Know Thyself - E9 - Alyssa Nobriga: Self Inquiry & Business as a Spiritual Practice

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

Alyssa Nobriga, the "coach's coach", shares what it truly means to heal your wounds and find freedom from within. She explains the subconscious limitations that keep us from expressing our true power, and the importance of using coaching to work through these blockages. She also dives deep on business & relationships as spiritual practices that can further us along on this journey of self development.   ___________ Timecodes: 0:00 Intro 1:22 Alyssa’s Story 4:47 Listening to Your Inner Voice  7:35 Subconscious Limitations 18:08 Importance of Coaching  19:16 Claim your power 22:18 Freedom to & freedom from  23:48 Business as a spiritual practice  30:55 Relationships 39:33 Commitment Anxiety 41:48 Enneagrams  48:50 Self Inquiry  50:17 Being of Service  54:42 Conclusion   ___________ Alyssa Nobriga:   Alyssa’s an international speaker, coach and entrepreneur. She’s the Founder + CEO of The Institute of Coaching Mastery, which certifies hundreds of coaches a year in her methodology.   She’s been featured in The New York Times, Forbes, Entrepreneur, Inc., Psychology Today, and Fox, and highlighted as an expert coach by Deepak Chopra.    Alyssa is a licensed Clinical Somatic Psychotherapist with a master’s degree from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology  and holds a second master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica, where she also worked on faculty.    https://www.alyssanobriga.com https://www.instagram.com/alyssanobriga/ ___________   Know Thyself Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/knowthyself/ Website: https://www.knowthyself.one Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ4wglCWTJeWQC0exBalgKg   Listen to all episodes on Audio:  Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4FSiemtvZrWesGtO2MqTZ4?si=d389c8dee8fa4026 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/know-thyself/id1633725927     André Duqum Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/andreduqum/   Meraki Media https://merakimedia.com https://www.instagram.com/merakimedia/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

When we answer the call to be of service and we kind of get out of our own way, there's a source of energy and alignment that can fuel us that is beyond stamina. I've never had anything like it in my life. And I feel like every time I've said yes to whatever that call is, I've been supported in a more energetic way than I had ever thought. Hello, beautiful humans. Welcome back to the Know Thyself podcast. I love this. I love doing this. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Today we have an incredible episode. I quite fancy all of them. But today, again, the privilege to sit down with a dear friend of mine and somebody who is really integrated and embodied in how they show up in the world.

She has a beautiful family. She lives a beautiful life. She is a founder and CEO of the Institute of Coaching Mastery, which essentially helps people become master facilitators and run successful businesses. She is a clinical, somatic psychotherapist. And she is somebody that really shows up in the way to show she shows up in the world in a way to help you unlock the limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your life. And so we're going to dive into a lot of amazing topics today and it's going to be filled with tons of values. So first off, Alyssa, thank you for being on the show. So happy to be here. I'm really looking forward to this combo. Yeah, me too. I would actually love to start first with a little bit of your story

because I love, you know, the time that we've gotten to spend together and coming to visit your beautiful home recently for your love's book launch and seeing the life that you live. And it's very purpose driven. I feel like you're doing amazing things in the world. You're really supporting the planet. And I would just love to hear a little bit of the backstory of how you got to this point. So is there, when you look at your path and you look at your journey, is there a pivotal moment or one or two that really stick out to helping you unlock your own power to then go and support others? and unlocking theirs? I think I have a unique story in the sense that I came in this world quite clear.

Like I remember looking in the mirror at nine and I've two older brothers and their friends started liking me and looking in the mirror and being like, oh, this is who they think I am. And so there was an awakeness that was there, I think because my grandfather deeply saw me as a kid. And so I don't feel like there was a pivotal moment. It just felt like my life has always, I've always sort of known. I mean, even when I was 12, I wanted to be a healer and live in the Redwoods. And I wanted also at the same time, I didn't think these were two separate things.

I wanted to live in New York and wear heels and do marketing. And so, like, the symbolism of that is really living a deeper truth in a modern day world. Yeah. And without questioning that I couldn't do both, my life is just unfolded to integrate and become what it is, which is both, which is really sharing in a deep way, but living also true and aligned. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. And I love holding both polarities of it, you know, to be able to walk the spiritual path and to be in the 3D creating amazing things, running epic businesses.

I love individuals that can hold that balance because oftentimes we just see one or the other. We see the typical archetype of somebody that's burnt out trying to chase the proverbial carrot on the end of the stick. And, you know, there's the other people who maybe want to just focus on the spiritual path. And we're here to taste it all. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like my, my, I've definitely been on the. pendulum of like lots of silent retreats and I've been on the pendulum of like really building a

business and neither have felt true for me. So like honoring both worlds equally is what's felt most true, most aligned for me at least. And so I think you resonate with that where it's like not being in a monastery and yet living and using everything for our awakening more deeply knowing ourselves through everyday life triggers to come back home to what's real, what's here. Yeah. Yeah. And for different periods of times in your life, like you said, there's maybe, you know, periods where you go and do more silent retreats and you focus on that and inner work. And then sometimes you're more external focused, focus on the business. And, you know, different periods of your life require different amounts of focus and attention into that area. Absolutely. Yeah. I think it is, for me, it's like it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, it's always, my truth is, it's always unfolded better than I could have planned for it to happen. I think if I was chasing some of these external carrots, I wouldn't have gotten it. But I think because my deeper intention was just to listen and to follow and honor that, it's unfolded without this egoic

stuff getting in the way, not to say that it doesn't come up, but at least having the tools and the perspective to lean back, to come back. Amazing. What has been your biggest tool or tools that have supported you getting clear on listening to your own inner voice and seeing what you really want to create in the world, you know, because it sounds like you said that you came in pretty clear, right? A lot of people don't. A lot of people don't have that experience. Yeah. So how do you guide people? Because again, you know, you have this amazing program where you help your coach to coaches. It's kind of like this meta thing where it's like, I'm a coach to coaches that coach coaches. I love it. We need more people that are healers in that way showing up in the planet. So it's an

