Mantra with Jemma Sbeg - I Release the Need for External Validation

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

This week's mantra is I Release the Need for External Validation. True confidence comes from within, not from the approval or opinions of others. In this episode of Mantra, we explore how to let go of the desire for external validation and focus on building self-worth rooted in your own values and authenticity. Releasing this need isn’t about ignoring feedback—it’s about trusting yourself and finding fulfillment in being true to who you are. This Mantra will inspire you to prioritize your inner voice, embrace your uniqueness, and live unapologetically on your own terms. For ad-free listening and early access to episodes, subscribe to OpenMind+ on Apple Podcasts. For more from OpenMind, follow us on Instagram @openmindstudios. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is Open Mind. Welcome to a brand new week. Here is your mantra. I release the need for external validation. I'm your host Gemma Speck and I'm here to guide you towards a more centered and fulfilling life. Each week, I'll share personal stories and insights that are focused on a specific mantra, plus journal prompts, and a weekly challenge

for all of us to help put it into action. Think of mantra as your mental reset button, a way to stay centered as you juggle work, school, family, and whatever else life throws at you. Each mantra is a simple, powerful phrase that you can repeat to refocus your thoughts and bring a little bit of calm into your day. It's a small tool with a big impact, clearing your mind, lifting your mood, and rooting you in the present. If you've listened to my other show,

The Psychology of Your 20s, you will know that I'm all about those little nuggets of insight that make a big impact. So whether you are looking for some extra inspiration or you're just trying to ground yourself amidst the chaos, you have come to the right place. At Open Mind, we value your support. Share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review, and follow Mantra to help others discover the show. For more exclusive content, monthly bonus episodes, early access, and ad-free listening,

join our Open Mind Plus community on Apple Podcasts. This week, I'll catch you up on what's been going on in my life and then we'll dive into today's mantra, I release the need for external validation. This mantra is really about finding confidence within yourself and really breaking free from the need for others approval to validate what you're doing in your life. So stick around, we'll be right back after this brief pause. So stick around, we'll be an investment portfolio made and managed for you. Invest for a fraction of the cost

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Welcome back. We're gonna get into this week's mantra in just a second, but before we do, it is time for my highs, lows, and who knows, the majority of the time, I like to tell you guys about a high, sometimes a who knows. Today I'm going to talk about a low. My very deep unshakable opinion is that you cannot make wellness content. You cannot really be someone who cares about wellness or mental health or psychology without being vulnerable

and sharing the difficult parts of your journey alongside some of the joyful, positive, aesthetic parts of it as well. There are definitely two sides of this corner of the world and the side I am on at the moment is not the healing, transformative, positive side. I've been really dealing with a lot of anxiety this past week, and it's the kind of anxiety, the worst kind, that has no really discernible origin, just kind of sits there, it's like poking you

over and over again, and it's scrambling things in like my fear center, trying to get my attention whenever it can. Something that's been really frustrating is that with this wave of just anxiety that's come out of nowhere, I've been waking up at like 3 a.m., 4 a.m., just shaking for whatever reason and I cannot tell you why. And I've also just been having like the most vivid, sometimes even violent dreams, like the kind that you wake up and they stick with you for hours and even days after you wake up. So I need someone to tell me if there is something up with

the moon or the stars or the planet or something energetically happening that is creating this, because this has come out of nowhere for me. You know, normally my anxiety is well within my control through exercise, through meditation, through mantras. At the moment, not the case. There's been a lot of tears this past week. Couple of small mini meltdowns because I burnt my toes to the morning or I missed my train, or something small has gone wrong.

I have to just keep reminding myself, that's also just life though. I learned a long time ago that anxiety is basically just like the weather. You've got to really appreciate the sunny, calm days when they come and bunker down for the bad, knowing that there is not a storm that does not pass. This one will pass as well. But yes, I want to know if it's just been me over here struggling, riding the anxiety train this week because sometimes I think one of our biggest solaces that we have as humans is the knowledge that our hard moments are shared.

And that there is someone else out there thinking, me too, like I'm here with you. And if that's the case, well, I'm just sending a lot of love because it's been rough. Also a really big tip, who knows that I have for days like these in these moments. And it's something that always calms me down is actually a sound frequency called 528 Hertz. This is a sound frequency that you can listen to on Spotify or on YouTube that reduces stress and naturally helps lower cortisol and induce a positive mood.

There was an amazing study on this in 2021 published in the journal, European Psychology. And since learning about the power of sound to influence my nervous system, it has been such an important tool in my mental health toolkit. So there you go. You get a life update and a recommendation. But enough about me. Let's move into today's mantra. I release the need for external validation. What a powerful mantra to really hold on to today. I just want to repeat it one more time.

