Life Kit - Why writing a will and planning for your death is a 'lifetime gift' to loved ones

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Talking about death makes many of us uncomfortable, so we don't plan for it. But the reality is that even a small amount of planning ensures our final wishes are honored — and makes it easier on our family and friends. This episode will help you get started on making a will and an advance directive, even if you don't have a big estate.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

I'm Kavitha Kadosa. On this episode of NPR's Life Kit, we're going to focus on planning for the end of your life. I know, I know, it's not the most cheery topic, but I promise by the end of this episode, you'll see why it's so important. And if thinking about death or talking to someone about dying makes you uncomfortable,

you're not alone. Hi Angel. Hi Kavita. I don't know what feels more awkward, actually having dinner over Zoom or the conversation about death. What part feels awkward about the conversation? Is it just the uncertainty? It feels a little morbid, uncomfortable, like, I don't know, to a really bad pun, but unpalatable. Long silences, nervous laughter. I'm embarrassed by how awkward I seem. But Angel Grant is used to people squirming when talking about the end of life. That's exactly why she co-founded the project Death Over Dinner.

The dinner table is a very forgiving place for conversation. You're breaking bread together and there's this warmth and connection. Every dinner starts by lighting a candle and raising a glass to someone who's died. Would you like to go first? I want to raise a glass to my dad. He was amazing. He had five daughters, no sons. Wow. Yes, he was the most spoiled man ever. I want to honor two people this time. Maybe these conversations creep you out because you're nervous about becoming emotional. Maybe it just seems impolite or irrelevant because it feels

way off in the future. Well, here are some really good reasons to plan. You don't want your state law to decide who gets everything you own. Neither do you want a doctor you've never met to decide how you spend your last moments. Betsy Simmons Hannibal is a senior legal editor at NOLO, a company that publishes legal information and software. She says, think of planning for the end of your life like wearing a seatbelt. Like we all wear our seatbelts, even though we don't expect to get in an accident on the way to the store. It's just like something that we know is possible. So we prepare for it kind of

by habit. And we don't have that habit with estate planning, but maybe we could. Maybe we should. So on this episode of Life Kit, buckle up. Planning for death. We're going to talk about really practical stuff. Paperwork you should fill out and conversations you need to have. It's not meant to be legal or medical advice, rather a guide to ease you into getting started. Betsy Simmons-Hannibal says a will is not something you do only if you have lots and lots of stuff. Because it's not just about the value of what you own, it's also the feelings that you and your loved ones have about what you own. If you do own lots and lots of stuff, you probably need a lawyer.

If you don't, the good news is a simple document could do. Either way, if you're an adult, you should have a will. So take away one. Think of a person who you trust to take care of everything when you die. In most states, that person is called your executor. Hannibal says it's a good idea to choose someone from your family. The most important thing is that you have a good relationship with them and also that they have a good attention to detail because it's a lot of

work to be someone's executor and it requires a lot of patience and a lot of diligence. An executor would have to, for example, find all your financial assets and communicate with everyone in your will. It's a big ask. So Hannibal says, just be upfront. She suggests, would you be comfortable wrapping up my estate when I die? As direct as that. She says it helps to remember preparing for the end of life isn't really about you. You're never going to really get the benefit of it. So you might as well think about how it's going to be a gift, a lifetime gift that you're giving now to your parents or your partner or your children.

It really is for the people you love. Now, takeaway two, it's time to make an inventory of everything you own. Money in the bank, retirement accounts, furniture, books, all your digital stuff well that's really important so we'll get back to that in a moment but jewelry a car a pet yeah pets are considered property under the law so if you don't name someone to get your pet or to get your property the your state's law will decide what happens to your pet. So what you want to do is name your pet in your will and name a new owner for the pet. You can also choose to give them money to help take care of your pet. So yeah, I started with pets. I probably should have started with children. The same thing you need. Joking aside, if you do have young children, remember to name a guardian for

them. And remember, a guardian will make decisions about your child's schooling, health and value system. So it's really important you discuss it with them. Okay, so back to digital stuff. People keep a lot of their valuable property online these days, or even if not valuable, things that are really important to them. And if you think about what would be gone if your loved one wouldn't be able to get access to those things, it could be really devastating. So takeaway three, don't forget about all your online belongings. Think social media accounts, online photos, everything in say your Google Drive or iCloud, online subscriptions, dating site profiles, credit card rewards. You may have a

business on Etsy or Amazon that you need to figure out what to do with after you die. Hannibal suggests keeping a list of all those accounts and the login and password details. And you would have to keep that document really secure and your loved ones would have to know where that document is. And you would have to keep it up to date. Just as you write out specific instructions about who you want to leave what, be clear about what you'd like to have done with your online information or what you don't want done. So for example, you might have personal selfies or videos you don't want anyone to see. Maybe there's one person you trust to be able to access everything, and then you want that person

