Life Kit - How to explore your gender identity as an adult

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

If you're an adult starting to explore your gender identity, it can be tough knowing where to begin. Here's some advice from trans people to help you on this intimate and powerful journey.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody. It's Mariel Segarra. Today's episode is a love letter to any adult who wants to explore gender. It comes to us from reporter Kyle Norris. Kyle calls himself a guy with an untraditional beginning, and he began exploring his identity when he was 40. He doesn't use the word transition because he says it makes it feel like he started

life as one person and then morphed into a totally different human being. But that's not what happened. The way I do explain my experience is by saying I embraced my authentic self and began to make my body a home. Whoever you are and whatever words you use to describe yourself, you deserve to feel at home in your body and to feel free from all the gender stereotypes and rules out there about what clothes you're allowed to wear and what kinds of jobs you can have, whether you should wear lipstick.

So on the show today, Kyle is going to share some tools to help you explore your gender and express it in a way that feels authentic to you. There's this quote I love. Not knowing is most intimate. It comes from a Buddhist story where a monk is going on a pilgrimage. He's not really sure where he's headed.

And his teacher says, not knowing is most intimate. It's been one of my favorite quotes for decades. Because that place of not knowing, it's so real and tender. It's where everything starts. Also, can we put that quote on a t-shirt? For some of us, exploring our gender is reaching back into our childhood and returning to a young self-knowledge. For others, that inkling that your gender might be bigger than what you've been taught can be brand new information. Wherever this finds you, congratulations. Committing to knowing

yourself in deeper ways is really friggin' special. My heart is cheerleading with you and for you. And I'm going to use the word trans in this episode as shorthand for transgender, because that's how I talk. And I'm using that word as a general term for all various multifaceted and sparkling identities that fall under it. Identities like non-binary and gender expansive. And I'm using cisgender for people who with their gender assigned at birth. Let's hear from Amara Jones. I think that whenever we can be ourselves fully as human beings, that it's always healing because it's alignment and alignment is what makes life rich, right? Amara is a trans woman who started Translash Media,

an organization that creates content to shift the current culture of hate towards trans people. And Amara has our first takeaway, which is there is no one-size-fits-all to your gender journey, aka you get to pave your own way. That you get to take your time, you get to explore, you get to take your time, you get to explore, you get to change your mind,

you get to change your mind again, and to go through a process with yourself. There's not one-size-fits-all to being trans. Amara says exploring your gender really is a journey. For me, it was a put one foot in front of the other kind of process. And as I did that and gathered more information, a vision began to emerge of where I wanted to go and how I could get there. And it's one of the things I actually love about being trans is that our community is so broad and so diverse.

Amara says you get to go through your own process of interrogation and self-love and care. And you can start this at any age of your life. I think we have this narrative in culture that your ship has sailed. And I think that's cruel. I actually want to ask you to be compassionate with yourself and understand that it's taken everything to get you to this moment. And here you are. That's Alok Vathmenon. Alok is a gender non-conforming and trans feminine artist,

poet, comedian, and fashion visionary. Alok says there are very real outside pressures that can make it hard for trans folks to develop their own self-concept. There's been a multi-century PR campaign that tells us that if we express ourselves and cultivate a life around authenticity, then we will suffer. So it's better to remain silent, to remain still, and to fit into other people's ideas of who we should be. And look, that message that being trans is sick and scary is everywhere. You hear it in what people say, and you see it in anti-trans laws popping up all over the country.

So takeaway number two is about doing a personal check-in with how you're feeling. And if you're feeling afraid, know that makes sense, because you've heard fearful messages about being trans millions of times. And also see if some of that fear belongs to other people in your life. I actually realized a lot of fear I felt early on was not mine. So I'm saying get clear on your fear and lighten your load by letting go of the fear that others have projected onto you. I remember when I first started to explore my gender, people in my family were like, why are you doing this to us? They saw my practice of bodily autonomy and integrity as somehow undermining our collectivism or somehow leaving or departing them. But what I've learned over time is that the image of me that they were holding in my family wasn't me. And in fact, when I'm able to be my most Mimi, then I'm able to show up in a meaningful

