Life Kit - Saying No To People-Pleasing

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

Constantly saying 'yes' to everything and everyone drains us of time and energy. This episode helps explain the roots of people-pleasing behaviors and how you can say 'no' more often.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

This is NPR's Life Kit. I'm Megan Cain. I'm the managing producer. For years now, I have identified as a people pleaser. I took so much pride in being the co-worker who took on every project, even if I had too much on my plate. I was also the friend who said yes to every happy hour invite, even though I knew I just really had to do laundry that night. But what could I do? I was a certified grade A people pleaser. This was my identity, right? I do think that the world does socialize a lot of us into being people pleasers. And people pleasing is a habit. That's Natalie Liu. I am a writer,

blogger, speaker, podcaster over on my website, BaggageReclaim.com, which just turned 15 at the weekend. Wow. They grow up so fast. I know. I know. I feel like it's approaching adulthood and I have to figure out what university it's going to go to. Natalie says people pleasing doesn't need to be so deeply intertwined with our identities because it's actually a habit. And while it's not easy, habits can change. You'd be amazed as well at how many people go, I'm just such a people pleaser, but they actually don't really know what that means or how that's showing up in their life. Whereas actually, it's like, if you can even cut back on people pleasing, you will find that life

is very different for you very, very quickly. For me, I'm in my 40s and I feel like I've entered a phase in my life where I care less and less about what people think or what people expect of me. It feels good. It feels so good. It's taken, you know, 40 something years to get. Our hope today is to maybe like speed up that clock a little bit, right? Yes, exactly. This episode of Life Kit, curbing people pleasing and how it's not just about saying no. So let's kind of just get a definition straight. Like what does people pleasing look like? What do people think it looks like? And what are some actually kind of like insidious ways that people people please, they don't even realize it. purpose is be good things, but for the wrong reasons. We suppress and repress who we are

to please others so that we can gain attention, affection, approval, love, or validation, or to avoid conflict, criticism, increased stress, disappointment, loss, and rejection. Yeah. And it's also, I find it can be a very sneaky behavior where, like you said, a lot of people think that people pleasing is you're a doormat and you just people walk all over you. But sometimes it looks like hyper confidence, right? Yeah, perfectionism is basically a form of people pleasing. On some level, you hold yourself to a very high standard likely an unrealistic standard because of what you think you might get or what it will help you to avoid and a lot of people pleasers are over givers and workplaces are full of people pleasers and you know who they are they're the

ones who always clean out the microwave they always clean out the fridge you know people pleasers are the one who will stay quiet and let somebody else take credit for their work. They will stay quiet because they don't want to be seen as loud and aggressive and demanding and rude. For a people pleaser, in situations where you are afraid of displeasing others, where your priority is to be liked, where you're afraid of rejection, you are going to find it very, very difficult to do what you need to do for you. You're going to

find it very difficult to have boundaries. You're very likely to go against yourself as a people pleaser in that instinct. So who do you feel like falls into this trap of people pleasing the most? Like who are kind of like the people who are prone to this behavior? I think that women are socialized to be people pleasers anyway. Particularly depending on which generation, like I'm born in the 70s. And as women, we are told as young girls, be meek, be mild, be kind and sweet. We are we're told that certain things are aggressive or rude or not feminine. And I wonder, too, I think about my friends and colleagues who are marginalized identities and how they walk through the world and how it's it's also it seems like a level of survival technique, too, for some people as well. Well, people pleasing is a response to old hurt and loss, but it is undoubtedly, without a shadow of a doubt, a survival and coping mechanism that we've learned in childhood, and then just continued on in adulthood. But you are also so right that

depending on your background, your culture, your race, whether you're from a marginalized community, you will also may have felt that you have to suppress and repress aspects of yourself or try to tone police yourself to fit in with the more dominant group. as you know I'm a black woman but I was born in England raised in Dublin Ireland you know traveled a bit but part of my people pleasing was also about 10 years of my education I was the only black person in whatever educational establishment that I was in and you don't realize how you consciously and unconsciously edit and adapt yourself to fit in so that you are less conspicuous so that you so that people see you as being acceptable so that you don't attract for instance hate from somebody and bearing in mind as children we you know feel things that don't make sense to us that don't feel good and we look for reasons consciously and unconsciously to explain why these might be.

