Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - How to Get What You Want in Every Conversation — Communication Mastery - Episode 140

Starting point is 00:00:00 What you see is what you get, but it's not always what is. So we're going to enter this space where we're going to look at alternative perspectives, which in a conversation is hugely important where we can not just consider what we're thinking, what our intentions are, but also the other persons. And if you get that right, that's how you master communication. Have you noticed that the world that we live in has been doing most of the thinking for you, that your beliefs, perceptions, reactions, fears, and doubts have been shaped by unsolicited outside noise? How easy it's been for you to slip into that default sleepwalking mode and label it as life and reality.

Starting point is 00:00:41 Yeah, that ends here. Welcome to the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast. This is your opportunity to start thinking for yourself, reclaim control, and step back into that role as the shock caller and dominant force of your own reality. It's when you change the way that you look at things, that the things that you look at begin to change. So let's wake up. Let's rise up. And let's make sense of why and how shift happens. Make sense.

Starting point is 00:01:14 Great morning, everybody. This is Dr. J.C., otherwise known as The Dragon. Welcome to another Make Sense with Dr. G.C. podcast. It is a wonderful January 26. The last January 26 of 2006 ever. Pretty interesting concept. the purpose of the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast, our whole makes sense ecosystem, our substack, our YouTube channel, the book that's coming out in February makes sense, how to rewire your mind

Starting point is 00:01:42 and transform your life. All of those things come from a lot of shitty times that I've been through that I have navigated and all of the tools that I have figured out along the way that helped me change the way that I look at things, thus making the things that I look at change. That's what's shared through all of my content. I often talk about the difference between what I call the jacuzzi experience. If you've been following me, you know what I'm talking about. The difference between what I call the jacuzzi experience and that of a pivotal experience, that illusion that we have the ability to create of productivity that we get from just simply learning something, this moment that you're going to have here today where we start to feel like we're learning something and we're

Starting point is 00:02:29 we're knowing. It kind of feels like we're moving forward. It feels like we're being productive in that sense. We get it when we feel inspired, when we get that dopamine hit of making sense of something. Like I might say something today that you'll be like, oh, wow, that's great. I get it. It makes sense. But at the same time, if you don't do anything with it, then it's just a distraction. So one of my favorite quotes is that learning and knowing for the most part is nothing more than a distraction. in the absence of action. A lot of people have what my great friend Jim Quick calls shelf help instead of self-help. So this is going to be different today because we're going to talk about taking some of the

Starting point is 00:03:12 things that we talk about here and putting them into action. So today is about moving from insight to application and about taking everything that we've been learning about, including things like emotional intelligence, self-regulation, mindset shifting. God, we talk so much about that stuff here. and putting it into play through real connection and communication. So today's going to be about communication mastery. One of my favorite topics, I love human behavior.

Starting point is 00:03:40 And as a result of loving human behavior, I love practicing it with people. It's one thing when you learn something about human behavior, your own or people that you interact with. But it's another when you go out there into the field of play and put yourself in the line of failure, the line of fire and failure, and see what happens. One of my favorite authors, because of that curiosity I have, is Robert Chaldeen, who wrote influenced the psychology of persuasion.

Starting point is 00:04:11 I highly recommend that book. That's what today's going to be about. And this is a part of my communication breakdown course that is being created, which is pretty much my life's work of learning how to listen and communicate and execute and perfect what I call ethical persuasion. Think about what that means, right? We never want to manipulate and persuade people unless it's in service to their needs. So if this is the kind of thing that you're into, I'll speak about it later, but you'll have the opportunity to come check that out. But have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking something like this? Well, that didn't go as expected.

