Life Kit - How to ask for a raise

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Negotiations expert Mori Taheripour shares her tips on asking for more money at work — and what to do when the answer is no, or there's just not money in the budget.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Okay, I want you to be Daryl and ask me for a raise because I need to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. Where'd you get that? Wikipedia. Wikipedia is the best thing ever. This is NPR's Life Kit. I'm Lauren McGaughy. On this episode, we're getting negotiation tips from a real expert, not Michael Scott from The Office. Her name is Maury Tahiripour, and she says we negotiate all the time. Literally from the moment we wake up in the morning to the time we go to

sleep, starting with things like, what am I going to do today? Even things like merging into traffic on a highway is a negotiation. It's really finding sort of your way in. Tahiripour teaches negotiation at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. Her recent book is called Bring Yourself, How to Harness the Power of Connection to Negotiate Fearlessly. A lot of what we do around negotiations is really sort of focusing ourselves outward, right? Like what are you going to tell somebody? What are you going to ask for of them? And a lot of the times what we really sort of gloss over is actually looking inward and thinking about the things that mean the most to us, things that we don't want to compromise. Thinking even about our values or how we want to interact with people, how we want to show up in conversations.

In this episode of Life Kit, we'll be talking about how you can negotiate and what you can do to prepare for that call with your boss. Morita Haripour, welcome to Life Kit. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Excited for this conversation. In your book, you talk a lot about, you know, how self-worth and the narratives we tell ourselves, how those determine what we're willing to ask for. Can you talk a little bit about why that's such a big factor? I just think that oftentimes the narrative we have for ourselves, the perception that we have of ourselves is not that of value, right? We knock ourselves down. And, you know, there's a saying

that if we talk to our friends the way we talk to ourselves, we wouldn't have any. It's because of sort of this lack of, you know, maybe self-love and we sort of lean into criticism of ourselves. And it's so much easier when somebody gives us a compliment for us to sort of brush it off. Whereas if somebody criticizes us, it sort of sticks on us. It's like a tattoo. So, you know, all of those things really impact the way not only we prepare for negotiations, because, you know, if you have sort of this, this lack of self-worth or lower self-esteem, or the way you see yourself is, is not what it should be in a value, then you, you want less of the world. Do you want less of these conversations? Because

you're starting to think that maybe that's what I deserve. And then when you set lower goals and you show up asking for less, then naturally you're going to receive less. And by the way, the opposite of that is true in negotiation. Studies show that those people who want more for themselves, who seek more aspirational outcomes, actually get more aspirational outcomes, right? So it's this sort of positive psychology that plays into all this. And so can I ask, have you experienced this in your life? And if so, how did you turn that narrative around? Absolutely. I think two come to mind. The first is that I was raised in a first generation Iranian American household. And

for many of us immigrants, I think the parents, what they dream for you is that you're going to be a doctor. And of course, if you're not going to be a doctor, you're going to get married. And, and for many of us immigrants, I think the parents, what they dream for you is that you're going to be a doctor. And of course, if you're not going to be a doctor, you're going to get married. And I'm neither one of those things, by the way, but, but, you know, sort of growing up, there is this expectation of what your life is supposed to be of your parents. And, you know, you're, you're studying constantly. And for me, it was sort of swimming upstream, you know, classes that I was neither good at nor did I really enjoy. But I was really in this sort of constant frame of mind of this is what I'm supposed to be. And how did I battle that? I think that at some point, I actually stood back and started taking sort of ownership of my accomplishments and stopped thinking about

the things that I didn't become, by the way, for other people. And I started sort of celebrating the person that I had become for myself. And that very first decision of actually deciding not to pursue a career that they had wanted for me may be my biggest accomplishment. So it was, you know, the first time I sort of stood in my power. And I think we don't celebrate those things enough. And that's why these like negative stories start taking over because you literally have to be intentional about it. You literally have to stop and say, I'm not here by accident. I've worked really hard. It was, it actually was hard work to do this without volumes of support. And so, so once you have kind of thought about that and you've thought about your worth and, and you have kind of reversed your narrative and concluded that you, you've done

a really great job and you could be making more at your job, you could, you maybe deserve that promotion. What kind of prep work do you tell people to do before they have that conversation with their boss? You know, anytime you're having these conversations about raises, you sort of have to do the prep work that allows you to make a really good case for it, right? You can't just sort of randomly wake up on a Tuesday and say, now it's time, right? So the prep work that goes into it is telling that story. So the first thing you do is maybe think about, first of all, have I met or sort of exceeded the expectations that people had for me in my role? You know, you start sort of, again, writing down things like your accomplishments and aligning them up with the expectations that people had for you in that role. And then maybe additionally is thinking

about, have you taken on other projects? Have you taken on more responsibilities, which I know a lot of people are going through now. And, you know, what is that, how does that translate, right, to what was expected of you before, but all that you're doing now. And then also maybe the value of those projects, right? There are some projects that become, you know, new revenue stream for a company or bring added value that was unexpected. So that's sort of another bonus. And, you know, third, again, this goes back to the extra responsibilities. Are you making up for maybe the furloughs in your company?

