Know Thyself - E74 - Stephan Speaks, LOVE Expert: When A Man REALLY Loves You, He Will SHOW UP Like This!

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

For anyone looking to start and grow a THRIVING podcast - Click https://www.podcastpurpose.com/ Relationship expert Stephan Speaks shares his wisdom and expertise on how to cultivate a thriving and healthy relationship. He delves into the nuances between love and infatuation, providing valuable insights on how to distinguish between these intense emotions and last after the honeymoon phase. He sheds light on the common blockages that keep people from falling in love - from courting while dating to co-dependancy. Stephan also reveals the 3 factors that determine if your relationship is going to work.  Cultivating healthy masculine and feminine dynamics within a partnership is crucial for sustainable and harmonious relationships. Stephan shares invaluable advice on fostering a balanced and supportive dynamic, allowing each partner to thrive authentically. On the flip-side of falling in love, heartbreak can be one of our greatest teachers in life. Stephan and André discuss how to heal after a breakup and cultivate the courage to start dating again. ___________ Timecodes: 0:00 Intro 1:22 Exciting Update with Know Thyself 2:29 The Difference Between Love and Infatuation 4:27 Is it Trauma-Bonding or Genuine Attraction? 6:22 How to Heal Neediness & Co-dependancy  8:44 3 Factors that Determine If a Relationship Works (Chemistry, Compatibility, Connection) 12:54 Why Courting Ruins Relationships 16:11 Using Relationships as a Mirror for your Growth 20:44 Stephan’s Journey of Becoming His True Self 25:13  The Power of Authenticity  29:18 Cultivating the Courage to Fall in Love Again 36:01 When to Lean in vs. When to Let Go 41:02 How to Heal Through Heartbreak 46:53 Why Some Women Like Bad Boys 49:35 This is a HUGE Problem for Men... 52:38 Why He Has Commitment Issues 58:45 Spiritual Connection in relationship 1:01:58 Getting Clear on What You Want 1:05:50 Can They Change? Pattern vs Potential 1:10:04 “You Complete Me” 1:13:18 Navigating The Biological Pressure to Have Kids 1:19:20 Revering and Supporting the Feminine 1:25:55 Everybody Needs to Heal 1:27:49 Conclusion ___________ Stephan Labossiere is a man on a mission, and that mission is to make relationships happier and more fulfilling. As a certified relationship coach, a speaker and author, Stephan seizes every opportunity to help both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. From understanding the opposite sex, to navigating the paths and avoiding the pitfalls of relationships and self growth, Stephan’s relationship advice and insight helps countless individuals achieve an authentically amazing life. Stephan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in the way of the life and love they seek and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. Dedicated to helping, and devoted to keeping it real, Stephan’s straightforward, yet compassionate delivery style, attracts a versatile clientele including; notable celebrities, civic and social organizations, academic institutions, singles, and couples alike, who can and are ready to handle the truth! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephanspeaks/ Website: https://www.stephanspeaks.com ___________ Download André's FREE Book Recommendation List: https://www.knowthyself.one/books Know Thyself Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/knowthyself/ Website: https://www.knowthyself.one Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ4wglCWTJeWQC0exBalgKg Listen to all episodes on Audio:  Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4FSiemtvZrWesGtO2MqTZ4?si=d389c8dee8fa4026 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/know-thyself/id1633725927 André Duqum Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/andreduqum/ Meraki Media https://merakimedia.com https://www.instagram.com/merakimedia/

People confuse love with so many different things. We have friendships that are relationships. We have family relationships that are relationships. We have business, work relationships. And through all these different avenues, you can discover more about yourself. There's a reason why we have a high divorce rate. There's this assumption that you have to sacrifice your freedom to be in a relationship. I think that's wrong.

Do you feel like it's dangerous to try to embellish who we are in the courting phase of connecting? Absolutely. It's dangerous. So essentially what happens to a lot of people is they're trying to be something else in order to gain the attention of favor of this individual. By doing that and not presenting their real self, they now may actually get this individual, but they can't sustain what attracted them in the first place. You're so blinded by trying to get this person that you don't realize you won't be happy either. If you're with someone long enough, they're probably going to hurt you. The problem that I find with a lot of couples is that they'll say, oh, we talked about it.

No, you yelled and screamed about it. A lot of issues are misunderstandings. When do you know it's time to lean in versus let go? I feel like that's actually where a lot of men have gone wrong. Healing is one of the hardest things for people to do. Once we become our healed cells, we can tap into our true cells and we can live life at our highest potential. Before we jump into this episode, I want to remind you that we just launched our very first

program in chorus here at Know Thyself. For anyone who is looking to one day create a podcast, grow an exesuit. one or learn how to really effectively share their voice and message with the world. Podcast with Purpose is officially live and you can learn more at podcastpurpose.com or the link down below. Now let's jump into this episode. Hello, beautiful beings. Welcome back to the Nile Self podcast for every single week. We get the honor and privilege to sit down with a brilliant mind to learn more about the true nature of self and the world around us at deeper levels every single week. Our guest today is a certified relationship coach. He is an author, a speaker, and somebody that travels the

world and make so much content, supporting people, discover more happy and fulfilling relationships. And this whole podcast, I think, is going to be very valuable for anybody who is currently in a relationship or who one day will be, which is pretty much everybody listening, and who's looking to navigate connection relationships and what it really means to live a life of love. So Stefan speaks. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me. Yeah. Pleasure. There's so much that we can dive into. I want to start with what you feel, the differences in your distinction between love and infatuation. Ooh. So one, let me say, I think people confuse love with so many different things, all right?

And love is getting a bad rep because people are attaching, for example, when they get hurt, they'll say love felled them, but love didn't hurt them, a lack of love did. Fear getting, contaminating that person or that individual who thought they were in love, that's what caused all these things to go wrong. attach it to love because they feel like love led them there, so to speak. But when we're talking about infatuation, to me, it's more so getting caught up in the hype, getting caught up in the fantasy of someone, attaching yourself to certain aspects about them, but you don't really grasp the death of who this individual is and if they truly even fit into your life. It's just what you

want. It's not necessarily what you need or what's best for you. And I think that feeling of infatuation can again lead people to assume, well, I must love them because I'm so consumed by them and I think about them all the time, but you don't even really know them. And even when you are around them, are you yourself with them? Can you communicate with them? Are those core principles in place that really say, no, this is actual love and not just infatuation or an unhealthy attachment? It's really important. And so much of what you brought up there, I think it's important to dive deeper into in terms of attraction and how we relate to those individuals that we're attracted to and to really discern in where we're coming from when the energy is, you know, whether it's a

physical, spiritual, emotional connection that we feel with somebody to really pay attention to where that place is coming from if it's feeling like we're trying to fill a hole or a void within ourselves or if there's even these insidious kind of shadow material and trauma bonding, right, that is really driving that. So I'd love for you to share a little bit more about trauma bonding, really masquerading as genuine affection. And I think, you know, to your point, people have to go within and be honest with themselves. And you have to ask yourself, if I believe I love them, why? Why do I love this person?

Because I've asked that question to some individuals. And then when they gave me the list of reasons, all the reasons were things that they did for that person, not what that person does for them. It was a bunch of things tied to, again, the fantasy and the hope of what they they believed it can be not the reality of what it was. And so now when we talk about trauma bonding, you know, the reality is that, and I think the key word is bond. It's easy to bond with someone when we have a similar interest, a similar struggle, a similar trauma that we've experienced because we can relate to each other.

We can understand each other better. And therefore, we feel not crazy with this person. Like, everyone else doesn't understand us, but they do. Because they've been through what we've been through. And again, it gives this false sense of, well, maybe we're supposed to be together. Maybe this is my person. But it's like, no, okay, yes, you guys may be bonding over this trauma, but it doesn't mean you guys have what it takes to be in a healthy, loving relationship with each other.

And the kind of crazy reality is that a lot of times it's the unresolved trauma that leads people to choosing the wrong person to be with. So you can't even see clearly and understand who. fits into your life because you're still living within the box of your trauma. And you still think you are that person who's traumatized. You don't know who you really are once you set yourself free from all that negative energy. And so a lot of people are just falling into that trap because, again, it feels safe. It feels comfortable. But it ends up in a lot of times blowing up in people's faces later on down the road. What are some important things you think are to pay attention to

when we feel attraction within people. I feel like when we think and we feel like the need to be with somebody, like there's something so magnetic in terms of there's something insatiable that they're providing for us. I feel like that's really important to pay attention to because somebody

who's whole can share the joy of somebody without feeling the need to extract it necessarily. And so I want you to speak to the difference of feeling the need to be with somebody versus kind of attracting somebody that is an energetic match to you. So again, I think the need to be, with someone a lot of times is based out of fear. And it's the fear of I will never find this again.

