Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - Making Sense of the Alchemy of Forgiveness Episode 99

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast. This podcast covers topics that expand human consciousness and performance. On the Make Sense podcast, we acknowledge that it's who you are that determines how well what you do works, and that perception is a subjective and acquired taste. When you change the way that you look at things, the things that you look at begin to change. The Make Sense podcast is sponsored and primarily funded by the Make Sense Academy, our private community where open and curious seekers of growth and expansion apply the make sense principles and systems to move from simply going through life to growing through life. So check out the Make Sense Academy risk-free for less than you'll spend today on shit that you don't need. Welcome, my friends, to the uprising of the sleepwalking masses. Welcome to the Make Sense with

Starting point is 00:00:53 Dr. J.C. Dornick podcast. Makes sense. Great morning world, great morning humans. This is your boy, Dr. J.C. Dornick, aka the dragon. And today what I want to do is I want to share a piece that I'm going to be posting in my Make Sense substack. It's called The Alchemy of Forgiveness. The subtitle of it is going to read,

Starting point is 00:01:18 This Time It's All About You. Isn't that an interesting paradox where we're kind of raised to think that we're not supposed to say that, that would be considered selfish? But human beings are really wired to be about. value-seeking missiles. I mean, nobody thinks, says or does anything that doesn't have value for yourself. So I think one of the big steps today, and this might be a power move for you today, is to be okay with receiving, not feeling like you have to give, give, give, give, because remember something, the moment that you receive, you're giving somebody else the beautiful luxury of giving.

Starting point is 00:01:51 When it comes to forgiveness, a big shift today, this is some good shift, is going to be making it about you. And you'll see what I mean by that. So this was organized. actually and generated from a mastermind topic that I recently did actually yesterday, do these once a month. And I did that for, I guess we can call it our plant medicine integration group. This is a world that the dragon enjoys and lives in. And I host a mastermind once a month. And I was talking about this topic of forgiveness.

Starting point is 00:02:21 I've re-engineered it, you know, for you guys. And I hope that you really enjoy it. When I thought about this topic, I thought actually it would make for a great short form podcast. So it's a very sensitive subject, forgiveness. I want you to know that I really don't in any way, shape, or form know what it's like to walk in your shoes, nor do you know what it's like to walk in mine. And it's funny how people make assumptions that they do because they tell people what to do. But I don't know what it's like to walk into your shoes. And I also don't know what your pain and your circumstances are. So when I talk about a topic, I'm in no way, shape, or form encouraging people

Starting point is 00:02:57 to forgive or take action and things like that. That's up to you. My focus is about providing some good shift. And that means just pointing out some things that will allow you to start asking the question when you make a statement that has an exclamation point on it and ask a question, what else might be true? My focus and intention with the make sense brand is to just help people capture things from a different perspective, right? So I don't know you and I don't know your pain, nor could I ever know, even if you explained it to me. So this process of forgiveness is a unique and individualized situation that will carry an acquired taste and reality for many of you. What I do know for sure is this, and I'll say this with certainty, your life experience and everything, I mean,

Starting point is 00:03:46 we're all kind of the same, we're all interconnected, can become extraordinary. This is what I know for sure because as a coach, I've been coaching for 20 years in health transformation and just watched miraculous things. So I know what's possible. I don't know if anybody will do anything about it. But I know that your life experience can become extraordinary the moment that you decide to stop carrying the weight on your shoulders of somebody else's stuff. And it's going to happen the moment that you change the way you look at forgiveness. So what we're going to do today is entertain the idea of capturing a different perspective. You don't have to accept it, but we're going to look at something like forgiveness from a different vantage point. And you'll decide if you like it or not.

Starting point is 00:04:31 And if it's useful or not, that's kind of my little disclaimer. In full transparency, though, and this is important to understand, I don't think that there's a finish line for something like forgiveness. I've come to terms that I'm going to be working to release my demons and release myself from it's strong grasp and burden for the rest of my life. However, it's actually in my decision and the intention behind the decision to work on it and get rid of it that I found my freedom. It's just the idea that I'm working on it. In that idea and that in that decision, I start moving in a different direction. Makes sense? Chances are, if you're here and you're human, you might be holding onto something heavy. Now, if you don't think,

Starting point is 00:05:18 you're holding onto something heavy, you might just have become a fifth degree black belt at pretending that you don't. But it could be a wound, it could be a betrayal, a disappointment. Perhaps somebody hurt you knowingly or unknowingly, and there's an interesting part of this discussion. Or maybe you hurt somebody. Maybe the hardest part is that you hurt yourself. But now you're left with this question. How do I let it go? Should I let it go? Am I supposed to let it go? Is it beneficial to let it go? Or should I stand my ground? This is this threshold. And the reason why I found it interesting to speak about this in the plant medicine world is when people go experience a ceremony, which could be interpreted as you're reading a book,

