, didn't get a text back, and then a few days goes by, and I'm like, I'll send her one more. And she says, I was like, hey, did you quit comedy or something? And she says, no, I'm going through some personal stuff. Turns out the personal stuff was she told her husband

Starting point is 01:02:10 that she has feelings for me. And then they started the divorce process. Wow, incredible. There he is, there he is right there. I have a few more questions now that we got a good, real story out of you. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:27 One is, when did you start hooking up with her? Was it before she started having feelings for you, this whole thing? No, again, real mature of me, I waited, because we're in Texas, so you really can't fuck around. Well mature of you, was there a chance, do you think, for you to make a real move there? Did she?

Starting point is 01:02:44 Not really, so like, everybody's like, telling me to make a real move there? Did she? Not really. So, like, everybody's, like, telling me the same thing. Like, well, if she left her husband to be with, what do you think she's gonna do? But as soon as she realized she had feelings for me, she stopped talking to me, worked it out with him, and then filed for divorce. And then we didn't hook up until it was finalized.

Starting point is 01:03:00 Wow. You didn't hook up until it was finalized? Like, the paperwork? Till it was... If you... In Texas, if I was to... Like, she could go to jail. Really? Before it's final. Yeah. It's adultery, even if you have filed for divorce. I'm not getting married.

Starting point is 01:03:16 Yeah. You don't have to worry about that, Redman. So... Uh... Wow, dude. You're like a walking soap opera guy. Don't worry about that, Redman. So, uh... Wow, dude. You're like a walking soap opera guy. Yeah. It's incredible. Gambling, wild women in the parking lot. What else is going on there, relish master?

Starting point is 01:03:37 You play poker, you play tonic. Yeah. This is incredible. It's a wild story. Everything else is pretty chill, honestly. I mean, I think I told you the bulk of my stress and craziness. So this guy didn't let her watch Killtony. Do you know why he didn't let her watch Killtony? That's such a random fucking weird thing.

Starting point is 01:03:59 Again, he's gonna see this, and he's probably gonna hunt me down and kill me, but I do know it was like around one of your first cancellations. This is secondhand information, so I'm sure if you're watching this, here say. But he was like, after Tony said that Asian stuff, you're gonna still watch that show? Oh, he's a... he's a... Incredible.

Starting point is 01:04:27 I actually think he's really cool. Uh... Yeah. Yeah. Phil Smith, a great performance, a great interview. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Phil Smith, everybody.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Wow. How fun, huh? And what's great is that's his last performance ever. Yeah. It's going to be Kill Phil. Does that hurt your feelings that someone like wouldn't watch you because of you? Like, if's awful. If those are the people that aren't watching because of some...

Starting point is 01:05:10 because the news told them that I'm a racist, those are the people I don't want watching. Yeah. So it works out perfectly. Yeah. I ended up with the exact fan base that I wanted to. People that focus on what's in front of them,

Starting point is 01:05:28 not what they're being told by others. Or else I'd be a Nazi. That's what they called me. They said I performed at a Nazi rally. And then I'm against Latinos, even though these are the four most expensive fucking dates you can imagine. Every goddamn Monday,

Starting point is 01:05:45 had a Zoom call with Carlos Sosa today. He's telling me how much he was getting paid on the Kelly Clarkson show. This fucking guy, look at him. Oh. Do do do do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do. Doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly- Look at him. He's about to play the flute

Starting point is 01:06:28 Ladies and gentlemen it is time for one of our absolutely great esteemed regulars I present to you a young man who is Absolutely living everyone's dreams you name it new Netflix deal knew this knew that We'll probably find out all about it real soon. This is a brand new minute from one of the tough young rising comedians in the world. This is Cam Patterson. -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah's up, man? Um, I'm proud of myself. I got a girlfriend now who's been there for eight months, and for the first time two days ago,

Starting point is 01:07:08 I made that bitch cum. I'm proud of myself. Yeah. Yeah, nigga. Yeah, eight months, no cums. Nigga, nothing. We were fucking. I go, baby, did you cum? And she would go, no. And I would go, damn, good night every time. Too bad, bitch, good night every single time. But this night was different.

Starting point is 01:07:24 It was different. Well, kind of the same. We took mushrooms. I fucked her. She didn't come. I said, did you come? She wouldn't know. I said, damn, went to sleep, right? Only thing that was different was, earlier that day, my girlfriend has a roommate. Her roommate brought this dude over. Like, a lame-ass white dude.

Starting point is 01:07:39 He was a real poindexter. He was a bitch, like a real fuck nigga. You know what I'm saying? And I met him, and he was like, how you doing good, Nemesalo? What's up? Pussy, right? He was a bitch. Like a real fuck nigga. You know what I'm saying? And I met him and he was like, how you doing good, Nemesalo? What's up? Pussy, right? He was a bitch. So he talked to bitches. What's up?

Starting point is 01:07:49 Pussy, how you doing, brother? Now I went back in the room, right? And then the night came, and when I was trying to go to sleep, off the mushroom, got the fuck in my lady peacefully, I just heard from the other room, this lame ass nigga fucking the shit out of her roommate. It was just like, ah, ah, the whole, ah, ah.

Starting point is 01:08:07 I'm like, he's in there hurting her, oh my God, what's going on? And then, right when I started to think about it, the mushrooms kicked in, and my brain just went, you gonna let that white boy out fuck you, nigga? And I felt my ancestors grab my back. It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Third Good Marshall. And I put my ancestors grab my back. It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Third Good Marshal.

Starting point is 01:08:27 And I put my shoes off for trash, and I made that bitch cum, nigga. Y'all make camp out there, guys. Fuck yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Can I ask you a question right out of the gate? Those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time?

Starting point is 01:08:44 All right. Ah! Ah! Yeah, they weren't fucking there playing women's tennis. out of the gate. Those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time? That, ah, ah! Yeah, they weren't fucking there playing women's tennis. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cam Patterson has done it again. It was her first come? First come, first come. Wow, what did you have to do to do that?

Starting point is 01:09:01 What did you do differently? It was the mushrooms. Yeah, but like, do you remember, like was there some type of thrusting motion? Was there something? They said it, it was the mushroom. Oh no, no, nigga, wait a minute. I had put shoes on for traction.

Starting point is 01:09:13 You put shoes on? Yeah, nigga, I was butt-ass naked, phone pockets on, nigga. So you were wearing exclusively only shoes? Only shoes, socks and shoes, but only shoes. Wow. Butt-ass naked, only shoes on. And I was going as hard as I could.

Starting point is 01:09:27 I wasn't figuring out, fuck. And he was going hard over there. Yeah. Yeah, he was going crazy over there. You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy. Okay. What the fuck that's gonna do? They got the spikes in them, my guy.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Yeah, you can really get into the... You can flower from standing on the wall. Yeah. I never knew this. This is good to know. White people shit. Hell yeah, golf shoes. Just make sure it's not a waterbed you're on.

Starting point is 01:09:47 Okay. Or else we know you can't swim. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because that would be a mess. That is quite the mess. So she told you that she had never come before.

Starting point is 01:09:58 I always ask her, she always say no. You always ask her. I always ask her every time. Hey, hey, did you come? And she be like, no, I be like, damn, too bad, bitch. I don't really care, but I would like to know. You feel what I'm saying? Don't bother me, I already won,, every time. Hey, did you come? And she be like, no, I be like, damn, too bad, bitch. I don't really care, but I would like to know. You feel what I'm saying? Don't bother me.

Starting point is 01:10:08 I already won. I'm happy. I'm having a good time. You gonna fuck about what she got going on over there? You're ready to go to sleep. Night, nighttime, brother. You feel what I'm saying? Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Starting point is 01:10:20 Yeah, it goes. Hell yeah. I don't want to be too nosy, but have you ever come? Every time. 100%. Okay, I gotta ask, what's that sound like? Ha ha ha! It's a lot of that.

Starting point is 01:10:32 Yeah, it's just a lot of cross-eyed energies. Ha ha ha! Oh, there's a little noise there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put my head down. It's a lot of that. Ah! Ha ha ha! What the fuck are you doing, it's a lot of that. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing man? Somebody called the police, they heard that.

Starting point is 01:10:49 Someone called the police. Hey, who are these niggas man? I go for two weeks, who are these lame ass niggas? Who are these? What the fuck going on here man? They're not lame, they're cool. I mean that guy's cool, that guy's lame as fuck man. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:11:03 This guy's cool as shit, that guy's lame as hell man. He ain't cool but who the fuck, man? What are you talking about? This guy cool as shit. That guy's lame as hell, man. That ain't cool, man. Who the fuck is that guy? Hey, you be nice to Russell Brown. Relax. Who the fuck is that, man? What does he sound like when he comes? He probably sound like a smooth jazz player.

Starting point is 01:11:18 He probably sound cool as shit. Oh, the piano player? Yeah, no doubt about it. Real shit. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. There it go, baby. Hell yeah. You came, I came. Good night. We all came. He probably say nigga when he come, too.

Starting point is 01:11:34 Yeah. He cool enough, though. I came, nigga. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Do you come fast, like, normally? Like, how long do you last? Wait a minute, man. What the fuck we got going on, man?

Starting point is 01:11:48 So stupid. Every once in a while, he takes the word co-hosts to heart and tries to ask his own questions. Black people come faster. Who said that? Who told you that? Nobody. Nobody. He just says stuff randomly. The fuck was that, man?

Starting point is 01:12:01 We was all having a good time. He was like, do you come quick, nigga? How fast do you come, Cam? I got questions about this shit. Yep. It is an interesting question, right, man? Very interesting. So, Cam, what else is going on in life?

Starting point is 01:12:19 Shit, a lot, man. I've been running around doing shit. I'm acting now. I'll be acting and shit, man. Yeah. Hell, yeah. You want to make a... I was like, I can I've been running around doing shit. I'm acting now. I'll be acting and shit, man. Yeah. Hell yeah. You're gonna act, you're gonna make it. I think I can tell them what the big one is. Okay, we're not gonna tell them about the big one yet. But yeah, I'm in some shit.