It's the fear of, you know, I don't even want to be alone. It's the fear of I've already invested so much into this situation in hopes that it will become something that now I don't want to walk away from the investment. And so we feel like we need them because we have not learned how to function or how to walk on our own two feet without whatever this person has been providing. Because, yes, there are some situations where individuals may have gotten a boost from this person they met, whether it be they help me be more confident or they've allowed me or help me navigate through certain situations. And now we think that we need them to be able to continue to conquer things that come against us in life. But none of us are supposed to have to be so attached to someone that we cannot function without them. And we have to learn how to handle things on our own.

Yes, it doesn't mean our partners won't help and pour into us. But when we now make it a need, we actually put the burden on them. And now we can end up draining our partners because we don't know how to do it without them. Right. Not, okay, let's do it together because we're a team and we love each other. It's no, I'm incapable of doing this. So now I'm putting it on you. And if that person's having a bad day or struggling with something,

now they're going to the stress of your expectations and what you're putting on their back, plus what they have to deal with already also. So I definitely think when it comes to the whole idea of needing, it also comes from a lack of self-esteem for a lot of people and a lack of self-worth and thinking that, again, that they're nothing without this individual. But that speaks to a deeper unresolved issue within you that you need to look at. So let's dive deeper into that the ability to choose and to respond when there's an attraction or connection versus the reactionary energy that's usually based off of some sort of chemical

chemistry that you have with another individual. And so the difference between chemistry and compatibility when you're discovering, all right, if I'm actually going to like go down this path and pursue a relationship that has longevity with this individual, there are some important questions I need to ask about our true alignment. Yes. Instead of just the infatuation or chemistry that's there. Of course, chemistry is important on both sides, but chemistry without compatibility is going to be futile. Absolutely. And so, you know, the way I break it down is there's chemistry, there's compatibility, there's connection, right? Compatibility to me, so we can look at it two ways.

One way is compatibility is almost the logic-based reasoning of how two people should fit together. It's like when you go on dating sites and they'll say, well, you're compatible with this individual because you like X, Y, Z, and they like X, Y, Z, and that should fit together, so this should work. But compatibility doesn't always equal success. All right? Now, it's a component. You still have to have it, but you can't go off that alone. There's a lot of people who've been matched up with individuals, even through family and friends, because they thought, oh, you guys would be perfect for each other because you're both like outdoors and things like that.

But again, it doesn't mean they were truly best fit for each other. So we have to consider it. We just can't only lean on it, which where chemistry now comes in, which to me is kind of like the next layer. So chemistry is extremely important. But I always argue that chemistry is something that we can have with tons of people. And to me, the more of a people person you are and friendly and know how to conversate or have conversations with individuals, the easier it is for you to have chemistry with people.

Because chemistry is essentially learning how to flow with individuals, get along, move in harmony with each other. And I always use sports as a reference where chemistry can be built or destroyed. So you can put a team of guys or women together and they can practice enough and build team chemistry, but also someone could violate trust on the team and now chemistry is broken. All right? So it comes and goes. So it's another important piece to establishing a relationship or determining if we can have a

successful one. But again, you can't lean on it only because it's too common and it's not reliable enough, which is where connection comes in. Because to me, connection is that deeper thing that's happening. I always reference it as it's your spirit recognition. your match or it's match. And so with connection, that's where people are able to be truly themselves with each other. They can be emotionally naked.

They can communicate. But they also naturally in connection have chemistry and have compatibility. Now, the funny thing with compatibility, if we're looking at from the perspective of that logic-based reasoning of how two people should fit together, sometimes people have connection and chemistry. But on paper, you wouldn't have thought they were compatible, you know? And so to me, those two things would override that in that sense because it's not going to always make sense on paper.

So it's an example of you could have two people from two very different cultures or two very different socioeconomic classes. And other individuals may feel like, no, you two shouldn't be together. But it's like you guys fit together so beautifully. And everything is amazing when you're with each other. So I wouldn't want those individuals to be in denial of that or reject that because other people can't understand how this is a match, right? But ultimately, I do think you need at least the connection and the chemistry.

But I do think compatibility, if we go beyond that and saying it's two people who can live in harmony with each other, then compatibility will always be a piece of the puzzle that naturally comes with connection as well. It's beautiful. I think that possibility for true connection can only come online to the degree people have connected within themselves, right? Because otherwise you're going to be interacting with each other from two facades that you've cultivated in personas. Exactly.

You're going back to trauma bonding or shadow bonding. And so I would love to speak into a little bit more about how in the initial phases of connecting with somebody, do you feel like it's dangerous to try to embellish and add on to who we are in the courting phase of connecting? Absolutely. It's dangerous. It's so dangerous and detrimental because,

So essentially what happens to a lot of people is they, as you said, they're trying to be something else or they're trying to embellish themselves in order to gain the attention of favor of this individual that they decided they want. And so by doing that and not presenting their real self, they now may actually get this individual, but they can't sustain what attracted them in the first place. You see? And now as the relationship goes on and now your true self, you can only suppress your true self for so long, it's going to come out at some point. Now the other person resents that. So to put it in better context, it's almost like if you're a guy and you're trying to get this woman and she looks like she's used to fancy dinners and lavish lifestyle. And you know you're a simple guy. You don't have that much money.

And that's not even the life you want to live. But you go all out trying to impress her. So you take her to five-star restaurants. You spend money on her the whole first month, real her in making her think this is the life you live. and then month two or three or whatever comes and now we're back to your real lifestyle, right? And the fact that you're more frugal with your money and now she starts to feel like she was deceived

and she was. You know, now some people, depending on how long you dragged out the facade, you basically put them in a position where they feel stuck because it's like if it's only one month it might be easier to pull out at that point. But if we're six months in and now I find out this isn't the real you, right?

But now feelings are at, Let's say kids got involved, we got pregnant, whatever the case may be, it's not as simple to just walk away anymore, which only creates more resentment, okay? And there's so many different examples of that where people pretended essentially to be something they're not, but they can't sustain it. So I always say, you know, when you're doing things that you cannot sustain, you're being toxic, unfortunately. That's just the reality of it. And what's so unfortunate is that you're so blinded by trying to get this person and putting on this facade that you don't realize you won't be happy either. You see? Because they don't fit into your true self.

So you guys are not in alignment. So it's not only their resentment. It'll be yours too. Because now you'll feel like, well, she doesn't love me for me or she doesn't appreciate me even though I don't do those things I used to do for her. But you deceived her. You know, and the same thing happens on the flip side. There are women who have deceived these men, sold them a dream, only to pull the rug out from under them.

And it's like you're better off being your authentic true self and seeing who truly likes that person. That should be the goal. It shouldn't be who I want to get. It's about receiving who is best for me. And I can only do that if I stay true to myself. And I can only do that if I know myself, right, and have done the work to understand what is important

to me, what do I need in a relationship and what am I prepared to give in that relationship? And I'd love to get your perspective on, you know, people say you need to be whole before you go into relationship. I think part of becoming whole actually is discovered in partnership. The mirror that a relationship provides then becomes a catalyst for you to see parts of yourself that wasn't previously accessible. And so I think, of course, it's really important to do the work while you're single so you can get clear in what you really value and then attract a match to that, but then also be open to realize that there's so much unconscious shadow material that's going to come up in the container of a loving partnership. And so I just want to speak into

the importance of recognizing relationships as a mirror for yourself and your own growth. Well, you know, I think people have to recognize that relationships aren't just romantic. So we have friendships that are relationships. We have family relationships that are relationships. We have business, work relationships. And through all these different avenues, you can discover more about yourself. So though a romantic relationship can be that mirror, I don't want people to think that's, like,

if you don't go through that avenue, you won't be able to figure out who you are. No, you can. But I think the problem is as individuals, we're not putting enough focus and energy behind that. It reminds me of like in college. I remember when I first got there, they would tell me, oh, don't worry about your major.

First two years, just take whatever, classes, you'll figure it out later. And what I realize is we're kind of teaching people to kick the can down the road. So when someone is, let's say, 16, 17, oh, you have plenty of time to figure yourself out. Just live life. Just do whatever, you know? Rather than no, actually hone in and figure, you can do that at a young age. You don't have to wait to you're much older. You don't have to wait until you've been through many relationships or all these different things. We're just not doing the work. And I think also, in addition to not doing the intentional work, a lot of discovering ourselves is accepting ourselves.

