Know Thyself - E97 - Sadia Khan: How To Avoid The Traps Of Modern Dating & Attract Aligned Love

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Psychologist and Relationship Expert Sadia Khan reveals the #1 reasons that are keeping us single and how to navigate the mess of modern dating. She and André delve into the complexities of modern dating and explore key aspects that contribute to its challenges. From deciphering the intricacies of choosing the right partner to overcoming past traumas and establishing healthy relationship templates, this episode offers practical advice and insights to set yourself up for romantic success. Sadia breaks down the often-debated topic of the "Boss Babe" mentality versus the biological clock, exploring tension between personal aspirations and pressures related to relationships and family planning. She also reveals the top green flags to look for in a partner, understanding someone's love language, and navigating polarity in relationship.  Finally, they shed light on the often-misunderstood aspects of gender dynamics in hetero-sexual couples, addressing the common misconceptions men may have about women's perspectives and needs, fostering empathy and understanding between genders. André's Book Recommendations: https://www.knowthyself.one/books ___________ Timecodes: 0:00 Intro  1:33 Why Modern Dating is a Mess 7:10 How to Set Yourself Up For Success 9:57 The Trouble with Social Media, OnlyFans, and Narcissism  17:27 Choosing the Right Partner: How to Align Your Values & Behaviors 20:34 Overcoming Trauma & Making a New Template for Relationships  22:59 Why Some Long-term Relationships Fail 30:05 Boss Babe Mentality vs The Biological Clock 37:03 The Problem with Seeking a Partner  40:11 Polarity in Long Term Relationships  42:08 Green Flags in Relationship  44:08 Dealbreakers & Falling in Love with Someone's Potential 51:10 Love Languages & Giving/Receiving Balance 1:00:10 Self Sourcing Happiness after Success 1:02:42 Knowing Yourself & Facing Your Shadow  1:03:34 The #1 Hack to Personal Growth  1:06:56 How to Know When to Leave 1:10:30 The Truth About Cheating & Attraction  1:16:17 Men Don’t Understand This About Women  1:19:11 Do You Need A Leader in a Relationship? 1:20:25 Women Don't Understand This About Men 1:29:28 Release Desire and Gain Self Control 1:31:53 Conclusion  ___________ Sadia Khan is a relationship coach who has dedicated her social presence to helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of modern relationships. Her passion for helping people build fulfilling and lasting connections has guided her on this meaningful journey. Sadia holds a BSc in Psychology, Master's in Education and Developmental psychology, Qualified Teachers Status, Diplomas in Psychotherapy, Advanced CBT, Psychoanalysis, and Inner Child Healing.  Her academic training and extensive practical experience allow her to offer well-rounded and evidence-based guidance.  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thesadiapsychology/ Website: https://www.sadiapsychology.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@sadiapsychology ___________ Looking to Start a Podcast? Podcasting Course: https://www.podcastpurpose.com/ Know Thyself Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/knowthyself/ Website: https://www.knowthyself.one Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ4wglCWTJeWQC0exBalgKg Listen to all episodes on Audio:  Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4FSiemtvZrWesGtO2MqTZ4?si=d389c8dee8fa4026 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/know-thyself/id1633725927 André Duqum Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/andreduqum/ Meraki Media https://merakimedia.com https://www.instagram.com/merakimedia/

The impact of a loving and consistent partner is a lifelong therapy session. It really transforms you. Here's a key problem. Unfortunately, we're living in a paradox of mental health. We have quick-fix solutions to what we think our fundamental needs are. What pornography and social media has done has escalated what we desire in a partner. If someone doesn't meet our needs initially, we replace them. As a result, we've got an epidemic of loneliness.

So we're putting all the pressure on finding this one person to meet every need, One person is in a sea of millions and we don't even know if they're going to like us back. Do you think we're wired for monogamy? I would say there's two types of men in the world. I would say some men. So I don't know if I fully agree. Tell me, what do you think? I know we want the best, but why do we want the best in terms of aesthetics?

Why not we want the best in terms of treatment? Shouldn't your full potential be somebody who loves you and worships you and wants to be with you? The joy you get from choosing a woman who's truly attracted to you, who truly wants to be with you, is a irreplaceable feeling. Hey everyone, welcome back to know their self. I'm excited to be sitting down today with a psychologist and relationship coach who has devoted her social online presence to supporting individuals and couples in regards to modern relationships, happiness, healing,

so much that I'm excited to dive into today. Sadia Khan, thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, the pleasure is mine. Let's dive right in. We live in a very interesting time. We have this fundamental need for human. and connection and intimacy.

How do you see through the lens of mental health juxtaposing really our need, our intrinsic need that we all have for connection and intimacy versus modern society's infinite access to fickle and dopaminergic substitutions for intimacy? Unfortunately, we're living in a paradox of mental health.

We have quick-fix solutions to what we think our fundamental needs are. So we've been told, we know what we need, But instead of connection, we've kind of created a society which breaks down connection and artificially inseminates connection in all ways, shapes and forms, whether that's through social media, so you no longer have phone calls or face-to-face conversations and actual intimate connections. Instead, you keep in touch by just seeing pictures and videos and breeding a bit of jealousy rather than connection with the people you truly love, or breeding a bit of judgment with people rather than actually connecting to them. or if you're craving emotional intimacy with the opposite gender or with the same gender or with partnerships, you have dating apps which kind of sever the investment required for relationships because everybody becomes disposable.

Everybody seems like, you know, we judge them as shallow and superficially. And even just everything in life, we're supposed to practice the arts of, in order to breed connections, you need skills like investment, patience, commitment. But we've got fast fashion, fast food, deliveries. everything that's creating impatience in a human being, which then we take that skill and apply it to human connection, which essentially means if someone doesn't meet our needs initially or immediately, we replace them. And as a result, we've got an epidemic of loneliness. We have this biological need, obviously, that's evolved for human connection, so many of these

things. And like we're just speaking to modern society is giving us these quick fixes. But that give is that momentary sense of dopamine or satisfaction, but doesn't ultimately fulfill us in the way that we need to have a healthy mind and healthy body and sustain that for longevity-wise. And so there's many different forms of this through social media, TikTok, pornography that really create the solution to what then becomes a problem. And so when you're a coach working with individuals and you're supporting people that are struggling with that, whether it's addiction to social media, men with pornography or whatever it is, what do you do to help them actually move the needle and then come back into relating with those healthy forms of connection? I'll be honest with you. I'm struggling myself. Yeah,

I will be very honest with it because here's the key problem. Children are addicted to pornography. It's not an adult problem. It's a child, a children problem. They usually are young playing video games. So they start with addiction to video games and that becomes very difficult. And then they see the pop-ups and then they start watching pornography. And by the time they're 18, they've got a full-on addiction, but they don't realize it's an addiction. So you're competing with now their childhood and their complete habits that you can't really compete with. But the main thing it's done to men and women, but particularly to men, is we can all find connection. We think it's really hard, but we can all find connection if we simply like what likes us, if we're simply, you know,

look for reciprocity. We want what wants us. We stay within our level. I don't mean that in an insult, But it would be a pointless strategy for me to want a, you know, like a complete superstar and be like, no, Chris Brown has to be with me. It's not going to happen. If I stay in my level, somebody who works in a similar industry, somebody who looks similar to me, somebody is like that, we'll all find partners. But what pornography and social media has done has escalated what we desire in a partner. And as a result, we think we're super lonely. We think there's nobody out there for us. But essentially, there are people out there for us.

but we classify selecting people who are on our similar level as settling. And therefore we keep aiming higher and higher, thinking that the bar is higher and higher. And as a result, we end up lonely when really we could just shift our desires to the people who invest in us and focus our attention there. But we're constantly focusing our attention on things that we've seen online and things that we've seen other people do. And therefore, we lack the actual intimacy and connection and we don't look for reciprocity anymore. that's why people are struggling a little bit in that sense. Yeah, I've always felt that even when I have, you know, some sensations of like lethargy or, you know,

rumination in the past, like just simply going in nature, like connecting with real soil and like the real world, you know, is like what we make it to be this catastrophic thing that we need to have an existential solution for, but really like the solutions are so simple and just giving our human biology what it needs. It's so simple. Like, I'll have a man that's addicted to pornography and he's like, I have no luck with girls. I have no luck with girls. And I said, what kind of girls are you going for? And it will be a Swedish supermodel that lives in a different country.

And he's in his mom's basement. You know, he's not looking after himself. And he's like, those girls don't like me. I'm so lonely. I'm like, but there will be girls that do like you. You just don't want to attach to what is available to you. So what's happening is we're forming artificial connections with people who are out of our league. And therefore, we're experiencing continuous rejection.

and we're trying to bypass rejection by using only fans or subscriptions or pornography. And as a result, we can't get the human connection because human nature and human connection requires those emotions like rejection, investment, commitment. And we're skipping all of that and then just getting to the outcome, which is a fake outcome of just sexual pleasure, unfortunately. So what's the difference between the balance of what men versus women need for self-control and authenticity? For men and women, I would say self-control, the art of self-control is having a

a vision. That's all it is. It's not so much being restrictive, but it's understanding where you want yourself to be in the future, visualising what your outcome of life would look like, and then using that as a motivator to inform your decisions. And what I mean by this is, I, you know, I like food. I enjoy all types of food. But because I might have a vision of how I want my body to look, that long-term vision of where I see myself is a motivator for me not to succumb to my desires right now. Similarly, you might love sex with beautiful girls or so on and so forth, but you want a marriage with kids and you want to maintain that, not everybody, but some men want that. They want a committed, long-lasting relationship. So you have to control what you currently

desire for your long-term vision of yourself. And when people forget their outcomes and their long-term visions and they forget what in the long-term could be worst-case scenario, long-term it could be being really overweight, out of shape, in a really unhappy situation, they forget that that's a really real consequence of short, like current decisions, that's how they get into a lack of self-control. But if you just remind yourself that you owe your future self good decision-making today, it will enable some good decision-making. In terms of authenticity, I think what most, and I think a lot of women are suffering from this, myself included, is we are constantly bombarded of what kind of woman we should be. But before, there would probably be one narrative

of what a woman should be. Nowadays, it's like you've got so much online telling you that you can be a bad bitch or you can be a boss or you should be conservative or you should be, there's so many mixed messages on what a female identity should be that women are losing their identity and kind of molding into whatever's in fashion in that moment. And as a result, they're losing connection with what's truly compatible with them and they're not finding the right connection. So when they're teenagers, it might be to be a bad bee, then it might be. become like, oh, I want to settle down, but then, and there is just no consistency in their behaviors and their morals and their desires. And as a result, they get quite confused as they're growing up.

