Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - Misunderstoond - How to handle unsolicited criticism - E207

Starting point is 00:00:00 So that's interesting about being misunderstood. What's happening is somebody is seeing something that you don't see. So it was fundamentally inconsistent with how I see myself. Instead of trusting my knee-jerk reflex, and that would have been to denounce and defend my position, something else happened. I became open and curious and just simply said, Hmm. Have you noticed that the world that we live in has been doing most of the thinking for you?

Starting point is 00:00:25 That your beliefs, perceptions, reactions, fears and doubts, have been shaped by unsolicited outside noise. How easy it's been for you to slip into that default sleepwalking mode and label it as life and reality. Yeah, that ends here. Welcome to the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast. This is your opportunity to start thinking for yourself, reclaim control, and step back into that role as the shock caller and dominant force of your own reality.

Starting point is 00:00:55 It's when you change the way that you look at things, that the things that you look at begin to change. So let's wake up, let's rise up, and let's make sense of why and how shift happens. Hmm. Makes sense. Quick little update. I'm going through the whole cancer thing, and I'm just so incredibly grateful for it. You know, I spoke to a large audience yesterday about it.

Starting point is 00:01:24 We were talking about being humbled, and I'm deeply, deeply humbled by a the experience, but I'm also extremely grateful for it because I've never been so clear and certain with my priorities. I've never lived so strongly in the moment and focused on what matters, what doesn't, what I could care less about. It's just such an interesting thing because in the midst of me going through what society labels, we're going to talk about labels today, society kind of labels something like cancer as just like a tragedy, just traumatic thing to go through. And I'm not going to say it's fun. By no means is it fun.

Starting point is 00:02:01 But some of the greatest things in life are not fun and they're hard. Things don't need to be easy and fun in order for you to have a good time. So I'm just so grateful that I was chosen to go through and grow through this experience. And the biggest benefit from it is that I just really don't give too much of a shit about things that haven't earned my care and my shit giving. So I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, but I would wish upon all of you something that would drive you to this place that I'm at right now where I just appreciate all things that deserve to be appreciated. And I just could care less about things that just don't matter, like the outcome of tomorrow. Let's get started.

Starting point is 00:02:48 This is misunderstood. What if they're wrong about you? Sticks and stones may break my bones. But labels, they just may make. me go, hmm. Someone recently called me a name. So this is real. And then went further through somebody else. It wasn't said to me, but through a friend. They went further and labeled me as someone who looks down upon women. And before I tell you what happened next, I just want you to think of a word or a label or a name that has been used recently or in the past to describe you

Starting point is 00:03:23 that made you immediately think, whoa, that's not me. That was your knee-jerk reaction. Like, that's not me. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe somebody said you were selfish. Maybe somebody referred to you as arrogant. Maybe somebody said you're narcissistic, difficult, controlling, entitled, insensitive. For me, the word was misogynistic.

Starting point is 00:03:46 And it was funny because I wasn't exactly sure what it meant. So I looked it up and I was like, oh, my God. So that was my knee-jerk reflex inside. Think about that word, whatever it was for you. Your knee-jerk reflex, which we can't control, that's wired in. Whatever it was, here's the question that we're going to wrestle with today. What if the healthiest response isn't believing the label or rejecting it? What if the healthiest response is not one of the most common choices of two to either believe in the label or reject it?

Starting point is 00:04:18 What if the most powerful response today is simply, haven't made up my mind yet. Great morning humans, great morning world. Welcome to another episode of the Makes Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast. And welcome to the uprising of the sleepwalking masses. Today we're going to be talking about something that I think every single one of us has experienced and that is being misunderstood. So as I said, someone recently told me that another person had referred to me as misogynistic.

Starting point is 00:04:49 And I have to admit, it caught me off guard, completely off guard. My knee-jerk reflex was me, a misogynist. It felt fundamentally inconsistent with how I see myself. So that's interesting about being misunderstood. What's happening is somebody is seeing something that you don't see. So it was fundamentally inconsistent with how I see myself, how I believe I treat women from what I understand, my relationships with women.

