Life Kit - The sex ed most queer students never got

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

School health classes in the U.S. rarely include instruction about sex for LGBTQ students. Here's what it could look like if they did. (This episode originally aired in April 2021 and was updated in August 2022.)Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

A heads up, this episode includes discussions of sex. My name is Lily Quiroz. I'm a producer and journalist at NPR, and this is Life Kit. During the pandemic, I spent a lot more time holed up inside my house. I was really bored, so I did it. I downloaded TikTok. I didn't know what I'd find, but I didn't want to end up being another millennial fumbling my way through Megan V. Stallion's Savage remix or Benny's Super Lonely Dance. My For You page landed me on alt TikTok, where I found a fun LGBTQ plus community, something that I really missed from not being able to see friends or go to gay bars. I'm not sure what the algorithm was getting at when one day it started showing me

TikToks of queer people giving tips on how to have sex with someone with a vulva. But there I was, wondering, where was this information when I needed it? It's possible you took sex ed years ago, so you may not remember it well. But even if you do, could you come out feeling like you learned much? I went to school in Texas where the approach to this day requires educators to emphasize abstinence until marriage. And that's even if the school chooses to teach about sex. Growing up, sex was talked about as something that exclusively happened between a cis man and a cis woman. It was all very heteronormative.

Now, fast forward a bit. I'm thinking about having sex for the first time with someone who has a vulva. I'm excited, but I'm also a nervous wreck because I have no clue what to do. So, in an effort to save you from that panic, I present this crash course on how to have better and safer sex, regardless of who you're into. Hey, Life Kit listeners. regardless of who you're into. episode will enlist expert advice for one of your most pressing and intimate anonymous questions about life, love, and how to keep it together, all in about 10 minutes. The first episode drops this Saturday. Listen to Dear Life Kit from NPR. Before we jump into things, I want to say, don't feel bad about wanting to know more about sex. We weren't prepared to succeed in this area.

Our first takeaway is facing the facts. Queer people are intentionally left out of the sex ed conversation in the U.S. As of June 28, 2022, states like Florida and Louisiana have laws in place that explicitly exist to leave LGBTQ plus students out of the conversation. Other states like Texas, Mississippi, and Oklahoma include discussion about LGBTQ plus sex, but mandate talking about it in a way that stigmatizes their identities through what is often called no promo homo laws. This is basically legislation that prohibits educators if they speak affirmatively about homosexuality. That's Chris Harley, president and CEO of SECIS, Sex Ed for Social Change. Which, as you can imagine, is incredibly devastating for a young person who is queer. And it, you know, creates really unsafe environments for young people.

There's currently no national mandate for sex education in the U.S. So, depending where you grow up, you may or may not receive a comprehensive sex education. According to CECAS's count, There are only five states that specifically mandate comprehensive sex education. And that is sex education that is age-appropriate, evidence-based, culturally appropriate, and medically accurate. On the other hand, over half the states and the District of Columbia do mandate sex education, and a handful of states have policies that require sex ed to be inclusive of sexual orientation. Instead of the current scattered teachings, CECUS backs a more inclusive and comprehensive curriculum, which would include education about human anatomy,

healthy relationships, violence prevention, and more. This comprehensive kind of education has positive benefits. Hurley says it's proven to better mental health outcomes and reduce suicidal ideation among some queer youth. And it can help students understand their queer classmates' identities. We do have the research that shows that comprehensive sex education that affirms and is inclusive of sexual orientation, gender identity, and expression can reduce homophobic bullying and harassment, increases the safety of school environments for LGBTQ young people, but actually for all students. Instead, people from the LGBTQ plus community are being targeted in states like Florida, Alabama and Ohio through anti-trans laws. and more than a dozen states have proposed bills that, quote, seek to prohibit schools from using a curriculum

or discussing topics of gender identity or sexual orientation. In some states, the legislation also seeks to prevent trans youth from receiving gender-affirming care. According to a brief published by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, as of March 2022, 15 states have restricted access to gender affirming care or are currently considering laws that would do so. The attacks that we are seeing right now on reproductive rights is bleeding over into attacks on inclusive programming in schools, including sex ed, including LGBTQ affirming programs, including critical race theory programs.