amazing work. But for people, you supported many people. You supported many people. people in the various different dimensions of life, of relationships, to business, to mental, physical, spiritual well-being. What are some of the ways that you help people get really clear on finding their calling? Yeah. I first invite them to just cancel out all the external noise, because if we're not clear and we're looking outside, we're going to get overwhelmed. And so really having a deep practice of listening, maybe journal writing, just starting to tune in and identifying what are their top five values. What are the things that really are true? and a lie for them. So for me, mine are love, truth, connection, service, and growth. And I know if I'm not

expressing those in all areas of my life. So for example, fitness or investment and relationships, I don't feel as fulfilled. And so they're like a North Star in a way that can give me feedback about when I'm out of alignment and how to come back into alignment. So for example, if for, and this is a great conversation we should probably move into at some point, but why don't people change? You know, know and how to support people in doing that. But really just about, like for me, one of the situations was that I wasn't working out and I love fitness. I love discovering what I can do in my body.

And I wasn't as motivated. I realized it was because I wasn't growing. It wasn't feeling as connected. So I started doing group fitness. And so aligning my values in those ways, it was just inspiring to get into action. But to make it fun. Like it can be formulaic in the way that it's a guide, but it's not necessarily. you know, so regimented that there's not creativity and spontaneity in it.

Yeah. So first tuning in, listening, and then understanding, like, what makes those ingredients for you that come alive? Some people just don't know. So maybe they write a joy journal where every night they write the top three things that brought them the most joy in that day. And they don't have to figure out all at once, but just write down the things that are really unique to them and fulfilling to them.

And then they can reverse engineer and create their life or make sure that they're honoring those things. Yeah, yeah. I think even for my own personal path, I feel like the true growth has come in the unlearning and removing what's in the way from listening to what wants to come through me. And it's life. Like this is the process of discovering who we are and what we want to create in the planet. How have you help people close? Because you spoke to it a little bit, that knowing and doing gap. Yeah. Because it's not oftentimes it's not an issue of lack of knowledge. We have literally access to just about everything, right? The infinity box in our pockets that has Google. We can search up whatever. we want. We know how to get in shape. We know how to do a lot of the things that we quote unquote

want, but we don't do it. So how do you help people close that gap? Yeah. First understanding that 95% of behavior is subconscious. So only 5% comes from the conscious mind. And I used to say when I was a therapist, if knowing helped, therapists wouldn't have any issues. And so really understanding and I like powerful questions to kind of unlock whoever's wisdom about themselves. So one, So whatever somebody's goal is, you can find out if it's a financial goal, a health goal. And if they're not doing it, ask yourself, what do I fear would happen if I achieved that goal? And if they say, so I'll give you an example, I talked to a woman who kept hitting up against 250 as like an upper limit. And she.

$250,000. Sorry. Which is a good amount for most people. Yes. But still, if it's a limit, it's a limit. It was a limit for her because she was hiring more people. It wasn't necessarily her profit. but she kept hitting up against this limit. And she was hiring more people, hiring more coaches. And I asked her,

what do you fear would happen if you made more than $250,000? And she started laughing. She's like, I don't have any fear about making more. And I'm like, slow down and just listen. Just get curious, entertain me for a moment. And I said, if you make more than $250,000, you fear. And then she just started crying. She's like, oh, I got it. Because her mom got a raise at the same time that her parents got a divorce. And somehow she had paired that she couldn't have a strong marriage and do really well in her business. And so I wouldn't have known that for her, but asking a question to help elicit her own truth and wisdom, then once we could see it, bringing it from the subconscious to the conscious awareness, then we could unravel it. And so really understanding what our subconscious

limitations, because oftentimes we'll limit ourselves before we even try. And so just listening to ourselves by these backdoor questions can elicit that. And then we can work through it and make sure that, okay, great, I value relationship and career success. And so how can I have both? Amazing. Yeah. It's how you've worked with a lot of people in your time as a therapist and then also coaching people to become, you know, license in that way. How, what have been one of the two, two or top two or three subconscious programs that you see run through most people? Because I'm sure there's a lot of themes that come up. Yeah, they can't, well, I think the two biggest ones are I'm not enough or I'm too much.

I think that's the core wound. And I think most people will fit in those categories. And I think that they show up in different ways more disguised in our world through the nine enneagram types, looking for perfection, achievement, all the external things to feel like we're whole, like we're worthy. And I love the topic of worth. I think most of my life was around this core story that I wasn't good enough. My ego would just complete everything, like, oh, because I'm not successful enough or I'm not this enough. and my experience is that the thing that brought me the most pain was actually the thing that helped me wake up to who I am

beyond any story of good enough or not good enough that no definition the mind put on me could ever capture the radiance of who and what I am. And we forget that there's intelligence and suffering and that there's feedback. It hurts because it's not true. And the more that, and there's, some truth, there's like a relative truth and not good enough because if we're identified as a small

self, our egoic self, it's not going to be good enough. The identity is not good enough. That's right. It is limiting. So because it's not who and what we are. And so I think it's all wired. It's all here to help us come back to ourselves, come back to a deeper truth. And we get to use the everyday gritty stuff to just continue to get free, continue to look at those misunderstandings about who we are. But identity is, to me, is everything and worth and competence, all these other words for it, is what really define the quality of our life experiences, how much money we make, who we date, all of the different things. And so that's really been like the hallmark of my work and my journey. Yeah. Amazing. I think that's the journey of awakening, right, is shedding awareness,

which is light onto these unconscious or subconscious parts of ourselves that we previously didn't realize had such a grip on us and create our personality. how we show up in the world, which is going to inform and become a vibratory match to people and circumstances, which creates our lifestyle. That's how much money you make, that's the quality relationships you have. How do you guide people into discovering what is their core issues? What's holding them back? I think, you know, obviously life will just present you with what your issues are in many different ways. But for people that maybe don't have as much of an overt awareness as to what that is, how do you help people gain awareness into that?

