KILL TONY - KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

Carrot Top, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 05/12/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Take your personal data back with Incogni! Use code KILLTONY and get 60% off an annual plan at http://incogni.com/KILLTONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello! Do you see me? England? London? It's me, the Young King, here with the Prime Rib Minister, Brian Redban, inviting you to the lovely O2 arena for one night only, June 7th.

That's enough. It's enough. Too much sauerkraut for you. Your hat. Get in front of the sign, you baffled. That's why you're not true royalty. Oh fool, that's why you're not true royalty. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey, this is your only chance to see us

on the other side of the world because we're pure blood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But we are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 arena London England June 7th get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them Tony Hinchcliffe.com

For royalty waits for no one somebody put on some Elton John. Oh, you too? Oh, oh, oh. What's better than a well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply.

Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. The end. And this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's good! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for the growing red band, everybody. And make some noise for the best stand band in the land.

There you go. That feels about right. Holy shit, what a performance, huh? This is JMo joining us on the keys tonight, everybody. Sean Greenberg on the electric guitar, while John Dees and Matt Mueling are out of town. That, of course, is Huevos Rancheros, Groovline Horns over there.

Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo. Nachos Belgrande. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Big Mike getting a little bit bigger every week. We have a little thing. We put his head against the wall and use a pencil. He's getting bigger and bigger every single week. Big Mike, we love Big Mike.

That's a good Trump impression. I've never seen a Latino do a Trump impression before. You know what? You're going to the White House, buddy. And ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Live in the flesh.

The real deal. D motherfucking madness. We have a hell of an episode planned for you here tonight. I'm very excited about it. Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. -♪ -♪ -♪

-♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Seems like all the volume is coming from this side. Is this side ready to start the fucking show? Every single week I book the show strategically myself, all by my fucking self.

And I have been excited very few times more than tonight. For this is one of those nights where I knock off someone who I've wanted as a guest on the show since its inception 12 years ago. Every Monday for 12 years, we've put out an episode, and this man has never been on before. One of the greatest comedians of all time, get on your fucking feet and make some noise

for the great and powerful Carrot Top. Oh, yes. What the fuck are you doing? Yes! Let's fucking do it! What a crowd! Oh shit! Oh my goodness! There's nothing worse than an intro. This is the best guy in the world, and you eat shit. But we'll see.

Thanks for having me, man. This is so beautiful. We're going to have. This mine? I have two mics, that's how important I am. Absolutely. They don't wanna miss one word. I've got two.

One man, two mics. One lighter. Absolutely. What a hot crowd. You look good, it's dark. I can't see anybody, but you look good. You's dark. I can't see anybody but you look good. You look fantastic. I look fucking great, actually, I know.

We were talking before the show, he's been working in Vegas for 30 years. He's been doing comedy for 40 plus years, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this fucking guy. Thank you. Turns out. Thank you. Thank you.

Great hair, that's a good hair, that's good hair right there. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight, Carrot Top. I'm so happy that you're here. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this wild little bucket where anything can happen. The whole show's improvised. I'm gonna let this-

It's like Rip Taylor's act right there. Yeah, just a pug of confetti. Yeah, nobody remembers that at all It's oh look at that might been the guy's destiny right there. I was gonna come up Look at that. I love this guy. Let's just do it. Yeah, let's go with that one I'll let you pick the second one since I was going to anyway this fear and loathing looking I love it. That'll be bucket poll number two. We'll get these people all ready. And I'm excited for you to see the show, Carrot Top.

When I pull a name out of a bucket, that means these people that had no idea they were going onstage get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then that interrupts them. And I conduct an interview,

and we all talk about their lives together. They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast in absolutely no time at all. Stars are made, idiots are discovered here on this bucket, and they'll be getting feedback from the great Carrot Talk tonight. Oh, shit, yeah, really. Okay. You're sweet. Just what they want advice from me.

Yeah, all right, out of here. It's gonna be great. And kicking off the show, one of our greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Doing a brand-new minute, make some goddamn noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Cool. Yeah, okay. Mother's Day just happened. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women.

I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I'm spreading all the day cheer. You don't want to know what I do for Father's Day. I went to Canada, and this Canadian guy told me he came down here, went to a gun range, was so overwhelmed from shooting a gun, he cried.

And I just thought, man, it is gonna be so easy to take over this country. Oh, my God. Dude, stick that out before you hurt yourself. It's the stick the hockey. I used the gun. I did not cry. The person I shot cried. Okay, thank you.

I got to go. Thank you. Woo! That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good.

That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. Yeah, it's good. He fucking nailed it. You killed it so hard. That was absolutely... Yeah. Okay. Unbelievable. Carrot Top. Oh, fucking brilliant. Everything he said was brilliant. Funny. Man.

Really. He does it all the time. He comes out, he wobbles his ass out here, and he just fucking crushes. Harder than almost 99% of what we would consider the able-bodied people. Well, fair. I'll take it.

Absolutely. And it very rarely has anything to do with his condition. He's not like one of these guys that just is a one-note guy. You're like a real comedian that just so happens to have cerebral palsy. He gets tiresome after a while. You know, like, we get it. You know, we get it.

You know, we get it, you know? So... I love it. I love it. And clearly, you make your own. You paint your own T-shirts. That's incredible. It's a cool shirt.

We wear all black all the time. Do you know any other color? No. You're really trying to make people think you're not gay. I... Dark colors. Dark colors. D-Madness is my stylist, and... I wear what he sees.

Okay. Sick. We trade off. I dress D and he dresses me. That's my motto. It says that right above my closet, which I... D looks like shit. What?

I hate that. How dare you? That is not true. That is not true. You look fantastic, D. How... Oh, shit. What a fight it would be. Cerebral palsy versus completely blind.

That would be... Once he gets his hands on you, he will not let go. He would play you like a fucking bass guitar. My mom wanted me to correct you that I have monster dystrophy, so she said, she calls you Kill Tony. She goes, tell Kill Tony you have monster dystrophy. I was like, you got it, ma. Oh. I got it. I was like, you got me in my eye. Psst. Oh.

I got it. Sometimes I need a little translator over my monitor. Some titles are hard for me. I got it. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Beautiful. How's everything else in life been lately?

It's been okay. No. Well, okay, well. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of life. No. Well, I know my dog got out. It's lost. Your dog what?

It got out. It got out. He escaped? My friend was watching it and I had a dog under the fence. But I'm hoping, because this comes out, like, two weeks from now, I'm hoping we have it by the time this ends up. So, wait, when did your dog escape? It was this weekend. Yeah, I had him out.

I can't. For a walk in the cell. I might have him in here. Hold on. Wait a second. Care to talk about that? No. Care to talk about that? Don't even joke. I have everything but a dog crop.

I have everything but a dog crop. Don't even joke about that. That's not funny. I might have his dog. Wait, I think I hear him even joke. I have everything but a dog prop. I have everything but a dog prop. You don't even joke about that. That's not funny. I might have his dog. Wait, I think I hear him in there. Yeah, I... Everything but a dog prop. Fuck.

Oh, no, I hear him. I hear him. I hear him. What kind of... Oh, no. It's okay. Stop. Your daddy's here.

Your daddy's here. Not funny. What kind of dog is it? It's a dog. It's gone. I'm sorry. What kind of dog is it? It's a dog, it's gone, it's gone. What kind of dog was it? Yeah, it's gone. It doesn't remember its tongue. Well, the breed's called Alasa abso.

It looks like a Shih Tzu type thing. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, but yeah, I'm hoping we have it. Good news and bad news. Good news is I'm going to hire someone to find your dog. The bad news is it's D Madness that I'm hiring as revenge. Wow. Okay.

Sweet revenge will be D Madness's. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. I don't see that goddamn... Are you fucking kidding me? I don't see that goddamn dog nowhere. -♪ Uh-oh. -♪ Here, boy.

Hey, get your ass over here, dog. -♪ Uh-oh. Oh, no, he's lying. So his other senses are elevated. That's true. It'll be the first time where a man has sniffed out a dog. This is incredible. This could be a really historical moment. Yeah.

Damn it, Martin. I hope we find that goddamn dog. You don't live near the freeway, do you? No, I'm too close to it. That doesn't sound good. That is the sound of the bell tolling. What was his name? Andy.

Andy, oh, poor Andy, RIP. We're gonna find him. He's gone, he's gone. I think, like I heard sometimes, pigs get loose and they come back and it's like, well, boy, so maybe, tell me a fucking wolf. Wow. I think I'm gonna, yeah. He told me a fucking wolf. Wow.

Yeah, pigs come back. That's true. Red Man's here every Monday. Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! You're so good. I love that the horn player played the actual song. Oh, unbelievable. Martin, you are the fucking man. Way to get tonight's show started. We love you. Unbelievable. Truly one of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show. That is the golden boy himself, Martin Phillips.

And this is the Farmer's Shit Gets Crazy Carrot Top because this is when we go to the buckets. We're gonna... He was funny after his set. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amazing. He's a star. Now we're going to the bucket now.

So we're meeting somebody. They had no idea five minutes ago that they were going on stage. They're going up after Martin Phillips. Make some noise. This is Kyle Roberts, everyone. A minute interrupted from Kyle Roberts. -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh also have a huge cox still in my stomach that hasn't dropped, so...

I'm hoping 2025 is my year. I don't know if anyone here likes a finger in their ass. Me, too. Thanks for asking. Um, I feel like a finger in the ass is kind of like having to take summer school to graduate. It's kind of humiliating, but it's the only way I can finish.

I'm not good at dirty talk. I realized that recently. I'm not good at dirty talk. My friend told me, she's like, whisper something sexy in her ear. I tried that. Didn't go great. I was like, I'm having a hard time getting a boner right now. Where's your glitz? Wake up. All right.

That was good. Boom. Kyle Roberts. No, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Boom. Kyle Roberts. A stunning, kill-Tony debut. Correct? I was on two years ago. Oh, you were on two years ago?

Yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. You're funny as hell. Thank you. You weren't that funny two years ago on this show, were you? No. No, not at all.

I'd remember you if you were. But look at you now. You've been working hard? I have, yes. At the Gap. No. Yeah. That you if you were. But look at you now. You've been working hard? At the Gap.

At the Gap. No. Yeah. I can't fuck with people. No, it's good. That is a... You are correct. That is a starter set clothing.

Straight off of a mannequin. Yeah. I didn't want to wear, like, distracting clothing. Well, you played it just right, my friend. Perfect. We need Martin Phillips to just right, my friend. Perfect. We need Martin Phillips to draw a little something

on there afterwards. Give it a little color. I love it. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years. Where at all of it? I started in Dallas.

I moved here about almost three years ago now. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work at Chewy's Text Max. Ooh, wow. The crowd goes wild for Chewy's Tex-Mex. You're a waiter there? I am, yes.

OK. You doing good? You work in a lot of chefs? Yeah, I usually work doubles, Friday, Saturday, if I don't have shows, and then a couple other days. You work mostly lunches so that your nights are free to do stand-up? Yeah, I try to. Yeah. Yeah. That's fun. It's a couple other days. You work mostly lunches so that your nights are free to do stand-up? Uh, yeah, I try to, yeah.

Yeah. That's fun. It's a lot of fun. We have some new items in the menu now. Tell us about the new items on the menu. We brought back pork. We haven't had pork in a while. Pork?

We have a macho burrito that has guacamole inside and has hatched green chili sauce on the outside. Oh my god. It's fucking amazing. Green chili rice is back. I work with a macho pork burrito every week. It's a red band. Wow, I hit your shoulder and pubes started flying up in there.

Look at that. Little souvenir for you, sir. You look like the, it looked like a gray pub. It could have been yours to begin with. Look at this fucking guy right here. Are you visiting from New York? No, Dallas. Dallas. Oh, okay. Well, geez.

I guess I'm an ass. No, why would you say that? I'm from Dallas. This is this fucking guy. You look like a mobster. What do you do for work? Architect. He kills people. Wow. Look at him. He kills people.

He's got a look. An architect. Wait, I need to do something. Hold on. Yeah. Oh, here we go. No, because he works at a... What were you working in? Chewy something?

Chewy's Tex-Mex, yeah. Chewy Tex-Mex. I don't have a... See, I don't have a... I only have a joke for sushi. When you eat sushi, you do this, so you look like you're really... Wow, look at that guy going with his chopsticks. But I was hoping it was gonna be,

now I can't turn it off. The kids in the sweatshop make this shit for me. I don't know. I don't know how to operate them. I just, they build them. I come up with them and they build them. But look at that, that took engineering fucker. Look at that shit.

That is un-believeable. My dad worked at NASA. This is what I got from him. Mm-hmm. It's gonna be so funny in a half an hour when I ask somebody what they do for work, and they're like, I work at a sushi restaurant. You're like, fuck, I wasted it on the Mexican restaurant guy. Yeah, yeah. I gotta find something Mexican.

Yeah. I might. Wait, I do have something. Hold on. Oh, I love this. All right, people misspell, people misspell. This is so old, I forgot the joke. People misspell graffiti on walls all the time, right? So they should have, hold on, can I do this? Yeah, yeah.

So this is a spray paint can that has a dictionary so they get it right. And they do it, and when they get done, you're like, what the fuck? Hey, look. He's like, eat more posse. Wait the fuck, wait. No, that's not... No, that's stupid.