Starting point is 00:05:18 In fact, most of my clients are women and the values that I try to live by every day. Not to mention, it was the first time that I had ever been referred to as a misogynist in 55 years. Here's what made it even easier for me to dismiss was this person doesn't really know me. I remember the moment where I was invited to say, well, what do you think about them? And I said, I don't know them. So I don't have the ability to make that label. This is one of those scenarios where somebody just said, that person is a... So they formed an opinion of me from a distance.

Starting point is 00:05:54 A lot of people do that. And what's interesting about people that really know you is they typically ask you first if you would like to know what they think. People that don't know you so well seem to just tell you kind of unsolicitedly. So they formed an opinion of me from a distance, from whatever interactions, observation, stories, information, or interpretation. that they had available. Naturally, my conditioned response could have been easily to say,

Starting point is 00:06:21 screw it, they don't know me, who cares what they think? Just like the famous t-shirt that I wear often. Breaking news, I don't care. But then something happened. And you'll notice that I get to say that a lot. Then something happened. And the reason why I get to say that is because I always wait a little bit. I always think a little bit.

Starting point is 00:06:41 I always ask different questions. Instead of trusting my knee-jerk reflex, and that would have been to denounce and defend my position, something else happened. I became open and curious and just simply said, hmm, and if you think about it, if I'm going to spend my life asking all of you and all the people that have read my book

Starting point is 00:07:01 and all the people that listen to my podcast, the people that I coach, the people that I mentor, if I'm going to spend all of this time asking all of you to challenge your conditioned interpretations, remain open and curious, use things like holographic vision, incorporate the bouncer and all these things that we talk about, you know, ask you to become willing to look again at things that you've already made up your mind about. Well, shouldn't I? This has never been something where I'm teaching people to do things. This is a pay it forward. This is something

Starting point is 00:07:29 that I do on a regular basis and I share it with people. Shouldn't I be willing to do that when the person and the identity that's being questioned is me. So before we go any further, I want you to answer this first question. And I want you to answer this question in the comments if you could. Please. What's a label that someone has given you that you absolutely did not recognize in yourself? Was it selfish? Was it arrogant, lazy, difficult, intimidating, narcissistic? Because there's an old saying that most of us grew up with, and that is, sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Rude, Stephanie says, ooh, that's a tough one, right? A narcissist. So Lori says that somebody has referred to her

Starting point is 00:08:13 as a nice. Smokey says selfish and arrogant. Oh boy, I've gotten that one before. What I have to say is, in regards to that, sticks and stones may break my bones, but names could never hurt me. I call bullshit on that, you know, names do hurt. Labels do sting. In this show, we talk about that first step at the interface response system where we recognize and we feel the feels, but we reclaim control, don't we, about how we're going to respond to it? So bullshit, names hurt, labels sting. So did that moment when that doctor first walked in the room and told me that I had stage four cancer and dropped that diagnosis on me. You know, I'm so evolved since then, but that first moment, it stung. It scared the shit out of me. It too was a name and a label because basically what the doctor said to me is,

Starting point is 00:09:02 by the way, you're the cancer guy now, you know, stuck up. And you know what's interesting is when somebody puts a label on you, you typically all of a sudden self-reflect and find yourself saying like, but I try so hard not to be that way. That's the last thing I want to be. Names and labels can trigger embarrassment, anger, insecurity, defensiveness, even shame. But maybe the interesting question isn't whether names and labels hurt. Maybe a more interesting question is this. What do we do with them when they arrive?

Starting point is 00:09:35 So I want you to join me and say, yeah, they hurt. But what do I do with them when they arrive? What do we do with them after they hurt? hurt. So my observation is that we tend to do one of two things. Remember, we are saying maybe there's more than these two things. But when somebody gives us an unsolicited criticism, name, or a label, we do one of two things. We either internalize them. Oh, my God, is this what people think about me and we obsess about it? That doesn't produce a great day, does it? Or we take another path and we immediately reject them. Hey, you know what? Screw you. Babfang-gu.

