Life Kit - How to squash negative self-talk

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

Being self-critical comes naturally for a lot of people. It's easy to focus on the one bad review or the tiny flaw in an otherwise perfect presentation. Psychologist Joy Harden Bradford walks us through some strategies to quiet down those negative thoughts, including how to monitor and interrogate your negative self-talk and replace it with positive self-talk.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Thank you. your support will help keep the good advice coming. Go to donate.npr.org slash life kit to get started with your donation. Again, that's donate.npr.org slash life kit. And thanks. This is NPR's Life Kit. I'm TK Dutece. As an audio producer and host, I spend a lot of time finding the positive when I talk to other people, and I love it. One of the best and easiest parts of this job is having quality conversations with interesting people and discovering all the good they have to offer.

But when it comes to doing the same for myself, that can be a lot harder. You know, that little voice inside our heads, right? Like kind of like the running dialogue we have is self-talk, right? So we all have some version of self-talk. The only issue is that a lot of times that self-talk tends to be very critical and negative, right? So things like, I'm so stupid. I never get anything right. No one will ever love me, right? That's Joy Harden-Bradford, an Atlanta-based clinical psychologist better known as Dr. Joy. She's the host and founder of Therapy for Black Girls, a podcast and online space dedicated to encouraging the mental wellness

of Black women and girls, and one of my go-to places for a mental or emotional pick-me-up. You know, the interesting thing is that our negative self-talk often operates in extremes, right? Like, there's not a lot of gray area or grace given when it's our negative self-talk. It's so easy to be hard on yourself and so hard to give yourself a break, right? And once you get started, negative self-talk can become a dangerous, slippery slope. Dr. Joy says a lot of this harmful inner dialogue spurs from being too focused on the self instead of others or the world around you. If you walk down the street and like you feel like, oh my gosh, everybody's looking at me. You sometimes walk with your head down, right?

And if you actually looked up, you would see that nobody's probably really paying attention to you. In this episode of Life Kit, combating negative self-talk. We'll talk about ways to start silencing that inner critic and how to build up evidence for your positivity vibes. Let's go. I realize sometimes I don't just, what are the triggers, sis? Because it just happens and I'll be having a great day and one little thing can change it. And I start thinking, well, this thing didn't go well because I did this or I was not prepared. And how dare I walk into a room thinking, who am I? Who am I to walk into this room? Like, what can trigger negative self-talk? This is a really complex answer. And you know, there's no one answer. And it can come from a lot of different places. So the thing that I think is important to think about, though, is that a lot of times that negative self-talk, if we really peel back the layers, we can really trace

some of that back to early childhood experiences. A lot of times if we think about it, some of those negative messages, the voice is actually somebody else's voice in our heads, right? So maybe we have a very critical mother or very critical caregiver or somebody, you know, early in our lives and later on that will turn into our own internal negative self-talk. And so a lot of times that's where it comes from is that we've been maybe criticized as young people and we carry that with us into our adult lives. But I also think, TK, you mentioning this idea of walking into a room and like,

who am I to be this? Racism also and all of the isms really play into that, right? So this world is not necessarily set up for people who are not straight white men to succeed. And so we bring a lot of that with us because there are so many narratives about who we are as black women and other people in the world. And so a lot of that can travel with us and sometimes it becomes our own internal voice and we internalize those messages. Yeah, all the isms. These are things that we've been sitting with for years and years and repeated

talk from mothers fathers caregivers teachers um and then society tells us what they think of us why is it so quote unquote air quotes easy to talk gently to our friends and not ourselves why is it does it feel easier to help someone else through a negative self-talk moment and not myself absolutely you know because I think what happens is that when we are talking to a friend we're able to externalize all of that right like we're able to see all of the good things that happen and so even if our friend finds themselves in a tough situation like we have all of this other context that easily comes to mind and for reason, it's just very difficult to do that for ourselves. Right. So we can get, you know, we put out a podcast episodes and they're like thousands of positive reviews. But what do we want to get stuck on is the one person who said like, oh, her vocal fry, whatever. Right. And so, you know, I think that that is just like natural human kind of tendency. And so one of the really great interventions for this, which I'm sure we're getting to more, is to talk to yourself as if you were talking to a best friend, right? So when we