I mean, my biased opinion is that I would say 98 or 99% is around not feeling good enough or the pendulum of that of feeling too much. And so the surface level blocks are things that can come up. And I love that your, like, life will show us, right? And so that's the body and life is showing us what's unconscious. That's how we become aware of it. So some surface level blocks could be people pleasing, perfectionism, self-doubt, greater critic, those types of things. But underneath that, it really does come back to this idea

that I am inadequate. I'm not good enough. And that's what I found in the last 20-something years of doing this. And I think that there's beauty. Like for me, when I finally just stopped trying to outrun that story and just felt this sensation, not a story, but the sensation of not good enough in my body. I got free. And that's when I had greater revelations of like, oh, this isn't who I am. This is just a sensation. This is a story that I've created that I've gone down the rabbit hole with. Right. I remember, so I was in the beginning, closer to the beginning of my career, I was just hiding in my office, not trying to do any PR. I was just doing coaching sessions and therapy sessions. And Deepak Chopra's community found my work and wanted to film. So they came to

my office and I was freaking out. It was too big of a, I wasn't trying to have any of that. And it felt too big for my ego, imposter syndrome, right? Feeling like I'm not good enough. All my stuff got, I got confronted. So they're setting up in my office downstairs and I'm in my daughter's room, this like pink wallpaper, breathing deeply on the floor, just like feeling all these sensations of not good enough. And I was like, I'm just going to feel it. I'm not going to run. And not as a story, but just as a sensation, breathing into that sense of not feeling good enough, it took maybe 90 seconds and then it moved through. And it opened me to actually serve in those sessions where I wasn't trying to perform.

I wasn't trying to be seen a certain way. And I invited them into experiencing what I just felt, what I just went through, which was just bringing compassion and love to all of the sensations that were arising. And then they moved through and they started integrating. So beautiful. It's like we could spend our whole, life running away internally from something within ourselves that would take a few minutes if we fully felt it to move through.

Yes. And people were like, I hate feeling that. And I'm like, have you really felt it? Because sometimes we're thinking about feeling it as a subtle way to not feel it, to avoid it. And neuroscientists have found that it only takes 90 seconds to feel a sensation before, whatever the emotion is, as a sensation for it to move through. And so if you're ever feeling something longer than, say, two minutes,

minutes, it's because you're telling yourself a story that's creating a loop and then you're just on repeat. And that's why it's not passing you through. How important have you found it is to find the origination of a story? Because you can have a felt sensation of not good enough or imposter syndrome, right? Sometimes we don't have the memories of like where that even came from. Sometimes if we do some self-inquiry, we can actually find, oh, no, that time when I was younger and my parent or this friend said something and I took it and perceived a certain way to mean something about me and now I've run with it. How important is it to just to identify maybe what was the origination of that? Or can you just work with whatever the sensation is without having that story?

Yeah. So in my coaching certification program, we do integrative methodology. So somatic work, you actually don't need to know the story. You just want to be open to feeling the sensation within the window of tolerance. So not overwhelming you, not underwhelming you, just feeling the sensation allowing it to move through. You don't need to know the story. Whereas I, I have more of an integrative approach where I like helping somebody have greater insight into because I think it breeds compassion to, oh, this was the story when I was a kid, I got bullied, and then I made it mean this about me. And then you can go back and really take a snapshot into that moment in time and just really inquire into,

did it really mean this about you? Or was that your mind interpreting that and to go back? I know for myself, getting bullied in middle school became like a big kind of core story and a lot of misunderstandings got creative from that time in my own psyche. And so going back to look at, actually, I was safe other than when I was thinking and believing the entire time. And my, I got, but really sitting in silence and really in stillness can help us have more revelation around it and integration mentally. Emotionally, I think it's just the willingness to embrace the part of us that gets scared or that had thought that we were unworthy, not identifying with it, but just to embrace it. I always say, to my certification people, like the two things, if you want to be stuck with

something, identify with it and judge it. So if you don't want to be stuck with something, don't identify and bring acceptance to it. That's mentally, emotionally, somatically, behaviorally, where you are in your life. And as you open to it, it opens you back to your essence, which is accepting, which is loving. So on the somatic level, you do, you don't need to know. and on the mental and emotional, I think there's some helpfulness in it. And so if it's a core wound or a core story, eventually having that insight's great. And if you don't trust it, you don't actually need it. I love it.

How important do you feel like it is to have a coach in life? Because if we want to get a good in shape at the gym, we might get a trainer. If we want to get good at piano, we might hire a coach. But for some reason, people think that we don't need support in life, which is like the most important. Yeah, I know. I always say that life's the real coach. So it's like, are we paying attention to our life? And for me, I will always be growing my edges. I will always be hiring a coach, a therapist, doing my work because I like the experience of growth. That's one of my core values. So I and to really use life as the real coach. And obviously I'm biased. I'm in this profession. So I'm always going to be working with different types of coaches to continue to explore this human experience. And for me, it's like, why would I not invest in myself to live the quality of life. That's the best investment to be able to have a more open mind and heart

and to live from that place. And then I can be more of service to others as a result. Sign me up. I'm in. Yeah, I love that. As you've been helping people step into becoming facilitators and really helping people in their lives, how I'm sure imposter syndrome comes up quite a bit. And, you know, it's tied to self-worth as well. Like a lot is tied to self-worth. How do you help people really claim their own power and their voice and being okay with taking up more space and claiming and owning who they are and what they want to do. Yeah. And so just to kind of my frame on imposter syndrome is that their ego hasn't caught up to who they are. So there's like this comfort zone, this familiar zone of who they think they are. And so when their life is giving them feedback