Starting point is 00:10:13 You don't know me. I don't care what anybody thinks. So whenever somebody sees me wearing this breaking news, I don't care. Or when I say, I don't care about that, people automatically draw this conclusion that I don't care about anything. But I actually care about a lot of things, just not things that don't deserve my care. We'll get into that. So I think, and I want to introduce a third option.

Starting point is 00:10:36 So the first one, internalize it. Second was rejected. But here's the third option. And I actually think it's the option that requires the most confidence in somebody. It's called curiosity without capitulation. Now, if you don't know what capitulation is, it's the idea of surrendering. It's about allowing yourself to be curious about something without succumbing and surrendering to it. Curiosity without capitulation.

Starting point is 00:11:01 I don't have to accept your conclusion about me. This is what happens when you say, hmm, it means becoming curious about how you arrived at it, how that person arrived at it. Hmm, is that right? I love asking, is that right? Is that right? That's just like, hmm, that's part of it. It's not saying, really? It's not having an opinion about it. Say, is that right? And it gives you this space to check and see if it's right. So it's very different. Confidence does not mean that you're so certain about yourself that you're unwilling to question yourself. In fact, I can that real confidence is being so secure and secure enough in who you are to temporarily take your identity off, put it on the table, and have a look at it, examine it. That's a confident person.

Starting point is 00:11:55 I have so much respect for people, and this is not easy. My wife talks to me about this all the time, about like taking ownership for things, or at least entertaining their role and things. Just removing their identity, their protective identity and their ego, putting it out on the table and having a look at it, examining it. In my open and curious state, this is what I did when I heard that someone that I don't really know that doesn't know me referred to me as a misogynist. So I went through the process, the knee-jerk reflex, the defensive stance and all that, but then I and I asked some questions. And I became open and curious about it. I began asking people first who actually know me.

Starting point is 00:12:36 People that have spent time with me, work with me, people that I trust. There's an interesting thing about trust. If somebody calls you a name and you don't really know them and they don't know you, and you buy into it and you let it cause you to either reject it

Starting point is 00:12:51 or internalize it, you're giving your trust and your care over to that person that you don't even know. So I asked people that have spent time with me, work with me, love me, challenged me, people that have seen me when nobody's watching at my good times in my bad. But here's the important part. I didn't ask those people from an open and curious place.

Starting point is 00:13:11 I didn't ask them, you don't think I'm a misogynist, do you? Like as if I'm talking them into agreeing with me. Because that's not curiosity. True curiosity is not kind of coaxing somebody to believe in what you believe or see what you see. That's just validation wearing a disguise. That would basically be me saying, please tell me I'm right. Instead, I chose to become open and vulnerable and ask something much more uncomfortable to these people that know me. And this is where the big, big power move comes when somebody labels you and you get defensive about it. I asked them this, have you ever noticed misogynistic tendencies in me? Is there anything about the way I speak or I joke or play or communicate or behave or relate to women that I might not be seeing?

Starting point is 00:14:04 That's what I did. I created this space for people that really, really know me to be able to say that, which is scary, right? It makes you vulnerable. So that's a completely different question. And that brings us to something I think is incredibly important when dealing with criticism. A lot of people come to me asking me about how to deal with criticism because, man, we just let it ruin our whole day. This is what people ask me about dealing with criticism. And it's separating identity from behavior. It's like step into the space between your own. identity and your behavior. Maybe someone calls you selfish. That doesn't mean that you're a selfish person, but have you ever behaved selfishly? Probably. Am I right? Doesn't make you a

Starting point is 00:14:46 selfish person, but have you ever behaved selfishly, most likely? Someone calls you arrogant. Maybe arrogance isn't who you are, but has your confidence ever landed as arrogance? perhaps. So what we're doing is we're saying maybe, right? Maybe. Maybe there was something to what they said. Someone calls you insensitive. We had arrogant, we had selfish and all of that stuff. It works for all this stuff. But somebody calls you insensitive. Are you an insensitive human being? Probably not. But have you ever said something that made you go, that landed differently than you intended for it to? Of course you did. So instead of asking, is this label who I am, try asking this question when you receive criticism. Is there a behavior underneath this label that's worth me examining? That's not the

Starting point is 00:15:42 way we're wired. So you have to run through that first phase and then pause. You have to be able to say, you have to get open and curious about something, enough that you'll look at it holographically. you'll look around it and see it from other vantage points. Because if somebody's going to call me a name and they don't know anything about me, I mean, I am curious to see how they came up with it. And I also have to be vulnerable and open and interested to examining, doing a little self-examination. Is there a behavior underneath this label that's worth me examining?