So in regards to both of those, I love the thought that you shared on self-control and how it doesn't have to be this kind of forceful, militant, you know, force that we push on ourselves, but rather it can be, when you taste something more fulfilling, the lesser will naturally fall off. If you have a vision and you have, you craft a reality for yourself that, you know, meets your knees, then you don't have to fall prey to these lesser things that are going to have all these other deleterious effects. On the flip side, with authenticity, I've heard you speak to many times how feminine, femininity has been largely replaced by narcissism.

I have, yeah. And it's really sad because I, I mean, there's billions of dollars spent every single month shaping the psychology and narrative of what a woman should be in particular. what it means to be an attractive woman. And, you know, there's, there's so many down ripple implications cascading from that, you know, one being the booming only fans industry and TikTok and Instagram and social media being platforms where women are seen and in many ways rewarded for, you know, being scandalous. And like, I think there's a lot of beauty with the sexual liberation and giving yourself

the freedom to explore those things at the same time. I definitely really worry about what's, what is doing to the psychology of little girls. Yeah. And here's a flip. Here's what I'm noticing more and more. And I've been in a bit of a cocoon. I'm Pakistani. I'm from a different culture and so on and so forth. But as I'm working with more and more clients, I don't even, I don't put the oneness on women of why narcissism has grown so much. I actually think that men have become scared to hold women accountable. They've become scared of that. And what I mean by this, is I had a client earlier today and he had some indiscretions in his marriage. They'd been married 25 years and he was court texting.

I mean, he didn't do a full on an affair, but texting is enough to annoy a woman, so I understood. But that meant he had to share his location wherever he went. She had access to all his social medias and she had to always do his WhatsApp and whatever it is. No problem. I'm not saying whatever works for you. But if it was the other way around and a man had access to all of her socials,

he would be seen as toxic. he would be seen as insecure, and she would be within her rights to be like arrest him. He's being, he's driving me crazy. It's just that the things that, the parameters are not the same anymore. Even men are scared to kind of say their needs to women nowadays. They almost have to pander to them so, so much that I worry about them. I think they're largely confused as well. In this society, it's very easy to shame what we actually sexualize.

And that's, those are two opposing energies like where you want something, but yet you put it down. and it feeds the cycle of it. What do you mean by you shame what you sex? You could see a woman posting, you know, content pushing towards her only fans account or whatever. And as a man, you might find that attractive and sexualize it. At the same time, you're like, you could shame it because you think that it's bad for society and all these different things. It's a conflicting need because you're getting their core desires and then showing them it all the time and then reminding them they're disgusting for wanting it. And it's a bit strange. It's a mixed message. So even the women that, you know, expose themselves,

it's a, they will still shame the same man for actually being into her and being like, you know, so it's such a blurred line. But what I would still say is I still put the onus on men why women are becoming narcissistic. And I give my own example of this. And this is going to sound like I'm super jealous, but I'm not saying it in that way. I'm in a unique position where I can help millions of men online and so on and so forth. But I look at my subscribers. rate and I look at like all my subs and it's still minimal compared to a woman that would show all her body. And I start to think that's not women's fault. There's very few content creators. The followers are men. Even somebody like Jordan Peterson who's dedicated his whole career to

supporting men, I would argue there are some only fan creators who earn more than him, who get more followers than him. So as much as women are becoming narcissistic, they're responding to the male investment. Males are still investing in all of these women. Their followers are not females. The subscribers are not females. So I actually think a tiny subgroup of women have become really narcissistic. Majority of women are not content creators. Majority of women are not online.

But that tiny subgroup has got the rest of millions of majority of men on a chokehold. So it's almost like there's so many good women in the world, so many. And they struggle the most in relationships. Where the narcissistic women have it the easiest. men on tap whenever they want, however they want, subscribing to whatever I want. Now, you try meet a good, wholesome woman who just wants a good relationship. She will tell you, she downloaded a dating app. One guy after the other let her down. She tried to get into a relationship. He was found talking to other girls. She tried to connect with a long guy, but she saw that his Instagram was

following a bunch of naked models. It put her off. So if the good women are suffering with this and the narcissistic women are making a killing from being like this, we also have to look at where men are rewarding female behavior. In terms of modern dating, what do you think of that difference between viewing dating as this kind of like this capitalistic machine where you're viewing like if somebody's worth you based off of what you have versus more of some like the intrinsic qualities that you value and find alignment with that would actually, you know, sustain a relationship long term? I think it is changing. I think there was a far more emphasis on intrinsic values for men and women. But I think over the course of becoming a bit jaded by going on lots of dates and not it not working out. Women have

now started a movement of being like, look, chances are we're all going to end up a bit divorced or we're all going to end up a bit jaded. I'd rather be divorced with alimony and a good lifestyle than divorced and then broken, not knowing how to look after my kids. So they're slowly indoctrinating women to become more extrinsic. Again, I'm not blaming them. I just think this is what society is doing. And they're learning very quickly to get the best out of men, to get the most resources out of men. You have to lead with sex. You have to lead with appearance. And as a result, you're creating very shallow connections. So I do think, unfortunately, society is pushing men to just provide resources, women to just provide beauty. You're both stealing energy from each other,

but not contributing to each other. And as a result, we're getting a few broken souls. I wouldn't say that's the majority, but I do think that's the majority of online behavior. Yeah, I don't think it's the majority of offline behavior, but online, that message is being reincarnated again and again. Yeah, I've ever heard you say that modern dating is like preparing for divorce, essentially. Essentially, because all the skills and tools that you need for divorce is what we're practicing. So we're learning how to, you know, clap back. We're learning how to get into shape if you break up. We're learning how to get back to practice detachment and, you know, how to recover. and how to keep backups in case this goes wrong.

So we are entering, and I'm not saying that's necessarily, you know, in honesty, sometimes I give advice and I say to people, marry the person that you can divorce. And what I mean by that is choose somebody that if worst case scenario happen and if a divorce was to take place, this person is still a reasonable and flexible human being. Don't choose somebody that you love very deeply, but if God forbid you got on their wrong side and you got a divorce, you'd be devastated for the rest of your life. So I'm a contributor to this terrible message, but it's only because, unfortunately, these are the skills and tools that we're constantly being embedded in our behavior, how to recover from a breakup, how to move on quickly, how to make sure that you're, how to get your, like, make it extra regret it. It's all this kind of preparing for the worst rather than for preparing for the best.

How do you discern and distinct between what's authentic boundary that you want to uphold because it's in alignment with your values versus. trying to control behavior versus, you know, based out of an insecurity. Okay. Here's a thing that's tricky with values. Everybody on paper has the same values and they're all sound great. We all think that we want kindness, we want connection, we want someone who's good to our family, we want someone who would be a good parent.

But I think a lot of people are in denial about their true values. And what I mean by your values is what do you invest most of your energy in and what is your behavior telling you? So some men will come to me and say, I want a really good woman. I really want a good woman. I want to settle down. But they're paying for escorts and that's who they're primarily dating. And they're falling in love with these escorts and, you know, they're being planning on. And I said, but that's, your values are, you have to look at your behavior. Do an inventory of your behavior and ask yourself,

what am I actually rewarding the most in other, in the opposite gender? Who am I rewarding the most? Am I rewarding the person who's kindest to me, who's the most loving to me, who's the most soothing to me or am I rewarding somebody who makes me feel unseen, who makes me feel unworthy, or somebody who I just find super attractive, someone who gives me money, what am I actually rewarding? Who am I actually spending most of my time with? That will tell you what your values are. Don't just pretend you have these really great strong values. Once you've done an inventory of your values, if you don't like them, then you have to change your behavior. It's not just a mindset. A lot of people think my values are, oh, I'm just going to change my mindset. I'm going to watch a

A lot of men do this. They might watch a bunch of Andrew Tate and be like, I've got a new bunch of values. And it's like, but what is your behavior? Like, where is your behavior going? If you're still, if you're thinking a certain way, but your behavior is not aligned to that, it's not a value. It's a delusion. So constantly look at your behavior as an indicator of your values. The other thing to recognize is sometimes your values and your behaviors is very much infiltrated

by your traumas. I get them. I completely understand that. And I have been very much an advocate for, you know, childhood trauma, but unfortunately I've seen in my own practice, but sometimes we are using this as an excuse. I'm totally compassionate with your trauma. But don't use that as an excuse to abuse others. Don't use that as an excuse to use others and don't use that as an excuse to mis-expect people to accept your mistreatment. You still have to, part of your values to still include treating people correctly. If you were really anxious and that now me, that you're really abusive to your partner and you might be emotionally abusive or really controlling and you say, oh, but that was just my trauma, you have to accept it. Part of your values should be treating those that you love with respect and dignity and overcoming your trauma to make this relationship work. So I would say that values have to be in line with behaviors.

Look at your behaviors as an indicator. If your values have been muddied by your traumas, it should be still your value to undo the trauma to treat people correctly. Yeah, there is that very virtue signally kind of immature version of what you say your values are versus your behaviors reveal what your true values are. Yeah. In that process of meeting somebody that you're attracted to, of starting a relationship with someone, how much do you see as a psychologist in your background and study is like the template that we have for relationships stemming from childhood? what are the key things that we can become aware of as to what are coping mechanisms, attachment styles, like these things that really inform how we relate and how we forgive when working with people.

Like, does it always just come back to that? Well, you have to ask yourself, what do I do when I'm at my worst? How do I treat my partner when I'm at my worst? We're all good at our best. And a lot of people are like, oh, but I love her because at her best, she's fantastic. Or he's so great at his best. But really select people by what they're like at their worst. because this will reveal your coping mechanisms.