Starting point is 00:06:04 hearing a podcast, or listening to this conversation, or having some sort of a new insight or breakthrough, when you come back to your baseline reality or whatever you call that in your cell phone, you have to go through what's called the integration process. and that's a big term in the plant medicine world is how do I take these new distinctions and lessons and integrate them in my life? There's a threshold when something has happened to you and you're holding on to it, but you understand how do I let this go? That's the integration process. And unfortunately, most people stay in that process. A lot of people are looking to get from point A to point B or get into town from their house in a rocking chair right now in an oscillating pattern. So,

Starting point is 00:06:47 integration is not just for those that are on a spiritual path as well. So this doesn't have to be like some sort of a kumbaya hooey moment. This relates to everybody. It's for anyone who's ever had their heart cracked open by life. And if you've never had your heart cracked open by life, I mean, I would assume that you're six feet underground and you're not watching this. It's the process of sitting with what happened rather than avoiding it, sitting with what happened, absorbing the impact of it and slowly transforming the pain into wisdom. I love the analogy of looking at a wave that's coming and it's building up and it comes to its peak and we watch it go by, crash, and then dissipate up on the shore. So I love this idea of looking at things like pain and suffering and forgiveness

Starting point is 00:07:35 and recognizing that there is a beginning peak and fruition. We're going to talk about the space between what broke and what's next, because that's where the win is. As Victor Frankel from a man's search for meaning says that the game is won in between the stimulus, the thing that happened and our response. And this is what we talk about in the Make Sense Academy. That's our private academy. And I see some folks from that here. Here's the truth. And it's funny to say, here's the truth. Here's my truth. You can't fully integrate from an experience without forgiveness. Forgiveness is a tool, a bridge perhaps, that allows, that permits for integration, meaning letting things go. You can't just let go without practicing forgiveness.

Starting point is 00:08:21 And let that sit with you. Just ask yourself, can I let go of something that happened without practicing forgiveness? And forgiveness, well, that's what's going to set us free. What's interesting about forgiveness is that when we're feeling the burden of something that happened to us, we don't typically evaluate it through the eyes of the giver, the person that offered it to us. Think about this for a second. When you're feeling pain and you're thinking about forgiveness, it's all about you, right? You're thinking about how did I get impacted by this? What does this mean to me? Is this fair? Should I let it go? But I'm going to encourage you to maybe exert a little bit of a practice of

Starting point is 00:09:01 compassion and maybe empathy and just allow yourself to see it through somebody else's eyes. Because we typically only look at look through it through our eyes. And maybe that's where the win is. So we typically see things only through our own eyes as the receiver, not the giver. Now, I believe this comes from the struggle that we face as humans, where we perceive that wrongdoing is something that happens deliberately. Think about that. If somebody ever wrongs you, you'll notice that the initial perception, and this is the way we're wired, is that the person that did it or the thing that happened in some way,

Starting point is 00:09:37 shape, or form was deliberate, not accidental. Now, imagine if you had the ability to just even entertain whether or not it was accidental. And, you know, we know that you'd find that in the Bible, forgive them for they know not what they do. You know, that statement is so liberating because it means that they didn't even know that they did it. And that means that you're releasing yourself from the lion's mouth of that deliberate insinuation. But what if it was accidental? Hmm. That's why we teach everybody in our academy that's doing the real work.

Starting point is 00:10:07 What if it was an accident, right? We don't know for sure, and you don't have to embrace that, but what if? Maybe it was an accident. Or maybe it was unconscious, meaning they didn't even know that they would do that. It's a choice that we have to make right there, and it's not easy. Have you ever wondered if that person, this is an interesting thing, if somebody ever wrongs you or criticizes you or just says something that kind of unsettles you, have you ever walked away thinking, I wonder if that person walked away feeling the pain of technically the, arrow that they just shot themselves with that is in their foot that is comfortably sitting in their mouth right now, you know, foot and mouth disease. I know myself, when I do something wrong, or if I wrong somebody, I very often walk away kind of like, oh, God, that came out wrong.

