Life Kit - How to combat parental burnout

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Today's parents are more involved in their children's lives — and more stressed out — than they were two decades ago, according to an advisory from the 2024 U.S. Surgeon General. So how can they catch a break? Life Kit reporter Andee Tagle explains why parental burnout is a public health crisis and offers realistic ways to ease the pressure.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Technologist Pau Garcia is using AI to create photos of people's most precious memories. How her mother was dressed, the haircut that she remembered. We generated tens of images and then she saw two images that was like, that was it. Ideas about the future of memory. That's on the TED Radio Hour podcast from NPR. You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. I am not a parent, at least not yet, but having watched my friends and family raise their kids, parenting seems to me like being in one of those batting cages where there's a ball ejected in the direction of your face going however many miles per hour over and over non-stop except the balls are

coming from every direction and you couldn't possibly hit them all. Also some days it feels like you're in there without a bat or a helmet. My friends are trying to keep their kids safe and healthy they're trying to raise good humans with a clear sense of right and wrong and at the same time they're just trying to get through the day while one kid is pulling all the toilet paper off the roll, the other two are pulling each other's hair, the doorbell is ringing, and dinner is burning on the stove. Parenting has always been hard and overwhelming but I was surprised that recent data shows in a lot of ways it's even tougher now. Parents compared to two

decades ago are spending more time at work than they were, and this is moms and dads. That may not be surprising, but what is surprising is that moms and dads are also spending more time in child care than they were two decades ago. So what are they doing less of is the question. In August of 2024, then U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, that's whose voice you just heard, issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. The government said it was an urgent public health issue requiring awareness and action. The advisory included a snapshot of the things that are stressing out parents. Concerns about technology and social media, safety in school

shootings, the growing children's mental health crisis, in addition to the more familiar worries like your kids future, societal expectations, financial strains and relentless time demands. So what does that all add up to for parents? It's less time taking care of themselves, recuperating, it's less time socializing with others. 48% of parents are saying that on most days their stress is completely overwhelming. 48%, that's nearly one in two. At the same time, parents are struggling

with record levels of loneliness that are significantly higher than the general population. We know what would really move the needle for families in this regard is change on a systemic nationwide level. Recent data shows the US ranks very low or last in access, cost, and quality of childcare compared to all other developed countries. And we're behind when it comes to access to paid family leave, affordable care options, and living wages for childcare workers. So this is not just a problem to be solved by individual families.

But there is a lot that parents can do to deal with the stress and get ahead of exhaustion. And if you don't think you have time to do that for yourself, do it for your kids. One of the things that we know is that the mental health of parents and kids are deeply intertwined. Left unchecked parental burnout can strain parent-child relationships, leading to behavioral and emotional problems for kids and unhealthy coping mechanisms in families. On this episode of Life Kit, understanding parental burnout. Reporter Andy Tagel is going to teach you to spot the signs and assess how you spend

your time. And she'll also offer realistic solutions for dealing with daily parenting stress. Our long national nightmare is over. Beyonce has finally won the Grammy for Album of the Year. How and why did it take so long for Beyonce to win the top prize at Music's Biggest Night? We're talking about her big wins and breaking down the Grammys for Kendrick Lamar, Chappell Roan, and Sabrina Carpenter. Listen to the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast from NPR.

If you're a busy parent listening to this podcast right now, I want to start with a sincere thank you for your time. Because if you're anything like me, I'm assuming you have a running to-do list for the day, 20 tabs open in your head, and at least five other things you could or simultaneously are doing while listening to this. Which leads me right to take away one, no time to waste here, learn your line between everyday stress

and parental burnout. It's not having just a bad day. We all have bad days, but it's when it really becomes chronic and it's something that over time, it can be weeks, it could be months, that you're really feeling shut down. Nikesha Hammond is a psychologist and author

who specializes in mental wellness and burnout prevention in the Tampa Bay area of Florida. The term burnout is thrown around a lot these days. So just so we're all on the same page, here's her by the book definition. Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress.