talk about things like self-compassion, we're talking about using the same kind and gentle language and approaches that we do with the other people we love in our lives with ourselves, because we're also people that we hopefully love, and so really how can we turn some of that kindness and gentleness on ourselves okay so now what like let's say I want I want to see this thing coming I want to head it off at the pass are there some questions I can ask myself like right at the top you know yeah yeah so I don't know that heading it off at the past is the idea because then you're kind of fighting against your humanity right you know so we don't want to ever try to work against what's just naturally there but what I do think is a good place to start is to really take notice of how much you're doing it so very early on we were talking you talked about how we often do it without thinking and so one of the

first exercises that I think could be really helpful is just to take a day or maybe a half a day and notice for yourself when that negative self-talk comes up, right? Is it around certain people in certain situations, a certain part of the day? And what are those messages? So what is the negative self-talk that tends to come up for you most often? So is it, you know, something related to your worth or your looks or your whatever? And really write down, you know, so just make a log of what kinds of negative self-talk do you find yourself engaging in, in any particular, you know, moment in time. Okay. And so like, that's like monitoring and that's a physical concrete thing

that you could do. Are there other actions or taking yourself out of environment people? Are there other concrete things that I could go do? Yes. So I think once you have the log, then it is important to see what evidence do you have to support these, these negative messages that you tell yourself, right? So I never accomplished anything. Let's say that some of your negative self talk. Well, do we actually have evidence to support this? Like, have you never accomplished anything or did you get a promotion last year? Did you get yourself up out of bed on time this morning? Right. So really looking at what evidence do you have to support it and writing that down also. So there's something about like physically writing something down that allows you to kind of see like okay this isn't actually true right and so again it's not about like stopping the thoughts

it's about can we slow them down can I talk to myself kinder and gentler like I might a best friend you know if your best friend gave you their negative self-talk log you would probably have all kinds of evidence to say like girl no this is not true about you right and so can you do some of that with yourself and it's and you know sometimes it does feel kind of cheesy and hokey. But again, you're wanting to kind of see, is there any evidence to support these messages that you do tell yourself? And it's important to kind of get into that habit, because when we do have like overly critical negative images and messages to ourselves, it can impact our mental health. Right. So, you know,

you see things like anxiety and depression increase when we are telling ourselves negative things about ourselves, right? You see, you might not be as motivated or you might not go after that thing that you really want because you're feeling like, oh, I never can do anything right. And so it is really important for us to kind of really manage and take good care of ourselves in this way. So it sounds like the key is really disputing. You have to be your best lawyer to yourself. Exactly. And let me tell you, Doc, I got receipts on myself. I look at them and we got the new year coming up.

I can't wait to write up my receipts for 2021 and into 2022 because I will be honest. I was struggling last week with some work stuff that also is like life stuff and work stuff for me. And I said to myself, no, no, I am a delight. And I am good at this because of these reasons. And guess who I get to talk to next week? Dr. Joy. You know what I'm saying? I'm not getting these high quality interviews for nothing. So I got to be my best lawyer. So I appreciate that.

My favorite example of this is Mary Jane Paul from Being Mary Jane, right? And she had all those sticky notes in her mirror and all of that. Like putting up affirmations and kind words for yourself. There's nothing wrong with like reminding yourself every now and then like i can do this or you know sending yourself voice notes so that you hear throughout the day like i'm worthy i deserve to be in these spaces you there there are so many awesome um like affirmation tracks especially done by black women like tracy g has this incredible series that she calls um I think, audio vision boards, where it's like these affirmations set to music. So if you need help, you know, kind of reminding yourself like there's nothing wrong with using some of those resources to to just remind yourself and affirm yourself when you feel like you need it.