that they are stretching beyond this self-image, there, I'm, you know, two ways, let me just share of this, two ways to help somebody change their life is to either upgrade their sense of self or wake up beyond it. And then there's no imposter syndrome. If your client or if you are not sort of ready for a deeper awakening, then just to say that who would I have to be or what type of person would step into this and start building that confidence, sure, you can do that with, you know, affirmations and things like that. I like to do the core work, the root work, and then some visualization, affirmations and other

things on top of that, but not as that kind of surface level. part of the work is really embracing the part of you that doesn't feel worthy. And if you're not identified with that part of you, you know it's a story, you know it's a feeling or a sensation, then you have space for it and you're not identified with it and it moves through. So part of it could be around helping them breathe into and welcome that part as a younger part of them that just was confused. And as they do that, they forgive any misunderstandings about who they were identified as. And ironically, there's an authentic confidence that is the ground of our being underneath the insecure thoughts and underneath the insecure feelings. And so as those thoughts and feelings are accepted, that confidence is more fully embodied.

It's not like you need to do anything to be more confident. You just need to let go of the things that have been blocking you from more fully experiencing the confidence that's already here. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. It can get so comfortable to just be who we've always been and to play small. and that's not where the growth lies. If we want expansion, true expansion in life,

we really have to step out into this new version of ourselves and take a look at these stories. So it's so beautiful. And that's why I love coaching because as a therapist was like, yes, a lot of the healing of the past, which is beautiful work. And then as a coach,

I think some of the shadow can be around achievement of like where I'm going. And the real work is always from presence and doing some, my experience is as somebody says yes to what's true and alive in their heart, whatever that goal or calling is, anything that was unresolved gets picked up for them to look at and transform to get to their next level. And so with coaching, you get to use something really grounded around I have this goal with my body or relationships and being able to step into that.

Then those things come up so they can be really looked at and healed or integrated. Yeah. Powerful. It's so powerful. Yeah. You have this. Can you speak to the freedom from and freedom too? Yeah.

I love that. Yeah. So this is actually from my meditation teacher, Adi Ashanti, and he speaks about freedom to versus freedom from. So freedom too is real freedom. I'm free to feel all of it. It's not running away from, no escapism. Whereas freedom from, a lot of people are like, I'm going to move to Bali. I need you to be a certain way, so I'm free, which is really not a deeper level of freedom.

And so the freedom too is kind of stretching the capacity to be with. the range of your human experience knowing you're not caught in any of it. And as you say yes to it, ironically, it moves on. Yeah. It's that resistance that makes it hurt, that creates the resistance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the courage to do it is everything. Yeah. Amazing. I feel so much of life is the balance is discovering our true nature, but also creating who we want to be in the world. And it's being and becoming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I love the framework of both self-realization and self-actualization. because one we doubt the other isn't complete in this human experience of life. We're here to taste all the flavors.

We're here to realize that who we are is inherently worthy and good enough as it is. And it's fun to play and create and wear different costumes and inspire people. And it feels really liberating, especially with coaching work, to be able to see somebody get more of themselves available through a breakthrough or through an insight. Yeah. I am personally really curious. Let's dive into business as a spiritual practice. My favorite.

Yeah, because over the past couple years, building my own business, which has been beautifully successful and so fulfilling, it's very much aligned in what I want to be creating and supporting people on the planet with the podcast production company. And then also just claiming deeper levels of financial freedom has exponentially supported me on my own spiritual path as well by virtue of needing to become more, to have more in that aspect. But also seeing whatever comes up and becoming a more efficient and somebody that's, capable of creating systems that can support the planet in a bigger way that's beyond just my

own time. So there's so many different avenues that we could go into this. But how is business as a spiritual practice been evolving for you? Oh, that's like my main spiritual practice right now. I know there's a there was a time where I love this frame. This is from Lockelly. He says there's waking up, waking down and waking out. So waking up out of identification. I'm not this body and this mind. And then it's waking down embodiment. I have a body and a mind and more than that. And waking out is this more awakened doing, being in the world. And for a long time after a lot of the spiritual, the silent retreats, I just wanted to sink my teeth into all of life and know myself as all of it. And the pendulum swung into business. I was like, let's create a business. Let's

really give back. It felt like a deep calling. And for me, I think this is my main spiritual path right now, is letting anything that feels unresolved in me around my business be part of my practice. The way that I'll coach coaches around it is oftentimes they'll say, I hate putting myself out there. And I'm like, are you putting yourself out there? Are you putting your services out there? Or they're like, charge what you're worth. And this is like a very well intended. But it's like, you could never charge who you are. Your services are what we charge. And so like really disidentifying with that. And especially when people are starting their own thing versus being an employee and getting a paycheck, it can feel like it's them.