Starting point is 01:12:32 It's weird, it's weird being like around real actors because I don't act. I'm on me, you feel me? Yeah. When I went to my audition, I remember there was a nigga in there and I asked him, I said, hey man, how you guys started acting? He was like, you know, I was in The Lion King when I was eight, I was simple. I was like, damn, at school? He was like, nah, abroad. I was like, you know, I was in The Lion King when I was eight, I was simple.

Starting point is 01:12:45 And I was like, damn, at school? He was like, nah, bro. I was like, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in this room at all, dog. This is diabolical. But you know, it's cool. I'll fuck with it. You feel what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:12:54 Yeah. Can I ask, you don't have to tell me what it is, but is it dramatic acting or comedy acting? Oh, no, I'm planning to retell it, but. Well, you don't really have to act to do that. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Got it. Wait a minute, what the fuck you just hit?

Starting point is 01:13:12 Die, you guy. If you weren't a retard, you would've got it quicker. No, I had to think about it, but fuck you, Art. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Think about that next time you come. Yeah. I pray to God I don't. I'll be there to hold you, son.

Starting point is 01:13:33 -♪ Oh, man. Yeah. I love it. I'm just acting. I'm just acting. I'm doing a great job. Dude, congratulations. You like acting? It's cool. I fuck with it. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:46 Did you think you would, you know, when you started your journey, you'd go into acting, or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you? It came out of my left field, but I fuck with it, though. That's cool. I'm gonna give you some advice here, because, like you said, you didn't see it coming. Just jump in and take it, man.

Starting point is 01:14:01 Don't be afraid. Just, like, go for it. Just like you do out here. Just go for it, man. You're gonna be good. You're gonna be good. Absolutely. I love it. Thanks for you. Yeah, yeah. If you ever need to be inspired by another great actor,

Starting point is 01:14:14 just think about the acting of your girlfriend when she told you that you made her come that one time. No, she did. I believe her. I believe her. That time, I got her. That time, I got time. There's not a pair of Jordans in the world that are gonna get you there, buddy. Cam Patterson has done it again, everyone. That is yet another new minute from Cam Patterson.

Starting point is 01:14:38 And back to the bucket we go. Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected 24 seven. That's why you need Open Phone. Open Phone is the number one business phone system

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Starting point is 01:17:01 It is live Taylor. Liv Taylor. -♪ What's up, Austin? I am Liv. I did just move to Austin. On the contrary, I do not have two sisters named Laugh and Love. Okay, that was stupid. Sorry. Yeah, I did just move to Austin. My husband died last year,

Starting point is 01:17:24 which is, you know, pretty unfortunate. But men don't like to be told that women are better drivers. So, as a woman, I've just proved my point, okay? I did always tell him I was a better driver. Unfortunately, it took for him to just take me a little too seriously. I've pretty much lost everything that's in my head right now

Starting point is 01:17:44 because there's a giant that's in my head right now, because there's a giant light shining in my face. Anyways, I also have anxiety, so any time that I masturbate, I immediately think of my dead mom. Like, I know I'm shaming God, but like, grandma? Sorry. My husband, though, he was a freak. I like to say that he's now watching

Starting point is 01:18:07 from his favorite point of view, which is from my asshole. Whoo! Great. Love that. Okay! Liv Taylor. I'm excited about this interview. Hi.

Starting point is 01:18:20 The set was fucking... Yeah, yeah. You know what it was. Yeah, I know. You don't have to say. But this interview, I'm real excited about because I love when people die near people that are on this show. It gives us something to talk about.

Starting point is 01:18:31 There's been a lot of that tonight. Like about five of our actors, when somebody died. Yeah, well, odds of us dying have gone up by the people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight. Seems like they have a lot of death around them. Dee Madness is trying to leave right now. And, which is very telling like they have a lot of death around them. D Madness is trying to leave right now. And which is very telling because they have a sixth sense, those people.

Starting point is 01:18:50 Oh wow. By those people, I mean the blacks, not blind people. There he goes. Did you notice when she said, I'm sorry, you said, by the way, I'm so sorry, but you said your grandmother died or your father? Oh my grandmother. Everybody's dying. Mom, husband, grandma.

Starting point is 01:19:08 There was one guy in the back when you said they died. Some guy in the back just went, whoa! Like he cheered. He cheered for the husband dying. What was that, sir? Yeah, fuck that guy. It doesn't really matter, Harlan. He was trying to be funny, but he didn't have the courage to sign up for the show because he doesn't have a full minute. He thought that he had a moment there.

Starting point is 01:19:25 That caught me off guard. He's a stupid pussy. That's what I'm gonna say. Okay, then. I was looking for an answer. I got one. So, Liv, amazing that your name is Liv, even though everyone around you dies. Let's talk about it.

Starting point is 01:19:40 It is a joke of mine. How did your husband die? He flipped his truck. He what? He flipped his truck. He flipped his truck. Wow. It is a joke, man. How did your husband die? He flipped his truck. He what? He flipped his truck. He flipped his truck, wow. It's amazing the difference between

Starting point is 01:19:49 flipping a house and flipping a truck, right? One makes you money, the other ends your life. So he flipped- He didn't hit a deer, did he? No, just his head real hard. How did he flip his truck? What happened there? I was just trying to go off a ramp and was dumb.

Starting point is 01:20:05 Didn't do it right. Going off a ramp? Yeah, like a, just like an exit. Oh, okay. An exit ramp. It was like two in the morning, you know, all factors combined. Was he drunk?

Starting point is 01:20:14 Little bit. Okay, little bit. By a little bit over the legal limit? Probably. Probably, you never asked. I mean, we parted ways that same night, so I would say... You broke up with him that night? No, he literally parted ways.

Starting point is 01:20:31 Whoa. We were, sorry, we were together that night, literally went apart and then he... What were you guys doing together that night? We were at a strip club. Okay, so you and him were at a strip club, you and your husband. Yes. Did he leave first or no? We left together you left together. He was parked one way. I was parked to the other

Starting point is 01:20:48 We were driving separate cars driving separate cars. Were you behind him? No, you were in front of him No, you guys went to an argument that night. Oh Wow, this is there's very saucy very interesting Amazing for a guy that's been pounding on the sound effect board all night. We got nothing for flipping trucks and death and actual. We're the sirens, I'll take the sirens. Sometimes he gets a little daydreamy

Starting point is 01:21:12 when we need him the most. So, you guys are arguing. What was the argument about at the strip club? Was he like looking at a girl too much? I didn't wanna spend the money at the strip club, but I'm a good wife. And so we went to the strip club. So you were trying to save money. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:21:29 In this economy? Yeah. Okay. So let's just stick with the questions here, Liv. So you're trying to save money. You guys get into an argument because he wants to stay at the strip club. He wanted to go, and I didn't want to go, and I was like, fuck it, let's just go.

Starting point is 01:21:43 How did you not want to leave the strip club but also not want to spend money? Okay, when we were down, we were downtown, I'm from Georgia, we were downtown and he wanted to go to the strip club. I didn't want to go. We were moseying around until he, I just finally gave in. I was like, fine, let's fucking go. It's not even a strip club. It's a titty bar.

Starting point is 01:22:01 It's a sad excuse. That part doesn't matter to the story. So when you guys, but then when you guys, when you get to the titty bar, all of a sudden you kinda wanna stay there. Yeah. And he wanted to leave. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:13 Interesting. So, what was the last thing that you guys said to one another before he went and died? Uh, I'm gonna go to my truck and I said, I'm gonna go party with these friends you just made. You went to go party with his friends? I thought he was gonna follow with, but you know, I was wrong.

Starting point is 01:22:29 It's cool. Wow. Unbelievable. Do you live with a bit of guilt from that, you think? Uh, no, I did. You did? Yeah. But you're over it now.

Starting point is 01:22:39 How long ago did this happen? It'll be a year on the second of July. Wow, you got over it real quick, okay. Very cool. I like it. Do you have a boyfriend now? Nope. You're completely single. I'm just trying to do comedy I moved out here just for this you moved here from Georgia just for this. How long good you move here? I just moved two weeks ago two weeks ago. Awesome. Yeah, I think you're missing the biggest question right ahead I love it. You don't mind. No, I want to hear it. It happens. I think everyone's wondering. Let's do it.

Starting point is 01:23:09 Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom? It's covered. It looks like it's covered income. 100%. I like to have fun, you know, whatever. You like to have fun? Okay. I love it. I was just asking.

Starting point is 01:23:34 Back to you, guy. Thank you. What do you do for work, Liv? I'm a vet tech. You're a vet tech. I'm a licensed vet tech. Okay. And are you doing that here in Austin?

Starting point is 01:23:43 I have not found a job, but I will have to eventually, so yeah. I'll probably end up doing it. How much money did you save? Uh, well, my money is dead mom money, so... Ooh, dead mom money. 22,000. Not even close. My mom did not expect to die. Uh, probably like just under 10 grand. Oh, okay. So you have a little time.

Starting point is 01:24:03 How much is your rent? A good bit. Oh, okay. So you have a little time. How much is your rent? A good bit. A ballpark. I have like 1800. 1800, do you live by yourself? I do. Okay. So you have about six or seven months to get a job.

Starting point is 01:24:17 I'm a good stretch. I'm frugal. I know a gambler she'd do real well with. Yeah. What do you do for fun, Liv? What are some hobbies? I have dogs at home. I have two beagles, so I hang out with them.

Starting point is 01:24:32 Oh, cute. I'm really very homebody. Since I moved out here, I've just really been trying to explore and be by the pool and chill and relax and just try to honestly find a new life. Right. And you're having fun doing stand-up comedy at night?