Starting point is 00:04:46 I mean, I pretty much lived my whole life with my foot in my mouth. I'm not even sure why that didn't go as expected. Or maybe had what, you know, you felt like a, perfect, great conversation with good intentions, optimism, on alignment. It could be with your spouse or out there with your friends or even in business and networking. Everything seemed to be perfect. Your intentions were great. You were optimistic. You even thought that you were listening, like the best version of you with your communication skills was there, only to never hear from that person again. You just completely get ghosted by the person, you know? Isn't that interesting? So that's something that I'm just pondering right now. No arguments, no blowups in these conversations,

Starting point is 00:05:31 just unintended resistance. It's frustrating because you just all of a sudden say like, what happened there? I thought this was going well. And sometimes I find myself even with my wife saying something well intended and then having her completely misunderstand it and think that it had a tone or anything like that. We're going to be addressing that stuff today. And I hope that you'll walk away here with some really, really cool skills and tools that will dramatically change that. And what I'll tell you is that it's not typically what we think it is that's messing it up. And I think that's going to be your takeaway. So today's episode is a very, very small excerpt yet powerful share from my full spectrum,

Starting point is 00:06:13 what I call communication breakdown course. And that's going to be something that's launching inside what we call our Make Sense Academy. And that exists on the school platform. that's where we take all of this stuff and in a group format, just miraculous breakthroughs happening in there. But in a group format, we really seek clarity in our own selves and really, really become masterful at communicating. And that's happening in the Make Sense Academy and the course is going to be called

Starting point is 00:06:41 Communication Breakdown, which interestingly enough, when I say communication breakdown, how does that register with you? Does that mean the breakdown of communication? the breaking down of the elements of communication. You can see that's kind of shedding light on where we're going to go today is that what you see is what you get, but it's not always what is. So we're going to enter this space where we're going to look at alternative perspectives, which in a conversation is hugely important where we can not just consider what we're thinking, what our intentions are, but also the other persons. And if you get that right, that's how you matter.

Starting point is 00:07:21 master communication. So remember, it's who you are that determines how well what you do works. And this episode is less about the do and more about the who. So today is not going to be one where I'm going to give you scripts or clever lines. I mean, you might get a couple in there. No surface level techniques or anything like that. That stuff is in the communication breakdown course and it'll come later, but it's only going to work. This is the key. It's only going to when that mental clarity is achieved and that inner alignment is in place with yourself and also your understanding of people. So remember, it's who you are that determines how well what you do works. So I've done it all. And whenever I learn some sort of a communication strategy, I've read

Starting point is 00:08:10 all the books, I find that it's only when I'm my authentic self and I'm in the right headspace that I can execute. Because sometimes one of the best ways to communicate is to not, to do more listening than talking, which has always been my challenge, as you can imagine. So when most people think about the idea of effective communication skills, they think about what to say. That's what they're thinking about. And that's a big key right here. I know this because I've coached just thousands and thousands of coaches and clients, but specifically in the realm of coaching people with communication, they're typically coming to me with questions that kind of sound like this. They'll say things like, well, what do I say here? What would you say here? How should I respond to

Starting point is 00:08:57 this? And that's good. When somebody gives me a screenshot of a conversation they're having, and I get to read about it, what's interesting is that it's not always about what to say. And this is the key here today. The truth behind all of this stuff is that this is back by psychology, by the way, in neuroscience. So it's not typically the words that we use that break down communication. It breaks down because of some sort of interpersonal need that either you or I have that's either being met, which is a good thing, or as I say, unknowingly being violated or missed. So we're talking about needs here today. This is what I love to talk about. In real time, I'm thinking about that right now, which is very difficult. This is the interesting thing about podcasting. When I have a guest

Starting point is 00:09:51 or if I have an episode like I'm recording right now, the only thing I can do is make an assumption that this would be something that you would need. But what I don't have the ability to do is tailor it to your needs without having some sort of communication. I'm thinking about that when I'm having a podcast episode. I'm wondering to myself, I wonder if John Shields or or Thando or Philonious Academic. I wonder if this is in alignment with what they're thinking and where they're at right now. That's a key insight is that conversations need to be had and listening needs to be executed on because we don't know.