I release the need for external validation. Who amongst us doesn't need to be reminded of this every now and again, maybe even daily? I would love to meet the magical mystical person for whom external validation holds no power because for the majority of us I think we tend to forget that the external opinions and judgments of others are firstly quite frankly none of our business and secondly not the sole decider of our worth. That's something we forget. We spend hours, days even of our lives consumed with the private thoughts and feelings

of people who we sometimes don't even know and don't even care about because we think that what they think is more important than what we feel and what we know to be true. We think that somehow they should be allowed to be the most important person in our life for that moment. And then for many moments afterwards, because we continue to let their opinion define us, but truly we cannot allow ourselves to be defined by something that is beyond us, that we have no control of, that we have no connection to, because then we really do end up losing control over our personhood.

And that is really what this mantra is all about to me, releasing our need for external validation and with that, embracing our ability to validate ourselves and to have self assurance, confidence even really and who we are. So let's break down how we can go about that. But firstly, why is it that external validation holds so much emotional weight for us? To be completely clear with you, wanting external validation is an entirely human thing. Humans are inherently social creatures. Our ancestors relied on social bonds and group acceptance for survival. Being part of a tribe meant access to safety, to food and resources and rejection on the other hand. Rejection from that tribe would mean isolation and danger. So this need for acceptance and validation has become

wired into our brains basically as a fundamental survival mechanism. Seeking external approval basically ensures that connection and belonging, which we historically needed for survival, is something that we continue to prioritize. So neurologically, we are programmed to observe and mirror the reactions of those around us. When we receive praise, approval, recognition, our brain releases all those feel-good chemicals that we know too well, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin.

They reinforce the behavior and they foster the need for that emotional reward. And this system really helps us navigate social relationships and adapt to our environment, which again is really, really important. External validation, it simply feels great. It feels good. It builds our self-worth.

It gives us a sense that we belong, but it is not the be-all and end-all of who we are, and nor should we allow it to be. It is probably at this point that I should really articulate what internal validation is as an alternative to external validation. So external validation takes a lot of forms and some of them are important. So people showing you that they care about you, receiving an award at work, getting a bonus or a grade you really deserve, being told that you have inspired someone.

Those are all important forms of external validation. But then there is the kind of validation that we can't necessarily rely on. So compliments, praise, social media validation through likes, comments, DMs, being publicly recognized as successful or having accomplished something. We really do need to strike a healthy balance. These things are really, really nice, but they are not everything. So external validation comes from the outside, comes from beyond yourself.

Internal validation on the other hand, comes from within and emerges from something called your self-concept. Self-concept is basically the perception that you have of yourself, whether it's a good one or a bad one. So internal validation, what does that feel like? Well, it feels like being proud of yourself. It feels like celebrating your own wins without needing others to see them as important, trusting yourself, respecting your boundaries, speaking positively about yourself, true self-acceptance. Here is kind of how I have always pictured the balance

between external and internal validation. Internal validation should make up 80 to 90% of who we believe we are. So if we think about validation as a diet, right? Internal validation, it's our whole foods, it's our fiber, it's our nutrients, it's our whole grains, our fruits, our vegetables. It's the real nourishing stuff. External validation is the delicious cupcake, it's the glass of champagne,

it's the pizza on a Friday night. All amazing things, beautiful things, yummy things, but you cannot build a healthy lifestyle or a healthy self concept on treats, even though they taste so good. So the danger with exclusively tying our self-worth to something that exists outside of you and your control, whether that is others' opinions or job performance or success, the danger is that those elements are actually quite fickle, so they can disappear or be shaken very easily.

Whereas when you have a strong self-concept and a strong internal validation system, that is something that you are in control of. So let's think about validation from your achievements as an example. So if that is your only source of confidence and self-worth, what happens during those periods where you're slowing down, when you're burnt out, when you're not achieving anything, because no one can be doing that all the time. Also, let's ask the big question. What happens when you fail? That's something we are all destined to experience at some point. Let's think about two people in this instance. So let's call person one Lauren, and Lauren is 27.

She's, you know, always been an overachiever. She went from being valedictorian to being a merit scholar at college or university. There she had, you know, the perfect internships on her resume. She graduated into the perfect graduate job. Then she moved up the ranks really quickly. Lauren has always been told that she is a bit of a wonder kind. She is killing it. She's pushed herself year after year.