And really unraveling slowly with mindfulness and stillness, oh, I am not what I do. Because there's so much, especially in Western culture, that's like we are what we produce. And we can know that at one level and maybe even know that, but do we really live that? Do we really integrate that? And that anything that has been contracting me is part of my spiritual path to keep getting, helping me wake up to the freedom that's inherently and already here. So running a team of like 33 and having 450 students in the last two years and all the things is like, is like, okay, I get to continue to use all of the grounded practical things that are,

you know, we're not going to be good at all of it and being able to receive support or ask for what we want, all the different ways that this psychologically can come up. And, you know, and I also just want to differentiate. the difference between awakening and spirituality, how I hold it. Awakening really just being about knowing myself, knowing myself as beyond this egoic, limited story of who I think I am. Ego meaning identified with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Whereas spirituality I find is like moving the energy of your Kundalini and like,

and all that stuff is beautiful. And I know for me I could get lost in the rabbit hole of all the different spiritual paths. And I feel like it's candy and it's fun, but I'm also much more committed. to the awakening path. Yeah, I love that. You also, by doing that, by virtue of doing that, you give yourself the opportunity to discover more of yourself. You put yourself in a position where it's like,

whoa, I have hundreds of students. I have to show up. I got to show up if I really want to be supportive in the way that I desire. So that's, it's like putting yourself out there, like claiming, okay, I am this. I'm going to start this podcast. I am going to start schedule. things and make it tangible and real and put yourself in a position where it's uncomfortable

and you've got to show up. Yeah. We put our, we put, we put, we don't put ourselves out there, but we put our work out there. And like those subtle things of like, and we hear that in our, on our, on our vocabulary all the time. Because that's when it feels like, if I'm putting myself out there, then I'm on this like, this roller coaster of like, like, my business is doing well. My business isn't doing well. I did a great job. And that's where I can get really, you know, tired if I'm doing that versus just kind of stepping back and noticing and truthfully when I was creating the certification program which was really a huge leveling up of my psychology and all of the skill sets I've never felt more spiritual support than anything in my life like I felt so much

light on my back I felt there was an alignment and energy moving through me for goodness it's been like two years on another level and it feels like when we answer the call to be of service and we kind of get out of our own way, there's a source of energy and alignment that can fuel us that is beyond stamina. It's just this, I've never had anything like it in my life. And I feel like every time I've said yes to whatever that call is,

I've been supported in a more energetic way than I had ever thought. Yeah. It feels like grace. Yeah. It's like you start pulling on that string of how you feel like you, what is truly lighting you up in life. And then life just kind of support. you. It's like, yes, more of this. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I'm still, I'm systems and team and some of that like

performance reviews and KPIs, those were not my skill set. And so there's a point and sometimes with business where you kind of, you are resourceful. You do what's sort of being asked of the moment and then it can grow you and then you hand it off or you learn skills or, you know, but every moment of answering the call, whether it's relational, professional, all of it will give us an opportunity. And my experience is that, and my bias is if I'm proactive, because nobody makes us feel a certain way, right? They kind of knock on the door and those triggers or those parts of us that were unintegrated sort of answer. And so it's like, okay, so that was in me. And maybe this relationship or this business endeavor brought that out of me. But if it was in me, I want to look at it so I can

help integrate it. So if somebody knocks on the door, it's not answering again. And so being proactive on a spiritual path, being younger, it's like, then I don't have to continue playing these things out because I got to really resolve it at the root and enjoy my life freer, lighter, happier as a result. And that's maybe part of my biased opinion, but I would rather be proactive to look at those things so I don't have to like have this heavy load the rest of my life. Yeah. And it's, I think it's a really beautiful framework to look at all the different dimensions of your life as a vehicle for spiritual awakening, whether it's business, whether it's romantic relationships or otherwise, your own personal health journey, whatever it is in your life, there's going to be things that

are confronting to you and you can either be defined by them or you can use it as a tool to step into who you truly are. So relationships is something that I would love to dive into next because that is for most people going to be the biggest one. Yeah. And I also think that sometimes people sweep it under the rug, right? And if that worked, I'd be all four. It gets really messy. And then other people trigger that same pattern. And I think that shows up a lot in relationships where it's like, you know, they made me feel this way. But then we start finding, and I think we're waking up as a society now, at least people that are on a personal development path. Oh, those are the patterns that in all of those people, here's the pattern that doesn't, that has been triggered in me that was back

from my childhood, my mom or my dad, whatever I felt was my deeper wound. For me, it was my mom. So my mom, I felt like had a lot of needs on me in a way that I felt for me and my brothers and I felt like didn't have as much of her backbone because she was going through a divorce. And I ended up marrying a man with no needs, very self-reliant as a result. And I got to really look at having really healthy integrated needs and different things. But if I have done that work, and now I have a really beautiful relationship with my mom. Took me eight years, a few ceremonies. I'm so grateful.

And where it's at is like, I proactively looked at working it with her. And I, ironically, was in a relationship before my marriage now. And it made no sense to my mind, but I was complete with that relationship. Only looking back, do I realize because I had healed it with my mom directly, I no longer needed to play it out with this former partner. And we completed in this really beautiful way. And I got to call in a relationship that was beyond my wildest dreams, but I wasn't looking for somebody to give me the love that I didn't think I already was.

I took a year to date myself to discover the source of love was who and what I already am. And then I wasn't trying to manipulate it, which surrendered and allowed for a beautiful relationship to flower. And even if I had met my husband now, I think if I were egoically still caught in some of those things, I would have put those filters on him and not let it flower into what we have. and we've been together 13 years. So beautiful. It's so beautiful.

It's so amazing. There's a few couples that I know in my life that are big inspirations of what it feels like to have a divine union and what you guys have is so special. Thank you. I feel like it is a big shift in what you spoke to from going to relationships with this idea of needing to extract joy from it. And they're feeding these different parts of ourselves that are unconsciously operating versus stepping into your power and going to relationship to share love. It's a completely different dynamic. And I feel like there's levels of relationship and not one, I should say maybe maturity. And it doesn't feel like one's better than the other.

It's like fifth grade versus 10th grade. And so fifth grade could be about healing some of those core wounds that we played out with our parents, whatever parent was most challenging. And understanding what that was taking responsibility that this is in me and my partner knocks on that door and activates it. And I, of course, I'm attracted to somebody that's going to activate it. And then owning that that that's in me. And either using the relationship, if you have two conscious couple, using that relationship to help each other heal, understanding when my partner gets activated, it's not about me. It's about that wound that gets activated.