I feel that we know deep inside parts of us that we are just refusing to accept for various reasons. Whether it be societal that has made us think this is bad or even family and friends, the environments that we grow up in, they push us away from who we really are and now we struggle to embrace and reconnect with that individual. But it's not that we don't know a lot of times. I've found that a lot of people in their adult lives, the things that they truly want to do that speak to their heart

was something that they would love doing when they were a child. It was always there. But one example is I know a young lady who when she was younger, she loved performing, she loved acting. And it just made her so happy. And she did actually start going through an acting school when she was younger. But then her mother and her parents were like, oh, this is not going to go anywhere, this is silly,

pushed her into a different avenue, and then she became a social worker. But her heart was always in acting and performing, you know? So I feel that, again, the relationship can be a mirror because it can expose. Because the thing is, what happens when we're in relationships romantic to be specific, we tend to be more vulnerable, all right? Or we tend to, it's more required of us in those relationships. And that vulnerability tends to pull things out of us, all right?

and because also we're spending so much time with this other individual, they're getting to see behind the closed doors more than other people do. So those work relationships may not get to see the full true you because you're putting your work costume on and performing for them. Even your friendships, depending on how close you are with them, how long they've been around, they may not be seeing the complete fullness of who you are. Shoot, even family, there's people who have tons of family and still feel lonely and can't talk to them because they feel like their family's too judgmental.

They, you know, isn't going to be willing to listen to them and consider how they really feel. So the only time a lot of people really start to try to open up is in that romantic relationship. And that's why that mirror comes up and now more parts of them start to get exposed. But again, I would say it's about them learning how to accept themselves to begin with. It's so important to come back into that reminder of that inner work and, self-acceptance being the real foundational catalyst for you to be able to authentically connect with others and hold space for them and to actually enjoy a fulfilled relationship. If we don't do the inner work, then we're only going to be able to give love to the degree

of our conditioning. Yeah. And so I would love for you to speak into what was, did you have, you said you had a little bit of a wilderness phase where you kind of went in words and like to speak into this a little bit more because it's super important. So for me, My wilderness phase was, so essentially, once upon a time, I believed in God, but I didn't like believe in Jesus. I didn't like dive deep into it. I didn't have any real spiritual grounding or relationship. And then I start going through all these crazy spiritual occurrences. Like I got, literally I have a word document from 2007 that's 52 pages long of all spiritual occurrences that happen. Dreams, things in real life. And I didn't even.

can write everything because it was just too much and I was exhausted. I was like, I'm done writing so much. So that pushed me kind of into this wilderness period where I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. And really what I felt the process was was God was breaking me down to rebuild me into newly into, I guess, in his mold, so to speak, right? And in going to that wilderness period, what was really interesting, one of the things I always remember is that there was a point where, because I've always been this very ambitious guy, go-getter, you know, doing a bunch of different things. And this old friend of mine, he came to see me, and he kind of cursed me out. He was like, what the hell's wrong with you? You're like, who are you?

You've lost yourself. You're not doing anything with yourself. Like, this is crazy. And it was one of the best things that happened because I was like, he's right. And what's going on? And for me, the problem was one of the conflicts I was having was that I was, I was, I was, always a bold person, very brutally honest, all these things. And I felt that if I'm trying to now establish a relationship with God and be this better man of God, that I have to be, I can't be bold anymore. I'm supposed to be more meek or, you know, more passive or whatever. But that was wrong. The reality was, no, because my boldness is who I am. I'm wired in that. It was learning how to do that with God as my God, so to speak. You know what I'm saying? So it was, it was channeling it

in a different way, but it wasn't being in denial of that individual. Even to the point where past my wilderness period, and this is another example of accepting parts of ourselves. So I want to say it was maybe two years ago where I have a tendency to where when I accomplish things, I'm not big on celebrating. I'm just onsen next. I'm just, if I get a million followers, okay, it's time to get two million. If I do this big thing, I do the next big thing.

And so people would always say, oh, you know, you need to learn how to celebrate. calm down, you're not grateful enough, whatever the case may be. And so I was allowing people to convince me this was bad. And I needed to learn how to change this. So I took a month where I said, okay, you know what? I'm not going to aim to achieve more. I'm not going to focus on constant progress. I'm just going to rest where I am and be good with it.

And it was one of my most depressing months ever in my life, okay? I felt like a neutered dog. It was like, what the hell's going on? And so after that month, I realized, no, I have to accept this is who I am. But yes, I have to create a balance with it. I have to learn how to channel it correctly. Yes, I shouldn't be stressing myself all the time over it. But it doesn't mean being in denial of who I am.

And the great thing about accepting that is when you feel freed, when you accept those parts of you that you've been in denial about for a long time. But it also now makes it clearer for me to see who would feel. fit in my life and who wouldn't. Because now they have to be able to respect and honor that part of me because I'm not going to suppress it again. It's never going to happen like that again. But now I understand that through that self-discovery, so to speak, but that wilderness period definitely was a breaking down and a building back up. And I do think for a lot of people, they need their wilderness period. They need that point of, because during that process,

I was very detached from the world, so to speak. Because I used to go out, party all the time. I wasn't going out anywhere. I wasn't traveling with my, I just was really just locked into trying to figure out what's going on with me. Of course, I wasn't everyday doing it, but definitely staying away from all the outside noise helped me to eventually get to that place of being able to come out the wilderness. It's so important to, you know, we are like an onion with many different layers and who we think we are is so many layers down to actually hitting the core of who we are in our true essence. And I believe that we share the qualities of who we are, everybody, and expresses itself differently. And having that time where you are

really going inwards and looking, I think is so important to discover who you authentically are because otherwise you're not going to be able to authentically connect somebody else's true authentic self. And so I would love for you to speak into how authenticity, like if we're not being the authentic true version of ourselves, we're wasting so much life force energy holding up a facade of who we're not, and then we're going to continue to attract people that are a reflection of that. And so the power of authenticity, when you really discover that, it frees up so much more energy for you to attract who you are and a match to really what you value. Yes.

And so I want to start with, you know, you ever heard the saying real, recognized real? Yeah. So I say fake always falls for fake. And when you're not being your authentic self, you're being fake. And that's why you keep falling for people who don't know themselves either. That's why you keep falling for their facade because you want to. to believe in what they present you because you're hoping they believe in what you're presenting them. And you're not learning how to see past that because you can't see past your own issues,

your own walls. And so it's so important to tap into that authentic self. But I think one of the ways for people to do that is ask yourself who you would be if anyone's opinion didn't matter. You know, it's the same way when people are trying to find their purpose. I always say ask yourself, what would you do if money didn't matter? You know, if that was not a concern, where would would you be putting your energy? And some people may still need more time to figure it out, but for a lot of people, they know the answer right away. It's like, okay, that's where we know we can start from. So when we're asking ourselves, who will we be, if I didn't have to worry about what my parents thought, what my friends thought, what society thinks, now let's start there.

Now, granted, there might be some people who, what they would be is something not that great. And it doesn't mean automatically just accepted if it genuinely is a bad thing. But at least you have now the foundation to work from and you can see, okay, well, if it is bad, why am I defining myself as such? Why do I think I would be doing that? Let me see there's a deeper unresolved issue. And that's why healing is also so important because it's hard to understand our true selves when we're holding on to past traumas. Because we're allowing that past trauma to define us. So, for example, I've seen a lot of women where, because of getting hurt by men so much, they have a lot of walls up. They become very hardened, very rigid.

all right, very strong attitudes. And now they become so conditioned to that that they believe that's who they are. And some women will say to me, well, because I talk a lot about masculine and feminine energy and they'll say, well, I'm not a feminine woman like that. And it's like, no, you actually are, but you're hiding behind the wall of masculine energy.

That's your defense mechanism because you think this will stop you from getting hurt. Once we actually resolve those deeper issues, you will see how much lighter you feel. You will see how much more you soften up. You will see how you're not carrying all this stress anymore because you're not living in this constant fear of having to protect yourself. And I always say it on all the different shows,

the same walls you're up to protect you, the same walls blocking your blessings. And that's what so many people are doing. So going back to being your authentic self, it's hard to accomplish that when you still have those walls up. And so I believe the healing, I believe that asking yourself, who would you be if no one's opinion mattered,

will at least help people start with a great foundation, and then just have to work from there. And some of it is just also practicing being our true selves in a sense. We have to get comfortable with it and confident that we can stand in that true self and not be concerned with the outcome all the time. Meaning, and more specific, when it comes to relationships and dating, too many people are afraid to be their true self because they're afraid they won't get who they want. And it's like, but you have to be willing to say,

okay, if I can't get them being myself, then they're not for me to begin with. Can we speak into the courage that it really takes to let go and fall into love? Because I think that, especially for people that have those walls built up, they've been hurt in the past. A good friend Peter Crone has this quote

that says, past hurt informs future fear. And so when we have these walls, maybe somebody cheated on us or it's a relationship with our father or mother, some sort of dynamic that's resurfacing and a barrier to true intimacy with new connections, you know, it takes courage to be able to let go those walls and dissolve those walls that you've held up and then to be able to jump into the unknown of not knowing

if you're going to get your heartbreak in one day or, you know, something could happen that is going to hurt. But it takes courage to be able to love like that. No, absolutely. You know, healing is one of the hardest things for people to do, if not arguably the hardest. Because facing those past traumas and those fears, It's difficult, and it does take tons of courage, right? Because there's a lot of people who have started the process, and it was like, okay, this is too much. And they backed out.