Because, of course, we don't want to be in that situation again. So talk a little bit more about how people-pleasing can really work against you and why we're so drawn to it, even though we know it's not exactly a great thing. I mean, when you lay it all out, it's like, why do I even do that? I mean, I know why I do it. You're're just explaining why. But it is like, it's so insidious. Yeah, but it's the thing about survival and coping mechanisms that we've learned in childhood is that they become maladaptive, like we're not supposed to continue on with it in adulthood. So here we are, and we're like, Oh, well, I've got all the way through childhood into adulthood with this. This is how I get my brownie points. This is how I avoid this and that.

And then it becomes like this habit of diminishing returns. The thing about people pleasing is that because we are basically misappropriating our good qualities, it is very easy to take on people pleasing as an identity. And it's why I have had so many people say to me, okay, so I cut back on people pleasing, and now I'm just going to become like an a-hole, like everybody's going to hate me. Right. Yeah, it's the opposite just to say no every chance you can, right? Maybe that's too extreme. Yeah. And it's like, everybody's going to hate me. Everybody's going to abandon me. You know, I can't help it that I'm a good listener, that, you know, I'm kind and generous and all of these things.

I'm looking at them going, what? No, you can be a good listener and kind and generous and giving with boundaries. So if you derive your value and your sense of purpose from being needed, from going around and pleasing others, then you're going to be like, oh my gosh, I will be naked without this. Yeah, it's unsettling. It's a big shift. It's no small task to start to think about how you can pull back some of these tendencies, maybe on like a small scale at first. So let's transition into some strategies. So I'm just going to give you a situation here. So let's say I'm getting a request from a coworker. And I just know it's like not going to work at all, like I already know. But

I have this like siren in my chest going off. And I really want to people please and it's happening. What should I do in that moment? There is great power in the pause I say to people because you actually get to notice what you're thinking and feeling what's being asked of you and whether it's really appropriate for the situation and so just because a colleague asks us something it doesn't mean that we've got to turn around and be like oh okay then um but also like it's just a suggestion like it's just feedback yeah that's good that's a good reminder it's not a suggestion. Like it's just feedback. Yeah, that's good. That's a good reminder. It's not a court order. Like, oh my God, like I came along

and I asked you this thing. So get to it right now. And so we have to remind ourselves of that. Like, was this a demand? Because if we're behaving like it's a demand when a person has basically just made a suggestion, then we can calm down this inner dialogue with us. In those situations as well where people make

these suggestions about changing something it is actually okay for us to say do you know what we're very far down the road now on this and it is too late to be going and making a change like this yes in some instances depending on the context it works to give a brief explanation of why the change isn't possible because some people can feel as if they are being shut down straight away but I always say to people particularly when you're a people pleaser is you have to be careful of over explaining because then the person standing in front of you going uh okay like it wasn't that big of a deal. It really wasn't a thing. Yeah. And it's looking at well, what type of things tend to stress you out? If you don't notice, if you haven't noticed before, what it is that sets you off, pay attention to that. But also notice like, how are you feeling over the course

of the day? Do you recommend like a journal for like a certain amount of time? Yeah, I recommend like spending a week just observing. I say to them, don't judge it, just observe. See it as you're gathering intel. How many yeses, how many noes? People pleasers do not have many noes or even maybes in their week. But what you really want to notice is are there situations where before you've been like oh no I couldn't say no to that and then you do and it's like oh the sky is still up there I am okay like the world has not basically collapsed around me exactly and are there other ones in there that the moment that you thought about saying no to that you were filled with dread panic overwhelm shame whatever it might be that's what you're looking for once you've gathered this intel you then have an idea of okay there may be some small things that you can cut back because you know what we don't need to go

