Life Kit - Dear Life Kit: Your most petty social dilemmas, answered

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Lunch snubs, bad neighbors and needy in-laws. Advice columnist R. Eric Thomas responds to the bad behavior getting under your skin.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. There are things that happen in everyday life that can just get under your skin, right? Like you're driving and all of a sudden somebody lays on the horn and then speeds past you, giving you the finger. You really don't think you did anything to deserve that.

Or somebody makes an underhanded, passive-aggressive comment towards you. These moments might feel small or petty, but they stick with us. The things that we see as petty, they can hit us in the heart in a way that feels very real. That's writer R. Eric Thomas. He wears a lot of hats, among them novelist, culture critic, former Slate advice columnist, and longtime host of The Moth in Philadelphia. Now, it's easy to internalize these moments and just stew about them for days or weeks, and he gets that. I'm a grudge tender, but I've learned through years of therapy that if you can

confidently say to someone else, hey, I actually have this thought or this problem, and not feel petty or embarrassed about it, then maybe it's something you need to say. Otherwise, it's sort of like, maybe I just need to let it go. On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the series from reporter Andy Tagle, Andy presents our Eric with several listener questions about their, yeah, petty problems, and he gives advice on how they can move forward. We have been lovingly calling this episode our Petty Problems Roundup

because we're talking about, you know, seemingly small slights that have big emotional impact. And I would love to know, is this a thing that you can relate to? Oh, my gosh. Every problem I have is a petty problem. I mean, which is, it is one of my true delights just to sort of be able to stew in the littlest things, the weird things that a neighbor does or the way that a friend will text at a random time but never, you know, but never respond when I write back. Um, yeah, I think, I think sometimes petty problems can, um, connect to larger issues, but sometimes it's like

life is a delightful, but also deeply annoying experience. So I don't know. I get a lot of joy out of being petty. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. All right. We ready for these questions? Yeah, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, I recently passed the bar exam, and now I'm a baby attorney working at a median-sized law firm. There are four legal assistants here who help all the lawyers with their filings, their communications, things like that. One of the other lawyers is this guy a few years older than me, who we'll call Brandon. Well, the other day, I saw him ask one of the assistants to pick up his lunch and bring it back to the office. Naturally, I assumed this was a service for all the attorneys,

and the next day, I asked if she could grab mine, too. She said, they only get lunch for Brandon. Is this because I'm the new attorney? Is it laziness? Sexism? I don't know what's going on here, but I'm taking it really personally. Signed, Lonely Lunch. Eric, okay. My first thought was maybe these two are dating.

Did you pick up on that too? Yeah. I think there is a big question mark around what the pre-existing relationship here is between the assistant and Brandon. The word naturally in this question is doing a lot of work. Like naturally, I assumed this assistant gets lunch for everybody. I don't think that's a natural assumption. That is not part of a legal assistant's purview. I say this as a former legal assistant. I never got anybody lunch. But I did have different relationships with different attorneys in the firm. And some were very friendly. and, you know, I would even say friends.

And some, it was simply a professional relationship. So I don't know what relationship Brandon and the assistant have with each other, but there's clearly other factors at play. Maybe they're dating. Maybe they're secretly married. Who knows what's going on here? And that's the point. Like, the attorney, I think, probably should mind their own business a little bit, I have to say.

Ah, okay. I don't know. Do you disagree? I kind of saw it the other way. I kind of saw them as like the mean girls table, you know? Yeah, yeah. We've all walked into a room before and felt like everybody was talking about us or judging us, especially if you're like the new kid in school. It just doesn't, you know, it doesn't feel good to be excluded and it doesn't make for a great work environment, to say the least.

No, I mean, I understand the loneliness. And I think the name really tells me a lot, that this person wants to make connections at an office. And so I think, you know, trying your best not to take it personally, I think, is a really useful thing. And then sort of just imagining the most benign solution or the most benign explanation. And then going from there, I think would probably be the healthiest. Hmm. I really like that. Question number two.

Here we go. Dear Life Kit, my neighbor cut down my tiny trees. They were planted by the city and we loved them. And one day they were just gone. We looked through our camera recordings and found out our neighbor did it. They were so small and not in anyone's way. and one day they were just gone. We looked through our camera recordings and found out our neighbor did it. They were so small and not in anyone's way. I have no idea how to deal with this situation,

but now all I want is revenge. Signed, Heartbroken Treehugger. This one makes my blood boil. We found this question months ago and it's still on my brain, so I can't imagine how tree hugger must feel well this set me back in my chair because well one something like this happened to my neighbor um and we like you're kidding we know it's truly right outside my house I come I hear a chainsaw I'm on a zoom every you know we're all on zooms in our houses I come outside a little bit later

check the mail and he's like do you know what happened to my tree? And I look and the tree was gone. And he's on the phone. He's trying to figure it out. And it was so interesting and wild to me that I actually plotted out and started writing a novel where this is the inciting incident. Somebody cuts down a tree. Oh my gosh. I would read that immediately. Yeah. Coming soon. So like, I've thought about this a lot from so many different angles. And what I think makes it a good novel and a bad thing in reality is that it is so villainous and so unprompted that it's almost one of those things where you're like, what can you even do to a person who would, who would do this? You know, I advise no compassion for this neighbor. Like,

why would you cut down their trees? I don't know. Would you confront the neighbor? In this case, we know who it is. Do you confront the neighbor? Is it worth it? Okay. So that's a great question. Other way it's phrased, because I would confront the neighbor and no, I do not think it's worth it. And yet I would do it anyway. But I would advise, because it's one of those things, stew or say something. And I think the stewing is going to be, there is a rupture in the neighborhood. You can see the stumps on the land. And so it's going to always bother this person, this letter writer.