They're all stupid, that's fucking... I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, fuck yes. This is exactly what the fuck I wanted to happen. All duct taped together. Fuck. That is... It was a spray paint can with a dick turn.

No, sorry. I had to. I had to. I had to. Do you have the braille version? Yeah, yeah. I might, actually. No, we'll wait, we'll wait. Kyle. Kyle, don't ask so many fucking questions. So what do you do for fun, Kyle? Well, I have a lovely girlfriend.

We're about to move in. Ooh, about to move in. Have you lived with a girl before? Well, I've stayed over at her apartment, but not before that. Right, but you've never lived together. You've stayed over at a girl's house. How old are you, Kyle? How old am I?

I'm 31. 31. So this will be your first time living with a girl. Yes. Do you have any weird habits that you're kind of nervous about? I mean, look at him. Yeah.

Uh... Do you have any weird habits? Well, she doesn't... I sometimes, like, scream before I pee. I don't know why, but... Yeah. Yeah. Like, not like a, like, scream before I pee. I don't know why, but... Yeah. Like, not like a blood-curdling woman.

Just like, ah! Like, do you not sometimes go, sigh? Jesus. Yeah. You scream before you pee? Yeah. Jesus. Wow. In pain or just for fun? It's just a...

I really like... I don't know. I like peeing. I don't know. I'm just excited. It's an excited scream. Yeah. Does it burn or something? No.

No. Well, you know. This is incredible. So you scream before you pee. How about when you stay at her place? Have you noticed anything weird about her? Does she have, you know, anything weird? Anything stand out to you?

Women can be, you know, I mean, just from my experience, they can make the bathroom a little messy. They put their shit everywhere. Are you ready to have an actual female roommate? I think so. I mean, we spend a lot of time together. Yeah. Is she alive?

The way you're answering these questions is very suspicious. She's at Cheery's right now. We spend a lot of time together. She pretty much does whatever I want her to do. It's... Everyone's consenting, yeah. Incredible. What does she do for work? she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing?

What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing?

What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she doing?

What's she doing? What's she doing? What's she too? How do you feel about this? You excited? I mean, I usually just forget it's there when like, yeah. Does the cat like you? Have you seen the lost dog? We've been looking for a dog. Maybe there's a cat. No, we're looking for a dog. I have a cat, joke. No, I don't.

Oh. This is incredible. So it's gonna be your first time living with a girl. You're excited. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You seem like a real creepazoid. So I'm excited to find out. Is there something here?

I'm pretty bad, I come every time. I just try to make up for like a lack of like talent maybe with just like enthusiasm, you know? Yeah, if you scream before you pee, I can't imagine what you do before you come. Imagine before it comes, yeah. Oh fuck. You probably, you, you, come, yeah. Fuck. You probably, you probably,

you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably,

you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably,

you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably, you probably. Kyle Roberts, a hell of a performance.

Fucking fantastic. Awesome. Very funny. Love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Wow, there you go. He's booked. Here's a big joke bump. Kyle Roberts. Awesome, man.

I realize that I have an open wound on my hand from playing drums a little bit earlier. Oh, we have matching open wounds. Blood brothers. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi. Oh my goodness. What a special treat. Sorry.

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So we're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Jackson Rock, everyone. It's time for Jackson Rock. -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪ I love cougars. And cougars love me.

Give it up for the cougars, y'all. Yeah. I love a woman who's not afraid to take away my Xbox. My first experience with the Cougar was with a 48-year-old woman named Mrs. Lawrence. Mrs. Lawrence made love to each and every one of the dudes in my friend group. When it came to be my turn, I only lasted about two minutes. Which is not bad for a 13-year-old.

Yeah. Yeah. When her son found out, he was so jealous. Oh, yeah. He was so jealous. Now, I'm just gonna say what's on everyone's mind. The homeless people in Austin, not all of them, but some of them I would have sex with. Thank you. Okay. Okay.

Wow, there it is. Jackson Rock with an absolutely frightening set. Pretty sure he admitted to about two or three felonies in 60 seconds there. If that guy works for the government, he'll have you here. Yeah. Wow, Jackson, how long you been doing stand-up? It's my first time ever, Tony.

Wow, okay. How old you been doing stand-up? It's my first time ever, Tony. Wow, okay. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. How many times have you signed up for the show? I signed up once back in, like, October 2023. And this is your second time, October 2023? Yeah.

And you haven't signed up since then. This is your second time, and you decided in between October 2023 Yeah. And you haven't signed up since then. This is your second time, and you decided in between October 23 and now to not practice anywhere whatsoever. Your thought was, I'll just go in there, come out guns a-blazing, looking like an out-of-work magician,

and I'm just gonna take over the scene by storm. Just had to say fuck it dude. Okay, all right. What makes you think homeless people would wanna have sex with you? They tend to have- I never considered that. Really good sense of humor. I got a home.

Oh, well you could. We don't know that for a fact. Do you have a home, Jackson? I do have a home. What is it like? Well, actually I'm crashing on a couch right now because my lease just ended. Ah.

Now, listen, listen. My lea... My lease just ended, but I'm looking for a new place, a new roommate situation. So you're homeless. Oh, man. Took us a long time to get there. We went around and around and around. Turns out you us a long time to get there.

We went around and around and around. Turns out you are just as homeless as a homeless person. I'm finding out about myself right now, Tony. Indeed. So what's your plan? What do you do for work? I do two, I do a couple of things. Service industry and then I also do solo gigs.

Solo gigs? Yeah, like playing guitar, playing a mix of covers and originals also do solo gigs. Solo gigs? Yeah, like playing guitar, playing a mix of covers and originals. Oh my goodness. Really, and you make money doing that? Yeah, I had one yesterday. You made money yesterday? Yeah, man.

Where at? Over in Bastrop. Okay. Yeah. The locals are cracking up right now. Bastrop! That is, for those of you that don't know, around the world, Bastrop is about, uh,

what is it, 45 minutes away? About 30. Yeah, sure. Sure. On the bird scooter that you're driving, I'm guessing it's 45. That's hilarious. Oh, my goodness. And you're out there, they hired you for that gig?

Yeah, man. And you go by the name Jackson Rock? Jackson Rock. What place did you perform at in Bastrop? Oh, it's a place called Gracie's. Gracie's. Yeah. And how did it go? How many people were there?

Man, it's a restaurant, so it was like a Mother's Day gig, and it was fun. I mean, people were nice. I played my songs. Did you do that same set? That's hilarious. It killed, dude. I mean, people were nice. I played my songs. Did you do that same set? That's hilarious. It killed, dude.

13 year old or a soldier. People are like, this is the worst Mother's Day restaurant meal I've ever had. This is the best Mother's Day? Yeah, this is great. I'll be back on Father's Day. You know what I mean? I love it.

You feel me? I love it. Jackson, what's your, like, best original, you think? What's the name of that? What's it about? I have one that a lot of people like called Jim Beam. Jim Beam? And that's about drinking Jim Beam? It's about a homosexual relationship with Jim Beam.

I love this idea. I love this idea. I love this idea. Here, have a drink. Sean Greenberg, is there any, wait, we have an actual, is that thing tuned? It is? Okay, Heidi, can you bring out the Kill Tony official guitar?

I wanna see, oh, look, she was ready. You know, she is, she is as smart as she is stunning. A lot of people wouldn't guess that. A lot of people that just watched the show would probably guess she's a real fucking bag of rocks. But I'm telling you, she's a genius. She has the best spirit. She's fun to hang out with.

She's always listening, paying attention. And she's got a big cock. She's a big, beautiful, giant cock. Oh shit, look, Rick Springfield, everybody. All right, so you're gonna sing it and you're gonna play it, right? And you're sure it's an original, right? Because we can't set off the YouTube algorithm music thing

or else we have to pay whoever the fuck actually wrote the song that you're doing. You got it? I got it. You nervous? Sweet home. It's just like playing at Gracie's in Bastrop, except there's just another few more million people watching.

Give us a spotlight, Keno. And here he is making his Kill Tony music debut with his hit song all the way from Bastrop. This is Jackson Rock playing Jim Beane. -♪ There's a man who always treats me right He holds my doors, he never snores He helps me sleep at night There's a man who changed my life The first time that he kissed my lips?

He never bit, he's always in my dreams His name is Jim Beane He's often a friend of mine I've never seen him lie and cheat Or travel the streets We spent the night in jail His name is Jim Payne He's often a friendly man

A little strange of lying, she I try to fold the street He always pays my bill And buys me weed Alright, Jackson Rock Turns out you're a fucking musician, Jackson. Uh... Solid ending. Yeah.

That was great, man. Absolutely. You're also gay, Jackson. I don't know if you noticed that. No, I'm not. Yeah, huh. And I would know. No, I'm not.

Oh, oh, oh. I'm not. Oh, my God. It's like a... What's the old comedy? It's just a tendency. It's a tendency. It's not a gage.

It's just a tendency. It's not a gage. Once you're... No, it's not my joke. It's not my joke. It's Louis C.K.'s joke. Once you're sucking... It's sucking a cock.

He's like, it's like... It's something about that. And then he says, once you've got your hand on it, you're committed. It's a fucking... It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's a C.K.'s joke. Once you suck, it's sucking a cock. He's like, it's like, something about that.

And then he says, once you've got your hand on it, you're committed. It's a fucking, it's a cock in your mouth. Jackson, you say you're not gay, but let me ask you this. What's the gayest thing you've ever done, Jackson? I spooned with one of my homies one time. Okay. Ah!

I love that. That's very honest. It was a very quick answer. I love that. What was the circumstances of the spooning? You guys were just in the mood? We were just bowling, just hanging out, and... You were what? We were just hanging out.

What did you say the person was? Bowling. Bowling? Bowling. Bowling? I'm from Atlanta. It's like Atlanta slang. What does that mean, bowling? Like, ballin', but chillin', but...

But... Oh, you're gay. Yeah. Between bowling and... I'm getting word from the officials. It's a mixture of bowling and ballin'. After review of the play. Can I do my... I have a prop. I have a prop. I have a prop. Oh, let's go.

It's a mousetrap to get you gay, my seat. I see. The classic. The classic. The classic. The classic. It's good. I mean... God, yeah. Oh, fuck. That's a classic. You're awesome.

I am very... I have no fucking life is what I am. You get to duct tape things together and become a multimillionaire? This is incredible. What an art form it is. You are a master. I really did find, I found a mousetrap at Home Depot

and then I found a mirror ball and I was like, well, there's gotta be a fucking joke. And the lady ringing me up was like, is this gonna be one of your jokes? I said, yeah, it's a gay mousetrap. And she's like, it's great. I said, it this gonna be one of your jokes? I said, yeah, it's a gay mousetrap. And she's like, it's great. I said, it's gonna fucking kill. It's gonna be great on... It's gonna be great.

So fucking cool. Sorry. This is awesome. And he set me up, though. I had a good one. I was like, I have a good one. Yeah, I love it. That's true. I could tell he's drawn to the disco ball.

I can see what he's looking at. Somebody wants the cheese, huh? Yeah. Jackson, so is this what you want to do? Is stand-up something you want to do? Or did you just want to come on Keltoni one time? I just had to... I feel like it should be a rite of passage in Austin. What do you mean exactly? I don't know. I moved here and I'm a fan of the show

and it scared the shit out of me to sign up and I like to do things that scare me, so. Right, like hook up with a woman. Oh yeah. You were too quick, I was ready. Yes. Well Jackson, congratulations. Here's a little joke book.

You're awesome. You did it. The lovely Heidi's gonna help you with that guitar. I just saw his penis go flaccid when he looked at Heidi. His penis went extra soft. Oh, my gosh. Oh, shit. Look at this little... Look at this little sneaky cholo trying to go to the bathroom. Look at this fucking guy.

Look at you, dude, I love it. All right. Oh man, this is fun. This is fun. How about a hand for Carrot Top? We're having fucking fun here tonight. Already fucking making his claim for possible guest of the year 2025,

halfway through the show. Make some noise for your next bucket full. It's Molly McGee, everybody. Molly McGee. Yeah! Yeah! Hi. I'm new here.

I recently escaped California with my son's genitals still intact. He said, mommy, am I a boy or a girl? I said, honey, are you a boy? He said, you're a cowboy. Pew, pew, back of shape, moving to Texas. I would love my child no matter what, but if he's trans,

I'll say the same thing about his penis. I say every time he wants me to get him a puppy, you're gonna have to keep it and take care of it till it's fully grown. Then you can decide if it's not cute anymore and you want to get rid of it. I'll support that. He's not trans though, he's just regular autistic.

It's... It took a long time to get him diagnosed too, because he's good looking enough to everybody just assumed he was an asshole this whole time. Because when he was really little, doctors were worried that he might be mentally retarded. Yeah, they didn't call it that though. They called it starting to look like his father.

It was only because they were both bald and chubby and drank from a bottle till they shit and piss themselves. My son grew out of it. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Molly McGee, welcome. That was a fantastic set. Hell yeah.