Starting point is 00:10:57 But I wonder if they know that. So sometimes that would be a place for me to apologize, right? Or just let people know. So this reminds us of the powerful tool of what we call compassion, right? where we learn to dig deeper, beyond our pain, and see where the real pain lies. Maybe in the heart of the giver, the pain could be lying in the heart of the giver. Have you ever felt wonderful and just like totally at ease and comfortable with life and confident and decided to take that moment and make somebody feel bad? Probably not. So you know yourself.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Maybe you've got to get to know other people as well. There's a saying, holding on to anger is like grasping a hot stone with the intent of throwing it at somebody else. I'm sure you've heard that before, right? You're going to get burnt because you're so angry and you want to throw this stone at somebody else. You're the one that's going to get burned in that situation. So when it comes to forgiveness or struggling with forgiveness, it's like holding on to that hot stone that's burning your hand, but holding onto it and waiting for that stone to burn the person who wronged you. So what that's saying is, is that while we're struggling with forgiveness, we're the one that's hurting. And I always wonder if somebody wrongs me and I'm sitting

Starting point is 00:12:13 there struggling with forgiving them. And the reason why I'm struggling is I don't want the universe or anyone, or especially them to know that I think that what they did is okay. That's not what forgiveness is. I wonder if they even care. You know, that's something that they have passed something on to me that is not a burden on them at all. It's just on me. And that seems kind of silly. That's like climbing a mountain with a bag of rocks on my shoulder. It just doesn't make sense. So when you refuse to forgive, you suffer twice. And this is like the story of the two arrows of suffering, once again from Buddhism. The first arrow would be the one that strikes you, but it's unavoidable. We can't control what happens in life, right? Very often, that's the whole concept of adversity. But it's the second

Starting point is 00:12:55 arrow that you shoot yourself with. And that's because of the way you responded to the first arrow. So the first arrow was unavoidable as it was shot by another, but the second arrow is shot by you straight into your own foot. So first from the wound and again from the weight where you continue to carry. So forgiveness isn't about condoning what happened. That's why we struggle with it, especially if you think that it was intentional or deliberate. It's not about condoning what happened, saying, hey, it's no big deal. It's about refusing to carry it and letting it define you any longer. That's what forgiveness is in my eyes. So let's look at this word forgiveness. This is fun. You know what's a fun thing to do if you're struggling with any of these things is take the word and just

Starting point is 00:13:45 break it apart and see if you can reorganize it and reframe it. So the concept of forgiveness is really an act of giving. It's not passive. It's not a weakness. It's actually powerful, right? It's a powerful conscious decision to give yourself relief. That's a fun way to look at forgiveness, is that you're making a conscious decision to relieve yourself, to provide yourself with peace, space, and freedom. It's a selfish act, right? So you don't have to worry about condoning something, even if it was deliberate. Your power move, reclaiming control is the dominant force of your life, the shock caller, and reclaiming your power, is about saying, it's not going to bother me. So it's a power move. It's not a sign of we.

Starting point is 00:14:28 and it's not a sign of condoning something. You give yourself the gift of no longer waiting for the past to change, which is that oscillation. That's that rocking chair. The past cannot change. We can reframe the past. We can go back and look at things, and I talk about this in the Make Sense Academy in our book. We call it Life is a Line. We can go back and establish a new vantage point, but we can't wait for the past to change. You give up the role of the victim or the villain which is very common in forgiveness. And you give the story a new ending. Isn't that interesting?

Starting point is 00:15:04 There's different types of forgiveness, but forgiveness of others is mercy. It requires mercy to forgive others. And that has to do with forgiving them, letting them off the hook. And the hook is not that condoning. It's just letting them off from having a hook in you. So you're really letting yourself off the hook.

Starting point is 00:15:21 But forgiveness of self is alchemy. Now, I don't know if you know what alchemy is, but when I heard that word, it made me say, huh. In ancient mysticism, alchemy was the process of turning lead into gold. If you look at its roots, that's what it is. So heavy, dense, and simply worthless things, turning them into something radiant, rare, and powerful. That's what alchemy is.

Starting point is 00:15:47 So that's what self-forgiveness does. And this is really cool because it shows you the value of what it will do for you. That's why I call it the alchemy of forgiveness. It transforms shame into compassion. So that would be like the lead into the gold. It takes something like shame and it turns it into compassion. Regret into responsibility. Guilt into growth.

Starting point is 00:16:15 Judgment into grace. So that's the alchemy of forgiveness. And forgiveness of life itself, of the things that you cannot control. You know, in stoicism, they call that the dichotomy of control. One of the most powerful things you could ever do is allow yourself to recognize what we do and don't control in life. And in the Makes Sense Academy, we teach this process called the sorting filter. So we teach people how to run everything through a sorting filter.

Starting point is 00:16:45 And there's a strategic way to build your sorting filter. But one of the questions your filter does is say, is this in my control or out. and if something is not in your control, the filter doesn't let it in. If you ever want to learn anything about the Make Sense Academy, it's an opportunity to get high-level coaching, mentorship, every tool and program and skill set that I've ever taught at a very, very low cost because it's in a group environment. So if anybody ever wants to learn about that and do some of this work, just respond and just say, make sense.