And you have a lot of people, I have to say who they're going to get help, right? And I applaud them for getting help, but they're learning how to manage and cope. They're not actually resolving, which is why now when they get into another situation, they find themselves being triggered. They find those fears coming up. And then those fears, as you mentioned, block them from being able to accept love. which then causes people. For example, I talk about the issue where a lot of people

who experience genuine connection with someone, it doesn't work the first time around. Because one or both are terrified. You know, they've never felt anything like this before. They start to question everything. This is too good to be true. What's going on here? It makes them feel too vulnerable.

They will feel like they're losing themselves. And I always say you're not actually losing yourself. Your authentic self is trying to come out. And you don't like that because you've been hiding behind this wall this whole time. And you're like, how does this person have the power to pull this out of me to begin with? When I'm so used to guarding myself so well. And that, again, is just very, very scary. So now it derails tons of potential, beautiful, amazing relationships.

And then people go attach themselves to individuals where it feels more emotionally safe. Where essentially this person is not someone I'm so madly in love with that I fear getting hurt like the person who I truly love can hurt me. Because the one we love the most can hurt us the worst. Plain and simple, you know. And there is, I guess, a risk in that, but we have to be willing to take that risk. And I think once we start to look at hurt differently, we can find more courage to overcome these issues. And let me say, one, we still have to face them, resolve, and release. I think a lot of people, they may have talked about their issues. They may have dive deep into their childhood,

but they haven't released the trauma and the negative energy. They haven't done what I call an emotional detox, so to speak. And they haven't changed the way they look at things enough in order to now no longer be afraid of the potential harm moving forward.

Because I'm a firm believer that once we truly heal from something, nothing hurts us the same like it used to. Because now we have a better understanding of being hurt. Because a lot of times getting hurt from an individual is either, A, due to their own issues and not really about us, it could be two are, I don't want to say

unrealistic, but unfair expectations that we put on people sometimes. And this is one of the reasons why I'm a firm believer in, I don't put expectations on anyone. I expect nothing from no one. I have standards and you either can meet the standards or you don't. But to expect is to say that you are going to do something. No, you may choose to go in a completely different direction. And I understand that as human beings, even if you make that choice, it's not a reflection of me or some malicious intent towards me. It's just this is life. I don't know what issue you're facing in that moment. I don't know what emotions are overcoming you in that moment. I don't know what's leading to this decision you're making, but at the end of

the day, I know what my standard is and I can either entertain this or not. But going back to the courage of allowing ourselves to fall in love, again, I definitely think it's going to start with that healing and understanding that, listen, if you're with someone long enough, they're probably going to hurt you. Hurt is inevitable, all right? Now, of course, there's different levels of hurt. You know, one level might be they forgot your anniversary. Another level is cheating. Another level is, you know, they say something bad about you behind your back. There's different levels by the end of the day. There's going to be bad decisions made at some point. But again, it's not a reflection of, like, I think the problem is we internalize these things too much.

And we don't give people grace for being human beings who are going to make mistakes, who are going to fall short. One of the big reasons why people are still holding onto trauma from their childhood is because their perception of their parents is, you were the one who was supposed to love me. You were the one who was not supposed to let me down. I was supposed to be able to trust being, you know, you as my parent. And the reality is your parents are humans. Humans with their own issues, their own battles. And a lot of what they did, again, it wasn't even about you. It was about the demons they were fighting within themselves.

And we can always look in the past of the person who hurt you and find more hurt. That's why it's to hurt people, hurt people, you know, saying. And I think when we start to really understand and grasp that and we start to take things less personalize them, we now lessened the chance of being hurt. And I also want to say when we're afraid to embrace love because of potential heartbreak, here's the thing. Almost everyone on the face of this earth, if you're old enough, has had their heart broken to some extent, all right?

You're still here. You survived. You will survive the next one. But if you don't allow yourself to experience it, you'll never have the joy of being in it. So better is the whole, better to have love and lost than to never. have love at all. And I think when people start to really understand that, they can start to build up more courage to embrace that real love that comes into their life. Such a powerful reminder.

You know, the alternative is what? You just don't live a life where you love fully? Exactly. That sucks. You know, you don't get to experience one of the most beautiful aspects of life and being able to cultivate those relationships. You know, you've spoken to something there that I think is really important to dive into further, which is when we're going through the relationship, of course stuff is going to come up fights might happen disagreements you know ultimately there comes points especially after the honeymoon phase you know if you're a year two three years into the relationship where stuff really starts coming up and he starts to get real when do you know it's time to lean in versus let go so to me you lean in when the person is willing to lean in with you so essentially if you have a partner who you can talk to

address the issues and that's the key you have to make sure you have sat down and addressed the issues And I have to add the problem that I find with a lot of couples is that they'll say, oh, we talked about it. No, you yelled and screamed about it. You lashed out in a moment of frustration. That's not talking. Because in that moment, they can't receive what you're saying. Just as you're not receiving what they're saying, you're so caught up in your feelings

in that moment, you don't even understand what they're trying to convey to you. So when we talk about discussing things, we have to make sure it's a very calm, loving discussion. I believe that the better tool to use is writing a letter because verbal conversations of deep issues and concerns tend to go left. People get distracted. They deflect. They get dismissive.

You know, something, the phone can start ringing, whatever, right? There's a lot of emotional charge also. Exactly, exactly. And in that moment, people tend to listen to rebuttal, not to understand. But when you write a letter, people read to understand. They have more time to process. They can take it in.

They don't have to have an initial reaction right there because they still got to get through the whole letter, you know? And that way now, after they read the letter, we can sit down together and discuss it. But it also allows us to make sure everything gets put out on the table because another thing that happens is you'll have couples talk about issues and they're not talking about all the issues, right? So yes, let's say we resolved issue 2 through 10,

but that number one issue that's still there still leaves negative energy and resentment. And now what happens is, let's say I'm a woman and I feel like, well, I don't want to bring another issue to him. We just went through these other issues. So I'm going to suppress this, but I'm not happy about it. That starts to show up in my energy and my attitude. To the man, it's like, what's her problem?

We talked. I said, I'm going to fix it, and I'm still getting an attitude. But he doesn't know she's still holding on to one other issue, you see? So that letter writing will allow us to make sure. everything is addressed. And that's what we have to do. And I think that one of the things I suggest couples do is like a relationship checkup, where it'd be maybe it's every month, every three months, whatever their time frame is, it's up to them. But it's an agreed upon time that we sit down and we basically do a review of the relationship. And we lay everything out, what we like, what we don't

like, what needs to be improved. Because by creating that space that we know we can talk about things, we won't allow things to linger too long without having a discussion. Now, of course, if you guys are great in communication and you're talking between that, which you should be, then you may have nothing to talk about during the relationship checkup, but it might just be everything great. But at least you have that in place. So worst case scenario, there is a moment in time to air out all grievances and address things. So back to your question of when to lean in or let go, if that person is willing to work with you and discuss things, then lean in. I believe that a lot of issues are misunderstandings and due to breakdowns and communication.

So if they're a willing partner, then it's fixable. But you let go when they're unwilling to work with you, when they're not willing to talk to you, when they're unwilling to make certain changes, or when the real issues that are presented are things one of you feel like I don't want to do this. So essentially, if your partner comes to you and says, listen, you work too much and I'm tired of you always being away from the house, I need you home like X amount of days per week. And for you, it's like, I'm pursuing my dreams, my purpose, and I'm not giving that up for you. And no, I can't, I cannot give you what you need, not because I don't love you or care for you, but because this is my priority. And if you can't honor and respect that, there's no point in us trying to continue this only to now piss each other off and deteriorate the relationship anyways and things just go left.

So it's like, let's amicably just decide we're not on the same page. Let's move in a due direction. Yeah, of course we can, when one person is not willing to lean in, that makes it more clear that it's time to let go. But there are also times where both people are willing to lean in like you're talking to and you discover that actually you guys both want different things. And then you might have a decide to consciously choose that you want to, you know, uncouple and in the romantic sense. And you can still have that friendship. I'm very grateful that I've been able to have that in my last partnership where, you know, we're still able to be really good friends. It's like having that shared experience with somebody that knows you so well that, you know, there's so much love for each other to be able to still foster that friendship, which I want to go into in a little bit with you, I think is really beautiful. I also think that heartbreak is one of the most valuable things that we can go through as humans. You know, when you go through and experience that level of heart opening really is what it is from a different perspective, I think it's one of the most revelatory processes that a human being can go through, can grow through. And so,

Let's talk about heartbreak and whether it's of your choosing or not, the relationship comes to where it ends. How do you really guide people to get the most juice? Like, don't let a good heartbreak go to waste. Learn the most about yourself at that time. You know, what advice do you have for people going through heartbreak? Yeah, I think one is looking at it from the perspective that you just said. It's a learning experience, right? Yes, it's an unfortunate ending to things.