Starting point is 00:10:34 We don't know. And I love to go around with that open curiosity of not knowing and just try to figure it out through effective communications. So if you find yourself the culprit of violating someone. needs today, meaning not picking up on them and stomping on them and somehow, I want you to know that you're forgiven because you know not what you do. But the unknowing of that ends today. We're going to unveil some things that are going to really, really help you today. This is where emotional intelligence and things like that converge and nervous system regulation matter more than technique. So I'm

Starting point is 00:11:11 going to invite you, encourage you to step away from technique and the idea of what to say, and we're going to look inward today because that's where the magic is going to be. What we call miscommunication is often just unrecognized needs colliding. So here's an interesting concept. Needs collision. I read about this long, long time ago, but I've been hearing about it lately. That's why I'm sharing it with you today, is that arguments are not always two people at odds with one another, they're a collision of needs, a collision of needs, meaning they're not

Starting point is 00:11:45 meshing, they're not aligned. All you need is one person in a conversation to be open and curious and take note of the other person's needs and you'll have a much better situation. So that's why conflict shows up in conversations that should be simple. You know, just, hey, sweetie, can I take out the trash or something like that? They should be simple. And that's also why conflict resolution feel so hard when emotions are involved, needs collisions. That's why we end up trying to persuade influence and even connect. And those things, we're trying to justify and we're trying to help and we're trying to fix when we do that stuff.

Starting point is 00:12:25 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what happened. But once again, we're completely missing the point. And this is the stuff that can leave us feeling overwhelmed and confused and drained. I know that when I feel misunderstood, especially with somebody that I really care about, I have this feeling of just like, oh, God. And sometimes you just walk out of the room and you're like, forget about it. Just forget about it. We'll get about it. We're going to entertain something here.

Starting point is 00:12:53 Most of you have probably come across the science, the art, the skill of motivational interviewing. I'm not going to get into motivational interviewing, but if you understand what that is, this is where active listening, which is very hard to, do when you're doing podcast, right? That's why I love about Substack or YouTube is I can get some feedback from all of you, some questions, some insights, or some distinctions. This is where active listening comes into play and alignment as well when we're actually hearing somebody say something, listening and actively asking clarifying questions. Oh, do you mean like this? We'll explain more about that. What I'm sharing with you right now is if I want to try to identify what your needs are so we don't have a needs collision. Active listening is the way to do it. What I love about that

Starting point is 00:13:41 concept of actively listening, it means that I'm not just listening. I'm actively listening by asking questions and making clarifications that not only show you that I'm listening, but help me make more sense of it. If I'm trying to make sense of somebody said or make sense of their needs, I have to ask a lot of questions. So that's what active listening is. I'm going to float an idea into the room right now, and I'd love to know what you guys think about this. What if for a second we identified that every conversation that we ever have is broken down into two layers. So what are those two layers? First, there's the surface layer of the conversation. So that would be the words, the topic, and the story. So that's the first layer of it. But then there's that second hidden layer.

Starting point is 00:14:29 See, this is why we have to practice active listening. And also why we miss and we have the collision of needs. So that second layer is a hidden layer, and that is what I refer to as the thing that your nervous system is trying to protect. So we all have these needs on that second layer that you don't expose in that first layer. Whenever I ask somebody what they want, that's an interesting question to ask somebody to say, well, what do you want? Typically, you'll get that first layer, what I call surface want. They'll say something that's appropriate. But it's not really what they want, and it also doesn't share why. That's how you move into the realm of needs.

Starting point is 00:15:13 Just think about in conversations how rare it is that we actually go find that second layer. Newsflash, everybody, we're all addicts. Now, apologize to anybody that's struggled with actual addiction. Obviously, I'm going in a different direction here. But in this case, when I say we're all addicts, I'm referring to the substance that we're all addicted to as our needs. And that's the place that I want to go. So we're all dopamine-driven beings. Every one of us relies on certain internal needs to feel things like safety, grounded, and regulated.

Starting point is 00:15:51 So when those needs are met, the nervous system stays calm and it feels safe, flexible, open. That's a great conversation. There's a skill set in my course called the uncrossing of the arms. So think about what it means when you start a conversation with your arms crossed, but then they uncross. That's when your needs are being met and you feel that alignment. So that's the key here. When those needs are met, the nervous system stays calm, flexible, and open,

Starting point is 00:16:19 and that's self-regulation and action right there. But when they're missed and there's a needs collision, God, if you get this right, your whole life will change. relationship-wise and business-wise. But when they're missed, even unintentionally, and that's key, if I miss something about your needs, but I didn't intend to, I might recoil and try to justify and protect and explain my situation, but I still missed your needs. So let's try to bypass that problem and figure out a better way of communicating.