So there are less people there because people have been laid off because of the situation we're in now. But are you taking on additional responsibilities and not being compensated for them? And not just for like a week or two, but really this has become sort of the new status quo. So I think those are really important questions to ask yourself because they become really solid data points that you could take into the conversation. Yeah, I mean, even just meeting your own goals during a global pandemic, it feels like a huge accomplishment these days. Getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment on certain days, so yes.

I want to talk a little bit about leverage, too. You know, there's obviously a power dynamic between your boss and you, the employee. How do we kind of reverse that and gain a little bit of leverage in our negotiations? A lot of that, again, goes back to the storytelling. So yes, it's your boss. Yes, they are in a position of leverage. Yes, they could, obviously, you know, this conversation could go sideways. I think that at least the way I approach these conversations and what I tell my students always is, is be careful that you don't start negotiating with yourself before you even start the conversation with the other individual, right? So where do you get the confidence? Well, proof is in the pudding, right? I've exceeded expectations. I've taken on

more projects. I've done more. And so, you know, that leverage that you just talked about sort of starts evening out because you're bringing value to this individual, right? You have a seat at the table and you absolutely deserve it because you've worked so hard. The other piece of that is having humility in the conversation as well. And by that, I mean, not making yourself smaller, but being really curious and sort of leading into these conversations with empathy. Leverage is information, right? And if you're curious and you start these conversations by maybe not only sort of stating your positions and sort of what you want, but also

finding out, you know, maybe some of the things that are challenging your boss at the time, right? Maybe the things that are really weighing heavily on the company and the decisions that they're making so that you can better understand the position that they're in. Yeah. And you know, the negotiating with yourself thing is something that I feel like in particular, I hear young women talk about where they say, well, I know the budget's tight and I know I could have done more this year. It just feels like a big hurdle to overcome. You know, it does. But having that ability to be empathetic in some ways is what you just described, right?

So acknowledging that these are difficult times is not a bad thing. But I think where people go wrong is that they not only acknowledge that, but they immediately sort of negotiate their way out of it too, right? They negotiate against themselves. Well, I know these are really tough times, so you may not want to give me a raise. Those are two bad things that go together, as opposed to, I know these are really tough times and maybe we push this conversation to later, but I just wanted to sort of raise some of these things and bring them to your attention because I have taken on so much more responsibility and, and I do want to perform at my best, but maybe as we look at sort of my performance review in six months, we can also acknowledge the fact that I, I'm doing so much more than was expected of me. So at that point, you're saying,

I understand you're in a hard place and I'm not coming into this sort of blind to that fact. But the other side of it is you can still own the things that you want to ask for, right? That, that, that moment to come into this conversation doesn't have to not be available to you just because the company is doing massive layoffs. What you can recognize and say is, can we do this later then? Whenever I have a scary conversation like this with my boss or anyone in a position of power, really, I try to practice what I'm going to say ahead of time in front of the mirror. You're a negotiations expert. Is this a good way to prep? Is there something else I should be trying?

It's funny because one of my students just recently asked about this very thing. And she said that where she goes wrong is that she does all the preparation she can, but then she gets surprised by the reaction. I asked her, I said, so when you prep, do you ever sort of test your understanding of it? Or is there somebody that can maybe hear the conversation or you can run some of this by so that they can give you insight? I'm thinking about some of the times I've walked into my boss's office. I have been so overcome with

nerves. I've been trembling. And like, frankly, I kind of black out for some of the conversation out of nerves. Do you have thoughts on how to dial that down? Yeah. So the whole blackout thing is a little bit scary because what that's telling me is that you've literally sort of, you're not present there anymore, right? You're not even mindful of the conversation that you're having, which is the quickest way to disaster, right? So it starts before you even start talking, right? This is that, again, how you prepare for these conversations isn't just about what you're saying, but how comfortable you are in your delivery. And maybe even how comfortable you are with things like if they say no, that two letter word is so scary for people that it literally cognitively sort of blocks them from being