And so if at your worst, you figure out that you get abusive physically, you get abusive, then you're not ready for a relationship. And similarly, if you find that at your worst, you can be emotionally abusive, a bit aggressive, this is not, you're not ready for a relationship. Select people who at their worst, at their worst you can handle them. Not accepting, but can you handle them at their worst? Do not go into relationship editing their behavior based on, just what they do at their best. When I always say to people, take your partner's worst behavior

and imagine it gets 20% worse for the rest of your life. Would you still be with them? If the answer is yes, look, my partner, for example, is a very boring person. He's a boring man. You'll come home, watch Judge Judy and go to bed. That's his life. Now, if that gets worse and he progresses to Dr. Phil or something, I could probably handle that, you know, I could probably handle that. But if it gets to the point where, let's say the deal breaker is, he's hostile, he's aggressive, and is verbally aggressive. Now, if that gets 20% worse and he starts being verbally aggressive in public

or he starts being verbally aggressive to kids or something like that, I don't know if I can handle that for the rest of my life. So take people with their worst behavior, just, I'm not saying end it, but just be realistic with yourself. If it gets about 20% worse, could you maintain this marriage or relationship?

If the answer is, yeah, I mean, they're a bit annoying, they're a bit messy, but if they got 20% worse, I can take that, it's not the end of the world, But if it's like I'm hanging in by a thread right now, if they even get one percent worse, I won't be able to handle it. Do not increase your investment with that person. You will regret it. So just be mindful of that.

What do you think about traditionally as a man gets older, what society views as valuable kind of tends to increase, meaning his success, the money he makes, all of these things. And traditionally, what society views women as kind of their values is in beauty. And unfortunately, it's mainly just like external beauty. as time progresses as people get older, those are kind of going at an inverse rate, meaning the man kind of continues, stock continues to go up and a woman's would go down in that metric. Now, I believe that there's so much more to obviously a woman's beauty than just the, like,

but what do you think about that in terms of the problems it creates when relating and dating? The problem it creates essentially, here's what I would say. The problem is with, I think pornography and Instagram doesn't help, But the main thing that I find with men as they age is their sex drive doesn't decrease. And for a woman, it's more her sex drive decreases so much as she gets older and as she gets children and so on and so forth. So the craving for more women younger usually comes when that need is not being satisfied. So I think what happens is men are relatively consistent in how much sex they want for the rest of their lives. Yeah, if they said three times a week at 15, they'll say that at 65.

That's, it doesn't change. For women, it's kind of like, they don't have that. They don't really have that experience. So what ends up happening is as a man ages, he feels like he's providing more to the family. He's doing more. He's more valuable. But he is, he's receiving less sex as he gets older from his partner. And it's his feel, for men, a lot of the time, that's their form of appreciation. So they're feeling like I'm getting more valuable. I can have more options. I'm choosing to commit to you and I'm not getting the one thing I need. And they're like, okay, fine, I'm going to go and like kid at a candy store and go elsewhere and go find it. The problem is, whichever woman you choose, her desire decreases.

She could be 20 or she could be 50 as they get more connected to you. Their desire decreases. So I think the mismatch is not just only on the external values, but also on their experience with sex. I do think men who have a happy sex life tend to be relatively okay with their partner forever. but those that feel deprived in that area really crave to go back into the dating pool, access a younger, more beautiful woman, just to get that feeling again. And I'm learning that more and more working with more clients, how consistent it is for them and how much they want it.

But at the same time, they're afraid to have those confrontational conversations with their wives because society and everybody kind of makes us feel like it's a bit toxic to ask that from your partner. But I do think if we are sworn to sexual monogamy with somebody, it is your right to at least have those. discussions and ask for what your needs are. But a lot of men are afraid to ask that and then they end up going elsewhere and breaking the laws of the marriage. Do you think we're wired for monogamy? I think we're wired for connection. And I would say there's two types of men in the world. I would say some men are very monogamous to their wife, whoever she is. If they're married,

they can stay married. They're committed to that vow and they can be loyal to her for the rest of their lives. Other men, I think majority of men, are loyal to the world. woman they fell in love with. If she stays that woman, he can be loyal to her forever. If she stays that woman. But if she changes aesthetically, emotionally, sexually, if she changes, the polygamy in him starts to kick in. So I think loyalty, some men are loyal to the woman regardless of her behavior, some women are loyal to the woman they fell in love with. And you just have to decide which kind of man you are. And if you are the type of man who's going to be loyal regardless of whether she changes, doesn't change her, marriage is really good for you. Yeah, it will stabilize you. It's really good for you.

If you are the man that is loyal to the woman you fell in love with, but if she gains her, if she has kids, if there's no sex, you're going to stray. I'm not saying don't get married, but communicate the importance of her remaining similar to the woman you met in order for you to stay monogamous. I think it's a kind of insane proposition, though, because there's no way any woman or man can stay the same as they will when you met them. It's such an unrealistic expectation. But I would say that we owe our partners to stay within the ballpark of it in the sense that the fundamentals is whatever amount of effort I put into the relationship in the beginning stages, I'll still try and put that effort into it with kids and our body's going to change. But if we become a completely different person,

but we can find them, it's going to be a bit difficult. So I don't know if I fully agree. Good. I'm so glad you disagree with me. Tell me. What do you think? I think that if we go into partnership with the intention that we're going to, to stay who we have been. And I know you're not saying fully. Like, of course, we're gonna evolve and whatnot. Like, I think it's an illusion to think that we're going to be with somebody that we met

and they're gonna stay that way forever. But I feel like what, and I would love to hear your perspective on this, what would be a healthier perspective perhaps would be to be on the devotion to each other's evolution and whatever truth arises in that, even if that means the falling off of old ideals, believes, dogmas, whatever is in the way from us blossoming as an individual first and foremost as we are like reflections

of each other discovering our own true nature. To me like the devotion to the path of evolution is more important. Yeah, more important. I agree. I think that's a really great way to look at it. Like I could definitely agree that you should stay devoted to being curious about your partner, staying connected to their partner as they change. But unfortunately, what I notice is particularly, I don't know how, because most of my clients are women, but I do notice when their primary need, even though they might stay somewhat connected, but if their primary need, they're being deprived of that, they will seek it. And I think it's hedonistic and I think it's a wrong way to look at it. But I think realistically this is what they do. So if women are deprived of their,

say in the beginning he was very like maybe very verbally affectionate, very physically affectionate, just, you know, invest in it. If that changes, and drastically throughout the marriage. Some women can just evolve and adapt to the fact that man's not going to compliment you every day for 50 years. Other women are like, well, I really need that. And they might outsource it. Similarly, some men, she will just adapt, like her body's changed.

She's got a bunch of kids. She doesn't want to sleep with me anymore. I can deprioritize sex for a bit of my life. I've had a good run. You know, I'll be fine. Other men will refuse to accept that progress. So I think knowing yourself and your flexibility will do. determine whether or not you can be monogamous. If you are inflexible and you are simply like

you have to stay the person I met and if you don't stay that person, I'm going to go recreate those initial stages with another person and then fall into the same trap of that, then it's probably better you don't get into a marriage. But if you are a flexible person who is going to remain curious and involved with your partner, absolutely I would recommend the way that you described it is perfectly aligned with what I recommend. So what do you think about this kind of revolution of liberation or liberal movements in terms of dating. As a woman, also, there's this big fulfillment that comes uniquely that can be filled in other ways, but you can't have the same experience, obviously, of having a child and building a family, which a lot of women, and not every, there's

a whole, you know, bell curve of where people land on this, and there's, of course, outliers in every case. But it's such a uniquely fulfilling aspect of what it means to be a woman, I feel. And, you know, I feel the same way as a man. Like, I'm just really excited for that one day. Yeah, I'm glad that thing. What do you think about that juxtapose? with this like boss babe woman mentality of acting more traditional ways a man would. Yeah, but I think that again, it's a long-sightedness is really deprived here. And I say this with no judgment. Sometimes women struggle to have children and it's not their choice.

But that decision I'm seeing a lot of young girls make that decision in their 20s. They're like, oh, I don't want to have kids and I don't want to do this and I don't want to do that. It's a bit short-sighted because firstly I do think that you don't experience. and I'm saying this as somebody without children myself, but you don't experience true womanhood until you know what your body is capable of through children, because you realize what everything is designed for.

Everything was designed to cater for a baby, which is a beautiful thing. It's not an oppressive thing. It's a beautiful thing. But one thing I would say is, as our society is getting more and more disconnected, we are going to have AI girlfriends, we're going to have robots,

we're going to have all of this nonsense. The one thing that creeps connection as you age tends to be children. You probably see it with your own parents and I see it with my parents, is that there's some relative human connection that is almost everlasting, if you're lucky enough to have good parents. Some parents are not like that.

But if you are lucky enough to have that, you know that there's the one form of connection you can count on. You can't count on your partners. You can't count on your friends and stuff. But children is almost an insurance policy against loneliness. Now, to completely disregard that and be like, no, I never want to have kids. But the fun life that you're enjoying in your 20s and your 30s,

you're not going to be able to pick up and go on vacations at security. and 70 and there will be a time when you get to the weekends and all of your friends will be taking their kids to play and all of your friends will be married or you don't even have friends anymore as you age and stuff and those choices you made were quite short-lived so I do think this I to each the around whether you want kids or not want kids but an almost shaming towards having kids and almost becoming a trend to not want kids is still hedonistic and any culture or any society that's claiming that you should live a selfish life and it shouldn't be in the service to others and whether it's children, you're missing out on a lot of a human experience.

I know it's the most selfless and the most exhausting experience, but I think it's good for the human soul to live a life that's outside of their own primary desires and children really force you to do that. So I think it's good for everybody to have an experience in life where they're in a service to others and there's no better service than children. Unless the outliers really get that, like they really sit with it, of course, and have that clarity. Or they have an alternative way of serving others. Yeah, maybe they have like a career similar to ours or they've adopted or they invest. But just purely hedonistic is dangerous. But I think if your alternative, your plan

be safe, you can't have children is to, you know, volunteer or dedicate to others or heal or help. That can fill that void. But I do think it's a human need to give to others and dedicate to others. What do you think about the pressure of the biological clock for women? Because I definitely see it's in point of contention that is really, I have so much compassion for it. Matthew Hussie, we were just talking about. He gave that example of like if the same pressure was put on as a man. Like you have to achieve all your dreams and become a millionaire by like 35 or 40 or whatever it is.

Otherwise it's off the table forever, you know, what that would do to the psychology of a man. It's obviously not the same, but it kind of points in this direction of this pressure that, you know, this window where you might desire that. It's horrifying. It's really horrifying because there's a time pressure and then some women, will drop their standards in what they want in a partner simply to have the baby, which is, I'm not judging that. I think that's totally fine.