So now I'm on therapy. I.G. right. Real hard. I read the memes. I repost them. I look at the YouTubes. And I love it. I take what I can. But some of it is just hard for people, I think, also to accept because it comes across a way. It comes across, you know, there's like a little bit of cheese there. How do we cut through the

cheesiness of all the like esoteric, self-healthy stuff to like be really able to receive what's being said here? So I think, you know, TK, you bring up a really interesting conversation. And that is probably not the point of this entire podcast. But I do think it is really important to be very careful with like the kind of messaging you're taking in from social media. Right. And so while I think, you know, there are clearly lots of therapists who are offering great insights and, you know, great resources. I think it can be overwhelming. Right. Because I think when you're constantly like absorbing these memes and like, oh, what do I need to fix about myself all the time? You really are starting to sometimes see yourself as like somebody who's like broken. Yeah. And right. So so in some ways, the thing that you were wanting to get help with, you're now more harming yourself because you're taking in all this information about what you could be doing better.

Right. And so when we're already somebody who is struggling with negative self-talk and kind of in a place of like, oh, I never do anything right. The last thing that you need is like a bunch of social media accounts kind of telling you like, yes, you are doing it wrong. Right. And so I think it's really important to make sure we're auditing, you know, how much time we're spending on social media and what kinds of information we are consuming from these platforms, even if it is helpful. It's just not good to kind of constantly be in a place of like looking at all the things you could be doing better, as opposed to like, I'm good enough as I am, even if there are some things that I want to work on. All right.

And I, and I feel like this kind of takes me to my next place of like getting us more down and more down and we get to a darker place. And sometimes I find myself, I get to that. I call it the third level of darkness. And it's even now hard for me to accept affirmation from you, from a person, from a loved one. How do I accept affirmation in that third level of darkness?

Yeah, so first, I think it's really important to try not to get to the third level of darkness, right? And I think that sometimes what's happening is that people are way too focused on self, you know, and that is something that a lot of times happens with like depression and anxiety is that we feel like people are paying way more attention to us than they actually are. And so that's what I think what's happening on social media too, is that we become just way too self-focused. And so it gets really hard to kind of pull ourselves out of that. And even with affirmations, you know, I think we have to be mindful of the language that we use, because if you are somebody who's struggling with feeling good enough, right, an affirmation that says, I am great, or I am the best thing since sliced bread, you know, like that is not going to feel

achievable or realistic to you. And it can actually make you feel worse about yourself. And so, you know, using language like I can be a half percent better today or, you know, like I can do one more thing on my checklist today than I did yesterday. Right. So setting yourself up for success, even with affirmations, I think is really important. I was going to ask if there's a template for positive self-talk, but you said, you know, like we can't just be out here triggering ourselves talking about, I am great. I am the best because that might be too much. Can you, right. It might be too much. You have to know where your own baseline is right now. Some, that might work for some people, but if you're somebody who's struggling a little bit more with feelings of self-worth or whatever, then that may not feel

realistic. That may feel like a costume that you're putting on. What we're wanting is something that you actually feel like you can grow into. So I commit to loving myself a little bit more each day, or I commit to doing my best each day, or I'm better than I was yesterday. Like those kinds of things that feel like graduated steps may be a more realistic approach for you. Dope. Are there some activities or things, like literal things I could go out and do to get out of my head to just take a break from myself so that I could get back to myself so I could be kinder to myself?

Yeah, you know, like going back to our earlier conversation about sometimes, you know, how it feels like we are just way too self-involved and like always thinking about what we need to be fixing and all of those things it can be really helpful so there's a lot of research that talks about how doing things with your hands really can help to kind of break that like okay perseverating is what they call it like just obsession with yourself and so things like gardening if you're into that or something like knitting or a coloring book a lot of people also really enjoy things like playing, if you're into that, or something like knitting or a coloring book. A lot of people also really enjoy things like playing with Play-Doh. Right. So that's something that can sometimes remind us of like maybe pleasant childhood experiences or, you know, just kind of trigger that childlike part of your brain that we sometimes shut off as adults.

