Life Kit - Dear LK: Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum?

Episode Date: October 8, 2022

Pop musician and reality dating series host Betty Who gives advice to a letter writer who asks if she should give her boyfriend an ultimatum because she's ready to move in together — and he isn't.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Today on the show, when does it become a problem that I'm ready for the next step in a relationship, but my boyfriend isn't? Dear Life Kit. Dear Life Kit. Dear Life Kit. Dear Life Kit. I have a question for you. This is Dear Life Kit from NPR.

How can I become a better caretaker? How do I deal with my parents' unrealistic expectations? And we're getting personal. I'm catching feelings for someone, but they're married. I'm your host, Andi Tegel. Every episode, we answer one of your most pressing and intimate anonymous questions with expert advice. That's a good question. I really have to think about it. That's today's expert, Betty Who.

Betty Who is an Australian-American pop star and the host of the new reality dating series on Prime Video, The One That Got Away, and the amp radio show Love Letters. Her music is all about love, relationships, and finding your own way. Today, she's going to help us find someone else's way. All right, here we go. Here's your question. Dear Life Kit, when does it become a problem that I'm ready for the next step in a relationship, but my boyfriend isn't? I'm 25 and he's 27. We've been together for a very happy three years and I'd love to move in together. But he says he's not ready yet. It's not just that, though. It's also the way he talks about the future.

If we talk about something like furniture, he has no problem saying, our couch. But he always refers to his kids and not our kids. On the other hand, I've always been a textbook overthinker. Am I being ridiculous? Signed, Ready or Not. Betty, thank you so much for helping us out. Initial thoughts, feelings for Ready or Not. I find I like to overthink things. I like to make assumptions. And so when he absentmindedly says our couch, but then he says my kids,

for me, I would say that it might be an oversight on his part. I wouldn't think too much into it or read too much into offhanded catchphrases like that. I think that intuition is very important in this situation. And if your intuition is telling you that something is not moving in the direction that you would like, I always think that communication is key. for yourself in relationships and set boundaries about what is and isn't going to work for you is the only way that you can move forward in a partnership in a healthy way. And so ready or not, I think my final advice, my final answer is having a serious conversation with guidelines of, listen, I've been wanting to talk to you. I want to sit down. I want to have this conversation with you. This is my five-year plan. This is my goal. This is what I want for myself. What do you see for that? Do you want

to think about it? Do you want to talk about it? We're at the point where we have to move forward. If we're doing this together, we should really talk about what that looks like and give your partner the opportunity to step up and have that conversation with you and be a little bit more clear. It sounds like this is confusing because it's a little unclear about what your partner really wants. So a conversation, I think a really direct conversation can help that. And that leads me right into my next question, which is that so much of life is about timing, right? Maybe this couple is destined to share that couch for the rest of their days, but this just isn't their moment. How do you know

when to hold on or when it's time to let go if that partner says, I'm just not quite there yet. Can we have this conversation again, X, Y, Z? Maybe this is a human experience, but I have had this moment where I will feel inside of myself, oh, I can't unsee the thing that I have now seen. When you get that sinking feeling in your stomach where you're like, oh, this isn't actually going to work out. And you feel that and then you do so much work to probably try and bury that feeling or push it away so you don't have to deal with it because that kind of feeling is hard. I am the type of person who when I feel that feeling, I immediately have to take action.

I need to sometimes for better and for worse. You know, sometimes I need to sit on it and really figure out what I want to say, what I want for myself, what my next steps are. But I think that listening to your gut about what is and isn't going to work for you, in the end, partners are supposed to add to your life, not take away from them. That is the healthy partnership. But at the end of the day, you guys should be aligned on what you want for the future and where you're both heading and see that path together. And I think you probably already have the feeling in your stomach.

If you know a little bit that it's time, you probably already know it. It's just hard to get there and find your own way to that moment. Yeah. Relationships are always hard work, but the gut knows. Our guts are wise. Okay. So the question I have here is if this person is overthinking, it sounds like maybe their compass is a little bit off. They don't know where that true north is. So with that in mind, how can we get back to those instincts? How can we find those things? What do you do in those moments, Betty? I think that's a really good point when you don't have that ability to trust yourself, when your intuition might be a little off and you're like, I think the feeling that I

have means this thing, but also maybe I don't know anything and now I've stressed myself out and now I'm this ball of anxiety and I have no idea which way is up or down. Welcome to my Monday morning. Yeah. I totally relate to that place. I often find that I need a range finder. What do I know makes me feel a certain way? Let me go do that thing. And if it makes me feel that way, then I go, cool. That's information that I needed. I'm checking in with myself. I feel good about that. So for me, I had a moment last year. I was feeling really out of sorts a little bit, just kind of. And I think it's been a crazy couple of years.

I've given myself a lot of grace to feel totally out of my mind whenever the time calls for it. But I went to New York. I went on a trip and I visited all my girlfriends in New York. And that's always the thing that makes me feel so alive. I'm in the city with my best friends and I feel 22 again. And I had this, I think, having that moment of to step away from your life and go, oh my God, look how grateful I am for all of these things that about 10 seconds ago I was feeling really smothered by or whatever it is.

You know, I think space and doing something, an activity, or spending time on your own in a meaningful way to get back to yourself and that intuitive place, I think is a great place to start before you even think about having those more difficult conversations about where you're at. And I think ultimately, I think that the conversation needs to be had about this is what I really want. And I need you to give me an answer about what you really want. Because I think if you can't, if you can't go to your partner and say, I need help finding my way through this, where are you at on it? Because we have to align or figure out how to move forward from this. I think that's one of the most important parts of a partnership. And if you can't have a difficult conversation like that

where you're advocating for yourself, I don't have a ton of hope for the way that you move forward. That's how you move through, I think, life's greatest problems is being able to talk about it. Absolutely. So, you know, find places where you can be your truest self, where you can find joy,

get some distance from the question, from the situation. And then once you have your truest self, where you can find joy, get some distance from the question, from the situation. And then once you have that sense of self, you can restart the conversation from a place of wholeness. I love that. Yes. I feel like you wrapped that up really nicely. I should have just said it like that. Andy, I'll have you write my script next time. That was good. All right, Betty. And before you go, can you give us the best advice you've ever received? The best piece of advice I ever received was from my friend, Julie. She told me to go where the energy goes. What has good vibes? What makes you feel good about yourself? Where is there good energy? Head in that direction. That was pop star Betty Hu. If you've got a question for us

you can find the Dear Life Kit submission page at npr.org slash dear life kit we'd love to hear from you and thanks so much for tuning in to Dear Life Kit we're coming back in a couple weeks you can find us in the same spot as always this very Life Kit podcast feed wherever you get your podcasts

and in the meantime why not subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. This episode was produced by Beck Harlan, Vanessa Handy, and Sylvie Douglas. Bronson R. Curry is the managing producer and Megan Kane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zung produces the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram. I'm Mandi Tagle. Thanks for listening.