Now it can show up differently for everyone, but common symptoms to look out for include feelings of cynicism, mood swings, decreased productivity or effectiveness, or you might feel it more in your body. Maybe it's frequent headaches, sleep problems, or a change in appetite. For some people, it leads to withdrawal from others. So you may feel like you don't want to be around your significant other or your children or your coworkers or whomever it

may be. For some people, it leads to agitation and irritability. One resource I found helpful described parental burnout as an extra heavy fatigue that can make it hard to enjoy family time. And it's a canary in a coal mine. So if symptoms are starting to sing out to you, you wanna take action before that burnout becomes a bigger health condition,

like heart disease, high blood pressure or depression. First, for those moments of high stress, Nakeisha suggests simply taking a minute, like literally just one. You can set a timer on your phone if you want. The key is to get your mind and body back to a calm state. It doesn't make all your problems go away. It does not, but it does allow you to mentally work on taking that shift, starting with 60 seconds that it's okay to reset, it's okay to recharge. You're training yourself how to get into that mentality because those little daily steps consistently is what can help you work on checking in and preventing burnout.

In that minute, breathe deeply. Do a quick five senses exercise or just drink your tea and try to really taste it. Whatever best helps you slow down and reset. Then, once you've calmed, maybe you'll have enough mental space to ask yourself just two questions. How am I doing? And what do I need? Maybe you're in a space where you're like, I'm great.

I just need more exercise. I need more, you know, better sleep. I need better nutrition or whatever that answer was. There's not a right or wrong. But it is about asking yourself questions to sort of filter the answer. And while you won't necessarily be able to meet every need right away, just being able to recognize and verbalize where you're at is an important first step. Now, if you don't have clear answers for yourself, but you're feeling concerned,

Nikesha says it's always a good idea to reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional. For them to say to you, you know what, this is absolutely typical for, you know, say having a newborn or having a teenager, or no, you really are at the point where you're burnt out or you're past that point where you're now experiencing some significant anxiety or depression or whatever it may be. Now to beat burnout long term, there's another important aspect of child rearing we need to address. Let's move this to the family dinner table, shall we? Takeaway two, don't discount the weight of invisible labor. It's a major factor of parental burnout, and the burden is mostly falling on women.

It isn't making the hamburger that necessarily burns somebody out. It's the, where do I buy the buns? When should I do this in between work and home? How do I get that dinner on the table? How do I make sure my children eat that burger? So all the steps around execution of the task is, in my mind, the missing link around these discussions about parental burnout. That's author and activist Eve Rotsky. And I'm really known for

being an expert on the gender division of labor and my book, Fair Play, which works on the dynamics, especially between couples, on who handles all of the child care and housework for a family. What Eve was describing with those hamburgers was the weight of the mental load required to maintain a household. You might have also heard of it as the second shift or invisible labor. It's decision making and problem solving, coordinating schedules and list making and gift buying, remembering details, anticipating needs and planning ahead.

Transporting your kids to school, medical and healthy living, social media monitoring, friendships, in law management. It goes on and on. So that actually really it does add up to a brain that can feel in overload. And we hear that over and over again from women. Yep, women specifically. According to one recent study, mothers take on 71% of the mental load for their families on average. And Eve also did her own study on this, where her team asked participants about 30 common household tasks. What they found was one group was responsible for the mental load of 29 of them. Women shoulder all the cognitive labor except for garbage. Now I'll say here, just as I did in our full episode about the division of domestic

labor with Eve, that of course not all households have a distinctly lopsided listkeeper structure like this. Just like they all don't have children, or a heterosexual partnership, or a partnership at all, or a friendly fiddly fig by the front door. Still looking good, Eddie. But it's a common enough experience, and it goes unaddressed often enough, that it's worth highlighting. Because yes, Eve says, of course parental stress is a problem. But if we're talking burnout… If you don't call out that this is falling on mothers, and you call it parents, then

what you're going to do is you're not going to really be able to solve for the key issue here, which is the redistribution of cognitive labor. Now, of course, the exact math will look different for every parent. But the logic still applies. What time assumptions might you be carrying into your roles as a partner, parent, or professional? Like maybe you automatically shoulder more housework because your partner makes a bit more money. Or you missed another doctor's appointment to drop off the homework you reminded your kid three times not to forget. Maybe you're the de facto mentor of new employees at the office.