Starting point is 01:24:48 You enjoy it. The only reason I do it is because my mom died. When did your mom die, exactly? So funny story. Oh, finally. My mom died. Oh, you'll love this. My mom died the day after I saw your stand-up

Starting point is 01:25:04 and met you with my husband on August 26th of last. It's all coming back to you. 2023. I'm not even joking. Like, I got a phone call the next morning that my mom died. Wow. OK. So you saw me in that big theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

Starting point is 01:25:21 Cobb Energy Center. Yes, the Cobb Energy Center. It is all coming back to me now. And how did your mom die? She flipped her truck. She got hit by a car. Really? What?

Starting point is 01:25:35 Wow. We should. Pfft. We should. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. I mean, I always wanted a Jeep, and that just ruined it, so.

Starting point is 01:25:42 So was she walking or in a car? Oh no, she was a pedestrian. She was a pedestrian. It wasn't a hit and run, was it? No, the guy stopped and yeah. He did it the right way, but you know. He what? He did it the right way, I mean.

Starting point is 01:25:56 He did it the right way, yeah. All the way through, I mean. Yeah. She didn't have to suffer. And you were very close with your mom? Yeah, close-ish. My mom was kind of crazy, but, yeah. Well, until she got hit. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:11 Yeah. I'd say. Okay. And have you always been a natural neon pink? I was just wondering if, like, diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. Like, just, like, diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. Like just like, nine kids start chewing your hair. It's pretty tasty. It actually smells really good. It does? What's it smell like?

Starting point is 01:26:35 Hydroporal oil. Can I smell it? Sure, if you'd like. I'd love to have a snort. Oh wow. It's chloroform. Oh wow. Smells like Cam's bedroom.

Starting point is 01:26:45 Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. All right, Liv, well, congratulations. Now you know what it feels like, at least. There are extremely bright lights, and everything out there is dark, and now you know for next time. So sign up again and write a actual minute.

Starting point is 01:27:02 Remember it. Ooh, good catch. I threw that one a little high and hard and she got it. Wow, some tough stuff there. I like it. I like it. You like the death stuff. I like a good heavy interview. That's what the show's all about. Sometimes it's hee-hee-haha.

Starting point is 01:27:18 Sometimes it's boo-boo-bah-bah. That's what I always say. Yeah. Too big on him. Yeah. It's getting I always say. Yeah. Good to be gotcha. Yeah. It's getting tired today. This is a special moment right now. Last week, we pulled out of the bucket a man who signed up

Starting point is 01:27:32 for, I think, every Monday for over a year. And he had a good minute, but his interview skills were unbelievable. I swear to God, I think I'm bringing up for the second time ever who might be one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. I'm excited to see his second ever minute on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the short awaited return of Alex Tarsun, everybody.

Starting point is 01:27:58 Here we go. Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a real man. I'm a real man. Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. Laughter

Starting point is 01:28:22 Laughter I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said, uh, he said, these beatings were preparing me for life. You know, for all the other 40-year-olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is, though, he actually didn't own a belt, so we'd have to go to the clothing store, and he'd hit me with one there.

Starting point is 01:28:46 You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Wow. The return of Alex Tarsun. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:29:07 I've been looking forward to this for a whole week. Thank you. Me too. These people have no fucking idea. The relationship that we built last week. Full disclosure, I'm black. He's black, just in case you didn't know. I'm black.

Starting point is 01:29:15 I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black.

Starting point is 01:29:23 I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. I'm black. The relationship that we built last week. Full disclosure, I'm black. He's black, just in case he says the N word at some point. He's black. Full disclosure, I'm also black. So, look out, here we go. Full disclosure, I'm white.

Starting point is 01:29:50 So Alex, I love this suit. Last week, your clothing was extremely questionable. This week you come in guns ablaze. Did you just get this? Yeah, Amazon came through. Wow. Amazon Prime? Yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 01:30:02 Look at that. How much was that? $75 for the suit. Wow. Look at that. How much was that? 75 for the suit. Yeah. You know, five holes. It's the new death in an elevator line. What does that mean? It's a Prince joke.

Starting point is 01:30:14 Oh. Okay. All right. Speaking of, uh... Oh, damn. How are you, buddy? I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses. Alex Tarshun. Thank God he walked out that horrible Prince joke idea.

Starting point is 01:30:37 Yeah, that was crazy. That was a 39-year-old reference, I do believe. But it was good. It was good. It was good. Death by an elevator. I learned something new every time I have Harland on this show. You know Prince died in an elevator, right? Uh-uh.

Starting point is 01:30:51 He had an elevator in his mansion, they found him dead in his elevator. Really? Yeah. No, that was Whitney Houston, dude. He's thinking of the guy from Friends. Prince died in his elevator. Just ask him, he knows.

Starting point is 01:31:06 It's okay. I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Where did you learn that at? I was just scrolling Instagram, it just popped up. Yep. That's where you get all the great history teachings. There's no doubt about it. Not many people know that at all.

Starting point is 01:31:26 In fact, nobody knows that because it definitely did not happen. But Harry Truman was killed by a volcano. This is history with Alex Tarshun. I'm very excited. So you got a brand new $75 suit off of Amazon and you're still rocking the do-rag. That's always gonna be part of you, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:31:44 Yeah, one do-rag, no socks, that's the game. Do-rag, don't socks. That's what they say. And Alex, you work at a pizza place. Yeah, I do delivery driving, and I also, because I actually played a trumpet while I drive, because you only need one hand for it. You play a trumpet while you drive? Yeah, I played a trumpet while I drive, and I only need one hand for it. You play a trumpet while you drive?

Starting point is 01:32:05 Yeah, I played a trumpet while I drive, and I used a little flap, like the Sun Visor, put like the music on it, so I can kind of read it. You have a trumpet, do you have a trumpet with you? Of course. With you right now? Yeah, I brought it. You brought it?

Starting point is 01:32:17 Yeah. Get this fucking trumpet. Here we go. You gotta be kidding me. This guy, by the way, set a record last week for the longest interview ever in the history of the show, because we found him so goddamn interesting, at no point during the 24-minute long interview

Starting point is 01:32:33 did he even mention playing the trumpet. That's how fucking interesting this guy is. Nothing makes a trumpet from a garbage bag, does it? I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player. Well, I guarantee you he's gonna win. He's a professional. But let's, uh, sure, let's do it. Let's have the first ever, um, Mexican, uh...

Starting point is 01:32:56 Mexican trumpet off. Trumpet. And here we go, your first ever trumpeteer on this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarsun. ["Tarsun's Trumpet March"] Perfect. Wow. Absolutely incredible. All right. Now the professional trumpet player is going to play some... Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:33:28 Oh, he got that one note that you missed. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:33:36 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:33:44 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, he got that one note that you missed. Oh, shit. There you go. Red band's jumping in with his trumpet sound effect. This is just a free-for-all at this point. Harlan's about to play a second crutch. -♪ Buh-duh-duh-duh-duh, buh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to, and he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right.

Starting point is 01:34:28 That trumpet's actually really expensive too. How do you know that? Well, I looked it up. Like I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was like giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand, which we know what that means. You know?

Starting point is 01:34:40 It means that he's about to go do what? Well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait. Go ahead. It's OK. Don't let anybody here throw you off with their scoffs and questions.

Starting point is 01:34:57 What do we all do sometimes, Alex? Sometimes you go on skip lag, and you just want to see how much it would cost if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true. What kind of dreams would you like to come true? Um... Uh... Uh...

Starting point is 01:35:12 Oh. What do you want to do in Thailand, Alex? Uh... Uh... How about we start with some speech therapy classes? How about that? Oh, I think we know what that means, right? What, uh, uh, uh?

Starting point is 01:35:27 Yeah, when it comes to Thailand... Oh, what? You know what's over there? No. You don't, you have no idea what they do in Thailand? No. Lady buh-buh-buh. Oh, lady boys?

Starting point is 01:35:38 Yeah. You want to be with a lady boy? You want to get that lady boy gold. Whoa. What's a ladyboy gold? It's just below platinum. Wow. An interview genius.

Starting point is 01:35:54 Eventually, this show might just end up being Alex Tarsun being out here for an hour and a half every week. You guys will see when you... Yeah. So, Alex, very interesting stuff. What else is going on in life? being out here for an hour and a half every week. You guys will see when you, yeah. So Alex, very interesting stuff. What else is going on in life? Well, I kinda texted my ex-girlfriend. I was like, I got out and killed Tony.

Starting point is 01:36:16 I thought it would be kinda weird if you just saw me randomly. You texted your ex-girlfriend and you got out. I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something. And remind everybody why that's a big deal, your ex-girlfriend. Oh, um, well, uh, you know, I used to have a heart.

Starting point is 01:36:34 You know, I used to be in love. And then what happened? And then, um, and then I got fired from my job. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And then what happened? Oh, and then, uh, and then it was just a series of just,

Starting point is 01:36:48 like since last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. Went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend. Just for a weekend. You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail? I got a gun pulled on me in Portland, and then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke

Starting point is 01:37:08 while he was pointing at me. I was like, all right, this is the time. He was pointing a gun at you? Yeah. Do the joke that you did while a guy was pointing a gun at you. Okay, well, what I said was... First of all, did you say like,

Starting point is 01:37:18 hey, don't shoot me, let me do a joke? Pretty much, yeah. What did you say exactly? Well, what I said was, hey, you wanna hear a joke. Pretty much, yeah. What did you say exactly? Well, what I said was, hey, you want to hear a joke? He pulled the gun on you, and that's the first thing that you said? Yep.

Starting point is 01:37:33 Wow. And then what did he say? He said, all right. And he's holding it like this, or sideways? He was sitting in the car, so he was just pointing up at me. Wow. Okay. So you say, want to hear a joke? He said yes, and then you go. I said, you know, in the car, so he was just pointing up at me. Wow, okay. So you say, want to hear a joke? He said yes, and then you go. I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw to Prophet Muhammad.