Starting point is 00:16:53 Because when they're missed, even unintentionally, the nervous system shifts into that closed-arm protective mode. So that protective response is often what we label as things like defensiveness. God, he's so defensive, that person. Have you ever been defensive? I sure have. Resistance, objections. And we even label people or people label us as difficult people.

Starting point is 00:17:16 So I just want you to identify somebody that you label as a difficult person and entertain the idea that it's just somebody that you haven't figured out how to meet their needs. See, I believe that everybody's capable. They're just scattered. That's why in our environment, we always see clarity before action. But I believe that everybody is capable of having a wonderful breakthrough. That's what I mean when I say you're capable. I don't believe in difficult people.

Starting point is 00:17:44 I actually enjoy meeting difficult people. God, I always offer you guys full access to telling me what you think, whether it's positive or negative. I'm fascinated with human behavior in general because I don't have to absorb something that somebody says. I can always just be open and curious as to what's going on. So I love to flip a switch in my head and start seeking clarity to see what somebody's needs are. So when they're missed, that's a big miss. But most of the time, it's not personal, is it, when we do this wrong?

Starting point is 00:18:20 Usually we're well intended. It's more of a neurological thing. And when we don't understand that, that it's not personal and it's more neurological, we don't mean to miss somebody's needs. We're usually on autopilot with our conversations. I mean, we know that 95% of everything, including our perceptions and our responses, are being controlled by our lower parts of our brain. They don't consult us.

Starting point is 00:18:45 That's how sleepwalking happens. So when we don't understand that, we end up reacting versus responding. So my whole interface response system that you guys will get through my book, it's a four-step process to give you a healthy response, help you learn how to reframe and give you a healthy response. That's the difference between reacting, which is an automatic thing and responding. So if you start to see these things, just remember, maybe there's a needs collision going on.

Starting point is 00:19:12 Inside the Communication Breakdown course, I introduce a framework. Now, this is super cool. And I made these really, really cool picture note cards that you can cut and put into your wallet or something like that if you really want to master your communication. So what I would recommend is through YouTube, through my social media channels at Dr. J.C. Dornick or through substack direct message. I'm going to share with you something I call PSR. If you guys are interested in it, just reach out to me and I'll send you the graphic through my Instagram at Dr. J.C. Dornick through my substack, the makes sense substack. reach out to me and ask me, say, hey, can I get the PSR thing? And I'll just send you. It's a JPEG. And then you can

Starting point is 00:19:55 like print it. It identifies the six common needs that show up in all conversations. So I'm going to invite you right now to just kind of don't obsess about this. To some degree have all of these. It's kind of like a five languages of love thing here. And I have a worksheet. This is in the communication breakdown course where people will, you know, have the opportunity to actually figure this stuff out. So here's PSR. And these are the six common needs that show up in conversations. Figure out what yours is. And once you do, you can start playing around and figuring out what others are. So the first, for the P, it's power. Do I feel under control? Do I feel in control or do I feel cornered? So that would be somebody that has a need for power. So that's not necessarily a bad thing

Starting point is 00:20:40 to have a need for power. But if somebody feels out of control and cornered and their need is power, It's a miss. It's a needs collision. The second one, the I is intelligence. Do I feel understood and respected? That's a popular one. If you feel disrespected and misunderstood and your need is intelligence, you want to feel like somebody recognizes your intelligence, that's a miss. The third A is called acceptance. Do I feel safe being myself? One of the main reasons that I'm in a good marriage and the reasons why a lot of people fail in relationships and business and communication in general is this acceptance thing is off, right? People don't feel comfortable. Like if somebody comes into the Make Sense Academy or into the Make Sense ecosystem with a regular practice, that means that they feel