If that's what you want to do, if you want children, no worries. You know, it might enhance the chances of a broken home, but sometimes the baby's worth, you know, the stress of that. So I understand. But at the same time, I think women, what happens then when they, here's how you kind of cope with it a bit better. My recommendation always to women is sometimes they'll get to 40 and 41 and 42, and they will still be like, no, no, I want to have kids.

I want to have kids. And they're like kind of fried with that mentality. I think the better thing to do is as you get into your late 30s, be totally and utterly aligned with a plan B. If plan B, let's say, for example, you're not having children, it's not happening and you haven't found the one or whatever it is, you find an alternative way to live your life that would still be somewhat fulfilling. If you don't have that and you haven't found your partner,

you will slip into a slow depression. Yeah, it does do that to you. But if you have a plan B, that plan B might be, okay, I decide to adopt or, okay, I'm going to date somebody that already has children. Or I'm a bit flexible with what I want to do with the rest of my life. Then you'll be okay. But if you have no plan B and it's just stuck on having children, you will suffer. Sometimes I'll meet women who are like in their mid-40s and they're like, oh, no, no, I'm still trying. I've got IV for that and they're putting their body through so much.

Whereas if they just let go and thought, I'll grieve that idea I once had and now look for a plan B where I can still fulfill my potential. or I think it's better for their mental health than just forcing something that's not happening. Yeah, there's obviously the pressure of the time, but then also if women have a really high standard of who they want to be with, I could see how it's settling would lead to a broken home

or potential divorce or things that you might not be totally stoked on in the future. Well, here's a thing. If you value having children more than having a relationship, just pick somebody who would be a fantastic co-parent. If worst-case scenario happened, they would be a fantastic co-parent. If you're focusing on the partner and he might be a businessman,

but you see that he's always away, he's never home with the kids, he's not got that kind of, he's not stable, but he's just high value and you're having a child with him. You're going to struggle a bit. So change that to if you're in that position where you're having to decide between children and a partner, choose what you are somebody that you could perfectly, not perfectly, but you could effectively co-parent with

if that's your end goal. But if your end goal is a partner, you can focus on the partner side of things, but if your end goal in life is, I'd rather be, have a mother than I would be a wife, if I had to pick one, then focus on their ability to co-parent. Some women, what they'll do is they'll focus entirely on, like, how good a guy is to him. But you might have children that he neglects, or she might have children that she doesn't really pay much attention to.

But if they are already a parent, pay attention to how they treat their children, how much of a priority their children are. If they de-prioritise their children, do not go in... You can have children with them, but have low expectations of what those children mean to them in their life. Do you think that the energy of seeking a partner and like trying to, I guess, fulfill that need externally, do you think the act of that energetically brings it in closer or pushes it away? I'm always curious about this. I'd love to hear your take on it.

In my personal experience, I always found that it pushes it away. But I do know women who are like, I want to get married and have a baby. And they would go on like 100 dates on Tinder and make it their mission. And sometimes it would work. So I'm curious, what do you think about them? Maybe you know a little bit more than me because I've, I always saw some women would treat it like a job. And they'll say, I'm going to go on 50 dates. I'm going to make sure I find my husband.

Every guy I get with, I'm going to ask him, what's the plan? If it's not thereby, and they almost treat it like work. And I've seen it pay off. But I also, for me personally, I found that very draining and it kind of ruined the authenticity of connections because you're viewing it through the lens of like almost like an interview. So I'm always curious which works better. What do you think works better? Again, I just really don't think it can be a one size fits all because there's just such a big spectrum. And I could see how just having a sheer numbers game approach of the more people you meet,

the more likely you're going to find somebody who's in alignment with you. That also being said, like, I believe there is this like vibrational or energetic component as well when you kind of find that sense of home and non-neediness within yourself, which I understand can be so difficult. and I can't even put myself in a woman with, for example, the biological clock issue. You know, it takes inner work to find that kind of self-saciation in a way. But to me, that as a man is more attractive, you know, when a woman's really in her body and is regulated and is at home within herself, that to me screams maternal energy. That to me screams somebody that I could, you know, settle down with. But do you think a woman that kind of like creates a relationship and pushes a man towards a relationship is like,

Like, okay, all or none kind of. Do you think she's more likely to get a relationship than the one that's just take it easy, see how it goes, or whatever it is? I think she probably is more likely to get the relationship, but it might not be in alignment with, I guess, the longevity of somebody who's aligned. Because I saw someone, it was a doctor, Oregon, he said, like, when men want sex, they what they'll do is they'll push for it. So they'll have dates, which might involve alcohol, they'll have you close to their home.

They'll kind of curate the environment that pushes you towards sex. Similarly, if you want a long-term relationship, you have to kind of curate the environment. So that might mean, like, phone calls, asking for a label, asking, yes, it might push away some guys, but it might just get you your, you might filter out the wrong guys. So it may work. It just depends what you have the energy for. Some people just don't have the energy for it. Some people are really up for the challenge and they'll do it.

And I mean, for the woman listening, I guess take it for what it's worth. But I do feel there is a difference in the man versus woman energy, or really just feminine and masculine, which we all have in differing degrees as energy systems available to us, but the man being more yang and penetrative and seeking and achieving, I feel like on the women's side, it's more yin and receptive and attracting and magnetizing that towards, which are two different energies. So more receiving?

Yeah. Yeah. How do you see polarity and how it can sustain the possibility of like a long-term partnership? Because we all, like I said, obviously have differing degrees of masculine in energy. some women are more inherently masculine, some guys are more inherently feminine. Do you think there needs to be a strong polarity in the differences for that attraction to stay long term? Or do you think it's actually, do you think that it's more harmonious to have similar energy?

And are bringing us closer to the middle of that. I think, look, it is some people, some men are actually drawn to masculine energy in women. They're actually drawn to it. Maybe it's how they're raised. Similarly, some women need that feminine energy in a man because it helps. them feel safer and it helps them feel connected. So it really does depend on the connection you've had. But what I would say is masculinity and femininity, the key with both masculinity and femininity is that you're not faking it. Yeah, I do think the importance is you don't select a partner that requires

you to fake that energy. Choose a partner that's aligned with the energy you bring. So if I had to really pretend to be a lot more feminine in order to attract a partner, it wears off. Eventually it would wear off. Similarly, if I had to pretend to be more masculine, whatever, it would wear off. So it's better to select somebody who is aligned to your levels of exchange between the masculine and feminine than the ones where you have to pretend. So I see, and I feel a bit bad because I, you know, I see a lot of men, especially since the Andrew Tate movement, who are trying so hard to be more masculine. But the problem is, is it's not authentic. It's not coming naturally for you. Maybe you can lean into your male

femininity instead of pushing for the more masculine. Just lean into who you truly are and then select wisely rather than trying to push to what you're not. So I would say that we all know where our balance lies. We all know roughly where we are. Try not to fake it to make it. Instead, just embrace your level and look for a compatibility. What are some of the other like prominent green flex in terms of having a partnership or relationship that lasts and how we position ourselves and when we, you know, start to get into a connection with somebody and like what are some of the other things that you really see have like the, the possibilities to make a relationship thrive long term.

Perspective, I say, is a really important component of a long lasting relationship. And what I mean by that is having a partner who has the ability to view the same scenario from the perspective of their partner. if they can only see the world through their own lens and they are unable and really rigid to see how you might feel in a situation or how this situation might impact you, they will become an impossible partner

to resolve conflict with, they'll become an impossible partner to have a long-lasting relationship with and there'll be no compromise. But if you have a partner that, we all see things naturally from our own ego-centric perspective to begin with, but usually over time they can understand your perspective,

over time they can understand your point of view. What it does is it leads to a balance and compromise. So I think somebody who has an inability to see their partners or people's perspective in general is a real red flag where somebody who can do that quite naturally, it's a huge green flag because it then enables all the other traits that required for a relationship, such as compassion, forgiveness, conflict resolution,

it enables further traits. So really making sure you choose a partner, who is able to see the world through both yours and his perspective. And as a result, they'll also respect you in your absence. If I don't have my partner's perspective, I will go do what I want when he's not around because it's like, I don't care if he's in. But when you have a mentality where I understand this would upset them,

I understand this would be disrespectful, you start to monitor your behavior in a way that would be respectful to them in their absence because you care about their perspective. So I'd say perspective is a really important thing to look for in a partner. I would say that another thing to really bear in mind when you're getting into relationships is just being very aware of your deal breakers. A lot of people will overlook their deal breakers because of the things that they like in the person. They might look a certain way, they might act a certain way.

And as a result, they're overlooking their deal breakers. For whoever you are, let's say your deal breaker is loyalty. Let's say another person's deal breaker is financial, although it's appearance, whatever it is. Whatever your deal breaker is, if you see signs of it appearing in this person, instead of begging for them to change, ask yourself, can I accept this deal breaker? Or if I can't accept this deal breaker, I should reduce my investment. But don't marry or be or invest in somebody that has all the deep breakers and then force them to change it or expect them to change it.

Either manage your expectations or let them go, but don't commit to deal breakers. I think there can often be this romanticization of someone's potential versus accepting and acknowledging what their real patterns are. So in connection and meeting somebody, what do you see is the difference there and how we can not just fall in love with the potential of who somebody can be, which of course is exciting to see what somebody can grow into. Yet at the same time, someone's real patterns that are so ingrained, unless they're devoted to the path of evolution are unlikely to change deeper in partnership. This happens to people who go into denial a lot. There are some people who just naturally go into denial with most things in life. And it might have been a childhood coping strategy. Maybe they had parents that were actually quite not nice people or not a bit abusive.