And it's all part of this very conservative, regressive pushback on the advances that we've made as a society to be more open and accepting of one another. That, combined with the erasure of queer identities and sex education, leads lesbian and bisexual youth to experience a higher rate of unintended pregnancies when compared to their heterosexual peers. And with the Supreme Court's recent decision to reverse Roe v. Wade, the constitutional right to abortion no longer exists. So comprehensive sex education is more important than ever. Instead of shaming people for wanting to embrace their sexuality, Erica Hart says people should receive sex positive messages. Hart is a sexuality educator with a focus in racial, social, and gender justice. They also teach workshops on creating safer spaces for LGBTQIA plus communities and on something called radical sex positivity. Sex positivity to me is the end of the projecting of cis-heteropatriarchy

onto people, right? Sex positivity looks like actually dealing with the structures that have kept us from experiencing pleasure and moving in a way that abolishes them. All right, y'all. Our second takeaway is get to know your body and discover what pleasure feels like to you. So why do we even have sex? Well, for one reason, simply put, many of us enjoy the pleasure it gives us, right? And one of the best parts about it is that we can access a lot of that pleasure on our own. So set the mood, just like you might for someone you're interested in.

And have a date night to yourself. Explore every inch of your body. I'm not kidding. If necessary, get a hand mirror to explore these body parts. Young people should know all of their genitals. As much as they know head, shoulders, knees, and toes, they should know penis, vulva, breast, anus. HART also has another unique approach. They've assigned students to create 3D models of anatomy as a way to explore genitalia. And it has students really look at

some parts of anatomy that oftentimes are not talked about, like the internal and external sphincter of the anus and how they are super sensitive to touch and also have lots of blood vessels. So it's important to be sensitive to that area. There's not a lot of conversations around the clitoris and its only function, which is sexual pleasure and also the internal clitoris. Exploring your anatomy, how it looks, how it feels, and how it functions will get you one step closer to understanding your sexual needs and wants. It's also possible to discover you might not have any of those needs or wants. But if you do want to have sex, think about it. You'll benefit in more ways than one by accessing pleasure on your own.

If you find yourself having sex with someone who has the same genitalia or body parts as you, getting in tune with your body could be a win-win scenario. You can discover what you like and possibly even what another person might be into. If you want to learn more about pleasure, LifeKit also has an episode all about it and how right now is the perfect time to explore your body. We'll link to it in our episode page. Now, depending on what your sex history looks like, you may already know some of what you like sexually. Some of it might be informed by the messages you've gotten from society. It's a matter of just taking in messages that you're receiving from the world and seeing if they are fit or not. And if those messages don't apply to you, work on unlearning them. Hart says masturbation is a great tool for figuring out what you do or don't like.

There are many people who are in relationships with folks with penises that aren may not be as entrenched in some of the gender narratives and roles that can be kind of prescriptive around sexuality. So I think it can be a really amazing opportunity for us to explore our sexuality outside of those norms and patterns. It can also be kind of confusing because it could just be like, well, what do I do? Meet sexuality educator Melina Gioconda Davis, who also goes by their stage name, Melina Gaze. They are a performer and co-founder and director at Vulgar, based in Mexico City. Expanding our notion of what sex can look like is super important.

So what is sex? Well, to start off, let's debunk the obviously false notion that sex only involves a penis inside a vagina. And depending on what kind of genitalia and body parts you have, and what turns you on, the answer to this question will be different for everybody. That gets us to takeaway number three. Know that there isn't a singular or right way to have sex. Sex can be whatever brings you pleasure. Unlike what we've been told, it doesn't have to necessarily be physical either. We could have phone sex or like internet related sex where we're like having sex across a screen where, you know, we could be like touching ourselves.

Your idea of pleasure is unique. So they encourage you to create a definition for yourself. For me, it would be like pleasure-oriented experiences or interactions that involve some sort of arousal. You know, that doesn't mean that it has to end an orgasm. This last point is pretty important. Not everyone experiences orgasms, and not everybody wants to.