Starting point is 00:17:15 So today, we don't gather to solve all this stuff. This is important. We're not here to solve and figure all this stuff. out. What we're doing is we're gathering today with the idea of softening things. Just softening. Remember, I said, I'm going to be working on this for the rest of my life. We're going to soften things to feel and we're going to actually bless what it is that we claim hurt. Isn't that an interesting concept to take something that we perceive was a negative and bless it up. Bless it. And here's why I think that's cool. Shift in perspective. Here's some good shift coming at you.

Starting point is 00:17:52 If you want to do personal growth and have some sort of enhancement of your spiritual life, right? If you want to achieve a higher level of consciousness, you actually require adversity. Otherwise, you'd have nothing to work on. So in Buddhism, they don't look at things as good or bad. If something comes that's not in alignment that is adverse, what they do is they see it as a blessing and an opportunity. That's a powerful word to add to your vocabulary and your sorting filter. When adversity strikes, yes, we always try to find the lesson in it and there's an opportunity. But you've got to wonder if that's the sign that the universe gives a shit about you.

Starting point is 00:18:36 And it's saying, here, here's a challenge for you to work on and grow. So if not for people being awful to you, you would have no growth. There's another interesting one. And universe, that's not me saying, send me a bunch of people. of awful people today. But maybe it is. So let's explore what forgiveness means, not as an endpoint, but a practice. Or maybe we'll call it a portal or a path. I say explore to remind myself. When I tell you, let's explore, I just say that to remind myself that forgiveness is an ongoing process that one doesn't have to finish. Right. There doesn't have to be a finish line. And I told you

Starting point is 00:19:17 that. I think this is one of the problems is if you decide to start forgiveness, giving, you hope that by tomorrow, everything will be fine. Remember, it's the practice, it's the intention of saying, I'm no longer going to just sit back and hand the keys of trust over to the universe and hope everything goes well. I'm going to make a conscious decision to work towards not letting something bother me. So let's permit ourselves, it's just an allowance, let's permit ourselves to move beyond thought, beyond blame, and beyond our ego. That's standing guard. front of our brains and allow ourselves for a moment that the Japanese call Satori. Satori is an ancient Japanese Buddhist term, and it's not some sort of a knowing or a belief.

Starting point is 00:20:03 It's not some sort of a conclusion. It's a felt recognition that everything. Now hear this. This is what Satori means. This is a wonderful place to find yourself. Everything. And I mean everything. The good, the bad, the glorious, the taste.

Starting point is 00:20:20 the terrible, the mean people, the nice people, everything is just the way it is and is just absolutely right, just the way it is. So Saturi is this moment where somebody says, hey, dragon, how are you? You go through your head and you say, there's good, there's bad, and all that stuff. And your answer is, it's all good. It's all good. So wouldn't that be something to strive for? So that's what Saturi is. So the experience of Satory is what one of my favorite authors and theologians is Alan Watts, and he called it profound rightness, that place where everything is right, just the way it is. And we don't feel like anything needs to change. Not because it was fair, right? This is not fair,

Starting point is 00:21:07 right? There's a lot of fair and not fair in the world. Not because it didn't hurt, right? We very often judge things based on how we felt after them, but because in that moment of absolute presence, that story starts to dissolve. And remember, everything is based on the meaning we give it and the story that we create around it. And after the story dissolves, the only thing that remains is the truth. Your truth. So forgiveness acts as a bridge to that moment. It's an inner gesture that says this. I no longer need this to be different for me to be free. Say that to yourself about your life. I no longer need the things in my life to be different, the circumstances in my life to be different in order for me to be free. I am free. And that's what Satori is. Isn't that cool? That's the payoff of

Starting point is 00:22:00 forgiveness. And have I ever experienced 100% pure self-actualized Satori? I can't say that I have, but it's where I'm heading what I'm doing the work of forgiveness. Make sense? In that space, we realize that Satori isn't something to chase. It's not something far away. It's actually something that's already here inside of us. And perhaps today, perhaps, maybe, might be. It's time to see all of this stuff that we want as an unwrapped present that's been left over with your name on it under the Christmas tree.

Starting point is 00:22:40 And maybe today is the day that you just decide to begin unwrapping it. Make sense? So that's all for today. Just a joy and a pleasure to be with you today. Love when people reach out to me directly and remember something. If you learn something today, give it away, because that's the only way it's going to stay. Give it away. Take what you learn and learn twice by giving it away. So have a nice day. Love and appreciate you. I'll see you next time. You know,

Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - Making Sense of the Alchemy of Forgiveness Episode 99

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