No you're not paid for the extra workload, but you're just so warm, so welcoming. We don't want any couple, regardless of your family configuration, to be stuck in assumptions. If you want to stop feeling so overburdened by your mental load, Eve says you have to start actually valuing your time as much as you do everyone else's. To do that, first, get a grasp of exactly how you're spending it and on what. This could look like a single piece of paper or your notes app, with a column for all the parenting and housework tasks you own, a column for your co-parent or co-caregiver if you

have one, and a column for shared tasks. You could start with everything you do in a standard week, or the whole enchilada. Once you have a full picture, it'll be easier to spot the burns. Any obvious time black holes? Big imbalances or impracticalities? Does your list paint a clear picture that your partner could do more and you could do less? Or vice versa? This exercise is going to take some time and will likely warrant change.

Eve shared what one of the first conversations with her husband was like. I noticed that you have three hours after our kids go to bed, Seth, and in the morning, where you get to work out, finish a PowerPoint deck, relax, where I do things in service of the home, literally until my head hits the pillow three hours after you go to bed. And that's fundamentally unfair and I'm just not going to live that way anymore. If you live with a partner or co-parent, take some of that high emotion out of this process by setting up a regular weekly check-in to go over schedules, renegotiate household tasks as necessary, and draw a border around your you time. But I know that still doesn't make this step less scary or small for a lot of people. It'll require ongoing buy-in, clear-cut communication,

and trust from your whole family. The good news, there's a light at the end of the panel. And bonus, it's got a really fun name. Takeaway three, rethink your recharge. The only thing I could find that was an antidote to burnout was being consistently interested in your own life. To us, this idea of what we call unicorn space, this space which is fictional like a unicorn but you can reclaim it because it's beautiful and magical, it's really

this space to say I want to be interested again in my own life and I'm willing to practice and try different things like I can't believe I just did that. That was the number one term that people who started to practice being interested in their own lives came back to us with. I can't believe I just did that. Now, don't let the glittery name confuse you.

Creating a unicorn space that is regular, protected, guilt-free time for you to explore self-expression will require some heavy lifting. Because it is not the one weekend a year for your college friends, because that's not consistent and being consistently interested in your own life requires a practice of boundary systems and communication so that you can reclaim your time and say, okay, I have systems in place to make things more efficient and we actually have to be able to communicate and ask for what we need. But we don't even know what we need because some of the things we're told to need are,

can I take a shower? If you've already worked through that time audit, found that mythical free space, and put it on the shared family calendar, you've made it to the fun part, figuring out what to do with it. If you don't know exactly what your unicorn space thing is already, Eve has a three-step, three Cs plan. The first C is curiosity. what to do with it. If you don't know exactly what your unicorn space thing is already, Eve has a three step, three C's plan. The first C is curiosity. As in, what is one thing you can do this month outside of your roles as parent, partner, and professional? That's where I want

people to start. One thing that you can do outside of your roles that excites you this month. Now there are no wrong answers here and no investment required. But aim for an activity that lights you up and can speak to some of your values. What does that mean exactly? So I mentioned to Eve, for example, that there was an adult beginner ballet class that kept catching my eye. When she asked why, I thought about it. And I realized it's because I'm really craving some playfulness in my life. Some agility, beauty, freedom.

Maybe you are craving connection and action, and that takes the form of getting involved in local politics. Or maybe like Eve, you're seeking more spirituality in your life. For her, that's taken the form of classes with a rabbi. But you don't have to sign up for some time-intensive class either. She says you can express these values in tiny bursts too. That can be skipping down the street in Central Park, playfulness and fun. I want you to feel those things in your life. And it could be from ballet or it could be for something else.

But we find that people who take it to their values and they get there through backing in by something that they love will stick with that consistent interest in your own life. The next C is connection. This is the part Eve says that makes a unicorn space different from plain old self-care. Because you have to take that thing you've been doing and put it on display. And I can't believe I just did that moment. Often happens in the company of others.

