Life Kit - Checking In On Your Aging Loved Ones

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

The coronavirus makes things a lot lonelier, especially if you're older and separated from family and friends. In this episode, NPR's Denise Guerra talks with science editor Malaka Gharib about how to check in on older friends and relatives to make sure they're doing alright.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Hey, Malika! Hi, Denise! These are crazy times. Are you working from home? Yep, working from home. I got to bring my office chair with me, so that's been wonderful. It's been quite a lonely time here. I don't know about you. Absolutely. I totally miss my family. I finally just broke and flew home to California this weekend. Ooh. I was like, I just need to see these people,

see how they're doing for myself. Okay, I'm jealous, first of all. But I agree, you know, like with us stuck at home, I think about my parents in California too. You know, I'm in D.C. and they're about 3,000 miles away. They're hitting their 80s and they have pre-existing conditions. And so when I call them, I'm always telling them how worried I am, but they shoo it away. Like, we're fine. Stop worrying

about us. Same. I mean, like, I really worry about my grandma who's in her early 90s. She's sort of been living separately from the rest of the family throughout the pandemic, and it's been super isolating for her. She tells me that she's lonely. And that's kind of why I wanted to do some reporting around this, to find out ways that I could help her. This is NPR's Life Kit. In this episode, we'll be talking about how to care for the older people in our lives, especially during the age of COVID-19. How to make sure they're feeling cared for and supported during a time that's challenging for all of us.

I'm Denise Guerra. I'm a producer at NPR. And I'm Malika Garib. I'm an editor here on the Science Desk. Let's start with who exactly we're talking about here. We know grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, neighbors, just anyone in your life who's older and you're just kind of worried about. It might be like a cousin who's in a nursing home or an older parent living with your sister, anyone. I want to learn from you how to start this conversation with, you know, say my parents in California or, you know, someone's older relatives. What is the best way to make sure that they're doing OK in this pandemic? That was the exact question that I had, too. I spoke to Betty Ann Moskowitz, the author of Finishing Up on Aging and Ageism, to get her advice.

And she's 80 years old. And she says the first thing we need to do is to simply ask them, are you okay? Do you need anything? And I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but she says that younger people in our society tend to discredit the thoughts, feelings, and ideas of older people. We think about older people in a particular way and that is that all older people are in some way needy, unable, you name it. So although it sounds like a really obvious thing to do

just ask them, how are you doing? And when they answer, believe them. Well that's the hard part. I feel like my parents don't want to burden me with their health issues. For example, my mom she said she's taking her diabetes medications and she's wearing a mask and she's keeping safe. You know, she insists she's fine, but how do I really know if that's true when I'm not there? That's a really tricky thing. I usually get the same kind of answer when I ask my Filipino grandma, Nanay, which is Tagalog for mother, about how she's doing. She's always like, I'm fine, I'm okay. But I wasn't satisfied with that answer because I know in the pandemic,

she's going through a really tough time. So she had to move out of my aunt's house where she was living because my aunt was leading her hospital's COVID response. We didn't want to get Nanay sick, so our family moved her to my uncle's house. My aunt actually did get COVID, so we're super grateful that Nanay

wasn't living with her. Wow. But it's challenging for her living away from home, you know? That's why when I was checking on her, I did genuinely want to know how she was doing, and I didn't want some BS answer. The experts who I spoke to said to really listen. Alicia Del Prado is a Filipino American psychologist, and she says, In the busy world that we live in, even in the pandemic, sometimes we can rush through conversations and we can rush through how we spend time with older people in our lives. Sometimes I think we're guilty of it being a checklist,

like, okay, checked on mom, done. Checked on grandpa, done. So basically when you ask, how are you, don't think of that question as a formality. Really pay attention to their answer and dig a little deeper if you're not getting the answer that you want. That means that I'm going to have to really need to work on my approach. Yeah, it's kind of like being a journalist. You keep having to dig and dig and dig for the answer, but I promise that'll pay off.

I actually tried this on Nane a few months ago and asked her how she was doing. At first she said my uncle was treating her like a princess, which I was super relieved about. But then I kind of just stayed silent and waited to see what else she might have to say. Kind of like how we're taught in journalism. That silence, right? Yeah, giving the subject room to speak. And I was really shocked when she said this. You know, Malaka, to tell you the truth, sometimes I cry alone.

Because I long for my room. I long for my flowers. I long for the surrounding. Oh, Nanay. I know it really, really broke my heart. But honestly, I was so grateful that she said something because now I know how she's feeling and we can open up new conversations about how she can get what she needs. Okay, so you have the fact-finding mission, and once you figure out what's going on, what do you do then? This is the part that I love from the experts. Ask them how to fix it. Here's Moskowitz with her advice on what we can say to older people. I know you're not happy here, and I get it.

What could you do to make it better for you? The only person who's going to be able to take back power is the old person herself. But the way you can help is to suggest that if she wants to make life better, she better get cracking. She better get cracking, man. Mm-hmm. So I asked Nanai what she wanted, and she was like, honestly, if I could have some word search puzzles and some Netflix recommendations or some K-dramas I could watch, I'd be good. So I ordered her some crossword puzzles online.

