Life Kit - How solitude can help you regulate your mood

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

Everyone needs a little alone time, but during this pandemic, you may have felt like you had too much "me" time or not enough. Let's get that balance back! This episode breaks down research behind what makes even small bouts of solitude restorative and what to do when you're alone too much. (This episode originally aired in July 2020.)Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

My name is Maya Chupkov. I've been listening to LifeKits since the beginning of the pandemic. That's when I really started getting into podcasts. Two episodes, Flip My World Upside Down, Making a Side Gig Work for You, and Five Practices to Become a Better Listener. And not only was the content amazing and helpful, but the people you invited on to talk about these issues were verbally diverse people. It really changed my perspective of who can be on a podcast. And it really just made me realize that my own speech impediment was holding me back and listening to these two episodes really helped me find my own voice. I'm Maya and this is Proud Stutter, a podcast exploring what it means to be verbally diverse. After listening to those two episodes,

I realized that I too can become an audio storyteller. And I've been wanting to start a podcast for so long. I'm so appreciative of LifeKit's commitment to diversity and inclusion. LifeKit brings you advice from all sorts of experts. Voices you may not be used to hearing, but have expertise to share nevertheless. LifeKit is here to make a real impact in your life. Our journalists and guests work hard to demystify topics that seem scary or complicated. And we can't do that without you.

Our show relies on listener support from our audience all over the country. When you donate to your local public radio station, you help bring more voices to our airwaves and your headphones. Go to donate.npr.org slash life kit to get started with your donation. And thanks. This is NPR's Life Kit. I'm Andrew Limbaugh. With the rise of the Omicron variant, many of us are reworking travel plans, going back to working from home, or just generally lying low. And more alone time is tricky. Even researchers who look at this stuff don't have a concrete definition of what it means to be alone. It was pretty jarring to me for something that is so much a part of everybody's everyday existence. There isn't even like a really agreed upon definition about what solitude means.

That's Dr. Robert Copeland. He's a professor of psychology at Carleton College who studies solitude. Sometimes solitude is a moment of peace and quiet. Other times it manifests as loneliness. It's the Goldilocks hypothesis, right? There's like, there's some people can have too much, some people can have too little, and you got to find your just, just the right amount. So that we used to focus primarily on getting too much time alone and how that's a problem. But then you also have to look at the other side, there could be too little. And that that may have negative implications for people as well.

NPR's Colin Dwyer talked with some of these researchers and got some tips to help you find that balance. Hey, Colin. Hey, Andrew. So how can people find the right balance of loneliness? Well, first things first, you don't have to put too much pressure on yourself. I think that one thing people enter an experience of solitude with is an expectation that they're going to be Henry David Thoreau or someone like that, who emerges with a profound epiphany. You don't have to. It can last just 15 minutes. In fact, we can refer to some of the studies done by a woman named Thuy Vy Nguyen. She teaches psychology at University of Durham in the UK. And she's done studies in which she will put people alone in a room for 15 minutes, just 15 minutes. And she will ask them how they're feeling as they go into that experience and how they're feeling as they come out of it. And what she's found is that people report feeling generally better, but

better in a particular way. She describes it as feelings of arousal or an arousal mood. So there's a high arousal mood, which can be both bad or happy. Bad would be angry, and happy would be, I don't know, excitement. And then you also have a low arousal mood, which the bad would probably be boredom, but the good would probably be contentment. And what people emerged with at the end of this 15 minutes is a general feeling of that low arousal mood and that helped to regulate them overall. I'll let her describe it. So high arousal mood would go down when we spend time alone, whereas low arousal moods go up, which means that yes, you can feel calm and relaxed, but you also can also feel lonely, sad and bored. The point being that solitude doesn't have a uniform effect on everyone, but it does

help to balance the so-called high arousal moods that we usually get flooded with when we're around other people. So when we say like, take 15 minutes, you just like sit in a chair and don't do anything. Again, is that called taking a nap or something? Like, what are you doing? Yeah, it could be taking a nap. And again, you've touched on another difficult part of this whole process is what constitutes solitude?

And in this sense, one of the big questions is what activities can you be doing during this? Do you need to be just sitting there staring at a wall? Or can you be reading a book? Or can you be doing any number of things? Can you be scrolling through Instagram? Is that solitude? And again, not every researcher agrees on what solitude is. But generally across the board, what Nguyen has found in her studies

is that in all situations, if they're generally alone or they feel alone, people have this same effect. They feel a general balancing of their mood. This is not always pleasant. One of my very favorite stories that I learned in the course of this. I'll actually let Copeland tell. He was the one who referred it to me. It was the study in 2014. I'll let him take it from there. They had undergraduate students go and sit in a room alone, door closed, no tech, sit in a chair, nothing. So 15 minutes of sitting completely by yourself. Of course, they all hated it. They thought it was boring. They thought it was terrible. But they hated it so much that the majority of them, so more than half of the participants, said that they would rather self-administer an to keep in mind at the outset when you're beginning to practice solitude yourself or trying to take a step away. If you don't enjoy the experience, let alone come away with that epiphany you were thinking of, don't sweat it. Like at the outset, it can be a little bit unpleasant, but it's a process of practice and eventually coming to feel yourself a little bit more closely. Yeah. But, you know, a lot of people, especially now, sort of don't have that luxury, right?