It's not how we wanted things to go. but there's always something to learn, right? Even if you feel like I did nothing wrong and it was my partner in all their stupid ways or whatever, it's like, okay, chances are there was something you were overlooking? Was there unaddressed red flags, you know? Was there a way that you weren't completely showing up in this relationship? Was there a denial of the fact that we don't truly fit together

because I want this so bad, I try to make it work? Either way, these are all valuable lessons. And I think that, you know, a lot of times a breakup is a blessing in disguise, you know. And the reality is that for whatever reason, the time was not right or the person was not right. But it's a good thing that the breakup happened because you cannot get on the path you belong on without it. And for so many people, you know, I said this a few times at my shows where, you know, a lot of people have been cheated on. And I said, for some of you, you needed to be cheated on. because had you not been, you would have never left that situation that you didn't belong in.

You needed something strong enough and severe enough to break you away from it. Now, the unfortunate thing is when you internalize that and now you hold on to it to where you're projecting that onto your future relationships and you're letting that trauma linger. But if you can learn to view it as, okay, you know what, this happened? There was a reason. This was a symptom of, again, maybe I was not where I needed to be. how do I now grow from this and become better, you can now turn this into something good.

So I think it's all about the perspective of it and not looking at it as I lost something. No, I gained an opportunity to become better and receive better in my life. And for some people, that better might be that X coming back around later, even though people don't like that. But it's true.

There are some situations where people broke up, because I do believe in right person wrong time and both needed time to evolve and address some deeper things, you know, reunited, five, ten, fifteen years later and now have the most amazing relationship. So it can't happen like that.

So I always tell people, listen, you're either going to receive a better version of them and yourself or yourself or someone else who's even better for you. Either way, it's all about the mindset in which you choose to look at the breakup. It feels like we sell, often are susceptible to clinging on to the fantasy of the good parts of the relationship after we

separate, you know, we just think about all the good parts, you know, and we feel the loss of the joy and all those things were there. And it's kind of sad when you realize you were, you're more in a relationship with your feeling about somebody than necessarily the being that's actually there, which is very interesting to navigate as well. And so I love how you shared, just shifting your perspective into seeing how it could potentially be a blessing in disguise because you don't know what life has in the unknown for you. You don't know what's around the corner, the person you might meet, the connection you might make,

the opportunity that might come up. And, you know, we cling onto the known so much without realizing that God, life, the universe might have something even more powerful and aligned for us around the corner. Absolutely. And, you know, when you sit down with a lot of people who've gone through breakups, like you said,

they get so caught up in the fantasy and not the reality of the situation. And I always say sometimes you don't miss the person you miss the feeling, right? And so when they start to actually break down the relationship, it's like, this was not a good relationship. This wasn't, you weren't even that happy. You know, it's like you just were obsessed or infatuated with holding onto it. Again, you poured so much time and energy.

You didn't want to let go. Like, I've gotten so many DMs from guys who would say, and people are shocked when they hear it's from guys, but saying, my girl doesn't respect me. She did this. She did that. All these bad things and say, how do I get her back? You know, and it's like, wait a minute, but it was not good for you. So I think a lot of people just really have to get into the reality of the situation and understand, was it even worth you holding onto?

And why were you holding onto it so much? Because that might help uncover that deeper trauma that you've been running away from that needs to be addressed because you don't want to take it into your next relationship and then essentially sabotage it from the very beginning. Have you had your heartbroken before? Yeah, I've had my heartbroken. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah. And I'm sure you, I mean, you feel like you just grew a lot during that time. Because it's ultimately one of the most painful, difficult moments, but also, again, like we spoke to you, the most growing and replatory. Well, when the first one that happened to me, when I was, I want to say I was maybe 17, 18 or something, it actually, I didn't grow. It turned me into a savage. It turned me into, F the world. I don't care about anyone's feelings anymore. nobody matters but me.

I became very selfish-minded, very cold-hearted, so it wasn't good. But it was even that period of time was a strong learning process for me. One of the things that process taught me was the whole duality of the bad boy versus the good guy, right? And this whole belief that women only want bad boys. And what I learned through that time was that, no, it's not actually. being a quote-unquote bad boy or being a toxic guy or being abusive or anything like that. It's the certain energy and qualities of masculinity that women are drawn to that the bad boy tends to exude or at least it looks like he's exuding.

And the good guy tends to overlook. And it helped me realize, no, the true desire of the woman is a combination of the really good guy with the bad boy energy, so to speak. But again, when we say bad boy energy, we really mean masculine energy. That's what she really wants because she was, I didn't have to treat a woman badly to get more women. But I did notice that during that time in my life, getting women was easy. And I was like, wait a minute, when I was a nice, sweet guy, this was not happening. But again, I realized it wasn't because I had to mistreat them or disrespect them.

It was just the way I carried myself. And because I was in such a, I don't care what the world. thinks. You know, they say confidence isn't getting things right. It's not being afraid to get it wrong. So when you're in that mindset of no longer caring, you exude a level of confidence, even though it's not actually true, real confidence because it's kind of built off an unhealthy foundation. It still gives off that aura, you see? And it makes you more intriguing and it draws more people to you. And so again, if you can learn how to be confident in a healthy way and combine that good and masculine energy together, you become an extremely desirable man to women.

Such a good distinction there because I think a lot of people feel the same way as, you know, the woman like the bad boys, but the deeper masculine energy that, you know, is attributed to those qualities of having certain certainty and, you know, more structure or they know what they want, they take charge. Like there's something deep within the feminine that really appreciates that and likes that and is drawn towards that. and that can be cultivated outside of having it be wrapped in all this toxicity. Exactly, exactly.

You can be the calmest loving guy and still walk in tons of masculine energy. And I think I'm hoping more men start to understand that. And I'm hoping also even women, because I think some women do start to even believe maybe I just like bad boys. And it's like, no, that's not really what you want. You know, what you want is that masculine energy. And that's normal because a lot of men want feminine. energy. So, you know, how do you think, I mean, the past couple decades, it feels like with gender roles and identity and how men relate to, and of course, every man and woman is on a different

bell curve point with how much feminine and masculine energy they have, just like some men are taller than some women, but not all. You know, some women are taller than some men. And so we all have these different energies to different degrees within us. But how do you think that the inability as men to connect with our masculine energy is drastically effective? are women to feel safe in relationship. Oh, my gosh. It's ridiculously a thing. Like, it's a huge problem.

It's a huge problem. And I'm not sure if you've heard about this, but, you know, like, we're living at a time where testosterone levels at the lowest they've ever been for men. So basically men in their 20s, their testosterone levels are the equivalent of a man, a 60-year-old man 40 years ago, all right?

It's bad. And yes, because in that, it's a fact that higher testosterone levels will lead to higher levels of assertiveness, focus, drive, libido, all these different things that when you don't have that, you're going to be more, you're going to be more lazy, you're going to be less driven, you're not going to be as focused, you're not going to be that man looking like he's doing something with himself.

And that's not attractive to women. And that doesn't make them feel safe because it's not only a desire for them to feel safe emotionally, but also like, again, a man's ability to even provide is a level of safety. a level of security for that woman that she needs, even if she makes her own money, she still wants a man who is capable of handling himself as well. You know, at the very least, some, of course, want much more than that. But at the least, you have to be able to take care of yourself. And so it's hindering a lot of men to tapping into their true potential.

And it's definitely making them less desirable to women. I also believe, like, there was a recent study that was done where they said, more men now have given up on dating than ever before. I can't remember what the exact numbers were. And a lot of people are trying to attribute that to women have gotten so ridiculous so men are giving up, right? And I'm not going to say that doesn't play somewhat of a role, but I believe that a lot of it is men are just unhealthy. You see? So I view it now, a lot of men who may be perceived as lazy and not doing anything for themselves.

let's start with looking at what their health looks like because a lot of them are just unhealthy. They're deficient in certain like vitamin D deficiencies. I know this was a woman. One woman, she was having issues with depression, suicidal thoughts, all kinds of stuff. Long story short,

told her to try a vitamin D supplement. She did it. It fixed everything for her. Now, I'm not saying it's going to be everyone's story, but for a lot of people, it's just fixing the deficiencies that will correct issues. So going back to your question, I definitely believe the lack of masculine energy is definitely causing women to feel less safe and causing them to feel less attracted to a lot of men out there.