Oh my. What did you just say? I just said, oh my God, hi. Cause we don't get to know who the guest is. We don't get to know who the guest is till we come out. And this is the iconic carrot. Are you saying hi to me? I thought you were saying hi to,

is that Tony, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Let's fucking go. I love this. Molly McGee, this is an unbelievably great minute. I guess I'm just surprised. We've had, not to be sexist, but the female comedians

as of late, especially the last month or so, it's been real rough. So my expectations when you came out were very low. I love it. And your stuff is topical. It seems real to you. Is that all kind of true? Absolutely true.

That's amazing. Well, I've done OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a I've done okay. Yeah. I'm a woman, see it. Yeah. What's your name again? Uh, no.

I'm looking for another, I have another gay joke somewhere in here. No, it's a good one, it's a good one. I'm excited about it. Sorry, do your- Molly, how long you been on standup? Eight years, well four, and then I took four years off and I've been back and forth.

In California? Yes. Northern? Yeah, kind of Central Valley. Stockton. Okay. Yes, we know Stockton well. We are friends with the Diaz brothers.

Oh, yeah. 209. You have a 209 area code? Yes. Absolutely. There you go. And what do you do for... How long have you been here in Texas?

Um, a little over a year. Okay. What do you do for work? long have you been here in Texas? Um, a little over a year. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a disabled veteran. You're a disabled veteran? Holy shit! You are cool as fuck. -♪ She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She's got a... She at disabled veteran female strip clubs and watch them roll around. That's hot. Oh, God. You get a discount if they have less limbs

than a normal stripper at the disabled veteran strip club. It's called the camouflage rose. It's in Bastrop for those of you that don't know. So. So Molly McGee, what branch of the military were you in? Air Force. Okay. Huh? Huh?

Wow. And what did you do there? I was a dental assistant. Like the least cool military thing you could do. Wow. And how did you become disabled? Oh, I was assaulted and I had my head slammed into a cement wall repeatedly. Oh my God. Are we sliding your ass now? Yeah. I was assaulted and I had my head slammed into a cement wall repeatedly. Oh my God. Aren't we glad you asked now?

Was this an Iraqi soldier or an American? No, it was American. It was in San Francisco. One of them was a cop. One of them was a cop? A military cop. A military cop? Off duty, off duty.

What made him slam your head against the wall? It was three females. Wait, they were females? Yeah. And what made them do that to you? Can I ask that? Is that a crazy question? Well.

It's an improvised show. Okay, well they started it. Nice. Okay, I love this. But I went for it. I bet you did. Yeah, I did pretty good. I mean, other than the permanent brain damage

and amnesia disorder, I should have seen the other guy. What was the second than the permanent brain damage and amnesia disorder, I should have seen the other guy. What was the second thing? Amnesia disorder? Amnesia disorder. What is that? What exactly?

She doesn't remember doing what her joke she did. I don't remember the question. Right. So is that like short-term, long-term memory loss? It's a little bit of both. I have some things long-term I just cannot remember. And then sometimes I have little episodes where I'll forget everything for a couple of minutes. Or sometimes I'll forget categories.

I'll be doing the dishes and realize an oven mitt is in the water, too, because I put it in with the dishes. It's just really bizarre. It's just kind of bizarre. Amazing. Incredible. Or I'll forget how I know somebody. One time I totally forgot that someone was my cousin.

Thank God that didn't go. Right. Yeah. I could have went a lot worse. Wow. How cool. You're amazing. This is incredible.

You're so funny. How old's your kid? He's 11. So you really did get him out of California at the right time. Yes. Shit is going a little wackadoodle dandy out there, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

It's wild. Mm-hmm. I love it. So how do you like Austin? What do you do for fun here? Well, so I live near New Brumfield. Okay. So I'm like right between here and San Antonio.

I can do comedy either direction. And I love it. I like it over there. It's chill. Yeah. Super cool. I'm like a small town kind of girl. I love it. I like it over there. It's chill. Yeah. Super cool. I'm like a small town... I love it....kind of girl. You have a boyfriend?

Nope. Are you sure? Do you just not remember him right now? I know right now. Yeah. I don't know. He's watching the show like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I mean, I could use that if I ever...

I swear to God. I'm a nice lady, but I wasn't... You ever forget about me again? You're going back in the cement wall. Yeah. All right. Oh, come on. Too soon. I have a fun fact about me. Yes, let's do it.

I also do comedy songs, too. Oh, my God. Oh, she gets a guitar. Yeah. Do you play guitar or you just go solo? I play guitar and I have it somewhere. They have it in the back. You brought a guitar?

Heidi, oh, my God. What a special fucking... What a special treat this is. How many times have you signed up for the show? Tons. Tons. Can you give me a ballpark? Since you got...

I'd say, um... Almost, mm, like 10 or 15. I have an amnesia disorder, so let's say... Okay, you are correct. Let's say 10 or 15. That'll work for pretty much any question. Does that sound like a good number, I guess? And this is your first time? Do you always bring the guitar when you sign up?

Yes. Okay. I love this thing around... I love it. Do you have a name for your guitar? Carrot Top. What? It's orange.

Amnesia Jenkins. Amnesia Jenkins. Amnesia Jenkins. All right, well this is- I didn't want to bring it out because I don't want to be presumptuous. Oh my goodness gracious. We just heard your brain waves on the microphone. Ladies and gentlemen,

what's the song you're going to play for us? It's an original, right? Because we can't do covers. What's it called? It's called Jack Daniels. I love it. I love it. It's about a... He set me up. He set me up.

So, it's kind of important. It's, um... Hi. So, I have a lazy eyelid, and a lot of you may not realize this, but the lazy-eyelidded community is very underrepresented in Hollywood. There's really only one reason for that,

which is we've had a megastar on top for several decades who stopped at nothing to hold the rest of us back. That ends today. Forrest Whitaker. Spotlight. I'm Whittier, and I'm... your nemesis. Forrest Whitaker.

When I was a little girl, I used to get bullied for having a lazy eyelid. They called me Quasimodo. Sloth from Goonies. Rocky after the fight. And I used to cry the whole way home, and I'd be happy because I turned on the TV and there was my hero.

Lisa Lefteye from TLC. I'd cry the whole way home and I'd be happy because I turned the TV and there was my hero. Lisa Lefteye from TLC. She used to celebrate having a lazy eye lip and then she died of unnatural and unexpected circumstances. Rest in peace. Legally, I'm not saying Forrest Whitaker had anything to do with it.

I'm just saying it's pretty freaking convenient. At Forrest Whitaker, you think we didn't notice that Biggie Smalls was part of the Lazy Eyelid community? Was. They never did find his killer, did they? It's almost as if the detective was so close to the case he couldn't see the forest through the trees. Not even with two good eyes. -♪ How many children won't be oppressed anymore?

-♪ When you fall, when you fall -♪ How many lazy-eyed stars will be born when you fall, when you fall? Forrest Whitaker! You had the chance to show the world. It's not just you. There's more of us out here. We're talented.

We can do things. Instead, he's out here acting like y'all need him to normalize. Normalize! Also known as Itypical. And for his Whittaker, seen you waltzing around the Star Wars universe in Rogue One trying to send us a message that you're gonna be the only one in the future with a lazy eyelid. Clearly he wants total annihilation.

But not on my watch. It's a longilation. Not on my watch. It's a long song. Not even? With two good eyes. How many children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall, when you fall. How many lazy eyes Start to be born

When you fall I'm your nemesis Your move, Forrest Whitaker! Your move! Wow! Molly McGee! Molly McGee! Molly McGee! Molly, you are cool as shit! I'm gonna be your man

Molly, you are cool as shit. Yeah. Song's a little long, little Pink Floyd-esque. I didn't realize- That's what a Mellencamp song is like. Yeah. It- She was like, shine on you crazy eyelids over here.

It's like a 14-minute long fucking start slow, goes back to the chorus twice. Forty Whitaker's passed, by the way. Yeah. If a song falls in the Forrest Whitaker, all right. In my defense, that was after several decades of oppression, so that's a long song. I get it. You think your eyelids are lazy.

You should see D-Madness' actual eyeballs. They are the laziest eyeballs. They've done nothing his entire life. Thank you. That song's called Run Forrest Run. Just everybody... Amazing. You are such a cool person. I love your style, Molly McGee.

You're leaving here with the Big Joke books. Write another minute. Come up, sign up again, okay? There you go. She caught it. Molly McGee, everybody. Good job. How fun. Great job, Molly. She caught it. Molly McGee, everybody. How fun. Two musical guests in a row plowing through it.

Oh, wait, it's time for a prop. Let's do it. Carrot Top's got a little something for us. All right, here we go. When you go to a bar, right, when you go to a bar, you can't see who you're hitting on, right, because it's dark, so it's a beer that has a light built into it. You kind of scope it out before you...

And look, it's it. And there's two jokes. Look, it's a Bud Light. Ah, fuck! Look at that shit. That wrote itself. Bud Light. Maybe there's another one. This is amazing. I don't know if you guys all smoked the same pot

that I did tonight, but this is... This is a dumb one. This is a pacifier for ugly babies. Ha ha ha! But it's dumb. I mean, they're not all clever. At least done. Oh, polished shit. You know how much it costs to fly this shit here, too, by the way?

Seriously, they had to go through it, too, by the way? Seriously. They had to go through it. Like, what the fuck is a dildo on a thing? I'm like, it's... Oh, it's Carrot Top. That's okay. That is kind of... They really go through it.

I was like, what the fuck is this shit? Yeah. I'm like, it's a gay mousetrap. Have you run into problems? I guess you're mostly in Vegas, but like, has that ever been an issue flying with your wild stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I was going going with people too young to remember Regis and Kathie Lee. Uh-huh.

And I was doing the show and I was on a flight and this is great, the same exact trunk. It has flowers all over it and I'm on this trunk and I'm playing I said to the woman, I'm doing this live show could you make sure the trunk gets it on because I'm going to go live like tonight. And they said oh no we got it, we got it, we got it, we got it, we got it, we do it. And we get on the plane, I look out the window, it's like four in the morning, and I see this trunk going on the bed of another airplane. Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

And I said, that's my shit. And they go, no. I said, well, unless Donnie and Marie are on the other fucking flight. There's like a box full of fucking shit. So they got it for me just in time. Oh, awesome. Just in time to do, you know, on Regis and Kathie Lee,

you know, a plate for bulimics. I mean, you know... Oh, my God. You can eat and... A plate for bulimics. You said be politically incorrect tonight, so I'll bring you all my... Oh, I love it.

I'm bringing you all my dark carrot top shit. I love it. I love it. You guys carrot top shit. I love it. I love it. You guys are by the way the best. You're the best. This is fun. This is fucking awesome. This is so fun. Man, everybody that's on her is so fun.

Yeah, we're having a, you guys having fucking fun out there? This band is unbelievable. They're the shit. Seriously. We're having a blast. You're doing okay. The band honestly.

All right, let's get back to this bucket. Hey guys, what you're listening to currently, this is a commercial promoting the Pete and Sebastian show. Pete and Sebastian show chronicles the life of Pete Corrielli, comedian, writer, actor, and myself, Sebastian Maniscalco. And this is that No Fly By Night podcast. Someone didn't put us together and go, you guys should do a podcast.

Disappointingly, now we're going to go back to whatever you were listening to before all commercials came on. Now, I'm sorry that you have to go and listen to a science podcast that the guy is talking, you can fall asleep listening to what he was saying. This is cutting edge comedy coming direct

to you in your headphones. Thanks for listening to the Pete and Sebastian show. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Pascass podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now and there are still so many crazy stories. It amazes me.

It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pascass wherever you get your podcasts. We're going to meet another comedian. Make some noise. One minute uninterrupted for Jordan Gilpin, everybody. All right, Jordan. Jordan! Hey, everybody.

I know you're thinking, and yes, it's true. I do have bicycles on my wall. My living room is art decoration. Yes, I do. I recently took a 23andMe and found out I'm 25% gay. That's right. I recently took a 23andMe and found out I'm 25% gay. That's right. I had a gay grandpa.

Sometimes with the long deliverer, a quote doesn't really work the right way, right? I went by a crystal shop, really inspiring quote. It said, it's a great thing to think that your best days are still ahead of you. But told by Anne Frank? Maybe they were talking about reincarnation.

Guys, I, uh, it's kind of weird. Family, yeah, that's right. They're crystals, right? They can see the future, but they can't Google the past. Yeah. My sister's in a fruple with my... Jesus.

With my... I like that one guy, one guy, fruple! Yeah, that's right, that's right. In a fruple with her husband and my mom. Yeah, she came to visit once eight years ago and she's still there doing the laundry and raising the kids. All right, all right, Jordan Gilpin. Went a little too long there.

I like that first joke, but I would have said, what do you say, 25% gay? And you pause and say, okay, 90. You know, something like, cause I mean, Gilligan, come on. Yeah. This is an incredible getup. No, but that was funny. Fucking love it.

I have the same shorts. Yeah, I feel bad. I really tired. I really, I really have the same legs. We have the same legs. Look at that. Except I shaved mine. So they look, makes my dick look leaner.

Right? Jordan, it is quite the outfit. I'm glad you took a break from renting tourist kayaks to come and do standup here tonight. How long you been doing standup comedy? Seriously, for four months. I'm glad you took a break from renting tourist kayaks to come and do stand-up here tonight. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Seriously, for four months, and I've been riding for about a year and a half.