to 50 immediately but starting to actually cut back allows us to get a feel of what it can be like to be somebody who allows themselves to say or show no on occasion. So how do we say no? So what are some good starter kit templates that people can practice with to say no? Well, what I teach people is to recognize that there is such a thing as a hard no and a soft no and the reason why i say this is a hard no is is clear and concise not harsh it's just clear concise you know brief um so no thank you or you know thanks ever so much for asking but i'm not able to this week that's a hard no soft no's are where you give more of an explanation and where it's not necessarily you don't necessarily start out with no but you might start out with well i but i can't. So, but thank you. The mistake that people make with nose

is they get very, very fluffy, very, very detailed. And all the person wants from you is a straight answer. They're going to feel like, oh my God, like, have I done something terrible by asking this person to do this?

Or why is this person telling me like, oh, when my cat got stuck up a tree and then, you know, I don't have any clean underwear today. And it's like, mate, up a tree and then you know I don't have any clean underwear today and it's like mate I just asked you you know is it possible for you to do and so people can feel a bit overwhelmed by that or feel quite irritated or resentful with you for doing that and so we don't need to go so fluffy and over apologetic with our nose. So what's like a good, what's a good like quick, like non fluffy, soft. No.

Thank you so much for asking me to do this project. It sounds really exciting, but I don't have the bandwidth for it at this time. Elegant. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you thanked them. You know,

it sounds really interesting. Although please do not say that if it is not true, because if you tell people. Don't lie. Yeah, you still shouldn't lie if you're trying to say no. Yeah, there's actually a specific reason for that. Is that some people feel as if you have to compliment the person. And make out like what they've asked you is really, really great.

And that you would do it under other circumstances. Which means that if that comes up again. The person's going to ask you because you told them that it was great and that you would do it under other circumstances when what you really meant was actually thank you so much for asking me that project sounds really exciting but that's not my lane or that's not for me or whatever that might be and so we have to turn around and just be like i can't do that i don't want to do that most people not all but most people prefer to know exactly where they stand even if they feel a little bit disappointed yes they prefer to know where they stand it just saves everyone so much time yes and I feel like it actually um it makes

people trust you more yeah because you I think something with people pleasing that I've done is that I I want to people please because I want people to like me and to feel like they trust me. But then if they're just seeing that I'm kind of anxiously trying to move everything around to make everyone feel okay, then they kind of see right through that. And it just makes me a less trustworthy person or seemingly a less trustworthy person. I also say as well that part of the reason why we can benefit from pausing as a people pleaser is because we don't take enough account of what I call our bandwidth. So we don't really check our schedule. We don't check in with us and go, hmm, how is my day being going so far? Or how is my week? How am I feeling as a person? We just load us up. We just load it all on. And then it's like, okay,

well, I'll figure it all out later and suffer. I'll miss dinner. I'll work late. I'll just give myself a really, really hard time later on and let down somebody that I actually don't want to let down. Because that's another big thing with people pleasers is letting down people and missing out on things

that we actually do want to do because we've been too busy turning around and saying yes to stuff that we shouldn't so the whole bandwidth thing is that every single person has bandwidth their own personal bandwidth and that is basically our capacity to be do and have the things that we need and want so the reason why i encourage people to observe their week is because the more of our time energy effort and emotions spent being and doing things that we don't actually need or want to do is the less bandwidth we have so we're going around as people pleases spending up our bandwidth like it's just gonna keep you know you know, you know, topping itself up. But the way that we're spending our bandwidth means that actually we affect our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.