Starting point is 01:37:51 It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though. Oh, wait, he's fraternal, he's fraternal. You know? I would have shot him immediately. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:02 Did the guy laugh? Yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible. My God. And then what happened? Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around and I was like, you never believe this.

Starting point is 01:38:14 I just had a gun pulled on me. She's like, what'd you do? I said, I told him a joke. A Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh.

Starting point is 01:38:23 And she's like, I'm actually in the circuit. Like, I know what comedy not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually in the circuit. I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right. Oh yeah, someone in, yeah, a lady in Portland. Yeah. Has it all figured out. That sounds about right. Yeah, I know Portland well enough to know

Starting point is 01:38:37 that those are the types of people that think they have it all figured out. I'm in the circuit. Perfect. I finally got closure though. Uh-huh. Because I told her I got out and killed Tony and she was like good for you but you know he's a he's a bad man. Right yeah. And I was like oof. Yeah those Portland people. Yeah I was like he's stupid. I'm the bad man. Meanwhile she lives in a

Starting point is 01:38:58 neighborhood where people in cars are rolling up pulling guns on innocent people. Yeah well. But I'm the bad guy because I said something. Some words. I said words. So Alex Tarshun, what else is going on in life? Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough. Tell us what happened on Tuesday.

Starting point is 01:39:22 I got a phone call from my apartment and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right, well, you know, it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up where, you know, new strategy for a new apartment. Just gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:39:38 Tell them I have two dogs. And you're gonna sneak in eight dogs. A fun fact about Alex is he has eight pit bulls. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. How did they find out? What are the odds that the apartment building found out the night or the next day after you talked about it

Starting point is 01:39:55 in front of the world? Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals for like a couple hours, you know, like... Oh, they heard the eight pit bulls playing around, fighting. No, his room's next to Cam's. Yeah. That makes sense.

Starting point is 01:40:13 So what are you realistically gonna do for an apartment, Alex Tarsh, Jr., out there, delivering pizzas for a living? Well, first off, my chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting. Why? You can't plummet if you are never even up, all right? I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm gonna get somewhere off to hang out with my dogs. And then I was just like, like, there's something about,

Starting point is 01:40:40 like, saying nigger on stage. It's just not gonna work for me. You know? I think you can say it. I should. You should. You should be able to say it. Yeah. Are both your parents black?

Starting point is 01:40:53 Because you're like sort of like a little fair skinned. No, I'm like black and like moulinone. All right, then you can't say it. Well, those both mean black. Yeah. John Keyes gave him permission and said that's cool. Oh, yeah are both, those both mean black. Yeah, John, John Key said, gave him permission, said that's clear. Oh yeah?

Starting point is 01:41:07 Okay, go ahead. How do you know you're not gonna be able to get your teacher's certificate? Well, I think, I mean, like if you just Google me, like it just comes up that like I prank phone called the suicide hotline by accident. Really? Yeah, like if you Google me already,

Starting point is 01:41:20 like there's like, it's already like, it was already dicey, like to think that I'd get the job in the first place. Wow. How do you prank the suicide hot man? Yeah, what exactly did you do? Don't jump, don't jump. Well, like, basically, like, I had like shoulder surgery,

Starting point is 01:41:36 making excuses for myself, I was kind of on like, pills and stuff, like, had like a big old slink knee and everything, and I was just like, that would be funny, like, I was watching Crank Yankers, and I was like, oh, Crank Yankers, I should make prank phone calls, that'd be funny, that would be funny. I was watching Crank Yankers. And I was like, oh, Crank Yankers, I should make a prank phone call. That'd be funny, that'd be good content. And what I did was I just called up the,

Starting point is 01:41:50 so it's at Hotline, and just was just like, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. And then I put the two house phones together to make that robot squeal. And then my brother came in, he's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? Oh no, Peter, what happened? And he goes to the phone,

Starting point is 01:42:04 he's like, why did you do this to Peter? And then like an hour later, I'm like making eggs, like, that was pretty funny. Dude, I'm about to kill myself right now. Let's move this along. Yeah, it doesn't really pop up. How do you spell your last name again? It's T-A-R-C-H-O-U-N.

Starting point is 01:42:22 C-H-O-U-N. Yeah. Okay. That sounds sort of FrenchOUN. Yeah. That's some sort of French, dude. Is there some French in the headline? Yeah, we used to be a French colony. You used to be. My dad's country, yeah. What was your dad's country again?

Starting point is 01:42:33 Tunisia. Oh, wow. Tunisia. You know what Tunisia? There you go. Oh, wow. Holy shit. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:42:44 Yeah, that's definitely you. I have your hat on here. Wow. That is incredible. How do we find it? Is it a video? No, I had to delete the audio too. But it's like they wouldn't take down the article

Starting point is 01:42:57 because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there. Alex Tarshun, ChatGPT says, Alex Tarshun was involved in an incident where he made a prank call to a suicide prevention hotline which led to his arrest and charges of second-degree false incident report and disorderly conduct. Is that true?

Starting point is 01:43:14 Yeah, yeah. You got... This fucking guy's incredible. Thank you. This is the only show where people get an applause break for being arrested for pranking a suicide-hollering group. Bravo! True art! I had an arrest one time where I had a 60-year charge.

Starting point is 01:43:32 That was, like, a class-X felony in Illinois. Wow. What did you do there? So, basically, my friend was like, I'm gonna go mule... My friend was like, I'm gonna go mule, like, a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'm gonna go mule, my friend was like, I'm gonna go mule like a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I'm not doing anything,

Starting point is 01:43:47 I'll go hang out, I'll go for the ride. You just wanted to go along for the ride. Yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, and then the thing is, we had a driver who was kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Not in a bad way, but for this it was terrible. Because I was in the front seat, just, like, taking a nap,

Starting point is 01:44:06 and, like, the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does the cop waken me up? Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's, you know... But, like, right before bed, like, I was, like, braiding my hair. Like, right before I went to sleep, I was, like... In the car? Yeah, I was braiding my hair, just thinking, like, well, if I get arrested, like, I want to have a good mug shot.

Starting point is 01:44:24 And then, like, I actually did wake up to a cop on the window, and I was like, oh, shit. And was your hair completely braided at that point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Did you get the magical mugshot that you had hoped for? I really did, I really did. Let's go back to Alex's show.

Starting point is 01:44:37 So, uh, if you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons. It is? Yeah, episode two through four. So you have a cartoon too. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, he has a wildly successful cartoon. Tell Harlan the name of your cartoon.

Starting point is 01:44:54 What is it? So basically it's the black version of Ed Edd and Eddie. And what's it called? What is it? It's called Nigga Nigga. There you go. There you go. Just in case you were wondering. Self-described half black half...

Starting point is 01:45:13 Moulinan. That's right. Absolutely incredible. This guy... A friend of yours? You can ask him anything and you get an unbelievable answer. Every goddamn... All the stuff that we found out this interview,

Starting point is 01:45:29 we didn't talk about last week. It's been 17 minutes he's been up here. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Time flies with Alex Tarsun. So this cartoon, is it for kids? Uh, not really. Who's it for? It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff,

Starting point is 01:45:44 not too sensitive and shit, you know? You know if you say Beetlejuice. Who's it for? It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know? You know if you say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears. So what was the name of your show? All right, everybody at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just Nigg Niggin' Nigger. What was it?

Starting point is 01:46:04 Nigg Niggin' Nigger. Lot of bleeps this episode coming in. It's just nig-niggin' nigga. What was it? Nig-niggin' nigga. A lot of bleeps this episode coming in. Does anything happen if you say that three times? Uh, you know what? Uh, like, nah. There you go. Yeah, Red Band keeps trying to Google your cartoon. I need to delete my search history.

Starting point is 01:46:25 Yeah. No. He typed in the name of your cartoon, and, uh, Bill Bibb de Vaux popped up for some reason. Um, so, Alex, last week, at the last second of many minutes of interview, we found out that your shoes were falling apart. Show the audience. Yeah, you get a good peek at this.

Starting point is 01:46:51 We got the old alligator. Lift it up, lift it up and pull it down so that people can see. You see that? And this guy's out there delivering pizzas, hustling, getting kicked out of his apartment, taking care of eight dogs. So we have a gift for you.

Starting point is 01:47:05 The lovely Heidi is bringing it out. It is... Yeah! ...your size. It's a brand-new pair of, uh, of Nikes. Bust those things out and pop them on there, Alex. Just pull them out. Well, now we know what happens if he says it three times.

Starting point is 01:47:22 There you go, Alex. A pair of my favorite shoes. Yeah. Put them it three times. There you go, Alex. A pair of my favorite shoes. Yeah, put them on. Put them on, Alex. Put them on, you son of a bitch. Take off those dirty fucking shoes. You should start wearing socks, Alex.

Starting point is 01:47:37 I asked ChatGPT if I should wear socks, and he said yes. Yes. You could ask fucking anybody. They would have told you yes. You didn't have to go to chat GPT. You didn't have to use that kind of technology. Red band's really ramping up to say something here, everybody. Why do you wear that hat every week?

Starting point is 01:47:54 Yeah, William Montgomery wore it last week, and he said his whole head smelled like pizza for the rest of the night. There you go. Was it worth it? We already talked about the thing. It's good. How do the shoes feel? They feel great. I thought it was a good color. They match your durag, bro. That's like a good look.

Starting point is 01:48:10 My hair gets really frizzy because of the hot heat around here. Yeah. So I try to keep the moisture in. But how do you feel about the way it matches? You must feel like a million bucks right now. I feel like a Hot Wheels car. Feel like a Hot Wheels car?

Starting point is 01:48:23 You have the vibe of a Hot Wheels car. I feel like a Hot Wheels car. You have the vibe of a Hot Wheels car. It's very, very death in an elevator, if you will. That joke doesn't work. I already tried it. So we're going to throw those old shoes out. Can we throw them over to the telephone line? Yeah. You want to, yeah.