able to even understand what's going on at that point, or even keeps them from engaging in the conversation in the first place. So I think that maybe changing the way you look at these conversations, and again, not making them so transactional, making them about sort of a conversation, human connection, right? You don't walk into, obviously, your boss's office and say, today's the day I need a raise, right? So there is that whole other part of conversation that that is so much more enjoyable. Right. How's your day? Right. You know, are you OK? You know, how are you dealing with the situation right now? How's your family? Is your son still playing sports? information exchange ahead of the actual transactional conversation really helps alleviate the pressure associated with the actual bargaining itself. It lets you connect with someone and

actually enjoy the moment. Yeah. Going back to that two-letter word that you mentioned, that's very intimidating. It's the worst thing that could happen is someone could say no. What do you do if someone says no? So this may sound a little crazy because maybe it's because I teach the subject, but I actually welcome a really good no. And what I mean by that is that, yeah, let's say you make some kind of an ask and somebody just says yes, right? Yes. Hard stop. How do you know whether it was just a good day for your ask, or you just got lucky that day, or, you know, maybe the way you package it just happened to work. How are you, how do you know how to replicate that the next time around? And so if by chance, and now everybody likes to hear yes, obviously. So, you know, I'm not that crazy, but, but I'm not in the search for no's, right? But when somebody maybe says no to your first ask,

then I'm the type of person that thinks, let me find out why this didn't work. Because maybe it's not, it's just no to this, but it's yes to something else. And maybe if I can learn what didn't work for this, then if I present it a different way and I take into consideration some of the things that would make this more attractive to them or allow them to say yes more easily, then I'll go there the next time. Or even in the same conversation, right? If you, in fact, think about negotiations as problem solving, then that's all it is. It's a collaborative conversation. So what does that look like in terms of, I'm talking to my boss, I ask for a promotion, they say no, I have an opportunity to find out why or what I could do to get there? Absolutely. At that moment, if they say, you know, this isn't really

something I can do right now. For example, again, where we are today, you know, we're making all these cuts. We can't really afford this. Financially, they may be strapped, right? But if they point to the budget being an issue, there's a lot of other things you can ask for. It's not just about money sometimes, right? The things that make us happy could come in other ways. So it could be that you want to maybe earn a certificate. That could be an option. You know, maybe it's better stock options or, you know, getting some amount of time off when you can actually take a vacation and it's not a staycation, asking for an extra week. So there's other things that you can ask for that maybe would allow them a little bit more flexibility in the way they can respond to you as well. So if not money, then is there something

else? A lot of times the way we ask for things, whether it's from our bosses or from whoever, can do a lot to change the outcome of the conversation. And I think especially as a woman or a person of color, you're thinking a little bit about the way you're perceived. Is there a way to ensure that it's perceived well? Oh, that's so tricky because, you know, we sort of live our lives, I think, in a lot of ways, thinking about how people expect us to show up or, you know, meeting social expectations, whether it's our gender, race, what have you. And, you know, people have a tremendous amount of biases, and they might be misguided in your perceptions of you. That's a really nice way of saying what I just really wanted to say. But you can't sort of live your life in the shadow of those things, right? And so if we spend all of our time worrying about what should I wear, you know, if I wear this, will they think, you know, negatively of me or, or is it too revealing or is the color too bold or, you know, all the way to, did I use me too much? Did I make it too much about myself? You know, so you're giving all this mental energy literally to the

what ifs, which you can't know for sure ever. So I always think, again, you have to be very aware when you are in these conversations so that you can not only hear with your ears, but with your eyes and every sort of perception that you have, because that gives you feedback in real time about how people are receiving you. But the other part of it is you lose out on all the time that you have to actually create strategy about how you're going to approach this conversation. Give yourself the space to do the very best that you can in that moment. That's sort of like gifting yourself the time to be the best that you can be when you do show up. Maury Tahiripour, thank you so much. You are so welcome. Thank you for having me. For more episodes of Life Kit, go to npr.org slash life kit.

We have episodes on all sorts of topics like how to make a really hard decision or how to deal with uncertainty. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. And as always, here's a completely random tip from listener Josh Keith with his ideas for gift giving. One of my favorite low budget gifts to give is a crossword puzzle. There's a couple of online auto crossword puzzle generators, and you just plug in your own memories with this person and use them as clues. And then you have your own answers. And it's very thoughtful, very cheap. I did it for my dad once and he printed it out. It was really awesome.

If you've got a good tip, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode was produced by Claire Lombardo, who is also our digital editor. Megan Cain is the managing producer. Beth Donovan is our senior editor, and Claire Marie Schneider is our editorial assistant. I'm Lauren McGaughy. Thanks for listening. Thank you.