Yeah, I'm so glad you bring up this idea of bandwidth, because I think like you're saying, like people pleasing really kind of distracts you from yourself and your sense of self. And kind of these small steps, like you're saying, like keeping a journal, observing your people pleasing, learning how to say no, the soft no. It really helps you not just, you know, give you a little bit more time and energy, but it helps you just remind yourself who you actually are and what you actually want yeah absolutely because the a big thing that can change people pleasing for you is distinguish between desire and obligation because if something feels like an obligation uh that is something that isn't generally speaking going to feel very good for us. We're going to end up feeling resentful and afraid, possibly some shame, possibly some guilt around that. And so if as a people pleaser you can notice, do I feel like I have to do this or do I feel as

if I want to do this? But if we start to notice how much of what we're feeling is about desire, then we get to also understand, oh, when we're doing things that are based on a place of desire, which isn't always gonna be about things that we're like, you know, jumping around going, oh, yes, I can't wait to do,

but it's like, oh, I wanna do that. Like, that's who I am. I'm happy to give it, you know, that's fine. But when we start to notice how much of our life is about that versus a sense of obligation, we then have an opportunity to reassess and really look at, oh, wow. Like, we might look at our week and be like, jeez, I spend like 90% of my week doing stuff that feels like I'm trapped or obliged. Wow, this is why I'm anxious. Wow, this is why I'm anxious wow this is why I wake up

feeling you know this sort of sense of dread like I say to people if you do things from a place of guilt or obligation it is guaranteed to lead to resentment so all of this going around being nice and nice and doing all this people pleasing is also just covering up all of this hidden anger underneath and people pleasing as well and i don't know if you've if sometimes noticed this as well but it's about showing others how to behave so when we're like trying to be like employee of the year or girlfriend or boyfriend of the year or whatever it's like we're dropping hints the other person's like look at all of this stuff i'm doing why can't you be better at what you're supposed to be doing i'm a good person why can't you be a good person and if they don't deliver that's where the resentment comes in for yeah and say after everything i've done for you right yeah and that is like the calling card

of people pleases is that even if we don't necessarily say the words like after everything i've done for you there is this sense of i have been robbed i have been used i have been shortchanged taken advantage of and i say do you know what okay fair enough because of course if you're always thever, what does the other person have to be? The taker. Yeah. Well, I am very glad that you said yes to this interview because I think a lot of people

are going to get a lot out of it that you didn't have to give me a soft no. So thank you very much for saying yes to this because I really do think this is incredibly helpful and people really crave this information. Thank you so much for having me. It was a real pleasure to talk to you today. That was Natalie Liu of Baggage Reclaim. So let's recap. Takeaway number one, get some data.

Notice how you spend your bandwidth, that time, energy, effort, and emotion. How are you spending it? And yes, no and maybes? The next is notice the difference between wanting to do something and being like, oh my God, like the anxiety, the resentment, the frustration, like start to notice how do I feel when I sense somebody else's need or when somebody asked me to do something. Takeaway number two, understand your bandwidth and then learn to respect it. Start paying attention to what are my energy levels like today? How am I feeling today? How am I doing today? If you notice that you're not feeling too great, if you notice that your energy isn't too great, guess what? Don't load yourself up at the same level as you did the previous day.

Takeaway number three, learn the difference between a desire and an obligation. But when we start to notice how much of our life is about that versus a sense of obligation, we then have an opportunity to reassess. Takeaway number four, before you say yes, pause. And takeaway number five, learn the art of the soft no. For more NPR Life Kit, check out our other episodes. There's one about how to start therapy and another about living with uncertainty. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. And here, as always, is a completely random tip, this time from

Daniel Murphy. Have you ever gotten home from the store and realized your peaches weren't ripe yet? The trick is to put them in a brown paper bag and let them sit on the counter for a day or two. The bag holds in a gas that the peaches give off and causes them to ripen quicker. Check the bag after one to two days and they should be slightly soft and give off a really fragrant scent. If you've got a good tip, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us a voice memo at lifekit at npr.org. This episode was produced by Audrey Nguyen. Beth Donovan is our senior editor. I'm Megan Cain. Thank you for listening. Activist Aaron Doerr tells his flock of pro-gun followers on Facebook that he's tirelessly fighting for their Second Amendment rights.

But if that's true, why do so many pro-gun Republicans hate him so much? Aaron Doerr is a scam artist, a liar, and he is doing Iowans no services and no favors. Find out on the No Compromise podcast from NPR.