Okay, so you wrote for a long time. You're clearing the room, look. Yeah. Good job, people are going in. Only Rickles did that, you know. Stick around. So Jordan, what do you do for work? I work at a barbecue place.

Please say rent kayaks. What is it? I work at a barbecue restaurant. Okay. You want to give them a shout out? What barbecue restaurant? I work at Franklin. Okay.

That is one of the bigger ones here. What do you do at the barbecue restaurant? So I was hired as a cutter, but I haven't got there yet. It's a very strenuous training process when you work for one of the most famous barbecue places in the world. How long have you worked there without getting to cut, hired as a cutter?

You haven't gotten to cut the meats? Yeah, I haven't got there yet. With a knife? Yeah. Yeah, I haven't touched a knife since I started. It was March 1, I think was my first day. Yeah. Wow. You know, OJ got that job by the way. First day. First day. They gave me my ID. So what do they have you doing if you were hired as a cutter and you haven't gotten to cut the meats yet? What exactly are you doing at work? Yeah, so the

first two weeks I was what they call the line position. So you talk to everybody in line and ask them what you want, and you tally their meet numbers. Have you been there? Michael, relax over there. Can we keep him over here? Jesus Christ, what are you having, your own side conversations? You know, where you're cracking up at the number thing. Relax over there, Michael. Yeah, so I call it the glorified Chick-fil-A person.

Yeah, because you're going down the line, you're like expectation manager. And so once you sell your 20 pounds of turkey for the day, nobody else is, you can't guarantee turkey. So if somebody's got their heart set, waiting three hours in line, and it's like, sorry, I'm out of ribs. So they've got to try tomorrow.

So you got to sweet talk them out of it. Yeah. OK, so let's do a little thing. Let's do a little, give they'll gotta try tomorrow. So you gotta sweet talk them out of it. Yeah. Okay, so let's do a little thing. Let's do a little, give me a little barbecue music. And I'm going through the line here at the barbecue restaurant, and I've been waiting in line for hours. And here we go.

Mmm, got it. I love the barbecue music here. Oh, I'm finally up in line. Oh, hey, how are you? Can I get some food? Hi, yeah, welcome to Franklin, guys. Have you ever been here before? No.

Cool, so let me tell you. So I got brisket available. We have our pork spare ribs. We have pulled pork. We have turkey. And we have our house sausage and our jalapeno cheddar sausage. I'm in the mood for ribs.

Do you have ribs? I do have ribs available. Oh, you're supposed to be out of ribs. I want to find out what it's like when you're out of something. I'm sorry. You for ribs. Do you have ribs? I do have ribs. Oh, and you're supposed to be out of ribs. I want to find out what it's like when you're out of something. I'm sorry. You have all that stuff, but I'm really here for the ribs.

I've been waiting all day for ribs. So I can't guarantee you ribs, but my guarantee is in the pink sweater, about 20 people ahead of you. So once she gets out to the front, I'll come back to you and I'll let you know if I still have some. If you're lucky, you can have them.

I can't mark you down for them, but if you have them, you can grab them. I like it. What a fucked up system. Let's go regular lighting here. I just figured out what you do. That is so interesting. So they're deep in the line when you talk to them. Yes.

And they're starving. Yeah. And they've been waiting for hours. And you just come up to them. Are you dressed like that when you talk to them. Yes. And they're starving. Yeah. And they've been waiting for hours. Yeah. And you just come up to them. Are you dressed like that when you go up to these hungry, angry, starving people? Just, hello, hello.

The lady in the pink sweater is gonna eat what she wants. Best of fucking luck to you. I can't guarantee anything. What the fucking look to you? I can't guarantee anything. What the fuck? That's just, what's the angriest somebody's gotten at this part with you? Has it happened yet? Has there been like, come on, man.

Not too many people. I bet you get a lot of bribes, don't you? There was an angry lady who didn't understand that she couldn't just reserve a table for two hours while they waited in line. A liberal, am I correct? Liberal vibes, Purple hair? No, she was like suburban San Antonio.

So I think she was like, you know, she was a country club kind of person. She didn't realize why they couldn't just like, you know, bribe me $100 to like skip the line. Right. Yeah. Is that the most you've been bribed? No, I mean, she didn't like... I mean for barbecue. But I mean people will like ask if they could. What's

the highest you've been offered? Me personally? I haven't been offered but I know people have. Yeah you don't look like you would even you look like you would just take the money. They'll like give me a sandwich You know like yeah, I give off more that vibe. Yeah, it's a good barbecue joint Do you try any of the other barbecue? Do you eat barbecue? I do I do. Yeah Have you tried the competition? Yes, some of them. I Really like Leroy and Lewis and Endersteller KG I tried a tried a few months ago. That's really good.

You don't even say the TB word, do you? TB? I'm scared of TB, aren't you? Well, okay, no. Terry Box is funny because it's always the one that people go to first when they come to town. And then they come to us when, like, they really have time to dedicate to it.

But I would say, like, everybody's say everybody's surprised when they're like, oh, wait, we went to Terry Box and this is way better. Let's go to our senior barbecue correspondent, Brian Redban. Is it true that you go through the line, though, to ask what people are getting before the restaurant's even open, though? So you're almost creating this weird, like, you know... Like, people can't get anything no matter what.

He's gonna think of a better question in just a moment. Uh... Yeah, that's what we just described. Yeah, exactly. No, no, but you do it before the restaurants even open, though. Why don't you just not make enough? Yeah, so we open up the restaurant at 11, and we start talking to people in line at like 8, 30, 9 o'clock.

So by the time we open at 11, we already know who's going to be guaranteed beef ribs or pork ribs. Beef ribs are only on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so you've got to show up early for those. I like that. It's a business. You know, when we were comics, we'd order Domino's, right? And then we'd order Pizza Hut. We'd make both people eat their other thing. We'd film Pizza Hut eating Domino's and Domino's eating Pizza Hut. And they were like, no, we can't do that.

And we'd videotape them and then they got fired from eating. Literally. They wouldn't eat the competition. I eat the competition. Incredible. Wait, I have something for this. Hold on. Oh, okay. I love this. Carrot top. All right, these are good.

These are good. I got to stand up for this one. Yeah. Only because you're wearing those goddamn things. Well, you know, it's hot today in Austin, so I had to be prepared to swim. There's skinny jeans for fat guys. So that way, when you wear them, you're like, you look so lean. Fucking retard, isn't it? So when you wear them, you're like, you look so lean. Pfft. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he friend. Good interview, good insight into the barbecue world of Austin, Texas. There's a little joke book.

Thank y'all. There he goes, Jordan Gilpin, everybody. Great. And it's a perfect time to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the show's history, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, a juggernaut, an absolute superstar flying through the cosmos at a billion miles an hour,

I present to you truly who I believe is the top young rising comedian in the world. Make some goddamn noise, this is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson. ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"]

["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] ["Bad Boy"] I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money.

I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. I'm a man who's got a lot of money. you in a dark room and fuck you in the ass. That's what I feel like. That's what's gonna happen, brother. Watch your bumper. They on your ass.

Nigga, literally. They gonna put a dick in it. And, uh, I got one gay friend. I got one. I grew up with him my whole life. His name is Tyrone. I'm not gonna say his last name. I gotta be disrespectful. His name is Tyrone Jones.

And Tyrone, uh, he lived two doors down from me my whole life. And when he came out as gay Tyrone, he lived two doors down from me my whole life. And when he came out as gay, it made me upset. Now listen, I wasn't angry because he was gay. I was angry because we did things together that two men should not do when one of them is gay. We did a lot together.

We played basketball together, we played football together. Me and Tyrone fucked the bitch together. You understand me? We was in 11th grade. We was at his grandma's house. It was 12 o'clock at night, on a school night on a Tuesday, dog. I was fucking her from the back. She was right here, and Tyrone was fucking her face, man. Yeah. And we was high-fiving and shit like this.

A good old-fashioned Eiffel Tower, dog. That's a great core memory for two straight young men. When one of them become gay, that's a totally different memory, dawg. And when it came out, he was like, I want everybody to know, bro, I'm gay, and I like men. I was like, listen. My homeboy was like, listen, bro, we don't care. We love you, bro.

We still love you. I was like, wait a minute, bitch, I got questions. We fucked a bitch together. What do you mean you not gay? What do you mean you gay? And he looked at me, wait a minute, bitch, I got questions. We fucked the bitch together. What do you mean you not gay? What do you mean you gay? And he looked at me, he went... Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You know how I stayed hard the whole time? And I went home and I cried that night. You understand me? I don't know. Thank you so much. Fuck yes. Cam Patterson with the brand new Minute. Yeah, yeah. That was great.

Hell yeah. That was great. Ah, man. And there it is. Another new Minute. Now, you've been doing comedy for a long... Sorry to take your job. You've been doing comedy for a long time, right?

Four years. No, because you're good. Thank you, man. I really appreciate that, bro. Solid. Solid. Solid. Solid. Thank you, man. Thanks, love. Sorry about my stupid dreads. Sorry about that. No, man. I really appreciate that, bro. Solid. Solid. Solid. Thank you, man. Thanks, love. Sorry about my stupid dreads. I'm sorry about that. No, listen. He'll stop me and go, what the fuck? I'm trying.

I fuck with them, nigga. They nice. Hell yeah. I like them. Hell yeah. It's a lot going on, but I like it. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Not bad. Nigga, you care about time. Live your life, brother. Have a good time. Hell yeah. Good. Great, man. Hell yeah. Do what you want to do, man. Hell, yeah. Do what you want to do, nigga.

Nah, all right. It's probably as the same hair as Tyrone Drawles. Is that his name? Ah, fuck nice. Drawles? Nah, Jones. I said Jones. Jones?

I don't talk good. Oh, okay. I don't talk Greek. That's a fake name, though. I'm not going to say his real name. Okay, good. That's nice, see? That's good. That's nice of you. People might not know who their gay black friend is.

That's a great joke, though. It's a fucking great joke. It was. That is. It's incredible. But it wasn't a joke. It really fucking happened? Yeah, no. See, that's what I'm thinking. It's actually... I actually hate it.

I do not like that story at all. That's fucking funny. It was some old shit. I had an old joke like that. At one point, we were playing basketball, but the real story was we fucked a bitch together, and I was very angry about that. Yeah, and he was looking at you the whole time.

Yeah. That made me angry after I was like, wait a minute, bitch. Yep. Fuck you got going on, man. He probably never even looked at her. He was just staring at you. Like, this nigga doing great. He probably never even looked at her. He was just staring at you.

Like, this nigga doing great. He's doing phenomenal right now. I love it, Cam. What's been going on in life? Anything crazy? Shit, nothing, man. Just running around doing shows, you know what I'm saying? On the road, having a good time.

I was on a movie set recently, and I got there a little early. It was like on the beach. It was like we had food and shit. And it was a police officer that was like on the beach, we had food and shit. And it was a police officer that was on the beach watching the set and I was getting food and then he came back and was like, hey man, stop grabbing the food from the movie set. And I was like, I'm on the movie.

He was like, no you not. And I said, I am. And he went, well show me some papers. I said, what? Papers? You would have movie papers if you was. And I said, I am. And he went, well, show me some papers. I said, what? Papers? You would have movie papers if you was on the set. And I was mad, and he was Mexican. So I was like, bitch, show me some papers, nigga.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Show me some goddamn papers you done to me. Fucking great. Ah, shit. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, man. That was brilliant. Shit pissed me off.

He cool, though. He a good guy, though. He cool now. We good. And it felt worse. I had watermelon in my hand. I was like, it was bad. It was a bad look for all my people.

It looked terrible for all black people around the country, though. It looked really bad. All that, all those options that are on a movie set that you could possibly eat, and you just had a plate of watermelon? They were good, bro. I ain't gonna hold it in my hand. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it.

I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. All that, all those options that are on a movie set that you could possibly eat, and you just had a plate of watermelon? They were good, but I ain't gonna hoods it. It feel, it feel weird being black, hot, light watermelon, but it's like, damn, like, I can't really eat it in public like that, can these black, niggas? So I got like... But if I had to eat it, I look crazy, you know what I'm saying?

I can't duck around corners and eat watermelon like this, and have it look fucking insane. So I got to eat it in public, but it's like, eat it, nigger! I look crazy. You know what I'm saying? I can't duck around corners and eat watermelon like this. That look fucking insane. So I got to eat it in public, but it's like, Eat a nigger! Get a Frank juice also! Like, damn, I can't eat watermelon by myself. Nigger shit.

Carrot Top, you got a prop for this, buddy? I was hoping I did. You can't top this. Like, it's brilliant. No, I don't have shit that would top that. No, not brilliant. Amazing. Oh, Jesus.

Amazing. I have another gay joke. Hold on. Oh, we love that. This is good. This is good. This is good. It's a...

Hold on. Fuck. It's a piggy bank for gay guys. He goes... Hey, that gay a fuck, dog. That's good. That's you with them playing basketball. You need me, guy?