I prefer a definition that is inclusive of lots of different body parts, and those could be like a diversity of genitals, but it could also be other types of body parts. Like, we don't just have to have sex with our genitals. We can have hand sex. On top of that, sex can happen with whoever you want. Human sexuality is very complex, and you don't need to be tied down to any one thing. There's identity and there's also behavior. And, like, I could identify as a lesbian and still have sex with men if I wanted to, you know. And so I think it's important to empower everyone with the information that they need so that they can make decisions with their body and not assume that like identities

are going to be static forever. If a person claims an identity, trust that they know who they are. Throughout time, you can be firm that you are fluid and firm that you are not. You can also not know or not feel strongly about your identity. And that's also fine.

While I found the queer community on TikTok inviting, I also came across a lot of content that didn't affirm my lived experiences as a queer woman. You'll find stereotypes and inaccurate representations in the media that won't necessarily fit your own lived experiences either. So remember, you don't have to ascribe to that. Because sometimes we may see things that look affirming but actually aren't. And I would say anything that's like trying to police your identity, beware. For me, like the biggest tool of media literacy is like, is this actually affirming me and helping me or is this making me feel bad? Once you figure out what does affirm you, you can choose to throw a person into the mix and you can communicate with them some of what you've just learned.

But it doesn't have to be everything Erica Hart says. While it may feel awkward to communicate these things, you shouldn't feel any shame when doing so. If someone makes you feel that way, then maybe it's a sign they aren't ready to have sex with you. So think of it this way. You're basically providing another person with your guidebook, and they should provide you with theirs. As time goes by, you might get more comfortable sharing more guidelines. Also know that changing the guidelines is fair game. So our fourth takeaway is, communication should be ongoing with sexual partners to make sure everyone is comfortable and satisfied. Of course, consent

is part of this conversation, but it's more extensive than you might expect. It's necessary that consent includes what is informed, right? So you are informed about what you are going to be engaging in. And consent is also ongoing, right? So even if things are getting hot and heavy, you can stop at any time. Right. And regroup, have a conversation about that. Get more specific. Right. Specific is another value, another aspect that has to be included in consent. Right. I'd like it when you touch me there, but can you push a little bit harder? So don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for what you want. It'll only make the sex that much better.

And if you're in a relationship, it can improve that too. Listening is also necessary. If someone says no to a particular act, it's important to respect that. For example, if you want to try anal but your partner isn't into it, respect that boundary and move on. Maybe there's something else y'all could try, something that you're both comfortable with and excited about. Hart recommends Scarleteen's Yes, No, Maybe So, a sexual inventory stock list. This checklist helps you decide what your boundaries are, what physical and non-physical acts you're comfortable with,

what words affirm you, and more. You and your partner should go through the list individually at first. Then you can compare notes. If that's not your jam, here's another way this conversation can look. I think it's different for just about anybody, but I would say, you know, let's have a conversation about what feels good for our bodies. You know, I think that would feel good for me, right? I statements are important. Is that something that you want to do, right? Is that something that you want to engage with me in? And from there, based on the answer that you get, negotiating on what that looks like.

This communication also needs to progress if you continue pursuing sexual activities with the same person. As we've already mentioned, queer identities are not static. Bodies and bodily expression can also change. So it's good to make sure you and your sexual partners remain comfortable. So maybe this conversation looks something like you asking them if they still like their penis being called that, or if they prefer another name for it. If you want to dive further into what consent should look like and how to practice it, LifeKit has a great episode on this that you should check out. All right, we're at our fifth and final takeaway. Don't let shame or stigma prevent you from caring for your sexual health. Let's begin with STDs and STIs. We've come a long

way in the medical field, but Gaze says stigmas have stuck around. What are the misconceptions around STIs or STDs? Oh my God, there's so many. I think the biggest thing is that STIs make you dirty, which is just a terrible lie. And also I think the other one is like, if you get an STI, your sex life is over. Like, no, most STIs are curable or treatable. And it doesn't have to be like this mark of shame. Using barrier methods like a condom or a dental dam can prevent STIs in pregnancies, but they won't always be foolproof. So getting tested is another way to be on top of

your sexual health. Testing is super important. I think it's also really important to mention that access to testing in the United States is very spotty for a lot of people. You know, a lot of people don't have health insurance or they live really far away from a free clinic and they don't have a car. But testing is a really great way to know your own status, like know where you stand so that you can communicate that with other people. They say it's smart to determine where you land on what they call the risk spectrum. So like if we know we're risk averse, maybe we know that we want to use multiple forms of barrier methods and we also want to limit any sort of fluid exchange. That would mean like I just want to masturbate next to that person or I just I'm only willing to do hand sex with gloves.