They arrived to the house the next day. I visited her in California in October, and she did like half of them already. So now I got to send her a new book. She also took matters in her own hands too. When she realized in the middle of the summer that the pandemic was going to stick around for a while, she sprung into action. She asked my uncle to go to the store and buy her some flowers. Nanai had decided to grow herself a new garden because she realized that she wouldn't be going home anytime soon. I'm so glad that your grandma was able to help herself. But look, real talk. What happens when we ask these questions to

an older person and they're not telling us the whole story? How do we know that they're doing okay if that's the case? Yeah, that's what I wanted to know too. Like what if my uncle wasn't treating Nana like a quote-unquote princess and was doing stuff that she was too afraid to tell me about? What if things were not okay? So the experts told me that there are some other telltale signs we can look out for. Sylvia Perel-Levin is with the International Network for the Prevention of Elder Abuse at the UN. She says to keep your eyes and ears open. Is your grandmother eating?

Is she eating, you know, nutritious food or not? You know, and other than a change in diet, the psychologist Alicia Del Prado says to make sure your loved one has their basics covered. Check their hygiene. Are they taking baths regularly?

Are they getting dressed for the day? Are they getting too much sleep? Too little? If they were a spiritual person, are they continuing to pray or have they stopped? If not, these can be signs of depression, isolation, or neglect, either from the older person themselves or the caregiver. And that's a moment where you should intervene in the situation.

So not only are you a journalist, you're kind of like a detective, too. Yeah, but how am I supposed to see those signs if I'm not there? No one's visiting anyone right now, especially older people. Yeah, I think what the experts are trying to say is that these are pointers for how we can get our older loved ones to reveal what's actually going on. So on the phone or FaceTime, you can ask, what did you eat for lunch today? Oh, you haven't had lunch? Why not? Is there anything in the fridge? Yeah. Or, you know, when was the last time you took a bath? Oh, it's been a while? What's been going on? You don't feel like it?

Why? It's interesting because I admit I never really asked those questions. And, you know, knowing my mom, I think she might still not answer. And I'm thinking like in the spirit of journalism, you might as well ask people around her, like neighbors or maybe my dad who lives with her. Yeah, that's a really good idea. So these are a lot of questions to ask my parents. And I definitely know they're going to say, Denise, stop worrying about us. They've said it before. But it's weird because it's like I'm parenting them and the dynamics of our relationships have changed. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

But I guess that's what you have to do as an adult. Yeah. I mean, I think the most important thing that I learned from the experts is respect. That we have to respect the wishes and wants and needs of the older people in our lives. I mean, for your parents, they may truly be okay. You know? Yeah. I mean, it's interesting that you use the word parenting because that's exactly what

the experts were cautioning against, that we are assuming we know what's best for them and that the older people are incapable of making decisions for themselves. So we can't and shouldn't assume that we know what's best for them. Being old doesn't mean that you're any of those things that people think you are. You're who you always were. Our parents, our grandparents, they're always who they were. And that's really crucial for all of us to remember as we speak to our older loved ones. So what I'm getting at is it's not about us.

You know, it's not about our feelings. It's really about them. They're people and they can make good choices for themselves. So are there other ways to show my older loved ones that I care? Well, I actually opened this up to NPR readers and asked them to submit some ideas and they had some really good ones and some of them made me cry. One older person said to stop thinking of us as a problem that needs to be solved. I love that. It's such a good reminder. Yeah, it is. And other ideas I loved, send a weekly

postcard. So I started sending my grandma random postcards with like a few life updates, you know, went to walk the dog this week, had soup for dinner, just really everyday mundane stuff about my life, because that's how life is for the most part. Another idea was to organize virtual hangs, like sit around with FaceTime on while you're eating dinner or just watching TV. It's just nice to have another human there. And gosh, I know I need that myself. So, okay, I think I might be ready to call my parents and really get to know if they're really okay.

Yeah, let me know how it goes. I will, I will. So let's recap your advice, Malika. First, ask them about how they're doing and really listen. Yep. And if you don't get clear answers, dig deeper for info you need. Be a journalist. Yep.

Have them come up with solutions and follow their lead. Remember, it's about them. And if it means just sending them a crossword puzzle book, do it. Or a postcard. Yep. The next is to look for signs of neglect. Like, are they eating? Are they sleeping?

Are the basic needs being covered? Yep. And don't assume you know what's best. Older people aren't a problem to solve. I'm snapping. I'm snapping. I'm snapping. That was Malika Garib, editor at NPR Science Desk. Say hi to Nanay for me. I will. And for more NPR Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got a deep dive into how to be

a better caregiver to your loved ones. If you're listening to this episode because you are a caregiver, that episode might be another one for you. You can find it at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love life kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. Finally, if you got a good tip, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us a voice memo at LifeKit at NPR.org. This episode was produced by Claire Lombardo.

Megan Cain is the managing producer. Beth Donovan is the senior editor. Our digital editors are Beck Harlan and Claire Lombardo. Our editorial assistant is Claire Schneider. I'm Denise Guerra. Thanks for listening. The election is over, but with Republicans questioning the results and control of the Senate still up in the air, so much of the political world is yet to be settled. Keep up with the latest every day

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