But because they had to, because they might have had no alternative perspective, they had to believe their parents were perfect and they had to believe their siblings are really good. Even though there might be some objective issues with that parent. So what happens is when they meet somebody that they fall in love with, whatever their version of love means, what part of the love means is ignoring all of their problematic behavior and going straight into denial. And as a result, they will fall into love with their potential. And they'll use the word he's got potential. But really what they're doing is they've created an image of who this person should be or is. And they've attached to that image and they will

deny reality at all cost to maintain that connection. I'll have clients where they've caught the woman cheating red-handed or the man cheating red-handed. And they'll still say things like, oh, but he would never do that. They'll still say she's not like that. They still make excuses. There's no problem with making excuses if that's how you want to live. But then you have to just accept that the behavior that you caught them doing is going to continue. If you're falling in love with potential, what you're really doing is falling in love with your own delusions. And those delusions can exist in anybody. You might as well just choose a new person to experience those delusions with. But falling in love with potential is really, really setting yourself up for failure. It's better to just accept them for who

truly are, rather than going into denial with who they've shown you who they are. It can be a painful realization to see how you've been loving the perception you have of your partner versus actually connecting and loving with who they actually are in their core. Look, here's the thing. It's really soul-destroying when you have this false perception of your partner and you find out they've got a whole secret life behind your back. And you can't believe they've duped you into this. And you can't believe they've hurt you like this. But I would say that when you fall in love with your potential imagination, the person that hurts you doesn't feel much guilt. And the reason why they don't feel much guilt is because they feel like

you didn't take the time to get to know the real me. You didn't fall in love with the real me. You fell in love with your own imagination. And therefore, I don't feel that guilty about hurting you because you think you fell in love with your own imagination. They almost feel like it's okay. They feel guilt-free. So I think it's really important to make sure that whoever you've chosen to fall in love with, you remain curious and you ask the right questions and you make sure that you're falling in love with a true them. If you're not falling in love with a true them, you're falling in love with their mask and they won't feel guilty if they let you down then because you haven't, in their mind, they're going to see it as you haven't taken the time to get to know the real me.

You don't love the real me and therefore I don't feel like I'm truly hurting you because you don't even know who I am. So it creates a power imbalance when you fall in love with your imagination because the person stops feeling guilty for hurting you. Yeah, I really feel like we judge what we truly understand. Like if we understood what somebody's childhood was or past that led them to create the coping mechanisms, behavioral compensations, traumatic patterns that still go on to live in our control us in our day-to-day life, we would have compassion and understand for it. I just feel like we don't often prioritize clarity of mind to really see that and not just our own fantasization of what somebody is or really put them on a pedestal for their, you know, and like

their noble qualities without looking at the very real shadows there and like even acknowledging it because it's you know it's an illusion to also go into partnership thinking you're going to go find somebody who's like healed all their stuff and it's just like this perfect deity that you're going to come into partnership right yeah but at the same time there needs to be a healthy acknowledgement of what those are and and having those conversations earlier on than not if you're yeah absolutely we've got to be realistic people are going to be flawed you just got to pick the person whose flaws you can cope with people are going to be working on on themselves throughout the relationship. Some people might not be working on themselves. You just

pick the person that you can cope with their flaws with. No one's perfect and you're not perfect. You also have to realize that you're going to go into this relationship with some of your own issues and concerns. I think there is an over emphasis sometimes, you know, and I blame myself where it's really talking about healing and you have to be healed and go into a relationship. It's not so much that you have to be healed and perfect. You just have to know the key is not to be perfect. The key is to know that your partner is not responsible for every bad feeling you're having. Sometimes those bad feelings pre-existed before this partner even came into your life. You might be having an overreaction to their behavior simply because they're triggering something in you.

Or you might find yourself forgiving your partner for a lot of abuse because you've been in the habit of that. So it's just understanding that you're, it's not so much that your partner has to be perfect, but just understanding your reactions aren't entirely caused by this relationship. and being aware of when they're triggered by this relationship and when they're triggered by a previous wound. Sometimes it might be the relationship and sometimes it might be a wound. It's just knowing where to place the blame when it occurs.

A huge issue has to be, we're living in an unprecedented individualistic society where we're just trying to, I guess, find a partner that meets her knees, which is obviously important. But I feel like a perspective shift and I love to get your perspective is finding somebody that's worthy

that you can devote your life to increasing their well-being, to find somebody that you actually want to be in partnership with because you love giving to them and helping seeing them flourish and blossom, not just because you feel like it's going to, you know, of course there's a reciprocity, but like finding somebody that you really want to pour yourself into. Yeah, and I think that it stems from the household. I think unfortunately individualism has meant that even in your own households, particularly in London and stuff, they'll have a relationship even with their own children where you might have to pay rent at certain age and you encourage them to be as independent as possible and like we're not going to come and

save you you've got to do it all yourself um the problem is the child learns from a very young age is every man for themselves and as a result it becomes difficult for them to be truly like invested and altruistic in their relationships and give now people can fall into two strategies they either take become excessive takers or excessive givers both are equally toxic so an excessive giver will feel like, you know, you don't even have to earn the amount they give you. They give and they give and they give. The problem with that, particularly with people who are anxious, they give endlessly. The problem with that is unconsciously they create a balance sheet of how much they've done for you. And when you don't reciprocate or when you don't appreciate, they have an overreaction.

But really nobody asked you to give that much. I know that's a harsh reality because our goodness should be rewarded. But sometimes that's coming from a place of need rather than actual genuine alterism. So there's the excessive giver and then there's the excessive taker, somebody who is so comfortable with taking and so frugal with giving. Now, they tend to find each other. These two people tend to find each other as givers naturally attract takers and takers naturally attract because they're a perfect match for their own pathologies. The key is to always, you can't make people give more to you. You know, you can't make that. If I've given, given to you and you're not giving anything back. The worst thing I can do is continue to give as a way of role modeling. The best

thing I can do is reduce my investment till I match you or you just have to match your partner's investment. When you match each other's equal investment, there will be less resentment. But when one person is doing too much, they're going to resent you. One person's taking too much that they're going to disrespect you. So you just have to match each other's investment, I would say. It really feels like there are two sides on the same coin, you know? And I mean, I'd rather be surrounded with a giver all day, same time, they're both trying to fulfill the same need of how they think that they're going to be able to be worthier and love. Yeah, they both have a wound, a deprivation wound. It's just nicer to be around a giver than it is to be around a taker. But takers are never with

two takers. It's an impossibility. Like one is trying to take, the other one's not giving anything. They don't really find each other. So givers and takers tend to surround each other, except in friendships. Friendships, givers tend to stay together and takers tend to stay together. But in romantic relationships, the pathologies tend to align. How do you like to give love in your partnership? I'm an active service kind of person. So I do like to cook and I do like to, you know, massages. And I like to make sure everything's good, almost like a nurse. And then afterwards, I'm like, I'm so tired. No one looks after me. And then I play victim. So I'm like, I'm a giver, but I'm keeping score. So I'm a bitch. So I would say that acts of service come very natural to me.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. And I'm constantly aware. of what this person might need or whatever he needs. But at the same time, I can play martyr. When I'm triggered, I'm like, see, I do so much. So I hold it against in the long run. So that's why it's almost like, you have to take with caution with me because I'm a bitch. How do you like to give? I'm actually the same.

I love acts of service. To me, like, not that words of affirmation aren't beautiful and can be received, but they honestly really don't do a whole lot for me. They do nothing for me. I hate compliments. I hate words. I'm like, shut up. Whereas access, but I don't know how I like to receive, but I know I like to give in that way. I'm also not a big presence person. I don't know what to. I'd rather just do something for you.

But words just don't mean anything to me, only because I am so aware that they can be meaningless. They can, they don't have to be true. Yeah, I mean, I think there's an important distinction here because, you know, there's words that can be empty where somebody has an ulterior motive. for what they're trying to get out of you by saying certain things, which is very fickle. And you can feel that energy where that's coming versus somebody's like real heartfelt reflection of how you've impacted them. Or you know, I've experienced that in past relationships

or even people come out to me about the podcast. And I think it is important to be able to receive those and to be able to acknowledge someone's genuine compassion and appreciation. And for me at the same, like in terms of partnership, there's this real deep, love that is expressed through acts of service that you're showing in your works in the world and how you like you're really spending your life force energy and time into that. So I personally

love doing things that help my partner blossom and feel seen in that way. And you receive how? How do you like to receive? I think I love to receive physical touch and acts of service. You're an action person. Yeah. You're like actions over words. And the thing my problem is I don't appreciate even kind words. I struggle to accept. What's going on there? Sadia, come out. Let me unpack this a little bit. Do you know, I get it. You know, people are so nice online and even when I go somewhere and I'm super, super uncomfortable. And there's a part of me that just goes, and I think what happened is I used to work in a boys school. I used to teach psychology in a boy school. And I was like 21 and they were like 18. And so they would be like, oh, you're so

so I go into the habit of thinking compliments are disgusting because it was coming from these dirty little boys. So I ended up just progress. transforming that to everybody. So now I just hate compliments. And it's a real problem because it means I can't really receive compliments. But it means I pay more attention to behaviours than words. So I do like the fact that somebody can't really ignite much attachment from me from their words. They would have to do it with behaviours. So I kind of like it. But it'd be nice if I could get the joy out of compliments that most people get. Well, I think there's a difference between having healthy self-esteem to where someone's praise or blame really doesn't affect you and how you view your

yourself, which is healthy, you know, online, you're going to get a bunch of amazing comments and a bunch of people who just don't understand you want to project onto you, right? So it's like, you know, it's important to receive constructive criticism and like listen and have the capacity for that. So you could have that. But then there's also like part of us, I feel like oftentimes that just doesn't believe we're worthy of receiving love in that way. Do you feel like primarily is just that conditioning of like those old boys for you that like...

Yeah, I just don't think it's true. I genuinely, for some reason, I just don't. think it's true. And so when someone compliments me a lot, I just assume that they're lying to me. So it actually makes me have a disdain towards them rather than appreciation. I know that sounds so bizarre. But the more they compliment me and I'm like, oh, you're just lying. Isn't that terrible? It's a terrible way to see it. If I was saying what you were saying right now, you put your psychologist head on, how would you diagnose what that is? Like, what would you, what would you say? I would say that you don't believe that you're worthy of those things. So you assume the person is lying

rather than changing your own core belief about yourself. Do you think that's true? No, I think I don't know what I think, but I think what's helping is being online and helping people. It has changed everything. I think on the surface I can admit that, you know, things are nice and things are great. I can admit that. But I think self-esteem and deep down, I don't know how much I can receive it. I can accept that they might mean it, but I'm just not good at receiving it because I don't know. I think I think it's a vacuous thing to complicate.