to kind of monitor what other people can see or use. And if there's something that you don't want your executor to be able to find, then you'd want to figure out how to keep that private, and you might need an attorney to help you do that. Hannibal says it's better not to have a handwritten will. It creates problems because it requires a handwriting expert to prove you wrote it. So keep it simple. Just type out your wishes, have two witnesses watch you sign and date it, and then have them do the same. Usually what people are signing, the witnesses are signing, is also that they believe that the person who made the will is of sound mind and that's a pretty low bar. So as long as you know what your property is and what it means to be making a will, that's usually enough to be of sound mind. If you want a guide, there's Quicken Willmaker and Trust that's less than a

hundred bucks or you can contact your state or county bar association for names of lawyers who do this pro bono. Hannibal says you don't need to file your will anywhere, neither do you need to get it notarized. Just tell your executor where you've kept a copy. Don't hide it or keep it in a safety deposit box. It's really much easier for everybody if you just keep it in a safe place at home where your executor can get it easily. Remember, your decisions will change over time. So if you have a child, revisit your will,

fall out with your sister, amend it, win the lottery, definitely redo all your paperwork, and you should probably hire a lawyer. Okay, so you're done with your will. That takes care of what happens after you die. And while none of us know when we'll die, there's a lot you can do to plan for how. But before we get to takeaways four, five, and six, all of which have to do with healthcare, let's look at a few reasons why. Dr. Jessica Zitter is an ICU and palliative care physician in California. She says coronavirus is making lots of us consider tough decisions we might have to make. COVID is putting a mirror up to all of our faces,

and it's making us realize that there is a reality that we will die at some point. And there's something about this shared experience of living through a pandemic that just makes it impossible to sugarcoat or to live in this fantasy of perpetual life where it's always going to be saved. She says in the past 60 or 70 years, we've become experts at keeping people alive. If someone's kidneys are not able to keep up, we can just say, okay, let's take the blood out of your body and clean it through a machine and put it back into your body. It's the same if your heart is really weak or you can't breathe. But while machines and medicines are

wonderful in many situations, most people say they don't want to live that way. Sometimes the very tools to end suffering become the source of suffering. As we start to use these more and more, we just assume that really everybody should get them for every possible intervention. And so we treat patients whose bodies may really have very little chance of actually recovering with those same machineries as we would treat somebody who had a very good chance of recovering, sort of indiscriminately. You know the saying, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now? Zita says, stop putting it off. These questions and these conversations with our loved ones and about ourselves and what we want, they were always important to have. That tree was always important to plant. But now we really have a reason to

really, really plant it. Really, really do it. That time is now. So by now, maybe you're thinking, okay, okay, I get it. Prepare for the end. Plant that tree. But how? There's a document called an advanced directive that covers health care at the end of life. We're going to break down how to think about advanced directives in takeaways four, five, and six. Dr. Pallavi Kumar is a medical oncologist and a palliative care physician at the University of Pennsylvania. She's treated lots of young people with aggressive cancers. Kumar says the most important medical decision you can make is to choose a person who can legally make healthcare decisions for you if you can't. Think about the person in your life who understands you, your goals, your values,

your priorities, and then is able to set aside their own wishes for you and to be a voice for you. That's takeaway four. Choose a medical proxy and a backup. You want someone you can trust who can handle stress. Because your loved ones will disagree on what to do and you can count on it being an emotional time, it's important to name someone who can carry out your wishes. Kumar remembers the case of a young woman undergoing chemotherapy who was very, very sick. She told her partner, who was with her at every appointment, that she was tired of suffering. But her mother didn't want to stop treatment, even at the end.

I think sort of it goes against all of the rules of the universe to watch your child suffer and certainly to watch your child die before you. And her mother said, absolutely not. You know, she she's a fighter. She's going to do your child die before you. And her mother said, absolutely not. You know, she's a fighter. She's going to do everything possible to be here. I know my daughter. You guys don't know her. I've known her her whole life. And it was really, really distressing. For everyone. In fact, there's research to show when a caregiver sees a loved one die in the hospital under circumstances they believe that person never would have wanted, they're in emotional pain for a long time. The psychological outcomes for those bereaved family caregivers at six months and a year after death, that these bereaved caregivers are still suffering from pretty severe depression and anxiety. There's even some data to show that

the survival for those caregivers is shortened. This is where it helps to think about how you want to die. That's takeaway five. There's no right or wrong. It's very personal. The document that helps you do that is called a living will. It's part of the advanced directive document we talked about earlier. Don't worry, you don't need to have a medical will. It's part of the advanced directive document we talked about earlier. Don't worry, you don't need to have a medical background. It just allows you to choose the general approach you want to take. So you may have heard about five wishes that costs five bucks that