She feeds off praise and the praise has always come to her. Then we have Jasmine, person two. Jasmine is the same as Lauren. She has everything that Lauren has. She's also killing it at her job. She's also done very well in her past, but Jasmine also focuses on small wins in her personal life. So the thing that she is most proud of is her kindness towards others and that people

come to her with their problems. She's also really proud of the relationship that she has with her family and how she shows up for them. So she simply just likes herself as a person beyond achievement and beyond work. Neither of these two people, Lauren or Jasmine, is any better than the other. But consider what happens when they encounter a failure. For Lauren, this is going to be devastating because her entire self-worth is

built on something that could crumble at any time. But for Jasmine, her job is a really important part of who she is. Her achievements make her feel proud, but if it was all to disappear, she would still know who she is and she would still be able to validate those parts of herself. The other thing that relying too heavily on external validation does is hinder our decision making because we are considering other people more than we consider ourselves and what would make us happy. Think about wanting to quit your well-paying job, your good job for something that you are passionate about. If you are

reliant on external validation, a lot of people are going to think that you are making a bad decision and a lot of the time when you're pursuing your passion, you are not going to be reinforced by praise. People are not going to clap for you. So that can really sway you. That can cause you to stay where you are out of fear of upsetting others and what they think you owe them, especially people like family, parents, mentors, they're going to want you to stay on the safe, secure path, right? Each of us has an internal compass that hopefully we can use to find North. And North is really the life we truly want, the dreams we have, the decisions we want to make.

External validation is like a magnet that keeps disrupting the compass. It's pulling you away from north and towards directions that aren't truly yours, directions that are set by others' expectations, opinions or approval. And because of this push and pull, we really do start to lose faith in our own compass, the second guessing its guidance, because it doesn't seem to be doing its job. Instead of really trusting the pull towards what feels right for us, we follow paths that look good to others, that are lit up by applause, praise, but which may leave us feeling very lost, very unfulfilled.

I've seen the consequences of this in my own life. I think about a relationship in particular that I stayed in for far too long because it made my parents happy and I didn't want to admit that this wasn't the love of my life and disappoint them. I think about people I chased when I should have let them go because occasionally they would turn around and give me crumbs and validate me. I think about how I used to say yes to everything and overextend myself at work because I loved it. When my bosses praised me, even when I didn't have a personal life,

the praise was filling that space that should have been filled by self-accomplishment and something that was self-fulfilling. The compass was being pulled. I couldn't tell north. So what happens when you release the need for external validation? Oh my gosh, it's just the most refreshing experience ever. You start to trust yourself, your instincts, your desires, your voice. You start to do

what you want to do. It is freedom in the purest form. You get to redefine success on your own terms, make choices that feel aligned with your values, embrace who you are without an apology. You get to wear what you want, be where you want to be, eat what you feel like, do what you want to do. I really think that the weight of expectation lifts and you realize that the only person you need to impress is yourself and it's not about rejecting connection or feedback. It's about knowing that your worth isn't dependent on someone else's validation. You can really just finally breathe.

All right, I know this is a really nuanced topic, but I hope this mantra serves as a reminder that you don't need anyone else's approval to be your best self, because you already really have everything that you need within you. Coming up, let's talk strategy and how we can put into action our decision to release the need for external validation.

Stay tuned after this quick pause. Clear your schedule for you time with a handcrafted espresso beverage from Starbucks. Savor the new small and mighty Quartado. Cozy up with the familiar flavors of pistachio, or shake up your mood with an iced brown sugar oat shaken espresso. Whatever you choose, your espresso will be handcrafted with care at Starbucks. Now that we've looked at the meaning behind today's mantra, it's time to discuss how we can create the space, the habits, and

the mindset to release our desire for external validation. The first step to doing this is really de-centering the approval of others and putting yourself at the center. What we think about ourself needs to matter first. So this also really requires building our self-concept beyond external things that occur or define us. So I want to give you a really beautiful exercise for getting back in touch with what you love about yourself.

And it's an exercise that focuses on delineating between what you like about yourself because others have told you they're likable and what you actually feel proud of when no one else is around. So I want you to either write down or make a mental list of 10 things that you like about yourself that has nothing to do with your achievements, your looks, or what impresses other people.

So often, I think when we are asked to define ourselves, we characterize ourselves in regards to our job, our accomplishments, our role in others' lives. I'm a sister, I'm a partner, I'm a girlfriend, I'm a wife, I'm a husband. What other people have told us we're good at, or our physical appearance. But instead, focus on what is entirely yours to hold very near and dear. For example, I like that I am curious, even though that might not benefit anyone else.