Maybe because, I don't know, this sounds a bit silly, but a lot of the time on my podcast and stuff, Sometimes people can focus on the aesthetics and they can be like, oh, hair, makeup, good or bad, they can focus on that. Because I don't attach anything to those types of comments, I start to, I just find it a bit empty. And similarly, even with my work where people really enjoy my work and they really like what I'm saying, because to me I'm like, oh, but come on, it's nothing, it's nothing. I just see when I achieve something, it immediately becomes nothing to me. I don't know why. I remember the first time I started Instagram, which is in 2020. or something like that, 2022.

It wasn't that long ago. I remember seeing somebody with 8,000 followers and saying, oh my God, he has 8,000 followers. That's amazing. And then I would get to 800,000. I'd be like, oh, nothing. Yeah, the moment I achieve something, I start to think that achievement is not worthy.

It's so easy, because if I can do it, anyone can do it. I don't know if that's a weird thing, but I just somehow, when I achieve something, that thing loses its credibility. I mean, I think in order for really us to manifest, everything or anything, we kind of have to expect it and know we're capable of it in a way for it to even fully come in in the first place. So we kind of get disenchanted with like the numbers after a certain point. Like a big win and a small win kind of feel the same. Like when you had,

you know, for the followers metric, you know, you had a thousand followers. You might be similar feeling, if not the same to 100,000 followers, right? A win is a win. Yeah. And so do you feel like you source self-esteem at all through career and success of that? Weirdly. Really. really bad and I feel really ungrateful saying this. I'm very proud of myself. I'm very proud about how quickly it's grown. But one thing that I'm most proud of since my growth on social media is how little it's changed me and how little it's affected me. If you see my day-to-day routine, it's exactly the same as before all of this. If you see how I take enjoyment, it's exactly the same. Nothing's changed whatsoever. My close friends and family and my partner

can attest to this that not one part of me has changed in any way. shape of form. Maybe, sometimes they say it's like, because in your head you always thought you're a bit famous and now you're just like, right, now you guys realize. Okay, good. So maybe there's a part of me is like, oh, finally. But generally speaking, it has not changed me in the slightest. It hasn't even changed like where I shop.

Like, you know, little things like that. It hasn't changed anything about me in any way, shape or form. So I think the growth in social media has made me more proud, like more proud, not on the growth on social media. It's made me proud of the person I truly am at home. because that person doesn't get affected by, you know, increase in payment or increase in notoriety. So I'm quite proud of that person that's still at home more than I am proud of the growth on social media. I like that.

I think that's just like integrity. It's like finding the identity that's kind of indivisible, you know. And what I really liked about it is, well, one thing I really like is my friends are so similar. They're so non-materialistic. They're so not fame-hungry. Like so many times I'd be like, oh, should I just post you? like, no, I'm not into that stuff. Or if I say, look, guys, do you want something?

I, you know, I've done really well here. Do you want me to buy it? And I really wish I, but I really don't like stuff. And I'm like, me too, I don't like anything. Like, what do we do? Like, should we do something with it? Like, no, just save it for something. So I like the fact that I've learned that my values are really not attuned to, like,

notoriety, you know, money. It's just not who I am. It's just, I think at a time I thought, oh, that would be really cool. That would be really nice. love to see if I like how many, if I'd collect a bunch of bags. But when I, when I, I remember buying a bag and then I just covered in makeup and lipstick by the end of the night. I was like, oh my God, I'm never spending this much on a bag again. So it's just not my nature to indulge in these kind of things. So I'm quite proud of knowing that because most people might think they've got intrinsic

values, but they've not been tested. So the fact that my extrinsic values have been tested and they don't mean so much to me is quite nice. I quite like that part of my life. What do you think means to know yourself. You know your full potential. You know your capacity to love and be love, but you also know your capacity to hurt others. And you've been mindful of both sides of the coin. I think that second part is really important because you can't really trust somebody if they don't have the awareness of what their ability to fall prey to their own shadow. Yeah. Your ability to hurt. I think it's really difficult when you're doing therapy with somebody and you ask them, where do you go wrong in your relationship? So what did you do wrong? And they're like baffled. Oh, I've never

thought about that. And I just think you don't know yourself until you know your worst qualities and how they could potentially impact others because those are the qualities that you need to work on the most. And if you're ignoring those and highlighting all the things that you love about yourself, you are going to fall into the realm of more narcissism. So try and focus on the things of how you can potentially hurt the people around you. Do you think the most prevalent, effective way to gain awareness as to what those shadows are, are interpersonal dynamics and relationships? Absolutely. Everybody's great when they're home alone by themselves. Everybody is. Especially when people are single. They're like, oh, I don't really have a temper.

Myself, including. I was like, I'm so confident. Nothing's pissing me off. Well, there's nothing happening. Nothing happening. I'm so calm. I'm so confident. And only with my partner, I'm like jealous and and I'm insecure and all these things that I didn't know I had these traits. So I think that your morality and your genuine, like your insecurities are only tested when you're in human dynamics. It doesn't just have to be your partner. Some people, are totally fun, but they might get jealous of their friends or they might get competitive with the people they love. They have the dynamics between people that reveal your true core self.

The dynamics of how we engage in relationships are so much informed by the template that we had when we saw our parents relate, you know, in the early stages of development as a child. I'm just curious, like, so much suffering is in dynamic in relationship with either other people other phenomena on life. It's like how we perceive our relationship to the thing. And so what have you seen as the most effective like healing modalities to actually transform who we are? You know, not just change from one identity to another, but actually transform and heal those coping mechanisms, those attachment styles that keep us stuck in kind of a lower vibration in existence. I know this sounds like a cop-out, but I would honestly say selecting a very good partner is a lifelong

therapy session. It really transforms you. I really see a lot of people who might be anxious and they've got this partner that's abusive, a bit neglectful and everything. And they're like coming to me to heal and I said, I'm so sorry, but you have an hour a week with me. You have 24 7 with your partner who makes you feel unseen. You can soothe yourself, you can try and calm yourself, but I promise you the impact of a loving and consistent partner is something that if I could bottle it and sell it to you, I wish I could. But there's something about having a secure partner, which not many people, not everybody is, but I know it's really hard to find, but a secure partner who is happy to meet your needs is happy to, you know, help you here and you're doing

the same for them. You both have the right intentions. That will act like, you know, that will do more for you than any therapy session. I do agree you can self-soothe in certain ways, self-soothing, but part of self-soothing and part of self-esteem is good selection. So I could, if I have, I'm working on my self-esteem, I'm taking, you know, I'm going to the gym, I'm working out, I'm taking cold plunges, I'm doing all of this thing, I'm making money, I'm doing all of those things, but I'm choosing the wrong partner. Unfortunately, I won't heal the same way. So I do think selection is everything. Now, if you're already in that situation and you have selected a partner that is like this, then the key is still to work on yourself and enhance your self-esteem,

but try and meet those core needs from not just that partner. Try and spread the core needs. If you have a bit of anxiety and your partner's not always available, they're a bit more avoidant. Try and place some of your happiness in your friendships or in your parents or in your children. Try and delegate some of that connection. But human connection and healthy human connection is very, very powerful.

What would you say to support somebody in the process of that realization where maybe they've been in a committed partnership for a long time and they come to realize that I want to be in, or, you know, partnership with somebody who is committed to also that lifelong therapy process, you know, and they want to go on that journey, but they then have to let go who they're with. In the process of separating and breaking up with somebody where oftentimes there's so many familial financial ties, things that just make the whole process much more difficult, the courage and strength to be able to go through with their intuition on that process.

How do you support someone with that? I would just say to them, look, it's very, very difficult to break all those investments. and it's really, really heartbreaking. And it's a very difficult task. But the main thing is your goal in life is not to be with this person. Your goal in life is to have a healthy relationship. If this person is providing you with a healthy relationship, absolutely invest everything, two feet in, jump in,

close all alternatives and do it. But if they're not, then unfortunately you're placing your happiness in a person rather than that goal is to be in a good relationship. If they can't provide you with that, try and let go of the vision, try and have a very clear vision of where you, what kind of relationship you see yourself in. And whilst you have that clear vision, try and be happy for your ex. Try and be like, you know, I know he's not good for me. I know she's not very

good for me. But we're just so not aligned in terms of this area. So therefore, I wish them the best. Try and have no negativity towards people in your past because they would have taught you something. And the worst thing you can do is to say, they did this and they're awful. The better thing to do is I selected them for a particular reason. I must have felt really low. There was something wrong. with me. I chose this person. No one put a gun to my head. And therefore, I'm not going to wish them anything negative. I'm not going to hope for anything. I wish them the absolute best, but I know this is not going to serve me if I want a healthy, happy relationship and try and remove that negativity and replace it with a vision, a clear vision of where you see yourself in the future.

And where you see yourself in the future should involve complete understanding of what caused you, cause this relationship to be so destructive. Do they not reply much? Do they kind of want too much independence? Were they too clingy? Whatever it was, make sure you understand that bully and try and repair before you just dive into a new relationship with somebody who just has one quality, the old one didn't. So don't use another human being as a numbing cream to help you, but try and reflect on their

qualities and really keep that vision in mind. Would you say that the biggest thing to discern whether or not it's worth either investing or leaving as somebody's willingness to go on that journey with you? Yeah, people's willingness to compromise. I think that's the main thing. Look, everybody has problems. I mean, myself, my husband. It's inevitable.

It's inevitable. But the key is when you express a need, is it met with, okay, I'm going to try, or is it met with, why should I? Go fix yourself. Go, you need therapy. If it's met with that hostility, that person's not going to change. They're simply not going to change. And other times it's met with, here's the key.

Some people are really manipulative. They'll say, no, I don't want to change it. But then when you go to leave them, they'll cry and say, I promise I'm going to change. I promise going to say, look at their behavior is not their words. Yeah. So if, for example, I express a need to my partner, forget what he says in response to it. But if I see his behavior's gotten a bit better, I see that he's trying his best. It's not going to be perfect, but he's trying his best. He's worth committing to. But if I see somebody whose behavior has never changed, I always find them doing the same thing and then begging, saying that they're going to change, well, it's their behavior you use as a, indicator of whether or not it's worth staying and fighting for it. Do you think having attraction to other people while you're in partnership is a normal thing and natural thing? I'm curious. Look, I'm a very, I'm a unique individual when it comes to those things because I kind of get blinkers and I forget what attraction actually is. Blinders. Yes, I get blinkers. I really, really have that with my partner. I just have these

blinkers. You mean blinders? Is that what I mean to say? I think so. Yeah, probably. That's what I'm just like. you're turning left or right on your car. Is that an American thing? Okay, maybe that's, I've got it wrong. I've got it wrong. Blinders, that's what it is. So I kind of just don't know.