And I can hold that loving presence for him to help heal. And if you are in a partnership that your partner's not available for that or isn't interested, you can still do the healing. You can still do it with a therapist, a coach, a friend, if they're very skilled, working it out, being conscious together so that, because you don't need to be dependent on being in relationship to have that kind of healing. And so the fifth grade level is about helping each other heal and doing it consciously, ideally, is better. So you understand, what are my core wounds that get activated? What are your core wounds?

How does that play out together? How do we support each other navigating difficulty or hardships? So we don't go to an unconscious programming of just what we saw our parents do or what we were programmed with. Whereas after a lot of that healing stage is complete, then you evolve into a more, celebrating love. And it's very easy and light. And I don't think we have a lot of examples of that yet. And I think more and more people are doing the work so that they can, regardless of what I love, you know, for me, it was like, I'm willing to do, I didn't have a partner at the time. And I was always, I was intending to be single for a year. And I was like, I want to be proactive to do this

work. So I did it with my best friend. And we just had honest conversations with each other. So that by the time I met my husband, we didn't have as much of that. to play out. It was like more about that celebratory. And there's like an onboarding of any relationship in Kinks in the beginning. But it can be really light. It can be easy. I think and also me personally more of my work has played out in business and has not played out in love because I've really took the time to comb through love. Right now I'm combing through some of the stuff that come up from your own business. It's beautiful. I think when doing the shadow work and I love these frameworks that we're kind of introducing a lot. There's been many throughout the whole podcast.

But the inner commitment and fire for self-realization and being able to take ownership for whatever your stuff is is so needed if you're going to have a healthy relationship because you can have one shadow and try to work it out with a thousand different people or you can do whatever your work is, however many shadows, a thousand shadows with one person. And it's just that framework that, okay, I'm going, if I'm having an issue with what is right now, it's my work. That's right. And so, yeah, it's, it's a powerful framework shift to have. And I think that people have this unconscious belief that they need to resist what's happening as a way to change it. So I've even seen, I've seen that in myself where it's like, okay, I'm resisting whatever, however my partner is for that example.

And then realizing, oh, what I really want, my deeper desire is for them to change. It's like, okay, I can accept whatever it is and have a request or have an ask or change it within me, which is more direct. Yeah. How have you been able to find, you know, after like a few. maybe the first 18 months of a relationship where it's honeymoon and everything is exciting. Oxytocin is rocking. And there comes a point where a lot of people expect their partners to be everything for them.

They expect everything to come from their partner in depth in conversation, physical attraction, play laughter. Of course we want all these elements within present within our relationship as we're who are spending the majority of our time with in this life. but how have you come to the realization that you're not going to get everything from your partner and that it's okay to have different relationships that fill you up in different ways. Yeah. And I love that your answers in the question. I didn't, I didn't, I got into my relationship with my husband now, not needing him to be a certain way.

And because of that, I think it's evolved into what it is now. So what comes up for me is if I think that like business or love, is going to give me something, it's already putting too much pressure on it. It won't allow it to flower. And my, and coming back to source as truth has always been the secret path for me in my life. Everything else has unfolded in this surrender experiment because it's just been coming back to the moment, coming back to source and truth. And then things flower in beautiful ways. And on the psychological level, yeah, of course, like that person could never, we never expect one person, one friend to give us everything or to meet us in our playfulness and our depth. And there are some non-negotiables.

I knew for me it was important to have a partner that was on a spiritual path with me. And that was a non-negotiable. But I don't necessarily, and I don't feel like he, he's got such an adventurous spirit and my husband and could be playing and all day long. And that's not as much my path. I feel more committed to create in a more, in a longer sustainable way. So we give each other permission to be exactly as we are. And when we got married, we redid our vows so that it was about honoring what's true, even if that means that it's no longer true to be together. Right. And letting him go every day.

Yeah. And there's a level of vulnerability in that, but there's a lot of level of freedom because we choose each other. And there's a deeper commitment to work through and own our stuff. It's beautiful, right? Because relationships are the biggest mirrors in our life. And if you're approaching them in this conscious way, by virtue of that, you're going to evolve as souls pretty rapidly and we're always constantly growing and shifting. So yeah, if you want to elaborate a little bit more on how do you feel it's ultimately a choice, right? But the commitment to be with somebody and my forever partner, right? All we have is this moment, right? So I love how you're saying,

we let each other go every day. We choose each other in each moment. How do you talk with people that have that kind of commitment anxiety of, you know, there's this, there's this fear of, I don't know if I'm going to be in love with this person five, ten years from now, I don't want to break their heart. I don't want to have my heart break. I think a lot of times we're afraid of that kind of possibility. Yeah. I think we're afraid to love that deeply. And I think we're afraid to love that deeply because we think it'll go away.

But when we realize it doesn't go away, there's no more fear. And we love deeply and we open. And we can project that onto everyone and not have a special one, but realize we are the one. Yeah. And can see that in everyone. And that's the bigger love affair. That is the spiritual path. It's awakening us to the love that's already within us.

Yeah. That is everything and everyone. Yeah. And then it's not like I have my partner that I project that onto. It's like I own that light, that love that I am, and I can see it in everything and everyone. And then there's not so much fear and clinging. And that's beautiful. Yeah.

And it's another level of relationship. It's like when the flower blossoms, the bees will come. and it's almost like whatever you resist persistent life. So it's kind of like a paradox, which much of life is. It's like our ability to let go and be okay with not having things the way they are creates a deeper level of intimacy in a really beautiful way. Yeah, and the intelligence of life and all of its unfolding. And the ego holding on and wanting to like manipulate it so that it gets its needs

but not realizing it's already done. It's already okay. And that will create more resistance in the relationship, right? When we want things to be a certain way of how they have been and not in the truth of how things are, which is ever changing and impermanent. Yeah. And the love doesn't die. The relationship may have an expiration date.