I like that I am generous. I like that I get chills when I listen to music. I like that I notice beauty. I like that I'm empathetic. Those are all me. So what and who are you? The reason this can be so profound is that it bolsters your ability to validate yourself on your own by really honoring and acknowledging your positive attributes, strengths and achievements

which might not actually get the recognition from others, but which matter to you. And the reason they might not get the recognition from others is because they exist in a very private space within your soul and your mind. This is very similar to an exercise that I like to call, who are you without applause? It's basically intended to detach your sense of self from the external validation we seek. So it's a hypothetical exercise based on three questions. But firstly, you need to find a quiet space, just you, just yourself, and give yourself five minutes to think about a life, think about a reality when no one is defined by success, no one is applauded,

no one is famous, no one is judged, we are just very much allowed to exist in whatever form makes us happy. Now imagine, who are you in this life? Who have you chosen to be? What do you love to do? What choices would you make if no one was watching or commenting? What brings you joy, fulfillment, peace, purely for yourself in this reality? This hypothetical can really act as a guide to make more informed decisions,

which still account for external validation, but which also demote it to that 10% every so often position. And that's really what this mantra is all about, making external validation optional, not a necessity. And finally, finally, I really want you to get comfortable with the idea of disappointing people. You know, as a recovering people pleaser, let me tell you, this is not easy.

And I am still guilty of sometimes sacrificing my own needs for those around me. I used to think that it was because I was a good person and I was a nice person and I wanted to make them happy. Now I realize that I think deep down it was because I really wanted people to like me. And I'm still a good person, but I'm a good person even if I don't have to sacrifice my boundaries. It was a very hard pill to swallow, but it was true. To peel back a few layers for you as a child, I was not very well accepted.

I wasn't well liked. I was bullied. I felt unwanted. And so as a survival mechanism, I quickly realized that everyone likes the person who said yes to everything. Everyone likes the person who puts them first. And I continued to be that person throughout my teen years, throughout my early 20s. You needed a 6 a.m. pick up from the airport.

I was there. You wanted to cancel our plans last minute because your boyfriend wanted to hang out. That's fine. I'll forgive you. You needed me to stay late at the office, even though it wasn't my work and you didn't time manage. Sign me up. I was confusing liking with respect and external validation with self-respect. So here's what I want you to start doing. I want you to start asking yourself, what is the cost of saying yes? Is people pleasing making people happy?

Is it going to cost you your time, your energy, your agency, your choice, your authenticity, your happiness, your freedom? Well, then it's not worth it in exchange for them only liking you because of what you can do for them. Now, what is the cost of saying no? Because if it's just them not liking you and therefore not validating you,

well, if someone only likes you because you say yes all the time and because of what you can do for them, that's not a real connection or a relationship. That is an exploitative deal you've got there. You have to release the need for external validation and then you can also release so many of those relationships as well. I want to show a quote that I feel perfectly captures the heart of this week's mantra, so here is our deep thought of the day.

If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own. That is from Epictetus. Let's just repeat that last part. If you need a witness, be your own. A big part of being human is wanting to be seen. Think about when you were a child and you did a cartwheel or a handstand in the pool,

and it didn't really feel important unless your mom or dad had seen it too. It's wired into us, but as you get older, it becomes more than handstands. It becomes career choices. It becomes self-expression, your sense of self that sometimes we need other people to approve of and believe in.

So no way, you know, this is your life. This is your happiness. And if it feels good to you, who cares if other people don't agree? Now let's take a moment to pause and reflect on today's mantra. In a few seconds, you'll hear a custom music track designed to create space for you to sit with these insights and think about how this mantra could show up for you in your life this week or even longer. And of course if this practice isn't your style, if it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay. You can always just skip ahead about 30 seconds but as you settle in, keep our mantra in mind.

I release the need for external validation, let it guide your thoughts as the music plays and just give yourself that moment to really connect with what this mantra to life. Up next, we are going to talk about how to put these insights into real action and bring this mantra to life. I will share some journal prompts and of course our weekly challenge. Stick around for more after this quick break. Welcome back. Let's dive into how you can bring this week's mantra to life in your daily routine, starting with a journal practice. And if you don't have

your journal with you, that is no problem at all. Simply just hold these questions in your mind, think about your answers. But here are our three prompts to help you explore and connect with this mantra on a deeper level. First, when was the last time you felt defined by someone else's opinions? How did that impact your decision making or your emotions? Next, who or what taught you to measure your worth through external approval and how can you begin to rewrite that narrative? Finally, how do you show up differently when you are not concerned about being judged or seeking approval?