You need me, man? You need me, man? You need me, man? You need me, man? You need me, man? There are very few things that you can be certain of in life. But you can always be sure the sun will rise each morning. You can bet your bottom dollar that you'll always need air to breathe and water to drink. And of course, you can rest assured that with Public Mobile's 5G subscription phone plans, you'll pay the same thing every month. With all of the mysteries that life has to offer, a few certainties can really go a long way. Subscribe today for the peace of mind you've been searching for. Public Mobile, different is calling. Truck month is on at Chevrolet. Get 0% financing for up to 72 months

on a 2025 Silverado 1500 Custom Blackout or Custom Trail Boss. With Custom Trail Bosses available, class exclusive Duramax 3-liter diesel engine and Z71 off-road package with a 2-inch factory suspension lift, you get both on-road confidence and off-road capability. Dirt road ahead? Let's go! Truck Month is awesome! Ask your Chevrolet dealer for details. We're gonna do it again, folks. That's it. Right in the middle of his show.

Superstar. Cam motherfucking Patterson. He is something else. There's never been anything like it. Someone like him writing and performing a new minute every week while putting it together, the long, long sets that he does on the road and somehow kicking out a new minute every week on this show. This looks like a familiar name.

Coming back out of the bucket for the first time in a while, make some noise, a new minute from Jake Coulter, everyone. Jake Coulter. So did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal? Because that's how you create supreme beings. Like... Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs.

Flushing your cum down the toilet sends it to the ocean. Sends it to the ocean, getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids. Let's see, I'm go-able and white trash, so the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I'd seen on TV, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughters. And like, I've seen the little mermaid. So obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some octobitch, somehow convince her to use her magic

to take my new kid's voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality. There it is, all the way to the limit, Jake Coulter. Welcome back, Jake. Thank you, thank you. I remember you. Oh, I hope that's a good thing. Do you remember Tony?

Oh, yes, for sure. Jake, remind us, how long you been doing stand-up? Uh, I, uh, I had a year in September, so about a year and a half now. Okay, a year and a half. Remind me what happened last time you were on. It was something kind of epic, right? I remember a big and a half now. Okay, year and a half. Remind me what happened last time you were on. It was something kind of epic, right?

I remember a big moment happening with you. You thought I was retarded. That's right. That's right. That's right. But in an unbelievable twist, you're not. What is your condition? I don't think I have one besides like social anxiety.

Okay. All right. I mean like I could put my foot over my head. I don't know if that's a condition. You can put your foot over your head? Let's see that. I mean we gotta see it. Wow.

Wow. Wow. That is incredible. Now do both. Do both. Can you do both? No, no, no. It's nothing then. Incredible, Jake. Okay. If you did both, we might have a prize for you.

What do you do for work, Jake? I just started at H-E-B. Oh, nice! The best, the absolute best, a Texas delicacy, the greatest grocery store in the world. What exactly do you do at HEB? So I'm cross-functional, so I do everything. Is that what the doctor said you are?

Yes. Cross-functional. Exactly. Oh man. Wow. And what is it that you find yourself doing the most at HEB with all of these functions that you can do? Well, I just got through orientation,

so next I'm gonna be a bagger on Wednesday. Wow. That's incredible. Red band, why would you hit that? Only once. It was so perfect. You should hit it again. I love it. Red band, why would you hit that? Only once, it was so perfect. You should've hit it again. I love it. So they told you that you're cross-functional.

They said you're highly talented and you haven't done anything yet, but you're going to start as a bagger. So they think you're retarded too. This is very exciting that I'm not the only one. I know a lot of you, when you heard the retarded thing, you're like, oh, Tony, but it turns out I have the same opinion as H-E-B's human resource people. Incredible.

We feel that you're in the spectrum of all the jobs that you can take here at H-E-B. That's gonna be great. We're gonna start you at bagging, and, um... Oh, man. We'll see how that goes, and then we'll see your other functions. Incredible. So how long is training at H-E-B? and we'll see how that goes, and then we'll see your other functions.

Incredible. So how long is training at HEB? Well, I think it's just one day. I mean, yeah. Put the things in the bags. Yes. Don't put the bread in first. Don't put the eggs in first. Everything else is fair game.

Try to keep it evenly balanced, and then put the bread and the eggs on top of that stuff. Right. Yep. I was confused by that. Oh, no. Oh, boy, you're in big trouble, buddy. You're in big trouble. Wait, what did Tony say again?

The eggs and first off, fuck. Yeah. Oh, no. It's okay. Next week, I'm gonna be in the Tortillaria. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't know. It's what my schedule says. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. I don't know what. The Tortillaria is a part of the HEB. Yeah, I-I really hope so. Wow. Otherwise, that's very mean of them. I wonder if they have special music over in the Tortilla Rio. What do you think it sounds like over there?

MUSIC Wow. Wow, unbelievable. The best damn band in the land featuring Groove Line Horns, aka Huevos Rancheros. This is so exciting. What else? They have the Tortilla Ria. What else is there? Tell us more. Do you have your schedule on your phone there?

Yeah, it's in the back there. Let's get his phone unlocked. I need the lovely Heidi to unlock his phone. I want to know all the special sections of the HEB. I guess I could ask Red Band, but instead... The tortilla place, they make their own tortillas every day. Fresh tortillas, the best tortillas in the city. Oh, man.

HEB, for those of you listening to Around the World, I know you're hearing the crowd go crazy, you've heard it come up before, but I mean, there really is no describing how unbelievably, I mean, it's beyond, it makes Whole Foods look like a goddamn fucking goodwill. It is incredible. Have you, have you been, you see you've been physically there. Let's pull up this training schedule.

You're going to get fired before you start. I'm just kidding. H-E-B loves us. We have a mutual relationship. We perform at the H-E-B center every New Year's Eve. Why am I getting a text? What does it say? It's from him. I don't know.

Okay, what do we got here? Can I look at it? All right, perfect. Let's see what we got here. This is very exciting. Oh, welcome to training at H-E-B. Well, well, well, Tuesday, no shifts. Wednesday, training. Thursday, no shifts. Friday, no shifts. You have no shifts.

Oh, here we go. All right, here we go. Thursday, May 22nd. You shall start at 6 a.m. and work until 2.30 at the tortilla. Friday off, Saturday off, Sunday, 9.15 to 4 p.m. Bagger. Wow. It starts big.

The next week, no shifts whatsoever. And that's pretty much it. You got it. We're off to a good start. Which is perfect because that's when this episode comes out and it makes sense. It's like they already know. All right.

Yes. You're very excited about it. I love it. How old are you, Jake? I'm 26. 26. You're just adorable, Jake. I gotta tell you.

What do you do for fun when you're not? I have a 155 pound Great Dane. You have a 155 pound Great Dane. Yes. This is incredible. And you sure you still have it? Dogs have been getting loose lately. Yeah, there's a lot of, yeah.

No, I keep a camera on him. I love it, very good. If you lose that fucking thing, seriously. The other guy earlier could lose a dog. It was probably that big. Yeah, exactly. A hundred and fifty-five pound dog. Tiny dog.

How long have you had... Did you bring him? Is he here? No, unfortunately. He could just come out and play the drums. Right. What's the Great Dane's name? Zee. Zee?

Yeah. Okay. What made you name him Zee? Um, I don't know. Everything was taken. Yeah. It was Zee. Everything was taken. Yeah. I was trying to be different. Okay. Very cool. I've got something for you. Hold on.

Oh, yes. So this is fun. When you go to someone's house for a house party, you bring this and you leave it on their table. And the next morning they're like, what the fuck was doing below at our house? That's for you, that's for the... Yeah, that's for you. That is awesome. I love it.

I was gonna give it to you, but I gotta fly this shit back to Vegas. I can't... I got an ad, and I got a show tomorrow night. I love it. Well, Jake, congratulations. You already have a big joke book? Yes, sir.

Yes, you do, so keep filling it up. There he goes, Jake Colter, congratulations. You already have a big joke book? Yes, sir. Yes, you do, so keep filling it up. There he goes. Jake Colter, everyone. We're gonna keep flying through it here. Jake, put that mic back where you found it there on that ax real quick. There he goes.

Jake Colter. Oh, yeah, all right. I guess that's good enough, Jake. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. There's gonna be bread on the bottom of those bags. Here we go, ready? Yeah, absolutely. We gotta do a better prop.

So this is all for the women here. When you go to the bar at night, you bring your purse, you can decide what guy to bring home at the end of the night. Oh my goodness. There's one. Look at that. So no, no.

Oh, these hoes love it. Look at these hoes. It takes a lot to satisfy their gaping vagina. These three right here have an insatiable appetite for number three, I do believe it was. That was like a glory hole joke, I think. Oh, I love it. It's incredible.

This is so fucking awesome. All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. We know this young man. He's a young legend around these parts. One of the great mothership door guys. You've seen him before. He won an appearance on the New Year's Eve show at the H-E-B Center just this past year.

This is, I believe, his first time since then. Make some noise for the next appearance of Law Coger, everyone. It's Law Coger. -♪ Yo, yo, yo. So, most people don't know this about me, but I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Yeah, my city had a hot dog eating contest, and I was the first person ever to yell gay a thousand times. Yeah, so I'm in therapy. Yeah, my therapist made me a book of world records. I'm a man of my word. I'm a man of my word. I'm a man of my word. I'm in therapy.

Yeah, my therapist made me delete all the phone applications that give me anxiety. Yeah, so long, Bank of America. I remember one time I was messing with this white girl. No. I remember one time I was messing with this white girl. No. Yeah, one time I was messing with this white girl that wanted to say, nigger during sex.

No. I remember one time I was messing with this white girl that wanted to say, nigger during sex. No. Is this white girl that wanted to say nigger during sex? No. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Unbelievable. Locke Hoger, one of the great door guys here

at the mothership, which are all professional standup comedians selected by the Booker, Adam Eaget, doing a lot of spots every single week. These are the people, this is the future. Right here, Carrot Top. What up, bro? He's on the crew? Yeah, here at the Mother Street.

My crew fuckin' is not funny. Seriously, you're fuckin' funny. My crew, I don't let them look at me, though. You let them look at you. Yeah, yeah, they're allowed to look at me. Except for D Madness, he never looks at me. You can look at me, you can look at me. Salah, so fucking funny, unbelievable.

I love how present you are, the acknowledging of the dumb white bitch in the middle of the room during your set. Perfect timing, that's what it's all about is having stuff to talk about but being light on your feet in the moment. Absolutely perfect set. So good. Yeah. Now, as a prop guy, sorry, the first thing you walked out, I'm thinking, oh, fuck.

I'm surprised you didn't. When you had the mic stand, you said, look, I know I'm exactly one, almost the same height as the mic stand. That would be a funny opening joke. No, no, no, no, leave it where it was, where you're just, you're right about the same height. When it was up right there, you say, huh, look, I'm fucking a much the size. I'll stick with props the other time. I'll stick with my props.

I just saw a mic and you were the same height as the mic, and I said, that's a good joke. Yeah, I try to shy away from the height shit. Yeah, sheesh, that's a good joke. Yeah, I try to shy away from the high shit. Yeah, yeah, she's, she's, she's. But you open with something like rural record something, so it made me think you were gonna say that. I'm the shortest man alive?

No, no, you're not the shortest man alive. No, no, no, no, you're not the shortest man alive. You call me a short ass nigga, bro? We're all thinking it. I know, yeah. Just to let We're all thinking it. I know. Just to let you know. I saw Deep Madness looking at the ground when you got on stage. That's where the sound waves are coming from over there.

Law, what's it like being a short ass? Now, you're his boss. You can say that. I can't. I can say two thirds of it. Two thirds? I'll say the nigger part. There you go. Um, I mean it's cool. Uh, you know what I noticed, like, tall women love me.

You know, I get a lot of, I can fit in their back pocket and shit like that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could, you could fit in this purse and also probably be a number three, I'm guessing, at the same time, which is a very rare treat. There you go, you have that and that.

It's made for you. Oh damn. Are you, are you measuring girth? What is that? Yeah, you are correct. Fuck yeah. You figured it out. That's a girth joke. It's not figured it out. That's a girth joke.

It's not a length joke. That's a girth joke. That's true. Jesus Christ. Which one is it though? Which one is it? I'm not asking your girth. I'm saying that prop was about girth, not the length.

It was about big old fucking dick. Big old. Okay, okay. Which, which the lady said fuck. They loved her earlier. Hell yeah. Now that you're here, they're like, well, which soufflé he said fuck. They loved earlier. Hell yeah. Now that you're here, they're like, he probably has a big dick.

Fucks with it, bro, fucks with it. Yeah. You ever heard of, uh... You know, white people, white redheads, fucking white people, white... You sound like me. Yeah, redheads have huge cocks. Is that true?

Yes. That's why my hair is purple and green and blue and green. I'm not redhead. I love it. Law, so what you been doing for fun? Uh, yeah, fucking tall bitches. Is that true? Yeah, I got a shorty right now.

She's like 6'1". Whoa. You guys go out in public together? Oh yeah, man. I climb trees, bro. Wow. Oh, Big Mike Gonzales excited over there. Another. Let's go.

So you're the spinner. I've never heard of a man's spinner. There you go. What's a spinner? There you go, Red Band. There you go. Okay, so where did you meet this six foot one bohemoth? The bookstore.