Starting point is 01:48:43 Yeah, you could do that if you want, Alex. Congratulations, you have new shoes. Another set and interview down the hatch. Thank you, Alex Tarsu. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. He bought a new suit just for this. $75 on Amazon Prime.

Starting point is 01:49:04 You bought him those shoes, Tony? Yeah. That was really nice of you, man. Yeah. Those are nice shoes. Hey. Would it be inappropriate? Because I'm just, how much they cost, can I ask?

Starting point is 01:49:15 Or is that inappropriate? How much does a rack of them cost? Yeah, I think they were like $120. Nice guy. They're my favorite shoes. So I got him a pair of my own favorite shoes. Give Tony a hand. Yeah, I think they were like $120. Nice, guys. They're my favorite shoes, so I got them a pair of my own favorite shoes. Give Tony a hand. That's nice right there. I bought them once in New York City from the Nike store.

Starting point is 01:49:35 That's nice. And I was surprised at how great they are. They're my favorite shoes. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket full. It's Nicholas Hartley, everybody. Here we go. ["Family Feud"] Hey. My grandpa is not a big sports fan.

Starting point is 01:50:00 In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, diehard whites fan. I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over.

Starting point is 01:50:24 Cause he just sitting there like, the ref is on their team. That isn't fucking fair, you know? Like you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know? Like I'm watching a nice family-friendly show and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say. Err.

Starting point is 01:50:47 You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer. I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but if he grew up on a farm in the 1940s, if he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you. Absolutely. Nicholas Hartley. Some family feud material.

Starting point is 01:51:09 We love the feud around here. Yeah? Yeah. I... Okay. You don't like the family feud? I hate that thing. Why? Because of him.

Starting point is 01:51:19 Yeah, fuck. No, I don't. I'm ambivalent. I love it. That's a big word, guy. I know. Relax. That's not a guy. Oh, sorry. Sorry, it. Nicholas, is this your first time on the show?

Starting point is 01:51:39 Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. How long you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half. What do you do for work? I work at a Mexican restaurant. Wow. What do you do at a Mexican restaurant? The bartender? A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies

Starting point is 01:51:55 and being like, Inglés? And they're like, no, that's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired. Wow. A white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant. It is going up there like, can I get you some chili killies? Would that be all right?

Starting point is 01:52:11 And they go, no. OK. How long have you been serving at this Mexican restaurant? Four months. Four months. What were you doing before that? Before that, I was playing professional rugby. Rugby, professionally?

Starting point is 01:52:22 Yeah. You were getting paid to play rugby. 19 bucks an hour. 19 bucks an hour. How many hours a week would you do that? Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10 hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit. So wow. That's a brutal game. What's your worst injury, my guy? I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game and I was walking off field and another fellow come around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week.

Starting point is 01:52:51 It was, it was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard. Oh. Okay. Yeah. I still did it. You're left-handed? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:52:59 Absolutely incredible. Great story and then he wrecks it at the end. Yeah. Tough business. Rugby is a tough business. You seem a little, like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player. Yeah, I'm fast. I'm really fast. Were you the cheerleader by any chance?

Starting point is 01:53:22 Yeah. I did in high school. That was kind of neat. You were a cheerleader in high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing because I picked up on those energies as well. Right, yeah. I could feel male cheerleader energies. Could you give us one of your best cheers?

Starting point is 01:53:35 Yeah. I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that. And then I did some flying. Could you give us one of your most perverted looks? I could do a toe touch. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, the first toe touch of the evening.

Starting point is 01:53:50 Wow! David Lee Roth in the house, huh, guy? Yes, sir. Go ahead and jump, huh, player? Yeah, yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, absolutely very impressive. Can you do that again, bro, in slow motion?

Starting point is 01:54:05 Yeah. Yeah. My dad's gonna hate everything about what just happened, I'll tell you that. Your dad doesn't like the fact that you were a male cheerleader? Well, he doesn't like gays. I'll say that. Well, he probably wasn't going to like the show anyway, because I am the host. Um, so let's talk about it. This is all very interesting. Was the stuff with your

Starting point is 01:54:28 grandpa real? Yeah. So he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow. Really? Yes. He thinks he thinks Steve is cheating somehow. Really? Yes. He thinks that the host is cheating. Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and that blows his mind every time.

Starting point is 01:54:54 Like, he'll sit there, and he'll be like, he'll be like, that's on the board. That's on the... That's bullshit. That's bullshit and a half. And then he'll be like, the black person will answer. He'll be like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding and he goes, this is bullshit. He gets even more mad.

Starting point is 01:55:12 Oh, I love it. Oh yeah. That is incredible. Do you ever video record him watching it? Not at all. You should. I would love to do that. Yeah, that's a great idea.

Starting point is 01:55:21 Turn this bit into a fucking reality show. People would love to watch a racist old guy fucking watch The Feud. I mean, I always say that like, kind of watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, you know, but I kind of love my grandpa. So when I go back and watch Family Feud,

Starting point is 01:55:38 it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting, you know? I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but goddamn does it hit the spot every single time. Every time. Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same shit at the white people?

Starting point is 01:55:51 Yeah. No, he refuses to watch basketball. He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe, but... And his son plays Australian rugby? Yeah. I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy, you know.

Starting point is 01:56:06 He wants me to be an engineer, but I got a little sad. Oh, no. You're doing just fine. Thank you, Tony. What's the most racist thing you've ever heard your grandpa say? I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N-word.

Starting point is 01:56:22 I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there. And I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along.

Starting point is 01:56:39 And this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him. I was like, what did you think of that guy, grandpa you like that guy because they were having fun and he goes that guy he's fine around those good white folks but we put him around his own kind the jungle just There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. Go ahead and jump. Just now pulled. Ba-dum-bum, ba-dum-bum. That's right, R.L. Yep.

Starting point is 01:57:09 Wow. That is incredible. I pulled my hamstring on that one. That one hurt a little bit. Oh, dude. Yes, sir. Absolutely perfect. What did you say, D Madness?

Starting point is 01:57:17 I said, I'm glad he did. Oh, shit. No, you can't be mad at him. He's not racist, D. He's talking about his grandpa, D. Yeah, it's just an old friend. You just slid into the room. I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm glad he did. Oh, shit. No, you can't be mad at him. He's not racist, D. He's talking about his grandpa, D.

Starting point is 01:57:27 Yeah, I just... You just like the fact that he would hurt himself because he has a racist grandpa? Not really. Okay, perfect. Well, we didn't really get much of anywhere with that talk. Nicholas Hartley, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours now that you're out of the rugby game

Starting point is 01:57:43 and you're working at a Mexican restaurant? When you're not doing stand-up, what else do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours now that you're out of the rugby game and you're working at a Mexican restaurant? When you're not doing stand-up, what else do you like to do? I mean, I play a lot of Sudukos. And... I play chess, and, uh... I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot. Okay.

Starting point is 01:58:00 Very interesting. Do you have a love life? Is there a particular lover out there? I do. I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that. Yep. I'm a big fan of her being a gal. Yep. Yeah, she's a good lady.

Starting point is 01:58:13 She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us. Why would it cause friction? Well, I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that. Wow, look at that. Just whites fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. D-Madness is happy right now. Yeah, he's smiling ear to ear over here. For sure.

Starting point is 01:58:33 What's your girlfriend do, Brocefioche? Well, she's getting her masters in college right now. And, uh, Brocefioche. What is she getting her masters in? She wants to be a dietician. Ooh, is she a bigger girl? No, but she does do CrossFit and she's probably stronger than me right now and that makes me upset.

Starting point is 01:58:53 Why, have you ever asked her why she wants to be a dietitian? Why she wants to work with big girls? She says she wants to help people and there's so many other ways you could do that, you know? But she just likes food and she likes to help people. She might be fat, I don't know, fuck. But no, she's a nice lady, and I care. How long have you been with her? Year, yeah.

Starting point is 01:59:20 All right. Trying to figure this out, Nicholas Hartley. I find, I feel like I'm a question away from figuring out something. What scares you? Oh, shoot. Black people. It's unbelievable. We do all that work. Man, what scares me?

Starting point is 01:59:44 Shit. I, you know, I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places, you know? That's just a real fear, but I am also afraid of, like, heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest. You're afraid of heights? Yeah, I'm afraid of heights.

Starting point is 02:00:04 When's the last time you were somewhere high? Oh, we went to Colorado. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest. You're afraid of heights. Yeah, I'm afraid of heights. When's the last time you were somewhere high? Oh, we went to Colorado one time. And you were scared the whole time. Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge, you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall. I don't like that at all. All right, Nicholas.

Starting point is 02:00:21 Not the best answer, I know. Have you ever been arrested? Never been arrested, but I should have been several times. What do you think you should have been arrested for? Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we'd put like a little $20 bill in them

Starting point is 02:00:41 and stuff like that. Wow. Set them out like fishing lures, you know. Damn, interesting. I think I know about a guy on an exit ramp that saw one of those and tried to stop real quick. For sure. Flipped his truck.

Starting point is 02:00:57 All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Nicholas? Any other fun facts about your life? Grandpa was racist. What about Grandma? Did you ever hang out with Grandma? So here's the thing with Grandma. Grandma pretends to not be racist. Oh, let's go. So...

Starting point is 02:01:13 Let's fucking go. We'll be watching Family Feud and Grandpa's going off, and she's like, now, Dale. Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me, because one of her older grandchildren go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know't be saying that around the grandkids, you know, and then she leaned over to me because I'm one of her older grandchildren, and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know.

Starting point is 02:01:28 Oh, my God. And I'm like, Grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know? Yeah, she puts on a front like she's not racist, but then she whispers to her little favorites. Yeah, and that's the crazy thing is too, I think they think I'm racist too, because I'm not going to tell an 80-year-old man,

Starting point is 02:01:45 you're wrong for that, you know? Right. So I just go, yeah. Actually, that's true, because I was hanging around my grandpa's friends one time, and he just coyly said, he's like, this is my grandson Nick, he's like us, you know? I was like, I like bluegrass, I do like bluegrass, Grandpa.

