Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - The Paradox of Friendship - Episode 122

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast. This podcast covers topics that expand human consciousness and performance. On the Make Sense podcast, we acknowledge that it's who you are that determines how well what you do works, and that perception is a subjective and acquired taste. When you change the way that you look at things, the things that you look at begin to change. The Make Sense podcast is sponsored and primarily funded by the Make Sense Academy. Our private community, where open and curious seekers of growth and expansion, apply the make sense principles and systems to move from simply going through life to growing through life. So check out the Make Sense Academy, risk-free, for less than you'll spend today on shit that you don't need. Welcome, my friends, to the uprising of the sleepwalking masses. Welcome to the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. Dornick podcast.

Starting point is 00:00:58 Makes sense. Great morning world. friends. This is Dr. J.C. Dornick, otherwise known as, and sometimes goes by The Dragon. And welcome to another edition of the Make Sense with Dr. J.C. podcast. And we've got a doozy for you today. I think we need to use the word dozy a little bit more often. What do you think? What's your verdict on the word dozy? I don't want to see that word get phased out. Today we are going to have a great, great topic. And it's controversial because of the fact that this topic is going to awaken you, which is a good thing, to something that is probably running on autopilot in the realm of our want, need, and desire to have friendship in our lives and what we think that that equates to. I call this today the paradox of friendship.

Starting point is 00:01:49 What we're going to be discussing is how the idea and practice of not needing friends could be the actual catalyst that draws the right ones close. to you. One of these situations where by not doing something, which is kind of a very Buddhist thing, intentionally not doing something, because you can learn what I'm about to share with you and do it as a strategy to attract people into your life. It won't work as well as if you actually get to this place where you recognize you don't need something in order to be happy. So this is one of my favorite topics in any sense where we look at the idea of something that we're always striving for and driving towards, but then losing sight of the fact that the very idea that that outside force is going to be the catalyst and is a precursor to you being happy, whole and

Starting point is 00:02:40 full in your life, to live an extraordinary life, to have a good life experience, the awakening that you're placing all of your eggs in one basket. Because if that doesn't happen, and it doesn't happen the way you'd like it, well, then you don't get to live an extraordinary life. It's kind of like the topic of the suck. We know that the obstacle is the way. but we also can awaken and recognize that for the most part, life does suck primarily. There's more suck than fun and reward. So I woke up one day in that sense and I said, well, then I'm going to spend most of my life sucking.

Starting point is 00:03:12 So I might as well learn how to embrace and enjoy and revel in the suck. So this is called the paradox of friendship, how not needing friends draws the right ones closer. It's going to entertain the idea of looking at the person that has learned to walk alone and be happy and fulfilled and feel whole without needing anything else. And it's a constant battle because here I am doing a podcast and sharing with you. Part of my conditioned mind is hoping you like it and hoping that you agree on some sorts of things. So I have to constantly run what I call the interface response system to check myself before I wreck myself and just say, hmm, what else might be true? And the whole premise of my work as a reminder is just the acknowledgement

Starting point is 00:03:57 and observation that we live in a world that, for the most part, does the thinking for us, that does the persuading of our thoughts. And we have this interesting thing as a human being. When we get an idea, a thought, or a feeling, we can easily think that it's us that had created it and therefore put an exclamation point at the end without recognizing that we've conditioned and programmed by the things that we consume. And we understand that what it is that we consume with regularity ends up being what we end up assuming with regularity. So this is going to be our opportunity to get into our prefrontal

Starting point is 00:04:32 cortex, the part of your brain that actually is you consciously thinking, unpersuaded by the lower levels of your subconscious mind. And the way that I do that is I give you a different way of looking at things. And you'll see that it makes you go, hmm, what do I think about that? The blessing there is you're in your prefrontal cortex and you're thinking for yourself. So the observation is that we spend so much of our lives searching for the right people. And those are the ones that kind of see us. I think we all want to be seen and heard and acknowledge. But those are the ones that see us, the people that support us, and stay through the storm. Somebody that I value is somebody that is by my side through the tough times. I also very, very much enjoy friendships that are forgiving and people that understand that people

Starting point is 00:05:21 make mistakes and things like that. But here's the distinction. What if real friendship doesn't begin with finding anyone at all. And what if it starts with learning to walk alone, working on yourself, and coming to this realization that you never are actually alone in the first place, and we're going to dig into that. So maybe we don't ever really find a good friend. Perhaps the action step is to become a good friend.