Starting point is 00:16:16 And here's a question number two for you. When somebody criticizes you, what's your default reflex? Is it defend, dismiss, or investigate. And I'll share what mine is. My first default reflex is probably the same as yours. It's probably to dismiss. I like to pretend that it didn't matter. Oh, fuck them. Who cares? Or defend, right? My evolution when I run this system is to investigate, get open and curious. What is your first knee-jerk reflex when somebody criticizes you? So this is where the interface response system becomes incredibly useful. As a reminder, there's four steps, perceived.

Starting point is 00:16:54 pause, process, and proceed. So step one, we call perceive. And that's where we allow ourselves to just see what actually happened. Someone called me a misogynist and my program nervous system reacted as it should, as it's been trained to, right? It reared up, reared up on its hind legs and defense without asking me. That's what Perceive is about, is recognizing how your operating system, your nervous system, which has been programmed and persuaded, reacts the way that it always does. But you can just be an observation of it. That's what step one is. Before you say anything, before you actually project or take action, you're just taking notice of it. That's why we call step one, perceive. Take note of how different it is to perceive when you hear, I'm a misogynist

Starting point is 00:17:44 and say, I'm a misogynist. And all I've just done there inside my brain is put a question mark instead of an exclamation point. That's one of the biggest problems that we have is that people, it's this struggle to be right and to know things. Be careful when you put exclamation points behind things. Maybe consider giving yourself the opportunity to replace it with a question mark. I'm a misogynist. I'm a misogynist.

Starting point is 00:18:10 Do a little investigation. We can perceive it as an identity or just an event. When this happens, somebody calls you a name and you have a choice to perceive it. as an identity, like that's when you take it personally, or just as an event that just took place. Huh. That's why when somebody asks me what I think about an event and I don't really know a lot about it because I just perceived it happen, I like to comfortably say, I don't know. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:18:39 I'll have to think about it. And very often, after thinking about it, I still don't know. It's such a comforting thing to not know. So there's a takeaway for the day. Catch yourself trying to know all the time. So what happens is you look at that silly game of perception and you realize that you have this programmed, persuaded operating system that is very often faulty and it validates step two. So just pause.

Starting point is 00:19:04 And that is to say, hmm, haven't made up my mind yet. I see it. I feel it. I'm experiencing it. I'm having my reaction to it inside. But I'm not sure yet. That's what the pause. That's cognitive distancing.

Starting point is 00:19:17 So we become curious in that space. That's what's cool about the pause. And that's what's cool about, hmm. If you haven't made up your mind yet, that prompts curiosity and investigation. We become curious about the event. And that happens when we say, hmm, and that's kind of what, it's an action step towards curiosity. This might be the most important part because your ego wants to skip that part. Your ego does not want to think about something.

Starting point is 00:19:45 Because your ego thinks it's urgent that you formulate and act on a response. He wants to skip it and go right to justifying the label as wrong and then explain unjustification of it. Here's where you're wrong. So think about that. I'm not telling you not to stick up for yourself. I'm not telling you to be a doormat. I'm telling you to protect your good day and your mood and your temperament and your ability to follow through and your ability to not get jammed up on something like this and miss the opportunity to just have a wonderful.

