Life Kit - Life Kit Talks LDRs: All About Long-Distance Relationships

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Maybe you're trying to make it work with a partner in another state. Or maybe your best friend lives across the country. Long–distance relationships are tough, whether they're romantic or not. In this episode, a marriage and family therapist offers advice.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

This is NPR's Life Kit. I'm Ruth Tam. Long-distance relationships are generally not anyone's first choice when it comes to dating, marriage, or some other form of partnership. But these days, it's increasingly common to find yourself in a long-distance relationship, whether it's because of work or school or a forced separation involving immigration, incarceration, or even a global pandemic. Oftentimes when you think about a long-d distance relationship and just knuckling through and just kind of pushing through all of the barriers and everything, like you don't want to look at any relationship that way. Like if your relationship was not long distance and it was very local and

in person, would you say, oh yeah, I'm just knuckling through? That's Keandra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, who says that even though you're apart, you should still be growing. You should be growing as an individual in your relationship, but also collectively. And if you're finding yourself not doing that, you need to reevaluate. So in this episode, how to make the most of long distance relationships and not just muddle through it. Because today's technology can help bridge the space between you and your loved ones, but it can't do the hard work of maintaining a relationship for you. I think that these days, a lot of people think that

it's way easier to be in a long distance relationship now because there are so many tech tools at all of our fingertips. There's texting and social media and video chatting. Do you think all of these tools at all of our disposals, does that actually help or does the possibility of constant communication mask some of our common relationship problems? I think long distance relationships are difficult, but I do think that technology and all of the different apps and social media and the things that are available to us make it easier to have healthy relationships long distance, right? So I just think that people should keep that in mind and don't be a one-trick pony, right? Like use different modes to communicate with your partner,

not just only calling, but using text messages, using audio messages, video chat, right? Using GIFs, social media, DMs, like literally doing different things to keep it spicy and to switch it up a little bit. And also that helps you to bring that person into your world a little bit more, right? So I'm not saying that you should give your partner a play by play of, you know, hey, I'm eating breakfast. Now I'm using the restroom. Like that's not what

I'm saying here. But what I am saying is definitely bringing them into your world and saying, hey, I have a busy day today. I have a whole bunch of clients, but I'm going to call you on my break. Maybe we can plan a video or a dinner chat later virtually or video, you know, like incorporating all of these different ways to communicate. Because when you're so far away from one another and you may not see that person for a long time, the same mode of communication can get very boring. I think that being present on virtual platforms can also be kind of draining in some ways. Like what if you're burnt out from a ton of virtual communication? Is that normal? You have to really gauge and curve how you're going to interact with your partner based on, you know, what their communication style is and what their preferences is. And just because someone has a preference, it doesn't mean that, you know, whatever they choose to do is wrong

or inaccurate. It just means it's different. Right. What other ways are there to build that connection if technology is starting to really wear you down? Are there creative ways or analog ways to be present with people now, even when safety and social distancing is still a concern? Yeah, I would honestly say either like an old school letter, like snail mail or like a gift. I bet it will put a smile on your partner's face to get a handwritten letter from you or typed from you or, you know, a cute little gift in the mail that's not, you know, too expensive or pricey. Yeah, I think when people send texts now, there's this expectation that someone is going to read it within maybe a couple of seconds. And that doesn't really require you to put a ton of thought into what you're writing.

You can be super casual. But if it's a letter and you know that someone's not going to read it for days later, it forces you to think, OK, well, what can I write that will still be true and impactful three, four days from now? Maybe that is its own form of showing affection, right? I love that approach. Let's move on to communication. You've mentioned a couple times that, you know, people have different communication styles. How do you go about setting expectations and boundaries about how to communicate, how to

show affection without making things awkward or like overly formal? I think ground rules and communication go hand in hand. Like you can't really talk about one without the other. And just like you would a regular relationship that isn't long distance, we have to get comfortable with having those uncomfortable conversations. So everyone wants to just make everything so light, but if it's something that's truly bothering you, or this is your preference, or this is what you desire from your partner, it's okay to verbalize that. It's okay to literally speak what's on your mind and say, hey, I prefer or I expect a good morning text. I expect a good night text. And there's

nothing wrong with that. That's just what you need to make sure that you feel safe, secured, respected, and loved in the relationship. And I'm sure that your partner has their preferences that you can kind of accommodate as well. And we're not looking for perfection here, but we're just looking to know that your partner cares about the things that are important to you and they're finding ways to incorporate that. Like if you constantly say, hey, I need for you to check in at least every other day

with me, whether that's via text or on the phone and they don't do it and they go a week or two without talking to you, you're gonna feel like that partner is not really respecting you or you're going to feel like that partner is not really respecting you or you're feeling unloved and undesired. And so it's okay to have these boundaries and these markers and these expectations because when we don't, we just basically default to assumptions. And when we start to assume things, we know that that doesn't really land

us in a good place. And so I want everybody to avoid those assumptions and get back to the basics of communication, which is actually stating your thoughts and feelings and not thinking that your partner is a mind reader. How often should couples try to see each other if they're apart? To be honest, I think that it depends on the distance. For me, my preference will be at least seeing this person once a month if they're more local, whether you can like literally catch a flight and be there in a few hours or drive in a few hours, or at the max if they're super far, right? Like 90 day fiance in a whole different country type of situation, maybe once every three months. And I