Starting point is 02:02:03 Wow. Big fan of bluegrass. He's, dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed. It's perfect. That means you're doing something right. Thank you. You ever sit around with the family

Starting point is 02:02:16 and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on? Yeah, no, we never, we never done it with the hoods on. You will, you will. Yes, sir. Well, Nicholas, congratulations. You got on the show, you did it. Thank you, thank you. Hot a little low toss there.

Starting point is 02:02:37 Let's have some more fun. Your next bucket pull is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. So it's probably going to take her a while to get up here. Make some noise. It is one of you representing this audience. Make some noise for Cassandra Hartford, everybody. Cassandra Hartford. There she is, right in the middle.

Starting point is 02:02:59 Normally, a fun fact, the audience sign-ups normally don't do as well as the comedians. That's why a lot of people are leaving right now. These people have to go open up their food truck. They have a food truck that they run together. By the way, shout out to R&B's Steakhouse making cheese steaks for us tonight. Here is Cassandra Hartford, everybody. Make some noise for Cassandra.

Starting point is 02:03:28 My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. Eh.

Starting point is 02:03:53 None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. Yeah. Uh, if you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced. I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Okay.

Starting point is 02:04:19 Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that? Hooters? What are we gonna do with all those girls? That's my time. Thank you. Cassandra Hartford actually doing pretty good for an audience, bucket full. Incredible.

Starting point is 02:04:41 You said retard 11 times during your set, but you know what they say, if you are one, you're allowed to say the word, so congratulations. Welcome, welcome. This is the first time we've had our own Hawk-Tua girl on the show. This is very exciting. Hawk-3-a over here, we'll call you.

Starting point is 02:05:01 Like a new model of Hawk-Tua. What brings you to Austin, Texas? Do you live here? I do not live here, I live in Florida. What part of Florida? Melbourne, just outside of Orlando. Uh-huh, okay. And you're just visiting Austin? Just visiting Austin.

Starting point is 02:05:16 I came in for a concert. What concert? Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount. Wow. Yeah. I've never heard of them. What kind of music is that? Little folky, little blues. Okay. I've never heard of them. What kind of music is that? Little folky, little blues. Okay.

Starting point is 02:05:27 You know about them? You know about nothing musically. How do you know about them? I can't remember, actually, but no, they're great. Is it girls? Nope, two dudes, Andy and Kyle. Wow, you're looking at dudes playing music. What's going on over here?

Starting point is 02:05:42 Look at my little cultured co-host over here. I never knew you had it in you. They're chill. They're, like, really cool. playing music? What's going on over here? Look at my little cultured co-host over here. I never knew you had it in you. They're chill. They're like really cool. Penny and Sparrow. Is it like country music? Not country. It's considered folk. Their biggest song is called Slaves. There's kind of a theme tonight. I don't know if anybody's catching on to it. Trying to get away from the racism thing

Starting point is 02:06:10 in my reputation right now. And episodes like this don't help at all. I'm here for a concert. Penny and Sparrow. You might know them from their hit Slaves. Couple of white guys singing about slaves. All right. And what's your story? You're married?

Starting point is 02:06:30 You have a big, big diamond on that finger? Whoa. How long you been married for? I'm engaged. I've been engaged for about three years. Let me just tell you. Let me just tell you. There's a theme tonight. I don't know if you've been watching this show. What are you gonna tell him? But you better get married because he could die

Starting point is 02:06:49 at any point. Why do you think you've been engaged for three years and he hasn't pulled the trigger yet? He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding. It's up to you now. Why are you hesitating on planning a wedding? I just, I don't have the intrinsic desire

Starting point is 02:07:04 to like pick the fucking flowers and like that whole like dress thing. Like I can't be bothered. It's like, it's me, it's not him, it's me. I'm the problem. He's in for a ride. Yeah. Jeez Louise.

Starting point is 02:07:17 Isn't it every girl's dream to do this? And you're like, you just sound like you don't seem enthused. I don't like being judged by evil Knievel, first of all. Okay. Whoa, look at thathused. I don't like being judged by Evel Knievel, first of all. Ah! Whoa, look at that. I'll take that. Damn.

Starting point is 02:07:30 I'll take that. I love Evel Knievel. Oh my goodness. Just call me Eve. Summer's Eve, am I right? Douche your mouth. I love it. So what do you do for work, Cassandra Hartford? Yeah, it's Hartford. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Starting point is 02:07:45 Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Starting point is 02:07:53 Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Starting point is 02:08:01 Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh. There's 18. There it is. Your special trick. Yeah. I own a commercial real estate brokerage. Wow. Look at that.

Starting point is 02:08:12 What does your husband-husband-to-be do? Manages money. He manages money. Is he good at it? I think he's pretty good. You have a nice home as a commercial real estate broker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're okay.

Starting point is 02:08:24 Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come real? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are good? Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. Hell yeah. I just get like a regular life. You don't have eight pit bulls? What kind of a car do you have? Fucking Tesla.

Starting point is 02:08:36 A Tesla. You don't like your Tesla? I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the... Tesla's are great. I fucking love Teslas, but... Everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah. Why you feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something?

Starting point is 02:08:53 Yeah. Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right? Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasy. No, I just look like, I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware. It's so funny, Tesla was always a liberal car. It used to be. It used to be. The funniest thing that's happened.

Starting point is 02:09:08 Save the planet. Yeah. Everything against oil and gas. Same with all the people that they... All the good people. Yeah. They're considered magna now. Isn't that interesting? On Amazon for $15, they have these things where you could take off the Tesla logos

Starting point is 02:09:21 and put a Honda Prius on it, and people think it's a Honda Prius. Cool. Thanks. So if you want a Honda Prius. Or even in your case, you could put retard on it. Yeah. Yep.

Starting point is 02:09:37 And then everyone will know it's you. It's the retard girl, Cassandra Hartford. What do you do for fun, Cassandra? This? You do stand-up. How long have you been on stand-up for? Like five hours. Like in total, you know, like stage time. Right. So did you perform five hours ago? No, no, no, like collectively five hours.

Starting point is 02:10:01 So you wrote that, you wrote your six retard jokes, and decided to do this today? No, so on stage, on and off. Stage times five hours. He gets it, he's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Yeah. Red band understood. What? I said he understood.

Starting point is 02:10:18 No, he doesn't fucking now. I want to hear it from you, not from fucking Red Band. On and off for about a year, total time on stage, five hours. So, you first went on stage about a year and a half ago? Correct. Okay. Why would you say five hours then? It's just confusing to me when people are like, eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking

Starting point is 02:10:39 time on stage? Because that... Your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way. Okay. Uh-uh, we don't say dumber, we say... Yeah, I'm trying to... There you go, yeah. This is... This is a fucking... This is a bleep fest, is what's happening right now. People hate the bleeps.

Starting point is 02:10:57 It's like an eight-minute show tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So in a year and a half, you think you've been on stage five hours is what you're saying. I live in a smaller market so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at. Okay.

Starting point is 02:11:15 Yeah. Do you have fun when you perform stand-up comedy? Yeah. Do you make friends that are comedians? I try to. Do you have more friends in the real estate business or the comedy business? Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.

Starting point is 02:11:28 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Are you good at selling commercial real estate? Yeah. You are? Yeah. Yeah. So good I opened a company and I started doing it.

Starting point is 02:11:38 You have your own company. Yeah. Right. So good at it that you started your own company. Is it started with an R? I just had to. It's like a... It's like a, it, it fucking does, it literally does.

Starting point is 02:11:50 Okay. We're down to seven. Where did you meet your husband to be at? We met at a comedy show. At a comedy show, were you performing? I was not, I had no interest at the time. What was the comedy show? Just a mic in Melbourne, Florida.

Starting point is 02:12:06 You guys were just at a random open mic together. Yeah. And you guys were sat next to each other? In the same room. And he's hot. So it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn. He doesn't do stand up, though. He does not now.

Starting point is 02:12:18 OK. No, no, no. You're the funny one in this relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:12:28 Yeah. What are you doing, Red Band? Red Band? You're doing physical television. You guys didn't realize the whole time she's had her hand in her front pocket playing with her tit. Why the fuck is the mic?

Starting point is 02:12:38 Just playing with her tit the whole time. She's just going like this all the time. You got Colton Christie over here. Very excited about the front pocket acknowledgment on a podcast. Cassandra, most interesting thing about your life before I let you go. Oh, god.

Starting point is 02:12:53 I was a teen mom. You were? Twice. Wow. So how old are your kids now? 17 and 1 half and 16 and 1 half. 17 and what? So they're almost 18, almost 17.

Starting point is 02:13:06 So they're almost adults. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. Yeah. And who was that guy? You still talk to him? When I have to.

Starting point is 02:13:14 Right. Is he a good guy? Does he have a steady job? I hope so. You don't know? I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know. He's a, yeah, he's a, we were teenagers, so, you know.

Starting point is 02:13:28 What's your guess? And you let him nut inside of you all the time? Did you not know how the birds and the bees worked? I guess not. You didn't? You know, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions. But he was finishing inside of you.

Starting point is 02:13:41 I'm aware. You didn't notice that? There's this weird thing that like, some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished. Ah, the old Florida fuck-tuary. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:13:55 That's what happens. The old Manatee meatloaf. That's right. The old pepperoni pit set, the old double stuffed crust, the old elephant ear. Can I ask, this is kind of an intimate question. Do you mind if daddy digs a little deep? Absolutely.

Starting point is 02:14:14 You were getting deep, daddy wants to get deep. Dig daddy dig. So you're doing the teenager thing, and sometimes when you're a teen, you don't have a place you can do the deed. So, not to get too... But did you do it in a car or something? Like, did you have fun in a car?