The bookstore. That's where you go to pick up the bitches. Yeah, that or Michael's arts and crafts. Oh, very smart. Very smart. You are a smart cookie. And what's your approach at the bookstore? Do you do the thing where, like,

you're on the other side of the bookshelf, and when they take a book, you're like, hello, like that, or something crazy? Yeah, Ghostbusters style. Nah, I, um... I try to do, like, some stupid-ass pick-up line. Uh-huh. You know, I'll be like,

like, why haven't I seen you before? Oh, right, that's because I've been in prison. Oh, uh, like, why haven't I seen you before? Mm-hmm. Oh, right. That's because I've been in prison. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good pick-up line. I bet that works on all the good-hearted women. Yeah, no, it bombs pretty often.

Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work. Amazing. Yeah. I like the bookstore. I just like the bookstore. What does the six-foot-one woman do for a living, Law? She's a, she just got her doctorate,

so she's a teacher, or like a professor. She's a professor? Yeah. Wow. What is she teaching? History. Oh my. Which what you are, right?

To her, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean to her. No, not you, to her, your history. To her, history? No, you're not history. To her, you. Yeah. No, I mean to her. No, not you. To her, your history. To her, your history. You're not history. To her, your history, right? She's, he's history to her.

You got it, you got it. I mean, she's history. I don't know, fuck. We got off on a bad thing. I liked the height joke. I thought it was funny. Damn. Wait, I got one.

Hold on, fuck. Oh no. Oh yes. Oh no, I really do. This. Wait, I got one. Hold on. Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, no, I really do. This is great. Fuck. It's a hanger for a midget. There you go. I mean, that is fucking timing, right?

You're gonna give that to me? You said if I had something in the middle of the interview that I could cut him off. Fucking I had it. It was comedy gold. It was just sitting there like, pull me out of the truck! You made that yourself?

No, I make all this shit. Hell yeah, bro. I've got nothing else to do. I literally, everything has duct tape and yeah. I can't believe you have a hanger for a short person. You can't say midget, you're a short person. That is so person. Right. That is so perfect.

Damn. Law, you need one of these. I went to Radio Shack and got a fucking thing in here. Oh my God. That's how old that joke was, right? When they had an aerial. Absolutely incredible. Law, anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on?

Before he kills me? Oh, yeah. I've been doing this thing know about you before moving on? Before he kills me. Oh, yeah. I've been doing this thing, have you heard of it? It's called semen retention. Called what? Semen retention. No. It's like when you like, choose not to ejaculate.

Oh, I'm not into that. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta hold it all in. You hold it all in. Yeah, I like ejaculating. They call it curdling, right? You curdle it. Yeah, what the f...

He's fucking disgusting, Red Band. Settle them. Put the mic down. You're... Red Band's the nastiest encyclopedia. He really is. And I'm here next to him every week. Jesus Christ. He always has a term for everything disgusting

in the world. Curdling. Ugh, God. Yeah, curdling's crazy. So, why are you doing this? And how does this six foot one woman like that? That doesn't seem fun for her at all. It's like cheat. You know what I mean?

You gotta keep the energy inside you. And so, like, you just, I just choose not to do it, not to bust. Yeah, fuck that, fuck that. You gotta be out. Yeah. You got it. I'm not holding nothing back.

Fuck, we're gonna go a month without commenting. No, we're not. Yeah. What's the longest you've gone without releasing the many children between your legs? I would probably say, I think it's 97 days. God. Oh my God. Wait a second. Stop.

Hold on. Full stop. Stop. Everybody just went home and fuck. What the fuck do you mean? The band went home and fuck. You didn't hook up with somebody, you didn't jerk off for 97 days? Yeah. Well, what happens't jerk off for 97 days? Yeah. Well, what happens at the end of 97 days? You have to just get a new place after that?

Jesus fucking Christ. That's like when a fire extinguisher explodes or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's getting it. He's getting it. Yeah. Oh, fuck. So what was that like after?

What made you finally, what happened on day 97 where you're like, I gotta just do this? Yeah, you know, you just, you know, I just found a little shorty. I gotta ask you this. Was it a, was there any chance it was a blowjob and this poor girl is just fucking basically bonging a beer of semen? What the fuck happens there? Was it sex? Did you just shoot or? Yeah, I mean it was definitely sex, but it's not as much as you'd think it'd be. Like it's pretty like regular. It just feels crazy. It's like I met it. I became Buddha. You know, like, I...

I transcended to another level. Wow. Yeah. 97 days. Well, we're all proud of you. Thank you. All right? We're all, like, thinking, that's a good thing. Maybe I'll try that. Starting tonight.

Starting tonight. Yeah, totally. I'm not coming to the Christmas. I'm telling you. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm're not coming to the Christmas, I'm telling you. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm never smoking another cigarette again. I'm done with it all. I'm jerking off in the hotel you got me tonight, by the way.

No doubt about it. Hell yeah. Mini bar, I'm going in there. Yep. I'm not gonna come in the mini bar. Yeah, it's a good time. I'm gonna drink the mini bar. Right.

Yeah. That'd be weird, wouldn't it? Someone came in the mini bar. Yeah. Like, um, fucking Carrotop's done killed Tony. Fucking came in the minibar. He left a fucking mousetrap. Yeah. I don't know.

Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show again. Law Coger has done it again. A fantastic rising comedy star. Awesome. And on and on it goes, the great Locke Hoger. Spring is here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken Parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets.

See app for details. Christopher Nolan, Bong Joon Ho, Sean Baker. They have all won the Academy Award for Best Director. What else do they have in common? They all got their start at the Slamdance Film Festival, just like us. Hi, I'm Jana Gallagher. And I'm Michael Gallagher.

And we're launching the Slamdance First Film podcast. It's a weekly interview series where we sit down with your favorite filmmakers to get a mini master class in the secrets to making your first feature film. On the Slamdance First Film podcast, you will listen to guests like filmmaker Sean Baker, the writer and director of Enora,

teach you how to make a movie for $3,000 with a two-person crew. Or listen to the Russo Brothers, directors of Avengers Avengers Endgame teach you about how melding minds with your collaborators can create exponential success Subscribe to the slam dance first film podcast for free on Apple podcast Spotify or wherever you're listening now And we are on to our next bucket pool. It is a one-word name. Those are always Shockingly interesting, we find, in the 12 years of this show.

So let's see if this one keeps the tradition alive. Make some noise for Shino. S-H-I-N-O. Here's Shino, everybody. ["Shino's My High School Nickname"] Shino is my high school nickname. My full name is Sean Shino- my high school nickname. My full name is Sean Shinohara. My father, Masanori Shinohara, was born and raised in the largest city on planet earth.

Largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet. Anybody know what city I'm talking about? Any anime fans? Tokyo, Japan. And can I take a second to appreciate the fact that if you had just stayed in Tokyo, Japan. And can I take a second to appreciate the fact that if you had just stayed in Tokyo, I'd be fully Japanese right now and not this half-Mexican abomination. And what, I'm in construction? No, no, no.

If I was born in Tokyo, I'd have been, like, a computer programmer or Pokemon designer or samurai. Yeah, those are all real applications in Tokyo. Those are all real applications. Interviews are free. Fuck around. Find out. You might wind up Lord of the Shogunate, like Lord Turanaga. My Shogun fans.

But no, he didn't stay. He didn't stay. When he was 25 years old, he moved from the largest, arguably most interesting city on the face of the planet, right? To where, right? To Corpus Christi, Texas.

Corpus Christi, Texas. You know what's in Corpus? You know what's in Corpus, huh? A whole bunch of Mexicans. A whole slew of Mexicans, and eventually, right, Texas. Carpus Christi, Texas. You know what's in Carpus? You know what's in Carpus, huh? A whole bunch of Mexicans. A whole slew of Mexicans. And eventually, right? Eventually, he knocked up some Mexican, my mom or whatever. Otosan! Naze watashi wo Mizutate no desu ka? All right, the bear has joined the chat. Hello, Sheen-O, am I saying that correctly?

Sheen-O, yeah, it's good. Sheen-O, hi. It's good, it's good. I had great hair till you showed up. Fuck, it's good hair. Kierta, wow! I love the reveal with the comedians. It's me, Reba McIntyre, good to see you.

She's let herself go. Oh my God, oh my God. She looks like shit, She should hydrate. I love it. Welcome to the Chanel. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just started, Tony. Necessarily.

When you say you just started, what do you mean? I moved on Halloween to Austin to do this, man. On Halloween? Mm-hmm. It's been 23 Mondays, Tony. It's been 25 Tonys, because sometimes you have two in one day. Uh-huh. Okay. So you have counted.

Very good. I got the braces at home. And here you are. You finally made it, and that's the minute that you had prepared. You had 23 weeks to possibly come up with more or something different, and that's what you did. It's good. We know who you are. You're definitely half Japanese, half Mexican.

You love rice of all kinds. What do you do for work? Uh, I'm unemployed. You're unemployed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you survive? I worked a lot before I came here. I was just like, I'm gonna come to Austin.

I'm gonna fucking... I worked a lot. I was like, I'm gonna save up, and I'm a venture. What? I'm gonna save up, save money. You saved up. How... What did you do to save money? I do construction. Okay. What type of construction? I'm a lot. I was like, I'm gonna save up, and I'm a venture. What? I'm gonna save up. Save money. You saved up. How, what did you do to save money? I do construction. Okay. What type of construction?

I'm a glazer. I do commercial glass installation. Okay. I'm on the side of a building 85 floors up on a swing stage. Oh shit. Yeah. Wow. That is incredible. Man stuff. And how much money did you save up to move to Austin? I need to buy a construction shirt. Leave my loan.

Yeah. It's enough. You know, actually, you know what? I have started driving for Uber. I was running low on... Let's go back to my original question. All right. How much money did you save? Like 10 grand.

And then like... So you saved 10 grand. That was Halloween. And I was like, you know what? It's going to take me two months to get on Kill Tony. No, it's been a long time. Okay. So you saved 10 grand,

and that was Halloween, right? Yes. So you've just been blowing through that since you got here grand on, and that was Halloween, right? Yes. So you've just been blowing through that since you got here? No, no, no. I have savings. I'm 45 years old, Tony. I graduated from Texas A&M 20 years ago, bro.

Again, that's one of the local regular audience members cracking up. He laughs at the funniest things. There's something about saying that you graduated from Texas A&M 20 years ago, really got him. So you saved a bunch of money. What do you spend your money on, Chenow? I don't, I don't spend money, man. What's your living situation? Okay, I moved here to an Airbnb, right? I rented the master bedroom it has his own bathroom right and then like after the first month I was like hey bro let's go off let's forget about Airbnb let's just do our own thing so

I'm just renting a room in this house. Look Tony I've done a lot of things in my life I've taught English in Thailand I've graduated from I didn't want to do any of those things Tony this is the first time I've ever had a clear goal in my life I moved to Austin for this, Tony. You turned really Japanese right then. The Japanese side really came out. Did you guys notice that? He was kind of just American. Arigato.

So you moved to Austin specifically to become a star on Kill Tony. Have you been practicing? Have you been doing other open mics? It's a long story, Tony, but uh. It's so bizarre that people just wait and don't practice. It's like if you went to go perform at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee and it's like, I'll just wait to learn guitar there.

I'm gonna pick up a guitar when I get there in Nashville and I'm gonna show them. You when I get there in Nashville and I'm gonna show them. You could do, there's literally open mics fucking everywhere every night. There's like 15 a night minimum here within blocks of each other. And you've chosen not to. I was doing those Tony, I did them for a long time

for the first like till January. And then like it'd been like 15 Mondays and I was just like, ah. You're like, this has been'd been, like, 15 Mondays, and I was just like, oh! You're like, this has been two months. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. Dude, open mics are... I need an audience, Tony. Okay.

You need jokes first, then the audience will come. Red man. There you go. I wasn't funny? I wasn't funny? It is true. You're a little bit, you have your business a little out of order.

I'm gonna give you a joke you can do. Ha ha ha ha. So when you go out, you have a, what the fuck, let's find a good one, shit. There's not been a good one yet. So when you go out, you say, so this is for redneck women so they can still feed their babies and still smoke.

We're gonna watch the... We're gonna watch the Price is Right. See, the kids... the kids... Ah, fuck. If it's not working with him, oh, shit. Lipstick stains. You know, he actually has a... He's half Japanese, half Mexican,

so you have a little eating utensil. You have an eating utensil that would work. This is a thermometer holder, so you get the right one. So... Oh, what the fuck? You don't want your mom to give you the wrong one. We're getting to the bottom of this case, folks. Yeah.

Check your temperature. I got the shitty one. It's getting real scary at the bottom of this trunk. You know, the sad thing is I had to make... I'm just drilling a fucking hole in the... Seriously, I'm backstage. What are you doing? I'm just drilling a hole in this fucking baby's asshole. But it's gonna be great on Kill Tony.

