KILL TONY - KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello! Do you see me? England? London? It's me, the Young King, here with the Prime Rib Minister, Brian Redban, inviting you to the lovely O2 arena for one night only, June 7th.

Starting point is 00:00:47 That's enough. It's enough. Too much sauerkraut for you. Your hat. Get in front of the side. You baffled. That's why you're not true royalty. Hey, this is your only chance to see us

Starting point is 00:01:09 on the other side of the world because we're pure blood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But we are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them, tonyhingecliff.com. And we'll see you there. For royalty waits for no one. Somebody put on some Elton John. Ooh. Oh, You too? Ho ho! I'm gonna go get some beer. Whoo! Hey, this is Rhett, back coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:02:40 For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"]

Starting point is 00:02:52 ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"]

Starting point is 00:03:02 ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] ["Kill Tony Hitchcock"] We made it! Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen, and that is the best damn band in the land. The great Carlos Sosa over there on horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Nachos Belgrande, Belvita Chalupa, that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike.

Starting point is 00:03:33 He gets a little bit bigger every week. That is the mutilator, Matt Mueling, on the electric guitar. The great John Dease is back on the keys. He's been on tour, crushing it, and on bass tonight joining us though with perfect vision. The man can see this is Nick Lewis joining the band tonight, Deep Magnus with a very rare night off. How much fun is this? We are here, we are live,

Starting point is 00:04:01 so exciting. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. So you're hosting the family barbecue this week, but everyone knows your brother is the grill guy, and it's highly likely he'll be backseat barbecuing all night. So be it. Impress even the toughest of critics with freshly prepared Canadian barbecue favorites from Sobeys. At Starbucks, we serve cold coffee just the way you like it.

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Starting point is 00:05:19 Well then let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another one guest episode, and that means that that means that I think that there's enough action packed in this one solitary guest that we're going to have the goddamn time of our lives. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest guests in the show's history. We haven't been able to get him on since before the pandemic

Starting point is 00:05:45 because he's a global international superstar. And it ain't easy booking these people on a Monday night, but we got him tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world currently on a global, huge fucking tour. Make some noise for one of my favorite comedians. This is Jimmy Carr, everybody.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Yeah, that's right. That is correct. The people on their feet are correct. Those are good fans. Yes. The great Jimmy Carr is back on Kiltoni. The American tour, Australia, New Zealand and Europe, Jimmy Carr with two Rs dot com. The man, the myth, roast god, super comedian And when him and I get together,

Starting point is 00:06:45 we tend to have what we would call a hoot nanny. Well, yes, indeed. It's an honor and a privilege for you to have me here. Ha-ha-ha-ha. We're going to have fun. Jimmy, you know the show very well. Yes, it's... And over 230 comedians

Starting point is 00:07:01 signed up for the chance to be here tonight. If I pulled their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, and we have a lot of fun. We meet them all together.

Starting point is 00:07:17 This is going to be great. This is cause for celebration. Look at that. Absolutely. One third of the Horn section are in remission. LAUGHTER One third of the horn section are in remission. LAUGHTER It is... It is incredible. Let's enjoy them while we have them. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:07:44 Two of them have cancer. One of them's certainly gonna be deported to El Salvador any day now. There's a lot to worry about over there. Let's go to this illegal immigrant and let him pick the first name. Right off the top, that's what kind of bucket pool you are. All right, normally you people work a little bit harder,

Starting point is 00:08:02 but okay. We're gonna start with that name. We're gonna go wrangle that person from the bar next door. And while that person gets informed that they are about to be on the biggest comedy on YouTube and Netflix, ladies and gentlemen, to get us warmed up here tonight, this is a brand new minute

Starting point is 00:08:22 from one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Here to flex off another new minute of material, make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. ["The Greatest Showman"] Cool, what's up? Okay, okay, okay. I get, I get really

Starting point is 00:08:51 emotionally attached after sex, so sex workers hate me. They're like, like, quit calling. I'm like, I just want to talk. Come on. You know, a deer lose their antlers

Starting point is 00:09:10 because of low testosterone, so don't ever give a guy a hard time for not being able to keep it up, because it could fall off, you know? It could be way worse, you know? And it's tough for the deer. They can't hide that. It's obvious to everyone that they're a pussy ass bitch.

Starting point is 00:09:31 Oh. Fuck yeah. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, with another new minute, again and again and again. Yes. Not afraid to come out and get the show started. Welcome Carr is your first time seeing Martin? Yeah, you seem nervous you're shaking a lot You're here I'm nervous around you And I I don't wanna I know I speak with an English accent, but I think it's a little bit pretentious to do the whole Stephen Hawking thing

Starting point is 00:10:05 Hey, I can walk That is that is perhaps not the not the greatest of flexes, but yeah Not a bad file. So... This guy's great. He's great. We call him Stephen Walking. Oh, geez.

Starting point is 00:10:35 I think we can put that on the poster. He's a walking, talking Stephen Hawking. Cool. That is Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. That is a bad ass fucking, that's merch for days. A walking talking Stephen Hawking. I was weirdly good friends with Stephen Hawking.

Starting point is 00:10:57 You were? Yeah, we were pretty close. We used to spend a lot of time together and he could take a joke. Really? He came to see a show of mine once in Cambridge and the rest of the audience were so uncomfortable around him just because I said that you know when he dies it's probably going to be a you know a virus of one kind or another. God bless his little heart.

Starting point is 00:11:21 How long you been doing stand-up? long time, like a decade or more. Hell yeah. You're fucking good. Oh thanks. Let me ask you a question because now I'm interested. Was Stephen Hawking, when he was in your audience, was he typing like ha ha ha ha? Was he like making noise? He was trying to get out.

Starting point is 00:11:40 He was trying to back up out of there. My goodness. Martin, what else is going on this week? You found the dog! That's huge. I lost my dog. We found him. You guys might not know, but his dog got away. His dog escaped. We found this out last week or the week before.

Starting point is 00:12:02 Yeah, my friend was watching him. He got out, week or the week before. Yes, my friend was watching him. He got out. But luckily, homeless people picked him up. The homeless look after their own. And he lived in the encampment for like three days, and I don't know what the hell happened,

Starting point is 00:12:30 but he's back. He survived. So great. He probably saw some shit, but, you know, probably. And all he had was fleas, so could have been worse, you know? Could have been worse. Could've been worse. No doubt about it. Yeah, so a lot of people, you know, we can say what we will about the homeless people

Starting point is 00:12:52 of Austin, Texas, but go with me. Absolutely. And so someone told you that they saw your dog with homeless people? Yeah, I work with them. I got the dog from, like, a rescue lady who was helping me. And, yeah, somebody, she was,

Starting point is 00:13:08 there was a Walgreens where he got out. And somebody was like, Yeah, I see that dog with a homeless lady. And then that person dragged down the homeless lady, went to a couple encampments. It went to the underworld of Austin, like the other side people don't know about, you know? Wow.

Starting point is 00:13:32 So, yeah. Amazing. To be honest with you, I was making bets with Red Band that you were not going to be able to get your dog back. I thought the last person that will be able to get a lost dog is you, Martin Frost. Yeah, I mean, I didn't think I would find him, but he heard the jokes you made about him

Starting point is 00:13:52 getting hit by a car, and he wanted me to tell you, uh, fuck you. Right. I don't blame him. I deserve that. Yeah, and I showed him. I showed him a picture of you, and he was like, oh, I'm a dog. I know that's a bitch. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:14:11 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow, I know someone who's taking a few weeks off of the show. Hey, hey, hey. Andy, I didn't say that. Andy, that's it. Andy, Andy the dog.

Starting point is 00:14:32 That's, that's, that's is a big name. I, you're a cool guy. I love it. I can't believe you speak dog. It's interesting how God takes away some things and gives you other gifts. That's incredible. It's a blessing God takes away some things and gives you other gifts. That's incredible. It's a blessing and a curse.

Starting point is 00:14:48 Martin, you are a fucking international superstar. And you got the show started yet again. One more time for one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world, Martin Phillips, everybody. Spoiler alert, he's not nervous. He has cerebral palsy. Okay, this is to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Over 200 people, as you know. They have no idea that they're going up

Starting point is 00:15:11 until a name is pulled. You know, anything can happen here. It could be the next great comedian found right here. It could be a completely insane person. We're gonna meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Your first comedian of the night goes by the name of Solomon, everybody.

Starting point is 00:15:26 Solomon is first. -♪ -♪ Guys, we really need to stop calling women cows. It's really fucking them up. Yeah, seriously, there's scientific evidence that generational traumas change our DNA. So we've been calling them cows for so long,

Starting point is 00:15:50 they're turning into cows. It's not just the weight, they've started wearing these rings around their noses. And they're eating grass and taking shits on the streets, so no more cows. And also we need to stop shoving dicks in their mouths. You see, thousands of years of dick sucking is stretching the jaw. And now the mouths have grown so big it's really hard to shut them up.

Starting point is 00:16:18 And guys, you know why our bread smells so bad? It's the generational trauma of thousands of years of eating that stinking pussy. Thank you, that's my time. Solomon. Wow, what's going on over there? Why are you laughing like that, Solomon? What's going on?

Starting point is 00:16:40 You're sweating like, I've never seen anything like it before. You were dry when you came out here a minute ago. Yes. You are. Yeah, Jimmy. You're sweating like a child molested in court. Yeah. It is in court. Which is maybe an experience you've had.

Starting point is 00:16:59 Yeah. This is amazing. I've never seen anyone so wet on the show before. I know. I'm so wet I'm dripping. You're... You're... You're kind of gay, dude. What's going on, Solomon? You look like you're on the Indian... What is that? What do they call that?

Starting point is 00:17:23 It's like a Bollywood broke back mountain or something like that. Jimmy. What about clothes that fit? No? You are dressed like your outfit is painted on you. It's all very tight, unlike your asshole. Let's talk about it, Solomon. Are you straight or gay?

Starting point is 00:17:48 Straight. Really? Okay. Yes. Agree to disagree? Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Starting point is 00:17:55 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Starting point is 00:18:02 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Is this how gay I seem to everybody? Is that why? Yeah, it is? Oh my God, now I see why the jokes work so well. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Oh my God, look at the way you do the things with your hands, what is that? This is all incredibly gay. I don't know, it's the panel that brings it out. Okay, I don't know what you're saying. It's the what? I need a... The panel brought it out?

Starting point is 00:18:31 The fuck does that mean? People are asking genuine questions. They're like, Tony, I have a... It's amazing. So Solomon, how long have you been doing standup? About two years now. About two years. Agree to disagree? Ha ha ha! Psst! Psst!

Starting point is 00:18:49 Ha ha ha! Oh, you are the best, Jimmy Carr. So, Solomon, what are you talking about? What were you talking about the whole time? You were getting laughs. Like, very hard to understand. There's not a monitor, an earpiece, Solomon, what are you talking about? What were you talking about the whole time? You were getting laughs. Like, very hard to understand. There's not a monitor, an earpiece,

Starting point is 00:19:09 or anything in the world that could get me to fully understand the way you speak what you call English. Where are you from? Pakistan. Pakistan. How long have you been in America? 17, 18 years. Wow.

Starting point is 00:19:21 Do you think you speak English well? But barely. That's the right answer. I'm trying to. That's the correct answer. Okay, what do you do for work, Solomon? I drive a right-chair Uber lift. That seems like that's what you would do. Yes.

Starting point is 00:19:37 That seems absolutely. We were all thinking it. I'm glad you said it. Do you sweat like this while you're driving? Uh... Not really, but... You seem so happy. Are you happy?

Starting point is 00:19:55 Yes. Okay. What else brings you joy, Solomon? What else makes you happy in this world? Uh... Sorry, maybe I'm not... I might have the wrong settings on my Uber. I might have it to quiet. Yes.

Starting point is 00:20:13 What makes you happy? Solomon, it's a pretty easy question. What brings you joy? Do you like square dancing, perhaps? Square dancing? Yeah. No, I don't know. You can say anything. You can name anything that you... No, I love hikes. I...

Starting point is 00:20:27 You like heights? Yeah, nature. Hikes. Okay, I thought he was saying heights, like, you know, hijacking an airplane, perhaps, at 30,000 feet or something like that. What made you move to America 18 years ago? Family. Okay. Yes.

Starting point is 00:20:48 Well, they were sick of you, were they? Probably, yeah. And what were they doing here that got you to move here? My dad had been here. What was your dad doing here? Limousine service. He started smiling before he said it. I don't want to profile, but I think I've just seen a suspicious package.