Starting point is 00:05:51 Have you ever considered that as the first step? We spend so much time looking for stuff out. outside to bring into our lives? Have you ever thought of being that for somebody else and becoming attractive? We're going to talk about this magnetic pull of somebody that is just happy and confident and whole in themselves. So most of us go through life searching for people who get us. That's a great feeling. You make sense to them. And that falls in the category of things like chemistry and solid foundations for friendship. So we look for friends and partners who can fill the spaces that we've left unheeled.

Starting point is 00:06:27 Isn't that what we're kind of looking for? We're looking to fix things in our lives. But that search often begins from a quiet sense of lack. And there's one of the challenges with it. The subtle belief that someone out there will make us feel whole, make us feel seen, or finally understood. You don't have to resent people and say, hey, screw them if they don't get me. You could just say, interesting.

Starting point is 00:06:51 And leave it at that. I'm going to go do me. So the friendships that last, the ones that feel effortless and rooted, are rarely born as a result of your pursuit and your efforts. Things that we want typically don't come from where we're looking. They typically come from the sides. So there's got to be some sort of an energetic attraction to the real, real good things. I've never found what I was looking for. I feel like it almost found me.

Starting point is 00:07:20 So they arise from things like alignment. They happen when two people meet and they're at what I call the friendship frequency that entails things like self-respect and not self-need. Now, there's also the X-factor and all kinds of weird things happen in life, but this is just my observation. So the real work of finding good friends begins in the mirror. And it's interesting because as I'm speaking to you right now, I can't see any of you. I can only see myself. So I'm looking in the mirror right now. I don't know what you're looking at.

Starting point is 00:07:51 You're looking at me. the real work begins in the mirror. So when you build a loving, honest friendship with yourself, and this is what it takes to walk alone, some other distinctions as well, you stop grasping for one outside of you. You stop auditioning for connection. Isn't that a funny way to look at what we're doing? It's kind of like an audition. A lot of people say, I don't like sales. Well, we kind of are selling ourselves in the friendship market, aren't we? So you stop needing someone else to make you feel worthy. That's one of my favorite topics. This is a great book, Jamie Kern-Lima, who I'm going to get to meet because I'm seeing this big show in San Diego in December, and she's one of the featured

Starting point is 00:08:35 speakers. But I love that word worthy, right? We stop grasping for things on the outside and auditioning to feel worthy. And something quiet but powerful begins to happen when you learn to do that. And that's what my hope is, is that this is going to help you think and acknowledge and awaken to something that you can take action with today. And that is working on the person in the mirror. It'll help your energy change. So think about the things that we can control. If you're being controlled by outside forces and desires and needs, then your energy is going to be a symptom and a side effect of those. But if you learn to change your own energy, well, you're going to become an irresistible magnet.

Starting point is 00:09:19 So you start broadcasting a new kind of a signal, one that says, I'm whole, but open. Because it doesn't mean that we're not open to outside things coming in, but we don't need them. We don't need them. And that signal calls in others who are whole as well, but open. If you're looking for good quality people to come into your life, it begins with you being a good quality person, doesn't it? When you attract those kinds of friends, people that are already whole, people that walk alone and don't need you as well, the real ones, life gets richer, doesn't it? So the juice becomes worth the squeeze. We're going to go out and squeeze today.

Starting point is 00:10:02 If you don't squeeze, if you don't follow through with some of the things that you say you're going to do today and one of them could be walking alone. The reason why you won't is you'll lose sight of the value of the juice. We squeeze for the juice. But what if we squeeze and learn how to squeeze just for the squeeze? Because the right friends don't just share your laughter. They expand your capacity for laughter. They hold you accountable for your potential, and they remind you of who you are when you forget. That's what I think a good friend does.

Starting point is 00:10:35 And I also create space for them to be allowed to do that. I permit it. Good friends offer perspective when you lose sight. And they also walk beside you, not just through the sunshine, but through the storm, and they stay steady and true. So good friends are like an emotional oxygen. They give you the freedom to exhale to be engaged. exactly who you are without the mask. I think that's the value, but this is why we seek it.