Oh! This is so fucking awesome. You're getting to the bottom of the box. It is kind of... It is getting kind of desperate. It's getting wacky down there. Chanel, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Give us something that makes you...

sets you apart from everybody that's ever been pulled out of this bucket before. There must be something that's happened to you or that you've done or something that you've seen in your life. What's the craziest shit? You're a guest on a podcast right now. Your stand-up part sucked,

and you can save it all right now. Okay, well, like I said, I taught English in Thailand, but that wasn't the most craziest thing I've seen. I've been to prison twice in Texas. What? Yeah, man, you see the crazy way to open man. What did you say? You've been to what? Prison twice? For what? Drinking and driving. What comedians get? You know. Both times? Wait, do you just say comedians? Hold on, there's so much happening. You just related to comedians by saying that we get caught drinking and driving a lot? Not these days, because there's Uber and stuff,

but my last DWA was 11 years ago, so like, you know what I'm saying? But how did you go to prison twice for DUI? Well, Tony, you get enough of them, they send you to prison. How many did you get? I got four. First two?

My god. I got two. OK, look, look. I got two at university, and I graduated right. I came to Houston to do sales and marketing. You get caught a lot, so you drink like a Mexican and you drive like a Japanese guy. That was...

Solid. Solid. There's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. Solid. This guy's shocked, by the way, for some reason that he got a little joke book and I said his sets suck. He's absolutely shocked right now. I like... Chaneau, do you think you did like great or something? Help me to

understand. Did I do good or no? Yeah you did great. There you go buddy. Oh there he goes. I like that. I like that, I like that. Hey, Heidi. Hi. The ginger palate cleanser of this show. I like that he said, you know, all comedians, that was the best part, like, you know comedians that get drunk. Yeah, you know us comedians, always getting drunk, drinking and driving.

You know Cosby puts something in my drink. All comedians put things in my drink. You gotta put the pudding. All right. All right. This looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Kimberly Coaster.

That was funny. That line was so goddamn funny. You can drive like a giant. Whoo! Oh, when I see a hot guy, I'm like, damn. I could have gave birth to him. Probably screwed his dad in college. Damn. I could have gave birth to him. Probably screwed his dad in college.

You know, I do get hit on a lot. I wonder if men have a menopause fetish. Damn, that cougar could tear me up. I would tear you up. Because I'm dry as fuck. audience laughter applause I-I-I- You would have more pleasure rubbing your wiener

on a cheese grater. audience laughter I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out. audience laughter Um. I spread my knees, tumbleweeds roll out. Um... Last guy came up coughing, and, you know... I... They sent a canary into the cavern.

He's dead. It's all dead inside. Fucking amazing, Kimberly. Thank you. He's dead. It's all dead inside. Whoo! Fucking amazing, Kimberly. That was fine. Thank you. So good. Again, I don't want to... I don't want to seem like I'm hating on the women.

It is so rare that we get a funny female bucket pull. I don't know if it's ever really happened before where we've had two hilarious women pulled out of the bucket on one side. Oh, thank you. Very funny. Thank you. I know Molly too. That dry pussy joke really caught us all off guard. Self-deprecating and perfectly put. I mean I don't think anybody saw that coming. Fantastic. How long you been on stand-up? Four years. Awesome. Where at? I started in Denver. I just moved to Austin in January.

Congratulations. Thank you. You moved here for stand-up comedy? Say that again? For stand-up? Yes. Well, yes. Also, you know, I just became a single mom. Sorry, an empty nester. Uh-huh.

And, you know, I just... How many kids have you had? I have two boys in their 20s. Okay. And they're out and about. They're out and about. They're coming up next. Yeah. What do they do? Well, one of them moved to Oregon,

and the other one is... He's growing pot. Yeah, probably. Yeah. And the other one is joining the Army. He actually goes to boot camp in two weeks. We love it. We love it. Patriots. We love the army. He actually goes to boot camp in two weeks. We love it. We love it. Patriots.

We love the army. We love our country. It's good to have a great military. Not necessary to always have to use it. So here we are, Kimberly, and now you get to be, you know, you're single? I am. I've been single for 15 years.

Awesome. Awesome. Okay, again, the same girls that cheered for the big dick purse are going wild right now. Who woulda guessed? I became a single mom when they were five and seven. Okay, so the father's black? I'm sorry, Carrot Top, there's parts where Carrot Top has to duck down so that he doesn't lose

his residency in Vegas. Like, get in your trunk, Carrot Top. Get in the trunk. I'm gonna pull you out of the trunk. I got one for you guys. You're gonna love it. It's Carrot Top. I love it. We're having fun here.

He's Mexican. Oh, okay, yep. That's close. That was close. That's one level. All right. Yep. So, Kimberly. Kimberly, I love it. What's your date? How do you date?

What's your situation? Because you seem like a little fucking... You seem like you got a little feistiness, a little horniness to you. You seem like a real fucking... You seem like you have a little fire behind those eyes. Well, I don't know, I used to date a lot, but I had this six month rule,

and my kids were little. I would only date someone for six months before I let them meet my kids. That makes sense. And you know, at six months, I was like, they are not worthy of meeting my kids. So I had a lot of six-month relationships. Did you meet the guy earlier that didn't come

for a year and a half? What? Right? I missed that. What did you say? The guy that earlier said he didn't come for like two years. Oh, yeah. You're like, curdling? Yeah.

Okay, right. It's so gross. So none of these guys that you've been with since the baby daddy or the baby Padre I guess we would say. Is that the right word? Yep good job. Na na na na na na na na na. Okay so you haven't dated anyone longer than six months. How about just banging? You ever have a good one-night stand?

Oh occasionally. Did you hear the pitch that she went to? Yeah. She had a flashback there for a second. Ah! Ooh. Ow. Amazing.

Hell yeah, you're a little funny Kimberly Coaster Cougar. What do you do for fun now, Kimberly, now that you're a Texan? You know, I do like karaoke, and I'm afraid to say that because I don't want you to need to sing. I would never. No. I would never. Love Shack, baby. That's what I... They always sing that fucking thing, you know?

Love Shack. Love Shack. With the love...shack. Sorry, I donack. With the love shack. Sorry, I don't know what the fuck happened. You're in the zone. I love it. I was Fred Schneider for about two seconds there. Yeah. In Colorado, I had the... As big as a whale!

And in the back, it said sail. Sorry, sorry, I'll stop. Baw-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- We would go around to every karaoke place, and you'd always know the same people. It was like... But I'm trying to find that here. That is so cute. You're such a sweet lady. I bet you find it just fine here. I hope so.

Have you been to the karaoke places around here? Jackalopes after Kill Tony. You need to try... What's that fucking... Egos on Congress? Yeah, you're gonna love it. The place is a real fuckin' little just divey, crazy dump. I love a good dive bar. It is just a hot fuckin' dumpy, I mean, it is as Texas creepy karaoke as it gets.

The people there fuckin' are there every night. It's the same people. You will fall in love with this place. You drink? Yeah. I love it. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.

I love it. Okay, relax you little fucking. There's a dumb slut in the middle of the room. Okay, we're having fun here. Kimberly, anything else crazy about your life we should know about you before we let you go? You know, I think my apartment's haunted. Ooh, tell us more.

I was, um, I was practicing yodeling, and the- Oh, my God. You're haunted. Yeah. I didn't, you know, and this light just kept flashing on and off, and it hasn't done it before or since. And I don't know if it likes yodeling or if it hated yodeling. Well, let's see. We need to hear you yodel.

Let's see if you can make the lights flash here. Ladies and gentlemen, she's not gonna sing karaoke, but one of the first-ever comedians to yodel in Killtony history. You never know what could happen here on Kiltoni. One second we're laughing, the next we're yodeling. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kimberly Coaster. Okay.

Yodel-ay-ay-ay yolo-o-o Yodel-ay-ay-ay yolo-o-o Yodel-ay-ay-ay yolo-o-o Whoa, it's haunted. Yodel-ay-ay-ay yolo-oolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, yolo, I need to sign up again. This is a big joke book. Kimberly Coaster, everybody, making her Kill Tony debut. That was great. So much fun. Let's get the one more bucket pull.

We'll make it fast, because we're in overtime now. It's an extra long, fun episode. How about one more time for Carrot Top? We're having fucking fun here tonight. This is so much fun. I built it into that. This is even, this is so, this is literally better than I even expected it to be.

I thought it would be this much fun, but it's literally better. I thought it'd be a lot better, actually. You gotta be honest. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket full of the night goes by the name of Charlie Mack, everyone. Charlie Mack. Charlie Mack. Charlie Mack.

Charlie Mack. Charlie Mack. Charlie Mack. Oh shit, fuck yeah. Make some noise one more time for Charlie Mack, everybody. Yeah. Great. So much fun.

Okay, Austin, I see you. I just moved to Austin, and this place is amazingly terrifying. No, I've been scared since I got here. I ain't know nothing about this area. They gave me a ride. I said, where we going? They said, this 6th Street. I said, no, I know Gotham City when I see Gotham City.

No, 6th Street is dangerous out here. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else.

I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else.

I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else.

I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else It's crazy. Oh, oh, you guys are just so brave for sitting in the front. Know what I'm just saying? That's because my last show, I fell off the stage. Took out the whole front.

I don't know why y'all laughing. The way my body built, I bounced. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, he has arrived. Charlie Mack has joined the fray. Holy shit, Charlie. Oh, you're going to fit in just fine around here. My goodness. For a second, I thought the curtain fell off the back

and started floating to the front, and then I realized it was a human being. They always think I'm security. I got $20 today. You are something else. Yeah, you are very fucking funny. How long you been doing standupup? Uh, six years. All of it in Houston?

No, I live in Austin. Oh, you live in Austin. So how long have you lived in Atlanta? Atlanta? Oh. If you want to pick a black city, at least pick mine. I'm from Chicago. Yeah. All right. If you're gonna pick a black city, at least pick mine. I'm from Chicago. Yeah! All right.

That makes sense. You look like both a bull and a bear, so this is perfect. Okay. This is a show? I'm gonna let you live. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize Chicago had a black bean. Yes, that is a callback from one year and three months ago. That's right. And still the reigning defending knower of the bean is me.

Not a day goes by where I don't hear about this fucking bean moment. And finally, it comes back for a joke. I didn't even know the joke and it was funny. Someone was here, they said they saw the bean in Chicago. I said, what the fuck's the bean? The crowd fucking freaked out at me. Turns out I was the only person in the world

that had somehow, even though I've been to Chicago a hundred times, never saw the bean, never heard of the bean, it just completely avoided me my entire fucking life. Anytime anybody talked about the bean, I wasn't in the room, I've never seen it, I've never heard of it. Now I see it every fucking day.

It's in the news every day, people tag me and shit, I get sent emails about the bean. The Empire State Building, the actual Empire State Building DM'd me. It has an account just like, they're like, I love, we love that you don't know the bean. If you ever want a free tour, you and the crew come to the Empire State Building.

I get hit up by other landmarks because they love that I don't know the beans. Fuck, I'm glad I asked. And now it comes full circle. They sent me here. The black bean. Yeah, that was so good. I love it.

I have 432 questions for you, Charlie. Let's go. So you've been in Santa, what was it, six or eight years? What was it? Six years. Six years. And you're from Chicago. I've been living here about what was it, six or eight years? What was it? Six years. Six years, and you're from Chicago.

I've been living here about four years now. Okay, what made you move to Austin four years ago? Oh, y'all have good crack. No, I'm just kidding, I don't know. I don't know. No, I have family in Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio, and this was a central hub. I'm like, I can see everybody from here.

I love it, I love it. What do you do for work? Oh, I do fraud. I mean... Yeah. Thank God. He's good. I didn't mean to say that out loud. He's so good.

Ah. I'm in sales. Oh. It's okay. Ah, shit. Yeah, fuck. You're funny. Fuck, he's okay. Oh, shit. Fuck. Fuck, he's funny. He's very funny.

Do you really do sales? No, I do comedy full time. Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I can see that. How many times have you signed up for the show? Like, this is my fourth time. Okay. Thank goodness we got you out of there. I was like, what, did y'all not see my name? Charlie Mack. Yes. Thank goodness we got you out of there. Yeah, I was like, what, did y'all not see my name?

Charlie Mack. Yes. Yeah, Big Mac. Did you say Big Mac or Big Back? Both would apply here. That's what my daughter calls me. I love it. Yeah, she remade Dora the Explorer's song.

I come in, she go, Big Back, Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks as big back big. I love it. He's so good. I love it. What do you do for fun in Texas? A lot of stuff, but nothing. But listen.

I'm an author, and I actually brought books for y'all. I make adult, well, children's books for adults. You make what books for adults? Children's books for adults. Oh, I love this. Yeah, and I brought you guys some. Okay. Can y'all bring the books out?

Hi. Thank you. Oh my God. Hey, you're stealing my act. Oh, sorry. This is incredible. Man, Fuck Them Kids by Charlie Mack. This is hilarious.

Let me see this one. What is this one? Ah, fuck. Fuck Them Kids. This one's a candidate crib. It's called Lay Your Ass Down and Shut the Fuck Up. Oh my God. That's great. That's great. Incredible. That's great. That's great.

Absolutely amazing. Am I missing one? There's just two, right? No, just two. Just two. I got the hard copy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there is a hard copy. I got the hard copy. I love it. Yeah. Oh, that's not for you. I got the original. Wow. That is amazing.

Read the first page on Man Fuck Them Kids. Okay, perfect. No, whatever you want me to do, I will do. Charlie, that is I'm taking orders from you. Whatever you say, I will do. First of all, the first page says, to all pedophiles, I truly apologize for the misleading title. Laughter

Applause Cheers Wow. Charlie fucking Matt. That is so fucking good. Yeah, so good. Now you gotta see the second page. I mean, this is unbelievable.