Starting point is 00:21:14 There is a little fucking, look at that little fucking, what are you rubbing it right now? What the fuck is going on? Hell yeah. You got a fucking sack of Stan. Look at that fucking thing. You are, you are a pack of something. That is for sure. You have a goddamn terrorist cell in your pants right now.

Starting point is 00:21:35 Look at that fucking thing. Absolutely incredible. How big is your dick? Oh, you're actually showing me. You're looking at a microphone saying it is the length of a microphone. That is huge. As far as I know, I study, obviously, as you know, I study penis sizes by culture. And Pakistanis are not knowing for carrying such a huge... Look at this fucking guy.

Starting point is 00:22:01 My dad had a limousine service. How about mom? What did mom do? Mom? Housewife. Housewife, very good. She has to listen to what your dad tells her to do. Am I correct? Sometimes. Okay. Alright. What's your favorite thing about being an American, Solomon? Just living the dream, Tony. That is, again, the correct answer. I was going to have you deported

Starting point is 00:22:25 if you answered incorrectly there. Look at you, that is so interesting. You must do something for fun here in Texas. What do you do when you're not Ubering and trying comedy? I actually am into fitness. I actually have to thank you all for putting me on it. I used to be a- You're thanking us for getting you into fitness, I actually have to thank you all for putting me on it. I used to be a... You're thanking us for getting you into fitness?

Starting point is 00:22:49 Yes, Kill Tony and actually inspired me to do all this. Red band is part of Kill Tony. Are you aware that the green blob that I've worked with every Monday for 12 years, you're giving him credit for you going to the gym. He's never done any, he doesn't even walk anywhere. He-

Starting point is 00:23:08 Relax Tony, he's doing great. No, before COVID, I was a 300 plus pound alcohol addict. No way, wow, how about that? That is incredible. Jimmy. Now, fat people are notoriously funny. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Whoo! Look how much fun this guy's having up here. He's adorable. There's gotta be something about it. There's something about this fucking guy.

Starting point is 00:23:52 I can't quite put my finger on it. Solomon, you have any pets? No. No. You say that like you kick puppies. No, I don't. I like them. I just don't like the way people treat them.

Starting point is 00:24:07 Some kind of obsession going on here with the dogs. You think there's too many dog owners? Yes. What would... There's people... Yes. Yeah, way to win them over. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:22 What would be your solution to this dog problem that you think we have here in America? I don't know if I have a solution, but it's just annoying to see, like, too many dogs. Wow. Wow. Coming from a guy that harbored Osama bin Laden for quite some time. Just one note, you have too many dogs. I love America, but they got them too many barking dogs. Even the guy that can't barely wobbly walk.

Starting point is 00:25:04 Losing his dog to the homeless. They have strollers for dogs. Uh-huh. It is true. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. Okay. But, um... Solomon, I'll tell you what, dude.

Starting point is 00:25:20 You've been on the show once before? Yes. Okay. And what size jokebook did you get last time? Small. Very small. That's the smallest size it comes in. No, there's one size smaller. This is actually a medium jokebook.

Starting point is 00:25:34 I was gonna give him a medium one, because believe it or not, I do believe that set got more laughs than your last set. Would you agree? Yes. Well, then my friend, that's a little bit of growth for you. There you go.

Starting point is 00:25:47 Thank you. You roll hard. On to the next one we go. Are we having fucking fun in here tonight? Yeah. Yeah. There goes Solomon everybody. Mm-mm.

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Starting point is 00:26:39 A zero dollar copay, wow. A zero dollar copay, and, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, no big deal, you can switch at no extra cost. That's awesome. So here's the deal. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace.

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Starting point is 00:28:19 Again, that's Zippercouter.com slash Kiltoni. Zippercouter, the smartest way to hire. Whoo! The name broke in half. Make some noise for your next comedian, Sean Stewart, everyone. Sean Stewart. Whoo! Howdy, y'all. I love dogs. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I love them. Can you guys tell I'm Cuban? Hold on.

Starting point is 00:28:53 How about now? All right. Miami just showed up. It's a hand-me-down. When everybody finds out I'm Cuban, they always ask me one thing. They're like, hey, can you get me some Cuban cigars? No. I don't even speak Spanish. So now when they ask me that, I just whip my dick out.

Starting point is 00:29:14 Well, you can smoke this. But they're always disappointed. They're expecting a BCC. A big Cuban cigar. I whip out a Swisher's Sweep. Doesn't even last as long as a Swisher. How do you measure a penis? In seconds, inches, or strokes?

Starting point is 00:29:42 Thank you. Sean Stewart. Jimmy, what are your thoughts here? Well, if you want to get your dick sucked, I think we get the last guy back. Hey. Hey. There's no doubt about it, that Pakistani cowboy will suck you right back in the fucking Cuba, my friend. He'll teleport you.

Starting point is 00:30:03 I saw that cowboy. And he's a self-lubricating gay cowboy. I mean, he stays wet. Most men don't get wet. That guy dripping. Right now, dripping. Nah, Solomon, he's a nice guy. He's a nice guy.

Starting point is 00:30:17 A weird guy, though. Yep. Well, let's get to you. Yeah, very smart, very smart. The opening line, I love dogs, and then it all went downhill from there. I thought it went all right. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:30:34 I can't imagine how it must normally go for you to think that was all right. No, it was okay. They're just hatin'. No, okay. That's good. Yes, argue with the person that's been doing this 780 times. That's great.

Starting point is 00:30:45 I have no idea what I'm talking about. I love it, you're wearing the pants that the last guy should have been wearing. Those are very loose fitting, an interesting type of cargo pant. I do believe they're on backwards. Right? Every time I've been on, you've made fun of my outfit,

Starting point is 00:31:00 so I tried to dress up a little nicer tonight. That's the upgrade. Yeah. Wow. I was in sweatpants last time. Okay, wow. Yeah, you told me to go to bed. Yeah, all right.

Starting point is 00:31:13 And here you are. So this is an upgrade from last time. You keep anything in those absolutely stupid pockets? I keep a Zen pouch. I'm trying to quit vaping. Okay. Wow. Yeah. I've quit drinking this year, actually, too. What made you quit drinking?

Starting point is 00:31:29 Uh... Yeah, I don't... I shit... white. What? Say that again. I shit white one day. You shit white? Yeah. White poop came out of your butt?

Starting point is 00:31:42 Yeah. Tell us more. I've never heard of this. I've been alive Tell us more. I've never heard of this. I've been alive for 40 years. I've never heard of white poop before. It was actually at the Killtonia Arena in HUB. I went there and I was drinking with all my buddies and I got some tall boys on the way home

Starting point is 00:31:59 and I drank those two tall boys. I woke up in the morning and I had to shit. And I looked in the toilet after and it was, like, grayish-white, and I was like, oh, that's not good. Jimmy Carr, let's check in here. Um... Can I ask, you said you were Cuban, yes? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:16 Are you, and I'm just checking here, are you the ghost of a Cuban boy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I might be. I don't look at Cuban at all. And so I think if people call me a fake Cuban, actually, so. You just, you look very, very pale and then you're shitting white.

Starting point is 00:32:34 Can I just check, can everyone else see him? Okay, he's not a dead boy. It is absolutely frightening to think that you shit white. So you just happened to glance at the toilet, you always look at your poop before you flush it? I try to make sure it's healthy looking. Yeah, okay. And this time you must have... Yeah, I looked it up and it said liver issues, so yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:55 But I do hard drugs though instead, no. Okay. Yeah, I still consider myself sober. Like I did Molly on Saturday, sorry mom. All right, okay, take, take, let's go just a little bit slower here. Apologizing to your mother and confessing every drug you've done since New Year's Eve. So did you go see a doctor after you shit white?

Starting point is 00:33:13 Yeah. And what exactly did the doctor tell you? I got my blood work done and they said they weren't worried about it. I... Did you pay the doctor after this? I think my insurance did. Okay. weren't worried about it. Did you pay the doctor after this? I think my insurance did. Okay.

Starting point is 00:33:29 You didn't do a minute of stand up for the doctor, did you? Cause that could explain the not caring. No, she actually referred me to a therapist. Really? Yeah. Okay, we're learning a lot here. What kind of therapy? Not ketamine.

Starting point is 00:33:46 What? The normal therapy. And I was like, that's the only other therapy I know of normal therapy and ketamine. Okay, wow, you go to your brain. I've never been to ketamine therapy though. Okay, no one asks you that. So, okay.

Starting point is 00:34:04 All right, what do you do for work? Uh, I work at a phone company that I hate. All right. I'm sure they feel the same way about you. What do you do for fun now, Sean, other than hard drugs? I do photography a bit. You're out there taking pictures? What are you taking pictures of, exactly?

Starting point is 00:34:27 Did you happen to take a picture of your white shit? No, I, no, I did not. Lost opportunity there. I took a picture of that big fat rapper guy, Dave Blunt. Okay. Yeah, I was at his concert recently, and he's hard to get a good picture of because it was, like, unflattering everything I took.

Starting point is 00:34:42 Mm-hmm, yeah, he's a big boy. What's your love life like, Sean? You seem like unflattering everything I took. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's a big boy. Yeah. What's your love life like, Sean? You seem like you couldn't please a woman. Eh! I've never had a bad review, but, eh, I'm on a bit of a hiatus. I'm trying to get into like a real relationship again, so. Okay. Why?

Starting point is 00:34:58 What makes you want to be in a real relationship right now? I don't know. I'm past the hookup phase of my life, I think, you know? I've done all that, and now I'm trying to get into something meaningful again. Or not really trying to. I'm kind of focused more on doing this shit, sadly. But, um... Have you ever come and it comes out purple or anything like that? No.

Starting point is 00:35:18 I'm so interested by your white shit, I'm wondering what other kind of Crayola bodily functions you have. No, it's cloudy sometimes, I guess. That makes sense. One guy is vomiting in the back. Texans don't appreciate talking about the color of people's cum. It's never been bloody or anything. That's what would concern me. Anything crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

Starting point is 00:35:40 Um, I got catfished by a girl with cerebral palsy once. Whoa! You hit... Let me guess. She showed up and she didn't have cerebral palsy, and you were disappointed? Yeah. You seemed like the kind of guy that would be into that.

Starting point is 00:35:54 You know what I mean? Uh, she wouldn't talk to me on the phone before, like, we went on the date, and then, like, she couldn't find the place on the date, and so then she finally called me, and she was like, hello? And I was like, oh, shit. Oh. finally called me and she was Like hello, and I was like oh shit And she was walking with like a limp and I was like oh like are you sure you're good to go on a walk? She's like yeah, I have CP and I didn't know that meant cerebral palsy. I thought she meant she had child porn

Starting point is 00:36:17 I was like that's kind of fucked up Or perhaps you guys had something in common and she had colorless poop CP Tony Hinchlis everyone and she had colorless poop. Ah! CP. Tony Hinchlis, everyone. A colorless poop joke. Where's my Emmy? All right. I hope she has insurance.

Starting point is 00:36:35 There you go. Jesus, Sean. What did you do to her? Oh, she had that white poop, too. I don't know. Did you end up hooking up with her? No, no. Why? I would have felt No, no. Why?

Starting point is 00:36:45 I would have felt wrong. Really? I don't know. I feel mean just talking about this right now. I would feel like taking advantage of a special needs person. I don't know. You think you were taking advantage of her? No, it was just...

Starting point is 00:37:02 Do you have any idea how you come across to the public? Uh, how? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You got a little joke book last time? I've gotten a big one, actually. All right, well, there you go. Go fill it up. There you go. Sean Stewart, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving.

Starting point is 00:37:16 Keeping it moving. Sean Stewart. Wow. Ha-ha-ha-ha. There she is. The lovely Heidi has joined the party, ladies and gentlemen, every single week. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:37:36 All right. Your next bucket full has been on the show a couple times. Kind of a legend around these parts. Hopefully this is a new strong minute from Juanita, everybody, Juanita. ["The Beauty and the Beast"] I was watching the movie, The Beauty and the Beast, recently.

Starting point is 00:38:00 There's a scene in that movie where they're about to fuck. Like, and I'm not talking about the little gay guy There's a scene in that movie where they're about to fuck. Like, and I'm not talking about the little gay guy he turns into, not that faggot. I didn't say it, I have penis. She wants to fuck the beast. It doesn't happen in the movie because the teapot won't leave.