Starting point is 00:11:03 So their presence alone makes life easier to navigate and also harder to quit. Isn't that what a good friend does? It makes life easier to navigate knowing that they're there, but it also makes it harder to quit. Even perfect friendships require some maintenance. And I think somebody right now probably is recognizing that you probably need to go make a couple more deposits than expecting withdrawals from your friends today. Because remember, that's the first step. B. Connection is a living thing. And like anything else, it erodes when it is neglected.

Starting point is 00:11:38 That's why we have to have that maintenance. True friendship isn't effortless, by the way. It's inconvenient at times. It's intentional, though. It asks for honesty, patience, forgiveness, and a mutual commitment to keep showing up during the inconvenient times. To keep listening, even when it's hard to listen. That's what a good friend does. And it requires forgiveness and second and third and fourth and fifth chances. Have you ever noticed how quick somebody gives up on you when you screw up, when you fuck something up?

Starting point is 00:12:15 Is that a real friend? And if you say, no, that's not a real friend. Are you a real friend? Will you give them a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chance? And this is a big part of marriage too, isn't it? But do we actually need friends? I was raised thinking that I need friends. It's like a prerequisite to having a good life. Does your happiness depend on others, other people and other things? And this is where shiny objects come into place. You know, we've become minimalist. Like we get rid of anything that no longer up. applies in our life. So there's great power in the one that learns to walk alone. Are you somebody that

Starting point is 00:12:56 has learned to walk alone? The man or a woman who can walk alone without feeling lonely is the one who sees that they're not alone at all. And this is one of my perspectives that I'm going to give you that I kind of just observed on my own. And I'll explain why I don't ever feel alone, even when I'm walking alone. This is about recognizing that human separation and difference is actually an illusion. The idea that you and I are separate and unique from one another, it's an illusion, just like seeing different waves in the ocean and forgetting that they're part of the same ocean. We are all connected beneath the surface of this illusion. And I'm going to explain how I believe we're all connected. Because I think we say that, we say, oh, we're all connected. You know, we all come from the same place.

Starting point is 00:13:48 If you entertain the Big Bang Theory and then some. So this understanding removes the desperation that so often contaminates our search for companionship. Those who can find happiness walking alone don't reject friendship. So this is not saying that friendship were closed for business. We don't have our right protect switch on our SD cards that says no new information, no new people. If it presents itself under the right terms with the right energy, potentially in the realm of synchronicity, well, the person that has learned to walk alone, they accept it. They simply don't cling to it or depend on it in order to feel fulfilled. Make sense? So when you see through the illusion of separateness, and this is challenging, because we all think that we're special.

Starting point is 00:14:39 I mean, we're kind of taught that we were special. But when we see through the illusion of separateness. Something amazing happens. I love the word amazing. Something amazing happens. You begin to realize that the belief in being a distinct, isolated version of human is what creates the feeling of emptiness in the first place that makes you think that you need something from the outside. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. The idea that you're separate and unique is where the void and the lack comes from, the emptiness in the first place. The man who walks alone or the woman who walks alone sees that our experience of consciousness, so I don't know what your thought is of consciousness, but we know that consciousness does not originate in the brain,

Starting point is 00:15:27 but our experience of consciousness isn't something that takes place on some sort of personal property that you own. It's shared. It's shared in a field that we all interface with at varying levels of awareness. What I'm saying now is that we are all connected because we are all individually interacting and interfacing energetically in the same field. And that would be the field of consciousness. It sits in between you and I, but it connects us. Some operate with closed perception, while others operate with open and curious awareness. But all of us draw from the same source, don't we? And once you truly entertain that consciousness itself is what connects us all, you can move differently from that point. You experience a relaxed confidence that comes from knowing

Starting point is 00:16:21 that you were never and will never be alone because we are connected by the field of consciousness. I'm interfacing with the field of consciousness right now and that connects me to all of you. And it's interesting to note that this awareness, if you're enjoying that with me right now, and confident state of not needing what it does to you, it makes you magnetic and attractive, not intentionally because it wasn't your intention, but because your feeling of wholeness radiates what others are still blindly searching for. You start to become the person that people want to be around, and you didn't even know it. Why? Because you don't need. You don't need. And that's attractive. That's attractive. Remember, we're all

