Life Kit - 5 Practices To Become A Better Listener

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

Actively listening is tough, but it can transform your conversations and improve your relationships. Here's some advice.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Hi, I'm Julia Furlan, and this is NPR's Life Kit. And today we're talking about something that genuinely feels mundane, but is actually a much deeper habit. We're talking about listening. And like, hi, maybe right now at this exact moment, you're washing dishes, or you're walking your dog, or mindlessly scrolling the internet. That's okay. A lot of the things that we make as audio professionals presumes that you're going to be sort of half listening. But there's a big difference between hearing something and listening. My partner can tell you that. Tell me what I did the other day that, you know, bothered you a little bit.

So the other night I was in the kitchen kind of thinking about what we were going to have for dinner. And I said to you, hey, how about we have a roast chicken for dinner? What do you feel like for dinner? And you said, mm-hmm, as you were looking at your phone. You know, I'm sorry. I mean, we've all done it. All of you who have ever responded like me with that absent-minded, mm-hmm, this episode is for you. To start off, I want to set us all up for success. So I want you to take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Breathe like you're blowing bubbles, like you've got one of those little plastic bottles and you pull out the wand and you take a deep breath and you let it out slowly and steady. That's Tanya Israel, a professor of psychology and author who not only knows how to breathe, but is an expert on helping people listen so that they can actually hear each other. Her book is called Beyond Your Bubble. And that's the kind of breathing that's going to help to get us into a better emotional place to be able to be present with somebody. Being a good listener involves a lot more than just hanging out while another person is speaking.

When done right, it's an action. Really listening to somebody can create space for empathy and new ideas, and it's empowering for everybody in the conversation. In this episode of Life Kit, we're bringing you the knowledge that will make you a better listener. So just to start off here, we're not telling you to give airtime to just anybody regardless of their intentions. Let's be super clear, we're presuming that you're safe and ready to listen and so is the other person. That's non-negotiable and the basis of real listening. Other basics you probably already know, holding eye contact, maintaining open body language, nodding, using I statements instead of you statements. Great. Now, our first takeaway today might sound basic, but Tanya says it can actually be super hard. And that is

shut up and listen. We need to give people uninterrupted time to speak. And one of the ways to remember this is that if you rearrange the letters of the word listen, it spells silent. So it turns out we can't actually listen to people when we're talking. So uninterrupted time to speak is the first key. It can be hard to quiet your mind and just take in what another person is saying, especially if you disagree with them. But it's super important that as you're giving them a little S-I-L-E-N-T listening, you don't jump in with your own ideas. People often tell me that when they are trying to listen, rather than the argument that they want to make back, the research study that contrasts with what that person's saying, the argument that they think is

going to be persuasive for that person, and they're playing that in their head rather than actually paying attention to the other person. I think're playing that in their head rather than actually paying attention to the other person. I think everybody will recognize this situation where you want to be prepared and reply with that perfect thing or the best idea. So you just start stockpiling your proverbial arguments. The other thing that happens then when you have all that going on in your head is you want to say it. So people will want to interrupt because they think that they have the perfect question or the perfect thing to say that's going to change everything. And the total bummer that I'm going to share is that it won't, that it's not going

to change everything except that it might change things for the worse, because what it's going to do is communicate that you don't actually care very much about what that person's saying. And it's going to make them not want to share more with you. Tanya says that listening is especially difficult when you're in conflict or if it's a difficult conversation. Sure, you might be trying to make a very reasoned point about the minimum wage, but your heart is racing and your pupils are dilating because your fight or flight response is on. Our bodies were built a very long time ago, like back when the threats we were experiencing were things like saber-toothed tigers. And so our bodies respond to all threat as if it's a saber-toothed tiger, even if that threat is actually somebody disagreeing with us in an elevated tone. And so we are still kicking into fight, flight, or freeze response.

And when that happens, you know, our heart's beating faster, we feel flushed, our muscles get tense, and it's very hard to stay present and listen to somebody in that case. So this is where breathing comes in as a tool to help your body let go of the saber-toothed tiger and stay present with your family member's Facebook conspiracy theories or whatever. If your pulse is going faster and you're imagining all of the ways the person is wrong in your head, maybe take a minute and put your hand to going faster and you're imagining all of the ways the person is wrong in your head, maybe take a minute and put your hand to your chest and just breathe. Tanya also raised the idea of intellectual humility and how critical it is to the process of listening. It basically means that just because somebody is sharing a view that you disagree with

doesn't mean that you're wrong. And I think sometimes people are worried that if they actually give airspace to a view that's different from theirs, it's somehow problematic because it's like they are supporting a different view if they just listen to it and if they don't argue back about it. And so if you come from a place of intellectual humility, you're really coming from a place of recognizing that you can still hold your own views and be interested in and respectful of somebody else's. We're going to say here again that you don't have to listen to everybody. There are plenty of people who don't deserve your time. So just for the record,