Starting point is 00:38:28 Teapot stares at them like a fat friend in middle school, and then she starts singing all creepy. Teal as old as time. True as it? I'm trying to fuck my dog, dude. Did you watch him lap up the soup? That could be my pussy right now. Did you watch him lap up the soup? That could be my pussy right now. I have a full Sargento string cheese

Starting point is 00:38:51 in my twat for Beethoven. Get the fuck out! Wow. That's basically three sets in a row. I have no idea what the fuck people are talking about. Somehow Martin Phillips with full-blown, shaky, wobbly cerebral palsy is the best enunciator that we've had on this show yet.

Starting point is 00:39:15 Incredible. Juanita, welcome back. Thank you. It's really interesting. I don't really... Were you talking about a... What were you talking about? The Beauty and the Beast. There's, like, a don't really... Were you talking about a... What were you talking about? The Beauty and the Beast.

Starting point is 00:39:27 There's, like, a scene where, like, she's, like, with the Beast, they're getting close. But they don't fuck because the teapot won't leave. She just stares at them. Okay. I'm guessing you're rooting for the Beast in that movie. Yeah, I'm a little... I'm a little jealous.

Starting point is 00:39:42 Juanita, welcome back to the show. I'm loving watching Jimmy try to analyze what the fuck is going on right now. He's playing it cool. He's playing it real cool. Tell me everything. Have there been any changes recently? No, not much. Not much. Tell us about you, Juanita. Where are you in your stuff?

Starting point is 00:40:16 My comedy? Let's leave that to one side. How are things downstairs? Oh, exactly the same. Ha ha. A red band. Exactly the same. I've actually never, like, done anything, like, surgically or hormonally or anything.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Okay. There's always been this... All natural. Yeah. I like it. I like it. Tell us what it's like being trans in Texas, Juanito. All natural. Yeah. I like it. I like it. Tell us what it's like being trans in Texas, Juanito.

Starting point is 00:40:49 What is it like? It's fun. Your voice got a little deeper there. I don't know if you noticed that. But. No, it's fine. I'm in Austin now, so people don't really mind that here. They're kind of like, I get a little nervous, and then I see purple hair, and I'm like, oh, so people don't really mind that here. They're kinda like, I get a little nervous

Starting point is 00:41:06 and then I see purple hair and I'm like, it's fine, you're good. In San Antonio, sometimes people get mad. Yeah, what's that like? What do they say? How do you know they get mad? When I manage a restaurant, sometimes they'd be like, sir, and I'm like, oh, I'm a lady.

Starting point is 00:41:24 Be like, hey, there's something fucking wrong like, oh, sir, I'm a lady. Like, hey, there's something fucking wrong with you. Do you want your pizza now? I did want my pizza. So you worked at a pizza joint? Yeah, I managed a Grimaldi's like a couple of years ago in San Antonio. Okay.

Starting point is 00:41:41 And there you put the sausage on the... How would it work? What's a trans pizza like exactly? Sometimes. Sausage and sauce. Got it. What's dating in Austin like for you, Juanita? What exactly are you into? Uh, I'm into big, tall white dudes.

Starting point is 00:42:01 Hello, fellas, I'm single. You know, that guy? Oh, fuck, this dude just accidentally got excited and raised his hand. He's like, fuck yeah. And then he's like, oh, shit. Oh, God, there. Hell yeah, dude. You're gonna get butt-fucked tonight, bro.

Starting point is 00:42:13 I love it. Now, you know what's been funny, though? I recently, since, like, the show, I've gotten, like, chuckle-fuckers. That's fun. Okay. Yeah. So you're gonna have to like chuckle fuckers. That's fun. Okay. Yeah. You're gonna have to explain chuckle fuckers to me. Oh.

Starting point is 00:42:30 Chuckle fucker is somebody that either sees you do standup or like watches you on a show and then they wanna fuck you. Yeah, right. Yeah. So explain, was there like sliding into your DMs? No, I was actually in line for Kill Tony like a couple weeks ago, and there was like an Australian dude, and he was like hot, and then like, um,

Starting point is 00:42:52 I was like, oh, what's your name? And he was like, I'm Alcon. And I was like, I'm Juanita. And he goes, I know who you are. I watched the show. And then he bought me like 37 vodka sodas. Wow. Did you put your shrimp on his Barbie? I, uh, I accidentally had sex with him. You did? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:13 I love that. Yeah, no, no, but I was so drunk that I fell asleep. So I was like in like the hotel bed, and I was like wasted, so I passed out, and he was like, do you wanna do this or not? And I was like, I'm so sorry, this never happens, I have whiskey hole. Whiskey hole?

Starting point is 00:43:32 Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Now, well. Now, well. Now, well.

Starting point is 00:43:38 Now, well. Now, well. That's, that's no good, I can't un-hear that. LAUGHTER Um... I think the Australian accent might be better. LAUGHTER I think maybe stick to that.

Starting point is 00:43:56 OK. Just go Aussie the whole time. Suits. I should do that, yeah. I will. A whiskey hole? That is the first we've ever heard of that. It's like whiskey dick, but for ladies. Pfft! Yeah, I think maybe the term... Yeah. Yeah, let's go with that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:15 Yeah, let's go with that. Let's go with that. When you fucked a few pre-op transsexuals, you realize these cunts are full of shit. LAUGHTER I've got whiskey hole. You meet a few pre-op transsexuals, you realize these cunts are full of shit. I've got whiskey hole. Whiskey hole might be the line of the night. A little Crack Daniels, if you will.

Starting point is 00:44:41 So you woke up and then the Australian and you had sex. Yeah, I did that. Okay. I don't remember much of it because I like... What's crazy is it seems like you're the one with regrets. I know! Oh, yeah, I know. He was really hot. And then he asked me to pee on him and I didn't. You did not?

Starting point is 00:45:03 I didn't pee on him and he was so hot. I not? I didn't pee on him and he was so hot. I was like, I'm behaving like I'm not fat right now. Like I should have totally peed on that guy. He was super hot in Australia. It's interesting that you have limitations. I know. I don't really understand the fat, but you should have peed on him because you're fat.

Starting point is 00:45:21 He was just out of my league. He was super hot. So I should have peed on him. Oh, you're super hot. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.

Starting point is 00:45:29 You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.

Starting point is 00:45:37 You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're true. Yeah, he did. He did. Well, then maybe he's in your league.

Starting point is 00:45:46 He is. You're right. I don't want to sound like an old-fashioned... Absolutely. Thank you, Jimmy Carr. Listen. Listen, there's a lot of jokes in this show, but this is from the heart. I think... I think you should have... I think you should have pissed on that guy. LAUGHTER

Starting point is 00:46:02 Yeah, I mean that. Oh, Tony, I... I said I wasn't gonna cry. I said I wasn't gonna cry. Oh, come on. El Khan, I'm gonna pee on you. Jesus, what was that? That was his name. Well, this is the worst Hallmark movie pitch ever.

Starting point is 00:46:25 Okay, so here's the movie. It's an Aussie guy, and this tranny lady pisses on him. It's gonna be... And it's a cartoon. It's for Disney. It's called There's Something Down Under. What happens when a man who's pissed off wants to be pissed on? You'll be rooting for the beast.

Starting point is 00:46:55 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that's Tom Segura after breaking his arm, by the way, if you're wondering what that noise is. I know, it sounds like gay sex, but it's Tom Segura after breaking his arm playing basketball. Wow, Juanita, always an amazing interview with you. You are such a fucking... Love that.

Starting point is 00:47:22 Such an exception. There is a huge stereotype that trans people don't have good sense of humors. That is a thing, and you are the exception to that role without a doubt, Jimmy. Can I say, the interview was so good, the material, the minute or whatever, just get up and talk about yourself and your life.

Starting point is 00:47:42 That's what you need to do. You're great. Thank you. I appreciate it. Absolutely. I agree with Jimmy 100%. And it's always that way. And you'll get better at doing comedy that way if you do it at these open mics and everything around here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, in my alternative minute, I should have just done that one.

Starting point is 00:48:02 It was about me. Yeah. And, you know, there's... There's also a stereotype that women aren't funny. And I gotta tell you, you are the exception to that rule too. Juanita, you already have a big joke book? I filled it up. You filled it up?

Starting point is 00:48:27 Well, just like you did with the Australian. I'll tell you what, you're getting another one right here. There you go, Juanita, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, a standing o from some white boys out here. Must be Australians. Yeah, there they are. This party's wild. It's weird. Girls aren't normally that good at catching stuff. That's true. She's good at catching that and I'm sure she that's not the only thing she's caught before. Your pickle hole? What was the hook? What?

Starting point is 00:49:05 Whiskey hole. Pickle hole. You're thinking of a whole different thing. You're thinking of your little pickle over there, huh? Not tonight, love. I got whiskey hole. Oh, no. I love to. I've got a spot of the old whiskey hole. I can't. I'm all dried up back there.

Starting point is 00:49:27 Ha ha ha ha ha. Holy shit. This really is the best show in all of comedy. It's amazing. I got to say. Sometimes I sit back, and I'm just a fan. I'm just a fan. Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

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Starting point is 00:51:07 Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by to Kovas anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots Find your perfect pair with to Kovas I've never felt more confident than when I'm kicking down the door of the mothership in my to Kovas ever wonder if you can pull Off boots with your personal style you owe it to your feet to pull on a pair of to Kova's because being confident isn't about being different it's about being yourself. Red band. Tony guess what I love my to Kova's they're so comfortable not to mention I get compliments on them all day when I'm strutting down 6th Street.

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Starting point is 00:52:02 when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S dot com slash kiltoni. tocovas.com slash kiltoni. See site for details. Tocovas, point your toes west. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull looks like a new name. Make some noise for Blazing Nana, everybody.

Starting point is 00:52:21 Blazing Nana. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Blazing Nana. Yeah! Yeah! Well, hello, Austin. I am Blazing Nana. I really enjoy fucking, uh, smoking weed. Alcohol. Alcohol makes me hellamine

Starting point is 00:52:41 and super-dee-duper horny. I want to argue and fuck you, come on. And at my age, for what? Hickeys, headaches, hangovers, hemorrhoids. Multiple fat lips, mostly North, sometimes South. Speaking of fat lips, ladies, y'all need to stop wasting your best pussy years on bad sex. That door's gonna close.

Starting point is 00:53:06 The one that opens is called menopause. This gash is coming for your youth. Uh, gash is just an old timey word for cunt. She wants... your smooth skin. She wants your perky titties. Yeah! And before you know it, you're W-A-P. Yeah, that bitch about to be D-R-Y.

Starting point is 00:53:31 Oh, krrrr! Wow. Blazing Nana. Oh, my goodness. There's so much going on here. I have so many questions. Jimmy. Yeah. What, two trans women in a room? Ha ha ha. Pfft.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Right. I'm all woman, darling. All woman. All woman, huh? Yes. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:54:03 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I think, Isst. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. No surgery, no shots, no pills. I got a dog, and she runs me all over the place. I'd never had a dog before. Did you steal it from a guy with cerebral palsy? I actually took it away from a homeless guy in Berkeley, California. Really? Yeah, I did. I just moved here from East Oakland about a month ago. Nice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:44 Okay. Bye, 1 510, baby. Sorry, can you rewind to the bit where you stole a dog from a homeless man? He was feeding it french fries, threw a cage, and I said, what are you doing to that little tiny dog? Thank you, Red Bandit. Oh, no, that's you. Sorry. A little tiny dog feeding it french fries, and I said, what are you doing to that dog?

Starting point is 00:55:02 And he said, well, my friend asked me to keep it for a while, and he'd be back. He's been gone three days. So we bought the dog. That guy who was told by his friend to watch the dog sold it to you? How much did he sell it for? I paid $125. It was my birthday.

Starting point is 00:55:22 It was my birthday present to myself. That's actually... Stealing a dog. $125. It was my birthday. It was my birthday present to myself. That's actually- Stealing a dog. That's us. That's actually how I got my kids. It's a similar story. Oh, did you, 125, that's a good deal on kids. Okay, stick with me here, Blazing Nana. 125 for basically stealing someone else's dog.

Starting point is 00:55:40 I find that to be an odd number. Did the negotiations start at 100 and the homeless guy said 125? No, it was my birthday, and that's all the money that I had collected for my birthday that day, and I said I have 125 on me, and he said, I'll take it. Wow. Jimmy.