Starting point is 00:20:20 day with your partner or your children or stay on your health program. That's what this is about. I'm not telling you to just roll over here. I'm telling you to protect your extraordinary life, or I'm offering that to you. When we feel attacked, misunderstood, or misrepresented, our conditioned reflex is often to defend ourselves, counterattack, explain, justify, or dismiss the person entirely. Has anyone here ever been ghosted? I've been ghosted. I have this thing, and this is part of my evolution. I always wonder what would have to be true in somebody's perception of me,

Starting point is 00:21:02 or they would decide to ghost me. Remember, just because I feel attacked doesn't mean that I was attacked. When I feel attacked, misunderstood or misrepresented, our conditioned reflex is to often defend ourselves. They might want to fight and argue with you. they might counterattack and try to hurt you back, or justify or even dismiss you entirely. So if somebody ghosts you, whether it was justified or not, is irrelevant.

Starting point is 00:21:32 In their mind, it was justified. They've dismissed you. It's too much. It's too much what they think you did. And if you ever get ghosted and you don't know why, sometimes you know why, and you can apologize, it might not fix it. But if you ever get ghosted and you don't know why and you ask them why, they won't tell you. It might be years before that person comes back to you and tells you

Starting point is 00:21:58 and then realizes how silly it was. So just because you don't think you did something, it's irrelevant. If somebody thinks you did something, that's their reality. So where does that leave us in this game. When you feel misunderstood, what you want to do is be understood. But that doesn't mean that they're going to understand you. So what we're really looking at is not wasting time here in life. So this pause is valuable. It creates space between the label, you know, the judgment and your reaction to the label or judgment or the name. Only in that space, when I pause my knee-jerk reflex, Only in that space can we come back online from unconscious to conscious and just simply get open and curious. And what's that curiosity based on?

Starting point is 00:22:48 What are the actual facts? And also, is this worth my time? Is this worth me spending some of my currency on it? Not just the one-dimensional perception and experience that you experience right away from your program. So then after that pause, we're in that space and we get to do my favorite step. And that's process. We ask questions like, well, who is it that said this? How well do they know me?

Starting point is 00:23:13 In this case, not at all, right? So they just formed an opinion from a distance. What do they actually observe? I don't know. I don't know. What context could they be missing about me? And that's not for me to go say, but here's something you didn't know about me.

Starting point is 00:23:31 Look how much I love my wife and my children and all my clients that are female and all that stuff, right? That's not for that. It's just about me recognizing what would have to be true for them, because I still get to decide at the end of this whether or not it's worth my time. I'll tell you what's not worth my time, things that are unfixable. So here's the harder question. What context could I be missing? That's a question I ask. Have I ever heard something similar to this before? Is there any sort of a quiet pattern? I asked myself, have I noticed that I'm being ghosted often? Is there a quiet pattern going on where I would unknowingly be doing things that would justify

Starting point is 00:24:13 something that this person said without knowing it? We could be doing things without knowing it. You know, this is one of the things I got out of the five languages of love, that famous book, is how if you don't know somebody's love language, like my wife could say, hey, could you take the trash out? And if I don't really have good communication with them, I could think that they said, hey, you lazy bum, do something. You never do anything, right?

Starting point is 00:24:35 Am I ignoring something that's painfully obvious? What do people who've earned my trust think? And perhaps the most uncomfortable question of all is, could there be 5% truth that's buried inside the conclusion that I believe to be 95% wrong? So if somebody calls me a name and I think, God, that is the furthest thing from the truth, could there be just 5% of the truth?

Starting point is 00:25:05 that sits in that, absolutely. And it wouldn't make me that person. That wouldn't make me actually be the person they thought. But it would help me make sense of how they came to that conclusion. It doesn't mean I have to protect myself, but just making sense of this. That doesn't make the other person right by the way, by admitting that or seeing that. It just makes you curious. Because I think at the end of the day, you probably just want to grow into a better version of yourself so you can experience life to its fullest. And that's the secret sauce in the step of called process. And that is where we go into this stuff called selective trust and currency. That's where those things come into play. Being open-minded doesn't mean everybody gets equal voting