Starting point is 00:17:11 interfacing. You can feel people's energy. And that might show up as confidence or just not needing, not needing. So those still caught in the illusion of seeking validation, joy, and fulfillment outside of themselves are drawn towards the calm certainty of the person that has learned to walk alone. And behold, not that you don't need friends, my friends. I'm not saying that. I'm not devaluing a good friend. I think I did a pretty good job of sharing what I think a good friend means, but that you're not alone. Simply sharing space with someone who walks in that knowing, you begin to feel good too. So it's attractive to see somebody like this. And when you start to interface with them, they almost pay it forward and you learn to do it too. So if you ever have a great, great friend and you feel so solid in it

Starting point is 00:18:05 that you feel like you don't need any good friends anymore, it's kind of like you're walking alone. It's like you've been granted that power. It becomes kind of like a pay it forward movement, which I think is super cool, not through words or teaching, but just through mere presence, without needing or desiring anything or anyone to become whole yourself. One person remembering their connection, and I hope that that's you today. One person remembering their connection reminds others of their own. And the cycle continues. Expanding awareness outward, one friendship at a time.

Starting point is 00:18:43 It's easier said than done, but it's better done than said to learn how to walk alone. People who don't need anyone but appreciate everyone. I try to be that. Can you see that those who walk alone in happiness attract and inspires others like them. Not by needing friends and not trying to find them makes them attractive. You not only attract new friends, but you attract quality friends. If you look around right now and you don't feel like you have quality friends and you're kind of sucking your thumb about that, become one. And it starts by just learning to walk alone. Now, I want to give you a warning.

Starting point is 00:19:24 A big fun part of my book is where I entertain this idea that I think I'm made up called the flow burglar. So this is a flow burglar warning for those of you that decide today to begin the idea and entertain walking alone and being happy without needing. Learning to walk alone takes praction, and that is where practice and action take place in the same place. That's the practice of being in action. So you're not going to be good at this at first. So give yourself a break. Take a chill on that. You might doubt yourself. You might experience that you're conditioning, maybe trying to persuade you back to that state of needing others to find happiness. Like, what are you doing?

Starting point is 00:20:02 Silly rabbit? Tricks are for kids. You can't do this alone. God, we tell people you can't do this alone. Of course you can do this alone. It's nice when you don't have to, but of course you can. Fall in love with your decision to walk alone in confidence and consider it some sort of a vacation or like a friendship fast.

Starting point is 00:20:25 Fast in the realm of friend. ship, but I just want you to know that you become attractive to a different type of person. We call them flow burglars. So beware of flow burglars. Flow burglars, in case you didn't know, are individuals from the extreme other side of your new awareness. You're a threat to them. They represent those who think that their job in this planet, it makes them feel whole. Sometimes we're doing negative things and thinking that it feels whole because it elevating us in some way. Flow burglars are individuals from the extreme other side, and they represent those that think that their job is to stop you from doing

Starting point is 00:21:02 something foolish. They have a good intention. If somebody's trying to cramp your style, they think that they're like serving you by saying, don't be a fool. They believe that the idea of straying from the herd and walking on your own is stupid, and it's a dumb idea. Have compassion for these people. When you spot them, express compassion and forgiveness for them. Why? They know not what they do. They hate because they ain't, right? They hate you because they ain't you. They don't know that.

Starting point is 00:21:34 They actually envy you in reality. So you can take it as a compliment if somebody tries to knock you down. They actually envy you, but they also fear you. And that's where the compassion can come in. As your decision to stray from the herd, to stray from the pack, threatens and sheds light on the reality that they don't have the courage to do it themselves. Make sense? So express forgiveness and compassion for the flow burglars, and they will eventually, here's the win, not the intention, but they will eventually see the beautiful light of truth

Starting point is 00:22:09 and most likely follow it because it's logical. And it's probably what they want. They just don't know it's possible. They need your help more than anyone else that you need. So have compassion for the flow burglars. Don't knock them down because they tried to knock you down. Take it as a compliment and understand why they're doing that. So you'll see the same thing in business, by the way. For those of you that are entrepreneurs and you're trying to grow your podcast or your business or your products and your services,

Starting point is 00:22:38 you're going to see the same thing happen. The professional who radiates that calm confidence, and that could come from just a love and knowing that you know that you know that whatever it is that you are writing or serving is a very, very high value idea for other people. You know that it helps because you've, experienced it yourself. You have that calm confidence and that's that person that doesn't chase or