Yeah. The form changes. The form, that's right. But that love doesn't die. And that love is, you stay connected to it even if the form shifts. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful.

Amazing. So good. Okay. I want to touch on eneagrams a little bit. Because you mentioned it briefly earlier, and I think it's a really fascinating tool. So for people that don't know what eneograms are, you want to kind of give us a little framework of that. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah, the eneagram is a personality assessment test. So this is, they say that you have nine, there are nine different personality types in our human psyche. It's been channeled. The origins are super vague. And the way that I hold it is that the enneagram is who we are not. It's our conditioning. It's the ways, how I see it is, the ways that we look for love, attention, and approval in the world. when we don't know that we are that.

And it's a beautiful map of the psyche, of the human consciousness. So there's nine types. I'll go through them briefly. And then people can self-identify. I won't go deep because you could go into the enneagram like the astrology where it just is like this unending thing. But I found it so helpful for me to understand about my personality. And I find when I teach my coaches how to use it,

and I find that they can shave off about three one-to-one sessions, knowing somebody's core fear and core desire to be able to ask questions and go to the heart of whatever's coming up. And that's, I always go deep. So the way that the, yeah, most interested is going to the heart of like whatever it is. And then as you resolve it at the root, it'll show up in your relationships, in your business, and all the other areas of your life. So the one is the perfectionist, trying to find perfection externally rather than awakening to the, okay, I can see that. I can feel that. Yeah. I think one in eight. Okay. One eight and three. I think we're like, pretty high out there.

Great. I always love knowing because it feels like a fun flavor of somebody. And there's healthy and unhealthy, there's always a spectrum, right? So there's going to be shadows and gifts in all of it. And we look at what's our core desires and core fear. So the one is the perfectionist. And there's a right and a wrong way. And if you're ever parenting a one as a perfectionist child, you're not going to say this

is right or this is good because then they think they have to be the good boy or good girl and not identifying with it. But the ones love excellence. They love really doing their best and finding order in things. So I won't go into all of them because there's so many. But the one is a perfectionist. The two is the helper. Oftentimes they know the needs of somebody else before they even know their own needs.

And they're great with people. They have huge hearts. The three is the achiever. Unconsciously, they can look for their worth through what they achieve and what they do. And so that's why worth work has been pretty huge as well. And yet threes can get a lot of stuff done. So if you want it done very quickly, give it to a three. A four is the individualist. These are kind of the creative, deep divers. Like they're not, they're not afraid to go to the depth of their being. Like they're very, they want to bring beauty out into the world. Sometimes they struggle with routine and get bored or they can really like hang out in the past around things a little bit too much. I was blue. She was a four. I was a first partner. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah, a lot of creativity. The five is the investigative.

and you often will see professors as the investigators, those who have a lot of knowledge. They find value through what they know. So you'll see them in libraries and like really diving deep into knowledge and they can at Cartoli as a five where you can the you can bring an enlightened view and really touch and have a really comprehensive framework and model. The sixes are the loyalist and they tend to like routine. They like to keep things secure and known. And they can be super. loyal and and sometimes I'll teach my coaches do more mindset work with sixes because they can go to worst case scenarios who give them tools to overcome that pattern of thinking where the seven is the

enthusiast these are like the life of the party you know when a seven has walked into a room they're great with sales and I always tell my seven's not to get more excited than your potential client in a sales conversation like support somebody else's enthusiasm and I have different frameworks for how to sell to each type because it's like when you when you sell to a seven it's like we're going to throw a party afterwards and they're going to be like, yes. And so you can have that on your sales page or on your conversations. But sevens are great. They just tend to as a shadow, and these are all like type, not necessarily because you're a seven, you do this. But with sevens, they can have one one one one hundred foot wells versus one one hundred foot well. So they'll dabble in a

lot of things, could be an overnight expert versus really committing to mastery, really committing to their craft. The eights can be the challengers where they take on the big challenge. of the world. They really support the underdog. Sometimes they've had rough up upbringings. They had to grow up sooner quicker than other people did. And with an eight, they like it direct. They don't want any fluff. They just want to know how it is. And sometimes because they like that, they can give feedback very direct and not everyone can handle a direct comment. And so they need to learn sometimes how to articulate what's true in their heart. But I find that they're like M&M's like hard shell and like juicy, gooey, like super soft internal.

And then the nine is the last one. That's the peacemaker. And the peacemaker tends to really love just the peace of their being. And part of the work for nine is to get more in the fire, get more into the world and have a commitment and really show up. Sometimes nines can have issues with identifying their anger. And they can also be very easygoing, which is a gift, but not always kind of know what they're, desire is or speak their voice and can feel invisible. There's so much more to go into that, but just to give you a 10-minute, like, quick version.

And I don't have any affiliates or anything, but I like the Enneagram Institute, if people want to take a test. There's free versions online. You can take a, you know, very small fee to do an hour-long test to find out. But again, it's who you are not. It's what we go into as our programming when we're not present. So I think that's important. So it's not like, oh, I'm a three and I am an achiever. So that way you just understand, okay, this is how I am looking for.

Again, my frame is how we're looking for love and attention in the world, how we're looking for connection. Yeah, absolutely. So it's essentially like a series of questions really that you're just answering online. Yes. It gives you a description essentially how your personality operates in the world. And it gives you self-knowledge for essentially how your ego operates. That's right. And it will probably say that you're top two or top three.

And that can get confusing, but you are the only one that can type yourself, your own personality. And so what I like to look at is what are the core fears, what are the core desires? And that's how I would define, okay, no, you can still grow, threes and eights grow big businesses or they take on big challenges. But threes will do it for appreciation. And eights may do it because they want to take on a challenge. Or seven may do it because they want freedom in their life. Right. So a lot of entrepreneurs are sevens.