don't put up with abuse or arguments that actively hurt you. Listening and respect go hand in hand. Takeaway number two today is to take a little piece of what the person has said to you and respond to it. It's called reflective listening. And I'm sure any of you who've been in therapy or mediation know what I'm talking about. Therapy Hive, shout out to you. Reflective listening means that when you're listening to somebody, when you respond, rather than responding with your opinion or something that contrasts with what they've said, or even whether you agree or disagree, you respond by summarizing what they've just said. So they say something and you summarize their perspective or what they've just shared. And ideally, you know, some small piece that

seems meaningful to them. Of course, this doesn't mean parroting back whatever somebody says to you all willy nilly. You're not a robot. But like if your friend is saying, for example, I'm so sick of this pandemic. All I want is to hug my family. You might say, oh, yes, I have also had enough of the pandemic war. It has been so hard. You pull out a little piece of what the person has said and you build on it. Summarizing back what somebody said, first of all, make sure that you pay attention to

what they're saying while they're talking. Second, it helps them to feel like you understand them and that you care what they have to say. And it also makes sure that you actually understood them correctly. Because when you summarize something back, they might say, oh, well, no, that's not exactly what I was thinking. And so then they can correct. This is important because it increases understanding and lets the other person know that you hear them in a real way. The other thing I found personally when I do this is that, especially if it's a tough conversation and I don't really want to listen to the other person,

if I slow down and reflect on what the other person said, I give myself time to think before I say something real stupid, you know? In other words, it makes room for empathy. Our other expert for this episode is India Oaks. She's a lawyer and activist with a lot of knowledge when it comes to showing people how to listen. I might not have known the words human rights or social justice as a young kid, but I always knew we all needed to be respected as human beings and afforded the same rights, regardless of age or background. India is the chair of the organization Communication First. They work with folks across a broad range of disabilities. Whether you were born with it or acquired it,

whether you never can verbally talk or it's just in certain situations where you need alternatives to communicate, or even someone like myself, who was born with an undiagnosed disability that made me unable to speak clearly. Communication first is focused on making sure you do get heard, that you do have equal rights under the law to fully participate in society and be who you are meant to be, whoever that might be. It's important to note here that although India's work involves advocating and fighting for the civil rights of folks who aren't often heard, she does not represent all folks with speech disabilities. India is fully

on board with Tanya's advice about repeating a little bit of what somebody said. Actually, during our interview, I even had this moment where I wanted to make sure I was fully following what India was saying. I just asked you to repeat yourself, which I felt a little bit like, oh, is that okay? And I'm like, oh, we're talking about being better listeners. If it helps me to hear something, then it's important for you to get to be heard, you know? You did exactly one of my tips. Say what you understood and then ask me to respond again. You might feel a little awkward asking somebody to repeat themselves, right? Like, it's as if everybody has to only hear everything once to fully understand it, but the opposite is true. When you ask a person to repeat what

they've said so that you can fully grasp it, you're showing them that you're listening actively. Our third takeaway today is one that I think absolutely everyone struggles with, and that is be patient. Impatience can often lead to interruption, which sends the message that you don't care about what the other person is saying. I just want to highlight here that there's no super special thing that needs to happen to support folks who speak in different ways. It's just basic humanity at work, and I know you can do that. the iPad I am using now, writing, or a picture board, but whatever method it is, it goes back to patience and understanding it might take extra time for the person to respond. I mean, even the notion of extra time is a little vague, right? Because if you actually want to listen to somebody,

it takes however long it takes. Also, India says to remember to let the person that you're speaking to finish answering and don't jump in and finish their sentences. If necessary, ask short questions that require short answers or a nod of the head, but also don't insult intelligence by oversimplifying things and don't pretend to understand. Repeat what you think you understood and allow the person to respond. India told me a story about how sometimes when she calls to order a pizza for her son, they hang up before she can finish her order. If you really want to be a good listener, you have to be willing to slow down and at the very least, let them finish speaking. And sure, there's a huge focus on productivity and speed that can get in the way of slowing down.

But active listening means sharing your time. Don't let our multitasking, hyper-competitive world hustle you out of that. So our fourth takeaway today is something both Tanya and India emphasized in their advice. Listen with intent. If that sounds like being patient and not talking, you know, I hear you. That is correct. But it's also bigger than that. We can hear other people's words all we want. But if we are not absorbing what is being said and just waiting for the person to finish, we are not listening. It's also about understanding when we talk. It's not what we say, but how it is received. So being a good listener is also about thinking how will the person listening to me receive my message, my intent, and if I want to do it the right say, have been in almost total isolation with someone for an entire year.