Starting point is 00:55:54 Collected for her birthday? Yeah. What exactly do you mean by collected for your birthday? Who's giving you this money? I'm originally from Cleveland, Ohio, and when it's your birthday in Cleveland, we put a pin on you like this. People tape or stick dollars in $5. They pin it on from the hood in Cleveland.

Starting point is 00:56:11 Yeah. We get birthday money. And I was walking around Hayward, California, higher than two people should be, and I was like... They say, what's that for? And I'd explain it, so by the end of the night, I had $125. Me and my friend took the BART to Berkeley. There's actually a that for? And I'd explain it. So by the end of the night, I had $125.

Starting point is 00:56:25 Me and my friend took the BART to Berkeley. There's actually a name for that where I'm from. That's called begging. Blazing Nana. So you just moved here from Oakland. Yes. Now, when someone like you moves to Texas from Oakland, do you put, do you put your trailer...

Starting point is 00:56:47 Ha! Do you, like, sit in it while they're driving the trailer? You have trailer energies. Am I correct? Do you live in a trailer? I am a half-baked hillbilly, yeah. My mom's family's from West By God, Virginia, and my daddy's a Tennessee stump jumper from Tennessee. So this is a long way to get to yes.

Starting point is 00:57:06 Yes. You live in a trailer? No, I don't. I live in a 55-plus community for old folks. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's pretty nice. OK. They're quiet neighbors, quiet neighbors.

Starting point is 00:57:17 I hate to be a tourist, but I don't know what a stump jumper is. Oh, that's just a little hillbilly that screws anything that wiggles. That's a nice word for a whore. My daddy had so many children. I have sisters and brothers that I don't even know their last names.

Starting point is 00:57:34 I found them on Facebook, a couple of them. I thought it was gonna be something to do with horse racing. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, that's a Tennessee walker, love. That's a Tennessee walker. Ha ha ha ha! Right. Oh. No, that's a Tennessee walker, love. That's a Tennessee walker. Right. Blazing Nana.

Starting point is 00:57:49 Don't you want to see what's in my little... I wore this just for you, Tony. Okay. Uh, let's do it. Let's see what's in that fanny pack. Breath mints, because fresh breath needs to be a priority in your life. Okay. This is magic mushrooms. You didn't see those. I'm not a tea pack. Breath mints, because fresh breath needs to be a priority in your life.

Starting point is 00:58:06 Okay. This is magic mushrooms. You didn't see those. Okay. She's got mushrooms. I thought it was going to be a C-section scar. I got a bay pen. I got one better for you than a C-section scar. I don't even have a belly button. These are my keys. Okay. There's no keys on your keys. Oh, they're inside. Oh, okay. You don't need to pull them button. These are my keys. Okay. There's no keys on your keys.

Starting point is 00:58:25 Oh, they're inside. Oh, okay. You don't need to pull them out. It's all right. Why are we going through Nana's bag? Because it's a thing we do. These are tweezers. It's a thing we do, like she's a regular on the show. These are tweezers.

Starting point is 00:58:38 These are for plucking chin hairs, because you never know. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm an old lady. We get chin hairs. You are something else. I have a rock for Cam that's really cool. I liked how it felt. I got it for him just in case.

Starting point is 00:58:48 All right. Cam's under the weather tonight. He's not gonna be here. Oh, GasX, you're welcome. All the GasX that's in there. Okay, you have a lot of gas? No, but just, I had pizza. Oh, this is a joint holder.

Starting point is 00:59:02 Okay. With my Ohio State University Buckeye ID. I can still get French fries. Wow, amazing. That is true. You're reigning... O.A. ...defending national champions, the Ohio State University, everybody.

Starting point is 00:59:19 You're just gonna have to learn to love it. Yeah, there's a playoff now, so you're gonna... Wait, wait, wait. I got one that'll win him over. My NRA card! Wow. My God. You are an all-American fucking little whippersnapper. Look at you.

Starting point is 00:59:35 Have you ever done crystal meth before? No. No. What's the craziest thing you have done? Oh my gosh. The craziest, I have so many things. I, in 1983, I married my stepdad's cousin. That would be your cousin by law.

Starting point is 00:59:52 We're getting word, I'm getting word in my ear that that is indeed your cousin. Calling it your stepdad's cousin does not make it your cousin, that is your cousin through marriage. We're second cousins by marriage, my kids are my third cousins by marriage. I got grand cousins. I can literally see Jimmy booking a flight to England in his head right now.

Starting point is 01:00:14 Get the fuck away from it. Ha ha ha ha! This is just as scary as it gets. It just sounds like, it's just the gene pool could use a little chlorine. Somebody pissed in that gene pool. It's uh, no offense to you, you seem like a lovely lady, but a family tree like a fucking broom handle. Oh our family...

Starting point is 01:00:38 Our family tree doesn't fork, it's a ladder, a stepladder. Wow, nothing you really say makes sense. Blazing Nana, how have you made money your whole life? Well, I'm retired right now. I hate to sound like a soft story, but I have a traumatic brain injury. Believe it or not, I'm a little retarded. Doesn't it? What's the brain injury from?

Starting point is 01:01:07 I had a man tell me that he loved me and decided to beat me up and knock my teeth out and break my jaw and crush my cheek and... Oh, no. ...give me some beautiful scars all over my face. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. Red band. But...

Starting point is 01:01:22 Yeah, what was that? Was that a baseball bat? Oh, my God. Red... Oh, Red Band. Don't. Don't. Red Band. Red Band. Is this... Can I ask... What's this? Can I ask? Laughter

Starting point is 01:01:47 This show is... Laughter I don't want to make light of domestic violence. It's a very serious thing that affects a lot of people. But can I ask, when this incident happened, were you significantly heavier at the time? Yeah, I was large in charge. £444? £444, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:04 And he... And he did what? Yeah, he tripped me, bastard, and he charge. 444 pounds. And he... Yeah, he tripped me, bastard, and he broke my jaw and everything, so I couldn't get the... He had the hit on me first. I am from Cleveland, West Side. I know how to fight. But he got the jump on me, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:16 444 pounds. I was a little slow. I was a little slow that big. Yeah. 4-4-4. Yeah. People go, why don't you say 450? Because? Because I fucking didn't get to 4-50. I got to 4-40-4.

Starting point is 01:02:29 Right. That's right. You know what I mean? That's right. But I really do not have a belly button. I had nine pounds of skin removed from my abdomen, and they couldn't save my belly button, so I really don't have a belly button. Oh. All right. All right. and they couldn't see my belly button, so I really don't have a belly button.

Starting point is 01:02:47 All right. All right. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Oh. Oh. I think I've got bad news, Tony. I got terrible news. It's not even tan. I'm so white and there. I've just, you've just given me whiskey hole. Incredible.

Starting point is 01:03:09 Oh my god. Oh my God. Oh, my God. That is the first time in the show's history that someone hasn't had a belly button. Incredible blazing, Nana. You really are blazing a new trail. I am blazing a new trail. You are unbelievable. All right, well, I mean, absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:03:44 This is your first time on this show, right? Very first time, yeah. You get a little joke book to put in that fanny pack, Blazing Nana. Can I do it? Yeah. Sorry, you're welcome. You're welcome.

Starting point is 01:03:56 One more time for Blazing Nana, everybody. How fun. Yeah. Yeah. This is a hell of a show. Isn't it great? Heidi bringing us all back to normal levels of testosterone in the room. After a trans woman and whatever the fuck Blazing Nana was went back to back, back to back. What could happen next?

Starting point is 01:04:29 Make some noise for your next comedian, J.J. Curry, everybody. J.J. Curry. ["J.J. Curry"] What up, though? I like to give the crowd information about me I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it.

Starting point is 01:04:52 I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I really ain't one of them. They're like, my grandfather's mixed. That's half. You break a half down. That's a quarter.

Starting point is 01:05:08 And if you break a quarter down, that's an eighth. That's me. Now, I don't know how mathematically correct that is, but my cousin used to sell weed, and, um, that's how he taught me fractions. ["Freshman's Life"] ["Freshman's Life"] So I'm really like 3.5 grams... ["Freshman's Life"]

Starting point is 01:05:37 ...of Caucasian. I'm $40 white. That's my planfic, so... Wow! What a set! Exactly 60 seconds. Unbelievable. Welcome, J.J. Curry. Wow. How long you been on stand-up, J.J.? Uh, 12 years.

Starting point is 01:05:57 12 years? Well, that's about an eighth of a century right now. Absolutely incredible. Wow. 12 years. Jimmy, what do you think? I think he could eat an apple through a wire fence. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That is a hell of a set of teeth you have there, my friend J.J.

Starting point is 01:06:19 It is the standout thing about you. I'm very- It is absolutely- I would love to chat longer, but you probably got to stop brushing them soon. Yeah, you go. It's coming from British people. That's wild. What's that?

Starting point is 01:06:33 That's coming from a British man. That's wild. Yeah, it's true. It's true. It is true. The rare exception to British people have bad teeth. You're getting roasted for, that's like you making fun of him

Starting point is 01:06:46 for being such a good basketball player. JJ, what do you do for work with a set of teeth like that? I'm actually ex-military, so I get like a 90% disabled. So I get that monthly. So I've been doing stuff. Okay. Wow. So I've been only doing comedies in Yeah. Wow. So I've been only doing comedy since 2019.

Starting point is 01:07:06 Well, thank you for your service. Thank you. Can I ask, the disability didn't involve losing a belly button, did it? No, no, no, no. It's a lung disease. I have a lung disease. Oh, man.

Starting point is 01:07:15 I'm sorry. It's all good. I only do edibles now. OK. Awesome. And you got the lung disease from, like, burning garbage out in the air? No, it's a long story. Basically, they gave me a bunch of shots and was like,

Starting point is 01:07:28 -"No, this is..." -"Oh, shit." -"Yeah, I don't want to talk." -"Like, vaccines?" -"Yeah, that's what's up. Yeah." -"Yeah. There you go. That's what happens. You find out a lot about that on this real show with real people. Find out a lot about that in real life. Yeah. No, it's fine. You can talk about it here. The club is owned by Joe Rogan. Vaccine injuries are appreciated here. It's a real thing that really exists in real life.

Starting point is 01:07:56 You don't see that on other mainstream networks. You can only find that here on YouTube. So right after you got that shot, did you notice something? Basically, I went to the hospital on a Sunday, I'm gonna put that here on YouTube. Uh, so right after you got that shot, did you notice something? Uh, I basically went into the hospital on a Sunday, and then I left, like, a week before my birthday in April. And what branch?

Starting point is 01:08:13 Air Force. Okay. I was gonna ask, what branch do you hang off of sometimes with one arm? Oh, come on! What are you gonna grow? What do you wanna go? What show do you think this is? Jimmy blocking his face with his glass so that he can keep up.

Starting point is 01:08:35 Christ, Tony. Jesus. You're only just back from the Puerto Rico. Christ. See, Sense Man, it's a great set. You're only just back from the Puerto Ricans. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Anything for extra income, just out of curiosity? I mean, every once in a while, probably like Uber and stuff like that. Not too crazy. Very cool, very cool. What do you do for fun? What does J.J. Curry do for fun?

Starting point is 01:09:10 Oh shit, nothing really. Be miserable. Yeah, with teeth like that, with teeth like that, I'm guessing eating pussy is impossible. No, opposite. It's very much, it's an isolation thing. I can put the click in, you know what I'm saying? Put the click in.

Starting point is 01:09:26 The click. He puts the click in. Yeah. He knows where the click is. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. That is...

Starting point is 01:09:42 That is a lot of trust a woman is putting in you. Big lips, soft seats. You know what I'm saying? Big lips, soft what? Seats. Seats? Yeah. For the click? Yeah, for the...

Starting point is 01:09:55 You put the click there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Amazing, JJ. What's your... What's your favorite type of woman? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:10:05 I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:10:13 I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:10:21 I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? You could show him how to find the click before you leave here. And you've been with an Asian before? Yeah. You, wow, look at the yes on that. That's like a guy that has his own goddamn yakuza waiting for him back at home.

Starting point is 01:10:38 Absolutely incredible. And have you been with an Asian since you moved to Austin, Texas? No, no, no. So you haven't been with an Asian Texan yet? Not a Texan one. Wow. Where do you find these Asians that you tend to?