Starting point is 00:25:54 rights over your identity. Someone who watched three clips of you online or met you just briefly once doesn't necessarily get the same trust and care, currency, as I call it, as someone who's experienced you intimately for 20 years. Am I right? Should you care about an unsolicited criticism as much as you would if it came from somebody that you really love and appreciate,

Starting point is 00:26:22 somebody that falls under the things and people that matter most to you? But here's the catch. And it takes a lot of courage and a deep desire to grow as a person. So if you don't have courage and a deep desire to grow as a person, this stuff is really hard. Distance does not automatically make someone wrong either. Distancing yourself from something does not automatically make that person wrong.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Sometimes distance creates a bit of distortion. Sometimes distance creates an alternative perspective. So here's what I mean by that. If I distance myself from something, which I'm inviting you to do, it doesn't make me wrong. It doesn't make them wrong. What it does is it allows space for perspective and alternative perspective. So maybe the proactive question isn't, are they right or wrong? Maybe it's this.

Starting point is 00:27:17 Is there anything useful here? Is there anything useful here? I love to ask that question. So if I have this deep desire to grow as a person and experience life, to its fullest, especially surrounding the things that matter most to me in this present moment where life's actually taking place. And all of a sudden something comes in and tries to disrupt the space. Like cancer, by the way, I love to ask the question, is there anything useful here? And now we get to the part of this conversation that might be even more difficult for everybody.

Starting point is 00:27:50 Because let's say that you've done all that. It doesn't mean that it's easy. None of those stuff is supposed to be easy, by the way, but it's really, really nice when it promotes growth. So let's say that you've done all this stuff. You've looked at it honestly. You've asked people that you trust, examined your behavior. And the conclusion that you came to is, nope, it's not true what they said about me. This person is wrong about me. It must have less to do with me and more to do with them and their current reality. Now what do we do? So you've done all this work and you've come to the conclusion that they were wrong. They misjudged you. They misunderstand you. now what do we do so this is where something that i wrote and makes sense you know in the book

Starting point is 00:28:33 chapter seven to be exact comes into play that chapter seven was called right versus kind it's great story but a great lesson and that's my book makes sense how to rewire your mind and transform your life so right versus kind when somebody inaccurately labels you the desire to prove your right can become very very seductive when you find out and you check the facts and you find out that something somebody said about you is wrong, you could be very, very easily seduced to prove that you're right now. You want to present your case as if you're in a court of law and your evidence to correct the record, like as if there's a record. You know, it's on record that you've been called a bad name, we're referred to. And you want to show

Starting point is 00:29:19 them exactly why they're wrong. You want to prove it to the jury. Maybe even explain why their judgment says more about them than it says about you. Remember, that's one of those. You've taken all this time to do all this healthy work, and then you go back to one of your knee-jerk reflexes, and that is to, like, attack or defend. And here's the thing. Maybe you'd be right in doing so to tell them and correct the situation. But I have to say about that is, hmm, do you really need to prove it? I want you to really think, this is a tough one. a lot of people would disagree with me just because of the reality that they're in and that's fine. But do you really need to prove that you're right to somebody, especially somebody that probably doesn't deserve that time? Does being right really matter here? Especially if there are no grounds for

Starting point is 00:30:11 the name and the label that they threw at you. If there are no grounds for the name and the label or the criticism that somebody threw at you, why should we fucking care? Being right and being kind aren't always mutually exclusive of one another. Sometimes we have to choose which drives a healthier response and a better outcome for the day. That's the challenge right there. When your ego rears up and you want to prove that you're right, you've completely lost sight of your day and all the things that you said you wanted to do. I had a great mentor one day says, what did we ever get from proving that we're right? And I realize nothing. I mean, there are certain situations, I understand. But for the most part, we just waste time. The need to be right

Starting point is 00:30:59 asks this, how do I make them understand they're wrong about me? But if you choose instead of being right to be kind, you would ask this, what response represents the person that I want to be? So the difference is, how do I make them understand that they're wrong about me? And the other one is, how can I respond in a way that represents the person that I want to be, that I want people to see? That question changes everything, because if you call me something, I don't believe that I am, and I become furious, insulting, combative, obsessed with proving that you're wrong, I've just handed you control over the very thing that I'm trying to defend, myself and my day. call me selfish everybody but i want to have a great day today i am a selfish bastard right i want to have