What do you say for the men that feel like they have commitment issues or they're like in a partnership maybe for a couple years and they feel like they have a deep love for somebody? But there's just this feeling. And I've had many conversations with friends of mine in the past that have struggled with this where there's this perception of deeper. commitment being correlated to less freedom, like less options. And I think it can be switched on its head to where it's actually the alternative. It's the most freedom when you, your mind's not occupied with trying to figure out all these different options. You have to choose from. So just what do you, what do you say to the men out there that are, and also the women, obviously on the receiving end of feeling like there is a lack of commitment? So one, I think speaking to the

freedom issue, because I am someone who appreciates my freedom very much. So but I've learned you don't have to, there's this assumption that you have to sacrifice your freedom to be in a relationship. I think that's wrong. I think you have to find the right person who can honor your freedom as you can honor theirs in that relationship. And I think if we have honest discussions from the jump, we can see who actually is willing to embrace that or not. Because there are some women who are going to be like, no, that doesn't work for me. All right, cool. Then just don't try to force a relationship with that woman.

But someone else is going to say, okay, cool. I've found that there's two types of women in this regard. There's the woman who likes, we're going to use the word clingy, but people take that in a very negative way. So I'm going to use a different word. They like a lot of closeness, all right? And they like their partner being home a lot, being with them, a lot of quality time, very high levels of it.

And without it, they feel like they're not as fulfilled in that relationship, right? But then there's other women who, they like their own. freedom. They're out with their friends, family, they're doing things. They don't always have to be up under their man, but when they are with you, they want your full attention, right? They want the quality of it, but it's not about as much quantity as the other woman. So to me, the man who wants that kind of life needs to find that kind of woman, whereas there are other men who I believe are the majority of men, believe it or not, will fit more with the woman who wants the closeness. And those lines are usually split between the very high-achieving go-getter men who

like to be out there doing different things versus most men who just want a simple life. Food on the table, a woman who pleases them, peaceful home, and they're good. They're not wired to be out there. There's a lot of guys who don't even care about all the options. They just want one good option and they're fine. And then there are other men who, yes, they have a more natural incarnation to explore and try something different, all these different things. So I think it's just about being honest about who you are as a man, having that honest discussion with a woman, and then seeing who's on the same page as you. And that won't have to stop you from them committing to that woman because you can create your own framework with her of a relationship that you both can

thrive in and be happy and committed to each other. It feels so important that there needs to be a deep spiritual connection for a man in his divine masculine to really have that devotion to a partner where it's not even a question you know and like anybody who's struggling with like leaky sexual energy or thoughts of what else is out there and wanting to taste the rainbow that kind of fades away when you have or that voice definitely dampens quite a bit when you feel that you are spiritually committed and devoted to a partnership which first of course like we spoke to earlier you have to do that inner work to discover that place within yourself and cultivate that own connection. But, you know, I want you to share a little bit about what you think about the spiritual

connection that is required for the longevity of relationship. Yeah, and I want to say before I get to that, I think for some of the men who are struggling with the commitment part, sometimes it just boils down to you haven't found the right one yet, you know, because I do believe that there's men out there who, if they're not with the right one, they're going to always be distracted by all the options, right? because the one that they're dealing with, there's not a strong enough connection for them to just lock in.

But then let them find a woman that is like, this is it, and they're naturally going to pull away from all the other stuff, right? They're going to naturally lock in more. So sometimes just about you have to be patient enough to meet the right person and open to it and not think why. Maybe I'm just not wired for a commitment.

No, you just need to find the right person you can commit to. I feel like part of it is like, yeah, wanting to find the right person, but then also the discerning piece of making it the right person. You know, like, I don't know. I feel like it's a got to be a balance of both, right? It's tricky. That's the thing because I feel like that's actually where a lot of men have gone wrong

is in trying to take this logical approach to, okay, this woman's resume checks all these boxes. So even though I don't feel this deep inside me, this is it, this makes too much sense not to make it it, right? So I'm going to make this the one. And listen, some people have successfully pulled it off, I'm assuming, right? But I've seen tons of examples of where that's not sustainable. And eventually, and God forbid, God forbid that this man or even woman, because women do it a lot as well, meet someone else along the way that they do feel that deep connection with. And I always say it's very easy to entertain what you settled for if you don't think anything better exists. The minute you experience better, it completely shakes the foundation of what you've been

trying to settle for the whole time. And so it's hard because I know that waiting for that one, that deep connection, one, do you even believe it exists? You know, do you have the patience for that? You may get to a point where you feel like, man, I want to settle down. I can't just keep waiting for this perfect scenario, right? So let me find this woman who's close enough and make it happen, but then again, it tends to at some point blow up in their face. So it's tough, but I think that this is where the spiritual part comes in. So for me, one, this is why, like, my approach is you got to let God guide you in these decisions, right? And for me, it's about praying and getting the answer spiritually. Is this the person? Because I look at it this way.

From a spiritual perspective, the spirit can see what the flesh can. cannot. All right? What we can process and understand is limited. What the spirit knows and understands goes so far beyond that. So if we don't tap into spirit, we don't get the full understanding of what we're dealing with. It's the same way that sometimes you can get a job offer, an opportunity offer, that looks amazing. You're like, I got to jump on this. But if you prayed about it, something in you, your spirit is telling you, no, don't do it. Now, everyone else can tell you're crazy. It's a great opportunity. Take it. But something is like, no, do not take it.

You reject it and later on you see exactly why you were never supposed to go that route. But again, you could not have figured that out through your own logic and understanding. You had to pray about it. You had to connect spiritually. So this is why it's so important to have that spiritual connection or spiritual foundation in relationships because it goes so much deeper than the surface, right? So it allows us to have a deeper understanding and clarity about situations and people that we're dealing with. But then once we find that person, it allows us to create deeper bonds with that individual and connect in a way that the vast majority of people never connect.

And I try to not to you always use the word connect because it makes things confusing sometimes, but to bond or to grow closer together in ways that most people do not. right? So I definitely think for a lot of individuals, you've got to start with creating that foundation, that spiritual relationship with yourself first, and that's going to make everything easier from there. And then you'll be able to see more clearly, is there truly alignment here? And can we move forward together? Because I also think, and this is very specific to men who have a very high purpose on their life, the wrong woman can destroy the whole thing. All right. Now, Grants, that can happen to any guy, right? But I do think that when you are a man who has achieved much, who is successful, who has a great purpose on your life, you have, there's more resistance trying to come your way whether you realize or not. There's more factors trying to throw you off track. There are landmines being planted all over your life. And women is one of the biggest landmines that a man has to face. And if you choose the wrong one, that can be. You know, the exact setup for disaster. So you have to be careful and you have to be very spiritually in

tuned to make sure you are choosing someone who can walk this path with you and not someone who's going to derail you from where you belong. Yeah. And it's a two-way street, right? It goes both ways, too, for the women out there. Absolutely. How important do you think it is to, at the beginning, have the communication of what you really value and then also for you to journal and to write down what you really want? Because, again, it's correlated directly to our own inner work. We don't know what we truly want if we don't know who we truly are. Once you do that work, you can decide, all right, these are the qualities that I really value and a potential mother to my children. Because otherwise, if you just go

into relationships unconsciously, then you're going to be surprised and you wake up two, three years into it or later. And, you know, it's just not aligned. And then you got to pivot. Absolutely. No, I definitely think we need to figure that out as quickly as possible. And we have to lay that out with every potential partner. I think the way that we have to go about it, though, is less about what we want, more so about what is needed in order for me to show up 100% in this relationship. So I always use an example like, okay, I may want a woman who knows how to cook, right? But I don't need that. That's not going to move the needle, right? It's not a deal breaker. It's not a big concern. I get meal prep. I've done all types of other things, right? But,

let's say a woman who is very peaceful and knows how to stay in her positive energy, I need, I cannot deal with negativity at all. I'm, I shape my life to stay away from stress and negative energy as much as possible. So if she's a very negative person, regardless, I understand everyone has issues and I'm not knock you because you have them. But if you're unwilling to fix that, we cannot come into alignment with each other. Because I know I can't show up the way. that I need to without that positive energy.

So we have to recognize, all right, what are those things? And we got to get as specific as possible. Like, I make it as a joke when I'm on tour, but I talk about oral sex, right? And I say, like, for me, oral sex is a big deal. And if you're unwilling to engage, I can't do it. Okay? It's not going to happen because I know I'm going to have some level of resentment and frustration that this is not going down in our relationship, right?

And for some other people listening to that, they may say, well, that's ridiculous. How could you make that a thing that you need that shouldn't be important? But again, if it's going to cause me to not show up 100%, then it's a real problem. It doesn't matter how anyone else feels. So everyone has to ask themselves, okay, what are those things, despite what everyone else may think should be a big deal or not, that is important to you and the quality of the relationship. I want to give one more example of just like really differentiate between want and what is actually necessary. You have women out there, they might hate this one, but you have women who their requirement is the man has to be taller than them in heels.

Okay. And I always say, listen, I'm not going to argue against a woman who wants a man taller than her. But in heels, that's your fake height. That's not real height, you know, okay? So, and when you take those shoes off, he's still taller than you, okay? So is that really going to affect the quality of the relationship? So though you may want it, and if you receive it, great, but should that really be on your list to where you're going to block anything that doesn't fit that?