Starting point is 01:10:51 I was in Florida for a while, and I was stationed in the military. So that was really easy to do. Filipinos, you know what I'm saying? Right. Yeah. You just put on your camouflage and hide in a bush. And it's just, it was like and hide in a bush and There's like you got a green card, you know, yeah

Starting point is 01:11:14 Absolutely, what what else do you do for fun? What else do you do for fun? JJ? Uh, I mean I what I love a big movie first. I like watching movies Go to the gym, of course. Oh, yeah Stuff let it be outdoor. You say walks and stuff. I like to be outdoor. When you say walks, that's W-O-K-S to get Asian women. Walks and shit. I love it. Very good. You really do love the Asians.

Starting point is 01:11:34 That is one of their favorite things to cook in, is a walk. Now, what's amazing about, I never know, Bones Eye, the great Adrian Cavazos, always has a different setup of books every single week. And this one is extra interesting tonight. There's four big joke books, and one just so happens to be absolutely jet black. And it just seems to me only fitting,

Starting point is 01:12:03 J.J. Curry, that you would get this one. It's a perfect fit. I'm still in. All right. That is... Jimmy? If there was any justice, it would be one-eighth white. The pages technically count. We're counting the pages here.

Starting point is 01:12:21 It was a great set. Unbelievable. J.J., what's the longest set you've ever done before? 45 minutes. 45 minutes. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You just got booked on a real show here on Kill Tony. There he goes.

Starting point is 01:12:35 JJ Curry, ladies and gentlemen. And it goes on and on. Do you know ball? Because this is it. The final series of the playoffs. Championships on and on. Do you know ball? Because this is it. The final series of the playoffs. Championships on the line. And if you've got takes, it's time to put them to the test on prize picks. The only place I trust to turn my hot takes into cold hard cash.

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Starting point is 01:13:20 That's right, you don't even have to win, just play and boom, 50 bucks free Red band, what are you gonna play? Oh, you know me I was looking and I think this week on prize picks I'm eyeing the basketball and selecting Tyrese Halliburton for more than 20 points and Carl Anthony Towns for more than 12 rebounds Incredible, you know basketball and I love how easy they make it so easy that even Red Band can do it. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup.

Starting point is 01:13:53 That is code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks run your game. I have way too much free time said no one ever work appointments, family and friends. Life is nonstop. I'm trying to find a new place on top of all that completely overwhelming. That's where apartments.com comes in. If you want to make time for the things that you love, but you still have to

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Starting point is 01:15:05 Your next comedian goes by the name of Reynaldo Mercado, everybody. Make some noise for Reynaldo, everyone. -♪ Oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You guys think about killing yourself? Anybody? Okay, a couple honest people. That's cool. I think about it. I think about it. I don't know if I'm gonna do anything about it, but I think about it. I think about suicide like I think about home renovation. I'm gonna do it eventually. But let's be honest, it would be a lot easier

Starting point is 01:15:39 if I paid somebody to do it for me. Suicide's fun. Not fun. Interesting. Suicide's fun, not fun, interesting. Suicide's interesting. I was driving, how we try to prevent it is interesting. I was driving over a bridge that was over this big old river. And right when you get halfway across the bridge, right in the middle of the bridge, they have a little sign with the number

Starting point is 01:15:58 for the suicide hotline. Which seems like it's too late. You could have put it at the beginning of the bridge. You might as well put the number at the bottom of the river, and it would do the exact same thing. You could take a QR code for better health, put it on a bullet, put it in a gun, put it in your mouth, pull the trigger, it would do the same thing as that sign on that bridge.

Starting point is 01:16:22 They're not doing it up. It's too late at that point. That's like putting an ad for condoms in a delivery room. That's like putting an ad for birth control at the bottom of a flight of steps. Yeah. Yeah. Reynaldo Mercado. Great stuff.

Starting point is 01:16:42 Unbelievable minute. Fantastic. Really good, Reynaldo. Thank you. Unbelievable minute. Fantastic. Really good, Ronaldo. Thank you, thank you. Great. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, it'll be seven years in July. Seven years in July. Christ, we're gonna miss you.

Starting point is 01:16:55 Ha ha ha ha ha. No, uh, my dad is Mexican. My dad is, well, he's missing, but he is... He's old school. He wasn't kicked out of the country. He went to buy cigarettes and never came back. Wow. Yeah, he wasn't deported.

Starting point is 01:17:10 He was new ported. Wow. Incredible. Yeah, that's good. Right. Amazing. That's two comedians in a row that had a black father.

Starting point is 01:17:22 Incredible. Ronaldo. What do you do for work, Ronaldo? That's two comedians in a row that had a black father. Incredible. Ronaldo. What do you do for work, Ronaldo? I supply molding to Home Depot's around the area. You supply molding to Home Depot. I'm one of the ones on the inside. I'm good.

Starting point is 01:17:43 Okay. Were you at any stage a bass player for The Strokes? You have that kind of indie rock and roll look. There is a look to you. It's very, very rare amongst Latino people, I've noticed, but you have a look. Do you have a Latino barber? No, my girlfriend cut my hair. That's what it is.

Starting point is 01:18:00 That's what it is. Which is one of the most Mexican things about me, by the way. I think she must really love you because she doesn't want other women to be with you. Yes. Exactly. She's Mexican as well? No. No. She's a white girl?

Starting point is 01:18:15 Yeah, she's white. Where'd you meet her at? We actually met... Well, we met for the first time we were in elementary school, but we started dating. What were you doing? Gardening? What were you... What were you saying there? You were in elementary school and then what? We started dating in high school. Senior year of high school we started dating.

Starting point is 01:18:37 And so how long has it been? Uh, nine years. Wow. Amazing. What does she do? She cleans Airbnbs. Nine years. Wow. Amazing. What does she do? She cleans Airbnbs. Wow. Amazing. Okay, Reynaldo. And you live here in Austin? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:59 For how long? It'll be a year next week, actually. And where'd you move from? St. Louis. Okay. So you and her were together She moved down here, too Okay, and what do you guys do for fun? Uh? We like to hang out we play video games at home a little bit

Starting point is 01:19:13 You know stuff like that she comes out to the show sometimes things out with me you know stuff like that Let's do it for fun been with her for nine years Yeah, do you do you have any secrets to satisfying a woman for nine years? How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Guys, keep making them sing. They can touch your butthole, but don't let them do it. Whoa. Just, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:19:34 Just give them a little, go, oh, no, no, no, no, no. You want this? Mm-mm, no. You know the best way to do that, of course. Tell them you have whiskey hole. Yeah. Yeah, you missed a hell of a thing earlier, Ronaldo. I thought that was just some British shit.

Starting point is 01:19:52 I didn't know that. This guy's great. Very funny, Ronaldo. This is incredible. How amazing. Wow, you're built for stand-up comedy, Ronaldo. Thanks. Actually, I was on this show almost seven years ago. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:14 When we were just visiting Austin or, or, no, St. Louis? Yeah, you guys came through St. Louis, came to Helium Comedy Club. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I was like nine months into comedy. I was 20 years old and like 60 pounds lighter. It was nice. Wow. First person we've had up here all night

Starting point is 01:20:28 that's gained weight in the last few years. Everyone else is like, I have 400 pounds. I don't have a belly button no more. That is uncanny. Not really known for my impressions, but I do a hell of a blazing Nana. Can I ask a question?

Starting point is 01:20:50 I genuinely wanted to ask, because you opened up with the suicide bit. Do you suffer with that, or was it just a bit? I think if you don't think about it, you're lying. Everybody thinks about it a little bit. Again, I've never had something in my mouth or stood on the edge of the bridge,, I've never had something in my mouth or like stood on the edge of the bridge and like, you know, but I've been like, you know,

Starting point is 01:21:07 I've had some stuff in my mouth, but not a gun, okay? I've just, no, I've never tried to kill myself, but you know, you think about it. Wow, interesting. How often do these thoughts come into your head? I mean, I don't know, I just get kind of sad sometimes.

Starting point is 01:21:25 That's about it. You know, everybody gets sad a little bit, you know? And then you go, I want to get out of this town with my friends! And then you feel better. That's... That's how I grew up. Interesting. Yeah. Eh... I don't know about this exactly.

Starting point is 01:21:44 Uh, you know, we have... If you use the promo code KILTONI... What is it? Space80 at what? What is it? Talkspace, that's right. Talkspace.com. Use the promo code Space80. Thank you. How about a hand for Yoni, everybody?

Starting point is 01:22:04 He's a Jew that keeps the show on its tracks, everyone. Everyone needs a good Jew. I highly implore you to hire a Jew, no matter what industry you're in, really. Even if you're cleaning Airbnbs like his girlfriend, everyone can use a Jew. They give you good business advice, and there's a fan,

Starting point is 01:22:25 one fan of the Jews back here. Welcome to, welcome to Texas. There's one, one guy that agrees with me. Rinaldo, one more time. What do you, what do you do for fun around here? Well, I do, I like to go to hardcore shows and I'm a, hell yeah, I'm a- So that is, the haircut does make sense.

Starting point is 01:22:42 Right. Yeah, I like to, you know, stage dive and mosh and stuff like that. And I'm a BMX guy as well. I go to skate parks, ride bikes at skate parks and stuff. Hell yeah. Look at that. Look at you.

Starting point is 01:22:53 Wow. We're always sort of riding bicycles as being a very healthy pursuit. I usually drink beer while I'm doing it. Look at you. All right, Ronaldo. Amazing set. What's the longest set you've ever done?

Starting point is 01:23:08 Like 45 minutes. 45 minutes. Love to have you on the Secret Show. Two in a row. Two in a row. And back to Brown, by the way. Back to Brown. Ronaldo Mercado.

Starting point is 01:23:16 He's good. Yeah. Thank you. Two amazing sets. Marco Mercado. He's good. Yeah. Thank you. Two amazing comedians back to back. And now

Starting point is 01:23:34 we turn it up a notch. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of the regulars of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what can I say? The guy is, without a doubt, probably, god damn it, one of the most fucking incredible forces

Starting point is 01:23:52 in the history of Kill Tony. Killing it everywhere he goes. Probably, pound for pound, not only one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world, but probably straight up just one of the best comedians in the world. This is a brand new minute or more from the great and powerful, the one and only future resident of the United States of America.

Starting point is 01:24:15 This is the Estonian Assassin, Ari Mati! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What's up? Okay. You know when you... You know when you fuck a girl and then she gets upset that you told everybody

Starting point is 01:24:55 you fucked her? Yes, bitch. I told everybody. I'm trying to show off. Yes, bitch. I told everybody. I'm trying to show off. Trust me, you don't want to be the one I fuck. And then I tell nobody. I've had plenty of those.

Starting point is 01:25:26 Ladies, if you like fuck a co-worker and you don't hear about it a week later, that's a bad sign. That means you're a secret. That means you look like a slob of shit. There's plenty of women who would love a rumor. Hey, Agatha. Hey who would love a rumor. Hey, Agatha. Hey, Agatha, I heard you fucked Ari.

Starting point is 01:26:11 Maybe I did. Thank you so much. One minute, 39 seconds. For the freak of nature, Jimmy Carr. Am I right? You missed it. We had a couple of the girls you don't tell anyone about on earlier. Really?

Starting point is 01:26:33 Oh yeah. Oh yeah. One of them didn't even have a belly button. Okay. I love... It's true. I do love those too. I love when a chick has a belly piercing that doesn't look like it's pierced, it looks like it's stuck.

Starting point is 01:26:56 Oh my god. Bloody hell! How are you, Jimmy? I'm pretty great, man. Great to see you. Where are you from? You're from Tallinn. Estonia. You've been to Estonia so many times. I fucking love Estonia. Yeah, you started touring a lot when you had... I love it. You've got like a proper fucking scene there and you are the star. I'm loving seeing you.

Starting point is 01:27:15 Oh, thanks. I'm loving seeing the ride. Did you hear him on Trigonometry this week? Oh, there's a podcast called Trigonometry. He fucking killed it. Really? You listened to that? You killed it. You're killing it here. I can't fucking killed it. Really, you listened to that? You killed it, you're killing it here. Yep. I can't get over it, I'm loving your stuff.

Starting point is 01:27:29 Thanks, man. The boy's a freak, it's an absolute sensation. I don't know if there's anything ever been quite like it in the history of this show. Comedy's so crazy, I was just like, down the street trying that joke, full silence and confusion. Yeah, it happens. trying that joke, full silence and confusion. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:46 It happens. Then you just go... And then I just come here like, okay, I guess I don't got it. Heh. You made some adjustments? No. Okay.