Starting point is 00:21:34 accepted, feel like the right place to be. The fourth is S, significance. Do I feel like I matter here? You know, I always say in the last 10 minutes of our lives, what will we really give a shit about? I think we're going to look back and wonder if we mattered, if we made our time count, if we mattered. So if somebody's seeking significance and you're speaking to them and they don't feel like they matter because you're talking over them, that's a miss. That's a big miss. So if you can figure these things out, man, you can just completely escalate your communication. For those of you that are in marriages, whether they're functional or dysfunctional, this might, be what's going on when your spouse or your your partner says something like what the hell are you

Starting point is 00:22:16 talking about and you're like what the hell are you talking about that's what's happening is it's it's not what you said it's that a need was missed one of the greatest things you can do in relationships is to understand one another's needs so the fifth one approval a so this is called PSR remember if you reach out to me any of these channels and just say hook me up with the PSR, I'll just give it to you. No strings attached. The fifth one, approval is, do I feel validated or okay with them? Think about how it feels when you're speaking to someone and you feel like they have a problem with you. It's kind of like being misunderstood, but are we okay? Are we okay? Not everybody's brave enough to say that. So approval is a big, big one. And then the last one, relief. A lot of people

Starting point is 00:23:07 today have this one. If their need is relief, that's the person that's thinking and questioning themselves, do I feel pressure or a sense of release from it? A lot of people don't want to have to do anything. I mean, this is a very popular one in this day and age. So if you're overwhelming somebody with responsibility and things like that, and all they want to do is learn a little bit and not necessarily feel compelled to do something about it. One of the biggest stimulants of anxiety is responsibility. So I told you I used to struggle for years with anxiety. And it would begin the moment that somebody would say, congratulations, you've just been chosen to speak on a stage in front of 15,000 people. And I would say, oh, I'm going to die. And it would just start three months

Starting point is 00:23:59 of just playing this story out that I'm going to die. Why? Because I accepted the responsibility. If I said in that moment, I can't make it, I would be fine. Maybe I'd beat myself up for not following through, but I would be fine. So those are the six. Remember, it's called PSR. They all, to a degree, resonate with you and align with you. But when you take the actual course, there's a worksheet and there's a way of finding out what the strongest one and the second strongest one is at this time.

Starting point is 00:24:28 And remember, they evolve and change. Don't go out there and try to figure out the needs of others until you've figured out. what yours are. Always start with you. Because if you don't know where you're coming from, it doesn't matter where you choose to go. You're just walking blind. So you don't need to memorize these things right now. What matters is this. When you don't recognize which need is active in you and the other person, yours or theirs, you end up fighting the symptom instead of addressing the cause. Pause on that for a second. Think about any argument that you have with your spouse or your friend or somebody at work, can you see that that argument is not based on the

Starting point is 00:25:11 cause as much as the symptom? Somebody said something that hurt you or anything. So the whole concept of the interface response system in light of this is to just allow yourself to step in this space where you look at things from a different vantage point, a different vantage point. One of the most important things that a human being could do to enrich and have a better life experience is to entertain alternative perspectives. Here's one of my favorite questions that I ask myself. What else might be true, J.C.? What else might be true?

Starting point is 00:25:45 And the whole concept of when I say, hmm, which you'll learn in my book, what is going to teach you how to do is put a pause on your programmed, conditioned mind, and step into this space. It's called cognitive distancing where you can be curious. So, hmm, stands for haven't made up my mind.

Starting point is 00:26:07 That's a reminder that we don't have to make up our mind so fast based on our knee-jerk reactions. We can just say, hmm, I don't know. Give me a second. Do you mind if I take a second to think about that? So just catch yourself right away, wanting to bypass all of these things, and that's how we get into trouble. Now, you'd have to want to improve your communication. So when I say I have a communication mastery course and I'm teaching you things like this and I'm sharing things like this. If you don't give a shit about that, that's fine too. But when you run into these