Whether they have like kids or they have roommates or, you know, whatever. There's always like, it always feels like somebody needs something from you. You know what I mean? So this is one question that I actually posed to Paul Salmon and Susan Matariz. They're married. He studies psychology. She studies political science. But they both try to cultivate mindfulness in their students at the University of Louisville. Think about solitude in the same way as high-intensity interval exercise, you know, where it's not a matter of going to the gym for an hour and a half. It's you crank out a set of high-intensity sit-ups for a little bit, and then you come back an hour later, five minutes at a time, so on and so forth. You can do that with solitude as well. Remember these 15-minute studies that Nguyen would put her subjects through. Even at the end of those 15 minutes, they would feel better. So you don't have to go away and be a hermit for a year.

You can just take little spells to be by yourself, to collect yourself, to be alone with your thoughts. And if other people still won't leave you be, there's another idea that they suggested. Explaining what the purpose of this is, and maybe even inviting people in their own way to find a way to be quiet and turn inwardly for a while. That's not like you're isolating yourself and setting yourself apart, but you're explaining that what you're doing is something of personal value and inviting other people to at least acknowledge and accept that, but possibly even engaging in it themselves. Sort of like proselytize the gospel of solitude and hope that the impression gets on to the other people. In a kind of paradoxical way, your proselytizing solitude can build a community or a social space in which you both understand each other and kind of feel on the same page when it comes to what you need to regulate your mental faculties.

Just a bunch of people sitting in a room together. Could be, or just like, let's say, before dinner, maybe it becomes a practice where you just say, you know what, before we all gather for dinner at 6.30, we all just like, you know, separate rooms don't exist, right? If you live in like a studio apartment with another person, or if you live in like a house and fast definition when it comes to solitude. But I mean, Salmon and Matariz would argue that you don't have to be alone, in fact, to be able to practice solitude. You can just kind of close your eyes, turn inward for a bit and pay attention to what's going on in your body. One thing that Matariz told me that really resonated with me, she told me this aphorism by the Shaker community from the 18th century. They were referring to work here, but I think that the principle kind of applies across the board. Do your work as though you had a thousand years to live, and as you would if you knew you would die tomorrow. So the point being, obviously, they were speaking about work there.

But I think that the point applies. Do your best to pay attention to the moment that you're in and the activity that you're doing. And maybe, just maybe, you begin to feel alone with it. Yeah. But I guess on the opposite end, I mean, if you, let's say, live by yourself and don't have a partner or whatever, you can have too much solitude, right? Yeah. And so there's bad news that this is linked to health conditions like high blood pressure, chronic inflammation, and other health conditions. But there is good news because in general, psychologists have focused more on this as an issue than its counterpart. So there are lots of resources online.

You can try and seek out groups with similar interests. Even maybe just try striking up a conversation or two with a stranger along the way. There's one study that shows that they encouraged several subjects to just hop on a train and strike up a conversation with strangers. Didn't matter what the conversation was about. Didn't matter who they spoke with. Didn't matter how long they talked. Folks who walked away from that experience, even those who were self-professed introverts, spoke of having a more positive or at least a sense of a more balanced mental outlook after that study. But obviously those things, talking to a stranger on a train, seeking out groups right now might not be all that feasible right now in the middle of a pandemic. So there's also one solution that fits, I think, Wynne puts it best. If you don't start taking control of your solitude, it can be very chaotic.

You don't have a plan for how you spend your time. And if you have a boss that can tell you what to do, that would be great. But if you don't have that person to tell you what to do, then now you need to create that for yourself. There's a line that actually strikes the same chord that another researcher, James Averill of the University of Massachusetts Amherst, he said to me. He said that experiences of solitude, whether positive or negative, depend on the stories that we tell ourselves. And some people are better storytellers than others. But the good thing is that storytelling can come with practice. Yeah, so what does he mean by that?

Like, what kind of stories should we be telling ourselves? I think it's less about the stories and more about the fact of control over those narratives. You are the person who is constructing your interpretation of the life around you. And instead of giving way to the chaos of one thought after another, after another, after another, instead, you are the person who is constructing and determining how you feel about a situation. And that can come down to just understanding and appreciating and paying attention to the life that's around you. Yeah. Like, I am folding laundry. After these five shirts, I will be done folding laundry.

Like, it smells good. Like that sort of thing. Yeah. It's a matter of agency. It's a matter of being the teller of the story and savoring the time that you have to yourself instead of wallowing in the fact that you're alone. You know, we're in control of how we frame and embrace our solitude. Thanks, Colin. Thank you, Andrew. So let's sum things up. First thing to keep in mind, solitude can look like many different things. Researchers still haven't settled on a definition for solitude, but many agree, if you feel alone, you might as well be. Two, some researchers think we can miss solitude the same way we miss company when we're lonely. It's all about finding the right balance to help you

regulate your feelings. Three, don't expect an epiphany. You don't need some revelation to make solitude worthwhile. Even just a few minutes of time on your own has been linked with psychological benefits. And four, if you need space, ask for it. Simply explaining what you're doing to your partner, family, or housemates can help them get on board or even try a little solitude themselves. For more NPR Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on how to address microaggressions and another one I hosted on poetry. You can find those at npr.org slash

life kit. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. And here, as always, a completely random tip, this time from Rose Donahue. I am staying with my boyfriend and his two kids during this time, and we have had a hard time staying off of our screens. So I have implemented the magical mystery jar, which is filled with little pieces of paper with different activities and suggestions for fun things to do, like go for a walk or build a fort. If you've got appreciate LifeKit,

go to donate.npr.org slash LifeKit to get started with your donation. Again, that's donate.npr.org slash LifeKit. This episode was produced by Claire Snyder. Megan Cain is the managing producer. Beth Donovan is the senior editor. Our digital editor is Beck Harlan. I'm Andrew Limbaugh. Thanks for listening.