Starting point is 01:27:57 100% same. Yeah. The people down the street suck. They suck, dude. Yeah. You were right. Yeah, come to the mothership, man. This is where it's at. Yeah. So, dude. Yeah, you were right. Come to the mothership, man, this is where it's at. So Ari Matty, you are a sensation.

Starting point is 01:28:09 You're traveling all over, doing it, long sets, absolutely everywhere. What's the update? Where you been up to lately? Oh, we were, was Martin Phillips on? Yeah. Yeah. Uh-uh.

Starting point is 01:28:22 Oh. Oh. Oh. Holy shit. Oh. Oh. Yeah Jimmy I Listen I'm not I'm not your manager, but that's not a bad idea So me and Martin We were in like we were in like, we were in Florida. Please tell me what this dynamic duo was up to in the great state of Florida. By the way, did you-

Starting point is 01:28:52 Did you- Martin Felix fucking party. I don't think he's got anything. I think he's just so fucked up all the time. He parties a lot, dude. He fucking does? He dances? Dude, the bitches love it.

Starting point is 01:29:03 They lose their mind. They grab him. They start- Oh shit. He dances? Dude, the bitches love it. They lose their mind. They grab him. They start, oh shit. He dances like a T-Rex. Yeah. Did you just take it, if you're honest? Oh my god.

Starting point is 01:29:27 We party, Jimmy. You only took him to get better parking. Also banging parking. We pull up everywhere. We just put the sign, plank plank, just on the... Right into the store. You can do the walk, just... And also, because I'm on the road with him, when he's pre-boarding, I'm right behind him.

Starting point is 01:29:46 Ha ha ha ha! Dude, they don't ask! Oh, my God. They don't ask! Just me and Martin, Southwest Airlines. Dude, they don't ask him either. As people are coming off the plane, we're like, fuck it.

Starting point is 01:30:03 These are my boys. This is my squad. They're like, fuck it. These are my boys. This is my squad. They're like, those are the Kill Tony guys right there. Incredible. So you guys were in Florida. So we went to like a bar. And we're like boozing. Everything's cool. And it's Flores, Fort Myers, maybe.

Starting point is 01:30:28 Yeah. So everyone ugly. Oh, yeah. Fuck the bar. And you're there. Like one of those Star Wars bars, you know? Yeah. And you're there with your wingman, Martin Phillips, who literally has a permanent wing. -"I don't like you.

Starting point is 01:30:48 My friend doesn't like you either." -"Aww." -"You have been frozen in carbonite." -"That's it. I can do two impressions. Princess Leia and Blazing Nana. Okay, so you're in this bar. So we're like talking, you know, and we notice that there's no chicks around.

Starting point is 01:31:13 At the end of the bar, there were these two fucking bull sharks. Just fucking... Like two women, you know, you don't even know what age they are. They're just done. You know when you just drink even know what age they are. They're just...done! Yeah. You know when you just drink and smoke so long,

Starting point is 01:31:30 you don't even have gender? You're just a carcass? Oh, fuck that. You should have been here earlier. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Is one of them wearing a fanny pack? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Did he? So they're like at the bar. So you see these two girls and you're like, these are our girls. Yeah, we're like, we need seven to eight thousand more drinks.

Starting point is 01:32:01 So they're at the end of the bar and then, you know, and it's Florida volume bar, you know, it's so fucking loud, so you're yelling. I'm, like, yelling to Martin. Okay, disgusting. Somebody just belched. And then I notice at the other end of the bar, an angel, like an Austin four, like an absolute... A Fort Myers.

Starting point is 01:32:28 A Florida 12 and a half. An angel enters the bar, and then I turn to Martin, and at this point, you know when just like music stops playing and you're yelling over a bar. So I just go like, as soon as music stops, mid-sentence I go, I guess there's only one pretty girl here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The bull sharks activate.

Starting point is 01:32:59 Oh shit. Oh shit. There's blood in the water. And this ugly trash bag of a human looks at me and marks them and goes, which one's the pretty one? Have you considered writing romantic fiction? It's a lovely way with words. And of course I try to say it, I go, I guess there's three.

Starting point is 01:33:35 But now the music's playing, they can't even hear you say that. It's over. And then they get some beer. And then I get nervous because they keep talking and then all of a sudden just a pickup truck full of men get to the bar, all gorillas, you know. It's like I'm seeing from a movie where they're coming to beat up the outsiders, you know.

Starting point is 01:33:57 I mean, if you're gonna beat up Martin Phillips, this is, I'm fucked, you know. And then they come off and I overhear the bull sharks tell these jocks of what went down. And you know what those guys did? Dude, I was so nervous. Those guys literally laugh, and they go, well, you ain't a prize.

Starting point is 01:34:14 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And then, by the way, we started drinking. Those girls were actually a lot of fun. They were cool. Yeah. Yeah, plus Martin needs something. By the way, he bangs. We started drinking, those girls were actually a lot of fun. They were cool. Yeah. Yeah. Plus, Martin needs something. By the way, he bangs.

Starting point is 01:34:29 I've seen some girls backstage. It's pretty... Martin? Martin, yeah. Girls have like a fetish. They want to take care of you, you know? They're like, I can fix him. Oh. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:34:57 One of the funniest people on stage, off stage. This is a joy to watch. It's unbelievable. I get to, we get to drink together at night. We get to sit at fucking Mitzis and get trashed together. And he's this funny all the time. It's absolutely ridiculous. Ari Matty, you are a goddamn sensation.

Starting point is 01:35:14 Thank you so much for being with me. Thank you, Johnny. Freak of nature. He's a freak. I love it. I love it. You're Estonian. You get to see it live week after week. The Estonian assassin You get to see it live week after week. The Estonian assassin Ari Mati. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to

Starting point is 01:35:31 and hit play on your next adventure. Stay three nights this summer at Best Western and get $50 off a future stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Breaking news, a brand new game is now live at Bet365. Introducing Prize Matcher, Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. So there you have it. How can you match that? Check out PrizeMatcher and see why it's never ordinary at Bet365. Must be 19 or older Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

Starting point is 01:36:09 If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connexontario.ca, T's and Z's apply. Back to the bucket we go. Not easy to follow, Ari Matty. This is going to be a minute uninterrupted for Rodrigo Marin. Everybody make some noise for Rodrigo. I don't really know my own exact race. But people say I look like I'm made up of a bunch of different races. Yeah, some say one of them is black.

Starting point is 01:36:49 Yeah. So I measured my dick. I'm definitely Hispanic, guys. It's settled. Now, every time someone asks if I'm black, I always say, uh, I don't know. I don't know who my dad is. And every time, they say, oh, so you're black.

Starting point is 01:37:12 Oh. And every time, I rob them. What do you expect, you know? I was hanging out with some friends the other day, and one of them told me how I've been looking like shit lately. So I said, thanks, man. I'm really trying to get that Pete Davidson look down. Thank you, guys.

Starting point is 01:37:40 All right. Rodrigo Marin. Not only do you have Pete Davidson's look down, you also have his stand-up back down as well. Really? Yeah. Yeah! Wasn't intentional. We're having fun here. I'm just kidding.

Starting point is 01:37:57 Pete's great. Uh... Uh... Rodrigo, how old are you? 26. 26, what do you do for work? I'm a waiter at a restaurant. Okay, what do you do for fun?

Starting point is 01:38:16 Smoke weed and go to the gym. Yeah. Wow. A lot of people go into the gym for fun. When did the gym become an answer for what do you do for fun? This episode. It's people.

Starting point is 01:38:27 Well, I used to body build. Really? Yeah. When I was in college. I'm guessing that didn't work out. It didn't. No. Steroids, I was like, I'm good.

Starting point is 01:38:37 Yeah. OK. All right. OK. Did you do steroids? No. No. Right. You don All right. Did you do steroids? No, no. Right. So. You don't believe me.

Starting point is 01:38:48 No, no, I believe you. Okay. I believe you. You are an interesting looking guy. The longer I stare at you, the weirder looking you get. Same here to you, to be honest. Wow, what a comeback. What an amazing comeback. Same to you.

Starting point is 01:39:02 Well written. Your act is getting stronger after the minute. Rodrigo, so what's your love life like, Rodrigo? Non-existent since comedy started, to be honest. It's gotten worse every- How long have you been doing comedy? Year and a half. Year and a half.

Starting point is 01:39:21 All of it here in Austin? No, I just moved here from San Antonio. Yeah. Okay. The long just moved here from San Antonio. Okay, the long 45-minute drive from San Antonio. Hour and a half, sometimes. Okay. All right. So you live on the west side of San Antonio? No, I'm not that ratchet. All right.

Starting point is 01:39:40 No, north side, north side. By UTSA area, yeah. All right. With your, you have a big family? I do, yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Two brothers, well, one of my brothers, I count him a nephew, he's my nephew,

Starting point is 01:39:56 I count him as a brother, and then two sisters. Have they seen you do comedy? They have not, no. No, neither have I. Yeah. Oh. What? It is, is that your best material you think, or is that stuff you've written recently?

Starting point is 01:40:16 I think I have better jokes, but they're a little bit longer. Okay. Yeah. A lot longer? No, just like 30 seconds. All right, let's hear one of your best jokes. One of my best? Yeah. I want to hear one of your best jokes.

Starting point is 01:40:27 Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his best jokes. It's a little bit longer. All right, gonna give him a chance here. I want to see what you got. Year and a half in. Rodrigo, man. I went to a gay bar in college. I got kicked out for hitting on all the girls. Right? Yeah, they were like,

Starting point is 01:40:47 he's not gay, imposter. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gay, I'm gay. And they were like, proven. I was like, oh, fuck. So there I was, you know, proving I'm gay... to get the girls, right? And I was like, ah, you believe me now, huh?

Starting point is 01:41:09 Wait, how about now, huh? I was like... Ah, am I fucking gay, dude, or what? What? What? What? All right. Get out of Tony's mind.

Starting point is 01:41:27 It's true. I go to gay bars just to pick up chicks all the time. You're just curious. Amazing. Okay. Rodrigo, let's try to figure out some real actual funny stuff about your actual life, okay? Other than the gym, right? What are some other things that you tend to do

Starting point is 01:41:52 or that are interesting or that make you different or your perspective is different or that you find weird about you or your life or your upbringing or anything? Anything ever happen to you? You ever get molested or something? Uh, no on that one. Anything ever happen to you? You ever get molested or something? Uh... No, I'm that one, but, uh, I mean,

Starting point is 01:42:10 nobody in my family knows who my dad is. But... Normally, yeah. Nobody in my family knows who their dad is. Ooh. Nobody in my family knows who their dad is. It feels like there's gonna be a but there and more to this story.

Starting point is 01:42:29 Um... What did your mom say? Well, she said that... She said that it's just one dude, but everybody else says it's not. I don't believe. I don't know who to believe. Yeah, he's... So, when's the last time you talked to your mom about this? Not too long ago.

Starting point is 01:42:47 When I bring it up, though, she's like... Do you have your phone on you? Could we call her? I... I don't have it on me. Is that on me? I don't have it. Let's unlock his phone. Let's do it. Let's get the phone unlocker out here. You want to call mom? Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:43:02 Yeah, I'm gonna call... We gotta call mom, dude. I think we... We'll call mom. I think I'm gonna call. We gotta call mom, dude. I think we... I'm calling mom. I think if we just call her, I think she'll understand. She's very Mexican. Okay. Shh. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could keep it... She's very Mexican.

Starting point is 01:43:15 If you could keep it quiet, she's Mexican. Will that... Then we'll have Michael Gonzalez translate for us. Okay, let's do it. Let's do it. I'm calling her. All right. This is crazy. Here, you gotta put the... Face timer! What's your mother's name? Shana.

Starting point is 01:43:29 Shana. Shana. Okay. And make sure you put the volume all the way up, and then when you hit send on the call, put the microphone up to the absolute bottom of the phone, right up against it, okay? Okay, she does work in the morning, so let's see. She's awake. Put the phone, put the mic next to the bottom of it.

Starting point is 01:43:52 Put it on speaker. Put it on speaker. Oh, you're FaceTiming her. With a face like that, I would go with an audio call. It's a FaceTime only a mother could love. She's... Come on, pick up, Shana. Turn it up. Turn the volume up.