Starting point is 00:23:01 force sales. They don't chase clients or force anything upon people. They become irresistibly attractive because of that. What's unattractive is when somebody just makes this assumption that you need them or you need what they have to offer. People are drawn to someone that knows their own value because it makes them feel safe. If you are talking about something that you do that I kind of like in a hiding place in my mind, know I need, but you're not talking about it as if I need it. It makes me feel safe to know that you know that it's a good thing and I can decide it on my own. So in business, we know that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. You've heard that a million times. But what you can do in business by walking alone is you

Starting point is 00:23:51 salt their oats. So there is a sales component to business, but it's not the sales that you grew up on. It's salting their oats. You can bring them to water, but you can't make them drink, but you can salt their oats. And you know how you salt their oats? You salt their oats with your confidence and your state of not needing them to pull the trigger until it's right for them. That's attractive. If I wake up one day and I'm ready to do business or sign up with someone, a coach or something like that, I'm going to sign up with that person. So that's space where they know that they have found the right person, the product and the service. Within the locus of control, right, they still have the locus of control to decide when and there's no persuasion. Whether it's in friendship, love, or business, neediness and desperation repels people and grounded

Starting point is 00:24:45 authenticity and needlessness attracts people. You become attractive. And when the client candidate, the person that you kind of know in your heart, you can help, just like a friend. When that candidate is ready, they wake up and they have that come to Jesus moment and that fierce urgency of now, it's time, it's my time. They're going to let you know and nobody else. So there's a little bit of a double-edged sword there because another thing that can happen in that space is you can actually take what I've just shared with you and manipulate people. So be careful of that. You know, it's not a perfect science. I want to close with this. I have this thought, and this is one that I might read twice, and I might encourage you to write it down, not to absorb and call truth and put an exclamation point,

Starting point is 00:25:37 but just to think about it. Remember, what I'm looking to do is offer you the opportunity to think in a world that's thinking for you. Here it is. Is that my Dr. Sharon? Maybe the highest form of friendship isn't about finding the right people. Maybe it's about becoming the kind of person that the right people find. So I want to say that again. Maybe the highest form of friendship isn't about finding the right people at all. And maybe it's about becoming the kind of person that the right people find. Make sense? So I'm going to I'm going to leave you with a question, and you can kind of contemplate that. What does being your own best friend look like to you?

Starting point is 00:26:22 What does being your own best friend look like to you? And how do you nurture the friendships that truly matter in your life? Maybe that's what you needed to hear today. Maybe. Because when I look in the mirror today, I'm going to look in the mirror and say, what is it that I need to do today to be the kind of person? that the right kind of people will be attracted to. And I have to check myself, and I'll run the interface response system on that, and I'll say, hmm, what else might be true? Are you doing this

Starting point is 00:26:54 with a pure intention? Or are you doing this to attract people? Because a lot of the stuff, a lot of the self-attractive work that we do in the gym and with our eating and our knowledge and all of that stuff is to become attractive. Because remember, there's something called natural selection taking place that are only the strong survive. So we're all trying to to acquire what Donald Hoffman calls fitness points. We're all trying to increase our value. So you've got to check yourself on that and just come back to yourself, almost like transcendental meditation, transcend your desire and come back to yourself and just say, can I walk alone as this person today and not have to judge whether or not I had a good day or I'm having a good life

Starting point is 00:27:38 or I'm whole by the end of the day by what others thought. If I don't, get any feedback today from outside forces that say that I did a good job, can I still say that I did a good job, just between me and me. Love and appreciate you. Remember something. The highest form of self-actualization is when you embrace this jacuzzi experience, this place where you're making insights, you're becoming aware and you're in the know, and you don't just go out and let it wash away and get a knuckle sandwich from life. You go to the next level and the highest form of self-actualization is by paying it forward and sharing this concept, sharing this podcast, or just sharing it from your heart, something, hey, you know, you don't have to accept

Starting point is 00:28:24 this, but this is something that I heard today and I just want to share it. You'll see that that's how you will take ownership of it. But if you learn something today, give it away because that's how it's going to stay. So have a nice day and we'll see you next time. Bye by now. Makes sense.

Makes Sense - with Dr. JC Doornick - The Paradox of Friendship - Episode 122

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