You know, just an example off the dome. Tanya has a piece of advice for listening with intent that might seem a little counterintuitive. We often rely on questions far too much. So I say, like, don't just, you know just pepper somebody with question after question after question. That actually can feel like an interrogation and doesn't make somebody want to share more. So if you use questions, use them judiciously, reflect back what they said first, and then you can ask a question that's open-ended so that can't just be answered with a yes or a no. Leading with curiosity can really

help with that goal of listening with intent. Tanya has this way of making it seem more like a gentle opening and less like an interrogation that I think is totally brilliant. You can say, oh, I'm really curious about this thing you said. You know, can you say more about that? Or what do you mean by? Or, okay, my very favorite way of asking a question is to just choose a word that somebody said that could have a lot of meaning or that seems to have some energy around it. And you just say that word with an upward intonation. Like the example I use in the book is somebody says, I just feel like the world is so dangerous these days. And you say, dangerous. And because this is 2021 and so much of our lives are lived through our screens, I just want to say that listening with intent extends to Zoom calls or

phone calls. It can be so difficult, even reflexive, when you start scrolling through Instagram while you're on a call or reply to a quick email. If you know you're going to get distracted, set a boundary for yourself. We might need to say, you know, I don't think I can talk for more than 15 minutes without getting a little tired on Zoom right now. So let's have a good conversation now and then let's pause and let's come back later and have some more conversations. So I think just being aware of what's going on for ourselves and, again, sharing that and negotiating that with other people is helpful. Our final takeaway this episode is one I think about a lot, and it's that listening is an act of power. There's a power dynamic at play in every conversation, and it won't always be even. If you have more power, and that could mean money-wise, or you're an older sibling,

or you're just more used to being heard, it's on you to listen extra hard, because that careful listening can balance things out. I actually stole this concept from my friend, brilliant reporter and producer, Sonia Dirks, who has a piece all about it. We'll link to it in the show notes. In the piece, she asks the question I want to use to close this episode. She writes, how do we listen beyond the narrative that locks people in? When we listen to somebody, I think we have to listen beyond what our own notions of what they're going to say might be. We have to try and listen louder than our own thoughts and listen beyond the lines of our own privilege. I asked India about this relationship between power and listening. That answer can go many ways, but at the core, it's about making sure the other person is able to speak in the first place or how can you listen.

It's about inviting people like myself on these shows to see everyone has a voice or picking me to go speak at the United Nations. Doing that careful work of actively listening to somebody and seeing them for who they really are can make it possible to radically redistribute power. Before we go, India wanted to cite another guy who I think is really on the same train of thought here. Can I throw in one final quote about listening, which I think your audience will quickly know who it is from. Of course. Close your mouth and open your ears.

You must then hear what your true heart is seeking. You will. That is a banger. Thanks to Tanya, India, and of course, Yoda. So my little life cats, as we often do when we're reaching the end of an episode, here is a handy little recap of all of today's takeaways. Takeaway number one, shut up and listen. So the first thing to know is giving them uninterrupted time

and summarizing back what they said are actually helpful ways of encouraging elaboration. Because it says, I'm listening. I want to know. I'm not going to interrupt you. Takeaway number two, summarize and build. Take a little bit of what they said, repeat it back, and then build on it. Takeaway number three, be patient. We can hear other people's words all we want, but if we are not absorbing what is being said and just waiting for the person to finish, we are not absorbing what is being said and just waiting for the person to finish,

we are not listening. Takeaway number four, listen with intent. Focus on what the person is saying and lead with curiosity. Takeaway number five, listening is an act of power. Don't let your assumptions about somebody get in the way of real listening. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got an episode about how to give advice, another on conflict resolution, and lots more covering everything from parenting

to finance to mental health. There's so much there. You can find those at npr.org slash Life Kit. Also, Life Kit is here to help get you organized with our new Life Kit productivity planner. If you love Life Kit, and I know you do, and you're feeling inspired to get moving on your goals, this daily planner is just the thing for you. Find it now at shop.npr.org. And as always, here's a completely random tip. My name is Santana Grohler.

So a known hack that I have is anytime I get the hiccups, I always eat a spoonful of peanut butter. And I learned that from one of my teachers, actually. And it did work, proven by myself. I had really bad hiccups the other day, and it was perfect. Thank you. If you've got a good tip, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us a voice memo at lifekit at npr.org. This episode was produced by Andy Tagle. Megan Cain is the editor and managing producer.

Beth Donovan is the senior editor. Our digital editors are Beck Harlan and Claire Lombardo. And our editorial assistant is Claire Marie Schneider. I'm Julia Ferlan. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening. Right? Right?