So I think that they should, with a friend or a spouse or whatever, go up to the neighbor and say, what was the reason behind this? And maybe they have a reason. Maybe it breaks some sort of city ordinance. Maybe they are just grumpy. Maybe they thought it was their tree. Who knows? I don't think that this is going to resolve into a beautiful understanding, but at least getting a sense of what the reason was will, I think, help the letter writer get a little bit of closure, maybe. You know, the hardest part about the scenario for me is the possibility of not knowing the why

or just not understanding. And sometimes that's just how life is. We just don't get the explanations that we want or very much deserve. General thoughts, feelings, final advice on how we can cope when there is a lack of closure, a lack of understanding. Yeah, I think that's one of the hardest parts of life is the small infractions and the large ruptures where you don't have any closure.

And I think one of the things I always try and do for myself in these situations is ask myself, like, what do I need from this situation to get to where I need to be? What gets me to the person that I want to be on the other side, someone who is at peace? So I think for this letter writer, and for anyone who isn't able to get closure, I'm sort of just turning it back on themselves and saying, okay, well, this is something that is hard for me to work through. What do I need to get me to that place? And I think it's not always I need the truth. It's sometimes it's I need to plant another tree or I need to talk about it with somebody else and form a little coalition. Or I just need to, I need to let it go and focus

on the things that bring me joy as opposed to this one thing that this person did that was specifically targeted to make me sad. Okay, are we ready for our final question? Let's do it, yeah. Dear Life Kit, We drive eight hours round trip to see my in-laws. And when we get there for dinner, my mother-in-law wants to know why we didn't bring anything.

I feel petty, but I'm resentful that we spend so much on gas and drive so far. And on top of that, we're expected to bring an item they could easily get on their weekly shopping trip. I realized that etiquette says to bring something to a dinner party, but I always thought that was for across town, not when someone is traveling, particularly to visit immediate family. Signed, tough takeout. So Eric, before we get into this specific question, I, too, was taught never to show up to someone's house empty-handed. But that's never really applied to my parents' house, to my immediate family. Is that a thing?

I don't think so. It's interesting. You know, like, okay, so when I show up to my parents' house for, even for, like, dinner, I might say, like, oh, can I bring anything? But, you know, they live in a different state. And they're always like no but when I show up to my brother and sister-in-law's houses um I do typically bring a little something um but I again it is more it always feels whether it's friends or family it feels more like a a gesture than an actual um necessity a necessity yeah exactly and the thing is, whenever I host dinner parties, people are always like, oh, can I bring something?

And I say no, because I don't want them to feel put out. And then they bring the weirdest bottle of red wine that they have in their house. And then you're like, no, I gotta look at your weird bottle. And I don't want to look at your weird bottle. I don't want to drink your weird bottle. Leave me alone. So like, it is,

I am also on the side of don't bring anything. Leave me alone. So like it is, I am also on the side of don't bring anything. Leave me alone. So despite general etiquette, these in-laws clearly have expectations. And in my opinion, they feel a little high, but there could be something tough takeout is missing. You know, there might be cultural differences perhaps. Yeah. Should tough takeout say something? Is it on them? I think tough takeout should probably, because, because the in-laws have made the point of expressing their displeasure, asking one more question. Like, can you just tell me a little bit more about what you want me to bring? I mean, it might be a little frustrating for the in-laws, but I think it'll also be illuminating. So if they're like, we want to feel like there are many hands that make this meal, there might be another way of getting to that result without tough takeout being put out or feeling put upon.

Right. Yeah, absolutely. I'm also wondering what the spouse's role is here. I think maybe that's the first line of defense. Is it really on the person to speak with their mother-in-law? Should it maybe be spouse being like, hey, mom, you're being a little unreasonable. Yeah, and this comes up a lot on Dear Life, Kid. in-law should maybe be spouse being like, hey, mom, you're being a little unreasonable. Yeah. And this comes up a lot on Dear Life Kit. I feel like it's, you know, these in-law issues that where ultimately it's like your spouse

has to be your advocate with their parents because they understand them. They know how to push each other's buttons because the parents installed the buttons. And so talking to the spouse first and saying, hey, this is a weird conflict I'm having with your parents. Can you straighten this out and let me know what we need to pick up? You know, that'd be great. Love it. Eric, that brings us to the end of our Petty Problems Roundup.

None of these have been life or death situations, but for one reason or another, they really stick to us. Do you have any last advice for dealing with those small but impactful slights? What I've heard in each of these questions is a deeper emotional hurt that isn't petty. And I think that the things that we see as petty, they may be minor infractions, they may be minor social mistakes, but they can hit us in a way. They get between the ribcage and hit us in the heart in a way that feels very real. So one person is lonely at the office. Another person is feeling outside of their family unit. These are things that I think can have bigger impacts. So I think it's important to recognize the truth

of our own emotions while also one of the things I say all the time if I'm in a sort of disagreement is like this is so silly but I do feel this way. And it's like just being able to recognize this is what's happening on the outside but also being able to verbalize

this is what's happening on the inside and they don't necessarily have to connect but they both do need to be addressed and recognized. I think it's a great first step. Before I let you go, we end every show by asking our experts for the best piece of advice they've ever received. I would love to hear what yours is. Listen more to the good news than to the bad news.

And I don't mean that like on Twitter or on CNN or whatever, but like information that we receive about ourselves, the bad feedback that we get can stick in our brains and the good feedback kind of washes over us, at least for me. And so I'm trying to listen more to the good news than to the bad news. How lovely.

That was reporter Andy Tegel. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on common financial mistakes to avoid and another on the many myths about how to get good sleep. You can find those at npr.org slash Life Kit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org. Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org.

This episode of LifeKit was reported by Andy Tegel and produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gribb. Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from David Greenberg. I'm Mariel Seguera.

Thanks for listening.