Starting point is 00:26:40 snags, or maybe you're harboring and dwelling on a conversation that you had weeks ago, this is what happened. This is what happened. And by the way, the person that's pissing you off might just not know your needs. And they might not give a shit, but you can always let them know. This idea of missing it, this is where stress escalates, boundaries get crossed, and even good intentions collapse. So just because you have good intentions, that's not a foundation for you to stand and protect yourself. I'm sure you had good intentions, but you missed something in those good intentions. So you can either decide, there's another choice point. There's a decision to say, do I want to listen more and ask more questions and practice

Starting point is 00:27:23 active listenings? Or fuck them, this is how I am, take it or leave it. That's not going to work. When you do recognize the need, a mindset shift happens. conversation slow down, pressure drops, mental clarity returns. Doesn't that sound nice? So let's make this practical. Think about the last time that someone pushed back on you. I mean, you all have this. I'm pretty certain you all have this. When's the last time somebody pushed back on you? Did they push back because they disagreed with you? Or in light of this conversation,

Starting point is 00:27:58 Maybe they felt rushed, misunderstood, unseen, judged, or pressured. See, our knee-jerk reflex is that they pushed back because they just disagree with you and they're not like you. We're all more alike than not. If somebody feels misunderstood, unseen, judged, or pressured, because we miss their needs, you can see how those words correlate with PSR. Reach out to me and get that. You'll love having that in your pocket. You can imagine how they would pull back.

Starting point is 00:28:27 you. So those reactions aren't flaws that people have, by the way. They're just signals that we can start identifying. We're all very similar, but we're unique because of our life experience. So if you can start to identify some of these things, they're not flaws. They're just unique characteristics that give us a signal of how to better communicate with people. If you want to have a great relationship with someone, and this is the five languages of love concept as well, and you give a shit about them, well, you'll take the time, you know. And if you're in business and you want to increase your sales and things like that, you will take the time to become a better communicator. But if you're in this position right now where you just don't give a shit and take it or leave it,

Starting point is 00:29:10 well, you know the outcome. You know the outcome. And if that's okay with you, that's okay too, right? At this time. Whatever you think is okay is okay with me. Okay? This is fun in communication mastery. Rather than looking at the negative aspect of something that somebody said, can you see that it's kind of fun? It's like, oh, interesting. I wonder why they responded like that. I wonder which need is not being met. So it's a doorway to better stress management, stronger boundaries, and intentional living. Think about what your life would be like if you were better at managing your stress. If you had stronger boundaries, but expose them to people so people knew, like, hey, that's a boundary of mine, better communication, right? And intentional living. I mean, what is the purpose of

Starting point is 00:30:03 human beings being here anyway? It's to live. It's to have an experience before the unknown, unpredictable day comes. So here's why this matters beyond just good conversations. So I want to talk a little bit about business here for a second. If you're in leadership, coaching, sales, presenting, or relationships, you're in the business of influence. Now, you might not think so because you might attach the word influence to something. But what I'm saying is, is in some way, shape, or form, you're involved with influence. So influence without understanding turns into pressure. Isn't that interesting? If I'm in a role of influence, but I'm doing it without understanding my audience, which is why it's so challenging to be a podcaster, if somebody

Starting point is 00:30:50 he has a podcast that has billions of downloads like Stephen Bartlett. Great podcast. I listen to the diary of a CEO. Shout out to that. What he's really good at is not having an opinion. He just asked interesting questions. So when I have a, when I have a guest, and I've got some fantastic guests coming up, it's not about me. It's about them. But if I take command, you'll see, you'll see in a, in a conversation or an interview if needs are not being met. It gets a little bit sticky. But influence with awareness becomes service rather than sales. And what's the difference between service and sales? If I'm in service, I'll say something to you like, how can I help you?

Starting point is 00:31:32 If I'm in sales, I'll say, here's how I can help you. That's a miss. Do you guys like when you get somebody that just for whatever reason just randomly pitches you on like LinkedIn or something like that? The reason why you don't like that and you're offended is because they don't even know you. They don't know. I'll very often, I'll save back, say, what made you think that I need that? Was I wearing a shirt that said, I need life insurance right now or something like that?