Starting point is 02:14:32 Good question. I respect that question. No, he was always at his parents' house. Like in the basement or something? Just in a bedroom. In, like, a race car bed? Yeah. Were there posters on the wall? Do you remember if there were posters on the wall?

Starting point is 02:14:47 It was dark. It was always dark? It was dark. Okay, were the parents in the house when you were doing it? Probably, probably in the garage ripping cigarettes. That's why he did it so fast, the parents were there. Yeah. Yeah, you got it when the parents were there.

Starting point is 02:15:03 Did you ever do it at your house or was it always at his house? Always his. Why not your house? It was rough. Tell us more. Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house

Starting point is 02:15:12 that was closed down at some point. Wow. I didn't realize that the character Jenny from Forrest Gump was based on you. That really is a rough upbringing, being raised in a carport. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 02:15:27 We never got to have sex at her place. -♪ Cassandra lived in a carport. So I had the nut inside of her in my race car bed. That kind of sounded like Joe White. Ah! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm nutted inside of her, Tony.

Starting point is 02:15:54 Where's Joe White at? Get him up here. Where is he at? Some of you might not know, but we have a house photographer that's 175 years old, and he has one of the funniest voices you've ever heard. Oh, oh, oh, we couldn't have said, oh. Where is he?

Starting point is 02:16:12 He's coming up the stairs. Oh, this is gonna take forever. Wow. My goodness. And how about this new man? Where is he? Where's this supposed hot fiance of yours? Where is he at? Glasses. Which guy?

Starting point is 02:16:26 Oh, look at that guy. Wow. Look at fucking Clark Kent over here. Holy shit. And how about him? Do you let him finish inside of you like you did, like you did the old boy back in the day? Does this guy do the old fucking dump and pump? Does this guy come and keep going at the same time?

Starting point is 02:16:47 Does this guy do the old fucking... It's called the manatee meatloaf, I already told you. Yeah. The old creme de la creme. The old frosted flake. Wow. The old... All right, where the fuck's Joe White?

Starting point is 02:17:05 Okay, Joe White. Here's Joe White, everybody. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. There he is. Our photographer since... Wait, don't take her mic, Joe. Joe, Joe, give her her mic back.

Starting point is 02:17:15 We got a special mic for you. You crazy old baddie bastard. Let's do a version of the Forrest Gump music, but not exactly so that it's not as loud as the other guys. So, Joe, you're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic.

Starting point is 02:17:23 You're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic. You're going to be the mic.'s do a version of the Forrest Gump music, but not exactly so that it sets off the YouTube sensors. And then, Joe, I want you to say, I want you to say, I want you to say we couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport. Ready? One, two, one, two, three, four.

Starting point is 02:17:47 We couldn't have sex at her place because she lived in a carport. Perfect. Perfect. If podcasts gave out Emmy awards, I swear to God we would win one. I swear to God. All right. Cassandra.

Starting point is 02:18:06 Perfect. How about a hand for Joe Whiteley? We love you, Joe. Biggest pimp in the world, guys. Not a lot of people know this, but he's the one that took the picture at the Last Supper. He's a photographer for Paul Revere back in the day.

Starting point is 02:18:26 So many great things. That was him. Here is a big joke book, Cassandra. We're gonna give it to you even though your set was just okay. I like your energy and your attitude. Cassandra Hart. Oh, that's what happens when you keep your hand in your pocket. They're not ready.

Starting point is 02:18:48 Cassandra Hartford. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here. We're in overtime now. Make some noise for Jovan Afzali, or Johan perhaps, or Jovan. All right, let me know if this makes you laugh. Okay, so I, um... Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right?

Starting point is 02:19:12 And I get to the doctors, and I show them my insurance card, and they're like, oh, with your insurance, we can only check your sight and your weight. So they took me in the back, and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was. I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat. Okay, I'm like, you're definitely gonna need glasses. Okay.

Starting point is 02:19:29 Um... Okay. So, uh, so there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper, so instead, I just sat down next to one, and I read, Eating Pussy for Dummies, and vigorously highlighted. I swear to God, man, if one more person says

Starting point is 02:19:55 I look exactly like George Floyd, I'm gonna lose my shit. Um, you know me, I'm just a classic incel. One time I had sex with a blow-up doll on an air mattress. I've never been more out of breath. Holy shit. Wow. Jovan Afzali, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 02:20:19 Incredible set. Wow. Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pull all night tonight. All in one 60-second set. Wow. Perhaps more jokes than we've heard from every bucket pull all night tonight, all in one 60-second set. Harland Williams. Every joke hit. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:20:32 Like, every single joke, you got a big laugh, so way to go, bud. Thank you. Thank you. Incredible. And you've been on this show before, right? Yes, yes. But it did not go that well last time, right? No, I think, um, yeah, I think... You're showing're showing growth it happens it's a natural thing. How long you been

Starting point is 02:20:48 on stand-up? Four years. Four years all of it here in Austin? No two years in Austin two years in Albany that's where I'm from New York. Another upstate New York absolutely incredible. Wow congratulations on getting out of there. What do you do for work? I'm a cook at like a sushi restaurant nearby. Oh, hell yeah. Well, that doesn't make sense. Yeah. You don't cook sushi, dude.

Starting point is 02:21:12 Yeah. I guess I see your point. I think he's fucking lying is what he's doing. Hell yeah. Well, it wasn't my first choice. Like I wanted to be a hibachi cook. it's like, it's the only job where you get to throw shrimp into black guys' mouths and nobody bats an eye. But uh...

Starting point is 02:21:31 Wow. But they wouldn't hire me. Here we go. Here we go. So I went sushi. We almost made, we almost had a big good ending, but we gotta chop down another minute now. Incredible. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:21:44 So what are you cooking? You're basically deep frying wontons at a mame? No, I'm a prep cook and the sauce guy just got fired today so I got moved up to sauces, yeah. Wow. Yes. Sauce guy, do you know why the sauce guy got fired? It's a big mystery but I can only guess, you know, yeah.

Starting point is 02:22:03 Probably putting- What would you guess? Probably putting bad stuff in the sauce. There you go. No doubt about it. That's exactly what I was thinking. Have you ever seen a sauce squash? That's fucking corny. That's fucking corny. What the fuck?

Starting point is 02:22:21 Hey, I'm Evel Knievel. I do what I want. Yeah. Hey, I'm Evil Knievel, I do what I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm. I said, have you ever seen a sauce squash? What's the best sauce that you're looking forward to making? Oh, there's this really good one. It's like edamame with jalapenos in it.

Starting point is 02:22:41 It's like, we call it EDJ, and it's like, I don't know, it's delicious. Why do you call it EDJ? Ed's like, I know it's delicious. I just wanted to call it EDJ At a mommy jalapeno dipshit Well, I see what you would say that which is cool and all dip shit But that would make it EJ or else you would just go the first two letters of both fucking words Yeah, EDJ ASOS. Okay, yeah. All right, I see your point.

Starting point is 02:23:07 Yeah, I see your point. I'm sorry for overreacting. Yeah, you're goddamn fucking right you are. Little fucking, you little bull dyke bitch. Don't worry about it, DS. Fucking, I give these people a fucking shot. They wanna get a goddamn fucking attitude. Getting a fucking little joke book now. Oh, come on.

Starting point is 02:23:25 You had a big one. You had a little one last time you were on, right? I'm a young man doing my best. Give me a big one. How old are you? Uh, 23. All right. Yeah, come on. 23. How long have...

Starting point is 02:23:36 What's the longest set you've ever done? Uh, I did, um, 20 minutes on my local funny bone once upon a time, yeah. Wow, 20 minutes. And he kind of looks like a bitch. Red Band, what are you gonna say? I love that. Have you do a little set at the Secret Show,

Starting point is 02:23:50 I'd say. Oh, really? Oh, thank you. That'd be lovely. Is it Jovan? Am I saying that right? Jovan? Jovan. Jovan, congratulations. Indeed, you are getting a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Jovan Absalmi. Very good set, Jovan. Congratulations, indeed you are getting a big joke book. Congratulations, there he goes.

Starting point is 02:24:06 Jovan Afzali, very good set Jovan. Sign up again. Jovan Afzali. All right, that was fun. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the record holding Hall of Famer. Ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler,

Starting point is 02:24:26 the Vanilla Gorilla, the Diablo Aladerri Queen. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 02:24:43 Oh! Wow. My favorite Kentucky Derby horse this year was Flying Mohawk. I love that name, and I think my least favorite name at the Derby this year was John Benet Ramsey's Killer. I asked Red Band if he had a horse, what would he name it, and he said, there goes the naaay-ber-hood. That's pathetic, Red Band, you fucking idiot. A morbidly obese murderer on death row

Starting point is 02:25:16 is arguing that his obesity will cause him to suffer when he's executed, and that's bad because... and that's bad because...... Rosie O'Donnell says she has a crush on Lyle Menendez, who, along with his brother, has been in prison for the last 35 years for killing his parents. I know this goes without saying, but Lyle, stay away from that crazy bitch.

Starting point is 02:25:38 She'll ruin your reputation, Lyle. Okay, Tony, that's my time. Thank you. Very good. 57 seconds from the master. So I was three seconds off, Tony. Really? It was close. God. 57 seconds. Fuck.

Starting point is 02:25:57 How does that make you feel knowing that? It sucks, man. I was thinking that was for sure a minute. I was picturing more laughter for some of the jokes, but I was thinking it was going to be right at a minute, but I was three that was for sure a minute. I was picturing more laughter for some of the jokes, but I was thinking it was gonna be right at a minute. But I was three seconds short. You did really good. Speaking of short... What are these camo shorts you're rocking tonight, William? We've never seen this before.

Starting point is 02:26:16 Tony, I was on Facebook. I scrolled through. I had to follow these different Facebook pages, and I was scrolling through it, and I saw these shorts, and I'm like, I gotta get these shorts. And I got the shorts and I'm like, I gotta get these shorts. And I got the shorts. I got a, I'm doing the shorts.