And so understanding why you do something, not just what you do. is most important when you're understanding, oh, no, I really kind of identify my personality with a three or an eight. Amazing. Outside of Enhagram, has there been another one or two tools that you recommend for people to gain deeper insight into self that you has been most, you know, impactful for you? I like self-inquiry. I love the question, who am I? And it's not a tool. It's just a question of, you know, I, you know, just sitting in meditation and just realizing there's an identity of being the meditator and waking up out of that. Just like my path has always been questioning everything since I was a kid.

So I love that question. Who am I? And stillness as a practice, you know, it feels really nourishing. But in terms of personality assessments, I started diving in recently to the gene keys. Nice. Yeah. And I saw that he's on. We had Richard on for one of the first episodes here.

It's great. He seems lovely. I'm curious to look into that. Because I like all these things. But I've not, to me, I'm really a student of the Enneagram and I know that well. Yeah. Amazing.

How would you summarize the journey of knowing thyself? By removing all the things I think I know about myself. Beautiful. And what have you found as on the other side of that? Everything. Yeah. Expansive awareness. I think that the more that we have access to who we truly are,

the quality of every dimension of our life just gets drastically better. Everything. That's amazing. What do you like to have big dreams and have a big vision for the planet? What do you want to create in the next 10, 20 years? Oh, 10, 20 years. No, you know, I know, I know the core of that is to be of service and to live my, live the work that I've done within myself as an example and to help people wake up to who

and what they already are and live and design a life that feels true in a life for them. That will show up in different forms, I'm sure. Right now it's a certification program. But I keep seeing visions of, I know that the form will change. And I'm pretty clear on the different forms between all the different ways to play with it. But I know the truth of that calling is the thing that I am so excited about answering. And it's the thing that I never want to end, just like coaching. Like the development of the art of transformation and growth, that is the goal that I never want to end.

Knowing myself, that is something I never want to stop exploring. How much more energy did you find in your life when you started being of service? So much more energy. It's so powerful because oftentimes people get so self-conscious because they think that there's this self-image, this barrier of who I am. And then it reverberates and it's like, oh, I'm nervous. But when we're dropped into our heart and we're just being of service and we're present. isn't all that goes away? And so the more, I mean, it's the most selfish thing to be of service. And it's just also the most juicy and delicious way to live a life. Like, you know, on your

deathbed, it's like, how did I live my life? How did I give back? That's what matters. And did I live my truth? Did I speak my truth? And I feel like we're doing a pretty incredible job. Yeah. So good. And service shows up in many different ways, right? I feel like we can think, oh, only life coaches show up in service. Oh, no. And some people think only, it only looks like, you know, working in a soup kitchen is showing up in service. How have you help people unlock what their gifts are so they can be of service with whatever

that is. There's an infinite amount of varieties in which how you could show up in the world and have it be an offering to just be inspiration or liberation or whatever it is for other people. In the beginning, before I started coaching coaches, I, there's people that were like, I don't like my job. And so, again, they were outsourcing their well-being. to something else instead of themselves. So you can do it in partner and business.

And it was like, well, we did some of the values work. And then understanding, how do I bring those values to my current job? Maybe that is the very thing that I'm, because clearly they're doing something because wherever they are, even if they leave that profession, if you start bringing those values there now, you're going to either enjoy it more before you leave or you may find that you really like what you're doing because it's the how more than the what. And so I'm never going to be in economics anything. Like that's not necessarily my skill set.

But I do know that there are, I know the healing arts and certain things and there's different expressions that those could take. So again, I think having those, doing the joy journal nightly for people to understand what brings me most aliveness and helping them design their life around that, understanding those values and how could they express them starting now, not waiting for another job, not waiting for another partner, but really embodying. them now and watching how that changes rather than feeling like they're a victim to something in the future or something outside of them changing so that then they can have that sense of empowerment and

alignment. And I do find that as they start embodying those things, other opportunities come forward. You know, it's that vibrational match too. Yeah. You start enwrapping your own gifts in life and life like we talked about earlier just has this way of providing grace and giving you more, more of that. Yeah. More life. Yeah. Yes. And then you appreciate it and more comes. Yeah. Absolutely. Is there anything else that you would like to touch on that we haven't shared today? That feels. Just that like wherever you are, if you're listening to this, wherever you are in your life and whatever relationship or, you know, goal that you have, that know that there's wisdom and divinity in this moment. And as you come to a deeper acceptance of wherever and however you are in this moment, it starts opening a path for you to keep following and follow the next most intelligent step, trusting that you're on the right place right now.

Thank you. Yay. I received that too. Yes. Yes. That's so good. You're such a queen. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. You're such a sweetheart. So grateful. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. Honored. Okay. Well, where can people find more of Alyssa? Alisa. Nobriga.com. Amazing. That's a place. Social media. Yeah. I'm on Instagram. I'm all the things. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. Any offerings or think cool things that are coming up or they can just go on there and Yeah. We're going to start enrollment for the certification program, which is a, 12 month, it's really about them doing their own shadow and integration work, learning to feel really confident as a coach with new tools. And then we do five months of business as a

spiritual path, as a path towards awakening. But how do I price my services, create packages for new and seasoned coaches? So good. Amazing. Yeah. Wonderful. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. And to all those that are listening, thank you again for coming on to the Know Thyself podcast. Let us know what you thought and you value insights that you get that you garnered from this Let us know in the comments below if you're watching on YouTube and if not, Apple, Spotify, and we also make clips. So our No That Self Clips channel is on YouTube and we have snackable pieces of versions of this episode available there.

Thank you for doing the work. Thank you for coming on this journey. Thank you for showing up. Let's see you love and light. Blessings.