And that connection, the sharing yourself with the world is the scary part. Now, this doesn't have to be on a grand scale. But the idea here is when you share your passion, you never know what doors might open up for you or for the people you share it with. Take, for example, the stay-at-home mom you've talked to. She was feeling a bit stuck, so she signed up for a car race. Then, she liked it so much, she eventually went on to become one of the top women racers in the world. The final step is completion. And so many parents are afraid of perfection, and they equate that to completion, that they will say, oh, this sounds all wonderful.

I would love to practice playfulness through a podcast with my kid, but no, I would never do that because we're never going to chart on Apple podcasts. So people automatically shoot down the thing that would bring them the antidote to burnout because they're afraid it's not going to be perfect. But it really just has to be complete. Maybe that means just making a single episode of that podcast or writing the first chapter of that book you've been composing in your head for 10 years.

It doesn't have to be big. You just need to have an endpoint in mind because that's what will define your unicorn space as separate from a practice like daily meditation or going to the gym. It's great to have a practice. However, it is important to have some of those completion moments because it's great for dopamine. It's great to say, I can't believe I just did that.

That lasts. Now, depending on where we found you in your parenthood journey or in your life or just at this very moment, this whole idea might sound anywhere from super exciting to wildly unrealistic. Maybe you've got a demanding job, maybe more than one. Maybe you've got a kid full of energy

and a backpack full of math homework, a messy house, a rising credit card bill, and absolutely no idea what you're going to cook for dinner. And now we're telling you the fix to your chronic exhaustion is to push your kid aside and add more activity to your plate. I hear you. Let's be very clear here.

Socioeconomic status is a huge factor of parental stress. If you're struggling just to provide basic needs for your child, if you're doing it all on your own, if you're caring for aging family at the same time, or dealing with serious health issues, or maybe all of the above at once, the likely undue burden on your well-being, the additional barriers to accessing downtime, let alone guilt-free downtime, are very, very real. We don't want to minimize that. And Eve did extensive research on this subject and here's what she found. We can prioritize being interested in our own lives.

This is not a class issue. We found that people who were more likely to say that they had unicorn space, I can't believe I just did that activities, were not people necessarily the 1%. It just didn't work that way. It had a lot to do with personally how people have been conditioned to view their time. Like, okay, closing the mommy tab in my brain is nearly impossible. But sometimes I'll find a flow in a script at work or hit a stride on a run. And for a spell, I'm just me.

A lighter, freer, more dynamic me, usually. But then eventually, I'll realize I've taken off that mom hat and I freeze. Like, wait, I haven't thought about my kid in 45 whole minutes. Even though I know he's safe and he's covered, swift hot shame on all sides usually follows. But here's the thing. I'll tell you that the days I write, I'm a better parent because I'm weathering those emotions in a healthy way. I'm a better parent. I'm less burnt out. The ballet class, you may think you don't have time for it. That's the best investment to being a better parent. And of course, personal time, owning your personhood is far from the only thing that's weighing down parents with guilt and shame.

Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says that social media, for example, has led to a crisis of comparison. It's not just kids who are comparing themselves to each other, it's parents too, right? And if we look online, like there are feeds and are filled with influencers and others who are telling us the five steps that you need to make sure that your baby sleeps at night, the three things that you need to do to be the perfect parent.

Friend, I cannot begin to add up all the time I've spent worrying about milestones and feeding techniques and sensory toys after about scrolling my feed. My inner parental critic is loud and her eyes are always on a swivel. You look online and it seems like everyone's kind of figured out how to manage tech for their kids, how to get their kid to eat and sleep and behave perfectly. And if you can't do all of that, you start to feel like you've really failed as a parent.

And those feelings, they eat away at your self-esteem and your sense of self-efficacy as a parent. But when we start opening up and actually talking honestly with each other as parents, we start to realize, actually, it's not as perfect as it seems online. So instead of just eyeballing what other parents are up to on social media, let's try actually talking to them. Our last stop, Takeaway Five, parenting is a team sport. Beat burnout collectively through daily moments of authentic connection. In a 2021 survey, 65% of parents and 77% of single parents

reported experiencing loneliness. That might be surprising from the outside looking in, but the often jarring reality for parents is, even with help, the mental load of childcare can feel so, so isolating. But while the workload is undoubtedly heavy, Vivek says you don't have to carry it alone. A lot of people are struggling with this. And when we could talk openly with other parents,

that's actually when we could not only feel more seen and heard, but where we could step up and start supporting each other. The former Surgeon General's parting prescription for America was to choose community. Because, he says, it's by building relationships, being in service to one another, being grounded by purpose, that we're all best able to weather any manner of hardship. This isn't groundbreaking, of course. It's a thing we inherently know and are acutely reminded of in the face of any major event in our lives or in the world, it's amazing what can happen when people band together for a common cause. But what Vivek is advocating for is a daily practice of this kind of community and connection.