Like, I personally, I don't have that kind of open attractive attraction. But I'm very aware that most people do. But I also think it's usually more likely to happen when you're not physically attracted to your partner. I think that's where it really stems from. I think when you are genuinely attracted to your partner and you don't feel like you've settled and you don't feel like you've just got, you know, been taking what you're given. I think what happens is there's a natural kind of dim light on everybody else because you're somewhat

content. But when you're not truly attracted to your partner, I think we have a heightened reaction to those around us. I also think it comes from our own insecurity. When you are not used to receiving a lot of attention and praise and you're not used to receiving attention from the opposite gender, you can get very easily attracted to others. You can get super hyper, vigilant to other people and their validation. But when you've gone through life where you receive that all the time, you realize that an attractive person is no more valuable than an unattractive person deep down. It's not really the end of the world if somebody's beautiful. It's not worth jeopardizing your entire life over. So I think it's normal, but I do think you should limit it.

I think the key thing to do when you are attracted or you do meet somebody that you're super attracted to is to limit your interaction. Go police yourself. I know that sounds a little bit like, you know, a bit constrictive, but if you've got an underlying attraction and then you're going to the next steps, it's not going to be healthy for your relationship. The better thing to do is recognize I'm attracted to somebody new. It happens, no worries. But because I'm attracted to somebody new, I'm going to limit my emotional investment with them. I'm going to limit my access to them because I know there's an underlying attraction. What do you think? Do you think it's normal to be attracted to new people. I think there's many different layers of it. There's the physical attraction,

which might fluctuate in a long-term partnership, especially. We're all going to turn into ballbags eventually. Absolutely. I'm already there. It's definitely not true. What I find attractive is, of course, the physical beauty. But even deeper than that is someone's presence, how somebody's values, their creativity, their maternal nature, how loving and kind their heart is. And I think that, in partnership, the physical attraction may fluctuate, but as long as those are there and those are present and hopefully they continue to bloom as somebody grows and mature as an individual, so too, to those qualities of compassion and empathy and perspective and self-awareness, like a lot of those things would grow too. Then it takes the pull, the magnetism, the fantasy of the grass being

greener on the other side that kind of diminishes. And at the same time, I think that there's a natural process, you know, and I know a lot of men struggle with this in this kind of understanding of what it means to really commit to somebody and the investment of building a family and not having sex with someone else for the rest of your life. Yeah, it sounds scary to them. It can, you know, for sure, understandably. But at the same time, you can also like look at attraction or have an appreciation of beauty without obviously one needing to take any action on it.

Yeah. But then two, come into different relationship with how we navigate that, that awakening of like life force energy when we. see something that is beautiful, the natural response of any organism is like a sense of awe, a sense of wanting to be drawn towards it. But I think as we grow mature as individuals, is what we find attractive changes. And to be honest, I could meet somebody who is like a, like a beautiful supermodel externally. And if they're really disconnected from themselves, if they have all these unresolved stuff and shadow material, I just don't find them attractive.

Like, they can be hot, but they're not, they're not beautiful. on that way, you know. And I think what really helps is trying to desexualize the opposite gender. I think it's really important to have friendships, platonic relationships with the opposite gender because it desexualizes them. When the more time you spend with females and males and you realize that they're flawed like everybody else, they're a bit boring like everybody else. People who don't access the opposite gender often in other contexts outside of romantic

relationships tend to sexualize them a bit quicker and easier. So I think de-sexualizing them is really important, humanizing people that you're attracted to as well. Like they get sick and they have a period and they, you know, they wake up messy too. And so when you dehumanize them, you kind of have this elevated idea that they're beautiful all day, every day. So they're worth every risk that you're going to take to access them. But the reality is women are women. They have their same ups and downs as everybody else. So I think really trying to understand that beauty is always going to be a commodity.

always going to be something you're attracted to. But learning how to react to beauty is a really important skill for a man. Don't allow beauty to help you make irrational decisions. Don't allow it to be a form of self-abuse because you allow somebody just because you're attracted to them and treat you badly. Just don't allow it to be the dictator of your decisions. Instead, it should be a natural, nice quality. Of course, I'm not diminishing how important beauty is, but don't let it be the most interesting thing about you and others. In heterosexual relationships, What do you think is one thing that men don't really understand about what women want and need? I think one thing they don't realize is sometimes what they say,

they don't necessarily want as much freedom and acceptance as you give them. And what I mean by this is we will say, if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. And we'll say, you know, you should love me regardless. You should love me unconditionally. What they truly want is somebody who is able to respect themselves. and no winner behavior is unacceptable. What they don't want is a dormant.

They really don't want it. And I work with men all the time. And all the men that I've worked with that have been cheated on or been left have never been the bad guy. It's always been the guy that just tried to happy wife, happy life. The guy that was just like, you know, she would have a lot of tantrums. But, you know, I just used to let her off. And I just used to let her calm down. And she scratched my face a couple of times.

But it's okay. It was an accident. It was funny. They'll say stuff like that. Well, they'll say, you know, I caught her. I don't ever put any boundaries, I don't do anything, I just want her to be happy. I don't think they realize that for women, actually, your boundaries and your self-esteem is a parameter of how much we love you. If you have no boundaries and no self-esteem, we don't

know the map of how to love you. But if you know, this is your willingness to walk away, these are your deal breakers, this is your boundaries, I can somewhat navigate how to love you correctly and then I can navigate my own behavior. Nobody wants to be the way. version of themselves. Nobody wants to be with a partner that they can swear at, kick, do all of the we don't want to be around that person that enables that. We want the person that we know if we even cross that line, he'd be gone. So I think one thing they don't understand is submission to women is not truly what we're looking for. We're trying to understand your level of self-esteem and self-respect. We love your self-esteem. We love your self-respect. Doesn't mean you become hostile and

aggressive and be like, I don't tolerate this. It's just okay. So I love you so much, but this behavior I don't tolerate and this behavior I can't accept. So when you work on this and fix it, perfect, but until that, I can't keep nursing your tantrums or I can't keep accepting your unacceptable behavior. That kind of way of relaying your boundaries without being, like without punishing the woman is very attractive. Yeah. In a way, that's a sign of a man not respecting himself, which is unattractive. If they're going to allow certain behavior that women often sometimes do test the boundaries of.

We all do. And like initially it feels like love. When we are so rude and so disrespectful and so bad and you forgive us, it feels like, oh, he must really love you. Very accepting. But later it feels like he doesn't love himself. Yeah. So it quickly turns to, oh, he must really love me

to, oh, he must not really love himself. And if he doesn't love himself, how can I love him? Do you think there needs to be a true, leader in their relationship and of course they both you know men and women the dynamics might need different aspects within the partnership but in terms of like where we're going do you feel like there needs to be a clear individual there should be a clear leader of course I would say like you know a masculine leader should be there but that leadership should be earned not given simply assigned by gender and what I mean by that is let's say I'm in a relationship with a man and he's I'm the leader

I'm the boss you have to follow me but he's dumb as a door now doesn't know what's going on and he's you know But because he's a man, he thinks he owns it. And a lot of men do this. I'm the man, so you have to listen to me and you have to submit to me. But the submission comes from us seeing that you are a natural leader. And how we know you're a great leader is you make good decisions for you, me and both of us long term. You make good decisions for us. But if you don't, if you're not a good decision maker, if you're not a good problem solver, if you are not, you have no self-control, how can we just trust your leadership? So have that self-control. How have that self-control, how that, you know, a problem-solving mentality. And as a result, we will naturally let you lead.

But just leading because you're the other man won't work. Yeah, it would just make you insufferable. So on that note, then what's one thing that you feel like after working with so many individuals and couples that women really don't understand a man truly desires and needs and partnership? You need sex a lot more than we want and need and care for. Yeah, it's really, really important. I feel like a lot of women might disagree with that and say that sometimes that they're the one. some men, yes, I do agree. I do agree. But even in those cases where they feel like their man doesn't want it as much, he might be turning to pornography. He might be turning, he might be outsourcing it. I would be very mindful of a man that is not giving you the amount of sex.

Like, you would imagine a man to have. Be mindful. I don't mean to put any paranoia in your mind. But having worked with so many men all these years, the primary kind of thing that upset, like their form of appreciation and love, they kind of want. that first, they feel loved through that and then they're a bit more happy to help you, happy to do, a bit more compassionate. It kind of is the route to accessing other kind of good qualities. But if he's not doing that and you have a husband that's a bit asexual either, I know it sounds horrible, but ask yourself, is he still attracted to you? And that's not your fault. Maybe you've changed a lot or maybe you haven't changed and he's just,

but if you haven't changed a lot and he's not doing that, is there any chance he could be outsourcing him? It doesn't mean another woman. It could just be pornography. But is there any chance he's outsourcing it. And if you are a man that's outsourcing it, it's not fair on your partner. It's really not fair on your partner. Another consideration, too, is just the genuine levels of someone's testosterone. As a man, I think somewhere around, like, the average 20-year-old has less testosterone than a man in his 50s.

You know, a few decades. Oh, wow. Just a couple of decades back. Is that what it's gone down to? Yeah, it's horrible. So do you think the younger generation, the men will be less kind of like? I mean, it's a fact that the testosterone. of young males has to go down that much.

Plymitted significantly. So do you think they're more likely to be faithful? I guess I don't know about the correlation in terms of testosterone levels in faithfulness, but I would just say in general, like connection to their primal self, sex drive, ability to put on muscle. A lot of these things that help a man create a healthy self-esteem and identity is more difficult when those, you know, when you have so many toxic chemicals and exposure. Is there something that's causing that decrease in testosterone? From my understanding, it's an amalgamation of many different factors, including the toxic chemicals and heavy metals that were exposed to in our water and our food supply, the nutrition density of our food, the overexposure to blue light and lack of healthy sunlight in the morning throughout the day.