will walk you through choices or ourcarewishes.org. That's free. Again, Dr. Zitter. Someone once told me her father was, she's an old, crusty Italian man, and if he said, if someone else has to wipe my behind, I do not want to live. The idea of him not being able to take care of his bodily functions was simply unacceptable. He would not want his life prolonged, even if he was completely neurologically intact. Sounds like my dad. Yeah. Many people feel that way. But there's many, many others of us, and I think I include myself here, who, if I was quadriplegic

and was able to recognize my kids and still have an intellectual and emotional relationship with people, I don't think I'd want to die. For some people, it's being at peace with God. For others, it's being kept clean. Still others don't want to be left alone. One of my friends talks about how important it is to have her cat on her chest if she's ill and in bed. And we know that you can't really do that so easily in a hospital. So that says that's a big piece of information right there. Even among patients who are very, very sick with cancer, less than half have had conversations about how they want to die. So takeaway six, and this is something I can't stress enough, is talk about your wishes. Once you've chosen your medical proxy and you've filled out the advanced directive forms, share your decisions with loved ones

and your doctor. Dr. Pallavi Kumar says the end of life is about much more than the medical aspect. When she knows a person's priorities, that helps inform her treatment plan. For example, if a patient says spending time with her family is the most important thing. I take that and I say, I am worried that this next line of chemotherapy isn't going to help you achieve those goals. And so I'm going to recommend that we consider either taking a break from chemotherapy or actually stopping chemotherapy to allow you to focus on the things that are most important to you. She says everyone's goals are different. For some of her patients with young children,

it means trying every treatment possible for as long as possible. They would say, if you're telling me that a chemotherapy could give me another month, I want that month because that's another month I have with my six-year-old. Even if the treatment is grueling and they die in hospital, Kumar says they're at peace because it means they tried everything. For other patients, they would say, you know, I've gone through a lot of treatments and I feel like with each treatment I'm getting less benefit and I'm not having as many good days with my kids. So, you know, if the disease gets worse, I want to spend that time at home. you were just in a big quake and you're surrounded by a rebel and death is imminent

what are you concerned about not having done yep angel grant and i are still having dinner we've gone through some pretty heavy stuff. What do you want to be remembered for? Have you ever witnessed a death that did not go? If you could have any musician play at your funeral, who would it be? Grant says thinking about the bigger picture can make smaller logistical details easier. And it turns out she's absolutely right. One of the things that's been so interesting to me has been thinking about death has made me reflect on my life. Yes. Ding, ding, ding. That's the magic of it.

And that's the part that I think people don't get going into it. We think it's going to be morbid and heavy, but what these dinners do and what these conversations do is they narrow down our understanding of what matters most to us in this life, which then gives us actionable steps to go forward living. you can't. Takeaway two, list out everything you own and decide what you'd like to do with it after you die. Takeaway three, don't forget all your online stuff. That's it. Now type out your wishes, sign it in front of two witnesses, and that's basically your will. Betsy Simmons Hannibal says, remind yourself again, this isn't to help you. You're never going to really get the benefit of

it. So you might as well think about how it's going to be a lifetime gift that you're giving now to your parents or your partner or your children. It really is for the people you love. Then we get to the next part, the healthcare part. That's the advanced directive. Takeaway four is choosing someone to give medical power of attorney to. Takeaway five is then thinking through different scenarios of what living means to you versus being alive. When you're done filling

out those forms, and this is takeaway six, talk about your end of life wishes with others. Angel Grant, who's led hundreds of death dinners, talks about having a good death. What does a good death mean? For some people, that's an oxymoron. A good death is subjective, of course. A good death is being surrounded by love, knowing that you have no emotional or spiritual unfinished business. For more NPR Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have an episode on how to talk to kids about death, another on how to start therapy, and lots more.

You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love Life Kit and want more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash LifeKit newsletter. And here, as always, is a completely random tip, this time from Rose Donoghue. Hi, I am staying with my boyfriend and his two kids during this time, and we have had a hard time staying off of our screens. So to encourage us to do non-screen related activities, I have implemented the magical mystery jar, which is filled with little pieces of paper with different activities and suggestions for fun things to do, like go for a walk or build a fort. I've also put in a few like dust and clean the living room, which are scattered between all of the very fun activities.

And we can do very quickly and then move on to pull a different fun activity out. It's been super successful so far, and it's a great way to get excited about a project that's fun for everyone and keeps us off of our screen. So that's my tip. I hope you all enjoy it. If you've got a good tip, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at lifegett at npr.org. This episode is produced by Andy Tegel.

Megan Kane is the managing producer. Beth Donovan is the senior editor. Our digital editor is Beck Harlan. And our editorial assistant is Claire Schneider. I'm Kavitha Cardoza. Thanks for listening. Comedian Nicole Byer has some thoughts on organized religion. 10% of your earnings going to the church is an insane thing to ask.

Like, that's how much I pay my agent and my manager. Do you know what I'm saying? And they get me jobs. The gospel according to Nicole. Listen to It's Been a Minute from NPR.