way, not just a hypothetical or rhetorical way. Alok says transitioning is one ritual of becoming and about us loving one another and not ideas of who we should be. Plus, Alok says when cisgender people react negatively to trans folks, that's because it hits a nerve. They're reminded of ways in which they've neglected or squashed parts of themselves. Other people's projection is not actually your responsibility. Your responsibility is to show up and be free and loving in yourself. And other people are going to have reactions of you, good or bad. But that says often more about them than it says about you. And I am not making light of this hatred of trans people and just being like,

oh, flip that hate into positivity. Cisgender people's fear and hate and legislation puts our humanity and lives at real risk. But what I am saying is pivot away from that fear and hatred and pivot toward the knowledge you have of yourself, because that's your foundation of truth on which you're going to grow. One of the ways you can nurture that self-knowledge is by remembering a younger version of yourself. And what made your heart light up back then? That's takeaway number three. It comes from Amara, who says, tap into your inner child. It's like that child who never got to be themselves is still very much in there. He, she, or they are still very much in there. And once you reconnect with them,

that voice, it will actually guide you through the adult world for the things that feel right. Dive into the archives of your memories and remember the things you loved and gravitated towards that perhaps you weren't fully allowed to embrace. As for Amara, it was all about Wonder Woman, who captivated her as a child. Amara started by watching a bunch of Wonder Woman reruns. So like going back and doing a deep dive, like what was I drawn to? Why was I drawn to this person? What is her origin story? As she studied what she loved about Wonder Woman, she'd ask herself, what does that mean for me now? What does that mean for how I want to be in the world? What does that mean for what I want to do? She says, try to remember the things that would excite your younger self,

like what foods you enjoyed, what colors you loved. Amara says all these things lead to that person being resurrected. As you sift through these older versions of yourself, some grief might kick up. Especially when we remember the parts of ourselves that were denied. Here's Amara. Whoever that person was, they brought you to the point where you could be who you really are. And so a part of that is mourning that person and letting that person go and mourning the life that they had. She says transitioning can bring loss of friends, partners, a community, or identity. And while you do lose things, you also gain things, like new connections,

ways of understanding, and experiences. I'd also say loss is part of life, and part of any human experience, trans or not. So how do you take your first few steps? Alok has an idea, and that's takeaway number four. They say experiment with small acts of permission. Experiment with freedom. Try it out. Small things. Small acts of permission. Alok remembers to when they were not yet comfortable wearing a full dress outside. So what I'd do is, in the privacy of my own room, I'd put on lipstick and then I'd look in the mirror and that would be sensational. I was like, I can't believe I'm someone who is putting on lipstick. This is so much for me.

And so I'd stay there for a week or two. And then on top of the lipstick, I'd wear a blouse that I wanted to wear. And this is all for an audience of one at first. And so it's just really about assessing your comfort level and then slowly, gently dancing with it and allowing yourself to be expansive and coming back to yourself. None of this is an act of the head. That's Amara.

This has nothing to do with the head. This is all about gut and instinct. And so with gut and instinct, you have to do things in order to know how they feel and to see if they feel right. You know, we learn by doing. She says as you carve out tiny areas of freedom, you create tiny areas where you can breathe. And Amara says make sure you do this in a place where you're safe. And while you're in your space exploring with clothing and makeup and ways to shapeshift your body, remember, you get to change your mind. You get to evolve. Play around with the language you use to describe yourself and pronouns and names.

Alok says, as you explore your identity, ask yourself, what makes me feel joy? For me, it was less about objects as it was about sensations, like what it feels like to be called beautiful versus handsome hit different in me. And I would begin to, you know, say to my friends, it really means a lot to me when you call what I'm wearing beautiful. And so I think it's about a recalibration here of not just what doesn't cause us harm, but what actively brings us joy and delight. Science teacher Matt Rice found support in an unexpected place. He transitioned 30 years ago and describes himself as kind of a schlubby older white dude, gray beard, no hair, pattern baldness, glasses, the usual school teacher looking kind of guy. Matt was working

at the Lone Star Saloon in San Francisco, a popular bar for men in the bear community. You know, guys who are larger and hairier. Thank Grizzly Adams. And the bears, more than any other group of queer people, came through for Matt. I once explained to someone it was like having 1,500 grandmothers who would come up to you every week and be like, oh my god, you look so cute. Look, your facial hair is coming in. Oh my gosh. And it was absolutely pure, true love and support of me. The Lone Star gave its employees affordable health care, which paid for Matt's medical transition. And the Bear community took Matt under their wing.