Starting point is 00:31:52 a great day today i want to squeeze the most out of this day experience the present moment to its fullest especially with my diagnosis and all of that you know i don't really think too much about stupid shit anymore i want to have an amazing day to day i want to live this blessing of life to its fullest and i can't accomplish that and i can only do this with a sound mind in that space the power of the pause. I can't accomplish this if I blindly hand control over to a situation that's beyond my control

Starting point is 00:32:23 just because I want to be right. If this ended up being my last day of life, how do I want to live it? I make my decisions based on that. That's why I don't give a shit about certain things. The mindful deviant says, that's where the power of the pause comes in. Take space before you respond. Exactly. Reacting and responding are very different.

Starting point is 00:32:49 Reacting is something that is in response to an involuntary reaction is something that's in response to your operating system, the way it always does it. Responding is when you think about it first. And that's the power of the pause. So here's a question that I want you to answer. I will call this question number three. Have you ever won an argument but disliked the person that you became while winning it. Yes or no, I'll go first. Yes, of course. I have been right and won arguments and then realize I didn't like the version of myself that did it.

Starting point is 00:33:29 Sometimes the strongest response isn't winning. Sometimes strength is being curious enough to investigate the criticism, confident enough to reject that it does. doesn't belong to you, which means you have to investigate first. Humble enough to own what aspects of it are true and kind enough not to punish somebody simply because they see you differently than you see yourself. Why do we have to punish people for seeing you differently than you see for yourself? Guys, I went through all of this stuff. It really hurt at first because for personal reasons to be referred to as a misogynist because that's like one of the last things I'd ever want to be referred to us. So at first, my knee-jerk reflex internally didn't like that at all. Felt insulted,

Starting point is 00:34:20 all of that stuff. But I went through this process and the outcome was wonderful. I have no hard feelings. I'm completely functional and enjoying life and, you know, on track. I have no opinion about this person because I don't know them. I'm assuming they're a wonderful person. I don't harbor any ill will because I went through this process. And that leads me perhaps to the hardest truth of today's conversation. Are you ready for this? The hardest truth. Somewhere out there, you're probably right now the villain in somebody's story.

Starting point is 00:34:56 Right now, somebody considers you the villain in their story. You're selfish in someone else's story. Whether you know it or not. Some of you know this, you've shared it, but some of you are arrogant. in another person's story. Some of you are losers in somebody else's story. Misogynist in another. Difficult, insensitive, weak,

Starting point is 00:35:21 controlling, narcissistic, fake, privileged in somebody else's story. That's happening right now out there. Whatever it is, it's probably living in somebody's story about you right now. We don't get to edit their story, especially if we don't even know what's happening.

Starting point is 00:35:37 That's outside of our wheelhouse. But here's what's inside your wheelhouse and in your control is what you do when you discover that the story exists. It's like I did. Do you attack? Do you collapse? Do you obsess about it? Do you defend, dismiss? Or do you just say, huh?

Starting point is 00:35:58 I don't recognize myself in that description. But before I throw it away, let me take a look behind the curtain, under the hood. Let me take a look at my ego and my operating system. that's interesting that somebody was able to form that label about me. Maybe after looking like that, you're going to discover that they're completely wrong. Great. Well, then just let it go. I believe these things are gifts and opportunities for growth.

Starting point is 00:36:25 Just like my cancer. You know, I don't know if any of you know how Elrod, he wrote The Miracle Morning, but he's got this spectacular cancer story. He's coming on the show. And him and I, just like, when we start talking, we just talk about the same things. but it's all mindset. Just like my cancer diagnosis, I tell people all the time that for whatever reason,

Starting point is 00:36:46 I have been given this cancer thing. I've been practicing optimal health for 20 years. Don't drink, don't smoke, all of that stuff. And I've all of a sudden been given this terrible adversity as far as society has taught me to think. I don't want to waste this opportunity to grow. I choose instead to be grateful for the opportunity to grow from it, just like the name that I was like.