You understand? So I think we just have to differentiate what is really actually important to the daily quality of our relationship and our ability to show up in it 100% versus just something extra icing on the cake, so to speak, that we would like to have, but it doesn't have to be a lot. a need or, you know, a necessary thing. Sure, yeah. People can want whatever they want, you know, it's like, and if you find somebody that's

a match to that, then more power to you, whether it's, you know, is something that's maybe we perceive as silly as being taller than them in heels or maybe some women think the oral sex thing is silly. It's just, you know, so many different ways to perceive it. And ultimately, it's just important to know what you want and then communicate that clearly and find that alignment with partnership. I want to speak into the power of pattern versus potential. I think so often we fall in love with the potential of what someone can be, who they could be,

but their patterns tell us otherwise of how they're continually showing up. And so I think it's a really important thing to pay attention to because we might be with somebody for years on end. And we feel like we want them to change in certain aspects, but their patterns are so deeply ingrained. And if they don't have the desire to change that, then you're just going to be living in this fantasy of potential. that's not going to translate to reality. Absolutely. It's another point to that people are so locked into the fantasy, not the reality. And yes, as you mentioned, there is a pattern that we have to pay attention to.

Now, I will say that sometimes the pattern can be broken if the underlying issue is resolved. So if there is a pattern that is due to, so for example, woman meets a man, he struggles with communication, right? And his pattern in all his relationships is a struggle to communicate. But let's say that that has come about because he has unresolved trauma from his childhood that has caused him to be fearful of opening up. Now, if you meet him, you address it and he is now willing to go get help to correct it, that to me is reality. The reality is he's actually taking it upon himself to work on it.

If you have to keep trying to drag him to get help, then that's a problem. If you're trying to convince him to change it and you're going to be with him while you're hoping for the change to come, that's a problem. I think if people really want to still believe in someone's potential, then be their friend. Because if they cannot tap into that potential as your friend, they're not going to do it as your lover. Because the reality is that once they become your lover, you've basically taken away the incentive to do the extra work. It's like, okay, well, I already got you. So why would I need to go do this hard thing of addressing traumas and issues if I can just kick the can down the road and keep you here? And if you're not showing

me you're going to leave, then I have no reason to do anything about it. So I definitely think people just have to be mindful of, all right, are you interfering with that person's process of evolving and actually breaking their patterns? Or, again, to your earlier point, is just who they are. You know, and it's not anything that they're going to change or fix. You're trying to make them into something that they're not, you know, and you can't, again, it goes back to my point of, I remember meeting a woman who fit into that box of, you know, and you're trying to, you of she likes a man who's very, you know, by her all the time, loves that level of closeness. And I had to explain to her like, listen, I'm going to piss you off.

I already know. I know how I operate and I know who I am at this point in my life. We're not going to be a good fit. Now, she insisted on trying to adjust. And I was like, no, no, no, you're fighting who you are now. You're in denial of yourself. And I wouldn't want you to do that. You have to find a man who fits you.

and that you're in alignment with. So we have to recognize that sometimes you're going to have that person who will even say, no, I'll fix it, I'll change it, I'll change it. But let's both be honest with ourselves. Is this really who you are or is this an even fixable thing? Can you be happy if you make this adjustment in your life? Because some things are going to go against their true nature. And that creates conflict within themselves, that then creates conflict within the relationship.

So I definitely think we have to consider the pattern and more so we have to consider, are they willing to take the action themselves to do anything about fixing it? So yeah, I think just having that clear communication is so incredibly important. And, you know, the ego mind wants to jump to try to fix things right off the bat. And I would assert that actually the parts of us that are dysregulated, like those are the parts of us who are not that is coming up. It's not who we are. And so it's like, I think who we are is much more flexible than we often give ourselves credit for. And so people can shift, people can change. And at the same time, the most important thing is just the willingness, you know, because if it's not there, like, we spoke to earlier, if people aren't willing to lean in, then it's not going to work.

Exactly. And so, you know, that there's the whole saying of the you complete me, right? And I found my other half. And I think, like, it's important to reiterate that, yes, you can go into partnership. still not feeling whole. And if there is that willingness to resolve what's, you know, what needs to be healed, then you can come into union and find wholeness in that. But if you're going into it with the illusion, thinking that the other person is somehow going to complete you, then it's just a recipe for disaster.

Absolutely. And we shouldn't be looking for them to complete us. We should be looking for them to complement us. And again, do they fit with us? Can we create harmony together, right? because completing is then to imply we are incomplete. And now that creates that attachment, that creates that greater infatuation, that creates that perception of I need this person. And I know that a lot of times people use words in different ways and that can make things tricky.

But, you know, I view a need as in you literally cannot live without it, you know? And so to me, the only things we need is God and water. That's it, okay? And even some people would argue, well, you can still leave even, if you don't believe in God. So the point is this person, though, you're not going to die or lose the ability to function in life because you're not with them. But if you create this perception that I cannot live without them, that's a problem.

That's a very unhealthy mindset to have. So I definitely think that people have to look at it from the perspective of compliment. And to your point, you know, it's hard to tell people they have to be 100% whole before they enter into a relationship. But if you are aware of an unresolved issue, you should be working on it. You should not let the mindset of, well, everyone has issues as a cop-out to why you don't address yours and you're going to jump in this relationship and it'll just work itself out some way somehow.

Because there's a reason why we have a high divorce rate. And here's what's crazy. You know, people talk a lot about marriage and the divorce rate. But if we could quantify the breakup rate, it would probably be. make the divorce rate look like child's play. All right? So, and I would argue that most trauma happens in either childhood or romantic relationship, romantic boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship. So we can't just think it's okay to ignore these issues because everyone has them. And everyone doesn't have them. Everyone has maybe had them at some point,

but tons of people have truly healed, resolved, and set themselves free from that. And so I think if people change their mindset of how they view those things, then they can allow themselves to actually get to that point of actually being healed and in essence being whole. And I think wholeness is more so in my perspective about laying the proper foundation because we're always evolving. We're always growing. There's things that we're going to learn more about ourselves as we continue this life

journey. But do we at least have the strong foundation in place? And if not, that's my concern. That's what I would want everyone to work on. And then from there, you can proceed into your relationships. That's great. So many good reminders there. What do you share for the women out there that feel the biological pressure? Maybe they're in their mid to late 30s, 40s, and they feel the urge to be mother. They want to have kids, but they haven't found that partner. And they feel the pressure both biologically and also societally. What advice do you have for those individuals? So I'm not going to lie to you. This is one of those things where I'm going to admit I don't have the right answer, right? Because it's hard for me to look a woman in the face at that point in her

life and say, well, ignore the concerns of what happens as you age and now you're limiting your ability to have a child or completely eliminating it in some instances. And just, just have faith and move forward, right? I can understand a woman at that point saying maybe she wants to, what is it, just find a guy she can have a baby with or go to the hospital, the doctor, and do it, you know, different alternative ways. I get it. But I do want to encourage women, because, you know, one, I think as we look more into

holistic alternatives of how we take care of ourselves, a lot of people struggle to have babies later in age is due to how we are not taking proper care of our bodies. And so if we take a better approach, we can at least give a little bit more time and we can have a healthier process, all right? At least for some people, I believe that to be true, if not all. And I believe that depending on where you are, because women can have that feeling in various ages. She could be 40, she could be late 30, she could be mid-30s and feel like I'm out of time, right? And so I really want to encourage them to take a step back, of course, pray, talk to God, allow him to lead you in that situation, but also understand if you are not having success with finding a partner, we got to start with

are there things you have not resolved? I had a client the other day and she's like, I want to say she's 41. Now, she already had a kid, so the child biological clock issue wasn't at present for her. but, you know, she is still feeling like, you know, I'm getting older. I want to find a partner, and it's only getting harder out here. And she has no problem meeting men, but nothing has been really working out. Long story short, we were able to uncover a lot of unresolved trauma, specifically were her father, that she never thought was having an impact on her. And so us finally doing the work, and fortunately for her, it took a, I don't want to say what the

situation was, but it took a crazy situation that even, basically pushed her into reaching out to me and seeking out help. And we even talked about how, like, it was a blessing in disguise because had it not happened, she would have not come to me. We have not addressed these deeper issues. And now a month later, she's like, she feels better than she's ever felt in such a long time. And she feels free. And she feels happier.