I'm gonna read it. You start with that. I'm just gonna read it. It's gotta be great, right? I don't know how to read, though. I gotcha, I gotcha. These kids are... Look, see, it's adorable. It's like actual pictures of kids, and it says, These kids are bad as fuck.

Parents aren't whooping ass enough. If you're slow, you should know I'm here to catch you up. Grab a belt, grab a switch, or even grab a shoe. And if they start acting bad, you should know just what to do. That's good. Parents nowadays, they are soft as baby shit. Just know I'm beating ass if you let me babysit.

That's so good. I'm gonna read it. You know, I'm not gonna read the whole thing, because I want you to sell these things. How can people buy them? Where can people find your books at? Uh, www.funnycharlemac.com. Funnycharlemac.com.

Wow. You are a fucking superstar. You're built for this shit. This is absolutely incredible. Thank you, thank you. I love it, man. That's so cool. What else do you do?

What do you do for fun? Um, I work out, believe it or not. Really? Not a joke! What do you do? Run the jewels? I just lost 160 pounds, Tony. Oh my God. Oh, my God. I was actually, uh, this isn't a joke,

but I was hypnotized and I went vegan. Oh, wait a second. Yes. Yes. My friend Hypno Goddess, she's a comedian and a hypnotist, and she hypnotized me. I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney. But listen. No, for real, but she did hypnotized me. I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney, but listen. No, you have to have your kidney. No, for real, but she did hypnotize me,

and I haven't eaten meat since last May. Isn't that wild? Hypnotize was also one of your hit songs back in the day, wasn't it? Yeah. Baby, baby. Yeah. It was all a dream.

Oh, good. I used to eat nothing but ice cream. Look at you now, Charlie Mack. Have you eaten some of the local cuisine around here? Have you been to, like, Terry Blackist or anything like that? Is that a real place? I heard the word black. I don't know, like... Yeah. Oh, no, I haven't. Okay.

We're gonna get you there. I make a lot of my own stuff. Really? Yeah, I just buy it from H-E-B and... Oh, another H-E't. Okay. We're gonna get you there. I make a lot of my own stuff. Really? Yeah, I just buy it from H-E-B and... Oh, another H-E-B shout out. I love it. We love H-E-B around here. Um, I love it, Charlie Mack. My goodness. I, uh, yeah.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with you, Charlie Mack? We already have a David Lucas, but I meant... You are fun. Yeah! That's right. We'll just call it. You're a golden ticket winner. Congratulations.

There you go. Boom. The golden ticket winner. Congratulations. There you go. Go. Joining the exclusive club of wildly successful comedians. You will now be famous. You will sell a lot of books. And we're sending you straight upstairs right now to perform in the longer set. And the little boy set the full-time talent booker, the best talent booker in all of comedy, Adam Eaget, formerly of The Comedy Store, now of The Mothership.

He's gonna watch you do a longer set, and perhaps you can become a more full-time comedian here at The Mothership. I'm ready to roll. You fucking did it. Here's the big joke book. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen, you saw his Kill Tony debut. Get on with it. Here's the big joke book. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen, you saw his Kill Tony debut. He's gonna be at the Secret Show on Thursday.

I'm not gonna be on the Secret Show on Thursday. He's doing the Secret Show as well. And there you go. That's how it happens. They're all discovered here, out of the bucket, a fucking perfect episode of Kill Tony. And ladies and gentlemen, what a special moment this is. William Montgomery went to go see one of his favorite bands tonight.

But in his place, I present to you a young man who just so happens to be the talk of all of Los Angeles, all of the industry, all of Austin, Texas, truly a freak of nature, and one day, very soon, will be an American citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari.E.Megatty! What's up?

Any fat people here? You're fine. I mean like medical fat. He was fucking fat. I have one fat fuck friend. His name is Matt Fat Fuck. One day we were talking and I noticed that me and Matt, you know, we have to use the same toilet bowl. And I noticed that the distance from Matt's cock to his asshole is quite a journey. So I ask Matt, what do you do? Do you just fucking shove it in there? And fat fuck Matt goes, no, I gotta choose. So I ask Matt, okay, so if you go poopy, if you go poopy, does it sometimes happen that piss flies out too

onto the floor and shit? Matt looks at me, he goes, oh yeah, all the time. That's what I respect about Matt. That even though he's cleaning up his own piss, he's like fucking worth it. And he's like, fucking worth it. And then he goes, you think that's bad? Matt goes, sometimes I come home and I fucking bloody eat so much shit that I every hole shit piss and puke,

and he has to sit in the bathtub and just fool Coachella. Just fucking. Heh. Now that should be the McDonald's commercial. Fuck the hot yoga girl with a burger. Oh, my God, Maccas. Heh.

Put my fat fuck friend Matt in the tub of his own shit piece of puke and let the camera pan out. And he just looks at the camera, still loving it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. The iconic Ari Mati with the new two minutes and 50 seconds. Let the record show that he does it every week,

and meanwhile, he does extremely long sets, flexing above and beyond even the parameters of the show with long, brand-new fresh off the fucking presses bits. You've done it yet again, my friend. What's up, Tony? What's up, Brian? Hello, Garrett. Hello. I love it.

You called him by only his first name. You know, I was the one that was going to wear a Texas shirt to suck up to the crowd, but now someone else wore a Texas shirt. Look at you. Can't have too much Texas. You're very funny. Thanks. Very funny. Thanks.

Very funny. Yeah, we've been having fun here all night. Wow. What's that? No, I was looking at the thing. What do we got in there, Carrot Top? I don't have props. Anything else you want to blow through before?

Maybe, let's see. Hold on. Because this is it. Ari's the last comedian. Hold on. Oh, this is a good one. Okay, here we go. Hold on, let me get my mother mic. She showed the black girl mic. Ari's sneaking in there. You better keep an eye on him. You can pick one out and guess, that'd be fun.

Oh yeah, that's a good one. There you go. Black baby! Oh hey, what is that? No, that's a great game, now what is that? I don't remember what it is either. What do you think that is, Carrot Top? That's a good baby.

Oh, shh, shh. Don't shake the baby. No. So it's close though. It's, it's, it's, well here, I'll, I think, I just fucking give. Here, let it, let it. That would have been better than what I would have done.

Give it back to Carrot Top. No, I just say, it's just the way you can, you can also make a drink and shut your kid up. Like fucking shut the fuck up. If you want to make a drink. Hold on, one more. I made a shake weight that has a piece of plexiglass in case it shoots off when you're doing it.

Wait, it's got a better ending. Hold on. I made one for Asian guys. I want to offend everybody! That's the whole key. This is so awesome. Oh my God, right? Look at that shit. I'm making... Oh fuck.

I've been cancelled. No, you have not. I'm in time out. This is the second coming. Trust me, take it from me. Getting cancelled is a huge boost to you. You can be done. You can be done. I don't want them to find out. I don't want the mainstream to find out,

but getting canceled is like a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So I should hope. We should be canceled, like, should be done, and I should be finished. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Ha-ha. Ari Mati, anything else crazy happening with you? Well, okay. You know I got bad luck. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Ha-ha. Two hours in Florida, Fort Myers, I found out that the show that...

Do you know who Tito Ortiz is? Tito Ortiz? Tito Ortiz, former light heavyweight champion, UFC. Yes. Apparently he owns a bar called Tito's Cantina. And the person from Florida tells me, if you drive past this bar and you see a white Rolls Royce outside, that means Tito's in the building. I drive past, Rolls Royce is there, I go to the bar, motherfucking Tito. Tito and three people, they're watching the UFC.

So I sit down, find out they have a raffle. Raffle! I love a raffle. You know what a raffle is? You win shit. There's three other people at the bar. I'm gonna win this fucking raffle. Yeah.

I go to Tito, Tito! What's the prize? He goes, it's a bottle of vodka. I'm like, ah, okay. Then he goes, but the final prize after the pay-per-view is over, a championship belt. Wow.

And I see this fucking belt and I love belts. Listen, I love belts. I've always, I love belts. I love belts. I've always I love belts. I see your belt. I'm with you. OK, I'm with you. But it's a big like champion belt, you know. I never won in MMA. I'm on 0 and 3. So I need a fucking belt.

Me and a belt. I need that belt. Three people at the bar. Raffle belt championship. So I go, OK, how much the ticket? He goes, 10 bucks a raffle. One ticket. It's a no-brainer. I go, give me 30. Yeah.

Yeah. He goes, what? I go, give me 40. So I got... 40 tickets. I got 40 fucking raffle tickets. I spread them out at my bar, three other fucks. I'm getting this belt.

I spread them out at the bar, I take a selfie to my friends. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna be a champion. You know? I'm flying high-fiving Tito. Hell, yeah. So then... first round, they pull the vodka. Of course I win the vodka.

I have all the fucking tickets. Yeah. I'm guessing a bottle of Tito's. Yeah. And fuck the... Fuck the vodka. It's just spread out. I don't need the vodka. I don't have carry-on anyway. I want guessing a bottle of Tito's. Yeah. And fuck the vodka. It's just spread out. I don't need vodka. I don't have carry-on anyway. I want the belt. Exactly.

Dude, my flight is at 4 a.m. We wait till 2 a.m. for the final raffle. Those people leave. There's one guy sleeping at the bar. And my 40 fucking tickets. Tito puts his hand in the bucket. Guess what? The guy wins.

Ah, fuck. Literally, they wake him up. Oh my God. They put the belt on him. $400, dude, fuck you. I didn't even get a picture with Tito. Dude, today Tito posts, our champ at Tito's Cantina last night

takes a picture with the retard. He goes, everyone had a great night. Oh, did they? Where's my fucking beltie? I didn't even get a t-shirt. Look, this is me and my raffles. This is me and my raffles. That is a lot. This is me and my fucking raffles.

We're gonna put it on the screen in the YouTube version. We gotta, you have to send those to Red Band. That is so fucking funny. Is it a scam? They have one belt they use every week, I bet. You know who's the guy? That's why the guy's sleeping. Fucking Tito. He's just chilling. He's just gotta guy's sleeping. Fucking teetot. He's just chilling.

He's just gotta be there. And then they put the belt back up again. Oh my God, look at that idiot. Oh my God. Yeah, dude, I would look... Dude, imagine today I come out... Fuck! Oh, that would have been great.

That would have been great. 40 to 1! Fuck my life! Well, you know, we've done a raffle here, and I think there's something in there. There's gotta be one more thing that we can win. Remember, we're getting to the bottom of this thing. I love it. I love the bottom. For some reason, I like the bottom more than...

Oh, well. Busted. Oh, fuck. I like the bottom more. So, when you run out of gas, right? Yeah. So, when you run out of gas, right, you look like a dick when you're walking down the street, like, hey, help me, can you help me get gas? You fucking dumb shit, right?

Yeah. No one's gonna pick you up, so I made this. So you put the gas can inside here, and then you hold that, and you're like, hey, you wanna help me? And then... Genius. and you put the gas can inside here, and then you hold that, and you're like, hey, you wanna help me? And then they go, he's got, I'm just trying to get Budweiser to be a sponsor.

Yeah, that's brilliant. That was the only reason I was. Brilliant. Well, I already have Bud, like, I already found him. That's amazing. You guys, honestly, and I'm not just saying this shit, you guys are a fucking awesome crowd, man. We had so much fun with you.

I can't, I can't imagine, I really can't thank you for having me. This has been Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace, Shopify, Tacoviz, and Zippercruder. One more time for the great Ari Matty. Ari! Thank you, brother. Future American Citizen and UFC Championship Belt Holder. The great Ryan J. E. Belt has an amazing drawing that's in as always every week while we are here. He draws our guests.

That's an on the spot painting of Carrot Top. And let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Chris Rogers drawing Chris Rogers. I love it. Oh my God. You're really good at drawing yourself, Chris. You nailed that. You know your face very well.

Amazing. Chris Rogers Art, he's in the lobby slinging merch and whatnot. Guys, catch him at Luxor, a residency of over 30 years, 40-plus years as a comedian. How loud can this place get one more time for the great Carrot Top everybody? Come on! Unbelievable stunning performance.

We love it. Carrot Top has joined Love Shack Baby! The Kill Tony universe. Thank you to Talk Space, Shopify, Tacovus and ZipRecruiter. What an unbelievable show. One more time, congratulations to Charlie Mack,

another Golden Ticket winner, is joining our extraordinarily large family, and he's an extraordinarily large man. Red band? Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. We're doing a lot of stuff people. Madison Square Garden.

I'm doing standup there with the killers of Kill Tony, a rare absolute super union. Where me and the superstars of the show doing standup together. And of course, Madison Square Garden night two in August. We have it both nights. One night of standup comedy where I headlined and of course Madison Square Garden night two in August. We have it both nights. One night of standup comedy where I headline

with my new unbelievably, I mean I just have to say it's so well written and so well performed this new hour that I'm doing. And Kill Tony the next night. A new annual tradition. Madison Square Garden and Killtony coming together. I love you guys, thank you all so much. God bless this audience and God bless

the United States of America. Thank you, good night. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets! you you you you you