Starting point is 00:31:58 And I don't want to give them too much shit, but when you meet someone's needs first, objections soften naturally. And when people feel safe, seen and understood, resistance dissolves. The resistance that we feel in relationships and conversations dissolves when people feel. understood and seen. And you know the two most powerful words you can hear in a conversation from somebody. And this is from Chris Voss in Never Split the Difference. Great book, FBI Investigator. He says that the two words you want to hear in a conversation is somebody says, that's right. When somebody says that's right, what are they saying? They're going, you get me, you get me.

Starting point is 00:32:42 That means you did a good job. You did a good job. And once again, if you don't care about doing a good job and you don't care. You know, cognitive bias is like, it's my party. I'll cry if I want to and I'll just want to find other people like that as well. If you are like that right now, this is a waste of your time, this conversation. But if you're looking to master your communication for many, many reasons for your own good and also to improve a lot of the things you're working on, this is powerful shit right here. So that's real communication mastery and it's foundational for burnout prevention. It's exhausting, by the way, to argue with everybody and always feel misunderstood. You'll just stop talking to people.

Starting point is 00:33:22 I've gone through periods of my life like that. Nobody gets me. So that's real communication. Instead of asking yourself or people today, how do I say this better? That's what everybody asks me when I'm coaching mode. They say, how could I say this better or what could I say? Try asking instead, what might this person's nervous system be protecting right now? If you ask that question, because whether you think it's cool or not, they have a nervous system.

Starting point is 00:33:51 If I say, hmm, which means I'm going to think about it, I haven't made my mind up yet, what might this person's nervous system be protecting right now? That single question right there supports emotional resilience, inner peace, and better outcomes in everyday life. And it seems like people are not entertaining that perspective. and we go back to PSR, you don't feel understood, you don't feel, you're not getting approval, right? So your needs are not being met. Here's an interesting thing that you can load.

Starting point is 00:34:26 Who gives a crap? If you have a different opinion or perspective than somebody, why do you feel compelled to, like, explain how yours is better than theirs? Everybody's allowed to have a perspective. It might not be in alignment with you, but if you want to be a masterful communicator for whatever, reason you decide, I think it's important for you to acknowledge somebody's perspective. Interesting. So you don't have to have and share perspective, right?

Starting point is 00:34:54 You can share theirs. But what you'll notice is that if you share your perspective and somebody shuts it down and tries to overpower it with their perspective, well, that's a miss. So instead of asking, how can I say this better, try asking what might this person's nervous system be protecting right now? And that single question supports emotional resilience, inner peace, and better outcomes in your everyday life. In closing, if this resonates with you,

Starting point is 00:35:19 because remember, this is the jacuzzi experience. You hopefully picked up a couple of things today. These are things that are not meant to just stay. They're meant to be put in play. So that's why at the end of my podcast episodes, I always say, if you learn something today, give it away, that's the only way it's going to stay. What that's indicating is put this stuff into play,

Starting point is 00:35:42 share it with others, but actually go out there and see what happens. And the easiest way to do that is to just allow yourself to not be in a rush. Remember, hmm, you don't have to respond right away. You can ask questions like the nervous system question. So if this resonates with you, I break this down in much more depth in like an eight-part communication mastery course. If anybody takes that course and actually practices it, that year, they will become masterful

Starting point is 00:36:12 communicators. That could equate to better relationships, sales, all of that. So if you want to come check that out, that's in the Make Sense Academy. There's a free trial. Cost less per month than you pay for food today. It's not a lot of money. I want to make it accessible for everybody, but that's where the actionable steps and the daily habits are going to turn that awareness of this stuff, the jacuzzi experience, into real world change for you and those that you wish to serve in life. That's it for today. To support the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast, be sure to subscribe, like, and share, as well as follow the Make Sense substack for free daily quotes, live streams, and blogs.

Starting point is 00:36:54 And remember, learning without action is just another form of distraction. If something hit home and you learn something today, give it away. That's the only way it's going to stay. See you next time.

Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - How to Get What You Want in Every Conversation — Communication Mastery - Episode 140

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.