Starting point is 00:37:08 labeled with. I'm going to look at it the same way and say, how can I learn from this? How can I grow from this? And you know what? Maybe they're right. You know what my wife told me? And this is my wife, my best friend. And she says, well, sometimes, you know, you might say things that come across misogynistic to me. And I was like, well, give me an example, like not defending myself. So now my wife is telling me, like, every time I say something, she's like, that was a little misogynistic. So now now I'm getting all that in the house, right, which is fun. Now, somebody who may have misunderstood you has inadvertently helped you understand yourself better if you take it this way.

Starting point is 00:37:50 Stupendous, outstanding, right? And that's where caring less and trusting less and selective caring and selective trust, they become a superpower. My response to my friend that told me about this comment, after thinking all of it through, you know, and being open and curious and in that space was, it's fine, I don't care. And what I meant by that is that it didn't bother me. And I have no rebuttal.

Starting point is 00:38:17 I have other things to do that are more important and more endearing to me. So their response to that was, you don't care? Which is expected. And I said, no, of course I care. In fact, I care a lot. I care more than most people. I care about my wife, I care about my kids, I care about my health, my commitments, my friendships, living in the present moment, my goals, my dreams. I just don't care about this.

Starting point is 00:38:46 Make sense? Caring less, my friends, doesn't mean not caring. This is what my new book is about. It means becoming more selective and discerning about where your care goes. Now, I will say this, their label may deserve a little bit of my care and say. if care was currency and you only get a lot of an amount, that blind spot that it exposed, maybe that little 5%, might deserve a few care coins. And the human being that's standing on the other side of that label may still deserve

Starting point is 00:39:20 kindness and forgiveness for being a fellow human being. But that's it. That's it. You know, there's a paradox here that I love. And this is a fun one as we come to a close. The more secure that we become in knowing who we are, the safer that we become to question who we are. The more secure we are in ourselves, the safer we feel to question ourselves. Think about that.

Starting point is 00:39:49 Insecurity says, don't look. This is what it means to be insecure. Don't look. You might find something you like. Confidence says something different. Hey, let's take a look at it. If there's something there, we'll deal with it. and maybe we'll grow from it.

Starting point is 00:40:03 And that brings me to the final question. This one is not about me. This is about you, this final question. You ready? What label are you still carrying and caring about that somebody else gave you? Maybe this talk and this moment is the time to stop caring about it. Does anybody here want to get rid of a label today or stop caring about it? Because maybe it's time to stop caring about it, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:40:27 And drop it into the bucket labeled things that no longer apply in my life. ungrateful. Smoky says ungrateful. Smoky just got some liberation. It's still there, but he just doesn't care about it anymore because it no longer applies. So maybe it's time to stop caring about it. It's a pretty simple concept that only requires your deep desire to grow, as I said before, and experience life for all that it has to offer. Look at it holographically from all angles. Ask yourself the uncomfortable questions. Ask people who've earned your trust what they think and value that more. Keep what's useful, discard what isn't, own what's true and valuable, learn from what you can, care less about the things that are not

Starting point is 00:41:13 yours to care about that haven't earned your trust and your care, and release the rest because you don't need someone else's concession in order to be settled in yourself. You don't need to make somebody wrong in order for it to be right for you. And you certainly don't need to destroy their perception of you in order to preserve your perception of yourself. You get to decide that. Love and appreciate you all. Have an amazing day. We'll see you next week. That's it for today. Bye-bye now. That's it for today. To support the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast, be sure to subscribe, like, and share, as well as follow the Make Sense. substack for free daily quotes, live streams, and blogs.

Starting point is 00:42:01 And remember, learning without action is just another form of distraction. If something hit home and you learn something today, give it away. That's the only way it's going to stay. See you next time. Makes sense. If you like the show, please take a moment to rate, review, and subscribe. It really does help the show to grow. Thank you for listening.

Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - Misunderstoond - How to handle unsolicited criticism - E207

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