Or you could be more risk-taking, whatever that may look like for you. So how often should you get tested? Well, there isn't a set recommendation because everyone's risk assessment looks different. Go to a trusted healthcare provider and work together to decipher your level of risk. Risk is not a moral judgment. It's kind of like a statistical equation. You know, like how many people are you having sex with?

Where? What type of safer sex methods are you using? Going to a doctor's office can be intimidating for a number of reasons. It might help to find a doctor who understands your needs as a queer person. And if you decide you want to get tested simply for peace of mind, just say, I'd like a full panel please. And that way they'll know to test for a full range of STIs. Finally, sexual health also includes caring for your mental, emotional, and physical health. Sexual health is intersectional. Sexual health is so much more than just STI prevention. I think it's mental health in relation to gender or sexual identities around the sexual encounters we have. I think sexual health has to do with general bodily

well-being. We're not just individuals, right? We're inserted in structures that go beyond just individual social structures like racism, like classism, like ableism. And those things impact how we have sex. They impact whether we feel entitled to our bodies or not. They impact whether we think our pleasure is important. They also impact the likelihood that we may experience sexual violence. Why is it that black trans women in the United States experience more violence than white cis women? There's an intersection of structural forces and personal experience there that has very real consequences for how people can live out their sexuality or not. Now, I know this is a lot to tackle. So how do we do it? Well, having these conversations is a start.

That means talking about sex-positive messages, learning about the benefits of comprehensive sex ed, and understanding the implications of legislation that is seeking to limit health care for trans youth. Again, many of us weren't equipped to thrive in our sex lives, especially not as queer people. TikTok or any other social media shouldn't be your primary source for sex ed, but I get that

we gotta take what we can get sometimes. I hope after listening to this, you're able to feel a little more confident in your sex life. Since we can't fit everything into this episode, and there are some things I can't say on NPR, I've compiled a list of additional resources with the help of our experts. We'll point you to some links that cover safer sex for trans folks and more on how you can explore your sexuality. Before we recap the takeaways, I just want to say, it's going to take time and practice. There may even be times where you're still thinking, what the heck am I doing? But have fun with it. You'll get the hang of it. Good luck. All right, y'all, let's recap some of what we've just learned. Takeaway number

one, sex ed in the US is severely lacking and not inclusive of LGBTQ plus students. Just like their heterosexual peers, queer people deserve to have safe sex. And that means being given the knowledge on how to do it. Takeaway number two, get comfortable with your body and discover what turns you on or off. Melina Gaze has one last bit of advice. I think when we're looking to explore our sexuality or looking to explore our pleasure, it's a really great tool to think of our explorations as like pleasure-oriented instead of goal oriented. Most of us have previously been fed a narrative that certain body parts are gross or that we

shouldn't access pleasure. But I think if you give it a chance, you just might enjoy it. Takeaway number three, society's heteronormative and patriarchal norms have always tried to define what sex can look like. But the truth is, there isn't a right way to have sex. You get to decide what you want sex to look like for you. Takeaway number four, whether it's before, during, or after sex, communication is important. Be upfront about what you want from your sex partner. And takeaway number five, sexual health is not only limited to our genitals, but also our body and mind. Don't let shame or stigma prevent you from caring for your sexual health.

For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on how to pick birth control that works for you and another on how to set boundaries with family. You can find these at npr.org slash Life Kit. And if you love Life Kit, like I do, and you want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. And now, a completely random tip, this time from listener Mark Harris. What was earth shattering for me was to save my coffee from the day before and put it into my oatmeal in the morning. And now I just brew coffee, especially for the oatmeal the next day. If you've got a good tip, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us a voice memo at lifekit at npr.org.

This episode was produced by Audrey Nguyen with engineering support from Alex Stroywinskas. It was edited by Mallory Yu with help from Nell Clark. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan. Our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is the supervising editor. Beth Donovan is the executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Michelle Oslum, and Sylvie Douglas. Julia Carney is our podcast coordinator.

Special thanks to Demi Brown. And a very special apology to my roommate Naomi for roasting you about TikTok. I'm Lily Quiroz. Thank you for listening.