And they invited me to things. And, you know, we, every Thanksgiving and every Christmas, we always had food for our little community of people who may not have had anywhere else to go at the bar. And so we were always there. You know, in the summertime, when we would close the bar for one weekend and we would all go to Palm Springs together, I was included. It was a clothing optional resort in Palm Springs. And they said, come on. And as if there was no difference in me and anybody else. So how do you find support? One idea is to connect with people who have been in a similar boat.

Alok suggests going back in time and connecting with trans people from the past. You know, your ancestors and read about LGBTQ history. I grew up with the narrative that people like me were new. And that is not only factually incorrect, it's traumatizing. Because when you deny people their access to ancestry, you make them feel as if their pain is unprecedented. And what I learned is that there had always been people who suffered because they had the decency

and the dignity to template beauty, by which I mean being themselves. And so that gave me a deep sense of community and fellowship even, that I was part of a long-standing tradition, that there were people who fought so intensely so that I could be here, and that in many ways I was living the continuation of their unfurling dream. Of course you can also connect with trans people on social media. It can be nice to follow folks with similar identities, so that could be people who share your age or race or veteran status. You can also meet real live trans people in support groups, virtually or in person. And if you're looking for in-person groups, reach out to an LGBTQ center in your area because they can usually suggest some.

Finally, connect with trans people already in your orbit. Ask your friends because they can usually suggest some. Finally, connect with trans people already in your orbit. Ask your friends if they know trans folks you can talk with. I did this and ended up chatting with half a dozen trans folks and they were just one person removed from my social circle and they all shared their wisdom with me. Okay, so to recap, here are five takeaways to help you explore your identity. Number one, exploring your gender, it's not like a muumuu. There is no one size fits all. It's really your own unique journey. And while you're in good company, you get to forge your own path.

Number two, get clear on your fear and who it really belongs to. There are a lot of messages from the outside world and people in our lives that being trans is bad. Pivot away from that fear and hate and pivot toward the knowledge and love you have of yourself. Number three, find clues from your younger self. Sift through some old memories of what you loved as a kid because this information can help guide you to wholeness as an adult. Number four, experiment with small acts of permission. Try on clothes that have been calling your name. Play with new language and words when referring to yourself. Number five, find support from people in your life who love you for the you you are and the you you are becoming.

On your journey, Amara Jones says there will probably be some ups and downs. But the only way you're going to get there is to go through the moments that are excruciating. And if it is excruciating, that doesn't mean that you're going to get there is to go through the moments that are excruciating. And if it is excruciating, that doesn't mean that you're wrong. She says we tend to imply that if you're in pain, it's because you're bad or there's something wrong with you. No, there's probably something wrong with the society that you live in. And ultimately, though, you're going to be able to find a place that accepts you and loves you and where you're able to be yourself. And the only way you're going to find that is to literally stay in the ring. There's no other way to get there. Plus, you're the only you out there and we need you. Your authenticity,

brilliance, perspective, and joy. 1,000%. 1,000%. and joy. One thousand percent. That was audio storyteller, producer, and reporter Kyle Norris. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one about how to do meal prep on a budget and another on how to go through a friend breakup. You can find those at npr.org slash Life Kit. And if you love Life Kit and you just cannot get enough, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash Life Kit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Mia Venkat.

Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan. And our digital editor is Malika Gareeb. Megan Cain is our supervising editor. And Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, Sylvie Douglas, and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from Valentino Rodriguez-Sanchez. I'm Mariel Seguera. Thanks for listening.