Starting point is 01:44:17 My phone, that's all it's got. No way. Give me that. Oh, shit. Mom's hot. Hold on. Oh, excuse me. I'm here with your son. Holy shit, she had to. Oh, is it voicemail? Is it voicemail?

Starting point is 01:44:34 Hello? Excuse me. Shane, are you there? Oh, it beeped. Damn it. Let's go back. You fell for it, Jimmy. What the fuck?

Starting point is 01:44:43 Your mom is... You fell for her voicemail what the fuck? Your mom is... You fell for her voicemail, dude? Hold on. Hello? Are you okay? They're almost done. Not yet. I'll tell you right now. A little bit more.

Starting point is 01:44:56 She's drunk. She's drinking. She's off. Okay. Hold on. Shana, hello? Hello? Shana, can you hear me? Hey. Shana? Hello? Well, hello. Hello? Shana, can you hear me? Shana? Hello? Well, hello, we're here with your son

Starting point is 01:45:09 and we need to know who his father is. Who's he, what? We know you caught a lot of dicks 27 years ago. We need to know whose dick you caught. What? Laughter Shayna. It was his own dad. His name was also Rodrigo.

Starting point is 01:45:33 But where is this guy? How can we track him down? Rodrigo wants to meet him. And where do you think we should look if we wanted to find him, Shayna? Oh, shit. I don't know whether... I don't know. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Starting point is 01:45:54 You're on the show right now, Shana. You're on one of the biggest shows in the world right now. My name's Tony. Have you heard... Aah! Whee! I think... My name's Tony. Have you heard? -"Aah!" Whistle Laughter I think your mother just queefed. Laughter

Starting point is 01:46:17 Shayna, I'm looking at the picture that you're unbelievably stunning. -"Oh, thank you. Yeah. What are you doing Wednesday night? I'm kidding. Uh, I'm off work. Oh.

Starting point is 01:46:35 Oh. Oh. Oh. Rodrigo, you might not know who your dad is, but you're about to meet your stepdad right now. It's, uh... I've... I... Ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 01:46:50 I've said it before, I'll say it again. Tony Hinchliff is a motherfucker. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Um, tell you something, I'll be your lover. How hot is she? She's very hot. Look at the picture. I'm so hot. Wow. This is the picture. What's wrong? Wow.

Starting point is 01:47:07 This is the first time ever where I can really look a guy in the eyes and go, I want to fuck your mom. No. He took a picture of it? No way. What are you going to do with that later, rip it? Oh, my God, he really did. Yeah, she's a smoke show. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:47:30 It's crazy. Oh, my goodness. Spank bank for Red Band, wow. Eyebrows on fleek is what they said. Yeah, she's got some cleavage there. You used to... They used to... All right.

Starting point is 01:47:43 Uh, okay. Looks like you and I have more in common than I thought when I first saw you. Because I'm also going to suck on your mother's dicks. Wow. Ta-da! What? Chances are you're also gonna ruin her pussy.

Starting point is 01:48:06 Ha-ha-ha-ha! But I'll always be here. You'll always know right where I am, and any time you need a father figure in your life, come to me, and I'll help you. You got money? Uh, that's... You said, you said...

Starting point is 01:48:24 I could see why your dad left. Now that you're a little gold-diggin' boy, that's what you are. All right, I'll tell you what. Even though the minute was pretty rough, maybe it's because you were following Ari Matty and also the joke about the gay bar, you know, whatever, but I'm giving you a medium joke book here

Starting point is 01:48:40 just so that you could put in a good word for me with your mom. Fuck. Look at it, look get it. That's fine. Fun times, Rodrigo. Keep signing up. We'll come back again. Rodrigo Marin, everybody. He pulled it back! Oh! Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 01:49:04 Ay, ay, ay! We're having fun here tonight. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. We're running a little bit long here tonight. Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. It's Adam Sincere. This is definitely a new name. I would remember an Adam Sincere.

Starting point is 01:49:20 Oh, shit! Oh, shit! One more time for your final bucket pull of the night. Adam Sincere. Oh shit. Oh shit. One more time for your final bucket full of the night, Adam Sincere, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much. Como esta, ustedes?

Starting point is 01:49:36 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, hey, hey. Yeah. Yeah. I love it, all right. This is fantastic.

Starting point is 01:49:43 I took the bus down here and this family got on. They had like a baby in a stroller and this kid had a golden earring on. And I'm not trying to tell you I had a parent, but it's kind of unfair, right? I mean, the kid can't even talk yet. And already he's cooler than me. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:04 Then I saw a bumper sticker on the way. It said, no farms, no food. This guy just hates everything. Say, do we have any Jesus fans here? All right. I love it. I'm a little embarrassed. I was raised thinking that he died for our sins. I just found out, apparently what happened is a bunch of guys killed him.

Starting point is 01:50:28 So... Really. I did a joke about masturbating, too, but I'm gonna save that for when it comes in handy. Thank you. Adam Sincere with his Kill Tony debut. Right down the hatch. Look at you. You're a silly little rock star, aren't you?

Starting point is 01:50:46 Grab the microphone, Adam. You're like a throwback. Pardon me. Oh, yeah. Hi, Adam. Common sense back there. Hello. How are you doing? Great. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Uh...

Starting point is 01:51:00 How long has it been? It's been about two years before the pandemic, and then I rolled over and died during that for a little while. I'm trying to get back in. Okay. Where do you live? Boston. Really? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:51:12 Wow. Oh, yes. And you're just visiting? I moved here about a week and a half ago. Oh, congratulations. Jimmy Carr. What year is it where you're from? I got shot down somewhere over the Pacific and then I just kind of woke up here so really. I kind of love this guy. I think it's the lines though, the jokes, forget the jokes, the facial expressions of the punchline.

Starting point is 01:51:38 Yeah. You just exude funny and then the lines meh. You've got a great face. Thank you. Thank you, Jimmy. I'm speechless. It feels like you're a cartoon. Yeah. Doesn't feel real. Yeah. No, I completely agree.

Starting point is 01:51:57 You have a look, you fucking dress up for the night, you look like a professional, you act like you move like a professional. The jokes could use up a little bit of something, but obviously you're, you're two, whatever, two years before the pandemic. It's like you're coming back. Oh yes.

Starting point is 01:52:16 You're making some kind of return. I'm trying to. And you just moved here a week and a half ago, so you're in the right place. I feel like it, especially after this adulation. Really? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Ad place. I feel like it, especially after this adulation, really. Yeah. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:52:25 Yeah. Adulation. I feel it. Yeah, it feels like it's like watching Family Guy, the casting for the young Peter Griffin. Yeah. Yeah. Family Guy meets Scooby Doo.

Starting point is 01:52:42 Who? Something's going on here. What do you do for work, exactly? Um, I've been bartending for a while, but I'm on a hunt right now. I just applied for a farmhand and a private investigator this morning. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:52:57 Well, I think it's, yeah, that's very smart because you really want to narrow your search. You really want to specialize in a private investigator on a farm, maybe? Preferably. Do you have any experience in farming whatsoever? Is there a lot of farming where you live in Boston? No. Right.

Starting point is 01:53:19 I'm eager. Well, you're dressed as a 70s detective. That's got to help, hasn't it? It does. Yeah, in sleuthing for a job, it definitely helps to dress the part on the computer. So. Wow. So, yeah, did you go to the...

Starting point is 01:53:38 Did you go to the farmhand interview dressed like that? I actually, I didn't get a call back. Wow. A call back? It's not show business didn't get a call back. Wow. A call back? It's not a show business, it's a farm hand. You took a head shot to a farm hand job? My agent said I didn't get the role at the farm hand. How about the PI thing?

Starting point is 01:53:58 Do you have any experience in that whatsoever? I don't, it just, it seems, you know, when you're a little boy, you wanna be a cop and then you grow up and you realize you don't wanna hurt any one, but just, it seems, you know, when you're a little boy, you wanna be a cop and then you grow up and you realize you don't wanna hurt anyone, but you like the whole, you know, adventure. Sorry, I don't, I'm harmless, you couldn't be? I like sneaking around and saving the day,

Starting point is 01:54:15 but like, you know, I don't wanna kill anyone. There's a couple of cops in going, no, we like hurting people. You just haven't given it a go. So you only have experienced bartending, pretty much? As, yeah, as an adult, if you can call it that, yeah, pretty much. How many years have you bartended? Uh, four. Okay, so yeah, have you thought about looking for bartending jobs in the city of Austin,

Starting point is 01:54:41 a place which per capita has more bars than any other city in the world? I have, I actually, I did get a call back today, so. You did get a call back. Very good. Fingers across for the job that you actually can do. Jimmy Carr. I'm just thinking about Scooby Doo. I know, it's crazy.

Starting point is 01:55:00 We're all thinking, where's Scoob? Yeah, do you live in a van? I thought about it. Um... Uh, but, no, I did try living near the Charles River for a month just to see what all the hype was about. Uh, I wouldn't recommend it. I got, like, five minutes of good material from it,

Starting point is 01:55:15 but, you know. That's a crazy river in Boston? Oh, yes. Okay. It's like a Boston bean. I don't know about it. Okay. So, Adam Sincere, tell us, how do you end up like this? Okay. It's like a Boston bean. I don't know about it. Okay. So, Adam Sincere, tell us, how do you end up like this?

Starting point is 01:55:29 You have a wacky family, childhood or something? Um, uh, there's a lot of possibilities. How old are you again? For some reason, you look young and like you fought in Vietnam. There's... There's definitely something, uh, something mixed up spiritually, but I'm 31. I know, I know, I know.

Starting point is 01:55:54 And you were born on the 4th of July. It is incredible. I can't get enough of this guy. I really like him. Yeah, it's amazing. What else have you done comedically? Like, what type of accomplishments do you have? Um, I've been writing in notebooks since I was 16, but I've always been too shy, and, you know,

Starting point is 01:56:17 if anyone else wants to go first, you know, I'm happy to get in the back of the line, and, uh... That's... I wouldn't recommend it. You gotta speak up for yourself. We gotta get you out there. We gotta get you out there. Your face is just funny. Yeah. Everything, I love it.

Starting point is 01:56:32 Thank you. It is true. I'm trying to figure out, what do you do for fun? What are your hobbies and whatnot? I've kind of sequestered myself. I like to get high and play music. I'm trying to actually be more productive, so I'm kind of sober, even California sober right now.

Starting point is 01:56:54 That means I haven't done any drugs in a week, and it's been a very long week. That means pot. You're talking about pot? Pot, um, you know, mushrooms are great. A social drink is fine. Uh-huh. Um, but I've never dabbled really with anything. Are you Gary Oldman playing a character right now?

Starting point is 01:57:13 He's, well, literally the best actor in the world, and I'm starting to see it. And today, you're so good, you're playing a 31-year-old wacky comedian who's looking for a job in Austin. That's why you keep accidentally saying callback for all these things. You're one of the greatest actors in the world, aren't you? You might be on to something, my friend. Have you gotten that before? Have people told you you look like Gary Oldman?

Starting point is 01:57:40 No, I've gotten a Jonathan Taylor-Tomliss... with, um... blended with Cam from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and a little bit of one of the Baldwin brothers thrown in there. Yeah, I could see all that. You have a look. Have you always had bangs? Good question, Red Band.

Starting point is 01:58:01 Brian Red Band. I'm pretty sure his next line is, can I finger you? Yeah. I am jobless. No, I gave myself a mullet during the pandemic, the barbershop shutdown, and then like every three months I get wine drunk and I just wake up Dutch and I...

Starting point is 01:58:19 Look at that. Oh yeah. You wake up Dutch? Well, you know, it's... What does that mean? It's like a perfect bowl cut in the front and then has to grow in and look natural. Yeah. Uh. You're such a fucking character.

Starting point is 01:58:33 This is so interesting. It just... Thank you. God damn. You need to get him a good bartending job somewhere. It's a shame we don't know anybody that owns a comedy club around here. All right. You must be staffed at the time.

Starting point is 01:58:52 How much longer do you have until you run out of money and have to go back to the Charles River with your, you probably do have a tail between your legs. He does have a look, like he might have like a weird little tail that like waggles and can't see it, because it's underneath his pants. Anybody else get that? Okay. It's the first time I've said that in 12 years. Uh...

