Life Kit - Dear LK: My boyfriend's parents pay for everything. It makes me uncomfortable

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

She loves her boyfriend's parents, but their generosity feels inappropriate. Maya Lau, host of the podcast Other People's Pockets, weighs in on how to move forward.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Today on the show, whenever my boyfriend's parents are around, they pay for everything. I probably shouldn't complain, but it's just too much. Dear Life Kit. Dear Life Kit. Dear Life Kit. Dear Life Kit, I have a question for you. This is Dear Life Kit from NPR. How can I become a better caretaker?

How do I deal with my parents' unrealistic expectations? And we're getting personal. I'm catching feelings for someone, but they're married. I'm your host, Andi Tegel. Every episode, we answer one of your most pressing and intimate anonymous questions with expert advice. I definitely reading this letter felt like, oh, I kind of know what that feels like.

That's today's expert, Maya Lau. Maya is the creator, host, I kind of know what that feels like. That's today's expert, Maya Lau. Maya is the creator, host, and executive producer of Other People's Pockets, a podcast asking people from all walks of life to get radically transparent about their personal finances. So it's safe to say Maya is not afraid to dig deep for today's question about the limits of accepting generosity. Okay, so today's question involves other people's parents footing the bill, as you know. I know you talk about money all day long, and you're all about radical transparency. So I'm curious, is there any shade of money talk, money conversation that still makes you squirm? Yeah, when I ask for a raise or redo like my rate that I'm charging someone or anything like that. Like,

that is something that I have so many different feelings about. And there's like caveats. And I was actually just talking to somebody about this yesterday. And they were like, wait a second, about money and like, you're so comfortable talking about money and I was like yeah but like when it's my money and it's my worth it's like wait you know back you know I have all the same things everyone else does so yeah I definitely have a lot of limiting beliefs that stand in the way of me getting what I want yeah and I'm excited to get into it. Are you ready for your question? Yeah, totally. Okay, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, let me start off by saying that I love my boyfriend's parents. They're the kind of people you meet and think, there's no way they're like this all the time. Except they are. They actually wake up every day at 4.30 a.m. so they can spend time together drinking coffee and gardening before they leave for work they're kind passionate generous people and they've treated me like family

since day one i know many people will think it's ridiculous to have any complaints about my situation but here it is they're way too nice we live in different states and when they come to visit they stay for a week or two at a time, and they pay for everything. Literally everything. Anything we do, anywhere we go, anything I even think about buying, they somehow sense it and beat me to it. They once found my shopping list while I was out, and they did my shopping for me. They picked up everything, from the groceries right down to the very personal, I would have really preferred they left alone. I'm deeply uncomfortable with it, but I have no idea how to politely say,

I'm a real adult with a real adult job, and I would like to buy my own sandwich at lunch today. My boyfriend fundamentally doesn't understand where I'm coming from, so there isn't any help there. He says things like, your parents buy us stuff too. Sure, they send gifts on holidays, they might pick up the tab at dinner. But this feels very different. So my question is, am I crazy to complain? And if not, what can I do? Signed, no more free lunch. Okay, Maya, I want to answer that last question first because I can immediately hear the groans of listeners.

You know, poor you. People in your life want to buy you everything. What a pain, what a sad story. And I agree that this person has a very good problem here. So right off the bat, do you think our friend free lunch is allowed or, you know, justified in complaining? Yeah, totally. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this. First of all, I have questions, which I know that I will not get the answer to these, but I want to say them as maybe a way to respond to this person to maybe think through some of them and that might help them a little bit. kind of class difference between you and your boyfriend's parents or your boyfriend's family? Is there a feeling of difference, of feeling uncomfortable, of proving something? And also, is there a cultural difference? Are they from a different country than you are or just a different culture? I also want to know, how long have you been dating your boyfriend? Important question, yes. You mentioned your own parents and they pick up the tab at dinner, which somehow makes me think they're not long distance, like that you see them more often.