And so doing things like that can be really helpful. I also think that as much as you can, just being outside and like observing what's happening. So if you feel comfortable taking your shoes off and like putting your feet in the ground, or if you're near water, you know, being able to hear waves or hear the waterfall, anything that you can do that really connects you to like the fact that there's something bigger than us can help be a really helpful way to kind of, you know, just shift your perspective a little bit so that you're not so focused on yourself. Thank you so much. Yeah. All of the above. Yes. Have you ever spoken to yourself with less kindness than you deserve? Have you ever had that?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, you know, TK, I think, you know, in some ways, like doing the kind of work that I do now is very different than the work that I was trained to do. Right. Like, you know, so I'm still a psychologist, but like there was no class on podcasting. There was no class on, you know, like a lot of the things that I'm doing. And so I think in a lot of ways, like my, you know, I've had to be very mindful of like negative self-talk as I've like progressed in my career. Right. And so I think that is something to think about is that how sometimes when you are stretched beyond your comfort zone, some of that negative self-talk can spike.

You know, when we're stressed, when we're anxious, when we are, you know, experiencing other things, it's very likely that, you know, you will see some spikes and increase in your negative self-talk. Ooh, girl, I just had to know because I think people think the doc is, the doc got it all figured out.

No, absolutely. Who of doc got it all figured out no absolutely no who of us has it all figured out I mean seriously none of us you know so I think again you know you mentioned with social media like we're kind of always comparing ourselves and we have to remember that you know we probably take 25 different pictures at least before we find the one we're going to show on social right you know and so what you're what you're measuring yourself sometimes too is not a full picture it is a snapshot a moment in time and so comparing yourself to like this one photo or one story you see on instagram is really not giving you the full picture okay if you had to sum it all up what would be like a three-point action plan for combating negative self-talk. So first we want to monitor, right?

We want to monitor and keep a log of what kind of negative self-talk we're having. So if you could just pick a half day and notice when that when those thoughts come up and write those down, that would be step one. Step two would be to dispute. So like we talked about, like, can you collect evidence on whether these things that you're telling yourself are actually true? Or do you have evidence that actually does not support these thoughts? And then step three would be to affirm, look at what kinds of ways you can put positive and affirming messages in your environment, what kinds of things can you say to yourself, sometimes it really helps to have affirmations recorded in your own voice, because then your brain doesn't know if that's you speaking in real time, or it's a recorded message, right? And so there's something I think about,

like recording voice memos of, you know, kind and positive things that you can say to yourself and have it for when you feel like you need it. Oh, my phone, I'm about to blow up my own phone. I can't wait. Just a reminder, if you love and appreciate Life Kit, go to donate.npr.org slash Life Kit to get started with your donation.

Again, that's donate.npr.org slash Life Kit. Thanks again to Dr. Again, that's donate.npr.org slash life kit. Thanks again to Dr. Joy for talking to us. I really needed that. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on how to start therapy featuring Dr. Joy, a two-part episode on the art of showing up for yourself and others,

and lots more on everything from finance to parenting. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love life kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. And as always, here's a completely random tip. Hi, my name is Jenny Pompilio in Portland, Oregon. And my life hack tip is every year, our holiday photo, I keep an extra one. And for the first few years, I put it up as a Christmas ornament. But then eventually, now that my son is 15, I strung them up on a garland. So now every holiday season, I get to pull the garland out and it's like going down memory road. That's my life hack. I hope people can use it. Thanks.

If you've got a random tip or an episode idea, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us a voice memo at lifekit at npr.org. This episode was produced by Andy Tagle. Megan Cain is the managing producer. Beth Donovan is the senior editor. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Janet Ujung Lee, Sylvie Douglas, and Audrey Nguyen. Beck Harlan is our digital and visuals editor. I'm TK Dutes.

Thanks for listening.