Starting point is 01:59:15 Do you have a tail? I-I don't. I've never tried adding one, either. Um... Prove it. Oh, my God. Whoa. All right. That's either. Prove it. Whoa, all right, that's enough, that's enough. Whiskey bar. Yeah, you're giving us all whiskey all right now. But no, I got hit by a car,

Starting point is 01:59:39 so I have a nest egg at the moment. Okay, tell us about this car accident. Were you walking or driving? Bicycling. Okay, wait, tell us about this car accident. Um... Were you walking or driving? Bicycling. Wow, okay. Do you have a basket on the front of your bike? I can picture a basket. You do? It was on the back, but I did have a basket.

Starting point is 01:59:54 He had a basket on the bike. Let the record show I saw a basket. And, God damn it, he had a basket. And you got hit at speed? Uh, when I was moving, or...? Yeah, what were you... Oh, yes....playing this picture? I was bicycling home, and the sun was just setting. Where were you going home from?

Starting point is 02:00:12 Uh, the bar. Oh, so it was late, in the middle of the night? Well, it was still bright enough. That's important because the person said that they were blinded by headlights, but it was still daylight, so... I'm not buying it. Um, correct. Did they play the bass guitar? Uh, actually... that they were blinded by headlights, but it was still daylight, so I'm not buying it. Correct.

Starting point is 02:00:25 Did they play the bass guitar? Actually, the only reason I got litigious is they left the car running, they left the windows up, they never got out. Instead a mechanic across the street ran over and he made the call, but this person just left their car running over me, so I said, now I have to sue you. Like, an apology, that's totally fine. It would have led bygones. So if someone runs you over, but they apologize, you're OK with it.

Starting point is 02:00:53 But if they just drive off, you go, well, that seems a bit much. So let us... You may be the nicest man in the world. The world is wondering right now. So they hit you, they left the car running, they hit... They hit... Well, that's gonna be triggering. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. So they hit you, and then they get out of the car and run on foot?

Starting point is 02:01:18 No, no, no, they stayed in the car. It was running, and they just left the windows up. Like, they just... I think they were scared, I have to assume. What type of person was it? What did they look like? The mechanic said, ma'am, don't leave, sir, don't move. And so I- That was you, you were the-

Starting point is 02:01:35 Well, you've got a strange haircut. Yeah. I've got a very masculine pratfall though, so they could probably tell. Okay. Okay. Okay, final question here. What amount of money did you get from this lawsuit? Oh, it was, in the end, it was about $12,000.

Starting point is 02:01:56 $12,000, ladies and gentlemen, wow. He said 12 for a second, we all had a number in our head. And then the hard thousand. So we has weeks to survive here. 12, 12,000. 12,000 Jimmy. I might start running people over. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:02:13 Ha ha ha. And then just sit there staring straight forward with the windows up. Here's your money. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Amazing. Sorry. Here's your money. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, but look at you. You're very lucky, except for when it comes to riding a bicycle. Uh, here's a big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Adam Sincere has arrived to the Killtony universe. What a fucking episode tonight,

Starting point is 02:02:57 and there's only one way to end an episode like this. Killtony brought to you by Blue Nile, Nicked, and Bluechute. Reminder, Jimmy Carr is on a global tour. JimmyCarr.com. He's going to Australia, New Zealand, and Europe and all over America. JimmyCarr.com.

Starting point is 02:03:16 Ladies and gentlemen, now is the time that you have all been waiting for. I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever in the history of the show, the most interviews ever, the most everything ever. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him the Great King of Kebabs. He's known for going to food trucks.

Starting point is 02:03:39 Some people call him the Prince of Pizza, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. -♪ -♪ -♪ Biden's got terminal prostate cancer. Apparently he caught it at one of P. Diddy's freak offs. They might be giants.

Starting point is 02:04:23 They might be annoying. Okay, that's a band. Okay, let's keep moving. They might be giants. They might be annoying. Okay, that's a band. Okay, let's keep moving. Want to know if someone went to either public or private school. Ask them if their high school graduation was loud. Barak Obama's daughter Malia has been accused of plagiarism. Apparently, she developed a commercial for Nike that was shockingly similar to another black person's work.

Starting point is 02:04:50 The commercial began, I have a dream. That doesn't sound familiar to me. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you. The legend. The one. The only. The young king. William Montgomery. Jimmy Carr.

Starting point is 02:05:07 I mean, Louis C.K.F.C. No doubt. That's what I'm going for, sir. It's fantastic. It's great to see you. Well, thank you so much. It's wonderful to see you as well, Jimmy. He's fully formed, isn't he?

Starting point is 02:05:15 He really is. He just... It's a look that wouldn't... I mean, it's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look.

Starting point is 02:05:23 It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not just a look. It's a look that's not to see you. Well, thank you so much. It's wonderful to see you as well, Jimmy. Ha ha ha. He's fully formed, isn't he? He really is. He just is. It's a look that no other industry would accept this. Right. I was not doing well at my storage unit job.

Starting point is 02:05:35 I was working at a storage unit place before this, and I used to get into with my manager, Christina Gonzalez. And I swear to God, I think she didn't like me because I had red hair. She was a Hispanic girl. And I love Hispanic God, I think she didn't like me because I had red hair. She was a Hispanic girl, and I love Hispanic people, but she was Hispanic, and I think she had something that gets red out of people. Well, fuck that bitch.

Starting point is 02:05:52 Yeah, she was horrible. She was a fat, nasty, fucking, I don't know, just nasty, horrible person, but. Well, she works at a storage unit facility, and you're now one of the most famous comedians in the world. How exciting is that? Come out. Were you living and working at the storage facility?

Starting point is 02:06:12 No I was not. I was living in a place with six other people and where was it? Echo Park in LA. When we moved Jimmy, when I moved the spot on my mattress it was all black. It looked like, the spot on my mattress, it was all black. It looked like somebody had died on my mattress, because at the time, I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine, and I would just pass out on my mattress at night without any covers or anything, so it looked like a big black spot.

Starting point is 02:06:37 It's nice, it's nice, because cocaine used to be a very glamorous drug. And I really feel you're making it feel more accessible. Yeah. Which is good, that's what I'm going for. It almost destroyed my life, but I miss it. I miss it, I miss being able to do it. How often do you think about it?

Starting point is 02:06:57 We never really talk about that. Think about doing cocaine? Yeah. I got, I was, uh, somewhere this week at Tony, and I got somebody a beer, and I got mad at them, because I was like, okay, get the fucking beer out of my hands. I poured the beer for somebody, and I was like, okay, get it out of my hands,

Starting point is 02:07:13 because I really wanted to drink this week at Tony. I've been feeling kind of crazy recently, so I really wanted to drink, but I didn't drink, because I think I'm at four years of not drinking, like, this week, so that's good. Wow. I was about to kill myself, Jimmy, so I had to stop drinking.

Starting point is 02:07:30 Don't fucking do it. Don't do it. This is the new dopamine. This is the shit. This is the genuine joy, right? Drugs and alcohol are a proxy for the joy you get from life, right? The real joy.

Starting point is 02:07:42 This is the real fucking shit. And you're great at it. You're fucking great at it. And the joy you bring to others is unmatched, William. It is incredible. Every single week. Well, so what was it like fighting in the Civil War? Yeah. It was crazy. I was against a bunch of fucking Yankees.

Starting point is 02:08:01 It was a nightmare. Uh, fucking Gettysburg was a real crazy place. It was a G of fucking Yankees. It was a nightmare. Fucking Gettysburg was a real crazy place. It was a Gettysburg. I was with... If you told me you had wooden teeth, I would believe you. You just feel like you're from another era. I love it.

Starting point is 02:08:15 It is such a look, William. What have you been up to this week? Where did you go? Had to go to LA for a memorial for somebody. So it was very sad. So I was real kind of down this week. And then it was, I was able to go to LA for a memorial for somebody. So it was very sad. So I was real kind of down this week. And then it was, I was able to go to the fair. I went to the LA County Fair. So that was fun.

Starting point is 02:08:32 I went around the fair for 10 hours on Thursday. Wow. What did you do at, what did you, what did you... What did you do at the fair? I ate two foot long corn dogs. I ate, what else did I eat? I ate a bunch of ice cream, ate some sauce serve, ate, uh... Tell us what else you ate, William.

Starting point is 02:08:53 Fuck, I ate corn on the cob, corn in a bowl. Um... Are you gonna get a little louder on the fucking horns, you pieces of shit? I mean, it's like Jimmy's in the fucking building tonight. Come on. Y'all know I was eating some motherfucking corn. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:11 Y'all know I was eating some hot dogs. Yeah. Y'all know I was eating the corn dogs. Y'all know I was eating skittles. Y'all know I was eating him in X. Y'all know I was eating him and he all know I was drinking some Coca-Cola. Ah! Ah!

Starting point is 02:09:31 And it's a bananas Tony, I need to get some fruit in there. You mixed in some fruit. What's, how much cocaine did you do and what's the half life of cocaine? It feels like you may be residual still very high. Every once in a while he snaps back into having cocaine energies. What else did you snack on anything else at the fair? Yeah, I mean I had a fucking... What are the big...what's the big bone with the, uh...

Starting point is 02:10:07 Turkey leg! You had a turkey leg. I had a turkey leg! Oh! Wow. I had a donut cheeseburger! A donut cheeseburger. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Starting point is 02:10:19 Jimmy, that's a donut cut in half and cheeseburger in the middle. Yes, I don't know what you're working on. Type 3 diabetes? Well, I don't know what you're working on. Type 3 diabetes? Well, it's not good. I had my blood tested last week, and my A1C is not good. I'm pre-diabetic right now.

Starting point is 02:10:35 What's your blood type? Gravy. What's my blood type? What? Gravy. Gravy, yeah. What's the, uh, what was, my A1C is 5.8 right now, it's apparently, it's pre-diabetic. Wow. Hey listen, I believe in you, you can get there.

Starting point is 02:10:54 Thank you. I know, thank you, but yeah, I'm pre-diabetic. So what have you been eating since you got these blood test results? Give us some of the snacks that you've been eating since you found out you were pre-diabetic. Yeah, well you want to know what I ate for dinner tonight? Yeah. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Wow!

Starting point is 02:11:11 Are you ever going to stop eating crazy? I'm never going to stop eating peanut butter and jelly! William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. The reigning defending record holder on every level of the show, and he's done it again. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in.

Starting point is 02:11:34 Up tonight's guest, Jimmy Carr. It is incredible. How about one more time for Jimmy Carr, ladies and gentlemen? JimmyCarr.com. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Tony. One of the best guests in the history of the show. We love you, Jimmy. Un-fucking-believable.

Starting point is 02:11:49 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up over there tonight. Ooh. I'm guessing that's... Casey, maybe? Casey Rocket? Ari Matty? Okay, Ari Matty. All right. Sometimes they need a little touch up after the show, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 02:12:06 Tiled in. How about one more time for Chris Rogers, amazing local artist, we love him. Chris Rogers art on social media. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Matt Mueling, John B's, Nick Lewis on the bass, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo,

Starting point is 02:12:24 and Raul Vallejo, Red Band. Check out the secret trail every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Love you guys. I'm doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden night one in August, August 16th or the 17th. Madison Square Garden. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:12:41 And then we're doing Kill Tony the next night, so it's a big two-night fiasco at Madison Square Garden. You're coming to London're doing Kill Tony the next night, so it's a big two night fiasco at Madison Square Garden. You're coming to London, right? You're coming to London. And we're going to be in London in a month. June 7th? June 7th, yeah.

Starting point is 02:12:53 June 7th in London, Kill Tony, get tickets. Let's go. We love you. God bless this audience. Thank you so much. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night everybody, thank you! The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open!

Starting point is 02:13:32 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Music Christopher Nolan, Bong Joon Ho, Sean Baker, they have all won the Academy Award for Best Director. What else do they have in common? They all got their start at the Slamdance Film Festival, just like us. Hi, I'm Dana Gallagher. And I'm Michael Gallagher. And we're launching the Slamdance First Film Podcast. It's a weekly interview series where we sit down with your favorite filmmakers to get

Starting point is 02:14:42 a mini masterclass in the secrets to making your first feature film. On the Slamdance First Film Podcast, you will listen to guests like filmmaker Sean Baker, the writer and director of Enora, teach you how to make a movie for $3,000 with a two-person crew. Or listen to the Russo Brothers, directors of Avengers Endgame, teach you about how melding minds with your collaborators can create exponential success. Subscribe to the Slamdance First Film podcast for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now.

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KILL TONY - KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

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