Oh, yeah, it affects testosterone that much? Oh, yeah, huge. Wow. So even keeping your phone in your pocket and stuff like that, can affect? Yeah, especially near, yeah, your ball is for a guy. Oh, goodness. You can really step testosterone. You know, it's just pulling us away from our biological evolution, too.

about like what would like a hunter-gatherer or ancestor kind of live in terms of their connection to nature in terms of their exposure of sunlight all these things i mean that's just going to inform so much so do you think then what i said about men that need that do you think that's not necessarily applicable to the younger generation i think there's an aspect of that too but i just think that it's not just young men but also society at large is like we're we've normalized things that are really toxic and poisonous for our well-being and then we try to figure out all these other remedies that really could be fixed like we were speaking to earlier by some simple, you know, changes that nature would provide and that we've evolved to have. That's tough on, guys, if that's what's

happening. Because it's not a choice. It's like kind of just the way the world's conditioned them. I mean, it's the same thing. Also on a flip side that I feel like it's happening with women and their disconnection to their cycles and like having awareness. Infertilities higher than ever and stuff like that. So, yeah, I guess we're both becoming compatibly incompatible. That's where it's real. Sadly. Yeah. Okay.

So is another thing outside of sex that you feel like there's... Yeah. Appreciation. Yeah. I would say this is a really important traverman. Men want to feel appreciated. I've been a bit jaded and I'm not going to just want sex because I tend to see that side of men. But really...

Do you think you're getting a skewed? A pool of who you're working with? Super skewed. Can you not tell? Super skewed. But I would say even the ones... Wait, just because you're working in Dubai, you feel like you're working with a lot of Yeah, working in Dubai, working with wealthier kind of men and working globally and all this

stuff. And my content appeals to only a certain type of man. Not every man can relate to it. So it gives me a very skewed perception. But what I would say slightly more universal is when men, even when they are outsourcing sexually, I would still say they're outsourcing desire and appreciation. I think they really, really, really require appreciation as almost like a driving force as a motivator to do other things. How they might receive appreciation is different for each guy. Some men might want it verbally. Some might feel appreciated when there's acts of service like food or like, you know, basic kind of what nowadays might be seen as primitive, but it's just, they just feel loved in that way. It's just how they do. Or some might be, feel appreciated by physical touch. But I do think a lack of

appreciation is like a slow suicide for a lot of men. They start to think, why am I doing this? because we as women are very good at creating social connections. So mostly our work or something gets complemented by several people, whether it's our parents, whether it's our friends, whether it's our hairdressers. We receive affirmations quite regularly. Men are quite deprived of that with their friends. It's not really as much with their, you know,

they don't walk down the street and get as much validation. So when they get deprived of that even in their home, they start to lose motivation. So I say appreciation is quite an important trait of women. Would you say there's anything in particular that men, if you would give women advice on, because I don't want to speak on your behalf, but if you were to give women advice about men, what would you say something that they don't always realize? I really agree with that appreciation. I think that for men, I'd love to get your perspective on this, but I do think that women really appreciate like healthy ownership, like from a man that in this boss babe psychology would push against, you know, like, I don't need to be owned by a man. But there's like a healthy level of ownership. Like from a man that in this boss babe psychology would push against, you know, like, I don't need to be owned by a man. but there's like a healthy level of ownership.

They do like it. When there's a devotion, reverence to the feminine, then you want to protect it, you want to take care for it. And there's a great joy in being a provider as a man. Of course, you know, I'm speaking more generally in traditional kind of male, female, you know. And not being exploited, but providing because you're being a provider, not because you're being exploited, yeah.

Yeah, I think men, we just really enjoy being needed and being acknowledged for the fact that we're providing. and the dilution or dissolution of our own like masculine energy as men and then also within women and their own femininity, I think is like decreasing that polarity which causes. But becoming a bit androgynous both men and women. I don't know if that's good or bad. Maybe that's great. But it is like we're skewing, removing feminities from women and masculinity. Compatibly becoming incompatible or whatever you said.

I don't know what's happening to us. It'd be an interesting social experiment when like AI come and all this stuff. So yeah, it's horrible, isn't it? Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. I mean, this is a separate tangent. Yeah.

But I mean, I agree with what you're saying. I think that there's like that level of healthy ownership where a man wants to like when a woman lets a man be a man. Yeah. And appreciates it and rewards it and doesn't try to be a man for him. Yeah, because like I was online the other day and I saw some woman saying, oh my God, she is a male sympathizer. And I thought, what does a male sympathizer mean? It's like having sympathy for men.

Is that a bad thing? And she said it like it's the grossest thing in the world. And I just thought, are we supposed to sympathize with them? Why are we not supposed to sympathize? It's almost like a lack of appreciation for men has become the norm. And it has become the standard and a lack of appreciation of what they go through. Even things like when it comes to cheating, when a male cheats, it's almost straightaway narcissists. He's a narcissist.

But when a woman cheats, there's still a level of empathy women have towards other women when they cheat and be like, yeah, but he wasn't really doing this for you and he wasn't doing that for you. There's so many excuses made in that moment. So I just think that the lack of appreciation has become the cultural norm. And I don't think it's necessarily healthy for their mental health. Yeah, I agree. I think there's so much, like, fatherlessness is a real epidemic. The lack of ritual initiation and like real, like real fatherhood, I think is. And they learn about men through the lens.

of a woman when there's no father. And sometimes the woman, especially if she's been scorned by the father, can have a negative perception so that it creates a disconnection from their own masculinity and a disconnection from other men. They almost feel safer without the other men, but then that chips away at their masculinity again. So it's very difficult for them. It's very difficult. And the cycle continues. And the cycle continues. I'm sorry, that sounds very day, like the world's over. Like you're going to hate your life. It's not like that. I'm just saying worst case scenarios, this can happen. Cool. All right. I'm just curious. Is there anything else you want to share with our audience as to the, you know, important ingredients there?

I would just say, look, just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to do it. You might feel angry. It doesn't mean you have to go and scream and shout. You might feel like sexual and you might want to go try something. Just because you feel it doesn't mean you do it. I think there is a culture of kind of just, you know, give in to your desires. Try and remember your desires are sometimes self-sabotaging. Desires are not indicators of behavior.

They're not directions. They're not instructions. They are just passing emotions. sometimes desires can kind of hijack your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. If you can get a handle of your desires, whether it comes to food, whether exercise, whether it's opposite gender, when it comes to money, if you can handle your desires, you really are like breaking the tie with the devil. It's really going to help you.

But if you succumb to your desires, the moment you experience them, unfortunately you're going to become a prisoner to your lusts and your hedonistic desire. So if you can capture your desire as young and you can really work on minimizing the impact of your desires and your decision making, you'll have a lot more success in your life. Oh, yeah. I think I will just add that there is like an ideal scenario is kind of merging our will or desires with sort of like a desire, the divine desire or divine will where what you wants is what life wants for you and there's like a healthy kind of. It's a healthy balance. You just ask yourself, does this, if giving into this desire is going to lead to any shame, regret, or guilt, the desire is not worth it. But if the desire has no shame, regret, no guilt,

no worries. If you're somebody who works out a lot and you have a desire for kick, and you're not going to experience any shame or guilt because you go to the gym and you work out, no worries. But if it's going to constitute to you, any shame, any guilt, any regret, try and avoid it. I feel like there's just such a big link there between our compulsiveness towards habitually just acting on those desires and unconscious, unconsciousness. Like, they're the same thing to me, compulsiveness, unconscious behavior, you're acting on mechanisms that are happening beneath surface that you're not fully aware of that are controlling your life without your fully conscious choosing.

Yeah. And so the journey is then coming into conscious choice. The voice that's driving you to kind of give into your desires is that voice actually protective of you? Is that voice self-sabotaging? And if it's ever self-sabotaging, just ignore it. I know I make it sound easy because it's very difficult, but try and at least be aware of him. Yeah, for sure.

Awareness has got to be the first step. This has been fun. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate you. Yeah, yeah. It's fun. I love diving into deep dialogue around all this. And so much of our fulfillment, I feel like in life really comes from the relationship that we have with ourselves first and foremost. And so I think a lot of important reflections that we had in this full, this conversation will be helpful for people. God willing. Thank you again for having me. I really appreciate you.

Of course. Is there anywhere where people can find you or you worry about to point people towards? It's the Saudi Psychology on Instagram. But if you just go to Saudi Sociali Psychology, You can see all my services on there where I have a Patreon with exclusive content. I do one-to-ones and there's live events and stuff that you can also attend at any point. Amazing. Last note I'll have just I guess for the audience and everyone who's tuning in is part of the beauty of having humanity is like the differencing perspectives that we all have. Like truth in my eyes feels like the amalgamation of all different possible perspectives and the different facets that we all carry.

And so you with your life experience and degree and, you know, working with some. so many people have a beautiful outlook and perspective on human dynamics, I have a slightly differing one because of my own experience and everybody who's listening and has their own unique kind of perspective that adds to the greater whole. And so as much as I try to have these conversations that can be empowering reflections to support people on their own individual awakening process and then also relating with relationships, it's important I feel like always to just continue to have an open mind when, you know, and And I really appreciate and feel that from you too, that you're willing to have your belief system shift.

Yeah, I enjoy it. Only because, like, I trigger so many people online. I could literally go online and say, water is wet. And they're about, fuck, you. Go die. And I'm like, what is going on? So there's something about me that just triggers the planet in a way that I don't know how or why. But I do think that it probably stems from something in the way that my perspective is not what they used to.

But if you actually listen to it, it's not that extreme. It's just not what they used to. And therefore, if it's triggering you, just take a second to listen to it. Of course, you can by all means abuse me and my mom and my dad. Fine, no worry. But that's not going to achieve your end goal of healing. So try and think, why is it triggering you? If it's not relevant to you, by all means, it doesn't apply to everybody.

But if it is relevant to you and it's causing you some kind of pain, try and work on that pain rather than project it. Yeah. And anything that either of us said in this conversation or say outside of this conversation can immediately be faced with something that is also true in a differing perspective, you know? Or it could be totally false for somebody. It could be totally aware that it could be wrong for somebody. It's just what we've seen.

And this is just our perspective on it. Yeah, beautiful. Everyone, thanks for tuning to this episode of the Know Theyself podcast. Let us know in the comment section below. We pay attention to see how it was uniquely impactful for you. And until next time, be well.