Okay, I've given you plenty to reflect on, but there is still more to explore. Each week as the loyal listeners will know, I'll leave you with a challenge inspired by our mantra. It is all about taking these ideas to the next level, right? Turning reflection into action so you can make meaningful shifts in your daily life. I also want to do some check-ins so that we can hold ourselves accountable. You can reach out to me at mantraopenmind to let me know how the challenge is going.

And next week we'll do a recap on how things went. I might even share a few personal stories with your permission, of course, to help encourage others to participate in the challenge in the future. Remember, this is a two-way street, so I'll keep you in the loop and share how this journey is also unfolding for me as well. Let's talk about last week's challenge.

As a reminder, our mantra last week was I am at peace with my past, present, and future. This mantra was really showing up for me last week. I was thinking so much about past versions of me, perhaps even after doing that episode. It was really inspiring me and really bringing up memories around who I was in high school, who I was in university, who I was in previous relationships. And I think that that mantra actually came at a perfect time for me. It came into my mind at a perfect time when I was juggling who I was in the past and how to become a better version in the future. And I think similar themes came up for many of you as well.

I want to share some of the DMs we got from listeners about last week's episode. This one's from Victoria. How do you find peace with a part of your past that still feels unresolved? I think you have to realize that sometimes time is the resolution. How I picture it is waves crashing over stone and turning it into pebbles, or washing over bottles and turning them into sea glass. Time is the thing that really does dull the edges. It makes things lighter.

It makes us see things differently. So if there is still a real heaviness with something from the past, sometimes you've done all that you can do and you just have to let time kind of take its course. This next one is from Jay. Is it possible to find peace with mistakes if they've had lasting consequences? Simple answer, yes. Yes, I believe so. Obviously, if the consequences are devastating, it's going to be hard,

but you have to find a way to give yourself closure. I think about people who have made huge, terrible, sometimes life costing mistakes, who are forgiven and who forgive themselves. The moment has happened, the mistake, it's been made. Now you really have to decide whether you and regret want to be friends for life or whether it's time to stop emotionally punishing yourself. The way I always think about it would be you would forgive a close friend, a sibling, a

loved one if you found out what they had done. So if you could find it in your heart to forgive them for the actions you've committed, you have the right to forgive yourself as well. Now it's time for this week's challenge. This is a bit of a tough one, but this week I invite you to practice saying no to at least one request or invitation without over-expl explaining yourself or seeking approval. So it might be an invitation to dinner that you just really don't want to go to.

It might be someone asking you to do something at work, just a simple, no, I'm sorry, I don't have time to do that or sorry, not today, maybe another time is what we are asking for here. So honor your boundaries and reflect on how it feels to prioritize your needs. How does it feel to have the afternoon to yourself? How does it feel to just be able to focus on your own work? And as a reminder, reach out to at mantra open mind to share how this week's challenge is working for you. All right, as we wrap up this week's episode, I want to share a few final thoughts wrap up this week's episode, I want to share a few final thoughts that I have about this mantra. My key takeaway, and what I really hope I've impressed on you all, is that external validation and internal validation, they do work together. But whereas external validation

is optional, internal validation is an absolute necessity. So you really have to strike the right balance, the balance between knowing who you are, what you like, what you care about, your assets, your values, your beautiful parts of your character and your soul versus what other people are impressed by. What other people are impressed by matters a lot less. And I know it's something that we feel very called to prioritize, but just consider how maybe your life would look different if you put it a little bit lower down on the ladder of what's important to you. Your worth isn't something as well that can be measured by likes, by applause, or anyone else's opinion.

It is something you can carry with you. It is steady, it is unwavering, it is completely yours, it is definitely not fickle. Releasing the need for external validation isn't about shutting out the world. It is about reclaiming your power and trusting yourself to be your own guide, trusting the compass.

So tune into your inner voice, honor what feels right for you, and let that be enough. Thank you for joining Mantra, an exclusive Open Mind original powered by PAVE Studios. At Open Mind, we value your support. Share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review and follow Mantra to help others discover the show. For ad-free listening and early access to Mantra to help others discover the show. For ad-free listening and early access to Mantra with me, Gemma Spegg, we invite you

to subscribe to Open Mind Plus on Apple Podcasts. I'll share another insightful and introspective mantra with you next Monday. Until then, keep showing up for yourself and your journey. I'm Gemma Spegg. See you next week. Mantra is hosted by me, Gemma Spegg, and is an Open Mind original powered by Pave Studios. This episode was brought to life by the Mantra team,

Max Cutler, Kristen Acevedo, Ron Shapiro, Stacy Warren Kerr, Sarah Carroll, and Paul Leberskin. Thank you for listening.