know that that might be spread out for some people, but you have to factor in people's jobs, their money situation, if they have children, rearranging schedules. I mean, it can be very difficult, but if it's a drive away, like you want to see that person as much and as frequently as possible. So you can make sure that you're kind of building that, not just a physical connection, but that emotional connectivity as well. Yeah, and quick note, we should say that given the pandemic, always check your local travel restrictions and your partner's travel and quarantine restrictions before you make plans to visit. Safety first. With that in mind, obviously we're all living under a pandemic right now, but there are many couples who are separated

because of immigration issues, incarceration, military deployments. So to that note, I have a question from Charmaine Runez in Chicago. How do you navigate the uncertainty of not knowing when you connect to each other? Honestly, there's no easy way to manage what it looks like to be away from your partner with an uncertain timeframe, right? Especially if you're in the military, like this is probably a reoccurring thing for you anyway. But I think it's probably one of the hardest things that you will have to do. Try to focus on what you can do. Just because you want something to change doesn't mean that it will. So focusing on the tangible and just trying your very, very, very, very best to stay with your partner in the

most connected way as possible. Whether that is deployment, whether that is imprisonment, whether that is whatever, like you said, immigration issues, try to stay in contact with your partner and build that connection if you guys are going to plan to stay together as much as possible. So doing those small things, social media, over-communicating, having common goals, creating those boundaries, having these ground rules,

checking in sporadically, virtual dates, snail mail, trying to do those just to kind of like make sure you're bridging the gaps and not allowing this situation to overtake you. Is there any replacement for physical intimacy, like kissing, cuddling, or even sex? How do you sustain that part of your relationship when you're away? I mean, the best thing is like to get it in person. The next best option would be virtual video chatting, right? And so if you may not be in your partner's presence, but you still want to be sexual or do something along those lines, you can use video chat to make sure that you are engaging in some type of physical or sexual activity with your partner.

Clearly you're not in their presence, but that's the next best thing. We oftentimes talk about, you know, physical or sex, but when you think about the different elements that a relationship needs, like emotional connectivity is just as important, if not more important than sex and physical. I would like to just head into a section that I call troubleshooting. Oh, no. We're just going to start off with some listener questions that are about some specific instances that may be kind of, you know, issues that might become bigger or thorns in someone's side. Here's one from John Kim in Arlington, Virginia. How can two people in a long distance relationship who tend to get socially exhausted

after a day of work stay engaged and not feel increasingly disconnected the longer they can't be together? Oh, I love this question. And it's actually in the opposite of what I was saying about like over communicating, because I think in this phase, like sometimes communicating probably as little as needed can help you feel more connected, right? Especially if you're already using technology and on video chats and, you know, Zoom meetings all day, every day, like you want to unplug at the end of the day, but you also want to connect with your partner at the same time. So what I would suggest doing is instead of trying to do all of these small communications over, say for instance, a week where you're just texting and just checking

in really quickly, how about scheduling something that is more meaningful during a timeframe when you know you're not going to be exhausted. So say for instance, you don't work weekends. And so a Saturday or a Sunday or Friday night might be a little bit more, you know, flexible for you and making that a priority and saying, Hey, I'm going to have a virtual date, or we're going to video chat. And we're actually going to talk for an hour, you know, or whatever the timeframe is just so you can stay connected versus like trying to do all of these small communications over the week and they feel very surface, right? And so I just think maybe less can be more for these people. I guess if you're running into issues, regardless of whether your relationship is a romantic or platonic one, you know, what steps should people take to repair damage when

you're apart? I always talk about the difference between maintenance and the difference between repair, right? Like when you maintain something over time, that means when you have humps and bumps in the road and things, you know, happen, you basically fix them or you try, you make attempts to fix them versus just waiting until the whole relationship breaks down. And now you're spending a whole bunch of money trying to repair the relationship. And I liken this to like a car, right? Like when you're driving a car, you will never, or you should not go long periods of time without getting your breaks done, without getting

your oil change, without getting tune-ups and all of those things, that's maintenance, right? To prevent your car from breaking down long-term. But if you went without any of those things, your car is going to break down and then you're going to have to spend a lot of money to get it repaired. So I would encourage people when a breach or an occurrence or a rupture happens in a relationship, address it as quickly as possible. Are there any issues that you think you would have liked to address in our interview just now? Or are there points that you would like to make that you don't think people are thinking about or talking about as they enter long distance relationships? Just don't stop living your life. You know, oftentimes I see people who are in long distance

relationships and that basically consumes their whole life. So know, oftentimes I see people who are in long distance relationships and that basically consumes their whole life. So when you morph into this home body, and I know we're all home bodies right now because of this pandemic and you should never make someone else your everything. Thank you so much for your great advice, Keeandra. This has been really eye-opening and full of excellent, juicy advice. Thank you. This is really good. Thank you.

Thank you. For more NPR Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have an episode on how to enjoy solitude and another on forgiveness, plus tons of other episodes on parenting, personal solitude and another on forgiveness, plus tons of other episodes on parenting, personal finance, and health. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter.

Also, we want to hear your tips. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode was produced by Claire Schneider. Megan Cain is our managing producer. Beth Donovan is our senior editor. I'm Ruth Tam. Thanks for listening. with civil unrest the pandemic and the economic crisis you want to know what's happening right when you wake up and that's why there is up first the news you need in about 10 minutes from npr news listen every day