Starting point is 02:26:30 I'm still doing the row machine. I'm at 50,000 meters this month. Tony, I'm at 750,000 meters since January 1st. Whoa. I'm planning on hitting a million in June. I'm sponsoring, Tony, you're gonna be proud of me. I'm sponsoring St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. Whoa, for what?

Starting point is 02:26:50 Each dollar I raise, I have all these different donors and each meter I go, they're giving me a dollar. You have different donors? I have a couple different donors who are willing to do this. Big people who are down with helping children, sick kids. Why are you laughing at that, you fucking weirdo? You're about to be hooked up one of the same machines,

Starting point is 02:27:08 dumbass, when you're dying in the fucking hospital. And I wish I was wrong. I'm trying to get you on the fucking row machine, dude. Your shorts look like they were in Cam Patterson's bedroom. Whoa, Red Band recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago. Nailing it. Absolutely crushing. How do you do that? How do you remember that? Red Band recycling jokes from 45 minutes ago, nailing it. Absolutely crushing.

Starting point is 02:27:26 How do you do that? How do you remember that? Harlan says them to somebody else and then he does them. It's incredible. He's like, he's got, he's a master of the craft. It was really funny when the girl was talking about all the death in her life with the car crashes. He was doing good at that.

Starting point is 02:27:40 Red Band, you were pretty funny at that. Yes, he was doing good. Thank you, William. I love that there's leaves all over your shorts. If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. What made you fall in love with those camo shorts?

Starting point is 02:27:57 Are you hunting on your knees? Oh, no, I'm just, I don't know, Tony. Alterboy season, let's go. That's David Lucas merch. You doing a little, you doing a little duck hunt? No, I went duck hunting once, Tony. It was the saddest thing ever. Tell us about it.

Starting point is 02:28:15 We need to know. Oh, my God, I was with my buddy Ben Jordan, and I remember we were hitting whippets on the way to his property in Tennessee, and Jordan was hitting him while we were driving, which was scary, and then we ended up shooting shotguns, shooting skeet, and I think that's why I have tinnitus right now,

Starting point is 02:28:29 because we didn't have earplugs or anything. We ended up, he shot a couple of ducks, and I just remember thinking it'd be like two buddies up there flying, and then one of them just disappears. Yeah. So I can't, I'm never gonna participate again. I'll eat them, but I don't wanna participate. How often do you eat duck?

Starting point is 02:28:49 Oh my gosh, Tony, probably once a week if fucking. Wow, what are some of your favorite duck dishes? Mee king, mee kong duck. Peking duck. Okay, Peking duck. Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here. Ho Chi Minh duck. Okay, Peking duck. Sounds like you're going off on a little thing here. Ho Chi Minh duck. Ooh, Ho Chi Minh duck, yeah, keep going.

Starting point is 02:29:12 Vietnamese duck. Ooh. Donald. Quack, quack, quack. Donald. Okay. You ever have? Korea City duck. Wait, Korea City, Duck?

Starting point is 02:29:25 Wait, Korea City's not a place. And that was sad, I'm sorry. I love the lighting guy tried to jump in on that one. Yeah, he's trying to help me. Thank you, dumbass. You kind of made it worse. You kind of made it worse. Wow, how about goose?

Starting point is 02:29:42 Have you ever eaten goose? Shit, Tony, I ain't ever eaten goose! No, seriously, no, I don't like goose. You don't like goose. Have you tried it? Um, yes. What kind of goose did you have? Oh my gosh, it was a yellow goose. Yeah, yeah, it was chocolate.

Starting point is 02:29:58 Oh, chocolate goose. Yeah, it was a chocolate yellow goose. Did you ever have blue heron? Blue heron, yes, I love it. Wow, yeah. What about flamingo? Flamingo, never. No, is it a restaurant? The other gay meat. The other...

Starting point is 02:30:11 I mean, come on, flamingos. They're pink. What do they even sound like? Quack, quack. Yeah. Wow, Red Band's been waiting a long time for a gay flamingo. Wow, absolutely incredible. Weirdly enough, that's what his mom was doing oh my dick last night. Oh shit.

Starting point is 02:30:40 Bacon and Fluckett. Oh shit. Wow. Whoa. It was like a gagging, kind of that weird bird kind of shit. So weird. Yes. Oh, she did do that,

Starting point is 02:30:56 didn't she? I'm sorry Red Band, I've been trying to be nicer, but when you kind of went after the sick kids, I was kind of fucked up. Seriously. You're very excited about this partnership with St. Jude. What are some of the ailments that these kids have? Yeah, we talking lymphoma, we are talking brain cancers, we're talking bone cancers, we're talking

Starting point is 02:31:18 different kinds of blood cancer. What's the real popular blood cancer? Lymphoma. No, but there's another one. Oh. What else is it? Leymphoma. No, but there's another one. Oh. What else is it? Leukemia. Leukemia, yes.

Starting point is 02:31:28 A lot of leukemia. How about, are there any more cancers that you could rattle off? Shit, maybe a little skin cancer! No! No, I have skin cancer right now, so I shouldn't say that. No way.

Starting point is 02:31:42 What kind of skin cancer do you have? Fuck, oh my left arm skin cancer right now, so I shouldn't say that. No way. What kind of skin cancer do you have? Fuck, oh my left arm skin cancer. We're trying to get the party started here. We're trying to get a little momentum. I know. You messed up with the duck thing. I was trying to think of different Asian cities, Tony, but it didn't work.

Starting point is 02:32:03 What do you got, like, melanoma on your arm, my guy? Well, I don't know yet. It's just an itchy pimple. That's how the other one started. Really? Yeah. Did you get a biopsied? Not yet. I'm scheduled to go in June. Really? Can I come? If you want. I'd love to see some.

Starting point is 02:32:17 You'd be nice to me in there. I need some support in there. I'd get scared in there. I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy. Okay. Oh, what a treat. Well, thank you. Seriously, thank you. You're very welcome, because I'm not gonna be there. Okay, thank you.

Starting point is 02:32:45 I'll go with you, my guy. Yeah. Yeah, incredible. We'll do whatever we have to do. If that itchy pimple turns out to be skin cancer, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes. Okay, okay. My favorite pair of Nikes. Well, thank you.

Starting point is 02:33:02 Absolutely. Now, let me ask you this. Let's say you do end up getting diagnosed with skin cancer and they say look we could treat you but the only place we could treat you is St. Jude's Children's Hospital and unfortunately all the beds are filled right now and it turns out that your plan of rowing for the children backfired because you raised so much money for the kids rowing that there's no longer a bed available for you.

Starting point is 02:33:33 What would you say to the kids out there that have cancer at St. Jude's? I have made you motherfuckers $3 million since January. I get it, you have leukemia or something, but you're gonna have to get out of the fucking bed. My uncle lives in Memphis. I have a dear uncle who lives in Memphis. You can live in his pool house.

Starting point is 02:33:56 Live in the pool house, because I get this bed. I'm gonna be the first adult ever to be, be, I get it, receiving the services at St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, I will be the first adult. So you have to leave, little man, and go to my fuckin' uncle's pool house. And what if he says, please, sir, please,

Starting point is 02:34:16 please stop saying that I really need this bed? Tape him down! Ah! What if he says, please stop? I'm gonna fucking get my knife out of my pocket and run it along his foot and say, I don't think you want this thing in your fucking foot, dude. Get out of your bed, get into the wheelchair,

Starting point is 02:34:37 get into my aunt's car, and go to my uncle's pool house, because that's where you're gonna die, dumbass. Absolutely perfect way to end tonight's episode. This has been, believe it or not, the number one live comedy show in the world, Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the silver goat, Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, thank you. God bless you.

Starting point is 02:35:03 Check out, of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out The Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. God bless you. Check out, of course, you probably already are, but make sure you check out the Harland Highway, the funniest podcast out there without a doubt. Guest of the year, Harland Williams, reigning defending. Shout out to Jay Styles and Sean Greenberg for joining the band tonight. One more time for D Madness,

Starting point is 02:35:21 Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebell is in. It is of Harlan Williams, and it is incredible. Check that out. That art looks a lot like evil Knievel to me. That is. That's evil Knievel. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Ooh, a little KC Rocket.

Starting point is 02:35:41 It's been a while since we've seen the sweet crab man. KC Rocket out there touring all around the world. Business is booming. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com every Thursday. Secret show. Love you guys. Absolutely. We will see you guys soon. Madison Square Garden. Still a few tickets remaining.

Starting point is 02:36:03 And I'm doing stand-up the night before. Me and some of your favorite characters on the show doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden. I don't know if you guys know this, but last time I was there I got into a little bit of chub chubs. So it'll be fun to be back at my favorite arena in the world, the most famous arena in the world. Tickets are on sale now, tonyhinchclip.com.

Starting point is 02:36:26 And yeah, that's about it. Live audience, thank you guys. We love you. We'll see you guys soon. Thank you, good night everybody. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Starting point is 02:36:46 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Starting point is 02:37:02 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Christopher Nolan, Bong Joon Ho, Sean Baker, they have all won the Academy Award for Best Director. What else do they have in common?

Starting point is 02:38:01 They all got their start at the Slamdance Film Festival, just like us. Hi, I'm Jana Gallagher. And I'm Michael Gallagher. And we're launching the Slamdance First Film Podcast. It's a weekly interview series where we sit down with your favorite filmmakers to get a mini masterclass in the secrets to making your first feature film. On the Slamdance First Film Podcast, you will listen to guests like filmmaker Sean Baker, the writer and director of Enora, teach you how to make a movie for $3,000 with a two-person crew. Or listen to the Russo Brothers, directors of Avengers Endgame,

Starting point is 02:38:31 teach you about how melding minds with your collaborators can create exponential success. Subscribe to the Slamdance First Film Podcast for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now. you

KILL TONY - KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

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