And she's not stressed about the relationship thing. But I know that now, because she's always been able to meet men, by her resolving and removing whatever that negative energy and trauma that was lingering that was there is going to allow her to see greater potential or greater results with her dating life and possibly get into a relationship that she desires. So I think it's easy for a lot of people to focus more on I'm running out of time and things aren't working out the way that I want to versus what am I overlooking that's getting in my way? What may be hindering my ability to receive the results I want?

and I feel this is important to say this, they also get caught up in that perception because they're hearing stories from their friends and family that are saying, there's no man out here, it's bad, it's this, but what the friend and family isn't telling you

is their deeper issues that they haven't resolved. That's derailing their situations. Like I always tell women, when a lot of women tell you their story of what happened with their dating situation, they may not tell you what they did wrong, okay? They're going to tell you what the guy did wrong. They're not running back to their family and say,

yeah, I messed up. I lost a good guy, okay? They're going to paint a picture that either validates however they reacted or how they handled things. And so you're getting a skewed version of the actual story. But the unfortunate thing is that it creates a perception that, man, these men are horrible. This woman was even she was doing everything right

and it still didn't work out. But she wasn't doing everything right. There were clear things that were going on wrong on her end, but she's not letting you know that. So you can't get caught up in what everyone else is saying and what the Internet is saying. You have to, I always say this. If you're not getting the results you want in life,

there's something that you can change and do better. I don't care if you're a man or woman. I don't care if it's career relationships. You can get better results if you're willing to make changes. So go deeper and figure out what might be getting in my way. powerful. I think it's tough as two men to relate, you know, as best we can intellectually to think what it's like to be in that. But, you know, I've just talked with many women who've felt that pressure and it's tough to have a solution for that. But really all we can do there, you know,

is just provide their assurance and safety and, yeah, just hold that safe space to let them know that there's so many incredible individuals out there that would be a match to. them and like you spoke to just resolving what are those energetic blocks that we might still be holding from that coming in. Yes. And yeah, just because I feel like there's such that that deep longing that so many women hold. One of the last things I want to wrap up with here today is as men, I feel like in Western society in certain cultures, we have this programming of viewing the feminine with this harmonic, reductionistic, capitalistic view of what a woman is to be for a man. And as we grow spiritually,

as we grow as individuals and we heal, I feel like there's a shift that there is so much reverence that gets brought to the feminine and that it's something to nurture, something to honor, something to protect, something that we want to serve. And there becomes a beautiful spiral of the men serving the woman, the woman serving the man. And we can reveal even greater and better versions of ourselves. So what do you feel like as a man that's growing and has evolved, how does the evolved man perceive the feminine and how it relates to it? that's a very good question um well i think first the evolved man understands that we all possess masculine and feminine right and even in us walking in our masculinity we have to be in touch with our

feminine side and be able to tap into it when necessary and i think that when we learn how to do that we learn how to honor and respect the feminine even more because we know when we're we're tapping into it's not a bad thing so it's a beautiful thing right um and so i think the way that we perceive the feminine and woman, I think one, it starts with, because when I think of the feminine, I think of freedom. I view the feminine as free. I almost always picture like a woman running through a field and just hands out and just, you know, skipping through the grass and stuff, just free. So to me, it starts with encouraging women and honoring women being their true authentic selves. It goes back to that because I'm going to make this point and, yeah, I'm just going

make this point. Some people may not like it. But like when it comes to feminism, the feminist movement, right? I always say to me there's two types of feminists. There's the feminist who hates men and they're driven by their hatred of men. And it is the feminist who loves women, right? And she just wants to empower and uplift women and wants them to have equal opportunity and all these things. And I always take issue with any woman who calls herself a feminist but doesn't encourage a woman to be her true self. if you're saying, well, you're a woman, so you should be out there having a career. No, that's wrong. The same way it's wrong if a man says, well, you're a woman, you should be in the home,

in the kitchen, making me food. No, it should be, you should be what makes you happy. So if you're the woman that truly loves career and being driven, do that. Because that's when you're at your true, positive, loving energy because you're filling your own cup. If you're the woman that values home and family, be that. because that's where your heart is. That's where I think the feminine energy, how we should view it,

is that woman being free to be her true self, okay? And then from there, I just believe naturally the woman who is walking in her authentic self, all the other qualities that we can view as feminine, loving, nurturing, compassion, they naturally start to come out because she's not burdened by the stress of trying to fit into different boxes she doesn't belong in.

You know, she's no longer, worried about all these different opinions and now people view her and all this stuff because a lot of people, a lot of women are bombarded or overwhelm themselves with the concerns of other people's judgment. Okay. And that blocks them from, again, experiencing that true freedom in their femininity. Now, I do believe that for a lot of women, I think more than we think, a lot of them wants to be home and all these things. But again, that's not because you're a woman that you should be doing that. It should be because that's what's important to you. And so I think that's how a man can, an evolved man should look at femininity is, am I allowing my woman to walk in her

freedom? Am I allowing her to tap into her true, positive, powerful energy, whatever that looks like? And again, am I, am I the man who can align with her in the first place? Because there's going to be some of us men who maybe we don't match with the woman who's the career driven woman, you know? Whereas another guy, he might be the perfect fit for that kind of a woman. Same thing with the woman at the home. It just depends. But ultimately, that's how we honor and respect it and nurture it and encourage it. And that's one of the reasons why I am such a believer in men being providers. Because, again, a lot of times people hear me or people say some of these things and they think it's just based off gender norms and gender roles. But it's really about the dynamic of by me providing for her, I am freeing

her up to not be stressed by the financial burden. You see? And now she can walk in the power of who she is. Now, if she still wants to work and make money, cool, but it's very different to work because you want to versus work because you have to. All right? It's a different level of stress, and it's a different level of burden that comes with that. And I would not want my partner to be carrying unnecessary burdens, you see? And so I just believe that in most scenarios, And of course, it's going to differ for some people because there are some women who are making tons of money and they don't need a man to provide in that way, right?

But in most cases, the ability to provide for her is going to allow her to step into her true feminine role, so to speak, whatever that may look like in her life. And as you said, it has this natural reciprocating mechanism where I'm a firm believer, maybe I'm wrong, but I'm a firm believer that what you pour into a woman who truly loves you, you, she will pour back 10 times. There's this natural inclination she wants to do for you when

you are making her happy and setting her life up in that way. Now, of course, there are men who hear that and say, oh, no, well, she'll take advantage and use you. Then that means she's the wrong woman. That doesn't mean the idea of pouring into her and providing is bad. It just means find the right one who will appreciate and honor it in return. That's it. But I think that when we create that balance and that harmony, we allow both sides to flourish. Because I also think the reality is that for a lot of men, being able to provide it, be able to step in that role, it pours into us in a different kind of way. You know, it pours into our confidence of self and how we show up. We get more out of that than she would, in most cases, you know. So I definitely think it's just a nice

cycle that we're pouring into and that everybody wins. It's a beautiful. It's a beautiful. place to get to where you feel like both individuals, two beings have their own cups full in the times where we don't feel like our cups are full. We can balance them bring that support and love and nurturing energy to each other. And ultimately, I feel like the evolved relationship is where people or two individuals are living in their highest self, their purpose of why they came to be here, whether that is a podcast or public speaking or it's raising children and living in the household or, you know, sports or like whatever it is, however it expresses. itself. It's important to authentically arrive there. And, you know, that's how we can serve the

world the best and each other is first by coming into that place. Any last closing thoughts, things that you want to share for our audience before we wrap up? The only thing is, you know, I know healing can be scary. And I know some people are going to listen to this show and this thing like, why is it always about what we have to do and what I'm doing wrong? And it's like, listen, you know, if we made this all about what's wrong with everyone else but you, that would help you in no way. It wouldn't empower you to see better in your life. So we have to point out the areas that you can address and how you can dig deeper and healing is one of those things. And I really want to encourage everyone, even if you don't think you need to heal, go through the

process. I view it like plenty of people thought, there's nothing wrong with me. Well, go get your check up from the doctor. You go to the doctor and look. Lo and behold, you have an issue you weren't aware about. Sometimes you're suppressing things so much, you don't realize what you're holding on to. So I think it's always good to kind of do an emotional checkup and go through the healing process. I have a book Love After Heartbreak that lays all the steps out. And even if you don't get the book, whether you go to a therapist or coach, I just want everyone to go to someone or take some kind of course or program, whatever,

in order to make sure they're resolving the deeper traumas and issues. because I do believe once we become our healed cells, we can tap into our true cells and we can live life at our highest potential. One that is vibrating love and sharing it with the world. Absolutely. Thank you for sharing that with us today very much. So we'll leave links also to your book

and everything you got going on in the description below. Anything else you want to share before we wrap up? No, then that's it. Thank you, man. Really appreciate it. And for everybody that's been tuning into this episode, in particular, the women, I'd love to hear your perspective

because I really respect and honor the feminine perspective on a lot of the things we were sharing as well in terms of relationship dynamics in terms of what you look for in partnerships or out of a man. I'd love to just continue this dialogue as a community and yeah, family that's growing. So thank you for tuning to this episode. I love to hear from you. Until next time, be well. Take care.