And that will tie into something else I have to say about the long distance, like they come in from out of state and stay with you for two weeks, which in my book is a really long period of time to have house guests. I don't know how much space they have, if it really feels like there's enough space for everyone. So there might be an element of like the parents are like, look, we're saving all this money on a hotel. Right, like compensation and the imposition. Yeah, like the least we can do is pay for everything because all of that is still less than what we'd have to pay for on lodging. And maybe they don't want to be a burden and they feel like, oh, we're with you for one or two weeks. It's like kind of a lot. So we just want to be like totally out of your hair and like we've covered everything. Like there might be some of that going on there?

Let's talk about his role in all of this He might not fully understand the point of view But does that mean it's not his problem? Yeah, I did think it was really weird That the boyfriend's like, whatever Your parents buy us dinner sometimes too Yeah, maybe the boyfriend's used to it He just doesn't see it the same way

But I think that, yeah, it's odd and it's a totally different relationship to him. Now, Maya, as someone who has uncomfortable money conversations all the time, what if possible conversation with the boyfriend also present and on having gotten on the same page ahead of time or maybe it is just a conversation you have with your boyfriend and then you ask your boyfriend to have this conversation with his parents um i would come at it from the stance not of i am aggrieved and offended and infantilized, like, please stop. But more like, oh my gosh, you guys are so generous. You know, I love spending time with you. And, you know, it's really great to see you. But I want to just say, like, maybe there are certain things that we can agree on ahead of time. That, you know, if you want to cover them, you can. But beyond that, you know, we're good. Like, you really don't have to cover it. I also want to let

you know, if this is really how this person feels, I just want to let you know that when you come to stay here, you are welcome here. And it is not a burden for us to have you for two weeks. I just want to say that in case, like, you know, because that might just be something we're thinking about. I wouldn't necessarily bring up like, you found this note and you bought all these personal things and it was really offended. Like, I would just try to make it like it makes me feel more comfortable. And like there's less of an imbalance if we agree on some of these things ahead of time um i that that's what i would do and hopefully they are you know if if they're generous hopefully they're also good listeners right yeah yeah like they're not gonna be like

it comes from a good place right so i think it comes from a good place. I think it might come from a little bit of they either feel like a burden or they kind of get off on would like to buy my own sandwich. So it seems pretty clear to me that this person equates money with maturity, with freedom. And having people treat you like that, as you said, can be infantilizing. So everyone's entitled to their own money feelings, their own, you know, money insecurities. But when there's such a big mismatch between this person and the family that they're starting to blend in with, how do you deal with that if that's going to keep coming up again and again? Yeah. I mean, I guess I would just say don't always assume that other people's attitudes towards money are the same as your own so the fact that somebody wants to cover something for you does not mean that they are trying to assert that they are more adult than you and you

are just some small child right it doesn't necessarily mean that but if you feel that way like that is an okay way to feel but it is not a universal truth so that's all i would say is like to try to like interrogate like where does that who how do you know that that's true? Right. So some of the awareness that like those values are very deeply ingrained and not everyone shares them. So you need to take a beat here. Yeah. Final thoughts, feelings on how best to approach sticky financial conversations about how to live in more finance, you know, radically transparent financial life. Yeah, I think that part of it is practice. I think that we don't have a lot of practice talking about money.

So that's why when we finally do, it's like, oh, my God, this is so hard and weird. So part of it is like if money can be something that you talk about with your partner, with your friends, even like asking for a raise out of sport almost, you know, like just practice, life practice, right? I'm not saying that everyone needs to be obsessed with money all the time, but I think that if it can be something that you're a little bit, have more practice with, I think it just makes it easier. But I do think that it is just honestly something that's on everyone's mind. So yeah, it's something we all have to deal with. Totally. Maya, before you go, we end every show by asking our experts for the best piece of advice they've ever received.

We'd love to hear yours. Okay, so your sort of purpose in life or your like offering to the world is going to come in the form of something that you actually find really easy and comes to you naturally and is so obvious to you that it's very hard to identify. I'm going to have to have a think on that now. If you've got a question for us, you can find the Dear Life Kit submission page at npr.org slash Dear Life Kit. We'd love to hear from you. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash Life Kit newsletter. This episode was produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglas. Bronson R. Curry is the managing producer and Megan Cain is the supervising editor. Alicia Zung produces our Dear Life Kit social videos. I'm Andi Tegel. Thanks for listening.