And it takes a lot less than you think. For example, he and his wife make a conscious effort to spend less time on social media and more of that daily downtime checking in with friends or family. Be it a quick phone call or even a last minute hangout at the house. We just needed to lower the barrier to having people come over. And we just started saying, you know what, just we haven't really planned anything. The house is total chaos. You might come and trip over something and who knows what will happen, but just come and just hang out with us. Bring your kid and we'll just figure it out together."

Community also means not being scared to ask for or accept help when you need it. And if you're a parent, you need help, in one way or another. Vivek shared with me at a time he was talking to a friend about feeling alone and struggling to reach out about it. His friend said to him, you know, your problem isn't that you don't have friends. Your problem is that you're not experiencing friendship. So you have people who if you reached out to them, they'd wanna be there for you.

People want and like to be helpful. But he's like, you're not giving them the opportunity to be a part of your life and to step in and help out in the way that you would wanna help out if they were struggling. And when I realized that, that my asking for help is not just good for me, but it's good for my friends and it's a two-way street, that really helped me ask for help more. If you know you wouldn't hesitate to pick up your friend's kid after school,

why is it so hard for you to make the same ask? Another tip that I absolutely love here, don't always wait for the ask or an invitation to help. We need to volunteer and put ourselves like in other people's lives a little bit because nine times out of 10 when people need help, they're feeling shy and reluctant to ask. And when we reach out and are like, hey, can I give you a hand with this?

It looks like you might need some support, I'm here for you. That can make all the difference in the world to a parent who's struggling. There are endless ways to offer moral and practical support to your people. Set up a regular FaceTime date with your godson and stick to it.

Start a meal train for that friend who just had a baby. Surprise your bestie with a babysitting coupon, no strings attached. Call up your brother and ask if your niece could use a delivery of her favorite snacks. Service to others feels good to us too. And small acts of love or kindness don't just have to be reserved

for the people you know intimately. Why not spread it around when and where you can? Like the time Vivek was on the playground with his family and they noticed a parent torn between stepping away for a work call and keeping a close eye on their kid. I remember my wife just said, don't worry, we'll watch your kid. They said, it's fine, just go do your call, right?

Now it was no additional effort really from us, but it made such a difference to her and we felt really good that we were able to do something small to help. Reaching out to other people regularly and in real ways won't wipe away the mental load of childcare entirely, of course, but a burden shared is a burden halved, as they say. So a burnout shared is a burden halved, as they say. So a burnout

shared is a burnout halved, perhaps? Small moments, small acts of help make us feel like we're not alone, that we have people we can rely on. So in my mind, it's the small steps that make a big difference in how connected we feel. It's these small steps that help us build community. And the truth is, we all need community. This is how we were designed to raise kids. Not solo, but as a team, because parenting truly is a team sport. Alright, let's get you back to your kids.

Or your ballet class. Takeaway 1. Learn the line between stress and burnout. Take steps in the moment to cut it off at the pass. Takeaway 2. Don't underestimate the weight of invisible labor. It's a big contributor to parental burnout, and it's largely being carried by women. Takeaway 3. Rethink your recharge. Give yourself permission to be a whole person, not just a parent. And do your best to let go of that parental guilt and shame. Takeaway four, parenting is a team sport. Cultivate connection and community on a regular basis. That was LifeKit reporter, Andi Tagel. For more LifeKit, check out our other episodes.

We've got one on how to know if you're overindulging your kid, and another on showing up for teens when big emotions come up. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love life kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at life kit at npr.org. This episode of life kit was produced by Margaret Serino. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Mollica Gareeb.

Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keely. I'm Mariel Sagara. Thanks for listening.